Anxiety can make you feel trapped. Anxiety is draining with thoughts that overwhelm you. Other times anxiety makes you clammy, racing heart beat and light-headed. Anxiety can even feel like a heart attack. Anxiety is a bully that can throw you in a corner and can make you afraid to leave our world of comfort.

If you are a constant worrier or often get overwhelmed, look over this checklist and see what applies to you.

Do you have:

• Difficulties falling asleep
• Difficulties staying asleep
• Headaches
• Nauseous (feeling sick to your stomach)
• Shaky
• Nervousness
• Easily distracted
• Unable to focus
• Feeling edgy
• Easily upset
• Restless
• Fatigue

You should consider counseling if:

• You have ever felt like you were going to have a heart attack
• You have ever been so panicked you felt like you might faint
• You have had difficulties sleeping
• You are distracted from your daily activities or unable to enjoy your life

How Counseling Will Help

Counseling can help you overcome your anxiety and find other ways of processing your environment. We will explore relaxation tools for you to find peace and focus. We will discuss your irrational thoughts and attitudes that might contribute to your anxiety. Together we can find balance and coping skills to handle life’s uncertainty.

• We only fight when he/she is sleeping
• We fight but he/she can’t hear us
• We only fight when they are downstairs watching tv

Trust me, your kids know. It doesn’t matter if they don’t walk in on you fighting but maybe they still see you cry or maybe you both storm away and the slam the doors behind you. Kids and teens notice and pick up on those things very quickly. Kids can sense tension in the house and when there is conflict.

The effects of fighting on your family

Your family creates the sense of stability your child needs to feel safe, happy and secure. If they know mom and dad are fighting, they sense tension, or if you bring them into the argument, you are stripping them of their feeling of stability and security. The lack of security they feel at home can translate into depression, anger, and/or problems at school. Even though you may be trying to do your best to not yell or fight in front of them, if you feel tension between you and your spouse I promise you your children feels it too.

When you do fight make sure you

• Don’t yell or scream
• Don’t make low-blow insults
• Don’t physically hurt each other or throw things
• Don’t pull your kid(s) into the argument. Leave your kids out of it and make sure you don’t make them pick sides
• Don’t threaten each other with:
  • You leaving
  • You hurting yourself or your spouse

How to Disagree

Disagreements and arguments are unavoidable but you can keep them safe and productive. When you or your spouse loses their cool nothing can be resolved and you both end up feeling hurt and vulnerable.

Try to keep your fights clean and productive:

• If you feel like you are about to lose it take three deep diaphragm breaths
• Take a time out
• If you feel like it might be a heated discussion make sure that the kids are outside playing, watching tv or listening to music or at a friend’s house
• Create fighting rules

If you notice fighting has increased in your home or if you notice mood changes in your child due to your fighting it might be a good time to consider counseling. Counseling provides extra support for your family and an outside perspective for solutions. Not all disagreements have to turn into a fight and children shouldn’t hear their parents yelling at each other.

I have been writing a lot about difficult kids, bullies and giving tips on what to try at home. I will be offering a new discussion group starting mid October on Wednesday nights.

This class will look at foster care and adoption kids, difficult children, behavioral patterns, parenting resources and advice.

Topics will include:

Brain Functioning and Trauma

• Parts of the brain their function
• “Fight or flight” response
• Behavioral issues

Abuse

• Trauma Abuse
• Behaviors
• Sexual Abuse
• Sex and Development
• Healthy Sexuality

Attachment styles

• Secure
• Ambivalent
• Avoidant
• Disorganized
• Attachment Trauma
• Behavioral Issues

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD)

• Prenatal Drug Exposure
• Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder
• Outcomes
• Behavior logging

Difficulties with the Disorder

• Primary Characteristics
• Secondary Characteristics

Your Child and Development

• Erick Erickson
• Stages of Development
• When Children get “Stuck”

