Kate Has a Blog

Trailer Time AND YouTube of the Week

2012-03-05T13:00:00.001-05:00

Big, big news today. Earlier this week, the cover art for the upcoming Assassins Creed III (which is actually the 5th game in the series) was released. It depicted what appeared to be an 18th Century Assassin killing a British Redcoat. Fans went balls-to-the-wall crazy, and it looks like that craziness is set to continue. Today the first trailer for the game (set for release in October) shows us a relatively juicy bunch of details about the plot, including who I think is George. Freakin. Washington.

If I'm wrong, I'm playing my Canadian card. Now watch this trailer while I Google the American Revolution.

Are you excited? I certainly am. What about our new protagonist? Does he look like he will live up to the sexy killing machine Ezio Auditore? Who do you think he is, anyway? My instincts, from looking at his getup, suggest he must have a Native American connection. The tomahawk is one clue, as is the bow and arrow, as is his costume, as is the setting in Mohawk Valley. Plus, it's not totally unreasonable to assume that Desmond has some Native blood in him. It would fit well with the character.

Question is, how does all of this fit into the larger story?

UPDATE: It seems that G4 has made it one step ahead of me, and I found a lot of my questions answered here. Lots of great spoilers/news there for fans.

(Also, I was totally right about the Native American thing and I swear to God I didn't look at anything but the trailer before I made that conclusion.)

Trailer Time: The Avengers (again)

2012-02-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

The Avengers have a new trailer leaked to the interwebs today, and for the many salivating fan girls and boys (like myself), this is a holy day. A day when we get a better glimpse into the plot of this highly anticipated conglomeration of superheroes.

Who's psyched???

Kate's on a Cruise: Part 2

2012-02-21T23:39:00.002-05:00

Monday, Feb 20^th

My mom with the bearded tree that gives Barbados it's name!

After spending a day and a half at sea lounging by the pool and relaxing, we finally made it to our first port, Barbados!

The first thing I noticed was, of course, the palm trees. It’s going to take a while for me to get used to seeing those everywhere. And not just palm trees; coconut trees, banana trees, and nutmeg trees. It’s surreal.

Barbados is a bustling little island with a ton of traffic and more people than you’d expect. Since it is and always has been a British colony (most of the islands have changed hands at least dozens of times), it has a lot of British customs, including driving on the left side of the road. It’s scary, and nauseating.

I had a pretty bad stomachache for most of our bumpy ride into the Barbadian countryside, but I could still enjoy the amazing lay of the land. Unlike most of the other Caribbean islands, Barbados is not volcanic. It has a lot of plantations and farm land. There were fat cows everywhere, and there was also a lot of construction going on. Our driver yammered away with some of the weirdest anecdotes as he took us on the 45 minute drive up to the Harrison Caves.

The houses in Barbados are very small, many of them on land originally owned by slaves. The beach land was given to the slaves because it was the cheapest, and not fertile. Nowadays, beachside property is so in demand that the driver said his aunt sold her tiny little plot of land for 4 million dollars to make way for a resort.

Apparently she didn’t mind giving up her beachfront property because she, like 80% of Barbadians, doesn’t swim. That’s very weird to me…

Harrison Caves is a series of spectacular caverns that tunnel under the gentle hills of Barbados. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. We were driven on a electrically powered tram through the man made tunnels, and saw huge formations unlike anything I’ve ever seen. They form through some very scientific process involving erosion, tectonics and sediment, but I honestly didn’t really understand. All I know is the walls sparkled and the water pools were the clearest and cleanest I have ever seen.

After returning with our outspoken driver, my mom and I broke away from the group and went to the one place every Senators fan must go in Barbados: Bert’s Bar.

Bert’s Bar is the famous restaurant where Eugene Melnyk (owner of the Ottawa Senators and one of the richest Canadians in the world) sits at the bar and watches every game as he spends his summers in Bridgetown. We came in and the place was deserted. I had my Sens jersey on proudly and the waiter asked if we were here for the game at 2.

Stealthy photo of my mom and Eugene watching intently

What luck!

As it turns out, we were there right on time to watch the first period. After we ate our food, we moved to the bar and watched on satellite as the pre-game show started. Suddenly, right as the puck drops, Eugene Melnyk himself plops down next to my mother and orders a beer. He then turned to my mother and started talking hockey with her, and giving us the inside scoop on all of the players. Suddenly we looked around and realized the entire bar was filled with people from Ottawa.

It was the strangest thing I’ve ever done.

In the middle of the Caribbean, a huge group of people I’ve never met from my hometown had all gathered to eat burgers, drink beer and watch the hockey game.

The Sens didn’t disappoint, either. We were up 2 nothing by the time we left, and only half way through the first period. Go Sens Go.

(May I note that I have no idea if we won or lost that game as I have been drunk and on a boat most of the time).

Tuesday, Feb 21^st

This is the view, though, so it's kind of worth the early rise.

This morning my mother woke me up at 6AM as the boat was pulling into the island of St. Lucia. It’s important that you know how ungodly an hour it was. I was under the impression my vacation would consist of at least sleeping later than I do on a workday.

It seems the opposite is true.

After eating breakfast, we met our tour group to go on the “Land and Sea” tour of the island. We hopped in a small bus and began the harrowing trip up the winding mountains of the island (and still driving on the wrong side). Since this is only our second stop, I only now began to notice the differences between the islands. Barbados had a bunch of extremely laid-back people. There were poor people, but they didn’t seem desperately poor. There seemed to be a good support system in place for them.

The tour guide, Noella, let us know that St. Lucia has a very high unemployment rate and warned us of the aggressive vendors at our various photo op stops.

I will say that, although I know that they’re largely trying to sell me stuff, I do get hit on by Caribbean and African men almost exclusively. It’s the curves. I accept it. In Barbados, I almost became a Rastafarian bride. In St. Lucia, the vendors will aggressively flirt with you and then attempt to trick you into buying overpriced jewelry made of hematite (which is actually abundant in Canada and the United States). In fact, it’s probably not real hematite.

They tend to use my mother as a sort of accomplice as well, not complimenting me directly but telling her she has a beautiful daughter, and then jokingly saying they will steal me from her unless I buy a bird feeder made of coconut husk.

Little boys wave from the side of the road and wait at high traffic areas trying to sell more wares. If I would buy from anyone, it would be them. They were the sweetest little kids.

This guy's about 2 months old.

One of our stops was a pier in a small town where the fishermen were preparing the catch of the day. They fried sardines on a fire, and stray dogs were throw fish heads. I felt really sad for the dogs. Diseased, injured, full of mange and fleas, laying in the shade of overturned boats. The little puppies broke my heart. You want to hug them but they can’t be trusted as they’re not pets, but wild strays. We did get some photos of the little 10-week-old pups on the beach, though.

There was also a very cocky rooster who was striking a pose like it was nobodies business.

We also stopped at a Botanical Garden before lunch, but to be honest I just wanted to eat. I couldn’t have cared less. It was nice I suppose, but rainforests are probably only cool if you’re in them naturally, not in a man made garden that’s about as old as you are.

Lunch was a buffet at an old plantation mill, which consisted of chicken, fish, rice and curried green banana. Apparently, if you cook banana when still very green, it tastes like potato. It was SO DELICIOUS, but it’s weird to eat what is obviously a banana and have it taste like curried potato.

We then waited for what felt like forever, and got onto our catamaran to tour the island and swim (and drink rum punch). I can’t tell you how good that water felt after a day of hiking through humid rainforests and sitting on a bus as it wove precariously through the mountains.

Even in the water, though, men on kayaks chase you around trying to sell you stuff. Here’s the thing: I’m in the water, in my bathing suit. I’m not sure where they think I’m keeping my money. There’s also something even ickier about being aggressively sold to and hit on while you’re in a bathing suit with your boobs hanging out.

Ick.

We’ve been taking our own souvenir, either cheap ones like post cards that are only a dollar, or rocks and sand from the beaches. At this particular stop my mom and I found some fossilized coral, sea glass, and terracotta on the beach to take home.

We were running so late that we only just made the boat on time (they would have waited for us, though). St. Lucia was exhausting but beautiful. We napped and then went down to eat yet another amazing dinner of pasta, fruit, soup and way (WAY) too much dessert!

Tomorrow we’re having a bit of a lie in and going to the beach in Antigua. Relaxing day with little to do but suntan and swim and finish reading The Hunger Games.

I miss home, but mostly I miss Buster and I miss having Internet readily available to me anytime. I will be sure to take the photos and videos that I have and put them into a vlog for you guys as soon as I get my computer, Stella, back from the Apple Store (again).

Until then, I’m going to relax because I’m on a f$%#$%g boat.

Kate's on a Cruise: Part 1

2012-02-18T23:35:00.001-05:00

I can’t believe that it’s only been two days since I left Toronto. It feels like a week! I’ve done enough walking, eating and drinking for a week in those two days, too.

Old San Juan, Puerto Rico

Thursday, Feb 16^th

I left work early to head back to my apartment, get my stuff (which I had actually packed the night before: shocking), give Buster to the dog sitter and take off for the airport hotel with my mom.

