Kaza's Place

Beyond Irritated by Town Hall Disruptions

2009-08-16T10:48:00.004-05:00

I have lost my patience with the behavior of certain individuals at the recent town halls. These disruptions are blatant attempts to shut down discourse. And these actions are performed by people who are either stupid enough to believe that a public health care option would include something as ridiculous as "death panels" or unethical enough to spread these lies because they believe that anything is justified in their goal of derailing health care reform. But what really gets under my skin is the silence of the allegedly rational individuals on the right who should be coming forward to lay the smack down on those in their party who excuse, advocate, or (worst of all) organize these actions.

It's about a public health care OPTION, folks. If you don't have health insurance, you will have the OPTION to select the public plan. If you have insurance, you will be able to keep it. There will NOT be anything like a "death panel." Anyone telling you that this will happen is lying to you. As for concerns of how to pay for it, you're already paying (in many ways) for everyone who doesn't have health insurance, and it's only going to get worse. We taxpayers will be paying either way. I would rather pay for every citizen to have health insurance coverage and be proud of my country's public option than pay for the consequences of failing to provide our citizens with this basic right and continue to feel ashamed of our lack of such an option. And by the way, a public option is NOT socialism. As much as we would benefit from a more socialist approach to many social problems, we will be no closer to socialism with a public health care option than we are now with the Medicare option for senior citizens. So let's stop the nonsense and get down to the business of figuring out HOW, not if, we should do this.

If you haven't seen this yet, check out Jon Stewart Vs. Town Hall Crazies on The Huffington Post. Awesome.

The Secret to Productivity

2009-07-22T21:25:00.003-05:00

Shhh... I have discovered the secret to productivity. And because I am your bloggy friend, I am going to share it with you. (Warning: you're not going to like it!)

Step 1: Drink coffee. (However much you need.)

Step 2: Plant your butt in your seat (desk, reading chair, whichever seat the task calls for).

Step 3: Start working. DO NOT check email accounts, Twitter, your blog, or any other site on the internet that is not directly related to the work at hand!

Step 4: Keep working.

Step 5: Break for lunch.

Step 6: Return to your work. Again, DO NOT do any of the forbidden activities listed in Step 3!

Step 7: In the late afternoon (around 4:00 or 5:00), you then may check your email, blog, etc.

See? I told you that you weren't going to like it. But, dude? It totally WORKS! I have been more productive in the last week of practicing this discipline than I've been in months.

Now, this of course won't work for you quite as well if your work requires that you check email or other websites regularly. But if you limit yourself to only the absolutely necessary internet activity, and develop some rules for when/how long you will deal with email at a time, it still might work for you.

It isn't nearly as much fun as twittering the day away, but it's much better for actually getting something accomplished.

I'm One Homesick Nut

2009-07-10T12:45:00.002-05:00

Thank you to my Twitter friend and fellow California native @TwentyFour for giving me yet another reason to miss my home state and all of my fellow "fruits & nuts." My friends, I give you her post on the annual Amtrak Mooning ritual. Enjoy.

Trying a Bullet Post

2009-07-07T15:05:00.002-05:00

Everyone seems to apologize for bullet posts, yet I enjoy reading them, so why not give it a try? I’m not sure how the formatting works, so I’m trying a cut & paste from a Word document.

* I have a cold.
* It’s not that bad, but I still whine a lot about it.
* Only on my blog and Twitter though. I don’t whine much at home.
* The Little One is interrupting me about every 20 minutes this afternoon.
* It’s making me crazy. I’m not a jack-in-the-box. I’m a mommy.
* It’s 3:00 again. How did this happen? Another day ran away from me.
* Bullet lists are easier than writing a real post.
* Maybe bullet lists are responsible for Twitter?
* It makes sense. Short bursts of thoughts and all.
* Little One is playing “computer” w/ an old keyboard and a Build-A-Bear box.
* She’s acting like me, getting impatient with her stuffed animal “child.”
* I'm so busted.
* Nothing like your kid imitating you to make you feel like a crap mom.
* But seriously, no one can do anything if interrupted every 20 minutes.
* Except maybe a bullet post.

Dreaming of a Lazy Saturday

2009-07-04T11:14:00.002-05:00

It's Murphy's Law: on the days that you feel antsy and want to get out of the house and be social, you will have no plans and there will be nothing going on. But then it's the 4th of July and you have to go to a barbecue party but of course you want nothing more than to lounge around watching movies. I wish my moods and my schedule would get on the same page.

What makes today's plans more annoying is that it's a work function (hubs' colleagues) and my former partner in crime (our "crime" being drinking wine and gossiping in the house while we let the husbands watch the kids try to injure themselves outside) won't be there this year because they moved away. This also means that my daughter's old playmate, their child, won't be there either. Add to the equation the fact that the thing starts in the early afternoon, SEVEN HOURS BEFORE FIREWORKS, and you have a recipe for a bored, annoyed Kaza. It's called planning, people! If you want folks to stick around to attend the fireworks show together, start your party around six, not shortly after lunchtime. Simple math. (And no, we cannot wait to attend later, because our colleagues tend to be those people who tell you to come "around 3" but if you don't show up until 4 they're annoyed because they timed the food for exactly three. Of course those who do this either don't have small children or have grown children and can't recall what it was like to corral them.)

