KC Sandbagger

This is how racing works:

2011-12-05T11:14:00.001-06:00

You borrow a CX bike and destroy the 4's. Don't even wait around to get called out, CTFU then proceed to smoke the 3's. No one is gonna complain if he stays a 3 for the rest of the season since he's only done a total of 9 races. But dude lines up in the open anyway. Finish near the back of the pack in epic conditions but who cares he's gonna see what he got. With a name like this he's got a lot to live up to and it looks like he's doing it the way its supposed to be done.
*btw ditch the arm and leg warmers in conditions like this. All they do is get wet and slow you down.

Some of you bagger apologists out there would probably be ok with Tilford racing the 3/4's because if you can't beat him, then you obviously aren't working hard enough. What a load of shit. Why do you think we have categories?

And for those of you who think KC sucks when it comes to national/regional races just take a look at recent results. Couple dudes in the top 10 in the 2's at Jingle. Dudes in the top 5 and top 30s in massive fields at Louisville. And not to mention past success in the masters by your local favorite type-A 360 dbags and boys in orange. So don't gimme that shit about about not being able to compete with 2's outside our area.

And BTW KC where were you guys last weekend? You embarrassed yourselves by getting outnumbered by dudes from the east.

Math Lesson

2011-11-07T08:01:00.001-06:00

Translation:
Roadie Cat2 racing Cyclocross 3/4 = a PIECE OF SHIT.
I guess Bob is living up to his name BOBBING around like a turd in a toilet. You should be ashamed. Your mom should be ashamed. And if you have any friends they should be ashamed. You should feel absolutely no pride in stomping the crap out of a field consisting of half beginners. Probably the worst bagger since this blog began.

On a bagger scale of 1-10, this guy scores a 20. +10 for actually smelling like shit too. Ever sat on his wheel?

Note to KCA upgrade coordinator: 2 wins = automatic upgrade. He's not the only guy in this picture that needs a letter.

Got Milk?

2011-10-18T15:12:00.002-05:00

We all know when it comes to dirt and grass roadies turn into a bunch of tards and thus its understandable for some road 3s to be racing in the 3/4s. But 1's and 2's should never be allowed to line up in lower CX categories even if the only dismounting they've experienced was in the locker room. Bob Cumminyourmouth is a prime example. On a course with no technical sections, he easily smeared the 3/4 field at Joules which included a future sandbagger posterboy. Yeah he lined up for the Open afterwards but he had already blown his wad and had a built in excuse for not doing well. If your racing license says R2, it should not have a CX3 or CX4 next to it. And if it does, there should be a big stamp on it that says PUSSY.

On a bagger scale of 1-10, Cumminyourmouth scores an 11.5, +1.5 for the poser $7000 bike.

And BTW, congrats to Foreskinner on lining up in the Open and doing halfway decent.

ForeSkinner

2011-10-12T12:10:00.002-05:00

This dude gives baggin' a new meaning. Foreskinner has been on a tear this year. He has won his last three races by more than just a few inches. In fact not only did he lap most of the 3's at Boss Cross, he caught up with the 8th place dude in the OPEN!

On a bagger scale of 1-10, this dude scores a 10. His weener scores a 1 inch. TIME TO SACK UP AND CAT THE FUCK UP dawg!

BTW, you Open pricks, cough *JENSEN*, need to get the fuck off the course while us 3s who pay good money to race. You assholes would throw a fit if one of us were warming up while you were racing so have some respect and get lost.

Summers Time and the Baggin is Easy

2011-09-26T22:15:00.000-05:00

Summers-sausage has 2 full seasons of cross and multiple top 5's stuffed under his skinsuit and had the nerve to line up for a third as a cat4 at Manions. He porked the field like a cathlic priest at an all you can eat butt-fet and r5 only hopes those poor cat4 beginners were using chamois cream. Bro its time to CTFU.

