Jesus is worthy of waste. 

This is the idea I’ve been chewing on lately. What a subversive idea in a world that’s obsessed with numbers, analytics, growth, results, and efficiency. Jesus is worthy of waste.

Do you remember the scene in John 12 where Mary pours a year's worth of wages on Jesus’s feet?

“Mary therefore took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. But Judas Iscariot, one of his disciples (he who was about to betray him), said, “Why was this ointment not sold for three hundred denarii and given to the poor?” He said this, not because he cared about the poor, but because he was a thief, and having charge of the moneybag he used to help himself to what was put into it. Jesus said, “Leave her alone, so that she may keep it for the day of my burial. For the poor you always have with you, but you do not always have me.” (John 12:3–8)

I want to point out 5 things from this passage to highlight this idea that Jesus is worthy of waste.

1 | Mary wasted her ointment. (“anointed the feet”)

She doesn’t anoint his hands, his head, or his clothes. She anointed his feet. Now it likely wouldn’t have been appropriate for her to anoint his head or hands, but that’s not my point. She poured out something expensive and fragrant on feet. Feet that would soon walk the streets and quickly wear off the beautiful smell. At least on his hands the smell would have lasted longer. Feet that would soon be covered with dirt again. At least on his head it would have stayed clean longer. But she poured it out on feet. What a waste of perfume.

2 | Mary wasted a lot of ointment. (“sold for three hundred denarii”)

This is not the perfume sample you received at the mall. The cost of this perfume was about a year’s wages. What did you make last year? What was on your tax return? Do you own anything that’s equal to that amount? Maybe your house or a car. Mary owns something that valuable and she dispenses it all in a moment. What a waste of money.

3 | Mary’s ointment could have been more useful. (“given to the poor”)

As Judas observes, something that valuable could have done a lot of good for others. How many poor widows and homeless orphans could have been fed and clothed with the proceeds? How much good could you do with a year’s worth of wages? With a year’s worth of time? What a wasted opportunity.

4 | Concerns about usefulness are sometimes concerns about self. (“not because he cared”)

While Judas’s intentions seem godly and noble, this passage lifts the hood so we can see the self-centered motivation underneath. He was really only concerned about himself and how he could benefit from giving to the poor. Is it any different for us today? How often are our desires for ministry really desires for our own success or fame? Sometimes what we label stewardship of time, money or talents, is just love for self in disguise.

5 | Jesus is more important than being useful. (“but you do not always have me”)

In one moment, Jesus says, I’m more important than the poor. He agrees with Judas that the poor could be greatly helped by the proceeds of this perfume. Yes, good could have been done. Yes, it would have been efficient and effective and quantifiable. But. BUT. “I’m here,” Jesus says. The presence of Jesus trumps efficiency. It trumps efficacy. It trumps numbers and measurement.

Jesus is worthy of wasted time. Is this not what we do when we sabbath? We could be doing all sorts of good things for others, but instead we sit. We rest. We do nothing. Because Jesus is more valuable than productivity.

Jesus is worthy of wasted resources. Isn’t this what we do when we give our money and possessions away? We could invest it. We could sell it. We could make it profitable. But Jesus is more valuable than a rate of return.

Jesus is worthy of wasted talents. Isn’t this what we do when we take up the posture of a servant? Am I capable of doing more than the dishes and laundry? Yes. Am I capable of doing more than the grunt work at my office? Of course. If I truly become a servant and slave to all (Mark 10:44), will I waste my potential? Will my giftings and abilities lie dormant? Absolutely. But Jesus is more valuable than my potential.

This is my prayer for myself and for you. Let us waste our lives on Jesus. He’s worthy. He’s supremely lovely. He’s THE treasure of the universe. And nothing poured out at his feet will ever be lost.

I need no convincing that my primary ministry calling is in my home. I know this, and it is this that haunts me. You see, I’m married to a man in full-time ministry; we have three kids under the age of seven, two of which I homeschool; and we currently have three young single women renting out our spare bedroom. Our life at home is busy and full of ministry opportunities.

And yet God continues to make it clear that obedience to Him also includes some ministry outside my home as well. Through the consistent encouragement of my husband and many friends, I find myself writing regularly, teaching classes at church, leading a small group, and discipling women at my church. I’m haunted because I know both the eternal value of the home and how tempting it is to give precedence to my responsibilities outside of it. I’m haunted because I’m afraid I’ll miss the mark in balancing these two competing arenas. In truth, I’ve often missed it. 

So where’s the rule book for handling these moments of home-ministry conflict? What should you do when your kids are sick the week of the women’s retreat? When someone in your small group calls you in desperation while your in-laws are in town? When your pastor asks you to take on another task when you’re barely making it through the laundry?

How can we discern when to say “yes” and when to say “no”? By recognizing the temptation of ministry, considering what our specific home needs to flourish, and embracing our limits.

The Temptation of Ministry

Though I know ministry in my home should trump ministry outside of it, my tendency is to bend to the demands of the former. Why? Partly because I feel those things give me significance. It feels good to be paid attention to and appreciated. The tasks I have at home don’t bring much appreciation and, by their very nature, are repetitive and menial. Though investing in the home has weighty and eternal significance, it is a “marathon” investment. And there are many other avenues where my skills can be used with immediate payoff.

But there’s another reason I’m tempted to prefer ministry over my home. I often forget that God doesn’t need me. He is not looking down from His throne biting His nails because I can’t answer that call from the woman who’s struggling with depression. He’s not worried about how the women of my church will be able to know Him because I couldn’t teach that class on Bible study methods this semester. He is the author and perfecter of their faith, not me. God needs me to be obedient to Him. And if that means saying “no” to something that seems urgent, then I can trust that He will handle the aftermath of my “no.”

An Issue of Priority

If you read what the Bible has to say about women and the home, you’ll notice it says little about how many commitments you can have outside the home and much about the attitude of a woman toward her home (Prov. 7:11–12, 14:1, 31:27). The home-ministry balance isn’t an issue of payment or time, but rather one of priorities.

Prioritizing the home doesn’t mean glorifying it. This is not about having Pinterest-worthy rooms and meals. And it isn’t even about how much time you stay at home. You can tear your home down through a negative, critical attitude while also keeping it clean. And you can ignore the spiritual and emotional needs of your family while you’re at home just as easily as if you were working sixty hours a week.

The goal of prioritizing the home is to see it flourish. Flourishing is defined as “growing or developing in a healthy or vigorous way, especially as the result of a particularly congenial environment.”1 Our responsibility is to foster that favorable environment for healthy and vigorous growth in our families—spiritually, emotionally, and physically. 

The Picture of a Flourishing Home

No two households are the same. What your family needs to flourish will depend on many factors, including what activities happen in your home and what each person’s day-to-day looks like. This requires that you study your family to observe which needs are the most important and which ones can be overlooked at times without much negative impact.

There are three major areas where we want to see our households thriving: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Consider where your home is at as you read the sections below.

1. Spiritual Thriving

You should care deeply about the spiritual climate of your home and be active in creating a Christ-centered environment. This is our calling as believers: to make disciples! Where better to start than at home?

This always starts with taking care of your own soul and creating space to seek God yourself. You cannot give what you do not have. Secondly, be aware of the spiritual condition of every family member and thoughtfully consider how to impart truths about God through daily activities and traditions. Lastly, actively take precautions against the influences of the world, the flesh, and Satan.

Without spiritual thriving, your house may be organized and your family well cared for, but they may lack knowledge of God’s Word and understanding of the gospel of Jesus.

2. Emotional Thriving

Our homes should be safe places for those who live in them. So how can we ensure that our families feel secure and free to be themselves?

Be sensitive to each family member’s personality. Pay attention to how each person handles stress and consider ways to refresh and encourage them. Be a peacemaker in your home. This means being aware of any relational difficulties within your home, or any conflict and unrest, and pursuing peace. Be an intercessor. Pray for those in your homes and look to God for direction on how to minister to each person.

Without emotional thriving, your home may be organized and growing in a knowledge of God, but it may be fractured, with each person feeling isolated, uncared for, and that they must fend for themselves.

3. Physical Thriving

Helping your home flourish is much more than taking care of the physical house, but it is certainly not less. The physical space you live in impacts the activity of those who live in it. This encompasses all the tangible aspects of your home: food, cleanliness and order, decoration and room layouts, and schedule management. It’s easy to forget to be strategic in this area because most of these things happen no matter what. But when thoughtful planning is given to the basic physical and tangible aspects of the home, it can be an incredible blessing to the family.

Without physical thriving, your family may be growing in a knowledge of God and each person may feel cared for, but it may be chaotic, dirty, and overly busy with little sense of purpose and direction. 

Live Within Your Limits

You cannot do everything. Not only that, you may not be able to do everything your neighbor or friend can do. Understanding and living within your limits requires humility. We are not limitless like our God; we are not omnipotent. We need to humbly accept that every “yes” we give also requires a “no.” If you say “yes” to leading a Bible study, what should you say “no” to in order to make space for that? If you say “yes” to adopting a child, what responsibility can you say “no” to in order to make space for that?

A “yes” to ministry may mean cutting out unnecessary things like hobbies, entertainment, or social engagements. It may mean delegating a few things in your home that don’t affect the flourishing of your home, by doing something like regularly hiring a cleaning service or choosing more easily prepared ready-made meals. Saying “no” and delegating tasks is a way to humbly embrace our limits as finite creatures.

Regularly Reevaluate

As the lives of those within your home change, adjust with them. Ministry outside the home may fit well in one season but not another. Make efforts to regularly check your heart motives and the “climate” of your home so that ministry doesn’t become a mindless habit, but an intentional effort.

Lay all your “yeses” before the Lord often. Write down all the areas you are responsible for and ask God for wisdom. Ask others in your life what they think about all you do. Ask your husband and kids how they feel about your other commitments. Seek the Lord with all your heart and fear Him only, and He will be sure to lead you in every season and every decision. 

With God’s help, we can find peace and victory in this dance between ministry at home and ministry outside the home. Whatever we do, let us do so with all our hearts as though working for the Lord and not for men. Glorify Him in your “yeses” and your “nos” knowing He will give you strength to walk in obedience in each season.

I’ve been reading 1 Peter this week and it has been such a timely read! Peter addresses his letter to “the elect exiles.” His audience are people who feel out of place, who are suffering and being grieved by various trials. And isn’t that such an apt description of many Christians today… feeling out of place politically and culturally, and grieved by various trials like job loss, sickness, death, stressful distance learning situations, and more.