Moving on. The glasses? Were totally wrong! Something about the coating making the one lens "slip." Whatever. At least it wasn't my imagination or inability to adjust. I'm awaiting the re-do now, and hoping they get it right this time. My work? Going great. Loving the summer without teaching so I can focus on writing my articles. The kidlet? Enjoying summer like crazy.

I Hate My New Glasses

2009-06-25T15:42:00.003-05:00

You may remember a year ago, when I wrote in a panic that I had broken my eyes? I had worked on the computer too long (okay, you got me, I was actually blogging and reading blogs) and was experiencing significant eyestrain (as in so bad that I couldn't even watch t.v., for crap's sake!). I knew I needed new glasses, but fear of a dreadful diagnosis of some rare degenerative eye disease kept me away from the eye doc all year long.

Well, another recent bout of strain inspired me to face my fear and make an immediate appointment. I am delighted to report that I (of course) do not have a rare degenerative eye disease. I am less than delighted though, with my new glasses. I opted for progressive lenses. I had heard it can take time to adjust to them, so I expected that they would be a little strange at first. But this? This will just not do. The distance vision is okay, though I am annoyed by the distortion on the sides. But I can barely read, as I can only read two or three words and I'm then turning my head back and forth trying to focus again for the end of the sentence. IT IS TORTURE. And I cannot use them on the computer at all. USELESS.

I realize they may not have done a thorough fitting. I realize that perhaps they were even done incorrectly (the right lens is highly suspect). But in the end it could take two weeks to adjust, IF I even CAN adjust to them. Because one little tidbit of information that I have since discovered is that some people never do. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN USEFUL INFORMATION TO HAVE BEFORE DECIDING WHETHER TO GET THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Did the eye doc not understand me when I explained that I read and work on the computer for many hours each day? Did he not realize that I need an optimal solution here? These glasses must work flawlessly for all focal lengths (or whatever the hell they call them) or this just isn't right for me. I asked for them only because I thought they would make my life easier, not worse. I was okay with two pairs of glasses. Sure, I had a dream of reading and watching t.v. at the same time like I used to, switching effortlessly between the two activities with the same pair of glasses. But I'm okay with two pairs as long as they each do their job perfectly well.

I know I'll get the situation fixed, either way. But I can't fix the underlying truth here: my body is aging. I will never have the eyesight I once had, and that just sucks. I don't mind the few extra pounds, or even the wrinkles that are just starting to accumulate around my eyes and mouth (hell, a couple of them are even giving me a false dimple, something I always wished I had!). Most of the signs of middle age are no big deal. But because I am a compulsive, obsessive reader whose livelihood and enjoyment are dependent upon my ability to read and write, I'm not dealing with the aging of my eyes very well. I'm grumpy about it. Grrrr.

Not That You Asked...

2009-06-18T16:17:00.003-05:00

But I feel compelled to explain, nonetheless, why I have not posted much, in spite of my assurances that I was "back" now that the university teaching year is over. I have thought about posting many times. I even started a post yesterday, a long one, but managed to bore myself so thoroughly that I stopped and deleted every word (saving the blank post so that even the draft was gone for good).

I'm having a bit of a "blogdentity crisis," or at least that's the (non-)word that comes to mind. My life has changed in some simple yet profound ways in the last year, and I am uncertain as to the purpose of this blog (or even if I want to write in this way just now). When I started I thought of myself as a "mommyblogger," though my (mis)adventures as a mama of a small child were certainly the focus of many posts. I needed a virtual space that was all mine, where I could vent and rant and let it all hang out. I had a few things to say and a place in which to say them.

But now? I don't seem to have much to say here these days. Part of it is the easygoing nature of our days this summer: we do our writing in the mornings in our offices, leave by noon to pick up the Little One from her summer preschool program, come home to eat lunch together, and then we each spend the afternoon enjoying the pursuit of our own choice. Obviously this leaves a lot of room for blogging. And yet I can't seem to blog. What on earth would I write about? What we ate for lunch? Which book I might read that afternoon? What we might eat & drink for dinner? There are many of you out there who can make such small details come alive on the page, but I am not like you. When I try to write about something like that? Zzzzzzz...

So. I don't know if I will write that much this summer after all. And I'm going to release myself from the obligation. I'm going to read all of your blogs for awhile. Maybe I'll find inspiration. Or maybe I'll just enjoy the reading but still have nothing I want to write here. Maybe I'll just link you all to the good stuff I find. Maybe I'll actually try writing the mundane details of our summer. Maybe I'll just write about the food and wine we're enjoying. The possibilities are like these summer days, so many still stretched out before me, making me smile with the luxury of doing just as I please for much of every day. I haven't been this relaxed for years.

SO Glad I Don't Have Eight Kids! (But Wish I Already Had Two.)

2009-05-24T10:51:00.005-05:00

Or seven, or six, or five, or four, or three. And quite honestly, I'm deeply ambivalent about whether I even want two. I'm truly happy with my one amazing daughter. I used to want two or three. I even thought maybe four. But then I became a mother, and parenting was no longer theoretical, it was my life, and it was SO much harder than I had expected. I quickly revised my ideal number to two.

About a year after the Little One was born, I very suddenly and desperately wanted another one. This is apparently very common. Something about surviving that first year with your firstborn and becoming incredibly nostalgic and wanting to do it all over again. And I thought it would be good if my kids were close in age. Good for us, to get through the tough stages faster, and good for them, to improve the chances that they could be friends as well as siblings.

