Keep a Happy Wife

A Thrill of Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 12:45:00 +0000

Bleak and getting bleaker (if that’s even a word).

The condition of my friend’s mother was getting worse and worse by the day. She could not eat and her mind seemed to be fading fast. Every call from home brought only more bad news. As he was preparing to drive back home again to see her for what he feared would be the final time, another call came from his brother. He dropped his head and stared at the phone, imagining the worst news would follow the moment he answered it. He hit “accept”, walked down the hall and said “Mornin’, bro. How’s mom?”

A few minutes later my friend runs back to me. His eyes full of tears and his voice trembling, but with a look of joy. He struggled to find the words but said, “Kevin…they say mom is going to be OK. She’s had some undiagnosed virus or something that they can easily treat now. She’ll need some time to recover, but she’s going to live!”

A thrill of hope.

A Season of Reflection

Hopefully, this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but…Jesus’ birthday isn’t December 25. That’s OK, though. That the date was selected a couple thousand years ago in an attempt to replace pagan celebrations held at the same time shouldn’t be that important to you today. The point is that He had a birthday at all.

So, the season traditionally set aside to remember the birth of "the one who was to reconcile man to God" seems like an appropriate time to reflect. Reflect on who we are, where we are in our journey, and what our relationship is with the Savior of the World.

The last couple of years we have all been bombarded with images, slogans and experiences purposed to bring about fear, isolation and hopelessness. Waging our own war against these enemies can leave us weary. All the more reason to take time to contemplate on the condition of our soul and our spiritual health.

This assault we’ve seen on mankind is certainly something we can’t ignore as we ponder the questions of who we are and where we are. Of course, also in the blend will be the circumstances of our own specific situation: uncertain futures, the constant of change, family, health, relationships, etc.

Our daily struggles, especially when viewed alongside the state of the world, can mount up against us. Setting aside time to re-establish our foundation and recover our vision can help put our lives and our circumstances back in proper perspective. Our outlook on our lives and ourselves will depend greatly upon what we choose to focus. Having the discipline of focus is much easier when we know who we truly are in the first place.

From a practical standpoint, remember that you are important. You are here for a purpose. Even if you aren’t really sure what that purpose is, don’t give up on it. Keep seeking.

Know that everybody (not just you) is fighting a battle nobody else may know about. You are not alone in your fight or in your fighting. Don’t believe the lie that you are on your own. Look for the victory when the battle is all you see. Remembering who you are in the middle of the fight can be the thrill of hope you need to reset your vision and refresh your courage.

This season is also a time to reflect on where we are in relation to Jesus. Not where we are in relation to the church (good or bad) or our past (good or bad). He’s strong enough and compassionate enough to love you where you are. For the believer or unbeliever, Jesus’ love can’t be swayed by our doubts, our failures, or even our dismissal of Him. Unconditional love is the essence of a thrill of hope.

You Never Know

I’ve found that one of the best ways to find hope in my own life is to try to help direct others towards it in theirs. This is something I need to remember and practice much more often.

A thrill of hope can shine into someone’s life in many (some even unexpected) ways. An intentional and sincere word of encouragement, for example, can be a way to bring hope to someone who we know is in need of it.

Being used as a messenger of hope when we don’t even realize it can be just as important. I had a friend tell me about a conversation we had 20 years ago and that it changed his life. I have no recollection of that conversation at all and, quite frankly, when he reminded me of it, it didn’t seem all that important to me. However, it was meaningful to him and brought hope to him at a time when he needed it. That is what matters. That I couldn’t “take a bow” for it is all the better.

Forgiving when it may not seem deserving, or loving when someone isn’t easy to love are rare and heroic ways to deliver hope. And the undeserving and the unlovable are in as much need for a thrill of hope as anyone (and haven’t we all been the "undeserving" and the "unlovable" at some point our own selves).

Hope springs from the simple things, too. A smile. A hug. An “I love you” or an “I believe in you”. All are keys that can unlock hope in another.

I believe these things are true all the time, but especially so this time of year. People do reflect a lot during the holidays. Sometimes those reflections veer down a dark road and can get us stuck in a ditch of hurt, comparison, or disappointment. By purposefully being more open and outward-focused in our hearts we can sense who, when, and how someone in our lives may need a little hope and encouragement.

My heart is that you know how important and how loved you are during the holidays and the year through. And also, that you will see and share the Love, the Peace and the Hope of the Christmas season.

Thank you to The Wife. She is the greatest source of hope to me that I know in this world.

The Lighting of the Tree

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Sun, 06 Dec 2020 05:37:00 +0000

Tonight was the lighting of the tree. Well, maybe not the lighting of THE tree, but the lighting of our tree.

Decorating for Christmas is one of those things that I always dread-love. Pulling out the boxes of ornaments and trees and twisted strands of lights from storage is the dread part. Seeing it all after it has come together...that is the love.

I especially love the ornaments. It's an annual life-flashing-before-your-eyes event. It is a flashback of family history as I pull out the "First Christmas Together 1989" ornament or the one that says "Baby's First Christmas" or a snowman from 15 years ago that has everyone's name written on it.

Thirty-one years. Thirty-one Christmases together. Spanning our years without kids to years with babies to years with teenagers to years without kids again to now our second year with a grandchild!

A very personal touch to our family tree is the many ornaments The Wife has made. Often over the years she's started crafting some of them even in the middle of the summer. There must be dozens of them now and they are the heart of our tree.

So, tonight as I searched the tree for the perfect branch for each of The Wife's ornaments, I was reminded of the depth of our connection. Our lives are as intertwined as one of those strand of tree lights that was packed down deep at the bottom of the box. I was reminded of how beautiful and reassuring and satisfying it is to be blessed with over three decades together in love. Each of those thirty-one Christmases is surrounded by another 364 days. Most of those days have been some level of bliss, but, of course, we've had a few challenges along the way. Those challenges we have met together and the power of two-greater-than-one hasn't let us down yet.

On this year's lighting of the tree, I am even more hopeful for our future because I've been reminded of our past. To The Wife I say "thank you". Thank you for making these ornaments. Thank you for our history. Thank you for our future. You complete me. (Yes, "Jerry Maguire" is on TBS right now, but it's still true).

Merry Christmas, everyone. May lighting your tree and this holiday season bring you peace and joy and, most of all, love.

Keeping A Happy Wife During a Worldwide Pandemic

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 02:36:00 +0000

Welcome to the strangest of days. We are all plowing new ground together here and I would highly recommend you not try to go this on your own. Despite the fact that adherence to social distancing may try to send us on a fast track to isolation, we need to remind ourselves we are NOT alone. And as men, our calling to "keep a happy wife" doesn't take a backseat in these tough times. If anything, the call should be stronger and we should be more vigilant in meeting it. With that in mind, here are a few tips on keeping a happy wife even during a worldwide pandemic (plus a bonus sermonette at the end).

Tip #1: Don't Watch So Much Sports: See...I'm starting with an easy one. How many times has your wife asked you "are you still watching basketball (or football or baseball or...)?". Our government has removed that from you as an option as to how you spend your time. That is, unless, you are glued to ESPN watching March Madness marathons from 1983. If that is you...be better.

Tip #2: Don't Watch So Much News: About five minutes in the morning, five minutes in the afternoon and five minutes at night will get you EVERYTHING you really need to know. Everything else is simply adding layer and layer of bricks to a wall of fear or anger or disgust. The same goes for social media, too. If you can't filter out the barrage of bullsh*t, then delete the app from you phone. You aren't helping yourself or your wife.

Tip #3: Stay Connected to Each Other: You may say "But, Kevin, we are in a house-quarantine together. How much more connected can you get?". Well, if you are spending the hours of your day trying to work from home while homeschooling...that's not necessarily connected. Or, if you are both staring at your phones seeing what your favorite pseudo-celebrity's opinion of the day is on a medical crisis or an economic upheaval...that's not connected, either. Talk to each other. It's certainly good to talk about these events of the day and share your thoughts, but the connection shouldn't center on virus talk. Talk about good times you've shared - perhaps times you've overcome challenges together. Tell her you love her! I also think your wife is an exemption to the social distancing mandate (if you know what I mean).

My son and grandson on the bottom right.

Tip #4: Stay Connected to Others: The Wife and I lead a Life Group together through our church. The last two weeks we have met "virtually" through Skype. While it is not the "normal", it is some injection of normal into our lives and the lives of those in our group. I've also met with several groups of friends over Skype in the last week or so. It is a tool designed for such a time as this.

Tip #5: Be in Peace: Gentlemen, we are all in some level of stress. That is a universal truth that is not unique to these days of COVID-19 . We each deal with stresses under much more ideal circumstances than this. THIS only adds a good bit more juice to it. During THIS (just as we did pre-THIS) we need to be intentional about remaining in peace. Regular bouts of freaking out and losing our minds is not a way to live and not a way to honor our wives in any season...even when dealing with THIS. Our families all have decisions to make during THIS and doing so out of fear will lead to frustration and dismay. So, how do we remain in peace?

Two Takeaways From Matthew 14

I've been coming back to two separate passages in Matthew 14. One I started meditating on a few months ago and the other came to mind just today. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I didn't realize they were both in Matthew 14 until I started to write this. So, much for street cred as a Bible scholar.

While I was too dense to see the connection of these passages at first, the connection is there nonetheless. Both will be familiar stories to even the most infrequent of Sunday School attendee.

The first I'll touch on is the story of Peter walking on the water (Matthew 14: 23-32). The disciples of Jesus went out on a boat and encountered a terrible storm. Along comes Jesus walking on the water right on past the boat. Peter calls to Jesus and says "If it's really you, Jesus, tell me to come out to you". Jesus replies "Bring it, bro!" (or something like that). Peter steps out of the boat and is walking on the water towards Jesus. After a few moments, he takes his eyes off Jesus and turns his focus to the wind and the waves. His thoughts that moments ago compelled him to step out of the boat (thoughts of bravery and security because of Jesus) were replaced with fear of the things his focus had turned to and he began to sink. ("Peter saw the wind and was afraid and began to sink").

