Katrina's Joy - Share, Grow, Embrace & Discover

Weariness in the World

katrina — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:19:28 -0500

Aside from the return of my Seasonal Affective Disorder, I have noticed a deep fatigue, no more like weariness, overcoming me. Last year I was struggling under an avalanche of work. And although I may have more items on my to do list than possibly a few small countries, I am not by any measure under the same amount of pressure as last year.

So why am I so tired?

I have plenty of answers. Like most folks, I can rationalize just about anything. But the answers I come up with are raising further questions. If this is simply the Chronic Fatigue portion of my illnesses, why did the pain mask it all this time? If this is the fatigue portion of my Fibromyalgia, how come I did not feel it during the summer and early fall? And if it is SAD, why is it not lifting now that I am taking vitamin D like last year?

See … more questions … and no answers that bring closure.

So in today’s meditation, I decided to approach the issue differently. Was it my weariness that really bothered me? And surprisingly, the answer was no. What actually bothered me the most was my inability to do much work. I was upset more by my leaving items unchecked than being tired.

Whoa!

A part of me is filled with anxiety because … I *should* be working. So I sat with that anxiety and listened with compassion. I still have no answers, but somehow … almost inexplicably … it’s okay.

Namaste!

Work of the Soul

katrina — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 09:35:19 -0500

Around this time every year, during Reflections annual admissions’ period, I get questions from folks about what is it that we do in our mystery school. Most folks are concerned about requirements for things like homework, reading assignments and how often they have to come to DC. And every year I promise to fill in the gaps in our FAQ.

I decided this year to not wait for questions, and instead of adding even more items to my growing to do list, I will discuss the deeper issue underlying the work of Reflections.

At Reflections, our focus is soul work. We offer classes on magickal and spiritual topics yes, but our primary area of concentration is evolving the soul.

What is Soul Work?

Soul work has many components, many in line with most, if not all, spiritual traditions at their core.

It involves strengthening the core, or one’s sense of self. This portion involves building up inner and outer boundaries, the I and the not-I for instance. This is crucial if one wants to experience the oneness of all. One cannot merge with source until one has a self to dissolve.
It involves shadow work. We reclaim our hidden energy and talents, literally the gold held by the Minotaur, so that it is available in our life and in our work. As we take back our projections, cleanse our lens and unearth our repressions, our soul expands. This work is crucial for everyone, but most especially for those that follow a spiritual or leadership path.
It involves building a spiritual practice that continually polishes the jewel of our soul. I am often quoted as saying, “It is not how long you can be centered, grounded, compassionate and present, but in how you return to grace.” And the key is having a regular practice of returning to grace.
It involves self-awareness as to our strengths, weaknesses, talents, abilities and limits. In this way we can give from our surplus instead of our scarcity. Too often we are not responding to our internal sense of “Yes!” but to an external expression of “No.” So we contour our spherical selves to slip into ill-fitted square holes and then wonder why something doesn’t feel quite right about our lives. At Reflections we start with who and what we are in our core and expand to fill it out by beginning our search for meaning within.
It involves discovering our growing edge. What is the growing edge? Our growing edge is the place where it seems like the entire multi-verse is conspiring to draw our attention. The issue will come up at work, at the doctor’s office, and in your intimate relationships, hell even complete strangers will bring it your attention. Everyone and everything seems to be shouting, “Look at this!” It is our belief that if we attend to the edge that is being called to our attention we will have the most traction with our efforts and potentially experience the greatest growth.
It involves listening to the ancient voice within. We listen primarily through our dreams. Dream work requires us to learn the language of mystery itself. We attune to this language through the study of myth, folk tales and symbolism. We excavate our dreams for images, symbols and messages. We enact ritual to engage these mysteries and strengthen our vocabulary, grammar and syntax in this ancient tongue.
It involves listening to each other. We recognize the divine in everyone and allow ourselves the luxury of deciphering its message within voices of the people that surround our lives, especially those who have made a spiritual commitment to evolve their souls.
It involves reaching outside the known. We listen as well to the wisdom keepers of the world. We study, discuss and engage with ancient lessons shared by those we encounter in our daily lives and those we seek out for wisdom and mentoring.

