Kauritis

My "I don't give a crap weekend"

2014-02-01T22:57:00.002-08:00

Some day I will take a weekend where I just don't give a crap about anything but me. Hear me out on this before judging, butthead. Judgey mcJudgerson...
It doesn't have to be a weekend. It just has to be 3 or more days.
I will go to the beach or to Bend and rent a small cabin. As for packing, I will bring with me 250$, my crafts, 3 books, a robe, a way to play dvd's without any interwebs connections, a pad of paper and pens, a cute summer dress, a pair of jeans, 4 tshirts, sweatpants, underwears, socks, and my converse. Will I need nice shoes for my nice dress? No, because it's my I don't give a crap weekend. Will I bring my wallet? Yes, but only bring it out for emergencies. I don't see me spending money on anything but food and a movie out.
In the mornings I will walk and take pictures. I will have no set destination and no designated time. If I feel like running, I will run. If I feel like exercising more I will. If I feel like talking to animals, strangers, skipping, hopping, singing out loud, or farting in public, I will. Because it's my I don't give a crap weekend.
For food, I will eat when I want, however much I want, and whatever I want. I will not care about calories or cost. I will not care if someone thinks I'm a pig or that I'm being picky. It's my I don't give a crap weekend.
My early afternoons will be filled with crafting and reading. I will wear my sweats or robe or nothing at all. I will hang half off the bed and read upsidedown. I will craft in the tub, outside in the trees or on the beach. Or at a table. I don't care because it's my I don't give a crap weekend.
My dinner will be at a public place where I can sit and watch people and wonder what their stories are and write one page moments of their life down just for the fun of it. I won't care if they catch me watching because it's my I don't give a crap weekend. I won't care if my waiter thinks I'm taking too long at their table, because it's my I don't give a crap weekend.
I will stay up till 1 am or later watching cartoons, girly movies, oprah, mysteries, and everything else that I can't watch at home because at least one person will walk in and give me that look of "wtf are you watching." and then make comments on me watching it later like I'm a 5 year old who should be ashamed of just being curious about whatever or loving suspense or loving cheesy crappy 90210 romance movies that make you cry because for a little while their half ass curve balls towards being happy make life look so damned easy. And even if someone were to find out I watched it, it would be ok because it's my I don't give a crap weekend.
If I want to change any of that up, I will, because I don't give a crap.
If I don't feel like talking to my family or friends, I won't feel bad. I know they love me and I love them and it's ok to just be MIA to the world for a little while. This isn't part of not giving a crap. This part is all about trusting your relationships.
For one weekend I won't worry about how I look, what I eat, who I talk to, where I go, what people think of me, what's happening at work or at home, or anyone else but me. Me. For one weekend, me. Not wife. Not mom. Not postal worker. Not friend. Not support. Not friggin wonder woman. Just me.
It will be like a clean slate for three days.
Does that make me a bad person?
My slate isn't bad. It doesn't need to be cleaned for me to be happy. But if I could shove it in a corner for 3 days and forget about it, ok.
It doesn't make me a bad mom. It doesn't make me a bad wife. I love my family. They're the best thing that has ever happened to me. Josh is a great dad. My boys are wonderful kids. They're fine without me and I trust them to be happy knowing I'm coming back refreshed and not anxious or rushed. They'll know I'll come back loving them even more than I did when I left.
But when I have a connection to the world I'm so insecure. Am I being a good enough wife? Am I screwing up my kids? Am I spending enough time with them? Could I be doing more? Will this person hate me if I tell them I have too much going on to help them also? Will they be upset if I just don't feel their "problem" is really even a problem and I just tell them to shutup? Will work be ok if I slow down just a little today? Will this person forgive me if I tell them I don't want to talk about their kids and I really just want to deliver their stupid mail? Will? Can I? Does he? What if?
If you're not insecure, you don't get it. I would love to be one of those people who didn't care what others thought of them. But I can't change that part of me. I won't let myself. Because that also means letting go of one of the parts I love most about myself: I care if a person is happy.
But three days of a break from that... I just want to cry thinking about it. Not sadness, but anxious just to have it.
Let me go somewhere where no one knows me. Where they'll forget I was even there. Let me hide away in a room and be lazy and not wonder what time I should get up because someone else will be home soon.
Let me not feel like a horrible person for being honest like this.

