KEEP BELIEVING

just a general update

2009-11-10T09:38:00.003-06:00

I got nothing. Really, I have been feeling so uninspired to write lately.

I thought I would just give you a general update on our lives.

GAVIN:

Second grade is going okay for him. He isn't showing as much interest in reading as he needs to as this is really the last year they "learn to read." Next year, they "read to learn," so he needs to start picking up the pace on this. Getting the kids to read is a constant challenge. He is right at state requirements, but a little low for the class. Not the bottom, though, so he won't get any extra school help. Math is getting harder as they have started borrowing in subtraction. Gavin isn't great at subtraction - he always has to use the number line or his fingers. Brian's aunt, a dear, sweet, wonderful, lady who also happens to teach first grade, has offered to start coming over on Wednesdays to work with boys boys on school work a bit. I think this is a great idea to give them a fresh look at homework and to give me a break. And they really like ~~Zach's grandma~~ Deb.

Gavin is home sick today with a fever for the third time in about 7 weeks. He seems to get sicker these days than any of us. He still eats terribly, so I swear that his immune system is weakened. Sometimes he scares me because he always looks a bit peaked and gray to me.

Gavin is continuing counseling for a while. When I told him we were wrapping up our sessions because counseling is not supposed to be forever, he freaked out and started carrying stuffed animals around all the time and sleeping with Daddy's things again saying he can't stop because he is still sad. I explained it was okay to be sad and he will FOREVER be sad some, but he was okay. The counselor and I agreed that despite losing our insurance coverage and going to private pay, we will continue until it appears the decision comes more from Gavin. Also, the group where we attend counseling is introducing a support group for 8-12 year-old's who have experienced a significant loss. I think this will be great for Gavin.

GRANT:
First grade for Grant is going about the same as second is for Gavin. He doesn't love to read, but needs to do more of it. I have been very concerned about him academically, but have noticed in the last two weeks, he seems to be making great strides in his printing and some decent strides in his reading. His teacher informed me that is common after the first quarter. In the end, I did not do much academically with the boys all summer, so it is no wonder they would be a bit lost when school started again.

Grant is doing well with his grief. We all had a hard week the week of Brian's birthday. Halloween, the announced end of counseling, Brian's birthday all falling together took every one of us to a bit of a melt down stage. We all three had some crying episodes. And we were all there for each other. We all understand this need for each of us to express this in any way we can at often very random times. Grant is finished with his counseling, but he still sees the school counselor.

Grant is my protector. When he sees me crying, he sniffs, puffs up his chest, comes to me and immediately hugs me gently and firmly. After he does this for a while, he THEN asks me what is wrong. Do you have any idea how WISE and comforting that is?? To not have to explain why you are crying when you sometimes don't KNOW why you are crying anyway and to just have an unconditional loving pair of arms there to hold you and allow you to cry? I tell him he is never more like Jesus than when he is like that. Anyway, he usually waits til I calm down then gets me a tissue or asks if I need some water or writes me a note and brings it to me a few minutes later. He is so incredibly sweet inside that very rough outer surface. I love that boy.

ME:
I have been good. I struggle with creativity and motivation. I don't cook much anymore as I have stated in the past. I have been working out a lot trying to lose some of the 15+ pounds that I gained since 2008 that I had lost in 2006. I am making strides suddenly with that. I often forget to eat. Seriously, some days it is 2:00 and I realize I am starving because I have not eaten since yesterday at 2:00. I am trying to get better at eating at least little bits all day if not full meals.

I am leading a Bible Study now to my group of women from my Mom's group at church. I am very excited and we will have our first discussion on Thursday. Please pray for me. I have never led a Bible Study from beginning to end. It is called Wisdom for Mothers. It concentrates on your relationships in life starting with God, your spouse, your children and your service - IN THAT ORDER. I am super passionate about your relationships being prioritized IN THAT ORDER and especially a mother's relationship with her spouse. It seems we as moms often fall into the trap of putting our spouse on the back burner and focusing on our children.

I have been doing well in my grief. Not sure what the holidays will bring. I may attend a seminar this weekend put on by Hospice about tips on how to handle the holidays. As my wonderful dear wise counselor has stated, this year is my road map. I am figuring out what moments in time are difficult, what events or situations remind me of Brian, and what works for handling it all.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on "what was I doing this time last year." My counselor says this is very normal. I have been a bit flooded with emotions around this time. It was last October that we found out the tumor had been growing despite the second chemo. It was this week last year where I had the worst, then best, then worst, then best week of my life ever.

It was the first week of November last year when we thought Brian was dying. He had excruciating headaches, loss of balance, little blackout spells and confusion. He had pressure in his ventricle and after a whirlwind 3-1/2 day stay in the hospital, he had a shunt installed and walked out of the hospital a new man who lived over 4 more months.

It was during this hospital stay that my mom took the boys to her house for the weekend because Gavin had a fever and we didn't want to risk his getting Brian sick while we were so unsure what was happening in the hospital - making this horrific decision to spend time apart not knowing how much time Brian had left. Brian got home from the hospital on Saturday afternoon. I picked up the boys on Sunday morning. Gavin was still so sick - going on 4 days now with almost no food or water intake. Then, at 2:00 am, I could no longer handle watching him moan and shiver with a 104 fever. I was not waiting for the 8:30 am office to open. I knew he needed more. We went to the ER and he was admitted a few hours later after he kept nothing down and his fever could not easily be controlled.

Little did I know when I left that hospital at 1:00 on Saturday, I would be back 19 hours later for another 3-1/2 day stay WITH MY SON and I would once again have to decide which family members to spend time with. You can't imagine how incredibly painful that is for a mom, a wife and a caregiver. Just thinking about it right now floods me with tears. My counselor says this is so normal. She likens it to a soldier's post traumatic stress disorder. At the time, you are in survival mode just doing exactly what you need to do to get through the day and take care of those that need to be taken care of. Then, you think back on it and can't believe you survived it. It haunts you.

Anyway, other than that, things are going well. Still building my road map. Still figuring out trigger points. Coming to terms with moving on, but with little guilt. Praying for guarding of my heart as I consider dating again. Trying to rekindle friendships and family relationships. Starting some new friendships. Beginning to think about what to get the boys for Christmas and what new traditions we can begin. Contemplating. Analyzing. Playing. Praying. Living.

KEEP BELIEVING

is this how it is supposed to work?

2009-11-06T10:46:00.001-06:00

Dear Brian,

It seems as though people are starting to forget. Ever since September, the phone call, email, random text, letter and card influx inquiring as to how the boys are I are faring has slowly faded to nearly a complete halt. A couple random texts or contacts every other week or so occurs. At first, I was very upset by this. How could people forget you so quickly? How could the fact that your physical presence is no longer with us allow everyone the opportunity to so easily go on with their lives and slowly erase you from their memory?

Lately, though, I have been a bit, actually, a LOT conflicted regarding my own thoughts and you. It seems I am thinking of you less. At first, as is in my nature, I tried to analyze if it was truly less or just differently. I have come to the conclusion that I am actually thinking of you LESS. And I don't even feel that bad about it. Strange?

Sometimes I WANT to think of you more. But lately, it has been occurring to me that continuing to focus on you to the extent that I was focusing on you is living in the past. Brian, you NEVER lived in the past. In fact, when I had a hard time forgiving myself for sins of the past and wallowing in regret, you often would help me snap out of it calling the past exactly what it was - OVER. You did like to playfully and fondly recall past stories as we all do, but you didn't live there.

But calling you my past and calling the past over seems so strange. In the end, though, Brian, you are never coming back to me on this earth. I cannot continue to focus so much of my energy and my emotions into thinking of what WAS. Just as you made it abundantly clear to me that you wanted me to move on with my life someday, I have to start thinking about what MAY BE. And one of the only ways I find to do that is to simply think of you less. The only way I can prepare my heart and mind to open to the possibility of someone else is to simply free some space.

I still think of you and what you would think of this or that decision with the boys.

I still think of you as I try to determine how to let these little boys turn into big kids.

I still think of you when I develop a woeful attitude quickly snapping out of it.

