At the end of Anita Diamont’s book The Red Tent the protagonist, Dinah, remarks:  “Death is no enemy, but the foundation of gratitude, sympathy and art. Of all life’s pleasures, only love owes no debt to death.” Love recognizes no boundaries; it joins us to one another and necessarily transforms and extends us. And love lives on through our loved ones.

The close of my mother’s life passed quickly. She was diagnosed with cancer on December 28^th.  As she lay in her hospital bed, surrounded by Dad, Anne and me, she asked Dr. Bruns, “Am I going to die?” He said, “Yes, Dianne, you are dying.” “How long do I have?” she followed. “2 to 6 months,” he answered. So we geared our thinking and planning for that timeframe.

But time was not to be ours. Sister Anne and I were by Mom’s side the morning of January 3^rd when she struggled to tell us something, kicked and fought, then closed her eyes to this world. Death was not welcome to us, but it was certainly not the enemy to her. She’s no longer emotionally and physically struggling with the disease called Huntington’s. It is an embarrassing disease: people stare and wonder if the person is drunk. And it was frustrating—a feeling so common to stroke victims—when she couldn’t express her thoughts. Dad and the others who loved and cared for her were drained. The day before she died, we asked Hospice to come and initiate end-of-life care. Mom was unhappy having “strangers” help her and insisted Dwight could continue providing all her care. She was stubborn; no doubt it.

She wasn’t a perfect mom and we haven’t always been perfect kids. Dad said to the four of us during her visitation, “But we didn’t want perfect.” One thing we all knew for sure: Mom loved us. It wasn’t always evident in the actions she took or the choices she made, but her hugs and “Jeg elsker deg” spoke her truth.

My Mother’s Day gift to you, a touching interview with Anke van de Waal. To all the mothers and people who mother, thank you.

But I’m talking about reconnecting with them and not doing anything special. I recently interviewed Dr. Victoria Sweet, author of God’s Hotel. Dr. Sweet worked for over 20 years at San Francisco’s old Laguna Honda Hospital, a giant chronic care facility for the city’s destitute and ill. At one point in the interview, she said, “There’s nothing like presence and giving someone space.” Another reminder of the importance of being with someone vs. doing for someone. Dr. Sweet used to sit on the bedsides of her patients and listen. Or at times, just sit. It is that simple. But you must let go of the to-do list or the notion of doing something special.

Showing up is half the battle, but when you do, allowing someone space to express themselves—to cry or to laugh—is priceless.

Of course there are other ways to actively reconnect with your parents (and that is exactly what I talk about in The Unexpected Caregiver). Bring in a picture, a children’s story, a memento, and hook into your parent’s memories: “Tell me about this handkerchief, Mom” or “What is special about this book, Dad?”  Be gentle if there is memory loss. Reconnecting is not about the correct answer, but is more about sharing stories.

And don’t forget to hook into your parents by just sitting beside them, connecting through silence. Silence is, after all, golden.

1. What are their immediate needs? Safety? Hygiene? Healthcare? (Again, some of this can be gathered over the phone. Check out this resource from National Institute on Aging)
2. How do you put a plan together that includes supportive services & people—Do you parents need meals on wheels or help around the house or medical support? (Key resources might be your local senior center, Area Agency on Aging, or Geriatric Care Manager)
3. Once you’ve left, who are your eyes and ears on the ground to help monitor how your parents are doing? (neighbors, friends, church, etc.)

Yes we must attend to the numerous details of caregiving—whether we’re doing so from a distance or not—but I also encourage you to make room in your schedule to “hang out” with your parents. Unplanned time will not only be good for your souls, but will also give you further clues as to how your parents are getting on. Let the memories, the fears, the tears and the laughs enter into these moments and connect with your parents over every day life. These are precious times amidst the nitty-gritty of family caregiving. As always, contact me if you need further coaching around distance caregiver.

One participant named Liz came back after lunch with a crazy, owl ring. She gave it to me and said, “This is because you’re wise and you’re a hoot.” A huge grin came over me. I wore the ring for the afternoon and felt as if I had just received a personal Academy Award. (And I had to stop myself from reciting that iconic line from Sally Field’s 1985 Oscar acceptance speech: “You like me, you really like me.”)

I love teaching. I love interacting with a group, telling stories, facts, and encouraging participants to share. (And laughing early and often.) One of the first presentations I wrote was “Embracing Your Aging Self.” I presented it over 20 years ago at the American Society on Aging, and it was written up in The New York Times. It’s a great seminar—offering facts about aging (like what physical changes take place), dispelling myths (like the fact that memory loss is not a normal part of aging), and guiding participants to fall in love, or at least in like, with themselves as they age. If the alternative is death, then why not take on aging?