Parenting

• Parent attachment
• Behavioral charting
• Parent coaching
• Triggers

Learning Objectives

Along with learning about how to work with hard to handle kids and common behavioral problems such as anger, tantrums, sibling rivalry, and discipline issues, learning objective include:

• Increasing secure attachments
• Understanding basic brain structures involved with:
  • Memory
  • Cognitive Development
  • Sensing and perceiving
  • Aggression
  • Executive Functioning
  • Behaviors associated with damage to those areas
• Understanding of Abuse, trauma and dissociation
  • Behaviors associated with trauma
  • Creating a safe and comforting environment at home
  • Attachment styles and attachment trauma
• Basic understanding of FASD and associated challenges
• Introduction to Erick Erickson and stages of development
• How to work with your child and their behavior issues
• Evaluating your own parenting and attachment style
• Learn how to use behavior/emotion tracking
• Learn how trauma and poor attachments can cause behavioral issues

If you have found any of my blogs to be helpful or you feel like you need a group of other parents to discuss trails with or if you just want a little more support this class is for you!

More information to come.

Questions? Contact me!

Anti Social

These kids are often found off in a corner doing their own thing. They don’t get along with their peers or maybe even their teachers. These kids can be mean and they know how to push your buttons. They consistently isolate themselves on purpose, disobey, can be hostile and self-centered.

Causes

• — Tough kids
• — Family difficulties
• — Trauma or abuse
• — Fear
• — Spoiled
• — Anger
• — Inconsistency with adults

Sometimes kids are just difficult. There is no way around it and there aren’t solutions. Other times family conflict or inconsistency with adults in their lives can contribute to anti-social behaviors. If the child has experienced trauma, abuse or is fearful, that can also cause a child to push away from others and lash out. If this describes your child here are ways to help:

• — Don’t dictate–give requests or options
• — Give minute warnings –“in 10 minutes we have to clean up now,” or “you have five minutes to finish up before we do something else.”
• — Create rules. Remind them of the rules. They made need lots of reminders but keep your cool.
• — Have reasons for the rules–you shouldn’t have to but sometimes it is needed
• — Don’t take it personally – when you take it personally and loose it they do too
• — Be consistent
• — Positively reinforce

Angry

These kids can have their good days and their bad days but they are continually angry at themselves, at you, or at other kids.

Causes

• — Low self-esteem
• — Issues at home
• — Modeled behavior
• — Divorce

Anger can be caused by so many things. Anger is usually a combination and overwhelming experience of other emotions. Anger is often the expression of anxiety, fear, low self-esteem as well as other emotions. Children can also be become angry due to divorice or separation of parents.

How to help

• — Don’t get angry back
• — Deep breathing exercises
• — Counting backwards
• — Positive reinforcement – catch them being good before they do something bad
• — Try to get them connected with what they are good at doing (refocus the energy)
• — Draw circles
• — Behavior chart

For more, read my post on Angry Children.

Unmotivated

These kids won’t complete anything. It doesn’t matter what kind of behavioral chart you have them on or special tasks you try to motivate them with. Nothing works.

Causes

• — Family conflict
• — Parents not engaged with the child and homework
• — Lack of discipline
• — Expectations too high or low
• — Fear of criticism
• — Low self-esteem
• — Unable to problem-solve

Children are rarely unmotivated for no reason at all. There is something else going on. It isn’t fun for children to be unmotivated, for parent’s to get upset with them for poor grades or not being able to finish their work. They also don’t like disappointing their teachers. One of the main solutions to helping a child through their lack of motivation is finding out why. Ways to help:

• — Accept them for who they are and where they are at
• — Encourage them, don’t nag
• — Help them set realistic goals
• — Model problem-solving
• — Give positive feedback for achievement
• — Create a reward system at home. Initiate feedback cards (color coded or Likert Scale works well for feedback).
• — Motivation at home (complete X amount = snack time, TV show, playing outside)
• — Create a learning contract with goals/objectives, list your child’s strengths and weaknesses and sign it.