I still think of you when I lie in bed at night.

I still think of you when a certain song comes on the radio.

I still think of you when I look at our bathroom in the basement that you built with only one working arm.

I still think of you a lot, but just not as much.

I think this is how you would want it. I THINK.

KEEP BELIEVING

New Birthday Traditions

2009-11-02T08:35:00.003-06:00

Happy Birthday to you....

Happy Birthday to You....Happy Birthday Dear Brian/Daddy....Happy Birthday to you!!

Today, You would have turned 37, dear Brian. THIRTY-SEVEN. And I would have reminded you 10 times in the last month how old you were because HONESTLY you had a terrible concept of years. You had no idea how old you truly were even when you were healthy.

This morning, the boys blew out candles on a package of cinnamon rolls. Grant got two candles to blow to balance the fact that Gavin found the only remaining green - your favorite color -candle.

Yesterday, we started a new Daddy birthday tradition. Since we can't buy you gifts, we bought ourselves gifts. This is a sampling of what the boys picked out:

Aside from being dreadfully alarmed that this is what Timothy McVeigh's childhood pictures may have looked like, I am pleasantly reminded from friends that boys are boys are boys are boys.

On another note, Mom got jewelry!

Isn't it lovely?

Seriously, though, I couldn't justify buying myself a gift when I have been spending plenty of money on house projects, painting, a few new articles of clothing, etc.

Anyway, Brian, we wish we could celebrate your birthday here with you today. I miss our own little private.... ahem.... birthday parties. The boys just want cake. I wish I just wanted cake.

I would think there are no birthdays in heaven. Not sure about that. From what I understand about heaven, there is no concept of time. How do you measure time in a place of eternity? So, while we know you are blissfully enjoying heaven, we remember you today. We celebrate you today. We miss you today.

And everyday.

KEEP BELIEVING

How Google saved my son's life...

2009-10-30T07:23:00.001-05:00

So, the other day, this guy who claims to be my kids' grandpa suggested he come over and ~~torture me~~ help out with the pumpkin carving this year. I told him I was maybe going to let the pumpkin carving tradition fade away, but agreed this was probably not the right year to do so. He wanted to come help me out because he knows that while THIS is adorable:

This:

Makes me feel all, like this:

While we were starting our clean up process, I noticed this on my beautiful, expensive kitchen table:

And I realized it was THIS:

So then I was all, like THIS:

So, after some attempts at wiping it with various non-abrasive, non-surface-defacing products, and some sharp pointed comments towards the culprit who was soon formerly to be known as Grant, I decided to google: "How do I get sharpie off my wood?" And wouldn't you know there were several hits! I knew, by experience, not to use the Magic Eraser if I wanted to keep my finish, so I found an article that said to use this:

And guess what? It worked. After I buffed out the eraser smears and wiped it with some pledge oil, it is barely noticeable. So, then we were both all, like this:

Thanks Google! The child still known as Grant thanks you, too.

KEEP BELIEVING

take a compliment

2009-10-26T11:59:00.005-05:00

Brian used to say I was terrible at taking a compliment.

When he would delight in something I made for dinner, I would discount it by pointing out how THIS wasn't quite done or I couldn't find THAT ingredient or simply shrug it off as being OKAY.

When he would tell me I was beautiful, which was JUST often enough to be believable, I would dismiss his words of praise by commenting about the spot on my sweater or my smudged make-up or how my hair just didn't cooperate that day or how my pants were too tight or how I had a pimple on my hairline or how I needed to brush my teeth, OR... OR... OR...

And sometimes he would jokingly and sarcastically say, "EW. I didn't notice that. Now that I know that, I take it back. Yuck."

And sometimes he would say, "You are no fun to compliment because you discredit everything I say."

So, over the last two years, I learned to just say, "Thank you. Now kiss me and prove you mean it." MOST of the time, that is. I still discounted the compliments some.

The funny thing is that today I MISS THOSE COMPLIMENTS. I miss being told I am a good cook. I miss being told the house looks nice. I miss being told I am smart and capable. I miss being told I look sexy or even NICE. I miss being told I am beautiful. I cannot begin to tell you how much I crave hearing those words today. When I get even an unsolicited, I LOVE YOU from my boys, it takes me through the day and into next week. Rarely hearing a compliment anymore is one of the most difficult aspects of losing my beloved.

Because when you stop hearing those things, you stop believing those things. I never realized how much Brian was validating me with his words of encouragement and love.

KEEP BELIEVING

Going Down the Road Feelin' Bad....

2009-10-22T13:30:00.003-05:00

Look for me.

Or listen for me.

I will be the one driving 72 mph in a Honda Odyssey down I-55, IL Rt 4, I-64, I-57 and I-24 from Peoria to Paducah today belting out showtunes. My kids will blissfully ignore with their wireless headphones and overhead DVD player.

You see, I defaced Brian's beloved IPOD. Brian is Led Zeppelin, Grateful Dead and the Doors.

I am Evita, Phantom of the Opera, Jesus Christ Superstar, Madonna and Prince.

And while Brian gave me an appreciation for Classic Rock and I do love it, NOW I CONTROL THE IPOD. I deleted Metallica (less Enter Sandman) and all other Metal. I added Britney, Avril, Evita and Phantom.

But, I did not TOUCH the beloved and now sacred BOZO'S MIX playlist. NEVER!!!

One road song Brian and I ALWAYS agreed upon which requires at least a 20% volume increase while screaming along with an occasional air guitar and a drumming on the dash is this one:

And guess what else? I left Led Zeppelin, Grateful Dead, and the Doors.

So, between my renewed, heavily discounted XM, a reloaded IPOD and some Podcasts from our church, I am hoping this drive actually goes quickly. We will see.

Oh and by the way, in keeping with this theme, see that big green blob covering the entire middle section of our country. That is our route. Awesome.

What about you? What makes your road trip time pass faster? Especially the road trips where between here and there the only scenic pleasure is a corn field. Times 3,584.

KEEP BELIEVING

Guess who...

2009-10-21T13:52:00.001-05:00

Remember how I mentioned recently how things seem to go in my life....

Well, guess who has a first grader who's class was doing a math/science project with pumpkins?

Guess who didn't sign up to help?

Guess who developed a conscience about not signing up to help and last minute asked the teacher today if she still needed help?

Guess who was needed (badly)?

Guess who got to school to find only two other moms helping - both with twins and trying to bounce from classroom to classroom with other first graders?

Guess who helped 6 first graders carve a pumpkin so they could explore the inside, count seeds and decide on a face?

Guess who's group discovered their pumpkin was ROTTEN in the middle?

Guess what a rotten pumpkin looks, feels and SMELLS like in the middle?

Guess who gagged for the first 5 minutes after opening and still scooping seeds out of a slimy partially rotten pumpkin?

Guess who's first graders all last interest in helping with a slimy, smelly, partially rotten pumpkin?

Guess who didn't breathe out of her nose for the next 30 minutes?

Guess who washed her hands no less than 15 times in the next 30 minutes and still will never get that smell out of her now etched nostrils?

Guess who hates carving pumpkins even at home?

Guess who loved it and began this tradition with his kids years ago?

Guess who is able to take Texan Mama's advice and laugh about this situation even as it was happening?

Guess who would be so proud of the mom who hates carving pumpkins, who is getting burned out on volunteering at school and who did it anyway with a giggle in her memory box about the entire situation?

Guess who rejoiced upon completing this project (for the second straight year since she also had a first grader last year) knowing she has no more first graders?

Guess who found out that third graders also carve pumpkins?

Guess who will have a third grader next year?

Guess who will have a third grader the year after that?

Any guesses?

KEEP BELIEVING

two steps forward, one step back...

2009-10-19T10:31:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you have noticed or not, but to me when I read over the last 7 months of posts, I notice a slight trend in the overall mood of this blog. As I read, I notice that the first several weeks after Brian's death were full of, "I don't feel like doing this" mentality. My mentality is changing a bit to not wanting this for anyone else, to understanding that it does get easier, to simply forcing some mood changes at home.

