Keep the Ring On It: Staying Happily Married

The 15 minute wife

2011-03-04T00:13:00.004-05:00

I have gotten myself sick with all the things a wife has to do to stay married. I am on the verge of asking myself if I'd rather leap tall buildings! This Superwoman thing has me worn out. This is a busy time of year for me at work with all these damn meetings. And then there's my 8th grader: middle school endings, preparation for high school beginning, extracurricular activities, hormones & homework. Patients to see, emails to read, shopping to do, family, friends, & Facebook. Did I say work and all these meetings? To top it off, I'm a newlywed with a husband to tend to. You get it. I'm busy & sometimes it's not enough hours in the day. I come to the bedroom exhausted. I certainly don't want to "communicate". Some days I don't want to kiss and say goodnight. But today I am making a new law in my house. Everyday I will give my husband 15 minutes of uninterrupted time. No TV, no phone, nothing but us. Just 15 minutes. I hope most days that 15 minutes turn into hours as we do what we love to do with each other *wink. But some days 15 minutes may be all a Superwoman can give.

Wife Material: 5 roles you need to play

2011-03-03T01:29:00.061-05:00

These are the 5 roles every wife plays to keep a happy man at home.

1. Fun Buddy - Therapists say this is a big complaint among men. Women stop participating in leisure activities with their spouse. It's no big deal to you but you used to watch football with him (though you hated it) and now you won't. Sometimes you even complain that he watches it too much. They recommend you & your spouse be honest about what interests you as individuals and try to create a list of activities that you both can share and enjoy. Activities that don't make the list can still be around for either of you to enjoy but they shouldn't consume great amounts of time. That way you or your spouse won't find yourselves having too much fun with another "buddy".

2. A domestic diva - I know you're a modern, working woman but your man still needs you to be domestic. Learn how to cook please. Then don't neglect the housekeeping and laundry duties. Regardless of how filthy he was as a bachelor, everyone enjoys a clean house. Home should be where you both feel safe and relaxed. If you're too busy or too tired, rather than fight with him maybe you can hire a maid to come in once a month (or more).

3. Cheerleader - This is the easiest role to play! And he will never tell you but he needs you to be his cheerleader. Show him you adore him and you have nothing but respect and admiration. A few kind words go a long way.

4. Top Model - I know he loves you for who you are, he loves your heart, blah blah blah. It sounds good and politically correct but the truth is he sees your face when he wakes up and your ass when you walk away. He may never say anything to you but he notices those pounds you've gained, and those beauty appointments you've missed. Nobody is saying you can't change or he won't love you if you do. Just keep him looking at you with love and lust. And when all else fails, confidence and heels work miracles.

5. Porn Star - A wife of 30 years whose husband adores her gave me great advice. "You are not your husband's mother, advisor, financial planner, or therapist. But you are his freak." In 30 years we'll have a lot of memories and I want most of ours to come from the bedroom.

March Madness: 30 days, 30 articles.

2011-03-01T22:26:00.000-05:00

Some of you have said I jumped the gun with keeping the ring. I should have started with "getting the ring". And I promise I got you covered. How to get the ring in 60 days is coming soon. But if you really want me to start at the beginning you must know getting the ring is NOT the beginning. First thing to getting married & staying married is to accept that your life is not going to go as you planned it. Some of you went through college & started your career just as you planned. You were driven & focused. But in comparison to marriage, college was a cake walk. If you paint a perfect picture of your life and want your husband to be the frame: get a prenup! Your marriage will not work. That picture will be what you two create and it'll change as time goes on.

It is time to challenge your way of thinking. Take everything you think you want for your life & question it. Why do you really want to get married? Surely not because it's easier to live with another human being with a completely different upbringing, set of values, needs, wants,goals,......(we could identify the differences forever). Is it because that's your life plan: graduate high school, college, start career, then a family? Are you looking for a husband could share the load, split the costs, maybe even pay all the bills? Do you need to feel loved? Is it simply because your family wants you to? What about to be a queen for a day & walk down the aisle dressed in all white? The reasons could go on & on but too many of you want to get married and don't even know why. Take off your rose colored shades and get a good hard look at marriage. Read what the bible says about marriage. What characteristics do biblical wives have? What about women who have been married for years? Don't want the ring because your friends have a ring or because Beyonce' running around in a leotard waving her ring finger in the air. Marriage has only one guarantee. You will give up aspects of yourself and your life to someone who is imperfect!!! And for that reason alone he will never do enough to "deserve" you. Now ask yourself: Am I even wife material?

