Soul-Searcher

A Tribute To The Moffatts Part 1: My All-Time Favorite Band

2017-02-19T05:46:00.000-08:00

Before I get into the details of the concert, I need to give a tribute to the moffatts, my all time-favorite boyband. So watch out. This post is going to be a bit long as I will be taking you to a journey of my fangirl "yesteryears".

I know we all have a bit of a story when we became a part of something. This is how I became a fan of The Moffatts.

As a kid, my life was all anime, fiction books, and... music channels! Yes. Back then, MTV and Channel V were my addiction. If my favorite anime wasn't on, our television was always on MTV or Channel V. That's the reason why even if I wasn't fond of a few 90s singers, I still knew their songs by heart. 90s was that era when you know most songs simply because you were always tuned in to MTV and Channel V. In my opinion, if MTV and Channel V are still decent music channels now, Myx wouldn't have taken the spotlight. It was nothing compared to the glory days of these two music channels.

So anyway, I couldn't pinpoint the exact date. All I can say is, I didn't like The Moffatts when I first saw their music video I'll Be There For You (Vid Source: RunawayRun89 on Youtub ) back in 1998. Hmm... it was petty (well, most kids think this way!). I just didn't like that they're called The Moffatts. I felt like they were trying to be Hanson (I didn't even like Hanson!). I "dislike" Scott the most even and I didn't know why. It just felt that way. But then life has a way of turning everything back on us. The song kept reverberating in my head for quite a while (it's catchy! Come on, admit it!). And then just like that, I found myself listening to the song over and over again every time it's played on the radio and on the music channels. I also started to find Scott cute of all people. I was in denial even. Until I could no longer deny it (childhood drama, ya know). By the time they released Miss You Like Crazy (Vid Source: kwangbencha on Youtube), I had fallen in love with the band and with the oldest of the brothers. FML. Story of my life.

Photo From Pinterest

You couldn't blame me. Oh no, you couldn't. They're a group of four cute brothers and I was twelve. That was the time when every girl started having their serious crushes (puppy loves). Other than that, the song was really good. I'll Be There For You was something that will capture your attention even if you just listened to it for the first time. Oh come on. The "Na na na na, na na na, na na na na" would have gotten to you even if you're not into boybands with cheesy songs.

And they offered something different. I was used to listening to Spice Girls and BSB. They were simply singing and dancing to songs. This band played instruments! But their sound wasn't heavy unlike rock bands. And they had cool hair! That long blonde streak was just too much for me. (Yeah, yeah. Scott Moffatt fan here. Sheesh.) It's Scott's fault that I actually switched from appreciating Nick-Carter type of hair to long hair on boys (It stuck too! Ugh. Your fault, Scotty. Totally blaming this on you).

My mother never supported by fangirling. Ever. Back then, we were struggling with money. My parents were working so hard to allow us to study at a private school. And things such as albums and magazines were considered as trivial by my parents so I didn't have anything. I remember saving all of my allowance in school just so I could buy a weekly songhit (that thin songbook in the 90s) which always featured them. My mother never knew. I always went with my aunt in the market so I could sneak buying one. Well, that was until she found my stack of songhits (I had about 45 pieces that time. Each songhit caused 20 pesos) and she just let it go. She still gave me the stinky eyes though.

Finally, before the end of 1998, she pitied me and brought me Chapter 1: A New Beginning, the album.

Photo Credits to Amazon

I was so happy! My goodness, I kept playing the album (it was a cassette tape) until it gave up on me. In less than two months, it was destroyed. Destroyed in a way that while it was playing, the music kept jumping from loud to soft. It had sounded as if someone was playing with the volume while it was rolling. It didn't faze me. I still kept listening to it even though everyone was annoyed.

My obsession continued. I knew all the lyrics to their songs and I kept watching all of their music videos. Remember the days when VJ Donita still hosted MTV Request? MTV episodes had replays in the afternoon and I watched them without fail just so I could watch the request for the Moffatts. They're favorites back then. Almost every day, there's a request for a Moffatts' song. I remember making MTV requests every day. I haven't sent them because the post was expensive, but I ad a collection of unsent crafts for MTV Requests. My Aunt told me once, "God, you are so obsessed with that band. You need your head checked". It was an ouch, but so what? It didn't stop me.

I had to admit it was kinda hard to fangirl during those times. As a 12-year-old girl, my resources were limited. We weren't that rich so buying tickets for the concert was out of the question. There was no mobile back then even! No social media! I had to rely on featured articles and television guestings. Most of the time, I was too late to know about a certain event. I have never seen them in person. Not once. I haven't even hear them sing live. I only fed my thirsty and hungry heart with the weeks late magazine articles. And every time I read about fans catching them in restaurants, television shows, and tour buses, all I could think of was, "Damn. They're so lucky."

By the time If Life Is So Short (Vid Source: geeahne on Youtube) was released, I was desperate. If Life Is So Short captured the attention of the whole world as it became number one on the MTV Hitlist. It was a melancholic song, wasn't it? But just like Miss You Like Crazy and I'll Be There For You, it's a catchy song that would echo in your head for weeks. And the boys really looked like heartthrobs by this time. Their instrument-playing skills also improved drastically. That guitar solo by Scott after the second chorus was amazing! I wanted them to come back and maybe I would have the chance to finally meet them. I didn't.

Crazy (StewieGriffin008 on Youtube) was released next. Crazy was a song that always captured my heart. It's a crazy melancholic funny song that suits every mood. I mean really. It's a song that you'd want to dance to. It's a song that would make you want to jump on your bed and be crazy and then realize after you had to clean it all up. It's a song that would make you laugh and want to destroy things at the same time (okay, this was probably my teenage angsty self saying this). But yeah, you get my drift.

And then Girl Of My Dreams (Vid Source: halaryloha on Youtube) happened. The energy waned to something mellow that once again soothed my heart and made me want to fall in love again and again (I hate teenage hormones). That's really how I felt! I kept listening to the song and kept making googly eyes at Scott. I loved the UK Version the most. The boys in bed and looking wet. Yup, every teenage girl's wet dream. I meant... dream. But seriously, that Scott guitar solo in the beginning was enough to make me swoon (That's... a guitar solo, right? And it's Scott's and not Clint's? Because my world will be shattered!). This was probably the peak of my Moffatts' obsession. I couldn't go back.

1999 came and I was surprised by the release of Until You Loved Me (Vid Source: geeahna on Youtibe). The thing about this song is, it was a soundtrack for Never Been Kissed (my all-time favorite chick flick). I think the boys matured a bit in this. Their music was still pop rock, but there's a bit of an edge there that hasn't been present in their previous songs. They also developed a bit of a swag. By this time, the boys looked sexy as hell. It's as if they're preparing us for an edgier Moffatts in the coming days. I had a copy of this album. It's the US version, if I'm not mistaken. I wished they had released Raining In My Mind (Vid Source: hanzanne on Youtube) though. I love that song so much.

Misery (Vid Source: themoffattsfan on Youtube) surprised me. It also supported my hint that the Moffatts were gearing towards a change of direction, whether it be about their looks or their music. Misery brought out the maturity in them. The music was angsty, deep, and a little bit rebellious. It's as if they finally had enough of something and were willing to release what they've been keeping inside for so long. Having been a fan for a long time, I could feel this change. And I would be honest and say that it both scared and excited me. The teeny boppers were gone and were replaced by men who knew what they wanted when it came to life and music. Misery did well, but in my observation, not as well as the other past singles (the highest it reached in the MTV Top 20 was top 10. BSB's Larger Than Life entered the top 20 behind the Moffatts, but it went straight to top 5 and then eventually to the top spot while The Moffatts remained in no. 10).

And then The Moffatts were quiet for a bit. I just saw a little sneak peak of them in an interview, but they wouldn't say anything. All I noticed was that Scott had a haircut. It was shorter than his hair in I'll Be There For You. (I know! It was all about Scott! I'm A Scott Fan, okay?!)

2000 came. And the Moffatts came out in a music video with another cutie. Gil Ofarim! I loved that song. If You Only Knew (Vid Source: MoffattsVideoHQ on Youtube) was a bit cheesy. And the video was even cheesier. But who would say no to a video full of long-haired cuties?! Half-kidding. The song was really nice too. I love that it was simple, but with a tune that stayed in your head.

From Pinterest

And oh. Do you remember this song? I remember falling in love with this because it's a very touching song. And it's a collab among artists of the 90s. Let The Music Heal Your Soul (Vid Source: HsmZanessaFansite3) by Bravo All Stars.

From Youtube

And then after that... still in 2000... it all went... BANG... BANG... and then finally, BOOM!

I just made a pun, didn't I? Anyway, I was totally blown away. I had a feeling it would be a huge change, but I didn't expect it would be this huge. Bang Bang Boom (Vid Source: Vitomenz on Youtube) totally caught me off guard. There's the edge right there! That rebellious nature was finally released and it was shown through their music and their looks! It was a bit strange at first and I was having a hard time accepting it (Seriously. They all went from Boys-next-door to Men-I-Want-To....Next Door). But my love for the band prevailed so I still bought their Submodalities album. Although I have to say that it was really a huge change. I thought Bang Bang Boom was probably my most favorite in there.

When Just Another Phase (Vid Source: MoffattsVideoHQ on Youtube) was released, I finally said goodbye to the "Old Moffatts". It's a whole new different group here. They found their new music and it's "them". As a fan, it's a bit hard for me to move on. But I knew they have grown. And seeing them perform their new music, I knew they were more comfortable with this, most especially Scott. And so all I could ever do was to support them.

Their first release in 2001 was Walking Behind (Vid Source: Enzo Bianco). I didn't think it has been a huge hit. I think (I wasn't sure, okay) during that time, fans were still torn about what to feel. So we were "experimenting with our feelings" if that even made sense.

Until Who Do You Love (Vid Source: MoffattMusic on Youtube) followed right after. I'm unsure about what the other fans felt, but for me, that song brought back that excitement. Yes, it was rock-ish, but it had that touch of the soft side of the Moffatts. It was as if they were willing to compromise between the reaction of the fans and their need to become something new. Ugh. This song always gives me the feels.

They had a Submodalities tour, which I failed to attend again (my third, fourth frustration).

And then....

...they were gone. Just like that! They vanished, didn't they? I couldn't hear anything from them anymore after that. I remember marathoning Youtube videos of their past songs because I was having major sepanx.

I didn't have closure, you know. I just felt that I suddenly lost a huge part of my life and I mourned for a bit. Westlife helped in healing that part. But The Moffatts' part in my heart has never been replaced. It was always there.

For years I haven't heard anything from them. I think, I even moved on. Just like I said, Westlife helped in that. My focus was on them. Even when Clint and Bob came back as Same Same, I wasn't able to support them as I would have if there were four of them. I even heard that Scott has been doing solo work. And while I knew it wasn't probably their fault and I couldn't begrudge them that, I felt a little betrayed that we were left hanging.

But then I knew that we all had to move on with our own lives, so that's what we all did. As fans and as artists.

And as time went by, I started listening to their songs again (nothing can beat 90s songs. Ever. At least for me). I knew that if they would have a reunion concert (Westlife started it. Then BSB followed, am I right? Then every 90s boyband started having reunion ceoncerts so I felt a little hope that they would have one too).

Last 2016, I saw a post because I have been tagged several times. It was asking if Moffatts fans wanted a reunion concert. I didn't know if it was true. It circulated online and everyone was talking about it, yet no one was sure if it was legit. I remember asking friends to check it for me, but no one could assure me that it was true.

And then last October, I saw this:

Manila Concert Scene

It's been 18 years. But with the way my world stopped, I knew that I wasn't over them. Has never really been over them. And will never really be over them.

I knew I had to go no matter what. And that's when I proved to myself that I will always be a true Moffatian at heart.

The Vardøger --- NOW AVAILABLE IN AMAZON KINDLE!

