First, an advertisement that I saw on my first day there:

Yep, that’s an advertisement that’s equating a woman’s ass (see the man’s grip?) to frontage real estate on 5th Avenue.  So what’s wrong with that?  Do you think it’s effective?  Why or why not?  By the time a young person is in middle school they are well equipped to have conversations like this in the home environment, and they should be having them.  There are precious few places outside of the family where critical and thoughtful analysis of advertisements will take place, so it’s the parents’ job to make sure they happen there.  Without it, children are far more likely to believe the silly associations so prevalent in advertisements, but they are are also less likely to be thoughtful about issues like gender dynamics.

Which brings us to the next advertisement that I couldn’t walk by without taking a picture of:

This one was in the subway.  As a side note, I know nothing at all about this television show except what is shown on this billboard.  Maybe I’m wrong in my analysis of the show itself, but regardless, the advertisement is a blatant and outrageous presentation of a woman as an object which will benefit a man’s penis, improve its general approach in the world (”Jock therapy.”).  It also has an undercurrent of violence (”Necessary Roughness”).  Now, I have no beef with the thorough enjoyment of sex or rough sex among consenting adults.  However, this advertisement is not speaking seriously about either of these topics - it is pure titillation, presenting women as objects, and using crass sexual desire without (I assume) taking up any of the responsibility for education and serious discussion that must accompany these topics.  It is disrespectful to women, men, good sex, rough sex, and everything associated with it.  But because it drives deep into the sexual psyche, I expect it works.  Parents need to give their children and teenagers the tools to understand the things that try to short circuit their brains to drive deep into them, and conversation is that tool.

And lest you think that I am encouraging you to only look at advertisements, here is a place I visited intentionally (and had the pleasure to dance in!): The Stonewall Inn.

The Stonewall was the site of the Stonewall Riots in June, 1969 that led to the Pride movement.  While the riots are an extremely painful part of the movement to bring full rights to LGBTQ individuals, it led to great things.  There are generally historical and interesting sites to see that can open dialogue about sex and sexuality in many cities, so why not include them in your summer vacation itinerary?  The legal and social history of gender, sexual orientation, contraceptive rights, etc. is a fascinating one that can open hours of dialogue.

Maybe you’re very excited about starting (or continuing!) these conversations with your children.  But maybe this kind of conversation seems arduous to you - not something you’re going to enjoy bringing up or talking about.  But it will give you insight into your child’s mind, into how they perceive the world in ways that may be different from your own.  Having this kind of serious, real-world conversation with your children and teenagers will ease you into having them with your child when she or he is an older teenager, a young adult, an adult.  In other words:

Engaging in conversations about sex and sexuality with your child/teen: Potentially harrowing.

A lifelong parent/child relationship: Priceless.

My problem is that the media is completely ignoring the important issue that brought this crazy lady out to Monday’s city council meeting in the first place.  The Lincoln, Nebraska city council was considering an amendment that would protect gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals from discrimination in employment, housing, and public accommodations.  This is a serious issue, and is deeply related to the bullying that exists and is tormenting so many LGBTQ youth.  By allowing discrimination, we subtly condone bullying.  It needs to stop.

Rather than (or after…) laughing at the Crazy Nebraska Lady, read an actual account of what they’re doing in Lincoln, then e-mail or call the council members and let them know that you’re behind them - that the country actually acknowledges and appreciates what they’re doing, we are not just laughing at one rogue citizen.

And because I know you’re all dying of curiosity, and because I think it might reduce the time between you reading this post and actually contacting the council members in Lincoln, here’s that video:

But be sure and actually make a difference in this case, don’t just sit by and laugh.  These are real people trying to make a difference, in the right direction, and we need to give them props for that.