Depressed

These kids are always solemn. They may smile and might have a good day here and there but you just know that deep down they are struggling. You can’t get them out of their shell and they’re hard to encourage.

Causes

• — Low self-esteem
• — Criticism at home
• — Family conflict or hardships
• — Issues at school or peers
• — Trauma or abuse
• — Chemical imbalance

It is hard to watch your child struggle with depression and it can be a long uphill battle. Every parent wants to see their child healthy and successful and depression takes a toll on every aspect of life. Lack of motivation, isolation from friends and family, and fatigue are common with depression and it can affect children of all ages. There is no age limit to depression. Beware that depression lasting longer than two weeks is a sign that they need help, and the longer depression goes without support the harder it is to overcome.

How to help

• — Give them something to look forward to
• — Get them excited about something
• — Positive feedback
• — Try to get them more involved in group activities or sports
• — Find ways for them to self express. Art, writing, pottery, etc
• — Create affirmation cards. Work together to create a list of all their positive qualities on index cards and review them on a daily basis.

Keep in mind that being angry, depressed, unmotivated and even anti-social isn’t easy for your child either. At times it is more frustrating and hurtful for them than it is for you. If you feel like you child or teen is struggling or you need parenting support, look into counseling. It can help.

How can some kids be so mean?

Bullies are consistently picking on others. They name-call and start fights. Bullies push their boundaries and feed off cues as well as their peers. Keep in mind bullies are just kids too. There are numerous causes for a child to be a bully:

• — Angry
• — Low self-esteem
• — Jealousy
• — Modeled behavior
• — Family conflict
• — Self-centered
• Or just plain old mean kids

Sometimes there are just “mean kids,” but more often than not bullies are struggling themselves.  Bullies can be angry. Anger is usually caused by fear, pain, anxiety and other emotions. It just happens that most the time anger is much easier to express. Other times when a child has low self-esteem they will find someone else to pick on so they feel better about themselves and so the attention is taken off of them and is put on someone else. Jealousy often causes children to pick on someone or maybe the child is self-centered and really can’t understand how their behavior is hurting others.

Lastly being a bully can be picked up from behavior they have seen at home. Children pick up on relationships and conflict more so than what adults give them credit for. If you say “he/she has never seen us fight or heard us yell,” your child still knows. Behavior is modeled and carried out. Family conflict also contributes to bullying behaviors. Children know stress, fighting, pain and it can be hard and confusing. They will deal with it one of the only ways they know, taking it to school and acting out with their peer group.

How to deal with a bullied child

If your child is being bullied take the time to listen. Talk to your child and teachers. If necessary take things to the school administration. Don’t minimize bullying. Something to keep in mind is that unfortunately some children make “easy” targets. If your child has difficulty picky up social cues he/she could potential be perceived as annoying, difficult or rude, just as an example. Children are usually the same at school as they are at home so if they do anything that gets on your nerves at home they are probably doing that at school as well. Usually that behavior alone can be justification for the bully and makes it easier for others to tease or your child. If this is the case, working with your child at home on correcting the behavior by reinforcing the positive behavior and giving positive affirmation can turn the “annoying” behavior around

What if my child is the bully?

If  your child is the bully they need someone to talk to. Listen and help them problem solve. Try to be understanding and not harsh but they need to understand what they’re doing hurts others. If your child is angry, following modeled behavior or is struggling to make sense of family conflict, it would be a good time to seek counseling.

Some of the usual concerns include:

• Who is in the class?
• Are the bullies going to be nice this year?
• Am I still going to be terrible at math?
• What will my teacher be like?
• What should I wear?

There can be sleep difficulties, increase edginess, mood swings and, depending on the age of your child, separation anxiety. It is also important to keep in mind that children who are already sensitive, have difficulties in school or have learning disorders may have a particularly difficult time with the transition.

