Keeping the Faith?

Resumé Please

2014-02-24T02:12:00.004-06:00

Bible verses are powerful. They can wake you up, make you think, give you information you can use, be a catalyst for God to bless you with the Divine Spirit. The problem is some pastors use them to manipulate and beat their sheep and then lead them off a cliff.

I haven't been to church in a while. I had been struggling to bite my tongue constantly. I started to be overly critical of everything that was being said in every church I went to, and over the last few months, I have been to a lot. Several funerals, all right in a row, lead me to churches of various denominations. It really made me take some steps back to gain some insight on the many beliefs that are out there.

The primary thing that kept running through my mind was the leaders of these churches have a responsibility, an obligation, given to them by God. He sets the job description and it is up to the pastor/priest to follow it to the letter. I realize they are human and sinners like the rest of us, but they are to be an example, not a replacement God. There are many examples in the Bible of what is expected of these leaders, so I am pretty sure God felt it was important. Included with these examples of the false teachers and an glimpse of what will happen to those who are really not qualified. I guess my question is this: Where is Crossing Church looking for their job description for their pastoral staff?

To be fair, I did listen to a couple of recent "sermons", each "preached" by one of the Dykstra's. The Bible verses that were used were mostly one verse, thrown out so quick, you barely realized they were reading from the Bible, or they were verses used inappropriately. I actually chuckled to myself when Eric threw out Jeremiah 29:11. That particular verse is one that makes me cringe when I see a sign or reference to it, as if God is speaking to you or me today.

Here is the job description. Does Crossing Pastoral Staff measure up? Not from my view. Scripture should be read in church, more than a verse here or there. You just may awaken you own mind to what you should be fed in church. Don't take my word for it, read the Bible yourself. Big chunks, chapters, READ IT.

1 Timothy 3 Qualifications for Overseers English Standard Version (ESV)

1 The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. 2 Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3 not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.4 He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, 5 for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church? 6 He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. 7 Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.

1 Timothy 6 English Standard Version (ESV)

1 Let all who are under a yoke as bondservants regard their own masters as worthy of all honor, so that the name of God and the teaching may not be reviled. 2 Those who have believing masters must not be disrespectful on the ground that they are brothers; rather they must serve all the better since those who benefit by their good service are believers and beloved.

False Teachers and True Contentment

Teach and urge these things. 3 If anyone teaches a different doctrine and does not agree with the sound words of our Lord Jesus Christ and the teaching that accords with godliness, 4 he is puffed up with conceit and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions,5 and constant friction among people who are depraved in mind and deprived of the truth, imagining that godliness is a means of gain. 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain, 7 for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. 8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. 9 But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.

1 Peter 5 Shepherd the Flock of God English Standard Version (ESV)

1 So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: 2 shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.

Titus 1 Greeting English Standard Version (ESV)

1 Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ, for the sake of the faith of God's elect and their knowledge of the truth, which accords with godliness, 2 in hope of eternal life, which God, who never lies, promised before the ages began 3 and at the proper time manifested in his word through the preaching with which I have been entrusted by the command of God our Savior;4 To Titus, my true child in a common faith: Grace and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Savior.

Qualifications for Elders

5 This is why I left you in Crete, so that you might put what remained into order, and appoint elders in every town as I directed you— 6 if anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination. 7 For an overseer, as God's steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, 8 but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. 9 He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.

You may also want to look at Eric's track record of "prophecy". I don't remember all that he has claimed God has said to him, but if you can find the old CDs (they removed the evidence from the internet) and listen. I am positive you can find one or two that never came to pass.

Deuteronomy 18 English Standard Version (ESV)

19 And whoever will not listen to my words that he shall speak in my name, I myself will require it of him. 20 But the prophet who presumes to speak a word in my name that I have not commanded him to speak, or who speaks in the name of other gods, that same prophet shall die.’21 And if you say in your heart, ‘How may we know the word that the Lord has not spoken?’— 22 when a prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, if the word does not come to pass or come true, that is a word that the Lord has not spoken; the prophet has spoken it presumptuously. You need not be afraid of him.

I think the Dykstra's are being tempted by their own power. Their sheep following them blindly. They want to "thrill and move" people worldwide and they have the right idea of reaching out to the lost and weary, but they are not following God's plan for pastors and they are leading their starving flock astray. They follow their own desires, rather than the desires written in His book. When the review comes, I hope they have listened and repented. I pray that one day, hopefully soon, they use that power for good.

James 1:13-15 English Standard Version (ESV)

13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

Acknowledgement

2013-05-29T01:23:00.001-05:00

"...will you forgive me for think, ya know, for my part, any wrong..." - Kelly Dykstra

Forgiveness was offered. Oh, the joy of knowing that you forgave, as GOD has forgiven you!! You also came so close to admitting that you may have done something wrong. So close!!

I feel that members of Crossing Church may, however, have been a little bit misled into thinking the "people who were INTENT on hurting" the church were not doing it with a purpose. Perhaps that you (as a church and it's leadership) were being targeted for no apparent reason, that the actions and deeds of the leadership had nothing to do with this. The accountability is sadly missing. I am glad you are all so "guilt free" in all of this. I hope it allows for pleasant dreams at night.

I can't speak for others, but I know what I desire as the ultimate outcome. I want to see Jesus preached every weekend, large chunks of the Bible quoted and used as intended, not twisted to suit your "vision" from GOD. I don't want to see, or hear, of any more people leaving wounded, unhealthy or uncertain in their faith, afraid to go to any other church, broken in more ways than one. You do not need to have a mega church to reach people and lead them to Christ. Let go of that goal and focus on what you have. Be true to the people that are there now and more will come to hear the true word of GOD.

I was not trying to hurt, but to open the eyes of the offenders and to prevent others from being hurt. My intent was, I would hope, noble in thought, if not always executed eloquently. My apologies, if I offended, but I am quite certain GOD has already forgiven me.

Jen

Kelly, perhaps you should practice what you preach. Actions speak louder than words.

"Humble yourself before GOD, he will lift you up." - Kelly Dykstra

Word Power!?!?

2013-05-26T11:34:00.000-05:00

"Jesus spoke, people were healed, demons fled, and storms were calmed." - Eric Dykstra

The main point of your own statement, Mr. Dykstra, is "Jesus spoke". Jesus has those powers. From listening to your words, if I were to believe them, I would have to be a God myself. Wouldn't that mean that I am believing in myself as a false idol? Weird. Almost as weird as blessing and cursing rice.

