We need to remember that students will have a wide range of reactions to any curricula or activities we bring to the classroom. There will always be some who are not drawn into an activity and others who love it. As teachers, we must be attentive to this dynamic. Attentiveness is particularly important because the position of the learner is not a position of power.

I felt like a bomb went off in my head as I said the last line. The conversation continued around me as though I hadn’t said anything momentous, but I stopped attending to the flow.

It is common to reference teacher-student relationships as ones where a power dynamic is in play, which is probably why no one reacted strongly to my statement. But what does it mean to be learning when you are in a place of weakness? What does it mean to lack authority in a situation where you are trying to integrate new information and skills on a topic as deeply personal as sex and sexuality?

We talk about the need for equal power dynamics in relationships because it lends itself to all parties being able to state what they need. Why do we assume it okay for the power balance to be so dramatically different in the classroom environment? The power dynamics in a classroom are often conceived in terms of the relationship between the teacher and the student. But the relationship between the content and the student is also very important. Students need to feel ownership of the content, they need to have autonomy over themselves and they need to gain autonomy over the content. This may be particularly true in classrooms that address topics of sexuality.

What about your classrooms? Do you think your students feel that sense of power that autonomy can yield? Are they able to gain authority over the material in such a way that it feels like it belongs to them?

If you are receiving this via e-mail or a reader, please register to receive my blog posts via Unhushed. I will be moving much of the content from here to there over the next few months and re-organizing this space to be focused on speaking and writing.

Come read my latest Unhushed blog post on gender!

“Parents have a unique position in their teenagers’ lives. They have daily access to the dating relationships and associated emotions that young people live through. This provides parents with a front row seat to be aware of issues in relationships and potential warning signs of violence. Nevertheless, without a strong conversational relationship - one that includes topics of sex, sexuality, and violence - parents are likely to miss important signs that would allow them to support their teenager.

It is never too late to start conversations about sexual (and relationship-based) violence. Opening up a new area of conversation between two people is often awkward, regardless of what the relationship is. However, these initially awkward topics can evolve into the most important and relationship strengthening lines of communication.”

I include an elaboration on my ten tips for parents to talk with their kids about sex that addresses how the tips apply in the situation of sexual violence.

You can download the magazine, including my article, in PDF form.

Our societal assumption of either being a man (and associated masculinity and attraction to women) or being a woman (and associated femininity and attraction to men) has made talking about these issues difficult. We have moved to a place where men can be attracted to men and women can be attracted to women - but this barely scratches the surface of these issues.

First: Let’s talk about gender. This is about masculinity and femininity as it is defined in our culture. Just for a second please forget that you are probably an evolved individuals who don’t make distinctions based on whether someone is a girl or a boy and quickly answer some questions: Is a nurse a man or a woman? A teacher? A football player? A car mechanic? Is a man or a woman more likely to cry? To yell? To prefer the color blue? To have long hair? These questions are about gender. Gender is about how you identify based on a set of cultural standards. It’s about, aside from anything else in the world, if you’d say you’re more feminine or masculine

Second: Now things get hairy. Before we can dive into sexual orientation (which is what this post proclaimed itself to be about), we need to talk about sex. If gender is about what our culture says we should do as a man or a woman, sex is about what our biology tells us: man or woman. For most people (and animals of all kinds) it’s pretty clear if you take a quick look between their legs if they’re a man or a woman. (But it’s not always, and that’s when we get into areas of Intersex.) However, not having access to most people’s genitalia, we rely on a number of other actors when assessing their sex, including body shape and size, clothing, hair styles, voice, etc. You may notice that many of the ways we think about sex (man or woman) is actually about gender (femininity or masculinity).

Confusing sex and gender can cause problems and confusion. For a majority of Americans, gender = sex, sex = gender. Completely aside from the fact that most people don’t fit fully, squarely into the round peg of entirely feminine or entirely masculine, and some people don’t fit entirely into the peg of biological man or woman, there are still other people don’t quite feel that their biological sex fits into their societal assigned gender. And there are people who do not identify within this binary paradigm at all. (And can you blame them?)

