keeping an eye out

SAVE ME A SEAT IN HELL, GUYS

2007-03-15T22:00:00.000-05:00

PEOPLE I HAVE OUTLIVED

Barring some sort of ironic tragedy before the end of the month, I will turn 43. With this birthday I will have officially outlived Elvis.

Others I have now outlived:

SID VICIOUS, 21, OVERDOSE
BUDDY HOLLY,22, PLANE CRASH
LEE HARVEY OSWALD, 24, GUNSHOTS
JOHN KEATS, 25, TUBERCULOSIS
GRAM PARSONS, 26, OVERDOSE
ROBERT JOHNSON, 27, UNKNOWN CAUSES
JIM MORRISON, 27, PROBABLE OVERDOSE
JIMI HENDRIX, 27, OVERDOSE
BRIAN JONES, 27, DROWNED ("DEATH BY MISADVENTURE)
JANIS JOPLIN, 27, OVERDOSE
KURT COBAIN, 27, COURTNEY LOVE
JEAN MICHEL BASQUIAT, 27, OVERDOSE
STEPHEN CRANE, 28, TUBERCULOSIS
DJ SCREW, 29, OVERDOSE
HANK WILIAMS, 29, ALCOHOL, MORPHINE
KEITH MOON, 32, OVERDOSE
BILL HICKS, 32, CANCER
JOHN BELUSHI, 33, OVERDOSE
CHRIS FARLEY, 33, OVERDOSE
LESTER BANGS, 33, OVERDOSE
JESUS CHRIST, 33, OVERDOSE, I MEAN, EXECUTION
JIMMIE RODGERS, 35, TUBERCULOSIS
ANDY KAUFMAN, 35, CANCER
MITCH HEDBERG, 37, OVERDOSE
VAN GOGH, 37, SUICIDE
DYLAN THOMAS, 37, ALCOHOL POISONING
SAM KINISON, 39, CAR CRASH
FLANNERY O'CONNOR, 39, LUPUS
DENNIS WILSON, 39, DROWNING ("DEATH BY MISADVENTURE")
JOHN LENNON, 40, MURDERED
LENNY BRUCE, 40, OVERDOSE
CHARLIE PATTON, 42, UNKNOWN CAUSES

and, of course, ELVIS, 42, "Multiple Drug Toxicity" which would be an "overdose" for the rest of us.

I'll see you guys soon enough.

If 27 and 33 didn't get me, I think I'm good for another few years. Also, I'm pretty sure Tuberculosis and Lupus aren't going to get me. Maybe "Death by Hamster"?

2007-03-14T06:12:00.000-05:00

VOICES IN MY HEAD ALL HUNG UP ABOUT THAT GIRL I KILLED

Won't shut up about her no matter how many times I bash my head against this solid-oak door frame.

"Why'd you choke her, why'd you choke her, she sure was pretty, why'd you wrap your nasty hands around her pale, pale throat and choke the life from her lithe young body before rolling her nude corpse into a hastily dug shallow grave, huh? why why why..." On and on with this holier-than-thou shit. Enough already, or I'll kill you, too!

An illustration provided to make this post even more disturbing.

2007-03-14T05:46:00.000-05:00

STUPID CHICK WITH BLOG BUYS CAMERA PHONE, INTENDS TO USE IT "SO EVERYBODY CAN SEE THE NEAT FUN THINGS I SEE--LIKE THAT ADORABLE CAT-PILLOW OVER THERE"

"Oh, shit," said a friend when informed of the recent purchase.

ENGLISH LIT 101

2007-03-14T05:33:00.000-05:00

STEINBECK'S CLASSIC "OF MICE AND MEN" REPLACES HEMINGWAY'S TIMELESS "OLD MAN AND THE SEA" UNDER WOBBLY TABLE LEG

2007-03-14T02:51:00.000-05:00

BOYFRIEND TEXT MESSAGES STUFF HE'D NEVER ACTUALLY SAY
DERRICK SKITHADDLEBAD, 22, ROUTINELY TEXT MESSAGES "THINGS HE'D NEVER SAY FACE TO FACE IN A MILLION YEARS," ACCORDING TO GIRLFRIEND JANE ROBINS, 20.

"THIS IS A GUY WHO NEVER, EVER SAYS I LOVE YOU, AND HE'S UNCOMFORTABLE SHOWING THE SLIGHTEST PHYSICAL AFFECTION IN PUBLIC, BUT EVERY OTHER TEXT IS SOMETHING VAGUELY EMOTIONAL LIKE, 'MISS YA BABE' OR 'LUV YA' OR 'DEAR GOD I CANNOT LOSE YOU BECAUSE MY LIFE WOULD FALL APART AND DEEP DOWN I'M A VERY INSECURE LITTLE BOY AND I'LL DRINK POISON OR TURN GAY WITHOUT YOU.' I MEAN, WHY CAN'T HE JUST SAY THIS STUFF TO ME."

