Kenoath

Parent and Child Interview

2008-06-07T14:00:00.009+08:00

Working with children often requires gathering as much information from the parent and child relationship as possible. Often the nature of the relationship between Mother and child 'contains' the information required for the child's treatment plan in counselling. How can a counsellor gather Parent and Child information while effecting therapeutic gain at the same time?

Usually when I see a new client under 17 years of age I will invite both child and parent to the first counselling session. While taking the contact details and asking routine client information details, the child and parent being to settle comfortably in the room. I often find that the parent is needing to launch into the problematic scenarios of their child and sometimes they might be holding a report from school. Taking the initial interview slowly is helpful and is a containing method in counselling. I will always ask the parent whether the child is receiving treatments for anything. I ask the child his or her age inviting them to engaging with me. Often the reply to treatments is in relation to ADHD medications or asthma etc. This is a good opportunity to ask the child whether they think the medications work for them. Some children say yes and others say no. I stroke the child's ability to respond by saying "I like the way you know that".

The next thing to do is inquire about the contract for counselling. I invite the parent to describe the things she hopes her son might achieve in counselling if he is ok about doing some work with me. Leaving that option for the child's is helping to peel off Driver functions and pressures of adapting by the child. It is also building my relationship with the child. I observe any adverse reactions in the child and the extent of any prevailing sensitivity for them.

It is also important (in some cases) to "hear" the Parent Contract from the parent directly. What I mean by this is to observe how the parent expresses their "hopes" for the child. Often the Mother will begin to describe negative behaviours, however I will stop her and invite her to think about the positive things she hopes her child will gain from counselling. This is not an easy question for some parents. The most common and easy option for a parent is to say "I want my son to be happy" or "I want him to control his anger". I will spend some time helping the parent to re frame her "hopes" and investigate the benefits for the child if he does achieve such things from counselling. The positive outcomes for the child might mean having more friends, better relations at home etc. The child is listening intently to the parent voice and aligning mothers hopes with the possibilities in their life. The child at this stage seems to have more time to acclimatize to the counselling process as I work with the parent.

I will engage with the child next by asking about siblings and their ages while I am drawing the genogram of the family unit. In many cases parents have split up, so by asking empathicly, "when did you see Dad last" is imperative. Checking how often the child engages with a separated parent is also very important information. If there are any signs of affective responses in the child's body language I note that.

Observing the body language between child and parent in the early stages of the interview is the best means of information gathering.

It may be that the child is sitting in the chair in some manner, or the child diverts their attention to some play toys near by. Perhaps the child is siting quietly or being more vocal by answering the questions directed at the mother? All of these initial observations are very important signs to attachment styles and adaptations with the parent.

Perhaps I will ask the child in a straight way "do you think you have an anger issue" (like what mum is saying). I will always stroke their answer if they offer one.

The next part of the interview is to gain the permission from the child for me to ask the parent about behaviours. I describe that feelings are like snow flakes, everyone has unique ways to express feelings. "If I know about your special kind of feelings then I will know more about you". I invite the child to have a say if he or she disagrees with what the parent says. Usually the child says "yes ok". But it is not enough to leave this invitation just there, its best to formalise the contract with the child's ok-ness to disagree by asking "How will you let me know that you disagree with her"? It is a simple question however most children stumble around before saying "I will just say something". "Ok, good idea", I say. I need the child to be "in the room" and in this way to invite them into thinking about what is being said.

If the issue of anger has been raised initially I ask the parent to describe their observations of what the child "does" when he or she gets angry. I develop safety with the child by containing the parent from describing all manner of problems the child may have. "I am writing a small list" I say. The list will usually show the kind of anger that the child exhibits. The child may be throwing objects but not breaking anything, the child may be throwing things that are smashing. The anger might be verbal, or with clenched teeth or fists.The child might be using a threatening style of behaviour which may indicate concerns around control.

The child may back away or stand his ground. The child may run out the front or back door when angry. These are the important pieces of information to understand the child's process of repression, displacement, withdrawal, destructive anger. In many cases this information may help locate developmental stages the child is recycling in their attempts to handle their life. Perhaps there is more self esteem work required in contrast to anger work. Along the way I support the child's concerns by offering nurturing responses such as "that doesn't sound fair" or "that is a pretty common behaviour that I hear".

The best outcome for ongoing counselling with children requires the enlisting of both parent and child into committing to the process. Developing safety and building relationship with the child is paramount of all. The initial counselling interview with parent and child is not only about information gathering however developing all manner of contracts and establishing the counsellor-client relationship. I have so far described about one half of the initial assessment interview. I guess we are about half way through the hour session at this point.

My next installment will describe how to gain information about the child's own ability to deal with angry feelings, their ability to desensitise. I will describe how the child can identify patterns in their thinking feeling and behaviours. I will describe how I Invite the child into a contract for change and then participate in a simple activity to prove themselves that anger can be expressed without getting into trouble. I will also describe how feelings arise for the parent during the interview and the benefit for the Parent and Child relationship.

Kenoath

Can't Come Won't Come

2008-05-29T16:20:00.004+08:00

I am starting to wonder how many ways a client find to not come to counselling. It seems that the surf must be good today and the waves might be a better option to counselling sessions.

Is it the weather or is there something going on in the stars? I was even cancelled by my dentist this week which resulted in my own supervision session being cancelled. I have dealt with many intermittent cancellations over the last ten years however when there are several cancellations all in a matter of hours, I begin to wonder about the "collective". Teenagers can easily not be around for their parents to bring them in for counselling rather than taking responsibility in saying they don't want to come today. For some clients I have an idea that some part of the "not coming" to a session relates to recent situations in their lives they wish to avoid. "Won't Come"! I wonder what they are hiding from?

Perhaps it is the Moon or the stars, like Seasonal Affective Disorder. On my other blog (Kingsley) I talk about the current state of Astrological effects and it seems to be spot on for this week happenings. I feel ok about clients taking a different approach because it means that something is changing for them. Not many clients like getting a cancellation fees however their decision in not coming must say something for them.

I know I don't like going to the dentist because my teeth are pretty average. I know the dentist won't be critical of me but somewhere in the back of my mind there is some resistance to put myself in the chair. Perhaps I will feel bad? I will have to confront myself with the reality of my fillings etc. I know that I am not bad, even one or two of my teeth are bad. Well, this week I made an appointment only to be cancelled. Phew! Hang on, I need to get something fixed and it has taken me some effort to be assertive to make the appointment.

I can understand that clients need to cancel occasionally. There is a perceived degree of pain perhaps that some clients can't or wont face. In my mind that is the best time to go to counselling because there are some issues close to the surface. I know the spate of cancellations recently have nothing to do with my abilities and my cancellation fees will hopefully be paid.

Sometimes its just a matter of making a decision not to go. In my mind that is not a bad thing. At least the client is in some way making a decision from their child part

kenoath

Crossroad Wriggle

2008-04-25T16:13:00.003+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOorFNNbYFs

Mind Snap

2008-04-17T10:44:00.006+08:00

There seems to always be controversy in the ranks of Australian Rules Football these days. As the football nation gets over the all encompassing Ben Cousins drug affair, new players are emerging into the bad behavioural spotlight. Recently we have seen how some football stars have caught for pissing on police station walls. At the moment the spotlight is on big bad Barry Hall.