We are caregivers. We are aging. We are taking care of aging loved ones. If you don’t feel like a wise hoot about caregiving and aging, let me help. And quite possibly, if you engage with an aging loved one and set aside your preconceived notions, that person will reveal their inner wisdom. Take some well-written advice from Henri J. Nouwen:

“When the elderly no longer can bring us in contact with our own aging, we quickly start playing dangerous power games to uphold the illusion of being ageless and immortal. Then, not only will the wisdom of the elderly remain hidden from us, but the elderly themselves will lose their own deepest understanding of life.”

As women and as caregivers, we tend to give and give and give. Dr. Sara sees thousands of women in her medical practice. The majority of her patients fall into the classic definition of the family caregiver—a 50 year old woman, working full time, caring 20 hours a week for Mom or Mother-in-law. Just at the time in our lives when hormones are shifting like crazy. I get it. I’m there. And I am making small changes.

I posted on my personal Facebook page that “It was reported to me that a 20-something said of me, ‘She’s so upbeat, how can she be so full of energy…at…her…age.’” Aging isn’t a bad thing, but I haven’t thought of myself as a “woman of a certain age.” Guess what? I am entering my 50^th year. Getting my hormones in balance, finding more peace, flexibility, and energy are important to me. I am a high-energy person, but lately, that energy has been harder to come by.

Besides making changes to my diet, I am also increasing my Yoga practice with the guidance of Michele Hoffman of Bluff Country Yoga. Michele specializes in “making Yoga accessible to people of all ages, sizes and abilities with a special emphasis on adapting to the needs of people in mid-life through the senior years.” Like Dr. Sara, Michele teaches us how to be in tune with our individual bodies.

We are not in control of our bodies at all times. Hormones can get out of whack. Stop blaming yourself: Listen to my show with Dr. Sara, find a practice for yourself (such as Yoga), and embrace your aging selves.

On The Unexpected Caregiver Radio Show, I bring in guests who have information to help make your aging and caregiving journey a little smoother. I interview people who have stories you may identify with or resources that are useful.

Deb Newman, of Newman Long Term Care,
was in the studio with her energy, commitment, and smarts around long term care insurance. She knows that LTC insurance is not for everyone; but like me, she wants you to investigate your options so that you are as educated as possible about your long term care needs and how to pay for them.

Deb also informed listeners that as of April 15, two of the larger long term care insurance carriers will be increasing rates for women. This is the first gender-specific pricing for this insurance product, but because of increased life spans, the time has arrived. If you are a woman and have been considering long term care Deb suggests you call her today (and while you’re on the phone, ask her to send you a copy of their Women’s Guide to Long Term Care Planning: 612-454-4400).

I know…it’s another thing to do. But if you’re like me, I’m oftentimes motivated by deadlines. Let this increase in women’s premiums motivate you to make the call and ask the questions. Whether or not a long term care insurance policy is for you, I encourage you to investigate and create your plan. You can always contact me for coaching. I’m here for you.

Have you talked with your parents about their stuff? My hunch is that many of us avoid the topic. “Denial of our own or other’s mortality is often at the heart of why conversations about inheritance can be so sensitive,” said Marlene Stum, Ph.D. I included her work and also suggestions about how to address this topic in my book. The conversation doesn’t have to be uncomfortable, but it may be clumsy at first.

My radio show guest this week is someone who helps others gracefully part from their possessions. Dana Arvidson of Estate Sales Minnesota, is passionate and committed to decreasing the stress for their clients during a move, downsizing, divorce, or death. Whether you’re the adult child or the parent making the move, you don’t have to go through the “what do we do with this” alone. Get help from an estate sale planner, like Dana.

While I sift through my stuff memories can easily consume me. Sometimes I keep the item, but often I’m okay with letting it become new memories for someone else. I have noticed, however, that as I let go of things from my past, I make room to be more fully in the present. There’s just not as much stuff cluttering my space and that feels like a gift.

Planning for a death is not a popular event, but it is a rare and precious gift to your survivors. I recently spoke at an event where the question and answer time centered around how to adequately prepare for death. Giving away your possessions today is just one sweet act you can do. I tell a story in my book about receiving my maternal grandmother’s wedding band while she was alive and how tickled I was to receive it from her. Rather than leaving all your stuff for your kids to wade through (or fight over), give some of your treasures away for birthdays or holidays. I’m not advocating getting rid of all your material possessions, but I bet there is a lot you’re not using that could be used by someone else.