When she was about 20 months old, we had an "oops" moment and conceived. It was a welcome "oops" pregnancy, as we were planning to try for another child soon thereafter. We were excited, and I was determined not to be as anxious this time around. Our first pregnancy had ended quickly in an early miscarriage, and though this is very common (not to mention something we might not have even known about in the days before the early home pregnancy tests), it was devastating for us. From the moment we knew we had conceived the Little One we became exceedingly anxious. And though I enjoyed the pregnancy overall, the anxiety definitely put a damper on the whole experience. So this time, I wasn't going to give in.

As the first weeks went on, the Hubster was doing pretty well in keeping the anxiety at bay as well. He was calm and supportive and reassuring that all would be well. As for me, my only concession to worry was to occasionally say "I only want to see that little heartbeat and then I'll be fine." We were out of town around week 8, so our second appointment was pushed ahead to somewhere between weeks 9 and 10. My wonderfully understanding OB had promised an ultrasound at this appointment, to help reassure us, so we knew we would be able to see our little peanut. I was excited about the appointment, eager to receive that reassurance.

In a way, though intellectually I knew it didn't work like this, I felt that if I didn't worry, everything would be fine. Magical thinking, I guess. So I worked hard at keeping the anxiety at bay, and I was certain that everything would be fine. When the OB couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler, something he said he could usually do with someone as slender as I was at the time, I didn't feel any panic or dread. I completely believed him when he said everything was probably just fine. And he had promised an ultrasound to check things out anyway, and I didn't want to miss out on that. So in a way I was absurdly relieved that he couldn't find it, because I was afraid that if he did, he wouldn't order the ultrasound. Can you believe that? I was RELIEVED. I didn't WANT him to find it. I wanted to see the peanut. It didn't even occur to me to begin to get nervous.

We went down the hall to the room where they do the ultrasounds, and the tech soon had me ready to go. She soon found the peanut, and began pointing out the features of the "sac" and "fetal pole," all familiar to us as second-time expectant parents. I still didn't see anything wrong. I was just waiting for her to find the little pulsing light that would signify the peanut's heartbeat. I knew it would be there somewhere. It had to be. But then she suddenly said, "I'm sorry, I don't see a heartbeat," and began to shut off the equipment. Just. like. that.

I stared at her, stunned, as the Hubster squeezed my hand. My eyes sprouted tears before I even knew I would cry. I wanted to yell at her, to shout, "KEEP LOOKING! It has to be there! Keep looking, please!!!" She had to be wrong. The moment had become surreal.

(Ultrasound techs out there? Do us a favor. Take the moments to KEEP LOOKING. You know it's over, you know you're not going to find it. But the patient is not the image, the patient is a woman on the table, with her partner or other loved one by her side, and she needs you to at least pretend to keep looking. Let her see that it isn't there. Don't stop so abruptly. Because it will take us a few moments to catch up with you, and we need to see it for ourselves.)

We went back to the exam room, where the OB expressed condolences for the loss and talked to us about how to proceed. The evidence showed that the peanut had probably died around seven and a half to eight weeks, which meant that my body wasn't miscarrying as it should have. I didn't even know how to process that information. I was sort of relieved that I hadn't begun to bleed at home, for I knew how awful that was, but I felt sick to think that I had been walking around for possibly as long as two weeks without knowing what had happened inside of me. How did I not know? The OB offered two options: wait a bit to see if my the miscarriage would happen naturally, or have a D&C. I chose the latter.

Before they wheeled me in for the procedure I asked my OB one more time if he was sure it was over. We wanted to believe that they had been wrong. He took a moment to sit and explain everything, detailing the evidence from the ultrasound. He also told me that he was a man of faith and that there was no way he would be doing this if he had any doubt. I'm not a religious person, so my physician's faith had never been of concern to me in my medical care (and to tell you the truth, I don't really want my physician relying too much on God's will, just in case it makes him/her not fight as fiercely for my life in a critical moment!), but I did find this reassuring in this moment.

Physically, I recovered quickly (the whole D&C was a breeze actually), but emotionally it took me some time to feel better, as it does for everyone. Some days were tougher than expected. My birthday was bad (the baby's due date), Christmas was slightly melancholy (we "should" have had two kids), and when my birthday came around again I felt a little blue realizing that the baby would have been a year old already.

We had put pregnancy plans on hold for awhile after the D&C, but tried again last summer, trying to time it for early this summer. We're now debating whether to try this summer. The Hubster wants another child, the Little One keeps talking about a baby sister, but I'm feeling more ambivalent than ever. Things are finally falling into place. My career is about to be properly launched. The Little One is entering her final year of preschool. We're out of diapers, pull-ups, and even those nighttime underpants. The sippy cups are gone. We sold the stroller, high chair, and pack-n-play months ago. I'm turning 42. I'm feeling beyond this stage of having babies and taking care of an infant, a toddler, a three-year-old. I had a ROUGH postpartum period, for months, and really don't want to experience that kind of thing ever again. It took two years to really feel like myself again, and three years to completely recover my mental sharpness. And above all, we are a happy little family. Why mess with perfection?

And yet... I'm feeling a little bit of melancholy to realize that this will be the last year of preschool, that a year from now I won't be the mommy of a very small child anymore. I can't yet part with the baby and toddler clothes stored in my garage. I'm old enough that I can't really change my mind in a few years. (Yes, I know that maybe I physically COULD, but I have no interest in pregnancy after a certain point. I barely have interest in it now.)