I trust Maria from Paws 2 Go a lot. She was friendly and great with Buster, reassured me and made me feel like he was in good hands. I still hated leaving him though. I realize how unreasonable it is to miss a dog as much as I do, but I hang out with him a lot. I’m a single woman. Allow me this one idiosyncrasy.

So after putting him into the back of a van and trying not to cry as he stared at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen, I was off to the hotel near the airport.

Friday, Feb 17^th

The reason for spending the night in a hotel was because being that close to the airport meant that there was little to no chance that we would find ourselves stuck in traffic while our flight to our first stop over (Miami) left without us. Instead we ended up in first of what I’m sure will be numerous terrifying taxi rides with a family that was taking their kids on a surprise trip to Disney Land. They hadn’t told the kids where they were going yet but we were all going on a plane to Florida and I have a big kid brain, so I figured it out.

There are crazy cool plants in Puerto Rico, too. And crazy sunshine.

I do not do well on airplanes, but I love certain parts of it. The feeling immediately after you take off, looking at the scenery below, and the feeling as soon as you find out that you’ve safely landed and can get off the plane are what I like. Everything else is awful.

My mother doesn’t share my fear as she has been on many flights whereas all I’ve done is go on a regional airline from Ottawa to Toronto one time. 757’s are big. They make scary noises. I also became obsessed with watching documentaries about plane crashes in the weeks leading up to this trip and was replaying them all in my head. While my mother leaned out in front of me, I was digging my fingernails into my jeans and praying that I wasn’t on the news.

We landed in Miami and went through security again, where I was almost given a cavity search by an angry female TSA agent for forgetting that my iPhone was stowed in my bra. Then waited 5 hours for our connecting flight.

Tiny Towers is not as time consuming as one would hope.

We landed in San Juan, Puerto Rico at about 10:30 PM local time, and even in the dark I was astounded by how different it was. I’ve never left North America, and San Juan is so far away from anything I have ever seen. For one thing, some of the taxi drivers are pretty sexy, which seems illogical. Another observation is that turn signals on the highway seem to be a mere suggestion rather than a rule.

Sheer. Terror.

I need to live here. In this specific house.

Saturday, Feb. 18^th

Once daylight came, I continued to gasp at everything I saw as we toured through Old San Juan. Every building is painted bright coral colors with white trim, and the air smells like flowers and fruit and hot brick.

I’ve also never heard so much Spanish in my life, seeing as how in Canada every message is provided in English and French, and few people habla l’espangnol. In fact, I’m pretty sure those two words aren’t even spelled right. I’m so, so sorry to my Spanish speaking audience.

We got onto the cruise ship (The Celebrity Summit) early and quickly realized that it is every staff member’s sole purpose to make sure you are satisfyingly hammered for the entire voyage. We had two steps in the door before we were handed mimosas. We turned into the lounge/buffet lunch area and were given another drink, which seemed to be 3 ounces of vodka and 1 ounce of pineapple juice. Then we ordered more drinks, and we don’t have to pay for any of them because we have a drink package that includes everything.

If you go on a cruise, do that. Trust me.

Turns out our cruise was actually a Pirate Expedition.

The fact that nearly everything is accessible to you at all times on the cruise is strange. It is literally like being in a tiny floating city where you, and all other citizens, are the Pope. I have a Stateroom Attendant. Her name is Joanne and she is from the Philippines. She calls me Miss Kate and brings me tuna sandwiches whenever I want. She also comes in my room when I’m not looking and leaves chocolates and Oreo’s everywhere.

People are constantly showering you with “Welcome”, “Can I help you with something?” “Do you want another drink?”, "Would you like me to squeeze hand sanitizer on your hands for you","Is everything to your liking?", "Is everything still to your liking?", “Would you like me to fan you with this giant palm leaf?”

I have a feeling that, if I tipped her enough, Joanne might actually give me a piggyback ride. Not that I would ever ask her to do that. That's a little much, even for Joanne. Joanne is the shit, though, guys.

I bet she could get me weed, is what I'm saying.

The entire staff is amazing, actually. I’ve never felt more welcome or taken care of. I know that their lives working a cruise must be difficult, but they do everything they can to make sure we have a good time. I also love that every employee’s nametag also says which country they’re from. I have already met a Canadian crewmember, and it was pretty cool to see what a small world it is.

Speaking of Canadians, our tablemates during our dinner slot are all from Toronto. In fact, my mother is the only non-Torontonian in the bunch. It’s either a tremendous coincidence, or they put us together on purpose hoping that the Canadians will like each other, be polite, and not ask to be moved.

Just like any woman on a trip, I took pictures of clothes I could never wear.

Luckily, every one of them is amazing, friendly, and great to talk to. We’re seated with two young couples about my age. My mom seems to fit in just fine, though, and seems to be having a wonderful time.

We have now left port at San Juan and I am sitting on the Celebrity Summit’s lovely iLounge. It’s an Internet café of sorts that is also an Apple Store. Oh, and it’s steps from our room (which is also lovely). I feel like I’m in heaven. Did I mention it’s 24 hours?

That boat is rocking back and forth and I feel like I’m more toasted than I really am (and really… I am). I’ve managed to hack the system to let me upload photos to you guys, so I hope you like the pictures that I’ve included (all taken with my iPhone which is now nothing more than a glorified digital camera and Gameboy).

Tomorrow we’re still at sea, so I will try my best to take some time at the end of the day to tell you guys what I’ve been up to. The place is almost deserted at this time of day (except for a few older ladies trying to figure out how the internet charging works). It’s like I’m in my office, except that there are about 30 laptops around me and none of them are mine.

That is, until I win big in the onboard casino and walk away with my tax free MacBook.

6 Awesome Movies to Watch If You're Single on Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T17:45:00.000-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I love love. I'm not going to hate on people who are in love and want to celebrate that love on Valentine's Day by giving roses, diamonds, BJ's- whatever.

But I, as a single woman, experience the other Valentine's Day. Not the sweet, sugary, flowery world of hopeless romance and soul mates. No no.

The single persons Valentine's experience a 2-4 week barrage of reminders that (just in case you forgot):

YOU ARE ALONE.

Look, here are some diamonds....

NO ONE WILL BUY YOU.

Look, every man on the street is carrying roses!

FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

Oh, hey, why don't you go to this great restaurant?

AND EAT ALONE.

Not to mention every website that you have ever given your email address to will send you a Valentine's Day themed email.

Just to rub it in.

So, fellow singles, let us celebrate the fact that tomorrow it will all be over. Get out some wine, and toast to February 15th-eve with these decidedly not mushy movies.

1) Machete

Nothing says fun like a good old fashioned knife fight. Machete, which I have previously reviewed, is a blood thirsty rampage of slicey-dicey good times mixed with campy comedy and Lindsay Lohan.

Marvel at the terrible acting, the ridiculous plot lines, and the knowledge that Lohan used a body double for her nude scene.

The fact that I know that means I've seen your tits too many times, Linds.

Legendary director Robert Rodriguez originally made a trailer for the film (which didn't really exist) to go in front of Grindhouse. People loved the idea so much, he made it into a movie.

Danny Trejo plays Machete, a down on his luck former Mexican special agent or cop or something (who cares) who's family is murdered by a gangster. When he gets back on their trail while working as an illegal laborer in the US, he starts kicking ass and taking names.

Plus, they've announced that a sequel is in the works, so you should probably get acquainted with the story... which is pretty easy to do. This is why I'm recommending you watch it while getting drunk on cheap wine, or possibly while you smoke some a little stronger (I won't judge).

2) Saw

I realize that Saw series has gone on way too long, and I stopped watching the movies when I too figured out that (SPOILER ALERT) Cary Elwes was going to turn out to be the bad guy.

I'm sorry, but duh.

However, the original Saw with Cary Elwes sawing his own foot off (which is why the title actually makes sense for this film and this film only) is pretty damn good.

Granted, now that we're very familiar with the way that the serial killer does his thing, it might not be as exciting to watch again. But it's pretty screwed up, and they didn't really try to squeeze any romance or sob stories in this one. It's just a crazy-ass murderer pitting man against man in a desperate fight for survival.

Plus it's nice to see Cary Elwes finally finding work in a decade other than the 80s.

3) Working Girl

Speaking of the 80s, this movie is one of my favorite films of the decade. Melanie Griffith (before she kicked coke), wacky hair and all, trying to make it in the business world. It's a feminist film without being full of fury, it's funny, and it has great 80s music to go along with it.

It also has Sigourney Weaver and a very sexy Harrison Ford.

While there is a tiny bit of romance, Melanie Griffth's character Tess is more concerned with advancing her career by any means necessary than getting laid, and in fact turns down a marriage proposal from her sleeze-bag boyfriend, Alec Baldwin, before kicking ass and getting a promotion.

You go girl!

4) Catfish

Catfish is classified as a documentary because filmmakers (and film subjects) Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman and brother Nev Schulman claim that it is a real account of a period in their lives. They claim some freaky shit went down, and they just happened to be filming every moment of it without knowing that said shit would go down.

