Photo: No longer victimized by time, yoga teacher Ethel Farbstein lives the three "uals" 1. punctual 2. spiritual 3. unusual.

By Jennifer Thompson

The following formula improved the esteem of my yoga studio in our local community. My staff has stopped arriving late to teach class and all it took was basic math.

Formula for compassion

R x D + 20 min – Scheduled Class Time = Departure Time.

One of my yoga teachers, Ethel Farbstein, is very skilled and quite popular, but always arrived 15 or even 25 minutes late. The problem she said is that she, “lives like 45 minutes away.”

My compassion welled up inside of me. Sure, she was hurting repeat business, but the poor thing! It was just so sad that circumstances were so difficult for her.

I couldn’t be mad at her.  She even kept leaving early, before class was supposed to start. I couldn’t refund the students and adjust Ethel’s pay, because after all she was traveling so far! And sometimes there is traffic and that’s like an act of god.

Math-asana

Recalling the words of my guru, words that I can’t remember right now, I decided not to give up. I sat her down with a pencil and a piece of scrap paper and asked her to write down the following:

• The rate of travel. How fast she will be moving, approximately or on average, during her commute? R stands for “rate” in the equation.
• The distance that she plans on traveling. D stands for “distance” in the equation.

In her case she averaged about 20 mph. This was mostly urban driving. She lived 17.5 miles away. According to our math, it would take her about 53 minutes to arrive to class with time to spare.

• Add 20 minutes to the estimated travel time.

53 minutes, plus a nice buffer of 20 minutes equals 1 hour and 13 minutes.

• Subtract the above total from the start time of the yoga class.
• Viola!

The resulting time is when it would behoove any professional worth their wages to leave for work. Her class starts at noon. So the magic number for Ethel is 10:47 am.

Phew, we got through that one.

I’m happy to announce that now she is no longer late except when she can’t find her iPod or has to wash her hair and stop for gas. Or that time she destroyed a birthday cake with ear candles.

I wish to thank my guru for giving me the calmness of perspective to grasp the tragedy of these human conditions and to find solutions to life’s most difficult quandaries, like respect and time management.

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Mult-vitamins aren't just not a way to get nutrients, they are also a way to help relax your chewing standards and pass solid steaks through your intestines

By Larry White

I’m a practical person. When it rains I use an umbrella, when it is sunny I wear sunscreen. And when I want plastic things to push junk food through my bowels, I take multi-vitamins.

My vitamins may not so much absorb into my blood stream, but they sure help push through the waste materials. I don’t have time or desire for a salad or anything normal.

Don’t judge me. 80% of the world’s multi-vitamins are produced in unregulated Chinese factories. They use petro-chemicals and hyper-pressure technology to create a convenient substitute for broccoli. The body can’t really break it down, but it might absorb a vitamin or two now and then.

This is good, because I’m not really into cooking.

A sleeping broom is a sweeping broom

Sometimes late at night, just before bed, I’ll plop down on the couch and I’ll nurture myself with instant comfort food: steak, cheddar soup, corn chips, tamales, corn tortillas, nachos, marshmallows, and anything made out of bleached, enriched white flour and sugar. I’ll eat in huge bites, without chewing. But in a good way.

I don’t worry about proper vitamins or minerals. I don’t worry about it rotting in my gut, rendered immobile by its lack of fiber. I’m satisfied knowing my multi-vitamins will drag out this sludge while I’m resting.

The means justifies the rear-end

The first time I was aware that I’d be better off with a water-dissolvable, liquid multi-vitamin, was when I took my morning dose without enough breakfast. I could feel the vitamins burning in my stomach.

The next time I realized that there was a problem was when I got a job cleaning out porta-potties for the annual GNC convention. At the bottoms of those crappers there would always be a layer of partially dissolved vitamin pellets.

Instead of switching to a liquid vitamin, I turned the problem into a solution. I bought bulk loads of super-cheap multi-vitamins, made in China by prison labor and child labor, or maybe even children prisoners. And I feel good about it because this is now my daily fiber.

Comfort food, or acid buffer?

You might ask, but Larry, doesn’t that burn your stomach too? No, it does not. I’m always sure to take my vitamins with 8 ounces of distilled water and 2 to 4 servings of mashed potatoes, French fries or potato chips.

I figure a little of each pill will seep into my blood, and the rest of it will help me have healthier yet more gluttonous intestinal life.

Photo credit: sustainable sanitation/flickr

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Defend your space while waiting for yoga class to begin.

Karma Lampoon has reached post number 100! To celebrate I’m listing the top 100 posts of all time!