BYOCup

2013-12-29T08:44:00.000-08:00

The boys are 10. 10! In 4 months they turn 11. I miss them being little and their voices being adorable and still having the baby skin. But preteen is fun and amusing.

It's their baseball year. All those years getting them into baseball and being able to be there for games, I wasted. Now that I work days and only get one saturday off each 6 weeks, we're actually going to sign them up for baseball. Genius, right?

Delaying the team sports means we really needed to get them caught up on the game. A last minute winter baseball camp was required and believe it or not, I got them signed up!

They needed batting helmets and new gloves for camp. The trip to Dicks sporting proved Dick is actually a prick who requires lots of monies for you to have good sporting gear. But that's ok because my routies (people who actually like me on my route) were very loving with their wallets for Christmas tips and overtime pays bank and Josh's new job actually pays him almost what he's worth with his mad installing skills.
While the boys were lovingly testing out glove grips and making sure their helmets were snuggly around their ears and winding bats to point in the direction of their next home run like Babe Ruth, I found myself in the cup aisle. Oh, the cup. The item that makes girls giggle and boys thank God that someone else is just as worried about their penis as they are. And lets not forget about moms who want grandkids one day and dads who know what a baseball or a toddler's headbutt to the junk feels like. The cup aisle, safety at it's finest.
I wondered why cups have to look so fancy. No one is going to see it. Yes, women have bras of every size and color. We have Hello Kitty playfully holding our boobies at optimum cleavage level. The straps have designs that make a shirt shoulder slip still good fashion. And it's actually a job requirement in a bra shop to be able to measure our mean tatas. But bra fashion statements also serve a HUGE purpose... we're women and cute sells to us.
But a neon green cup or a bright orange with a masterlock tech weave in a cup? In what sports movie did you ever get to the love scene and the woman is lusting after a guy in nothing but a high fashion cup? Uuuuuhhh no, the cup is not on in movies. Why? Because it's a cup. A penis shield. The blocker. And I really hope Bruce, the first baseman, is not in the locker room squealing and pointing saying "Omg, Dude! That cup is so badass!" with the wearer going "It was a BOGO dude, I got a steal plate finish one with racing stripes for free. I'll show you that one tomorrow."

So, realistically, you guys are just as weak as women when it comes to frivolous fashion. Case and point! Now don't roll your eyes at us when we ask why you don't want the Homer Simpson boxers. We have Rainbow Dash panties. Don't be ashamed to want your batman-a-roos with the fake cape in the back. It's O'tay.

The thought on bras brought me to my next conundrum. Women wear bras daily. Girls get training bras to get them used to having a line of skin in the middle of their back itch hourly. We wear bras so our boobs don't hang and hurt or bounce us to death when we run. So why are guys not wearing cups daily when the male genitalia is in just as much danger?? I understand bats and balls and a stolen base slide into someone else's cleat hurts, but you can't convince me that playing sports is any more dangerous than a boy having a brother. The daily "Ouch!" followed with a boy walking to his room holding his crotch while the other laughs his head off with a guilty look and a misused spatula in his hand is proof boys need to wear cups daily. We should start them in training cups as soon as they laugh at their first penis joke. We'll call them nut buddies and they can even have their own super hero force show after them.
You can do this, my men friends! You can take your young son by the hand, lead him through the cup aisle, calm his nervousness, buy his first cup, and then wait till he gets home from school after his first day of wearing it so he can tell you all about how jealous his friends are that he got his first cup. It's how us moms roll with our daughters and training bras. I don't have daughters but I know that was a proud moment with my mom. You dad's deserve that moment too.
You say the cup is useless most of the day? I have the chest of a 10 year old girl and I still have to wear a bra. FEEL MY PAIN! WEAR A DAILY CUP!

I leave you with a nut montage of boys being boys to further prove my point. :)

Welcome back Kotter

2013-12-29T07:11:00.000-08:00

I can't say welcome back without the song going through my head...