2016-01-27T08:38:00.000-08:00

Excerpt:

Blood red hair spilled at the sides of his head, framing his delicate facial features, stunning green eyes the color of forest after a rain shower, straight nose that no plastic surgery could ever achieve, and pinkish-red small lips soft and glossy, begging for attention. Though tall and fit, he wasn’t as muscular as Gene. He’s rather slender-looking, almost graceful, which added to the already-long list of his androgynous features.

He looked very pretty and he wasn’t even at his best yet.

Slowly, and in dreadful recognition, Roseus’ eyes widened with horror. He does look like a girl.

Letting out a dramatic sigh caused by his sudden acceptance of a certain fact, Roseus tied his hair into a low ponytail and tucked his white button down inside his dark denim jeans. Alfonso did not appreciate him wearing jeans, preferring slacks instead, but as usual, Roseus didn’t concede. Everybody but his parents wore jeans nowadays. Jeans are for the masses don’t hold true anymore, something which his parents still believed. Roseus preferred jeans. Jeans were way more comfortable than slacks in everyday activities. The best he could do to appease his father was to at least look smart casual. Roseus always wore a button-down with jeans.

Satisfied that he looked more presentable, Roseus immediately proceeded to the study, not wanting to be caught loitering in the hallway when his father could already be calling for him.

Upon reaching the entrance, Roseus was about to knock when something caught his attention. From the corner of his eyes, he saw something white and blurry appear at the other end of the hallway, leading to the grand staircase. When he turned his head fully, it wasn’t there.

The hairs at the back of his neck rose. Did he just see a ghost?

Forgetting he needed to be at the lobby of his father’s study by now, he turned away from the double doors and slowly walked towards the end of the hallway, his heart drumming inside his chest. There was an internal debate going on inside him. He couldn’t hear anything, but the goosebumps on his skin tell him that there was something there.

A gush of cold air blew as he neared the corner, making him want to just get the hell out of there and ignore what he thought he saw.

But his male pride wouldn’t let him.

His heart started to beat faster with every step he took towards his destination. Upon reaching the end, he took a deep breath, mentally counting from 1 to 10. And before he could change his mind, he abruptly leaned in to peek at the corridor.

He screamed.

She has the blackest eyes he has ever seen.

You can order your copies here: The Vardoger

God Wrote My Love Story in Kanji --- now available in Amazon Kindle!

2016-01-27T08:34:00.002-08:00

Excerpt:

I rubbed my eyes with my knuckles and turned to look at the actual view on the other side because no one’s blocking my view now—

—only to find Introvert Guy, who was sitting on the row opposite our row, looking straight at me. He was asleep a while ago, but German guy probably bumped into him as he’s occupying the aisle seat, waking him up.

I blame it on a force of nature. Maybe it’s because of the cold autumn weather. Or maybe it’s because of the beautiful countryside view—

Because I smiled at him.

Shit.

I. Just. Smiled. At. A. Stranger.

Fuck.

I didn’t get to see his reaction because I immediately looked away after my stupid act. I calmly put on my earphones and closed my eyes just as German Guy came back. I couldn’t be more thankful. He just blocked Introvert Guy from my sight and vice versa.

I enjoyed my bliss for 40 minutes before it was taken away from me again. German Guy, the businessmen, and the group of friends got off Shinagawa station, leaving me alone with Introvert Guy.

Great.

Well… it’s not like he’ll start a conversation with me… right? I mean he’s wearing a mask. Even though I can’t see his hair or his eyes, I think he’s Japanese. Maybe he doesn’t even speak English so I have no reason to worry. And Shibuya is not that far anymore. Even though the train just stopped and the intercom just announced that there was a coming train so we needed to wait a bit to change train lanes (are they even called lanes), Shibuya’s the next station.

Right?

Oh, man. This is the reason why people think I’m weird. Why do I always need to convince myself with… myself?

Slowly, I turned my head towards Introvert Guy.

And he was, again, looking at me from behind those sunglasses.

Time stopped. It felt like a scene from a sci-fi movie.

I was snapped back to reality when he suddenly moved and looked like he was about to stand up and talk to me.

I, of course, panicked. So I stood up earlier than I was supposed to and proceeded to the luggage bins, thanking my lucky stars a bit later that I did, because I needed to dislodge my luggage from its cord lock.

Damn these cord locks. Ah. There you go. Success! Now, all I need is to bring this thing down and—

I felt the luggage being lifted off my hands and onto the floor.

It’s him. I know it’s him. After helping me, he didn’t say a word and just silently stood beside me, near the door, as the intercom announced we’ve arrived at Shibuya station.

And so my conscience decided to nudge at me, the traitor.

I cleared my throat, successfully catching his attention. He angled his head to face me.

“Ah… thank you very much for helping me… with my luggage,” I muttered in English. I wanted to speak in Nihongo, but no Nihongo word came out.

He simply stared at me—as if he’s deciding whether I was being sarcastic or not—and it made me uncomfortable. But he finally nodded after a short while, and turned his gaze away from me.

I inwardly sighed with relief—that’s one worry gone. And by the time the train completely halted, I was already focused on another problem—forcing my determination to resurface.

This is it. Don’t get scared now. I think I just quoted Kevin McAllister from Home Alone.

When the door slid open, Introvert Guy moved aside to let me exit first. What a gentleman,I can’t help but think. The Japanese are really naturally polite and kind. I received nothing but smiles and the willingness to help from them since I landed at Narita Airport.

I nodded my thanks and walked past him with my huge luggage in tow.

And it’s when I heard it.

“No English, huh?”

I turned towards him right after I got out of the way, but he’s already walking towards the station stairs with his backpack.

You can order your copy here: GOD WROTE MY LOVE STORY IN KANJI

Omotesando

2015-03-13T09:20:00.001-07:00

Meiji Jingu

2015-03-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

NHK Bridgeway

2015-03-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

NHK Grounds

2015-03-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

Shibuya At Night

2015-03-13T08:33:00.001-07:00

Yoyogi Park

2015-03-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

Akihabara

2015-03-13T07:18:00.002-07:00

Why Tokyo's Making Me Experience Reverse Culture Shock Depression -- Day 3

2014-11-20T03:47:00.002-08:00

DAY 3—Wednesday--- November 12. 2014

Omotesando, Harajuku, Takeshita Dori, Meiji-jingu, Yoyogi Stadium, Yoyogi Park, NHK Studios, Hachiko, Shibuya

Wednesday was a challenge. I researched beforehand and knew that the places we were to visit were just walking distance from each other, but I didn’t expect it to be that… er… distant.

We started the day early—we left around 7 am. I learned my lesson and geared up for the morning coldness. I still didn’t wear a wool hat, but at least I had my layers and a scarf. And I was glad because it was particularly colder that morning.

We walked towards Miyamasuzaka Shita Crossing and turned right towards the Meiji Dori Avenue. From there, we started our long day.

There were already a number of people on the streets and majority of them were in a hurry even though it’s just barely past 7 and I heard office starts mostly at 9 am. Still, Japanese Time habit is indeed so different from Filipino Time habit. The four of us made sure to walk on the left side so we won’t bother those who were in a hurry.

There weren’t a lot of stores opened at the time except for Starbucks, but it was still a pretty sight because the streets were so clean and there were interesting things to see. You can see a huge Forever 21 store beside a huge H & M store. There were a lot of other foreign brands we saw as we walked along the avenue.

I was a bit disappointed because Harajuku St.’s shops were still closed. I was wallowing so much in my disappointment that I didn’t even look at the other side—Togo Shrine was located there. GAH.

So we walked back halfway to Tokyu Plaza and crossed the intersection (right) leading to Meiji-jingu. (If we hadn’t crossed and turned left, it will lead to Omotesando Hills, Kiddy Land, and the Oriental Bazaar). It was still a long walk from the intersection. We rested a bit at a small island park before crossing the streets towards Meiji Temple (Note to those who haven’t been there: There’s no entrance fee)

MEIJI TEMPLE

There was a huge torii gate in front where tourists flocked to have their photos taken (which was actually the first torii gate—there’s another one inside--- a kilometer away from the temple itself).

The journey to the temple was a bit rocky--- literally and figuratively. We walked on small stones, which didn’t help our feet (believe me) and even though it’s colder in Disneyland than in Meiji, we had foggy breaths. We can see wisps of cold smoke coming out of our mouths.

Halfway to the temple, you will see a small establishment on the right where souvenir shops and restaurants were located. Along the path towards the temple, there was a display of huge sake barrels.

The second torii gate was about 200-300 meters away from the establishment. Upon entering the second torii gate, we've seen an exhibit of Japanese plants and flowers. I am not sure whether there’s still an exhibit during other seasons --- probably not in winter and in summer.

Before entering the temple (there’s a third torii gate), a ritual needed to be performed. One has to cleanse the hands and the mouth in order to be worthy of entering the temple and to be reverential.

It was my first time to experience paying respects to a temple. The temple in Macau didn’t have the same ritual. There were guards stationed at the innermost temple as the visitors pay respect. There’s an instruction on how to pay respect by the temple so you need not worry about doing it wrong. Just remember that it’s a sacred place--- a place of respect, humility, and solemnity—and you will do fine.

By the side of the temple, there were the wooden blocks where you can write your wish and the blocks will be hanged in there. It was 500 yen apiece if I remember it correctly. But you can also just write your wish or your prayer in a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope along with a donation. They have a wooden box for them. There’s a ritual where they will be offered.

You can buy charms right outside the main temple---a charm for good luck, love, good health, and many others.

Before trekking Yoyoki Park, we stopped by the small establishment for lunch. And it’s the first time I’ve tasted seaweed soba--- it tasted really good! And I was able to buy a kimono for just 6,780 yen!

YOYOGI PARK

Among all the places we’re visiting. Yoyogi Park was the one I was most excited with. We have very few parks in Metro Manila—the most famous and most common is Rizal Park--- but it is located beside one of the busiest avenues in Metro Manila where pollution and heavy traffic are constant, probably affecting the park to “bloom as a magnificent park”.

I’ve seen Yoyogi Park in Japanese TV shows. Recently, I’ve seen its beauty through a Shounen Club Premium episode. The famous JE Idol Group, KAT-TUN hosts it and the first episode was shot from inside the park all the way to NHK studios, which was just across from the park.

Since it was autumn when we visited it, the park was at its most beautiful. The colors of the leaves have varying colors of red, orange, green, and yellow.

It was like a place in a fairytale.

The park was huge and you can definitely step on the grass. There was a place for bird watching, but birds make me uncomfortable so I didn’t go there. There was also a beautiful lake with fountains. Ah, it was paradise for a writer! If we didn’t have limited time, I was so very tempted to just sit on the fallen leaves and write until it was dark. Or maybe by the benches near the lake.

Oh. And there were crows everywhere! They won’t attack you, but they fly near your heads. They flew near my family, but they never went near me. They probably recognized their master-- *cough* Maleficent *cough*. Sorry, can’t resist. xD

I truly didn’t want to leave. When I go back there next year, I’ll set aside two days in Yoyogi Park just so I can write.

Yoyogi Stadium was just across Yoyogi Park, almost beside NHK studios. It was huge and its dome architecture was exquisite. We did not go inside though. Seeing its magnificence nearby was enough.

NHK STUDIOS and NHK PARK

We crossed a bridge (lined with beautiful autumn trees) towards the NHK grounds.

Upon arriving at the other side, we decided to rest in a store where ice cream was being sold. I “chatted” with the very kind (here I go again) girl staff (yes, I was finally able to use some Nihongo skills though our 30-second conversation merely revolved around ordering ice cream and talking about how delicious it was). YES--- the maccha ice cream was delicious!

It was only for a few minutes when salary men crowded the store for their late lunch so my brother and I decided to walk towards NHK studios. We stopped halfway (won’t elaborate why) so I just had my photo taken beside its side building (which wasn’t even the main building. GRRR). I truly refuse to elaborate because this was still a sore subject for me. NHK was one of the reasons I loved the itinerary for this day, but I wasn’t able to see its full glory or--- gah. Stop.

