karin's journey to an authentic life!

Earthquake ramblings, part 3- Reaching the village

2015-05-31T23:49:00.001-05:00

The first thing I saw as I reached the road at the bottom of the hill leading up to my village made my heart sink. The earthquake hit just before noon on a Saturday, which in Nepal is the time that Christians in the country are in church. The small church, perched on the cliff nearly 1000 feet above the river below, was destroyed- the back side was missing and through the open door I could see nothing but the gorge below. I knew the likelihood that the 50 people I had met 2 weeks before in that welcoming space were dead was high. I started the 30 minute trek up the mountain trail with a heavy heart, but also with anticipation of seeing people I have come to know and to care about over the last 7 months. The trip seemed to take forever.

The church- perched 1000 feet above the river below. The back wall and much of the floor is gone

I crested the hill and began walking up the road that goes through the center of the village. In all my other trips up, the first house I came to was the house of Dorje Tamang, whose family took me in and hosted me for 5 days during my first "vision trip" there. This time, as I looked to my left toward that house, I saw open space above the trees. It was gone...but as I rushed around the small fence that separates their property from the road, I saw them- the entire family- sitting on the ground huddled together in the area that used to be the cow shed. Dorje's mother looked up and I yelled "aamaa!" (which means "mother!"). Her face broke into a smile and I broke into a run. They looked absolutely incredulous as I appeared out of nowhere. Our group was the first to reach the village since the quake, 5 days before. When I saw them, I was overcome with emotion and could barely speak. Someone asked me, awed, "What are you doing here? Why did you come?" and through my tears I could honestly say, "Because I care about you. I was worried about you. I was scared and had no way of knowing if you were all right. You are my village- my people. I have been praying for you and I couldn't rest until I was sure you were okay." As sorrowful as I had been for the previous 5 days, I was now filled with such relief and joy. Don't get me wrong- the village was completely devastated and there was nothing but rubble as far as the eye could see, but the people were what mattered and this family was alive. It turns out that nearly everyone in the village was alive. Out of 200-250 villagers (my estimate), only 2 had died. In the village, no one (except church members) is inside at 12pm. Everyone is out in the field, or tending the animals, or sorting grain on mats in the sun. On the day of the quake, even the church members had finished early and left the building before noon. Only 7 remained inside when it hit, and were miraculously able to get far enough over in the room to avoid plunging into the river below when the back of the building and the floor gave way.

My "host family" for my first trip to the village- alive and well

As I walked down the road, further into the village, I was met by cries of "Karunaa!!" (my Nepali name) and hugs by adults and children, alike. I was given flowers by some little girls who had first given me flowers the night I stayed in my new house a few weeks ago. Over and over again people asked me what compelled me to come, and over and over again I answered that this was now my home, my village, and they were now my "family". I told them that I had been praying for them and that God had answered my prayers by helping me to reach them. I have no words to describe the bridge that this day built between my heart and theirs. For the longest time, I stood in the field in the middle of the shelter camp they had erected and people came to hug me. It started with a young woman from church whose parents were the ones killed in their home. She clung to me and sobbed into my chest while I kissed the top of her head (God made me tall for a reason) and she poured out her heart to me- though much of it I couldn't hear nor understand. Then others came. They would latch on and hold tight and let me hug them. Then those would peel off and others would come. It was one of the most powerful moments of my life.

I had heard that there was only one house standing in the village (a few others were still upright but badly damaged). Somehow, I knew it was mine. And I was right. At the far edge of the village, perched on the side of the hill overlooking the valley below, I found my house standing intact and undamaged. Supplies such as rice and lentils and "group food" were being stored in it to keep it dry and safe from animals. I found my landlord, who was living above the church and whose belongings were now in the river, and begged her to take my house back. Amazingly, she wouldn't. She said that she believed it was God's plan that I live in the village and in her house. She had been praying for me and for my return, and this was my home. She said that she and her daughter would move into one of the rooms, and that the other room and kitchen would be mine. Then she hugged me fiercely and repeated, "Yo parameshwarko yojanaa chha." ("This is God's plan."). I don't know what God intends to do through me, or to me, in this village- but I firmly believe he called me there and has a plan.

Walking down the road through the village.

I had to return from the village that day since the team (and bus) I had come with was leaving- but the plan is to return once the aftershocks and landslides have subsided a bit, and take personal items for the people in the village. Food, a medical team, and some supplies were sent in the day after we visited, and yesterday I was able to help arrange to have much-needed tarps sent (with the help of my roommate who works with another organization here in Nepal, helping with relief efforts) so they can have shelter against the coming monsoons. It doesn't seem like enough- but they are such strong, resilient, resourceful people that I know they will be okay. WE will be okay.

One last note... For all its faults, I am in love with Facebook right now. Immediately after the earthquake they devised an amazing app called "Safe Nepal". Anyone with Nepal listed as their location was flagged and people could mark them safe if they had made contact with them. I accidentally found another use. I took pictures of people in the village and posted them on Facebook when I returned home. Two of those people have Facebook accounts, and though I know they don't have any access to internet or electricity right now, I decided to tag them so that eventually they could see the pics. What I didn't consider was that since I was the first one to arrive in that village after the earthquake, no one from the outside had any idea if they were safe, or injured, or dead- and I began receiving messages from their friends and family thanking me for letting them see their family, giving them information, and also asking about others in the village, etc... Through FB I have been able to give information on when aid arrived, their status, their health, etc... and bring peace to very worried people. I love that!

Earthquake ramblings, part 2

2015-05-31T23:47:00.003-05:00

One of the things I have learned while living in Nepal is to be patient. Well, okay- I am usually not patient, but I have learned that regardless of whether I am patient or impatient, things will work out in their own time and they will, in the end, work. That is what happened on Day 3 of trying to reach the village (Marming). The morning started out a little chaotic and with several group members vocalizing different plans and ideas for how the day should go. All I wanted was to head toward Marming, but I also had to realize that others had their own ties and their own agendas, which were no less valid than mine. That said, I was determined to do what I could to get there and knew I wouldn't stop until I had exhausted all hope. We were told by our host's family member that the road to Marming was completely covered in landslide and impassable, and that they had traveled to where we now were from that area the day before, and it had taken over 13 hours to cross that distance on foot, through the mountains. My heart sank because a 13 hour trek for a Nepali is usually double for a foreigner. Nepalis have the most amazing genetics that allow them to traverse the mountains like mountain goats. They are not only strong and have unlimited endurance, they also have incredible balance and the ability to walk on trails that none of the rest of us would consider trails. If the only route to Marming was a 13 hour footpath (for a Nepali), I wouldn't make it. That didn't stop me from insisting that we go as far as we could in that direction so that I could see, for myself, whether or not it was worth attempting. I didn't want to be reckless and I didn't want to be stupid, so if it looked impossible, I would accept that- but not until I was satisfied that I had done all I could to get there. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't do my best.

We set out with a plan to head in the direction of Bahrabise, which is the last reported village reachable by road, and then assess the situation once we arrived. We stopped at several smaller villages en route, and set up makeshift treatment clinics. Most of the patients we saw had already been seen and treated for their larger injuries at a nearby health post or hospital, but many needed follow up care like wound cleaning, bandaging, and medication for pain or infection. We had a young Nepali physician with us, and he and I made do with the supplies we had brought with us. We laid down a tarp I had grabbed from my earthquake kit (thank you TEAM for requiring me to keep one ready) and sat the patients on that while we assessed and treated them. Though we treated several people, we were pleased with the lack of need for acute medical care. Again, things seemed to be largely under control. This was really encouraging. Of the patients I saw, one was a young girl who had an infected abrasion on her forearm. I had to scrub her wound to remove the infected tissue, which must have been very painful but she was really brave and stoic. When I was getting ready to leave, she (and about 10 of her young friends/family members) brought me a flower as a thank you. So sweet! That was the best payment, ever.
Treating head wounds in a tent camp in Khadichaur.

Finally, we were headed to Bahrabise. That is the village where I had planned to live while doing research in Marming, until a few weeks ago when I actually found a vacant house in Marming itself. I was shocked at the damage there. In Kathmandu, many of the older village-style homes and buildings made of brick or rock were destroyed in the earthquake, but many of the newer cement buildings (like my apartment) were fine. Bahrabise is a fairly large village and has quite a few cement structures, especially in the bazaar area, so I imagined that many of them would be standing. I was wrong. Being the epicenter of the 2nd aftershock, the intensity of the quake in this area must have been much stronger than it was in Kathmandu because the entire bazaar was destroyed. As we drove through the rubble, in the direction of Marming, I was beginning to lose hope that I would get much further down the road or that I would find many people alive in Marming if I did get there. We parked at the far edge of town, near a police outpost, and looked down the highway toward Marming. Several massive landslides could be seen and from the angle I was looking, it appeared that the highway was buried underneath. Intending to ask the police about the situation, we headed for the police outpost and one of the people on our team saw someone they knew from the area- and he was with a group standing by the "Last Resort" bus- which is an adventure camp located at the foot of the hill below Marming. He said that the road had been cleared until a few kilometers before the camp and that he was leading a group to Marming to assess the damage and the needs. Praise God!! I asked if I could join them, and 2 minutes later I was bouncing down the road toward my village.