I can pray, I can ask for things, but ultimately it is not my words that make it so. No blessing that is spoken over me is going to mean as much as the grace earned by simply believing. No curse by any man on this earth has the power to damn me, unless Jesus himself returns and speaks it over me himself.

Ephesians 2

1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Notice there is nothing in there that says I have to bring people to church, tithe, get to work, or pour blessings out in order to get them? I also don't see anything saying that my "words have supernatural power". Sad that you take Biblical words and twist them for your own psychological manipulation.

Jeremiah 23
15 Therefore this is what the Lord Almighty says concerning the prophets: “I will make them eat bitter food and drink poisoned water, because from the prophets of Jerusalem ungodliness has spread throughout the land.” 16 This is what the Lord Almighty says: “Do not listen to what the prophets are prophesying to you; they fill you with false hopes. They speak visions from their own minds, not from the mouth of the Lord. 17 They keep saying to those who despise me, ‘The Lord says: You will have peace.’ And to all who follow the stubbornness of their hearts they say, ‘No harm will come to you.’ 18 But which of them has stood in the council of the Lord to see or to hear his word? Who has listened and heard his word? 19 See, the storm of the Lord will burst out in wrath, a whirlwind swirling down on the heads of the wicked. 20 The anger of the Lord will not turn back until he fully accomplishes the purposes of his heart. In days to come you will understand it clearly. 21 I did not send these prophets, yet they have run with their message; I did not speak to them, yet they have prophesied. 22 But if they had stood in my council, they would have proclaimed my words to my people and would have turned them from their evil ways and from their evil deeds. 23 “Am I only a God nearby,” declares the Lord, “and not a God far away? 24 Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?” declares the Lord. “Do not I fill heaven and earth?” declares the Lord. 25 “I have heard what the prophets say who prophesy lies in my name. They say, ‘I had a dream! I had a dream!’ 26 How long will this continue in the hearts of these lying prophets, who prophesy the delusions of their own minds? 27 They think the dreams they tell one another will make my people forget my name, just as their ancestors forgot my name through Baal worship. 28 Let the prophet who has a dream recount the dream, but let the one who has my word speak it faithfully. For what has straw to do with grain?” declares the Lord. 29 “Is not my word like fire,” declares the Lord, “and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?

30 “Therefore,” declares the Lord, “I am against the prophets who steal from one another words supposedly from me. 31 Yes,” declares the Lord, “I am against the prophets who wag their own tongues and yet declare, ‘The Lord declares.’ 32 Indeed, I am against those who prophesy false dreams,” declares the Lord. “They tell them and lead my people astray with their reckless lies, yet I did not send or appoint them. They do not benefit these people in the least,” declares the Lord.
33 “When these people, or a prophet or a priest, ask you, ‘What is the message from the Lord?’ say to them, ‘What message? I will forsake you, declares the Lord.’ 34 If a prophet or a priest or anyone else claims, ‘This is a message from the Lord,’ I will punish them and their household. 35 This is what each of you keeps saying to your friends and other Israelites: ‘What is the Lord’s answer?’ or ‘What has the Lord spoken?’ 36 But you must not mention ‘a message from the Lord’ again, because each one’s word becomes their own message. So you distort the words of the living God, the Lord Almighty, our God.37 This is what you keep saying to a prophet: ‘What is the Lord’s answer to you?’ or ‘What has the Lord spoken?’ 38 Although you claim, ‘This is a message from the Lord,’ this is what the Lord says: You used the words, ‘This is a message from the Lord,’ even though I told you that you must not claim, ‘This is a message from the Lord.’ 39 Therefore, I will surely forget you and cast you out of my presence along with the city I gave to you and your ancestors. 40 I will bring on you everlasting disgrace—everlasting shame that will not be forgotten.”

Do you think the false prophets of today are any different? Do you think God will say, "Ah, you know, I am glad you kept it relevant to the times"?

If God doesn't change, I am pretty sure He still feels that same.

Jen

On second thought.....

2013-01-31T05:30:00.000-06:00

I have learned a lot over the past couple of weeks, and it isn't good. Here is what I have learned:

1.) I haven't fully forgiven past sins against me, even though I thought I had.

2.) I still can't bring myself to fully trust Christians.

Two things may not seem like a lot, but to me, these two things pack quite the punch.

Forgiveness. No matter how much I felt at peace with my distant past and thought I had offered forgiveness, without being asked or acknowledgement of the inflicted pain, I haven't completely let it go. Something bad happened to someone that had hurt me terribly, many years ago. I was incredibly grieved when I realized that one of my first thoughts was not for their well being, but one single word. Karma. I instantly felt guilt for thinking it, but it was there. Satan playing in my head. Making me doubt myself on all of the other forgiveness I have offered throughout my life. Will something else come up that makes me cringe and deny myself the peace of knowing I have forgiven the trespasses of others? It is a good thing that God forgives me, because I am having a hard time forgiving myself.

And ...... another person hurt at Crossing Church met with Eric. I have to admit, I was jealous. Why did he pick her, out of all of the people speaking out against him and his church? There were many of us damaged, but she is one that had not moved past a lot of her anger. Maybe he (or maybe it was God) thought that she needed that meeting the most. I don't know, but it made me think about my own forgiveness toward those at Crossing Church. John and Tracy for ignoring my pain, Eric for ignoring my theological questions (because staff blocked every attempt to ask them), Diane for telling me not to bother coming to CR if I didn't follow her demands, etc. Have I really forgiven them? I feel like I have, I feel like I have moved past it all. Again, I guess time will really tell. If I run into one of them, I will let you know. ;)

I do have to remind myself occasionally that just because I have given forgiveness does not mean I have to give up my right to tell anyone that will listen that what they are doing at Crossing Church is not in line with the Bible. It is a willing service to the Lord I adore. Giving up is not acceptable to me until they stop.

Trust. Wow. I can't even begin. That is a story for another day.....

My take on forgiveness.

2012-12-08T11:07:00.000-06:00

Matthew 6: 14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, ¹⁵but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Colossians 3: 12-14 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, ¹³bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. ¹⁴And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

God tells us to forgive one another as we are forgiven. If we do not forgive, we will not received forgiveness. Pretty simple in concept. Harder to live out.

