keep off the grass..

my iphone has a pretty mean camera!

2012-10-13T03:33:00.002-07:00

LOVE.

2012-10-09T01:04:00.000-07:00

This is my favourite quote.This describes my entire love life.This describes anything that starts off passionately,and ends passionately.It is necessary.It is what makes you wholesome.

"It begins when the object of your affection bestows upon you a heady hallucinogenic dose of something you’ve never even dared to admit you wanted; an emotional speedball of thunderous love and excitement. Soon you start craving that attention with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When it’s withheld you turn sick, crazy, not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff. Goddamn him and he used to give it to you for free. Next stage finds you skinny, shaking in a corner, certain only that you’d sell your soul just to have that one thing one more time. Meanwhile the object of your adoration is now repulsed by you. He looks at you like someone he’s never met before. The irony is you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You’re a mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes. You have now reached infatuations final destination, the complete and merciless devaluation of self."

This is why we need to prioritize and base our source of happiness not solely on a person,but on other things,as materialistic as they maybe.Yet,i would say,there is nothing that compares to the happiness that emanates from a person.They are other kinds of happiness.But not the same.Never the same.

Indias own sex maverick.

2012-08-20T06:00:00.002-07:00

Prabuddha Dasgupta.

The name denotes how photography slowly evolved into art in India as early as the 90s.Prabuudha aged,58 died of a heart attack while at work on the 11th of august,2012.

"Prabuddha's pictures disorient the person looking at them. They attach themselves deeply to you while, simultaneously floating free of your conscious life and memories, refusing to become part of the documentary or circumstantial record. As evidence they are entirely unreliable and inadmissable. We are in the realm of dreams, and memories - exactly whose is never clear..."
Geoff Dyer, 2011

Prabuddha a self taught photographer,made a woman look raw,sensual,sexy and everything you wouldnt normally think she is,at passing unless looked at through his lens.You can see it from some of his pictures of Lakshmi Menon,his long time partner(who is almost 30years younger) and muse.It must feel amazing to be seen and perceived as not just beautiful but beautiful in a way, that you know noone else can sum you up to be.She constituted a fair size of his work.He made sex an art,sexual photography an art.The man has photographed some very very sexy stuff in his time.Do take some time to take a look at his website.Dont miss the longing or the comissioned folders.Explosive stuff.A legend.R.I.P. The man was a rockstar.Respect.

http://www.prabuddhadasgupta.com

My little tryst with a thief among other things this week

2012-06-13T12:41:00.003-07:00

So,i now have first hand experience of what it feels like to be on the receiving end.At my house,we have various employees for various reasons.i have no idea why we have that many people lying around.Either way a whole group of people,possibly belonging to a family were hired about two weeks ago.

So,i start with my daily holiday routine of waking up at 10 am,dragged out of bed by my mother who rushes to work soon after informing me the whereabouts of my breakfast which is mainly just carrot juice and a fruit.i find it,find that mango and a knife,get back to my 16 degree celcius room and do the usual-checking my mail etc by my desk.

On the instructions of my claustrophobic mother, i left the front door open to let some cool air come in that may finally help me breathe some fresh healthy air according to her.Around 12pm while i m still at my desk chatting with a friend online,i hear some shuffling noise assuming its my mother returning from work for lunch,i continue my gossiping.then the door opens which is like 5yards away from the chair i m sitting in and my thief who i have never seen before is staring at me.i recover from my initial shock and ask him stupid questions like who are you?/what are you doing here? etc etc.then he walks into my room and tries to shut the door behind him.At this point my senses fully kicked in,and my room just shrunk by ten times its size as i realized how close he was and how quickly he could overpower me. i start screaming like a banshee like every other insane girl.I picked up my phone and picked up the knife i was cutting my fruit with and i started screaming louder,and continued threatening him as well with god knows what.what he didnt know and what i knew was that all my screaming was in vain as i was in the second floor of my house tucked away in a nice little corner and nobody will hear me.Somehow i managed to wave my knife at him and my phone pretending to call people and he slowly retreated out of my room as i started walking towards him.then somemore screaming and he finally starts running down the stairs.i run behind him like a lunatic down the stairs when i see him pull out "my" house keys out of "his" pocket and try to unlock the front door i left open,which is when it completely dawned on me that it was all premeditated and he shut the door behind him and locked the door with a set of duplicate keys he had made,before he came to find me.Pretending to be unnerved by this,i continued giving him directions to open the door right away and get the hell out of my house.What surprised me the most was in between all this he kept addressing me as madam and said he was going to leave.so he fumbled for about 5minutes with the keys,what with all my screaming and howling i think i managed to confuse him the right amount.after which he fled.meanwhile i called the front watchmans cabin on the intercom and instructed them to hold the young man who just ran out of my front door.they managed to catch up with him and hold him until my parents rushed from work.