That trip was the scariest of my life. Not just the part on foot, which we'll get to, but the ride. Five minutes down the road, we had to stop. 2 large front loaders were digging bodies out from beneath a huge landslide, and people were wrapping them in plastic and laying them by the side of the road near our bus. We had to wait for about an hour, all the while looking up at the steep hills above us and praying that the ground held firm. As we finally made our way past, and down the road, the reality of the enormity of this disaster began to sink in. Boulders the size of trucks littered the road. The usually green, lush hills were brown where the earth had given way and everything slid off the mountainside and either onto the road or into the river below. Trees were toppled and houses were nothing but piles of stone or brick. In most places, people crouched by these piles, not sure where to go or what to do- everything they owned (and perhaps people they loved) were trapped underneath. It was really sobering. For months I have said that if there is ever an earthquake, I hoped I'd be in the village and not in Kathmandu with the tall, crowded buildings. I was wrong.

We made it by bus until about 2Km before the village, where we had to stop and proceed on foot. In that 2 kilometers, there were 8 or 10 huge rock falls/boulder fields. The ground in this area is full of shale and it had sheared off in massive quantities and covered the road (and anyone on the road) when it fell. We had to climb over these which was daunting at best. I was particulary scared, for several reasons. One, I am scared of heights. The higher I climbed on these piles, the scarier they became. Second, there remains a possibility that the "slide" will again slide out from under you so I couldn't relax until I was safely up and over... but safely up and over isn't exactly true, either. New rock falls and landslides were happening all over the district and there was a very real possibility that another could come down while we were underneath. We passed a car that had been on the road during the quake and was literally smashed flat. Completely flat. The person/people inside had thankfully been removed before we passed by. Right before reaching Marming, the smell of death was strong and we were informed by the locals that 40 people had tried to flee via the road after the first earthquake, and were covered in landslide during the second one. Twenty people were killed and most were still trapped underneath. Please know that we were being safe, though. As desperately as I wanted to reach Marming, I wasn't going to walk knowingly into a death trap. Each step was measured, each route was assessed, and each phase was analyzed to determine if we should keep going. I wore a "Bob the Builder"-type hard had to protect against falling rocks. It wasn't without risk but it wasn't crazy. And someone had to reach them. After about 40 minutes on the road (and days of agonizing), we did it. We reached Marming.

(stay tuned for part 3)
Rock fall en route to Marming. That is a car in the center.
Aftermath of a landslide on the road leading from Marming.

Earthquake Ramblings, part 1

2015-05-31T23:45:00.001-05:00

It was a Saturday like any other here in Kathmandu. It was around noon and we were in church, 1/2 way through the sermon, when the lights suddenly went out. That is nothing unusual in Nepal, where scheduled power outages are a daily occurrence- but somehow this was different. There was a sound and a vibration that came with it that felt...wrong. My pastor's eyes opened wide and he paused, and all of a sudden I stood up and yelled, "Earthquake!", and we rushed for the door. It was like trying to run in a boat on the crashing waves. The chairs and the people were crashing from side to side. Some of us made it out but I couldn't stay on my feet and was thrown to the floor against the wall closest to the door. The woman next to me grabbed onto me, crying, and said, "Please pray with me." So I did. I prayed for us, and for Nepal, and for safety, and salvation. I prayed for mercy, and protection, and the chance to see another day dawn. I have always known God has a sense of humor, but that day he outdid himself. I had spent the better part of the morning furious with a member of our church for something she was doing that I disagreed with from a cultural sensitivity perspective, and this is whose arms god thrust me into in what was possibly the last moments of my life. Funny how an earthquake can put things in perspective! After what seemed like eternity (but was closer to 2 minutes), the movement stopped and I rushed outside and up the stairs to join the others in the small grassy area in front of our church. Our buildings and those next to us were still standing but we lost a brick wall along our property and large cracks could be seen in other buildings and walls around us. A few minutes later, the first aftershock hit. I think that may have scared me more than the actual earthquake because I now knew what was coming. The aftershocks were frequent and scary, and eventually we moved to a bigger field behind our building and huddled together as a community to comfort each other and wait to see what was to come.

When the aftershocks calmed and we thought it was safe, we made our way toward a teammate's house. The damage was sporadic- some areas had a lot of collapsed walls, broken glass, etc... and others looked untouched. Nearly every brick wall/fence between church and our apartment had toppled onto the walkways and streets- but once we turned onto our lane, we didn't see any damage either to the houses or the surrounding walls. We went into our apartment with a 2 minute time limit, to grab what we'd need for a night away as well as items out of our earthquake kit, and food to share with our community. For the first time since moving to Nepal, I kept my shoes on while in the house. That isn't done here, but for 3 days none of us removed our shoes. For the first 2, we even slept in them. Our house looked like it had been ransacked by looters, with things strewn all over the house, bookshelves upended, and water covering the floor in the kitchen where the fridge had defrosted- but nothing was broken and there was no damage to the house. We grabbed our stuff, and as another strong aftershock rocked the house, we ran.

En route to my teammate's house, I was called by a fellow healthcare worker and told that my help was needed at one of the Kathmandu hospitals. Since all transportation was halted, I made my way by foot. The further I got from my neighborhood, the more damage I saw. The oldest buildings fared the worst. At the hospital, it looked like chaos, but was actually pretty well under control. Hundreds of injured patients were waiting, and hundreds more arriving, but there was a system in place that was treating those that needed it the most, and I was helping monitor and comfort those whose wait would be indefinite due to limited resources and equipment availability. I managed a couple of IVs, took vital signs, and helped upgrade a couple of fairly critical patients so that they were moved to the front of the waiting list and seen quickly, but my biggest contribution wasn't medical- I think it was in providing some comfort and compassion to people who had just lived through the most traumatic moment of their lives. Anyone could have done what I did that day- so I felt blessed to be the one given that opportunity. My teammate Steve had a hero moment, in my eyes. We were brought a young boy of about 3 or 4 years old who had been rescued from the rubble and brought to the hospital, but without his parents or anyone that knew him. He was mostly unhurt, but understandably terrified. Steve spoke with him and the boy told him the area that he lived and that he could find his house- so Steve scooped him up, put him on his motorcycle, and drove to his neighborhood in search of his house so that he could be reunited with his family.

After a long day, we all gathered at a friend's one story house to fellowship and sleep en masse. I am not sure if there is safety in numbers, but there is comfort in numbers. My roommate Carly and I slept outside on the ground, in sleeping bags. We didn't get much sleep, as every half hour, we could feel the rumble of tremors and with the stronger ones, we would jump up and run toward the opposite side of the yard to an agreed upon "safe place". When the rain started, we went in to sleep on the concrete floor of the kitchen. It was a long night.

The next day, we remained gathered and vigilant. The aftershocks continued to come, but with less frequency and less magnitude than before- until around noon, when the 2nd earthquake hit. This was a 6.7 with the epicenter near my village in Sindhupalchok. It was another long one- over a minute- but felt very different than the first. A group of us ran from the house and huddled on the lawn as the earth flowed, or slid, or undulated (we haven't been able to agree on a word) side to side. It was a surreal, almost nauseating feeling and after that, every little vibration sent us running for the door. One of my friends had to change the settings on her mobile because every time her phone vibrated she jumped, and panicked.

After another night on the floor in the "flop house", some of us decided that we couldn't sit around and do nothing, so we grabbed some medical supplies and work gloves, and headed to an area called Patan Durbar Square, which was badly hit, to see if we could help in any way. We were directed to a tent camp set up outside the square and were able to treat a few patients there, who had injuries caused by the quake. Our contact at that camp then took us to several other tent camps, as well, to see if we were needed. We treated a handful of abrasions, lacerations, and orthopedic injuries, but for the most part people were either healthy, or had already sought treatment at the hospital. Like at the hospital, things were pretty much under control and in a "hurry up and wait" mode. We felt glad to be able to help in a small way, but thrilled that we weren't needed in a big way.

Day/night #4 was spent at my house. I figured it needed to happen sooner or later, and the mess in my house wasn't going to clean itself. After a couple of hours of cleaning, I began to get a little overwhelmed- not just with the cleaning, but with processing what had happened and what was happening all over our country. I took a break and went outside with my guitar to play a little and unwind. As I started to play, they came. Old people, young people, children... they flocked in from around the neighborhood and stood outside my gate, peering over and listening. I don't have very many songs memorized on the guitar so I made things up. I sang about God's love for us and how, though the mountains shake and the earth trembles, we don't have to be afraid. I just sang and sang and sang. After I had exhausted myself and my fingers were sore, I stopped and smiled. One of the men who had been standing silently said to me, "You have brought solace to our hearts." Wow.