Apparently Barry Hall is seeing a Psychiatrist for what he has called his "Mind-snap" in his unprovoked king punch to footballer Brent Staker jaw. Well the Sydney Swans and Barry Hall may be in damage control using whatever PR to shift focus away from the incident which has in my view has brought the game of AFL into disrepute.

I have heard of situations where people suddenly "snap"; often kids and teenagers become overwhelmed with feelings and "do something" all of a sudden without thinking. I have two aspergers clients who deal with this type of behaviour weekly. Perhaps Barry Hall fits the aspergers profile and the psychiatrist will diagnose him with adult ADHD and the Australian football world will accept that his actions were a part of his mental illness? But what about other footballers who may have to play on Barry Hall after he serves a seven week suspension for nearly killing Brent Staker with one punch? Will they be prepped in "psycho" techniques to avoid the wrath of Barry Halls aggressive snap?

It is interesting that Ben Cousins received a 12 month ban from the sport for bringing the game into disrepute by his drug use and Barry Hall received only seven weeks for his "mind-snap". Then again, Australian football fans tend to enjoy a bit of rough play on the field. Even football commentators in the recent past have joked about and highlighted the physically aggressive incidents on the field like it was entertainment.

So it seems that we the Australian population, according to social sentiment, prefer knocking other blokes out with king punches rather than blokes "punching themselves" with drug usage.

So the scoring of this sentiment stands so far as:

One Punch Mind snaps (aggravated assault causing grievous bodily harm) brings a 7 Week suspension.

Using drugs and having a co dependant substance abuse brings 12 month suspension and de listing from the AFL.

We Australians are a very funny and interesting lot.

Kenoath

Burnt Pizza

2008-04-10T15:43:00.007+08:00

Dimitris Pizza (not)

Setting out for dinner one night in Sydney recently the Motel manager confirmed with me that the Pizza shop across the road was very good indeed. The pizza shop seemed quite busy when I walked passed earlier in the evening. Perhaps it would have been best to eat earlier because by the time I went back, there were people everywhere eating and ordering pizza.

There must have been sixty people crammed into small rooms out back and in the front shop area of the pizza place. The young guy took my order and seemed very confident and skilled at his job. He did not write orders down and preferred to remember pizzas and clients. I think that is a very personal approach to customers. This guy was cool and he seemed to take the constant stream of making pizzas in his stride. I presumed his confident and stress less approach to making good pizzas was a part of his popularity in this inner Sydney suburb.

After waiting for some time in the take away chairs I took a note of the people before and after me to get some sense about when my dinner would be ready. I noticed how young Dimitris the pizza man, occasionally looked up with a smile as he scanned the faces waiting for their pizzas. I presumed he was determining the next order which was "ready to go".

By the time I stood up and claimed my pizza he quickly grabbed the pizza already in a box, situated in a warming hood above the single pizza oven. He knowingly said "this is yours".

Looking forward to eating a great Sydney Pizza I headed back to my room only to discover;

Burnt Offerings

Before eating the Pizza I considered walking it back across the road and presenting young Dimittris with this priceless flaw of a Pizza. In his seemingly seamless pizza world I wondered whether he singled me out in amongst his regular clients as a "burnt pizza fall guy". Admittedly I did look somewhat different to the other patrons in the shop. Perhaps I was not local enough looking compared to the hoards of young punters and one drunken dishevelled street guy sitting at a table?

At least young Dimitri's may have made a sound business decision, by using his intuition and picking me to give the burnt pizza to. I would be back in Perth the next day and Demetri's reputation would be in tact with no loss time or materials. So I ate the $11 dollar burnt pizza without any recourse except for now perhaps. As I put it on the blog record so to speak. Dimitris has a seamless stress less style of cool apparently. I guess if you get a burnt pizza its cool to be cool about it. Or at least that is the philosophy of Dimitris. Perhaps I have been initiated into the Dimitris Pizzas club and can claim that status next time I am in Darlinghurst.

Kenoath

Freedom Of Urination

2008-03-30T08:48:00.008+08:00

Recently there have been two AFL footballers in Australia caught pissing in public. It seems that when these behaviours come to light in the press, there is either a social trend brewing or its for the purpose of sensationalizing a normal practice. Usually it takes a high profile sportsman or entertainer to be caught doing something that is worth shaming him or her for. Remember John Cougar Mellencamp being busted for masturbating in a public lavatory?

Pissing is a quite a natural thing to do. When the need calls, why not just piss against a building or a tree outside? I think it can be quite invigorating to urinate in open spaces like the bush or outside in the garden at night time. It feels natural! Perhaps the Free Child enjoys connecting with that instinctive process, unbound from the parental protocols to piss in a toilet?

Recently, on a Saturday morning I wandered around the streets of an inner Sydney suburb and found remnants of the previous nights Free Child behaviours. When one's bladder is full of Piss (alcohol) it appears that a kind of instant relief is achieved by pissing in the street. It is a kind of celebration that the evening has been joyful and eventful. Perhaps it is a form of meeting one's own needs in a time of great pressure, unlike other individual needs that invariably do not get met.

I think after consuming enough alcohol, the right and wrong morals of the Parent Ego State tend to be gone. After drinking enough alcohol, the rational thinking that urinating in the street is unhealthy as well as against the law seems to be gone. It must be a new trend to frequent your favourite night club and save up ones bodily fluids for that special time afterwards. In the end, the Child part feels pressure in his or her bladder and acts spontaneously out of great need. When one's bladder is full of Piss (alcohol) it appears that there is instant relief by pissing in the street. It is a kind of celebration that the evening has been joyful and eventful.

So, is Urinating in Public a new trend sweeping our streets or have some high profile people been caught out exercising a natural and spontaneous bodily need? See the video and contemplate pissing in the street. The next time you wish to experiment some Free Child relief.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=St-GdHWCiro

kenoath

Custom Grafitti

2008-03-30T08:27:00.004+08:00

Here is a picture for Grafitti.

DDD Dash, Drift, Days

Best Kenoath

Child Power

2008-03-17T16:24:00.003+09:00

Child Power has much to say about hope, needs, intuition and inner equality. This photograph equates the final stages and outright confidence (perhaps bragging) of the childs resolve to counter - Parent injunctions and Parent Contracts. Perhaps this photo also represents my belief in child power and the 'weight' of individuality. (press photo to go larger)

kenoath

Natural Phenomena?

2008-03-17T09:50:00.000+09:00

Thursday June 7, 2007

The Guardian
"There are some stories that hook right into our primeval suspicions, that are unsurprising because they reinforce things we have believed, in however woolly a way, all along. A recent discovery by the Sussex police force, that incidents of anti-social behaviour rise significantly whenever there is a full moon, is one of them. Inspector Andy Parr, who has the unenviable responsibility of policing Brighton at weekends, set the number of violent crimes his force had recorded in the past year against the dates on which they had been committed and found that they peaked on payday - and when the moon was full. They now plan to beef up their patrols at full moon. "I'm aware that this is just one of many things that can influence public disorder, but if you speak to ambulance staff, they will tell you exactly the same," he said."

Recently a client on leaving a session asked me what I thought of the full moon. They asked whether or not the full moon has the capacity to affect people's behaviours? Seeing it was the end of the session I politely nodded and mentioned that fish and some other fauna seem to be affected by the Moon, why not humans? He knodded too and we appreciated looking forward to the next visit. Maybe he was just investigating the possibilities of the full moon effects and self actualising?