2011-02-28T21:39:00.001-05:00

I absolutely love my life. I walked the line & stepped out of my comfort zone to find happiness and peace. I knew coming on this journey I'd lose folks along the way. I'd be blinded by my ambition or they'd be stuck in the image they created of me. I admit some people caught me by surprise and others were snakes waiting for the grass to be cut. But either way, I'm not looking back. So for those who are staying around: I love you. And for those who aren't: thanks for not wasting any more of my time.

The Only True Happy Ending!

2011-02-27T14:52:00.006-05:00

If you're looking for a happy ending, death during sex may be your solution. At least that's what Kay McConaughey, Matthew's mom, says. In her book, "I Amaze Myself!", Kay talks about her life with her son, how to be a good listener, and how her husband died in the heat of passion.

"On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love," Kay said "But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened."

"I knew that something was wrong, because I didn't hear anything from him. Just nothing," she said. "But it was just the best way to go!"

Kay says she insisted that Jim McConaughey who she married three times, be carried out of the house naked after he was pronounced dead.

"I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift," she recalled.

The irony in this story is that statistics show that most men who die during sex are sleeping with a mistress. Can you imagine the guilt, pain, and shame? On the flip side, Kay McConaughey who should have been grief stricken was proud to show off her "big old (husband) and his gift". I'd say that's a happy ending indeed.

Wanna Quickie?

2011-02-23T00:19:00.000-05:00

Here's a quickie: Bonnie & Clyde should not be your relationship coach!

Happy Wife = Happy Life

2011-02-18T01:19:00.000-05:00

8 No Fail Rules to staying a Happy Wife!

1. Don't live in a bubble. Just because you are now Mr. & Mrs. Such & Such doesn't mean you have to be attached at the hip and forget everything and everyone else. Have other outlets or you'll drive each other crazy. So keep being the same fascinating chick he fell in love. You'll have a lot more to talk about with your new husband.

2. Don't worry. You've still got it. When you were single you were the shit!! Now you're married it's ok to miss the jaws dropping when you walked in the room. But don't go flaunting those goods in anyone's face but your beloved. Don't worry you still have power. You just have to get your daily proof from the man that comes home to you every night.

3. Love the in-laws. Your in-laws may be the worst, but when you see them you'd better smile & welcome them with open arms. After all, they birthed your terrific husband (even if divine intervention is the only reason he turned out good).

4. Do not even think about keeping up with the Joneses! Let's get things straight. There will always be a couple that is funnier, more attractive, sexier, wealthier, nicer, hipper, healthier, smarter, more successful, and more glamorous than you two. Got it? Stop comparing your relationship to other couples, some of whom you will find out later were just faking it on the road to divorce court, or else you'll miss out on enjoying how happy you are....just the way you are.

5. Fight a clean fight. When you were dating you'd ignore his calls, go out with your single friends for drinks, & he'd be sniffing around you like a dog in heat. Trust me that is not going to work now. And don't you dare without the coochie. In fact, give him the coochie & at least he'll at listen to you. If he doesn't, no worries. You'll remind him 10,000 more times over the next 60 years.

6. Be fabulous. Be comfortable being unconventional, glamorous, or unique. Yes being a wife means you'll have to change some things but you don't have to become Clare Huxtable. You've found someone who loves you, flaws and all, so be the marvelous off-beat woman that he fell in love with and never try to be some cookie-cutter wife.

7. Be romantic. Sounds crazy but sometimes it's easy to forget what got you married in the first place. Don't stop being romantic, sexy, creative, impulsive, spontaneous, and crazy in love now that it seems easier to rent a video and order takeout. Take tango lessons, get season tickets to the ballet or hockey, go ice-skating hand-in-hand, and let him pick you up for a date. Don't be afraid to be unabashedly Hallmark-card cheesy and profess your love. Whatever it was that got you thinking he was the man for you, keep doing it. Most important, don't ever forget the power of an unexpected drop-everything-middle of the day-top of the morning-middle of the night-love making session.

8. Be thankful for your guy. There are times when married life will make you think back to your sensational single days with longing and alarm. I know sometimes the love of your life will drive you insane but be real, you weren't that happy being single. If you were, you wouldn't be married. So now that you're done glamorizing the single life, recognize your marriage won't be picture perfect. Suck it up & ride it out (figuratively & literally)!!

