Keeping It Real With Ruth

Real Answer to "My Kids Are Hitting Each Other"

2010-03-16T17:16:00.001-07:00

To Anonymous Mom, Chandler AZ ...

When our children are fighting, it affects us as well as it does them - perhaps moreso. However, the most important thing we can do is allow them to settle disputes between themselves, without intervening or being pulled in to referee. Yes, we are the parents, and it's our job to keep our children safe. However, if you have a child that is an instigator trying to bait a sibling for a fight, the instigator needs to learn there are consequences to "pushing someone's buttons." That's real life! Here are some guidelines:

1) Intervene if life or limb are in danger; no bloodshed allowed. Otherwise, your children should understand that you expect them to resolve it themselves. Of course, the ages of the kids should be considered. Kids in the early childhood years are still learning what is and isn't appropriate. Using the "Uh Oh Song" and strategic time- outs should be helpful at this stage once you are certain your child knows what he or she is doing or has done. As kids get older, they need to understand that even when one adult hits another, there is a consequence (legal, physical, or both).

As for tattling ... When there's a dispute, and one child come to you to tattle on the other, you can ask "Why are you telling me?" or "What do you think should happen because you told me?" This is a good opportunity to help a child learn to take responsibility for his or her own actions by asking questions that promote discussion about the tattler's behavior instead of the sibling's.

If you see them fighting (verbally or otherwise), you can say (calmly), "Please settle this somewhere else where I don't have to see it or hear it." Of course, you're going to keep your ears tuned to make sure no one gets seriously hurt. But remember, no one hits or provokes without expecting a response; even a kid. This is not promoting violence. We shouldn't hit one another. However, some of us don't learn that lesson until we hit the wrong person.

2) If your children are fighting, they may need help identifying their feelings. This is your opportunity to teach and train. Teach them how to identify feelings, and then they can learn different ways to handle those feelings.

3) Always use "I- or Me-Messages." When our children learn from our example of how to take care of themselves, there is less resentment towards us because we are ordering them around less. It's difficult for them to process our intervention when we say, "It's for your own good," when they had their own ideas about how they wanted to react. You can say, "Fights make me antsy," or "Hey guys, this stuff makes my eyeballs ache, " or "Fighting hassles my eardrums." Whenever you can inject some dry humor, do so as you're not being sarcastic.

4) Try making a contract that the family agrees to, with consequences for those who break the agreement. Contractual agreements exist in the real world, and when adults are in breach of a contract, there are consequences. This is the point where restitution applies. The agreement can simply state that fighting drains evergy out of the family. When someone drains energy by fighting, there are specific chores (list them somewhere) to put energy back into the family. These chores should be challenging and benefit the family, like scrubbing walls, organizing the garage, cleaning the grout in the kitchen ... you get the point. After a couple of instances where a child had to "put energy back into the family" all a parent might have to say is, "Kylie, I feel an energy drain coming," and Kylie will adjust her behavior immediately. Does that count as a warning (Love and Logic parents don't warn or threaten)? Not really, because sometimes when we're wrapped up in our own thoughts and actions, we're unaware of how we're affecting others. This statement is simply meant to draw the kid's attention to the fact they don't live in a vacuum. Yelling "Stop fighting!" rarely, if ever, works.

Thanks for asking.

Sincerely,
Ruth, Keeping It Real

"My Kids Are Hitting Each Other"

2010-03-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

My question is on how to deal with fighting amongst siblings. I know the general theory is to let them deal with it on their own. But, when my older son is punching his little sister and inflicting pain I’m not sure that is the way to handle it (even though often she is the instigator…). What we typically do is try to model to them how to use words when they are upset with each other, and model how to show compassion. That has worked with one of our sons in dealing with his sister, but not his brother who resorts to problem solving with hitting.

- Anonymous Mom, Chandler AZ

Are Your Kids Entitled? - Part Two

2010-02-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

You may be thinking, "Okay. Now that I know a little about how Americans have become so 'entitled,' how is this going to help me raise my kids differently?" That's a great question! Acknowledging that a problem exists is only the beginning. How do you start to make a change? As the former King of Pop said it, you've got to start "with the man in the mirror!"