If you’re confused or unsure how all of this fits together, that’s okay. This is complicated stuff, particularly if you haven’t dived into these particular depths before.

Third: Now let’s talk about sexual orientation. This is generally about whether someone is attracted to men or women or both or everyone or no one or something in between all of those. Except I just pointed out that the binary assumption of men and women and maleness and femaleness is itself a complex conversation that doesn’t always have clear answers. It is often assumed that if a man has many female aspects to him, he must be gay. But gender does not equal sexual orientation does not equal sex. Each of these components can and should be understood as entirely freestanding.

My colleague Sam Killerman created an infographic that I think portrays these dynamics, along with a few more, quite effectively (I helped a little):

And finally: a dictionary. If you’re unsure of the meaning behind any of the words I used in this post, and then did not fully define, you can probably find them in Sam Killerman’s Comprehensive List of LGBTQ+ Term Definitions.

Questions? Leave them in the comment section below and I’ll help you sort everything out.

An alarming number of today’s college students suffer from mental illnesses that, if left untreated, can lead to tragic consequences. And while many institutions have adopted programs to counsel young men and women with psychological issues, academic experts fear these accommodations are leaving them unprepared for the real world that they must face on their own after graduation.

According to Daily Sundial, men and women between the ages of 18 and 30 are most susceptible to severe mental illnesses such as anxiety and/or schizophrenia. Individuals are also likeliest to suffer from a mood disorder (usually depression) between the ages of 18 and 25. Furthermore, Psych Central contributor Margarita Tartakovsky noted that 75 percent of all individuals with an anxiety disorder experience an onset of the symptoms by the time they reach the age of 22. Since 1997, the number of college students suffering from depression has doubled – and the rate of suicide incidence among collegiate men and women has tripled. A 2006 survey by the American College Health Association found that 45 percent of female college students and 36 percent of male college students were too depressed to carry on with their daily routines – and as a result, many have failed classes and been forced to drop out of school.

For many students, the transition period between high school and college is the primary catalyst for mental illness. Freshman must contend with a number of changes regarding living arrangements, social functions and exposure to a wide variety of different (and often, contrasting) lifestyles. Dr. Gerald Kay of the Wright State University School of Medicine noted that feelings of inadequacy within this new environment, coupled with parental pressure and “academic stressors” brought on by demanding coursework, can cause students to feel depressed and/or anxious. Substance abuse often exacerbates these mental issues. According to most reports, one-fifth of college students use illegal or prescription drugs, while nearly half binge drink. Dr. Kay also said that many of today’s students have pre-existing mental conditions when they enter college. In recent years, advances in psychological treatment and diagnostics have brought many of these cases to light.

If left ignored, mental issues among undergraduates continue to worsen as these students enter graduate school. According to Psych Central, a 2008 study by the Berkeley Graduate Student Mental Health Survey found that 45 percent of grad students suffered from emotional or anxiety-based conditions that significantly hindered their ability to function on a regular basis, both academically and socially. Roughly 10 percent of these students seriously considered killing themselves. Furthermore, a quarter of them were not aware of campus-based counseling programs at their disposal (this was especially true among international students).

Today, virtually every college campus in the United States offers some form of student counseling for individuals who suffer from depression, anxiety or other mental disorders. Other accommodations include extra time for taking exams and relaxed attendance expectations for students with diagnosed conditions. However, the majority of students do not seek help because of a perceived social stigma; only 23 percent of students polled in a 2006 survey said they would “feel comfortable” with a close friend knowing they received counseling treatment. Another concern with campus services, University of Wyoming Dean of Students David Cozzens told The Wall Street Journal, is that students receive a substantial amount of psychological attention while they are enrolled – but once they have graduated and entered the job market, that support system is no longer present.