It's been a while! Years even. Much has changed. My kids are now 10. I survived the 30 year mark of my life. We now live in Oregon. I no longer work nights. In fact, I no longer work a heavy labor job. I'm a mail carrier. Whoop whoop for a postal job promotion!
What hasn't changed? My husband :) Well he has, but in good way, not that he needed it. But he's still here and still wonderful so hopefully that never changes.
I was going to make a new blog about just my postal experiences (being a mail carrier is wonderful for the storybooks) but then I remembered I have too many blogs... that I don't write in...
So this one will be revamped (I don't know if I use that word appropriately but when I use it I sound smarter and more organized).
I'm thinking about changing it to Kauregon instead of Kauritis because we just found out I have rheumatoid arthritis and itis now reminds me of pain instead of something contagious. Did you know itis is actually the medical term for inflammation? I always thought itis was a bug you caught or something like that. Like "They caught the itis."
And I love love love Oregon.
So Kauregon would be awesome.
No wories if you like the name Kauritis though because I'm a procrastinator and changing things is not something we do well. Procrastination is the key!
Anyways, when I talk with my dad (who lives way too far away) and tell him stories mostly about what happens on my mail route, he says I should write it down and make a book someday. While writing is my dream, I'm not ready for a book criticism. So I'll just keep it all here for now :)

And because this show was funny

The were climbing the walls!

2010-11-20T17:24:00.000-08:00

I'm slightly bitter at this moment. I dropped my kids off at "The Lab" which is their elementary youth group. They have these bars on the walls and I've wondered what they are. I found out what they are and now my grrr face is here. They're climbing bars. The kids jump up, grab the bar, run up the wall, and flip off. WHERE WERE THOSE IN MY SUNDAY SCHOOL?!?!?! I want to file a complaint. I had Bible bingo and they get 20 min of play time, 45 min of Church, and then 10 min play time again before the parents come to get them. That way your kids are worn out and ready to relax and babble about what they learned that day. My kids are excited to go and they love to tell me what they learned that night. Where's my mind? It's back at those bars... staring... stewing... bittering... plotting... grrrrrrr. Ok so not plotting and I'm not really that upset, but still, their toys are so much more awesome!!!! *cries and plays with my My Little Pony that did NOTHING*

Japanese girl battles with her baby red pandas

2010-11-19T18:47:00.000-08:00

Dear cutest animals in the world,
Why is your cute fluffiness on the other side of the world from me? I just want to cuddle with you until PETA comes and tells me to put the fluffiness down. I don't mind if you punch me in the face while I'm sleeping. I'll even let you eat my food... not my cake, my food. If anyone tries to hurt you I'll kill them with my evil ninja mommy glare. So what do you say? It's a deal? Yay for fluffiness!
Love always,
Not so fluffy but still loveable me

Tim Hawkins-Scary Bedtime Prayer/ I'm a bad parent

2010-11-18T13:34:00.000-08:00

This video cracks me up. My parents prayed this with me as a kid and it was more reciting than actually knowing the words. But as I got older I knew what it meant and it seemed like a good prayers so I've been praying it with my kids. They even had a bear that when you squeezed it, it said this prayer and then added "But the angels watch me through the night, until I wake in mornings light." Seems like the bear knew how creepy the original was before I did.
Future prayer:
Dear God-dude,
Thanks for today and yesterday. Please let there be a tomorrow. I'll give you a cookie. If I have to die tonight please take me to Heaven... I'll give you a cookie. But I'd really like it if I could live. K thanx gnight.
Love always,
Me
P.S. I have plans this week. Please don't kill me.
P.P.S. I have cookies.

