Kat in New York

An Exercise in Autonomy

2011-07-08T02:27:00.000-07:00

Visiting Perouge was an exercise in autonomy for me, as I ventured to the medieval village alone using my limited French language skills. It meant navigating the national rail system. It has been years since I last traveled alone, and as such I had to make an effort memorizing the map of two neighboring villages, outside of Lyon, France. From the closed rail station in Meximieux, I walked 2km to the hilltop village. The scent of burnt sugar, cow manure and grass led a trail to the city gates. Children on field trips ran through the streets with chaperons beckoning them to investigate their surroundings. I wore the wrong sandals for the cobblestone lanes, but this minor detail didn't matter as I had unleashed something more important, the adventurer in me.

A night to remember at Fashion 4 Action

2010-11-20T13:49:00.000-08:00

I felt so flattered to be invited to the press preview for Fashion for Action at Housingworks in Chelsea on Thursday night. After two seasons of dealing with critical family health issues, a wave of lightness and anticipation washed over me for the first time in months. What makes for better guilt-free shopping than raising money to benefit people living with HIV/AIDS; I encourage my readers in NYC to visit the store before the sale ends on Monday.

The apparel, housewares, and displays are spectacular and reflect the amount of energy and commitment the community has for the efforts of Housingworks. Most noteworthy were the gracious volunteers - Marc, David and Michaela - who encouraged me to become a volunteer with transgendered youth, gave me an honest critique of the pieces I intended to purchase, and assisted me by personally trying on a Hugo Boss Orange military jacket that I eventually bought for Gavino.

As the flagship store filled up with Housingworks hordes of well-heeled members furiously searching for that special score, I had a sense of being part of a scene. Although I was preoccupied with taking photos and uploading them to my iPod Touch and posting to Twitter, I had a chance to shop and talk to some special folks.

While in a check out line that snaked through the store there was a celebratory feeling as strangers conversed with each other about their finds. There I met a long time survivor of HIV and others committed to issues affecting the lives of people living with HIV/AIDS. The men in line behind me selecting menswear openly solicited feedback from those of us around them. In this vein, I nearly purchased a Brooks Brothers black, pebbled leather over-sized clutch, until another woman who shopped with me for awhile suggested I follow her suit and put it back, after all she said, like an old friend, I rarely go out on the town at night.

Simultaneous Thought

2010-11-20T11:39:00.000-08:00

"Me and your mother raised you to be polite," was an obvious cue that the guy was a weekend custody dad having lunch with his tween daughter. He must have picked her up after her flute lesson. None of them wanted to be there together.

After making such a proclamation about his parenting skills, the guy, wearing white sneakers and high-waisted pants, made an aggressive stance when the waiter told him it was too late to change his order to french fries with his omlette. He looked like a skinny pitbull with crazy eyes, and later when he stood up to use the restroom, Gavino and I had the same intuitive thought to tell his daughter, "your dad's a jerk."

5-0 Radio Lite, a police scanner

2010-05-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

My new favorite iPod app is 5-0 Radio Lite, an international and domestic police radio scanner. Right now, I'm listening to communication between dispatchers and law enforcement at Precinct 42, the Bronx. At 3am, Newark, NJ, can be quite a captivating scanner location to listen to.

At the heart of it for me is story telling similar to what might have been found at the height of the radio era when families would hover around the radio console. The communication and descriptions of people, locations and activities swirl in my head, making for compelling visual theater. Theater, I might add, that is never really resolved in course of scanner communication. Ultimately, some of the narratives are left to the listener to conclude.

To date, the Police Departments of Las Vegas, LA and San Diego provide a different cultural context in which to consider social issues affecting those communities.

The site also has a Twitter account.

Sample Sale Frenzy

2010-05-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

Sample sales are a staple for New Yorkers looking for high end fashion at a reasonable cost. This may explain why bargain hunters standing in a long line at the entrance of the Steve Alan sample sale were willing to wait for a chance to squeeze through the tight racks of overpriced plaid shirts and dresses. Since handbags had to be checked in, I could only carry my wallet and phone (and a steely determination not to get caught up in the frenzy of $100 cotton frocks) as I surveyed the sale during my lunch hour. Hipsters, both male and female, however, stripped to their underwear before an alter of abandoned clothes at the back of the store just to take home the perfect fit.