I didn't really intend to tell this whole story today. I was sitting here trying to think of something to write, staring at an episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 on the t.v. (big marathon this weekend in preparation for the juicy season premiere tomorrow night ... stop judging me, you KNOW you're gonna watch it), taking in yet another scene of a roomful of screaming children and feeling intensely grateful that my house is never filled with such a cacophony, so I started to write about that. Posts sometimes have a mind of their own.

Serious Laziness

2009-05-21T09:43:00.004-05:00

That's what's going on around here... nothin' but laziness. But I'm not very good at it anymore somehow. I puttered around yesterday for hours trying to begin various activities but couldn't get anything started. The office redesign took all of my energy, but also resulted in chaos in nearly every other room because I had piled all of the junk from the office in the dining room and laundry room and tore apart two closets to get all of the books out. On Monday I had so much energy that I figured I would spend the rest of the week doing the closets and other rooms. HA! I seemed to have forgotten that I am nearly 42, not 24, and the old girl tuckers out more quickly now. Particularly at the end of the academic year, when I'm just fried.

Somewhere around 4:00 I finally settled into my favorite chair and opened a book (Appetite for Life, a fantastic biography of Julia Child, which is a dense but delicious book that I started reading about three summers ago and am finally about to finish). And I realized that this was precisely what I should have done hours before, when I first felt the utter torpidity take over my being.

We (and when I say "we," I mean my husband) finished the day by grilling thick salmon fillets. (FYI for spelling freaks like me: In the previous sentence I first typed filet, but it looked wrong, and so I googled both words and discovered that filet and fillet are actually interchangeable.) We devoured them with copious amounts of risotto and a bit of salad and bread, and collapsed onto the couch to watch the latest episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey (yo!).

So what will today bring? Will I have the energy to tackle a closet or clean the clutter on my dining room table? Or will I give up and sit my butt down in my reading chair and finish that book? Stay tuned for the exciting developments...

Staycation

2009-05-18T11:20:00.003-05:00

I’ve put myself on vacation this week. We aren’t going anywhere, so it isn’t a real vacation, but I needed a way to ensure that I wouldn’t even open my work email for an entire week. (Even though it's summer break and I'm technically on leave for three months, I usually check email daily and reply to any queries from students, colleagues, administration, etc.). I enabled the vacation auto-reply feature on Friday afternoon and have not checked it since. I was tempted to check it this morning, just to see what’s in there (no doubt students complaining about grades), but resisted the impulse.

I have needed to get things in serious order in this house for ages, and I promised myself to do just that first thing this summer. We’ve begun with a redesign of our home office space, which doubles as a guest room. It’s never looked quite right, and neither of us liked to spend much time in there, so now that the rest of the house is pretty much finished it’s time to tackle it. We put in two bookcases, bought a new bedset for the guest bed, and cleared all of the junk out. Now I’m populating the bookcases, freeing our books from the closet shelf exile they’ve endured since we moved here (in 2006!). Then I’ll have to tackle the dreaded office closet, into which every miscellaneous item has been shoved for those same three years. Gulp. This is going to take courage. And endurance. Wish me luck.

UPDATE: It took me ALL DAY just to organize the books and get them in the shelves. I would never have believed it would take that long. Of course it could have been the completely obsessive way I organized them by type, size, and color before putting them in. And then the fact that the kidlet insisted on placing each and every one (at least she followed my instructions, so I didn't have to re-do). But we had fun with it, and I put on some old tunes (cassette tapes I found in the closet) and we danced and sang like lunatics. (I haven't done that in ages, and discovered that a 4-year-old is your best companion for such antics.)

Every Day Can Be Saturday for the Next 3 Months

2009-05-16T16:48:00.002-05:00

Yes, that's right beyotches, the finals and papers are evaluated, the grades are submitted, and I am FREEEEEE for three whole months. Not that I won't work, but it will be on my time. Also on my dime, since we aren't paid in the summer, but who cares? We saved all year long, so we're set.

Around lunchtime today I found myself feeling a bit anxious, as Saturday was slipping away too quickly already. But then I remembered... I am in the time of the endless weekend, the perk that makes being generally underpaid (relative to the investment of time and money getting the Ph.D.) well worth it. This, my friends, is a big part of why we get into academia. It isn't the only reason, of course. I truly adore the teaching and research and writing and can't imagine doing anything else. And I'll be enjoying it even more now that I have the security of entering the tenure-track (and at a university that seems likely to weather the tough economy).

But I digress. The point is that my summer has begun, and that makes Kaza want to SQUEEE!!! That does mean that I'll have to come up with things to blog about. I gave the dusty old blog a bit of a cleaning and a new look. It's not exactly a makeover, but it was time for a change and I've wanted to go 3-column for ages. Let me know what you think.

As for me, I spent the last two hours playing with the kidlet: Barbies, Dora dolls, beauty parlor, and "big sister/little sister" (that's a new one she came up with today). She had a blast and was delighted that mommy was finished with her work and could play with her for so long. I'm completely exhausted and I have a headache from that high-pitched voice she uses for every doll (what is up with that?). I have earned my martini, my friends, and I'm going to go shake one up rightthisminute.

Happy Mama's Day!!!