It involves all of this and so much more.

And then we rinse and repeat.

So many people I have met wonder what is it that attracts them to Reflections. They are all knowledgeable people with extraordinary gifts. They ask themselves, “What can I possibly encounter that is new in this school?” Which is a good question. If all you do is look at the classes we offer publicly, with rare exceptions, many advanced spiritual practitioners will find that they already have sufficient knowledge and ability in most of these areas.

It is in the portions that are not open to the public, however, that our true worth shines. We are first and foremost a community of fellow seekers on the path. We are a haven for folks who in their respective communities are often sought out for answers. The question is this. Where do you go with *your* questions? At Reflections, you will find peers, mentors and elders.

And finally, when all is said and done, the real reason it works is because we have committed elders and brilliant teachers. Angela Raincatcher, the presiding Celebrant of Becoming, is our School Administrator. Ivo Dominguez, Jr., Elder of the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel, and I are the faculty. Every year we invite brilliant teachers such as T. Thorn Coyle, Helena Domenic, Michael Smith and Lisa Aerianna Tayerle. Next year we have Anne Hill of Dream Talk Radio and Tigre Cruz of Kiva already lined up to offer classes in 2010.

Obviously, I am not an objective observer. I hope our students, visiting teachers and staff will add their voices to this discussion by commenting.

I am proud of the work we do in Reflections. And every year, we work hard at improving the school, the classes, and our student’s experience. If this sounds like something that may meet your needs, apply. I look forward to hearing from you.

October’s Health Update

katrina — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 15:30:27 -0500

I am learning a lot about the state of my health as I travel this journey. One thing I had not realized till recently is how much fatigue plays a role in my life. I blamed so much on the pain, that I had not realized how tired I was overall. But this past few weeks had me, just as I was recovering from my trip, plunging headfirst into a rite of passage only to find my self back at alarming fatigue again.

So now I get it, my pain does not cause my fatigue. It is a separate symptom altogether. Which makes sense in a way, but I had long forgotten my early experiences with this illness. In the early days, pain was one of the early indications of a flare up. It was followed by a fever then the fog and fatigue would kick in within days. It was always a struggle to gather enough food and supplies before the fog descended.

Nowadays, the fog and fatigue is nowhere as severe, but I still need to account for it in my plans. My November is in a word, crazy! So I will need to budget my time and energy, along with asking for help when I need it.

This past Monday, two of my students came over and cleaned up my kitchen for me as I sat mumbling to myself on the sofa. I am so grateful for the help I receive. I just have to get better at asking for help and accepting it when it is offered.

So this latest med is helping a lot with the pain, it is down to a 2 or 3 on the pain scale. I am sleeping better and when I take it easy, I can actually enjoy my life as a pain free person.

It is amazing how much I had identified with my illness. But now I can discover a new me along this continuing journey.

And a quick off topic Shout Out: My students bought me a copy of Jung’s Red Book! I am so overwhelmed by their generosity. I cried when I opened the box, and I still sit and stare at it from across the room. I do not want this moment to pass too quickly.

Thanks Guys, You All Totally Rock!!!

Messages in a Bottle

katrina — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 13:36:30 -0500

My first session as a student at the Assisi Institute was eye opening in many ways. A great deal of material was covered in a very short amount of time. This session’s topic was unconscious communication. Most of the examples were from a therapeutic environment, but the applicability across disciplines was also discussed.

In a nutshell, we humans can be thought to have two brains – a new brain and an old brain, left and right hemisphere respectively. Our left/new brain uses words and numbers, and exists in linear time. Our right/old brain speaks in symbols, colors, images, and emotions and exists in non-linear time. They speak of the old brain as a two million year old person living in our psyche. This old brain sounds a lot like what many of us pagans call our younger-self to me.^{Note 1}

Our right brain communicates to us primarily in dreams and physical symptoms. The other way our right brain communicates is by subtly selecting the stories the left sphere uses to express itself. So if you want to hear the old brain one needs to listen carefully for unconscious truths emanating from the stories that a person speaks out loud.