The truth is I don't know how to integrate Steve Alan's plaids into my wardrobe and opted for the basement where more treasures were located instead. Paying for two linen scarves (fuchsia and silver at $10 each) in cash seemed like a confusing, novel transaction for the hurried cashiers so used to processing large credit card purchases. To this end, my beige frock (a failed experiment with no return online sales) was saved by a splash of color before mid-day.

Success with the Lose It app!

2010-05-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

After witnessing the success that a few colleagues have had losing weight using the Lose It app, I downloaded it to my IPod Touch.

Gavino decided it was time to join me, too.

It helps to do this as a team (even though it's unfair and I am at a disadvantage), as we have turned the process into a competitive game rather than a harsh form of food restriction.

After gaining two pounds during the first few days, I am on the right track. Gavino doesn't believe that I have dropped five pounds so quickly. I blame it on water weight. Now we have begun evaluating our love of eating cheese and crackers in a whole new light.

Lets Celebrate the Bad Mothers, too

2010-05-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

Under the pretenses of food shopping at Whole Foods this morning, I ventured into TJ Maxx. No sooner had I begun to pillage the designer section, did I run afoul. Middle-aged, upper-middle class moms were out early with their only children celebrating Mother's Day but mostly spending the time screaming at and coercing their kids. I imagined ten years earlier these moms full of the splendor of pregnancy after a successful in-vitro insemination. But now the exasperation had set in, and a decade later their lives are filled with ways of subduing the little monster darling.

Did they live with any regret about taking on parenthood? Is motherhood all that our popular culture makes it out to be?

After this assault on my senses, I tried on and then eventually plucked this pair of Stuart Weitzman pumps (found here at Nordstrom for a considerable amount more than what I paid) and then planted herbs and tomato seeds in a new ceramic pot.

Happy Mother's Day!

An addition to our family: baby iPad

2010-04-04T13:45:00.000-07:00

I never bought into the hype.

The Appleheads who camped outside of the Apple Stores around town, at most, amused me. Even when poor Applehead Greg Packer lost his place at the head of the line for failing to pre-order his unit, I dismissed any inkling to consume the novelty technology.

In fact, I proclaimed the 1st generation device needed to have its kinks worked out before investing in one. Namely, it lacks a multi-tasking feature, can't read Flash, and contains no built in camera. It functions more like a vessel for passive consumption than active production.

But then I touched it. The store on the Upper West Side had not run out of units, as previously reported, and the number of displays made it possible to test one.

The experience was a seamless merging of design elements, functionality and pleasure. Suddenly we were overcome by an atmospheric haze.

We took a cab home to hide our new bundle, a sweet dirty secret.

As we sat in the back seat of the cab, a small voice in my head said, "put on your seat belt." As I strapped on my belt and urged "Gavino" to do likewise, our cab was sideswiped by a limo car.

None of us were injured.

The magic shield of the iconic Apple protected us.

Latent Catholic guilt prevents "Gavino" from feeling complete abandon and awe in its presence. The cab accident was just another sign that he shouldn't have indulged in such gratuitous pleasures.

Though not entirely immune to the marketing of the brand, I take pleasure in my consumer habits, and welcome a potential future it promises.

So far, the device stands out for its speed, lightness, scale and killer apps (BBC, AP, and Yahoo).

Visiting Dad's Alma Mater

2010-03-21T19:47:00.001-07:00

This morning we visited my father's Alma Mater where he studied electrical engineering and played college baseball 55 years ago. It was an emotional trip for me. I imagined his arduous daily commute from Queens and his sense of alienation as one of only two non-Catholics among the student body. I felt a flood of deeply unexpected longing for my Father and a sense of loss as I walked the grounds where he attended school.

Icelandic Volcano / Bjork sighting

2010-03-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, an Icelandic volcano has erupted, causing an evacuation of people living in the vicinity.

Even more exciting, last week the singer Bjork walked into a SoHo restaurant where I was having lunch with "Gavino."

Bjork was wearing a doily crochet hat, purple knit tights, and a floral print jacket. Her childlike appearance has matured some with natural lines marking her countenance. She spoke to her company in Icelandic, the language of secrets.