The fact is, I will say again. I forgive. Truly and sincerely: I forgive.

There are those who insist that I 'shut up" and "move on", I say this: I will not forget. People learn from their mistakes, forgetting them would be detrimental. I will not claim to have read the entire Bible, but I have read a lot. Many books and sections more than once. I have yet to come across the verse that says "Forgive and Forget" or "Forgive and let your abuser be free to continue sin against you and/or others". If someone can point these passages out to me, I would appreciate the guidance. Again, living it out would be difficult.

I have tried hard to keep love in my heart for others, even those who have hurt me. I have quietly watched as one heresy is replaced with another. I have great sadness in my heart for those who are led astray. I pray:

Ephesians 1: 17-19 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, ¹⁸having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, ¹⁹and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might

My ultimate goal in this life is to turn my focus to God and keep it there. I will continue to praise and honor my God. My hope is to be steadfast in my faith, one day standing in the kingdom of Heaven, forgiven for all. The warmth and love of Jesus in my heart.

Matthew 24: 9-14 “Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name's sake. ¹⁰And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another. ¹¹And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. ¹²And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. ¹³But the one who endures to the end will be saved. ¹⁴And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

May you have peace and joy this holiday season, knowing that we celebrate the birth of Jesus our Savior and Lord. I serve Jesus, the Lord, most high King not of this world, but of the next. He who came to bear witness to the truth, that all may be saved, not by works or words, but by belief in Him.

Jen

Why am I still the bad guy?

2012-09-12T22:19:00.002-05:00

So recently things have changed at Crossing Church. Wonderful. No, really, I mean it. I am thrilled (but not yet moved). I have prayed for a change in their hearts. I have prayed for biblical teaching. I have prayed for acknowledgement, repentance and drastic change in the way things are run. I am so happy for the changes!! I hope they continue on their path to grace and righteousness.

What I don't understand...what makes the changes hurt... is that even with everything that has happened these past few weeks, those of us that spoke out against the abuse, the false teaching, the manipulation and every wrong thing we could hope to relay to the public....we are still the bad guys. We are still ostracized by attenders, being ignored by former friends (even to the point of my children no longer being allowed to play with schoolmates/friends), and blamed for the shake up. Eric is being praised as this wonderful man of God who has repented and is now leading the church into the future. Crossing Church "will never be the same because [he is] not the same". Really? Is that because it is about him, because I thought it was "always, only about Jesus"??? There is still a problem, there is still pain. I appreciate the changes, but really Christians, are you holding your grudges? Are you forgiving or are you going to stand by Eric no matter what and continue to follow his lead and ignore the backstories? Are you going to continue to treat the outspoken former attenders like we have leprosy? I am tired of my children having to suffer because of something I did.

I made the mistake of taking them to that church. I made the mistake of publicly speaking out about the wrong that I saw. I made the mistake of trusting this 'man of God' and his leadership with the teaching of my family in the way of a false God. I am living with my mistakes, but you know what? We, as a family, are doing wonderful. We are blessed every day. We have love and peace in our lives. We have a solid foundation, strong values, great pastors at our new church home, a love for God that far surpasses anything I could have ever imagined two years ago. At this point, breaking me is impossible!!

Jen

Stronger

2012-09-04T19:29:00.000-05:00

Just because someone says that they are sorry, do you just believe them and move on? God says we should but how are we showing our love to God by ignoring the souls that are being lost or abandoned along the way? A false teaching will not save you. A false leader will lead you down a road you should NOT want to be on. Some say closure is good, but is that the final answer? Over and over again the Bible told us this was coming. The battle is ongoing, and I say we fight.

Acts 20:28-30
²⁸“So guard yourselves and God’s people. Feed and shepherd God’s flock—his church, purchased with his own blood—over which the Holy Spirit has appointed you as elders. ²⁹I know that false teachers, like vicious wolves, will come in among you after I leave, not sparing the flock. ³⁰Even some men from your own group will rise up and distort the truth in order to draw a following.

1 Timothy 4: 3-4
³For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. ⁴They will reject the truth and chase after myths.

Jude 1:3-4
³Dear friends, I had been eagerly planning to write to you about the salvation we all share. But now I find that I must write about something else, urging you to defend the faith that God has entrusted once for all time to his holy people. ⁴I say this because some ungodly people have wormed their way into your churches, saying that God’s marvelous grace allows us to live immoral lives. The condemnation of such people was recorded long ago, for they have denied our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ.

The Bible also tells us to rebuke fellow sinners and if they repent, forgive them.

2 Timothy 4:1-2 I solemnly urge you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus, who will someday judge the living and the dead when he appears to set up his Kingdom: ²Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.

Luke 17:3
So watch yourselves! “If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive."

We need to fight the Devil in any way we can. We need to stay strong in our faith and shout down the evil that comes along. I will do my best to guide the lost and protect the found while I participate in this battle. I know that forgiveness is hard, forgetting is impossible, but holding onto the pain and heartache was only making me miserable.

I was able to stay strong. I have even become stronger in my faith through this past year, even without closure. I have a good support system in place to field my questions, concerns, hurts and anything else that comes up. For me, some bitterness comes through once in a while, but for the most part is gone. I don't think an apology is enough, but the forgiveness is already there. I have fought my demons (and continue to fight them daily) and know that others, even pastors, have their own battles to fight. I understand that we are all sinners and will continue to sin. I, however, will own my own decisions and know that the past choices I made were forgiven on a cross a long, long time ago.

I will continue to pray for those in BDM that are struggling and in pain. That they can find the closure they so desperately seek. That they can find peace and contentment in their hearts.

I will continue to pray that the church for people that don't do church will decide to feed the sheep that look to them for food. I will continue to pray for a radical change in their hearts to properly teach the gospel before it is too late. Eric Dykstra is showing a change of heart. Trusting it is another matter. Time will tell, but I am hoping he is moving in the right direction. I pray they are protected in their quest to turn the church into a more Biblically sound place to worship.

I will continue to just pray knowing that no matter what has happened or why, in the end, this has only made me stronger.