Peter cried out "Lord, save me!". Despite losing his focus, Peter still knew Jesus was his savior and was more powerful than the thing that he feared.

To stay in peace...keep your eyes on Jesus. You control your thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5). Whether you think you do or not...you do. Philippians 4:8 tells us what kind of things we should think on. If we didn't have a say in the matter, God wouldn't tell us we did. We can choose to dwell on the virus (Do I have it? Does my kid have it? Does my wife?) or we can gain the information we need, turn off the rest of it and focus on what God has to say about who we are (and who our wife and kids are, too).

Immediately before this passage in Matthew, is the feeding of the 5,000 (Matthew 14:13-21). Jesus asks his disciples to gather up food from the crowd so that all the people can be fed. After what must have been a great deal of time, the disciples bring back five loaves and two fish. Barely enough for a special at Long John Silver's.

When presented with this completely inadequate supply of food, Jesus "looked up to Heaven, gave thanks and broke the loaves". Jesus' response wasn't to criticize the disciples or the people. Jesus didn't freak out and post a photo on Instagram on how little food there was. He didn't even grab the loaves and fish and hoard them for himself.

No, in a moment of perceived lack, he turned his vision towards Heaven and He gave thanks. The result was provision and abundance...not just for himself, but for everyone present.

In the middle of THIS, many people are panicking. A mentality of lack and fear are driving people to hoard bread and meat and (for some reason) toilet paper. In the middle of THIS, people are in a real time of need. There is the reality of possibly permanently losing a job or a business.

When confronted with fear...look to Jesus despite the waves and wind demanding your attention.

When tempted towards lack...look up to Heaven and give thanks. God will provide.

As I said before, we are all in some level of stress. Now, (dealing with THIS) more than ever. How do you choose to respond to that stress is the defining question. Since we are all experiencing some level of stress (a unique, once-in-a-millennium kind of stress) stay connected to your brother. The most stable dude you know may be freaking out a bit right now. Be an encouragement to all of those around you. And not just a vocal encouragement, but put your faith into action. You may be the one Jesus is asking to pull a brother from the raging waves. You may be the one Jesus will use to help feed and comfort another.

In all of THIS, make good choices about what you look to and what your focus is on. We will overcome THIS. And I pray you emerge on the other side stronger in your heart, in your faith and in your relationships than you've ever been. Love and blessings to you and yours.

Since the Last Time I Wrote One of These...

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Fri, 14 Feb 2020 07:06:00 +0000

Since the last time I wrote one of these six years ago, I am older and fatter. Most other comparative adjectives don’t play in my favor, either. However, I do still have life insurance and The Wife has the DVR full of episodes of “Snapped”. This blog post is quickly headed towards being a potential cry for help. Let me get us back on track.

Since the last time I wrote one of these six years ago, The Wife and I got one son through college and another is just three months from doing the same. The Older One also has a good job, a wife, a house and a baby (done in that order). The Younger One already has a terrific job waiting for him after he graduates. The Wife is, and always has been, an extraordinary mother to our sons. And to no one’s surprise, she is taking to the new role of grandmother quite easily. A very sexy grandma at that (do yourself a favor though…do NOT google “sexy grandma”).

Since the last time I wrote one of these six years ago, I’ve spent too much time ranting on twitter about sports, politics, music and nonsense. Then, I’ve spent too much time writing articles for blogs about Bourbon. The Wife has been ever supportive: laughing at my jokes and liking my tweets (an occasional re-tweet is a much better way to say “I love you”, but I won’t complain).

Since the last time I wrote one of these six years ago, work life for both of us has been quite different than either of us imagined. The Wife re-entered the workforce and, again to no surprise, she is exceptional at what she does. She also remains remarkably supportive and encouraging to me in my work. It’s like she’s an amalgamation of all the women from the movie “9 to 5”.

Since the last time I wrote one of these six years ago, a lot has changed. Change, in general, is expected. Change, in specific…that’s where the surprise comes in. Some of it’s great. Some of it’s good. Some of it’s not so good. Some of it, honestly, can kinda suck. The constant in all of this has been The Wife. There is not a shadow of a doubt of her love, her support or her character regardless of great, good or sucky changes in circumstances. I don’t have to fear that if I mess up, will she still love me (she hasn’t quit on me yet…why start now?). Even though she may binge-watch a dozen episodes of “Snapped”, I don’t have to fear that she’ll kill me in my sleep.

Since the last time I wrote one of these six years ago, there is one amazing thing that has changed in such amazing ways and that is amazingly how I love her more now than then. And that is something that I did not believe could be possible.

Down-Right Amazing

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Thu, 03 Jul 2014 17:49:00 +0000

When it’s been a really (really, really) long time since writing a blog post, you want it to be about something special. Not just special, but down-right amazing. So, today I’m writing about the World Cup. Did we win? Or tie? Or not lose so badly? Come to think of it…that’s not really up to the standard of “down-right amazing”.

What I will write about is The Wife. Today is her REDACTEDth birthday and she is down-right amazing. I couldn’t imagine that anyone could love me the way that she does. There’s no feeling quite like knowing…and not just “knowing”, but “KNOWING-KNOWING”…that the person you love loves you, too, and regardless of happenstance or chance or circumstance that love does not waver. Plus…she laughs at my jokes.

As a mom, The Wife will stack up with the best of all time. Cleaver, Huxtable, Brady, Bundy...none have anything on her. She has molded two outstanding young men through her love, support and prayers. She’s willing to sacrifice everything for them, but she’s also willing to hold them accountable (even as 20 and 15 year olds). For boys that age to seek out her advice and her time and her hugs speaks to the strength of the relationships that she still has with them.

The Wife is talented and kind and generous and loyal and considerate to all who know her. She is a down-right amazing lady. So much so, in fact, fireworks will be shot in her honor all weekend long.

Happy birthday, dear. I love you.

The 2014 Wifey Awards

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Sat, 01 Mar 2014 22:02:00 +0000

Yes, just in time for The Oscars, it’s the 4^th Annual Wifey Awards. These are my categories based on movies (or films, if you want to be pretentious) that I’ve seen. If I didn’t see it, I didn’t include it. Most of these I’ve seen with The Wife by my side, sharing my popcorn and, bite by bite, dropping it on the floor. There are lots of links to clips, trailers and photos here, so you can explore the movies if you choose. Also, here are links to 2013, 2012 and 2011 Wifey Awards.

Category: Best looking actress

Jennifer Aniston, We’re the Millers: Aniston has been nominated in this category every year, which is a tribute to her body of work (pun most definitely intended).
Paula Patton, 2 Guns: Finally dumping that doofus Robin Thicke clinched her nomination here.
Amy Adams, American Hustle: Her necklines plunged like Jimmy Carter’s approval rating.
And The Wifey goes to…The Wife. She edges out poor Jen again. We’re approaching “Susan Lucci” territory with the annual snubs of Aniston. Better luck next year.

Category: Best movie scene

Captain Phillips, closing scene: A very subdued performance throughout and then draws every bit of emotion out of himself and the audience in the last 2 minutes.
American Hustle, science oven: Rosalyn (Jennifer Lawrence) saying “thank God for me” is pretty classic. Note: clip includes "adult language".
Gravity, opening sequence: Sure it’s all special effects, but Alfonso Cuaron gave an incredible perspective on the intense vastness of space.
And The Wifey goes to…Captain Phillips. This is why Tom Hanks is a national treasure. He’s come a long way since Bosom Buddies!

Category: Best Hair

Jeremy Renner, American Hustle: It would take dozens of woodland creatures to create a pelt like Renner has on the top of his head.
Christian Bale, American Hustle: Batman has really let himself go.
Elizabeth Banks, Hunger Games: Catching Fire: The odds are in favor of that being a labradoodle on her head.
And The Wifey goes to…Bale. Anything that was so painstakingly put together deserves an award. When I first saw the trailer for American Hustle I had no idea that was Christian Bale.

Category: Best Sequel or Remake

A Good Day to Die Hard: A bad Die Hard movie is better than no Die Hard movie. This was at least average.
Star Trek Into Darkness: I love the new Star Trek. J.J. Abrams honors the old story lines while adding his own fresh twist. It is how re-makes should be done.
Hunger Games: Catching Fire: The development of the overall story could have been done in about 15 minutes. It was a good movie, but what was the point in the plot line?
And The Wifey goes to…Star Trek. Sherlock is Khan? That’s tough to beat.

Category: Best Movie You May Not Have Seen

The Way, Way Back: Steve Carell and Sam Rockwell lead a cast-full of strong performances in this

coming-of-age comedy. A “feel good” film if you need it.
Prisoners: Not a “feel good” movie at all. This is a moody thriller that explores what lengths we would go to in order to protect our children and seek justice. Great acting performances (Hugh Jackman and Jake Gylenhall) and expertly directed, too.
Rush: Ron Howard explores the clash of personalities, philosophies and egos in this true story of rival race car drivers.
And The Wifey goes to...The Way, Way Back. I had a tough time deciding between this one and Prisoners. In case of a tie, The Wifey goes to the movie The Wife liked the best.

Category: Movie of the Year

Captain Phillips: Perhaps Hanks’ best performance since Cast Away. He deserved an Oscar

nomination. Paul Greengrass does a great job directing the audience throughout this intense story.
American Hustle: It would be tough to assemble a better cast. It’s become hipster to hate this movie, but it is one of the best movies of the year that I saw.
Lone Survivor: A very raw and gripping portrayal of this true story of a Navy SEAL team mission gone wrong in Afghanistan. It is tough to watch at times, but it is important to watch anyway.
And The Wifey goes to…Lone Survivor. You will remember what you saw, heard and felt from this movie for years to come. It is a fitting tribute to the men and women who serve to defend us. It is tough to top that.