When we feel out of place and under the pressure of various trials, it produces a tension, one we are eager to get out of. Like a taut rubber band, we’re always pulling to get back to a position of rest and ease. And that longing for reprieve naturally leads us to look around and identify anything that will solve our problems. What will make us feel more at home in this world? What can alleviate our suffering? And whatever we deem most helpful to solve those problems, we will champion and proclaim. Can’t you see this happening all around you?

Peter too saw the need to proclaim something and he penned these words to those early Christians who were suffering and displaced:

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. (1 Peter 2:9)

Brothers and sisters — something supernatural has happened that has forever united us to one another. We are a chosen race! A royal priesthood! A holy nation! A people for his own possession! Even as we are feeling out of place and facing various trials, we are “being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood.” (1 Peter 2:5) But why? Why have we been joined together as believers in the Lord Jesus Christ?

To proclaim something.

But not just anything… to proclaim the excellencies of God!

In the midst of our tension, as we feel out of place in our own culture and country… In the midst of our tension, as we suffer various trials, we are not called to proclaim solutions to these tensions. We are not called to declare the excellencies of a particular political party or idea. We are not called to declare the excellencies of certain vaccine or homeopathic alternative. We are not called to declare the excellencies of our favorite solution to the distance learning challenges. That is not why we have been saved. That is not why we have been united into this royal priesthood.

We are called to proclaim the excellencies of God!

“But that doesn’t solve our problems."

That’s my first response to this truth. Maybe it’s yours as well. And you’re right. To direct all our proclamations to celebrate the excellencies of God doesn’t work to change the circumstances causing the tension we feel. But that’s because this proclamation is aimed at another problem. Not the problem of our painful circumstances but the problem of souls still dead in the darkness around us.

If we give ourselves to proclaiming the excellencies of God, who called us out of darkness and into his marvelous light, we become a lighthouse in the fog for those still dead in their sins. Our lips and our lives proclaim that there is a greater threat than what we will ever face in this life—an eternity of darkness and death. And we—the holy nation, the royal priesthood—have been spared from that destination. Our proclamation says, “our greatest and most terrifying problem has been solved! And the door is still open for all to come in!”

This gospel proclamation is even more potent when we are in the tension of suffering and exile. If we proclaim God’s amazing saving work in good times, when we are at ease and rest, it is powerful but often ignored. But if we proclaim God’s amazing saving work in hard times, when we are in the tension of exile and suffering, it is powerful and unavoidable. It forces those around us who are still in darkness to consider that there might be something more at stake than the things in this life.

Brothers and sisters— Join me today and resist the urge to proclaim anything less than the excellencies of God who has called us out of darkness and into his marvelous light. It is for this reason that we have been joined together in faith as a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession.

May God be magnified through our lips, through our emails, through our posts, through our small talk in our communities, through our conversation in front of our kids. May the words we proclaim be a lighthouse to all lost in darkness, beckoning them to come to Christ in faith and repentance.

What do you do when the promises of God invoke pain, not comfort?

In 2009 I was desperate for God and daily devouring His Word. I sat on the floor of our church’s prayer room reading Psalm 84 when I came to verse 11:

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.

For the first time in my walk with God, His promises created pain, not comfort.

Just weeks earlier I had lost our third baby in miscarriage.

How could it be true that God is a shield? He was not shielding me from loss.

How could it be true that God doesn’t withhold good things? He was withholding children from me.

It was God who said children are a blessing. It was God who allowed that little heart to stop beating.

No, He had not been a sun and a shield for me. He had cast a dark cloud over me and exposed me to unimaginable pain.

My experience sharply clashed with the Scripture. Jesus said ask and you shall receive. I asked that these children would survive and instead watched them die.

God said He is near to the brokenhearted. I came to Him day after day in prayer and in the Word, and He had never felt more distant.

My experience and God’s promises created tension in my life. A dissonance. A sharp pain that up until this point was unfamiliar in my walk with God.

Have you been there?

Draw Near with Questions

We all experience times of dissonance, when the promises of God seem to mock us and not comfort us. The temptation in these seasons is to modify or dismiss the Truth of God’s Word. We modify it by adding qualifiers: God’s promise for everyone except me or for those who haven’t sinned in the ways I have. And we dismiss it by silently accepting that it isn’t true: Clearly this isn’t a promise I can count on; it must not be 100% true. 

It’s tempting to slowly withdraw from God and assume He isn’t trustworthy. Or to shove our emotions out of sight and put on a fake faith, outwardly agreeing with every statement of truth but inwardly despising it.

But there is a better way. A way to draw near to God without faking it. A way to acknowledge both the truth of the Word and the reality of our circumstances.

How do we do this? By questioning God.

We see this modeled most clearly by a man who faced his fair share of trials: King David.

After being anointed as the future king of Israel, he faithfully served his king and his country. He supported and personally attended Saul, the current king, bravely fought Goliath, and spent years of his life faithfully fighting for Israel.

But after doing the right things, he was attacked and hunted down by the very king he so faithfully served. Forced to flee his beloved country, David spent years in hiding, running for his life from the one he served.

David likely wondered about God’s trustworthiness and goodness toward him. But he was a man after God’s own heart. He longed for nearness with God. And so he responded to the dissonance in his own life by drawing near to God with questions.

Over and over again in the psalms we see David rattle off his questions:

Why do you stand afar off, O Lord? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? My God, why have you forsaken me? O my God, I cry to you by day but you do not answer; and by night, but I have no rest.

What We Learn from Children

But isn’t questioning God disrespectful? Certainly, there is a kind of questioning that lacks a healthy fear of God, a questioning meant to spew hatred and create distance. This is never appropriate or wise. But there is a kind of questioning that exists alongside a healthy fear of God. This kind of questioning is an attempt to draw near. And it’s very easily seen in children.

When I tell my kids their dad will be home to put them to bed and then his flight is delayed, they don’t understand. All they know is Mom said he’d be here, and now he’s not here. They know me to be trustworthy, and they know their dad wants to be home with them. So how do they reconcile the things they know about their parents with the reality of the situation? They ask questions. Boldly and without fear of retribution.

“But Mom, you said he’d be home before bedtime. Can’t you do something? What is a flight delay? I don’t understand why we can’t call Dad. Didn’t he want to come home and see us?”

As a parent, I don’t despise their questions. I am glad for them! I would be far more concerned if upon hearing the disappointing news they sulked off to their room saying, “Okay Mom, whatever you say.”

I’m their mom. I know they’re disappointed. I know they don’t understand. And hearing them say the “right” thing doesn’t give me joy because underneath, I know they are sad. Not only that, I know that not addressing their sorrow could give way to bitterness and cause tension in our relationship. I want nearness with them, and their questions signal that they want it to.

For all who are in Christ, God is now our Father. The stain of sin that could bring about His displeasure has forever been removed by Jesus’ atoning death. We now have the right to approach God with confidence, with boldness, and with freedom, as a child approaches his father. We can bring our questions without fear of retribution. We can be honest with God about how His promises are affecting us.

So when suffering comes, when God feels distant, when all His promises invoke pain not joy, draw near.

Draw near to God with your questions. Come to Him with your raw emotions, your aching heart, your faithless soul. Bring your questions and then await His response. Linger in His presence in prayer. Keep yourself in the Word of God, reading and studying it.

Be determined to seek the face of God, in honesty and sincerity. And wait on Him with fierce perseverance. For no one who waits on God will ever be put to shame (Ps. 25:3). He will draw near to all those who draw near to Him (James 4:8).

Originally posted on ReviveOurHearts.com

And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, "This man receives sinners and eats with them." Luke 15:2

This weekend, we will turn our porch lights on, set out a sign, and hand out king sized candy bars to hundreds of kids, moms, dads, and teens.  Some will grumble that we receive sinners.  But they said this of Jesus too.

LIGHT OF THE WORLD

Many Christians believe that handing out candy on Halloween is not a good idea.  They assume, "if I hand out candy, I am advocating all this day stands for and will therefore compromise my witness as a Christian."  Yes, Halloween can stand for some really wicked things.  Yes, it is a day that people worship Satan, demons, and spiritual darkness.  Yes, it is an excuse for unrepentant sinning. But we are the light of the world!  Light is intended for darkness.  "Does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket?"

The darker the day, the more the light stands out.  "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."  Who needs to see the light of Christ?  Saints? Or sinners?

And it happened that He was reclining at the table in his house, and many taxc ollectors and sinners were dining with Jesus and His disciples; for there were many of them, and they were following Him. When the scribes of the Pharisees saw that He was eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they said to His disciples, "Why is He eating and drinking with tax collectors and sinners?"And hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick; I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners. Mark 2:15-17

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is for sinners.  And how did Jesus, the physician, engage those who were sick? He hung out with them, engaged with them, ate with them.  If our Master, Jesus, spent time with sinners in this way, how can we think ourselves too "holy" to do the same?  It was the Pharisees who saw themselves as too holy to engage with sinners on the ground level.  Let us be like Jesus, not like those spiritually arrogant pharisees.

MISSIONAL HALLOWEEN

For a moment, let's imagine Jimmy and I are missionaries in a foreign country.  We have just moved in and are still getting a feel for the culture and daily life of this country's inhabitants.  Very few know about Jesus, and ancestral worship is the most common religious practice.  We have been praying about a way to get to know more people and have some opportunities to share about Jesus.  Then, we hear about a large ancestral worship festival in which all of the city will be out.  If you will only turn on your porch light, they will come to your door singing songs of praise to their ancestors.

As missionaries, we'd thank God for such a great opportunity!  Instead of spending days looking for a single moment to get to know someone and talk about faith, we now have many who will come to our door with their mind already on spiritual things!  I can't imagine a more perfect opportunity to get to know these foreigners and talk about my faith!

This is exactly what Halloween can be for the Jesus-followers in this country!  We should be missional in our neighborhoods already, seeking to reach our neighbors with the good news of Jesus.  So what a perfect day to get to know the families that live around us!  On top of that, there is already an air of spirituality on this day.  Yes it has an evil spiritual feel, but it's a perfect springboard to bring up the topic of life, death, hell, heaven, and a Great God who has defeated Satan on the cross through the unbelievable grace of sacrificing His Son on the behalf of sinners like us!

Jesus received sinners, so likewise, let us receive sinners today.

TURN IT FOR GOOD

There is a way to engage people on Halloween, without actually celebrating the day itself.  We are very careful to not have any traditionally Halloween decorations, like ghosts, spiderwebs, monsters, etc.  Instead, we are trying to brand ourselves as the "crazy-generous" house on our street, to make a statement about the gracious nature of our God through sending His Son!