After a thorough beating from my father and the cops arriving,i was later informed that he was one of our newest employees who apparently even assisted me in my weekly routine of gardening once.i somehow could not recollect his face or having ever seen him before.He happened to be my age,who also hails from a nearby village who came to town to work with his parents during the holidays and to start attending college this year post his summer vacation.What drove him to do what he did,i have no idea.He confessed that he had come to search the house for money and other valuables that may help him "settle"in life.well thats what hes doing now in jail i guess.I still cannot completely get over what could have happened if he didnt leave my room when i waved my little knife at him.My father keeps arguing that the sanest thing to do would have been me running back into my room and closing the door and bolting it instead of running behind him,i have absolutely no idea as to what got into me.Either way,crime is not always committed by the experienced,everyone starts off somewhere.He could have started his not so promising career at it by silencing me when he realised he wasnt alone in the house.It was my little brush with what could have been.Things are definitely not in perspective for me post-trauma like they should me.i m still confused little me.

Oh, i also happened to cast my first vote this year half an hour after the incident.not such a life changing experience either.i just went there with no particular candidate in mind and chose on the spot.and pressed my little blue button.

spicy carmin

2012-06-08T06:36:00.002-07:00

after years of dicking around with your personal style,it is time to select a signature lipstick. This is the lipstick that will get you through thick and thin. When you are screaming for mercy during childbirth, this is the lipstick that will be smeared across your face. When you kiss the corpses of your dead parents, this is the color that will stain their cheeks. This is the lipstick that will flow into the fine lines and wrinkles around your mouth as the death rattle grips your throat. Choosing this lipstick is a momentous task. In order to complete it, you need to be slightly drunk.” -Simon Doonan, Eccentric Glamour

movies you might have missed.but worth a watch.

2012-06-07T11:55:00.005-07:00

1.A film based on Mary Pinchot Meyer(she was called catherine caswell in the film),one of John.F.Kennedy s many mistresses whose Ex-husband happens to be an Ex-CIA agent.So basically she is aware of the usual drill.Thing is she wasnt just one of his mistresses to him,she was special even, to an extent where she influenced his views on nuclear disarmament and rapprochement with Cuba.She was bold,intelligent,beautiful and she was more than just another woman to him.JFK eventually got assassinated for his brashfulness and so did mary pinchot meyer shortly after JFK s assassination.A few days before her 44th birthday,she was shot in the face point-blank.She knew too much,she was taken care of.The film though is shown through the eyes of a teenager who was Ms.Meyers neighbour who also happens to have a teenage-boy crush on her,so he pretty much stalks her throughout the film.It took away the importance of her relationship with JFK,as the boys character is only fictious.Nevertheless,it is a film definitely worth watching.

P.S: google Mary Pinchot Meyer if you are as interested in conspiracies as i am.

2.A film based on a true story.During world war II ,a bunch of siberian gulags escape their camp and walk 4000miles past Mongolia and reach India.Some die as free men along the way and some make it to India.It probably didnt capture the intensity of the real story.Still,it keeps you captivated at all the key scenes.I dont know about you,but biographies are always a favourite with me.

3.Russell Crowe at his usual best.The perfect timing for the perfect plot is all it takes to rescue the mother of his child from a high security U.S prison where she is imprisoned for life for a murder she did not commit.At this point she would have lost every appeal as they had an eye witness testifying against her and 0 evidence.Keeps you on your toes.

4.Ed Norton has one day to prepare himself to go to jail for life.He stands between two choices-either take the high road,never look back and stay a free man,or stay locked up for good.you have to watch it to enjoy it.pans out well enough.

5.Milk is an oscar nominated biography,based on Harvey Milk,a gay rights activist and a politican. He was the first openly gay person to be elected to public office in California, as a member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors.The film revolves around Harveys' struggle as a gay rights activist. Also features the very hot James Franco.One of Sean Penns finest performance to date.Nailed it.

movies.marriage.talk.

2012-06-06T12:48:00.005-07:00

What is it with movies and making everything seem so much more fantastic than they are,either that or they incite grief like its the end of the world.Ah!movies..they have inspired me almost everyday.Yes,i watch one everyday.They ve kept me company throughout my dark college period,cheered me up when i'm not really in the mood to even sit with the light on,and i also had an overdose of them on those exceptional lazy sundays.i blame movies for my high expectations in relationships!Dont you think so? Maybe thats why no man could ever keep me too happy for too long.And let me make it clear,i do not have daddy issues.Hence the most plausible explanation i can come up with is - the movies!I dont like movies the cliche way as much as i may sound that way.I like movies with loose ends,like the Last night..the one with Keira Knightley where she is married to Sam Worthington and happens to have an old boyfriend visiting when her husbands out of town on an office trip defiling his colleague who happens to be Eva Mendez(yes, they just had to make her the evil seductress).Either way Keira Knightley is spending a night out with her ex who happens to be a french guy from paris(i mean who doesnt love the europeans?) ,who also happens to be a writer.(uggh!and yes,he just happens to be that sexy in a delicious, poetic way).Anyway,they go out ,rekindle,kiss and just spend time.No, there was no raunchy sex involved.It was just time spent between people who loved each other deeply once.i mean it could happen to anyone.How many of us have not been in "love" since middle school?All of us either thought it was love or just maybe lets say hypothetically, it was 'love' sufficient for that age group in that particular time frame.So yes,all of us also have that one we came to share something deeper than we did in high school with, in college.Doesnt mean you go somewhere with it.Doesnt mean we dont.but the question is what happens if nothing happens and we meet after?I would want it to be poetic.I mean i m not being filmy.My definition of poetic is meet randomly, have a decent conversation with no awkwardness and with the utmost respect and nostalgia.No, i would not want to be friends with his wife.But i would want to know hes doing well or maybe i just want to be happy knowing he has an ugly wife who probably will never be as hot as i am(evil laugh).Anyway,m off topic.What i was trying to say was movies make you want to believe.Alright,what about War Horse?i mean isnt it epic how that horse, Joey makes its way back to the english boy who brought him up and survives war?He literally gets sold to an english officer,who then dies and the horse becomes a slave to the germans,then it gets lost and is taken in by a little german girl,then again slave to the germans,then back to the english.i mean ,Damn!Theres a scene in the movie where Joey gets caught in barbed wire, while he was running away from a hotzone,what with all that firing and all.So both the parties at war see Joey and both of them come together to rescue a horse-a german and an englishman.They have small talk about the war,flip a coin on who gets to keep the horse and split.I think what Spielberg tried to convey was that in a time of war,two people from the opposite lines of fire came together to rescue an animal,spirited enough to live through it.I mean noone really wants to fight a war.they are all common men-butchers,farmers,bakers who happen to be pushed along with the rest of the herd to fight for whats rightfully theirs.They are terrified,scarred,broken yet they fight-some with courage,some with the fear of being shot by their own if they dont get out there and shoot someone.its obviously one of those larger than life hotchpotch movie schemes.But who can resist one with that insync-with-your-emotions background music that comes with every movie and elevates that moment in the movie for you.And its Speilberg we are talking about here.You just cant argue with his grand gestures in a movie.i might have just given you the worst examples i could have out of those billion good movies i watched.i just couldnt think of any for now.