2009-05-10T17:27:00.002-05:00

I am having the most wonderful Mother's Day yet. They've all been great, but this year has been idyllic. They let me sleep until I wanted to get up (I made it all the way to 9:30, which is hilarious considering I was still capable of sleeping past noon before I had the Little One, even at age 35!). They fed me orange rolls and coffee. The Little One gave me the most beautiful handmade cards a 4-year-old has ever made (I know some of you might want to challenge me on this, but it's simply true). She gave me tons of hugs all day long and continued to make drawings. She and her daddy let me watch chick t.v. and read my book. Her daddy popped the champagne for me (real champagne, Perrier-Jouet!) at 5:00, and I've had two glasses already. (Mmmmmm.) He is now making me salsa, and after the Little One goes to bed (she falls asleep early on no-nap days like this) he'll make me fish tacos, I'll drink yet more delicious champagne, and we'll watch a movie together (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, my request). It's pretty much perfect.

This age is so great. At 4, she's so amazing, so capable, so helpful, so much fun, and my only complaint is that she sometimes gets too chatty. But she's such a good girl that if we tell her we need her to stoptalkingconstantlyforawhile, she gamely occupies herself with a quieter task or goes into her room to continue the chatter to her dolls and stuffed animals. She was really into making this a great Mother's Day for me, and I have loved every moment. I'm soaking it up, because I know it won't always be this way.

I must say though that my heart is with those in our mommyblogger family who have experienced devastating losses lately. I only just found out about two such events, and my heart is a bit heavy for them today. It must be really difficult. As it must be for those of you who have lost your own mothers. Or for those who long to be mothers but aren't yet, or wanted to but never could. I know it isn't a happy day for everyone.

To all of my fellow mommybloggers... Happy Mother's Day to each of you!

I Can Smell Summer...

2009-05-08T20:03:00.004-05:00

Oh yeah baby, summer is so close I can smell it! The summer break from university teaching, that is. In the last two days I have graded 120 exams and 240 homework assignments. No, I am NOT finished with my grading. But that was the worst of it. All that remains is the grading for my two upper division courses, which means many long papers to read, but those actually aren't as difficult as what I've just completed. So I'm celebrating tonight with a bottle of bubbly that the hubster brought home tonight.

This means that I am just days away from freedom. Oh sure, I need to keep working on my own writing and research, but that's NOTHING compared to the pressures of the academic year. It is, in fact, what we eggheads live for. The time to pursue our intellectual interests with no other distractions.

This also gives us time to enjoy our families. And the ability to truly do so. When I awoke the morning after giving my last in-class final, I felt the pressure lift from me. I actually felt lighter. And I was able to be patient with my daughter all day long. Even while I was grading exams. It was then that I realized that there is a stress that I feel in the teaching year, a constant push at my back. What is it about teaching? I suppose it is the performativity of it, and the fact that you alone are in charge of your courses, so the pressure is entirely upon you to keep it going and sustain that energy for 15 long weeks.

So I am ready to bask in the freedom of summer. And this summer is going to be sweeter than any other, knowing that in the fall I will begin my first tenure-track position. It's been a long journey to get to this point. I plan to enjoy every moment. (And you know this also means that soon I'll have the time to get back into blog posting/commenting/reading... squee!!!)

VGNO!

2009-05-01T15:50:00.002-05:00

Welcome, visitor's from VGNO at Ann's! I certainly need a GNO about now. It's been a LONG academic teaching year, but it is ending well, and about a week from now I'll be steeped in the last of the grading before the long, glorious summer.

So come on in and stay awhile... look around the place and make yourselves at home. Things are a bit dusty up in the ol' blog, as I've neglected it terribly in recent months, but I'm hoping to get it all cleaned up and perhaps even give it a good makeover this summer. There's a good post here and there, but I'm too busy cleaning my also-very-dusty real house for my parents' impending arrival, so I don't have time to link you up to anything specific. But I hope you'll explore a little, leave a comment, and I promise I'll come 'round to yours as well (in the next few days, if I don't make it there tonight).

I've got a good bottle of bubbly ready to go, and some buttery Chardonnay, and there's some goat cheese and crackers for nibbling and of course some good chocolate. Cheers!!! ;)

Bittersweet Chocolate

2009-04-24T19:57:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I know I bitch a lot about parenting, but whatever. I love my kidlet more than anyone or anything on this earth, but then again, this is actually probably why she's still living in my house, come to think of it. I mean, if we didn't love these little ones so damn much our species probably would never have survived. We had another one of those "golden periods" with the little one from about 3 1/2 to just before she turned 4, where all was right with the world. Then BAM, another birthday, and another round of difficult behavior. It seems to happen just before each birthday, and then for a few months after, and then she adjusts to it all, and then we get an easier time of things for awhile.

At the moment, she is 4 going on 13. Moody much? Check. Large and in charge? Check. Laughing hysterically one minute and sobbing uncontrollably the next? Double check. Maybe some people are good at this stage. Hell, she has a school full of teachers who do this for a living. They spend entire days with 2, 3, and 4-year-olds. ON PURPOSE. Sure, they're being paid. But you could not pay me enough to do that job all day long. No way. I can barely handle one 4-year-old for the five hours between after-school pickup and bedtime.

Which means that weekends should be much worse, but somehow they're not. She seems to need the mellower days as much as we do, and then there's the GLORIOUS fact that she won't nap at home, so bedtime is TWO HOURS EARLIER!!! It's Friday night, so we're all very happy. And we're taking her on two special outings this weekend, so she's working hard to maintain halfway decent behavior.

