Ken Donaldson interviews Holly Donaldson. Yep, that’s what this episode of Sex, Addiction, and The Missing Peace is all about. Host Ken Donaldson interviews his first guest, his wife, Holly Donaldson, Certified Financial Planner. Ken, lately, has talked to more people about sex due to him recently becoming board-certified as a sex therapist. Holly, on the other hand, as a Certified Financial Planner, is board-certified to talk about money.  And sex and money are two things people don’t like to talk about too much, right?!! (Ken and Holly say they don’t expect to get many post-covid party invitations.)

They’re both comfortable talking about the uncomfortable subject matter!

Holly’s been a lifelong student of economics. She holds a master’s degree in it, and a master’s in business administration, both from the University of South Florida. Holly spent much of her career in banking, helping people and companies with their finances. Then, in the early 2000s, she became intrigued with behavioral economics, which is studying the psychology of money.

Holly then wrote a book about it in layman’s language called The Mindful Money Mentality. She has recently created an online course, “Retirement Readiness.” This is for people concerned about how they will transition from working and saving to spending those savings. You can read more about Holly at her website:

 www.HollyDonaldson.com

In this episode, Ken and Holly quite candidly, openly, and honestly discuss:

• Holly’s first thoughts when Ken shared with her that he was launching the Sex, Addiction, and The Missing Peace podcast. (Hint: The word “piece” when placed along “sex” typically means one thing, whereas “peace” means something completely different!)
  
• Holly’s initial reaction, thoughts, interpretation when Ken first mentioned the term “sexual addiction.” (Hint: Tiger_____________ and “yuck.”)
  
• Holly’s first impressions about Ken’s Ph.D. project being focused on sexual addiction. Holli is NOT someone who works in this field. But in reading some of Ken’s initial findings, Holly quickly recognized the amount of confusion about sexual addiction. Plus, she saw the many different opinions and ideas around sexual addiction. Holly observed this sexual addiction confusion, especially in what to call it. Plus, the many different research outcomes, all creating a challenging picture for an area to research in.
  
• Ken then asked Holly about her thoughts regarding addiction in general. Holly has heard Ken speak to numerous groups about addiction. (One of their first encounters was when Holly came to hear Ken talk about addiction at Turning Point of Tampa.) Holly suggested more Emotional Intelligence (one of Ken’s favorite topics!) is needed. With this, people can better understand and regulate their emotions and then be better able to express them. She also emphasized the importance of self-care for people. Especially, for people who may be in a relationship with a person struggling with addiction.
  
• Holly and Ken both joked about sharing Ken’s Ph.D. being in clinical sexology. They both do it in different ways with friends, neighbors, and colleagues.
  
• Holly also offers some supportive and comforting advice for all of the significant others who might have a spouse or partner in an all-consuming Ph.D. program. Holly emphasizes open communication, self-care, and the importance of maintaining some of the simple relational rituals.
  
• In closing, Holly re-emphasizes the universal need for people to learn better how to give themselves “self-care.”

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Sexualization?

In this episode of Sex, Addiction, and the Missing Peace, host Ken Donaldson shares research about sexualization and the media. He references one primary piece of research, entitled “Media and Sexualization: State of Empirical Research, 1995-2015. This comes from The Journal of Sex Research in which was published in 2016.

The primary purpose of this subject matter is to give some background and history as to why we’ve had such increasingly high rates of sexual addiction over the last several decades.

Ken references, in great detail, some of the findings of this research. This includes identifying what sexual objectification really means (i.e. treating women as objects instead of people) and the negative sociocultural impact sexualization has.

There is a clear distinction between sexualization and sex or sexuality, in that sexualization is a form of sexism.

The research shows some specific numbers and percentages of the amount of advertising, for example, that uses sexualization. Specifically, 22% of TV commercials that featured women in them had clearly identified sexualization of the women.

Furthermore, about 52% of magazine ads featured women as sexual objects (a.k.a. sexualization). Plus, even though most video games do not feature women, when women are featured they are more highly likely to have sexually objectifying features.