So we treaded our way back to Harajuku to find Takeshita Dori, which according to research, is where teenagers hang out for fashion, JPop merchandise, and food.

TAKESHITA DORI

Takeshita Dori is a strip of street a few meters after JR Harajuku Station.

It was full of people--- foreigners and locals alike--- but the majority were high school students.

Clothing shops (including cosplay shops), shoe stands, jewelry stores, bag shops, tattoo shops, JE (Johnny’s Entertainment) Shops where Idol merchandise can be purchased and where I was tempted to go (I need my 赤亀 or just my亀 fix), crepe stands, candy stands, and the 100-yen shop (Daiso) lined the street.

In short, Takeshita Dori is a shopping haven even for those with a tight budget since the shops cater to teenagers the most.

HACHIKO

Who could forget the famous dog whose loyalty to his master was admirable, touching the hearts of people? It’s located just across Starbucks in Shibuya Crossing and right in front of Shibuya Station where, during that time, there was a huge billboard of Kanjani8 (Ryo-chan!!!!!).

Though I guess since Hachiko’s a constant figure in the lives of the locals, the area surrounding him has become a smoking area.

SHIBUYA… AGAIN.

Come on--- it's Shibuya! We never got tired of Shibuya at night--- there are just so many things to see, people (fashionable or not) to observe, streets to explore. Walking around at night has been one of the highlights of our vacation. It’s actually the reason why I chose to stay in Shibuya—it’s a city that’s most beautiful at night.

Link to Day 2:

Day 2--- Tokyo Disneyland, Shinjuku, Shibuya

Why Tokyo's Making Me Feel Reverse Culture Shock Depression--- Day 2

2014-11-17T00:57:00.001-08:00

DAY 2--- Tuesday--- November 11, 2014

Shinjuku, Tokyo Disneyland, Shibuya

There are different ways to reach Tokyo Disneyland. First is by driving (but this is probably for the locals unless you have a lot of money to spare so you can rent a car); second is by train; and third is by bus.

If you choose the train, you have to ride the JR Chuo Line Rapid Train from Shinjuku station to Tokyo Station and then transfer to JR Keiyo Line or Musashino Line to Maihama station. Disneyland is in Maihama.

We chose to ride the bus--- it’s more expensive, but it’s less of a hassle. We took a cab to Shinjuku station (to the New South Exit Terminal) to where the buses to Disneyland were stationed. Here’s the link to the schedule of the departure from Shinjuku and from Disneyland--- http://www.tokyodisneyresort.jp/en/access/bus/shinjuku/index.html

Upon arriving at Shinjuku, there’s a machine where you can get the bus tickets to Disneyland (it costs 800 +). It’s in Nihongo, but there’s someone stationed there who will help you. He merely asked how many we were and he was the one who touched the screen to push the buttons.

It was a 50-minute journey from Shinjuku to Tokyo Disneyland.

The park tickets can be purchased from the stalls right after the inspection booth. It’s 6,400 per adult. The very friendly staff will also provide you with maps after asking you if you want the Nihongo version or the English version.

I have been to Hong Kong Disneyland and it’s far bigger than Tokyo Disneyland, but I love Tokyo Disneyland more. It’s really the people—they made the atmosphere extremely welcoming to the point that you can call it “home”.

It was sooo cold in Disneyland. If it’s already that cold in Shibuya, it’s twice in Disneyland and I was just wearing a thin denim blouse and a scarf. I refused to wear anything because that was my OOTD for the day and it was only in Japan that I took the OOTD thing seriously. Thank God it seemed like Japan’s weather was good for my allergic rhinitis and I never even experienced signs of colds.

Our first stop was the grounds before the castle because there was the Parade of Stars. People sat by the sidewalk with the sidewalk mattress, which can be bought there. The four of us used Disney maps, which were given by a kind staff (I know I kept saying “kind”, but that’s really how they can be described). There was no pushing or pulling or Hey-I-Can’t-see moments because there’s a place for everyone in the sidewalk. Also, they have this place for disabled and old people so they can watch the parade without the hassle of a crowd.

The theme this year was of course, Christmas. It was a beautiful parade and very lively. Although I wasn’t able to enjoy the last part of the performance because my bladder was complaining from all the coldness. (Serves you right, baka)

Our next stop was Cinderella’s Fairy Tale Hall--- an exhibit of Cinderella’s life story. There was a throne at one end and a display of her glass shoe. I refused to sit on the throne or even wear the glass shoe just because I am not a Princess--- I am either a witch or an evil fairy.

It’s A Small World was as usual fascinating. It’s a boat ride that tours you around the world. This year’s theme was Christmas Around the World, which showcased how different nations celebrate Christmas.

We had lunch at one of the benches because all restaurants were full and we’re all hungry! The shrimp burger was simply delicious. O_O

Our last stop before we decided to leave was Toon Town where Mickey and friends reside. I have to share another Japanese People kindness in here.

Mickey’s House has a long line--- it was like an enrolment at UP Manila. Upon reaching the house, Mom’s cramps attacked her so she and Dad told the staff by the door if they could just leave. The staff agreed and led them out.

When Otouto and I entered the house, we were approached by said staff a few minutes after she led our parents outside and told us we’ll have our picture taken with Mickey in 20 minutes. Mickey was still in the parade (second performance of the day) so we had to wait. We told her we can’t since we needed to leave immediately so we can go to our parents. The staff kept approaching us several times inside the house to tell us to wait because we will have our photos taken with Mickey. My brother and I were both clueless and just let her be. What we didn’t know was--- the Manager of Mickey’s house and the same staff already approached our parents, asked my Mom how was her legs, and fetched them so they can have their picture taken with Mickey alongside us. We were surprised to see them at the end of the house tour. We didn’t get to have our picture taken with Mickey at the entrance of the park because there was a cut-off, so we’re really happy to have our photo taken with him for free.

And Mickey Mouse kissed me on the cheeks--- yup, and with a sound. What’s it with Mickeys and me? The Mickey in Hong Kong Disneyland held my hand as if he was my boyfriend. xD

Anyway, the staff couldn’t probably read this, but I still want to thank her and her manager for being very kind and friendly and helpful and--- I should stop.

Otouto explored the other side of Disney alone because I was feeling bitchy about the cold and because of Mom’s feet. The a**hole managed to see fascinating things and I was a bit envious. There was Tom Sawyer’s Land, an Indian Village, and a Nightmare Before Christmas haunted house (I could have found my throne in there, damn it).

We left Disneyland at around 4:10 via bus to Shinjuku station. I was a bit relieved to finally rest from the coldness. Being inside the bus felt like being inside a heater. It was far colder outside.

We reached Shinjuku at around 5:15—it was already dark though. We decided to take a cab since Shibuya is just 4.5 kilometers so it won’t cost us much. We also had a bit of a funny encounter with the cab driver, which actually caused my Basic Nihongo knowledge to be of use.

Mom had a hard time explaining to the driver where in Shibuya we’re staying. My brother kept telling her to say it’s near Cross Tower. The Cab Driver even had to stop at a corner to look at the map. We spent about two minutes just looking at the map. Dad kept saying it was near Cross Tower; Mom was doing the same. The Driver couldn’t understand.

So I finally intervened and told the driver it’s Kurosu Tawa (Katakana pronunciation). And the driver went “AH! KUROSU TAWA!”

So we arrived at Cross Tower in less than five minutes. Xd

We were too tired to explore Shibuya so we resulted to another Conbini dinner, which wasn’t bad at all actually.

Oyasuminasai!

Here's the link to day 1 where you can find information regarding the transportation from Narita to Shibuya and other trip information based on my experience.

Tokyo DAY 1-- NAIA, Narita, Shibuya, Shibuya Crossing

Note: Please ask permission before you use the photos--- my brother and I own them. Thanks.

Why Tokyo's Making Me Feel Reverse Culture Shock Depression --- Day 1

2014-11-15T05:36:00.000-08:00

For five days, my family and I got to enjoy Japan through its capital city, Tokyo.

Initially, it had been a tough choice between Osaka-Kyoto and Tokyo. We only had five days to spare to fit my brother’s schedule (damn him). I would have chosen Osaka because it’s where Hogwarts lie (me and my Potter obsession) and if there was anything constant in me, it’s being a Potterhead. But due to “matters of the soul” reason, I had chosen Tokyo. Since the beginning of 2014, Tokyo has been calling for my soul for a reason unbeknownst to me and I just had to surrender when I finally had the chance.

So Tokyo it was.

I’ll try to make this blog entry a useful one for future Tokyo Travelers and not like my usual feelings over experience blog entries.

So this time, I am starting with the trip preparations and our DAY 1 experiences.

PLANNING FOR THE TRIP

Planning a trip to Japan is not difficult, but it needs thoroughness and hard word. By hard work, I mean research. Research is the key--- the weather, the transportation, the places, the customs (so you can avoid disrespecting the locals, etc.). If I didn’t do research beforehand, we wouldn’t have enjoyed Tokyo as much as we have because we’re either busy getting lost or experiencing culture shock.

1. VISA

The passport is a given fact--- you can’t travel outside your country without a passport—so I’ll talk about VISA.

Some say that Japanese VISA is hard to obtain. It probably is, but that wasn’t our experience at all. There were a lot of requirements, but they’re not difficult to obtain if you have initial records (NSO Birth certificate, Bank Certificate) and some can be easily done by you (Trip Itinerary and Japanese VISA-sized photographs). You should visit the Japanese embassy website or the Japanese embassy to get hold of the complete list.

VISA is obtained through accredited travel agency. You need not book a tour with them; you can just apply for Japanese VISA.

The processing usually takes five working days, but we had a confirmation after two days. Our travel agency liked to scare their clients a bit and told us prior to the confirmation that they would give us a call, but they will not indicate whether we were approved or not. My brother had to get our passports on his way to work and voila--- Japan VISA was already placed in our passports!

Just make sure you submit ALL requirements and *murmurs this part-- MAKE SURE you have enough money in your bank account to prove to them you won't starve to death or go TNT there*.

Having your VISA approved was only the beginning. Now you had to book for your tickets.

2. TICKETS

We booked our flight through Cebu Pacific. I must admit that if we had more budget, we’ll book through PAL or Cathay Pacific, but Cebu Pac isn’t so bad. It’s not like you need all the luxurious things in an airplane. So if you’re on a tight budget, book through Cebu Pac. The flight cost us Php 87,000.00 with tax.

We booked a flight to Narita Airport Terminal 2 from NAIA Terminal 3. I could have chosen Haneda (which was cheaper), but I wanted to experience traveling from the main airport so—yeah. We booked during the Autumn season (second week of November) just because Japan is most beautiful in Autumn.

After booking your flight tickets, you still have another thing to do--- start praying that there will be no typhoon both in Japan and from where you come from. Sometimes, weather is the number one buzz kill for travelers.

So now you have your tickets and your VISA--- next is the place to stay.

3. HOTEL OR APARTMENT

Hotels in Japan are expensive if you’re travelling as a family of four. Most hotels don’t

have rooms for four people (usually, three's the maximum) and my mother wanted us to stay in one room (that had been a huge problem in finding a place to stay; definitely. Mothers. Tsk.).

So we decided to try an apartment in Shibuya. Why Shibuya--- because it has everything! You can

just explore it at night after you’ve gone on a day trip somewhere. Shinjuku was ideal too, but I was

warned about the complicated train system there and I’d rather not waste time in getting lost inside a

train station again and again. Plus Shibuya is just a walking distance to most attractions in Tokyo.

We got our apartment through Airbnb. com. It cost us Php 38,000.00 for four nights. It was small

(don’t expect large spaces even in hotels if you’re not paying for a suite or something), but it was

decent, clean, comfortable, and nice to live at. Usually, your host will ask you how many beds you

prefer. Since the space was small, we had a double bed for my parents, a sofa bed for me, and a futon

for my brother. There was ample space to move around because the beds were strategically located.