So what i was trying to say is, thanks to movies in general,we are messed up either in a beautiful-yes i m going to be unbelievably/unnecessarily optimistic about life,career,boys,our future and everything else way or we are just living in our make believe world(i am).Either way,it does the job doesnt it?I have never thought of anything in the supposed "right" way.Maybe its my liberating education,maybe its my less severe indian background ,appalling all those cliche indian aunties,or maybe its just my lack of adherence to a system of any kind.You have any idea how many indian girls are made to believe they have to get married just because it is the age to get married?or just because the boy is from a well known circle and has sacks of money or because she wouldnt be fertile enough to have kids in her 30s(i mean dont we already have only about 400 eggs left in our reproductive period)?Who are these people who suddenly decided one day-yes,this is how it is going to be.That this is called the marriage institution and that we are going to adhere by it even when it is 2012.I would like to meet that Einstein and smack his face.I dont mean to sound cynical.but why do we need to be married?why cant we just be?why cant we love as many as we can,i m not referring to sex or the relish you may find in being with different kind of men/women.I am talking about how for some of us who have met people and always learnt something from them,taken something away from one relationship and shared the same in another.It could be a friend,a teacher,a stranger,a patient.You learn so much from just watching people.You learn to feel,you learn to love,to live,to appreciate,to want,to dream,to learn.Marriage doesnt necessarily mean the end of anything.I m just citing it as an example as to what shackles us.one of those many that do.Fame,power,wealth-i want it all just like everyone else.not even being modest about it.Just that it irks me when i have to do something just because it is the way of life.Or am i hoping for too much?

Sigiriya-The Lion Mountain/Pleasure Palace.

2012-05-30T03:46:00.001-07:00

Sigiriya,a UNESCO world heritage site.its beauty has enthralled millions for years and it did the same and much more for me.this post is long overdue now.

Atop 1214ft of solid rock,the palace was originally built by king kashyapa(reign 477ce -495ce)in the Mesolithic period which is some five thousand years ago.King Kashyapa son of King Dhatusena ,was born to a non-royal consort of Dhatusena.Kashyapa is believed to have killed his father for the throne and had him walled in, in order to secure his position for the throne in the place of his brother Moggallana who was the son of the true queen.Your typical game-of-thrones story back in the day.Moggallana fled to south india where he would later raise an army to come back to defeat Kashyapa.Meanwhile, Kashyapa afraid of the same,moves the capital from Anuradhapura to Sigiriya and builds himself a grand palace cum fort.

Elaborating on the palace, as it is exquisite.it boggles the common mind that this was thought of thousands of years ago.he had water gardens,rock/boulder gardens,rooftop pools.the water hydraulic systems used back then were phenomenal and continue to function even to date at Sigiriya.engineering at its rarest.

this is the man made water body at the foremost entrance to the mountain.intact to date.

view of the main garden at the base of the mountain from the top.

cobra hood cave,a part of the boulder gardens.

The rooftop pool as a part of the terraced garden is in the picture with a bunch of us girls.he even had a throne made of rock directly above this pool so his view would be this exact picture.apparently Kashyapa sure did know how to live it up.

Also noteworthy,are his 500 wives of multi-ethnicity who lived with him in the same "pleasure" palace.there are depictions of them on the wall of the inner palace with colour and brushstrokes unknown to mankind around that period.some of them remain while some of them were erased by the monks who occupied the palace after Kashyapas reign upto the 14th century.the monks definitely made a mess of some of it as they vandalized most of the palace in terms of art as they might have found Kashyapas 500 maidens and their semi naked bodies etched on their wall a tad too offensive?he even had a mirror wall which was made of lime plaster, highly polished,so that the king could see his reflection everytime he walked past it.i have no idea how they polished it,as you can see the wall glistening even to date,although much of it is damaged and you can see visitors messages,carved into the wall .its banned now of course.