Adapted from The Thoroughly Modern Married Girl

Say "I love you" for $100

2011-02-17T00:03:00.000-05:00

This year Valentine Day came too quickly. I mean we just got back from our honeymoon after having our fabulous wedding on January 15, 2011. So when I completely forgot Valentine's Day I didn't think it was a big deal, right? My mother thought I was #deadwrong. She was on her soap box about women who get a man only to neglect him. "Keep doing what you did to get him" is her motto. She is a firm believer that you can't ever slack up. I became defensive, almost self-righteous "As far as I can remember Valentine's Day isn't my job" I said. But in my husband's defense he planned a date for us on Sunday and I refused to wake up from my nap since I was "too tired". Then to add insult to injury, I agreed to work late on Monday (probably for someone who had big V-Day plans themselves). So I reluctantly took my mother's advice to plan "something small". My mother, who could easily pass for Dr. Ruth, had endless ideas from innocent to masochistic. Here is what we came up with for about $100 and virtually no time.

Chocolate dipped strawberries (using a fondue set at home my mother dipped strawberries in both white and milk chocolate) $8
Take out from the local Japanese steakhouse - hibachi chicken, steak, & shrimp with salad & soup & 24 pieces of sushi (California & spicy tuna rolls) $57 for 2 ($88 for 3 people)
Bartenura Moscato - $12
Strawberry Shortcake - $15 (Desserts by Gerard is so delicious)
Pandora Radio Station - free on my Macbook
Tealight candles - $4 for a ton from Ikea (keep them handy)
Tablecloth - borrowed from my mother

With my takeout in tow, I headed home to set up for a lovely evening. The bad part about Valentine's Day is overcrowded restaurants and work/school the next day. But we made the best of it. I walked in and immediately set up the dinner. I asked the boys, the name I use to refer to my husband and son, to stay upstairs until I called them down for a surprise. I quickly spread out a table cloth on the floor, lit all of the candles, dimmed the lights, took the takeout out of the Styrofoam containers, broke out "the good china", poured glasses of wine (and lemonade for my son), set up each person's place setting, cut on the music, and quickly changed into my white apron with red hearts and a pair of red pumps. SN: I wore a halter top & boy shorts under the apron. If this was a "grown folks" dinner I would have only worn the apron & heels ;). When they came downstairs, I was standing there ready to cater to the men in my life like a mixture of Mrs. June Cleaver & Beyonce'. And in less than 20 minutes, a romantic dinner for 3 was served. We enjoyed good music, delicious food, great conversation, and exchanged our gifts. They both appreciated the dinner & it didn't break the bank. Some people may think I should have left my son out but children need to see and understand love. They certainly are surrounded by sex. I hope we all get rich and can rent Catamarans for lunch but until we do use your creativity to show your love.

Child Please.....This is only the beginning

2011-02-16T23:00:00.003-05:00

After the season finale of "The Ultimate Catch", the tournament style reality show where dozens of women competed for Chad Ochocinco using a bracket elimination system, every blogger in the world has been fascinated with Chad's love life. So when Evelyn Lozada, reality star of VH1's Basketball Wives, and Chad Ochocinco, (formerly known as Chad Johnson), of the Cincinatti Bengals first started flirting on twitter I ignored it. I mean they both have similar on-screen personalities so I thought it was harmless. Maybe I believed they'd clash. Or maybe I thought Evelyn Lozada wasn't his type. She's certainly not one of those "make me vomit in my mouth" subpar chicks from that reality show. But I did take notice when I saw the pictures of the Louboutins and long-stemmed red roses Ochocinco sent to Evelyn's shoe boutique attached with a card saying "Child Please this is only the beginning". After a few short months they're happily engaged and Evelyn is sporting the 10 carat diamond engagement ring to prove it.

On Valentine's Day Chad had the eyes of everyone on Twitter when he tweeted:
"I am going HAM today, I emailed @evelynlozadao a map and itinerary for today, I wish yall could see the creative shit i got planned. It's on!!

It really was on! He blindfolded his fiance' and had her serenaded by a violin band. They then enjoyed lunch/dinner at sea aboard a 70 foot Catamaran with a private chef and a coincidental dolphin show. From the twitpics and tweets, it appeared as if they had a wonderful day. And even though Valentine's Day is the one day that we are supposed to embrace love, the haters couldn't resist dishing out the negativity. I've posted some pictures of their date. See for yourself that Chad didn't lie when he said "Child please this is only the beginning".