The apartment came with the basic comforts of a home--- a kitchen, a bathroom (with a tub and a

shower), and appliances like TV, microwave, toaster, extension cord, pocket wifi (which you can

bring everywhere), and even a blow dryer. Temperature for the shower can be controlled through an

electronic device in the wall outside the bathroom. The only thing the apartment didn’t have was a

toilet seat heater and it was sooooo cold in Autumn.

4. TOUR PACKAGE

The next most important thing you have to decide on is whether you’ll get a tour package. Tour

packages are convenient and would have you worry less about things such as transportation and

places to stay, but it’s more expensive.

AND… you won’t get to experience Japan in its pure sense, which will be a wasted opportunity.

Let me explain. I had been to just a few countries--- Hongkong, Macau, and Singapore. For my

Hongkong-Macau trip, we had a tour package. I enjoyed it and was glad for the convenience.

Hongkong was a city and there wasn't a lot of new things to see (although you'll enjoy it if you have

money to spare as it's a shopping haven). For my Singapore trip, we didn’t have a tour package and I

spent the whole three days whiny and being moody (thanks to my friends who were my victims). My

feet ached a lot and I was a bit disappointed because Singapore is a modern city—there were

beautiful things there, but I am more of a traditional cultural experience person. We spent three days

in malls and buildings. If it weren’t for my friends and Universal Studios, I would have been bored. I

guess this beautiful city’s not for me.

Japan is different. I would not have still enjoyed if we had a tour, but then I would have missed a lot

of experiences--- riding the public trains; walking from one tourist spot to another with our time in

our hands, eating Japanese street food, etc.). Despite deciding on staying at another city (Tokyo), I

knew there will be so many things that would interest me. So we discarded the thought of the tour

package and explored the city on our own.

AND WE HAVE NO REGRETS.

5. PLACES TO VISIT

Research is the key-- I just need to emphasize this. This is how I made the itinerary for our Japanese Visa application and this is how we enjoyed Tokyo. I suggest (if you have very limited time like us—five days or rather just three and a half actually) exploring Shibuya, Shinjuku, Harajuku, Yoyogi, Asakusa, Ueno, and Akihabara.

6 BUDGET

This is important. Tokyo is an expensive city. A bottle of water (400 ml) from a conbini costs 150 円( (symbol for yen), which is about 65 Php and a bread costs 340 円, which is about 150 Php。

What I did was to make an excel file for our projected expenses. I found out that riding a cab

was not ideal. The flag down rate was 750 and a subway ride from Shibuya to Asakusa via the Ginza Line (17 stations in between as they’re the first and the last stations) was just 280 per person.

From my projected expenses (before the trip), these are the things that would eat the money like greedy gluttons:

- N’EX (train from Narita Airport to Shibuya) --- 1,500 each (a half-price discount for foreigners—one way. The return trip tickets will be of regular price, which is 3,300 each)

- Tokyo Disneyland One-day Passport tickets (6,400 each)

- Tokyo Disneyland transportation via Bus from Shinjuku (back and forth is 1,700 each. We could have taken the train and changed stations, but I was traveling with the parents (one easily get cramps while one has gout) so we needed to use the most convenient transportation).

- Food (I limited our budget to 1,500 per person per day-- which was totally impossible as what I just found out after the trip). Later in this entry, I will post the actual amount we spent on food.

- Cab (I thought maybe we would get lost in the way and we needed to resort to a cab)

DAY 1--- Monday--- November 10, 2014

Narita Airport 2, Shibuya Station, Shibuya Crossing

NOTE: Day 1 recounts the overwhelming hospitality of the Japanese people and the first taste of being in a first world country *from a third world country resident’s POV*.

We arrived at NAIA Terminal 3 at around 12:30 am. Our flight was 5:25 am, but since we figured we can sleep in the airport, we left the house early.

Filipinos were sprawled in every corner--- lying on their backs, using their bags as pillows and their sweaters as blankets. NAIA Terminal 3 was treated like a house. I hope they’ll just add more seats to prevent this.

Anyway, we checked in at around 1:30 am. One of the guards said Immigration won’t be open until 3 am so we decided to have an early breakfast. By the way, refrain from exchanging your currency at the NAIA airport--- Narita airport has a lot of banks, which will give you your money’s worth.

At 3 am, we passed by immigration, who just asked what our purpose was and our current jobs, and then we passed by the security scanner. I was glad I wasn’t asked to removed my boots, because it was hell to put them on again.

We waited for a few more hours. Our flight was not delayed this time—probably my first experience of non-delay from Cebu Pac.

*There’s a time difference between Japan and the Philippines with the former ahead by one hour. The flight is about 4-5 hours though*

We arrived at around 10:30 am (Seeing Mt. Fuji through the plane window was an overwhelming experience or maybe it’s just me because of the said pull I was experiencing prior to the trip, which was actually the impetus for the trip) at Narita Airport Terminal 2.

The first thing I noticed was the presence of the airport staff at every corner we passed. Their very purpose was to greet tourists with sincere smiles and an accented Welcome to Japan. I already felt at home even before I reached Immigration.

I had my first experience of a modern Japanese toilet at the airport—the one with the controls on its seat arm. I pushed the Flush sound and I panicked when I didn’t know how to turn it off! So I just turned the volume low and exited the cubicle calmly. GAH.

A friendly senior citizen staff led us to the immigration (again with a sincere smile). There were also four staff assisting tourists with the lines so it wasn’t chaotic and it was fast as all counters were open (calling NAIA’s attention--- there were more closed Immigration booths than open ones). The staff in the Immigration booth was polite and was patient as she guided us on how to correctly press our fingers into a scanner and where to face during the required head shot.

After immigration, we picked up our luggage and went to purchase the N’EX Direct Ticket (counter is just in front of the luggage claim area). The N’EX Direct ticket is a one-way ticket to Tokyo’s major stations. Make sure to ask for a Direct Ticket so you’ll have a 50% discount. Just present your passports. You don’t have to worry about getting lost--- the staff, whose purpose was just to help tourists navigate their way inside the airport, were everywhere. A woman staff even carried my father’s luggage for him. I was truly touched by these people’s hospitality.

We arrived at the N’EX Platform 15 minutes early and I had my first taste of the chilly air. It was C-O-L-D even with Mr. Sun’s glaring presence.

N’EX arrived on time, which was of no surprise since all of Japan’s transportation arrive at the exact time they're announced to arrive.

N’EX was like an airbus except you can charge your gadgets because it has seat plugs! It was also fast; maybe not as fast as a shinkansen (which I wasn’t able to ride because there was no opportunity), but it was a smooth ride.

Upon arriving at Shibuya station, we had no clue on what to do. We decided to take the elevator first and then go from wherever floor we’ll arrive. There was a woman waiting for the elevator with a child in a carriage. Since she arrived first, we motioned for her to ride the elevator. But she insisted on us riding first when she saw our luggage. Did I just say I love the people?

When we arrived at the second floor, we were overwhelmed by the station names. We were given specific directions by our apartment host and yet we could not even determine where the exit was. We had to ask a staff from a store, who has limited English, but had done everything to point us to the right direction.

After a few more minutes of being lost inside the station, we finally managed to exit. We landed inside a mall and had to once again, ask people directions. We even managed to find Filipinos who tried their best to help us, but to no avail.

Our savior came in the form of the Mall Security guard. He asked people for us and helped us locate it in the map. He was a big help, but we were still a bit lost. We had to cross a bridge with our luggage (remember to stay on the LEFT SIDE when you walk on streets or cross the bridge) and argued a bit because we were tired and hungry and our feet were aching.

At around 2:30 pm my brother found the location a couple of blocks away from Cross Tower’s Starbucks. It was located in a nice neighborhood and in a quiet apartment complex.

At 4 pm, we decided to explore Shibuya at night. Shibuya station was actually just five minutes away from our apartment by feet.

It was cold. So cold and windy. But the coldness wasn’t harsh—unlike the artificial coldness you get from air conditioner. In fact, the cold was soothing and was like a gentle caress in your skin.

My parents were startled by the large number of people crossing Shibuya Crossing and the lights. I was too, but I was busy looking at the music video of Akanishi Jin being played at one of the screens (Yes, I’m a fan and it made me feel giddy just to realize that I’m breathing the same air as my favorite Japanese singers).

The famous Starbucks in the Lost in Translation movie was there at Tsutaya building. Beside the building, there was a small street leading to food stores, clothing shops, souvenir shops, etc. There were mascots on the street who gave free stickers and free photo ops. There were Ikemens (beautiful guys/hunks) and non-Ikemens persuading customers to go to their stores. The women all look as if they’re about to walk down the runway--- I felt underdressed compared to them and it was the first time I prepared an outfit for every day. And darn—what I’ll do to obtain such naturally flawless skin!

After two hours of roaming around the area, our feet finally gave up and we got hungry. Since we wanted to rest, we decided to try our first conbini food.

The conbini food in Japan is very different from the conbini food in the Philippines. They have a lot of food choices and they actually taste like real food. I can eat conbini food every day if it tasted like those in Japan!

We went to bed early--- or rather my parents, while I tried to find a Japanese show with familiar faces. That was the only time I was able to see 亀梨和也. Poor me.

Day 1 is done!

Oyasuminasai!

Note: I own the photos-- please ask permission before you use them. I nicked a lot from my brother, but I asked his permission and he won't sue me so...

Of Public Marriage Proposals

2014-09-24T06:57:00.000-07:00

I have nothing against public marriage proposals, but I am definitely not a fan.

Before anyone reacts negatively--- I used "I", which means I didn't consider anyone's opinion while I was writing this because it's MY OPINION and mine alone.

Minutes before this blog entry, I have seen the news stating that John Prats proposed to Isabel Oli. A few weeks ago, Chiz proposed to Heart. Prior to that, Dingdong proposed to Marian. Months before, JC Intal proposed to Bianca Gonzales. And a year or two ago, some of my guy friends proposed to the love of their lives.

In public. Or at least in front of a number of people.

I admit I was a bit touched (in the case of my friends because well, they're my friends, DUH; and in the case of Dongyan-- am not a fan of Pinoy, nonfiction love teams, but they have this explosive chemistry since Marimar), but I know that if it happens to me, the guy will hear a resounding NO. And probably a whisper of "Fuck you" before I leave him on his knees, the asshole.

Let me just say this to the guy or girl--- when you're thinking of proposing in public, don't think about what you'll do ONCE she/ he said yes; think about what you'll do IF she/he said NO.

It's a risk. And it's not all flowers and rainbows.

But that's not the point. And the point has nothing to do with bitterness about love at all.

So what's the point? Here's my point:

"Why?" Someone might ask. "Why don't you like public proposals? They're so sweet and romantic and every girl's dream."

I would roll my eyes, as always when I think the question sounds pathetic, and then:

"Because it's the proposal of forever", I would simply answer. And in my mind, I'll add another sarcastic remark just because I am me-- "then if it's every girl's dream, why am I considering it a nightmare?"

There you go. While I would enjoy people watching me marry the man of my soul, I would prefer it if no one was there when he ASKS to be the man of MY soul; the man of MY "forever". I want no one to be there with us other than the two of us.

It's my moment, our moment, and it's something that I don't want to share with anyone at least during that particular moment. Call me selfish, but I want to see him and hear him as he is--- without the pressure of hidden spectators ready to come out any time the moment I say "Yes"; without the pressure of hidden cameras or videos to capture the moment. I want to see him make a fool of himself as he gets nervous so he starts acting like a cute idiot. I want to hear him stutter his words of forever to me. I want to see him trying so hard to act calm even though I know he's jittery inside.

I want the purest moment--- no audience, no camera, no props. I just want him--- baring the deepest desires of his heart and his soul to ONLY ME.

So yeah. A public marriage proposal might just be the most romantic thing--- too bad for me that it's NOT for me.

