Keep Your Chin Up

My story part 2

2011-04-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

So my high school years flew by in a blurry whirl. Don't really remember much except the bad times. Prom for instance no guy would ask me to prom so my mother set me up with another cops kid to go with me. We were friends and that's it. We didn't even make it threw pictures before we were off to the hotel party. Needless to say I couldn't tell you what happened. I do know I got in so much trouble cause somebody under age went to prom and came to the party left for some reason and wrecked. I of course got in trouble and had to cover for my date. I didn't know if he was driving or not even to this day it's still blurry. So after graduation the fun began. I thought oh yeah my life is beginning now. Boy did I take a wrong turn some where. I ended up screwing up so bad. Starting dating a guy from OK. He convinced me he loved me and I was so desperate for love and acceptance that I believed everything he said. So for some messed up reason I agreed to go to Oklahoma with him. Okay so this is the first experience with really poor that I have ever been in. I am talking no running water at all. We had to haul water up this mountain every couple of days. His whole family were nuts and here I am. They were big drinkers. So he decided to go for a drive in my car and rammed it into a tree. Not once but alot of times. So not only did I move to the land of crazy people, now I was stuck no car, no money. Oh but we had plenty of drugs and booze. One night he got so drunk he sold me to a friend for a six pack of beer.( I thought I was worth at least a 12 pack lol) So I told his parents I wanted to leave. Lucky for me his brother had come down for a visit from Branson, and I caught a ride back with nothing. So moved back in with my parents with my tail between my legs. Cause of course when I left I knew everything. He was going to marry me and we would live happily ever after. So I lived for a while with my parents till they couldn't stand my partying and coming in at 5am. They said I was to stopped if I was to live under there roof. Well I had great big ideas to leave. So I started living in my car along with my prom date and some others. We thought it was awesome till we sobered up, then it wasn't so great but I wasn't going back to my parents. Nope I was to proud.(ha) So my BF got a call from my mother telling her what was going on and of course she came all the way from IL to rescue me. She took me back with her and started getting my head on straight. Her poor husband didn't know what he was getting into. LOL We had some good times. So I got my own apartment in this 1800's house that had been split up. Well let's just say that we had been going to the bars. Not sure what was going on but either it was haunted or some one was screwing with us. So I ended up packing my shit, saying good bye to my BF and tucking my tail. So someone had this wonderful idea to have me move to Springfield to stay with my mom's friend as a roommate. Stay tuned for Part 3

My Story part 1

2011-04-04T11:08:00.000-07:00

Okay first and foremost I hate talking about this. My mom and dad said I should write a book. Ha.. I need to share this so here goes. Stay with me and don't judge me for what I have done. If you can't do this stop reading this now. So First you should know I had wonderful parents who tried. My mother was a police officer. When she wasn't at work she was helping my dad at his business. They were also firefighters. I was what they called a latch key kid. I grew up way to fast when I was 5 or 6 I could carry on a adult conversation and worked at my parents shop. Every morning my dad would take me to school but first we stopped and got donuts for my breakfast. Then off to school which being a poor over weight child was rough. I was lonely to the point that food became my friend. There started my addiction. So at a young age I learned I wasn't skinny and beautiful like all the other kids. I was never invited to birthday parties. I was always a outcast not only was I fat(strike 1) but i was in special education classes (strike 2) and we were poor(strike 3). Okay so my grandmother(god bless her) took me to a doctor while my parents were out of town. He diagnosed me with severe depression. So move on to age 12. I got my first job. I had money so here comes the sneaking of sweets. I would hide the wrappers and boxes of such under my bed. Mom and dad never checked my room. My addiction to food was growing to the point of my parents were locking up the good (sweets and fating foods). But I learned how to break in to the closet unfortunately that's also were the liquor was kept. My first drinking experience. I became a liar to everyone weather I needed to or not. By this time I felt like a outcast in my own family. I was always fighting with my parents. They didn't understand me at all. But I finally had two good friends.They both had problems at home. ( Sorry girls) I am not so sure they even then knew I had a problem. But I had a friend who was with me every weekend. (she still to this day is my best friend. You know who you r...) But then my life crumbled before me the start of my freshman year she was sent to IL to live with her sister. Oh hell I had to go into the lion's den by myself.. She was my safety net. She was my bubble that protected me from all the mean words and actions of the kids. I continued to take comfort in the wonderful feelings I had with sugar and fatty foods. It was my one true friend that never left me. That summer I got my first car and learned how to sneak out. I started to seek out friends in all the wrong circles. They were outcasts to. They drank,smoked cigarettes and weed. If I wanted to fit in with them then I also had to do this. I found out that I could hide it real well from everyone including myself. (Boy did I have a problem.) It didn't help that I never got busted,( when I did get stopped they let me go because of my mom) that made me cool with my so called friends. I went to school still buzzed from the night before and on the way to school I would do some more. I was numb and that's the feeling I always wanted and needed. I HATE the words YOU WOULD BE SO PRETTY IF YOU WOULD JUST LOSE SOME WEIGHT. I heard it from my family and my teachers. They all thought it would help me. My weight wasn't my only issue that I had... stay tuned for part 2