Without knowing it, we often obscure our true feeling but our old brain sneaks in the truths in the midst of our conversations. How often has a plumber mentioned some other guy that will cheat you while handing you his own bill? Have you ever heard a merchant mention substandard work elsewhere while showing her wares? How many friends and lovers mention the pending breakup of a couple days or months before severing their relationship with you?

An example:

Person 1: I am worried about J, I haven’t heard from him in a long time. I wonder if he is sick or maybe he is mad at me.

Person 2: Oh, I hadn’t heard anything about J. Maybe I should call him.

Person 2 is not responding to the unconscious communication from Person 1. S/he has not heard the truth underling the statement from Person 1. Person 1 is not so much talking about J so much as Person 2’s relationship with Person 1.

A further example:

Person 1: I am worried about J, I haven’t heard from him in a long time. I wonder if he is sick or maybe he is mad at me.

Person 2: I don’t know about J. But I am sorry I haven’t called in awhile. I am fine but I had to be on call for a family emergency. How are you doing?

Person 2 is now responding to the unconscious communication from Person 1.

Now I am hearing unconscious truths everywhere around me. It is blaring from the TV, snippets float up from sidewalk conversations, and I even hear my own stories through a new filter.

There is a lot more to this area, but this portion was enough to convince me that I am in right place for my education.

I will share more of this topic as I begin my homework.
--

Note 1: H. Buchy (Chemalfait) reminded me that younger self is actually "the oldest part of us". And I have to agree with him on this note. In many traditions that have the concept of the triple soul, the younger self, "fetch, unihipili or nephesh" is thought to be associated with the right side of the brain.

Now I knew this of course, but in my delirium I oringinally referenced the divine or god soul. I can always rely on my readers to bring me back to some semblance of sanity. Good catch, Henry!

The Wild Side

katrina — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:41:39 -0500

I am finally feeling normal after my almost two weeks away. I have so much to talk about, I just need time to get it all down. This post refused to wait its turn however. Hopefully, more later.

When I first began walking at Sligo Creek Park almost twenty years ago, it was a struggle just to walk a few yards without sitting down to rest. In recent years, my walks extended far into the more picturesque portions of the park. It was while walking on the paved paths that I became aware of an alternative route just over the creek along edge of the woods. Each visit, as I struggled to keep my balance on the artificially even asphalt, I looked across at the wooded side longingly. "One day, one day", became my anthem.

Today, I usually take that elusive path, dodging exposed tree roots, boulders, and low hanging vegetation with a sense of hard won accomplishment. It may have taken years, but I finally made it to the wild side.

But this past weekend, sitting in Angela Raincatcher’s wonderful Magick of Manifestation class, I came face to face with another wildness I have yet to fathom. After settling into our younger selves through deep trance work, we dove with delight into an incredible stack of magazines. We were supposed to be finding images to use with our magickal intention. But since my younger self was running the image search, all kinds of symbols and images wound up in my pile. So yeah a third represented my intent to find more time and space in my life for me, along with another third that illustrated my search for a motherhouse for my tradition. It was the final pile that completely surprised me.

In this third pile were images of colorful roller girls, dancing women, a strong woman surrounded by fire and finally an image of middle age woman walking alongside a cheetah in the African grasslands. It was this last image that seemed to express a familiar calling. It was less a call to walk ON THE wild side, then a call to walk WITH MY wild side.

Ah, yes! The yearning for the wild path was also a call from within. It is my wild self that yearns to be free, to create new paths through the wilderness yes, but also to dance with abandon in the city streets. The roller girl’s hair was a bright red and the dancing woman was dressed in a sexy black dress. I tried to remember the last time I even attempted to look sexy or even dance with abandon. I think it was at Sacred Space Conference. Wow, I really *am* overdue.