You got it, these aren’t just the top articles and videos, these are all of them. I’m adding a few notes on the inspiration and various backstories. They are listed in descending order, beginning with the most hits.

1. 10 Ways To Non-Awkwardly Wait For Yoga Class To Start A super fun article to write, based on things I’ve seen while managing a yoga studio, and stories from my yoga teacher wife.  I attribute much of the success of this article to having been linked on Yoga Rants and Raves. This photo is intricate, as I’d just learned how to work with layers in photoshop.

2. Banning My Traditional Ninja Outfit Is Religious Persecution  This gets a lot of hits from people randomly googling comedy articles that compare burqas to ninja outfits. Also, it was linked on nrp.org

3. Monsanto Joins Facebook Farmville, Devastates Neighbors. The sudden idea was too ridiculous to ignore. Monsanto is horrible. The article’s popularity is because of  a retweet from @GMWatch (gmwatch.org)

4. Bikram and Chair Yoga Combine to Form Hot Office Yoga. I got a short term job where there are cubicles. It was hot, and I wanted to stretch. This article was born and its success is  due to the kind reposting  on YogaDork.com.

Hot office yoga. Burn more calories easier.

5. Company Spearheads Wellness Breaks For Non-Smokers. You ever wonder if smokers are getting more breaks and ironically, more fresh air? Not in this article.

Above: A martial artist enjoys his wellness break with cigarette smokers .

6. Reverse Psychology Word Magnets. This was just a fake ad. I have no idea how it got 700 hits. Probably people who sell actual word magnets don’t have any real web-presence. They keep finding me. I’m going to start selling magnets!

7. This Pit Bull Just Isn’t Naturally Lowering My Blood Pressure People keep finding this article after doing google searches for whether or not violent dogs still have therapeutic affects on sufferers of high blood pressure. If you build it they will come.

8. Octo-Kali Ma: ‘Powerfully Unnecessary Symbol’ A little pop-culture thrown into the fray. People who stumble upon this post usually searched for info on Kali-Ma and then saw it was really just making fun of Nadya Suleman. This probably just reaffirmed their commitment to spirituality upon reading about the opposite.

Octo-Kali Ma, a quick rising symbol of parasitic excess energy

9. Credits, Video, Stand-up Comedy, Resume, Bio, Press Kit, Calendar. JebCadwell.com was in a state of transition and so I was sending my bookers and agents to this link. JebCadwell.com is actually merged with KarmaLampoon.com, but soon enough I’ll separate them out at the home page and have a different blog stream for more autobiographical stories and stand-up videos.

10. 6 Ways To Unobtrusively Exit For The Bathroom During Yoga Class.People love lists!

11. Thanks To This Pup Tent Sweat Lodge, I Am A Virgin Again!  This is a true story with very little embellishment. I went to Prescott College in AZ. During a class called “Transpersonal Psychology in the Wilderness” we camped in the desert for a month. At the end of it, one of my classmates went in the direction of this article. Then I also later lived in Plainfield, VT, where I pulled upon some other characters.

12. I Religiously Read About Meditation Two Hours Per Day. This is the most subjectively autobiographical of the postings so far in this list. I go through phases where I meditate for two hours per day, and then I go through phases where I feel like I should meditate for that long, but I cheese out and just read about it instead. Oh the peaks and valleys of the middle path!

13. Dr.Atkins to Reincarnate As Cow, Pig, Chicken, Fish I’m so surprised nobody else wrote this one first. I’m always thinking about the karmic repercussions of harming another animal. In Buddhist literature it is written that there are always karmic effects from encouraging others to do the actually harm. How can not everyone wonder about Dr.Aktins with this in mind!

14. Social Anxiety Medication Gives Conspiracy Theorist Trust In Government, Diarrhea. This is just the product of a logical mind. Of course this would happen.

15. Dreadlock Clogs Drain. ONE OF MY FAVORITE ARTICLES. It includes a recurring character based on a fairly famous traveling yogi and a bunch of people left over from Dead tour.

16. Yoga Journal Runs Out Of Front Cover Ideas. This was one of the very first ideas I had for Karma Lampoon, years before I before I got it going. I was working at a yoga studio, stocking Yoga Journals. Originally I was going to call Karma Lampoon, “The Windy Drishti”.

17. Point/Counterpoint: A Buddhist Monk vs Mitch Borkowski. Mitch is one of the funniest guys I know. Buddhist says that sentient beings have no permanent soul. Mitch says that Steely Dan has no soul. From a real conversation at Threadless.

When teachers tweet during class, it shows students that it is okay for them to check twitter.