That's right. The first place you start to help your children learn "good lessons," is to teach them BY EXAMPLE. Kids will do what you do way before they do what you say! The funny thing is, most parents don't recognize that their kids are doing what they do because kids are usually less inhibited, more animated, and tend to generalize. Thus, they do what you do "to the nth power." Yes, it's true. You might be startled when they do or say something and ask them, "Where did you get that from?" However, nine times out of ten, especially during the early childhood years (birth through six years old).

Anyone who has been a parent for any length of time can testify to the fact that usually the most humiliating moments of parenting emanate from the moments when they mimic us in public ... and it seems they usually choose to demonstrate this remarkable talent at church, school events, and in front of judgmental family members and acquaintances - RIGHT?! Come on, you feel me, don't ya!

So, in order to determine what your child is really learning, you have to start by paying attention! When they do or say something you feel compelled to correct, ask yourself, "How and when do I do the same thing (or something similar)?" "When do I feel entitled?" "How do I respond when my sense of entitlement is strongest?" "Do I embrace my my sense of entitlement and consumerism to the point where I act as though credit cards a necessity?" "Do I often say things like 'I got a right ...'?" You get the idea.

We can't just look at our kids as though they live in a vacuum. We affect them. You want to raise your kids to have less of a sense of entitlement? Start with yourself!

There's more to come on entitlement ...

In the meantime, if you have questions or comments, please post them here and I'll make sure the answer you get is just ...

Ruth - Keeping it Real

Begin the New Year With Love .... and Logic!

2010-01-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

Many parents who have strong religious beliefs tend to view the Love and Logic® philosophy as an unloving way to raise children. Nothing could be further from the truth. Love and Logic® works precisely because there's so much love involved in the philosophy; thus... why "Love" is the first word in the trademarked program.

Why do people feel this way? Well, honestly, most parents believe they need to control their children or be in control of their children in order for their children to learn to obey. After all, obedience is paramount in parenting, right? "Our kids must obey!"

If obedience is paramount, and we're supposed to control our kids, why didn't God just make us obey Him? He could have; it's not like He couldn't. Why didn't He? Perhaps God didn't do that because He wanted us to choose to obey; instead of being compliant robots.

When someone is controlling you, how loved do you feel? Don't you feel manipulated? Do you feel respected, loved, valued, or appreciated? Probably not.

God gives us a choice. God gives us many choices. In fact, all of our lives involve choices we must make every day. If that's how God "raises His children," why would it be unloving for us to follow His example?

Many exclaim, "But, if I give my 3 year old a choice that will endanger him, how is that loving?!" Love and Logic® doesn't advocate that, nor do they purport that. That's why God gave your 3 year old you! It's your job to protect your child from danger. But, it's not your job to protect him from the choices he might make that will go badly while the price tag is small. If we rob our children of the opportunities to learn from their own mistakes, how will that help them prepare for the real world? It won't.

Do you stop your 3 year old from choosing to step off the curb into traffic? YES! Do you stop your 3 year old from spending the $5 he got for his birthday on a toy that will break in 2 hours? No. Why? You don't because it's a great opportunity to learn about money at a very early age. "Can a 3 year old learn that lesson?" you ask. Yes, he can! Will he fully understand the value of a dollar? No. Will he think twice before he spends his money on another toy in the future? Yes. Why? They can remember. My Maltese puppy learned to pee outside in 6 weeks. I'm sure your 3 year old is smarter than my dog. Aren't you?

Start 2010 with love and add some logic. Remember: From the time your kids are born, you set them up to win by gradually weaning them off of you. Love your kids enough to allow them to make mistakes when the price tag is small, so they will make less of them when the price tag is huge. Otherwise you run the risk of raising an adult child who chooses to enroll in "The School of Hard Knocks." No parent wants that.

-Ruth, Keeping It Real

Times are Tight ... Teach Kids About Money

2009-12-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

When do you teach your kids about money? As soon as they're old enough to realize that they need money to get the things they want, and their parents have the money, they are old enough to learn.