Harold Ramis Lifetime Achievement Award

This week one of my favorite movie writers/directors passed away. If you laughed in a movie over the last

35 years, it is likely Harold Ramis (first on right) had something to do with it. Ramis brought us movies like Animal House, Stripes, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day and Vacation. And I honestly don’t know that I can communicate with another human being without Caddyshack as part of my lexicon. So, I’ve got that going for me…which is nice. While he was sometimes an actor (Ghostbusters and Stripes) Ramis did more as a writer and director. He did what I wish I could: make people laugh without necessarily needing the spot light to do it. Do yourself a favor this week and watch (or more likely re-watch) a Harold Ramis movie.

Advice and Good Advice for Valentine's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 02:24:00 +0000

Valentine's Day is this Friday. If your response to that sentence is "Oh *expletive*!" then this blog post may be just what you needed. Here is some advice and some good advice for you to "Keep a HappyWife" on Valentine's Day.

Advice: Don’t buy your wife and girlfriend the same gift.

Good advice: If you have a wife…don’t have a girlfriend.

Advice: Tell your wife she’s the most beautiful girl you’ve seen today.

Good advice: Adding “and that includes the chicks I’ve been scoping on FarmersOnly.com” does not make that a better compliment.

Advice: Dinner and movie can be a nice Valentine’s evening.

Good advice: Dinner should not be a McRib. Movie should not star a Schwarzenegger, a Stallone or a Van Damme.

Advice: Writing your wife a poem is a sweet and sentimental Valentine’s gesture.

Good advice: The poem should not start with the line “There once was a man from Nantucket”.

Advice: While not very creative, a heart box of candy chocolates is a delicious gift.

Good advice: You should not pick out the chocolates filled with caramel leaving only the ones filled with Texas Pete or silly putty.

Advice: A good line is “You’re pretty as a picture”.

Good advice: Don’t add “I mean almost any picture. Even prettier than those cartoon babes, except for maybe Jessica Rabbit”.

Advice: Tell your wife “I love you”.

Good advice: If she asks you “why?” be prepared with an answer other than just “you let me see you naked”.

As a reference, here are links to prior Valentine's Day posts:

Adventures in Lingerie Shopping

Kicking Butt on Valentine's Day (A Case Study)

Valentine's Special: Let Me Be Your Rufus

Guide to Christmas Day Essentials

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Tue, 24 Dec 2013 14:34:00 +0000

Where do I find...?

Does anyone remember...?
What about that thing with that guy...?

Here are a few links and lists for some Christmas Day essentials. Please share on Facebook or re-tweet on twitter as your friends can use this too.

First and foremost...The Story of Jesus' Birth

Or told another way...Charlie Brown...What Christmas Is All About

Something to read while tucking in the kids...Twas the Night Before Christmas

Something to help convince the kids to get to bed...Santa Tracker

Blog Post Links...Something written by me:

Christmas Carol Lyrics

Christmas Song Performances....the one from Studio 60 and the one with Mariah Carey & Jimmy Fallon you may not have seen before, but they are outstanding.

And of course...

The Best of Festivus (Seinfeld)

I could add to so much to this, and probably will for next year. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Have a blessed and prosperous New Year.

When I Grow Up...I Want To Be Santa Claus

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Mon, 23 Dec 2013 19:29:00 +0000

Spoiler Alert: Contains age-sensitive information on Santa Claus.

“Some kids at school say Santa isn't real”.

“Those little *bleeps*!”

The Older Son (formerly known as “The Tall One”, then “The Taller One”) was about eight years old when

he said the first line. I thought, but fortunately did not say, the second line. Of course when I say "bleeps" I mean "Grinches".

Some parents don’t give their kids a chance to believe in Santa. Let me just say, with all due respect, you suck. Please don’t tell me that you don’t want to lie to your kids. Because Santa Claus would be the least of the lies you’ll tell your kids over the years and you know it. You don’t give your kids (or yourself, for that matter) the chance to have the fun that Santa is at Christmastime. Worse yet, your precious little know-it-all ruins it for the rest of us. And that takes us back to where we started…”Some kids at school say Santa isn’t real”.

Kids grow up fast. Too…dang…fast. (I hate that “Cat’s in the Cradle” song, don’t you?) You can’t hang on to so many treasures (small and great) of their childhood for very long. I was determined to keep the fun and wonder of Santa for at least one more year. I needed to give him proof. Showing him the fat guy in the red suit at the mall wouldn’t do it (we all know that those guys are just Santa’s little helper anyway…or is that The Simpsons’ dog?). I needed him to see a fat guy in a red suit on Christmas morning. I would be the proof. I would be that fat guy!

I had about a month to plan this out. The level of details of my plan made Ocean’s Eleven look like setting

up a yard sale by comparison. We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at The In-Laws. Every member of the family had a role in this elaborate scheme. I sketched out a drawing of each level of their home. It was like Shooter drawing up the “picket fence” play in Hoosiers. Timing and strict adherence to the plan was critical for success. I made a list and checked it twice, reviewing the staging with each of my co-collaborators.

So in the wee hours of that December 25^th, I rolled out of bed having barely slept. I went to the basement where I had stored my red suit, hat and boots. I went back up to the living room and sat by the tree and waited. As The Boys woke up, The Middle Sister-in-Law was to keep them upstairs while everyone else took their places. As I heard them start down the stairs, I dashed from the living room, passed The Boys on the stairs, through the foyer and into the den. They saw Santa…or at least a fat guy in a red suit.

The Boys went into the living room and saw where Santa had been and then dashed into the den to try to find him. By then, I had double backed down to the basement. The Mother-in-Law and The Wife were in the den where they told The Boys they had just seen Santa…up the chimney he rose.

By that time, I had shed my Santa suit and gone to the front yard where I joined The Younger-Sister-in-Law, The Brother-in-Law and The Father-in-Law. We called out to The Boys to come see as Santa and his sleigh had just taken flight from the roof! They just missed seeing the reindeer and sleigh drive out of sight, but we did have a picture to show them later (a picture which I had taken the night before and photo-shopped in Santa and his sleigh).

Months later, as The Older Son and I were driving to a football game I told him the truth about Santa. He replied, “I knew Santa couldn't be real, but, Dad, we saw him!” I then got to share the story of last year’s Christmas and St. Nick’s visit. While I didn't get to see the look on The Boys’ faces when they saw Santa that morning, I did get to see his eyes light up and pay me the great compliment of “that’s pretty cool, dad”.

As must happen, another cherished part of childhood fell to the wayside. It wasn't the first one and won’t be the last. It’s part of watching your kids grow up and growing up is a necessity of, well…growing up. Santa went out in a way that, even after eleven years later, The Boys and our whole family will always remember. I hope this will be a story The Boys can tell their kids about what their grandpa, a jolly old elf, did one time at Christmas.

So...How'd It Go?

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Sat, 23 Nov 2013 11:23:00 +0000

Previously on Keep a Happy Wife…The Wife and I were celebrating our 24^th anniversary. For each hour of that day, I was giving her a gift, card or memento that related to that year in our marriage. You've likely been thinking all week “Well, how did it go?” or “Is Thanksgiving this week?” or “If a man can think up 24 gifts to give his wife on their anniversary, how can the smartest people on the planet not get a healthcare website to work?”.

The day did start with a white rose, which was the flower in our wedding, but I wasn't dumb enough to wake her at 1 AM. Here are some other highlights:

Notes from friends from all times of our marriage including from our sons, The Parents and The In-Laws.
A Noah’s Ark Christmas ornament (another story for another day).
Pralines from our favorite candy store from our favorite vacation destination, Charleston.
A Tennessee Tech mini-basketball (we had season tickets when we lived in Cookeville, TN).
A video slide show of our road trip vacation from 2009.
Tickets to the Fantasy of Trees, which was a Thanksgiving weekend tradition in Knoxville.
The last item of the day was a dozen red roses.

It was a fun day for both of us. We got to remember together the different times of our marriage, why we love each other and how blessed we have been day by day.

Events Occur In Real (Good) Time

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Mon, 18 Nov 2013 10:51:00 +0000

Twenty four years ago today, The Wife and I were pronounced “Keep-A-Happy-Wife-Guy” and “The Wife”.

To celebrate that, my warped logic went like this:

24
24 years
24 hours in a day
Let’s celebrate once an hour for each year we've been married.

So, about 1 AM, I woke her up and gave her a single white rose. She stabbed me in the throat with the stem of the flower and smothered me to death with a pillow.

The End.

Well, that didn't really happen. I’ll post something later and let you know how the day went. Some gifts, notes and mementos will be hidden. Some will come by e-mail, Facebook or Twitter. Some I'll actually give her in person.

If you don’t hear from me, and The Wife starts living large off the life insurance paycheck or maybe starts dating that Thor guy…tell the authorities (heck...tell Jack Bauer) that the murder weapons were a white rose and a feather down pillow.

TV Reviews and An Endangered Species

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Sat, 26 Oct 2013 15:28:00 +0000

The Wife and I enjoy TV. I realize that’s not the sophisticated thing to say, but I don’t shop at

Whole Foods either and I had a doughnut for breakfast. So, I’m over trying to impress you with how evolved I am.

Ours is not a hipster family. Some may call it "old fashioned". One day, maybe they’ll call it “old school” when a man and his The Wife are only married to each other and raise a family together. Maybe being an endangered species will make it cool to be a traditional, American family. More to that later.

The Wife and I are both very busy (as most people are) and we like to relax together watching television. Occasionally, we may even talk about the show during the time it takes to fast forward through the commercials (on the 8^th day, God invented the DVR…am I right?).

I enjoy a good story told well. Even better is a funny story told in a way that earns a laugh. Here are a few quick reviews of many of the new shows for the Fall of 2013. Some are good stories told well. Some, you’d be better off fast forwarding through the show to get to the commercials.

Terrible

Goldbergs – If there is an overused, family stereotype this show shamelessly abuses it. How many dopey, un-affectionate dads do we need on TV? The 1980s deserves a good comedy set in that decade. This is NOT it.

Hostages – An interesting premise (A surgeon’s family is kidnapped. The kidnappers will kill them if the doctor doesn’t let the President die during surgery) that quickly falls apart. The storytelling is lazy and the dialogue is stale.