To help with the back-to-school transition:

• Give your child at least one week to get used to their new sleeping schedule before school starts.
• Let them know their routine –maybe even write it on a note card or post it on the back of their door.
• As soon as possible start talking to your child about their new teacher and who he/she is
• If your child has a difficulties with a particular child in their class and this child is going to be in their class again let the teacher know.
• Talk to your child about bullying and the importance of talking to an adult about bullying in school.
• Peer pressure starts early so communicate that it is ok for them to be themselves.
• Get your child used to doing homework again (assign small math assignments or books to read)
• Stay positive – “I know that you are going to have an awesome year.”
• Review last year – what were some things your child can work on this year and what were some things that they did really well on last year?

 The Transition

Most teachers know it can take awhile for students to settle in and be comfortable. Keep in mind it takes approximately three weeks (give or take) for a child to create or break a habit, so give them time and be patient. If conflict does come up in the class room or if your child brings you “what if” situations, help them problem-solve. If their school stress or anxiety is more than usual talk to their teacher. If you notice anything out of the ordinary with your child after they come home from school and there is no reported reason for it, talk to someone at the school and look into counseling.

School is difficult between peer conflict, social groups, possible development of anxiety or depression, or maybe there was a discovery of a learning disorder, there are resources to help your child succeed and have a great school year!

What you might not know about adopted and foster care children

• Even if you or a loved one was adopted at birth there can still be intrapersonal conflict and issues surrounding their adoption.
• Children who have been in foster care have a high likelihood of suffering from some form of abuse:
  • Emotional
  • Psychological
  • Physical
  • Neglect
  • Sexual
• Intrapersonal conflict from adoption can affect the individual into late adulthood.
• Adoption affects the whole family. Not only the immediate family but also those in the extended family and within the community.
• Messages from the community or extended families can either enhance or hinder your adoption experience.

There are numerous factors that can play a considerable role in whether or not an adoption is successful and if the child is able to transition well through the stages of development.

These are just a few items that can have a huge impact on the successfulness of your adoption or your own intrapersonal struggles:

Core issues in development

• Feelings of grief and loss
• Attachment issues
• Rejection
• Guilt and shame
• Identity
• Intimacy
• Mastery and control

Kinship adoption

• Conflict with the family
• Divided loyalties of the child
• Boundaries

Trauma

• Effects on the brain
• Influences behavior
• Interpreting the behavior
• Managing the behaviors

Dissociation

• Causes
• Connecting in the present
• Trauma
• Creating safety in your home

Attachment

• Reactive Attachment Disorder
• Creating at attachment
• Bonding as a family

If you have noticed any of these factors playing a role in your family, or you have concerns about an adoption, or want to help bring your family closer together, you may want to consider counseling. If you are an adult still struggling with your adoption or feelings or guilt and loss, it is normal and I would be honored by an opportunity to help you. As a counselor it is my goal is to support you, your family, and children.

Without fail, the TV show mentions every episode that the memory is not in the object. People can:

1. Fill emotional voids with shopping or “the great hunt” for the perfect item or buying unnecessary stuff just because it’s on a super sale.
2. Keep items and not able to donate/discard items because of an emotional attachment or memory associated with it.

Filling Voids

People can feel like they need to fill voids for numerous reasons:

1. Grief: losing someone they care about and not being able to move on
2. Lack of resources as a child: they never had much growing up and compensate in adulthood
3. No emotional connection: growing up they never had anyone to attach to or someone to relate to them on an emotional level.

Keeping Stuff

Usually we keep things because they serve a purpose, have meaning or have value. Sometimes it can be hard discarding things because:

1. We think that they may have a use in the future:”eventually I will use this.”
2. Someone we cared about gave the item(s) to them
3. The item(s) are associated with a positive or joyful memory or a person (see my post about Buttons).

In my process of discarding (mainly donating items) I would ask myself several questions:

1. How long ago was the last time I used this?
2. Is it still in good condition (does it have holes? Is it broken in any way)?
3. How much does the item mean to me?

