As I pulled into a parking spot, I sat in the car for a minute and closed my eyes. I wanted to pray that I wouldn’t fall apart, but before I could utter a word, a movie began playing in my head. I could see that hurting, desperate 23 year-old girl who pulled into this very same parking spot in 2000. And suddenly I remembered it ALL.

Every room in that building.
The faces of the nurses.
The pictures of angel’s wings on the ceiling.
I remembered tripping on my way to the car because I was drugged and crying uncontrollably.
I even remembered the abortionist’s hands.

Perhaps I was being naïve, but I wasn’t prepared for the flood of emotions that came.

I also didn’t expect to be overcome with compassion for the mothers and fathers who were arriving one after the other and were convinced that killing their child was their ONLY choice. I could tangibly sense the despair and the hopelessness they felt. I remember it SO well.

I spoke with Robert and Lucia. They are both 18 years old, and Robert just enlisted in the military. He said his father abandoned him and if they have a child now, he wouldn’t be around to take care of the baby. Lucia didn’t say much, but her heart was not soft to hear what we had to say. We asked Robert how he could take a vow to defend America and then his first act as a Marine was going to be taking the life of his own child. He came out of the clinic several times and heard our pleas. But he chose death for his child.

I spoke with Beverly who already has 4 children and said the child in her womb had no heartbeat. I told her we would take her to the hospital around the corner to be sure, but she refused. She even looked right at me as said, “I know that God creates life.” She came out many times to smoke and would cry at the truth of my words. But she chose death for her child.

Matt and I talked to a young couple that looked to be about 4 months along in their pregnancy. They are both atheists and at first they were cussing at us and saying they weren’t going to listen. After awhile, however, they seemed to begin to soften a bit. She told us that the doctor told her she was too small to bear children and she would die in childbirth. We offered to take her to a high-risk OB/GYN to find out what the problem was, but just as she began to talk to us, her boyfriend grabbed her and took her in. Forty-five minutes later, she came out stumbling and groggy as her boyfriend opened the car door for her. I couldn’t help but think “So NOW you decide to be a gentleman? You are about forty-five minutes too late.” They chose death for their child.

the abortion clinic

Of the forty-six women who walked into this abortion clinic today, TWO chose LIFE. I know that heaven rejoices because those two babies were saved, but I wanted to do MORE.

At one point, one of the sidewalk counselors was pleading with the girls from outside the window. “You know that girl you were when you walked in that door? If you kill your child, you will NEVER be that girl again.”

I began to weep…grieving THAT Kelly.

But then I felt such an immense sense of gratitude. While I will never be that Kelly, I AM a NEW creation. I remembered Ephesians 2. I was DEAD in my sins, but because of His great love for ME, God, who is rich in mercy, made ME alive with Christ even when I was dead in transgressions.

As I left, I tried driving through my tears. How do you get past the heaviness that you feel for the babies and for the women who will suffer depression, addiction, suicidal thoughts, and lifelong regret?

However, once I stopped crying, I became VERY angry…like Jesus-turning-over-tables angry. My friend John, who prays outside of this clinic EVERY day, said that he cannot get ONE church to support him. He wasn’t even talking about financial support…he was talking about prayer support, sending people to pray, ANYTHING.

This infuriates me.

Honestly, this makes me NEVER want to step foot in a church again.

There are hundreds of churches within a 15-mile radius of this Orlando abortion clinic. While they are updating their offices, paying for sound systems, and preaching their fluffy messages, babies are DYING…over 3000 a day.

Friends, hear me, we MUST shake off our dullness and be SILENT NO MORE…and STAGNANT no more!

I am angry with pastors who never mention abortion and will not lend a hand to people like my friend, John. I am angry with those who think that writing a check is enough and never think about actually DOING anything for the unborn.

I am angry with Christians who do NOTHING to stand for the least of these and still call themselves Christians.

GOD.HAVE.MERCY.

My hero, John, who pleads for the babies every day...

Most of the words I’ve received have been about music…recording an album, writing songs that reach millions, music being on the radio…that type of thing. I didn’t know anything about prophecy, but I thought that seemed a little obvious since I was the girl singing and playing piano on the platform. Looking back, I think I wanted confirmation that the Lord really noticed me, but my prophetic words seemed to only reassure me that the “prophet” noticed me.

Anyway, as I continued listening to the teaching, I was intrigued. She began to do an exercise on how to prophecy. As she was explaining it, she decided it would be best to DO it rather than just talk about it.

“I’ll try it out on you!” she says, as she points toward the back of the room at ME. Before I had a chance to run or crawl under my chair (I thought about doing both), she was standing next to me with her hand on my shoulder. For a minute she just stood there with her eyes closed, and I braced myself.