There is a song we love to sing at our church called "Sovereign Over Us" by Aaron Keyes that says, "Even what the enemy means for evil, you turn it for our good, you turn it for our good and Your glory."  Halloween is a day that Satan has intended for evil, but God in us is leveraging it for the good of others through sharing the Gospel and the glory of God by pointing to His grace.

You see, Halloween is kind of a big deal on our street. Every year, we have 100s of people come to our door. Last year that number was 1300! This year we purchased 1500 king sized bars and have about 25 volunteers helping at our prayer table, handing out candy, welcoming people at the bottom of our stairs, and looking for opportunities to talk about Jesus. After being loved, welcomed, and blessed with king-sized bars, each person will be pointed to Jesus through signs on the way out proclaiming Romans 6:23: "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

We have a prayer table on our front lawn where prayer requests can be submitted and will be brought to our guest room where people are praying throughout the evening for every request that comes in. We now serve coffee and hot chocolate in the front of our house too and that causes people to linger longer so we have more opportunities to talk to people and bring up the good news of Jesus.

We’ve seen people saved on our front lawn. We’ve heard of people coming to faith in Jesus through our prayers for them. People come back year after year telling us how God has answered their prayers! It’s a joy to see God move through these annual outreaches we do!

WE ARE SINNERS TOO

Let us not forget, that the only reason we are saved is because Jesus condescended into the filth of our life, met us where we were at, and extended grace and love to us there.  We are no less sinners than those we seek to reach.  We are simply great sinners with a greater Savior!  Let us not fall into the trap of the Pharisees, thinking in our religious arrogance that we are better than those who don't know Him.  For Jesus Himself said, "Truly I say to you that the tax collectors and prostitutes will get into the kingdom of God before you [religious leaders]." Matt 21:31

"It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all." 1 Tim 1:15

Let's remember our Lord's charge to us on nights like tonight, not to run from darkness but charge toward it with the loving light of the gospel.  "And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation." Mark 16:15

It’s election time here in the States and everyone’s a little on edge. Ultimately, election season should remind us of the great privilege it is to have a say in who governs us. But even as I cast my vote this week, I remember that ultimately God will decide who wins and who loses.

I’m not sure how that hits you. Maybe it’s comforting. Maybe it’s frustrating. Maybe you wonder how I could make such a claim. I make this claim because the Bible makes this claim clearly in the book of Daniel. It makes this claim in declarative form (by stating it is true) and in narrative form (by showing that it is true).

Early on in the book, Daniel makes the following statement to the most powerful ruler in the world at the time:

“Blessed be the name of God forever and ever,

to whom belong wisdom and might.

He changes times and seasons;

he removes kings and sets up kings;

he gives wisdom to the wise

and knowledge to those who have understanding”

(Daniel 2:20-21)

Daniel makes it clear: God removes kings. God sets up kings. It is the prerogative of the Lord Most High, Maker of Heaven and Earth, to decide who rules the nations. Our rulers are assigned in heaven. That’s the claim of the book of Daniel. 

As the book progresses, we see God show this principle to be true as he changes up the leadership in Babylon—the major world superpower at the time—again and again. First, King Nebuchadnezzar is taken from the highest seat of power and brought to the lowest form of humility. We see his son, Belshazzar, rise to power and then quickly lose the throne through his own pride and death. God transfers the kingdom of Babylon to the Medes as King Darius takes over. And eventually Cyrus the Persian rules in his place. All in Daniel’s lifetime! 

God is removing kings and setting up kings, proving his point over and over again. How is this possible? Because power belongs to him alone. Why is it right for him to do this? Because wisdom belongs to him alone. This idea that “Heaven Rules” (Daniel 4:26) repeats through out the book reminding us that the ultimate authority over all the earth is seated in the heavens, clothed in holiness and splendor, without rival, without equal.

Nebuchadnezzar says it this way after his humiliation:

“For his dominion is an everlasting dominion,

and his kingdom endures from generation to generation;

all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing,

and he does according to his will among the host of heaven

and among the inhabitants of the earth;

and none can stay his hand

or say to him, “What have you done?”

(Daniel 4:34-35)

Later, King Darius says it this way:

“I make a decree, that in all my royal dominion people are to tremble and fear before the God of Daniel,

for he is the living God,

enduring forever;

his kingdom shall never be destroyed,

and his dominion shall be to the end.”

(Daniel 6:26-27)

The point is clear: God’s in charge. He will raise up whom he will raise up. And he will remove whom he will remove. Sometimes he raises up noble men and women, full of integrity and honor. Sometimes he raises up evil men and women, full of hatred and greed. He takes credit for it all.

It is terrifyingly comforting. 

It’s terrifying because God may raise up terrible leaders who cause us harm. He never promises a good life to those who follow Jesus. He promises just the opposite, that those who desire to follow him and live a godly life will suffer and will be persecuted. In that sense, it can feel terrifying knowing that God may have purposed hardship and suffering in this life for us. 

And yet, it’s entirely comforting to know that the God who did not spare his own son for us, the one who loves us eternally and at great cost to himself, is calling the shots. He is absolutely out for our good, no matter how bleak it seems from our vantage point. We can trust his decisions, even if they seem confusing.

Whether you live in the USA right now or not, take comfort in the fact that God is in control over the people who rule your country, your state, your province, your city, your school, your workplace, and your home. 

By all means, take advantage of the privilege you have to vote and work to put good people into leadership. But at the end of the day, trust that the final decision will come straight from the throne of heaven. And that’s wonderfully good news!

I’ve shared the first two messages in this series in other posts:  “What Does it Mean to Know God?” and  “What Do I Need to Know God?” 

In this third and last message I’m answer the question, how do we live that out in the day-to-day? We were made to know God. But how do we know a God we cannot see? How do we foster a friendship with a God we cannot sit across from?

First we need to count the cost. There are 4 things it will cost us to know God. And secondly we need to learn to use the paths God has given us to know him.

Message Outline:

1. Count the Cost of knowing God

   1. Knowing God requires our highest loyalty

   2. Knowing God requires exposure

   3. Knowing God requires patience

   4. Knowing God requires faith

2. How do we know a God we cannot see?

   1. We know God through the Word

   2. We know God through prayer

   3. We know God through the local church

Messages in this series:

1. What Does it Mean to Know God?

2. What Do I Need to Know God?

3. How Do I Live to Know God?

Is there hope?

When evil seems to be winning? When corruption is the norm? When chaos and conflict surround us?

What is our hope?

It could be easy to feel hopeless about this world we live in. There’s COVID. The upcoming election. The ever-deteriorating morality of our culture. The increasing rates of suicide and anxiety and depression. The unceasing bickering between Republican and Democrat, liberal and conservative, this Christian blogger and that one, this viewpoint and that viewpoint.

When the world around us seems beyond repair and when the problems feel too big to solve, we tend to fall into one of two ditches. The first is the ditch of despair and detachment. We just give up on this present world with an “oh well,” and set our sights on heaven. Figuring there’s nothing we can do anyway, we withdraw into our private lives and shield ourselves from the world in our little Christian bubbles.

The other ditch is the fight-fire-with-fire ditch. We can’t just stand idly by and watch things go from bad to worse. We care about this present world and deeply desire to see change—as we should. But since the problems seem so huge, we respond in huge ways: visible solutions with big numbers and the potential for big effects. We either create our own large solution or pick someone else’s large solution and evangelize it like our lives depend on it. How else can we make a dent in the surmounting problems of our day?

Sometimes we bounce back and forth between these two positions. We desire to make a big difference, but we’re just too tired managing our own little lives. And so we retreat to detachment, not out of preference, but out of survival.

But there is another option. One that doesn’t require indifference or intensity. But instead requires faithfulness—consistent obedience for an extended period of time.

If you’ve been reading the emails I send out on Thursdays, you know I’ve been reading Judges. No other book in the Bible can match its quick descent into immorality and chaos. It literally begins on the heels of a massive victory—Israel has just moved into the Promised Land! The land flowing with milk and honey that God has been promising since the days of Abraham back in Genesis. And by chapter 2, things are already headed downhill. 

By the time we get to the last few chapters of Judges, we get some of the most gruesome chapters in the whole of scripture. An Israelite woman is abused and killed by her own people in a scene that is more horrendous than Sodom and Gomorrah. The Israelites have mixed their worship of God with with idolatry. There is a civil war in Israel, almost wiping out an entire tribe. It’s painful and shocking to read.

Reading Judges leaves you feeling… hopeless. What hope is there for the Israelites? Is there any recovering from this? The problems feel too big. Too bad. Too complex.

And then we turn the page to the book of Ruth and find that it opens this way…

“Now it came about in the days when the judges governed…”

The book of Ruth does not happen in isolation. It is not separate from this cringe-worthy time of Judges. It doesn’t happen after these events, it happens during these events. In the middle of the downward spiral of Israel’s idolatry and immorality we find hope in a young, immigrant widow from the despised land of Moab (Ruth).

It is because of Ruth’s actions that hope is restored to Israel as she becomes mother to Obed, who is the grandfather of King David. (You know, the man after God’s own heart who ushers in a golden time in Israel’s history? The man who wrote most of our Psalms? The man who foreshadows the coming of our perfect King Jesus?) Amidst the chaos and cruelty in Israel, there is hope for Israel and it is ushered in through Ruth.

But what exactly did Ruth do? Well, let me give you a list:

• she repented of her own idolatry, choosing to worship the God of Israel instead of the idols she grew up worshipping (Ruth 1:16)

• she volunteered to serve her mother-in-law (Ruth 2:2)

• she worked hard doing manual labor, gathering grain all day, for the entire season of harvest (Ruth 2:17, 23)

• she submitted to the wishes of her mother-in-law (Ruth 3:6)

These don’t seem like “world-changing” behaviors. Repentance. Submission. Voluntary service. The hard work of manual labor. But that’s exactly what these actions were: World-changing, Kingdom-altering, Hope-giving. Ruth, whether she knew it or not, directly opposed the work of sin and satan in her repentance and simple obedience. 

Don’t underestimate the power of repentance and simple obedience. They are missiles in the hands of God that obliterate the kingdom of darkness. 

You don’t need to despair that this world is broken and there’s nothing you can do. You don’t need to work hard to make a big splash to see change. There is another way to push back the darkness and it starts in the quietness of your own bedroom as you repent of your sins and idolatry. And then it moves from your bedroom to your living room, neighborhood, and office as you serve those you live with, live next to, and work with. And it continues as you pursue humility, submitting to others instead of serving yourself.