The impact on young men who view sexually objectifying images is that they have more discomfort with their own bodies.

They also have lower “body esteem.”

One of the conclusions included that when young men see sexually objectifying images of women, their brains put women more into a process that’s typically for objects, and not for humans, and thereby are more likely to treat women as objects instead of humans.

Additionally, this sexual objectification exposure tends to influence men to put more blame on rape victims. Plus, it cuts down on their normal empathy responses. Plus, it tends to lead to more gender harassment and a higher likelihood of engaging in sexist behaviors.

In closing, the study also researched pornography, as it is very much in mainstream media today. Specifically, how pornography correlates with young men’s exposure to men’s magazines and reality TV. The findings and found that this combination predicted a higher likelihood of acceptance of violence against women.

All in all, it’s not a real pretty picture. But as Ken states, it’s up to each one of us to use our voice to make change.

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In this episode of Sex, Addiction, and the Missing Peace, host Ken Donaldson talks about some controversies. Specifically over the labeling of Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder versus Sexual Addiction. Ken reviews content directly from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This is considered the “bible” of all psychological diagnoses used in the U.S. He then goes to the American Psychiatric Association’s (the APA; they are the authors of the DSM) website and compares and contrasts some confusing terminologies and semantics. 

Ken then looks at the diagnosis of Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder. This is a diagnosis from the World Health Organization’s (WHO) International Classification of Diseases (ICD). Ken compares the languaging differences and similarities. 

Ken reviews the symptoms from the diagnoses of Gambling Disorder and Substance Use Disorder directly from the APA website. His conclusion? The APA’s DSM symptoms are strikingly similar to that of WHO’s ICD.

All of this backstory is to ask the question: Why has there so much time and energy spent on arguing? Arguing about what? About the labels. This same time and energy could be used more constructively on prevention and early intervention of sexual addiction!

Sex addiction.
Two words put side-by-side that cause
SO much controversy.

Sexual addiction has long been misunderstood, misinterpreted, and, sadly, misdiagnosed. There are many arguments in the mental health and addiction communities on the proper labeling and classification of sexual addiction. As a result, sexual addiction is not even recognized as an official diagnosis by the American Psychiatric Association. The World Health Organization, on the other hand, prefers to label it as “Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder.”

Ken plans to do something rather than join the “sex addiction” argument. Stay tuned to see what all he plans to do!

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At the time of this writing there are about 66,900 Google search results for the term “Healthy Relationship Skills.” That means Healthy Relationship Skills, although not in the millions, has a good number of sources referencing that term.

If there’s ever a time when our healthy relationship skills are being tested, that time is now.

What exactly are “healthy relationship skills?” Consider four cornerstones:

1. Communicating Effectively – Active listening, mutual clarification and both/all sides working to best understand each other.
2. Acceptance of Differences – Working towards acceptance of differences is more effective than who’s “right” and who’s “wrong.”
3. Emotional Regulation – Recognizing our and others’ emotions; not overreacting or underreacting.
4. Validation and Empathy – Validating means you can understand deeply where the other person/people are coming from, and empathy means putting yourself in the other’s shoes.

When you put these four cornerstones together, you can quickly see the extreme value and importance of utilizing healthy relationship skills, because we’re all in relationships, and affected by relationships. Even if you’re completely isolated, you’re still in a relationship with yourself.

Looking at the graphic that accompanies this post, you’ll notice that the cornerstone skills are sorely lacking. The two animals fighting with each other don’t need an explanation.

However, let’s talk about the eagle. The eagle represents us. You, me and all of us here in the U.S. The eagle can withstand both the weight and the intensity of the fighting, disagreeing and unhealthy relationship dynamics that are occurring.

That’s where you and I come in. We’re going to survive in spite of the fighting that’s going on around us. We’ll even thrive if we stand together, connect with each other and support each other. That’s what happens when healthy relationship skills are practiced and put into action.