News started pouring in about the devastation in certain parts of Nepal. Though there were many pockets of devastation in Kathmandu, there were still more that were largely unaffected in terms of buildings collapsing and injuries/deaths- so in our area it was easy to feel like everything was okay. Almost like it didn't happen. The reports of other areas, though, were telling a different story. One of the areas hardest hit was Sindhupalchok, which is the district where the village that I am planning to do research in (Marming) is located. The epicenter of the second earthquake hit near Marming and reports were coming back that all the houses were destroyed, some of the people had died, they needed food, shelter, and medical assistance, and that no one had reached them since the quake. All phone towers were down and there was no electricity, so no one could call in or out. The reports came from staff at a nearby adventure resort who had trekked their tourists out on foot to a point where they could be rescued by helicopter. As soon as I heard the news that Marming was devastated, a fire was lit in me that I knew wouldn't be extinguished until I reached them. I have felt this before- the first time being after hurricane Katrina, when I felt desperate to go and help. This time was stronger- I have come to know and care about many members of this community during my previous visits and I was desperate to know if they were okay. I was also desperate to let them know that they hadn't been forgotten and someone cared enough about them to try to help them. That was easier said than done. For nearly 24 hours, I followed every lead I could to try to arrange transport to Marming. Reports of massive landslides blocking the road made vehicle travel unlikely, so I tried getting a spot on a helicopter bound for the village. The first day, storms grounded the helicopter. On the second day, it was canceled- reportedly due to bureaucracy. Day two brought plan B, which was to join another volunteer team headed to that district and try to convince them to help me reach Marming. After a frustrating day of Nepali-style processes and planning beginning at 8:45am, we finally hit the road at about 3pm. Sitting in the back of a rusty old pickup truck, in the rain, wearing a poncho and a hard hat to protect against falling rocks, i was finally content.

We were amazed at the devastation as we left the Kathmandu valley. The further we got, the worse the damage. In some towns and villages, the loss was nearly total and you could smell death in the air. Houses were now piles of brick and stone, and makeshift shelters and tent camps were erected in open spaces. We stopped at a few places to assess needs and damage, and to provide minor first aid. We arrived in Kharichaur after dark, and went to the "home" of one of our team member's families. Their house was destroyed, too, so we crammed 7 of us into their already crowded tarp shelter, and they fed us. That is Nepali hospitality. They lost everything, yet they were helping us help others. We slept in rows, in sleeping bags, on the dirt floor of the shelter- but it felt like home.

(stay tuned for part 2)

PhotoStory- the first 6 months.

2014-07-11T12:24:00.000-05:00


July 7th- at the Kathmandu Central Zoo, doing a community language assignment on plants and wild animals


With Dolma- my friend and language helper


Chapagaun, Nepal- site of the Ropain rice planting festival


Planting rice during Ropain. Can you find the big blonde wearing the Sunflower Outdoor and Bike shirt? ;)


My language teacher, Sama, and her two sons at their "Sacred Thread" ceremony- a Brahmin male's coming of age

It's official!


Me on campus at the Kathmandu University Department of Music- in Bhaktapur, Nepal


A fun weekend spent in Chitwan National Park with friends. You haven't lived 'til you've ridden an elephant into the jungle and spotted two rhinos lounging in the lake to cool off, and a deer carcass in the tree above you from a leopard snack!


Sweet girls at the safe house that I visit weekly- everyone loves a birthday party.


Grocery shopping is a little different here...


My first invitation to dinner at a Nepali family's home


In my living room. Small, but cozy!

View from our roof in January. Believe it or not, now (July) you can't even see the Himalayas!


Weekend homestay in the village of Lele


Footbridge near my home

Market near Kathmandu Durbar Square


At swayambunath (the monkey temple)- a combo hindu temple/buddhist stupa.


In nepal, it is 57 years ahead (using the lunar calendar)...so it is now the year 2071. HAPPY NEW YEAR	!!

don't tell me you love me

2014-03-29T08:39:00.000-05:00

Today I had one of the most interesting experiences of my life, and it came in the somewhat mundane guise of an invitation to a friend's house for "a meal". What makes this invite different is the fact that it was an invitation to a Nepali family's home. I have never been to a "real" Nepali's house for more than a few minutes, and this family had never entertained a bideshi (foreigner) before. Add to that the fact that I speak very limited Nepali and only one of the 6 family members speaks even more limited English, and you have a recipe for interesting. I am forever grateful for the insight of a couple of American friends who came to Nepal about 8 months before I did, because they gave a few tips on what to expect and that kept me from looking like a complete idiot. Partial idiot? Well, duh.

Tip #1. "You will be the entertainment." They were spot on. My friend and her husband met me at a local intersection at 9am and we walked the rest of the way together. They live in a quiet little area about 2 miles from my flat. When we arrived, I was introduced to the entire family, and then led into my friend's bedroom where we sat on the bed. There were actually 2 beds, so I sat on the one closest to the door. Then they took out a camera and all the family members took turns sitting on the bed with me, posing for photos, while the rest sat on the other bed watching. They rotated through all sorts of combinations before we were through!

Tip #2. "They will feed you. A LOT. Plan to eat several meals while you are there, and chances are you will be the only one eating and they will gather around to watch you eat." Notice the chiyaa (tea) and plate of cookies in the picture. Those were mine. I offered to share but was told that they were mine and only mine...and every time I ate one or two, "mama" would replace them. I asked where their chiyaa was, and my friend's husband told me, "We are poor family. We have only 4 cups." And there were 6 family members, plus me. I was both humbled and very grateful for the amazing hospitality. All day long, they fed me first and fully- making sure I had enough before eating themselves. I had to be careful not to eat too quickly or clean my plate because as soon as I did, more food would appear- and in Nepal it is an insult to leave food. It is a delicate balance that I haven't quite figured out, yet.

After chiyaa and cookies, they pulled out photo albums from their wedding, as well as family photos, and we went through each of those. I got lots of practice asking questions and saying "family words". I'm happy that was lesson #2 in my language learning! After photo sharing time, we went out to the living room where we again sat on the beds (that double as sofas during the day) and they took turns having pictures taken with me.

At this point, it is about 10:30am and we are doing our best to make small talk (remember the "I don't speak much Nepali and only one of them speaks a little bit of English" thing). It is really good practice, though we are probably only getting the true meaning of about 25% of the conversation. Just when things threatened to get awkward, here came meal# 2.

The small individual plates of food in front of each person is their lunch. The table-full of food in the foreground is MY lunch. OMG!!!! Let me remind you that it is rude not to eat what is put in front of you. So, after chiyaa and about 10 cookies, I then ate a huge plate of rice, fried chicken meat, curried chicken meat, lentil soup, seasoned potatoes, greens, and a spicy "pickle" dish. They tried to give me more but I politely declined.

If I was in America, I would have expected that the visit was over- but fortunately, I had been clued in to Tip#3... "This will be an all day affair." After lunch, I was told that at 2pm, my friend's sister-in-law was coming and I was expected to be there when she arrived. They also threw me for a small loop when they asked me if I was spending the night! I managed to (I think) politely decline, but I was told that next visit would be an overnight. WOW- all day affair means all day affair. Note to self! Since we had lots of time between lunch and 2pm, I had a chance to experience Nepali "day to day" living:

Doing the lunch dishes outside


Bath on the roof, in the sun!

I wasn't allowed to help with any of these things, though I did offer. Instead, they pulled up a small stool and I just watched as they went about their daily chores. It was actually pretty intimate and I was honored to have the
chance to be a part of it.

Watering the garden with the wash water

After chores, I took my friend, her husband, and his brother to my house to get my photo albums and pictures of my family (this seemed like a good way to fill an hour or so and to extend a little hospitality of my own).

Picture time AGAIN! This time, in front of my garden.

Then we walked back to their house, where they insisted I lay down on one of the beds in the living room- and they took a picture of it. LOL. About 20 minutes later, I was fed more chiyaa, sliced apples, and coconut...and we played a board game. I have no idea the rules or what the object was, but I kept rolling the dice when it was my turn, and they kept moving my pieces around the board until they told me I won. Wooohoooo!

At around 4pm, I told them that I needed to be going, so guess what? Another snack. This time chiyaa, a stack of white toast, and puffed rice. I nearly waddled out the door. In the spirit of true Nepali-style hospitality, they didn't allow me to go alone. I was walked to the intersection by my friend, her husband, and his younger brother. I had to promise to come back for an overnight, as well as to accompany my friend to her mother's village on one of her next trips to visit.

I learned a lot more than I bargained for. Probably the best lesson was that words are the least powerful way to express love. Today, we proved that.

today i learned how easy it would be to drown

2013-11-18T22:19:00.002-06:00

in all fairness, i knew better. funny, but i say that like it is a defense. does it make something more or less idiotic if i recognize the dangers and do it anyway? i guess more idiotic, but at least you know i was being observant.

yesterday was going to be the last paddle of the season. blair and i originally had plans to kayak at perry lake, but the weather wasn't cooperating. it was warm in the sun (upper 60s), but super windy. i don't mean a little windy. i mean windy in a kansas way. 20mph wind with gusts up to 40+mph. so windy that we had a change of plans. blair suggested, and i agreed, that we paddle the kansas river instead, in hopes that the river banks would provide some protection. we dropped off the van in eudora (about 10 miles downriver as the crow flies), picked up a couple friends, and headed back to the boat ramp in north lawrence.

the riverbanks didn't seem to be playing along with our plan. if anything, i think they created a wind tunnel. the water was rough in a way that i'd never seen the river. i had seen the water levels high, swelling against the banks, and i had seen the water speed fast, rushing at breakneck speed toward the east...but i had never seen breakers and foot high whitecaps cover the surface, all the way across the river. we were all set to get in when the alarm bells went off in my head. we didn't have life vests. the two friends we were paddling with had brought theirs, but ours were in the van all the way upriver in eudora. i jokingly mentioned that if we tipped, they'd have to save us since they were the only ones with vests. they headed out on the water and it was an immediate struggle but they managed to start making their way down current. i got in my boat next and blair launched me. i didn't realize right away that i was in trouble, but i did recognize that this was no ordinary paddle. the current was pulling my boat straight across the river and i couldn't get my nose pointed downstream. i literally couldn't do it. i ruddered on the left and did wide c strokes on the right and nothing. i was sideways to the waves and they were breaking over the side and top of my boat. i was pitching side to side as they hit. i tried putting more arm into it, and tried to force my nose around, but it kept pulling back to the right. at one point, i felt like my boat was beginning to turn around backward so i gave a really hard thrust to the right...