As i mentioned earlier,the women were of various ethnicity as you see paintings of black women,javanese women etc etc.as always, opposed to the original theory,it is also of belief that all of these 500 maidens were a depiction of Tara, a lion goddess ,who is a sheer embodiement of truth,in sync with the whole concept of the lion mountain.it was originally called the lion moutain owing to the carving of a lion at the entrance.the head of the lion seems to have fallen,as the paws remain even today at the last lap of the climb to the top of Sigiriya.

so,Kashyapa ruled till the 495 CE when his step brother returned from India with the army he raised to claim his throne and revenge.it is believed at the time of the battle,the elephant which Kashyapa mounted changed course as a part of a strategic move,which was apparently a bad one as his army believed their king to be retreating,hence they followed.Abandoned by his army,a very proud Kashyapa,in the face of obvious defeat, slayed himself by slitting his throat with his dagger and did a war-cry and sheathed his dagger before falling to his death.another theory was that he was poisoned by one of his concubines.as scandalous as the second theory is,i d like to go with the first one as he could not have died in vain.for me,he is bad ass.he knew how to live life large.hence i refuse to believe he died any other way

Soon after which Moggallana, retook his position as the rightful heir and moved the capital back to Anuradhapura,when the monks took over Sigiriya as their monastery,and the rest is history.

Sigiriya is a depiction of how far ahead Kashyapa was of his times in terms of engineering or lifestyle.he had giant rooftop pools,500 wifes of different ethnicities,all of them were flimsily clad at all times apparently based on the artwork,he witnessed the view from atop Sigiriya for about 18 years.the ultimate bad boy.his end was poetic in its own sense.he walled-in his father,and drove away the rightful heir and died owing to poor interpretation of his move with the elephant on the battlefield by his army.whatever said and done,he had his epic 18years.

As for me,the experience was much more than fantastic.the view from the top was spectacular.nothing can compare to it.it has its own charm,history and innuendo to it.the place speaks to you in so many ways.i will return again for once is not enough.

Photo courtesy:Veena Nadarajan.

isolated beach routine.

2012-05-30T01:10:00.000-07:00

Perks of living in a small coastal town.we drive along the coast away from town until we find an isolated stretch of the bay of bengal,drive alongside the sea,find a spot and lie down and listen for hours and not think of anything but the sea.i have had this habit of poking around random things i find on the beach ever since i was a kid.this time around i found a washed up blue stoned ganesha sitting next to a dried up urchin and remains of a dead dolphin.(how do i know its a dolphin?you see those vertebral bodies in the above picture?thats how you determine a mammal from an ordinary fish.since a fish of that size is either a dolphin or a shark,and shark is not a mammal,its a fish.since, a whale is much larger in size, i determined it is a dolphin from the skeletal remains.yes,that was my little adventure for the day.)

my instagram phase.

2012-05-05T01:21:00.002-07:00

my last post was over a year ago.

2012-05-02T11:21:00.002-07:00

customised giggles cupcakes-a valentines day present from a friend who also happens to call me giggles.get it?:) 300 year old mango tree in a coffee plantation in coorg.a lambadi woman(a tribe most commonly seen in andhra and orissa) who was more than shocked i wanted a picture of her.my experiments with light.moms obsession with potted plants in the kitchen.my everyday view after a workout on the terrace.a friends boxer-weirdly named patsy.saw this giant tusker enroute Bandipur,Karnataka chained to a tree on the side of a road.another evening flight-these half an hour flights are not helping my airsickness.

Betty Anne Waters

2011-04-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

Betty Anne Waters,56,a woman of courage,willpower,more than all a sister driven by a bond that goes beyond just the same DNA.betty anne more commonly known for her role potrayed by hillary swank in the movie "conviction",is no ordinary waitress that you meet at your local pub. Ms.Waters, a native of ayer,massachusetts has to her credit,the freedom of an innocent man jailed for a crime he did not commit,yet served term for almost two decades just because there was no DNA testing at the time of his trial and also because the prime witnesses in his case were coerced,into admitting he is the killer of katherina brow by the lead investigator of the case at the time.

Mr.Kenneth Waters,was convicted in the year 1983,for the murder of Katherina Brow in the year 1980.Ms.Brow was found murdered in her trailer home in ayer,massachusetts,not far from Mr.waters home. Ms.Brow suffered 14 stab wounds to the chest,two fatal wounds to the head with half her brain splattered across her bedroom. Mr.Waters was questioned in 1980 on account of being the sole neighbour in the area with a criminal record with a couple barfights and also as he had attended reform school at the age of 10,for breaking into Ms.Brow s trailer,just being upto what a kid his age would. after three years,he was found guilty on all charges as his two key witnesses-his ex-girlfriend,the mother of his daughter, admitted to having heard Mr.Waters talk of the killing and his hatred for Ms.Brow.