You won’t see the change immediately. You won’t know just how much your actions matter. This is the path of faithfulness, and it requires faith. Ruth likely never knew just how impactful and far-reaching the ripples of her life were. But we know, as we look back, that she ushered in hope, not just for her generation, but for countless generations after her. 

Don’t despair. Don’t believe bigger is better. Be a Ruth. Repent. Serve. Work hard in your daily, ordinary life. Be faithful. And remember that faithfulness is more powerful against the kingdom of darkness than you could ever imagine, because the faithful look to God, not themselves, as the hero.

Won’t you join me in pushing back the darkness today? Let’s repent and serve with our eyes set on Jesus!

Last week, I sent you a link to the first message, “What Does it Mean to Know God?” Today, I’m sending you the second message titled, “What Do I Need to Know God?” 

In this talk, I’m answering the question, “what is required to have a friendship with God?” To find the answer, I chose to take a look at the woman at the well in John 4. In this scene, we see 3 things that will help us answer this important question: (1) what Jesus offers, (2) what Jesus reveals, and (3) who Jesus is.

Message Outline:

1. What Jesus Offers—the Spirit

2. What Jesus Reveals—the Truth about ourselves

3. Who Jesus is—the Truth about God

Messages in this series:

1. What Does it Mean to Know God?

2. What Do I Need to Know God?

3. How Do I Live to Know God?

This is the first message in that series and in it I’m addressing the question, “How can you know if you truly know God?” There are 3 counterfeit versions of knowing God to watch out for and a few key signs that you have the real thing.

Message Outline:

1. Knowing God is Life

2. Knowing God is NOT the same as religious activity

3. Knowing God is NOT the same as familiarity

4. Knowing God is NOT about having all the correct information

5. Knowing God is experiential

   • Rebirth

   • Resurrection

   • Receiving Sight

   • Adoption

   • Winning the Lottery

   • Going from Darkness to Light

   • Eating and Drinking

6. Knowing God is a Gift

Messages in this series:

1. What Does it Mean to Know God?

2. What Do I Need to Know God?

3. How Do I Live to Know God?

TEXT: Galatians 5:16-25

I. Three things to notice in this passage

1. There are only 2 powers at work in us.

2. The flesh and the Spirit don’t get along

3. There’s just one command

II. Self-help is good news that can’t deliver

III. How do we walk by the Spirit?

1. What does walking mean?

2. Who is the Spirit?

   1. He’s a Person

   2. He’s God

   3. He’s with you. Forever!

   4. He has a specific role

IV. Are you self-dependent or Spirit-dependent?

1. Self-dependent people focus on rules. Spirit-dependent people focus on Christ.

2. Self-dependent people look inward for strength. Spirit-dependent people look outward for strength.

3. Self-dependent people believe they are spiritually wealthy. Spirit-dependent people know they are spiritually bankrupt.

4. Self-dependent people seek to reform old ways. Spirit-dependent people seek to crucify old ways.

God created us for community. In Genesis, before sin entered the world, only one thing was declared “not good”: man’s aloneness (Gen 2:18). And don’t we feel it in these days of quarantine? It is not good to be alone.

And for the Christian, the loss is doubly felt. We don’t only need other human beings to thrive, we specifically need other Christians to encourage us, to strengthen us, to pray for us, to remind us of truth, to confess sin to, and to worship with (Eph. 5:19, Heb. 3:13, 10:25). Following Jesus may be an individual decision, but it is not an individual assignment. We cannot and should not do it alone.

So what can we do in this time of isolation? Of course we should still strive to do life together, even if that means through Zoom, FaceTime, texting, phone calls, and letters. None of us can make it through this alone! But I think there is more we can do. This quarantine is giving us time to do two things that will greatly strengthen our communities. It’s giving us time to (1) deepen our friendship with Jesus and (2) evaluate the quality of our friendship to others.

OUR ONE TRUE FRIEND

Every legitimate need we have is ultimately a sign-post to show us a far greater soul-need: to know God.

Our need for food and water alert us to our need for Jesus, the Bread of Life and Fountain of Living Water (Deut 8, John 4). Our need for shelter points to Jesus as our only refuge from coming judgment (Is 25:6. Ps 34:22). And our need for community points us to the Communal Three-in-One: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Yes, we desperately need friends (and food, water, and shelter). But more than these we need God.

Jesus is our one true friend. The one our souls were made for. So use this time to deepen that relationship. Read whole books of your Bible in one sitting. Write down new things you learn about God. Spend 30 minutes talking to him and telling him all that’s on your heart. Go on prayer walks. Sit for 20 minutes on your front porch in silence and give the Spirit inside you time to speak, to bring things to the surface your busyness has been hiding.

If we’ll do this, we’ll re-enter our communities with souls that are satisfied in Christ. When we enter friendship with thirsty souls, we come as consumers, looking for what we can get. But when our souls are satisfied, we come excited to be good friends to others, looking for what we can give.

WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU?

Every year, I take one or two weeks out of my summer to fast from my friendships. I call it my “Solitude Week.” This time gives me a chance to step out of the merry-go-round of texting, phone calls, and meetings and evaluate my health as a friend.

Currently, we’re all in an indefinite solitude week. A social fast has been mandated, yes by governing authorities around us, but also by God himself, since he reigns as sovereign over all human authorities. So let’s use this time to evaluate our friendship habits and identify ways to grow.

Here are a few questions we can ask ourselves:

• Am I being a good friend to others or am I using my friendships to meet soul needs only Jesus should meet?

• Am I trying to foster too many friendships? So many that I have no time for Jesus, my one true friend? Or no time to do my job well? Or no time to have a healthy marriage or to train up my kids well?

• Am I taking seriously the command to love others as I love myself? Or am I waiting around for others to come love me?

• What fears are motivating me in my friendships? Who am I afraid to disappoint? Where am I afraid I’ll be hurt? 

• Are there issues in any friendships I’ve been avoiding? Hurts I’ve been harboring? Who do I need to ask forgiveness from? Who do I need to forgive?

• Am I keeping a busy social calendar to avoid obeying God in other areas of my life? Or am I staying too isolated because it’s easier than opening my life up to others?

This is a great time to “sharpen the saw” and ask God to make us the kind of friend to others that we wish we had ourselves.

Thankfully, this season of isolation won’t last forever, but let’s not waste it while it’s here. Let’s be intentional during this time so that our communities will be stronger than ever when we gather together again.

Need help connecting with God? Check out this guide.

Originally posted on Stonegate.church.

Years ago, I taught a class at my church in which I planned to teach though one book of the Bible. My first choice: the book of Numbers. Some people mistook this as a joke: Who would actually prefer to teach Numbers? But my good friends knew better and laughingly responded, "Of course you want to teach Numbers, Kelly!”

Numbers is truly one of my favorite books of the Bible and I always get excited as I finish up Leviticus and turn to those opening lines, “Then the Lord spoke to Moses in the wilderness of Sinai…” Sure, it opens with lots of… you guessed it… numbers. But this book is action-packed and full of key events in Israel’s history. One of the reasons I wanted to teach it in my class was to debunk the myth that it’s a boring and irrelevant book.

In the end, it was just too long for me to cover in that 8-week class. Maybe one day, I’ll get the pleasure of teaching through this book. But for now, I simply want to commend it to you as an irreplaceable resource in your walk with God (as is each book of the Bible).

So here are a few reasons to jump into Numbers.

It’s Action-Packed

I think Numbers get a bad rap because people give up too early. They get into chapters 1, 2, and 3—a recorded census and the arrangement of the tribes of Israel—and assume the whole book will be much of the same. Now don’t get me wrong, those details are important and have much to tell us. Please don’t skip those chapters! But they are not representative of the book as a whole. This book is really about the Israelite’s journey through the wilderness on their way to the promised land. In fact, the title of this book in the Jewish Old Testament is “In the Wilderness.” (The name “Numbers” comes from the Greek title for this book, given because it begins and ends with a census.)

But once you get through chapters 1-10, which set the scene for life in the wilderness, it is action-packed. There is a superabundance of quail, conflict between leaders, a severe case of leprosy, the spying out of the land, plagues, battles, the ground opening up to swallow up whole families, and that’s only in chapters 11-16. There is so much happening in this book! It is truly a page-turner, leading readers through feelings of shock, sorrow, anger, despair, and curiosity with every chapter.

It’s Full of God’s Thoughts and Feelings

God is speaking through every verse in the Bible because he is the ultimate author behind it. But there are times in the Bible when God’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions are conveyed directly. And Numbers is a book that is full of that. As the action progresses it is often punctuated with God’s thoughts about the situation, and there is so much we can learn about his character through these moments.

For example, in chapter 11, the people complain that they don’t like the manna God is daily providing but instead desire the food they had in Egypt. God responds to their complaint with this: “…because you have rejected the Lord who is among you and have wept before him, saying, ‘Why did we ever leave Egypt.’” (11:20) This is HUGE! God has made it clear that these desires are a rejection of him personally. It’s simply an expression of their hearts that God is not enough. Wow. This has massive implications for me as a reader as I evaluate my own desires for things God has not seen fit to give me.

Over and over again in this book, God speaks to his people and it tells us so much about his character. As you read, notice what God loves, what he hates, what he responds to and what statements he makes about himself and his people. It helps us get to know our God!

It’s Often Referenced in the Rest of the Bible

Did you know that the famous John 3:16 is framed by Jesus referencing a story from Numbers (Num. 21)? Did you know that the infamous Balaam—referenced in 2 Peter, Jude, and Revelation—is given 3 whole chapters in Numbers (Num. 22-24)? Did you know that the events in Numbers are so significant that they are referenced countless times in the rest of the Old Testament?

If we don’t know the book of Numbers, it will hinder our ability to fully understand many other parts of our Bibles.

It’s Given to Us as a Word of Warning

One of my favorite references to Numbers occurs in Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians. Read through 1 Corinthians 10:6-11 below.

[6] Now these things took place as examples for us, that we might not desire evil as they did. [7] Do not be idolaters as some of them were; as it is written, “The people sat down to eat and drink and rose up to play.” [8] We must not indulge in sexual immorality as some of them did, and twenty-three thousand fell in a single day. [9] We must not put Christ to the test, as some of them did and were destroyed by serpents, [10] nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer. [11] Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come.

Verse 7 is a reference to Exodus 32.

Verse 8 is a reference to Numbers 25.