Oh. But if Josh Hutcherson suddenly proposes to Jlaw or Tom Felton suddenly proposes to Em Watson--- then I'll probably eat my words at least for a day.

If He Unconsciously Breaks Your Heart, Will You Tell Him or Will You Just... Hide?

2014-04-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

101 Days of Heartbreak Series--- Book 1: Letters of Heartbreak

101 Days of Heartbreak Book 1: Letters of Heartbreak

2014-03-31T02:09:00.000-07:00

PROLOGUE

Dear Kamita,

There is a twisted similarity between a dream and a reality—the other one is a lie that you want so desperately to be a truth while the other is a truth that you sometimes want to be a lie.

I do not know what I want.

Embracing a dream often feels soothing and wonderful. It’s an escape. A temporary dimension our minds create so we can forget.

But it always ends.

Accepting reality isn’t a walk in the park either. Reality is often blunt, straight to the point, brutally honest.

And it’s there to stay.

Therefore I do not know which hurts more--- the truth or the lie.

I had a realization a few months ago. A realization that I wished just remained as jumbled thoughts which I cannot make sense of. I prefer the clutter than the clarity. The clarity was harsh. The clarity was reality.

I’m in love with you.

Surprised? I surprised me too. When I first felt the signs, I had panicked. I considered you my friend--- a really special friend but just a friend nonetheless. You were special in a different yet unromantic way.

You’re special because we’ve met in the oddest of circumstances and then reconnected a few years after. You’re special because you are loved by millions while I am just an ordinary person and yet we became friends. You’re special because our relationship was special; that even though we’re separated by a few miles, culture, and lifestyle, we’re still friends. In other words, you’re really a special friend. A friend who is special.

So when I woke up one day and realized my heart is beating so damn fast because of you, I wanted to spontaneously combust right then and there.

This couldn’t happen, was the first thought that came to me. I panicked so much I felt like I was about to became deaf because I was shouting the words inside my head.

I know I think too much, but I also know what this unwanted feeling could bring. Our friendship is already complex in a way. Adding love, a one-sided one at that, into the mixture and it might just… explode and vanish.

I can’t take that. You are so important to me.

But I need to do something. I have this instinct that whatever I am feeling won’t vanish like how I wished them to do. I needed something that will at least help me cope with this.

So I had to leave. Just for a few days. Only my sister knew where I am. After all, she’s the one covering for me.

I do not want you to know about this. Not now; not in the future.

So here I am, writing the last of my unsent letters to you. It’s a cowardly way, but I’d rather be a coward than lose you. I know there are a lot of dramas, movies, books, and hell, even fanfiction that cater to best friends being lovers (even though we’re not really best friends), but it just cannot happen to us. This is reality; not a dream.

So I wrote you letters. A letter for each day that you took a piece of my heart with you. And as I look back, you’ve been taking a piece since that day. The first cracks of the first days were minor—unnoticeable; even untraceable. They were merely results of plans gone wrong or untimed consequences. It was the latter cracks that finally shattered my heart into pieces. Because they involved feelings I refused to acknowledge before.

101 days. I will be gone for 101 days. I need to feel and to not feel. I can only do it if I vanish.

I will allow myself to grieve and heal for 101 days. When I come back, I will be ready to bury all these unsent letters that I wrote you. When I come back, you will never even have a clue that I had feelings for you. When I come back, you will never know I had move on.

When I come back, I will completely let go.

Love,

Ateera

Read more at: 101 Days of Heartbreak Book 1: Letters of Heartbreak

Why I Decided to Become a BUM

2013-10-10T03:47:00.000-07:00

Note: This is to celebrate my one year of being officially unemployed. Read on.

October 5, 2013--- my first year anniversary of being a semi-bum. I should be celebrating, getting wasted and singing the night away with the few special people who can put up with my oddity--- but then again, who celebrates one year of being unemployed?

Definitely not me.

It’s been a year since I left my last job as Corporate Advertising and Communication Specialist/Writer/Internet Marketing Specialist (I still refuse to call myself Marketing Specialist) for a real estate company. Time flew so fast. It seemed like only yesterday when I collected my last paycheck and shed tears as I left the office I considered home for two years and eight months.

Was it hard? Yes.

Was it practical? No.

Was it the right decision? No.

It was definitely the WRONG decision. But I never regretted it. Because finally, I felt like I am going the RIGHT direction by making such a WRONG turn.

Let’s start with the long back story.

WHEN IT ALL BEGAN

I knew I wanted to be a scientist when I was still a child. I never knew then that I would need Math brains for it and I officially suck at Math. I can write a perfect paragraph in a minute and still can’t solve an algebraic expression in an hour. No, I don’t really suck at Math that much, but my mind automatically shuts down whenever it encounters numbers.

My dreams were a bit blur at first, you see-- I didn’t know it was writing I was passionate about. While my mind was set to being a scientist, I failed to notice what I really love doing. It started as drawings. Just simple drawings of people doing their every day routine.

Until I realized the drawings were a succession of events and that I was talking while drawing them, creating a story in my mind.

It didn’t take long for the drawings to vanish. Suddenly, I wasn’t content with just thinking and speaking it; I wanted to read it.

Thus begun my hunt for unused notebooks. Late night scribbling and a whole day of daydreaming started and no one could stop me. However, my dream of becoming a famous scientist is still at the peak of my mind, concealing the deepest desire of my heart.

I still wanted to be Archimedes.

WHEN IT BECAME CLEAR AS MY SNOT WHEN I DRANK PLENTY OF WATER

It was in Grade Four when I had the epiphany.

Readingbecame one of my favorite past times. I remember reading all of my books even before school started so that when the teacher asked us to read a particular story/ topic, I wasn’t excited anymore. So it’s when I decided to learn the function of a library.

Every day. Every single day I brought home a book from the Hardy Boys Case Files or the Bobbsey Twins. Every day I solved a case with them. Sometimes I swam with Moby Dick, hid from Frankenstein, and ate… er drank with Dracula. And when I was on my lighter days, I joined Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield in their school girl problems.

My dreams of being Archimedes is starting to get boring. Soon, it was nothing but a remnant of childhood idealism.

I continued to read books of all kinds (except Rated-R ones because my Mom would have killed me) and it didn’t take long for my appreciation for words to became absolute adoration. While some artists became fascinated with colors, I became utterly fascinated with letters. Letters that when combined with imagination created a vision so clear you find yourself transported to another world.

Just like that, I wanted to be one of the creators of those worlds.

I suddenly wanted to become a Dante Alighieri.

The dream strengthened in high school. I became part of the newspaper club and yearbook staff, authoring stories, poems, and articles and became a playwright for classroom mini plays and batch plays. In addition, I started writing fanfiction, to which I owe my current little set of literary friends and enthusiasts online.

The dream never wavered in college. The fanfiction writing continued (with the addition of improved grammar) and then the start of serious writing. Serious writing meaning I started creating my own stories. Fanfiction was nice and… therapeutic to write; still is, but there is nothing more fulfilling than creating your own stories… and having someone appreciate them.

To Alfie Saniel, one of my blockmates, I have never forgotten this statement of yours. It was during Soc. Sci.1, in one of GAB rooms at CAS, UP Manila.

“Naiiyak ako, umpisa pa lang. Isara mo nga yan.”

I was quietly re-reading a draft of my story while waiting for the professor. I didn’t notice she was peeking at my notebook from behind me. Whether she meant it or not, it was an inspiration. It was a simple statement. But then, I never forget small words and acts of encouragement. Never. Because those simple words and acts of encouragement built the foundation for me to pursue my dreams.

WHEN I STARTED TURNING MY BACK ON WHAT I CALL THE DREAM

Practicality. It’s the main reason why I let my dream lie dormant.

I came from a middle-class family. We get by okay, but not well. We have enough, but very little spare. Right after graduation, I grabbed the first job offered to me. For experience.

“For experience.” It was another phrase that hindered me from pursuing after my dream.

Regrets. A touchy subject.

The only things I don’t regret were the new people who became special and being able to make my family happy even if it was just a few appliances at home or a treat once in awhile. Other than those and a few experiences, I have plenty of regrets--- I regretted not waiting for my dream job. I should have waited for the offer of the publishing companies where I applied. I should have started writing my first fiction. I should have applied more. So many I should haves.

For four years, I postponed it. Because I need to have more corporate experience. Because I need money. Because it’s impractical to take a risk.

Sadly, they were all true, but the question now is—when? When will I pursue that one thing that can make me the happiest career person alive-- when I am old and wrinkly or when I am again too practical and too busy gaining corporate experience to realize again that my dream is what will make me happy and it is what I have wanted for the longest time?

WHAT MADE ME DECIDE TO JUST SAY “TO HELL WITH IT. I’M GOING AFTER MY DREAM AND THAT’S NOW.”

I just woke up one day, went to work, and finally realized I’ve been doing routine things all my life and I needed a change. A big change. A risk, but a risk worth taking. After all, it has been postponed for too many times already. Maybe it’s time for me to finally give my DREAM a chance.

The next day, I passed my resignation letter.

My parents were supportive, even if a bit skeptical. I guess it’s because of the guilt. Somehow, deep inside, they knew it has always been my dream all along.

My true friends were all supportive. No questions asked.

The others? Well. I don’t expect a lot from them really. They have always been the negative force driving my self-respect and self-confidence right to the edge of the cliff. Too bad I promised myself I will never let them get to me this time.

The harshest thing I heard from the past year when everyone learned why I left my job was this:

“E paano ka magkakapera niyan?” A statement uttered so bluntly and with disdain that I could have cried. Why? Because the truth hurts. Money, unfortunately, controls most of the things in this world.

But I didn’t cry. I remained silent. Every time I hear about such comments, I keep quiet. Quoting from Sidney Sheldon’s Master of the Game, “I handled them with quiet dignity.”

I started baby making right after I resigned. For 9 months, I endured migraine, insomnia, and back pains while my parents endured my mood swings and silence. I often hear my dad complain

-- “Parang wala naman tayong kasama sa bahay.” I was just in my room. Starting at the walls. Talking to myself. And writing. I only come down for meals and for some chores. I was a house hermit for 9 months.

Finally, after discarding five plots and a total of thirty chapters, it happened. I felt like a pregnant woman giving birth (not that I actually experienced it). The pain was obviously excruciating, yet you still keep pushing. And when it’s finally out, an in between tired breaths and tears, you are deeply relieved, proud, and at your happiest as you gaze at your creation--- your baby.

Two months ago, I gave birth. I gave birth to a 150,000- word manuscript which title I have researched so much about yet I still do not know how to pronounce. I had one beta reader. A very good friend named Davie. And her comments stuck with me.

This came from an email she sent me:

“Overall, I like it because it made me realize a lot of things. It caused my morals battle with my emotions and that rarely happens! It made me feel a roller coaster of emotions. You made me feel how every character feels by the way you write.”

And she sent me these tweets right after:

“I see YOU in your work.”

And

“There’s a battle of heart and mind inside me because of your #mostawaitedsoontobesensational book. #cantgetovertilthismorning.”

I had tears in my eyes.

It was never about the positive words or praises--- it has always been about the feeling of being able to evoke such emotions from your readers. Whether I made someone cry, laugh, or get angry after they have read my stories, their reactions still made me happy. Because I was able to touch them with my words.

It was a risk. It still is. I do not know if or when I will get a publishing contract. I’ve been waiting for two months now. I have a lot of replies giving me hope and two of them were from an agent and a publisher abroad (Yes, no replies from LOCAL publishers). But until I have the signed contract in my hands, I will never be sure. The butterflies in my stomach are constant reminders that I don’t have it in my grasp yet.

So here I am, still waiting, still writing, still trying my luck.

With no money and no career.

Yet. (Mind you, I WILL succeed.)

But I am happy. Because despite all the negative things surrounding my decision, I am proud to say I finally had the courage to do something about my dream.

Have you?

ELECTION 2013: To Vote or not to Vote?