I would miss my dad

2010-11-17T11:05:00.000-08:00

I've been laying in bed not able to sleep... again. NO MORE CEREAL BEFORE BED!
Anyways my never ending thought process keeps going back to the same thing, I don't want to lose my dad.
No I'm not trying to be weird or morbid. At work I have a machine partner named James who lost his dad a little over a year ago. He didn't have a huge relationship with his dad for years prior to death but he still chokes up every time he mentions it. We were talking about parents and how we're getting to an age where we really notice our parents are aging also. I might still be really young in my head but life is telling me 27 is only 3 years away from 30 and that's when you're old. (No offense to you old geezers out there.) And if I'm old my parents are older and your body doesn't do so well the older it gets.
That thought made me want to cry.
A little bit about mine and my dad's past: My dad was only 18 when his dad died of a heart attack. I never met my grandpa and my dad really didn't talk about him that much but considering his job I'd say he was probably in shape.
I can't remember how old I was but I remember watching tv with my dad and he kept going out to the balcony in his and my mom's room. He was really worried and it was like this heaviness in the room that something was happening. He looked at me and said "My chest really hurts." I know I was pretty young because my response was "Think of something that doesn't hurt and you'll feel better." After my dad saw a cardiologist for the first time and we confirmed that my dad had been having small heart attacks it hit me that I was there. I should have called 911 or something. I know I was little but it was one of those moments where you knew something was really happening because I could remember so many details of that night and you know it's something you should be scared of if you just have that feeling.
When my dad had his angioplasty I didn't really understand what was going on. I figured that I loved my dad so I wouldn't lose him. It never entered my mind that people I love could die. It just doesn't happen. It's like you're the main character of a show and only the little insignificant people die off.
I was a little older when my dad had his bipass surgery. I'm not sure how it happened but his heart was struggling so hard to survive that it actually grew a connection from the front of one of the chambers to the back of the heart. I watched them do a video of his heart on a screen and a doctor explained to me the four chambers of your heart. My dad acted like it was the most exciting stuff in the world and I just wanted the hospital stuff to be done with. I was so arrogant and ignorant and every other stupid name in the book. I just wanted to go home and it didn't hit me till way too late in the game that my dad could have died.
When my dad came out of surgery we were able to see him. Durring a bipass they stop your heart so his skin was pale on the sides but he was covered in iodine on top. My dad held up his hand with the "I love you" sign and my mom started crying and said something about my dad being ok, dont worry Tom you're ok, you're not going anywhere. That's when it hit me first. This is real, this is happening, this is not ok, I'm not the main character of a book, he could have been gone, panic panic PANIC. But I didn't. I just stood there. My only thought was he can go home soon, we can go home, this can be done. And within minutes of thinking about home my panic was gone and I was in my ignorant reality where my dad would live forever.
My dad had a problem due to the surgery that kept him in the hospital for a while. I was so sick of walking through the double doors to get to his room, I hated walking back out of them. It was like jail. I wanted to see my dad. I would think about it all day until we pulled up to the hospital. But I wanted to see hime at home. Not there. You're ok at home, you're sick at the hospital. I hated the nurses so much. I hated the male nurse who had the cutsie designs on his uniform who got excited every time my dad got a new chicken noodle soup cup with a balloon attached saying get well soon. How about get well now? How about a card for me that tells me to wake up, get over myself, and realize life is happening. And how about when we get home instead of serving dinner out of those stupid cups we just smash them?
My mom was not my mom that whole time. It's like part of her had died. It wasn't until I met Josh that I really understood that feeling of if something ever happened to the person I love I would die. There's that connection. And I was such a butt to her even though she was so worried about my dad. The more I think about it the more I just want go back in the past and scream at myself to stop being so selfish and self involved.
But that feeling of knowing that life isn't forever really sunk in when I had kids. Now I'm seeing it from my dad's side. He didn't want to be there. He knew I wanted him home. He knew I didn't understand how final death was. And now I do know. But now I know so much that I almost want to be ignorant again. When I watch my husband or kids sleeping I watch for the rising and falling of the covers to make sure they're still sleeping. If it doesn't rise and fall enough for me to be sure I make a noise to halfway wake them up. Sometimes I just wake Josh up. Some days I'll let Josh or the boys sleep in and I'll think they should be up by now and then I start to worry and then I tell myself not to worry but then I get angry at myself and say if I don't check now and they're dead I'll hate myself forever for not being there.
I don't want life to be final. I don't want people to die and never come back. Every time someone dies someone loses someone they love, even if the person who died is a giant jerkface. I fully believe in Heaven but when I get to Heaven I won't know who my family or friends were. They'll just be faces in Heaven. I want to know them like I know them now and make memories, not remember memories. Death is too final for me.
I wish I would have thought all those times that I could have lost my dad. I wish I could take back every mean word and every action I've ever done to lose his trust. I wish I would have hugged him more as a kid. I wish I would have told him thank you every time he took me to Prescott with him on business. I know I still have time with him but I'm not a kid anymore. I'm married now. He's not the main man in my life. I really took him for granted.
Right now I'm on the phone with him. Halfway through all this I decided to call him and let him know I'm not ignoring him, I'm just homesick. I need to remember that there's going to be a day that I remember all this and I'm going to want to call him and just hear his voice but he won't be there.
I know this is all rambling this morning but I can't get this out of my head.
No more convos with James about parents dieing. I'll deal with it when it happens. Hopefully it wont be for years and years and hundreds of years.
But to anyone out there who's reading this who has lost a parent, I dont know what you're going through because thankfully it hasn't happened to me. But I know what being terrified of it feels like. I'm here for anyone that just wants to talk about how awesome their parents were...
And I'm here to kick some sense into your kids if they're taking you for granted.
I love my mom and dad.
I love my Josh.
I love my kids.
Thank you God so much for the second chances you've blessed me with. I get it now.