18. Monsanto To Induct New CFO, Vice-President During Black Mass For The Dark Lord. I cannot stand Monsanto.

19. Yoga teacher continually promotes next event while teaching current event. Like almost all of these stories, this is based on someone I know, and someone we all know. It’s cool that this made it into the top 20% of overall page visits, as I just wrote it two weeks ago.

20. My Spirit Animal Is The Dolphin Due to My Prehensile Penis. This comes directly from a longer series of spirit animal jokes my friend Nick and I used to make together, and then me later in my stand-up.

21. Advice Time With An Agitated Meditator. I wrote this a couple of years before I published it. I like the character a ton. Time to bring him back!

22. Five Simple Ways To Get Return Yoga Students. On second thought, don’t do these things.

23. Stuttering Yoga Teacher Leads 3.5 Hour Primary Series Class. Also one of the first Karma Lampoon articles I wrote, a couple years before publishing it.

24. Ant-Farm Becomes Metaphor For Life, Ends in Depressing Death Pile. I felt this in my soul while working at Threadless. Jeff won this green chemical ant farm but state law prohibited the shipping of fertile females. Ironically, while writing the article my laptop actually got infested with tiny ants. I had to stop eating at my desk.

25. United Nations Welcomes New Ambassador of Lululemon. Ambassador.

26. Yoga-Matic Instant Teacher Certification Programs. Get it quickly!

27. Self-Denying Ascetics Adopt Middle-Path With Snuggies. Mendicant monks. Blankets with sleeves.

Self-denying mystics enjoying the middle path

28. Obama Ends Birth Certificate Debate With Rebirthing Therapy

29. As A Cigar Smoker I Relate To The Persecution Of Nag Champa Users. Some people are too sensitive!

30. Monsanto: New Solutions To Old Monarch Butterfly Problems. The idea for this sarcastic and informative post came a year before I moved from Vermont to Chicago and began studies with Second City. I wrote it first as a stand-up joke, and then as a radio piece.. I think Tom Stearns of High Mowing Seeds first informed me about the evils of Monsanto.

31. I’m sorry you feel that I’m not really apologizing.Was trying to see how many different ways I could mimic the self-serving non-apology.

32. Study Shows Personal Transformation Most Effective After Keg Party, Midnight. 

33. Oh No! I Overmeditated Before My Aggressive Board Meeting. One of my favorites.

34. My Baseball Analogy For Life Stops When Our Bullpen Warms Up With Less Than A Two Run Lead.

President Obama shortly after being rebirthed.

35. Five Heavy-Handed Ways To Overcome Resistance To Meditation. I’m pretty stern myself at times. Good thing I don’t have a meditation lock-box.

36. Solar Powered Full-Spectrum Lights Fail To Relieve Seasonal Affective Disorder. Smaaaaart.

37. Yoga Student Passive-Aggressively Decides Not To Practice Yoga.This guy! We’ve all met him. When he does practice he doesn’t follow along with class, does his own thing and gets hurt and then blames it on the teacher.

38. Half Prodigal Son Hits Bottom, Fails To Return Home. People take it for granted that folks like myself return home. Sometimes we don’t.

39. I Don’t Know Anything About It, Or Practice It, But I’m A Wiccan Or A Pagan. I know a hundred people who could’ve been the main character in this story. Good people, great improvisors.

40. I Believe in Cosmic Energy, and I’m a Conservative Republican. One of my teachers at Liberation Yoga said something in class about energy being energy, not differentiating between Democrat or Republican, Catholic versus Hindu. This article was born.

41. Ear Candles Ruin Birthday Cake. It was my birthday and we didn’t have regular candles for my cake. So we used ear candles, and they sucked the frosting right up into the vacuum created by the flame. I’m kidding. That would be so stupid. This is easily one of my top 5 favorites.

42. Digitally Assisted Creative-Visualization: Your Headset to Happiness. Big fan of lampooning laziness or hedonism mixed with actual desire for change. An early article, back when they were all way too long.

43. My Body Is Only Borrowed Energy, A Lot Of It. This is my favorite article  of all of them. It isn’t the smartest, or the punchiest, but it comes up in my head daily as I contemplate the formation of matter from cosmic energy.

44. Six Over-Used Tips To Transform Your Life.

45. My Spirit Animal Is The SUV.

46. Twenty Ways To Know When To Change Your Spiritual Practice. When the going gets tough…

47. Psst. Hey. Psst. I Only Joined This Silent Retreat To Meet People For My Network Marketing Business. This is a true encounter. And I’ve been to silent retreats just like that. But this encounter took place at a call center job in real life.