My Husband's 7th Sobriety Birthday

2011-03-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

Hey guys and gals. So i decided to share some of our story we have been married 14 years and for 7 years I lived in the hell of addiction (both of us). After we got on the right track in sobriety and with God, my awesome husband wrote this poem in 2004. It's also his 7th year clean today. I felt I needed to share this poem with all of you reading this. Hope you read it and finish.

Love to all Becky

THIS IS WHAT I SEE

I sit right across from you and breath the same air

I have the same eye color, same face, same hair

We look at each other with that same empty stare

I can't stand to look at you anymore, but still I can't look away

Why do I deal with you day after day

I know I have to be rid of you, I know I can't stay

So I'm smashing this mirror and running away

THIS IS WHAT I AM

As I'm running away something burns inside like a fire

It flows through my veins and makes me feel higher

It's burning my soul, now was this my desire

You see I'm a junkie, a dealer, a theif and a liar

I have built my castle upon the lives I've destroyed

But my castle's empty and haunted by ghosts of those which I've toyed

And now my death is imminent, my sentence has been deployed

THIS IS HOW I FEEL

I'm dying you see and I need a way out, so I look up to the stars

As they shine into my darkness, I see they are to far

So I raise up my hands to the sky and say"whoever you are"

I'm stuck in a hole, it's dark and I'm scared

And I can't give you any reason why I should be spared

Hey, are you listening, take me or save me, are you hearing impared

Idon't know why I should expect your help, no one else has ever cared

THIS IS WHAT I NEED

Nothing but death, destruction, cages and tears

This all sounds like self-pity, self-delusion and constant fear

But this is what I've dealt with for 17 years

So I need a way out, I need your direction

I'm being attacked on all sides and I need your protection

Take the pain inside I need this dissection

But more than anything love me, please, I need your affection

THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO OFFER

I can't offer you much in return only my life, my heart, my soul

Maybe I could follow you through hell to snacth up survivors from the coals

I'll claim you as my leader till the day I grow old

I will march with you into battle standing side by side

And the laws you lay down for me, these I'll abide

So when you call on me to do work, I'll never again run and hide

Then I can bring unto you millons with arms open wide

THIS IS MY HOPE

So if you teach me how to feel

There's a chance one day I'll feel something so real

And if I wake up tomorrow I gues it's a deal

Then I'll owe you a debt I could never repay

For graciously giving me life, instead of the death I lived yesterday

So I'll hit my knees, look to the heavens and say

Thank you my loving father, my prince of peace in your arms I will forever stay

By Billy Hofler 2004

MY HUSBAND

2011-03-07T19:46:00.000-08:00

Everyone has problems in their lives right now. I am no different then anyone else. My husband's doctor decided he need surgery right away. So off we went to St. Johns. 1st thing you must know is my husband hates doctors and hospitals. So he was already not happy about this. We show up at 7:30 am and they start processing him. He is in really good spirits and a total smart ass.(normal) The nurse asks him if he has a living will or power of medical whatever.. He is like no why do I need one..I am like yeah unless you want to be hooked to a machine to live. On the real side I know his wishes but do not want a fight with my in-laws on his wishes. So he fills it out protesting the whole time about voice of doom and asking for the worst. So they take him back and tell me he should be out in 1hour total. I was like that's awesome. Went down and got a coffee and came back up and the TV were you keep track of your family said still in OR. So I go and sit and wait some more 10,20,30 minutes go by and I go look to the all great and powerful TV screen status is still in OR. Okay so we are officially over the time. Great like I am not nervous enough. 