Hopping onto the "found footage" bandwagon, the movie was different because the filmmakers were sticking to their guns and saying "this is real, this happened, we filmed it" while everyone else was saying there was no way that could be true.

I'm still not sure, but whether intentional or not, the fact that we still can't decide what the "truth" is actually strengthens the film's thesis.

The film was a colossal failure at the box office (mainly because people didn't know what to make of it), but if you give it a chance you may find it intriguing.

It documents Nev as he develops a relationship with a woman online after her little sister sends him some art based on his photographs. Apparently the little girl is a prodigy, and her hot older sister teases Nev through Facebook, online chatting and on the phone. But when Nev starts to find holes in some of the stories she's telling, he decides to drive to her town and surprise her, and is shocked at what he finds.

Spooky right?

It might make you want to delete any online dating profiles you currently have. I for one am still desperate enough to risk it, though.

5) Jennifer's Body

I'm a huge Diablo Cody groupie, and even though everyone apparently hates this movie, I'm putting it on my list. Bite me.

Jennifer (Megan Fox) actually does a lot of biting in this campy horror movie.

I think one of the reasons people didn't like it is possibly because of that camp. Cody is a huge horror fan, and so (much like Wes Craven did with Scream) attempts to make fun of (and honor) the genre by putting cliche's everywhere and making the whole story generally ridiculous.

What you get is super hot Megan Fox in quite possibly her best performance ever beginning the process of killing off the male population of her high school after having a curse put on her by some faux-goth rockers. There's digs at rape-horror, there's digs at small town America, there's digs at how school tragedies are often given stupid anthems (in this case, "Through the Trees" from the aforementioned faux-goth rockers, and it's pretty catchy).

So the film has everything you could ever want. Okay, probably not. But it's light, funny, and a tiny bit gross. For those of you who are a bit bitter about a man doing you wrong, you can watch a bunch of them get literally eaten alive. For those of you who find Megan Fox insufferable, or hate her because she's hotter than you (be honest...), you can watch her die a bloody death. It's win win.

6) 500 Days of Summer

This is one of my favourite romantic comedies ever made, besides perhaps When Harry Met Sally. 500 Days of Summer is not a love story, though. They tell you that at the beginning so don't get up for more wine without pausing it.

It is, in fact, the dissection of a failed relationship, in scrambled order, as the man in question (sexy Joseph Gordon-Levitt) tries to figure out what went wrong and come to terms with his life (which he hates).

What you're left with is a rather accurate portrayal of the ups and downs of two ill suited lovers who can't quite make it work despite the efforts of one of them, and JGL's successful bid to make his life work (which is more important anyway).

Also, I think we've all agreed at this point that Zoey Deschanel is unbelievable.

But again, not a love story, so you can just relax and watch a bunch of people slowly begin to hate each other, and then figure out their lives. There's also a dance number, so that's great.

-------

So there you have it folks, the 5 movies you can watch if you're Forever Alone. Or just alone for now, which is how I like to think of it.

Despite my sass, I hope those of you who aren't sad and pathetic have an absolutely wonderful day celebrating that.

And if you are alone, be sure to take time out to acknowledge the people in your life that you love in a non-humpy way.

Do it other days too, or the terrorists win.

Click here to check out my other Awesome Lists.

What to Watch: The L.A. Complex

2012-02-10T17:35:00.000-05:00

I came across the strangest television show I've seen in a long time, and now I'm addicted.

It's a show written and starring Canadians, about Canadian characters, filmed and set in Los Angeles. It's like they stole a chunk of my brain and made it a show...

The L.A. Complex premiered a month ago on Much Music and will eventually air on CW in the U.S. It follows the lives of a group of Hollywood hopefuls living in a run down hotel-turned-apartment-complex called "The Luxe" while they desperately try to catch their big break.

Apparently I'm not the only Canuck that dreams of living where there's no winter.

Demystifying the "move to L.A., become famous" mentality, it shows the depressing, frustrating and funny moments of being a wannabe star in Hollywood. The story-lines are whipped into a melodramatic frenzy that only Degrassi creator and Executive Producer Linda Schyler can provide.

5 episodes in, I'm beyond hooked, but I'm not saying it's going to win an Emmy. It aims to shock, to take it's characters through situations that are perhaps not the norm, but still feel authentically "L.A.". I have let out an over-the-top gasp during every single episode I've watched, and I love it. But with similar appeal to nighttime soap operas like Gossip Girl and Desperate Housewives, it needs to provide something a little different than the norm in order to break out from the pack.

That something may be the incredible talent behind the cast of interesting and dynamic characters.

There's Abby (Degrassi alum Cassie Steele), a beautiful aspiring singer and actress who, during one of her first auditions, vomits all over the Casting Director after taking a morning-after pill hours before. There's the man she slept with the night before, Connor (Jonathan Patrick Moore), an Autralian hunk who's mental issues may get in the way of his big break as the lead in a medical drama. Alicia Lowe (Chelan Simmons), the talented dancer who strips to make ends meet and idealistically turns to porn when it isn't working out. Tariq (Benjamin Charles Watson), an ambitious young music producer interning at a R&B studio while hiding his homosexuality from his bosses. Raquel (Jewel Staite) is a washed up former teen star who will do anything to get back on top. Then there's my favourite, Nick (Joe Dinicol), the socially awkward and chronically friend-zoned struggling comic who is totally nerd-hot (and doesn't know it).

I realize that when you use the term "porn" "Los Angeles" "melo-dramatic" and "CW" in a review, people tend to make assumptions.

People also make assumptions about shows that are made by, or set around, Canadians.

That needs to change. Sure, not every teen drama is my cup of tea, but they last a long time. Why? Because they give people what they want. Drama, sex, laughs, and a never-boring story. What's different is that this show stars a cast of nearly unidentifiable, largely Canadian stars.

Why would I want to watch that, you ask? Canadian TV sucks.

Well, actually, no: it doesn't.

Don't let me bore you with my rant about how many of the movies you love so much aren't actually predominantly filmed in New York but Toronto (I spotted that Metro newspaper box, Hitch).

I also won't bore you with the theories of Canadian Identity in media or obliterated landscapes or all that other fun stuff from school that I actually loved a whole lot.

What I will say is that, although Canadian TV has taken a beating in the past, things are picking up.

For instance, Flash Point is an incredibly successful show in the US. What's different from before is that the show doesn't attempt to hide the fact that it's set in Toronto. The same goes for Being Erica, a show which has been filming around the street from my office constantly.

Even when I was younger, there were great Canadian shows. Remember Reboot?

Don't forget that popular show Shark Tank is adapted from the Canadian show Dragons Den (which is adapted from the UK show of the same name), and has 2 Canadians sitting on their panel (Kevin O'Leary and Robert Herjovic). It's never mentioned that they're Canadian, though. This is referred to as creative "vampirism", but I could talk about that for days.

Canadians: hiding in plain sight.

So give the show a try. I guarantee you, the worst case scenario is that you won't care enough to watch the next episode.

Once, I accidentally watched 10 minutes of Kourtney and Kim Take New York.

That's 10 minutes of my life I'll never see again.

Think about THAT.

"But My Computer is Broken..." and Other Lame Excuses

2012-02-06T14:23:00.000-05:00

I feel like the last 4 personal blogs I've done have been about this exact topic: I'm not blogging enough. I go through periods of high-volume blogging, and then I derail and post nothing but YouTube clips for an entire month (see below... and know that I am sorry).

I have had a slightly tumultuous beginning to 2012. As you know, my iMac Stella broke before Christmas. It was devastating. Then I got her back and she was cured. For a month. Now she's broken again, and I'm sad (although, I managed to avoid the ugly cry this time). My oven also won't work, and my apartment is a shit hole, but I can't even get into that right now.

This, combined with being busy at work and feeling uninspired, has been my excuse for not blogging enough.

Well, we all know that's bullshit.

If I want what I say I want, which is to be a "real" writer, I'll need to develop a better discipline than "I blog like crazy when, and only when, I'm bored and well-rested". I need to grow a pair.

The one thing about myself that I would most like to change is, contrary to popular belief, not my fat ass. Nor is it my curly, unruly hair. It's actually my intense and crippling procrastination, a personality flaw that I feel could only have been born from my father's side of the family. That would be the same side of the family that is perpetually 30 minutes late and has never thrown out a copy of National Geographic (ever).

But that side of the family is also the most artistic, and therefore we are inherently designed to work against our own potential. Balls.

So, I'll have to admit to the fact that I'm full of excuses in order to overcome them.

I can't promise that I'm going to be able to post a blog every day (and honestly, that's overkill). What I will do is make an honest commitment to keep the content here rich, funny, and frequent. It may be a little difficult, frustrating, and time consuming, but in the end it will help me reach my goals so that I can afford to fix my computer, and afford better food.

It can't be healthy to eat this much soup.

Trailer Time: The Avengers

2012-02-06T10:58:00.000-05:00

Apparently there was a sporting event yesterday called the "Super Bowl". I didn't watch it, but I do hear there are some great commercials. The best one is clearly the one with all the hot men.