And so this week, my plans include creating a collage with my wild images. And sometime soon, expect to see a new hair color and something sexy and black, because I am headed to the wild side. And to get in, sometimes you have to dress the part!

Out of Town

katrina — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 11:44:48 -0500

I am currently sitting in the chilly living room of some of my dearest friends. Chelidon, Claudia, Kelly, Paul, Forest and baby Dylan along with their coterie of cats and one large (!) puppy named Griffen. Griffen, standing on all fours, reaches almost to my waist. He is a sweet dog … even when he is pooping all over my shoe. Chelidon has given me permission to take a whiz on his paws. “Stop moving, Griffen, it’l come out eventually!”

So anyway … I am having such fun visiting here in New Hampshire. And getting to see baby Dylan is a big treat. He laughs in his sleep! No, really! Yay, cuteness overload!!!!

And I got to witness the removal of Forest’s braces. Yay, Forest! This year I taught him how to levitate things through only the power of his mind. Heh, heh, be very afraid!

I was spirited away on Sunday to the largest arcade I have ever seen. And so I spent hours playing Centipede (high scorer!), Multipede, Skee ball (God’s favorite sport!) and tons of pinball! I am a happy, happy girl! Besides the really, really bad pizza at the arcade, I have been eating such delicious food! Yay, food! Lots of exclamation points in this post … for a good reason!

Later this week, I will mosey on over to Brattleboro to start my first session at Assisi. But for right now, I get hang out with some strange, but cute characters from my past. I am a happy, happy girl! Yay, Bricks! [… er um, ignore that reference to bricks …ahem …]

Share My Message

katrina — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 09:05:41 -0500

This is the fifth post in my series on my new long-term goals. Go here to see the first post in the series.

This is the one long-term goal that for the most part remains unchanged from last year. Last year it was share my writings, music, art and message with a wider audience. And this year I shortened it to share my message.

And it remains a large part of my work in the world. So much so, that I had to find a way to balance this goal against the long-term goal of nurturing my life. This was the core of my balance pursuit.

And like the earlier ones, this long-term goal also has three sub-goals – write/publish, teach and connect.

Writing/Publishing

This goal includes writing this blog of course, but also publishing books, podcasts, and other media. Once I discovered that my current book was born out of a practice of writing articles on topics that interested me, I realized how important it is to just write about whatever catches my fancy. Most of those articles have never seen the light of day. They will eventually be repurposed into either a book of essays or expanded into books of their own. At least two have been turned into conference workshops and a third was used in my Descent workshop. I am learning so much about writing as practice, and I oh so look forward to the writing that will be required as part of the program at Assisi.

Teach

On average, I plan to teach 5 to 6 one-day classes, 3 sequestered weekends, 5 ritual/classes each year. In previous years, I also taught 3 to 4 six/seven week classes plus one or two conferences, festivals, lectures and sermons scattered throughout the year. I am hoping to add some online/tele-seminar courses plus maybe encourage some invites for a few out of town classes. I also want to debut a new set of what I call Essential classes to replace the Reclaiming courses I no longer teach.

Some, many of my friends and students, would call this overdoing it. But if you ever have taken a class from me, you probably know why I feel such a calling to teach. I just love teaching! I will necessarily hold off on some of my plans because plainly I will need the time since I am now back in school. But … I will have to scratch that teaching itch every so often just to keep the urge under control.

Connect

In my mission statement, I explicitly state that I want to be willing to touch and be touched by the journeys of my loved ones. I was trying to capture my need to make room for authentic loving relationships in my life. This is still true for me. The new insight is that this extends not only to my family and friends but also to my students, colleagues and members of my community. My natural introversion and the nature of my illnesses act as barriers to my participation in many community events. It takes a great deal of planning, assistance from others and time afterwards for recovery for me to just show up for most functions.