The forced smiles are working. Strange therapy, I realize, but honestly, I have heard enough sermons on the topic and been in enough Bible studies to know that there is JOY to be claimed even when your heart is hurting and your whole body doesn't feel like rejoicing. JOY is still abundant. And Christ wants JOY in our lives. You can still have joy even if you have a bad marriage. You can still have JOY even if you are fighting illness. You can still have JOY even if you are oppressed and mistreated. You can still have JOY when you have been told you are dying. And you can still have JOY when what you thought was your future left this world without you 7 months ago.

(one step forward)

In the past 6-8 weeks, since around the second week of September, my mindset has been shifting a bit. I have started focusing more on what lies ahead instead of what just happened. I find my thoughts looking more towards my potential future rather than mourning the future I had planned - one that included Brian.

(one step forward)

The kids and I are in a better routine. The schoolwork is probably the biggest challenge. Honestly, they both struggle a bit - especially Grant right now. That is very difficult for me because I lack patience in this arena. I am praying for patience and gentleness in this aspect of my life so I can be a better teacher and mom to the boys since this will be a huge part of their lives for years to come. Honestly, I get Grant so frustrated with my lack of patience, that he sometimes claims he wants to go back to Kindergarten. My problem is that I never really struggled in school. I didn't have to work hard for many years and when I did, if I just applied and practiced and did some homework problems, I pretty much "got it." (except Dynamics [shudder]). So, I don't "get" "not getting it." Clear as mud? That's what I thought. I've had a couple friends offer to work with Grant independently, so pending the outcome of his conference on Thursday, I may hold them to that offer.

(one step back)

Still, other than the homework, the boys and I are finding our groove. I have implemented a 'no screens' rule (video games, computer, TV) on Mondays-Thursdays. There is no Spongebob to compete with teeth-brushing time in the mornings. They come home and do homework immediately with no ICarly tempting them in the background. And they PLAY with TOYS in the evenings. Well, sort of. They usually set them all up in some sort of never-ending war of the worlds they have created in the basement. A war that makes it very difficult to get from point A to point B. Point A being the bottom of the stairs and Point B being ANYWHERE IN THE REST OF THE BASEMENT due to their elaborate traps, battle zones, MASH tents, headquarters, etc. I do love watching their imaginations at work, but I do LOATHE the resulting mess.

(one step forward)

The boys are almost finished with their counseling sessions. The counselor thinks we have done a great job in processing their grief, which is obviously ongoing, and are equipped to continue. I, strangely, was more worried about Grant who seemed to suppress his emotions a bit in the last several months - since mid-summer. The counselor suggested that he did not see anything alarming in Grant, rather that perhaps Grant was farther along in his grief process. Last week, during Grant's session, he finally spoke of Daddy. He claimed, as he does to me all the time, that he does not miss Dad. This initially broke my heart when he made this proclamation to me this summer. Still, he told the counselor again he did not miss Dad. And upon further discussion (through a game) he told the counselor that his Daddy wasn't hurting anymore. It must have been very difficult for Grant to come home from Kindergarten every day at lunch time last year and watch his Daddy - his male role model, his protector, his human superman - slowly deteriorate. Kids in essence want their parents strong and happy. Anyway, Grant was able to process what was happening to Brian as he witnessed it first-hand with me last Fall and Winter. And he has come to terms with it as being okay for him and okay for Brian. In the end, that is the place we all need to be.

(one step forward)

I do miss Brian immensely right now. I miss the laughter he brought to my life with his sarcastic, dry, witty comments. He was great at a quick one-liner. And he thought I was funny. To get a laugh these days, I have to do things like this: While Gavin was practicing typing his spelling words last week (another medium we try to use to change up the mundane task of printing the same 15 words 4 days a week), I took MY turn. I printed the words: "Gavin is a poopy head." Which had Grant in stitches. Then I typed: "Grant is a fart-face." Which had Gavin in stitches and opened a can of worms I wish had stayed sealed shut with what they continued to type the rest of the evening. Still, that is the level to which I have to resort to get a laugh.

(neither forward nor back, or is that just back??)

Also, I miss having a driver. I have been to my parents' (4 hours one way) twice since the last weekend of September. This past weekend we went to Indiana to see McKenna get baptized. (4 hours one way) This weekend, we are going to Paducah, KY to see Kevin, Heather and the kids in their new house (at least 5 hours one way). In two weeks, I am going to St. Louis (3 hours one way). All that driving and being the only driver gets really old. I long to be a passenger again - reading, taking care of snacks and movies for the kids, channel surfing or manning the IPOD, telling Brian he is driving too slow, complaining about the route Brian chose, you know, all that kind of passenger stuff...

(one step back)

Also, I miss Brian's touch. Oh my LORD, how I miss being touched by him. I miss simply holding his hand. I miss his warmth next to me at night and intertwining our feet while we slept. I miss resting my head in his lap on the couch while he played with my hair. I miss snuggling in the crook of his arm. And yes, I mean I miss his touch in every other way your mind is taking you right now. Holy Cow, if someone could just tell me how to shut this off, I would really appreciate it. Honestly, I PRAY for these desires to flee me. And I can't believe I am sharing this with you, but I was NOT prepared for this part.

(one step back)

I have done a lot of road time as I outlined above and I am soon to do even more road time. One of the things this ROAD TIME allows is opportunity to think. WAY TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK. Since the kids pretty much watch movies the entire way, my mind just marches all over the world and back again. I think about Brian and how I miss him. But, mostly, when I think of Brian now, I smile. My memories of Brian are good ones now. I am not so consumed with the week of his death as I was. I am not so much caught up in my guilt of how I stopped believing in his healing. I think about the man he was. I think about how inspiring he was. I think about the silly things he said and did. When I think of him, I smile more than cry. From what I research, that is a pretty big step in grieving.

(one step forward)

I, also, think about the future. As I stated before, when I think about the future I now think about a different future instead of pitying myself for the future that won't be. I think about where I want to live. I still don't know. Part of me wants to go back to St. Louis to be closer to my family. I have not lived in the same state or within 4 hours of my family since 1995. I would love to experience that. But, I know it is not so easy to just pick up and go somewhere I haven't lived in 15 years. And, to do that, would be to take on an identify in my world of 'single mom of two boys.' It would no longer be - 'Angie, widow of Brian.' I am not ready to take on my identity without Brian, yet.

(neither forward nor back)

Also, when I think about the future, I think about the boys and me. I really don't want to be alone. Right now, I MAY be saying that more from the loneliness I feel every day and from the human desires I spoke of a few paragraphs above. (is anyone still reading this far along anyway?). Still, when I think of myself in the future, I don't see myself alone. I think when you experience a love like Brian and I had - a mutual, respectful, nurturing, physical, encouraging, spiritual, Christ-centered LOVE - you can't help but want part of that again. It is not a desire to replace that love. It is not a desire to redirect loneliness. It is simply a desire to love again.

In the right time...

When my confusion is less and my priorities are better in line with Christ-like thinking...

If God wills it....

TMI???

I also think about what Brian would want for me and the boys. I credit Brian solely on my ability to begin a new outlook on the future for two reason. First of all, we were blessed in that we were able to have these conversations for years due to our circumstances. I know he wanted a new future for me and the boys. He spoke of it even while believing in his own potential future. And in knowing that, the guilt of thinking about it is subdued. Also, Brian rarely looked out on his life and lamented the "could have beens." Rather, he concentrated on the "here and nows" to get to where he wanted to be. He did not allow the fog and cycle of self-pity to enter his daily regimen of a good attitude and a positive outlook. I have no doubt if this situation were reversed, and it was I who had passed on to heaven, he would rejoice for where I was and would pick up the shattered pieces of his broken heart excited about the next adventure in his life. If I were in heaven, isn't that what I would want for him and my boys on earth until they joined me?

(one step forward)

Thanks for listening.

And now for something completely different....

That was for you, Babe. You LOVED it. Hopefully, Sean and John will appreciate it today and see a bit of you in it.

And even more different...

A few pictures because I haven't posted one in a long time...