15 minutes go by I carry my pager with ( did I tell you they give you a pager) me downstairs to the gift shop and coffee house. Granted anywhere you go its at least a 1/2 mile to get there. So I do some shopping and get another coffee then head back upstairs so now its been 2 hours and I call once again my mother and sister in-law(like the 50th time each) so they can help me stay calm. I am so use to being the patient not the family waiting for news. So once again I make an appearance in front of the TV status still in OR okay so now its not a good sign. I start to get really upset so I make my calls yes again.. Check the screen status OR really really it hasn't changed in 2 1/2 hours. I must start again asking questions. Blue Ladies please tell me whats going on with my husband, oh you need his name again (like they haven't heard it a lot). Oh okay so you are his wife, well the doctor wants you to wait for him in this tiny little room so he can speak with you. He could be 15 minutes. Great more waiting...Okay I am running out to the TV screen again no change and running back to the room.(don't want to miss the doctor) Finally the doctor makes his appearance in my little room (by this time I am having a panic attack not knowing all) He says Your husband stopped breathing(what) will the surgery itself took 15 minutes the rest of the time was spent trying to keep him breathing. He stopped 3 times. 3 times God brought him back. Okay so of course then they take him to ICU for 1 1/2 hours(still haven't seen him) Finally after 5 venti cups of strong coffee and 4.5 hours later I get to see my soul mate the love of my life. AHHHH I can breathe again he is alive and still a smart ass. Thank you God.... So when we tell him what happens he says its cause of the bad karma from the living will arghhhhhh. Still very happy...:)

GOD 1 DEVIL 0

courage

2011-02-12T14:45:00.000-08:00

Every time I go to a doctor they love to change my medications. Every time they change my medications there is more side effects. More side effects more pain, illness, stomach problems etc. Always changing, always sick. Never the same. When people ask me how I am, do they really want to know? I have stopped sharing how I am cause its the same poor you look. I would love my answer to be I am pain FREE and sick FREE. But alas I can not say this. Don't get me wrong I have my good days. But none when my body and mind are perfect. I miss the days when there were no pills, no shots, and no nasty liquid. I miss the pain free days. Through my illness I have learned humility, patience and to have courage. I have meet some really wonderful people threw my disease. I have grown because of my illness.

Life is a Courage

Courage to do something extraordinary,
Courage to fight with diseases,

Courage to make people stand on their own,

Courage to believe in someone,

Courage to fight against all odds.
BY Suruchi Puri

Psa 31:24
Be strong, and let your heart take courage, All ye that hope in Jehovah.

I have lupus. Lupus does not have me.

2011-02-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

In the 1950's the five year survival rate for lupus patients was only 50%... one out of two patients. Lupus was considered a "death sentence".

By the 1990's the 10 year survival rate had been hovering at 90% and the 20 year survival rate at 70%.
I am close to hitting the three year mark. (Although many lupus patient can tell you they have had lupus for YEARS before receiving a confirmed diagnosis).

I totally and completely forgot to enjoy life for quite awhile after the diagnosis was confirmed.

You grieve.

Just like when someone you love dies, you grieve.

But, with lupus, there is no moment of finality... no funeral, no grave to visit.

You grieve for what you have lost due to the disease.

Many lupus patients lose friendships. We lose our careers, we lose financial security, we lose marriages, we lose our independence, we even lose our sense of who we are.

And all of this loss isn't bundled up into a Hollywood movie moment where we sigh, cry and move on...

The grief is complicated because what brings the suffering on is so unpredictable.

So enjoying life is a rather scary leap of faith.

If we allow ourselves to ENJOY we are risking losing that time of ENJOYING to feeling more deeply the pain of loss that could revisit us at the most unexpected moments.

To "enjoy the pleasure of being alive" when you have been hit with a chronic disease that is as unpredictable as a raging bull....

Well, that takes a load of courage.