I did all I could do not to stare.

Attempting suicide, an act of opportunity

2010-03-21T17:29:00.000-07:00

As a child, I made at least one trip with my family to the Empire State Building. Standing on the observation gallery, I gained more height and a better view stepping on my father's flexed foot. There, as I pressed against the railing, I felt a powerful impulse to jump. I was only five years old at the time. No such suicidal ideations had previously plagued my consciousness.

An article in the Huffington Post chronicles the history of suicide at Cornell University and the university's administration's response to the mental health needs of its student body and their families over time. Three recent suicides in the last month have reopened the issues surrounding suicide rates at the university. Some experts believe the impulse to jump off Cornell's suspension bridges is a matter of opportunity. Partly fueled by the myth of Ithaca's gorges, some suggest if suicide bars were put in place, the obstruction would deter people from completing a suicide. Others think it's an unnecessary method for protecting people from themselves.

In a recent study of 515 people who had their attempt at jumping off the Golden Gate bridge thwarted, 90% said they had never made another suicide attempt after that experience. One may assume desperation, impulse and opportunity all played a part in their attempt. The bridge was there. It promised a quick solution.

So, are suicide bars a solution to the suicides in Ithaca?

I got caught

2010-03-21T16:51:00.000-07:00

A MoMa security guard caught me taking a photograph of a human installation at the Marina Abramović retrospective. I fled the exhibit stashing my cell phone in my pocket without saving the photo in question.

The installation is most noted for naked performances of human sculptures.

A stunned crowd clustered some twenty feet away watching in wonder at the naked man and woman obstructing a narrow passageway to another room. The scent of perspiration hung in the air. One brave patron squeezed through the tense space. The male performer's penis swung in the air as it brushed against the patron's clothes.

"Gavino" asked if I would have faced the male or female performer had I walked passed them.

Vanity Fair

2010-02-10T16:30:00.000-08:00

I am boycotting Vanity Fair this month because the cover jacket and article about new female talent lacks diversity. Were the editors too afraid to put Gabourey Sidibe on the cover, as she doesn't conform to the magazine's narrow standard of beauty?

Raging Grannies Against the Machine (CBS)

2010-02-07T08:15:00.000-08:00

Here's an example of grassroots political mobilization using viral video to disseminate a message. The Raging Grannies plan to boycott CBS because of its plans to broadcast an antiabortion spot during the Super Bowl game tonight. So far, the video has received over 184,158 views.

Speaking Of Faith: Living Vodou

2010-02-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

While living in Milwaukee, I had the opportunity to meet Patrick Bellegarde-Smith. Here is his interview discussing Haitian Vodou on Speaking of Faith.

Maxi iPad

2010-01-27T17:45:00.000-08:00

Avatar vs. Pocahontas

2010-01-21T17:26:00.001-08:00

Yes, I was seduced by the three dimensional universe of Pandora conceived of so generously by Jim Cameron and his crew. I long for immersion into such a lush green world where I can commune with trees and frolic with blue feline companions who have the agility to climb trees and ride the backs of tamed birds. But I am no match for the wild things that roam that jungle.

Throughout my screening of the film I was reminded of American and European imperialism. Certainly the degradation of indigenous cultures and natural resources thematic of the storyline conjure associations with the history of American Indians, US invasion of Vietnam, Iraq, etc, etc. For the next generation of adults, however, this experiential allegory can be a teaching tool for examining the impact of capitalism and imperial expansionism.

The rewrite depicts the ultimate form of historical plagiarism. Borrowing from the "idea bank" runs deeper than adapting a storyline from a Disney animation. Cameron's exploits of an historical narrative makes me laugh. He is laughing too, all the way to the bank.

Just another centerfold

2010-01-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

Don't call this a mandate. So what if Scott Brown drives a truck; that kind of rhetoric doesn't win elections in Massachusetts.

How much of Coakely's defeat is the result of her sense of entitlement? Because Scott Brown's victory was as much about the failings of his competitor to own the task at hand as it was about some imaginary disaffection from his constituents. She thought the senate seat was hers. What else would have lead her to take a vacation when she should have campaigning.