The Moon is constantly changing, softly reflecting light to earth in the dark night sky. The moon is always there or close by at least. The Moon is she, feminine and reflective and perhaps knows much between the dark and the light. The Moon is big, it seems a great distance away and it has been an object in the sky that many have scorned or blamed, loved and lived for over the centuries. The Moon is a constant companion to humans and beasts. We also may identify time and tides based on the lunar phase and the pivotal Full Moon. Humans have developed a relationship with the Moon and in most cases she is often referred to as the Mother.

Superstition, myth or truth? It seems that the full moon has been blamed for certain human behaviours. How can that be? Are our police and ambulance officers becoming lunar-ticked? It seems the belief that the cycles of the moon's orbit around the earth has some sort of affect with humans. This belief in the community has been apparently going on for many many centuries.

In post medeival times it was even argued in various court cases involving murder or aggressive crimes that the full moon caused some kind of temporary insanity for the defendant.

"It was the Full Moon that did it you're honor"

"It turned me into a right monster it did"

The Full Moon is only one stage of the Moon's cyclic relationship between the Earth and the Sun. The eight different phases of the Moon are like clockwork for people on earth and we experience them as one of nature's wonderful routines. Quite impressive really and no doubt one of the reasons ancient occult groups and various religions turned their focus to serious Moon worship.

The Moon has been a part of our every day life simply because it's there all the time. Like a silent friend in the sky she glows and changes shape from week to week. We have a kind of "object relationship with her even if we only glance up, once in a while. Obviously the Full Moon phase is quite dramatic in the night sky. The word Lunacy derived from Luna was obviously a form of insanity aligned with the Moon by early psychiatrists. The Moon is an object in the sky that seems to have great importance to humans, including the the focus of two super powers in the challenge to be the first man to land on the Moon.

Real picture or hollywood movie set? Autobelieve

It seems that over the centuries humans have developed beliefs about the Moon and especially about the effect of the Full Moon. Less seriously in recent times perhaps when people joke about the Full Moon rising. That we "better watch out" or "its oing to be crazy tonight". I wonder whether you remember the nursery rhime about the cow and the moon?

Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle

The Cow jumped over the Moon

The little dog laughed to see such sport

and the dish ran away with the spoon

I could never really understand the Dish and the Spoon bit when I was a child but my point is that even nursery rhimes incorporate developing a relationship to the Moon. One would describe that relationship in this story as somewhat neurotic or dysfunctional at the least. Nonsensical. Crazy stuff happens, Shit happens in life, is the message being conveyed perhaps?

Do people become more self activated, self reactionated at the Full Moon? One could argue that we instinctively believe that happens because of our generational beliefs and ancient myths on the Full Moon. In the Object Relations part of the relationship to the Moon we are perhaps working to her clockwork and we instinctively know when to go "crazy", (try get her attention) according to the moons shape. We try to fill her expectations and attempt to self actualise around her at the full moon.

By the look of the article in the Guardian even Policemen are developing strategies for the full moon period in their communities. The Full Moon only comes around once per month. It is a timely reminder of the cycles of nature and the reality of such an embedded 'object' in our world.

Kenoath

Somatic Body Language

2008-03-13T15:59:00.012+09:00

The Physiological aspect of human condition has been the focus of many studies over the years. Like with understanding body language and other non verbal communications, perhaps physiological phenomenon is about deeper levels of unconscious communication or "Somatic Body Talking" (The body's body language). A persons body language is mainly interpreted by others in the environment and mostly is not that hard to understand.

Angry Child using arms, lips and eyes

Body language can be a helpful guide to the type of feelings one is having at any one time. Over time, individuals may learn to interpret their own body language and experiment to know whether that form of communication is an accurate expression for them. I certainly can tell when my shoulders raise up in some situations which indicate stress for me. Self reflection of various moods and thinking styles can help one's awareness in relationships. Overall and in most cases, body language can be a helpful guide to the type of feelings one is having.

I can remember my ex wife many years ago consistently sneezing before having sex. I thought it was curious at the time although I just laughed about the thought of her being allergic to me or perhaps that it was her preface to the excitement of sex? I just don't know really. Perhaps in this instance there is a degree of error in the interpretation of her body language? When I think about her sneezing, its not really body language but perhaps a deeper level of somatic language that requires further disseminating.

A young client recently began dry coughing after twenty minutes into counselling. After carefully tracking our discussions around to the "F" word (Feelings) she seemed to develop a non stop dry coughing. She was young and her resistance to counselling was relatively high so I backed off a little. When I started talking again her coughing resumed. I became intrigued with her cough however at the same time kept in mind how my own resistance to physiological writers such as Louise Hayes. In fact Louise Hayes says about coughing;

Coughing...............A desire to bark at the world, "See me! Listen to me!"

When feelings are suppressed to such an extent in life, eventually it becomes helpful to "cough" them out. But what if we really want to talk about feelings and another part of our personality says "we must not talk about them"? "Feelings are too scary" "Shut up, we must protect someone at all costs?" The interpretations of the person's coughing most likely infers that feelings are overwhelming and they prefer the counsellor to go away. The person may not talk about her feelings however there seems to be an element of personality at least attempting to communicate, even if the "words" are frictions in the persons throat.

Frogs and Words are just Frogs and Words

I wondered what manner of things this young person's cough was trying to tell me. The cough turned into another form in my mind. I began to visualize the possibilities of her cough. It was not only the Child part of her personality but a deeper more Somatic Child element trying to communicate. According to my initial feelings about her persistent coughing they may have been about resistance and control. She didn't wish to be in counselling and told me so. I felt that she wanted to block me out and express herself at the same time.

If I chose to go away that would leave her all alone. If I chose to be angry with her coughing that would mean no one was listening to her. It would seem that one would need to try very hard to listen to this particular young girl. To not to be thrown off by her resistance in order to "listen" to her cough. Something inside her was communicating. Perhaps Louise Hayes is right this time? That the girl "needs to be heard and seen" through all the barriers of her resistance? The deeper level part of the girls personality is emerging through an irritation in her throat, the part that needs to be heard and seen.

kenoath

Alien Healing

2008-03-04T20:54:00.006+09:00

Warning to Aboriginal and Torres Strait people. Pictures of Aboriginal Bone pointing device.

Recently I attended a Theosophical retreat where I met some wonderful people and joined in on discussions about Alien Healing. I was most impressed with the level of research by the presenter and by his compassionate will to heal people. The Theosophical Society maintain an open minded credo to all kinds of beliefs and this weekend was no exception. I have been a member for only a short while so unfortunately I cannot do any justice in explaining their open minded, humanitarian principles of brotherhood.

I have heard of Alien Abductee groups run by psychologists and abductees however Alien Healing is quite different. There are apparently Alien spaceships comprising of specialist Doctors who fly to earth with the intention of healing human beings.