This class was everything I wanted and hoped it would be and then some. I have learned so much, but also learned a new way to look at my new found knowledge. People are unique and beautiful. I knew that life for the LGBT community was difficult, but I never really considered it until you (and the text) forced me to. I thought of sex workers as “whores” and never thought twice bout why they were in the position they were in. I knew people had fetishes but didn’t fully understand what this meant. I didn’t know that people could literally have a fetish with children, and just how difficult it made their lives. I didn’t know you could be religious and still go against the word, and that going against the word didn’t condemn you to hell. The world is not so black and white. I hadn’t considered all of my birthing options and just assumed I would give birth in a hospital. I had never considered masturbation. I knew some about STIs and HIV but not everything – including the symptoms, signs, and dormant period. I didn’t know that sex could be a holistic, out of body experience, and to some a form of religious practice. I didn’t know many of these things, but mostly I didn’t know how out of touch with myself I was. You showed me a new light, a new way of seeing things and I will forever be a better person. I will approach situations with more understanding, more acceptance, and more openness. I will be considerate in the things that I think and say, because you never know someone’s story. Thank you for teaching me lessons for the bedroom and for the real world.

I am so grateful to have the opportunity to do this work, to provide this kind of education to young people.  And so I thank my students for coming to my classes, talking with me, sharing with me, trusting me.  I also thank the parents of my students for giving me the opportunity to meet their children.  It is quite a gift and an honor.

Last summer one of my online military students sent me a rather frantic e-mail saying he was about to go into the field and was unable to pack his book.  He was concerned because he had an assignment coming up, but said there just wasn’t room in his backpack for the book after he packed the required amount of ammunition.  I reassured him that we would figure things out when he got back from downrange and not to miss his helicopter on account of his textbook.  I got one last, short e-mail from him as he was racing off: “I got it to fit in!”  If only every one of my students was as passionate about learning!

About a week later, my student returned.  He said that while in the field, he had been fired on.  One of the bullets had found its way to him - and then gotten lodged in his sex ed textbook!  Without his textbook in his backpack, he would very likely have been killed.  He offered to save the textbook for me and give it to me when he returned to Texas.  He is back now (only for a short time though - he leaves again in a few weeks), and we met yesterday for coffee.  I am now the proud owner of solid proof that sex education can save your life.

I have had an experience of sitting in eight hours of talks from Dr. Sharon Maxwell this week.  I have heard from her that parents should look inward to find their own family’s perspective on the morality of sexual ethics to guide their children.  I also hear her saying that we need to swaddle our children away from the popular culture.  There are a few issues, big issues, that I have with her perspective.

First, the places where Dr. Maxwell just misunderstands where subtlety needs to happen:

• Rather than looking inward for their own morals, presenting them to their children, and stopping there, I encourage parents to then work to find out, to discover what their child’s perspectives on morality and sexual ethics are.  We are not the moral or ethical end-all-and-be-all in our households as much as we might want to be.  Furthermore, by the time our children are teenagers, they generally know what we think about things but we generally know very little about what they think about things.  It’s a good time to balance those scales a little bit.
• Regarding the cultural swaddling: Don’t get me wrong, I agree with everyone out there who says that our popular American culture is a huge, sexualizing problem.  However, there must be a process of opening up, of slowly exposing a child to what exists so that the child has the capacity to deal with it by the time they are moving out on their own.  This change from protective swaddling to openness cannot safely happen overnight, and it is this process that a parent educator, either for general parenting or parenting specifically regarding sexuality, needs to address and offer support regarding.

And now the place where Dr. Maxwell apparently throws up her hands and says that it’s all so subtle that there is no way that she could provide guidance on it:

• Dr. Maxwell appears to defer all of the trickier subject matters, notably including masturbation, sexual activity before marriage, and sexual orientation, to the family.  She is unwilling to tell families what or how to address these issues because they vary so much from family to family.  She seems to see too much cultural subtlety here.  There is biological, psychological fact around these issues.  However, throwing up your hands and saying that everyone can decide for themselves probably sounds very good to parents, it is likely that parents will want to hear this.  Regrettably, it is simply not true.  There are aspects of all three of these topics, and others, that are simply life-saving for children and teenagers to have specific conversations about.  To give up professional authority to someone’s emotional/religious/sociological reaction to a topic rather than to work towards the life-saving approach is professionally irresponsible.