and i went over, capsizing my kayak and plunging into the frigid kaw.

the water was so cold that it immediately took my breath away, like i had been kicked in the chest. i turned my head toward the boat ramp and saw that blair was preparing to get into his boat, and hadn't seen me flip. i tried to call his name, but barely any sound came out- mostly because i couldn't get a decent breath in. my clothes were quickly soaking up water and getting heavier, trying to drag me under. my boat was floating away, my paddle in the opposite direction, and i couldn't touch the bottom. with the weight of my clothes and the stiffening of my muscles from the cold, i didn't think i could swim to shore. i waved an arm and caught blair's attention, and then i put all my energy into catching up with my boat and clamoring up the side, until my chest was draped over the top like a shipwreck survivor...and i guess, in fact, i was. blair caught up with me as fast as he could and we tried to figure out the best move that wouldn't include him getting in the water, as well. i tried to kick paddle toward shore but the current was moving me more downstream than across. the longer i was in the water, the colder and weaker i got. finally, i drifted/kicked/maneuvered to an area just shallow enough that i could touch bottom. i slowly walked through the chest deep water, pushing the capsized kayak in front of me, until i reached the bank, and blair hauled us both out. though my actual time in the water was under 10 minutes, it felt like eternity (as little as one hour in 50 degree water can cause death due to hypothermia).

this is the part of the story where i end up shirtless at the kansas river for the second time in my life. some of you remember the story of the first. we had shirts in our dry bag so i was at least able to get dry on top- but not on the bottom. i have never been that cold in my life. i decided not to attempt to finish the paddle- the river had shown her superior strength and i thought it unwise to test her. blair, however, had to continue on since our friends had drifted a half mile or so downstream and were unable to make it back to us. we secured the boat on the shore, and i watched while he struggled against the waves and wind, making sure he didn't dunk like i had. when he had made it most of the way there, i started my hike along the bank back toward the trail head and parking lot. god was smiling on me, and just as i came up out of the river, 4 mountain bikers rode off the trail- one of them, a friend. in less than 5 minutes i was loaded into a warm car and driven to shaun's... wet, cold, humbled, and grateful for the chance to learn from this lesson...

...and to heed those pesky alarm bells in my head.

i can finally do anything a guy can do. well, almost.

2013-08-07T19:20:00.000-05:00

i love being a woman. i am not one of those people that daydreams about how great life would be if only i was born into different circumstances. i don't think my life is unfair, and i don't wish that i had been born someone else- especially a male someone else. i really love being a woman. i think we get away with things guys don't get away with (like going 90 mph in a 40 on a country road when we're 21), get bonuses they don't get (like a free $2000 roof upgrade, or an insulated garage door for the cruddy non-insulated door price), and can often charm/wriggle/manipulate our way into or out of a ridiculous plethora of situations that men can't. sorry guys- that's just life, and i love every girly minute of it. the only real advantage that i see in being a guy is the ability to pee standing up.

today, i thought i had that one all figured out. thanks to amazon.com, i had the promise of being the ultimate man-girl. (enter stage left) the "extreme shewee. the portable urinating device for women." oh yeah....

so let's get this straight. i did not purchase the shewee to be more like a guy, or even to add one more advantage to this already blessed life i live. that was just going to be a bonus. i ordered it because i have had 3 knee surgeries and am moving to a country where all of the "toilets" are basically squat holes in the ground...which, of course, are surrounded by all the stuff that missed the squat holes when the other people were using them. i actually cannot get up from a full squat without pushing up off the ground, and i do not want to touch what i have seen on the ground in nepal. the shewee seemed like a no-brainer. if i can pee standing up, i will eliminate about 90% of the elimination squatting each and every day. woohoooooo! oh, what an interesting life i lead.

the shewee kind of came with instructions. unfortunately, i didn't read them until after attempt #1. to be fair, they mostly said things like "adjust the amount of pressure you apply and the angle based on your body." well duh. what i didn't realize is that the time to experiment with the amount of pressure and the angle is not DURING attempt #1. it is kind of like learning to drive a car as a teenager- when your reflexes are fast, but you don't know what to do with them so you compensate, and then overcompensate, until you've crashed and burned. or dripped and drizzled. oh yike. i won't give any more details (you are very welcome) except to say that after i threw my jeans and the bathroom rug into the washer, i read those brief little instructions and noted the ones that say, "practice in the shower to find the position that is best for you." that reads like a proverb to me, now. note to self for attempt #2!

so now i can finally do anything a guy can do. well, almost.

fat, sick, and nearly dead?

2013-06-23T15:02:00.001-05:00

fat, sick, and nearly dead...that was a title that caught my eye one night as i was browsing the hulu free documentaries to distract myself from the boredom of having my boyfriend out of town for 2 months. it resonated with me. nearly dead? well, no- of course not. sick? well, sick of being fat. and i AM fat right now. as a matter of fact, probably my fattest since quitting smoking over 10 years ago (not that i got all of that weight off, either). sigh. haven't we been down this road before? yep, and as long as you'll keep reading, i'll keep sharing these struggles and this journey. after all, i have to believe that in most ways i'm pretty average, and others are surely struggling with the same things- especially in the 40-somethings.

so i watched the documentary and it was life changing. i am not just being dramatic (this time. haha). it really was an eye opening, transformational film. it chronicles the journey of a 41 year old guy who found himself fat, out of shape, struggling with an autoimmune disorder, and staring down the reality of his own mortality who decides to go on a 60 day juice fast. okay, that is a little extreme, even for me- and i am the queen of extreme...but he did it and it saved his life. probably literally. he is off all meds, feels great, and is HOT! okay, let's be real here. that is the part that resonated with me the most- the desire to be HOT! under all that fat, out of shape mediocrity was a much younger looking and much better looking guy. i'm all in.

monday night i watched the movie with teary-eyed admiration. tuesday i bought a juicer. so far, i haven't looked back. i can't get past the desire to chew at least some of my food, so i am juicing about 90%. i have a juice for breakfast, one for lunch, one as an afternoon snack, and another later in the evening. dinner is a large greens salad with some protein (nuts or tuna, etc...) and a little olive oil and vinegar. yay- i get to chew!! the juices are delicious and i haven't found a combination that i haven't loved, yet. today's breakfast was orange beets, grapefruit, oranges, and carrots. lunch was kale, celery, green apple, lemon, and ginger. my snack was beets, carrots, celery, lemon, orange, and basil. the combinations are endless and yummy.

how do i feel? so far, pretty darn good. let's start by saying that between the juicing and walking an hour or so a day, i have lost 6 pounds in the past 10 days. i am peeing like a racehorse (sorry- but it's true!) so try to go to bed a little earlier each night to make up for the interruption of sleep. i can tell that my neurotransmitters are firing differently now that they are getting all of these super concentrated nutrients and aren't bogged down by "junk". my dreams are vivid and crazy. my skin is glowing. my body is firming. it is all good.

is there a downside? giving up coffee (i switched to green tea or yerba mate) made me a little groggy the first couple of days and i found myself dropping things a lot as i adjusted. my energy level was also lower, probably due to a drastic decrease in processed carbs and calories overall. other than that, most of the effects have been positive. i am also not particularly hungry. i am definitely ready for my next juice by the time i can have one, but i am no hungrier (or maybe even less) than i was between solid meals. i think i may be onto something!

i challenge you to at least watch the movie and see what i found so inspiring. then visit the website fatsickandnearlydead.com to read the success stories and check out the before and after pics. there is also info on juice recipes, and how to do a "reboot". you may not end up going on a juice fast, but i bet it gets you up off your couch, moving more and eating better. my roommate already took that challenge and i have dragged her to the dark side. she likes the added bonus that when you juice, you don't have to cook. hey- whatever motivates you, right?!

stay tuned...

now i can't be a thong model.

2013-01-19T10:02:00.000-06:00

oh, the little heartbreaks in life that can't be avoided. the good news is that i am nearly healed from the brown recluse bite i battled with for the past month. yay!! but there is bad news. as so eloquently stated by one of the physicians in the department where i work, "i am so glad that the spider bite on your butt is healing up- but now you can't be a thong model." what??!!? OMG, he's right!! there is a scar there now! it is absolutely, positively, no-question-about-it true that NOW i can't be a thong model! i am SURE that is the only reason, too (sniff...whimper...sob).

i was keeping that possibility on the back burner for some extra income after retirement. sigh... back to the drawing board.

2012 resolution review- what do you think...did i keep them?!