“The Lord showed me you’re in an arena. Bright lights. Someone is dancing. You are singing, but there aren’t any lights on you. Then, the Lord sweeps in and picks you up and sets you in a room. He violently begins to remove everything in the room until it’s completely white. You are in a white dress, and there’s this beautiful sense of LIFE and freedom in the room. Then, the Lord sweeps in again and returns you to the arena. Only this time, you aren’t on the stage. You’re behind it. And you’re telling everyone about the Man who rescued you. Hear what the Lord says: My daughter, I saved you so you can save others. I will send you back in. You are an intercessor for celebrities. Save those whom I love. Save the celebrities.”

That was almost 5 years ago, and I haven’t thought much about that day. I have several cards that are covered with the names of celebrities and I pray for them regularly but other than that, it’s not something I think about often.

Then last night I had a very vivid dream. I was standing in my kitchen, and a nice old man came in the front door. I wasn’t scared or startled. He felt familiar. He sat down at my kitchen table and asked me to come sit down. He took my hand and said, “Dear, I’m sending you back in.” He nodded and I smiled as if I knew exactly what he was talking about. Then he left. That was it.

The funny thing is I’m pretty sure I was never “in”. (whatever that means) Over a decade later, the only steady, solid, unchanging, faithful thing I know is Jesus, and wherever He sends me, I’ll go.

Pray, friends.

the ones He loves...

2011 is over. Let’s all breathe a sigh of relief! Among the chaos, though, God has done something in my heart. I’m a little calmer. I love a little easier. I give mercy and grace with a little less reserve.

All I can say is that it’s true. Everything you read in the Bible is true. The Truth sets you free…and a tiny part of my heart feels free.

2012 holds much promise. We hope this will be the year we adopt. We will continue to pray for and plead with men and women not to choose abortion and to choose Jesus. We will be Silent No More. Lord willing, Matt will keep golfing and I’ll keep singing.

Many will spend 2012 focusing their efforts on electing a new President. While this is important, I want to focus my eyes on the One who is the only answer for America.

In 2011, I became convinced that He notices me, so I’m determined to keep going after Him with less distractions. I’ll pray that you do the same.

Blessings my friends!

Dear Kelly,

This morning, a series of events led me to go to your website. I have spent the last several hours reading your blogs and the comments that follow. I am asking the Holy Spirit to guide my mind and hands as I write this letter to you. I am writing this with a heart filled with love and admiration. My heart aches for the pain you have endured and it yearns for the clock that I wish I could turn back and change the mistakes your father and I made in raising our daughters. It is not fair that hindsight is so clear!

It would be very easy for me to defend every decision your dad and I made as you were growing up. I could say, “We did the best we could”, or “You have no idea what we were going through”, or how about this one…“We were young and stupid and no one taught us how to be parents!” We made a conscience effort to protect our daughters from every hurtful, damaging, and unsafe situation that came along. Because we both grew up in very “unsafe” families, we thought that was the answer to raising happy, healthy daughters. Every decision we made was with that goal in mind. I think that was a noble goal…but, with unintended consequences.

As I have learned more and more about the struggles that you have overcome, I keep asking myself the same question. “Why didn’t Kelly come to me and let me help her through this time in her life?”; “Why did she feel she could not trust that I would walk with her through her pain?”. What you don’t know is that I WAS struggling with you through this time…I just did not know WHY. I was not strong enough to ask you for the truth because I was afraid of the answer. In my heart, I knew the truth…but I was so afraid of losing you and my grandaughter, I stepped into the shadow and prayed that God would protect you both.

As you are learning each day, parenting is like shooting at a target. Sometimes you hit a bulls eye, but most of the time, you are just lucky to hit the target! If your dad and I could look at your “growing-up” target, we would see a few bulls eyes, but I know there were far too many near misses and, Lord knows, there were too many complete misses! My heart aches for another shot at it, knowing what I know now!

As I watch you and your sister raising your children, I am grateful that you have taken the mistakes that your father and I made and are working so hard to correct them in your parenting. Sometimes, I have to smile when I hear you both make comments to your children that result in the same rolled eyes and sighs that you made. In a strange way, that feels really good.

But….here is the real reason for this letter. For every daughter that has aborted a child, there is a mother and a father who must find healing from the guilt and pain they feel. There are so many emotions that we feel…abandonment, shame, sadness, fear, depression, confusion, and failure. I have wrestled with “where did I go wrong?” and “what else could I have done?” ever since I learned your story. I have prayed that God would show me what to do with all of these emotions and then clearly reveal to me how to channel my confusion in a way that would glorify Him. I have asked that my shame be replaced with grace and God has granted that request.