Today, many psychologists urge young people to proactively address their respective mental issues before they develop into full-blown conditions. Hilary Silver, M.S., of Campus Calm told Psych Central that high school graduates should seek treatment prior to their initiation into campus life. In order to establish a strong identity, students should disassociate themselves from their high school personas and determine the goals they wish to reach during college – not just in terms of career, but also personal development and intellectual growth. Dr. Harrison Davis of North Georgia Community College & State University also encourages students to both improve their coping skills and set personal limits in order to avoid falling into depressive or anxious patterns. They should also commit to getting eight hours of sleep per night, and avoid consuming excess amounts of caffeine, alcohol or other stimulants and depressants that will negatively affect their academic performance.

While today’s collegiate population faces a significant amount of academic and social pressure, these stressors can lead to long-term psychological problems if students do not make an effort to mitigate them. Proactive strategies will not only enable students to flourish at the college level, but may also also prepare them for the harsh realities of the “real world.”

Wesley is an award-winning writer. She has written articles on health and childcare for such publications as Good Housekeeping, Adoptive Families, and American Baby She is on a panel of experts for the on-line publication, KIDZEDGE.com. Wesley has been on Internet radio, cable TV, and lectured to business groups.

She is currently collaborating with Dr. Tobkes, a New York City psychiatrist, on an advice book for straight parents of gay and lesbian children. She writes the blog Straight Parent, Gay Kid in which she offers support to parents on raising gay and lesbian children and also writes about LGBTQ issues on gay agenda.com.

Sexual Orientation Doesn’t Necessarily Show Up Right Away

Not every parent is as cognizant as John Schwartz, a national reporter for The New York Times and author of his memoir about raising a gay child Oddly Normal (Gotham Books). In Schwartz’s family, by the time his youngest son Joe came out at age 13, Schwartz and his wife had “progressed from inkling to conviction.” Their toddler Joe wore a feather boa around the house and pleaded for pink light-up sneakers with rhinestones.

Schwartz’s hunch, as it turned out, was right. While some kids may self-identify as gay or lesbian as young as three, others may not know they are gay until their adult years. Time tells.

How Can You Tell If Your Child Is LGBTQ?

It’s hard for parents to know. You can’t necessarily tell by looking at your children if they are gay. Heck, the kids may not even know themselves.

Many teens may wonder if they are gay or bisexual. It’s normal for them to have sexual feelings for both the same and opposite gender partners. They experiment with the same, or opposite gender relationships as they try to discover and develop their identities. Sometimes, their experiences are the signs of their sexual orientation, sometimes they aren’t. Or, it may just be a simple process of questioning.

Gay Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

If parents perceive that all male children must be sports-oriented, “rough-and-tumble” by nature, then they will be aghast at seeing their son playing house or with his sister’s Barbies. Does this necessarily indicate that this child is gay or is this behavior a reflection of society’s perception of how a male should not act or a parent’s read of behavior that’s not boyish or expected ?

Similarly, if a daughter refuses to wear dresses and plays football on a mostly-male football team, is she considered a feminist-in-the-making, a “tomboy” or a future lesbian? It depends on who is judging her according to their standards of how a girl should act.

Don’t Out Your Child

Even if you suspect your child is gay, you don’t want to force your suspicion down his/her throat to try and get a confession. You may be dying to know, but it’s up to your child to educate you when he/she is ready. Your kid may not want to disappoint you with the big news. He/she may be in denial. Or, he/she may simply not know. After all, it’s his/her story.

Offer Acceptance, Not Judgment

Carolyn Wagner, Former National Vice-President of Parents of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) said a good place to start is with a statement that offers acceptance instead of judgment. Accepting dialogue lets Mom and Dad be approachable and open to discussion about sexual identity.