Grant taking a pic of me doing a cartwheel. That's my game face. If only I could get my abs to be as cut as my calves. I'm working on it.

P.S. Yes, I am geeky enough to make sure I had a 2 to 1 ratio of forwards to backs. I may not keep a very clean house, but when the math doesn't add up, I have a sleepless night.

P.P.S. I would have chosen a different picture of myself, but since the camera went swimming in the lake in July, I have taken only a handful of photos and this is the most recent of me. AND, I wanted you to see that I still do cartwheels despite being 37 AND despite my grief. Sometimes there is no better therapy than a curse word or a cartwheel.

KEEP BELIEVING

I am smiling as I write this

2009-10-17T00:05:00.001-05:00

I am smiling as I write this.

WHY?

For no reason in particular.
No big revelation.
No news.
Nothing, really.

I am smiling as I write this because I am trying to train myself to smile more in my everyday life.

You see, I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately - a lot of "what was I doing this time last year?" And this time last year, we had this news. I spent two hours the other night reading all my posts from October through January - reading the rollercoaster we called LIFE in those three months. Holy SHIT! By the way, I am trying, VERY UNSUCCESSFULLY, not to curse as much, but I figure I have pretty good control over at least not writing it out. Still, HOLY SHIT is all I can think worthy to write when I read the posts from last October til the time Brian died. I didn't even have the emotional stamina to keep reading past the news in January that we faced.

Still, while reading all of those posts - while quietly reflecting lately on what life was like a year ago and 7 months ago today when Brian passed -I couldn't help but notice a pretty familiar theme.

Despite the chemos, the ups and downs, the ever changing symptoms, the heartache, the insurance woes, the waste-of-time doctor visits, the sick kids in the midst of it all - despite ALL of that - I was able to instill some humor in my posts. And it wasn't forced. Forced humor is obvious. It was real. I was actually pretty funny sometimes.

While I know that JOY and HAPPINESS are not one in the same, we had JOY that led to happiness even during that traumatic time. Brian had a way of keeping the air light and enjoyable even while his body slowly faded. And it wasn't forced. Forced joy is obvious. He had true JOY in his heart that exuded from him and was absolutely contagious.

So, I write this with a smile on my face today because for now, I am going to force the smiles at home - a place where the smiles have been few lately. I figure if I write with a smile, then maybe something funny will come out again - maybe I will look back on this post one day and see some happiness in the midst of it all. I figure if I start forcing the smiles now, the joy and the happiness will have to follow suit.

For right now, though, my cheeks just hurt.

KEEP BELIEVING

how things seem to go in my life

2009-10-14T20:59:00.001-05:00

I cannot tell you how often the most simple mundane events in my house evolve into complete disasters.

The kids were sick Monday evening causing them BOTH to miss Cub Scouts causing me to somehow find the time to make up BOTH events so they can earn the right to advance to the next level before the end of the year. Actually, they can still advance, but without the badge, and let's face it, they are in it for the bling.

I had to keep them home from school on Tuesday causing me to cancel the very first Bible Study that I am going to be leading.

Last night, I got my hair done, so grandma babysat for the kids. They did not do their reading and Gavin did not wear his protective garments to bed. Naturally, he wet the bed after batting over .500 for staying dry lately. Of course, I forgot all about the sheets until he reminded me around 30 minutes til bedtime tonight - delaying bedtime.

Today, I was not feeling well. Naturally, the kids had two days of sick energy built up causing them to be loud, obnoxious, rambunctious and half insane causing my headache to reach near splitting levels. And they missed the bus this morning because they were moving at record slow speeds.

This evening, Grant had a coughing spell that led to a gagging fit causing him to vomit a bit and spiral into a complete melt down freaking the heck out. And add to my laundry load. At bed time.

And then after bedtime, listening to Grant continue to cough, I decided to give him some cough medicine. He always requests a drink after ingesting said medicine, so I had him come to the bathroom to drink out of the faucet to save myself a trip to the main level to grab a cup. As I was giving him the cough syrup, he didn't drink it fast enough and it spilled all over his chest and left a splatter pattern on the carpet resembling a gory murder scene. So, I had a complete and total temper tantrum in front of my kids screaming and carrying on about how NOT ONE $&^% THING CAN GO SMOOTHLY AROUND HERE EVEN STUPID *&%$ SIMPLE THINGS. And I threw the towel I was using to clean up and stomped my feet a few times and then calmed down. Only to do it ALL OVER AGAIN when I realized that getting the cough syrup out of the carpet was a more daunting task than removing the paint I spilled on the carpet last week. So now I have an ammonia soaked towel that needs to be washed because I cannot stand the smell of it. Adding to my laundry load. At Bed Time. All of which could have been avoided if I had just gone downstairs for a cup of water to give after the medicine.

And I had to redo bedtime because I had to ask for forgiveness from the kids for the array of 4-letter words I emitted into the already ammonia polluted air in our house. All the while not feeling well.

Honestly, this is how my every day life goes all the time. I couldn't possibly make this up.

Like the time that Gavin came into my room in the middle of the night late this summer, and I had JUST read in my parenting book when your kids come into your room in the middle of the night over 75% of the time, it is due to a bathroom need. Instead of urging him to use the bathroom, I rolled over and invited him in. He fitfully slept the remainder of the night which meant I BARELY slept the remainder of the night. The next morning, he and my sheets were wet. Of course, we had someplace to be that morning, so I had to rush his shower and my shower. I had to wash my sheets and my mattress pad that I had just washed two days prior on the day that I had already separated a very neglected laundry hamper into 7 loads. My mattress pad is too big for my dryer, so I draped it over the deck to dry. When I retrieved it from the deck, it snagged on the railing. I had to spend 30 minutes pulling splinters out of my mattress pad that I had bought about 1 month prior.

It is in times like those that I struggle to find JOY.

And Grant is still coughing.

KEEP BELIEVING

It gets easier. I guess.

2009-10-13T15:19:00.004-05:00

This thing called grief - it gets easier. I guess. I guess the fact that I have successfully gone through every article of Brian's clothing and distributed it to friends or family, kept it for the boys, designated it as an item for the memory quilt, boxed it up for goodwill or simply called it a shoprag means that the pain is easing a bit. I guess, anyway. It is difficult to tell. I guess the fact that I have a pretty "normal" routine with the boys every day is a good sign that our transition to our new circumstances continues to go smoothly.

With the easing of the pain to get through day to day activities comes a strange sensation of not WANTING it to get any easier. I want to feel the absence of Brian. To not feel the absence or to become comfortable with it further evidents the reality of the situation. The surreal nature of life without Brian is wearing off. I'm not entirely okay with that. I think those that were closest with Brian are not entirely okay with that, either.

This thing called grief - it is confusing. It is contradictory. It is illogical. It is necessary, but it is confusing.

But it gets easier. I guess.

I am beginning to hate the word grief as much as I hated the word tumor. It is too vague. It sounds as though it should be more easily described or defined, yet I can't even begin to describe to people in words, actions or emotions what I am experiencing. What I feel, how I react, where my mind takes me - all surprise me one day to the next.

Grief. It is a word that we think encompasses a process or formula, but it is insufficient.

Grief.

Yup, I hate that word.

Even so, it is getting easier.

KEEP BELIEVING

Our special tonight is....

2009-10-07T13:18:00.001-05:00

I love to cook. I really do. And I must say, I'm pretty darn good at it, too. I have developed a pretty good sense over the last 5 or so years for adding the right ingredients to shake up an old favorite, or pairing the right side with a new entree.

Brian was a true pleasure to cook for. He almost always enthusiastically tried my new creations. He was a great and gracious guinea pig. We agreed on most food selections (Except meatloaf. I hate meatloaf and I made it ONCE during our entire marriage. He LOVED meatloaf.). We enjoyed our meals together at home or out.

Since Brian died, and I am left with the world's pickiest eater and the world's heaviest snacker, I don't cook much anymore. It isn't worth the effort, mess and time to listen to someone incessantly complain about every bite, rendering mealtime less enjoyable than gnawing off my own arm.