Agents of Shield – Since "The Avengers" movie, I have a problem with this franchise of superhero stories. Once you bring Thor, Iron Man and Scarlett Johansson together (like in "The Avengers") it’s kinda ridiculous that any one of the Avengers is left to fight any super villainous threat to humanity by themselves.

The Millers – I like Will Arnett (yes, I’m the one). However, other than "Arrested Development", investing in a Will Arnett show has proven to be the same as bothering to name the goldfish you won at the county fair. His shows ("Running Wilde" and "Up All Night") just don’t seem to make. The Millers also leans heavily on tired clichés. The mother and father of the adult children are constantly bickering. The mother is over-bearing and the father is a buffoon. The cast has talent, but the show lacks creativity. "Up All Night" was a much better show.

Take It or Leave It

Mom – The Wife likes this show, but probably doesn’t want to admit it. It is funny (with more than a touch

of “semi-crude” humor). Allison Janney (who was great in "The West Wing") has proven to be a very good comedic actress. The supporting cast could use some work (or at least use French Stewart more), but Janney is strong and the jokes are funny.

Sleepy Hollow – I don’t know. There are aspects of this premise I find interesting, but it’s so complicated. I won’t bother to explain it all because the show itself has a two-minute lead in to each episode to remind viewers what is going on. Ichabad Crane showing up to battle the Headless Horseman in modern day Sleepy Hollow had some potential. There are lots of plot problems (Why is Crane still wearing 1770s era clothing when he’s been in the 21^st century for weeks?) but I like the two lead characters. The show just asks for a lot of investment for what will likely disappoint in the end. I don't know.

Good – These are the top 5 new shows from 2013, plus one with special recognition.

Blacklist – This is a well-written “spy” drama starring James Spader. Spader is great as the super-smug super-villain who mysteriously starts assisting a new FBI agent in the capture high-profile criminals. It is a formula-show, but it is a formula that can hold up over time and adds in enough twists of background stories to help keep things interesting from week to week. It's like "Alias" meets "White Collar".
Crazy Ones – Watching Robin Williams do comedy is like watching Peyton Manning play

quarterback. You have to pay careful attention and maybe even watch it twice to pick up on everything that is going on. The show is funny and, while Williams carries the show, the supporting cast is good enough.
Brooklyn Nine Nine – I've never been a big Andy Samberg fan. So, for me to not only like this show but admit that it is “LOL” funny means that it is pretty darn good. Andre Braugher (who I've liked since "Homicide: Life on the Street"…man, that was a good show) delivers a great dead-pan to Samberg’s silliness. The rest of the cast has a lot of comedic talent, too.
Trophy Wife – I like Bradley Whitford. I liked him in "The West Wing" (with Allison Janney). I liked him in "Studio 60". And, while "Trophy Wife" isn’t nearly as funny as "The Good Guys" (How did that show not catch on? Watch it on Netflix.) "Trophy Wife" is still a pretty good show with a pretty Malin Akerman as the “trophy wife”. The rest of the cast (especially the kids) is talented, too. The name is a problem for the show and it could stand for some other minor changes, too. I hope it sticks around because Whitford and Akerman are both worth watching (each for their own reasons).
Back In the Game – I honestly thought this show would be terrible, so it didn't have a high bar to leap over for me. The plot of a mom coaching her nerdy son’s baseball team with the help of her curmudgeon father sounded putrid. However, Maggie Lawson (“Psych”) is adorable and James Caan brings some depth to a character that could simply be a grumpy old man.

MUST WATCH!

The Michael J. Fox Show – When you look at all of the new shows in 2013, by my count there are two shows that focus on a traditional, nuclear family. One was "The Goldbergs" and the other is "The Michael J. Fox Show". "The Goldbergs" is terrible. So, I can’t recommend that. The Fox show, however, is very good and worth watching.

I think it is interesting that so few shows have a dad and a mom living together while raising their children. Is it so rare that a family looks like mine, or the Romanos or the Huxtables? I'm not making a judgment against anyone's family situation. The American family has changed over the years and Hollywood has changed with it. I'm just asking if it's taken that change too far.

Mom is a show about three generations of single moms. Trophy Wife is about a man and his relationships with his 3^rd wife and his two exes. Both are funny shows that I enjoy. Both portray family situations that, I suppose, are more and more common in America. However, how many shows (new or not) are on TV now that portray “traditional” families? The Middle? The Simpsons? The Fox Show does this, so it is an important addition to the TV lineup for that reason alone.

Ultimately, it’s important that the jokes on The Fox Show are good, which they are. Also, the battle that Fox (and his character on the show) has with Parkinson’s is dealt with in a very creative way (it’s part of the show, but doesn’t overwhelm the story line). The Michael J. Fox Show is worthy of watching because it tells funny stories in a way that earns a laugh. While I doubt the producers intended this, it is also worthy of watching as it celebrates that endangered species known as the traditional, American family.

Loni Anderson Is Not My Hero

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Sat, 19 Oct 2013 12:03:00 +0000

“You’re my hero”…that’s what she wrote.

I’ve told you before how The Wife and I use our bathroom wall to post graffiti. Bible verses, quotes, propositions, love notes, etc. are the typical subject matter. But, “you’re my hero”? I had two immediate thoughts: First, I don’t leap tall buildings in a single bound. I don’t even leap at all anymore. Second, she’s once again confused me with Thor (I get that from a lot of people. Easy mistake).

So, how do we choose our heroes? When we are young, we typically choose quite poorly and equate fame to heroism. If you google disgraced athletes (and “googling” may be what got some of them in trouble in the first place) you get an insanely long trail of fallen heroes. Let’s see: Clemens, Sosa, McGwire, Tiger, Rodriguez, Hernandez, Armstrong and OJ, just to name some of the most successful men to play their respective sports only to have their reputation decimated by their own hand. Perfect shouldn’t have to be the standard for any hero, but you have to draw the line somewhere, like maybe cheating at a criminal level, rampant infidelity, fraud, perjury and homicide.

Personally, growing up I had two posters on my wall: Pete Rose and Loni Anderson. Pete Rose was a hero because I loved how he played the game. If the team needed him to play second, left, right, third or first he did it and he did it well. He approached every play like his bowl-cut hair was on fire. Oh yeah, he could hit a little bit, too. How did that “hero” turn out though? “Not too good” would be a safe bet.

Loni Anderson wasn’t what I’d call a “hero”, but she had to be brave to work with that Herb Tarlek guy (and pretty brave to wear that white bikini…am I right?). Of course once I found out she was married to Burt Reynolds…well she might as well have bet on baseball. What a disappointment. Burt and Loni: the less talented Brad and Angelina of the early 1980s.

With a lot more age and, hopefully, a little more wisdom I think I have a little better perspective on who my real heroes are. I can start with The Dad. When I was a kid, my dad worked crazy hours, often worked two jobs and when he went back to night class to earn his college degree he was probably a dozen years older than the others in his graduating class. (If I had half the work ethic that he does, I would have finished this blog post hours ago). Now that I'm an adult, I see how much he cares for my mom and that there isn't a man in the world more reliable and dependable than my dad (no, my father is not a Volvo).

The Father-in-law is another “hero”. First, he let me marry The Wife. That was act of bravery like he was in a Die Hard movie. I’ve also seen over the years how he’s modeled trusting God in difficult situations (hopefully, my being married to his daughter isn’t one of those “difficult situations”). He is also a great example of helping people feel loved and appreciated. He is generous and kind-hearted and often goes out of his way to serve others.

I know neither The Dad nor The Father-in-Law would refer to themselves as a hero. I would say most people don’t consider themselves to be heroes. (If they do, they probably ARE NOT heroes, but they definitely ARE insufferable a$$-hats). I certainly don’t feel like a hero because I know how flawed I am and I hear every un-heroic (or is it “non-heroic”) thought that passes through my brain. Hopefully, I’m somewhere between “insufferable a$$-hat” and “hero” and by the grace of God trending towards the latter and not the former (Did I use that expression right?. If I didn't, I meant to say I'm not becoming more of an a$$-hat. Either way, I'm gonna get in trouble with The Wife for using the phrase "a$$-hat" so much. Even though I used a $ instead of an S, so it really isn't a bad word).

It does make me feel a little more like a hero, however, to have a wife who calls me one. A Wife who, as Melvin Udall said in "As Good As It Gets", "makes me want to be a better man". Maybe The Wife is the true hero in this marriage and not me (and definitely not Loni Anderson).

Two random pop culture references I wanted to work into this post but couldn't make them fit: The song "My Hero" by The Foo Fighters is awesome and supports my point on the topic. The TV show "Heroes" was outstanding in its first season. The rest of them stunk.

You Light Up My Life (or I Like Golf…Don’t Judge Me!)

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Sun, 28 Jul 2013 17:36:00 +0000

Last weekend The Wife and I (and the In-Laws) attended a conference held by our friends at Impact Ministries in Huntsville. Last weekend also happened to be the British Open (or as golf snobs and British people call it “The Open Championship”). Church and golf. Golf and church.

Church OR golf. Golf OR church.

We have a dilemma. More specifically, I have a dilemma.

Thanks to smart phones, we were able to keep up with scores in between conference sessions

(ok…”during” conference sessions, too). One of us would pull up the current scores on our phone and discreetly (ok…not so discreetly) show the screen to the others. As players moved up and down the leader board we would react with everything from the “raise-your-eyebrows-surprise look” to slightly muffled “wows”. When Phil Mickelson pulled within a stroke of the lead on the back nine, you might have thought we got the Holy Ghost.

It was at that point, that I left. It was with The Wife’s blessing (see how awesome she is) but I left church to go find a bar at 10:30 in the morning to watch golf. Don’t judge me. It’s a major championship.

So, I sat alone at a bar with every TV in the place set to the British Open. Phil had one of the best final rounds in major championship history and won the Open by 3 strokes. I had plenty of time to make it back to the church before the service was even over.