Ms.Waters(betty anne),his sister of a year apart,with whom he shared a bond so strong that we all can learn something from,a waitress at the time,put herself through college and law school after kenny had a stint at jail where he tried to end his life.Ms.Waters despite being the only "older woman" in her class at law school or failing tests put herself through the barexam which she passed and became her brothers attorney, when she came across DNA testing which was revolutionising the face of crime at the time.she rakes up evidence of over 16 years after searching every nook and corner of the county evidence dept, manages to hunt down key witnesses of the case from 1983 and proves them unreliable.with the help of Abra Rice,her bestfriend from lawschool and Barry Scheck, an attorney of the "innocence project" she helped exonerate her brother,her bestfriend.

after two decades of heartache,seperation from her husband owing to her streamlined one-way attention to her brothers cause that got the better of her role as a wife,as a mother.Ms.Betty Anne Waters did it after all--her brother Mr.Kenneth Waters came home to a post-20-year-jail-term to starbucks coffee,cellphones,gps in the car and other advantages of living in the 00's in 2001.

and for what--Mr.Kenneth Waters died six months after being exonerated, in a freak accident when he slipped and fell off a wall he was trying to climb as a shortcut in order to get home early.those six months were supposedly the best six months of his life.

Ms.Waters continues to work at the same pub,only shes a general manager now and she continues to help with the "innocence project" and she didnt go on to be a lawyer as she became a lawyer only to help her brother.she has no wish to pursue law.the only other time she entered a courtroom is when the pub she works in had trouble renewing their liquor license.and yes,she won.

the kings speech

2011-03-17T05:11:00.000-07:00

colin firth-no ordinary man.no overnight success.27 years later,the oscar covets the man-a brilliant,brilliant actor,writer,social activist,who once said in the defense of the tribals of botswana against the govt for the eviction of the bushmen of the kalahari-"These people are not the remnants of a past era who need to be brought up to date. Those who are able to continue to live on the land that is rightfully theirs are facing the 21st century with a confidence that many of us in the so-called developed world can only envy." kings speech indeed.

physics of the quest

2011-03-11T04:38:00.000-08:00

the physics of the quest-a force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity

the rule of quest physics goes something like this-

if you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting,which can be anything-to your house to bitter old resentments and set out on a truth seeking journey,either externally or internally and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher,and if you are prepared to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself,then the truth will not be withheld from you.

-eat.pray.love.

dad

2011-03-08T08:19:00.001-08:00

my dad wakes me up early in the morning to give me this lecture on the occasion of women s day-i want you to know i ve never really regretted not having a son.all my life i ve tried my best to let you know we are very happy with you and we dont need a son.you are the best thing that ever happened to us.i dont really like boy kids.infact i dont like them at all. XD

my thirty minutes with a patients mother

2011-03-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

It was my night duty at the ICU.As a house surgeon,we mostly work in the free teaching hospital where we treat the poor.i write these drug charts,sign them,fill in blood tranfusion forms and arrange for blood from the bloodbank for the ones that are critical(not much of the important work is done by me) and then once i was done for the day i leave.the minute i get into the shower i get a call from the duty nurse at the ICU saying i had to accompany a TB meningitis patient(the infection has spread to his brain and the coverings of the brain are inflammed,in "layman" terms) to the radiology department for his CT scan.i was obviously irritated that she didnt choose to tell me this fifteen minutes ago,just before i left.i drive all the way back,agitated,my hair semi-drenched,looking like a wet rat.i meet the patient and his attenders in the lift so i accompany them. we reach the ct scan room and they are getting the patient off the gurney,theres this woman who pulls her sari tight around her shoulders,watching from the doorway anxiously.she was kind of in the way of the proceedings,so they ask her to wait outside a little rudely.so i feel bad despite all my agitation and i ask her to come sit with me and i tell her that they will take care of him,as i think shes worried.she says-i ve never seen a scan being done before.i wanted to observe.so i find out shes the patients mother.i also learn in the next thirty minutes that her 29 year old, son of modest farmers,a prosthetic limb technician(the only one from their village),is missing his wedding day which was supposed to take place the morning after as he is in a coma.it started as a simple fever,so they printed all the wedding cards,distributed them among friends and family-when he goes into a coma.here they are now,thirty days after,minus sixty thousand rupees they saved for his wedding,all gone.shes not very sure the brides family will be consistent with their decision for the alliance after his illness.i enquire if the bride is here visiting him and she says-it is not in our ways for the bride to see the bride groom before the wedding,so she waits for him to get better,and hopes for his safe recovery.she continues to tell me about other things-random things.it was comforting just to watch her,so strong,yet so innocent despite her many years,she smiled at all the right times,cringed at their poor judgement to take his illness seriously at the start,cried when she feared the worst;despite our difficulty to communicate with each other,there we were,two women-age aside,class aside,sitting and talking about the wedding,her children.i was glad i came back.i was glad i met her.she showed me strength when all else was lost.