I subscribe to the Love and Logic® Parenting philosophy, so if you're looking for specifics from the experts of today, go to www.loveandlogic.com and check out the book entitled Millionaire Babies or Bankrupt Brats,by Jim Fay and Kristan Leatherman.

In light of the economic crisis we're enduring in the United States, it's vital that we not only learn from our mistakes, but that we share the experience with our children. If you have to cut back, everyone cuts back - and explain why (concisely), being candid about your poor choices. All too often mom and dad forego satisfying basic needs so that the child can "enjoy their childhood." This is a poor example of parenting and reinforces a detrimental message of entitlement to the child.

Mom and Dad can and will make mistakes. Don't view financial strain as a time to feel guilty and enable your child to be a victim. Instead, consider it an opportune time to discuss how our decisions can inadvertantly affect others, as well as ourselves. Then collaborate with them to discover ways they can help the family get through the lean times. Yes, the lack of funds may not be their doing; but they do enjoy the privileges and advantages that accompany prosperity. You're all in it together, so get through it together. As you learn, teach them.

In the meantime, here are some tips from the Love and Logic® Institute's Millionaire Babies or Bankrupt Brats, :

"Parents who share their financial stories, both triumphs and failures, raise kids who learn about the day-to-day relationship between money and life."

"Wise parents give allowance when they can afford it, and model restrainst when their financial circumstances change."

"Wise parents don't pay their kids for completing chores."

"Praising kids excessivesly - for nothing and for everything - creates future adults who feel both fragile and entitled."

"Wise parents teach their children the difference between needs and wants. Delayed gratification is vital preparation for a successful adult life."

"Kids who are taught to delay gratification now, learn to avoid the temptation of instant gratification later."

"Wise parents are careful not to addict their kids to a lifestyle they won't be able to afford as adults."

"Kids who frequently practive borrowing and repaying loans when young rarely experience bankruptcy as adults."

"Kids who experience how debt can affect the quality of their lives when young tend to avoid the devastating effects of excess debt as adults."

"Wise parents never pay their kids to do a job when the neighbor kids are willing to do it better ... and for less."

"Wise parents know that it is not in their kid's best interest to pay them for good grades."

"Wise parents remember that their kids may well be the ones to manage their future finances and pick their retirement home."

When we don't take the time to consider the messages - spoken and unspoken - we send our kids about money, we're not setting them up to win as adults in the real world. The only way to do this is by example. As the King of Pop said, start with "the man in the mirror." Kids are more likely to do what you do than to do what you say. Are you living within your means? How does instant gratification play out in your own spending habits? How well can you distinguish between a need and want?

Thanks for reading. Be sure to post your questions and comments here.

-Ruth, Keeping it Real

Are Your Kids Grateful or Entitled?

2009-10-07T13:02:00.000-07:00

When we look at the youth of today, it's difficult to imagine that they will one day be the doctors, managers, lawyers, judges, manufacturers, or inventors of tomorrow. Look around you .... They have poor social skills, manners, initiative ... When was the last time you saw a young cashier know HOW to count back change? A young girl hem her skirt? A young man repair his own bicycle? It seems as though they have a strong sense of entitlement, without the strength of character, responsibility, skills, discipline, and productivity to earn anything. This is fairly prevalent in the USA now. Why? In the Bible, Galatians 6:7 says, "A man reaps what he sows." So, let's briefly explore a few obvious events (simplified) in this country's past to reveal some REALities we're facing today ....
As America transformed from being primarily agricultural to an industry-driven nation, the economy changed. Once things became massed-produced, people no longer grew and made what they needed; they bought it. America was no longer subsisting; we were producing, exporting and importing. As the nation grew, technologically and economically, we became consumers; we would buy well-crafted items and "use them up" - replacing them when they were no longer useful. Gradually we came to rely on many of these inventions. Eventually, people began to purchases big-ticket items, usually appliances or furniture, "on time" (today's "lay-away"). This is when there seems to have been an enormous shift in spending habits .... people were spending money they hadn't yet earned; and not only for what they needed, but also for what they wanted. What followed was the charge card (MasterCharge, which had an annual fee and was required to be paid in full at the end of the month) and then the revolving credit card with interest AND fees ..... One of the most destructive things that happened in American society is the modern day credit system, because it follows Satan's logic: "Satisfy the desire now, and pay for it later." What happened to the spending habits of American citizens? We went from consumers to treating everything as if it is disposable ... we no longer use it up and wear it out ... we enjoy the novelty and discard it when we tire of the pleasure .... it's on to the next thing! The Declaration of Independence of 1776 stated:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Somehow we've indulged and entertained the most recent generations to the point that they're only internalizing select parts of this historic basis of American society:

"We ~~hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they~~ are endowed by their Creator with ~~certain unalienable~~ Rights, ~~that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit~~ of Happiness."