2013-01-06T10:25:00.002-06:00

i can't believe how fast 2012 went! it is already time to consider my new "resolutions" and review the old. i always thought those old people lamenting about how time just rockets by as you get older were exaggerating. nope! zooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom.

first, let's look at last year's resolutions. the first was to implement "no lights night" once a week, and only use candles or a headlamp from 5pm on. that one went pretty well- i actually kept that resolution through may! when my roommate moved in the first of june, i didn't have the heart to tell her she couldn't use lights one night a week- at MY whim. in fairness, she'd probably do it, but i didn't want to press my luck. i need her to want to live here, since she is "plan A" for watching my house when i move to nepal.

resolution #2 was to go on a spending hiatus during lent, not purchasing anything besides the basic necessities of food, household cleaners, toilet paper, etc... well, not only did i do that during lent, i continued throughout the rest of the year. for the first 10 months of 2012, i purchased NOTHING that wasn't a necessity (with the exception of spending money on going out to eat or the occasional movie/entertainment splurge). the last 2 months i did purchase a pair of earrings in peru and some items i'll need in nepal that i can't buy there (a northface coat, sharp knives, and a couple of long blouses that fit me) but those can be arguably "necessities", right?! not only that, i sold or donated nearly half of my belongings to make room for my roommate and her stuff, and to earn a little money for my move. so, pretty good on #2!

the nepali eating experiment was a little brutal. i have already blogged that, so won't bore you here. just suffice it to say that i completed that one with more difficulty than i anticipated. i really don't like rice!

i also managed to keep #4, which was to keep my thermostat at or under 66 degrees in the cold months. this not only helped me save money, but also helped me adjust to colder temperatures in the house. this is something i'll have to deal with in spades once i'm in nepal- there is no central heat there. at this time of year, the hospital ward gets down to 40 degrees (F) at night and not much warmer during the day. even my sleeping bag is only rated down to 45F! wow- talk about something to be thankful for here in the US! as a matter of fact, do it now. just stop, take a moment, and say a little prayer of thanks for central heat. i'll wait...

so how about 2013? what's on the resolution agenda? well, as i'm sitting here with a brown recluse bite wound that i've been battling for 20 days, a tweaked lower back from sitting cattywompas because of the bite, and a whopping cold virus, i'd say that they need to revolve around health. i am suddenly feeling my biological age and my mortality. i saw a billboard on my trip to st. louis that said "eat like your life depends on it". so wise- i need to get my healthy eating back on track. and exercise more, to strengthen my body. more yoga and meditation to ease and strengthen my mind. and guitar lessons! i have already started those. come on, some of them have to be fun!

oh- and one last one...i vow NOT to look for love in 2013. that little experiment in 2012 was a disaster (you know who you are). 'nuff said.
here we go again....

"how is your butt?" and other things people ask me at church

2012-12-23T18:34:00.002-06:00

i can't begin to tell you how disturbing it is to have my butt be the topic of conversation. i mean, seriously... "how is your arm?" would sound so much more dignified. instead, i suffer through "how is your butt?". even at church. i must have been asked 100 times today. don't get me wrong, i am thrilled that people care about me and want to know how i'm doing. i also don't want them to feel like they can't ask. i just wish it was on my arm!

so here is the update- i think it is getting better, but it is far from healed. i have a friend (my roommate is getting of the hook on this one, and boy is she grateful!) coming once a day to pack it. that involves stuffing 2 feet of 1/2 inch wide gauze through the inch wide incision into the crater under the skin, which i estimate to be about the size of a raquetball. obviously, that is NO fun- for either of us. i have yet to figure out who's getting the worse end of the deal. before she comes, i medicate with 2 percocet, pull out the 2 feet of packing she put in there the day before, and hop in the shower to wash out the wound. then i spend the rest of the day trying to recover from the pain once the percocet wears off. at bedtime, it is 2 percocet, 800mg of ibuprofen, an ambien, and a beer. that allows me to sleep reasonably well so that i can start all over the next day. ugh.

the fevers still come and go. i am on antibiotics for the staph infection that is in the wound, but the good news is that it isn't a form of staph that is resistant to medications. it's just a run-of-the-mill bacteria, but boy it's kicking my butt! literally.

overall, it is improving. the reddened area is smaller and there is less drainage. i also no longer feel like i might die during the night. see? that's an improvement! just please pray for the drive to st. louis on the 27th. i am ringing in the new year at a mission/worship conference (urbana). it is hard to drive while staying off one side of your butt- so i am guessing it is going to hurt! i could try the percocet/beer combo, but they frown on that while driving. guess i'll just have to suck it up (shudder).

merry christmas to me...

it finally happened- a spider tried to kill me

2012-12-19T20:05:00.000-06:00

i need to watch what i wish for. i was just thinking, "i haven't had anything newsworthy happen in awhile. i need a good story for my blog!"...and then, as if on command, a spider tried to kill me. to be fair, i am not absolutely, positively, 100% sure it was a spider. i have no actual proof (except the aftermath) but i know they're pure evil and intuition tells me one was to blame for what i've been dealing with all week.

this all started on friday. i was spending a lazy day in my lazy boy. okay, it's from world market, but lazy boy has a nice ring to it. :0) i had been reading in my chair for a couple of hours, and when i got up i felt a burning, itchy little area at the top of my left hip/buttock. disclaimer here for anyone who's heard me tell this story using the euphamism "top of my leg". technically my butt IS the top of my leg. the VERY top of my leg!! okay, okay...my blog is a place of honesty and transparency, so goodbye to dignity-sparing descriptions. i have what i think is a spider bite (SHUDDER at the thought!!) on my butt. sigh.

at first i didn't realize it was a bite. i thought maybe the seam of my jeans had embedded in my skin from sitting in the same position for too long, and it was just an indentation that would go away. by the next morning, it was obviously a bite. it was about the size of a quarter and hot, with a hard center. if that sounds bad, fast forward to sunday when it was the size of a grapefruit! in my defense, i really thought this would go away on its own. i wasn't being avoidant because i am a nurse, although i am admittedly a better nurse than a patient. i have had these a couple of times in the past and they have always gotten worse for a day or two and then slowly resolved without any treatment. this got bad FAST! by saturday night, the left side of my butt was about 1/3 larger than the right side (oh my word, that was horrifying on so many levels), the tissue was hard as a rock, red, and hot, and i had a fever. i had to wear a skirt because i was too swollen to fit into my jeans- really! by sunday, i was actually scared. all of those stories of flesh eating bacteria and people with amputations (how do you amputate 1/2 a butt??!) came flooding into my mind. all of the ER horror stories i've told and heard were suddenly way less amusing and entertaining and way too much of a potential reality.

i called the doc on call and got some antibiotics started on sunday afternoon, and even drew a line around the edge of the wound with a marker to keep track of its progress. i doubt i needed that for reference. by the next day, the redness had spread to nearly 2 inches outside the marker line, the pain was worse, and the fever didn't budge. the nutshell is that after 8 hours worth of ER visits in 2 days, 2 liters of IV fluids, 2 doses of heavy-duty IV antibiotics, one IV start that accidentally hit an artery, 2 rounds of being cut open with a scalpel and having the wound cleaned and packed with gauze, and a visit to the surgeon, i think i am going to live. i still have a long road ahead of me and it is far from healed, but i am on the right path. the surgeon did some serious work on it in the office and said to me, "i think if you hadn't come in today, you would have been in real trouble. you would have ended up with extensive surgical debridement and loss of tissue". translation: "i would have to take you to surgery and cut a big chunk out of your butt". if they would consider taking a chunk off both sides of my butt, i might consider it. anyway...

prayers for all the doctors, nurses, and nurse practitioners that have had to see my swollen, wounded butt this week. we will ALL need healing after that. even more prayers for my roommate who will have to pack it with gauze once a day until it's all over and done. i really should add this to the lease.

the moral of the story is that once again, good prevails over evil. spiders beware!!

viva el peru!

2012-11-16T19:47:00.000-06:00

viva el peru!

before you start saying things like “what a good person you are” and “how wonderful that you’re helping people”, let’s get one thing straight- this was not a mission trip. i know, i know. i’m a bad person… but i'm a bad person with one bucket list item crossed off! once i was accepted as a missionary to nepal, i realized that my ability to just jet around the world on fabulous vacations was about to come to an end. i also realized that if i want to get to some of my bucket list items, i need to do it now. i have saved up some money just for this purpose, and this week #1 is officially completed.

what an experience. this was my first foray into the continent of south america and what a foray it was. peru is absolutely beautiful- not as “undeveloped” as some of the places i’ve been, but still rough enough to be up my alley. funny, but the older i get the less i want the luxury experience and the more i want to immerse myself into the true local culture and local way of life. i even feel a little “jipped” when the hotel is too fancy. not a problem on this trip. the hotels were clean and had all the amenities (well, except hot water in the second one) but still simple and unassuming.