Some Sample Ice-Breakers

Ask open-ended questions with a light touch. It’s non-threatening to talk about others, rather than about yourself. For example:

• What do YOU think of same-sex marriage?
• Should celebrities be outed or feel they have to be come out to their fans? Why should it matter?
• Do shows like Modern Family depict a gay family as normal as the straight ones?
• Why is the teen suicide rate higher for youth who identify as LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, and Queer) than for straight youth?
• Why are businesses like Starbuck’s and Oreo stepping forward to be allies with LGBTQ causes while others like Chick-Fil-A are thriving while espousing anti-gay philosophy?
• Why do some churches accept gays and others tout condemnation based on their interpretation of the Bible? Isn’t religion about universal love and acceptance of all human beings?
• What does your school do for its diverse population?
• Are most of your friends having sex (define sex as it is interpreted differently by persons, often according to their beliefs and upbringing).

Sometimes teens who are considering coming out start by testing their parents’ perception of being LGBTQ by gauging their reactions to gay characters on television or religious leaders and remarks on same-sex relationship.

Your Kids Need to See You As An Ally

By bringing up these open-ended talks that can be discussed many times, you’re making your home a safe haven where any subject can be broached. In this environment your adolescent is more apt to open up about his/her sexuality.

By now, you’ve probably had the talk about “the birds and the bees.” Hopefully, it’s an ongoing discussion that includes STI prevention.

Just as important as discussions about disease is imparting your values about love and sexuality to your child. By teaching them that civil rights are for all people, you are teaching an inclusive attitude and tolerance for all individuals. These attitudes open the gateway for acceptance and security for your child.

Stability and Permanence

Parental support is so important for a gay child. In fact, studies show that positive reactions by parents of gay adolescent result in happier and healthier youth. In fact, The Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University has ongoing studies that show that gay teens whose parents accept their sexual orientation are less likely to do drugs, be depressed, or attempt suicide than gay teens with parents who react badly to their news about being gay. These conversations can save your child’s life.

First order of business: Don’t say the word “sex” or any derivative thereof. The other big message is that “evidence based” makes people think of skewed statistics while “fact based” is great. Also, the term “personal responsibility” is key.

I was very frustrated at the conference when I was given this information. Partly because the researcher giving most of the presentation is not a sexuality or sexual education expert. He does most of his research for politicians and advertising companies, and I have very little patience for the kind of linguistic gymnastics that these movements put forth. After some thought, I’ve come around. Describing sex education in a way that makes it more approachable to the general public can only lead to good things. I just need to make sure to stay true to the comprehensive nature of my classes as I choose my words more carefully.

Taking all of that into consideration, I have re-tooled the description of my class for middle school students:

Dr. Karen Rayne presents age-appropriate, fact-based health education classes. These classes support young adolescents so they can understand the decision-making challenges and heightened level of personal responsibility that comes with puberty, budding romantic interests, and increased media and digital interactions. The classes include a broad range of information and skill building activities in order to allow young people to respond to tough situations with maturity and a strong sense of self.

What do you think? It fully and honestly describes the class even though it uses a completely different set of buzzwords from my previous descriptions.

This day has been set aside to increase awareness of people who are open about their LGBTQ identity. This year in particular, with the election right around the corner, the Human Rights Campaign and others are encouraging people to call their elected officials and “come out” as LGBTQ or an LGBTQ ally. I called and came out to my elected officials last week - you can read my story of coming out on the Equality Texas blog. (Spoiler alert: It was not all rainbows and unicorns.)

In my college class I wanted to do something to honor National Coming Out Day that would make this experience of coming out very personal to my students. I wanted them to have at least a little sense of what it means to come out as LGBTQ. I started by asking them why people come out and they came up with a great list of reasons. The students were clearly in favor of coming out - they thought it had all sorts of benefits for the individual, their community, and society at large. Then I asked the students why, given all of these good things, people still don’t come out. Again, they indicated a deep understanding of the issues, the shame, the fear of rejection, the judgment.