Verse 9 is a reference to Numbers 21.

Verse 10 is a reference to Numbers 16.

Twice in this passage, Paul says that these things that happened to the newly freed Israelites “as an example for us.” Specifically, so that we might not desire evil like they did. And of his 4 specific references, 3 of them come from the book of Numbers.

Numbers is a gift to us so that we may learn from the mistakes of others. We should read it with an eye to see where these same attitudes, practices, and habits are cropping up in our lives and repent of them quickly.

It May Be Weird, but it’s Worth It

Yes, there are undoubtedly some strange things in the book of Numbers. Like the law of jealousy in chapter 5 and Balaam’s confusing character in chapters 22-24, just to name a few. And yes, you will likely leave with some unanswered questions. But that’s no reason not to read it! We shouldn’t be in the habit of picking and choosing what parts of God’s Word we want to study. Like the rest of scripture, the book of Numbers “is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.” (2 Tim. 3:16-17)

So jump in today! And then write to me and tell me how God changed you through your reading of it.

At the heart of the Christmas story are two pregnant women: Elizabeth who is pregnant with John the Baptist and Mary who is pregnant with Jesus. But this is no fairy tale for these women. They never got their “designer lives,” the lives they had hoped and planned for themselves. Instead, we see that both women experienced pain and the sting of unfulfilled longings.

First we meet Elizabeth in Luke 1:5-7:

In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah, of the division of Abijah. And he had a wife from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years.

A righteous woman, with a father who would have been a priest (she was a daughter of Aaron), married to a man who is a priest. She’s the pastor’s kid who marries a pastor. She has been careful to follow God all her days. I’m sure when she met and married Zechariah, she dreamed of a family just like all young wives do. I’m sure there was hopefulness in her heart before each monthly cycle came, wondering if this month would be the one she could receive the joy of pregnancy.

Months turned to years. Years to decades. And Elizabeth finds herself an old woman, likely post-menopausal, without ever feeling the joy of a baby kicking inside of her. Can you imagine the sting you’d feel each time a young woman announces a pregnancy? How angry would you be when women less righteous than yourself receive the blessing of children while you remain barren? Consider the pain of realizing you are going through menopause, seeing your hope for a family slip away forever? Burying all hope of a lineage?

On top of it all, she faces public humiliation. The stigma of barrenness in Israel at that time is that it was a sign of God’s punishment. Elizabeth’s peers would have assumed her barrenness was due to some sin in her life. “Are you really walking blamelessly before the Lord and if he has not blessed you with children?” they would have questioned. Imagine being misunderstood and rejected for reasons you cannot control or fix. Consider the deep pain of carrying public shame for sins you never committed, of continually facing the speculation and rumors of others.

Elizabeth did not get the life she wanted or hoped for.

Yet, we are told she is blameless. Righteous. Even with all that she suffered, we see no bitterness toward God or unforgiveness toward her peers. She willingly accepted the lot God gave her. She let her dreams die and her hopes be buried. Instead of doing the hard work of motherhood, she willingly shouldered the hard work of choosing joy instead of bitterness. Instead of loving children, she willing chose to love God and others, despite the pain they both caused her.

But Elizabeth isn’t the only woman dying to her hopes and dreams. Her cousin, Mary, is facing her own set of unexpected circumstances.

In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. And the virgin’s name was Mary. And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be. And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” Luke 1:26-33

When we think of Mary, most of us think of how good she had it. What an honor to be sent an angel directly from the throne of God, announcing that you’ll be pregnant with the very son of God! And it is true, Mary was given an experience so precious that we can hardly overstate it.

But, this assignment from God is not all roses. We know that it immediately caused her to face the same unmerited public humiliation as Elizabeth. Pregnant before marriage? That’s never a sign of righteousness. On top of that, it her beloved fiancé begins to pursue divorce (Matthew 1:18-19). Immediately, she faces shame, scandal, and isolation because God redirected her life in ways she never asked for it to go.

Of course, the Lord eventually speaks to Joseph in a dream and backs Mary up and they become a united team in this narrative God is writing. But it doesn’t take away the public scandal that would have followed their family. God didn’t give everyone dreams confirming that she truly was a virgin when Jesus was born.

But Mary’s challenges didn’t end that first Christmas. Right after Jesus is born, we are given a little foretaste of the pain Mary will experience. As she brings him into the temple, only 8 days after he is born, a man named Simeon prophecies and rejoices over Jesus. But then he turns to Mary and has something to ominous say:

And Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, “Behold, this child is appointed for the fall and rising of man in Israel, and for a sign that is opposed (and a sword will pierce through your own soul also), so that the thoughts from many hearts may be revealed.” Luke 2:34-35

A sword will pierce through your soul. Did that mean her own sinful heart would be exposed as she raised Jesus? Was it referring to the excruciating pain she would feel as her son was later abused, tortured and murdered? I have no idea how Mary would feel that pain, but I know it’s not the joyful, celebratory word I would have expected as a new mom.

Either way, we know raising Jesus couldn’t have been a walk in the park. We think we struggle with mommy guilt?? Imagine raising the very son of God! How terrified would you be of messing up as a mom? I mean, this is the savior of the world here. Pressure is on! Beyond that, Jesus is perfect! He never sins. Through toddlerhood, through teenage years, not one moment of rebellion. (Some of you are thinking, “well, that’d be nice!”) And yes, it would save so much heartache. But it would be so challenging! So exposing! Motherhood often exposes my own sins and issues, but for that to happen while raising a perfect child… that would be hard.

Mary did not get the life she wanted or hoped for. A life free from scandal and pain. Yet her response to Gabriel’s life-altering news is one of submission. Submission to the will of God above her own will.

And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” Luke 1:38

Unless it dies…

Later, during his ministry years, Jesus lets us in on a major life lesson. One his mother and Elizabeth lived out:

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” John 12:24-25

Elizabeth and Mary chose to die.

• To their expectations.

• To their hopes and dreams.

• To their desires.

• To their plans.

• To their preferences.

• To their reputations.

They did not love their own lives, but rather gave them up. They surrendered their lives to the will of God and his plans for them, even when it cost them dearly.

But, when a grain of wheat dies, it bears much fruit. These two women bore much fruit. Not just physically, in the birth of their sons, but spiritually. Their sacrifice and their story bear fruit today, reminding us that surrendering our plans and receiving God’s plans is worth it. Their testimony reminds us that God is writing something better into our stories than we would write for ourselves. These women beckon us to let go of what we’re clinging to and trust God with our whole hearts, even when it costs our very lives. Because she “who loses her life will keep it for eternal life.”

Where is God calling you to surrender? What dreams is he calling you to let go of? What pain are you facing that God has orchestrated in your life? What obedience are you avoiding because it feels too costly? What hopes are you burying this Christmas?

Consider these two faithful women today.

Consider their surrender.

Consider their hardship.

And then consider their joy!

God is not a masochist who delights in our pain. He is working for our joy! A joy far deeper than we can comprehend! Will you trust him? Take a moment to read the rest of the story and let Mary and Elizabeth’s joy give you strength to die to whatever you need to today and trust God with your whole heart:

In those days Mary arose and went with haste into the hill country, to a town in Judah, and she entered the house of Zechariah and greeted Elizabeth. And when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit, and she exclaimed with a loud cry, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! And why is this granted to me that the mother of my Lord should come to me? For behold, when the sound of your greeting came to my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.”

And Mary said,

“My soul magnifies the Lord,

and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.

For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;

for he who is mighty has done great things for me,

and holy is his name.

And his mercy is for those who fear him

from generation to generation.

He has shown strength with his arm;

he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;

he has brought down the mighty from their thrones

and exalted those of humble estate;

he has filled the hungry with good things,

and the rich he has sent away empty.

He has helped his servant Israel,

in remembrance of his mercy,

as he spoke to our fathers,

to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

Luke 1:39–55

Friends are the new family. With the traditional nuclear family on the decline in America, people are still searching for some form of stability—and for many, their gaze is turning to friendship. With the largest population of singles our nation has ever seen, we shouldn’t be too surprised.

Megan Gerber of The Atlantic made this same observation in 2017:

Friendships, increasingly, are playing an organizing role in society. Long conceived as side dishes to the main feast—marriage, kids, the nuclear family above all—friendships, more and more, are helping to define people’s sense of themselves in the world. During a time of emergent adulthood and geographic mobility, friendships are lending stability—and meaning—to people’s, and especially young people’s, lives.

This is an interesting development since, as Christians, we know that friendship is incredibly important. In Matthew 12:46–50 Jesus elevates our relationships—our friendships—with others in a profound way. And the Bible clearly doesn’t look down on singleness but actually showcases it as preferential to marriage in many ways (1 Cor. 7:6–7, 32–35). So it’s not a bad thing for friendship to take center stage.

But does that mean any expression of friendship is right? No, it can’t mean that because the Bible exhorts us to “see to it that no one takes us captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ” (Col. 2:8). The problem is that most people have never considered how their faith should affect their friendships.

So how does the gospel inform our friendships? What is friendship according to Christ? While the Bible doesn’t speak as directly to friendship as it does to marriage and family, that doesn’t mean it has nothing to say. In fact, there is much we can glean from the fundamentals we already know.

Here are four ways our faith in Christ should influence our friendships.

1. Christian Friends Keep Jesus First

Jesus demands our ultimate loyalty, to be our friend above all others (Luke 14:26). Our devotion to him should be so paramount that all other relationships look like hate by comparison. But most of us know from experience that it’s all too easy to let God’s good gifts sneak into first place in our hearts. And friendship is no exception.

This means Christian friendship fights to keep itself out of first place. At its core, it’s companionship forged in the fire of the conviction that Jesus alone can satisfy our souls. Our friendships should foster dependence on God, not just on one another.

Of course, an important part of how we run to Christ is with our friends. But there is a difference between looking to our friend to meet our needs and looking to our friend as a guide to the cross. So how can you tell if you’ve placed your hope in a friend, not in Christ? Well, if something threatens to interrupt that friendship (a move, a new marriage, a new friend) and you feel jealous, unstable, or undone, it may signal that too much of your hope rests on your friend.

But the good news of the gospel is that we have all we need in Christ. He is our Savior, our Mediator, our Shepherd, our Satisfier. So when our souls are thirsty, we don’t turn to a friend but to a Savior. When a friend comes to us with their deep longings, we don’t seek to meet that need but point them to Jesus.