The lobby of the church was off to the side of the auditorium and I stood there listening in as the service wrapped up. As I looked through the crowd, my eye was immediately captured by The Wife.

If you’ve ever seen The Blues Brothers, you’ll remember the scene where Jake and Elwood are at church. James Brown is the preacher and asks the congregation “Do you see the light?”. Jake does see the light and he glows in a light descending from Heaven.

That’s what it’s like when I see The Wife. (I can’t think of anything else

that she might have in common with Jake Blues other than that, though. She doesn’t have her letters of her name tattooed on her fingers. She doesn’t eat four fried chickens and a Coke for lunch. She’s never even sung at Bob’s Country Bunker). Wherever she may be and whatever the setting or circumstance, the sight of her grasps my attention and my heart even more now than it did when we first met. Congratulations to Phil, but I’m a major winner, too.

How I Proposed To Your Mother

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Sat, 20 Jul 2013 12:42:00 +0000

Hello, Darlin. Nice to see you. Its been a long time.

Yes, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted a blog here. I have not been dead, divorced, abducted by aliens, out of the closet or in a coma. As George (and Frank) Costanza famously said: “I’m back, baby. I’m back”.

You may have seen the show “How I Met Your Mother”. It is the seemingly endless tale that a dad shares with his kids about how he, in fact, met their mom. When you watch individual episodes of the show, it is pretty strong comedy. The story arcs are a labor to endure, however. How long does it really take to tell how you met your wife? (Apparently nine years). At any rate, this is the story of how I proposed to The Wife. I promise it won’t take nine years, but it will take longer than it probably should.

Twenty-four years ago this month I proposed to The Wife. A couple of weeks ago, we happened to revisit the site of that proposal. It was in the gazebo in the Opryland Hotel conservatory. As we sat there together, I had to think about that moment nearly a quarter century ago and how I got that one right. And I had to think what if that moment never happened? What if at some point in my life or hers something bumped just enough in the time line that kept that proposal from happening?

What if…I’d been born in Alabama? On the plus side, I’d have lots of National Championship t-shirts (that I made in my garage and tried to sell out of the trunk of my Pontiac Fiero). On the negative side, I’d have a wife named Lurlene who screamed “Roll Tide” at inappropriate times of intimacy. I’d also have a three-legged dog named “Bear”. (Let the death threats from Tuscaloosa begin in 3….2…1).

What if…I’d gone to umpire school? In college, I thought if I didn’t meet someone before I graduated I might go to Florida and enroll in an umpire school. I could be ringing up Alex Rodriguez in a Triple A game this week!

What if…(and these next two are real…and spectacular) her dad had not changed jobs during The Wife’s senior year of high school? Prior to that, she was planning on going to college in Tulsa. When her family moved, she decided to stay at home and go to school at Tennessee Tech.

What if…one of us didn’t know Amy Taylor? You see, Amy introduced us in an Economics class at Tech. Without Amy’s introduction, I doubt my amazing grades in Econ 201 would have been enough to make The Wife think: “This nerdy guy who keeps staring at my boobs gets awesome test scores in this boring class. I would really like to meet him”.

Fortunately for me all the things in history properly clicked and lead us to that moment in the gazebo. So, with history on my side, let me tell you, children, how I proposed to your mother.

I was working in Chattanooga and The Wife and her family were in Cookeville (if you don’t know where those places are, consult a globe). I had just started a job out of college and the training class I was in was getting out early on Friday. I jumped in the T-bird and headed to Cookeville. Not to see The Wife, but to see the man who would become The Father-in-Law. I went to his office and asked his receptionist if I could see him. I waited in the lobby for what seemed like hours. It could have been ten minutes or it could have actually been hours. I was too nervous to think to look at my watch or even remember how to tell time, for that matter. If you want to break a terrorist, make them wait to ask a father if he can marry his daughter. Water-boarding will become obsolete.

I don’t remember a lot about when I finally got in to see him. Before I got to say anything, I think he

tried to sell me some life insurance. That wasn’t too odd since he ran a successful insurance agency. The fact that he wanted me to list him as the beneficiary and asked me if I liked to hunt?…that seemed odd. What I do remember about that conversation was some awkward staring at inanimate objects and watery eyes for both of us (dang allergies). Most importantly, he gave his blessing.

On a side note, I have the best in-laws possible. My family and The Wife’s family not only get along with each other, they love each other. I know a lot of people aren’t this blessed, but I am so thankful for this. The Mother-in-Law always greets me as her “favorite son-in-law”. Which when she started that 24 years ago was funny, because she thought with two other daughters that by now she would be referring to me as her “third-favorite son-in-law”. The Wife’s sisters and brother are not married yet. So, if you are looking to marry into a great family, leave a personal history and photo in the comments section of this blog. I’ll try to hook you up.

The Wife

On Saturday, The Wife and I went to Nashville and after dinner walked through the Conservatory. When we reached the gazebo we sat on the bench. After a few deep breaths and some mostly-successful efforts to not pee myself, I got down on one knee in front of The Wife. Later I would learn that she had no clue what was going on and was thinking “what are you doing? Get up. People are walking by!”. Before she could say anything, I asked her to marry me. She said “yes”. At least I think she said “yes”. She might have said “I’m not going to pay a lot for this muffler”. What I heard was “yes”. And that’s made all the difference.

One day, I’ll share “How I Courted Your Mother”. This could also be titled “How To Wear A Woman Down Into Finally Conceding To Date You”. But that is for another day.

It's Oscar Night...Time for The Wifey Awards

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Sun, 24 Feb 2013 17:42:00 +0000

Welcome to the Third Annual Wifey Awards. These awards are given to movies I saw with The Wife this year. You can find the first and second versions of The Wifey's by following the links. New this year are movie clips from each category, plus a list of websites and links every movie buff should use. So as you stroll down the red carpet tonight, tell Ryan Seacrest who you are wearing (I’m wearing Russell Athletic, Ryan). It's time to enjoy the awards…without the incoherent acceptance speeches.

Category: Give It a Rest

Marvel/Avenger Series: Since the first Iron Man, we’ve seen more movies in this Avenger series than Robert Downey, Jr. has visits to rehab.
Twilight: Can we get Abe Lincoln to rid us of this vampire menace?
Liam Neeson: With all the movies this guy has made lately, how are we all not already dead by his hand? He was even on ESPN...as you'll see in the first minute of this clip it didn't go well.
John Goodman: The only thing he hasn’t been in is The Big Bang Theory. However, the rest of the Rosanne cast has made up for this missing piece to his filmography.
And The Wifey goes to…Twilight. The last year we were not subjected to a Twilight movie was 2007. That’s before Obama was President. See what all this “hope and change” has brought us?

Category: Best Movie You Probably Didn’t See

Bernie: A quirky movie with Jack Black in his best acting performance ever…really his only acting performance ever.
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: A quirky movie with Steve Carrel about what happens in his life when an asteroid is headed towards earth. It’s like the story is torn from last week’s headlines. (Clip).
Moonrise Kingdom: A quirky movie. A very, very quirky movie. So quirky, I’m not really sure what it’s about.
And The Wifey goes to…Seeking a Friend. While The Office launched Carrel’s career (that’s fun to say: “Carrel’s career”) it causes him to be underrated as an actor. While this isn’t his best role, it is still a movie worth seeing.

Category: Best Portrayal of a Dysfunctional Personality

Denzel Washington as Whip Whitaker (Flight) - addicted to addictions. He hit the trifecta: drugs, booze and women. Denzel showed again in this role why he’s one of the best actors of this generation.
Bradley Cooper as Pat Solitano (Silver Linings Playbook) - bipolar. Bipolar is more than just dysfunction for sure. Cooper did a tremendous job portraying the battles with mental illness of Solitano. It's hard to believe he started out as the nerdy friend in Alias.
Mark Ruffalo as The Hulk (Marvel’s The Avengers) - gamma ray disorder. He turns green, has a nasty temper and has more wardrobe malfunctions than Janet Jackson.
And The Wifey Goes to…The Hulk. You want to tell him he didn’t win?

Category: Best Movie Scene

Flight - The hotel refrigerator scene. If you didn’t see the movie this won’t make sense, but if you did you won’t forget it. Expertly acted and directed scene.
Argo – Airport escape. Extremely tense climax scene as “The Six” tries to get on a flight home. You think getting through airport security is tough here, try getting past the Iranians.
Silver Linings Playbook – Dance contest. The dancing was not very good, but it was just good enough. Plus Jennifer Lawrence looked amazing. Now I see why my 14-year old son is always saying “Jennifer Lawrence is hot”. (Click here for clip of the scene).
And The Wifey Goest to…Silver Linings Playbook. I really couldn’t decide so I used “eenie-meenie-minie-mo”.

Category: Best Bad Guy

Bane – Dark Knight Rises: A much better foe to Batman than The Riddler or Mr. Freeze. (clip)
Osama bin Laden – Zero Dark Thirty: He finally meets his end at the hands of the Navy Seals.
Woody Allen – To Rome With Love: He’s not a bad guy, but he deserves a “villain” label for making this stinker of a movie.
And The Wifey Goes to…Bane. I’m not giving an award for anything to bin Laden and the total flop of To Rome at the box office was punishment enough for Woody.

Category: Best Movie

Dark Knight Rises: Probably the best super hero movie of all time. The story, direction and acting in DKR were all nearly perfect.
Argo: The story was fascinating and it was told well by Ben Affleck. A great ensemble cast and a soundtrack full of great music from the late 70s sure didn’t hurt. (Clip)
Flight: One of the things that confirms how well done this movie was is how difficult parts of it were to watch. The struggle of addiction as portrayed in Flight was quite powerful.
And The Wifey Goes to…Argo. It is a unique, but true, story that, while very intense, was still entertaining from beginning to end. Affleck’s come a long way since Gigli or Daredevil.

The Wife and I will continue to be on the lookout for the best movies of 2013. I’m looking for something co-starring Liam Neeson and John Goodman. Hopefully it won’t involve a vampire or be directed by Woody Allen.