No, not David Beckham's stupid underwear commercial.

The Avengers trailer! Whoopee!

There is so much sexy in this movie, I'm not actually convinced that the laws of physics should allow it to exist at all. I just envision nerdy women and men alike bursting into flames, extinguishing their crotches with over-sized, over-iced movie theater soda. It would be anarchy!

But seriously, folks, a movie with Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo and Jeremy Renner? Heck, most women would even take ScarJo if given the opportunity. There's no way you can't go see this movie, and they damn well know it. It probably won't even be good. I don't even care anymore. Just give it to me, already.

(That's what she said)

YouTube of the Week

2012-02-02T10:32:00.000-05:00

Oh for cryin' out loud!

If you don't think this is cute you have no soul. (Courtesy of The Huffington Post)

YouTube of the Week!

2012-01-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

This Dad needs to get over it. Also, this baby should work for the Pentagon.

Avengers News!

2012-01-14T12:52:00.001-05:00

In case you haven't been reading this blog that long, I love Captain America. No, it's not the best comic book movie ever made. No, it doesn't have any sex scenes (this is a big downside, let's face it). But nevertheless, the incredible charisma of Chris Evans causes me to shiver with excitement whenever I think about The Avengers. When he came out of that machine all shiny and buff, the entire female population of the theatre gasped audibly. Good gasping. Sexy gasping.

So I was very excited to hear this morning that the great Joss Whedon, director of the greatest film conglomeration of superhero characters of all time, had made an announcement with regards to the plot structure and point-of-view of the film.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

Entertainment Weekly quotes Whedon:

"I set out with a very simple problem: There is no reason for these people to be in the same movie. So that’s what my movie has to be about. So much of the movie takes place from Steve Rogers' (Chris Evans) perspective, since he’s the guy who just woke up and sees this weird ass world. Everyone else has been living in it."

Hurray!

Our favourite little beef-cake, Steve Rogers (aka Captain America) will be the character which the story revolves around. Not only does it makes sense for the story, but it also means we get more Chris Evans (and explains the amount of set-shots featuring Evans has been very high).

People have raised issue about the writing of the previous films (one of those people was me... I'm talking to you, Thor). Many fears are eased with Whedon at the helm. Whedon, an incredibly popular director in Sci-Fi and cult film circles, is the writer/director of such shows and films as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly and Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog.

Are you excited for The Avengers when it hits theatres on May 4th?

YouTube of the Week

2012-01-11T23:43:00.001-05:00

A twitter-friend of mine by the name of @TheManUnleashed shared this clip with me. It comes to you from the absolutely hilarious Jenna Marbles. Anyone know if she does house calls?

Can Horses Win Oscars?

2012-01-10T12:15:00.000-05:00

I don't think they technically can, and I'm fairly certain the horse in War Horse was likely played by several different horses. Still, I think it warrants checking into. Joey the horse may have stolen the "Most Beloved Horse" prize from Seabiscuit, just as Seabiscuit undoubtedly did from Black Beauty.

War Horse has luckily received a lot of press in the past few days because it was the movie premiere that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge decided to check out the day before her 30th birthday. Steven Spielberg (who directed the film) has even told the press a lovely little anecdote about his wife, also named Kate, passing the Duchess a tissue during a particularly emotional scene.

I'm not sure which scene they're referring to, because I quietly wept my way through most of it.

War Horse takes place during WWI (you know, the war with Germany before the whole Hitler thing) and is set in rural England, Germany, France... basically wherever this horse goes. Joey the horse is born to his lovely mother, then abruptly separated from her and sold at auction to a drunk farmer who can't afford him and doesn't need him. What he needed was a work horse to plow his field to feed his family, but he couldn't resist. Joey is the most beautiful horse anyone has ever seen.

The drunken farmer takes young Joey home to his teenaged son and irritated wife. His son Albert (breakout star Jeremy Irvine) takes on the training of the horse. He will teach this delicate stallion to plow the field, he says, no matter what.

He does, although it does seem like an impossible feat. I have never seen a nail-biting farming scene in Cinema, except perhaps in Babe.

Sadly, when the crop from said field is destroyed and war is declared, Albert's father must sell Joey in order to pay rent to his somewhat maniacal landlord (David Thewlis). Albert, devastated, convinces the man who buys him, Captain Nicholls (Tom Hiddleston), to return Joey to him once the war is over. Albert is still too young to enlist, although he tries his hardest to follow Joey into battle (and eventually does, when he comes of age).

We then see the tragic consequences of the Allied choice to use cavalry in WWI. Captain Nicholls, along with the rest of the regiment, are slaughtered by the high powered German machine guns they faced. Horses are massacred as well, and those left over must either work hard, run or be killed for meat. This is war, after all.

Joey embarks on a strange journey of happenstance which will have him cross paths with young German deserters, a little French girl and her grandfather, German soldiers and men in the trenches- all who will risk their lives to keep him alive. Each person he meets is touched by Joey. Each person considers him "theirs", and each person marvels at the amazing luck he must have to remain alive through so much bloodshed.

The beauty of War Horse is almost indescribable. It is not just the stunning visuals brought to life by Spielberg and cinematographer Janusz Kaminski (Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan). It is not just the amazing screenplay adaptation by Lee Hall and Richard Curtis of the novel of the same name. It is not just the incredible acting by a cast of greats mixed seamlessly with newcomers. It is all of these things and more combined that make this film a masterpiece.

The story is so touching in large part because we feel as the characters do; Joey is our horse. There is something so much more emotional about watching an animal brave the perils of war than if we were to watch a human do the same. The incredible love that exists between Joey and his boy, Albert, is one that can transcend any war, any border, and any sense at all. Don't we all feel that way about our animals? Don't we all tear up when we hear about the cat that walked across the country to get home? Or even my dog, insanely lucky to have been rescued days before being put down when he was only 8 months old? Or me, lucky enough to have been the human to adopt him?

Now I'm just getting sappy... *sniff*.

I will make one note that this film is most definitely not for children. It depicts brutal WWI battle scenes, along with animal cruelty and abuse. Viewers need to be prepared for this, and children will likely be traumatized (as a child, I know I was particularly sensitive to films with animals being harmed). While it is nowhere near as brutal as Saving Private Ryan, I did have to tell my boss not to take his 6-year-old. If they're not traumatized, they will just be bored.

War Horse was first a book by Michael Morpurgo. It was then made into a play, originating in London and now playing in Toronto. Now, it is also a film that will no doubt garner Spielberg, Kaminski and countless others with a slew of new Oscar nominations to add to their already extensive lists. There's no doubt as to why it has been adapted so many times. The story is irresistible.

(And I promise, it has a happy ending.)

Buckle up, 2012

2012-01-09T12:15:00.001-05:00

I've never been much for big New Years parties. I suppose one day I may start being a New Years party lover, but for the last few years of my adult life I have enjoyed a quiet time at home when the ball drops. One year I actually slept through it. That was a little disappointing.

This year, alone in my apartment after returning from Christmas in Ottawa, I had an absolutely amazing time. My apartment overlooks the entire city; twinkling lights, CN Tower, Exhibition and lake all visible from my balcony. When the clock struck midnight I went out onto the balcony with my terrified dog. I had this incredible moment of happiness and calm as I listened to people on balconies all around me yelling Happy New Year to the city, the Tower lit up to the max, fireworks going off at celebrations across the GTA, and the highway nearly devoid of cars. It was like everything in this busy city, even if it was just for a moment, had stopped. Everyone was cheering, happy, smiling, laughing, kissing, and drinking. Even though I was alone, I didn't feel lonely. I felt the overwhelming peace that comes with knowing you are exactly where you need to be. The feeling of never ending opportunity before you, and pride in the accomplishments that marked your trail.

2011 was a very eventful year for me. Of course, not all of it was good, but when I look back I choose not to dwell on those things that made the year difficult but rather the things that made it fantastic (and it was). For one thing, I started 2011 in a job that I hated. A job that made me so unhappy and stressed that my hair was actually falling out, not to mention I had a perpetual feeling of panic at all hours of the day. Now, at the beginning of 2012, I work in my industry with people that (for the most part) appreciate me and try to avoid creating additional stress whenever possible. My workload is not that of 3 people, and my schedule is fixed yet flexible enough that I need not feel guilty for having a dentist appointment.

In 2011 I also got back to my passion, writing, which I have much more time for now that I'm not rocking back and forth, sobbing quietly in the ladies room of a Bay Street high rise.

I'm not one to make resolutions. I feel like people should continue to adjust and adapt their goals for themselves constantly, not just one month a year. So, going into 2012, my first goal that I do know I want to accomplish by this time next year is to finish my first book or screenplay. I know I should pick one, but I have both a book and a screen play on the go, and I'm not sure which one will speak to me more over the next 12 months. Perhaps it will be the book, which is more complete anyway. But maybe I'll have a sudden burst of inspiration and complete the screenplay first. Who knows? That's the exciting part. I just want to commit to finishing a piece of work so that I can edit it, and then potentially find a way to publish/sell it. These are more long-term goals, of course, but it's good to have your eye on the prize (no matter how far fetched it may seem).