Theres one less sweet ass to distract you from the lap counter this year.
On a sad note to open the season, r5 wants you all to crack open Gu gel and pour a little for homey who won't be at the starting line any more due to some shady back alley dealings by some USACK-less buttheads. Though she's hard to miss, Magretta will truly be missed this year. CX is a hard sport to score and when it aint done right all you bitches get your crossresults score bloated. Magretta did it right even though she left us all deaf and freezing at the line. Now you assholes will only have your wives left to yell at you on sundays to take the trash out.

El Baggero

2011-06-30T13:37:00.000-05:00

After winning last friday at that fucked up Longview course Hi-me! has put another stamp in his passport to Cat3. Take a look at his results from the past year:
Police Academy 10/46
Longview 1/35
Wichita 3/25
Wichita 2/36
Gateway 5/100
Gateway 3/100
Missouri state 6/33
Sunflower 1/31
If you stack this dudes Cat4 results end to end they would cover the entire border fence. Time for USAC to come knockin at the door and upgrade this homey!

So r5 heard the Police Academy course was 10 times better than everybody thought it would be. Sometimes if you pull your head out of your suburban asses maybe you will see there is whole new world outside the Lenexa industrial park. That said, r5 hopes the Cliff Drive, KCK, and OP races make a come back some day. This fatboy has dropped many a weenie on gooseneck hill and looks forward to doing the same saturday.

Coming to a town near you!

2011-05-25T12:38:00.001-05:00

Cherry Pickin' Daddies

Featuring two ex pros lapping a bunch of hillbillies who think threshold is what you work the cornfields with and then leading out their slow ass teammate to complete the podium sweep! Rated-R for REALLY-LAME!

So Tradewhine, why weren't you guys in St Loser getting your buttwhuppins like Merci did?

And BTW was there a good reason why TNW got cancelled last night!?!? Coulda run a senior wheelchair crit before we even got a DROP OF RAIN. AND WHO CARES IF IT RAINS? Plenty of dudes got wet out at the crit when NEET was running it...

2 Legit

2011-04-10T20:40:00.004-05:00

Say what?? If Jb is a 2, then the entire Crashovita squad is continental pro. Dude probably thinks palmares are what he squirts lotion on before gettin on the internet.

**r5 still promises the year end Sandbaggies awards...

Hosed!

2011-01-20T16:13:00.003-06:00

Before we begin the year end awards, a little housekeeping is in order. Dr Stinkfinger gave up a sweet powerwasher by CTFU'ing for his last race of the year. All he had to do was simply show up for the 4's and he would've won that series. That would be like r5 skipping another round at the Ameristar buffet. But instead, he raced and placed mid-pack in his first Cat3 race and learned that there were plenty of plump rumps in the new category he could easily ogle and drop. Most impressive. Props to him for CTFUing!!

Enjoy the powerwasher, JW. Time for you to CTFU!

Stay Tuned

2011-01-11T16:27:00.000-06:00

For the first annual KC Sandbagger "Sandbaggies" awards!

Dr Stinkfinger

2011-01-04T10:05:00.000-06:00

Colonchecks been trollin the 4's far too long and r5 has a few guesses as to why. Dude has two FULL seasons of 'cross under his belt with a total of over 20 races and most recently a couple wins where he totally annihilated the field. New year= new license- time to CTFU Coloncheck. There's plenty of plump rumps in the 3's to check out.

On a bagger scale of 1-10, this dude scores a 9.5 . +1 for rollin carbon tubbies in the 4's. -1 for old school steel. -0.5 for the wookie fur legs.

KC Sandbagger bonus: pick out the 2nd bagger in this photo!

Pure Bagger

2010-12-07T08:57:00.000-06:00

Weens has come out of no where to be stomping on the frozen penises of the Cat3 pack this year. With six wins out of 15 races he has given pack fodder a new meaning. When he wins, its by a margin of minutes. r5 wants to know what this dude has been huffin. Dude has amassed 33 points, more than P-Cole-Train got last year!