There have been many accounts of Alien healing and sitings. According to the details, there have been thousands of Alien sitings which we rarely see on the six o'clock news. One notable account refers to an engineer working in Columbia. Here is the extract of that story;

"Engineer Juan Osorio was working in an area of a local lagoon when a huge lighted disc shaped craft suddenly descended over him. He was somehow hoisted on board the object in a 'platform' made out of light. Inside the brilliantly lit object he was confronted by several tall 'beautiful' human-like beings, wearing shiny silvery clothing and boots. The group included men and women. He felt peace and tranquility while he was conducted to another room. There he was bathed in a soothing red light that appeared to purify him. Later he was asked to remove his clothing and was told to put on a uniform similar to theirs, and then he was taken yet into another room and there a luminous orange colored rectangle enveloped him. A blue-violet haze encased his head apparently going through some time therapeutic process. Soon after his release by the extraterrestrials he was diagnosed totally free of cancer, a disease he had suffered from for sometime now." end quote

Recently practitioners here on earth are learning how to channel or facilitate the Alien Doctors work from the distance between the spacecraft and sick bed.

In my mind, I tend to "believe in nothing and be open to all the possibilities"; Perhaps it is wise to at least remain open to the power within the person, their own belief that such hi-tech healing can happen in lieu of failing cures and treatments of our own hospitals. It is the belief of the Aboriginal for example, where death certainly follows after a witch doctor points the bone at you. Could it be possible we have some very caring aliens practicing their healing around the globe?

I enjoyed the weekend retreat where the atmosphere seemed to have a certain freedom of thought and welbeing in the group. Perhaps that activity is quite refreshing compared to the bounds of more mundane generational styles of thinking.

Kenoath

Separating Not Leaving

2008-03-01T13:13:00.012+09:00

Many young adults these days are being forced into living at home with their parents for longer periods. In many cases the decision to remain in the familial home is framed by practical considerations and the ever increasing costs of living in a modern world. Teenagers and young adults according to the statistics, prefer to move out of home in order to increase their Independence. According to developmental theories, moving out of home is a kind of literal manifestation of the separation process and achieving adulthood.

The Statistics in Australia are 30% Currently

What happens if during this individuation process, the young adult does not have the literal experience to symbolize the psychological process? Can proper psycho-separation be achieved while living under the same roof as the parent figure? Can dependence on parents effectively shift to Independence from parents while living at home?

When Does The Dummy Really Come Out?

The short answer is that everything is possible when it comes to Human evolution and survival techniques. Different cultures around the globe have been learning to survive and adapt for centuries. It does however, place extra pressure on those cultures like mine, which are in the early throes family structural transformations.

Been Doing It For Years

When I was eighteen, I left home to live with friends in a shared house. I think the rent in those days was about $60 per week for a reasonable house. It took me a couple of goes to eventually leave home. The process for me involved anger and heated debates about different value-beliefs. I was very grateful in the end for my parents difference of opinion and unwillingness to accept certain beliefs on my part. We experienced conflict and then separation came in a physical context.

Time To Leave Home

Perhaps in older generations we left home once we got married and that was the determinate aspect of becoming independent from parents. It meant that we had to find a husband or wife in order to separate. Perhaps the literal experience of separation in those days was more physical than current times. One finally knew they were separate from daily parent influences.
These days parents build extra rooms or renovate the garage space to create separate living areas for their adult children to stay at home. Some parents I know who are single parents, build new houses incorporating separate living spaces for their growing children. The children become involved contractually by sharing mortgage responsibility.

I know my generational place perhaps when I consider the options available for modern family units to live under the same roof for longer. Perhaps my need for independence and relatively high Rebellious Child part would feel limited and restricted in such on going family units.

I would feel better to be separate even if it meant living in a house like this!

But that is just me!

Kenoath

After Life

2008-02-23T06:37:00.011+09:00

Picture by Aliza

It's true that the final Developmental Stage in life is where shedding all our attachments to the physical world eventually means drawing our last breath. Like the sign on this therapists gate, perhaps contract disclaimers in our relational life could be utilized more effectively?

When two people get married, the verbal contract to consolidate the union says "for better or worse", "in sickness and in health, "to love and cherish" and so on. In view of the divorce rate perhaps the contract might also contain the words such as "potential for attachments to be removed" in case of the marriage ending;

Seeing as though in the beginning of most relationships the degree of attachments are considerably high, I doubt whether such a disclaimer would be acknowledged. They are indeed cold and threatening words in contrast to the warm inviting ideologies of marriages.

Perhaps prenuptial agreements go a long way to effect some kind of reality to the equation with modern relationships.

Many couples in relationship therapy have reached the stage where they are on the verge of separating. Even though the bonds between these couples in therapy have all but severed, there seems to be great force at work keeping them together still. At times I have asked clients what is the "binding thread" for them? I must admit its a hard question to answer.

Some say they do not know and others might say "that's why we are here in therapy Ken" Some couples refer to a quantitative measure and relate the 'force' keeping them together is the last 10% left in the relationship. Sometimes ten percent of something can be psychologically quite large indeed.

Even if one removes the financial and material aspects of the last ten percent binding some unstable relationships there is still a formidable force that couples seem to use. Staying together seems like a desparate struggle within the adversity and instability. The ten percents that I am referring to are of course the emotional and psychological need for 'attachment' in life.

If a relationship is going to continue, it is that last ten percent, for better or worse, which requires building upon or discarding. Either way there will be some grieving, relative to the way attachments are working in the relationship.

Kenoath

Disclaimer
The gate picture at the top is not really a therapists gate. The picture was supplied by courtesy of my Brooklyn blog friend Aliza.

The 80's

2008-02-10T18:58:00.001+09:00

This one is for Nick

In the 1980's I was a Photograher and very much a rock n roll person. I lived and breathed behind my cameras and sometimes lived in my studio. In the early eighties I lived in a house opposite parliament house which was owned by court judge here in Perth.

This was my Landlady

In the photograph she is wearing my leather jacket and smoking a joint I think? We had a rock n roll affair for a while, she was also a photographer however a little older than me.

Mick Jones of the Clash

This is a photograph I took of the Clash when they came here to Perth in the 80's. I didn't get a photographers pass at this concert which was unusual. The touring company tried to ban cameras and I think I was out of favour with the tour company manager at this time.

I edged my way up through all the punks in the middle concourse at the concert. It was standing room only; I had two camera bodies and various lenses in my jacket pockets. I got some terrific shots of the band while being buffetted by pogo dancing punks all around me. They were using my shoulders to launch off sometimes but I stood steady with my telephoto lens.

Paul Simonon

Afterwards I went backstage with a few others and got several shots after the gig. The shot above of the bass player was just after he had his intravenious vitamins shot. The band let us eat and drink from their eskies and we all enjoyed the euphoria of the powerful performance by the clash.

I guess this is one of the highlights of my experiences through the eighties although one of many.

I wonder where Fiona my landlady is now?

Kenoath

Parent Contract in The Room

2008-01-24T19:12:00.002+09:00

Some parents prefer to check out new counselors they hope to send their child to for help. I think in most cases that is a very good idea unless that is, there is a "Parent Contract" sought with the counselor. I am a great believer in firm and nurturing parenting skills, however draw the line going along with controlling devices of some convincing parents when it comes to counselling their children. Does a counsellor take on board the parents idea of treatment plan and enlist his or her goals for the child's well being

An Early Developmental Change Other Contract

A Parent Contract in Transactional Analysis usually presents with the individual claiming that he must (have to) change a certain behaviour, belief or feeling that is complicating their life. One can clearly hear the "parent in their head" saying what must happen now. Unfortunately "change" does not occur for an individual by following the psychological parent demand. Its doomed to fail in the short term. The parent contract scenario would also seem to apply if the living and breathing parent is in the same room. There is one small difference perhaps in that the parent in the room is also a client in the room. It is possible tin some cases hat prior meetings with Parents can be setting the scene for continuation of parental contracts around their children.