2. Christian Friends Are Selfless

Second to our command to love God with all we are is the call to love others above ourselves (Mark 12:29–31; John 13:34). Our friendships with others should be marked by selflessness. But it’s all too common for us to allow our own desire for friendship to drive our actions. We often mask our internal greed with external generosity.

I’ve seen this in my own life. It shows up in my tendency to be extra kind to the popular person who could give my social life a leg up. In the way I’ve avoided speaking truthfully to my friends because I preferred a fake but comfortable friendship rather than something real. It’s all “nice” on the outside but, underneath, my own desires and preferences reign supreme. And as a Christian, that’s never acceptable.

The good news is that Jesus has given us access to God the Father, the source of all love and power. As we find all we need in him, we can come into friendship satisfied, not starving, and thereby find the power to love others sacrificially. We can be the kind of friend to others we wish we had ourselves.

3. Christian Friends Honor the Institutions of Marriage and Family

The Bible is clear that God is the architect behind marriage and the family that grows from it. It matters that we preserve the integrity of these relationships, since they’re shadows of greater and more important realities: union with Christ and the eternal family of God.

This doesn’t mean friendship is less important. In a way, it’s more essential than marriage and family, because while not everyone will marry, everyone needs friends. But just because it’s essential doesn’t mean we should practice friendship the same way we practice family.

This means two things for our friendships. First, we ensure our friendships aren’t mimicking the one-flesh nature of marriage. Healthy friendships shouldn’t foster exclusivity, jealousy, ownership, or sensuality. Rather, we hold our friends with open hands and invite others in. We celebrate the formation of new friendships in our friends’ lives and are open to building new friendships ourselves.

Second, we work to strengthen the marriages and families around us with our friendship, not take away from it. If a friend has to check with her husband before agreeing to a girls’ night out, we don’t bemoan that but celebrate it. If a friend is spending more and more time with us to play video games instead of being with his family, we confront the behavior, not enable it.

4. Christian Friends Stay on Mission

We’re a saved and sent people. Our time on earth isn’t just a waiting room for heaven but a mission field. There’s a war waging around us, and eternal souls are at stake. We live to serve the One who saved us, as good soldiers of Jesus Christ. And a soldier doesn’t “get entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him” (2 Tim. 2:4).

So what does that have to do with our friendships? It means we don’t allow our goal to become maintaining our comfortable social circles. We must be content with fewer friends and seasonal friendships. Otherwise, while we run from one coffee date to another, we’ll lose the ability to see the lonely neighbor in the house next door or the struggling single mom at the store.

The joy of this truth infuses our friendships with eternal purpose. We become more than friends; we become comrades. War experts tell us that comrades are closer than friends, because they unite for reasons beyond their own friendship. The same is true for us. When we unite together, not for the worldly purpose of satisfying our own friendship desires but with the eternal purpose of fighting side by side to see God’s kingdom come, our friendships will be more satisfying and will easily outshine their worldly counterparts.

Originally posted on TheGospelCoalition.org

If I asked you to list some signs of healthy friendship, I doubt you’d name conflict as one of them. Most of us treat conflict like an uncomfortable relative, something we have to deal with every now and then but, generally, to be avoided at all costs. But, in my experience, conflict is not an ugly stepsister to be avoided but a necessary ally in our pursuit of real friendship.

Now before we go any farther, you need to know that I am one of the most conflict-averse people I know! People-pleasing and apologizing are my native tongue and if I were an animal I’d be a chameleon. I can quickly become like those around me to minimize any discomfort from differences of opinion or preference.

But something amazing happened to me: God gave me real friends. And He gave me the desire to be a real friend to others. And I quickly realized that one of the biggest obstacles to deep and meaningful friendships in my life was my paranoia of conflict. I wonder if it’s an obstacle in your pursuit of friendship as well?

So why is conflict a necessary ally of real friendship? Today, I’m giving you 3 reasons: we’re all sinners, we all have blind spots, and we’re called to speak the truth.

1. We’re all sinners

Hate to burst your bubble, but there’s no perfect friend out there (ahem, including you). The only potential friends are sinners, fellow human beings who still live with the cancer of self-centeredness. Yes, as Christians, Jesus is in the process of freeing us, but the work isn’t finished yet. We’re all still in process. That means, eventually, our friends will fail us. And we’ll fail them to.

These moments of failure will reveal if we are willing to fight for real friendship or if were content to settle for fake. Fake friends refuse to address the issue to avoid any conflict. They gloss over it, excuse it, or ignore it, sometimes in an effort to “keep the peace.” But here’s the reality, if the sin and hurt isn’t addressed, it festers and becomes bitterness. The outside my look peaceful, but underneath hearts are growing cold and distant from one another. It’s anything but peace.

We need conflict in our friendships because we will fail each other and those moments need to be addressed.

2. We all have blind spots

In addition to our capacity for sin, we all have quirks and unknown habits that make it difficult for others to be friends with us. For example, I tend to let my love for Bible teaching come out in my friendships when I should just be listening. If you’ve ever needed a friend to listen and instead received a mini-sermon, then you know how annoying that can be!

These blind spots are like spinach in our teeth. We need a real friend who’s willing to stop us mid-sentence and point out what we physically cannot see. These aren’t necessarily sins, but often unhelpful habits we’ve cultivated over time. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. It’s that moment in a friendship when you realize, “man, this guy just doesn’t know when to stop talking!” Or that moment when you think, “all this woman talks about is her kids!”

At this point, our natural reaction is to just slowly back away from the relationship and come up with excuses for why we can no longer get together. But again, that’s fake friendship. It takes a true friend to enter that uncomfortable territory of pointing out, “when we were hanging out the other night, I was never able to share what was on my heart because you kept talking.” It takes a true friend to say, “I’m finding it difficult to be your friend because I don’t have kids and that seems to be the only thing you’re interested in.” It takes a true friend to say, “Kelly, stop preaching at me and just listen!”

We need conflict in our friendships because we all have blind spots and we all need real friends to point them out.

3. We’re called to speak the truth.

In Ephesians 4:25, Paul reminds the people to put away falsehood and instead “let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” To be a real friend, you must put away falsehood and instead say what is true. Why? Because, for those of us who are in Christ, we are members of one another. We are united. We are a team. And a team cannot function if its members aren’t honest with each other. Truth-speaking should be a mark of our Christian communities.

But sometimes the truth is uncomfortable. Sometimes, the truth hurts. It’s so much easier to resort to falsehood, to being “fake nice,” while we’re slowly building a wall in our hearts. But Proverbs 27:5–6 reminds us that “better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” The willingness to wound is a mark of true friendship, one we desperately need.

We need conflict because sometimes that’s the only path we have for speaking the truth in love to our friends.

Pursuing Unity through Conflict

Ironically, I’ve had an uncommon amount of conflict in my friendships for someone so keen on avoiding it. On several occasions, others have pointed out my unseen flaws and shared the ways I’ve hurt them. In other moments, I’ve been the one sharing my hurts. In some of my friendships the conflict was resolved in one conversation, in others, it took years and a few counseling sessions together to fully resolve.

But in each moment of conflict, here’s what was happening: something had interfered with our friendship and we were seeking to remove the obstruction. It might have been my sin or blindness, it might have been theirs. Sometimes it was simply a misunderstanding or miscommunication. But something had inhibited the normal unity and joy in our relationship and we weren’t content to let our friendship slowly drift away. We were fighting to restore our unity through those nerve-wracking and sometimes awkward moments.

In my book Friendish, I wrote: “Speaking the truth in love is the immune system of Christian communities—a protection to the body of believers that arises when the sickness of sin threatens to impede upon our unity.” The goal is never to go looking for conflict; ideally, we won’t need it that often. But when our unity is threatened, conflict is often a necessary ally as we fight to preserve our unity, joy, and peace as friends.

I can’t guarantee you’ll ever feel totally comfortable and confident entering into those tumultuous moments of tension. After all these years, I still feel eaten up with anxiety and wring my hands under the table. But now, I’ve seen the fruit. I see how each moment has preserved my friendships and even deepened them. I trust my friends more, knowing they’ll shoot me straight. And they trust me. We have each other’s backs in a more profound way than we did before. The camaraderie we’ve built together is worth every difficult conversation and uncomfortable moment!

Today, I’m praying God will grant you a deep desire for real friendship and the courage to be honest with your friends and receive their honesty with you. Yes, conflict is difficult, but it’s a necessary ally to gain the richness and camaraderie we all desire in our friendships.

Adoption is a beautiful thing.

As a Christian, I can attest to that as I consider my own adoption into the family of God through the blood of Christ. As an adoptive mom, I can attest to that as I’ve watched our son thrive and bring joy to our family. As a member of a church with a thriving orphan care ministry, I can attest to that as I see the beauty of James 1:27 walked out before my eyes every day.

But adoption isn’t only beautiful; it is also painful. We know that many families face hardships through adoption. These hardships are worth it, of course. Those of us who have adopted would do it again in a heartbeat. But I’m not talking about the pain an adoptive or foster parent faces. I’m talking about the pain an adopted child faces.

The gain and loss of adoption

I recently came across a video by adoptee Shareen Pine and read an article she wrote for the Washington Post from 2015 titled “Please Don’t Tell Me I was Lucky to be Adopted.” I found both to be incredibly helpful in putting words to the loss that adopted and foster children experience. Yes, it is true that children adopted into loving families are very fortunate. But it is just as true that the very reason adoption was necessary was because these children experienced something tragic: the loss of or separation from their biological family.

It is the longing of every child to grow up with their biological mom and dad. To know from whom they got their long legs or eye color. To enjoy the biological elements that unite them to their family. To be able to trace their lineage back to great-great grandparents. Children who have experienced the miracle of adoption have also experienced the loss of biological family ties. That is a real and profound loss, one we need to recognize, value, and grieve alongside adopted children.

My son carries the DNA of another set of parents, a man and a woman with a lineage as deep as my own. But that lineage has been severed due to a combination of circumstances of life in a fallen world. And though he’s too young to care, I can already feel the weight of what has been lost. And one day, he’ll feel it too.

The loss an orphaned child faces is most apparent when I consider how I prayed for my children before they were in my arms. When I was pregnant with my first two children, my contemplation of them was free of angst. As I prayed for them, they were safe in my womb, right where they were supposed to be. But as I prayed for my son before he was home, I grieved. He was not where he should be. He was not being caressed and nursed in the arms of his mother in those first weeks and years of life. Instead, he laid in hospitals and orphanages, without a parent to fight for his rights and health. All was not well. Stepping into adoption meant stepping into that loss.