My journey has led me to many interesting places. I have a never-ending thirst to find my purpose. I believe your story has led your father and me to become more mature Christians with a discernment that can only come from God. Like you, we know that the past is the past, but it is our past that makes us who we are today. Without our struggles and pain, there would be no reason to search for answers. In our weakness, we have been drawn closer to our Savior. We are listening more than we ever have. Some of God’s answers scare me to death, but I know He is enlarging our territory in ways that we could have never imagined. All of this is happening because of your story. God has used the heartache of your experience to help other post-abortive women and He is molding, shaping, and leading your dad and me to be more bold in our daily lives. We are waiting for His lead and I feel we are on the brink of some important answers!

My prayer is that other parents who find themselves in this situation will drop to their knees and ask God to form their words and direct their paths. “Blame” is an awful word. It causes so much harm and has the potential to cause irreparable damage. We have learned that many of the emotions you have felt after your decision are many of the same emotions we have felt. Your healing has been a difficult journey. Our healing has been difficult for some of the same reasons. It takes time. I fear that there are many parents who are suffering silently.

Kelly…help me to help other parents….maybe that is where God is leading us!!

With love and passionate prayers,
Mom

Well, here’s a great example…

On Friday morning, I tweeted, “thinking of driving to Alabama to see @OctoberBabyFilm”

Within a few minutes I was on the phone with Dan Atchison, the film’s producer, and he invited us to the premier that night in Birmingham with the cast and crew. We moved a few things around and we were on the road to Alabama.

I didn’t know much about October Baby except that it was a movie about a girl who found out she was an abortion survivor. To my surprise, the film is much deeper than that.

October Baby follows Hannah (played by Rachel Hendrix) as she goes on a journey to find her biological mom…AND find herself. The exchanges between Hannah, her adoptive parents and her best friend, Jason, all paint a sobering, truthful picture about wondering who you are and where you come from.

Without even knowing that she was adopted or the survivor of an abortion, Hannah grew up feeling like something just didn’t fit. She felt like an outsider, and she built walls to protect herself. She had all of the symptoms of living through trauma…even though the trauma all occurred earlier than her memory could take her.

As the film progressed, I recognized the uniqueness of the relationship between Hannah and Jason (played by Jason Burkey). He was so tender and patient with her. He helped her discover answers to the questions in her life by becoming the one truth that she knew. His integrity and honesty were traits that are scarce in young men these days.

One of the most powerful scenes in the movie for me was when Hannah tracks down the nurse from the abortion clinic, played by Jasmine Guy. I don’t want to give anything away here, so I’ll just say that I was STUNNED at the honesty of what the nurse shared. She talked about the truth of what goes on in abortion clinics. I cried and cried. The truth HAS to be told, and the makers of October Baby were not afraid to tell it.

Hannah does find her birth mother, and after much soul searching and a heart to heart with a priest, she decides to forgive her. She writes the words “I forgive you” on a torn piece of paper and leaves it on her birth mother’s desk. As a post abortive woman, I truly believe this scene in the movie healed a small part of my soul. I have dreams of hearing an “I forgive you.” Maybe one day.

After the movie, we were able to speak with some of the cast and one of the directors, Jon Erwin. We thanked them for their boldness and their honesty in making this movie and for taking on roles that most actors would run from. Many people don’t realize the ramifications of standing for Christ and His values in Hollywood, but I surely do.

Also, the quality of this movie is stellar. It looks and feels like a high budget, Hollywood-produced film. Praise the Lord for THAT!

PLEASE go see this film. It is playing in Mississippi, Alabama and Tennessee right now. Take your friends and family to see it. Take your older children and let it open up a dialogue in your home about the importance of EVERY life. As I travel on behalf of the Silent No More Awareness Campaign, I am going to use October Baby to speak of the many victims of abortion. I am only one person, but my voice will be heard.

On our way home to Atlanta, our 15 year old daughter was sitting in the back seat of the car. She asked, “Mom, how are abortions done?” Honestly, I cringed for a moment. Everything becomes more real when you say it out loud.

We fumbled around with the right words, but there really is no way to wrap abortion in a nice, palatable package. She began weeping and said, “How can we allow this? Do people know? Oh, Mom, I’m so glad you’re speaking out.”

Then, I asked her if she forgave us for aborting her siblings.

“Of course I do, Mom…and they forgive you, too.”

I walked in and took a seat while I waited for my stylist to come get me. I can’t even make up what happened next.

On the other side of the wall, I heard this conversation:

Girl #1: “Well, I’ve always been pro-choice, especially if there’s something wrong.”