There are numerous details to act on before and after a death. And some, like ordering 2-3 dozen death certificates, is not something that we think of in the midst of grieving. If you have Kat Reed’s book, Begin Here, she will walk you through what to do. You can also download a podcast of our interview and hear her story. For a more detailed guide, check out Scott Taylor Smith’s When Someone Dies. Each chapter starts with a quick reference guide, then dives into details throughout the chapters. His advice is straightforward, clear, and will no doubt save you time and money! I look forward to interviewing Scott in the near future.

If I were to suggest one place to start: get your Health Care Directive in order. Understand how you want to be cared for in the event you cannot speak for yourself. This will help you take the second step: have a conversation with your folks & loved ones. If you’ve filled out your own Health Care Directive, you can share that with your parents and move down a checklist of getting other details in order. If you need guidance in preplanning your funeral, I would recommend a chat with Jeanne McGill. She is marvelous.

This isn’t morbid. This is life! Once you have talked about this, then set it aside and concentrate on living, knowing that you have given a wonderful gift to your survivors.

This is a tragedy. We need to dig deeper, however, to understand how this can happen. Did the independent living community have a medical arrangement with her? What is their policy on administering CPR (cardiopulmonary resuscitation)? Some communities will automatically administer CPR, while others have a policy to call 911 and staff does not perform CPR. That’s the simplified explanation.

My goal is to make sure you’re as educated as possible. First off, make sure you understand some of the basic documents that inform health care decisions when one is unable to articulate for oneself:

• Health Care Directive: (Also called an Advance Directive or Living Will) This is a document  you fill out indicating how you would like to be cared for at the end of your life. You choose a Health Care Agent within this document, who will speak for you and carry out your wishes in the event you can no longer speak for yourself. Everyone should have a directive on file with a health care provider and copies to loved ones. (Health Care information) (Example of Minnesota HC Directive)
• DNR: (Do Not Resuscitate). This order needs to be signed by a physician. If your loved one is in a senior housing setting, make sure the staff has the order on file. They often make some kind of a notation on your loved one’s chart/file and/or room/apartment or refrigerator. (DNR state forms) (MN Form)
• POLST: (Provider or Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment). POLST is for people with chronic illness and accompanies an Advance Directive. This is a standing medical order that communicates the patient’s end-of-life health care wishes to other health care providers during an emergency. (Example of MN POLST form)

Regardless of who you’re caring for, if that person lives in a senior housing community, make sure you review that community’s emergency response policies. What are their policies regarding communicating incidents to families? Do they have the correct contact information? Senior housing policies vary from state to state and depend on the type of community, so make sure you check with your state–each is different.

Learn from this tragedy and ask questions. Understand what care your loved one will or will not receive. Contact me if you have further questions and don’t know where to turn. I’m here to help you become a smarter caregiver.

We are all aging, yet many want to ignore the aging changes and make note of what we can still do despite our age. Age changes us. It’s not always what we want, but it’s part of our journey. Hard to swallow, but our life trajectory includes growing older. Maybe aging changes wouldn’t be so difficult to accept if we talked about them–taught about aging, embraced aging, even.

Jonathan Rausch shared his story of caring for his dad on my radio show, addressing some of the unspoken issues that come up when caring for an older adult. Just think if we openly talked about all the elephant issues surrounding family caregiving–the parts we don’t understand, the parts that cause us to cry in public, the parts that wear us down. If we had a safe place to let out our frustrations, our fears, and even the times when we tried a new, creative idea and felt so very vulnerable. Sharing and getting support is vital during this journey.

As is getting support around our aging process. Aging in and of itself doesn’t cause disease or loneliness, but because we know so little about aging, it’s easy to buy into the myths that the natural process of aging makes us less of a person. And who wants to be a family caregiver to someone who is less than? Caring for an older adult, especially one’s parent, is already laden with emotional baggage. When we add in the overall fact that aging is discounted in society, that many healthcare professionals can’t, don’t or won’t “deal” with aging issues, that most of us would just as soon see these “old people” shuffle quietly into the night, the journey is that much less supported.

I encourage you to look into the eyes of aging. Ask your parents about their experiences of getting older. Get past the initial negative reactions to your questioning and move deeper into how they feel as an older adult. Not only has the number of adults 65+ grown from 3.1 to 40.4 million (AOA statistics), but the population overall is getting older. It’s time we embrace aging, our new role as family caregivers, and that we just may need help in accepting both of those facts. Hire me to present to your associations or groups and let’s get this long-overdue conversation started!