Depression?
Heck, I can deal with that. I have lived with depression so thoroughly for so long... it feels normal.

But, to let myself go and risk feeling pleasure... to feel pure joy...that requires courage.

I think I have known for a long time that when our hearts have been profoundly broken with deep sorrow... something inside us breaks through to allow us to feel the deepest liberating joy too.

So today I am going to surrender to joy.

Things I Have Done

2011-02-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

Shot a gun

Gone on a blind date

Skipped school

Watched someone die

Watch a baby being born

Been to Canada

Been on a cruise

Been to more than 45 states

Been to Mexico

Been on a plane

Been lost

Swam in the Ocean really only waded!!

Cried yourself to sleep

Recently colored with crayons

Sang Karaoke

Paid for a meal with coins only

Made prank phone calls

Laughed until some beverage came out of your nose

Laughed until you cried

Caught a snowflake on your tongue

Danced in the rain

Written a letter to Santa Claus

Written a letter to a stranger.

Been kissed under the mistletoe

Watched the sunrise with someone

Blown bubbles

Camped out under the stars

Seen something so beautiful that it took your breath away

Got married

Have children I have two 4-legged ones

Have done illegal drugs. Lots
Been skinny dipping outdoors

Been fishing

Been boating

Been Hiking

Been camping in a trailer/RV or tent

Flown in a small 2 or 4-seater airplane

Been flying in a helicopter

Been flying in a hot air balloon

Gone to a drive-in movie

Done something that should have killed me.

Done something that you will regret (feel sad about) for the rest of your life

Eaten just cookies for dinner

Been in a car accident .To many

Got Piercings and Tattoos

Been left at a Wal-mart in Florida with no money, ID or clothes.

This is just a start on what I have done. LOL

I know

2011-01-30T10:02:00.000-08:00

I am not sure who I am. I am not sure who I want to be. I am 38 and still don't know the answers to these little questions. (Will I ever?) Here is what I do know...I know I am Beautiful. I know that I am loved. I know I am a great loving wife. I am a wonderful bestie. I am a good daughter. I am tired of being in pain. I am sick of being sick. I want a cure for Lupus. I am tired of being mean to the ones I love the most when I am sick. I know I love my stewie. I know I hate cleaning. I know my faults( to many to mention). I know my heart is over flowing for the love of others. I know I love you all...

Love and Peace Becky

Spay Day 2011 Online Pet Photo Contest

2011-01-30T07:58:00.000-08:00

Spay Day 2011 Online Pet Photo Contest

10 Things You May Not Know

2011-01-29T10:38:00.000-08:00

1. If you asked me my favorite movie. I would have a hard time not saying Titanic.(I know, I know)

2. I don't understand what people see in the Godfather trilogy.

3. I eat pizza with a fork.

4. I have Lupus
5. I have a loud mouth. (maybe you did know that)

6. I have a huge heart for animals and cry uncontrollably whenever I see animal cruelty. I cry every time the ASPCA commercial comes on.

7. I am addicted to-purses.

8. I love baking 9. I am a control freak (hence I wont let Billy drive lol) 10. I love to read. I am in love with my Kindle 3G

FAT

2011-01-29T07:11:00.000-08:00

I’m so tired of people staring at me.

You’d think I would be used to it by now, but I’m not.

Don’t get my wrong… I can handle quite a bit of staring. I am fat I know this and have always known this. I actually think some people believe if they point out the obvious it will help me to lose the weight. Its like the old saying "you have such a pretty face if you would just lose the weight." Really. Really.

It’s just that every once and a while I think I’m entitled to a blow-up!

1st blog

2011-01-28T16:15:00.000-08:00

Recognize that you cannot change other people. If someone you care about has a problem, don't make it your problem. Just listen and be there.

Love and Peace

Becky

SERENITY

2011-01-28T14:59:00.000-08:00

Footprints

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

Keep Your Chin Up

My story part 2

My Story part 1

My Husband's 7th Sobriety Birthday

MY HUSBAND

courage

I have lupus. Lupus does not have me.

Things I Have Done

I know

Spay Day 2011 Online Pet Photo Contest

10 Things You May Not Know

FAT

1st blog

SERENITY

Footprints

Just had to share this with you.