((I look around for candid camera.))

Girl#2: “Yeah I’ve been sick for a month. I just don’t think I can do this if there’s something wrong with the baby.”

((After I get over my shock, I begin to pray. I thought I was here to get my hair colored, but apparently You have other plans, Jesus.))

Girl #1: “I think you did the right thing by making the appointment. It’s harder to talk yourself out of it once you have a time to get it done. Will your husband drive you?”

((HUSBAND??))

Girl #2: “No, he doesn’t know I’ve been thinking about abortion. I think I will just tell him I had a miscarriage.”

((Here we go!))

As I round the corner with my “Pray to end abortion” t-shirt and my LIFE band, I felt the Holy Spirit say, “meekness and kindness, Kelly”, and I thanked Him for the reminder.

Me: “I couldn’t help but overhear what you guys were talking about and I’ve never felt stronger in my life that I was put in this room by God.”

((Their mouths drop open, and they just stare at me. I take a deep breath.))

Me: “I don’t know if you know God, but He knows your baby. He already has his or her life planned out. He gave you that baby and believed that life would be safe in your womb. PLEASE don’t do what I did many years ago. Please don’t kill your baby.”

((30 seconds of silence ensued that felt like an hour…and then they both start to cry.))

Girl #2: “But they think my baby has Down Syndrome. I don’t know how to care for a retarded child.”

Me: “Your child isn’t retarded. Your child may have special needs that will be a challenge. But the joy that child will bring you will overshadow EVERYTHING else.”

((I had the Loux’s and Mattie’s homecoming fresh in my mind. So I took out my phone and started to show her pictures of him.))

Me: “Look at that baby’s smile. He has so much love. If you don’t think you can provide that, please don’t take your baby’s life away. Let someone else love him/her. I would love your baby like my own.”

((She begins to weep and takes my hand.))

Girl #2: “He’s mine. I know he’s mine. I can’t do it. God will help me.”

((I cried and prayed with her.))

I sat for the 2 hours with a grateful heart and didn’t mind it much.

Before Girl #2 left the salon, she came over to thank me and said she was a walk-in. She doesn’t even get her hair cut there.

Honestly, I was terrified to stand up and say something. My heart was almost beating out of my chest, but I did it anyway….and I think me and Jesus (and Mattie) may have saved a baby today.

And THAT’S a good day. #OverwhelmedWithHisKindness

Nothing necessarily bad has happened…so maybe it’s silly.

It seems everyone I know is having babies. And I want to rejoice. I want to hold their babies and tell my friends how awesome motherhood is and what a blessing my kids are.

But all I can think is that 2 of my kids are missing.

My mind becomes consumed with grief. And then guilt…there you are again…

I feel like the most selfish person on the planet. I mean, this is MY FAULT. I chose abortion. Then, a few years later, I chose permanent birth control.

SO. MUCH. REGRET.

Last night I was searching my memory about something, and I said to my husband “Was that before or after my abortion?” And then I broke down.

You never look ahead to your life and think that’s a question that will ever come out of your mouth.

In the next 24 hours, around 4000 women will do what I did. You will convince yourself that it’s no big deal, kill your child and permanently break your own heart.

A mother protects her children….and I didn’t…and today, the pain seems unbearable.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

During the first Sunday service we attended, my daughter and I were completely captivated by one of the drummers during worship. It seemed he couldn’t be more than 16 years old. He had so much passion, and he was BAD…like bad meaning GOOD. You know, like the difference between “that girl sings well” and “that girl can SANG”. I couldn’t decide if I was more enamored with his talent or with the way that I truly felt the Lord when he played.

We found out later that drummer was Caleb Graves. We also discovered that although he plays the drums with such intensity and focus, when he comes out of the drum cage, he is one of the most joyful and kind people we’ve ever known. He gave my kids a few drum lessons. We went to Steak ’n Shake one night after church. We passed each other often while I was in my internship.

I talked with Caleb a few months ago when he was flying to New York to surprise his girlfriend, Victoria, with a wedding proposal. We joked back and forth. He was nervous and I just love watching two kids in love. Oh, I forgot to mention, Caleb isn’t 16. He’s 22 years old. ☺

Last Sunday, I got a text message that Caleb had been in accident. In true Caleb fashion, he had pulled over after dark to help a stranded motorist in the road. While Victoria sat in the car, Caleb went to help push this man’s car out of the road. Before anyone knew what happened, a car came out of nowhere and hit Caleb. He immediately lost his left foot. His right leg was broken in three places. But even in excruciating pain, Victoria said he just started calling on the name of Jesus. You can watch news about the accident here.