2013-04-03T05:39:00.000-07:00

Warning: This entry contains more questions than answers.

What does “vote responsibly” actually mean? Does it mean being a responsible citizen and vote for the sake of voting or being a responsible citizen and vote for the right candidates?

That is where my problem lies--- who exactly are the rightcandidates?

I’ve been a registered voter for 8 years now. I will admit that I didn’t have this much predicament in the past--- which names I will write in my ballot. For the previous elections, I have always seen a couple of candidates who were sincere enough and have that desire to serve the nation. They had been enough for me. I wasn’t satisfied, but at least a couple of candidates with good intentions are better than none. At least we have a David to fight a Goliath—a small chance, but a chance nevertheless. The upcoming elections should’ve awakened that tiny hope deep within me--- that we will have another batch of politicians who can truly serve the nation and uplift our way of life; that we will have another set of leaders who will not just rule but become true servant-leaders— but no; the upcoming election is giving me the creeps. I feel like I was about to take my final exams before graduation and I haven’t reviewed. Will I just trust my stock knowledge or leave my test paper blank?

Trust. A big word just like love. Whom should I trust? I couldn’t even find one candidate who has that sincerity to serve the nation. Influence is one thing and I don’t care about that. I’m looking for that sincerity-- because it’s in that sincerity to serve the nation where small, but good and attainable plans could start. Plans that can, albeit gradually, change the Philippinesfor the better. Small steps are enough as long as the assurance is there that destination will be reached. I’d rather see the Philippines move their way slowly to the top than listen to empty promises saying they will immediately bring the nation to its pinnacle when all it has reached was the ground where it started.

The Promises. I’ve been hearing the same promises again. Let me tackle them one by one, okay?

Education. I graduated from the UP Manilalast 2008 with the tuition of almost 6,000 per semester. I had been lucky not to be covered by the 300% tuition fee increase per unit or else maybe I wouldn’t have been able to finish college. Yes, maybe, because I know my parents wouldn’t have stopped finding ways just to let me finish my studies.

Years passed, I had jobs, my family’s lifestyle had vastly improved, and we’re doing quite well, but what happened to the education budget? It didn’t get better. If it did, STFAP would’ve been abolished and UP’s tuition will go back to how it’s supposed to be--- free for those who need quality education. And this doesn’t just apply to UP; this is also happening to other state universities.

Edwin Lacierda had mentioned in a speech related to Kristel Tejada’s death that the budget for state universities and colleges was increased last year. Let’s say this is true, but is it enough? I think the answer is clear. IT ISN’T. Education is a right and will always be a right.

On to the next one--- Employment. Statistics from the government, once again, always say that the employment rate vastly improved. But again, where is the proof; where are the proofs? The tambays in every corner of the neighborhood, watching passersby and hoot-calling? The drunkards causing chaos at every sari sari store because they let alcohol consume their brain cells? The growing population particularly in the lower classes? Or maybe it’s the increase in crime rates? Are those indications of the rise in employment rate? So many questions, so many vague answers. So many palusot coming from the mouths of the supposed alleviators of the causes of poverty.

Ah. This next one’s good--- public roads, highways, and anything related to public transportation. Every time there is an upcoming election, road repairs are suddenly as common as tambays. After election, road repairs still remain as road repairs until the next election. What to say, what to say?

How about the increase in fares? Let’s make MRT as an example. Soon, they say, MRT’s fares will increase. I, as one of those commuters who use MRT for convenience, hope to feel that convenience a couple of months after the fares increase. By the way, I am also still waiting for those new trains.

Let’s see--- Education budget increase + High employment rate + Improvement and repairs in Infrastructures should be equal to economic improvement.

Did our economy improve? Can you feel it?

Ah. More questions.

The government keeps saying the economy had vastly improved. Again. Let’s say this is true, but how should we know? Who should feel this improvement first? The members of the upper echelon of the society whose definition of poverty is a drop in the stock market? Because I, who belongs to the middle class level, am not feeling any improvement, what more those who are of a lower class?

Now, now--- which names to put in the ballot?

See, that’s still my problem. Every time I see an ad of any of the candidates, I cringe. My mind keeps shouting “Plastik! Plastik!”. Every television ad, every poster, every radio ad--- all of these just add to my doubts. The contest nowadays seemed based on a longer, catchier, therefore more effective ad—it became a contest among ad agencies and not anymore among the candidates and their dedication to the positions they applied for.

Ah. What a long tirade. And I find I still haven’t answered my own question. Should I vote for the sake of voting or should I be true to myself and just stay at home and wait for the winners who will probably just win out of popularity than out of the services done for the country?

To tell you all the truth, I'm still reluctant to vote. Why? Because I’m afraid that once I put the name of a candidate I don’t trust in that ballot, the future of the Philippines will be as full as my current (draft) list of deserving candidates (at least for me).

An empty piece of paper.

FIX ME-- A PhilJess Fanfic

2013-01-04T04:11:00.002-08:00

I've been writing fanfiction since I was 14. Except that I didn't know it was called Fanfiction back then.

But I never finish them.

My fanfiction.net stories are all on hiatus-- FFn. name: angelchoo

This is the first time I've finished one so I just can't help but be proud of it.

Here it is:

http://www.wattpad.com/story/1457715-fix-me

Which Fandom Rules my World? (Part 1: Twilight)

2012-12-28T04:55:00.002-08:00

DECISIONS DECISIONS: WHICH FANDOM RULES MY WORLD

Every time I open any webpage with the word Breaking Dawn on it, there's always a mention of Harry Potter and vice versa. Honestly, I am so tired. Tired of hearing comparisons between the two because they shouldn't be compared.

And here comes Hunger Games. Now they’re a trio.

Before you read the next paragraphs, I am warning you--- I am a potterhead and always will be. Some of my reasons will appear a bit biased, but I am trying to be objective as I write this.

And oh, I include both movies and books.

MY TWILIGHT PHASE: Why and why not Twilight?

First of all, before twihards start throwing insults and harsh words towards me, I am saying this--- I don't hate twilight. In fact, I went through a Twilight phase (I mean an Edward phase) and am still going through a Jasper phase.

I'm not ashamed of it.

Again, I don’t hate Twilight. I like it, though I can say I don't love it as much as I love Harry Potter. I compare it to a crush. When it was first shown on 2008, I admit I was intrigued. I was fascinated. Then I was infatuated (well, mostly with Edward for a very short time and of course, Jasper). And what made me have this crush? It isn’t hard to enumerate the things, which caused me to like it. Twilight is likeable and loveable even. It has its shares of qualities worth lauding.

So Why Twilight?

a. I find vampires fascinating.

It has been a teenage dream of mine to be bitten by a vampire so I could become one. Yeah, crazy thought, I know, but most vampires are beautiful, perfect creatures (if we just set aside the fact that they are forever damned and they drink from humans)-- some would want to be one and would want to be with one.

In the Twilight series, they are portrayed as having perfect physical characteristics-- a reason why the series have more female fans than male fans.

b. Cedric Diggory

Don’t get your knickers in a twist, twihards. I am merely stating the truth and am not insulting your Edward. Continue reading.

I have never even heard of the Twilight Books before the movies, so it was a given that I watched the first Twilight movie first before reading the series. (Admittedly, it was the same for the Harry Potter series. I watched the first movie before I read the books)

I knew Rob Pattinson from the Harry Potter movies and I had a huge crush on him as Cedric Diggory. His presence in the film was what made me decide to watch it in the first place. His pretty boy image was a factor, but I actually liked his portrayal as Cedric and was curious on how he will handle Edward.

c. Romance is usually something that pulls me towards a book (except HP) and the Twilight series is full of it.

There is just something about forbidden and impossible love that calls to me.

d. It contains light material than most books I have read, which is quite refreshing and relaxing.

I am a fan of Sidney Sheldon, J.K. Rowling, and Jeffrey Archer; those of you who read their books, you know how mind-boggling and how deep they are. Sidney Sheldon's novels always keep me at the edge of my seat and never fail to surprise me at the end of every chapter. Jeffrey Archer's novels might contain hard and serious facts like politics and business, but his story telling mind has woven those topics together creatively to create masterpieces. And J.K Rowling's series just made me one of those people who know that Hogwarts is fiction, but just wouldn't accept it (cause it exists for us). She created another world that changed my life (and millions of fans).

The Twilight books are set in a realistic world and its main theme is about the love between an ordinary human and a supernatural vampire. When I read it, I just went with the flow. It is one of the books’ likable factors for me. Again. FOR ME.

e. Jasper Whitlock.

He is the sole reason why I am watching the movies. I love Original Book Jasper and movie Jasper especially because Jackson Rathbone was cast as Jasper.

f. I love Fanfiction Twilight.

Since it's fanfiction, anybody can write anything. Fanfiction Twilight is my Canon. I have to admit I love it way more than I can love the original books. And I love noncanon couples particularly Jasper and Bella.

Fanfiction Bella is different. She was portrayed differently by some of my favorite authors: cullen818, Twisted4twilight, James Ramsey, Clurrabella, and many other fanfiction authors who made a difference in my life by pairing her up with Jasper.

I love Fanfiction Jasper way more than Canon Jasper. Jasper's character was explored so much by those genius authors and I love it. He's not just the quiet-because-I-shall-drink-people's-blood Jasper. He's portrayed as someone strong, independent (not like the puppy that follows Alice everywhere), and sexy as hell. He's often transforming into his Major role and it makes the stories more fascinating.

I can never read the books again without comparing it to Fanfiction.

So Now… Why Not Twilight?

a. Bella's character is one reason why Twilight isn't a favorite of mine.

For me, she was portrayed as a lovesick teenager. When Edward left her, she almost died of heartbreak. She never did anything to help herself. She made Edward the center of her universe that she forgot that other people who love her (like her father) are still there. She almost ceased to exist. It isn't a good example to any girl.

This made me resort to fanfiction Twilight, actually. Those authors portray her as someone strong enough who really tried hard to cope with heartbreak.

b. I said I don't hate Twilight. I even like it. I even write fanfiction for it.

(Note: You may read my Jasper and Bella fics (FF name: angelchoo)

But then, every time I read comments of some Twilight Fans, I get irritated. Really irritated to the point that my 'like' towards Twilight is getting affected.

Because when it comes down to a point that I will have to choose sides, I will choose HP faster than one can say Quidditch. Of course most of the Twihards who read this will say: "the hell we care?”, but again, that is not my point.

My point is, why say something negative against HP when it wouldn't even affect our (we, potterheads) love for HP? I mean I am sure that when some of us bash Twilight it wouldn't affect your love for the series. So why the hate?

I met a lot of Twilight fans online-- most of them I met because of Fanfiction and we get along well. And it is not being untrue or 'plastic', because if you see my Fanfiction profile, it is a given how much I love Harry Potter, so my Fanfiction friends know it.

Yes, there are also lots of Potterheads bashing Twilight, and just so you know, we tell them off too. We want respect for our series and how can we attain that if we bash back?

c. Alice Cullen

This might be a bit biased and I'm admitting it-- my fanfiction obsession has influenced my opinion towards her. Original Book Alice is beautiful, tiny, bubbly, cheerful, almost perfect.

Most fanfiction stories (Jasper and Bella) show her as someone manipulative—someone who uses her clairvoyance to manipulate how other people think, which, if you really set aside how she was portrayed in the books, you will see it too (though not as exaggerated as fanfiction though).

d. The Series Ending

I did not read one whole book of beautiful and skilled vampires preparing for a war just to find them having peace talks at the end. Oh no. I am not a fan of violence and I am not anti-social or sadistic. But why build up something, keep your audience at the edge of their seats…. Then kill the momentum?

Seriously? Breaking Dawn is the second best Twilight book (Eclipse being no.1 because of Jasper)… except for the ending.

(Note: Part 2 will be about Hunger Games)

A Writer's Story

2012-12-28T03:59:00.002-08:00

I've been keeping these notebooks for more than 20 years. They contain my pre-desktop comp/laptop stories.