Raggedy Andy its time to move on to a real challenge and CTFU!

She Bags! She Bags! She Bags!

2010-12-01T10:27:00.001-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen, r5 presents to you sandbaggerkc's first girl-bagger!
Even though Chewbecca probably eats dinner at 3pm and is in bed by the early evening newscast, she races like she just stole a pack of hearing aid batteries from Walgreens. Her record is littered with 1's and 2's: this year she has no less than 6 wins and 5 second places!! Chewbecca could jump into the "men's" 4s and eat all their lunches and you know a few of those guys could stand to go on a diet.

On a scale of 1-10, Chewbecca scores a 9. -1 for the funky socks.

PS: A reminder to St Louis CX'ers as to whats to come this weekend....

Barely (UCI) Legal

2010-11-15T14:23:00.001-06:00

Which is wider? This dude's cx tires:

Or:

M'Adam Broslice* punked our local band of misfits 4's by minutes, rubbing it in by popping a wheelie at the finish, then proceeded to line up and destroy the 3's too. Even Moses Fancher could not keep up. Checking out M'Adams record before this weekend he had only done 4 races, winning 3 of them so he's pretty much a newly minted 'bagger. So r5 is calling our our local racers for getting CLOWNED by some noob from Iowa on monster truck tires who before last month had no record of racing anywhere r5 could find. What the hell happened out there to you guys? Yall musta eaten at the same restaurant the Chiefs did over the weekend. That was seriously a pathetic effort guys. Its the second year in a row some out of towner came in and kicked your asses.

Now theres only a few more weeks till state so you guys better change out your maxis or next thing you know you'll get reemed by some dude from that joke of a cx scene from St Louis.

* update- this is Broslice

Rougher than rough

2010-11-09T09:00:00.001-06:00

This is a "Spiral of Death." It does not belong on a cx course. However r5 heard that the farm was a sweet venue for cross and hope it remains a mainstay in the local scene.

This is a Spiral of Ham. It belongs in r5's belly.

Congrats to Tristina for CTFU and doing a 3/4 race. 10th out of 21 is solid for his first 3's race. He will only get better racing with faster dudes. For you 4's thinking about making the move, jump in a 3/4 race and see where you stand. There are lots of slow fattys in the 3's that will be easy pickins.

Taking it like a man

2010-11-02T11:44:00.004-05:00

What more can r5 say? If you can still podium in that getup, theres no doubt yer a bagger!

Its a shame 360 and none of the Open guys got into the holiday spirit. Bunch of fun-haters. r5 bets those guys all had their lights off Halloween night too. Can't have no candy in the house when you're still trying to fit into that wedding dress. And no P-Coletrain, that nasty Mr Goodbody skinsuit doesn't count. Its a wonder more people don't crash while sitting behind you.

Cat3 baggers, your time is almost up...

Oops She Bagged it Again

2010-10-25T09:40:00.007-05:00

Yeah, Tristina did it again and stomped the beginner 4's. Seriously, s/he should double up and do the womens field as well (I bet lil KRocket would smoke him). Forget the rules and the fact that he has way more than enough points to upgrade already. Look at who he is currently racing against and decide on how proud you should be to stomp the slow kids. Do "stand up guys" beat down on guys like this:

Look, if you can ride hard for 30 minutes and safely clear the barriers while holding in the puke, then you can go ahead and get out of the 4's.

On a bagger scale of 1-10, Tristina scores a 12.

On a related note, r5 heard that the "first timers" race was a success. Maybe this type of event should be added to future races. Congrats to the dozen or so new racers who are now eligible to be called out!