48. Life Coach With Boring Life Views Everything As A Turning Point. Here is a recurring character, Ethel Farbstein. Based on someone I knew when I lived in southwest Colorado.

49. I’m A Total Renunciate, Except For These Knick-knacks.  You have to read this one to believe it.

50. The New-Age Journalism Synonym Drought Sketch. From a Sketch Comedy show I co-wrote. In this scene the journalist tries to say the same thing over and over but in different words. It is great acting from Katrina. It spoofs writers for Yoga magazines, specifically Yoga Chicago. Hilarious.

51. As A Spiritual Icon, You Should House Me and My Family. Another one of my favorites. A spiritual gigolo, this guy. And he’s real. Same character as in the “Dreadlock Clogs Drain” article.

52. Intense Secrecy, Shame Surround Area Fifty-One-And-A-Half. I had a childhood friend whose parents owned  very narrow cottage in beach town Hampton, NH. Its street number was a 1/2 digit.  It seemed the neighbors had subdivided their property, selling off the driveway. They weren’t white trash, but they served as the inspiration for this story. That, and Coast to Coast, AM radio.

Area 51 and a half. An sub-dividing embarrassment.

53. Karma Lampoon Newsletter 2010. Not exactly satire or comedy. But it is comedy and totally cool.

54.  Ethical Treatment of Animals Would Be Easier Without Zucchini. I thought this, myself, while not enjoying a few different occasions of vegetarian burritos at Mexican restaurants.

55. Avoiding Spiritual Gigolos. There are lots of guys like this. Different varieties, including Anandavon Bhagamon from a few other articles, including  As A Spiritual Icon, You Should House Me and My Family. I mostly based this article off of two different New Age hustlers I met in Sedona, AZ.

56. Do Animals Take After Their Countries. Is the invasion of harmful Chinese plants and animals similar to China’s invasion of Tibet?

57. From The Editor: September Newletter. Newsletters are great, especially when they are followed by more newsletters. Otherwise, they are not fertile sources of news, they are desert islands of brief extroversion.

58. Don’t Judge Your Guru By The Eye Patch: Pirate Doppleganger. Light humor, but one of my more clever stories. Based on a story with different examples by S.N. Goenka.

59. When I’m Thinking of Someone and the Phone Rings, it’s That Person, a Bill Collector.

60. Government Sponsors Acupuncture For Trypanophobia, Fear of Needles. In retrospect this should’ve been two different articles. Right now it has two different subjects. Should’ve been one about the government sponsoring a health clinic that forces various forms of therapy as torture,  and the other about a new form of acupuncture just for people whom are afraid of needles. Similar, but different. It still may happen.

61.  I Hope This Espresso Will Speed Up My Homeopathic Medicine. Note: caffeine cancels out homeopathic medicine.

62. Dropped Psychic Connection Ruins Channeled Conversation.

63. Stand-up Comedy: Definitions of Spirituality. I performed 400 shows in under 10 months. This final set included various jokes about how we all have different definitions of spirituality. This is a video of that.

64. Rising Signs Switched At Birth. Awesome.

65. Hieroglyphs Reveal Mayan Calendar Maker Was “Milking It For Overtime”.

66. The Yoga Intervention Sketch.  Video from The Yoga Show: Wealth and Hellness.

67. Bodhisattva: I Am Just Having The Worst Life Ever!

68. Dream Analyst Rents Interpretation Space To Advertisers.

69. Green Party Splits, Becomes Blue and Yellow Parties.

70. Metric-Using 12-Step Group Converts to 30.48 Steps.

71. “Awakened” Yogi Loses Ego, Sense of Humor, Friends. In so many ways this was me, but I wasn’t a jerk about it. Sometimes I’m still on a “militant schedule,” but now I’m a jerk about it. This especially reminds me of me when I lived  in Colorado with my buddies Aaron, Nick and Seth back in 2000.

72. Point/Counterpoint: A Health Advocate vs A Buddhist Monk. They really go at it.

73. Present Moment Awareness Seminar Not As Good As Last Year.

74. Dionysus: Nobody Really Parties Anymore.

75. Chupacabra? More Like, “Chupa Nickname”. Your nickname sucks.

Yoga Journal runs out of front cover ideas.

76. Wow! Someone’s Really Talking About Me! Or I Have Tinnitus. I wrote this one in Madison, in a coffee house while waiting for my stand-up gig to start.