Kitchen Intruder Song

2010-11-16T13:22:00.000-08:00

A while back there was a joke between my WoW vent friends and me that started because I love food. People would say they were eating something and I would say I was on my way over. Somehow it turned into me creepin into people's windows and stealing their food. So... because my mind doesn't stop... I revamped a song.. just for jooo!
From my mind to your screen, the premier of the kitchen intruder song!

She’s in your frigerator
She’s snatchin' your cupcakes up
tryna eat em so y’all need to
hide yo forks, hide yo knives
hide yo forks, hide yo knives
hide yo forks, hide yo knives
and hide yo spoons yah
cuz she eatin' errything out here

you told her what you havin' fo lunch
She's lookin for you
she gon find you
she gon find you
so you can run and hide that,
run and hide that run and hide that,
grandma grand, grand, grandma

she got yo adress
you done left IP adress and all
you are so dumb
she gonna eat yo plumb... for real
the lady got away leaving behind dirty plates
my steak was stolen by a fat chick in the projects
so dumb, eat yo plumb, so dumb, so dumb

She’s in your frigerator
She’s snatchin' your cupcakes up
tryna eat em so y’all need to
hide yo forks, hide yo knives
hide yo forks, hide yo knives
hide yo forks, hide yo knives
and hide yo spoons yah
cuz she eatin' errything out here

you told her what you havin' fo lunch
She's lookin for you
she gon find you
she gon find you
so you can run and hide that,
run and hide that run and hide that,
grandma grand, grand grandma

*bows and rolls off stage*

I shake my fist at you sleep!

2010-11-15T14:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Life,
I'm having a hard time waking up today. It may not sound like a really bad thing but sleep is actually a pet peeve of mine. There's so much I could accomplish with out it. Yet my body requires at least 6 hours before I'm fully de-zombified. Most days I get the 6 hours but it tends to be broken up. I have to sleep days because I work nights, with the exception of my 2 offnights each week where I actually sleep nights. So pretty much my schedule is already whack. On days where I sleep days I get phone calls, people knocking on the door, outside noise, and insomnia. Why don't I just turn off my phone? Because I have kids in school and need my phone just in case of an emergency with them. Why do I answer the door? Because people are stupid and will just keep knocking if they see your car in the driveway. The best is on Saturdays when the boy's friend Manny wants to play. If you don't answer the door he knocks every 5 seconds and refuses to give up. It doesn't help that my kids will peek out their window to see who it is even though they know they can't go out between 10:30 and 2. Josh leaves at 10:30 and I really need to sleep until 2. Considering I let them play from 2-8 on Saturdays plus the time that Josh is home they get enough play time so you can stop calling me a mean mom :( And their friends know this schedule but apparently most parents don't teach their kids not to be annoying, even if the kid is 10 years old and my kids knew better at 5. On my nights off I wake up at 2:30am, 3am, 5am, 6am, and 7am. Why? Those are my dispatch times at work. I don't know how single mom's do it. Without Josh I would go crazy because he makes it a point to let me nap and on his days off he tries talking me into sleeping. Add to my bad sleeping habits the fact that I have a bad back and wake up to back spasms. Today I just couldn't fall asleep. But no matter what time I go to sleep on the weekdays I have to get up at 2:30 to get the boys from school. So can you see why I hate sleep? Here's more reasons I hate sleep-
If there was no sleep I would:
- Not be so cranky
- Have time to myself
- Have time to get the house clean
- Not drive like a zombie
- Not terrify the town people
- Be more optimistic
- Not bite old ladies
- Find a unicorn
- Prove the answer to life and its many questions is actually 42
- Be a pro kayaker
- Shave a puma
- Be a better mom
- Be a better wife
- Ect. because I love typing ect. Does anyone actually know its Et Cetera? It should be EtC