I pointed out to my students that most of us, probably every one of us, either has something to come out about or has had something to come out about in the past. Something that we feel ashamed of, that we fear rejection about, that we hide. The students grasped the connection quickly and were nodding in agreement. I asked them to pull out a piece of paper and write down the thing that they have not come out about and you could hear a pin drop. Eyes were narrowed, a few students started pulling out paper and pen, many did not.

One student voiced the majority concern: “Where are these pieces of paper going?”

I answered: “To me. There were many reasons you listed for why coming out is beneficial. I’m asking you to start that process for yourself here and now. Do not write your name on your paper - this is an entirely anonymous process.”

Almost everyone settled down to write. One young man kept staring at his paper and said, “I’m having a hard time even writing this down anonymously.” Then he took a deep breath and started writing. Coming out is an indication of true bravery.

Some people filled a page, others wrote one terse sentence. I collected the papers, mixed them up, and started reading. Here is what they said (I have shortened the three very long ones):

• I lost my virginity in high school and have not told my mama till this day.
• I was raped and that was how I lost my virginity.
• I don’t identify as a part of the gender dichotomy.
• I was “technically” date raped when I was 17.
• I’ve had bisexual curiosity before and experimented before, when I was 13.
• I get excited about having sex with guys with girlfriends.
• I feel like I am unlovable. I feel like no man will ever want to truly be my person I can rely on.
• I’m a virgin.
• I have HPV and have spread it to 4 different guys.
• I’m a heroin addict. Haven’t used (anything) in two years.
• I’ve had an STI before…
• Though I didn’t do this, I’m ashamed that I was once accused of sexually assaulting a girl who was my ex-girlfriend.
• I was abused by a family member as a child.
• In high school I hung out with a lot of guys. One of them was trying to sexually harass me. I was really scared.
• A lot of people think I’m tougher than I really am. In actuality I’m pretty sensitive.
• When I was in 6th grade, I engaged in mutual sexual activities with someone of the same gender. I’m reluctant to admit this to people out of fear of judgment.
• I told an intricate lie to a significant other in order to keep a relationship going.
• At one time I didn’t want my mother to know that I had been promiscuous.
• I had a miscarriage before.
• When I was eight years old, my sister’s husband molested me in my bedroom. I never told my parents.

I often ask students to write or contribute anonymously to class because it allows everyone to offer their perspective. As we look over what people wrote, usually a few people claim their offering, but no one claimed any of these.

Coming out can be extraordinarily difficult. I wish that there was a greater understanding that we all have something that makes us hide, that society or culture tells us we should be ashamed of. The benefits of coming out are substantial, for ourselves, our society, and our culture.

When I asked if anyone had a reaction they would like to share in response to reading what their peers have not come out about yet, one student said, “I just didn’t know. I didn’t know that all of these people who have had all those experiences were here in class with me. It makes you think and realize that you don’t know people or why they do the things they do and maybe you shouldn’t judge them.”

Then I took a deep breath did something that was very scary for me. I said, “Turn around is fair play. So now I am coming out to you. I am gay.”

We all have something we can come out about, and we will be the better for it. What do you have to come out about?

Accessing that positive and moving sexual force amid the cultural clamor for sexual attention is difficult. It can prove to be downright impossible for some people. We have attention grabbing commercials

songs

movies

video games

The popular culture is designed to manipulate a viewer in a particular target group and it is very, very good at speaking to the market segment of choice. The external can be so loud that finding the quiet space to get to know one’s self sexually and to find the path to beautiful sexual experiences can feel like searching for your own perfectly proportioned island amid the Atlantic ocean of popular culture. Maybe you can’t even see dry land from where you stand, much less the bit of land that can best support you in your own mental, physical, and sexual health.

All of this is true for every human being, regardless of their age. High quality, comprehensive sexuality education offers a generalized map of the ocean. It won’t lead everyone to the spot they should be, but it does give them a far, far higher chance of understanding themselves and the culture they live in.

I do not understand why, when given the option of providing their children with a map, so many parents prefer to hide it, requiring their children to swim alone in a sea so much bigger than themselves.