Still, there was a time in my life just a few months ago, when I could whip up this Sweet and Sour Salmon and this Orange Sesame Shrimp without a recipe after a full day of ~~blogging and googling random crap to prove my incredible intelligence~~ housework and homework assistance. More impressive was that I always had those ingredients on hand, and limes had a purpose in my fridge for adding that little extra touch to something OTHER than my Corona.

Today, my fridge is stocked with plenty of Ranch dressing to enhance the CHICKEN NUGGETS my kids eat on a weekly basis instead of my salad that I NEVER MAKE anymore. Prepackaged cheese sticks have taken the place of fresh bricks of cheese. Danimals have overthrown the homemade dips and sauces. And leftovers in my fridge come from our Chili's, NOT my stove.

I think I sunk to a new low during my last grocery store visit, when my grocery cart looked more like that of the sad, lonely senior citizen than that of a young(ish) mother of two. It was filled with items like these:

And they actually tasted GOOD compared to the crap I have been eating.

KEEP BELIEVING

Don't join the club...

2009-10-03T19:01:00.005-05:00

Honestly, there are many days when I resent you. Yes, you random reader, who have no idea how lucky you have it. Last year when the first graders would bring home their journals from school and your kids would have random writings about unicorns and princesses and fairies and spaceships and dogs, MY first grader was bringing home a journal that said things like this:
------------------------------------

One day, I went to the chrch and I sol my Dad. My Mom was crying. Then some people brot my Dad to the plas wher a caskit gets dug in the grawnd. Then I strted to cry to.

One day my Dad dide wan I was at my ants hous. Then when I got home I do not no what I did whin I got home.

One day my mom wos crying about my Dad. Then after my mom stopt crying we fixt ouwr tramprlen. Then my mom strted to cry agen. Then I sed wat is the mater mom. (in response to this day)

One day I sol my Dad in a cascit. And I felt his head And it was cold. And I sol a pichr of my Dad. And I love him. And I want him bak for evre.

And he drew THIS picture.

----------------------------
I bet most of your kids don't even know what a casket is or what it looks like. Regardless, I bet your kids are drawing pictures of their dads playing catch or reading books or mowing the lawn or playing golf. No, MY first grader? MINE? He was drawing a picture of his dad in a casket.

And if you were reading last month, you already know what MY kids were doing on an after-school afternoon while yours were eating snacks and doing homework.

So, I sometimes resent you and your normal life. Sometimes I think I just want to be surrounded by others who are like me.

And you know what MY kids did this Autumn Saturday while your kids were playing football, were at the movies or were playing video games? My kids were at camp. Camp Courageous, that is. A camp put on by one of our local hospice agencies for kids who have experienced a significant loss in their lives. And I resent you and your normal Saturday activities while my kids were at a camp for which the entire premise is A CHILD'S TRAGEDY.

I can only hope that my children took comfort in realizing they are not the only children living without a parent. I can only pray that they felt good knowing that their "normal" is the same "normal" many other kids get. Cuz, me? I didn't feel any better about it. I didn't feel any better looking around the room knowing these kids have the same crap to deal with as mine. In fact, the slightly glued together pieces of my broken heart fell apart all over today as I watched two six-year-old girls hold tattered teddies in one hand and grab each others wrists with the other hand delighting that "HER DADDY IS A GUARDIAN ANGEL TOO. WE ARE SO LUCKY!" I can only pray that made Grant feel a bit better to have those girls in his group. Because it didn't make me feel one ounce better.

It made me feel worse.

Then, I went to support a friend in a SHARE WALK she organizes - an event to remember babies lost in miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. Babies who never had a chance to live life let alone experience a loss. I was surrounded by people grieving the loss of a life that was barely, if at all, lived.

When I went to pick up the kids, I found myself sharing "end-of-life, cancer, where do we go from here" stories with a sad, slightly anxious single dad who is left to raise a 6 year old daughter.

As I was resenting you, and wishing I could surround myself with others like me, I looked around the room at 70 kids and many more adults picking them up. I realized, I WAS surrounded by others like me. Others who also don't WANT their kids to be a part of this camp. Other single moms and dads left behind in the wake of tragedy and illness. Other kids just like mine living without moms and dads or aunts, uncles, grandmas and grandpas who were doing the parenting anyway. On the street, I would not have recognized that I was surrounded by those like me. It was only through Camp Courageous and the Sharewalk that I saw our common bonds called grief, loss, anxiety, loneliness, despair, sorrow and fear.

I also realized that as I resent you and your "normal" life and as I wish I could surround myself with others like me, I REALLY DON'T WANT to surround myself with others like me. I WANT you to have your "normal." I don't want others to be in my club. I don't want other kids in my kids' club. That doesn't help anything.

I will stop resenting you because the last thing I want is for you to walk in these shoes.

KEEP BELIEVING

disrespectin' ya

2009-09-30T18:47:00.004-05:00

Dear Brian,

I have gradually been working my way through some of your personal belongings. I have divvied your coveted Grateful Dead tie-dye amongst your brothers. I have saved some of your caps for the boys, yet passed on a few others to your family and friends. I have gone through your sweatshirts and business shirts and tee shirts trying to find good homes for those worthy of keeping. I have boxed up others in preparation for a trip to good will some day. Yet still many things remain. The boys find treasures every so often that they play with or sort through or simply oooohh and aaaaahhh over. Your shoes found a home this weekend with Uncle Paul - one of the few size 9ers in the family. Plus, he is equally as bow-legged as you, so I joke that they are already properly worn in for him.

I am trying really hard to find suitable homes for your tangible belongings while honoring your memory with their distribution. I enjoy thinking of someone to pass a certain item to. I enjoy the reaction of the recipient.

Also, I enjoy finding new purposes for the space. Your walk in closet has become home to the pack n play thus providing the new little baby girls in our family a private room. Your wardrobe has become part linen closet. Each time I replace one of your storage spaces with a new item, I think of it as practicality and sometimes I even think it would make you smile.

However, today, I disrespected you in this sense. After hospice disposed of your medicines and I disposed of expired vitamins, supplements and other over-the-counter products that served no purpose and held no nostalgic value, I found a new purpose for your toiletries drawer.

Forgive me.

KEEP BELIEVING

eight...

2009-09-20T14:12:00.008-05:00

ONE... TWO....

THREE....

FOUR.....

FIVE.....

SIX...

SEVEN...

EIGHT.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GAVIN.

I love you,

Mom

set in stone

2009-09-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Brian,

A few weeks ago, I was having an especially hard day. So many things reminded me of you and your absence was nearly unbearable. I won't recap the day because it is in the past. One thing that I did do that day, as I was aching for you, was to stop at the cemetery to see your grave.

I had ordered your headstone in June when I finally felt up to doing it. In July, I received a printed copy of what the stone was expected to look like. I had not received anything stating that the stone had arrived or was in. That day I went to visit your grave, it was in. Judging from the amount of grass seedlings that had sprouted around it at the time, I would venture to say it hadn't been in for much more than a week.

I am not a huge cemetery person. I don't visit my grandparents' graves or my aunts' and cousin's graves. Yet, there is something soothing about having a quiet place to go and remember you. A place to see your name.

At least it is now.

I had no idea how much seeing your name in stone would impact me. I spiraled that entire day and for much of that week. I was at wit's end with the kids. I cried all the time. Everything was hurting my feelings. I felt excluded and lonely and awkward in just about every social situation, including familiar settings. You are missing and as much as I thought I was doing okay, seeing that stone knocked the wind out of me for a while.

I was lamenting to the kids' counselor that week about the issues I was having with the kids and how I felt so inadequate to handle them as I was so sad myself. I was just constantly weepy. I explained about this issue and that issue and this concern and that concern and then seeing the tombstone the other day... At which point in time he interrupted me and said, " Did you just say you saw the tombstone for the first time a few days ago?" Yes. "Well, you need to understand that is a whole new step of the grieving process. It opens old wounds. It can cause fresh ones. It is a very significant event seeing your loved one's name staring back at you from the ground."