Reactionary voters in the suburbs of Boston just don't surprise me. They are driven by self-interest and the peace of mind of knowing that they already have a state-sponsored health care delivery system available to them. What about the rest of the country? Have their basic needs been squelched? This can only mean that thirty-seven million uninsured voters will need to rise up in 2010, or else Fox News and the Teabaggers will continue to gain momentum blaming President Obama for the problems he has inherited from the Bush Administration.

Happy Holidays from Italy!

2009-12-24T15:01:00.000-08:00

It's a tradition in Italy to exchange gifts on Christmas Eve and then feast upon roasted leg of lamb, prawns, savory treats, tirumisu, as well as copious amounts of Sardinian wine. Tomorrow promises more multi-course meals. Happy Holidays!

Hitting closer to home

2009-11-22T16:49:00.000-08:00

I am wrapping my head around some unexpected news my family delivered over the phone. Maybe I am just not as prepared for a sudden pronouncement of death as I had previously thought. Dad's nursing home roommate died earlier this week. "Henry" seemed like a good match for Dad. They were the quintessential Odd Couple together, communicating on two separate mental planes that never converged. Henry displayed a vitality much younger than his 93 years. His rants were amusing although mostly unintelligible; his mobility seemed agile. He had a penchant for the ladies.

But a few weeks ago, Henry fell and broke his hip, and then suddenly found himself completely bedridden. I don't know if he an underlying condition caused his death, but now Dad seems more vulnerable to me.

Dementia drug Use 'killing many'

2009-11-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

My thanks to a British reader who shared the following BBC report with me. The findings are disheartening but resonate with the course of care that my father has received in the nursing home. Widespread misuse of medication as a means for controlling patients has gone on for decades behind closed doors. In my Dad's case, the decline has been rapid, and now he can barely walk or feed himself because his aggression is controlled with anti-psychotic medication. The medical establishment should be held liable for this practice, which examined from a certain angle functions as involuntary euthanasia.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8356423.stm

Dementia drug use 'killing many'

By Nick Triggle
Health reporter, BBC News

Needless use of anti-psychotic drugs is widespread in dementia care and contributes to the death of many patients, an official review suggests.

About 180,000 patients a year are given the drugs in care homes, hospitals and their own homes to manage aggression.

But the expert review - commissioned by ministers - said the treatment was unnecessary in nearly 150,000 cases and was linked to 1,800 deaths.

The government in England has agreed to take steps to reduce use of the drugs.

These include:

Improving access to other types of therapy, such as counselling
Better monitoring of prescribing practices
Guidance for families explaining what they can do if they are worried about drug use
Specialist training in dementia for health and social care staff
Appointment of a new national director for dementia to oversee the measures

The review - and the government pledge to take action - comes after long-running concerns about the use of anti-psychotic drugs.

Over the past 30 years, the NHS has increasingly turned to the treatment, which was originally aimed at people with schizophrenia, as it has struggled to cope with the rise in people with dementia.

'Different mindset'

There are currently 700,000 people in the UK with the condition, but this is expected to rise to one million in the next 10 years because of the ageing population.

The review, led by King's College London expert Professor Sube Banerjee, accepted that for some people anti-psychotic drugs would be necessary.

But it said they should be used only for a maximum of three months and when the person represented a risk to themselves or others.

Professor Banerjee estimated that of the 180,000 people given the drugs each year, only 36,000 benefited.

He said health and social care services needed to develop a "different mindset".

He believes if the steps the government has agreed to are followed, anti-psychotic drug use could be reduced by two-thirds within three years.

Care services minister Phil Hope agreed action was needed.

"We know there are situations where anti-psychotic drug use is necessary - we're not calling for a ban, but we do want to see a significant reduction in use."

Neil Hunt, chief executive of the Alzheimer's Society, said the long-awaited review was a welcome recognition of the scale of the problem.

He added: "This goes beyond quality of care. It is a fundamental rights issue.

"Our members tell us of enormous worry and distress over what is happening to their loved ones."

The Royal College of GPs - in most cases the drugs are prescribed by family doctors - admitted the situation was "unacceptable".

President Dr Steve Field said: "People deserve much better."

While the review was commissioned by the government in England, ministers elsewhere in the UK have agreed to study the recommendations.