Jen

Mercy and Grace

2012-06-27T22:51:00.000-05:00

MERCY - Merriam-Webster
1 a : compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power; b : imprisonment rather than death imposed as penalty for first-degree murder
2 a : a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion b : a fortunate circumstance
3 : compassionate treatment of those in distress

GRACE - Merriam Webster

1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

2 a : approval, favor b archaic : mercy, pardon c : a special favor : privilege d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption : reprieve

Mercy. I find this one so easy, yet so difficult. I find it easy to act with mercy toward some, but so hard with others. I am working on forgiveness. Moving on and not looking back with pain, guilt and regret, but looking forward with hope and gratitude to those who have helped me along the way.

Ok, God's Grace I have an easier time with. God's virtue given to us as a gift for our faith. He can do whatever He wants right? I love the idea of a loving God that will forgive, and move on. Showing His pleasure with small, everyday blessings, even in our roughest times. I am noticing it more and more all the time.

As a Christian, it is expected for us to act in kindness and love for our fellow man (something I strive for), even when they treat us with coldhearted indifference or outright animosity. I have seen so much Christian hypocrisy throughout my life, but the highest concentration was within a one year period at the Crossing. The same people that are proclaiming every weekend that they care for the broken then ignore them the other five days of the week. I pray for them to receive God's mercy and grace, to see their way back to the path of light. Living for the true and loving God that can and will wash it all away, if only they would ask it of Him.

It has been a difficult road to relearn the truth of what God is truly saying to us. I listened to the lies, eisegesis, and manipulative blabber and tucked it away as truth. I find that I have to rethink, reread and reevaluate EVERYTHING that is now said to me, in God's name. It is a good thing. It helps me learn for myself, everything He wants me to know. I will continue to grow stronger and learn more with each passing day, but only with God's mercy and His grace.

Jen

What is real?

2012-05-29T00:50:00.000-05:00

As I am moving into my future with stronger faith, I can't help but look back on my journey and the paths I have taken into Christianity. The choices that I have made, the things I have done, some because I felt they were right and some because everyone was telling me, either directly or indirectly that I should. I don't want to make the same mistakes, so I tend to avoid everything.

Serve your heart out vs. Sit quietly and mind your own business.
Church every weekend vs. Taking a vacation once in awhile.
Say hi and greet everyone, so they can be saved vs. Get in and out quick before anyone talks to you.
Bring everyone you can to church vs. Avoid church conversation at all costs.

It makes me wonder how many of my choices were so far off base that I need a redo.

One thing, specifically, that bothers me is this: Was my baptism as fake as the rest of it? Think about it. I was baptized by a "prophet" (1) to whom God gave a "vision" (2) to have a congregation of 20,000. A man that has "sermons" about ways to make your life better, in the bedroom, financially, in your relationships, etc. (all pop-psychology really). All things many people are wanting to hear about (3), not things that God, through His word in the bible, wants us to know. I was baptized primarily because everyone gets baptized to prove the change they are making in their lives. I didn't fully comprehend the seriousness of what I was doing. I didn't get baptized to wash away my sin and start anew. I got baptized because I believed it would be a magical experience that would instantly change me. The whole concept at the Crossing is the more you do for God, the more He will bless you. It stands to reason that if I got baptized, He would show up, right?

I need to ponder on this a bit. I hit the brakes, did an about-face and started doing what the Bible said rather than relying on what other people said. God gave me the ability to use my OWN mind and I most certainly will take advantage of that. He gave me the ability to make my own choices, based on His guidance, not be led along on a weird magic carpet ride. Seriously, the Lord pretty much gives us permission to do backsies right?(4).

I'm dusting off my bottom and trudging along!!

At least this time it wasn't my face.

Jen

ADDENDUM: Just to be clear, since I have had a couple inquiries, I am not interested in being re-baptized. After all, baptism itself is just a symbol of your commitment to Jesus. I will be saved by grace, through my faith. Let me say that again: I will be saved by grace, through my faith. Did you notice the period at the end. There is no "and service, works, tithing, etc" or "if you_______" or even a "but not if you are ______". Just GRACE & FAITH.

(1) --  Matthew 7:15 -- Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves.
(2)  -- 1 John 4:1 -- Dear friends, do not believe everyone who claims to speak by the Spirit. You must test them to see if the spirit they have comes from God. For there are many false prophets in the world.
(3)-- 2 Timothy 4:3 -- For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.
(4)   -- Jeremiah 8:4 -- Jeremiah, say to the people, ‘This is what the LORD says: “‘When people fall down, don’t they get up again? When they discover they’re on the wrong road, don’t they turn back?"'

Irony

2012-05-06T17:49:00.003-05:00

Without a trace of irony I can say I have been blessed with brilliant enemies. I owe them a great debt, because they redoubled my energies and drove me in new directions.
E. O. Wilson

The irony of today just hit me.

My last days in the cult climaxed with me being left in my car, crying, (see my first blog) by a "pastor" at the Crossing. Today, as I left church crying, in a mad rush just to get away...a pastor followed me to my car to make sure I was OK. Even though I was in no shape to talk and couldn't look him in the eye, and he was due to preach any second - - he stood outside my car and prayed for me, wished me well and expressed care and concern over my well being. As the irony of today settles in, it makes me feel peaceful. It gives me hope that everything will really be alright.

Thank you PTS

Jen

Homonyms.....kind of.

2012-05-06T14:10:00.000-05:00

I need to tell myself to stop and realize that things that sound the same may not always be the same. Just because it has the same title, doesn't mean it has the same meaning or evil purpose behind it.

Trigger: Sermon topic (It happened to be the same topic of the first Crossing series I ever attended)
Reaction: Try not to run like a crazed lunatic with the hounds of hell after me.
Aftermath: The crash of guilt and shame for jumping to a conclusion that, at this point, I have absolutely no reason to assume is correct. My rational mind says that I was wrong to assume and that I should hear people out and judge them based on what I have previously heard from them, but then my irrational mind is screaming "Run, they are all the same".

I took a step outside that box and realized today that if I continue to respond in irrational ways, cut myself off from friends, refuse to get close to anyone else, let triggers run my life, listen to my irrational self, then they WIN. In case anyone doesn't know, I can be a very sore loser.