the first place we stayed was below the town of cusco, in urubamba, or the “sacred valley” (in the incan language of quechua). it touted spa services and we were exhausted after 2 days of travel, so brian and i decided to book massages to relax and unwind, and prepare ourselves for hiking machu picchu. really- you need loose muscles to make that hike. we considered it a medical necessity and not an indulgence. :0) we needed to be done early enough to get ready for our tour group dinner, so the front desk arranged for 2 massage therapists to do them- his at 4:30p and mine at 5p. when i arrived for mine, the girl met me at the door to the massage room, cracked it open, and ushered me inside, whispering, “okay, senorita. okay.” and pointing me to the table. right next to brian’s. here we were, in a tiny room that resembled a potting shed in the back of the hotel, and evidently we were getting a couple’s massage. now, for those of you that don’t know this, brian is one of my best friends. has been for 18 years. we have never, ever (nor do we plan to) seen each other naked. ewwwwwww (sorry brian- but i’m sure you will join me in that sentiment!). it would be like seeing your brother/sister naked. it’s just not necessary. so the girl backs out of the room, the guy keeps doing brian’s massage, and i am left to disrobe and crawl onto the other bed. to his credit, he kept his head turned the other way, but that didn’t muffle the snickering. the rest of the massage was pretty ridiculous. he was laying on what looked like a wood pallet with a pillow on it, and my bed was about 4 feet long. they were no more than 4 inches apart, max, and my massage therapist had to keep pushing my bed side to side to get around me during the massage. at one point she got stuck in a eucalyptus tree in the corner near the head of my bed and the rustling and sounds of a struggle nearly drowned out our laughing. it was not the most relaxing massage i've ever had, but it was certainly the most random!

interesting little fun fact: peru grows over 3,000 varieties of potatoes. (see? i listened during the tour).

machu picchu. wow. if this isn’t on your bucket list, you need to put it there. it was absolutely spectacular. those incas were some truly innovative and resourceful people, and the ruins are amazing. you can only access the ancient city by foot- oh how I wish I had the time to hike in via the inca trail! there are no roads for cars or buses. we took an excursion train to the town below, a bus to the trailhead, and then hiked the rest of the way in. when we got to the top of the stairs (endless stairs), the view took my breath away. well, it could have been the nearly 8,000 foot elevation, too. either way, it is something i will never forget. as a group we had a 2 hour tour and walked the ruins. then we had lunch on our own and were left to explore. about 8 of us decided to head back up the mountain and head down the backside on a narrow mountain path that hugs the cliff face and leads to the “inca bridge”. we had to sign in and out at that trailhead and found out later that this is the area where the majority of deaths occur from plummeting down the mountainside. i guess this is so they know where to start looking when you don’t show up at the end of the day. the bridge was terrifying and thankfully closed. i am phobic of heights but am crazier (or more stubborn) than i am chicken, so would have found it necessary to try to cross it, had it been open. chances are i would have gotten stranded partway across, paralyzed and unable to go forward or turn around. i am SO happy i wasn’t allowed to find out. it was about 2 foot wide and made of stacked logs spanning a 20 or 30 yard long section of cliff face. cliff to the left, nothing to the right. this led to steps carved into the stone of the cliff, leading back up the opposite mountain. all of this Is about 1,000 feet above the valley/river below. i think the moment we reached that bridge was the highlight of this trip. have i mentioned that i love my life?!

there was so much more to this trip that i don’t have time or space to get into, in detail… there was shopping at a market where the locals shop, eating alpaca (tastes like lamb) and guinea pig (i liked mouse better), touring ruins in cusco, visiting the “white Christ” which is a replica of the one in rio, brazil, watching shows featuring traditional dances and music, having dinner in a local family’s home, visiting a shop where they taught us how to distinguish clothing made from “baby alpaca” vs. adult alpaca or “maybe alpaca” (the baby is much softer and cool to the touch), participating in a cooking demonstration and then getting to eat the results (called causa), going to a local cemetery, witnessing a blessing by a kichwa shaman, touring the catholic cathedral, losing my credit card (ugh), doing a city wide tour in lima- all amazing (except losing my credit card). peru has a rich culture and warm, friendly people.

trust me. get your pencil and add this one to your bucket list.

2012-10-22T21:10:00.000-05:00

oh kim, this is wrong. i should be writing this to you 45 years from now, when i'm 89 and you are (were) 97- after having danced yourself to death in the nursing home singles "mixer" on a sunny sunday afternoon. that was my plan. why do you always mess up my perfectly reasonable plans?

think of all the fun you can have with $107

2012-10-13T21:10:00.000-05:00

i recently took a different job with about half the hours to help me move forward toward my move to nepal. this was a prayer-filled, well thought out change and so far it's been wonderful. i have been very intentional about using the extra time to be productive. i have studied for my missions perspective class, read my bible, weeded out clothing i'll no longer need and have taken it to the second hand store for consignment... i have read 2 of the 6 books recommended to me by TEAM, and started a bible study/mentoring program with a young woman from church. i have completed online fundraising tutorials and surveys needed before my week-long orientation in chicago next week. i have cooked and cleaned and decluttered. i refinanced my house at a lower interest rate to lower my mortgage payments so that my roommate's rent will mostly cover it while i'm gone. like i said, i have been productive.

one of the things i decided to do today was make a budget. i have never made a budget. in fairness, i have never had to. i make good money and live a very modest lifestyle. i have no debt except for my mortgage. even my jeep is paid for. i am not a "shopper"- the only money i really spend is on things like eating out and entertainment. i am never in danger of spending more than i make, unless i'm traveling. i figured that i could easily live on half my salary if i tightened the reins a little on those incidental things. over the past several months i have cut expenses even further by volunteering at the food bank (they can't give out the dented cans for safety reasons, so us volunteers get to take some home, thus lowering my food bill) and becoming a "karma yogi" which means that i clean the yoga studio for a couple of hours a week in exchange for free yoga/exercise classes. that will allow me to eliminate my gym fee too. i have started frequenting our local "discount grocery store" on days like monday, which is "monday mania" and rotisserie chickens are $4.49, and tuesday when bananas are 19 cents a pound! in other words, i have a plan!

back to the budget. i put down my average monthly costs for my mortgage and utilities. i was doing pretty well at that point. that left me with between $400 and $500 a month for incidentals. oh wait... i forgot gas. i only get 14 miles to the gallon in the jeep on a great day. better take off another $150- more while i'm driving to and from raytown for class. okay, i can work with $300 or $350. oops... the text message that just came in reminded me that i have a cell phone bill too. bye bye to another $85. so now i'm down to $225ish. omg- how did i forget about car insurance and my internet bill? after all, i'm using the internet to look up my online bill pay info. sigh. after it was all said and done, my total after those expenses was $107. i haven't even taken off for food, yet, or the extra $200 a month i will have to pay for health insurance now that i'm part-time.

moral of the story- do the budget BEFORE deciding whether or not to take the part-time job. i am not sweating it though. i will trust that god will provide. and i'm starting the "freegan diet" again. this will be good for me, right? what better way to prepare to live like a missionary than to actually live like a missionary?

p.s. yes, i will take and eat all your stuff that has expired but still doesn't smell too bad. :0)

back to online dating- just for your amusement!

2012-10-04T21:43:00.000-05:00

so, by now you know i'm an eternal optimist. or a fool. i prefer optimist and this is my blog, so i'll go with that.

i know i've had some dreadful online dating experiences (reference past blog posts. haha), but i am always one to play the odds. odds are that it's bound to get better, right? between that assumption and a recent request from a friend to post something humorous as opposed to "deep" this next round, i decided to take one for the team and go back on the online sites. i signed up for "christian mingle" and went back to browse "plenty of fish" which was a site i frequented before. actually, that was the one where i found the guy with 2 fiancees and 19 women who thought they were his girlfriend. wow. i really am optimistic.

christian mingle is fine but a little slow. the nice thing is that it is a christian site so not everyone is just trying to "hook up". plenty of fish, on the other hand, was sending me matches of folks that i am sure i wouldn't be attracted to in real life. i am not being harsh or judgemental, but we all have our preferences and the things that we find attractive, and these didn't fall into those categories. there was an option to go to a set of profiles and "rate" the pictures so the matching software would know what i prefer and send me matches based on those preferences. well, there was one out of the first 20 that was a "hit" so i rated him high. much to my surprise, it sent him an email telling him i wanted to meet. oops! i decided to throw caution to the wind and go with it. a friend and i were supposed to meet for dinner after my KC class last sunday but she had the nerve to have a baby and canceled on me. since i was going to be dining alone and he lives in KC, i asked if he wanted to join me. he did.

the nutshell was that he was handsome, well dressed, intelligent, educated, professional, interesting, and interested. overall, a pretty darn good date! i regained my hope in online matching potential. he did try to land a kiss in the parking lot, but i'm not that kind of first date girl- so i did a polite swerve and leaned in for the hug. after the date, he texted that evening and called the next day to talk for a few minutes. today we exchanged a text or two and made plans for a phone call this evening after getting home from all the "stuff" we had planned.

then i got the other text. "hey babe, i'm good either way, but i'm going to plan on picking up food and heading over unless you tell me you want to go out."... did i mention that he was NOT heading to my house? he sent that text to the wrong girl. it was followed by "my bad. sorry."

awkward! and back to square one.

yike...

boring little update :)

2012-09-30T22:13:00.000-05:00

sorry- no witty banter, earth shattering news, or shockers. i just thought you might want a general life update, since so much has been going on in mine lately. let's see- where to start?

i started my new job last week. i spent the week shadowing in the different areas where i'll be working (prep, procedures, and recovery in the endoscopy center) and i'm thrilled. the job seems like it will be interesting, fun, and varied, but what is even better is the morale and relationships between the nurses in the department. everyone is upbeat, positive, and willing to help each other out. the manager is fair, flexible, and a working part of the team. best of all, i will be back at the bedside and able to connect with my own patients. i had forgotten how much i enjoy that. how much i need that.