How does that resonate? How do we stop this trend? How do we raise our children to be grateful, instead of entitled? How do we teach responsibility? How do we make sure our kids to understand the reality that no one should have to work harder for what they want than them? How do we train them to be productive, instead of manipulative?

START HERE:

STOP! Pay closer attention to what your kid(s) expect of you.
LOOK! Make a list of the privileges your kid(s) enjoy at only your expense.
LISTEN! What "buzz-words" do you hear your kid(s) use that smack of entitlement?
CONSIDER THIS: What do you think they expect of themselves?

Look for my next series of posts, to find out more!

Thanks for reading,
Ruth - Keeping it Real!

Who's Problem Is It?

2009-09-03T16:54:00.000-07:00

As parents we really want to protect our children from harm. We want them to make better decisions than we did. We want to spare them the heartache we've endured. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. We actually do them an injustice if we don't love them enough to cope with the natural consequences of their choices; which interferes with God's law that a man must "reap what he sows" (Galatians 6:6-8). The best discipline we can offer our children is to trust that they are capable of learning from their mistakes, and faith that they can handle the natural consequences when the price tag is small; raising the odds that they will gain enough wisdom early in life to make fewer mistakes as adults when the price tag can be daunting. Isn't this the way God loves all His children? The love is unconditional, but we cannot expect that God is going to rescue us from every poor choice we make. Otherwise, how would we ever learn anything? If God parents us this way, why should we think we know better than, or love our kids more than He does?
The easiest way to start raising our kids the way God parents us is to FIRST determine who owns the problems. It's amazing how much you can love your kids just by trusting them to "handle" their own issues. Your son forgets his lunch? Let him go hungry a few times, instead of dropping the lunch off for him. Your daughter has an electronic device confiscated at school? Let her do without it. Your child takes his time getting dressed in the morning? Let him choose between going to school with his clothes on his body, or in a bag. Your daughter is a fussy eater? Give her a choice between two things or waiting until the next meal to see if she prefers what's offered then better. Your daughter refuses to do her homework without your help? Ask her if she wants to learn it at school and practice what she's learned at home; or if you need to confront the teacher to find out why she has to re-learn everything at home (Usually kids don't want you to accuse the teachers of not doing their jobs, when it's really their own laziness that's the issue.). Remember, it's our job to "wean our kids off of us" from the time their born! Let them own their own problems. There is a stark difference between nurturing, and enabling a child to remain a child. What do you think?

Are Your Kids "Driving You Insane?"

2009-08-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

Parent (Anonymous) Asks:
What do I do with kids that will not be quiet? They are talking to us, but really talking just to hear themselves, asking very elementary questions that they know the answers to. I've spent alone time with both of them. We are dealing with 1 who has been diagnosed with "ADHD" and is not medicated...driving me insane!

Ruth, Keeping It Real:
First ask yourself, why must they be quiet? Are they talking when it's time to be quiet or inappropriate to talk? ... Like in a movie theater, or at a wedding during the vows? Or, are they talking in the car, in the kitchen, in the family room? If they're able to be quiet at all, then they're choosing to speak. In that case, my next question would be, "Why are they talking?" If they're trying to get your attention, then instead of reacting, you need to determine what the true NEED is and address that, instead of getting annoyed. You may want to consider if your patience is lessened during certain times (like when you're tired in the evening) or when you're engaged in specific activities, and determine if these are times when your children seem the most verbose .... you may discover a correlation.