THAT gave me freedom to regress. From that moment on, I felt normal again for feeling the way I did. I realized that reliving those last few days of your life in my head was not some sort of sado-masochist self-torture, but rather an opening of some old wounds. I began to heal again.

Last week, the perpetual candle and flower stand was placed at your site, too. Ed and Jan had visited and told me it was ready to be lit and asked how I wanted to handle it. I decided to take the boys, add some flowers to what your parents had placed and have one of them light the candle.

We went last Wednesday. I didn't know how they would handle it. I didn't know if it would stir in them the same emotions it did for me. So, I approaced it with gentleness, caution and preparedness.

So prepared, that I forgot the lighter. We had to walk over to the office, borrow a lighter and return it when were finished. Just another example of how NOTHING in my life seems to go smoothly.

The boys did great. Gavin lit the candle much to Grant's chagrin. Sometimes, I have to just let Gavin be the older one. Grant compensated by taking random pictures with the camera. Instead of pitying ourselves realizing this is how MY 6 and 7 year old spent a mild September after-school afternoon, I am beginning to embrace that this is a part of our lives now. I can only pray that events like these will give our boys a greater appreciation for life thus developing within them a strong character.

Grant took these two shots:

your sitejust a few yards away is this statue

The kids seemed fine, but because I knew how this could affect them, after we prayed for protection and guidance from Christ, after we prayed for peace and happiness to fill our lives since we all have holes in our hearts for Daddy, I gave them both one of these:

your favorite WHITE CHOCOLATE Toblerone. Gotta be white.

I wanted them to have a fond ending memory of this experience and something to take home that reminded them of you. Something fun. Something to make them smile. Something that I can only find at one place in all of Peoria.

I love and miss you, Brian.

KEEP BELIEVING

desktop prisoner

2009-09-13T08:00:00.006-05:00

Dear Brian,

When you were alive, I found more time and energy and creativity to update this blog. Strange how that worked. When you were alive, the pace was slow, laid-back, relaxed. Life was about spending time with you - enjoying your presence, squeezing out every last bit of BRIAN enjoyment we could muster. Now things have changed. School has started. The boys are in some activities. Soccer starts this week. Homework dominates every weekday afternoon. While all these events were occurring last year, something still felt simpler and slower about life in general. Maybe it was simply the presence of YOU.

There was something about being on this computer (now 5 years old), that was an escape for me. We do not own a laptop, so when I would blog or come do my research or keep our home finances up to date on this desktop, it was an excuse for me to get away from the pain of watching you die. It was also a chance for me to give you one-on-one time with others. It was also, all too often, a distraction keeping me from spending time with you. We spoke often of getting a laptop. We thought maybe I could still do all my screen-time hobbies, yet go downstairs and watch some DVR'd CSI or 30 Rock with you. I am so thankful that God did not have us buy that laptop. If I would have had a laptop, I would have been constantly distracted when I was in your presence. As you know, it doesn't take a lot for that to happen anyway. When I was with you, this computer was in another room, so it was just YOU AND I or just OUR FAMILY time when we were together. Little distraction. For that, I am grateful.

But, the mood is changing. The evenings can be lonely once the kids are in bed. And I find myself not enjoying spending time in this room chained to this desktop to continue the same activities that so recently brought me enjoyment. So, this weekend, we are having a garage sale. Whatever proceeds I earn from this endeavor will officially go towards a laptop. It is time. Yet, even this small step feels like I am dishonoring you for some reason.

On the bright side, the boys will be so happy that they get some computer time. Mommy is not a very good sharer.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

The question I know you all want to ask….

2009-08-30T17:09:00.007-05:00

What are Angie and boys going to do now?

I know you want to know. Wanna know HOW I know you want to know? Cuz many people, even barely acquaintances actually have enough gumption to ask me. Others just casually feel me out with indirect questions. Others that know me well expect I just may growl at you if you ask me that.

And I know included in the "What are Angie and the boys gonna do now” question are things like – Employment for Angie – when and how much? Location? House? Can they afford their lifestyle? Benefits? Etc.

And here’s the answer. I DO NOT KNOW.

And it sucks getting asked because I feel like I should know. It isn’t as if Brian’s death was a huge surprise. It isn’t as if I am not logical and intelligent and can’t figure things out.

In fact, I think sometimes my predisposition to over-analyze and logically think through EVERY SINGLE DECISION IN MY LIFE, including what color to paint a bathroom that can easily be repainted, is what is preventing me from knowing exactly what to do from here.

First thing first, though, is that I am exactly identifying my financial status. Since Brian’s death, we have received AMAZING generosity from friends and family. In March, we took a voluntary separation package from Caterpillar that has allowed me to have this time to think things through and figure things out. That being said, Brian and I have always lived within our means, practically and frugally on a budget that had us giving our tithe to church/charity, saving for our future and college and splurging on a few unnecessaries. So, we have no debt except our mortgage putting the boys and me in a better position. I have no doubt that it is our obedience to God’s biblical financial rules yielding this reward today.

However, we cannot go on forever like this. It is just a matter of figuring out exactly how much investment income we can generate in addition to our social security survivor benefits. There will be a shortfall with those two combined, and that will determine when and how much I will have to work. When the boys turn 18, the social security survivor benefit will expire completely and I, then, will have to solely support myself on my income.

There are several factors with determining employment for myself. First of all, I do not feel that I would be a good employee at this exact moment in time during this season in my life. I am easily distracted, have a lack of attention span and cry at the oddest times. So, I want to take a bit more time and give myself time to grieve and come to terms with whatever the heck our new normal is. Once I determine how much of my life is spent doing things for the kids that cannot easily be delegated or requested of friends like homework and quality time and the support they need from immediate family, I can better determine how much I am WILLING to work. However, if finances dictate that the amount I NEED to work exceeds the amount I am WILLING to work, the NEED will outweigh the latter and we will figure out the rest. I do not think we will be forced into that situation, though, barring another market crash.

Additionally, in order to give my boys stability and support, my goal is to work enough for this first couple of years to basically just get by without saving much for MY future. I will always save for college. It was one of my and Brian’s biggest goals to give to our children what our parents gave to us, and that is a college graduation that is debt free. I feel I would be dishonoring Brian to not strive for that. However, once again, if our finances did not allow for it without a huge compromise to our lifestyle and our emotional well-being, I know it would be MORE dishonoring to Brian to compromise OURSELVES for a debt-free college graduation.

There are many factors to consider when contemplating my future employment, not the least of which is the obvious – WHAT would it be. Should I do something related to my experience in accounting, business management and finance? Should I take a less demanding job because we don’t need the money at the risk of getting farther away from my experience and a well-paying job when I DO need to go back to work with a higher paying job when the boys finish high school? Do I just start all over now that I am older and wiser? I just don’t know. I trust that God will provide answers through the right opportunities.

When considering employment, I realize that full-time work would take me away from my boys a considerable amount in a time when they need a lot of direct involvement. They aren’t really capable of doing self-directed, independent homework and won’t be for a few more years. Their homework is family homework and they both need me now to help with this. They want to be involved in a few extra-curricular activities and to add single-parenthood, full-time employment on top of basic school would almost wipe this away. I just don't know how I would swing it all for them and for myself BY MYSELF. I also realize part-time work that meets our financial needs may not be possible. I am not naïve.

Other factors to consider are when and WHERE?

Obviously, the most glaring question many people have is WHERE IS ANGIE GOING TO LIVE WITH THE BOYS? The answer once again, is I DON’T KNOW. For now, we are staying put. I have no intention of going anywhere this school year unless we felt remarkably led by God to do so. I want to give the boys and myself time to figure out life here without Brian. Figure out things like where do I want my boys to call home? Right now they know little other than Central Illinois as home. Figure out things like where can we afford? Figure out things like where do we have the best support system? And that changes daily. It changes as our support system of family and friends have their own changing commitments and lifestyles. Sometimes Grandma and Grandpa are around for a ton of help and sometimes they want to travel. And we want them to. They need to. We don’t want anyone to feel like they are tied here solely because of us. And sometimes friends can help with rides and time with the kids, but then it changes when their own sports, work and extra activities take their time. And that is to be expected because once again, we don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t do their own thing because of us. HOWEVER, if full-time employment is what was necessary for us, I would have to go where I had the best support system and I felt the most comfortable knowing that my kids would be in the care of family and friends A LOT. I, honestly, do not know where that is right now. I am taking this year to figure this all out.