in a nutshell

2011-03-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

i want to savour every bit of what i eat.i want to laugh every minute of every day.i want to travel the world in my favourite tiny pair of denim shorts and my black lace stilletoes(screw practicality).i want to touch someones life like no one has before.i want to love like i always have.maybe a little reinforcement is necessary. i continue to have big dreams for you my 'now',my future. ♥

my mother and her unusual acquaintances

2010-05-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

To me she is very shy, moody,easily irritated by noise,can barely cross the road without any help,always trying to teach me how to save my money (and not become a shopoholic like my father),someone who i get into pillow fights with even today,someone who gets worked up about everything and blows the smallest of things out of proportion,someone who will not let anyone including my father give me crap even though its my fault.shes fiercely protective and the only person i know who respects everyone,young or old.(funny how none of this rubbed off on me)shes the most innocent person i ve come across in terms of anything to do with anything outside of her workspace or home.

i ve never known her to have friends who drop by home or call her.she's unlike many women i know in the sense,she detests shopping,she hates talking on the phone,she is not talkative at all,barely talks trash about anyone.most times she spends her time at home watching tv,and anyone watching her can easily say her minds elsewhere.she just gazes blankly at the screen.her entire life has been about her work or her family(mostly my father and me).

my mother has a school in my town which she started in the year1989,with around 30 students and today she has over 1500 students and i can proudly say she did it mostly by herself with help from my father.
her acquaintances range from the towns mayor or the district collectors wife to the basic help.but the basic help are the ones she s closer to as she is alone for most of her time as i ve always gone to a boarding school and my father is out at work.she sits and listens to their problems and advices them on what they should do and sometimes i think she even confides in them more than she confides in her other well to do friends.its like she has no human contact outside of her workspace,and they are the only ones there.at first i think she liked the loneliness,she was never social,but now i think all that loneliness did catch up with her.that even the most irrelevant ordinary conversation she has with anybody lightens up her day. she knows every student by name and their parents by name.i ve never known much about her school or how she runs it.all i know is my parents are the most hardworking people i ve ever met in my life.all this hasnt come easily to them.this one fact i m extremely proud of-the fact that what they are today is not a bonus from their parents.they started from scratch and what they have managed to acheive is mind boggling(they have had a love marriage without the approval of their parents,hence the start from nothing.a common occurence around their time).their success story is one i d want to write a book about at some point if i have the means to do so.

so there i was sitting in my mothers office(yes!she works even during the holidays).i barely go visit her.but this one time,she was complaining about my father as she always does as she thinks i am the only one my father ever listens to.this woman walks in.

mother-what do you want?
visitor-madam.i came to give you the money.
mother-what money?
visitor-my sons fee.
mother-why didnt you come when the office staff was here,so the accounts section could give you a receipt?
visitor-i couldnt come in the morning as i had to take care of the deliveries to to all my customers and bring the herd back home.
mother-okay.give it to me, i ll go find the receipt book and write it myself.

all this while i had my back to the lady,then my mum asked her to come in front and take a look at me and see how much her daughter had grown.thats when i got a good look at her.i see this meek woman,extremely smalll built,she looked so tired,weathered by everything life threw at her.she had sad eyes.but when she smiled at me,it was a sight to see!she was amazed at how much i grew and she asked me when i am going to bulid a hospita so i can treat her for free:)

this visitor is my milkmaid.i should add,that in my mothers school,her students range from the upper class families whose parents are the local politicians to the scholarship students she takes in every year.

the visitor is carrying a steel box out of which she takes out bundles of money,lots of change put into bundles,mostly 10/20 rs notes adding upto some 15 grand.she adds-i ve been saving this money with my sister for a while,so i thought i ll come and give it to you personally before my husband or my sons spend the money.

she starts filling my mum in with all the details of her household and her neighbours,about the neighbour who hung himself leaving behind a 3 year old daughter to how one of those land-grabbing corporate fellows asked her to vacate her house for a mere 2 lakh rupees,to which she proudly tells my mum-i chased them away telling them this is my land and i ve been living here for 50 years now.in the course of the conversation i am informed that she has 3 sons of which two are cardrivers,and her youngest,a john paul is studying in my mothers school and how she wants atleast one son to become an engineer and land a government job unlike his brothers.she also tells me she has 30 buffaloes and 10 cows.and she informs my mum that she will pay the coming terms fee a little late as she is plannin on acquiring a new buffalo and also build a new house.

once she leaves with her receipt in hand.i ask my mother why she even makes the poor lady pay as she has to go through so much trouble.to which my mother replies that she has tried to tell the poor lady countless times that she will take her son in under a scholarship programme to which the lady promptly refused saying it is against her values and self-respect and that she is working hard to make atleast one of her children educated and she s going to pay for it herself and that she doesnt need anyones sympathy.

what touched me the most is the fact that there is no disparity.she probably delivers milk to many of her sons classmates/friends houses.but the fact that all of them are able to co-exist and be friends and study together under one roof without class disparities.but again that is the beauty of childhood.you dont face the ugly side of the world,where its about how much money you have or what your parents do for a living. But the friend you are.the fact that such a small woman held so much self-respect and strength to take everything life threw at her,and is still content with her herd of cows ans buffaloes and her business.stuff like this makes you wonder what if i didnt throw away all that money on that pair of shoes or that dress,maybe i could have paid a childs school fee.

people like this make you want to believe nothing is impossible to reach,nothing is only a dream that never came true.no matter how big or how small,self-respect is all you need to reach that goal,to be that one to reach the sky.nothing is so far out as long as you can have a dream to reach for it..

my mother,whom i have never known in this light,my mother whom i am so immensely proud of is giving those kids an oppurtunity to shine.shine they will.fingers crossed.