*************************************************************

Some helpful movie websites and apps:

IMDB - Info on every movie and TV show as well as filmography of actors, directors, etc.
Fandango – Need to know what is playing where and when…use this site.
Common Sense Media – Family reviews of movies that gives details on violent, sexual and language content.
Run Pee – an app that tells you the best time to take a bathroom break during the movie

Adventures in Lingerie Shopping

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 03:31:00 +0000

What most guys know about lingerie shopping you can fit into an A-cup. For the unlearned dudes out there, an “A-cup” is the smaller size…think “Kate Hudson”. Buying lingerie for The Wife can be like your kid buying you a tie for Father’s Day. It may get worn once out of a sense of obligation and then it’s buried in a drawer or given to the church clothing drive never to be seen again. However, the appropriateness of donating a lace teddy to your church will vary depending upon your denomination.

You hope that the lingerie gift is well received because that stuff is not always easy for a guy to buy in the first place. Let’s say you order by mail. If the package is delivered to your house, then The Wife may get the box before you do. At best, the surprise is ruined or, at worst, she hides the box in a place you’ll never find it (like the laundry room) and your package is forever deemed to have been “lost in the mail”. You may have equal or worse results if the package is sent to your office. Imagine this page over the intercom: “Will Mr. Hot To Trot pick up his Frederick’s of Hollywood package at the front desk on his way to see Human Resources?”.

Shopping in the stores creates its own level of anxiety. I believe sales clerks at Victoria’s Secret get paid bonuses if they embarrass male shoppers to the point of tears. This doesn’t make sense to me since men should be easy targets to “up-sell” (not a euphemism for anything). When I visit the auto mechanic, they can pop the hood and start pointing at belts and clips and straps and tell me what I need to buy and I don’t know any better than to just buy it. The same is true in the lingerie shoppe (note the fancy spelling of the word “shop”). The sales girl can just start pointing at belts and clips and straps and tell me what I need to buy and I don’t know any better but to buy it.

Before a guy decides to enter Victoria’s Secret he’s already made a few reconnaissance “fly bys” (while singing “Danger Zone” in his head) to be sure he doesn’t recognize anybody in the store. He has also developed a plan of attack to acquire the target and retreat to home base. Unfortunately, he gives up on that plan as quickly as the French army…well, gives up. He walks in to the store and when faced with live bullets (or bustiers in this case) he forgets his training and panics. Of course there are no sales clerks to help our shell-shocked warrior as he stumbles aimlessly through the store. An hour later mall security escorts him from the premises after he’s been elbow deep in a stack of panties trying to figure out the difference between a “high-cut brief” and a “bikini”. War is hell. Trying to buy “something special” for “someone special” shouldn’t be.

Finally now, a true “Adventures in Lingerie Shopping” story:

One day a few years ago I decided to buy the wife a nightgown. Nothing risqué. Strictly classy. Honest. I was wandering through the lingerie section of a department store when I heard a voice say: “Can I help you?”.

Here’s where I have to help you use your imagination and ask you to believe I’m not being a racist in the way I tell this story (It’s just funnier this way). The offer for help came from a four-foot-something Asian sales clerk. To say English was her second language would probably be generous. So, what she said was “Can I help you?”. What I heard was: “Khan I hep yew?”.

I told her what I was looking for and she asked in a voice much bigger than her stature:”It for your whife or for gurrrrrl-fren?” and then she erupted with an almost maniacal laugh (think Ozzy at the beginning of “Crazy Train”). I was frightened. People from the lingerie department to the Orange Julius must have heard her. I told her it was for The Wife and then I walked to a different section of the department to look on my own, hoping that Jackie Chan’s creepy little mom would forget about me.

A few minutes later she appears holding a hanger as high as she can over her tiny little head. On this hangar is some style of lingerie that I could not identify. It had clasps and straps and snaps and I think it even had a bottle opener. She presents it for approval by bellowing: “What you tink of dis wahn? It vaaaary saxxxy! It vaaaary daaaaaangerous!”.

To say this wasn’t going well would be like saying the “Boom Goes the Dynamite” guy had an off night. So, I gave up on that idea, but would not go home empty handed. I found the cookie shop in the mall and brought home a snickerdoodle for The Wife (also not a euphemism for anything). I’m pretty sure she would like the cookie more anyway.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Shop at your own risk. When in doubt, buy a cookie.

Do You Trust Me?

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 23:25:00 +0000

Disney’s Alladin was released in 1992. Let that sink in for a minute. 1992. Nineteen-freakin-ninety-two. Now go take your Geritol, clap off your lights and go to bed.

Despite feeling like a geezer when I think about Alladin, it is one of my favorite Disney movies. One of the most critical scenes is where Alladin asks Jasmin “do you trust me?” (this actually happens twice in the movie). God asks us that same question every day “Do you trust me?”.

I was thinking about this as our boys (one a freshman in college, the other a freshman in high school) were headed back to school after Christmas break. And I was thinking about it in context with this verse:

9 If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? 10 If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? 11 As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better? Matthew 7:9-11 (The Message Bible)

This is important to consider from the perspective that The Wife and I have as well as from the perspective of our children.

As parents, we want to protect, comfort and provide for our children. Unless you’re auditioning for some sick reality TV show, you probably want the same for your kids. For their entire lives we have tried to shield them, encourage them, instruct them and provide for them the best we know how. These things are less and less in our control (or what we perceive to be control) now and will only continue to trend that direction over time. As a parent, that is an uncomfortable feeling to which God says: “Do you trust me?”.Do you trust that God loves them more than you love them?

For our boys, when it comes to their mother and me, I hope they are certain that above all else they are loved. That we give them bread and not sawdust. That we give them fish and not a snake. That we give them roller blades and not razor blades (Scratch that last one. It’s a bad Christmas story.). They are now taking more and more ownership of their relationship with God and developing their own answer to His question: “Do you trust me?”. Do you trust that God loves you even more than your parents love you? Do you trust Him to give you wisdom? Do you trust Him to be your provider? Do you trust Him to be your comfort and your protector?

While it is a challenge to loosen our grip on that perceived control, it is fulfilling to see relationships change. Part of that is seeing how our relationships with the boys change as they grow and mature. But part of it is how each of our relationships with God changes as part of this process. A process where we all seek to discover the grace to trust Him more.

How I Very Nearly Ruined Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Sat, 22 Dec 2012 14:18:00 +0000

Each year I usually settle in closer to “Santa Claus” than “The Grinch” on the Scale of Christmas Icons. In fact, one Christmas I actually BECAME Santa Claus…but that’s another story for another day. This Christmas I would have been better off attempting a break-in at Nakatomi Plaza or maybe even replacing Christmas altogether with Festivus (there were, actually, some “airing of the grievances” in this Christmas story). The Christmas I want to share with you now may lead you to believe that my heart had even shrunk two sizes too small.

It all started back in 1998. My son, The Tall One (although both sons are quite tall now, so let’s call him “The Taller One”).

Take two: It all started back in 1998. My son, The Taller One, was four years old and a big fan of hockey’s newest team, the Nashville Predators. The number one thing on his Christmas list that year was a Predators’ sweater (or as he called it “a Predators’ shirt”). The second thing on his list was a pair of roller blades. For a young, southern boy who had only been to (or even seen) one hockey game (the Predators franchise opener) it was a pretty big deal that hockey had vaulted to the top of his Christmas list.

For months, when asked what he wanted for Christmas, The Taller One’s answer was consistent: “A Predators shirt and roller blades”. I, ever the clever one, would tell him that “I’d just got off the phone with Santa. He’s got your Predators SKIRT and RAZOR blades in his sack and ready to bring to you this Christmas”. The four year old failed to find the humor in this and would quickly correct me: “Dad! It’s a Predators SHIRT and ROLLER blades!”, and demand I get back in touch with Santa and make sure he got it right.

We were at The In-Laws for Christmas and when the morning of the 25^th finally arrived I had some gift-giving comedy in store for all of us. Imagine a bright-eyed, hockey-loving, four-year-old boy hurrying down the stairs to the Christmas tree. He’s greeted by his father who hands him a small, brightly-wrapped package. When you’re four and you’re handed a gift to unwrap, you don’t ask questions. You start ripping paper. What The Taller One finds is, you guessed it, a box of razor blades. He says: “Dad, you’re so funny” and gives me a big hug. The rest of the family has a grand laugh to start Christmas day and Frosty the Snowman peers in through the living room window and gives us all a tip of his hat and a wink. Dad of the Year! The End.

Unfortunately, there was a fly in the ointment…a monkey in the wrench…to my happy Christmas ending. When The Taller One opens the package and sees the razor blades he does not laugh, smile or giggle. Not even close. First, his chin sinks to his chest. Then, as it occurs to him that “if these are razor blades then somewhere under that tree there is also a skirt for me”, he crumbles to the floor in disappointment. Tears begin to flow. I’m a dead man.

The Wife and The Mother-in-Law are ready to demonstrate “Feats of Strength” by bashing my skull with the first heavy object they can find. I gather the boy up in my arms and help him find the Predators shirt and roller blades under the tree. For the boy, the crushing sadness gives way to joy. For me, my day didn’t turn around that quickly. The Wife and The Mother-in-Law are plotting my destruction throughout the day. When I see them smile, I worry because that means they have not only thought up a maniacal way to end my existence, but they’ve concocted an air-tight alibi, too.

Through constant apologies and taking great care before I ate or drank anything, I managed to survive the day. However, every year I am reminded by The Wife or the Mother-in-Law or even The Taller One of the year I very nearly ruined Christmas. You know, every time a Bruce Willis movie comes out, nobody reminds him about being in “Look Who’s Talking Too”.

Here’s wishing you and yours a Yippee-ki-yay, Merry Christmas.

What Does My Marriage Have in Common with Michael Jordan?

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 13:40:00 +0000

Question: What does my marriage have in common with Michael Jordan, Ryne Sandberg, David Beckham, The Lord is my shepherd, and a bad Jim Carrey movie (OK, that reference is a bit too vague)? Answer: The number 23.