How Cinderella devoured the modern wife

2011-02-10T22:07:00.000-05:00

Just google Cinderella wedding and you'd be surprised to find out how many businesses thrive just by selling fairy tale wedding items. They have everything from $1 shoe favors to a $30,000 Cinderella castle cake made with edible gold (see pictures below). Disney Weddings sell out yearly. Many women want the fairy tale wedding complete with the happily ever after life. I know you're probably wondering who these women are that still crave the magic of the "Fairy Godmother" and still hope they can fit the glass slipper. They're everyday women, the girl next door. In fact, my BFF had a beautiful castle cake at her wedding. As a matter of fact, I even looked twice at a glass castle cake topper for my own wedding cake.

Every little girl dreams of her wedding day, when she is a princess for a day in a beautiful white gown, walking on rose petals and dancing with her prince charming. We all know the tale of Cinderella, who danced at the ball with a handsome prince, then lost her slipper. The Prince later finds her by going door to door to find the beautiful girl who fit the shoe. It shows how dreams do come true. And what girl doesn't want to be rescued, saved from her perpetrators?

So why is this beautiful woman, who still smiles and sings despite being treated like trash, destroying wives and the concept of marriage? The answer can be found in the end of the story. The end gave the impression that Cinderella's suffering was over as soon as she rode away with the prince. The days of being a slave to the evil stepmother and stepsisters were no more. Worked hard all of her life, was treated unfairly by jealous, evil people and then she got her just due because the won the heart of the most coveted man in the land. And she's the one princess that all girls can relate to. We've all suffered our share of hardship. Cinderella is the epitomy of happily ever after. And we all want her ending (whether we admit it or not).

Then we fall in love with our prince (or frog), he proposes and we have our fairy tale wedding (or as close as our budget allows us). But when we get past the wedding day we aren't always anticipating the gory days ahead. After all Cinderella leaves her mice behind, rides off in the carriage, and she and the Prince live Happily Ever After......THE END! Right?

Wrong. The beginning. The beginning of another set of issues. If Cinderella knew what we know now maybe she'd have taken her mice with her for some of the days to come. The days when her and the prince aren't dancing hand in hand to music playing in their heads. The days when he has to go to work and comes home stressed and doesn't want to talk. The days when the bills are piling up and the kids need new pairs of shoes. The days when she is feeling fat and moody and her feet are too swollen to dance. Many wives and husbands go into marriages with the false hope that everything will be good and as soon as the discord rears its ugly head, many of us pack up our dreams of happily ever after and cash them in for the single life. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Doesn't sound like happily ever after to me.

We all need to leave Cinderella behind and remember that our prince isn't always going to rescue us from evil. We may have to rescue him sometimes. We may have to slave for him sometimes. There will be days where he doesn't seem like a prince at all. But the same girls that believe in the magic of fairy godmothers enough to pay $30,000 for a Cinderella cake need to believe in the magic of marriage enough to stay and fight. Fight not for happily ever after but for one moment of happy, then the fight for the next....and the next.

And when we have our own daughters we'll remake the classic book and change the last page...And they live together ever after....The Beginning.

Marriage: Men are from Marvel and Women are from Mattel

2011-02-10T21:52:00.001-05:00

From the moment a little girl is born she is inundated with images of marriage. She is basically designed to fall in love, get married, have children, and live happily ever after. Look in any toy aisle and you'll see toys marketed for girls are dolls, doll houses, dress up clothes, and cooking gear. Then stroll your little girl on over to the books and movies aisle. There you'll find covers with fairies wearing tiaras and way too much frilly tulle. Whether it's the classic Cinderella or the newest Princess and the Frog, our girls learn that a beautiful girl is going to be whisked off her feet by a handsome prince and live happily ever after. Boys, on the other hand get to be superheroes and drive fast cars. Where are their children? Why don't they have houses to put their families in? Does Matchbox make Mini Vans?

Society screams the message to girls that they should be married while boys are shunned for wanting to be anything other than fast and furious. It's no wonder men grow up and want to cling to the single life as long as possible while women want to get a proposal from any man she's known longer than 5 minutes. She's chasing the ring & he's running from it.

I'm not suggesting that we start buying Barbie and Ken dolls and houses for our sons or Bob the Builder for our daughters. I'm suggesting we mutually understand why we seem to be on different pages when it comes to the "M" word. And maybe it's because of advertising dollars spent by two M companies.