2009-time I summed it up.

2010-05-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

been a pretty fab year i must say.
made atleast four trips this year.
found my perfect pair of blue pumps.
actually bought shoes in all colours-green,blue,hot pink,yellow,grey,black,dark blue.yay!
had my 21st birthday this year.silver dress,blue shoes and all.
had two friends who got engaged this year.
made a new friend(a german one)who writes me beautiful emails.
had an all girl trip this year complete with the whole beach affair.
made two road trips with dear childhood friends.
cut my hair super short at the end of the year.D thinks its kinda hot:)
tonnes of good times with D..the late night drives,the movie marathons.skype marathons.fireworks on the terrace.
got a new car this year.dads money of course.
managed to get traffic tickets so many times in the first half of the year.
managed to read atleast 10 books.(including some really lame ones)

saw the sun rise by the beach so many times this year i cant count.and everytime i catch my breath.(took the picture above on one of those occasions)

made two family trips this year,a very rare occurence.
over all wasted too much time.

.AbStRaCt.

2008-10-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

..sometimes you find beauty in the most unusual places..like in a hospital full of sick people..i was posted at the paediatric free ward..where tiny kids hardly the size of your palm are fighting to stay alive in incubators..strange how those tiny human beings even have the energy to breathe..and on one of those rare occasions i actually attended my clinicals..i saw this lil boy with a broken elbow..he had this yellow monkey hanging from his bed..his mother was lying next to him on the bed..listenin to him,watching him..weave story after another(with actions)..both of them oblivious to the chaos and all the sick people around them.the fact that she was lying there just watching him..may not completely understand what he is saying..but is at complete bliss just watching him…she made it a point to bring his favourite stuffed yellow monkey along..how anything else wouldnt give her the satisfaction of just sitting there and watching her son.its amazing how simple gestures give more meaning to life..you always wana do a lot of things in life..evryone has big plans for life..evryone wants to have been there..done that..but just exactly how much do we continue to dream and remember and cherish in the future??i have big plans too..i want to travel the world..become an obstetrician..because nothing else may give me satisfaction like bringing a child in to this world..jus being there when it happens..being a part of the process..being the facilitator..coz i know theres nuthing like watchn a symbol of your love becoming the person you have never been..wholly made of omitting your faults n slips in life..then again..i wna live on an island..nothing like living in a place surrounded by water..stretches n stretches of blue and green..u feel like u hav lost connection with the rest of the world..then..i wna live in france..own a vineyard..make wine..i wna visit the dead sea and actually see for myself if the clay or the sand does really work wonders for the skin?!?i want to adopt a child..i wna b dt person evry1 is immensely proud of..i want to be that independant woman..who does nt need any1 to make her life perfect..but then again..u wna know that one person who can truly understand you..you see how “abstract” thoughts can get?i wna be evrythng that inspires me..but how much of it will happen??wanting it and living it are two different things..for all i know not even 1% of all that i want is possible,.but i stick to my grounds and stay as optimistic as ever..coz i want all of this..good enough if even half of it happens..or mayb i ll hav bigger dreams in the days 2 come..who knows..i ve learnt no1s life is perfect as it may seem on the outside..evry1 has there flaws and dents..evry1 has dt one dark secret no1 else would know of..and how many people you actually know your entire life..may not have fallen below your expectations..for me atleast..the bigger things do not matter..its the smallest of small things that make a difference..i dont think half the people who i am actually very fond of..even know that i am actually fond of them..evry1 u know r special to u in a different way..evry1 has touched ur life in a different way..all dt most of us do is complain about what v dnt hav or smtn v hav dt v dont wnt..nevr thinkin of the lil things in life..or the people in our lives..making all the difference there is..bringin all the possible joy in larger quantities out of minute details..simply sittin and watchin the rain..the smell of mud after it rains..watching a plant grow..jus standin in the shower..hearin nothing but the water splattering all over you..sometimes a movie dt u watched has effect on you for the rest of the day..or a song that makes you go back and think..some songs kinda connect with you on some level..and you know some else is thinking like u do..lil things that continue make it all d more worthwhile…but here we are competing on whose life sucks more~~

~all about me~

2008-09-10T09:17:00.000-07:00

like life has come to a standstill..m still doin the same old thing..lying in bed,addicted to mans greatest creation-the internet..looking back a million times and thinking of ol' times,never forgetting,never regretting,never-stop-cherishing and longing for everything that was once there and long ignored and taken for granted.from those days at hillwoods to the crazy johnian days..and the georgian rollercoaster ride..still remember the day my parents left me at hillwoods saying they would come back..and leaving me all alone,so small,in a world so new..hillwoods with all those beautiful lawns n