Have you or anyone you know been affected by the issues raised in this story? Tell us your experiences using the form below.

A selection of your comments may be published, displaying your name and location unless you state otherwise in the box below.

The New Social Media Guru

2009-11-15T07:21:00.000-08:00

I am amused by the way this reenactment demystifies the hype around social media gurus and the spike in traffic/sales they promise clientele. The skills it requires to be a guru sometimes hinges on smoke, mirrors, and a naive client. Any marketing plan should take into account economies of scale and platform adaptability. The thought of IBM scouting for a social media director and becoming a presence on Twitter or Facebook is the equivalent of a colossal elephant pretending to be a grassroots organization. Are these platforms right for IBM?

What would Jesus do with your frozen embryo?

2009-11-11T12:38:00.000-08:00

The Salon article written by Kate Harding and posted below caught my attention for all the obvious, sensational reasons. It made me giggle, and then consider how the Jesus analogy has been used for subversive argumentation against Christians regarding their aversion to communism, health care rights, and gun control in the United States.

It doesn't answer the larger question of what couples should do with their unused embryos in the event they have no intention of taking them to full term and their faith defines the stem cells as a life form. This is a huge moral dilemma for any person to face. I guess it's too much to ask of them to donate the cells to science?

Watch Planned Parenthood's animation (re)defining when pregnancy occurs and maybe it will change your mind about when personhood begins in the womb. Please tell me what you think of the perspiring penis dressed in a suit and the provocative costume worn by the Mae West inspired character. Will this change the way teens think about conception and the morning after pill?

http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2009/11/11/frozen_embryos/print.html

What would Jesus do with a frozen embryo?
It's an interesting question, but let's keep in mind that not everyone's asking it
Kate Harding
Nov. 11, 2009 |
After my first reading of a Chicago Tribune article about parents deciding what to do with leftover embryos following IVF treatment, I was so confused I had to consult my smart friend Laura. I IM'ed her the link and asked, "Am I crazy, or does this article totally take it on faith (ha!) that everyone deciding what to do with an embryo is religious?" Laura's verdict? "Man, those babies in the picture are cute. Especially the yawning one." Also, "You are definitely not crazy. This is an article about Christians struggling with this decision, which is very interesting, but nowhere in the article does the writer specify that."
Technically, that's not true -- 11 paragraphs into the article, the religions of the couple in question, Adrianna and Robert Potter, are mentioned (she's a lapsed Catholic, he's a Methodist). And after 10 paragraphs, the author, Manya A. Brachear, notes, "Such decisions, doctors say, are often informed and framed by faith" -- which is enough to justify focusing on that angle for one article. But it would be nice if said article either led with a clear indication that it was doing just that, or else acknowledged that "What would Jesus do?" is not the central question facing every couple with embryos in storage. Laura continues, "There is no one saying, 'Hey, guess what, embryos aren't people' -- whether that comes from a scientist, an atheist, or simply a different set of Christians. There's also no 'here are some of the things that stem cell research is used for' info. It's all, 'Your dead babies will go to Science, whatever that is.'"
That's an exaggeration, but not by all that much. Writes Brachear, "At this time last year, doctors say, the absence of government funds combined with the economic downturn stalled most meaningful embryonic science, making donations to research a riskier and more radical option. Some laboratories stopped accepting donations, forcing some fertility centers to hold on to embryos despite parents' preference to devote them to research." So, wait, deciding that you'd like your embryos to go to science somehow becomes "risky" and "radical" if there's a chance they might not be used for research? I guess that makes sense if, like Adrianna Potter, you only favor donating embryos to science to promote "the creation of new life" -- she notes that research led to their ability to conceive via IVF, and would like to help other couples. Her husband, Robert, either wants to keep them "to fulfill God's mandate to be fruitful and multiply" or donate them to another infertile couple. So for them, donating embryos to science with no guarantee that they'll be used might indeed seem risky and/or radical. But what about couples who make that choice simply because they'd rather see the embryos go to good use than discard them? Because they believe in the promise of stem cell research -- and at this time last year, were probably hoping that Obama would revoke the ban on federal funding for it, which he did? At this point in the article, there's still been no clear acknowledgment that this particular debate has a faith-specific context -- but any other context is completely ignored.
And that's the subtle part. Later, Brachear writes, "Robert doesn't trust that every embryo [donated to science] fulfills a greater purpose. He can't imagine sentencing two potential children to short lives that would end in a laboratory." I'm sorry, I can get on board with "potential children," emphasis on potential, but short lives? No. The idea that an embryo has a "life" that can be ended, even when it's never seen the inside of a woman's uterus, is a purely religious one; Robert seems to hold that belief as part of his faith, which is fine, but could we please get some quotation marks, or even a non-specific "he said" on that? Because otherwise, you're asking the reader to accept the concept of embryonic personhood as a given. And boy, this reader doesn't.
As Laura said, an article about Christians struggling with a decision that raises serious questions about their own faith versus science is a very interesting idea -- and if the headline or subhead or first nine and a half paragraphs indicated that that is, in fact, the subject here, I would have an entirely different take on the execution. Instead, a peculiarly religious dilemma is universalized -- "Families struggle with science, faith," reads the subhead -- and people who have no faith-based qualms about donating embryos to science (including many religious people, as well as those who don't have faith-basied qualms, period) are simply not acknowledged. Not to mention, "struggling with science" is presented as wondering whether your embryos' "lives" will have meaning in a lab -- which, call me crazy, still sounds more like struggling with faith. At a time when anti-choice groups are sincerely attempting to redefine personhood as "the beginning of biological development" -- raising the possibility of everything from miscarriages being investigated as potential homicides to pregnant women qualifying for the carpool lane -- blurring the line between religious beliefs and observable facts is what I would call "risky" and "radical."