We may ebb and flow, and wax and wane, as that’s all part of our humanness, but if we all commit to practicing what it takes to build relationships, rather than destroying them, we’ll be stronger, wiser and better prepared for future challenges.

We’re resilient. It’s in our nature. And perhaps that’s the starting point for all of us to remind ourselves of.

We’re not just survivors; we’re thrivers. Let’s all begin by practicing these basic healthy relationship skills. Let’s help the eagle soar and overcome any and all challenges, obstacles and, yes, even viruses, that may come our way.

I believe in us. Do you?

By the way, today is a great day to Marry YourSelf First!

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It’s been a little more than three months since Mom passed. In the first two months, I had several days that felt like years that were never going to end. I cried a lot. And I tried my best to get back into a regular routine only to be bushwhacked by waves of emotion. I slept a lot. I reached out to friends and talked their ears off. My pen became my best friend as I journaled a lot. I was clearly depressed. Ironically, my thirty plus years of being a mental health counselor didn’t clue me in to get some grief counseling. However, I received a follow-up call from a Hospice social worker and that prompted me to consider getting some grief counseling for myself.

I’ve seen the counselor several times now, and am happy to report that it has been very beneficial. I feel like I’ve “made a turn,” in that I’m no longer feeling so overwhelmed by grief.

I’m functioning better, have more energy and my overall mood is up.

I’m continually amazed at how easy it is to overlook something that’s so obvious. But then again, I do suffer from chronic and terminal humanness, so denial, blind spots and “I can handle this,” all come quite naturally to most people.

In my professional experience, I’ve facilitated a lot of grief counseling with clients who have lost a loved one. Other types of losses can be equally serious, enough so that it’s time to ask for help. Because of our chronic and terminal humanness, these can be harder to recognize.

As a few examples:

1. When you lose a pet . Those little (or big) balls of fur find a way into places in our heart and soul that humans never reach. Pets give us unconditional love. They become part of our family and daily life. When they pass the pain is often no different or less intense than losing a loved human.
2. Loss of your innate abilities. We all age and get old, and with that naturally comes the slow, or sometimes fast, decline of our capabilities. I ran regularly in my thirties and forties, but my body started to respond poorly (pain and extreme discomfort) as I aged. Several doctors, physical therapists and biomechanics specialists all strongly suggested that I give up running. I now use my bicycle for a good aerobic workout, but I still miss being able to run. For other people, the loss might be a noticeable cognitive decline, age-related changes in one’s appearance or ability to perform on the job.
3. Loss of the dreams you planned on. This is perhaps the most overlooked and under detected. Many people aren’t even aware of this themselves. We all have dreams, goals and ideas that we want to fulfill in our lifetimes, regardless of how obvious or conscious they may be. In my opinion, this is one of the leading causes of depressive episodes. When people see time moving but don’t feel like they’re engaged in life at the level they planned on, there’s a significant loss there.

The bottom line is that grief is a common denominator in this game of life. We all have losses and we all grieve. Unfortunately, many people don’t cope with grief well. They don’t ask for help.

They self medicate with drugs or alcohol, or become “do-aholics” or “busyness junkies,” or get into some form of digital addiction via social media, gaming, TV or online shopping.

Having been on both ends of grief counseling, I highly recommend it. If you’ve never seen a counselor before, it can feel extremely vulnerable and scary. We live in a culture that doesn’t encourage in-depth sharing of our true emotions, so going to see a counselor for grief counseling, or anything, can feel uncomfortable in the beginning.

I’m extremely grateful for the counseling that I’ve received, and I’m equally grateful for being able to help others through their losses. It is a gift to be present as another person works through their grief. It’s also a reminder of the fragility of this thing called Life.

So if in reading this you’re reminded of a loss that you’re still grieving, consider talking to a friend or writing about it. If you’re still struggling, do yourself a favor and make a call to get some grief counseling. That includes us counselors too!

By the way, Marry YourSelf First is a great support tool for anyone who’s recovering from any type of loss in his or her life. It also makes for a nice gift to help someone you know who might be struggling with their “chronic and terminal humanness.”

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