But what is funny is that if I am teaching at an event, I can usually pull it off. That is why I could attend select Pagan Pride festivals over the years. Each time, I was asked to present a short class on a topic. The other way that works for me is a focused discussion or a class on a topic I have an interest in presented by a teacher I admire.

Several times this past 12 months, I planned to attend an event then had to cancel due to illness or exhaustion. It is frustrating to say the least.

Now that I have a diagnosis, I am hoping to be more available in some respects. But of course, the next obstacle is my calendar of crazy. This fall, I had only two free weekends from September through December. The first free weekend was Labor Day, and right at the moment, I cannot recall when the next one occurs.

With my weekends full, I focus instead on having more time for folks mid week. I try to meet up with friends for dinner, movies and just hanging out during the week. I also am getting better with setting up times to chat over the phone with long distance friends. As I plan for 2010, I will need to keep this goal in mind.

Care for My Home

katrina — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 07:00:00 -0500

This is the fourth post in my series on my new long-term goals. Go here to see the first post in the series.

As I shared when I announced my diagnosis, my house is a constant reminder of the true cost of my illness. I was recuperating from major surgery when I moved into this house and I have not had a healthy year in the almost twenty years that I have lived here. It is all pretty amazing when you think about it.

There has been movement, my library has moved twice I think. My closet used to be the junk room. And now my old office plus half my new office serves that role. I use to store things in the basement after I stopped renting it out, but that stopped when I turned it into a temple and classroom. So most things are stored upstairs.

In the mean time, all my artwork, at least the ones that survived the floods, lives in my offices, old and new. When I retired after twenty five years, my ton of belongings including a library of technical books and archives was moved in boxes into the old office which was already holding the remnants from previous schools, organizations, churches and homes.

Each year, people would help me clean up for New Years by moving boxes of unopened mail to joined the unexamined boxes from previous years. The funny bit is that my filing cabinet is buried under a ton of boxes, so the paper just piles up waiting for that day when I am full of enough energy to tackle it. And of course that day never comes. People have offered to help but most only want me to throw everything out which freaks me out.

On top of the clutter is the constant fix it litany of any 100-year-old house. My dream of new windows went out the window after the ironically named hurricane and her sis, Rita. That is when I discovered what my insurance does not cover. Subsequent house woes were chronicled in Live Journal, which I will not repeat here except to say – DA-AMN!

This is all a long way of saying that de-cluttering and reorganizing my house has been a goal of mine for over fifteen years. And despite having thrown out a literal ton of stuff over the years, I have at least half of that left that needs organizing. I have had some areas of the house repaired, made some necessary changes and upgraded some elements. But it still feels like a ton of work is needed.

So my goals in this area include cleaning, sorting and organizing (what I call CSO), clutter removal, and setting up some household routines. Of the three, the household routines are mostly in place. On my balance score sheet, I reserve the highest score for de-cluttering and publishing. I am trying to see if this will motivate me. In the past two months, I managed two de-cluttering sessions. On one hand, it is a pretty miserable result. On the other hand, It is two more than I did all last year. This one is definitely a work in progress.

Next up is my last overall goal of sharing my message.

Nurturing My Life

katrina — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 07:00:00 -0500

This is the third post in my series on my new long-term goals. Go here to see the first post in the series. So far I have discussed deepening my spiritual journey. In this post, I begin discussion of my second overriding goal, the nurturing of the fabric of my life.

Back in February, I realized that several of my previous long-term goals were actually subsets of a larger, more expansive goal. Spending time with loved ones, having a spiritual, sustainable and healthy lifestyle, and having a welcoming home were actually part and parcel of nurturing a sustainable, passionate and creative life. The new wording worked for me and it covered one of my most challenging issues, self-nurturance.

But that statement desperately needed more definition. Over time, it expanded into three sub goals: build core strength, open my heart and care for my home. (Am I the only one seeing a trend with three high level goals with so far three sub goals under each? Hmmm …)

Build Core Strength

Strengthening my core has been a focus for several years. It involves primarily physical activities and issues. This includes yoga, walking, and eating nutritious meals. Regular health care counts as well.