This is an issue I see in many places, and it is very different from how I proceed.  I want to encourage, to challenge parents to engage in relationship and conversation with their children and teenagers.  I want to hear parents stop accepting compliments about their offspring as though they are the reason the children are that way.  I want for parents, after they listen to me talk or read my writing, to return to their relationships with their children and teenagers with a greater openness and the energy to deeply engage in that relationship.  This is not to say that the parent should abdicate their role, be the young person’s friend, etc.  It means that they come to interactions with their child filled with a curiosity about the child and their experiences.

This is not to say that there was nothing positive to hear in Dr. Maxwell’s talks.  For example, she is a strong advocate of the parent talking about the biology of sex and related topics, including sexual desire.  That’s great!  I am so in-line with her on this!

There’s just so much that I disagree with her on, and the issues are subtle, not inherently obvious if this isn’t something you talk about all day long, and mostly reside in the realm of the things she neglects to discuss rather than the the things she does.

This conversation took place because this teacher had come to one of my introductory meetings for parents before they enroll their kids in my middle school class.  I was interested in her feedback, and she kindly agreed to talk with me.  At one point our conversation drifted to another sexuality educator and her work.  The teacher pointed out that this other educator is very adept at talking with people from a wide range of political, religious, and other backgrounds.  She was clearly suggesting that I ease my message somewhat, be more accommodating to less-open perspectives on sexuality.  As an example, she said the other sexuality educator would speak with groups who were not willing to talk about gay and lesbian issues, who did not consider homosexuality a moral or acceptable choice for their young people.  From the teacher’s mannerism, it seemed she thought this was a good idea on behalf of the educator, that she was willing to make accommodations in order to move people forward at their own pace.

When someone is giving me feedback, I typically just listen.  But at this point, I interrupted.  “That is not something I would ever be willing to do.”  She seemed taken aback - why would I not be willing to speak with a group who was unwilling to consider open conversation about sexual orientation?  “Too many kids are killing themselves over this.  Too many…”  She seemed further taken aback by the passion in my voice.  She nodded like she understood, cut me off, and changed the subject.  Now, looking back, I wonder if she did understand.

Sexual orientation is something that is inherent to who a person is, and the kind of hate that is pounded into some young people is astronomically difficult to live through.  Last week’s Glee showed a high school student attempting suicide after what appears to be one day of harassment and hate because of his newly discovered sexual orientation.  Far too many young people live through years of such treatment, and some of them attempt to kill themselves - or do kill themselves - because of the experience.  The ones who don’t go to such extremes still experience deep, and sometimes lasting, periods of emotional pain.

I’m glad to see Glee taking on, again, this issue of teen suicide because of sexual harassment based on sexual orientation.  I am disappointed, deeply disappointed, to hear of a colleague who is willing to sweep this issue under the table.  I want to take the world by the lapels and force it to collectively watch the It Gets Better Project video by the Fort Worth City Council Member Joel Burns (watch below).   I want it to watch the It Gets Better Project video by 14 year-old Jamey Rodemeyer from last spring (this video is not available for embedding, so you’ll need to click through to YouTube to watch it.).  Then I want to tell the world about Jamey’s suicide last autumn and tell it how, at a dance after his death, a song was dedicated in his name, and his classmates and peers chanted, “We’re glad you’re dead.”  And I want to look the collective world in the eye and ask if it still thinks it is acceptable for any group to say that sexual orientation is off the table as a topic of conversation.

In my classroom, that would be an unacceptable answer.

Joel Burns:

For more information on the It Gets Better Project, visit their website.

First, the questions from the more reticent class (dealing with erections and periods, and rape and how it relates to age):