I do have one exciting thing that I already know is happening in 2012: my first big trip ever. That's right, I've never been further than Florida, and I was too young to really remember that. I actually have only ever been outside of Canada one other time, and that was a 10th grade trip to New York City. This may be shocking to some of you who are aware of my desire to move to Los Angeles, but it's true.

All aboard! Wait... that's trains...

I have a huge list of places I'd like to travel in my life, and I hope that my upcoming cruise with my mom will help kick start my traveling spirit. We are going on a week long trip on the Celebrity Cruise Line in just over a month (eek!).

Worst fears? Losing my passport, losing my luggage, losing my iPhone, losing anything valuable, and getting bitten by a dolphin (or worse, a shark... or worse, a small child). While these are clearly rational fears, but if it's not a little scary it's probably not worth doing. We are not, however, signing up for the more death-defying of excursions at the ports. White water rafting? No. Way.

I will be blogging and attempting to vlog as much as humanly possible for the trip, so you guys can keep up with our travels and see all the cool stuff we see... digitally.

Speaking of vlogs, how much do I suck at actually doing those? As of the fall I was doing a "weekly vlog". As of right now I have posted two. I'm a winner.

So, one of goals for 2012 will be: do the mother effing vlogs and stop procrastinating! Procrastination quite literally gets you nowhere.

As for other goals or hopes for 2012: who knows? The exciting thing about life is that you never know what's around the corner. This time last year, I never could have imagined that I would be so happy and fulfilled. I'm excited to see what the Universe has in store for me, and I'm positive it will be amazing.

YouTube of the Week!

2012-01-03T11:23:00.001-05:00

I've seen a lot of trailer parodies on YouTube. I've even made on myself for an Italian Film assignment in University. They're a ton of fun to make and there are about a million out there. The problem is finding the good ones. This one actually sent shivers down my spine.

It was featured on the Toronto Star's Viral Videos blog, and still only has under 10,000 views on YouTube, but it's simply stellar.

(NOTE: you should probably watch the recently released trailer for The Dark Knight here if you haven't already in order to understand the context of this ferocious re-cut).

Young Adult

2012-01-01T21:27:00.000-05:00

Are we ever really "adults"? I have difficulty wrapping my head around the concept. Granted, I'm still new to this whole thing at (almost) 24, but there are certain moments that make me realize that my childhood is long gone.

For example, if you have started saying things like "Everyone is getting married, what's the deal?", you may be an adult.

You may also be an adult if you say things like "Does the music need to be this loud? What song is even playing right now?".

Or how about my sudden and violent hatred of every teenager I see? It's not even their fault. They're just ignorant little humans who's brains aren't fully developed... but I wish them ill whenever in close proximity to one of their packs.

At the same time, though, we cling to those teenage years as if they were somehow the best moments of our lives. We inexplicably erase everything shitty about being 16 through selective memory loss or substance abuse. All that we recall are the butterflies of first love, the feeling of promise, the dreams and hopes that had yet to be crushed, and the fact that our bodies were perfect.

Oh how I long for that body again...

Young Adult is the second partnership between wickedly funny screenwriter Diablo Cody and Canadian Jason Reitman (their first being the smash hit Juno). It presents Mavis Gary (Charlize Theron), a writer of teen fiction books from the "Mini-Apple" (Minneapolis) who is recently divorced and clearly suffering some kind of nervous breakdown (on top of blatant alcoholism).

She also has writers block, and a publisher biting at her heels.

I'm reminded of a woman I know who has been known to repeat that she "peaked in high school". Mavis Gary thinks she has this problem.

Mavis' emotional immaturity seems to be apparent to everyone but Mavis. After receiving an email announcing the birth of her former-flame's daughter, Mavis decides to return to her hometown of Mercury, Minnesota to "rescue" her ex-boyfriend Buddy Slade (Patrick Wilson) from the baby and wife (Elizabeth Reaser) which she assumes are holding him hostage.

Again, no one but Mavis thinks this is a good idea.

Upon arriving in Mercury, Mavis continues her downward spiral while former high-school loser Matt (Patton Oswalt) looks on in horror. Mavis' drunken, delusional behavior is so cringe-inducing that I actually got a migraine. It is a series of horrifyingly awkward and inappropriate social interactions coupled with depressing "single-person" moments.

I was slightly alarmed when I noticed that Mavis chugs Diet Coke straight from the bottle much like I do on a rockin' Saturday night.

Theron with Wilson and Reaser

The only really happy thing about this movie is that Mavis' dog Dolce somehow survives without food, water, walks or affection. Mavis can't even take care of herself, let alone her shockingly well-behaved Pomeranian. It's a lucky thing, too, because by the end it seems that Dolce is the only living creature that can still love Mavis unconditionally.

I doubt that most people will actually enjoy this movie. Others may not even know whether they did or not. Those that expect the same witty banter and lovable characters that can be found in Cody's other films (and books) may be disappointed. Mavis is a deplorable human being. But as Roger Ebert said of the film, she is redeemed only by how sad she is. We don't even hate her. The audience, like the characters in the film, pity her. This is especially true in moments like the films climax, where Mavis reveals secret shames and heartbreaks that lead to the demise of her and Buddy's relationship.

Charlize Theron is, as always, perfection. A fairly lovable actress herself, she manages to embody the cruel, narcissistic Mavis with a masterful and complicated style. She is rivaled on-screen only by Patton Oswalt, who really surprised me. Not only is he funny (his bread and butter), but he is the tragic hero of the story. After a brutal beating in high school, his physical disability and subsequent dissatisfaction with life seems somehow improved by being around Mavis. Mavis, in essence, lived the opposite of his existence in high school. She was popular, well-liked, and dated the hottest guy in school. But now, 20 years later, Mavis is a wreck and Matt finds himself the only one who can hold her together.

Patton Oswalt and Charlize Theron

Someone told me something interesting a couple of days ago while discussing our high school "mean girls". They remarked that, contrary to belief, popularity in high school has nothing to do with being widely liked or admired. Instead, it has to do with being widely envied and occasionally hated. It is a lording of oneself over a social system, or being smart enough to follow behind the people who do, wear the right thing, suck the right... you get the picture.

Young Adult shows how fleeting this moment is. If not for our pity of Mavis, we would hate her just as we would have in high school. The resulting work is one that is both hilarious at times, and hopelessly depressing in others. It is one of the more honest pieces of work I've seen Cody write in some time, and packs the same complicated characters I always look forward to in her screenplays. Anyone who remembers even a moment of high school should be able to easily relate to this film.

Happy New Year™

2011-12-31T22:12:00.000-05:00

Any one else getting the strange urge to buy Nivea?

Everyone should have a favourite Holiday movie, even if it's Gremlins. Mine is Love Actually, the 2003 hit film that takes place in the two weeks leading up to Christmas in London. It features a star studded cast playing characters all interconnected through the peripheries of their jobs, relationships, and other random, generally unimportant aspects of life.

Sound familiar?

This is becoming an overused paradigm in Hollywood today. Sometimes it's done masterfully (like in Love Actually, or Crash). Other times it is a hokey, sappy, generic, recycled pile of festering excrement made for the sole purpose of appealing to the largest demographic possible without actually providing any relevant story to merit their sickening box office profits.

I'm specifically referring to two films. First, the disgusting sugar pill that is 2010's Valentine's Day, and what feels like it's sequel: New Years Eve.

This is why my best friend refused to watch Love Actually with me. Why should she think it's any different? Ashton Kutcher has hijacked the holiday film.

To be clear, New Years Eve is not a sequel to Valentine's Day. It merely has some of the same actors such as Kutcher, Jessica Biel and Hector Elizondo. In some cases, it actually could be mistaken for the same film, recycling story lines and characters and making absolutely no effort to be original at all. What's worse is that while both are terrible films, New Years Eve manages to possess even less substance than Valentine's Day. Oh, and they're both directed by the same person, Gary Marshall. Hey Gar, maybe it's time to retire when you make the same movie twice in a row and don't realize it?

(The writer is also the same.)

We are quite literally bombarded with famous people in this film. The stars include Jon Bon Jovi, Katherine Heigl, Hilary Swank, Ludacris, Sofia Vergara, Halle Berry, Robert De Niro, Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Lea Michele, Jim Belushi, Abigail Breslin, Alyssa Milano, Sarah Jessica Parker, Seth Myers and (if you look at the cast list carefully) Cary freakin' Elwes.

WHY?!?!?!?!

That's the first question I asked myself, but then I realized that the answer was easy. They worked the easiest shoot of their lives (because, let's face it, with that many story lines they have a significantly lower screen time average), and probably all made at least a million dollars. It's sickening, but who can blame them.

Ebert only gave us one star!

Well, I can. It's the film equivalent to marshmallow fluff.

Basically, the story is this. It's New Years Eve.

Easy peazy.