77. Interview on Podcast: Allen and Jackson Love America.  Good people. Great Progressive Politics Podcast.

78. Point/Counterpoint: A Pro-Lifer vs. A Buddhist Monk . Is life sacred, or is life suffering?

79. The Pontius Pilates Method. Probably the second or third thing I ever did that ended up in this list.

80. The Skipping Instructional Yoga CD Sketch. Loved doing this show. Part of The Yoga Show: Wealth and Hellness.

81. Holistic Wellness Blogger Gets Pissed At Plug-in, Widget. Ok. I got pissed. But then I immediately focused it into this entry.

82. Male to Left of Hottie Looking Forward to Prasarita Padottanasana. You gotta know the reference. Or read the article.

83. Point/Counterpoint: Rumi vs Mo’ Litter’ Doggy. I forgot about this one till now! A total spoof on everlasting unconditional love and rapper wars.

84. Buddha Would Have Had More Success With A Noble 5-Fold Path. Less is more.

Street gangs harass a local color therapy patient. She wears red, the color of the root chakra. This is perceived as a sign that she is looking to fight a turf war.

85. Color Therapist to Street Gangs: This is Not a Turf War. Don’t be fooled by the low hit ranking. If I had a top 10, this would be included.

86. After Careful Consideration, Yoga Teacher Recommends Yoga.

87. The Community Mat Song. Video.

88. The Inter-Certified School of Certification: Certification Program. They’re all inbred!

89. India Lies Within Indiana!

90. Introducing: Have-A-Heart Listerine. Came up with this idea while working at YMCA camp in AZ during college. Obviously it stuck.

91. Past Life Recollection Creates Fiscal Nightmare.  I think of this concept all the time. What if…

92. Buy It Now! One-Click Spiritual Names. I took a White Tantric Yoga workshop, and they had forms to fill out to request a spiritual name. That is what inspired this little advertisement.

93. The Whey of The Peaceful Warrior.

94. Left Side Bodywork Specialist Advertisement.

95. The Elation Corporation: Life Scripter. Scripted Living For A Healthier Tomorrow.

96. Fast and Easy One Bead Rosary Movement. Wrote this one 8 years ago, long before I knew what for.

97. Macho, Yet Sensitive and Germaphobic in Iowa. Random video log from the road. Travel health tips.

98. Sole Student Taught At. Verbatim.

99. Man Getting Massage Keeps Waiting For Om CD To Get To The Bridge. 

100. Karma Lampoon’s top 100 comedy posts about yoga, spirituality, health and wellness, the environment and things they talk about on Coast-to-Coast Radio

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Photo: Maura Jane will remove sunglasses upon request to increase rapport while apologizing

By Maura Jane

Are you done brooding? Oh, good, because I’m here to help you make amends with me.

The problem here is not what I did to originally upset you. I can’t help if my advanced personality causes that reaction, so I’m going out of my way here to make things better.

So to be on the same page: You are now upset because you think my apology was not genuine.

I want to be the better person by telling you that I’m 100% wholeheartedly sorry that you choose to react defensively to my apology.

It’s my fault that I haven’t told you that the problem lies within you

I’m practicing the virtue of humility for the sake of our friendship because you aren’t. But don’t worry, that’s not your fault. It was your upbringing.

You say your bad mood is because of me. Please, look into my eyes.  If you can see through my sunglasses so you’ll see I acknowledge that I inspired you to be in touch with your inner pain that was already there.

My spirit animal is the scapegoat

What? Now I’m being passive aggressive? Please excuse me for being a perfect scapegoat for you to project that image upon me. I have that effect.

If any thing in life annoys you, it is time to look within yourself to see what part mirrors the annoyance. I feel really good about you, and when I look within myself, I see it is because I feel really good about myself. What does that say about you not feeling good about me?

I’m glad you can use me as a symbol to work out your emotional problems. I mean, isn’t that what friends are for? I’m truly here for your lessons in anger.

What? This new repentance is too vague? I’m sorry you feel that way too.

Photo credit: flickr/creative commons: rightee

If you enjoy this comedy satire about personal development, share it with your inadequate friends!

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Liz Reeves demonstrates trikonasana while promoting a workshop and using a second iPad with gotomypc.com to visit her home computer.

Santa Monica – Liz “Visualization” Reeves talks about present moment awareness in weekly yoga classes and dozens of retreats while simultaneously tweeting that she is looking forward to her next class or workshop elsewhere.

Her approach is widely considered the logical use of an extraordinary mind with a need to micro-blog.

“Just because we are connecting with the inner spirit doesn’t mean that we have to disconnect from social media,” said Liz in a phone interview with Karma Lampoon between questions of a Skype interview she was doing with Santa Monica Weekly while her yoga students were laying in a restorative pose.