Today, The Wife and I celebrate our 23^rd wedding anniversary. This week as she’s talked about our 23 years (and I’ve stared intently at her hoping not to detect signs of crushing disappointment) she’s mentioned that she doesn’t remember what it’s like to NOT be married. I believe she meant that as a good thing. I took it that way at least, and I have to agree.

There are some of you who will also know what we mean by that. There has been so much living and so much sharing that your lives have become thoroughly intertwined (kind of like those tangled I-phone ear buds sitting on your night stand…but in a good way). You likely don’t own anything of substance that you had before you were married. And there isn’t anything about your life before you were married that you have any desire to go back to (OK, I’d like to get at least close to being as thin as I was when we were married).

To remember what life was 23 years ago, you’d have to remember having a cassette player in your car where you would have played the debut albums of DC Talk, Nirvana and The Wiggles (who would have thought that the only one of those three to still be around would be The Wiggles…God help us all).

You would have to remember the premier episodes of Seinfeld, Bay Watch and The Simpsons. You would have been able to watch what should have been the last films in the Indiana Jones, Lethal Weapon and Back to the Future series (unfortunately, that was not the case).

You would have to remember what it was like to hear for the first time “You’ve got mail”. You would also have to know what it means to be “a very good driver in the driveway”.

Twenty three years ago the national debt only circled the globe a time or two and you could get a gallon of gas for a little over a buck. Twenty three years ago not only did twelve year olds not have cell phones, but nobody had cell phones. Twenty three years ago you could wear a blue jean jacket and aviator sunglasses (at night).

Oh yeah, twenty three years ago you could buy a Twinkie.

A lot has changed over the last 23 years. We’ve seen two sons born and one of them start college. We’ve moved between seven and nine times, depending on how you count it. We’ve had times that take your breath away and times when we just hold our breath as we pray to get through it. Put it all together and there isn’t a relationship in the world that I would trade this one for and that will never change. I love you, honey. And girl…you know it’s true.

Remembering Mike Being Mike

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 22:57:00 +0000

Apart from my own father (“Hey, Dad”) and my father-in-law (“Hi, Don”) the man who has had the greatest impact in my life has been Mike Kruse. Mike passed away last week.

I first met Mike twenty years ago. I was a far-too-young and far-too-inexperienced CFO for a construction company that was a client of the CPA firm that bore Mike’s name, Kruse & Associates. Five years later, I went to work for Kruse & Associates and Mike became my boss.

Mike was more than just a boss. He was a leader. I never felt like I worked FOR Mike. It always felt like I worked WITH Mike. For a young whipper-snapper (whatever that is) who is looking to learn and grow, there is a tremendous difference between the two.

Mike was more than just a leader. He built more than a successful business, he built people. He helped build me. Like so many that worked with Mike, he believed not only in my ability and my potential, but more importantly, he believed in me. That helped me start believing in myself at a whole new level.

After working with Mike and Kruse & Associates in Nashville for three years, I was part of a small team that moved to Knoxville to start an office there. That’s a much thinner, younger and clean-shaven me on the left. Then, moving to the right, you’ll see Marc, Mike, Donna and Phillip. The three years we worked together in Knoxville was amazing. Even though Mike still lived in Nashville, he spent a lot of time with us in Knoxville. Getting time to work that closely with Mike was a career opportunity of a lifetime on top of being remarkably rewarding personally. Working with Mike blurred the lines between personal growth and professional development.

Mike was a humble man. He often said “if you are really good, you don’t have to waste time telling people how good you are”. Those of us who worked for Mike called comments like that “Kruse-isms”: quips and quotes he said frequently. Sometimes they were funny. Sometimes they were profound. All of them were quickly identified with Mike being Mike.

I’ll finish with a story that shows the servant-mentality that was Mike Kruse. Shortly after going to work with Kruse & Associates, I was at a new client’s office in Kingsport, Tennessee. I had driven up in the morning and Mike was going to drive up later and meet me for dinner that night. This was the first chance I had to work one-on-one with Mike since I joined the firm.

It turned out that it was cold and snowy that entire day, but Mike made it up anyway through the tough weather. After dinner, we decided to meet for breakfast at 7:00 at a Perkins next door to the hotel. I was determined to be early for breakfast and make a good impression on “the big man” so I planned to be at the restaurant by 6:30. Not only did Mike beat me to breakfast, he got up early enough to scrape the snow and ice off of my car….MY car. The car of the new guy. The car of the employee that had not yet done a thing for him or his firm. Did I mention that he was the boss and that it was his name on the letterhead? That spoke more to me about his values and the values of his firm than anything he could have said.

I told that story to Mike several years later. He, of course, had no recollection of it. It was just Mike being Mike. Everyone that knew him has memories like that of “Mike being Mike”.

Most every great thing that has happened to me in my career has Mike Kruse’s fingerprints all over it. I can’t begin to think what my career (or life) would be like without his influence. He was not only very good to me, but he was very good to my family, too. He always asked about Cindy and the boys and was genuinely concerned how they dealt with the moves we made for the firm. I hope some day that Will and Sam are blessed to work with a man like Mike.

Now our family prays for Mike’s: Mary Jean, his wife of 48 years, their children and their grandchildren. We pray for their peace in this time and that somehow they’ll be comforted by knowing the tremendous impact that Mike had on so many lives. We miss you, Mike.

Off To College

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 00:19:00 +0000

I didn’t cry the entire way home, and I suppose that’s something. Today, The Wife and I moved our oldest son into his dorm at college. ($#!+, I’m getting old). For full disclosure, he is only 30 minutes from home and about 5 minutes from where I work. So, it isn’t as if he’s across the country or, Heaven forbid, Cleveland. Whether around the world or around the block (everywhere I go, the Kids Wanna Rock – Bryan Adams, if you want him) or wherever he may be, he’s still not home….pause, while I locate a Kleenex….

I suppose the emotion of the day (which started about a month before his high school graduation) comes from three things.

First, I could not be more proud of both of our boys. They love their Lord. They are considerate and kind. They know how to laugh. They are smart. They know how to face and overcome adversity. All these things qualify The Tall One for success as he enters “The College Years”.

Second, I’m just going to miss him. As a parent, you have to love your kids. If you don’t answer “yes” on the application to the “Do you love your child?” question, then they don’t give you a kid, right? So, loving your offspring is a relative (no pun intended) given. Liking them, however, is not required. I’ve met lots of people’s kids and I don’t know how their parents can stand some of them. They are rude, selfish brats (just being real here). Their folks probably threw a party when their spawn finally moved out. I genuinely like our kids, however.

Some people say you can’t be a friend to your children and still be their dad. I get that to an extent, but if you are lucky (as I am) as my boys get older the more I’ve been able to develop a relationship with them that is both dad and friend. The Tall One and I enjoy sports together, share tastes in music, like the same movies and play golf together. I’m simply going to miss him being around all the time….pause while I locate the box of Kleenex…

Studies show that men think about sex every 52 seconds. You can question the accuracy of the results of that experi…no, they pretty much nailed it (no pun intended this time either). The one thing that may rival how often men think about sex is how often we question our ability as a father. As a husband, if you are doing that wrong, you have a wife to set you straight. As a father, if your kids try to set you straight you introduce them to the "board of education".

That brings me to my final point: there is a sense of doubt that is likely unavoidable at a time when your child is moving into another phase of life. Doubt that persistently asks the question: have you done enough as a father to prepare your son for “this”? The answer is “no”. There are a great many things that could have been done different, better, more often, less often, louder, softer, more strict, more lenient, etc., etc., a million times etc. I mean we all can't be Ward Cleaver (I don't smoke a pipe) or Cliff Huxtable (I can't pull off those sweaters).

There are two things of which I am extremely confident, however. One: My kids will never have a doubt that they are loved. Two: However I may have fallen short, there is a God who loves them more than I do who is eternally capable of training them in the ways they should go.

So now I’ll sit in the basement and watch pre-season football without The Tall One and hope his first night at college is all he wants it to be. Does anybody know if Kleenex delivers?

Shopping Part I: What if You Shop Like Tony Gwynn Hit?

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 02:40:00 +0000

It’s a stereotype, to be sure, but guys are not typically good at shopping. Some men may be good at it (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but for most of us it’s a struggle. For this series, I’ve broken shopping down into four main categories:

1. Regular shopping

2. Man shopping

3. Anti-Man shopping

4. Wife gifts

Regular shopping can be anything from groceries to blue jeans to a garden hose. A man’s typical success rate is about one for three on regular shopping assignments. The Hall of Fame is full of guys that had .333 batting average and none of them do much better at regular shopping than you do. Tony Gwynn was one of the greatest hitters of all time…couldn’t shop worth a darn. Except for groceries…Tony knew how to buy food.

If you return from an errand and you get one out of three items right, unlike baseball, that….that’s not good. Say the wife sent you to the store for 60-watt light bulbs, a loaf of bread and mustard. You bring home one of those curly-Q energy-saver bulbs (out one). The bread you pick up is sour dough, which would be fine except the bread was to be used to make the kids’ lunches and they don’t like that kind (out two). You bring home yellow mustard thinking that if The Wife meant Grey Poupon you could run down a limo somewhere and ask the guy in the back if you can borrow some. You guessed correctly with yellow. You are one for three and headed back to Kroger...not to Cooperstown.

And before you ask: Guys we don’t get bonus points for bringing home extra things not on the list. Picking up a 100-count box of pizza rolls or the world’s largest box of Cheez-it’s or another fantasy football preview magazine does not help your case. Shockingly, it can have the opposite effect. Often it will produce an “I-Know-You-Were-Not-This-Dumb-When-I-Married-You” look from The Wife.

There are things that can be done to improve our batting average with “regular shopping”, but practice does not, in this case, make perfect. Oh, we may get on a hot streak and get everything right on the list for a week or two, but pretty soon we’ll go “0 for the month of October” and our batting average sinks back to normal.