So here's my idea. We get rid of sleep all together. We'll evolve to love it. Except kids will still need at least 5 hours of sleep just so parents can get some free relaxation time. That's not selfish, it's preventing psychokilling parents from finding their kill side. Work will not be able to change a 40 hour work week from being the norm. We will add a hugging hour to each day because I love hugs. If you don't have kids to keep safe, you are required to play night time hide and seek with your friends for at least an hour and if you don't giggle at least once you get a kick in the pants. And when we all go fight club crazy from lack of sleep we can all be crazy together. You can applaud me for my awesome idea here.
With love from me to you,
The Kwedos
-

5T25K

2010-11-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

5T25K is an idea I came up with a while ago when I first thought I was going to do a 5k. I didn't want to do it on my own so I thought if I got a group together with the same idea that we'd stick together. It didn't happen. The group didn't even happen. You can't rely on people for motivation unless you show them why you want to be motivated.
I've been a part of a group called sparkpeople for a few years. It's facebook for fat people where we all get together and talk about how our fat is our prison. Then we pat each other on the back, say you can do it, and hope it works. That's how us fat people roll. Why do we need a support group? Because whether the world wants to see it as one or not, food has become an addiction. It's like drugs or alcohol or smoking, except you HAVE to eat, so it's the biggest bitch of all addictions. Add to it the fact that it's a self defeating addiction. The only way to get rid of it is to eat less, eat better, and exercise more. While that may sound easy it's really not. So this is going to have be an "You're not fat you wouldn't understand" group. I usually try to stay away from those things but I really don't want the comments from ignorant skinny people, no offense ignorant skinny people... I hate you all. :) I really do. :)
So my idea for 5t25k is to put myself out there. Weekly I'll do a video that includes me saying what I've been doing that week to lose weight, put some exercise ideas out there, and pretty much have an online video journal of me becoming an ignorant skinny person. Hopefully this will motivate others to lose the weight too. 5t25k means Five tons to five kilometers. That says I want to make a chain of motivation that will directly affect 10,000 pounds of weight loss. It will be that thing in my life that I can look back and say I made my mark. Along with the videos I'll post my daily thoughts and ideas, recipes, and let people follow me from 300 lbs (yes I'm 300 lbs) down to 150. When I get to 150 I'll pass the torch onto someone else and stay for support to people who don't think it can be done... while I wear a freakin awesome outfit that only a skinny person can wear. In public I'll be wearing my 5t25k tshirts at least once a week to kind of get the idea going, I'll pull together groups to do 5k's or walk or do something healthy together, and hopefully I'll reach other people in other states to get groups together also. I want to lead the group because I know with my personality I won't let a group down. At least I'm praying I won't let them down.
I'm pretty sure I can do this. I've even started on the shirts.
5t25k won't be part of this blog. It's actually going to be a completely different blog and eventually turn into it's own page with a forum. I plan on getting the first video done by Wednesday.
The reason I've posted this here on this blog is because I need ideas. If anyone has ideas I'd love to hear them. I'd also like to get the word out.
So here's where you pat me on the back and tell me I can do this... pat my back.... now.... DO IT NOW!

I'm black so you wouldn't understand

2010-11-13T16:25:00.000-08:00

Please don't take this title as I'm just here to rag on black people. I'm talking to the Jersey Shore kids, the gangsta wangstas, the Asian kids, and the white trash. I'm going piss off a ton of people and I'm fully ok with this.

This morning I woke up not able to sleep. I took the last two nights off of work to try and get rid of an ongoing master of all annoying headaches. It would help if I could sleep past 4 am. So maybe I'm a little cranky. Maybe the headcold is really melting my brain into a sticky mess of goo. Maybe I'm hitting a topic that I just dont understand but hey I'm actually saying something about it rather than ignoring it.