At Crossing Church, it was all church focused and if you weren't church focused, you were not a good Christian. You would never be told "Well done, good and faithful servant" if you didn't serve your brains out. We were expected to cut everyone out of your life that wasn't Crossing focused, or spoke against what the church was doing or the way they did it. We were expected to constantly try to recruit more people to come to church. At every turn, everything that you didn't do for the Crossing was something that would ultimately damn you to the burning pit. Every sermon seemed focused on one of the following:

Money (and how much you should be giving in order to get a blessing)
Bringing people to church (because they will go to hell and it will be your fault)
Sex (constantly having sex with your spouse is biblical or you are in sin)
Serving (again, if you don't serve properly or with everything you have, that one person that you didn't treat right on Sunday will have a bad experience and go to hell and it WILL be your fault)

I heard, through a fellow blogger, that Easter was a good, biblical, Christ-centered sermon. I pray that they continue down that path. Keep it up so the Crossing will change and it can be positive place for everyone.

Since I have left Crossing, I have heard good, biblical sermons from numerous pastors. Sermon titles and the different, subtle things that are similar tend to still make me cringe. What can I do to get past this and move on? I guess only time will tell, but from here out, I am going to make an effort stop and take a moment to listen before I run.

Jen

Just when you think it's over....

2012-04-08T02:18:00.000-05:00

So, just when I think my life is going good and things are smooth sailing, something takes away the wind from my sails and I drift backwards into the muddied waters of my past. I've learned that they are called "Triggers". A holiday, someone's name mentioned, or someone you see, maybe a phrase or even one word that can bring back the pain, fears, regrets, or the shame.

Today it is the holiday. Remembering last year, my first Easter as a committed Christian, feeling a little strange about the way the holiday services went down, but not clearly understanding, not quite able to put my finger one what was wrong. Feeling some anguish over the fact that Jesus was ready to raise from the dead after having died for the sins of mankind and that fact was kind of glossed over, personalized into what someone else wanted to make it.

I just want to say thank you, Jesus, for all that you have done for me and I am sorry it took me so long to realize the true impact and chose to follow you.

Jen

2012-03-31T14:02:00.000-05:00

For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.
2 Timothy 4:2-4

I read this and think back to a "sermon" called The End is Near at Crossing Church. I remember Eric talking about when the end comes and only 144,000 Christians left on the planet being called home to God. It got me thinking. After all is said and done and these Mega churches take over the world, will there really only be 144,000 people left that know the Real Jesus? The thought of this makes me so sad, even out of context.

Correction: Eric did not say that 144,000 Christians would be left on the planet being called home to God. He said "During the 21 judgements...a group of church people. 144,000 of them. These are radical church people dedicated to spreading the message of God's rescue around the rest of the planet..." The impression I had at the time was they were the only Christian's left after all the plagues and judgements.

PS Jehovah's witnesses were NOT mentioned.

The "Code": Code content taken from their website

2012-03-24T11:45:00.001-05:00

I am sorry, but am I the only one who feels that this code reads like his own set of commandments? Eric needs to go back to teaching biblical sermons. How much respect would be gained by him for admitting his error and moving forward on a wondrous path to redemption!?

Thou shall have no other focus before Crossing Church. Notice that finances are first? This should speak volumes to you. Then your schedule, because the more time you spend at church, the less time you have to do drugs or drink and the less money they have to pay for staff to do things. WIN-WIN. Your talent, well, with your talent they don’t have to hire musicians, marketing or various other people to do what you will do for free. Don't worry about your family joining up. If they become a problem you may get a full time job out of it or even sent to the next level, after you "cut" them from your huddle.

Thou shall have no other leader since "GOD gave this vision to ERIC." If you don’t agree with it, you disagree with GOD, therefore you are not a good Christian and you can look forward to the door in #7 hitting you in the bum on your way out. Oh, and you will go to Hell.

Thou shalt not sit on your butt not serving and bringing your friends and family. You are responsible for saving them from hell. But, I will give them part of this one. They do invade the city, but they condemn those that don't agree with their teaching. If you don’t follow #2, or memorize this “code” you will not be there for long as a leader or anything else. They do say all the time that it is always only about Jesus, even though they don't talk about His life all that much unless they are making up what they think His life and career were like. You CAN learn a lot about Eric's life.

But thou shalt not expect help when you are hurting when it isn't the weekend or a more public forum for them to help you and everyone can see it. Everyone IS welcome, and as long as you serve, tithe, follow, respect, obey leaders, (don’t you dare ever rock the boat, or ask a hard question), you will do fine. They are not there for the religious people, because religious people might actually expect Biblical teaching and guidanced.

Yes, the weekend. Don’t ever expect to get a pastor to talk to during the week, during regular office hours, or the evening for that matter. Don’t get sick or die either, because they don’t visit the sick or do funerals, unless you are a close, personal friend or a very connected leader.

Boy, don’t they ever. They portray Jesus as a dude’s dude. Heavy rock, young, attractive, hip staff and musicians. Sex sells and if you hang around more than a service or two, he will “preach” about it. And who wouldn't want to go to a rock concert every weekend?

Thou shalt not take up any of their valuable time, if you try, bye-bye. They have no problem kicking you out or ostracizing you for anything perceived as a threat or divisive to leadership. They are correct in saying they care about bringing in more people and not worried about keeping the ones they have. Once you are hooked, they just expect you to follow along, like sheep to the slaughter, following the warped theology all the way.

The faith of the congregants is more of a reaction to motivational speeches and fear of not following “God’s plan” for Eric’s church. If you don't agree with the plan, you are disobedient to God. If you don’t do what is asked, “you can leave”, but don’t expect God to bless you or anyone to talk to you ever again.

They hand over more than 10% or they are not allowed to be a staff member or leader. Think about that. Staff members are paying themselves to work there. Leaders are paying for their title. I have also heard from several people how they were belittled for pledging too small of an amount for Samurai, I guess their leaders didn't teach them well on this one. A ton of the money is used for pastors to take trips out of town, buying gift cards and food for staff and volunteers, again, tithing to pay their own benefits. No wonder finances aren't an open book. Everyone would see how much is really spent helping those in need.

They only do a few things and they DO them well. Like focus on Eric, worship Eric, follow Eric and live to serve Eric. Small groups are to discuss the weekend "sermon" not the bible or Jesus. Cellar classes are based on Eric's theology, 'nuf said.

Thou shalt covet the numbers the Furtick is getting in his church. But you, as an individual, don’t matter unless you are counted, but don’t worry they will find a way to count you, one way or another. Even if you only attend once, you are one of their saved souls. Congrats!!