It is no secret that I have no family in Illinois at all. My closest family members are 3 hours away and those are extended family members. CLOSE-KNIT extended family members, but my immediate family is 4 hours away. However, Brian’s family is within a few miles of us, and he has many extended family members also within a few miles of us. But, will this relationship change as things unfold in our lives? I like to think it wouldn’t, but I have witnessed too many examples being on the biological side of a relative's death to know this may be naïve thinking. I know it will take a lot of effort on both our sides to ensure a healthy relationship that allows both sides the graces they need to grieve, live and cope.

Additionally, moving right now to a comfortable support zone of MY family would force me to solely rely on family and very old friends in a place where I have never lived on my own. It would be in a town like St. Louis where I have not lived since I graduated from college, let alone as a parent. Or, if I opted to be closer to my sister and mom, it would put me in a small town environment that I have never been a part of, losing all of the individuality of the friends and connections I have made in Illinois. I would partially be starting all over, all the while determining WHERE to live, WHAT works best for us, not knowing how much support I truly need and IF we can do it here. And you know what? I have great friends here. The best and closest friends I have ever had in my life. I feel connected to them and I feel connected at my church. Starting all that over right now is not overly appealing.

And, to top all this off, I know that the support I need today will differ from the support I need in a few years. The boys’ activities will get more demanding later, but rides MAY be easier to arrange as they age and don’t need parental supervision at Scouts or practices, or it may get more difficult depending on their interests. I don’t know. Also, their homework will become more independent. I will be able to grocery shop or run a few errands without having them in tow in just 3-4 years when they can start staying alone for an hour or two at a time. And that will only increase from then on. Gavin will be in middle school in less than 4 years’ time. AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

So, as you can see, YES, I am constantly thinking this through. I have a lot of decisions to make and for right now, just the day-to-day decisions of what to have for dinner are difficult enough to make while we heavily grieve for Brian. Then I have larger, but immediate decisions to make like benefits coverage as our COBRA amount quadruples next month. And how long do the boys stay in counseling now that we have to start paying privately? And I still don’t know for sure what color to paint my bathroom.

And then there is the guilt for knowing that I DO have a college education and am perfectly suited to work a well-paying, full-time job but just not wanting to do it right now because I know it would not be what is best for my kids and me emotionally, but would really make some decisions easier and make saving for college and benefits a no-brainer. (All that experience and education, yet still ridiculous run-on sentences) So, don’t even get me started on feeling under the microscope knowing that my closest friends and family (especially my parents who gifted me with that education) have to be thinking – “Why the heck is she doing this when she is educated and employable?” And I realize that most of the guilt is probably self-inflicted. This is what I do to myself.

But my motto for the last few months and for the next couple will continue to be - "NO BIG CHANGES FOR A YEAR". Different seasons and events unfold different challenges and perspectives.

For future reference, to anyone who is dying to know what someone who is handling a large life-change like a divorce, a death or job loss is going to do from here, DON’T ASK. I know it is well-intended, but I can tell you if they want to talk about it, they will. THEIR THOUGHTS ARE CONSUMED WITH IT ANYWAY. And they don’t want to be in their position of HAVING to think about it at all. (And also to let you know that 12 months ago, I also would have asked anyone that was going through this the SAME questions.) Rather, just say to that person “I know you have a lot of decisions and very difficult choices ahead of you. I will pray for you as you think things through. But, please take the time you need to make informed decisions and if you want to talk things through, I’m here to listen. (Although they will always be willing to talk if you want to tell them about that great part-time, work-from-home, $50,000/year job you have been dying give to them.)” And then – PRAY FOR THAT PERSON AND THEIR DECISIONS.

You can start with me.

KEEP BELIEVING

*edited to add* I didn't write this post to make anyone feel bad for asking me what we are going to do next or for wondering what we are going to do next. I wrote the post so you can have a glimpse into the hundreds of "If- Then's" that enter my mind daily, and to let you know where I am with the decision making. Because honestly? If you haven't walked a few steps in these shoes of mine (and my size 5 wides would not fit many of you, and I pray they never do - literally and metaphorically speaking), you simply wouldn't know how many factors and variables there are to complicate even the slightest decision. Like the fact that I suck at painting, so choosing the wrong color means more work for the friends and family that help me. And that every BIG decision I make right now will greatly impact THREE of us. My children are my first priority in all decisions right now.

Brian's journal

2009-08-25T09:50:00.001-05:00

Dear Brian,

Today, as the boys are in school, I have opted NOT to run needless errands, go to the gym, or spend time away from home. I am taking some time to gradually work my way through more of your things, deciding what to keep for the boys, what to give to your family and friends and what to simply discard. [And I have decided that the morphine (that I had forgotten was there) is going back to hospice to destroy legally.] Upon going through your nightstand drawer, I found your old journal. Journaling was something that you wanted to make a priority when you were first diagnosed and got over the initial shock (although did we ever truly get over that shock?).

It is in finding particular reminders that I am both overjoyed and deeply saddened. These reminders are the ones that bring you into action. The pair of paint stained shorts you wore when you did projects strike an emotion and memory in me greater than a still photograph. Your hockey jersey with the red paint stain that looks like blood and the boys will forever think insist is blood, is more jolting than the State 1st Place trophy-plaque. Coming across your cigar case with a lone forgotten cigar in your golf bag sparks more in me than the photo of you smoking a cigar with ashes longer than the cigar. Seeing your words written in a journal reminds me that you were here on this earth physically writing and thinking and feeling.

Your last journal entry was in 2000. I wish so much you would have continued to write in it. I love reading your thoughts and ramblings. You wrote exactly as you spoke. And you spoke as you lived. Not many people in this world do that. You always did.

Here is your last entry that brought me pride and tears and longing:

April 6, 2000

The secret to long life is to keep your soul happy. If your soul is happy, he'll want to stay in this world. One of the best ways to make your soul happy is to make someone else happy.

Brian, I think this is so profound and beautiful and simple. It is one of the most accurate statements I can think of to describe you. And the best part is that is came directly from you and was the last journal entry you ever wrote. And it was 9 years before you died. So, I know you won't mind that I am sharing it on this blog for the world to see. It is something you would have wanted to tell everyone and anyone who was struggling with contentment or health or other issues. I do believe you left this world with a happy soul. Why your soul didn't want to stay, as you wrote, I cannot answer. Perhaps because it was so happy and your body was failing enough that it was ready to flee back to it's creator? I don't know, but I know you were always a happy, empathetic, and compassionate soul. So many people told me while coming to visit us those last few months before you passed that despite our situation and its apparent grim outlook, our house was not a sad place. It was still a place of peace and joy. Brian, even in your last few dying months, you made others happy just as your journal entry stated - the most remarkable testimony to who you have always been!

I love you, Brian. I miss you.

KEEP BELIEVING

FALLing again...

2009-08-23T14:36:00.004-05:00

Dear Brian,

I wish I could express to you how life is going without you in a way that wouldn't make you feel bad for leaving us. I can't. I can't tell you that we are doing just fine and getting by alright. We appear to be, but we are all very sad and confused. The boys and I seem to fight a lot amongst ourselves. We all seem to be finding our pecking order and testing each other to see how firm we have to stand before the other will bend.

Our surrounding world is transforming again. From summer to fall. From a time of fun and games to practice and routine. From a time of on-the-constant-go to home and school. It is in this transformation that I miss you most. Realizing once the boys arrive home at 3, that is it for the day. There is no anticipation of Daddy's arrival in a few hours. I sit alone at church. I will go to Back to School Parent's Night alone while the rest of our world handles this familiar routine as a family team. It becomes an effort not to resent them for the unknown ease they have in their lives.