i am still single and grateful for that. with each passing day, i am more and more convinced that i'd rather be single than paired up with someone that is not a good match for me and vice versa. that's not to say that there aren't lonely moments- but they have more to do with loneliness in general than they do with missing a particular person. that's the human condition, i think. we are wired for companionship and are never quite satisfied when we don't have it. that is why we keep trying so hard to make the wrong thing the right thing (or at least i do)... because of that deep need for connection. i just need to keep reminding myself that i'd rather be single than wish i was! ;)

i preached the sermon at church a couple of weeks ago. what a trip that was! i am sure i talked a mile a minute (how odd!) but it must have been effective because i preached on "missions" and when i got done, the congregation donated $1800 into the special offering for our church missions fund. how awesome!! the downside is that they put nearly all the offerings into that fund and next to nothing into the general offering plate for the week. our priest is thinking twice about having me preach. that'll teach him!

i know a lot of you are wondering about my sister and how she's doing. thank you for the continued thoughts and prayers. this has been an awful time. she is on hospice and they gave her "2-4 weeks" about a month ago. no one knows when that time will actually come. in some ways it will be way too soon and in others, not soon enough. it is awful to say goodbye to someone you love, but worse to see them suffer. i have been asked to sing her funeral (a request i hope you never need to contemplate) and i have decided i will try. i found a wonderful friend- one who got me through singing at one of my best friend's son's funerals- to play for me, and if i choke while i'm singing she will pick up where i leave off and finish singing it for me. that's the best i can do. please pray for that. it is a gift i really want to give to our family.

that is the update...the good, the bad, and the ugly of my life. i am blessed to have all three because as hard as this life can be, it is teaching me compassion and strength and is giving me a better understanding of all that people carry on their shoulders every day. it has made me kinder and more patient. i certainly don't want to add to their burdens so i will give them a smile and a safe place to rest, and send them on their way happier than before...

...with god's help.

god and my cell phone were arguing in the grand canyon

2012-09-08T08:54:00.002-05:00

we get messages from all sorts of places, and sometimes it's difficult to determine which ones are lying to us and which ones are telling the truth. i believe, in part, that it is our responsibility to filter them and decide which ones we will allow to speak to our hearts and whisper to us who we are. after my breakup last week, i was hoping that my trip to sedona and my hike into the grand canyon would give me lots of time to talk to god, and some time in return for him to talk to me and remind me who i am. what i am. what i should do. you know, words of wisdom from the creator that made me in his image. that's not asking too much, right?

i am not naive enough to believe that you have to trek halfway across the country and head into the wilderness to encounter god- but it sure makes it difficult to ignore him or deny him when you're surrounded by the majesty of nature and hours upon hours of solo time trekking down (and then up... forever UP) into the canyons of arizona. i planned to take full advantage of that uninterrupted time to speak to him. uninterrupted, that is, except for my cell phone. thanks to technology and text messaging, god isn't the only one to talk to in the middle of nowhere. evidently my ex can reach me there, too. and "he" did. (i should admit that i replied...every time. sigh.)

it's not that god and the ex were telling me drastically different things on the surface- it's what was being whispered to my heart that was so different. god was saying, "you're loved". "he" was whispering, "you're loved, but i love myself more". god was saying, "you're special" and "he" was whispering, "you're special, but not special enough for me to make you a priority". god was saying, "you are beautiful and valuable" and "he" was whispering, "you are beautiful and valuable, but still not worth enough for me to try to find a way to make it work". god was saying, "i miss you and want you in my life" and "he" was whispering, "i miss you and want you in my life, but only to the extent that it doesn't interfere with anything i'm doing or inconvenience me in any way. i want you there on my terms because this is about me and what i need, and not you and what you need." i should have thrown that cell phone off the south rim and into the colorado river.

ultimately, it's good that it happened. it taught me a lesson. when we broke up, there was discussion about how he likes to remain friends and keep in contact with his ex's and how i believe it's healthier (for me and my sanity, at least) to cut all ties and have no contact, unless absolutely necessary. if i am not your girlfriend anymore, i don't want to see your face, hear your voice, be told about your activities- nothing. i want to pretend that you don't exist. that may sound harsh, but if you are no longer my reality, you can't hurt me anymore. i also don't think it's fair for you to be able to use me for electronic company when you're bored, or lonely, or sad, or desirous. it's not fair to keep your foot in the door. for me, it's an all or nothing thing. if you don't want all of me, and all of this experience, you get nothing. that's god's model. he wants all of my heart. in turn, i give all of my heart to him and to those i love. i expect the same in return. who am i kidding? i expect it all in return, but i'll accept 20%. if you can't give even that, what's the point? that's when the healthy thing to do is cut loose.

today, something new was whispered to my heart. it was a sound, and not words...

..."snip. snip."

oh- didn't i mention that??

2012-09-03T22:50:00.001-05:00

You know your life is eventful and tumultuous when you quit your job and it doesn’t top the list of the most important things to blog about that week. Or the next. Wow. Now that we’ve gotten the other news out of the way…..drumroll please…..wait for it….

I quit my job.

Hmmmmmmm. Seems a little anticlimactic now, but it wasn’t then. It was a pretty dramatic decision. Dramatic, but quick. I talked to the manager over the Endoscopy Center at our hospital on Tuesday, mulled it over on Wednesday, decided to take the job Thursday, and gave my notice on Friday. The decision brought an onslaught of emotions- some I anticipated, others I didn’t. Guilt over leaving my office mates (and leaving them with my workload when I go), sadness for turning over the program I created and developed, anxiety for our patients who may or may not have an official “advocate” when I leave, concern over the future of the program, trepidation, anticipation, resolve…and relief.

So much relief.

This will be a half time position (oops- I forgot “fear of starving to death” in my above list) doing bedside nursing in the Endoscopy Center. I will be caring for patients and assisting with scopes and procedures. My patients will be happy (because I’m their nurse, duh!), and I’ll be happy dealing with happy patients. I will have an extra day off each week, and afternoons free from 1:30p or 2p on. I will have flexibility to help Kim or care for Cameron as her life here on earth comes to a close. I will have more time to study and do fundraising so that I can move forward in my quest to get to the mission field. I can practice living frugally in prep for the life of a missionary (um…yay?). And most of all, the hope is that I can sleep again once the frustration over what my job has become, in contrast to my vision for it and what it should be, has faded.

So much relief.

(Please join me in humming the tune to Jeopardy as we anxiously await September 21^st.)

a win and a loss on the same day....

2012-08-29T22:46:00.000-05:00

today i won the contest i had with my boyfriend- "first one to lose 10 pounds wins a fabulous prize!" what is the prize, you may ask? well, i don't actually know. i never got to find out. today i won the contest but i lost my boyfriend.

did i mention that we were also supposed to go to sedona tomorrow for a labor day trip? yep. timing is everything. perfect, as always.

out of respect for him and his privacy, i won't expound (seriously, don't act so shocked) except to say that there are some people you are meant to love but not be with. evidently that is true with us.

my heart is broken. broken, but thinner. there's always a bright side.

looking for the bright side

2012-08-18T21:19:00.000-05:00

the week before last was a rough week. on monday, i had to put my dog to sleep. on that following sunday, my stepmom died. like i said, it was a rough week.

i recently had a good friend say to me, "i don't think i've ever known anyone who has suffered so many significant losses in such a short period of time." this wasn't comforting, considering my friend is a psychologist specializing in depression, and has studied hundreds if not thousands of depressed people. that is definitely a distinction i wish i could trade in for one more fun or glamorous. truth is, he's right. in the past 2 years, i have lost both cats, my dogs thor and xena, my mom, my first love (see blog post entitled "time to be authentic"), and my stepmom. my sister kim is also dying. as much as i hate to say that out loud, not saying it won't make it less true. before this year is over, i will probably have lost her too.

i try to tell myself that it isn't about me, but that's not exactly true. death is not really about the dying. it's more about the ones left behind. the dying will finally be healed. we are told that there are no tears in heaven. not so, on earth. while the dying are finally healed of everything that was broken in this life, their loved ones are still broken...and more so, because of their loss. so, while it isn't really about me, it is. how many times can a heart break in 2 years? why do i have to be the one to find out? they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. by now, i should be the strongest woman on earth.

i am always one that's able to find a bright side in every situation- a silver lining, so to speak. it has been tough this time. the thought that my life is clearing out of everything and everyone i love, and that the lack of "roots" will make it easier to move away, doesn't quite seem like a bright side.

for now, it's all i've got.

play it safe or play with fire?