The Bible says that fruits of The Spirit (Galatians 5:22-24) include love, joy, peace, and patience. In the King James Version, the Bible decribes love (1Corinthians 13:4-8) as being "long-suffering." Childhood doesn't (shouldn't) last forever. And children learn more by example than direction.

Have you considered going "brain-dead" when you know they're asking questions they know the answers to already? Try answering with, "What did I say?" or "What do you think?" or "What would you tell someone who asked you that question?"

What if they're talking to each other and not you? Do you have to participate? Can you disengage if you choose to do so?

Books that will help:

Calming the Chaos: Behavior Improvement Strategies for the Child With ADD/ADHD by Jim Fay and Charles Fay PhD

Meeting The Challenge, by Jim Fay, Foster Cline MD, and Bob Sornson PhD

Who Wakes Your Kid(s) Up in the Morning?

2009-08-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

Does that sound like a silly question to you? It sounded like a silly question to me, until I began to meet other parents who were waking their kids up every morning for school. Why are parents giving 12-year-olds cell phones, but continuing to wake them up for school? What is that?! By the time the average child in the U.S. finishes the second grade (approximately 7 years old), they can discern the hour on a clock; they know the difference between night and day at an even earlier age.

Perhaps one way to start teaching our children to be responsible, is to stop doing things for them that they are capable of doing for themselves. Although nurturing and loving our children is paramount, we parents need to constantly be in the frame of mind that we must "wean them off of us." This mindset is particularly useful with children who are highly active; loads of energy. My son, Kyle, was the "little demon energizer bunny" of the Lucas home when he was a toddler - so my perspective is based on experience.

Back to "the waking up thing" .... When should a parent stop waking their kids up? Let's say as early as you can train them to do it themselves! My son would wake up at 5:30 - 6:00 am every morning as a baby and toddler. There was a clock on his wall. My mother gave me a toy clock that was a tool to teach children how to tell time and it was shaped like an owl - cute. So, since I wanted to get up at 7am, I decided to teach Kyle the rudimentary skill of determining "SAME" and "DIFFERENT" at 3 years old (you can do this playing "the memory game" and the like). Once he mastered these concepts, I set the owl to read 7 o'clock and taught him to stay quietly in his room until the clock on his wall was the SAME as the owl. This didn't even take a week! By the time Kyle was in the first grade, he had an alarm clock that we taught him to use. We haven't had to wake up Kyle since he was 3 years-old. It has been his responsibility since then. If you have a teenager that you can't get out of bed in the morning, ask yourself, "What do I need to do differently," and then make a change.

Getting your kids to be responsible for waking themselves up and getting ready for the day can be the precursor to having more peace in the house at bedtime ... because that's the next thing that will become their responsibility!

-Ruth, Keeping It Real

Parenting Classes at Church

2009-08-10T14:46:00.000-07:00

Is your church offering parenting classes? If your answer is. "No," be alarmed. All too often, churches today preach that the answer to every question is found in the "Word of God." As true as that may be, unfortunately, if you've not attended seminary school, it is not so simple a task to extract wisdom from the Bible to know how to guide your children today. Perhaps that's because there's nothing in the Bible about using the internet, watching television, playing video games, visiting chat rooms, or communicating via text, email, instant message, FaceBook, MySpace, Twitter and the like.

Most church leadership tends to err on the side of caution and advise their members to "shield their children from the world." But, how practical is that approach? Will that prepare your children adequately to be wise in the world that awaits them? We raised our son in a Christian home, but faith alone was not enough to enable our son to feel confident enough to leave home at 15 to attend a special school on the other side of the country that would inevitably get him into the college he wants to attend. That courage and self-assurance came from additional training we implemented in addition to our religious convictions.

I'm not encouraging people to disregard their religious leaders. I am advocating that people be proactive in honing and sharpening their parenting skills. Think about it. The amount of time we were in the care of parents is minute in comparison to how many years we live as adults dealing with the results or consequences of our own choices. So, isn't it crucial to use those first 15-18 years to train our children how to make good choices? Do we want to coddle and shelter children - "protecting their childhood," which is such a short time on this earth? Or do we want to nurture and love our children; raising them to be responsible adults with character and strong convictions?

-Ruth, Keeping It Real