As I do paperwork for our next child, I often pray for him or her. But my prayers are full of mixed emotions. I’m excited for all God has for us and for them, but I know the reason they will be available for adoption is because they have suffered greatly due to no fault of their own. As I grow in my excitement to welcome him or her into our arms, I also grieve the circumstances of his or her entrance into this world.

In her article, Shaaren Pine shares:

“I sometimes imagine what my life would have been like if I had had [my daughter’s] confidence. If I had felt safe enough to claim my story and the pain of being an adoptee. If I had felt secure that I could share it openly. And if I had believed people would support me when I did. I probably wouldn’t have wished to die so often starting when I was 11. And I probably wouldn’t have started cutting myself when I was 12.”

Not every adopted child will grieve the loss of their biological family the same way, but every adopted child will feel this loss. And it doesn’t serve them well for us to ignore that reality. Instead, we need to be prepared to give them safe places to process, to talk, to lament and grieve. Yes, they have gained something great, but part of that greatness is the safety and security of a home where both sorrows and joys can be shared.

Helping our kids work through loss

So, how can we do this as adoptive parents?

First, we can acknowledge the loss. We can recognize that something very painful has happened to our children. In age-appropriate ways, we can find ways to speak of birth moms and birth dads. To give our kids language to talk about them, to pray for them, to wonder about them, and to grieve their absence.

Secondly, we can grieve with our kids. A grief born alone can be overwhelming and debilitating. But a shared grief can be endured. The grief might not hit them until they are in junior high or high school but, when it does, we can be ready to stop and sit in the sadness with them so they aren’t alone. Grieving with someone simply means recognizing something valuable has been lost forever. A good comforter doesn’t try to fix the pain or paint over it with something else (“But look at how God has turned it all for good.”) It may be true that God has brought good from the pain, but grieving means acknowledging the irreparable loss and being sad about it. A good comforter embraces the tension of the moment and doesn’t shy away from it.  

Lastly, we can ask questions. Questions such as, “Do you ever think about your birth mom or dad?” or “What do you wish you could tell your birth parents?” Most children will hesitate to speak of biological family because of fear of disrupting the loyalty, security, and unity they enjoy in their present situation. So asking questions about their biological family or country of origin can let them know, “This is a safe place to bring your fears, hurts, questions, doubts, and sadness.” We are serving them by setting the table for a difficult conversation so that when they are ready to share, they have confidence that we won’t run away but will lean in and listen.

Remember, the miracle of adoption was first birthed in the heart of our God who “predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ” (Eph. 1:5). How did he adopt us? Through Jesus Christ. To secure our adoption, God put on flesh, bore our burdens, carried our griefs, and made them his own. As we seek to imitate our eternal Father in earthly adoption, let’s be sure to do the same. Our children need burden bearers and grief sharers. We can be that to them because Jesus has been that to us.

First published at ERLC, the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission.

My wedding day was exactly three weeks before my last year in college. We were both taking a full load of classes, and our sole income was my husband’s blossoming music career. This meant our first year of married life included a rigid schedule of schoolwork during the week and out-of-town concerts on the weekends. (We actually traveled to Australia and back over the weekend in that first year to be able to make it back to class on time. Yes, you read that right, over one weekend.) We formed many good memories that year, but it was exhausting!

As graduation drew near, we created a countdown. We were filled with hope about the relief of classes ending and schedules freeing up. No longer would we be trying to study for finals while managing a small business and traveling around the country. We’d be able to fully devote ourselves to the music ministry God was setting before us. And we couldn’t wait!

We created a countdown because our hope for the upcoming season was secure. We didn’t wonder if we would be done with the season of college. It was only a matter of time. One day soon, we’d walk the stage, get our diplomas, and find many hours freed up from study and class. It was a secure hope. But hope, by definition, is a longing for something not yet realized. And so we waited. We excitedly marked off each day. We endured the tension of what was and what we longed for because our hope was sure.

Hope Creates Tension

As Christians, we have something much better than a college graduation to look forward to. Our future is entirely secure and promises more joy than we can possibly conceive of. It’s actually true that God of the universe is our Father! One day, He will remove forever all our sin, suffering, and pain. He will usher us into perfect and unhindered friendship and community with Himself and all those who love and trust Him. What a hope we have!

But hope creates tension. It inserts a longing for a future reality that is totally secure but not yet accessible. Our hope is not yet realized. As I write these words, I’m very aware of my sinful tendencies and the lingering flesh still inside me. I’m suffering in fractured relationships and unfulfilled longings. I don’t always feel the nearness of God in the way I would like. And so to believe what is true, to hope in what is promised, creates a tension in my life. Tension between what is and what I am promised as a daughter of God.

This tension is not a pleasant thing, but it’s also not a bad thing. It’s the normal experience for Christians to live in this hopeful tension. So, don’t reject hope because it carries tension with it. Don’t reject hope because it doesn’t immediately solve all the unpleasant experiences in your life. This is “the hope to which [God] has called you” (Eph 1:18).

How Do We Relieve the Tension?

Tension always begs to be relieved. So, what should we do with the tension hope creates? Is there an action we can take? Something we can do to relieve the pressure? Yes! There is something we can do: wait.

Not the action step you were hoping for, is it? Who likes waiting? But this connection between hope and waiting is a strong one. It is so closely linked in the Bible that these concepts, at times, are interchangeable.

For example, Psalm 25:3 in the NIV translation says: “No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame.” But the ESV translates the same verse this way: “Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame.”

Here are some other examples of the connection between waiting and hope:

• “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you” (Ps. 39:7).

• “For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him” (Ps. 62:5).

• “For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience” (Rom. 8:24–25).

• “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ” (Titus 2:11–13).

• “For through the Spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness” (Gal. 5:5).

Waiting Is Active

Our hope should lead us into waiting. But contrary to how we perceive it, waiting is not passive. Wait is a verb. It is something we do. It’s active. It takes energy and endurance to wait well.

So, what does it look like to “wait for our blessed hope”? Waiting is a conscious choice to persist in seeking God, not a subconscious existing between prayer requests. It is continuous and active looking to God as the answer to all problems and unfulfilled longings. It is the fight to continually refocus our hope on God alone. It is constantly reminding our souls that He is trustworthy, He is reliable, and He will come through. Waiting on God is crucial when prayers remain unanswered and God seems distant, and it is necessary in fruitful seasons to remind us our hope is not in present success but future glory.

Waiting on God is how we express our hope in Him. It’s the fruit of the tension we feel from the already and not yet of our faith. We wait for what we hope in.

But remember, people only wait on what they know will come through. There's a reason no one is standing in line at an empty register at Walmart, hoping for a cashier to magically appear. There's a reason no one is sitting at a Chick-fil-A drive-through on Sunday, waiting to place their order. No one is coming, so waiting is pointless. We only wait on what is reliable. And this hope we have is infinitely reliable. It’s trustworthy. It’s sure. So, wait on it.

All that has been promised to those who trust in Christ is absolutely coming true. So, as you feel the gap between the promise and the reality, as you feel the tension hope creates, wait. Wait eagerly and actively with your brothers and sisters in Christ and endure in this season together. One day soon these years of sin and suffering will end, and all we’ve hoped for will be placed in our hands. It’s as certain as the coming of the dawn. So, with the psalmist, let’s say:

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the LORD more than the watchmen for the morning, more than the watchmen for the morning. O Israel, hope in the LORD! For with the LORD there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption. And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities (Ps. 130:5–8).

Originally posted on ReviveOurHearts.com.

My friend Jessica had excused herself to the bathroom in the middle of our coffee date. When she sat back down, her disposition noticeably changed. I knew something uncomfortable was headed my way.

She gracefully navigated the awkward transition from “how was your weekend” talk to the ominous “can I share something that’s been bothering me,” and I immediately began racking my brain for what offense I may have unknowingly caused. I wore a calm face but internally braced myself for the wound I knew was coming.

Jessica sweetly shared a few specific instances when she had just needed a friend to listen, and I had done anything but. You see, I’m a verbal processor. And at the time, I was in the middle of studying and thinking through something I felt burdened to write about. So, I was extra verbal-processy. Instead of listening to her, I had used what she shared as an occasion for a mini-sermon.

Of course, I had meant nothing by it. Because I had not willfully sinned against her in my heart, my conscience had not been awakened to shine the light on my oversight. But still, I had hurt my friend. So much so that she no longer looked forward to hanging out with me, which was how she knew she needed to address it. Because she valued our friendship and cared about me, she spoke up, even though it was highly uncomfortable for her.

The Gift of Rebuke

Proverbs 27:5–6 says, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” I had a blind spot. A habit with negative side effects I couldn’t see. And by God’s abundant kindness, He gave me a friend who was bold enough to address it directly and gently enough to speak with kindness and compassion. My friend gave me the gift of rebuke, and it’s a gift I’m still reaping the benefits from today.

Nowadays, godly rebukes should be included on the endangered species list. They are a rare occurrence in the sea of affirmations and flattering platitudes often directed at women. Who wants to hear “you’re not a good listener” when you can instead hear “you’re enough”? Who wants to hear “you value your own thoughts too highly” when you could instead hear “your dreams matter”?

The answer is no one. No one wants to hear a rebuke. No one wants to be reproved. No one wants to hear that they are wrong. But rebuke and correction are gifts that we desperately need. If it’s true, like the hymn suggests, that our hearts are “prone to wander . . . prone to leave the God we love,” then a loving rebuke, issued by the Word of God in our daily reading or by the lips of a friend, is a gift to keep us from going astray.

Let us not forget that this is the part of the purpose of the Word in our lives. “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work” (2 Tim. 3:16–17, emphasis added). If we are rightly reading and studying the Word of God, it should often correct and rebuke us. It exposes our worldly ways of thinking, our self-centered motivations, and it shows us our need for recalibration and direction. This is a good thing! This is a gift!

The Gateway to Wisdom

Beyond being a gift to keep us near God, rebuke is also the gateway to wisdom. You see it in Proverbs 1: “Wisdom cries aloud . . . If you turn at my reproof, behold, I will pour out my spirit to you; I will make my words known to you” (vv. 20, 23, emphasis added).

Wisdom, by its very nature, rebukes. It corrects. It redirects. And how we respond will determine if we grow wiser or more foolish. If we respond by turning, seriously considering any word of correction, and changing our direction accordingly, then wisdom will be poured out on us. What a promise!