They honor everyone publicly, for the most part, but privately, all your secrets are fair game and you really don't have to honor your parents, especially if you are over 18. Oh, and they expect you to honor and obey their every command. Treat Eric and Kelly with special distinction, or Eric may just “punch you in the throat”.

Really, it’s all about apprenticing to serve at church? Read it in context. I am not even going to try explaining it, letting God do it, in his own words.
If you really and truly want to volunteer, do it. Some of their "volunteers" are the lucky beneficiaries of hundreds of dollars in gift cards and free meals that are regularly given to "volunteers" for serving.

You bet it isn’t normal!! Ex-addicts becoming pastors with no formal training what-so-ever, people just put their name on a sign-up sheet and BOOM!!! You are a pastor?!?!? Quite frankly, I think they do take it for granted. I have a feeling What goes up, must come down.

All of the blue icons and numbered items come directly from crossing-church website, cut and pasted with my comments in between.

It is so hard to forgive and forget when those needing that forgiveness have no remorse, feel they have done nothing wrong, and continue on their same path and continue to hurt others...

Vulnerable Adults - Help those, who may not know how to help themselves.

2012-03-05T21:12:00.001-06:00

It has recently come to mind that people I know that have mental impairments have gone to the Crossing Church. It made me start to wonder how much money and property has been turned over by these and other susceptible people. If you have a loved one attending the Crossing church and they are considered a vulnerable adult (i.e., elderly, mentally ill, etc.) please contact the church and make them aware that person is classified as vulnerable. If they continue to take money, they are taking advantage of these at-risk people and that is against the law.

Definition of a Vulnerable Adult (taken from the State of MN website):

Subd. 21.Vulnerable adult.

(a) "Vulnerable adult" means any person 18 years of age or older who:

(1) is a resident or inpatient of a facility;

(2) receives services at or from a facility required to be licensed to serve adults under sections 245A.01 to 245A.15, except that a person receiving outpatient services for treatment of chemical dependency or mental illness, or one who is served in the Minnesota sex offender program on a court-hold order for commitment, or is committed as a sexual psychopathic personality or as a sexually dangerous person under chapter 253B, is not considered a vulnerable adult unless the person meets the requirements of clause (4);

(3) receives services from a home care provider required to be licensed under section 144A.46; or from a person or organization that exclusively offers, provides, or arranges for personal care assistance services under the medical assistance program as authorized under sections 256B.04, subdivision 16, 256B.0625, subdivision 19a, 256B.0651, 256B.0653 to 256B.0656, and 256B.0659; or

(4) regardless of residence or whether any type of service is received, possesses a physical or mental infirmity or other physical, mental, or emotional dysfunction:

(i) that impairs the individual's ability to provide adequately for the individual's own care without assistance, including the provision of food, shelter, clothing, health care, or supervision; and

(ii) because of the dysfunction or infirmity and the need for care or services, the individual has an impaired ability to protect the individual's self from maltreatment.

(b) For purposes of this subdivision, "care or services" means care or services for the health, safety, welfare, or maintenance of an individual.

Examples of abuse from the State of MN website:
The act of forcing, compelling, coercing, or enticing a vulnerable adult against the vulnerable adult’s will to perform services for the advantage of another.

... acquires possession or control of, or an interest in, funds or property of a vulnerable adult through the use of undue influence, harassment, duress, deception, or fraud; or
... forces, compels, coerces, or entices a vulnerable adult against the vulnerable adult’s will to perform services for the profit or advantage of another.

Sound familiar? If you don't tithe, God will not bless you. It is a sin against Got not to tithe, you will go to Hell?? How much more coercing or enticing does a person need, when they may have the mental age of a child?? If you don't help your loved ones, who will?

God Bless them and protect them,
Jen

My refund request letter.

2012-03-04T17:15:00.001-06:00

To any one interested in what I said in my request for a refund, I have included my letter. Just to be clear, if you do received a refund of your contribution, make sure when you file your taxes for 2012 you check to see if it needs to be included in your taxable income.

January 19, 2012

Crossing Church

Attn: Eric Dykstra

829 School Street

Elk River, MN 55330

Re: Code of the Samurai

Early last year, as a member of the Crossing Church, I was implored to give above and beyond, sacrificially, in order to fund a construction project that was to begin in the fall of 2011 and be completed by the Fall of 2012. As it is now January and I see no signs of the promised expansion, I would like a refund of the money I designated to this fundraising effort. I have consulted with an attorney who suggested that I have a valid argument and should contact the Minnesota Attorney General office. At this time, I have decided to keep this dialogue between Crossing Church and myself, but I am not opposed to pursuing the matter.

Enclosed is a list of my payments, along with the dates and check numbers, totaling $XXX.

I would appreciate your prompt attention to this matter.

I do NOT lie...

2012-02-27T19:12:00.000-06:00

I have been asked to change my blog post by the crossing church member that signed the check so, I am correcting. I apologize if the signature caused a problem.

I got your Booty right here...

2012-02-20T21:51:00.002-06:00

Are you talking to me?

If so, it is just a tad too late, and maybe a little in poor taste, for you to demand it back. You see, my portion of your plunder has been returned. I have already received my refund check from your Ninja, er sorry, Samurai fundraiser. The check has been cashed, cleared the bank and used wisely elsewhere.

To be clear, for those that may not understand completely...I felt that the promises made through the Samurai fundraiser were not met and wrote to the church to request a refund. Crossing Church sent me a check, no questions asked.

They keep hurting people, and they act like it is a joke. I am not laughing.

I predict that the above series will end with the Ninja being supreme, since there is the issue of a certain Pirate Christian that does not approve of Crossing Church, but keep in mind, if the pirates and ninjas are not Christ followers, does it matter who wins?

Bait and Switch

2012-01-26T21:32:00.000-06:00

I received an annual statement from that "church" earlier this week and then a second one today. This one offering the opportunity to sign up for "AUTO-GIVING" and a letter thanking me for my generous financial support in 2011. Evidently they have not realized that I haven't given in a long time and don't intend to give any more of my money, time, or life to their hopeless mission.

At the crossing church, it is "Always only about" Eric, pretending it is about Jesus. Listening to so many other pastors at many area churches these past few months, I have noticed that none of the other pastors spend the "sermon" time telling stories completely about their own lives and only briefly reading the Bible or mentioning Jesus.