Manipulation of Counsellor

I am happy to work with most situations in the counselling room and sometimes recognise the benefit of accepting different client needs and contracts. It is entirely possible to work creatively with presenting issues that do not seem to fit with text book guidelines and treatment outcomes.

It is good to gain another client to which ultimately adds to weekly incomes however are there limits for accepting seemingly manipulative "change other" contracts from the actual parent. It is a tricky situation indeed as the counselor is required to understand the parent's own psychological (internal) Parent ego state and then deal with the emotional issues of the child.

There are bound to be some confronting areas of mediation and clarifying with the real time parent-child relationship. The actual parent may not like not being in control and think the counsellor is going against their wishes. This may indicate some confusion about the "contract" or goal established during the initial consultation. The parent might feel betrayed and misunderstood if the counsellor attempts deconfusing work too early in the treatment.

It is ok if the counsellor chooses not to accept the Parent Contract with the actual parent by carefully confronting the real time parent and child relationship just in the same manner as the psychological Parent-Child dialogue for an individual. Otherwise the going may get tough further down the track and treatment outcomes may begin to look like the picture of the baby above (top) for the child.

Perhaps a better contract is for the mediation of their relationship which must include both mother and child's willingness for deconfusion and decontaminating aspects of their relationship. Without that willingness (contract), in my view the counsellor can not really accept the Parent Contract with the parent (in the room) parent contract.

Kenoath

A Different View "Pain and Empathy"

2008-01-20T11:32:00.000+09:00

Thought you might like to read the latest one over at kkkk Kingsley's place. Click on.....

http://kenoath.wordpress.com/2008/01/19/empathy-and-pain/

k

Failure

2008-01-14T13:35:00.001+09:00

Recently a person told me that failure is just a learning experience. I am not sure why he was telling me this however I nodded to him and quietly accepted his philosophical viewpoint. I don't think every person can easily accept failure in life and in fact some may take a cynical view to such philosophy. Failure is definitely a concept to experience however its up to the individual whether they learn from that.

Downturn in life seems to be a measured concept

The Human Race

Why is it called the Human Race? It sounds very much like a competitive affair where some are winners and some are losers. Nobody likes to fail in their endeavours however at some point in life acceptance of failing in the race is inevitable. Some people that I have observed prefer not to accept defeat and seem to opperate in one or two ways.

Exersizing resilience is challenging in itself and to feel successful again can simply be a matter of staying strong by bouncing back in the face of failure; its like an interim stage of being successful again. Losing ones composure and dignity is not necessarily a part of experiencing failure.

What is wrong with accepting that something has failed?

Ending up on the scrap heap can be a fearful thought

Some people prefer to ignore the possibility of their own complicity in failures and they can adhere to rightious beliefs claiming otherwise. Blaming others is not out of the question here or at least vindicating self by reframing their failed actions and claiming to follow seemingly correct protocols in some situation. Do they learn from the experience of failure is the question?

The Blinker method of handling failure

Skipping over the experience has the potential to lead to further failures in life and the continuance of certain personal beliefs according to ones track record.

Some things in life simply come to an end rather than failing. In my view there is nothing wrong with looking at 'failure' or endings in the face and accepting ones own part in such circumstances. That is not an easy thing to do; however in doing so the "failing" can become a learning experience which may allow other opportunities to open up.

Kenoath

Picture This

2008-01-11T15:48:00.001+09:00

Over my relatively short involvement with counselling children I have seen over one thousand different types of anger. Anger does seem to be similar to snowflakes in that no one snowflake is the same. Most children enjoy expressing their anger in some way. Drawing is one helpful way that children express and reflect on angry feelings. In my view, unless there is a connection between feelings and individual experience for a child, it is quite possible that unresolved feelings are carried over into future years.

Picture this

Abandonment by fathers and consequent controlling parenting creates anger that wears through the surface to reveal deeper injury. Taking things on the chin so early in life means being prepared to sacrifice anything and that means within ones character.

Domestic violence and things that were not meant to be seen create contrasting hate and fear. One eye wide open is enough to create fractures or splits in the mind's eye. Corrupt role models beg not to be seen as the ingestion of experience creates other beliefs.

Colourul layers of autistic lines reflect maturation and containers to feelings that best be organised. Anger can be the containing line and extremity like a trees history

Individuality and creativity untangle frustrations eventually. Masking sensitivities and deficits are the source for such impulses and the identity emerges in good time.

Many children have touched my heart over the years and helped me to achieve a personal perspective in life that I am truly grateful for. I wish I could thank them for drawings and trusting.

Kenoath

Ending Despair

2008-01-07T15:38:00.001+09:00

When life becomes intolerable with health issues and there doesn't appear to anything to live for what are the alternatives left for a person?

Recently I have been involved with a person who is seriously considering killing himself. The person has multiple health conditions including Pancreatic cancer, Hepatitis C and heart problems. The outlook for this person is very bleak indeed. His current dilemma involving doctors who decline giving pain medications or admitting the person to hospital are adding to the despair of ending his life. He wants some pain medication however all that can be done apparently is refer him to the pain management clinic. The pain management clinic can only make an appointment for eight weeks time.

Apparently he is known by medico's as an antagonistic patient and previously addicted to drugs.

When the person tries to access medical help he seems to get kicked out of hospitals and surgeries which only serves to reinforce his despair that no one can help. All that is left for him is to take large numbers of panadol which destroys what is left of his liver.

I am in contact with the person by phone as he is several thousand miles away from my location. He has told me that he will kill himself before the 17th January which is his 37th birthday. He tells me how he will drive up into the bush and end it all.

The End of The Road

He is a compassionate hard working man who has sadly had a difficult life. He tells me that he is not copping out on life or is he weak in trying to deal with his health conditions. He just wants out! The pain is unbearable for him however I do not think that is his main concern.

He has tried to call his estranged father however he is told to never call him again. All the person wants is a hug from someone who understands. Thats not too much to ask for in my view. The person just wants to be hugged and appreciated before he goes.

A Man With Means

So I can understand that he wishes to end his life and that he has the means to do that. All I can do is talk with him and be there for him during the last days of his life. He has agreed to call me ten minutes before killing himself. He will drive into the bush away from the society that he percieves as rejecting him. He will pull the trigger, gas himself or most likely inject himself with too much heroin. Most likely in his case he will do all of the above to make sure the job is successful.

He will leave this earth knowing that at least someone has listenned and to a certain extent understood his concerns. Until then I will hear his tears and give him hugs over the telephone. There is nothing else I can do.

Suicide in most cases is about ending the despair.