But while wisdom does offer a promise to all who will receive her rebuke, she also offers a warning to all who will ignore it. Proverbs 1 continues:

Because you have ignored all my counsel and would have none of my reproof, I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when terror strikes you. . . . Because they hated knowledge and did not choose the fear of the LORD, would have none of my counsel and despised all my reproof, therefore they shall eat the fruit of their way, and have their fill of their own devices (vv. 25–26, 29–31, emphasis added).

It is a dangerous thing to ignore the rebuking voice of wisdom and treat her warnings lightly.

These words in Proverbs 1 provide needed clarity in our “live your dream” culture. They remind us that we need more than just encouraging words; we need admonishing words. We need words of correction as well as words of comfort. Words of rebuke as well as reassurance.

Sadly, many equate rebuke with hatred. But nothing could be farther from the truth. Proverbs 3:11–12 reminds us of the truth: “My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.”

If you receive a difficult word of rebuke from the Bible or a friend, the Bible says to consider yourself loved and delighted in! Proverbs 6:23 says that “the reproofs of discipline are the way of life,” not the way of death. Let’s realign our thoughts with the Word of God and remove rebuke from the “hate word” list. A godly rebuke is the way to wisdom and life, not condemnation and death.

Be Wary of Flattery

So, what do we do with this information? How do we apply the truths of God’s Word in this area? The first step for many of us is to shift our way of thinking. We should no longer view the more “offensive” or uncomfortable truths of God’s Word as bad or to be avoided. Quite the opposite, this lesson from Proverbs on rebuke offers a better way. If God’s Word ever feels offensive and unattractive to us, we can now see it as an invitation to wisdom and life, if we will turn to it.

But secondly, these truths warn us if all we listen to are affirming words. If every book you read, every person you follow, and every speaker you listen to speaks only positively and never challenges your current way of thinking or living, be cautious. Yes, the Bible offers many words of encouragement for those who are in Christ, but that is not its only function. We need encouragement desperately, but we also need reproof. They are not mutually exclusive.

Practically, this means we should read all of the Bible, not just the parts that make us feel good. We should welcome the parts that challenge and confront us. And we should watch what we read and listen to, making sure that just as often as we are being encouraged we are being challenged and redirected by the Truth of the Word.

Rightly valuing rebuke may also mean extending the invitation to trusted friends and family, letting them know that you would gladly receive any critique or rebuke they may have for you if the time comes. Like my friend Jessica, most people aren’t jumping at the chance to share a difficult word. So, making the invitation may make all the difference in how much of this life-giving gift you receive.

Because of Jessica’s rebuke, I now have an awareness of my tendency to speak before listening, especially when it comes to topics I’m passionate about. I’m aware of the difference simply being a good listener can make and the pain not listening can cause. Because of her rebuke, I’m a better friend. I wouldn’t trade that uncomfortable conversation for the world. And when you humbly receive a rebuke and gain wisdom poured out on you, I know you won’t either.

Originally published on ReviveOurHearts.com.

The Mexican restaurant we had just arrived at made me nervous. My husband Jimmy had a concert to perform that night and our gracious hosts had decided to honor our Texas heritage by taking us to their favorite south-of-the-border spot. The problem? We were in Nebraska. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t just like Mexican food, I love it. I was raised on the stuff. Give me some tender beef fajitas and fresh house-made guacamole and I’m a happy girl. My problem with the Nebraskan place was not that I didn’t like Mexican food. It was that I liked it too much. As a native Houstonian, I was spoiled by the good stuff. And I had enough experience to know that any Mexican place north of Dallas would likely disappoint.

As expected, the food that night wasn’t great. But our hosts sincerely believed it was and waited eagerly for our approval. I’m not sure what we said to avoid exposing their subpar experience, but we tried our best not to offend. Sadly, they just didn’t know good Mexican food.

Today is National Best Friends Day. Friendship is such a great thing to celebrate! The gift of friendship has produced some of the sweetest joys I’ve ever known. It has saved me from despair, given me courage to do things I never dreamed possible, comforted me in grief and loss, and sheltered me in the storms of suffering. I don’t just like friendship, I love it.

And by God’s unfathomable mercy, I’ve been raised on the good stuff. I had great friendships since I was very young and mercifully some of my closest friends began following Jesus around the same time I did. I experienced depths of camaraderie before the age of 30 that many people wait their whole lives for. 

It is because of a profound love for the irreplaceable role of friendship in the life of a Christian that I am so dissatisfied with anything less than the best. I’m not content to settle, not for myself or anyone else.

Over time, my exposure to the typical experiences of other people’s friendships was shocking. Like the taste of Nebraskan Mexican food, my taste of Christians living in very worldly friendships produced disappointment and a longing for the real thing. I’ve done a lot of writing on this topic and it’s forced me to realize many people have never tasted anything other than worldly friendship. When I began tearing down this inferior model of friendship in my writing, some suspected that I was anti-friendship. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I love it so much that I only want the good stuff. For myself and for you.

CHANGES IN THE CULTURE

In 2017, Megan Gerber of The Atlantic made this observation:

“Friendships, increasingly, are playing an organizing role in society. Long conceived as side dishes to the main feast—marriage, kids, the nuclear family above all—friendships, more and more, are helping to define people’s sense of themselves in the world. During a time of emerging adulthood and geographic mobility, friendships are lending stability—and meaning—to people’s, and especially young people’s, lives.”

Gerber isn’t the only one to notice this cultural shift. Rebecca Traister, in her article Girlsfriends are the New Husbands writes:

“But as mating patterns change, and many women put off marriage until their 30s, we gain a decade of independence; a decade that might once have been dedicated to bonding with husbands and children, but is now often unfettered by men or the limitations of family. We may be single, but rarely do we spend those years without a coterie of girlfriends. We may not be growing up within the context of our marriages anymore, but we are not alone. Women become each other's de facto spouses...”

But this isn’t just a trend relegated to women. A recent study of college men in the Journal of Men and Masculinities found that they preferred intimate friendships with a male companion (a “bromance”) over a romantic relationship with a woman, expressing that their “bromantic relationships were more satisfying in their emotional intimacy, compared to their heterosexual romances.” One participant said, “Lovers are temporary; a bromance can last a lifetime.”

The authors of the study concluded: “the bromance could increasingly become recognized as a genuine lifestyle relationship; whereby two heterosexual men can live together and experience all the benefits of a traditional heterosexual relationship.”

As marriage and family slip lower on the list of priorities, friendship is becoming a surrogate family for many, providing the stability that they still long for. 

A shift is taking place in our culture. As family units grow more unstable, as the average age of marriage increases, friends step in to play the role of family. As the sexual revolution progresses, same-gender friendships become more confusing. How should Christians respond? We know friendship is a good thing, but is the world’s model the only way to do it? What does the Bible have to say about it anyway?

WHERE’S THE RULEBOOK FOR FRIENDSHIP?

The Bible is clear about some relationships: “Fathers, don’t exasperate your children.” “Children, obey your parents,” “Wives, submit to husbands,” “Husbands, love your wives,” “Elders, shepherd the flock.” But what about plain old ordinary friendships? “Friends . . . figure it out?” 

Because it lacks clear biblical commands, the field of friendship can often feel unstable. Unlike the obligations of a spouse or a parent, friends don’t owe us their lifelong commitment. When we risk going deep with a friend, there’s no guarantee it will last. Seasons change, people move, misunderstanding flourishes, conflict happens. 

Yes, Jesus commands us to love each other as He has loved us. But that doesn’t answer many of the questions we ask about friendship. Like, how many friends should we have? Do you keep in touch after you move? Should we covenant together like Jonathan or David? Should we be free to go our own way like the apostles in Acts? How should friendship change when someone gets married? How do we treat a friend who deals with same-sex attraction? While the Bible provides some principles, it doesn’t seem to give a blueprint for this substantial part of our lives. Friendship feels wobbly and unstable.

Many handle this problem by looking for a best friend, someone to cling to as the revolving door of other friends spins. Some protect themselves from pain by choosing not to go deep with anyone. Others accumulate as many friends as possible so that if one fails and bails, there are plenty to fall back on. But all these miss what is truly glorious and life-giving about Christian friendship.

WHY I’M WRITING A BOOK

It’s for these reasons, and many others, that I’ve decided to write a book tackling these issues that will likely release next year. Contrary to what some have thought, it is a profound love for friendship in my life, especially as a Christian, that has motivated my efforts in this. 

As Christians, we must take friendship seriously. Why? Because following Jesus is an individual decision, but not an individual assignment. We are a chosen race, not a chosen person. We are a royal priesthood, not a royal priest. We are a holy nation, a people for his own possession. We are not on this journey by ourselves. In fact, it is our ability to walk in close-knit unity with one another that validates Jesus’ coming to the watching world. We see this in Jesus’ prayer just before his death:

"I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.” - John 17:20-21

Our union with Christ and with one another forces the world to deal with the reality that Jesus came and is saving people. If a diverse group of Christians can do life together, flaws and all, and remain unified, then maybe this Jesus who he said he is! We must figure out how to be friends with each other, even when it hurts. Our witness to the world is depending on it.

My hope for this book is to recast the glorious vision for Christian friendship while reminding people that our friendships must take a backseat to our relationship to God. Only then will our community with one another truly flourish. And only then are we prepared to be witnesses to the world in an era where friendship is the new family.

DETAILS ABOUT THE RELEASE

The official title of the book is: Friend-ish: Reclaiming Real Friendship in a Culture of Confusion. You can preorder it on Amazon already! It releases September 3, 2019.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

So many of you have shared your stories with me, have sent words of encouragement and let me know how the content I’ve already written on friendship has helped you. And you’ve also shared ways it has been confusing or hindered you. For all of that, I am so grateful! The feedback you have given me has been truly helpful. Much of the refining of my thoughts and how I communicate them has been prompted by your stories and kind criticism and encouragement. This project has truly come to fruition because of your help!

So, as I move forward in my work on a manuscript, I’d love to ask you, my regular readers, for help. Here's how:

1. Pray

Please intercede for me as I work on this. Yes, I am working to write as well as I can, but ultimately human words of wisdom cannot bring about the heart change we all need. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 2:4-5: “My speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.”

Likewise, it is my hope that what people read in this book would cause them to put their hope not in any wisdom I give, but in the power of God. Please ask God to come alongside the completion of this book so that many would be helped and put their hope not in people but in Christ.

2. Sign up to receive updates

If you’re excited about this project and would like to receive updates on it’s progress, you can sign up below to receive email updates. This will give you the most current information on progress, deadlines, prayer requests, and more. It will also allow you to be first on the list to join the book launch team I’ll be putting together in 2019.

For His Glory,

Kelly