Crossing church runs a Bait and Switch...They announce it is only about Jesus, get people in the door with promotional "Crap" and once you are there you get stories about Eric's life (including how hot his sex life is) and demands for money (lest ye be cursed), so that you will never again be able to afford buying your own "crap" or going on your own vacation, while he and his wife (and sometime the kids too) go somewhere out of state just about every month for "mentoring" or "conferences". I am so glad I have shed that "crap" from my life.

If you want to know about real preaching, check this out...http://www.fightingforthefaith.com/. Chris has done so much to teach me what to listen for and points out so many ways that pastors manipulate the Word. Discernment is SO important people. I recommend reading the Bible yourself and making sure what is being said in the Name of God compares properly to the Word of God.

Always, Really and Truly, Only about Jesus

Jen

OMG!

2012-01-19T17:30:00.000-06:00

Thank you.

The sun is shining brightly today and things actually are pretty bright. I reached a turning point in the past couple of weeks and I am pretty sure that everything is going to be OK. The illumination came sort of in the same manner a light is turned on. This morning I used "Works Righteous" and "Law and Gospel" and it hit me! A year ago, I would not have understood myself!! I realized that if I hadn't gone through everything that has happened to me in the past 9 months or so, I would not have the spiritual growth that I have experienced. I would not have learned so much about discernment and I surely wouldn't have been reading the Bible as much. It may sound cliche but, Thank you God for bringing me to it and through it.....I am now absolutely certain it is all for Your greater good.

Peace

Jen

New Year, New Rules

2012-01-05T20:11:00.000-06:00

If last year someone told me what my life would be like right now, I probably would have laughed at them. I was happy as could be!! I had a happy family, a lot of great volunteer opportunities at my wonderful church, new friends at that church, and things were going great! I have never been prone to depression. I had a week or two of post-partum with one of the kids, but otherwise happy. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this lately, trying to pinpoint when things changed. At what point did I flip the switch from happy to sad. I don't think there WAS a specific point. I think it must have started gradually, when I started to realize that it was all fake and nobody was there to convince me either way. My new "friends" at church were either disappearing or changing in ways that sometimes made me uncomfortable to be around them. As much preaching as there was to not gossip, there sure was a lot of it going on. People I served with would put down other people that served with us, back stabbing constantly. I heard some people sharing things that had been talked about at recovery meetings, things that were supposed to be confidential. I had one woman at my home for a fund-raising party take me off to the side to tell me I needed to pray for someone that we both knew because the other woman was having a mental breakdown. At that time I didn't realize anyone that left, got kicked out or had issues with the church was labeled mentally unstable. Now I see that we make it so easy for them to label us that way. As I lost my faith in Jesus and the Crossing, I felt like I was losing my mind and didn't know where to turn. I was stumbling around lost and confused. I mistakenly believed so many things they had told me, thought they were going to be there for me, like a family, I served my heart out for them in the name of Jesus because we could rest when we get to heaven right? Now, it feels almost as if a large portion of my family and many of my friends died in a sudden accident. It felt like someone who loved and cared for me suddenly threw me out of a moving car and didn't look back. Poof! Overnight they are gone. Some people think that PTSD stems from violence, but that is not necessarily true. It can be the result of mental abuse, manipulation or a sudden dramatic change in your life such as a death. I feel like I went through all of these this past year.

My resolutions for the new year:

I resolve to try to be more understanding of other people in their moment of need, doing my best to be the listening ear of anyone who reaches out to me for help, no matter how small or large their need.
I resolve to try to be the kind of person that no matter what is going on, I can be counted on to be consistent in my words and deeds.
I resolve to live my life for the real Jesus, not "frat boy" or "block layer" Jesus.
I resolve to find a church that is not "radical" or "relevant". A church that will not pressure me to give my house, car or 401K, "cut" all my jacked-up friends from my "huddle", or submit to the pastors rather than Jesus, all while predicting "the end is near". A church that will shepard it's flock WHILE trying to help the people that are still wandering without Jesus. A place that I can move ahead at my own pace, putting in one toe at a time, if I so choose.

This is a new year and I choose to live by new rules. They all come in one handy Book.

Jen

Dealing with it

2011-12-23T02:08:00.001-06:00

I've been meeting with a therapist on a pretty consistent basis, and today we were talking about my most recent episode of extreme distress. In talking to her I realized something and I am hoping it helps me in someway to move past this chapter in my life and get back onto my walk with Jesus.

I realized that the incident that happened to me in that parking lot, being ignored at a time when I needed care and compassion, didn't stop there. I was ignored when it happened, I was ignored when I reached out for help to the ONLY person from the church that bothered to call me. I know other leaders and pastors knew what happened and nobody, not one other person, cared enough to call and offer me a kind word, an apology or even to try to make an excuse. THEY ALL IGNORED THE FACT THAT I WAS IGNORED! Does that seem strange to anybody else? If someone had reached out to me, how drastically would my path have changed? Would I have continued to ignore my misgivings and kept going to church, week after week, giving my all, paying my tithe? I don't think I would spend so many weekends at different churches, trying to find one that doesn't remind me of anything there and actually uses the bible, IN CONTEXT, to preach services about Jesus' life, not Eric's life. I certainly don't think I would have ended up going to support groups to deal with the pain and try to understand why it happened. I would not have met so many other people that have all been hurt in many different ways by this "church" of "Christians". I have never personally known any other church that has left such a bloody trail of broken people, with such drastically different stories to tell.

Crossing Church people talk a good talk, show lots of love and care (I believe it is called Love Bombing), constantly promote themselves as people that truly care about broken people, but now that my vision has cleared, I realize I should have never believed the hype. If something seems to good to be true, it probably is. From what I have learned on my journey; lots of reading, therapy, support groups, etc., many of these people are moving from their alcohol and drug addictions right into a religious addiction. If you spend all of your spare time serving the church, how do you have time to feed your addiction? Instant sobriety or something far more sinister? Eric Dystra is the all new drug.

Defend Eric all you want, I'll stick with Jesus, thank you very much.
Jen

This where the pain began...