Kenoath

Composite Subjectivities

2008-01-07T11:30:00.001+09:00

Intersubjectivity is about the sharing of subjective states by two or more individuals. The intersubjective unconscious relationship between two people (as described by therapist and client relationship) is explained by Ogden

Thomas H. Ogden (1999), discusses his notion of an 'analytic third' and explains that

"I view the intersubjective analytic third as an ever-changing unconscious third subject (more verb than noun) which powerfully contributes to the structure of the analytic relationship. The analytic third is at first almost entirely an unconscious phenomenon. Since the unconscious, by definition, cannot be invaded on the wings of the brute force of will, the analyst and analysand must use indirect (associational) methods to "catch the drift" (Freud, 1923/1955, p.115) of the unconscious co-creation."

So in the initial stages of relational unconscious space between clinet and therapist both subjectivities are somehow combining or dancing in supposedly a productive interplay. The composite subjectivities might look something like this.

The Client's Subjectivity

The Therapist's Subjectivity

The Composite Subjectivities

My thinking and question is, how do we know that the two subjectivities are interplaying or dancing with each other or in fact combining in a composite form and therfore constantly shape shifting depending on the therapist and client's unconscious process? What really does go on in the intersubjective unconscious space? The therapist uses her skills to sense what is going on for her in relation to the client and might say openly; " I sense that the stripey nature between us at the moment." Perhaps the client may process the situation and sense "my feelings about the relationship allow my stripiness and I feel its ok to place them with the therapist".

The Relational Therapist may define verbally or silently, something that is not visible or tangible in the relationship with the client. The therapist allows the relationship to explore what goes on between them. Over time the client may benefit through the strength, understanding, solidarity and empathy found in the intersubjective relational unconscious.

The two subjectivities in composite is one theory perhaps however there may be limitless ways the intersubjective relational unconscious's actually work together.

Also see http://kenoath.wordpress.com/2008/01/07/relational-composite/ for a different view.

Kenoath

Best Wishes Its Christmas

2007-12-25T06:50:00.000+09:00

Best wishes from Kenoath

Looking forward to 2008 and some very good blogging indeed.

A special Merry Christmas to

Kahless
Graffiti
Maryam
Lynnn
Roses
Nick
Rob
Madeleine
Nada
Cathy
Franco
Zeta
Nadga
Siobhan
Tracey
Lyn and Frank
Fleur + Jo

Thats it from this little Wombat

kenoath

Star Signs and Managing Illness

2007-12-16T12:34:00.000+09:00

Star Signs are Astrological generalizations about the Sun’s placement by sign in the Astrology chart; the descriptions below are light hearted and simplified techniques of an age old practice. Medical Astrology was used by physicians hundreds of years ago. Today it is still widely used although it is a specialist field and difficult to learn.

Aries;
Aries can readily take up the challenge and the fight involved with chronic illness. Aries dislikes restriction in life resulting in frustration dampering their usual spirit. They do not like how symptoms of illness slow them down. Most likely Aries will be the first to join support groups and start treatment plans. They love to turn the focus on themselves by claiming pioneer status and sole rights to their illness. Taking up the challenge they are prone to headaches and burnout when stress levels are high. Side effects of illness include regressive psychological behaviors similar to that of a two year old. Needs attention, parent figures, validation and home delivered chicken soup.

Taurus;
Taurean’s enjoy practical monitoring of food intake and outgoings. Only the really fanatic Taurus person will study the quality of their daily stool. The Taurus person conserves their energy through careful management and by grazing on foods. They tend to eat sweet foods including ice cream when they are tired and indolent. Stubbornness is a classic trait for the bull however patience can be their virtue too. Especially when dealing with symptoms and planning specialist appointments. Taurus people benefit from sensual touch (massage etc) and permissions to be lazy when managing illness. They have a potential to become stingy and possessive when stressed. The grass is always greener they say and the Taurean values his sense of security above all. Obsessiveness, Sore throats and Irritable Bowel Syndrome are some illness symptoms.

Gemini;
The Gemini has a multi planned approach to living with illness. In one respect they will deny having an illness while on the other hand over-worry about being ill. Confusion is the worst enemy of the Gemini. They tend to write, read and discuss general symptoms with others to make sense of their own symptoms. They establish new social networks and acquaintances in pursuit of managing illness. Different friends or associates are utilized at different times for managing illness. Perhaps they cannot accept that the two parts of them are ill together. They become fidgety and exhibit loss of Identity while managing illness. Their thinking style is fitting of the ADHD profiles with illness and symptomatic stress. Quiet dark rooms are antithetical but helpful for Gemini’s healing.

Cancer;
These people find comfort by spending time at home with family.
Being sensitive and intuitive to changes in their bodies, Cancer types tend to build psychological barriers and accumulate stress. They will nurture others to remain inwardly strong themselves. Fluid retention and digestive issues require management during illness. This Star sign may have a tendency to lie about their health condition or only discuss what others might prefer to hear. Sometimes they don’t really know all the facts about their illness so it isn’t really lying. Is it? Symptoms of illness include a potential for hysterics and vast mood shifts while managing their illness. Staying in bed, taking baths, going to counseling and pampering self are helpful and healthy-treatment plans.

Leo;
Here is the “illness poster person”; their picture is actually the one on the
poster describing their kind of illness. If not they could be on a particular hospital committee for disease and illness. This person knows how to rejuvenate their supplies of much needed energy. You see, Leo’s need to show off how well they are coping with illness. Enjoying the spotlight is demanding work and Leo’s somehow need to find the energy required. The Leo person fuels themselves through playfulness, enjoying children and expressing their sense of authority. Leo’s strive for the attention and recognition for enduring illness. Passionate in health management and inconsolable about giving up pleasurable and unhealthy pursuits. Heart Chakra vulnerabilities for Leo’s and potential identity crisis with stressful illness symptoms; similar to mild autistic emotional temperaments.

Virgo;
Fastidious, analytical and practical are key words for the manner in which Virgo’s approaches illness. Management is their friend. The polarizing attributes for Virgo can swing from micro pedantic to hedonistic wallow. The stressed Virgo will have a shower to feel healthier; as an alternative for pain relief they approach mundane tasks with fervor which then escalates to a seemingly spiritual experience for them. Virgo’s discussions with doctors are polite but condescending in body language. The Virgo knows more about medicine than most. Psychological projection occurs when they are ill, which includes blaming others, controlling everything and martyrdom syndromes. Virgo hold an Immaculate Conception type of belief about contracting their illness. Jars in their cupboards will contain holistic and healing foods labeled clearly. Virgo has a soul lesson while managing illness; that is by learning the difference between the immortality of goddess’s and living a mundane life on earth. You are perfectly ill Virgo.

Libra;
Libran’s gravitate towards peace, harmony and beauty. Their challenge in managing symptoms of illness is to appease the ‘beastie’ illness. Give the illness what it needs and it will stop being so aggressive. And if that doesn’t work Libra’s are happy to please the doctor by following his suggestion for staying in bed. “Will I have medication or will I not have medication?” That is the big question for the Libran. It is a difficult choice for Librans because it may involve more ugliness. With the potential for sadness and confusion, the Libran meets their nemesis-shadow in the mirror of illness. Their own inner beastie emerges much to the Libran’s horror. They need solid relationships and a partner who can love and make decisions for them while ill. When and if the Libran emerges victorious from illness, life moves on and so do they.