We went to see Caleb and Victoria this past Saturday, not even one week after the accident. He was smiling and making conversation and wanted to hold my hand. Victoria was talking about the accident and about how Caleb has been witnessing to doctors and nurses and how many people have been affected by what happened. The presence of the Lord truly entered the room and we all started laughing and feeling so grateful for God giving joy in the midst of suffering. The next day, they moved Caleb out of the ICU! Amazing!

With all of the miracles that have happened in the past week, Caleb still has a long road ahead of rehabilitation. He has been in a lot of pain and unable to sleep and just tonight he has begun experiencing phantom pain. Today Victoria said, “He was in so much pain that he was calling out to Jesus to help him and then started thanking God for what is happening in his life and asking God to give him Joy through all of this suffering.” That’s Caleb.

Friends, PLEASE fast and pray for Caleb, Victoria and their families with confidence that the Lord hears our cries and will work everything out for their good because they love Him. Also, the medical expenses that Caleb is going to have in the future will be substantial. A prosthetic limb can cost tens of thousands of dollars. Please go to www.helpcalebgraves.org and give extravagantly toward Caleb and Victoria’s future. I have NO doubt that months and years down the road, we will all see them taking their pain and making it their purpose to tell the world about the Lord’s faithfulness. THANK YOU!

“I believe when I see Your face, it’s gonna be worth it all…even through trials & tribulation, when I see Your face, it’s gonna be worth it all…”

When I started 3 months ago, I knew there would be challenges to making it work, but I decided to jump in anyway believing that the Lord would give us all the grace to make it through. And He did.

I am so grateful to my family for all of the sacrifices they made for me to be able to do this. They ate lots of fast food, did laundry and dishes, spent tons of time in the café at IHOP or in the prayer room with me, and took the trip back and forth to Lawrenceville with me several times a week.

Also, I am SO thankful for the leadership at IHOP for helping to make this schedule work for a girl who lives an hour away and had to balance family and prayer room time. They even talked me off the ledge a few times when I felt like I couldn’t keep going!

The beautiful people I was privileged to learn and grow next to for a season have left a lasting handprint on my heart. Tomorrow, most of them will return to their homes, scattered across the country, to go to school, get jobs or just wait to see what’s next for them. Ashley, Kathryn, Meghan, Megan, Christina, Alyse, Joseph, Richard, Chris, Gaby, Brenda, and Amber: As we all stood in the fire hydrant of teaching and tried to drink it in, we probably took in enough to get us ONE mile down the road! Keep reading, meditating, trusting, leaning, and asking questions. When you read over your notes on Fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit, I hope you will laugh a little thinking about my frustration and then pray for me! ☺

I am convinced that everyone should do an internship…young, old, married, single, with kids or without, you will never regret spending a mere 3 months out of your 80+ years at the feet of Jesus. You will stand in awe at how God provides everything you need when you say yes to Him, even if it’s a weak, hesitant yes.

And for all of the sacrifices, weary and dry days, and times when God exposed dark parts of my heart, He also poured out His love, showed me His heart for me and His delight in me, and He spoke to me in new ways. I know that this is just the beginning. Three months doesn’t even scratch the surface of the junk around my heart, so I will keep going.

Beautiful Mercy, do what You have to do.

The plaintiff’s mother paid $1300 to have an abortion in November of 2001 when she was 22 weeks pregnant (more than half way to her due date). If everything went right, her baby would be stillborn in a toilet and then thrown in the garbage.

Yes, you read that right.

After 12 hours of labor, the mother left the clinic very upset & went to a nearby hospital because the process was taking too long. It was there that she gave birth to a little girl weighing 1 lb 6 oz. That little girl is now 10 years old. She has cerebral palsy, no function of left side of body, strokes/brain damage, physical, emotional & cognitive delays, lung damage & chronic lung disease & seizure disorder.

This is the same doctor who, in addition to running 5 abortion clinics in Florida, also runs a late-term abortion clinic in the Washington, DC area “specializing” in abortions past the 24th week, and as far as we know, he still has NO medical license. His medical license was suspended in 2010 for botched abortions, illegal late-term abortions, and dispensing drugs without a license.

Yes, you read that right.

His website has a section that reads: “We encourage all patients to at least see the baby minimally as we believe that this is the best way to bring closure for families. We are also prepared to help families have a memory of their child such as having a handprint or a footprint. Some patients want the baby to be cremated and others want a burial to take place.”

Yes, you read that right.

This doctor needs to be OUT OF BUSINESS. He needs to be brought to His knees. He needs the MERCY of Jesus. He needs to REPENT. Pray friends!