Yet four is also so much better than three in so many ways. She is learning at lightning speed, and we can have long conversations (of a sort), and she can "read" me her storybooks because she remembers every detail remarkably well. She's as smart as a whip, and her imagination is a wonder to behold. I miss some things, like the way she used to make elaborate patterns on the floor with various items, and her cherubic baby face that is now changing and becoming a big girl face (more beautiful, and amazing to behold, so I wouldn't go back to three even if I could). Our little human becomings. They're like the bubbles we blow together in the backyard... so beautiful, yet impossible to catch for more than a moment.

Okay, I'm getting sappy now. Back to the business at hand. Which is this: each stage is more wonderful than the last, but also harder. Is it always going to be this way? I know the teenage years are going to be far, far worse. But I have this idea in my head that there is a set of years that is the "easiest" for parenting. And I figure it starts around five or six and goes until about eight or nine. Maybe even ten. Am I deluding myself completely? And yet when I imagine her in that age range, I have this double reaction: I can't wait, but I also dread it, because I am going to miss her little kidlet self SO MUCH. In spite of how hard it can be, I feel it flying away, and she's getting bigger every day, and before I know it I will hardly be able to lift her, and I'll be proud and sad. I guess that's just the bittersweet chocolate that is being a mama.

Spring Cleaning

2009-04-18T14:19:00.002-05:00

Having come through the winter of way too many (extra) things to do, and knowing now that we are going to live here for a long, long time, it seems apropos to spend the weekend getting our long-neglected house in order. I promised the Little One that we would begin with her room. I find it hilarious that she jumps up and down with excitement when I tell her that we can clean her room together. I really should videotape it for posterity, because I am certain that when she is a teenager she will not believe me when I tell her that she used to get excited about cleaning her room with me.

With the addition of all of her new things from last Christmas, her recent birthday, and Easter, there is a TON of new sh*t in that room. I've culled as much as I can, but this practice has become dangerous now that she's old enough to have a very accurate mental inventory of each and every item. I'm constantly surprised by her ability to suddenly remember (and want to find) the most insignificant (to me anyway) piece of plastic crap that was a kid's meal toy like, oh, two years ago!

We try not to spoil her, and to talk about being grateful for what we have rather than focusing on what we want, but the grandparents really go to town for each and every holiday and we certainly do our share of buying. We love to delight her. But the stuff, it's beginning to take over our house.

As for our own grownup collections of stuff, I've been working steadily over the past two years to identify items we don't really use, need, or love, and have given away many boxes and bags full of things. And if we don't end up having another baby I'll have much more to donate (and we'll have a lot more space in our garage). This summer I'll finally tackle the closet in our home office/guest room when I get to move all of my books and papers into my "real" office at work (squee!!!). I've been waiting for this opportunity for years now, so I'm incredibly excited. When you take a faculty position at a university the idea is that you'll be there for your entire career (as long as you make tenure at the end of the 6th year), so you get to settle in more than anyone would in an office in a corporation these days. I'm ridiculously excited about it.

So we'll finally get things as settled as possible here (though we hope to move into a different neighborhood closer to the university in the next year or two, so we're not in our permanent home just yet). It feels really good. And I'm amazed by how much space I have within my mind now, with all of that uncertainly finally gone. We wondered and worried for three years, and at last we can just live our lives without all of that anxiety. Which of course makes me worry! I'm so used to the anxiety that it's hard to just relax into the security. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to happen to mess it all up again and throw us back into the constant stress. But really, truly, it's all good, and we're so grateful.

Hellloooooo!!!!

2009-04-02T16:14:00.002-05:00

I'm back. It was a crazy winter, but spring is here and things are finally calming down. There was way too much work, some travel, the unexpected death of a friend, a daughter turning four, a suspenseful job search, and, at last, a JOB. Not that I haven't had one this year, but I mean a TENURE-TRACK ASSISTANT PROFESSOR JOB!!! And in this economy, I am more grateful than ever that this was the year for me to land a position. It doesn't start until fall, which means I'll have some time to breathe before then (after I finish the teaching I'm already doing for the rest of this semester, that is).

I'm longing to catch up with blog reading, but it will take me awhile to make the rounds. I promise to visit each of you soon though and get back to commenting and such. I've missed the blogosphere and Twitterverse so much, but I have to say it was also kind of nice to simplify my life and focus solely on immediate demands for awhile. Not that I had much choice. There simply wasn't time in my days for the last several weeks. I haven't even had the chance to read anything for fun in months, and there was barely enough time in our days for cocktail hour in the past two months, so that tells you just how dire our situation had become!

Speaking of which, is it martini time yet? I bought some ass-kicking olives today at the market and I'm eager to send them swimming in a big pool of icy vodka. Mmmmm.

So, what have you all been up to?

Unofficial Hiatus

2009-02-24T20:48:00.001-06:00

Things are just crazy. Some of it is good, a bit not so good, and a bit is great, but all in all it just makes for no time for anything but what absolutely must be accomplished in a day. It's going to calm down soon, but not just yet.

I miss my bloggy friends.

Not Giving Up on This Thing Yet

2009-02-07T17:32:00.002-06:00

But I'm tempted. I think it's time to opt for the whole "guilt-free" blogging ethos. I've waited for life to settle down enough to get back into blogging more regularly, but it doesn't seem that's going to happen. So I'd best just make peace with the fact that blogging is going to be an irregular thing for me. And really, who cares except me anyway?