We’ve identified the problem, so here are a few suggestions of things that might actually help:

· Send a child with us: If there is someone that wants to be at the store less than the dad, it is the kid. They won’t tolerate any “window shopping” at the butcher shop or the beer aisle. Their whining will motivate you to stay on task (other than having to buy a box of Sugary Choco-Bombs cereal). Plus they likely know more about what mom buys at the grocery store than the dad ever will.

· Use technology: Ladies, you can text the list to us. Don’t e-mail it because we’ll get lost in some work-related e-mail chain while we are supposed to be opening the message with your shopping list. You can also take pictures with your phone and send them to us. You want us to buy flour? Take a photo of the bag and text it to us and you’ll greatly improve our chances. Tell us to buy flour and you may get all-purpose, you may get self-rising, you may get whole wheat, you may get a bouquet of daisies. You may get any of those any way, but you are reducing the risk of failure if you give us a picture.

· Expectations: There are lots of things we are good at. Regular shopping, generally, is not one of those things. If you go through Facebook profiles of every man that on your friend list, I highly doubt that any of them will list “shopping” as an interest (and if they do, their profile picture may be of them dressed as Liza Minnelli…just sayin’). So, since regular shopping doesn’t come naturally to us, give us a little slack. Sometimes we freeze up trying to decide between Red Gold canned tomatoes or a store brand. So if we come home with the wrong one (or both) that at least shows some effort, so give us a little credit. If we are supposed to pick up canned tomatoes and we show up with a bottle of ketchup, feel free to hit us over the head with it. The emergency room doctor may not be able to tell the ketchup from the blood anyway.

The next installment in the Keep A Happy Wife: Shopping Series will address “Man Shopping”. No, ladies this is not where you get to go out and buy a better model of man to replace your husband (The Wife has had her eye on that guy who plays Thor, so I know how I would be replaced, though she won’t get much trade-in value for me). That post will address the areas of shopping at which we excel (or at least we think we do).

Olympics Quiz

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 00:32:00 +0000

Pip, pip, cheerio. These Olympic Games are bloody marvelous. What a fortnight of sport!

Now if you haven’t been doing so already, you need to start over reading this post and read it with a British accent. So, go ahead…

No, no…not out loud. Read it in your head with a British accent. Otherwise, these blokes will think that you’re off your trolley.

OK…nevermind. Your British accent is bloody awful (Unless you happen to be reading this and you are British, then “’ello, Guv-nah”. You can read it as you normally would).

In honor of the Olympics, I’ve compiled a brief Olympics Quiz for you to take, gentlemen. No need to worry about getting points deducted by the Russian judge. It is a simple, multiple guess quiz, and I’m confident you’ll take a gold medal.

1. You and your wife are watching women’s beach volleyball. One player sets her teammate who leaps high into the air to spike a winner. An acceptable response from you would be:

A. Wow!

B. That’s impressive.

C. Nice teamwork.

D. Any of the above.

E. None of the above.

The correct answer is D – any of the above. Part of the Olympic Spirit is to recognize great athletic ability.

2. You and your wife are watching women’s beach volleyball. One player sets her teammate who leaps high into the air to spike a winner. In the post-point huddle they pat each other on their bikini-clad bottoms. An acceptable response from you would be:

A. Wow!

B. That’s impressive.

C. Nice teamwork.

D. Any of the above.

E. None of the above.

The correct answer is E – none of the above. To be safe, don’t make a sound, don’t move, don’t even breath. Just sit in silence until archery comes back on.

3. While watching men’s gymnastics, your wife comments on how strong the gymnasts must be. Your response is:

A. Suck in your gut and say: “Yeah…I suppose so”.

B. Flex a little bit every time you do a “12-ounce curl”.

C. Comment: “You know they’re all gay, right?”

D. Stop sucking in your gut because you’re about to give yourself a hernia.

E. Ask your wife to call an ambulance as you’ve separated your shoulder and fractured your skull trying to turn a cartwheel.

The correct answer is D – Stop sucking in your gut. You aren’t fooling her or anyone else anyway. (Although there is some consensus that C is a good answer, too. Right guys?)

4. While watching men’s gymnastics (that seems to be on TV a lot...thanks NBC) your wife says she hopes Team USA can hold on and win a medal. Your response is:

A. “They blew it and came in fifth. This is on tape delay you know”.

B. “I already know how they did. Do you want me to tell you or do you want to keep watching more of this stuff anyway?”

C. “What kind of medal do they hand out for fifth place? Is it aluminum?”

D. “It’s just fun to watch this together, isn’t it, honey?”

The correct response is D – It’s fun to watch this together. My actual response was A. So, I blew it and didn’t win a medal either.

5. Which of the following should be an Olympic Event in 2016?

A. 100 meter heat stroke

B. Pull my finger (team and individual)

C. Synchronized loafing

D. Name That Tune (International Anthem Edition)

The correct response is: stop being such a smart aleck and just enjoy the Olympic games, but don’t enjoy the women’s beach volleyball too much.

What Could Be More American Than Doing Yard Work? Not Loverboy. (Encore Presentation)

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Rose) — Sat, 30 Jun 2012 19:36:00 +0000

In honor of both Independence Day and The Wife's birthday (this is one of The Wife's favorite posts), here is an "Encore Presentation" of a Keep A Happy Wife blog entry. Here's a tip: don't let the only gift you give your wife for her birthday be a recycled blog post). Enjoy...Happy Independence Day.

Just a quick post today folks as you head into the weekend everybody's been working for (Try not to go off the deep end. If you do you'll need a second chance. Oh.). Let's talk about yard work. I love yard work. Mowing. Mulching. Trimming. It's something of a passion of mine. Oh. Wait…No it's not.

I have a tough time enjoying an activity that is commonly assigned to inmates during their stretch in the county lockup. When was the last time you had this conversation with your wife?

You: "Hey, honey, do you want to go to the movies tonight?"
Wife: "No way. Let's go down in the basement and bang out a few license plates".
You: "Brilliant idea! That sounds like much more fun. While we're at it, let's put on our orange jump suits and pick up trash along the highway".

Unless "bang out a few license plates" is a euphemism for something else, you have never had that conversation in your life. So, forgive me if I don't enjoy yard work. (Also, forgive me if you don't like reading something that looks like a play – you know, like Bill Shakespeare. I've got a couple sections in here tonight that are written that way. It wasn't planned. It just happened. It ain't "to be or not to be", but it's better than any skit Anthony Michael Hall was in on Saturday Night Live).

Despite my best instincts to the contrary, yard work was done this evening and I wasn't "loving every minute of it". We bought mulch a few months ago but didn't get any of it out until tonight. Between rain, baseball, tennis and countless other excuses (legitimate and otherwise) it was a chore that remained undone for far too long. I had to start working this item off the list to Keep A Happy Wife.

It was hot. Hot as a Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover. And to keep with the Loverboy theme…The Kid Is Hot Tonite. (By the way, Loverboy was on the "American Summer Concert Series" today on Fox & Friends. Do they realize that Loverboy is not from America? They are Canadian. Who's on next week? Men at Work? Ah-ha?)

To those who do lawn maintenance and landscaping as a profession, I mean no disrespect by my loathing of yard work. If you do this work every day and you do it well, then my sweat-soaked hat is off to you. First, it is hard work and that is an honorable thing. Second, the yard maintenance profession is full of entrepreneurs. Warren Buffet, General Electric and Time Warner aren't doing leveraged buy-outs of lawn mowing conglomerates. I bet Ted Turner doesn't even mow his own yard (Is he even still alive? I don't remember and I'm too tired to Wiki it). An industry composed entirely of entrepreneurs is to be saluted. Ain't that America? (Although, many in that industry, like Loverboy, aren't from America…but that is America, too.).

So…where was I? Oh, yeah. It was hot. While all of the mulch didn't get out (we had 50 bags), the front yard is done and that is a good dent in it. Good enough to impress the Wife a bit and ease my guilt over playing golf tomorrow and then going to the track afterwards (By the way, Belmont picks are in the Triple Take on Sports section).

If you plan on putting out mulch anytime soon (and if you are sane, you've already had it done for months), I've put together a list of Mulching Pit Falls to avoid and make this cruel and unusual task a bit more bearable.

1. Mulch Foot: This is a condition where you dump a bag of much on your foot getting mulch all in your shoe and sock. If you find yourself with a case of "Mulch Feet" you should just quit and go back inside (but take off your shoes before you go in the house).

Moments before crashing next door.

2. Left Eye Blind: No, this isn't a new alternative rock band. This occurs when sweat drips down your forehead and into your left eye. I don't seem to have that much trouble with my right eye. Your results may vary.

3. Wilbur Wright: A "Wilbur Wright" is when a breeze kicks up and carries an empty bag of mulch into the neighbor's yard. It's called a "Willbur Wright" because the bag goes about as far as the Wright Brothers first flight went (and Wilbur was the pilot). Plus you couldn't call something this annoying an "Orville Wright". He was the cool Wright brother. Chicks dug Orville.

Chick at bar: "So, your name is Orville. Just like that popcorn guy".
Orville: "Yes, it is".
Chick at bar: "Well, what do you do Orville? Do you make popcorn, too"?
Orville: "Oh, never mind what I do. Let's talk about you. So tell me….what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this".
Wilbur (interrupts): "We make bicycles. We are going to make a bicycle fly".
Chick at bar: "Make a bicycle fly? Who do you guys think you are? E.T."?
Ironically, Wilbur was a terrible wingman.

4. Rake Face: This is pretty much what it sounds like. Try not to hit yourself in the face with a rake. It will leave a mark and stings significantly more than Left Eye Blind and is more difficult to treat (and explain) than Mulch Foot.

5. Stroke: This, too, is pretty much what it sounds like. Don't have a stroke. Did I mention it was hot out? I don't think I had a stroke. Of course, I may be typing a blog that reads like I tried to transcribe the lyrics as sung on an R.E.M. album and just not realize it.

Enough for yard work. Enjoy your weekend. If you play your cards right, maybe you'll get to "bang out a few license plates" (wink, wink – or as the 1981 Loverboy album would say "get lucky").