Tri-Baggin

2010-10-21T09:59:00.014-05:00

This mail order bike riding sack-less wuss has been baggin the 4's for THREE YEARS. In 2008 he had TWO WINS and 7 top 6 finishes in 11 races overall. Two years later he's still in the 4s and bagged a win and a 2nd over the weekend, losing only to Roger Dodger but still a solid minute ahead of the Fat4s. Yeah, he's waaaay over due to CTFU. Since he does have a girl's name, he might as well line up with the women as well.

On a scale of 1-10, this dude scores an 11. +1 for the internet bike.

r5's advice to the 4s who are getting smoked by the same top 5 baggers: go ahead an CTFU and ditch those douches. Racing against faster guys for twice the distance WILL MAKE YOU FASTER. There is no glory in winning the 4's.

And for you folks who are inspired by this blog to someday be a bagger too, come out to Smithville this weekend for the beginners race. There is the regular so called "cat4 beginners" category where you'll find 'baggers like Tristan, and for this weekend only, a true "never done this before beginners category" and FREE clinic at 9am. Some of the snotty roadies out there may make it seem like an elite closed scene but once you pin on a number, you are every bit a part of the CX community.

r5 has added a new poll feature so you too can vote. Results will be added to each entry later.

Dipsy doo douch-eroo!

2010-10-12T00:30:00.017-05:00

Whats worse than a sandbagger? A goddamn cheater!! r5 got a bunch of reports about dudes who thought it would be cool to ride around the barriers at Cross Out Cancer. Like Fun-Bobby until r5 and other racers started yelling at him for being a big douche. This picture is what you call karma, jackass.

You are at a cross race which is supposed to be fun. You are raising money to fight cancer which sucks. So you chumps who rode around the barriers must hate fun and love cancer.

Like this dude who should know much better- (correction: upon further review of the pictures, Shmalt-liquor just about ate it and was avoiding a wipeout so he is excused)

Those of you who cheated disrespected your fellow racers and the small but dedicated Livestrong Army who worked hard to put on a great race. Contador may have juiced. The whole peloton probably is juiced. But at least none of them got caught taking a detour around the Tourmalet.

On a scale of 1-10, you assholes who rode around the barriers score a +15 on the douchebag scale.

Roger Dodger

2010-10-05T08:03:00.006-05:00

There seems to be a dearth of 3's this year with the open class at Boss Cross being the larger field! Could it be the crazy ass 60 minute race time? Or could it be some of the 4's are big time baggin'??

This Cat3 dodgin bagger is off to an impressive start to the year: a 2nd at Manions and two wins last weekend in the porked out 4's (boy was that a fat boy course). With at least 18 points scored and 11+ starts, this dude is done in the 4's.

On a 'bagger scale of 1-10, he gets a 7. -1 for the tattoo. +1 for the wussy wrist warmers- damn it wasnt that cold! Shake the sand out of your vajay-jay Roger and CTFU!

LocalSandbaggin.com

2010-09-27T09:38:00.010-05:00

This dude is like the Tilford of the 4's. Moses Fancher is almost as old as the hills but is crushing dudes who will be subsidizing his Medicare for the next few decades. He might arrive on a Jazzy, but he races like an InATub taco through your digestive tract.

Check out his record in the CX4 "BEGINNERS" category:
-21+ races since 2007
-6 wins: FIVE last year and starting off 2010 with another one on what will be one of the toughest courses of the season at Manion's Cross.
-Countless top5's
-Way more than enough points to upgrade.
-His TT times places him in the Cat2 range, coming within seconds of guys like Bleser, Weinbeck and Price, and beating guys like Songer and Bissell who are all racing CX3 and above.

Its time for Moses to stop toying with the boys in the 20 minute race and start ripping legs in the 50+ minute 3's where he belongs.

On a scale of 1-10, this dude scores an 11. +1 for starting off the new season with a friggin win.

EDIT:
r5 forgot to mention that it appears that the Crashovita crew struck gold with this venue. The hillside course flowed smoothly and had lots of great features. You wouldn't know you were in Kansas with the view from the top. The beer was flowing, the tacos frying, and cowbells banging. 2010 KC cross season is off to a good start.