-- Kate Harding

Militant Knitters

2009-11-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

A pleasant woman sitting next to me on the bus pulled out her knitting gear and started casting a purple yarn with fringe balls, creating a funky stitch that caught my attention. Her face was weathered from selling knit hats and mittens at the outdoor flea markets around town. She gave me her card, in the event I decided to take a knitting class at the Jewish Community Center. Given that I am limited to knitting patches and then stitching the ends together to result in a crude wrist warmer, the offer may be a good idea.

This encounter was in stark contrast to the experiences I had in area yarn stores a few months back. After I was welcomed to the cult by one store owner, another proprietor expressed deep reservation about even selling me one of her yarns until she had inspected my stitch work. She wanted to know if my knitting technique was too tight or too loose. I suppose I look like a loose knitter, no?

The Militant Knitter stroked the yarn I had selected and exhibited an over attachment to her surplus merchandise. She had refuted my intention to knit wrist warmers before graduating to a scarf. And, when I described the Frankenstein-like stitching I cultivated to close the wrist warmer, she became alarmed and then called me a cheater.

Whatever relaxation that I derived from passive knitting has been drained out of that experience.

Tweeting about a miscarriage as it happened

2009-11-10T18:56:00.000-08:00

When Penelope Trunk tweeted about her recent miscarriage, it was announced on Twitter as the event was taking place in a business meeting. Although I missed this story in real time, it drew a ripple across media outlets, largely in reaction to this frank disclosure.

Why is disclosure about miscarriage such a taboo topic? To divulge such a private matter seemed to cross a line for some readers, even as the line between the public and private self has long been blurred. To this end, the spectacle has sparked a discussion around reproductive rights, grieving and ambivalence towards pregnancy.

This editorial piece in The Guardian gives a convincing reason why there should be an ongoing dialogue about women's reproductive lives and the disparate health care choices available to us.