“I just love teaching slow restful classes, so I have time to tell Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Digg, and Wikipedia that I’m doing something important but I’d rather be elsewhere as well.”

During the course of this short interview Reeves tweeted twice that she couldn’t wait to do a different interview next week, for a different blog.

Positives, like texting

In some cases, Reeves’ unusual approach has opened the minds of her students.

“The first time I was aware that she was tweeting during class I thought she was on her iPod, just finding the next song. But I saw later on Twitter she was writing, ‘Can’t wait for tomorrow,’” said student Linny Northrush. “At first I was bothered, because she had just said, ‘Bring your mind to the here and now.’”

Northrush remains a faithful student. “I’ve learned to focus on her positives, like teaching me supta baddha konasa and that it’s ok to text during class.”

Above: A student can't wait until after class to read her teacher's mid-Om status update.

I’m OK, you’re, Oh…busy

Other students, such as Jerry Mateo find it hard to accept that Reeves’ double tasking is an efficient use of a mind with too much focus-power.

“As a former student, I found some of her sequencing jolting, she’d skipped a counter-pose or the left-side of the sequence,” said Mateo. “She was friendly so I probably would still take her class but they took it off the schedule because she was gone all the time for retreats.”

Headstanding up for herself

When asked to comment on the negativity, Liz “Visualization” Reeves explained, “I have an extra-developed ability to focus on small details, like spelling while making sure students don’t get hurt falling out of headstand.”

After a short pause to Skype chat with Santa Monica Weekly, Reeves concluded, “Just because our breathing takes place in the present moment doesn’t mean we can’t think of our breathing in May during my Yoga In The Redwoods Retreat. You should go! I’ll be teaching backbends and promoting my late May Costa Rica retreat.”

Thanks for reading this satire. Please pass on the yoga comedy to your friends! 

Photo Credit: flickr/lululemon athletica and tachyondecay

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The cleverly tattooed Wiccan Pagan, socially embattled, but dressed nicely for Radio Shack.

By Moonman Maeven Raven (Carl Smithson)

This is something I feel in my loins, wherever they are. I especially feel it during the full moon, after it’s fully waned.  I’m either a Wiccan or a Pagan. I’m not sure the difference. To tell you the truth, I’m probably both. Yeah, I’m both.

From what I can tell, being a Pagan or a Wiccan means I’m connected to the earth and my face is very tattooed and pierced. Yeah, that’s what it definitely means, and also doing or feeling mystic things. Like how to shape-shift or practice the astral art of lurid dreaming.  Or banishing enemies with spells.

The Pagan Inquisition

My enemies are my co-workers at Radio Shack. They belittle my religion despite my best efforts to dress nicely. Yet I never make negative comments when they have ashes on their foreheads. Especially on Ash Wednesday.

Unfortunately, there’s a scarcity of Pagans and Wiccans here in the suburbs of Dayton, Ohio, mainly because I think King Arthur’s lineage didn’t really pass that on after Lancelot broke up his marriage with Queen Arthur.

So…and then the Christians decorated trees on what used to be called the Winter Equinox. That’s why it’s called X-mass. Catholics let groves grow over our old Wiccan stone churches. And everyone knows rabbits like groves.  Get it, Easter Bunny? It’s all a farce.

I’ll be fair. It isn’t my place to judge the Judeo-Christians. I come from Judeo-Christian lineage. My dad is Jewish, and my mom is Christian. These types don’t understand me, and I don’t understand them. Also, I don’t really understand myself.

Mayans, Flyers and Prayers, Oh my!

I don’t know any rites, or rituals, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to sacrifice my first born, or eat a goat’s liver under a full moon. Maybe. I’m trying to figure out the details by listening to the radio. That’s one of the perks about my job:  I get good prices on radios.

Anyway, I don’t know what my earth spirituality requires of me, but I do know that it should be treated with the same respect that I give to inferior, fabricated book-based religions.

An Ankh, also known as an Onyx. This 8th Century Celtic symbol was borrowed by the ancient Egyptians. Aliens use this symbol in crop circles, stone carvings and very often China makes earrings out of it.

Christians like my mom give due respect to Jews like my dad. She knows that the Old Testament of her Christian bible was borrowed from a Hebrew holy book. But the Jewish don’t call their book the “Old Testament.” No, they just call it, “The Testament.”

I also believe in the Mayan prophesies, like, Carlos Castaneda and what they’re doing down in Area 51 and a half.  The aliens actually created the old Pagan castle, Stonehenge. Yeah, that’s right. They did it using cheap Mexican labor, in those days called, “Mayans.”