Alright, more specifically there are a "variety" of stories going on simultaneously. Michelle Pfeiffer and Zac Efron (do we care about their character names? No. No we don't.) are trying to complete her 2011 resolutions before midnight. ~~Carrie Bradshaw~~ Sarah Jessica Parker and her daughter Abigail Breslin are fighting about New Years for some reason. Jessical Biel and Seth Myers are trying to have the first baby of 2012 to win $25,000. Ashton Kutcher and Lea Michele are trapped in an elevator. Jon Bon Jovi is trying to win back his ex, Katherine Hiegl, who also happens to be catering the party he's performing at. Needless to say none of these plots are overly compelling. They're not even moderately compelling. I watched it today and I've already forgotten the other characters stories.

The problem with the "multiple-stories-it's-a-small-world" approach to a film is that you run the risk of creating a set of characters that the audience is in no way emotionally invested in. This doesn't happen in Love Actually. It is one of the core problems with New Years Eve.

I couldn't have cared less about these irritating people. I don't know their names. I couldn't care less, and you won't either.

YouTube of the Week!

2011-12-13T17:14:00.000-05:00

It's scary to see yourself and your friends portrayed almost to perfection by a man in a wig and heels... and Juliette Lewis.

By the time I got home yesterday, I had already said 4 of these without realizing it. The video has gone SUPER viral, with 1.4 million views in just 2 days. The best part? It's going to be a series of videos, and is based on a Twitter account of the same name.

****UPDATE*****

I just read in the Toronto Star that this video is not only awesome, but also from my city! Go Toronto!

My Name is Kate, and I am a Tech Addict

2011-12-12T15:52:00.000-05:00

It's safe to say that technology plays a huge role in the lives of everyone in the modern world. Even if you're a member of what many lovingly refer to as "the Urban Amish", you still rely on technology to get you through your day.

You can't function at work without knowledge of (at the very least) Microsoft Office and the Internet. I've felt stupid putting this on my resume when I saw it in job postings, thinking that everyone should know how to use these tools by now. I've come to find that not all do, and that I have very little patience to teach them.

It's true; my generation is one of the first to have grown up with personal computers constantly at our finger tips. The evolution of the PC directly correlates with my own coming of age. As I grew, so did the computer; constantly improving, learning and growing. Now? I have a computer with me everywhere I go. I live my life on the internet. I blog about it, tweet about it, Facebook about it. I watch television online, I check the weather, read the news, play games, talk to my family, talk to people I don't technically even know...

So imagine my horror when I returned home Friday night to find my beloved 24" iMac, Stella (circa 2009), cold and dead on my desk.

She had shut herself down while I was at work. Something wasn't right. I spoke softly to her, like a nurse on TV does with an elderly patient.

"Stella, honey, why are you off? It's not sleep time, it's viral video time."

I pressed the button on the back again and again but nothing happened, no noises, no lights. Nada.

This is the moment that I realized what an integral part of my life my computer was and is. I also realized that I was a little addicted to it.

Okay, I was a lot addicted to it.

The following hour consisted of me sobbing uncontrollably over my computer, crying out in vain,

"No, please no! This cannot be happening to me! STELLA! Come back! I'm not ready to lose you!!!"

(This is in no way an exaggeration).

So while I acted out my own version of A Streetcar Named Desire, there are children in Africa dying of starvation, and men in the Middle East getting blown up. Hell, there are people down the fucking street from me freezing cold with no where to sleep tonight.

But I was sobbing over a machine.

It's more than a little shameful.

Certainly, I fear that my priorities are skewed when I cry more over a computer with a busted power supply than I did at the funerals of several relatives, but it also was very curious to me. My visceral reaction, the following day of depression, and Sunday's euphoria at finding out that Stella was still under warranty until the end of 2011; do we give these machines too much power over us?

Or perhaps we just take for granted just how much we rely on these machines to function in our day to day world.

They are intensely personal to us. They contain information about our lives that we don't openly share with the world. I'll be honest, the first thought that popped into my head was,

"Oh God, the guys at the Genius bar are going to see all the weird porn I watch."

The second:

"Oh no! I left my Sims 3 CD-ROM in there! That's almost worse!!!"

My third thought was that I had better clean the BBQ sauce off the sides.

(Despite my haphazard cleaning job, the first thing that the sullen, bearded Genius wrote under "cosmetic damage" was... "dirty".)

So I spent my weekend watching regular television on its regular schedule (the horror...), ran down my iPhone battery significantly, and even attempted to use my knockabout, 6 year old Toshiba laptop that has been living in a drawer for the past 2 years. (It managed to surf the net for a full 45 minutes before it began a crash spiral and I gave up).

So now, for the next two weeks or so (and more, when you factor in my Christmas vacation), Stella and I will be apart. It's put the brakes on my Christmas vlog plans, television catch up, and it's really put a dent in my weird porn watching schedule.

So now, sadly, I must use a piece of crap PC from 2007 who's power cord I cannot locate. However, I still have my work computer and my iPhone, plus the many other robots that quietly run my life (public transit, banks, interactive taxi televisions). We are never without technology. The real question is, when will technology get tired of us?

YouTube of the Week!

2011-12-06T15:40:00.001-05:00

This dog and I are kindred spirits.

So it's not a YouTube video, technically. Sue me.

(Please don't actually sue me)

YouTube of the Week!

2011-11-30T11:20:00.000-05:00

Generation Y (i.e. me and my friends) is starting to procreate. Look at what we have created!

I'm extremely curious to know what this kid is talking about, or who to. I'm pretty sure I heard him mention something about the Asian Markets...

In Defense of: Justin Bieber (Or: How I Accidentally Became a Belieber)

2011-11-28T13:08:00.001-05:00

Awwwww! Lookit him!

Back in May, I profiled Twilight actress Kristen Stewart and defended her after seeing a film where she didn't suck, bite her lip, or faint over dreamy vampires. In Defense of: Kristin Stewart is actually one of my most popular articles of all time (go figure!).

So this week I bring you my most difficult admission ever as I come to the defense of......... Justin Bieber.

I'm sorry, I can't fight it anymore. I love the little bastard.

I actually hadn't really heard any Justin Bieber music (besides the occasional snippet of "Baby" playing as I walk through Walmart) until about a month ago. That is, until I renewed my Netflix membership.

Netflix likes to adamantly recommend that I see certain movies, and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never was at the top of the list. Finally, when there was nothing on TV, I gave in. I clicked on it, and assumed I would laugh and turn it off in a few minutes.

I couldn't stop watching.

And reaching, always reaching for the camera

From the first seconds of that film, you realize that this teen phenom is the real deal. A kid from Stratford, Ontario (otherwise known as "that place with the Shakespeare Festival and all the swans") starts a YouTube channel. He sings some songs at local competitions, and posts the videos. A record executive in Atlanta sees his video and becomes obsessed with getting him a record deal. Kid meets Usher. Kid becomes the biggest thing since Michael Jackson.

The parallels between Justin Bieber and Michael Jackson are not lost on filmmaker Jon Chu. Speaking of Jackson's death, Justin's mother says that during the Grammy's Michael Jackson tribute when Janet Jackson spoke of how her brother had never had a childhood, Justin turned to her and said, "Never let that happen to me, Mom."

The film is obviously designed to portray Bieber in a positive light, but I don't think that it was something that was hard to do. He's a typical teenage boy, with one big exception; most teenage boys don't live on a tour bus with an entourage of "keepers", and they surely don't have swarms of girls chasing them everywhere they go. But he does have a sense of normalcy. Friends his age, toys, video games, dates, first kisses, school, all that childhood stuff. Justin's mom and grandma nag him to clean his room, his manager scolds him for goofing around on a forklift, his voice coach laughs at him when he tells her he needs to shave. He's a normal, if not abnormally ambitious, kid. But then he sings...

Anyone who tells you that Justin Bieber has no talent is clearly just a bitter hipster (hisssssss). Whether you like his style of music or not, you can't deny (especially after seeing the film) the kid can sing. He's writing his own lyrics, playing his own instruments, dancing up a storm and not lip syncing (as so many do these days). There's only one word for it: prodigy.

That being said, they still scare the shit out of me

He has that incredible ability to pick up an instrument (even at 2 years old) and instantly be able to play it. This kid was playing drums like Tommy Lee while he was still in pull-ups, and strumming away on acoustic guitar before he could even spell acoustic or guitar.

Despite myself, I was tapping my foot as live snippets from his sold out Never Say Never tour played. Girls scream hysterically, even trying to jump the stage, as he effortlessly moonwalks away. I once found these screaming fans to be the most irritating thing about Justin Bieber; perhaps the reason that I hated him. But watching the film, I suddenly remembered being 12 years old. It captures that feeling so completely that memories I had long since forgotten were flooding back.

A thousand times more shameful than Bieber

My mom bought me tickets to see O-Town (one of the worst boy bands of the millennium for sure). I loved them so much it hurt. I knew all of their songs. They were (second to The Backstreet Boys) my absolute favourite band, and my first real concert.

I remembered the intense amount of excitement, the thrill of seeing them in person; seeing that they were real. I was so incredibly happy that when I arrived home and my mom asked me how it was, I simply burst into tears. I couldn't have said anything if I wanted to: I had screamed myself hoarse.