I used to bring a spiral notebook everyday so I can write wherever I go. Most of the time, the biggest and greatest ideas catch us off guard and come to us during the least expected moments.

They used to be 50 +, but they're down to 26. I've thrown the others due to personal reasons. I still read them sometimes and the stories I've written still affect me big time. :)

The stories inside these notebooks matter a lot to me, but what matter most are the memories and inspiration attached to these stories. Sometimes, when I read them, I am still astonished that I managed to write them. And then I remember what pushed me to do so and it won't come as a surprise anymore.

Indeed, memories and feelings matter so much to a writer.

Friends

2012-09-12T20:49:00.001-07:00

Swear am going to miss these girls.

FIX ME Chapter 3

2012-09-08T08:16:00.001-07:00

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Written mainly to satisfy PhilJess shipper hearts. This fanfic has no influence to the real lives of the characters.

She is nervous.

Her hands are clammy. Her heart is racing. Her mind is blank.

Yes, she is nervous as hell.

“Penny for your thoughts, Skinny Mini Me?”

Jessica jumped in surprise at the sound of the voice.

It was Colton’s. She almost forgot the people she’s with. That’s what that guy does to her.

She smiled at him and shook her head.

Colton, as usual, doesn’t seem to believe her because he once said he could see right through her, but he didn’t comment and went back to chatting with Skylar, whom, Jessica noticed was flirting a little.

She smiled at her two friends. Skylar has a crush on Colton. Everyone knew that.

Well, except for Colton. Guys really are naïve.

Jessica turned her attention to the other people in the van: Elise, Hollie, Heejun, and Joshua. All seven of them are on their way to the hospital where Phillip is recuperating.

Phillip.

Damn.

And just like that, a simple thought of him sends her heart to bedlam.

“Hey, Jess.”

Another blessed diversion. This time it was Heejun who interrupted her thoughts. He was seated right behind her. Jessica felt a little gratitude towards him for diverting her thoughts away from Phillip.

Just a little gratitude though. Because as she turned to face him, the look on his face tells her he’s planning something not good.

Jessica automatically narrowed her eyes at him. Heejun smirked and leaned over to whisper something to her.

“Hey, BB,” he said. “I know your secret.”

“What secret?” Jessica asked, trying to sound cool, but on the inside, she was literally panicky.

Heejun just smiled and simply answered, “You and PP.”

Then to Jessica’s horror, he formed his hands into a heart and started moving his fingers, giving the idea that it’s beating.

Jessica blushed and hit his hands. “That’s not true,” she said and then turned away from him. She leaned back on the seat.

Heejun being Heejun, leaned forward again and whispered, “aren’t you excited? You’ll see the Big Ape. He needs his banana. You are his Jessica Banana.”

“Heejun!” Jessica blurted out so suddenly that every activity inside the van stopped.

There was silence.

Jessica blushed scarlet. Colton looked from Jessica to Heejun.

“What did you do to her?” he asked Heejun accusingly.

Heejun just shrugged innocently. “I just said Phillip might want bananas. Jessica should buy him bananas. It’s good for his health. Jessica just got---”

“I just got annoyed. He was annoying me,” Jessica answered, cutting Heejun’s words before he can say anything stupid.

“I was about to say defensive,” Heejun muttered, which, thankfully, only Jessica heard.

“Are you sure?” Colton asked her, worry evident in his eyes. Jessica nodded.

“Of course. Don’t be such a worrywart, Colt. I’m fine. I’ll just ignore Heejun. It’s the best way.”

Heejun rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Denial Queen.”

Jessica glared at him, but decided to just ignore him. Because whether Heejun is joking or not, others knowing how she feels is not a joking matter.

Jessica’s so consumed with her thoughts that she didn’t even notice Colton holding her hands.

All that’s on her mind was, she’s going to see him in a few minutes.

Her feelings had gone haywire again.

---

He slowly opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed was the hand holding his.

It was his girlfriend. She was asleep on the chair beside his bed. Phillip’s heart melted at the sight of her.

She’s really beautiful. And she’s always been heaven-sent to me. Phillip thought, gazing at the sleeping woman who has become a part of his life for so long. With his free hand, he tucked a hair behind her ear.

The simple action seemed to wake her up.

“Phillip?” she asked sleepily. Phillip squeezed her hand.

“I’m here, love,” he said softly. His girlfriend sat up straight, but did not let go of his hand.

“How are you feeling?” she asked him, not meeting his eyes.

“I’m okay. I feel better. Thank you,” he answered sincerely.

His girlfriend nodded, but Phillip noticed she was avoiding his gaze.

“Your Mom and Dad needed rest,” she said. “I volunteered to take their place. I hope that’s okay with you.”

That’s when Phillip knew there was something bothering her.

“Hey, is there something wrong?” he asked softly, trying to catch her eyes. “You know you can say anything to me. What’s wrong?”

His girlfriend shook her head. “Nothing. I’m just tired.”

Phillip wouldn’t have it.

“There is something wrong. You are worrying me. Please? Tell me, please?” he pleaded.

It was a few seconds when his girlfriend let out a sigh. That’s when he knows she’ll tell him. Phillip waited.

“Phil,” she started, looking a little sad. “Do you… do you still love me?” she asked quietly.

The question literally caught him off guard. His girlfriend never doubted his love for her. Never.

“Why would you even ask that?”

This time she met his gaze. Phillip can see tears that are threatening to spill from her eyes.

“Phil, I’m not dumb and I’m not blind,” she said. “I can feel your feelings changing, hell, I can see your feelings since that day she almost got eliminated.”

“What?” Was the only word that came out of Phillip’s mouth.
His girlfriend laughed bitterly.

“Phil, you were so obvious. The hugs, the holding hands, the subtle glances… I can see it. People can see it. Have you even read the tweets about you and her? Damn, Phillip, those tweets made me feel like I don’t exist!” she said loudly, releasing Phillip’s hand.

“No, don’t say anything yet. Let me finish,” she said as she stood up and went near the window. Phillip knows she is hiding her tears. Phillip wanted to hold her so much, but he just let her have her space.

“You care about her, Phillip,” she said, her voice quivering. “Every time we’re together, you keep mentioning her. I don’t think you can even finish a sentence without including her name on it.”

“In your interviews, you are genuinely happy. Your eyes light up, your smile seemed endless. You were happy to be with her. You’re different with her,” she said softly. “You want to know why I know how you feel, Phillip?”

He didn’t answer.

“Because the hugs, the touches, and the smiles I saw you give her were once only meant for me.”

Phillip was too shocked to answer.

“I’m going, Phillip. I need to think.”

And with that, his girlfriend went to him, kissed him softly on the forehead, and went out of the room.

He was left staring at the door. And all he could say after a few minutes was:

“Jessica, what the hell are you doing to my life?”

---

The ringing of his phone was the only thing that made Phillip move. He was still too shocked by what happened. He couldn’t even decipher what he really feels now.

His parents called, worried for him. His girlfriend must have called them. He assured his parents he’s fine. That they could rest for a few more hours. They insisted to call the hospital though to have the nurse check on him regularly. He was just too tired to argue.

Having nothing to do and needing something to do, he gathered his courage so he can check his Twitter on his phone.

He laughed bitterly. You’re now scared of a little blue bird? Grow up, Phillip. He shook his head and logged in.

So many tweets. He scrolled down, down, down, down… Even if he doesn’t admit it still, he was curious about how last night’s conversation. But before he can even scroll down, Heejun’s last tweet got his attention.

Heejun Han @HHanAI11
We won’t tell where, but we will visit @PPhillipsAI11 tomorrow! See you soon, PP. @JLedetAI11 @HCavanaghAI11 @SLaineAI11 @ETestoneAI11 @CDixonAI11 @JSanchezAI11

And as if on cue, his door fell open and in goes his idol friends one by one.

---

Phillip almost dropped his phone in surprise.

That was fast He thought.

Heejun, as usual, was the first on him. His best pal gave him one of the biggest hugs in the entire universe.

“Hello, Ape Man!” Heejun exclaimed which caused laughter among his visitors. “I know you missed me, but did I miss you? Yes of course!”

“Careful man,” Phillip said, wincing a little. “Still have stitches, ya know. I want to arrive in one piece on our tour.”

Heejun rolled his eyes, but he released him, giving him a small pat on the back. His friend turned to the others and declared, “Fine, you can have him, guys!”

One by one, the others gave Phillip their greetings: Elise, Skylar, Joshua, Hollie, then Colton…

When Colton gave him his hug, Phillip forgot any emotions he felt last time towards his friend. He was just so glad to see him. After all, they are really best buddies.

He was still enveloped in Colton’s hug when he caught her eyes. Since his friends entered his room, he hasn’t looked at her. He tried not to.

But he can feel her.

But right now, he has no choice but to look at her. She was standing shyly beside Joshua, who was busy joking around with Hollie. She was looking at him, doubt in her eyes. But she was smiling.

“Hi, PP,” she said softly.

Phillip’s heart stopped beating.

FIX ME Chapter 2

2012-09-08T08:14:00.001-07:00

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: This fanfic is written mainly to satisfy PhilJess shipper hearts and has no influence to the real lives of the characters.

Seeing her go hurts a lot. He knows he’ll see her in a few days because of the Idol Tour, but it still damn hurts.

He followed her car with his gaze until it faded from sight. After what seemed like a long time, Phillip moved away from the window and sat down at the edge of his bed, his hands on his face. Another thought filled his mind.

Why did he do that? Why did he kiss her? Yes, it was merely a soft peck on her lips, but it made everything worse.

Worse because he could still remember the softness of her lips.

Worse because she tastes like strawberry.

Worse because he didn’t know why he did that.

Worse because instead of him being able to finally get over whatever is confusing him, his stupid action just made him feel more confused.

Worse because he has a girlfriend.

WORST because he just can’t stop thinking of her.

Her is supposed to be his girlfriend. Her is not supposed to be Jessica.

But her didn’t turn out the way he wanted it to turn out.

“Damn,” he finally muttered. “When did this happen?” he asked himself. Again. He’s been asking himself that question since the TOP 2 because it was when he realized he’s been noticing every single thing Jessica does; from the way she smiles to the way she wants her coffee in the morning.

It was crazy!

Man I sound like Jennifer Lopez.

Phillip shook his head and lay down on the bed. He closed his eyes and tried to analyze his feelings. He knows he feels something for her, but he doesn’t want to put a name to whatever it is. There are so many complications—his girlfriend, his health, their age gap, Colton…

Yes, Colton. He knows Colton likes Jessica a lot. He can see it in the way he looks at her, he talks about her, and the way he holds her.

Phillip remembered how he had the sudden urge to push Colton away from Jessica during the time she was ‘almost’ eliminated. Colton had said “I love you now” to her then hugged her. It was caught in the cameras--- the way he, Phillip, turned away from the scene.

His girlfriend had seen that. She had confronted him. He denied that it was ‘jealousy’ of course. Because he, himself, doesn’t even know how he felt that time. He wasn’t even aware that it was his reaction. They had a fight. His girlfriend didn’t attend his next performance night.

Then there was the next elimination. When Jessica was called for the top 6, Phillip wasn’t able to control himself. He pulled her towards him and hugged her tight. He was so happy for her. He was even ready to go home as long as she was able to enter the top 6.

Colton ruined the moment. After Phillip had hugged her, Colton pulled Jessica towards him and embraced her too; looking like he’ll never let her go.

Busted. His reaction was caught in the camera again. This time, even he couldn’t deny that it jealousy was written all over his face.

His girlfriend almost broke up with him.

Then there were the songs. Jessica was on his mind when he sang Volcano and We’ve Got Tonight. It was so obvious! The lyrics of both songs didn’t describe his relationship with his girlfriend; they described what he feels for Jessica.

Heejun bluntly asked him if it was for Jessica. Of course he has to deny it.