2012-08-01T22:48:00.000-05:00

i've never been good at playing it safe. this time, that may come back to bite me. i have started seeing someone and he is not "nepal guy"- meaning that i am moving to nepal to do full time mission work, and he is not. can't. not an option. absoflippinlutely not nepal guy... yet now he's my boyfriend. hey- i TOLD you this was going to come back to bite me.

i only have myself to blame. i knew he was not nepal guy when he asked me out. well, to be fair, i didn't actually know he was asking me out that first time. i know that sounds silly, but we have known each other a long time semi-socially, and i thought he just wanted to get together over a beer and discuss my latest trip (nepal, ironically) and catch up. turns out that for a "professional dater" (his pet name for me), i can be pretty naive. it was definitely a date. it probably wasn't a very fun date for him since i spent it cataloguing all the reasons we'd be a horrible match, and all the concerns i had about being associated with him in more than a casual way. i even went so far as to tell him that i wanted to avoid all the drama, and date him in private...only go places no one was likely to see or recognize us.. oh my, i was a fun one that night. believe it or not, i must have looked smashing because despite my less than encouraging feedback, he asked me out again. and again. and i kept going. despite myself, i kept having fun. i also kept telling myself that i wouldn't get attached because it's a really bad idea, especially considering the mandatory end- my move to nepal. i took solace in my "professional dater" status, knowing that i rarely get too attached and seldom go on more than a few dates with any one person. in other words, i'm cool calm and collected and am always in total control. i haven't had a long-term boyfriend in 4 years. no problem.

you guessed it. five weeks and 2 days later, i'm attached. he's handsome, nice, funny, and thoughtful. best of all, he's smitten and seems to adore me. that's a quality i admire in a man. it's a little too late to be asking these questions, but i have to wonder if this was wise. should i have played it safe and protected my heart, knowing there is a time limit to this relationship, or should i have gone ahead to experience all that this has to offer in the "here and now"? life is short as well as uncertain, and it seems sad to look so far into the future that you don't fully embrace the now. the now feels good and makes me happy, so i'm leaning toward the latter.

ask me again when it's time to leave.

six pounds! count 'em six!!

2012-07-25T22:18:00.001-05:00

just a quick update...i have stayed true to my resolution of a couple of weeks ago- to watch what i eat and exercise more, and as a result to lose weight. i love myfitnesspal.com. it has helped me stay right on track and to keep my net calories to around 1200 a day (average). and guess what? i probably gave it away in my not-so-subtle post title, but...

I HAVE LOST 6 POUNDS!!!!

not bad. i have a few more to go, but i won't focus on that for the time being. for now i'll focus on my SIX POUNDS! :0) can you tell i'm psyched? i have a contest going right now with "the boy that's to blame" (more about him in my next post) and the first one to 10 pounds wins a fabulous prize. he is at 3 and i am at.....say it with me...SIX! only 4 more to find out what my fabulous prize even is. i have one picked out for him, too. but shhhhhhhhhhhhh. it's a secret.

say some prayers for me tomorrow. it's pizza party day in our department. sigh.

fat. it's a state of mind...until you step on the scale

2012-07-08T16:18:00.002-05:00

ow.

so, i'm tired of being fat. okay, maybe not exactly fat, but fatter than i need or want to be. over the past couple of years i have let my fitness level decline. some of that can be blamed on circumstance- 2010 was largely spent helping care for my dying mother, and 2011 brought with it a much needed, but very limiting, spine surgery. since then, however, i have nothing to blame it on but being lazy and somewhat unmotivated. granted, i have my moments of brilliance, but they have proven to be too few and far between. i am still active and relatively fit, doing things like biking and kayaking- but evidently it isn't enough. i stepped on the scale for the first time in several months, and i am ashamed to say that i am about a pound shy of the panic level. you know, that weight that you absolutely, positively, without a doubt refuse to surpass. whew! just in time...

over the past couple of weeks i have made some big changes in my lifestyle. there is a boy to blame, of course, but that is a different story. i have started doing my kickboxing again and am working back into yoga. i have signed up on a fitness and diet tracking site called myfitnesspal.com, which allows me to enter my daily food intake and exercise exertion and calculates how many calories i have left in the day based on that info. it takes into account my activity level, age, gender, and how many pounds i want to lose each week (it won't let me pick 25. i tried), and gives me feedback on how i'm doing toward that goal. it is a very tangible measure of my progress when the actual pound loss or body changes come too slowly to motivate me. i am now hooked. i have to be careful...you know how i can be when it comes to balance...but so far so good. while i do obsessively log every single bite (as soon as i get off of here i am going to sign on and enter the 2 raw almonds i snacked on a few minutes ago) and i faithfully include every single bit of activity i do (like dancing to the music at a Third Day concert last night), i still think this will be a healthy and positive life change. perhaps my favorite part is that it tells me when i am either eating too little or exercising too much, and am in danger of going into starvation mode. true, i could probably live a few months on body fat stores alone, but i appreciate the warning anyway. :0)

i am looking forward to pursuing this goal, and all that entails along the way. i am shooting for a definite 15 pounds and a possible total of 20 if i feel that i still have a way to go when i get there. i am also trying to keep in mind things like body fat and muscle mass, since my kickboxing may bulk me up like an american gladiator (yeah, right!). what i am less excited about is the ability to feel every single muscle i have used in each and every workout. they scream at me with every move. walking up the stairs when i get home is a herculean task, and brushing my teeth is tricky because it hurts to hold my arm up for the entire 3 minutes. yike. the upside is that i can feel those screaming muscles turning into solid muscles, and the cushion layer over them is slowly melting away. i am confident that in another couple of weeks, i'll be able to brush my teeth without giving it another thought. in the meantime...

ow.

answers to "how was your trip?" and other unanswerable questions

2012-06-17T16:37:00.000-05:00

since returning home from my "vision trip" to nepal, i have had innumerable people ask me, "what do you think? was it fun? did you like it? was it an amazing experience? is that where you want to go?" i had no idea how difficult it would be to answer those questions and not sound like a raving lunatic. truth is that i am still processing the experience and my reaction to it. even as i write this, i am learning, little by little, what i think and feel about the trip and my future in nepal.

i say "my future in nepal" because regardless of my answers to the above questions, i still feel called to serve there. that isn't where my struggle lies.

my struggle lies in reconciling my experience with words like "fun", and "like", and "want". everyone expected that i'd go to nepal and i'd have this really rewarding visit and love the people, and the place, and know without a shadow of a doubt that this is where i belong. that is what i expected, too. instead, i had a trip full of challenges and obstacles, and fears that i had to face head-on. i was met with occasionally unimaginable conditions and the understanding that it was in these conditions that i'll eventually be living, no matter where i end up serving. i struggled with the knowledge that i, and everyone i know, have always envisioned me living and serving in africa. more than on any other trip (and there have been 15 since 2005), i struggled. that sounds bleak, doesn't it?

then there's the flip-side. no matter the challenge or the obstacle, there was always a way over, under, or around if i had the courage and the faith to take the path open to me. no matter how impossible the situation seemed at times, after much prayer, it became possible. no matter how inhospitable the conditions, the people met me with unparalleled hospitality- especially the other missionaries living both in kathmandu and "up the mountain". at times i felt like job in the bible, where god says to satan, "do what you want with her, just don't kill her" and satan had his way with me...testing me with spiritual warfare to see how obedient and faithful i'd really be in the face of such adversity. as a result, i felt myself getting more and more stubborn...and developed a "bring it!" attitude- because i felt that god was always there, ready to be my support and my strength when i didn't have any more of my own to rely on. while i didn't have an overwhelming sense that i "want" (on a conscious level) to spend my life serving in nepal, i DID have an overwhelming sense that it is what god wants of me- at least for now. he made a way for me there and is paving a path for me to take. he will be my strength when mine fails and he will be even more glorified by the fact that this is his agenda and not mine. i get a real sense that he has ordained this ministry and will show his glory through my uncertainty.

or i'm a raving lunatic.

so i told my story to my priest, who responded with characteristic transparency by saying that it was very overwhelming for him and he needed time to decide if i'm a lunatic or not. :) my story is overwhelming for me, too. this whole concept became really overwhelming for me as i was there living it. it hit home that i am really on the path to doing this, and that i’ll be leaving behind life as i know it back here and moving forward into a new and unchartered life. it’s not that i’ll be gone forever, even if this assignment is “permanent” -there are times of furlough and currently the plan is for me to furlough back in Lawrence for 3 months each year, instead of being gone for 3 or 4 years and then coming back for a full year…but i will be immersing in another culture and living the majority of my time in a completely different environment. i was hit with this wave of anxiety as i was standing on the street in kathmandu, surrounded by honking horns and cows in the road and dirt and trash and diesel smoke and heat and scooters and craziness….i had this almost unbearable longing for the peace, serenity, and “zen” of my life back here… and for the very first time i was truly afraid. funny, because in all of my travel trials and adventures (even in nepal) i was never really afraid. afraid of creepy spiders, yes (haha) but not afraid in any real sense. i was trapped alone in the terai with machine gun wielding soldiers and no ride, and i wasn’t afraid. i was left alone by those soldiers and left sitting in the desert heat with no ride and no cell phone and no idea what i was going to do- and i wasn’t afraid. i accidentally ventured into an army commando camp in the heart of the jungle and wasn’t afraid. i was staring into the eyes of a jackal/leopard/jungle cat on the path to my guesthouse, even then i wasn’t truly afraid. but standing there in kathmandu, envisioning what my life is to become….THEN i was afraid. i don’t think the fear has anything to do with the “wrong path”…. i don’t think it is a sign that this is not god’s will….i think it is the very real fear that i am not who i think i am (character-wise) and that i don’t have what it takes to be fully god’s. it is the fear of failing god, maybe… or the fear of not accepting this new life with enough grace…or the fear of being weak…maybe also the fear that this IS god’s path and i will be on it- alone- indefinitely... the fear that i won’t ever find that life partner that i always thought i’d find, to share in this really challenging journey… i don’t really know how to put a label on it, but it’s fear. period. the farther i get down the path, the more real it gets and the more freaked out i get. and the more excited i get, and antsy to move forward and get started. it is a constant tension between the pull back and the pull forward. yike.

how screwed up am i? you can tell me. i can take it.

sigh...