Every woman, any age, can relate to that feeling of fanaticism. Whether it's The Beatles, Michael Jackson, The Backstreet Boys or Justin Bieber, that feeling is the same. Every song he sings is about you, every thing he does is perfect, and maybe (just maybe) you'll get to meet him one day.

Meet him they do; the best parts of the film are the Meet and Greets before the show, or when girls are brought on stage during the song "One Less Lonely Girl". I teared up, not because it was romantic (they're just children, and he sings the same song to a different girl in each city). No, I cried because I knew how amazing that must have been for that little girl.

"I just love him so much!" one sobs after leaving the stage. I thought she might faint. It was adorable. It's innocent and sweet, and I'm not a big enough bitch to hate them for it anymore.

Are you best bro's with Usher? Didn't think so.

Justin Bieber has an undeniable talent. Without it, Usher would never have taken him under his wing. He wouldn't be singing with Boys II Men, Ludacris, Miley Cyrus, Rascall Flats, Jaden Smith (son of Will and Jada), or Mariah Carey.

His albums hit #1 repeatedly. He's just released a Christmas Album, too, which is pretty stellar. I've even heard grown men admit it. Ones that aren't paid to do so. His remake of Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" is better than the original, and his newly deepened voice makes new songs like "Mistletoe" sound even sweeter.

All this, and he's Canadian. Rather than being ashamed of him, we need to embrace him for what he is: a national treasure.

If you're going to be ashamed of Canadian boy toys, be ashamed of this. Seriously, watch it back as an adult, understand the thinly veiled subtext, and then take a shower.

Or five.

Which leads me to my final point: Justin Bieber as a role model.

It's difficult to ask any 15 year old boy to behave himself, let alone set a positive example for millions of young fans. Justin, with the help of his extraordinary mother and amazing team, is doing a pretty great job. His lyrics, rather than suggesting that you blow him (like the aforementioned B4-4 song), tell his fans something else. Here's some snippets of the message his lyrics send his predominantly young, female audience:

"I'm gonna put you first, I'll show you what you're worth"

"I was born to be somebody, and nothing is ever gonna stop me"

"Whenever you knock me down, I will not stay on the ground [...] Never say never"

Alright, so Shakespeare it's not, but look at the message. If I were a mother to a young girl, the lyrics I would want her memorizing would be of mutual love and respect from boys. Or, better yet, that she should believe in herself and never give up on her dreams.

It certainly teaches her more than "Party in the USA".

Justin and his mommy

Justin's behavior and image is obviously carefully monitored, perhaps most by his mother (as it should be) who travels with him everywhere he goes. There are some incredibly emotional moments in the film between Justin and his parents that really stuck with me. The first comes when Justin's father, who is remarried with young children, sees Justin performing a sold out show for the first time. He's so overwhelmed with pride that he breaks down, turns away from the cameras and quietly weeps backstage.

A second emotional moment is when Justin becomes very ill and his team cancels a show against his wishes. He wants to perform, but irreparable damage could be done to his vocal chords unless he is forced to take a break. The fact that he is still just a little boy becomes very clear as his mother lies next to him in bed, rubbing his back, holding his hand and saying a prayer for him to get better. The next day, unable to speak, he hides his tears as he nestles between his mother and grandfather before heading to the doctor.

As for the baby mama drama that has recently come to light, I laughed for about 10 minutes straight when I heard it. Mariah Yeater, the woman who claims Justin Bieber lost his virginity to her at the age of 15, impregnating her in a stadium bathroom, is clearly a delusional money grubbing whore. Let's put aside that her "announcement" came the day after his album release. She's claiming to have slept with him during his tour. That would mean this occurred sometime around when Never Say Never was filmed. I implore you watch that film and still think that Bieber was capable of that kind of fertile love making.

Seriously...

That being said, the film does dance around Bieber's sexuality in a way that makes grown woman like myself uncomfortable (as it should, unless you're Mariah Yeater). It is a reality, though. He's a teen heart-throb. I learned through this film that magazines like Teen Beat still exist. Instead of Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Devon Sawa, though, we have the Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber. I'm sure if I were 14 years old I would want his shit. Now, though, it makes me want to take five more showers (bringing our shower total for this article to 10).

Seriously, I could do a 20-page Thesis on it

However, the film buff in me draws parallels between Never Say Never and the documentary Lonely Boy (1962), which chronicled young Canadian Paul Anka's meteoric rise to fame. It even has a segment that is re-enacted almost shot for shot where Anka/Bieber are changing before a show, and ask the camera men to leave so they can take off their pants. Anka was only a few years older than Bieber when the film was shot, and the screaming girls, sweet voice and adolescent sex appeal are all the same, even 50 years later.

I admit I was wrong to hate Justin Bieber. Having had an "Anonymous" hater (hey there, asshole!) tell me that my dreams are stupid on multiple occasions lately, I'm trying my best to not shit on the dreams and successes of others for no reason. Hating something or someone "just because" has always been a pet peeve of mine. We need to shine that light of judgment on ourselves sometimes (woah, I'm getting a little too real here).

So I say to you, bitter hipsters (hissssss): if you hate the Biebs, provide me good reason.

If you say he's a terrible singer, I say do better.

If you say you hate the phenomenon surrounding him, then you're saying you hate The Beatles. That's right. The Beatles. I hope you're proud of yourself.

If you hate that he looks like a lesbian, allow me to search your internet history. If I fail to find one clip of lesbian porn in the last 6 months, I'll eat his purple hat.

Oh, and if you don't like his music, don't listen to it. I don't like your ironic beard, pretentious art or obscure music, but I manage to resist my urge to set you on fire.

Breaking Dawn Pt. 1: A Conflicted Review

2011-11-19T22:58:00.001-05:00

Yep, I saw it. I hate myself.

I am the most reluctant of Twi-Hards. I take serious issue with a lot of the things that The Twilight Saga (both books and movies) promote. I feel like this quote from Stephen King sums up my feelings pretty well:

It's true; Twilight, in my view, provides its predominantly young readers with little to no morals to take away. If you eliminate the entire "vampire-soul-mate-undying-love" angle, here is what the story teaches us:

If you're shy, and plain, and awkward (like pretty much every teenaged girl) and a guy likes you, then there is no risk too great to take to be with him. Ignore your friends, put your life in jeopardy, repeatedly offer to change everything about yourself, even if it means never seeing your family again.

If he breaks up with you and leaves you in a forest to freeze to death, just lay down and let it happen. If that doesn't work, jump off a cliff.

If you have another much hotter friend who also falls in love with you, string him along. Everyone likes a tease. Reward him for his healthy love by ditching him when your boyfriend comes back into town. Periodically make out with him to keep him guessing, even after you're engaged.

If a guy tries to kill himself rather than be without you, that's true love. Never let him go.

Get married immediately after you graduate high school. Screw college, dreams are for ugly, single people.

Ultimatums are the things that make a relationship work. Your virginity is your most powerful bargaining chip. Let's face it, that's all you're good for, anyway.

Never use protection when having sex. He wasn't lying when he said he was sterile. If the guy is rough, you should like it. You should be bruised when it's over, or else it's not worth it. You should always have to beg your partner for sex. If you get pregnant, and he tells you to get an abortion, it's okay: turn his family against him. Eventually, he'll come around.

.......

Fucked. Up.

What's worse is that I like these books. The movies are pretty painful to watch at times, but I still see them all. Multiple times. I freakin' love this shit. I'm so, so ashamed.

So, ridiculous relationship paradigms aside, let's review this bitch.

On the next episode of Teen Mom...

We start with Edward and Bella's wedding. Bella (Kristen Stewart) is terrified, trembling, biting her lip and looking for the exit like a lamb being led to the slaughter. She powers through, makes out with Edward (Robert Pattinson) excessively at the alter and makes everyone uncomfortable. Then comes Edward and Bella's sexy-time honeymoon.

I remember reading this in the book and thinking "YES! Finally, some PG-13 shit up in here!". Thankfully, the film doesn't disappoint. Director Bill Condon was forced to re-shoot several of the "sex" scenes, however, because the NPAA thought Kristen Stewart was "thrusting" too much.

Lolz.

Then comes the awkward scene where Bella realizes she's late on her period. Edward has a tiny stroke, Bella says "that's impossible" over and over, and she didn't even pee on a stick. Everyone knows you shouldn't panic until you pee on the stick.

But seriously, maybe you should have used a condom? Did he pull that "allergic to latex" line on you? 'Cause that's bull.

At this point, Bella begins to journey into the realm of demon-pregnancy. The baby slowly kills her from the inside, and she can't keep food. She looks scary. Meanwhile, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and his pack of werewolves splinter over the issue of what to do about the baby. Sam and the tribe want to kill Bella and her unborn child, while Jacob wants to protect Bella and breaks off to form his own pack.

The birthing scene is just as horrific as in the book, and includes a very disturbing moment (taken from the book, again) in which Jacob decides to go kill the newborn baby and instead falls madly in love with her.

Fucked. Up.