I just watched World of Jenks: life of a rap star.
That was redonculous. I kept watching Maino and thinking, dude you're a father? "Yo I'm from da hood man. I got cut like a foo in jail dawg. I gots two bitches AT LEAST every night dawg. We drank and we pahty till I'm like what." Wow great representation of who you are there buddy. And then he literally chokes Jenks when Jenks says "You have a following you have kids you're a representation and all you do is drink and stick your middle finger up in the air. This is your life." The bodyguard was pulling Maino off of him saying "Let him live. Let this guy live." WHAT?!?!
This is why I hate steryotypes. In order to "represent" your race you have to be a moron.

Black people (and yes I say black people, your skin is considered black. mine is white. pale white to be exact. you can call me white face for all I care, call me cracker i really don't mind) you're all from the ghetto even if you're from DENVER COLORADO (real ghetto man, real ghetto). You gotta be hard. You gotta love rap. You gotta step up in someones face and bump your chest to theirs if you're mad. Then you press undying love on 2 out of your eight children because you actually love that baby momma, for now. The rest of them fools need to get off your paycheck or you're gonna stop providin their momma with some crack. You have to hate me because I'm white and assume that I've always had it easy. And you're apparently the only race that can like chicken. Oh and juice thats purple.

Half of the White people, get outcher gun son. Wees gonna shoot some der. Then we gonna drink a ber. *spit* Gotta watch some football, yip.Tell yer woman to make me a sammich then get her pretty little toosh in my bed so I can smack her like a caveman and show her whos daddy because Im the man in this here house. Yip. We's real men whin we tells our women folk whet to doo and waste our tiny paycheck on ber.
Other half of white people, like oh mah gah is that a puppy in your purse? Of course it is! You're a female and don't understand dogs have feet! I have to go to Harvard because my skin color told me so. I'm on anti depressants and crazy because it gets me attention. Go have a problem so I can talk behind your back. Yayyyy I'm such a hypocrite! I believe in Jesus. I've never read the Bible but HE'S SO AWESOME! My pastor told me so. Oh no wait, Elle and Cosmo told me I'm supposed to be athiest now. Gah, I'm such an idiot. Lets get some chinese for dinner.Yayyyy!

Crunkin Mexicans (I have to say that because I actually think Mexicans are the least moronic race out there and there's only a small percentage of them that just need to go jump off a cliff) eh vato, I gots new rimz esse, why don't you steal them and sell them for some new wife beaters and socks that go up to your knees mahn. Tell those bitches to get their @#$#@ on my @#$#@@# so they can have my @#$#@@#@# baby and I can drink our life away. Turn on that music that sounds like polka because I only really listen to reggetone when I'm low ridin in my cchhevy so I can be seen by the ladies mahn. I don't wanna be seen by my babies mama though because she gets all angry and #@$@# when Im creepin on the highschool girls that are the same age as my daughter that we had when I was 13 mahn. I'm gonna bump my ride as loud as I possibly can even though I got a two year old in the backseat who's now deaf and not in a car seat because the car seat makes my ride look like a soccer mom's van. See my grill mahn? See these tats that say R.I.P. to people I don't even know? I saved up for them mahn, good thing I have WIC, Food Stamps, Medicaid, and only had to stab a few bitches. My gangs got me homie. They know how I roll. They're my bandana homies mahn. I'm wearin red and you're wearing blue so I'm gonna have to cut joo (even though blue is a really good color on you. I like how it accentuates your eyes and @#$#$ vato)! Yah I know riight?

Asians, that's right, you keep sticking to yourself. Make the master race. Don't mingle with the rest of us. Theres a club across the street from you but you keep drivin till you find one that says Asians only on the outside. You keep assuming you're better than me and I'll keep assuming you only know about computers and comic books and anime. Make sure you're girlfriends panties are showing because you're Asian and at all times she has to be a slut right? I would say more about you but I'm white and you can't talk to me right? I'm low class right? I'm frugal and don't really care if my clothes are name brand so I'm a lepper right? How dare you say you enjoy eating a taco! You can't be seen at Taco Bell! That place is dirty!... Stick to your own, you're good at that.