those wonderful plum/pear trees which happened to be our playground..who can get more lucky?those friendly dogs that were a part of the school..still remember the day scoobydoo passed away..and all those lil' kids who went up the hill for the funeral crying,whereas i,being a newcomer just stood there not knowing whether to cry with them..and hillwoods was surprisingly the only place where i topped the class and was considered brilliant and a "good" girl.sadly history never repeats itself and that never did happen again.no one ever thought those innocent things about me after good old hillwoods.breaks my heart to think molly aunty had to shut down the school.so there goes another place i loved ,hidden from the world and lost!Then i entered georges,following the tradition that all hillwoods children abide by..for the giant that georges was..and for all that i complain about the place,in truth..i think it helped build ME..helped me become independant,head-on-my-sholuders,never afraid to speak my mind,and five years of my life just wasnt enough thinking of it now.all my wonderful friends from there,half of whom i got to know after school..are the best of people you can ever find..each one different in their own way and different from everybody else..and each one has touched my life in a different way..and my pathetic attitude would nt let me tell them just how special evryone of them are to me..only guessing that they do..coming back to georges,it was an adventure by itself..never had to think there was nothing to do..i still wonder how i ran those 7km of crosscountry every day..amazing feat if performed now!!sneaking "grub" in to cottage,kneeling down,laughing our heads off with no qualms about tomorrow,all that gossiping,going "down the banks" to meet your boyfriends,pillow fights,gardening for all those who didnt clean up on sundays,shining cottage floors and not a single day went by when we didnt curse about shining..and i am here today thinking about what better school could i have gone to,and i have no answers as i cannot imagine life without all that georges has given me..and then came..st.johns which happened to me by chance and all i have to say about that place is "craziness" personified..in just 2 years time,i had learnt what i could nt have learnt in a lifetime..that life is how you look at it and how you make it!everyone i first considered enemies turned out to be my bestfriends who will always be special..and now in college,and i am the only one who went to a boarding school all my life out of all the 150 people in my class;you can only imagine how oddly i stand out..and looking back and thinking of all this only makes me wonder what i would nt do to relive all this,just one more time.funny that i can even say such good things about so many people and all these places..in life,only when you do not have all that you once had,only then do you know the luxury of all that was once yours..and everything sour is forgotten..only the sweetness of all that was,is cherished..boyfriends,the breakups,you go on to be bestfriends with a few and not-so-bestfriends with a few..but life goes on..and everything bad is forgotten.i am happy all this has happened to my life as i am able to sit here,laugh and cry about it today..and i am able to say i went to some of the finest boarding schools and have some very fine friends..what better way to live life!?i am lucky and always have been in every way i can possibly think of..i can only thank my parents today for not coming back and leaving me to fend for myself,so small,in a world so new...

day one-01.08.2008.

2008-07-31T06:01:00.000-07:00

i never got around to doin this for a very long time,although i intended to do so at some point...and its funny how i finally get down to it,after reading some random guy s blog(although he s extremely good i must say).i guess this is one way of letting it all go..setting it free..

31.july.2008

i can easily say i am at one of my life s lowest of low points at this very moment.hence,i might be very capable of sounding quite self-absorbed,writhing in self-pity.sometimes you never know and can never figure out what drives you to do the very same things you would not want to have to do.you just keep pushing everything that you should think about to the back of your head.you let it keep building up.finally when its too much to handle,when it gets to you,it fucking hurts..i dont really know if it is the pride in me or just the very essence of me which is so overbearing.driving myself to do the same things again and again,never learning,never wanting to look back and regret or accept that i ve made the wrong choices-like when i choose to act like the world is full of invisible people who i constantly wish would disappear.feel like i am suffering from some anxiety attack or some anti-social disorder..and i am slowly starting to think college is one of the biggest mistakes i have ever made....as it is turning me into some worthless-good-for-nothing-piece-of-shite!sadly...i dont think i m having one of those stereotype full-of-fun college times.but of course thanks to those numerous friends outside this craphole,who continue keeping me sane and afloat at most times.

P-mallu,but nothing like a mallu..gladly.went to middle school with him for like 5 years and never got around to even having one decent conversation with him.got to know him in a whirlwind of phone conversations.which may not be enough in truth,but he is still there to wake up and listen to my nightmares and also sadly laughs at my power of imagination.been through my best and my worst in the short period(say almost 2yrs) i knew him.talks so much sense sometimes,rather he sounds like he s right most of the time,that i dont really know what to make out of it sometimes.very smart in the head.sort of like the unexplored goldmine,if there is one.this guy actually looked up how to make a lollipop-joint(apparently this type gets you stoned better than the usual) online.enough said i am thinking.

Bm-known this one too for like the longest time ever,right from my hillwoods days(primary school).we went on to study together at middle school.he happened to be my ex-ex-boyfriends bestfriend,for a period of time.still didnt get to know him;went to college in like the same city and had a common friend living in his flat.and thats when it started.can never seem to get rid of him ever since.stuck with me through everything life threw at me.he has these weird philosophies about life which will make the smartest people think twice about their outlook on life.

R-quirky.LOUD.her brain has a direct connection to her oral cavity.whatever s on her mind is out there in the open for everyone to gape at.comes up with the most ridiculous notions like how would it be if all of us crawled instead of walked,how would it be if girls had penises..for example.she can get quite innovative sometimes.my constant companion ever since i was 12.

V-the only person who can make a joke about me AND get me to laugh about it.he somehow manages to get the goods,inspite of his almost 200pound kind-of-obese-self.very special.extremely funny,extremely affectionate,one person i cant stop loving.

i can move on in life..make new friends..live differently..but the point being..these are the few of the many more,who continue to make it all worth it.the good,the bad and the ugly.