We all have things that are of value that we can’t bring ourselves to let go of because of a memory associated with it or because of the person who gave it to us. If you are realizing that you are holding on to things because you are still grieving, shopping to fill a void due to lack of emotional connection or because the memory connection is so strong, it would be a good time to seek counseling.

And if you just need a bit of encouragement to declutter, check out Hoarders on Netflix ;)

As a counselor I understand the importance of stress relief and relaxation. Our society makes it hard because it’s always pushing us to go go go. We even forget how to take a good deep breath.  Stress takes a toll on our bodies: it’s related to numerous health concerns. When we are stressed and don’t take a break we are unable to function at our full capacity.

Make time to relax and breathe

If you say “are you kidding? I don’t have time for that:”

• Write a list during the day of all the things you have to do and all the activities you don’t have to do but you take on anyways
• Think through the day: was there anything you agreed to do but don’t have the time?
• Did you agree to do anything only to regret it later?
• Organize your day: how are you the most productive?

Once you have the time:

• Do what fills you up: If you have hobbies or things you like to do, try to include them in a daily or weekly routine
• Get out: go for walks, get a leisurely coffee or tea
• Have something to look forward to: make future plans to help get you through it all.
• Get sleep: 7- 8 hours a day makes a huge difference

Relaxation Exercises

If you find that you still lack the time or there are certain moments in the day when your stress spikes or you find you can’t sleep at night because you can’t shut your brain off, try these relaxation exercises:

Locked Trunk Exercise

Find a quiet space in your house and practice doing some deep breathing from you diaphragm. Imagine that you are in a room and in the corner of the room there is a locked chest and you are the only one with the key. Walk over to the imaginary chest, open it and  pull out a huge blanket. Lay the blanket out and imagine that you are putting all of your stress and anxieties on the blanket. Now imagine folding it up, putting it in the trunk, closing the lid, locking it and walking away.

Visual Relaxation

Imagine your favorite peaceful space. Maybe it’s the ocean, a favorite room in your house, or your backyard. Imagine all of your worries and cares floating away. You are in your favorite spot and nothing else matters. Take a few deep breaths and imagine what the surroundings are. Maybe you are by the ocean and the water is a glittering blue and green. Take about three more deep breaths and start thinking about what you would hear, like waves crashing onto the sand. Next think about what you might feel. Do you feel the sun on your face, sand under your feet? What else are you experiencing? Sit there in your favorite place as long as you need.

Press your palms together (muscle relaxation)

Press your palms together and imagine pushing the stress and the anxiety in-between your hands when you are arms get tried, imagine throwing away the stress and anxiety. Shake it out (do not try if you have shoulder or arm pain).

If you realize that stress may be an issue for you or you don’t know how to relax, you might find counseling helpful. Through setting boundaries, working on time management and possible control issues, you can learn to relax and breathe again!

• Client registration form
• Therapist Disclosure
• Confidentiality and Policy Statement
• Behavioral questionaries
• Financial Policy
• Parenting Plan (for divorce cases)
• Release of information (if child is over 13)
• Protection order (if applicable)

This paperwork should be brought in for the initial “intake” session where we meet with the parent(s) and discuss the situation. Counselors are held to a very high ethical standard and not being in accordance with State laws has serious consequences for our practice and reputation. These laws mean that certain paperwork needs to be filled out before we can see your child for counseling.

Parenting Plan

In divorce cases, we legally have to have the parenting plan before we meet with your child. If the parent plan states that you have joint custody and decision-making then we need to have the child’s other parent sign off on all the paper work as well.

Release of Information

If your child is over the age of 13 we need a release of information to be filled out and signed by your child before we can talk to you or anyone else. Usually it is a counselor’s preference to be able to speak with parents but legally your child (13 or older) has the right to keep any of his/her counseling information private. We take this very seriously, and if your child does not sign a release of information we will not answer any questions regarding their counseling sessions.

Thank you for keeping these items in mind when your planning for your child’s counseling. We understand that the paperwork can be a nuisance, but it is in place for the protection of you and your child’s safety and confidentiality of information.