THE STUDIOUS, SOMEWHAT STUFFY SKITHADDLEBAD ALSO HAS A TOURETTE'S-LIKE COMPULSION TO SEND RANDOM MESSAGES OUT-OF-CONTEXT, ACCORDING TO ROBINS.

"LIKE EARLIER TODAY, HE SENDS ME THIS TEXT THAT SAID, AND I QUOTE, 'LUBE UP THE POOP CHUTE.' AND FOR A MINUTE, I THOUGHT, WOW, MAYBE HE FEELS LIKE, YOU KNOW, EXPERIMENTING IN THE BEDROOM OR SOMETHING. HE'S KINDA, WELL, BORING IN THAT REGARD. BUT ANYWAY, TURNS OUT SOME GUY AT THE SHOP WHERE HE WORKS SAID IT AND HE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY OR SOMETHING. NOW I'M OUT $10 BUCKS FOR THIS TUBE OF ANAL-EZE I PICKED UP ON THE WAY HOME."

TRUE TALES OF CITY LIFE

2007-03-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting at the bus stop today, minding my own business, trying hard not to look like someone who actually takes the bus, when this well-dressed fellow sits next to me on the bench.

"I saw you eating a salad." he says. Abruptly. Out of the blue.

"Hmm," I say, wittily. "I don't think that was me." I haven't had a salad in months--years, if you're one of those self-important pricks who don't consider macaroni and cheese a salad.

"Those things will give you a bad case of the runs," he concludes. Abruptly.

I resume my "The bus? Oh, hell no, I'm just waiting for my supermodel wife to pull the Humvee around so we can get this whole Coronation thing over with" pose, but I'm mildly shaken.

How did he know I had the runs?

Eerie.

2007-03-05T23:25:00.000-06:00

GEICO CAVEMEN GETTING A SITCOM

OK, SO LONG AS MR. MUCUS AND DIGGER THE DERMATOPHYTE DON'T END UP AS SATURDAY MORING CARTOONS, I'M COOL

Animated toenail goblins just don't do it for me. Ya know?

HELP NEEDED

2007-02-26T00:38:00.000-06:00

I am currently involved in a research project and need photos of naked strangers, preferably female, or females engaged with males in various stages of copulation, up to and including anal sodomy performed on a marching band. If you have any clear, unstained photos of naked strangers, or are yourself a stranger, and naked, please send any and all photos, videos, plaster impressions, or unwashed undergarments to me, care of this blog. Thank you.

One Man's Simple Wish...

2007-02-25T07:04:00.000-06:00

ALL I WANT FROM LIFE IS FOR ASHLEY JUDD TO SUCK MY BALLS

Is that asking so much?

RANDOM BLASPHEMY, VOL. 16

2007-02-25T04:49:00.000-06:00

JESUS ADMITS HE "HASN'T DONE A GODDAMNED THING" LAST 2000 YEARS

"BEEN CRASHED ON THE COUCH IN DAD'S DEN" SINCE DARK AGES, CONFESSES THE LORD AND PERSONAL SAVIOR OF MILLIONS. "FUCK MAN, THERE'S NOTHIN' TO DO UP HERE. HELL IS WHERE THE ACTION IS. LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY--HELL GOT ANNA NICOLE SMITH, WE GOT HER FUCKIN' SON. SHIT, MAN. SHIT."

CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE THAT BEER IS BAD FOR YOU

2007-02-25T03:42:00.000-06:00

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

LANE BRYANT AD KINDA TURNING ME ON

GOD HELP ME, I TOUCHED MYSELF

TWO MORE BEERS AND I'LL BE HERE

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

2007-02-25T02:15:00.000-06:00

I FUCKING LOVE THIS GUY

WARNING: APPROXIMATELY FOUR MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK!

NOT FUNNY OR ANYTHING, BUT COOL IF YOU ASK ME

2007-02-25T01:56:00.000-06:00

HANK WILLIAMS AND JUNE CARTER, 1952

He died a year later, which means he's 28 in this video. 28?

2007-02-25T01:03:00.000-06:00

LIFE OF MALE HONEYBEE, MINE NOT MUCH DIFFERENT

DRONES are the male honeybees and are large burly clumsy creatures with hairy bodies and large eyes. They develop from unfertilized eggs and their only function is to mate with young queens. After mating the drones die or are killed. They have no sting and are unable to defend themselves against females who ruthlessly force them out of the hive when there is a scarcity of food and at the start of the winter period.

Hell, remove the word "winter" from that last sentence and there you have them: my memoirs.