• I first defined and described an erection, because it was clear that not all of the students in the room were aware of what it was from the word.  I then described how erections generally come as part of the sexual arousal process, but that they can come at other times as well.  My assistant (who is male) jumped in to talk about living with erections as a part of life, that having your penis brush oddly against your pants or something else completely innocuous can trigger an erection.  In terms of dealing with unwanted erections, we talked about shifting your thoughts and attention away from sexual stimuli that might have triggered it, untucking your shirt, and other practical and concrete responses.
• Regarding period paraphernalia, we talked about bleached versus unbleached, scented versus unscented, the length of time before a pad or a tampon needs to be changed, and how to continue in activities that you want to participate in even when on your period (including swimming and gymnastics).  The conversation went into detail on why bleach and chemical scents are problematic when brought into contact with the vaginal lining when they are not when put used on clothing.  We put each of the above items into a bowl of water to see how they expanded and absorbed water.  The conversation also drifted to what exactly menstrual fluid consists of since it is not, strictly speaking, blood.
• One of the students told a story during class about an adult woman who was convicted of rape of a thirteen year old boy and wanted to know our general thoughts on the matter.  In response, we first defined rape as it is most general defined: sexual activity that is forced on someone without their consent.  We then went into discussion of the legal definition of consent and who can give it (in the state of Texas, you must 14 to give consent to sex with anyone).  The imbalance of power and judgment between an adult and a young teenager are substantial, and we briefly touched on this as well.  We will spend an entire class discussing rape and sexual harassment much later in the course, so we put off more conversation until that point.  We invited students to write questions about rape on their anonymous questions at the end of class if they had any they would like answered sooner.

And now, the questions from the more inquisitive class (the essential nature of sexuality, BDSM, and religious freedom as it relates to gender):

• Human sexuality and the human drive to be sexual is a complex matter that is not only about reproduction, but also about building intimacy and connection.  The most current thinking on this matter (as best described in the wonderful book Sex at Dawn) suggests that humans have sex in order to connect, and that reproduction is a secondary effect.  There are clearly some animals who have sex only in order to reproduce - for example the animals who only have sex when they are in heat, or ovulating.  However, there are other animals who have sex to build community, including our closely related primates, the bonobos.  The students were, I think, not prepared for the nuance and depth of information present in this conversation when they first asked the question.  Nevertheless, they were interested and engaged during the conversation, asking follow-up questions until I decided it was time to move on.
• Adults who are acting in consensual, trusting, sexual relationships have a wide variety of sexual acts which they may or may not chose to engage in.  After a student asked about bondage and sadism, I defined BDSM for the students in just a few sentences, as simply as possible.  I then focused the conversation on the need for safety (a safe word, specific conversation beforehand regarding exact consent on exact activities) and trust (extensive knowledge of the partner both sexually and in other contexts before moving into a restrictive or pain related sexual scenario).  I mentioned that engaging in BDSM is something that requires an extraordinary sense of self and self-knowledge to engage in safely and healthily.  I pointed out that it could be easy for a BDSM relationship to be unhealthy.
• The issue of freedom within religion is a complex one, and the ways in which individual women chose to participate or are forced to participate in their religious traditions reflect that complexity.  The example raised by one of the students in class was the burka.  Because we would be talking about religion, morals, and beliefs in the following class, and because the specific issue of the burka is one that can easily be delved into with some depth, I did not allow this conversation to extend very long.  Instead, the conversation was brought up, students contributed a number of perspectives, I contributed a few more, and then I wrapped the discussion for the time being.  I look forward to next class to see where it will lead us!

These are just a few examples of where young adolescents’ minds go when they are invited to consider and discuss sexuality in an open environment.  Every week, every class brings unique questions and thoughts to me and their classmates.  It is quite an adventure to respond and moderate their conversations!

Here are some of the topics and questions raised by the more hesitant class this week:

• Why it is that penises get hard and how to deal with it in embarrassing moments.
• The benefits and drawbacks of plastic pads, cloth pads, tampons, and moon cups.  (This was accompanied by examples of all of the above, plus a bowl of water for experimenting.)
• What is rape, and how does it apply to adults versus children?

Here are some of the topics and questions raised by the less hesitant class this week:

• Whether sexuality is something that is more focused on procreation or intimacy building within human beings, particularly as compared to other mammals, and how this impacts our decision making.
• Whether consensual BDSM should be considered something that is necessarily part of an unhealthy sexual relationship or if under certain circumstances if it can be healthy.  (And what those circumstances might be.)
• How religion restricts female sexuality and female decision making and whether these kinds of restrictions can be freely chosen by women or if because of the restrictions put on women through these religions they are necessarily unable to be chosen freely.