Symbols that symbolize the actual thing

The easiest way to become a Pagan in suburban America is to get a Wiccan symbol.

There are a couple different symbols that I really resonate with.  One of them is called an Onyx, or maybe an Ankh. It’s just like a crucifix, except there’s a loop at the top and there is no Jesus. For most people it symbolizes eternal life. But for me it’s greater than that.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I crafted a legless stick puppet out of popsicle sticks. It looked like an Ankh-thingy. Ok, I admit it: it actually was an Ankh that I stole from my counselor. I told everyone that I made it. So every time I see an Ankh, or Onyx, I always think of the one I allegedly “crafted”.

Make use of such powerful symbolism in your life, and you will be wise like me.

Oh no, I’ve got to go man, Coast-to-Coast with George Noory is coming on the radio!

 Photo credits: Russian_freak (flickr) and vacuumboy9 and benjamin_and_daddy

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Behind this mysterious cottage is an even more mysterious yet dilapidated garage. Inside that garage: a podcast studio. In that studio: Talent.

Greetings readers,

Below you will find a handy link to a 30 minute (or so) Podcast of which I took part. The show is called Allan and Jackson Love America. The show in itself is humorous, and in part, satirical.

In the interest of promoting this wonderful show, I’m linking it here. Of course it is a collaboration, so the tone and theme of it is way different than most Karma Lampoon posts. It was a huge honor to be on this podcast.

Listen: Episode 7 of Allan and Jackson Love America, with guest Jeb Cadwell

Here is the home page for the podcast, the blog, and all the other smart stuff:  www.allanandjacksonloveamerica.com

I was invited to sit in on part of a show, but when host Jackson took ill, I was upgraded to co-host. (But then the show-length was downgraded to 1/2 length…hmmm). The stand-up comic in me then took at least part of the show into a more potty-humor direction than it normally would’ve gone. (Howard Stern influence).

The interview contains an interview with some of my jokey-jokes from my road set. It’s obvious when that part comes. But also, I tell some true stories that I’ve never told on any interview.

For the record, I’m not a fan of Rush Limbaugh nor the late Andrew Breitbart, but I don’t actually wish ill on either of their souls.

Thanks for listening!

Jeb Cadwell

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Technorati Tags: karma, podcast, political, Satire

A manifesto cake was prepared for the new Ambassador. She will burn off these calories probably jogging home from the UN Building.

(DISSOCIATED PRESS)  – While tensions are high among various member states of the United Nations, the General Assembly has taken a positive step by welcoming a new official Ambassador of Lululemon, Tanya Burke.

Lululemon Athletica, a British Columbia producer of yoga clothes and running gear, has created a strong network of yoga teachers and athletic sponsors. One of which recently vaulted to the center of world politics due to her lofty title of Ambassador.

“I feel that the introduction of Tanya will help us reduce diplomatic roadblocks while improving flexibility and stamina,” said Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, “She’s not your normal walking billboard for spandex. She’s a clothing rep with a holistic perspective on goal fulfillment.”

Iran, Pakistan and North Korea, all of whom are increasingly hostile toward the US and her allies, are now armed with nuclear technology. Recent summits to discuss solutions have left the weary Government Ambassadors out of touch with their body/mind/spirit connection.

“All the better timing to bring Yogic to the podium,”  said Ki-moon.

When asked to comment on the very real threat of nuclear war, Ambassador Burke said, “It scares me. And in a way that’s good, because the Lululemon Manifesto says to, “Do a thing a day that scares you.”

Ambassador Burke relaxes near the UN Building indoor pool with her handy manifesto bag close at hand, filled with aloe probably.

Putting the manifest back into Manifesto

The Lululemon Manifesto, as depicted on the website reads less like a mission statement, and more like a multi-directional list of aphorisms in varying fonts. This starkly contrasts with the mission statement of the United Nations.

“For one, the UN’s goal has sentence structure. For two, our goal is to maintain international peace and security, and to promote social progress,” said Ki-moon, “And that’s way different than the Lululemon tenet with the largest font, ‘DANCE, SING, FLOSS, TRAVEL.’ Most of us here only do the last two.”

New Foreign Policies, New Wardrobes

Now that Lululemon and its embodiment, Ambassador Tanya Burke, have stepped into the center of world politics the Council is hopeful for a more holistic tomorrow.

“After all,” said Burke, “part of the UN mission statement is to promote better living standards for everyone, and what could be better than fully-wicking, preshrunk yoga clothes that feel like cotton yarn?”