Penelope Trunk: Why I tweeted about my miscarriage
When Penelope Trunk tweeted that she was sitting in a meeting having a miscarriage, she didn't expect the uproar that followed
Recently, I updated my Twitter feed: "I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a fucked-up three-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin."
I am 42 years old and run a social networking site for managing careers, and a blog with half a million visitors a month. On Twitter, the micro-blogging site, my feed is one of the most popular around. I have tweeted about my sex life, my period, and even a minor run-in with the police. For me, Twitter is a way to make a note about the most important things that happen in the day. So, I never thought this message would cause uproar. But it did.
Television, blogs and newspapers around the world reported what I had written. People posted critcisms on my blog. I was even interviewed on CNN where the news anchor asked me, "Young lady, do you have no shame?" My boyfriend's extended family called to make sure he was dumping me – although my mother told me she was proud of my CNN interview and forwarded it to all her feminist friends.
People were shocked at my response to the miscarriage. But I was shocked by their outrage. I am not sure why people think there is a "correct" emotion for miscarriages. For anything, really. Emotions are complicated. Sometimes people laugh in a crisis because they can't control themselves. We know some men walk away during a fight, we know some parents hit their kids when they love them. Pregnancies, too, are complicated. Something I knew when I wrote that tweet.
I have given birth to two children and they are the love of my life. They are four and seven years old. And they are difficult, fun, scary, smart and always seem to need something from me – they make my life feel full and important. I also understand the pain a miscarriage can cause. I had one in between having my two kids, and I thought I was never going to recover. I remember the ultrasound technician's face when she saw the baby was dead. I knew before she told me: I screamed and had to be put in a separate room at the doctor's office because I had a panic attack and nearly fainted. I was inconsolable for days. I was scared I'd never have another child. I hated myself for not trying to have children sooner.
But this time was different. I knew I did not want the baby. Is that so bad? I had taken apregnancy test when I couldn't do my normal run or stay awake at work. When it came back positive, I felt old, scared and angry. When I called my boyfriend to tell him, he cried. He doesn't believe in abortion. But I have a child with autism and the odds that the next child will have autism is almost 90%. The odds of a mother over 40 having a child with Down's syndrome is one in 100. The risk that a woman who is 42 will miscarry at some point in the pregnancy is higher than 50%. These are not good odds. And I'm the sole breadwinner. I already knew that the risks of this pregnancy were huge. And if I had a baby with compromised medical health, it would jeopardise my ability to care for my two kids in the way I want to.
So, of course I was relieved that I didn't have to have an abortion because the decision was made for me. That this is controversial is absolutely shocking to me. I have had an abortion before. I know a few things about abortions. They are difficult morally, terrifying emotionally, and they are usually secret.
People have said that I shouldn't have got pregnant in the first place. But according to the Guttmacher Institute in the US (a not-for-profit organisation that works to advance reproductive health), most women who have abortions were on birth control the month they got pregnant. And half the women in the US will have an unintended pregnancy by age 45. So there is no single emotion for miscarriage or for pregnancy.
What none of the commentators of my tweet seems keen to discuss is how a woman's right to have an abortion where I live in Wisconsin has been undermined. It is one of 12 states that make women wait 24 hours before they can schedule an abortion. And the only place to get one that is covered by insurance is at a Planned Parenthood clinic, of which there are only three in the state. There is a week-and-a-half wait to get the first meeting and a week-and-a-half wait to get the abortion. To me, this is far more important than judging whether or not I should share personal information.
Some people say that a miscarriage is too private to discuss at work. But why? It's an important part of a woman's experience. It is not dirty or evil or shameful. A large number of women will have miscarriages in their lifetime. It's part of being a woman. And most men at the office have lived through the miscarriage of a significant other. It's an experience that happens over weeks, not hours. And it happens at work. We talk about death at work. We talk about violence at work. We talk about emotional problems such as breakups and mishaps and major disappointments. Why can't we talk about miscarriage? Who is hurt by keeping the topic taboo?
Others say I should not have discussed my experience on Twitter, but Twitter is not a public forum. Those who want to read my tweets have to sign up to receive my updates. And I can approve or disapprove people on an individual basis. The percentage of people who subscribe to my Twitter feed who were offended by my miscarriage tweet is very small. I know because you can unsubscribe to the feed, and only about 70 did.
I believe that the history of women can be seen, in some ways, as a history of language. The more women talk about their experiences, the more power they have to shape those experiences. Words such as date rape and antenatal depression are empowering because they give us ways to talk about issues that were hidden when we did not have the language to express them. We have a word for miscarriage. We should use it to explore the complicated issues around it.
If you insist on keeping the word private, you force the experience of women back into darkness. If you start telling women which media is appropriate for which emotion, you undermine the progress we make.
I didn't think about any of this when I wrote my tweet. But all the media attention has made me think a lot more, and I'm glad I have. I'm smarter for it.
You can read Penelope Trunk's blog at http://blog.penelopetrunk.com