There are some hilariously bad scenes in the film, unsurprisingly, where the actors are forced to read absolutely horrifically written lines. I swear, it's like watching a high school play. I could also do without the obvious religious undertones that Mormon author Stephanie Meyer has tactlessly slipped into the books. Save your virginity for marriage, then get married young, and never get an abortion girls! Ever. It's the right thing to do. Sex is dirty.

Yowza.

In the second act, though, the movie really gets into it's stride. It finally embraces the most dark elements in the books in a way that previous films have shied away from. The story examines the awkwardness and exhileration that comes with losing your virginity, and the gore and horror associated with pregnancy; and boy, is it horrific.

There is an excessive amount of gore in the last 30 minutes of the film, and a lot of CG is used on Stewart to make her appear so thin. She looks like she's come out of a concentration camp. It's a similar technique, from what I can tell, that has been used in films like Captain America and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. No, there is no way that Kristen Stewart pulled a Christian Bale.

TWO SHIRTS? Not cool.

The cast did up the acting ante. While the Cullen family largely takes a backseat, stars Stewart and Pattinson are given the chance to shine. People are way too hard on Kristin Stewart. She's really good when the writing decides to let her be. Taylor Lautner is actually amazing here, even if he only takes his shirt off once, in the first minute of the film, and keeps it on the rest of the time. He does a great job, especially in a scene near the end of the film that fans will be excited for. I'm really excited for him to flush out the whole "in love with an infant" thing in Pt. 2.

I feel icky typing that.

In the end, I did love it. But the film is bittersweet for fans (even reluctant ones like me). Before it even started, I felt disappointed. It's not a full story, it's only half. Much in the way that The Deathly Hallows Pt. 1 left me feeling incomplete, so does Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. This is not Kill Bill. Movies like this are not stand-alone, and leave the audience feeling like they've watched half a play and were told at intermission to come back 6 months later, pay again, and see the rest.

And I will pay again, because I can't help myself, but I'm not happy about it.

Like Mad Men... with Planes.

2011-11-18T22:15:00.000-05:00

If you don't find this hot, you're dead inside.

I love TV. I have a few shows that I am fiercely loyal to, and I often find that the new Fall lineups for most stations just frustrate me. Finding the hidden gems can be hard. There are a few that have really caught my eye this year, including New Girl, and 2 Broke Girls. Having become bored with some of my other, more serious, shows (I've fully lost touch with the plots of both Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives) I have some space. I filled that space with (in my opinion) the best new show on television right now: Pan Am.

Pan Am had the unfortunate luck of coming out at the same time as Playboy Club, a collosal failure attempting to jump onto the Mad Men bandwagon which was quickly cancelled. I wouldn't be surprised if viewers inadvertently lumped the two together in their minds. It also was marketed heavily, and not in a way that was creative enough to live up to the actual show. One cool thing they DID do, though, was send me a post card in the mail plugging the show. But they could have done more. Boardwalk Empire had an old Model T driving through the streets of Toronto during its premiere week.

All this aside, Pan Am actually delivers the goods. Yes, it is also taking advantage of the new love of retro on television, but it actually can stand up against shows like Mad Men. What differentiates the show is its predominantly female cast who simultaneously operate as the height of male fantasy and relatable, strong women that female viewers will appreciate. Sprinkle in a few dreamy, cocky pilots and you've got yourself a pretty good program. What makes it better, is that the writing is superb. Creative plot lines involving dangerous locales, espionage, and ill-advised love affairs are exciting, but don't feel out of place.

Christina Ricci as Maggie

Christina Ricci stars, but is not the focus. The cast is a true ensemble, with equal time dedicated to all the womens' stories. Ricci plays Maggie, a free spirit with a shady past who gets on the bad side of management on a regular basis. Sisters Kate (Kelli Garner) and Laura (Margot Robbie) run away from home to become stewardesses, and then find it puts some stress on their relationship. Garner, in particular, has been given a juicy role and rises to the challenge everytime. She had me in tears on more than one occasion. Collette (Canadian Karine Vanasse) has an interesting back story as a French war orphan that continues to be explored, and her endlessly caring heart makes her one of the most endearing characters on the show. Pilot Dean Lowrey is played by the ever-so-sexy Mike Vogel (The Help), who I have a feeling will finally hit super star status very soon. He literally makes my mouth water. Troubled by the abrupt abandonment of his fiance, Lowrey is the youngest pilot at Pan Am and definitely the most unorthodox one. His co-pilot Ted (newcomer Michael Mosley) looks like he walked straight out of a Bogart film, and I love it. He's arrogant, crude, and lusts after the stewardesses (one in particular).

Set in the 60s, the show also tackles a variety of era-specific topics including racism, conflicts around the world, and (of course) sexism.

I can't say enough about how much I love this show. But here's the issue: the show is facing cancellation if it doesn't up it's viewership. It does average about 6 million viewers, which is pretty good, but there are still rumours it may not be able to hold on for Season 2 renewal.

There are shows that deserve to be cancelled (S#$T My Dad Says, anyone?), but let's hope that ABC realizes what a gem they have on their hands, and let it get the momentum it needs. Check it out, Sundays at 10 PM on ABC (or CTV for you Canucks like me).

Watch Your Ass, Academy!

2011-11-10T03:00:00.000-05:00

I have been worshipping the Academy Awards ever since I was a pre-teen and decided that I wanted to win one. Now, as an adult, the Oscars are like my Superbowl (and yes, I still would love to win one). This year, the show will actually fall on my birthday. Oh joy of joys! Here's the problem: it looks like they're making a bigger mess out of it than the past two years combined. You guys were on the right track with Hugh Jackman, what gives?!

The last two years were a mess. First we have Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin, two men funny in their own right, but lacking in comedic chemistry, and with a distinctly older fan base. That pisses off all the young people like me who love the Oscars, but are annoyed when even their mom finds them dated.

But Martin and Baldwin had a movie out that year. A terrible movie, actually. A movie with Meryl Streep (my favourite actress of all time). It's Complicated must be very bad indeed, if it makes actors of that caliber appear so foolish. So, to get more butts in seats, the studio more than likely paid big bucks to get the two male stars hosting.

But that wasn't as popular as the Academy had hoped. Let's face it, it's not SNL, it's the Oscars. So what did they do? They got the two youngest, hippest people they could think of to host together. Those two people were Anne Hathaway and James Franco. Franco is a self-professed stoner and experimental artist who had a hit movie out at the time, 127 Hours. Hathaway is the new Hollywood treasure, and also had a movie out Love, and Other Drugs (appallingly overrated). Do these two people have talent? Yes. Do they have chemistry together? No. Do they have any business hosting the Academy Awards? Hell. No.

When that failed even more miserably, further alienating the younger members of the audience and pissing off the older ones with their terribleness.

Then, this year, they had Eddie Murphy slated to host.

Um, the 90's called.... they want their comedian back.

What exactly were they smoking? Has everyone forgotten about Norbit???

But like the last few stinkers, Murphy has a big movie (Tower Heist) out this fall. It has minimal buzz, an expensive price tag, and (odds are) is probably as terrible, if not more terrible, than Love and Other Drugs and It's Complicated combined. Murphy has been washed-up for some time, personal life issues and poor film choices have plagued him ever since his successful role as Jimmy in Dreamgirls (2006).

The Oscars were not only to be hosted by Murphy, but Tower Heist director Brett Ratner was also producing the show. How much did they pay for that deal? Granted, Ratner is a household name, but the whole idea of the cast and director of a B-comedy slithering in to helm the iconic Oscars, a celebration of excellence in film, makes me feel dirty. Apparently this feeling was warranted, seeing as Ratner has now stepped down, quickly followed by Murphy, following a series of highly offensive gay slurs and other inappropriate sexual mumbo-jumbo that escaped his lips during interviews this week. That problem took care of itself, didn't it?

Not so, it seems. Entertainment Weekly is now confirming that that Ratner has been replaced by.... the producer of Tower Heist, Brian Grazer.

*Facepalm*

They have yet to announce the new host. But I'm going to take a quick gander at the cast of Tower Heist and make a few guesses.

My money will be on Ben Stiller (which will either be painful or hilarious to watch), Casey Affleck, or if they're feeling particularly suicidal, Matthew Broderick. God help us all.

Here's the part that pisses me off the most: they've had the perfect host ready and waiting for years. They even made a joke about it during the 2010 show, and yet still ignore the masses begging for him.

Psst.... I'm awesome

His name............ is Neil Patrick Harris.

Why do people love Neil Patrick Harris? Well, he's gorgeous, openly gay, he's married, he has twin babies, he's hilarious, he stars on one of the hottest shows on television, he stars on Broadway, he's Dr. Horrible, he's friends with Nathan Fillion, he's friends with Ellen Degeneres, he's in all the Harold and Kumar movies (as himself), and (lest we forget) he's Doogie freakin' Houser.

Not to mention that he's successfully hosted both the Tony's and the Emmy's already. His fan base is massive. Everyone loves Neil Patrick Harris. Old ladies, babies, Republicans: he's a sure-fire hit.

If the Academy actually does (FINALLY) realize that NPH should be their host, then I will regain my faith in them and what they're doing. Until then, I'm sorry to say: they are on notice.