Corn-hole-shot

2010-09-22T10:29:00.009-05:00

When r5 was in college, an anatomy professor was lecturing on the digestive system and stated that it takes 8 hours for food to go from mouth to butt. r5 knew better and wanted to know "Why does corn come out quicker?" Professor was stumped.

As cyclocross mirrors life, r5 found a couple of kernels from Nubraska in the sandbagging pile of turd worthy of being called out:
Crist the Cornking and Husker-DooDoo-Schmidt.
Last year at Capital Cup, Cornking had a big crash yet still motored up to finish 2nd, dusting a solid local field. At Boulevard Cup, he simply rode away from the outclassed pack. With high placings at Jingle Cross, he cemented his status as a bagger who definitely needs to CTFU.

His buddy Husker-Doodoo-Schmidt finished 23 races as a Cat4 in 2009, winning one and placing top 5 multiple times. His cat4 tenure has almost been as long as Pumpkin' Head's who finally appears to have CTFU'd this year.

On a scale of 1-10, both of these guys score perfect 10s.

Rosco P COLE-TRAIN

2010-09-21T14:17:00.015-05:00

This seasons's first official CX post begins where we started off last year. At KC Cup Cyclocole showed us all that he had been ready for the open class since the Bush years. r5 heard he demolished the field at Swope, finishing second only to Deuce-Bagalow. Was there any doubt that he was 'baggin big time last year??? It'll be interesting to see how he does on a course with a little less singletrack against the boys in orange. r5 predicts that Bill will be tossing his bike more than once this year after getting smoked by Cowtown. And speaking of which, the orange let down in Hermann doesn't count since it was only two friggin laps. Come to KC and get another taste, Shotgun.

A new feature this year will be the anti-baggers of the week. Dudes who might wanna cat-the-fuck-down after last weeks performance:

1. Richard Who-Dat: dude almost got called out last year, CTFU like a man, but got lapped by all the 3's at Swope.

2. Poo-Face: dude got called out in the 3's last year, but then also proceeded to get thoroughly smoked at Swope.

3. Oh-Face: dude wants to race open but got smoked by St Louis racers in the 3s!??

4. Haynes-her-way: dude should just be doing the girls race. Juniors that is.

And finally whats up with all you road weenies wrapping your bikes and faces around the trees in the singletrack? Props to 360 for making a CX course thats a little more CHALLENGing than a roll in the hay with your second cousin.

St Louis Rammed

2010-09-16T09:19:00.007-05:00

The only thing r5 hates more than a sandbagger is St Louis inferiority complex. Football, baseball, rappers, and now cyclocross- KC be kickin your asses all across the board. r5 has checked out the St Loser cross scene and it is some serious weak sauce. Probably the same nasty sauce you spread on that crackers and cheese concoction you call PIZZA.

r5's prediction for Hermann Cross this weekend: a podium sweep by the boys in orange. (BTW what the hell is Luke doing lining up for the 3's??) FrozeBalls, Bigshark, Dogfish you all are gonna get bent.

r5 is also issuing a challenge for STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS: load up the shortbus and get your lazy asses over here and see if you can even sniff the podium in ANY CATEGORY.

It'll be like 1985 again and our 'baggers will get Denkinger on your asses.

High Fiiiive!

2010-08-30T10:51:00.004-05:00

So after finally CTFU, young Bend Over promptly gets picked up by TradeWhine and immediately starts kickin ass in the next category- 8th at HHH last weekend! So all you 'baggin pussies out there take note: step it up to the next level and you might find yourself more than ready to issue a beatdown.

Cross is coming up soon and r5 has a feeling there will be plenty of material this season. If you completed a series in the 4's last year, you best be in the 3's this year. And if you were a regular on the podium in the 3's, we better be seeing you giving Bill's boys in orange your best shot. r5 hears he's been keeping them nice a shaven...