In parting, Burke offered one last piece of Manifesto-based wisdom: “In times of war, famine and genocide, SWEAT once a day to regenerate your skin”.

photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lululemonathletica/

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Above: A mayan calendar. Being round, they tend to make bad desk calendars, often rolling to the floor.

A recent archeological discovery reveals that the Mayan Calendar, which ends along with the world on December 21, 2012, is merely the result of a paid calendar maker getting suddenly fired for engraving way too far into the future.

“It may look like 2012 is the end of a great Mayan epoch,” said Scott Epps, Mesoamerican historian, “but it was really just the date the Calendar Maker had reached when the district manager visited and freaked out.”

According to newly discovered hieroglyphs in Belize, an engraver named Ab Kin Zoc (translated: Bob) was hired in 3144 BCE.  His task was to make a calendar for the 260 days of that year. Instead of stopping, he chiseled out another 5,156 years.

“There must have been a contractually vague area. They were an advanced, commercial-driven society. They had unions, and they had laws for getting paid overtime,” said Epps, “And he took advantage of this by cranking out over 5,000 unwanted glyphs.”

The Illusion of Importance

It would have taken Bob Zoc approximately 3 months to chisel so many calendar tiles in advance. The vast scope of this oversight created for Bob’s local supervisors, the illusion that he was more productive than he actually was. It also created the illusion that something conclusive is supposed to happen on December 21, 2012.

The prophesies about the end of the world would not be so common, had Ab Kin Zoc had an opportunity to etch, “To be continued”. But as it was, the calendar was only scarred with a rough symbol that stands for “Clearly milking it for overtime.”

 Thank you for reading this satire. If you love comedy like this, please tell your friends!

 Photo credit: Peta-de-Aztlan/flickr/creative commons

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Technorati Tags: Mayan calendar maker, Mayan prophecy, Mayan Spiritual Comedy, Mesoamerican historian mayan

The residents of Area 51.5 were unable to be captured on film. Sightings of them are as rare as actual alien sightings

DISSOCIATED PRESS – NEVADA: The CIA has long remained silent about its involvement with Extraterrestrial research at Area 51, the remote Top Secret Military Base. They have also kept tight-lipped about Area 51 and a half, the adjacent lot currently occupied by the Hendersons and their immobile trailer.

“Don’t get me wrong it’s a nice trailer, very shiny, quite like the UFO we found in the Roswell crash back in the 70s,” said alias Tom Craig, a military contractor who claims to have worked at Area 51, replicating alien technology. “But everyone is embarrassed to even drive by the place on the way home after work. Compared to our advanced weapons testing and reverse engineering of alien spacecrafts, well, the Hendersons are white trash.”

Originally, Area 51 was directly beside Area 52, a vast undeveloped commercial plot. However, given the current tough economic times CIA auditors mandated that the Pentagon liquefy some of its assets. In a property appraisal last April, it was determined that the 20-foot wide western border of area 51 would make a nice fit for a mobile home, owned by Larry Henderson, the property appraiser.

Conspiracy, or just a redneck negotiator?

“He told the Feds that this former driveway was worth $2,000, but he’d be willing to put down $400 and work the rest of it off, appraising property,” explained Craig, “So they let him move in. But if you ask me, I think Larry just sits in there all day long with his pale, similar-looking wife, drinking and home schooling their 3 cross-eyed children.”

For national security purposes, the names of the officials responsible for this unprofitable eyesore have remained confidential. Due to the shroud of mystery, conspiracy theorists are already speculating that the Hendersons are the unwanted results of Alien DNA experiments. To their credit, the Henderson children do have that semi-alien, semi-challenged look, only humanized by  tenacious cowlicks.

“I’m very familiar with that look, after all, I grew up in Alabama,“ said Craig, “I’m also familiar with broke rednecks subdividing their driveway, cramming in a trailer and slapping a ½ number on it, only to pay for like, court fees for domestic violence.”

Only The Beginning

Whereas Area 51 officials have kept an awkward silence about their new neighbors, the owners of Area 52 are more enthusiastic.

“Prior to the arrival of the Hendersons, Area 52 was slated to be a high-end trophy hunting range. But now that people like Larry moved in, we are considering building a Dollar Store, “ said an anonymous Area 52 attorney, “But in a better scenario, we’ll subdivide our own property and create an entire trailer park bordering a Wal-Mart.”

Phote credit: flickr creative commons: brittglow; cammo: linz_ellinas

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Technorati Tags: Area 51 conspiracy theory, CIA cover-up, comedy satire, roswell incident area 51, Top secret military base