What I miss most is reading all of YOUR blogs, and that too is something I have less and less time for lately. I was hoping to do some of that today actually, but as luck would have it, I've spent my day off with a sick Little One on my lap. I always know when her fever goes over 101, because that's when she stops her usual constant activity and plops down on my lap for the duration.

She woke up with a cough and low grade fever yesterday. We had an afternoon appointment to see the doctor for a flu shot (yes, very late, but still worth doing, or so we were told), and he said her symptoms were purely viral and the fever was low enough to proceed with the shot. I got mine first (it was only fair), and she bravely took hers. All seemed well, but then her fever spiked in the middle of the night, and hasn't come down since. It's been as low as 100 and as high as 103.5, but the hospital's health nurse said it's within the normal range of a reaction to the flu shot.

That's when I recalled that this is her normal pattern. She hasn't had any sort of vaccination for awhile, as she's in those in-between years and we skipped the flu shot the last two years. So I had forgotten that she normally reacts with a fever to any sort of vaccine. If I had remembered, I probably would have put it off until next week to let the virus clear out first.

As for me, my arm hurts like hell and I can't move it normally, and I have a headache, but otherwise I've escaped much of a reaction to my shot. The kidlet has coughed or sneezed in my face a dozen times today though, so I'm sure I'll get the virus within a few days. Lovely.

I hate it when she feels so sick. I wish I could pull the fever out of her and into me. She did finally perk up a couple of hours ago, and the fever is just below 101 now. She's watching a taped episode of Sesame Street and eating graham crackers. I'm waiting for the fever to spike again. She's on the whole alternating doses of Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen every 3 hours routine, and as usual the Ibuprofen works great but the other does next to nothing, so the second three hours are the suckiest. We're about to hit that point, so I'll soon know if we're on the downhill side of this thing or if the fever will keep spiking.

This too shall pass. Soon we'll be back to the normal routine. Busy, but healthy, and happy. And thank the heavens for that.

UPDATE: Her temp just now was normal!!! (On Tylenol, but still...) I think the worm has turned! Woo-hoo!

Ice Day!

2009-01-27T10:49:00.002-06:00

I've been given a wonderful present by today's weather: an Ice Day! We're lucky in that we live in that perfect strip of the country today: just icy enough to get a day off, but not icy enough to cause a power outage. So we're in warm bliss in the house, each of us doing whatever the hell we want! I have tons of work to catch up on, but thought I'd begin with a new post on my much-neglected blog.

So how have I been? Busy, busy, blah, blah, blah. I know it's annoying to read anyone writing about how BUSY they are, how they just don't have TIME to blog or read blogs or comment on blogs. So I won't go on about that. Let's just catch up.

How about that Inauguration? It was beyond thrilling. Not only is it a new year, it's a whole new world now. I feel completely inspired, in so many ways. Not only to do my part in this country, but also to make my own way in this horrific job market. The academic market has been rough for a few years now, so those of you in the other sectors are feeling the kind of crunch we've felt for awhile. And ours is only getting worse. I've had some luck this year, some interest in my applications, and am still in the running for a small handful of jobs. The odds are still overwhelmingly against me, so I have to have a backup plan.

Until the economy tanked I was feeling a bit bitter about the situation. It felt like everyone else was enjoying great careers while I was working so hard to apply for existing opportunities and create potential opportunities where I am now. But after watching this election, and witnessing our new President take office, I feel reinvigorated and committed to do whatever it takes to make my own way. One of these jobs might hit, but if not, I will dig in and work ever harder to realize my vision for my career. I have a lot to give, and I won't settle for pouting in the corner and whining about the lack of tenure-track jobs. I'm tired of being that person, the one who has only negative things to say when people ask me how the job search is going. I have a lot of support from wonderful friends and colleagues in my current (temporary) teaching position, and these people will listen tirelessly (or seemingly so) to my venting. But I'm done with that. In the end, it doesn't do anything for me, and I know it's giving nothing to them.

I've worked very hard to have the job for this year, and I have made many connections in the right places. I'm grateful to have a job right now, even if next year is completely uncertain. And even if nothing comes up for next year, I will not despair. I will work harder. I will not give in to self-pity. I will stop whining! I have a no-whining policy for my child, why not for myself?

(But every now and then I might need to do a venting post, so I hope you all will bear with me when I do so. It'll be our little secret, k?)

Time for Renewal

2009-01-17T16:41:00.002-06:00

I have always loved January. It begins with the un-decorating, which I think I enjoy even more than Xmas decorating. I then inevitably feel the irresistible compulsion to organize the entire house, including an in-depth evaluation of nearly every item we own to identify potential charity donations. I've been particularly exhaustive with it this year: if we don't absolutely use it, need it, or love it, we must TOSS it. It's a process that has turned into a philosophy for my life this year, and it seems rather appropriate given the circumstances of our times. I feel strongly that we must give away what we no longer use or need, and that our lives should become more streamlined and decluttered.

It's a philosophy that is also in line with the upcoming regime change in this country. I am feeling such anticipation about Tuesday. I cannot believe that the day of renewal and rebirth for our country is just days away. I wish our family could be in DC to see it all firsthand, but duty calls on the work front, so we'll be here doing the usual thing. It seems like we should have a national holiday for the occasion though, doesn't it?