I have been walking each week and up till the Flexeril episode, I managed several yoga practices a week. And earlier this year I restarted my fruit and vegetable deliveries, which has helped with my meals. I am hoping to build back up to almost daily yoga and am trying to get back up to two 1 mile walks each week.

My work with the intuitive healer has helped me loosen up some stuck areas all over my body, so that now when I walk I am using both legs pretty evenly at least until I get tired. But thankfully I am no longer limping for the last quarter mile, which is a big improvement.

My yoga practice, when it is regular, enables me to move with confidence all week. If I can get the meds just right, my hope is be able to walk on inclines and steps with a smoother gait. It is the one place where my disability reveals itself even when I am well rested and my joints are warmed up.

The last area I was working on before all hell broke loose was building abdominal strength. Hopefully I can get back to it as a focus before year’s end.

Open My Heart

This past week, my healer pointed out all the rage I carry just below my ribcage. Most of it is due to my continuing issues with my health. My heart opening practice up till now had been focused on my shoulders and spine. She loosened the affected area by manipulating my spine and the connecting muscles – a truly weird sensation. Now when I pull my shoulders back, I can feel more of my chest expanding.

My role in this effort now also includes preserving and reclaiming openness in my schedule, my home and my journey. For example, although technically I had time to teach at Cherry Hill and return to school, it would have left me no buffer in case of illness or an emergency – so I decided to not return to Cherry Hill while I am in school.

I have also made an effort to enjoy the beauty I encounter as travel around the area. Just recently, after that heart opening session with my healer, I visited Sligo Creek Park. Instead of doing my regular walk, I just sought out a friendly boulder to sit and enjoy the beauty of the water and greenery – it was delicious!

So my goal of heart opening operates at multiple levels -- physical, emotional and spiritual.

Next time I will discuss my goal of caring for my home.

Build My Tradition

katrina — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 07:00:00 -0500

This is the second of my series on my new long-term goals. Go here to read the first in this series. Last time I covered the first goals under Deepen my Spiritual Journey -- study and practice. This time I will cover the third goal -- build my tradition.

I finally introduced my spiritual tradition in my last post. My goals in this area involve a newfound focus. Prior to this year, my focus had been on building Reflections Mystery School, Connect DC and Dark Flame Coven. But in January, I attended a spiritual retreat that blew my mind and dissolved the blinders I had been wearing. I realized how in every way that mattered, I was focused on the branches and disregarding the tree. So when I returned, I did some frankly painful truth telling and turned my entire world upside down. Since then I have been focused on building the Order of the Elemental Mysteries. I had already turned over the administration of Reflections to Angela Raincatcher. But in January, I also took a very painful step and resigned as Dark Flame’s High Priestess.

This was huge for me, but necessary! So I began this year with some pretty major upheavals. This meant that I had to re-look at everything all over again, which ultimately produced these new long-term goals.

Most new traditions are revealed only after a group has been working together for a while and at some point discover the unique tapestry they have woven together. While others begin as hives from more established traditions. And here I was deciding to build a tradition from scratch, the sheer arrogance of it all paralyzed me initially, which is why I was so focused on the school, ritual group and my beloved coven. Now I was forced to face my trepidations and begin the work of building the tradition separate from the school and ritual group.

My goals in this area include our incorporation as a church, the manifestation of our motherhouse and temple, and extending Connect DC to cover all eight Sabbaths. All are moving forward except extending our public ritual observances. With me starting school this fall, I have decided to hold off adding the three remaining rituals all at once. We may add Beltane in 2011, with Lamas & Imbolc held off until maybe 2012.

At present, the plan is to continue subdividing the work amongst the core group. I hope to be able to make some exciting announcements in early 2010.

This change in focus has been challenging. I have had to face some of my personal demons concerning inclusiveness versus singular vision, directed versus open processes, and perfectionism versus real world limits. I am learning what is truly important and what is illusion. I hope to keep folks updated as to our progress.