2011-11-11T20:50:00.000-06:00

Earlier this year I started to feel like the more I read the Bible, the more conflicts with Eric I had. I stopped into the church office several times to try to speak to someone but nobody was ever available to answer my questions. Then I stopped in one day emotionally upset over a conflict I was having and I wanted some spiritual advice. I was standing in the office in tears being told by Tracy, “I’m sorry, there is nobody available” and “I wish there was something I could do for you” as she escorted me to the exit stairway. After that, I didn’t know where to turn, but I stopped trying to go to my church for any guidance. Then when my friend's husband died, I really started to question what the church was doing for me. Two weeks after he died she told me not a single pastor had called her to offer support or see if she needed anything. I realized if didn't have support in minor things, how could I ever expect help when the crap really hit the fan in my life. I told my husband of my concerns and even mentioned that I was thinking maybe a smaller church would be better for us.

Then I went to Twirl. I really didn't feel like going and felt horrible when I left. I was starting to realize that I didn't have any friends at the church, just acquaintances. People that I volunteered with, but that was about all I ever did with them. I drove a friend out to her van out in the dirt parking lot and cried a little along the way. After she got out and drove away, I started having a complete "come apart" cry. The sobbing, chest heaving, can't get your breath, boogers draining down your face kind of cry. While I was crying there was a vehicle parked behind me with their lights shining toward my car and I saw "Pastor" John walking to his car, notice me and change course, heading my way. I grabbed some napkins out of the glove box and wiped my eyes and blew my nose. As I finished I turned toward the window, expecting him to be there, but I was just in time to see him, about 5 feet from my car, turn and walk away to his car. He got in and drove away. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe that a pastor would walk away and leave someone so obviously in distress just sitting there!!

The whole way home I was thinking about what had happened and I decided to write him a note on Facebook. I told him he made me feel worthless and more alone then before. He did not respond. Three days later, on Friday, I received a call from one of my leaders to ask how I was doing. The church constantly reminds us not to gossip or discuss things that may be harmful to another person’s reputation. I realize now that is most likely to prevent people from seeing the bad things that are happening there. I ended up giving him a generic version of what happened on Tuesday, but without giving a name or even using a pronoun to distinguish if it was a man or woman pastor. He tells me he called because John Hill had told him I may be going through a hard time and he should check on me!!!!!! 3 days later!!!???!!! I started crying all over again on the phone with him. I still don’t understand how John could call himself a pastor when he can’t even face the members of his church, not only in their time of need, but also after he has wronged them. He sent someone else to do what he should have done himself. That person proceeded to try to make me feel better by telling me almost word-for-word the same things I had been told by other members before when I expressed doubt. People were talking about how my husband and I are doing great things; people are noticing what we are doing, etc. Trying to make me feel good and feel needed for my service. It was like a script, nothing new that I hadn’t already heard.

Within 10 minutes of hanging up I got a message, a quick little paragraph, on FB from John saying he was sorry and he thought I just wanted to be left alone. I guess he never once thought that maybe I was injured, or possibly been attacked on my way to my car, or even suicidal. He just assumed I wanted to be left alone.

A week later I received a follow-up phone call, again, not John, to see how I was doing. Right after that conversation, I received another message from John offering to connect me with some women in the church. At this point I did not have any faith or trust left for that church. I felt so horrible over his treatment of this situation and him not having the nerve to call me himself. At this point I was very hurt and didn’t know where to turn. I was accused of being upset because I didn’t get recognized for my service, instead of just trying to serve Jesus. I was on five different teams, none of them in the public areas of the church. I would think someone just wanted to get noticed would be volunteering for the teams that everyone would see them helping. I served because I felt a need to give back to the place that had turned my life around. People who I thought were going to be there whenever I needed a nudge back on track or help in any situation. But instead, I feel like I lost part of my family, a huge part of my life is now left empty.

I started seeing a Christian focused therapist. After a couple of weeks, she told me I have PTSD. She struggles to keep the expressions of her face neutral as I remember each thing that should have warned me that my church was not a healthy church. Shock, disbelief, horror. She points things out to me that I hadn’t even realized were manipulation tactics.

I decided to try and reconnect with some people that had left the church. I didn’t know their circumstances, but I needed a listening ear and some advice. I still don’t know if I made the right choice because without the added knowledge I have from going down that path, perhaps I wouldn’t hurt so bad. After hearing some of the other stories, I think back, I realize the things I just ignored or understood incorrectly over the past year. As the memories come back, I see things more clearly, but I feel such a heavy burden of guilt and shame. How could I bring my family to a place where their eternal souls were to be put at risk? How could I have been so easily duped? I was such an idiot!! I feel stupid for ignoring the signs and being so blinded by my newfound faith and joy that I either didn't notice or just decided to overlook them. I feel stupid to have been led along so easily and for so long. I feel ashamed that I gave so much of myself to the church that gave me so very little spiritual support in return. I feel scared to live with the damage I have caused my entire family in the aftermath of our lives there. I lived in denial for far too long.

I have seen people’s lives changed. By Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, by their own strength, will and determination given to them by Him. There is guidance, but ultimately it is them and the Savior. Some have changed for the better, some for the worse, some hiding their pain, too afraid to leave.

I pray for the people still there and others that come from hurtful churches. It isn't about me anymore; it is about helping them. I share this story in the hope that ONE MORE person can see the path to Jesus that lies within them, not a church or one man, but in THE MAN who died for us. Churches are supposed to help people, not inflict pain on their members. It shouldn't have to be like this. What is the acceptable ratio of lost souls? How many people are allowed to be hurt, damaged beyond repair, compared to the ones you count as SAVED? Does Eric still count them as saved after he discards them?

I pray for the children in Haiti. As I look back at that whole trip, it hurts my heart to realize how little we do for them. They live in absolutely deplorable living conditions. If we were supporting them so much, why were they still living like that so long after the earthquake? Why hadn't we done more sooner? Miss Elizabeth told us she had emailed the church asking for help and had not heard back. I wish that I had taken all the money I gave for Samurai and sent it for supplies to them. At least I would know I directly had a part in their lives being improved.

I am thankful I still have my faith. So many others have lost theirs; others just won't go to church anymore. How is that helping His kingdom, by breaking people so completely? Though all of this I have found a deeper understanding of the bible, found resources to help me understand those things that are unclear, an understanding of what to look for in my next church and people that keep directing me back to His path.

I just want to stop the pain,

Just know I hurt, and I don't want to.

Jen