Scorpio;
Scorpio’s have an affinity to blood and death stories somehow. They absorb the intensity and fluctuations of their illness somatically. Scorpio’s usual innate skills and potential to take control are equally met by panic and emotional trauma while suffering illness. Scorpios keep the facts about their illness secret. Their major challenge during illness is, trusting someone to describe their darkest symptom. Emotional security may be a prerequisite before beginning any lengthy treatment strategies. Somehow they manage to sexualize their specialist’s diagnosis; look beautiful and intelligent at the clinic. Potential mood disorders and borderline temperament styles are possible symptoms of managing their illness. Sex is always helpful to unhealthy Scorpio’s but they need to watch any sadistic tendencies especially women experiencing PMS and illness.

Jupiter rules over Sagittarius and Pisces. In health matters Jupiter rules blood, lungs, liver and hip joints. Usually Jupiter is a good planet to have around.

Sagittarius;
The Sag has a wonderful opportunity to develop new philosophical pursuits while managing their illness. It’s the only way they can transcend the confines of illness. Knowing the facts about their illness is grounding for the Sagittarius as it helps them develop a bigger picture about their illness. The ever optimistic Sag tends to stay afloat by teaching everyone else about their illness. They think they know more than the doctor. Weight gain is a potential symptom for the Sagittarian and they do better by reading instead of crawling up the walls in hospital. Social level symptoms for the Sagittarian during illness include dogmatic responses, finger pointing and becoming loud in discussions. Blood pressure issues are potential for Sagittarians under stress and toxins tend to hide away in their joints. They dislike detailed explanations while enduring illness. The Sagittarian employs hope and optimism to feel better about themselves.

Capricorn;
The Capricorns middle name is ‘management’. This old soul has a practical and business like approach to dealing with diet and energy levels managing illness. Capricorns are hard workers armed with persistence to quietly achieve his or her goals in healthy times. What a bugger though, when illness gets in the way of the real work. The Capricorn seethes with delays caused through illness and soon learns to incorporate some control in managing health issues. The Capricorn who stays at home is “not happy Jan” unless they find a way to run things at work by remote control. Underneath the work-hard ethics there is a vulnerable and sensitive Capricorn soul who hates going on sickness benefits. Hari-Kari would seem more dignified but that’s not going to help the work situation either. Capricorns do well by changing their frame of reference with regard to their goals and lifestyle during illness. Perhaps some volunteering work might be helpful. They are wise listeners and could benefit from some of that Sagittarian optimism and Pisces spirituality. Work with it! Potential hair, bones and skin conditions; melancholia and grumpy old man/woman syndrome while managing illness.

Aquarius;
If there was ever a Star sign-social worker Aquarians fits that job description perfectly. Aquarians have unique but traditional approaches to managing symptoms. Their reformist approach may include herbal or alternative healing modalities. Aquarians are social and intellectual creatures with dependable (stoic) temperaments resistant to change. They are indeed rebellious of authority and most doctors. Denial of their illness is no excuse to keep drinking heavily though. Managing illness will present challenges for Aquarians who tend to burn out when stressed. Aquarians detach from their painful symptoms by reading, partying or engaging in mildly perverse behaviors. If that fails they will worry a lot. They need space and freedom to process the effects that illness has on their sense of identity. Aquarians entertain the idea that they are crazy. Whilst enduring longer term treatment strategies for illness they will rent a house with other friends receiving treatment and all go mad. They make friends at hospitals, doctor’s surgeries and chemists. They do not suffer fools gladly however sometimes the truth about illness is hurtful. They are prone to emotional rages and antisocial behaviors.

Pisces;
The Pisces person may not be religious in the biblical sense however they acquiesce to spiritualism and world-empathy. Unfortunately the weight of the world is too heavy for any one person. The Pisces person enlists creative dreaming within their management plan for illness symptoms. They are driven by compassionate and selfless acts while remaining invisible to their own pain. Only a Pisces will understand what I am saying. Pisceans live in time warps across past and future lives thus creatively dissociating from the pain of the mundane during illness. They prefer to live in isolation when they are sick. If that doesn’t work for them, sadly, alcohol and drugs will not help either. Compulsive behaviors don’t need to be detrimental so Pisces do well to form spiritual bonds with others while managing their illness. They can contemplate the next life if the stress gets too difficult. When backed into a corner by the effects of illness they have a potential to become bullies. Schizoid temperaments, loss of smell and sore feet apply.

Copyright Kenoth 2006

The Good The Bad and The Unlovable

2007-12-07T10:30:00.000+09:00

Often I hear people refer to a simple however seemingly vast statement in matters of a persons psychology; that "they are unlovable". That is a very big statement to make about self or other. Recently I heard how a psychologist mentioned to his client's personality as "unlovable". I am not sure of the context it was said however the client now feels vindicated, perhaps by way of diagnostic label, as if he has the disorder UD (Unlovable Disorder).

I must admit to knowing many people who consider themselves unlovable in some way and see how they go out of their way to not have close relationships in their lives. It is indeed a Script in their life. The only problem I can see with this type of thinking or behaviour is when the same person is forever looking for the perfect relationship in their life. Underneath they are unawares of their hidden trend (Script) towards unlovable status. One can imagine the frustration and dissapointment involved for a person who works against themself in such a manner.

"Why Me" one might cry, as they assume the 'not ok' and unlovable status once again.

Saying that one is Unlovable is a mouthful.

Wikipedia on Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction is commonly associated with New Thought and New Age theories, beliefs, and practices. It states that people experience physical and mental manifestations that correspond to their predominant thoughts, feelings, words, and actions and that people therefore have direct control over reality and their lives through thought alone. A person's thoughts (conscious and unconscious), emotions, beliefs and actions are said to attract corresponding positive and negative experiences, or "harmonious vibrations of the law of attraction". The "law of attraction" states "you get what you think about; your thoughts determine your experience."end quote

The laws of attraction say that I have to think or do 'Good' in some way to get something good back in life. I was never one for bookeeping or accountancy however it seems the 'ledger' for some people I know is constantly in the red no matter what they do!"

Perhaps these laws of attraction could be ammended to include victim impact statements and perhaps offender mediation? A high court appeal avenue for those erroneously charged with unlovable status would be fair don't you think? Lawyers will make millions from the number of "unlovables" willing to sue those who make the Laws of Attraction.

Get me out of this Unloved place

Lately it seems there is a rush on Unlovable status in my neighborhood. Perhaps in the psycho-social trends there are special offers and cheap plans for the Unloved presently? In my small sphere of the world perhaps the laws of attraction are working perfectly and therfore my blog investigating the 'unloved'. So what about the millions of people that fit the Unloved category? They do seem to continue hugging their unlovablness like its the only love they have available.

Who will love these guys?

So is there a problem with not having close and intimate relations? Not if its not a problem for you, in my view. It's ok to love self and be content with self. However humans do seem to have an instinctive drive towards having loving relations, its the way humans survive. Perhaps the "unloved" are rebelling against a tide too great, that biological-innate pull towards being loved in life.

The Unlovable character in the movie "Little Miss Sunshine"

There are certain outcomes in life for a person adhering to their Unloved status .

Lonely, Sad, distant, victim, angry, lots of space, low phone bills, isolated etc

So what do the Unloved really want?

To Be Loved?

If that is the case, it does seem that the Unloved are going about things the hard way to get what they really need. It might be that the Law of Attraction is indeed incarcerating the Unloved unjustly. The Universe and Laws of Attraction are getting it wrong! Perhaps the Unloved would do well with a better lawyer or even Therapist to help the person broadcast that they are really lovable and they are waiting patiently to be loved again.