And while your middle schooler might not actually be thinking about these issues, it is clear that his or her friends might very well be, and so the topics might be being raised around your middle schooler.  This means they need to have conversations with adults about these topics so that they are better able to navigate their conversations with peers!

Great, important questions for young people to know, all of them!  I can hear some of you (Ruth) asking for me to explain in detail all of my answers to these questions and concerns.  But this is a tall order!  This second group of questions are particularly heady - and I don’t want to disservice them with shorty or pithy answers.  Volumes of writing and art are dedicated to these very topics every year.

Nevertheless, on Monday I will give a relatively short answer for each of these so you can have at least a taste of how I approach these issues in class!

Created by: Public Health Degree

The new year starts with new resolutions!  This year I have decided to have three resolutions, and if I accomplish one I will consider my resolutions accomplished.  So here are the three things I would like to do:

1. Take an aerial dance class.
2. Finish my book (it’s 75% done…).
3. Be on radio/television and/or in a print publication three times.

Two of these are professional, one is personal.  Here is how these goals are going so far:

1. I have already, technically, taken two aerial dance classes - now it is time to sign up for a series, which is what I intended with my resolution.
2. I aim to accomplish my book-writing by writing/editing my book for one hour a day, five days a week.  Today was my first day back to work, and I wrote for a highly productive hour.  I foresee this being an easy goal this week, while my kids are in school, but my classes haven’t started yet.  We will see how it continues once classes start next week!
3. I’m talking with people who know how to make this happen - I certainly don’t!  But I think I’d be awesome on the radio, and I could probably pull myself together for television too.

As for my book - this is what I really wanted to write about this evening.  It is a book about how to talk with teenagers about sex/sexuality/romance and it is based on my ten steps to talking to teens about sex:

1 – Know yourself. What are your expectations, your hopes, and your fears about your teenager’s sexual and romantic development? You’ll have far more control over yourself and your interactions if you have a full understanding of these things.

2 – It’s not about you. Your child is, in fact, discovering sex for the first time. They don’t want to hear about you and your sex life or your path to discovering sex. They want to talk about their current exciting, overwhelming path. So let them! That’s how you’ll get the most information – and remember, that’s now the primary business of your parenting.

3 – Stop talking! As the parent of a teenager, you are in the business of trying to get information from your teenager, not give it. If you’re talking, you can’t hear anything your teenager is trying to tell you.

4 – Start listening! Stop talking. Start listening. Remember what primary business you’re in? And that can’t happen if you don’t really, really listen.

5 – You only get one question. You’d better make it a good one that can’t be answered with a yes or a no. Spend some time mulling over it. You can ask it when you’re sure it’s a good one.

6 – Do something else. Anything else. Many teenagers, especially boys, will have an easier time talking about sexuality and romance if you’re doing something “side by side” like driving, walking, or playing a game rather than sitting and looking at each other.

7 – About pleasure and pain. You have to talk about both. If you don’t acknowledge the pleasure associated with sexuality, you’re teenager will think you’re completely out of touch. And so you will be completely out of touch.

8 – Be cool like a cucumber. It is only when you manage to have a calm, loving demeanor that your teenager will feel comfortable talking with you. And remember – you’re in the business of collecting information. The only way to do that is if your teenager keeps talking.

9 – Bring it on! Your teenagers have tough questions. Some of them quite specific and technical. If you’re able to answer these questions with honesty, humor, and no judgment, your teenager will feel much more at home coming to you with increasingly difficult emotional decisions.

10 – Never surrender. There may be times you feel like quitting. Like the millionth time when you’ve tried to have an actual conversation with your teenager – about anything, much less sex! – and your teenager has once again completely avoided eye contact and has not even acknowledged your existence. But you can’t. You’re still doing some good, so keep going. Trust me.

I want to expand on these ten steps, guiding parents through opening up their conversations in a step-by-step approach that focuses on the long-term goal of physically and emotionally healthy adult sexuality.  It’s going to be a best seller and I’ll be on Oprah, I just know it!!  (Or…I would be…if Oprah were still on…)