“Damn!” He blurted out as he opened his eyes and got off the bed. He started pacing. Jessica was the reason his girlfriend called him awhile ago. She was worried. Not that she told him that. He felt it when she casually asked if Jessica was still in the mansion.

His girlfriend. He loves her to death. He loves her so much. She was always there for him. She sacrificed a lot for him.

For quite a long time, his girlfriend occupies his heart alone.

But now… he couldn’t deny the fact that someone else had slowly paved her towards the center of his heart. Yes, he still couldn’t say that what he’s feeling is that four-letter word, but he can admit Jessica holds a special place in his heart.

Phillip doesn’t have a clue on what to do.

I promise I’ll worry about everything after my surgery. Just not now.

---

The surgery was successful.

Phillip just woke up from a long sleep. He felt relieved. He felt happy. He felt better. The first ones to welcome him back to the world were his parents and girlfriend. His Mom had cried. His girlfriend planted a big kiss on his lips.

He was happy, but he can feel that little empty space, which he tried to ignore.

He’s still in the hospital for recuperation, but the doctor said he can do other things now. He’ll be healthy just in time for the Idol Tour, which is in five days, just as long as he doesn’t do anything strenuous.

So what to do? He spent the day having a Twitter Party. Someone had convinced him that having a Twitter party reduces stress. That someone was right.

Phillip Phillips @PPhillipsAI11

Hey guys. Whattup? Good news. Surgery successful. #alive

He tweeted. And in a few seconds, there were replies. A lot of them. He answered as much as he could, depending on the tweets.

@obsessedwithyourchesthair tweeted:

@PPhillipsAI11 I love you, please be mine. Marry me?

He didn’t answer. Because it was a guy.

@seriouslyphiljess tweeted:

@PPhillipsAI11 So glad you’re okay! Will you make it on tour?

He answered it:

@seriouslyphilljess Yes. I’ll make it. :)

And there were a lot of other tweets which made him smile. One in particular caught his attention.

@philjessshipper tweeted:

@PPhillipsAI11 Did @JSanchezAI11 visit you yet? We seriously need a Philjess moment!

He would reply. But he was thinking of what to reply. And somebody beat him to it.

Jessica Sanchez @JSanchezAI11

@philjessshipper I will visit him soon. I miss @PPhillipsAI11. :) PP, thank God you’re all right. <3 p="p">
Phillip couldn’t help the silly grin that appeared on his face, which called the attention of his Mom, who was the one on duty for him today at the hospital.

“Someone’s happy,” she said, smiling at his son. Phillip smiled back.

“Nothing in particular, Mom. Just a fan tweeting sweet things,” he answered, which is really not a lie.

His Mom nodded and went back to her reading. Phillip went back to his twitter, still smiling. He’s just so happy. It seemed that “the kiss” didn’t put a wall between them.

Phillip Phillips @PPhillipAI11

@JSanchezAI11 How much?

Jessica replied in a second.

@PPhillipsAI11 How much what, PP?

Phillip replied:

@JSanchezAI11 How much did you miss me? :)

Jessica replied:

@PPhillipsAI11 As much as @HHanAI11 misses you.

To which Heejun replied:

@JSanchezAI11 @PPhiliipsAI11 Don’t include me in your flirting. Where’s your GF anyway? She should see this.

And it stopped him. He didn’t reply to the post anymore. Jessica saved them both.

@HHanAI11 @PPhillipsAI11 and I are merely kidding around as usual. :)

Heejun couldn’t be stopped.

@JSanchezAI11 I don’t believe you. You and @PPhillipsAI11 are in love and wouldn’t just admit it.

Phillip’s eyes almost popped out of their sockets. But before he can even reply, someone else saved them both. But he wasn’t what he had in mind.

Colton Dixon @CDixonAI11

@HHanAI11 @JSanchezAI11 is in love with me. @PPhillipAI11 has a girlfriend he loves. Don’t cause trouble, my man. :)

Phillip didn’t see the next replies. He suddenly didn’t have the mood to tweet. He replaced his phone on the table beside his bed and lay back down.

Colton is his friend…. but jealousy has always been a bitch.

Phillip closed his eyes and slept. His last thoughts were Jessica’s tweet:

I will visit him soon. I miss @PPhillipsAI11. :) PP, thank God you’re all right. <3 p="p">
He slept, feeling a little hopeful and a little… guilty.

FIX ME Chapter 1

2012-05-31T00:42:00.000-07:00

This is a fic I already posted on Tumblr. :) kathartickat.tumblr.com

AN: I just started shipping them, but they’re consuming me fast. I don’t know how many chapters this story will be. Just bear with me. J This is unedited so I’m sorry in advance for overlooked grammatical errors and misspelled words.

Disclaimer: This is merely to satisfy my philjess shipper heart. No reference to a real life event that Jessica and Phillip had. I am merely shipping them and have no influence whatsoever in their real life relationships.

** means beginning of a flashback

*** end of a flashback

CHAPTER 1

This is goodbye. That, she knows.

Jessica couldn’t help but feel miserable. It is the end— she’s dreading it for so long. They will never see each other. Or if they will, it’s going to be in a long time. They will have their separate lives now.

Separate lives. They. Them.

Phillip and her.

The two of them are packing their bags now. Her Mom had called— In a few minutes, she will arrive to fetch her from the Idol Mansion.

And him? His family will be here too… with his… girlfriend.

Jessica shook her head to clear her mind and went back to putting the last of her clothes in her luggage. She looked around the room she shared with the girls. It was really big with a dozen queen-sized beds.

She smiled. There were a lot of good memories in this room.

Hollie falling from the bed every morning… Yes, every morning.

Elise waking them all up early, being the early riser that she is…

Skylar hiding their clothes and putting them on different, hard-to-look-for places when they are taking a bath…

Oh damn. Skylar.

Jessica felt herself blushing as she remembered the time that she became the victim of Skylar’s pranks—- it was during the performance night for the top 7.

**It was still early, but they were asked to arrive early for last minute changes in the program. The other girls had taken a bath already. She was the last one to have her bath.

She just came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel. The first thing she noticed was the loss of her underwear on top of her bed. She looked up and found Hollie and Elise looking at her apologetically.

Jessica frowned. From the look on Hollie’s and Elise’s faces, she knows what happened; what Skylar had done.

Sure enough, as if on cue, the pretty country singer just popped into the room with a silly grin on her face. She caught Jessica’s eyes and smirked.

“Yes, BB, I hid your lacy pair of undies. Damn, girl, I didn’t know you love sexy things like that. I underestimated you! Anyway, come and find it,” she said, much to Jessica’s horror… then ran out of the room.

It didn’t take long for her to react. Jessica screamed and followed after her, obviously forgetting she’s only wearing a towel. She chased Skylar in the hallway and didn’t even notice that Skylar had entered a room.

The boys’ room.

There was a sudden silence. Colton’s mouth fell open. Joshua looked dazed. Skylar stopped talking to Phillip, whose back was on her so he hasn’t noticed her yet.

It was embarrassing.

Phillip must have finally noticed the silence and turned around.

Shit.

Jessica’s face reddened. Skylar started laughing.

Phillip looked confused until he put the pieces together. He looked at Jessica, then Skylar, then the things he was holding—- her underwear.

Phillips’s face turned red too. Skylar laughed harder, which finally woke Colton and Joshua from whatever trance they were into. But before anyone can react, Phillip has reached Jessica with his shirt on his hand.

Jessica immediately put his shirt on, thanked him, and looked up to meet his gaze.

Phillip smiled and secretly handed her the underwear. “Go get dressed, beautiful,” he whispered, which made Jessica blush.

“Thank you again,” she whispered. Without waiting for Phillip’s answer, she immediately ran back to the girls’ room. His words were etched on her mind all throughout the day—“Go get dressed, beautiful.”

***He thinks she’s beautiful.

Jessica sighed. That was a fine day. She was smiling the whole day! Even Ryan Seacrest noticed her exuberance. Though she kept avoiding Phillip that day. She was quite embarrassed.

Stop it, Sanchez. That was nothing.

So what if he finds her beautiful? He must think Hollie is beautiful too… and Elise… and Skylar… Phillip is like that. He sees beauty everywhere and in anyone. He’s really a good guy.

She shook her head, looked around their room once more, and went out to the hallway.

You can do this, Jessica. You need to say goodbye. You have to say goodbye. She was telling herself.

She took a deep breath and went down the hallway into the boys’ room before she can change her mind. She stopped right outside the doorway…

… because her heart suddenly plummeted out of her chest at the sight of him.

She was mesmerized, as always, by his beauty.

He was talking to someone on the phone. He was laughing. It was a deep, husky laugh, which make Jessica feel warm all over.

And it hurt her at the same time.

The laugh wasn’t for her. It will never be for her.

Phillip hasn’t noticed her yet. She still has time to escape. She can go now without saying goodbye.

Jessica took one, last look at the boy who has become special to her then turned her back to go.

“Jess?”

She turned around quickly. She was looking straight at his eyes.

Busted.

—-

“Hi, PP,” she said quietly. Phillip, who still has his phone between his ear and shoulder, motioned a hand for Jessica, signaling for her to wait. Jessica sighed and nodded.

“Hey,” she heard Phillip said on the phone. “I’ll call you later, okay? Yeah. Love you.”

Ouch. Jessica thought. She knows she shouldn’t feel this. She has no right to feel this, but she’s hurting. Phillip has become so special to her that she’s afraid to even put a name to what she’s feeling.

Phillip put his phone down and looked at her. He smiled, but Jessica noticed there was something in his eyes, which she cannot fathom.

“You goin’ now, beautiful?” Phillip asked her. Jessica tried not to mind the endearment.

“Yes,” she answered. “Mom will be here in a few minutes. I just came to… say goodbye.”

Her voice was pained. She will miss him so much. She very much wanted to cross the five feet distance between them right now and just hug him to death, but she doesn’t. There was silence between them. It’s been seconds when Jessica broke it.

“So I’ll see you soon, PP,” she whispered and turned her back to him, pulling her luggage behind her.

Stupid Jessica. Where’s BBChez when you need her? You should’ve hugged him. You should’ve—-

“I’ll miss you so much, Jess,” she heard him. It was just a whisper. She even thinks he didn’t mean for her to hear it judging by the surprised look on his face when she turned around to face him. But the surprised look immediately turned into a smile.

Phillip opened his arms wide. “Don’t I at least get a hug from my favorite top 12?”

Jessica laughed and she relented. She went to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, feeling the warmth of his body. Her heart was thudding like crazy and she was silently praying Phillip couldn’t hear it.

She felt Phillip pull her closer. He tightened his arms around her. They stayed like that for quite a while until they heard a loud honking.

“That must be your Mom,” Phillip said as he reluctantly released her from his arms. Jessica nodded.

“I’ll see you soon, PP,” she said. “I’ll pray for your successful surgery.”

And I love you. She added silently, which surprised her.

Shit.

The revelation was about to overwhelm her, but she controlled herself. She can cry later. She can think about everything later. But not right now; not in front of Phillip; the boy who’s making her feel this rollercoaster of emotions.

Phillip’s voice cut through her musings. “Thank you, Jess. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye.” Was all she said. She immediately went out of the room before her tears fall. She walked fast in the hallway and finally reached the stairs when she heard him.

“Jess!”

She sighed but plastered a smile on her face before she turned at the sound of his voice. He was running towards her with a shirt on his hand. He passed it to her without saying anything. Jessica took it and smiled. It was the shirt he lent her during the underwear escapade.

“Please remember me,” he said and gave her a soft kiss on the lips. Before she can even register what happened, he was running back to the boys’ room. She heard the door close.

When her mother saw her, she didn’t ask what’s wrong. Her mother knows her very well. Jessica got in the car silently.

She was so engrossed with her thoughts that she failed to notice Phillip, who was gazing down at her car from a second floor window with a pained look in his face.

Jessica finally let her tears fall.