TRAGICALLY IRONIC NEARLY

2007-02-25T00:53:00.000-06:00

AL GORE SUFFERING "GLOBAL BLOATING"

ENDOCRINOLOGISTS FEAR THAT "UNLESS HE STOPS WANTONLY CONSUMING THE PLANET'S RESOURCES," GORE'S TERRIFYING EXPANSION WILL CONTINUE UNABATED

___________________

KINDA HOPE THIS IS TRUE

2007-02-25T00:01:00.000-06:00

IGNORED BOYFRIEND STRUMS GUITAR IN BEDROOM, OOZES FORLORN SENSITIVITY"You go ahead and ignore me, act all cold and pissed-off, see if I care. I'm creative and sensitive, can't you see that? Listen as I strum these heart-wrenching chords. Hear my aching soul reach out to the stars for inspiration. Weep as I--Goddamnit!--look at me in here! I'm an ARTIST or something, for fuck's sake! Fine. Fuck you. I'm outta here..."

Hey, the collar matches the cuffs...

2007-02-23T17:48:00.000-06:00

BRITNEY'S NEWLY SHAVEN HEAD NOW FITS EVEN MORE SNUGLY UP HER OWN ASS

"A DAB OF VASELINE" AND IT SLIPS THROUGH THE SINGER'S SPHINCTER WITH EASE

" I GOT THE IDEA FROM KEVIN, Y'ALL," SAYS THE FORMER POP-STAR

IT'S A RECORD, FOLKS

2007-02-23T11:30:00.000-06:00

Anne Nicole Smith's Body Has Gone 5 Days Without a Penis Inside It.

LONGEST DRY-SPELL SINCE SIXTH-GRADE FOR DEAD BLONDE BOMBSHELL/WHORE

AMAZING WHAT A HAIRCUT AND MICRODERMABRASION CAN DO.

2006-10-26T21:53:00.000-05:00

GEORGE CLOONEY ADMITS TO HAVING PLASTIC SURGERY

TOP PHOTO: CLOONEY BEFORE "LIFE-CHANGING" NOSE JOB

2006-10-23T23:50:00.000-05:00

NORTH KOREA DETONATES ANOTHER "NUCLEAR BOMB"

"JUST WAIT UNTIL WE ALL JUMP UP AND DOWN AT THE SAME TIME--THE EARTH WILL TREMBLE AT OUR STRENGTH!" PRONOUNCED GREAT GLORIOUS LEADER KIM-JONG-IL

More Tragedy for Steve Irwin's Family

2006-10-16T21:02:00.000-05:00

STEVE IRWIN'S DAUGHTER KILLED IN FREAK HAMSTER ATTACK
SHE WAS TAPING EPISODE OF HER UPCOMING ANIMAL SHOW FOR KIDS; "ONE MOMENT SHE WAS CUDDLING THIS CUTE LITTLE RODENT, THE NEXT MINUTE IT WAS GNAWING A HOLE IN HER NECK"

HAMSTER CHEWED THROUGH HER JUGULAR VEIN; EVIDENCE SUGGESTS SHE WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED AS WELL

IRONICALLY, SHE "HATED" HAMSTERS; "BLIMEY, MATE, SHE COULDN'T STAND THE VICIOUS FUCKERS," SAID A SOURCE CLOSE TO THE IRWIN FAMILY

2006-07-27T22:05:00.000-05:00

MADAME TUSSAUD'S DISPLAYS WAX VERSION OF BABY SHILOH JOLIE-PITT

WAX FIGURE HAS "MORE PERSONALITY THAN HER DAD," SAY THOSE WHO'VE SEEN IT.

SAY IT AINT SO....

2006-07-27T19:32:00.000-05:00

THIS GUY IS GAY?

I AM STUNNED. STUNNED, I TELL YA.

I WANT YOUR SEX (AND HIS. AND HEY, HIS, TOO.)

2006-07-23T17:27:00.000-05:00

"MEGA-RICH pop superstar George Michael this week sank to new levels of depravity—trawling for illegal gay sex in a London park.
News of the World investigators caught the singer red-handed and red-faced as he emerged from the bushes after cavorting with a pot-bellied, 58-year-old, jobless van driver."

GEORGE MICHAEL CAUGHT HAVING SEX IN WOODS WITH THIS GUY...

...AND THESE GUYS...

...AND THESE GUYS.

2006-07-23T14:32:00.000-05:00

NAOMI CAMPBELL ATTACKS, BRUTALLY SLAYS 27 PARTYGOERS OUTSIDE NYC NIGHTCLUB

"SHE COULDN'T GET A CAB," SAYS WOUNDED EYEWITNESS. "SHE SEEMED ANGRY."

ARMED WITH CELL PHONE, HIGH HEELED SHOE, MODEL BEATS VICTIMS TO DEATH, FLEES SCENE ON FOOT.

MANHUNT UNDERWAY.