So, do you think you are Unlovable?

Victim and Lovable

Kenoath

Five Day Hell High

2007-11-11T11:43:00.000+09:00

Well Benny Cousins is back in town after his five day cocaine binge in America. "So much for rehabilitation" people might say about Ben.

Relapsing is a part of rehabilitation

Five days of cocaine bingeing requires a decent pile of substance. I wonder about the type of experience one goes through in five days of abuse. One does need a big pile to continually go up and up with cocaine.

But what about the down and down part? As any logical thinker will tell you "what goes up must come down". The intensity of the highs and lows fueled by cocaine must eventually end somewhere. I would imagine that all cocaine users have a good understanding of what it must be like when their pile is all gone! It ends somewhere and at sometime, unless you are Scar face living in Bolivia.

Depending on where one is sitting (psychologically), the beginning of a cocaine binge will perhaps be a reference point for ones highs and lows. That is when you go up, the downward swing will ultimately see you seated somewhere about the place you came in. Therefore if one is depressed to start with (whether they know that or not) the downward swings from the high of cocaine will most likely be desparately low. It must feel really bad at that low point, so bad that the only thing that will probably help is more cocaine. So another line and one goes up again enjoying the moment and relief from those desparing bits left off down there somewhere. So if one does have a pile of cocaine they can stay high, seemingly forever although all users must know that cocaine eventualy runs out.

Ben in Fear and Loathing US style

Everyone has normal highs and lows in life and depending on the individual will be above the median or below in the cycles of moods etc.

Undulating highs and Lows

Intensity of highs and lows during cocaine binge perhaps.

After some time with a five day binge I presume the person will succumb to the intensity of the experience and they will have a remarkably altered cognitive state. In that way it is possible that the usual defenses and basic protective systems built into personality will also break down and dissolve into the cocaine experience. Therefore the lows one may experience after adminstering the "highs" of cocaine may become even lower than the levels the person would normally allow themselves to go. Why would someone wish to go so low? That must be scary down there? That must be a desparingly desolate place and then only to reach for another line of "something better"; the cocaine wonderment becomes a fixer of something deep and cracked. Perhaps the person is searching for that early narcissistic wounding in hope to resolve that pain in their life, albeit by chemical highs.

Narcissistic Wound

There is one sure factor involved in all of this binging and that is it will have to end somewhere. The body is not designed to take such drug induced intensity for long periods of time. So there is a great chance that the person on a five day binge laps into hoping that they will never come down and perhaps never come out of the binge alive (down again). "It will probably be better if I die during such an ecstatic high"

"Coming down to the bits left off in town" (I love that beatles song about Mother Superior and a warm gun). From what I understand about cocaine and how it effects the CNS (central nervous system) is that the person is extremely low on self esteem post the binging period.

Skin crawling with fear. Overexposure!

Convalescing from such a bingeing will require building up ones psychic strength again. That is not an easy path for anyone to take let alone someone who is being consistently pounded by the media. I would imagine that if Ben Cousins was to read all the stories in the paper and watch the clips of himself at airports etc in his reduced capacity (self esteem) there is a chance that he will be feeling a great deal of pain in regard to his binge trip. I don't really know, maybe he doesn't?

I would hazzard a calculated guess that Ben in some respects will be a suicide risk at the moment. Football is not any option for Ben now, there is something else emerging as priority one for him! Unless that is, Ben does decide to find a way to kill himself in the next two weeks.

I hope not.

Kenoath

Crimanti Relational

2007-11-02T17:42:00.003+09:00

Well its official the season of the Sopranos is finally over. Unfortunately there is some doubt whether this cult crime drama will continue ever again. I must admit my love of watching this mafia-family soap. There has never been a collection of antisocial or sociopathic characters in just one tv show. (except for the prison show called OZ perhaps)

If you are familiar with the antisocial personality type you will know that the descriptions of Con Man, charming manipulator and rule breaker are but a few statements one can make about this type of person. The anti social type seems to have more regard for himself than he does for others. The anti social personality type will attempt to sell you something or con you and if all else fails rob you of something.

The Soprano's are not just anti social characters, however Tony and the gang have quite sociopathic tendencies. The boys seem to incorporate killing as a normal routine task and when together as a group they seem to turn on each other like a pack of dogs. These soprano characters all have personal relationships and interesting backgrounds but they also form the nucleus of an organised crime gang where death and violence are comonplace.

Tony Soprano is a formiddable mafia boss, a man to fear and a man to love, a father and human being. Perhaps that is what the studio directors are selling us and the character that James Gandolfini portrays.

Tony Soprano aka James Gandolfini

The characters in the series form various relationships with family members, crime figures and even FBI agents with purely one aim. To get something out of each other. The anti social type is motivated to set up relationships for self gain at the expense of the other. They seem to show a willingness to sacrifice relationships for something more important. It's obvious to me that superficial relationships would be the best kind to have in the Soprano's industry.

So what are the Producers and directors of this tv show trying to sell us? The characters in the drama are dangerous criminals and also portrayed as having loving human qualities. Perhaps the "selling" here is about pseudo human relationships?

The atisocial person is out to gain for themselves. Their life position might be "Im OK your highly irelevent" I+ U (?--). (Ref Tony White)

The same types of relationship postions are explored in the show's therapy visits by Tony Soprano. The relationship betwen his therapist involves adversarial transference. Tony seems to be angry and while attempting more vulnerable feelings to connect with his therapist. They always seem to come back to the adversarial level. What does Tony want from therapy one might ask? Over time Tony Soprano "sells" the therapist the psuedo relationship and they do seem to enter into relational subjective spaces.

But it appears that working with anti social and anti relationship types with talk therapy has the potential to increase his pathology. Lorraine Bracco plays the confident psychodynamic therapist who terminates Tony's treatment when she realises Tony has been "selling her" all along. She reads some theory and takes advice from a colleague about the antisocial client using therapy to hone their pathological skills. I interpreted the therapists countertransference to involve hate and anger. Had Tony Soprano achieved his anti relationship payoff by getting his therapist to finaly feel hate?

Hate is strong like the feeling of Love

In the last show she has had enough of Tony ripping pages out of her waiting room magazines before his appointment. Perhaps the aim of the anti relationship person is prove that relationships always seem to end. The type of attachments and family relationships in the Soprano's environments is echoed in Tony's therapy sessions.

Anti Inter-Relational Work

Adversarial Transference

So the anti social personality in my view of the Soprano's, is that they really wish to have deeper connections and relationships with others, however there is a way they stop themselves before achieving that relationship. The person shows their genuineness in order to have heart felt understanding relations in life. After some time it is highly likely that the genuine qualities become the hook to the anti social person. They seem to gain power as they continue the charming and manipulative process. I guess for them its like seeing a bargain and then going for the benefit involved. The power is in the con and the negative outcome (sacrifice) is the anti relationship. For the Anti Social person, life is unfair, "you cannot trust anyone" therefore "its ok to take advantage of others" to get what you need.

Tony selling the therapist

Anti Relationship work is about stepping into the con and being involved in the Anti Relational game while having a clear idea about ones own boundaries. The end of the relationship is always looming and the person will sadly or happily, probably get what they want from you.

kenoath