I have always equated Fall and back to school with a a time of immediate family togetherness. The weekends become more important as both mothers and fathers are seeing their children for the only full days of a week. Saturday, after I had breakfast cleaned up and had finished my workout, I slipped outside to bask in the beauty of a glorious Saturday morning. I sobbed, missing you, knowing you would have shared time with me that morning enjoying a cup of coffee planning our day. I cried later that day as I took the boys to the outdoor mall with me. They behaved rather well considering they thought they were supposed to be at a birthday party and not running an errand with me, only to realize I had the wrong day for the party. I rewarded them with some time at the mall playground and Auntie Anne's pretzels. This location was lovingly nicknamed the PRETZEL PARK by you and the boys years ago. It has always been one of your favorite places to take the kids even when you were unable to walk well. I missed having you at the Pretzel Park with us. If found myself crying at your Mom and Dad's house while we celebrated Cheryl's birthday. The pain of seeing couples together sometimes is unbearable. Yet it is comforting. I can't explain it logically.

Yet, today has been a good day. Yes, I miss you today. Yes, I wanted you next to me at church. Yes, at church I find myself especially vulnerable and emotional. Yes, the boys and I are having our issues. But today, I woke and made a conscious decision to make today good. I hate that it has be such an effort to have a good day. I think of you and how you made a conscious effort every single day to get out of bed and make it downstairs. How you had to will your right side to move in rhythm with your left. How you had to stop and think about the words you were about to use every time you formed a sentence. How you did it, though, and never complained. How you rarely lamented about your burdens at all. You would assure me that to do so, was a choice. You made the choice appear effortless.

Brian, you continue to inspire me to make a choice today to have a good day. I pray tomorrow I make the same choice with as much grace as you always did.

I love and miss you, Brian.

KEEP BELIEVING

The truth about why I'm not blogging

2009-08-16T14:26:00.002-05:00

The simple, hard truth about why I don't blog these days is this:

When I'm not artificially busy with traveling with the kids and doing kid activities, when the home improvement projects come to an end, when I find the time to have downtime, the fog creeps in.

The fog of loneliness and sadness. The fog of knowing I have to figure out what to do next. The fog of anxiety over what lies ahead - shorter days, more darkness, colder weather. The fog of routine and a new normal that I don't want, that none of us deserve. The fog of the reality from which we have been successfully running all summer.

And starting with school this week, so ends my ability to keep running. The race may continue, but the slowly pacing grief is gaining on me. I know it is a very small matter of time before grief has completely caught up and we run this race side by side.

It scares me.

KEEP BELIEVING

food for thought

2009-08-10T10:10:00.000-05:00

I have a B.S. in Engineering. I have passed levels of math from Calc I-Differential Equations. While it did take me three times to successfully obtain a passing grade, I have passed Dynamics determining the force and momentum and speed of objects in motion. I can wire electrical fixtures and outlets. I can even wire a 3-way light fixture and switch. I have worked in different areas of Accounting and Finance and Business Management for Fortune 500 companies. I was selected into a developmental rotational program at a major defense contractor performing various financial and accounting functions. I have presented information to VP's and company executives. I have performed cost analysis to determine the economic viability of capital projects. I was more informed and well-versed on some of the medical terms, side effects and diagnosis codes better than some of the medical staff that treated Brian's very complicated medical case.

SO WHY IS IT THAT I CANNOT SUCCESSFULLY MANEUVER MY SON'S TRANSFORMER FROM A CAR TO A ROBOT AND BACK EVEN WITH THE DIRECTIONS???

KEEP BELIEVING

hello? is this thing on?

2009-08-05T22:38:00.000-05:00

Once again, a half-arsed post. Sorry.

Just letting you know we are here. We just returned from 9 days visiting family, attending a wedding shower, celebrating both my siblings' birthdays, and a few other fun activities.
Still waiting to see if the data from the video camera can be salvaged. If it can, they said it can cost upwards of $2000. Yes, you read that correctly. As in, TWO GRAND. Ouch. I never thought I would have to put a price on a memory. After talking to Grant today about Canada and what he remembers from two years ago, though, I think I will probably figure out a way to do it. He has almost no recollection of Daddy from two years ago ALREADY. So, I want to find a way to keep those memories of most recent events fresher in his head - a way to trigger them. Do you think all those people who contributed to the KEEP BELIEVING FUND would fall over if they knew part of their contribution and generosity went towards salvaging my stupid carelessness?

And since nothing seems to happen smoothly and easily in our lives, my credit card was cancelled while I was on vacation. When I tried to use my back up card, it was also declined. Turns out the first one was cancelled due to a security compromise and fraudulent charge possibilities. The first charge we verified was fraudulent. Turns out my back up card was cancelled several months ago due to inactivity for 2 years. Shows you how much I use it. A new one was Fed-Exed to me the day after my brother's birthday which is the day after my sister's birthday. So, instead of treating each of them and their spouses to a birthday dinner, which was my plan, they treated me. Bad timing. Or good timing, depending on how you look at it.

Here are a few pics from our back-up-point-and-click-battery-guzzler camera from the last two weeks.

the carnival:
Papa's tractor:

Kevin's birthday (our Flintstone sized steaks with Gaivn's Flintstone sized meatball and Chocolate dessert)

Johnson's Shut Ins:

Elephant Rocks:

KEEP BELIEVING

forgive me/update

2009-07-20T12:36:00.002-05:00

To all the readers who are still sticking around:

I am sorry. I am sorry for not posting. I am sorry for not reading. I am sorry for not communicating.

I am suffering from a severe lack of attention span. I have always been a bit scatter-brained, but this summer it has escalated to new levels. I am not seeing a therapist or counselor right now, so I don't know if this is a normal issue or not when in the grieving process. I plan to start seeing someone when school starts. I have the boys both seeing someone, and arranging even more appointments and babysitters seems overwhelming to me right now. Not to mention that so far this summer, I have forgotten about an appointment or plans with friends and overbooked ourselves, on average, about once a week.

So, to make things kind of short. Our vacation week away in St. Louis, Lake of the Ozarks, and Kansas City was fantastic. We had a great time less the camera situation. The camera fell into the Lake of the Ozarks as we were ready to board the boat the first day. It was 100% and completely my fault as the bag was not zipped all the way. The heavy telescopic lens was on the DSLR Canon EOS and caused the bag to unzip all the way when I threw the bag over my shoulder. Every piece in the camera bag including the Camcorder fell into 15 feet of murky lake water. The camera is unsalvageable ( which spell check doesn't recognize, so I must have invented the word, but it makes sense to me), but the memory card is fine. The Camcorder is also unsalvageable, but after many attempts, I found the guy in Peoria that can recover the data if the data can be recovered. It is a hard drive Camcorder and has about 1-1/2 years of data that I have not downloaded or burned to DVD's. So the last year of Brian's life is on the hard drive. I am praying that the hard drive can be salvaged and the data is recoverable. We will see.

Other than that, our days have been filled with morning trips to the gym I am now a member of. Our afternoons have been filled with trips to the park, McDonald's, friends houses, the pool, a local lake beach, errands, and some QT at home. We are having a good summer, but the fighting between the boys is sometimes out of hand. I really miss having that extra set of hands and that extra voice to help level things out.

My meltdowns have decreased. I cry less. The boys seem less overall sad and angry. Gavin has stopped trying to convince me that Jesus COULD bring Daddy back. We talk about Brian a lot. We talk about our memories. We talk about when we really miss him. We talk about things that remind us of him. We all still have our major issues, but the grieving process is coming along. Which is bittersweet. Part of me doesn't want life to get easier. It is strange.

That is all I am writing for now. Forgive my lack of creativity and my direct, boring update. Just wanted to let everyone know a general "how we are doing." Many have asked.

KEEP BELIEVING

grocery list

2009-07-10T09:34:00.004-05:00

Today I asked the boys to quickly add anything to my grocery list that they thought we needed or that they could use in the next couple weeks.

Gavin handed me a small memo pad piece of paper with the following items:

milk

fruit gushers

puppy

I need to change where I grocery shop.

(Gavin with his TRUE favorite cousin - Ziggy)

KEEP BELIEVING