This weekend I'm finishing all the big cleanout, so by Tuesday every object and each piece of paperwork should be in its place. After two years in this house, we'll finally be fully organized. And THEN what will I do with my weekends? ;)

Happy New Year everyone. I have a really good feeling about 2009.

I. Hate. Packing.

2008-12-27T10:13:00.002-06:00

We are leaving tomorrow to visit my husband's family. Because we are insane. Honestly who plans a family trip AFTER Christmas? You're supposed to be going HOME after Christmas. It's all my fault though. I insist that the Little One be able to have Christmas morning in her own home, so she won't have to worry about Santa finding her. (Plus it's much easier to create the magic on your own turf.) So if it's our turn to travel, we must do so after Xmas. And that, my friends, is why I'm spending the day doing laundry, dishes, and worst of all... PACKING.

I'm an excellent unpacker. I love nothing more than getting home and putting everything away. But preparing for a trip? It makes me shake with anxiety. I'm not entirely certain why. It isn't about forgetting something. I'm a compulsive listmaker, so that's easily handled. I think it's the overwhelming nature of the task. Figure out what you cannot live without for six days and get it all stuffed into a suitcase. This means I need to plan outfits ahead of time... ack!

I was already bad at packing before the Little One was born. And then I became a mother, and had to think of everything for another little human being as well. I came to dread packing even more. Because I am the woman who always forgets something essential for the baby. Even on the briefest outings. I remember marveling at the level of preparedness my fellow mamas in our playgroup displayed consistently. They never seemed to forget anything. Not me. I would forget extra diapers, or formula, or snacks, or a bib, or a change of clothes. I had the worst case of mommy brain never recorded. So you can imagine what packing for an ENTIRE trip did to me.

It's much easier now. In fact, I am dancing a little jig today because I realized that this will be the first trip ever for which I will not have to pack any special cups, utensils, bibs, or foods. My almost-4-year-old is a little girl now, who can drink out of a normal cup and eat a variety of normal foods and keep her clothes relatively clean and use the bathroom reliably. The ONLY remnant of her toddler days is the continuing need for a nighttime Pull-Up training pant, and those can just be popped into her suitcase. (And are easily replaced when I inevitably forget to pack them!)

Well, now you know what gets me back to blogging... procrastination! All semester I was too busy to procrastinate (that sounds impossible, but when you're just putting out fires left and right, so to speak, you have no time to avoid your work!), so now that I have a moment to breathe, I'm avoiding the dreaded packing job by blogging instead. But it's time now to change the laundry, so I guess I'll get on with it. Whatever you're each up to today, I hope it's not packing!

Merry, Merry!

2008-12-24T11:04:00.002-06:00

It is Christmas Eve, my favorite holiday. I've always loved it best, even as a child. The Little One is VERY excited, but amazingly calm as well. She has cleaned her room in anticipation of the new toys Santa will bring, and is now watching "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Santa's biggest elf in this house is off to get a few more things. He does this every year so far: gets irritated with me for buying too much but then decides at the last minute that we don't have enough and goes out to buy more!

We're going out to dinner tonight to make things easy (woo-hoo!), and then we'll get the Little One off to bed and the work begins. I don't think we'll be up too late tonight. Not too much to do. At least I hope not! I wonder if we'll be up before dawn again this year, or if we'll be able to stall her until it's light out. Though last year I think it was our excitement that led to such an early start!

It's just the three of us, which is nice in many ways, but this year I'm missing family more than usual. I'm glad that she can be the center of it all, but I do wish that at least one set of the grandparents could be here to join in on the fun. We'll be visiting one side of the family next week and having a second celebration, so that will have to suffice. The other side is scattered across the country, no one traveling this year.

I feel like I should be baking or something. Except that I really, really, really don't want to. So I'm not going to. ;)

Whatever you're doing this holiday season, I hope you are warm, healthy, and enjoying good food and drink with the people you love most in the world.

I'm an Ingrid

2008-12-13T16:25:00.003-06:00

Thanks to Shanna of Smiles, Miles, & Trials for the idea to take this quiz! (She's a Grace, as in Kelly.) This seems to really capture much of the essence of me, oddly enough.

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Ingrid!

You are an Ingrid -- "I am unique"

Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.

* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.

* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.

* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.

* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid

* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level

* my ability to establish warm connections with people

* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life

* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor

* being unique and being seen as unique by others

* having aesthetic sensibilities

* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being an Ingrid

* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair

* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved

* feeling guilty when I disappoint people

* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me

* expecting too much from myself and life

* fearing being abandoned

* obsessing over resentments

* longing for what I don't have

Ingrids as Children Often

* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games

* are very sensitive

* feel that they don't fit in

* believe they are missing something that other people have

* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.

* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood

* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Ingrids as Parents

* help their children become who they really are

* support their children's creativity and originality

* are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings

* are sometimes overly critical or overly protective

* are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

So who are you?

'Tis the Season... for Grading Exams & Papers. Bleh.

2008-12-06T16:57:00.002-06:00

The good news: teaching is over for another semester!!! The bad news: in just a few days I'll be buried in piles of exams and papers to grade. I've got a few other deadlines as well, so I don't think I'll be in the blogosphere much for the next week or two. Or maybe I'll compulsively blog to avoid the work. Either way, I'll probably be on Twitter to vent my frustration and share some of the more entertaining spelling and grammar errors, so come join the fun over there if you don't find me here!