Jersey kids, I would talk to you now but you're still at the club or on the phone. Get back to me when you're done keeping the STD pool flowing. They don't have a cream for that one but I heard if you bang enough people and enough people have it no one will notice anymore. No I'm not talking to the females, they can't understand words over 4 letters. But you guys, here's what you do. You find a woman, you tell her she's beautiful and THE ONE and then you do what you want with her, make her feel pathetic, and get her a cab home before your next slut shows up. That makes you a real man. But don't tell mama. She still thinks you're an angel. But papa, ehhhhhh, he's proud of his little manwhore. Show uncle Vinny (who's name is actually Eric) some love when you pick up your sister and tell her to stay away from men like you and hate on all her boyfriends because THEY'RE JUST LIKE YOU. Thanks for being on TV and making everyone associated with you look like a fool. I bet your family is real proud of you.

Is everyone ok with what I just said? Or are you offended? I am too. But no one really seems to be talking out about it. I'm going to make my own race. We're going to be known as losers because we don't fit into a steryotype but I promise you it will keep you out of jail. It will also keep your parents happy and not make your children ashamed of you. It will keep your marriages happy, keep your friends from talking behind your back, and keep you from killing yourself by the age of 30. I'm going to call it the Individuals race.

In the Individuals race we dont require you to cuss or wave your middle finger to the beat of the radio. We don't require you to demoralize women. In fact we're probably the only safe race for you if you're a woman. We don't require you to wake up in front of a toilet completely wasted to be cool. We like your liver. You don't have to be afraid to walk in our house even if our skin colors arent the same shade. We absolutely have no problem with you keeping your genital area to yourself. It's yours, take care of it. If you don't make a million dollars a month we will not kick you out of our race. I won't make you drink out of my shoe to show me respect. If you want to drink out of my shoe, I'm not sure I'm ok with it but hey, that's how you roll. Oh and please leave your guns outside of my house. There's no der in here and I'm sure none of the Jets or the Sharks will be snapping a sing song rivalry tune in my house.

We do have some requests though. Don't be an asshole. It's not cool man and as an adult you should know that by now. Be respectful of others. You're not the only one walking around here. Share, stupid head! Don't lie about where you're from or how hard you are. Your life makes you unique and not everyone looks good with fake monkies on their back or imaginary thorns in their side. Use your brain. It's the thing between your ears that generally tells you right from wrong or when you're being STUPID. Don't listen to people when they tell you you have to do this or do that becuase of your skin color or family background. They're not attached to you, they don't own you, they can't live for you. Stop going at it like monkies. Sex makes babies, they're YOUR responsibility. If you can't take care of the baby, put the penis down and back away from it.

And if you don't like any of these rules heres the ONLY rule you have to follow to be in the individuals race.
BE YOURSELF.
There's no one like you. Be unique. Clones are bad, didn't you watch Star Wars?

We're not from the ghetto. My parents aren't divorced. In fact I rarely ever saw them fight in front of me so call me sheltered if you want. I even went to private school. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. But I think we all have something in common. We're all human. We all have to live in a scummy world. Some have it harder, I know, but no ammount of pain gives you the right to be a butt nugget. No childhood memory gives you the right to act like an idiot and make things harder for the next generation. How about I apologize to you and say it sucks that you had to go through that and I'm here for you if you want to talk about it. I'll even give you a hug and get you some ice cream. Every race loves ice cream. It's like happiness for the tongue. I will never be Laura from the Bronx. Jenny can keep the bronx. I'm Laura from life. We're all experiencing it. I'm not black so I don't understand but you're not black either, you're you. I don't wanna hear the racial excuses anymore. Tell me more about you and a ton less about your race. It doesn't make you what you are. So if I have not been a bitch to you, please don't be a bitch to me. I'm a nice person. I swear I am. Can we please get along?

My kids are up now.
Jonathan likes sports and acting. He's very into video games. Someday he wants to drive race cars and be a scientist. He love chicken and grape juice but he's not black, sorry.
Cole is a lover. He sees a person with a problem and stays by their side until they're better. He likes to tell jokes. Sometimes he can be a bit overdramatic but he's back to being his goofy loveable self within seconds.
I hope they stay themselves forever.
The first person to tell them there's a box they have to live in because of their skin color, gender, or family, IMMA CUT JOO FOO!