The walking dead

Value.

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 08:03:00 +0000

The word has been circling about in my mind ever since I asked God to speak to me about areas that I have wrestled with over the years (and have found grace) that women need encouragement in.

"Value," He said.

You know the drill, I've told you this a thousand times: "I hated my 25th year of life." What I never told you was why, because naturally, you assumed it was too painful to delve into. But it's time to spill the beans...

By some commissioning of some demonic force somewhere in the netherworlds, for the first time in my adult life, I begun to doubt that I was valuable. My mind was filled with lies that would not stop reproducing. What in the world was happening here? Up until that point, I was a notably confident individual-not proud-but confident. A trait I firmly believed came from the security I had in my mother's love for me. I knew I was loved fiercely, and because of that, I confronted life boldly and didn't think twice about being incapable, invaluable or unworthy.
So why this and why now?
The entire year was riddled with comparisons, self-criticism, a new record of perfectionism for an already self-professed perfectionist. At times I honestly felt like I was going clinically insane. My thoughts seemed to run my world and I was completely incapable of gaining control. In the midst of this madness, I spoke out loud God's word believing that this Sword I held in my hand would help me. There are times I would make sure to speak the truths out loud whenever I was in private. But it all seemed to be for naught. For some reason, though, I kept going back to His Word and fighting to believe what God was saying was true of me. I had never felt so alone in a struggle. I was fighting a battle with no seeming end, and I was tired...so tired of myself and my failure to believe something so seemingly elementary.

Depressed yet? Hang in there...

Over time, my prayers became more determined and my thoughts grew less battle-like. It's difficult to pinpoint the moment or moments peace begun to settle back into my mind, but slowly and surely it did. 25 ended and 26 arrived. I am hopeful, as a rule of thumb, in new years and new ages, so I held hope that change for me was on its way. I am 27 years old now, and I am more confident in who I am now than I was before this inexplicable year of madness. But I don't want to end the story here. I want to share what God taught me because in the midst of my struggle, I asked that some day, when the storm had passed, He would put the struggle to good use; He would use it for His glory in another's life.

So I share with you the nuggets of truth I shed so many tears to believe and spent so much time creating space for in my mind. I share with you how God walked with me even when I couldn't see my hand in front of my face.

Nugget #1. The Word of God is a Sword. Use it even when you feel like it's not doing anything to help you. Speak the truth about your value from God's Word even when you feel the exact opposite of what He is saying to be true. Say it until one day you wake up and realize you not only believe it, you are sharing that truth with others. Be persistent and endure! Endurance is key in the Kingdom.

Nugget #2. Refuse to build your identity and find your value in anything fleeting. This is easy to do, which makes us wise to be watchful for it. You're wealthy? You've got a good job? You are pretty? You are intelligent?
Thank God for what you have, but pray that your possessions never possess you. Build your life on the Solid Rock, not sinking sand.

Nugget #3. Do not fight this battle alone. I made this mistake partly due to the shame I felt for even struggling with this. It's not worth it; trust me. Look foolish before trusted friends, if you have to. Jesus died on a cross to pay for your freedom (Gal. 5:1), don't sacrifice that freedom to save face.
Find sisters who know God and His Word, who can bring you back to Him when you forget who you are. Confess and repent as many times as it takes.

Nugget #4. Surround yourself with people who know who they are in Jesus. You become like the people you surround yourself with. As the French say, "Show me who your friends are, and I will show you who you are." Pick your inner circle carefully.

Nugget #5. Guard your eyes. Whatever you feed in life, grows. What goes in through your eyes, finds a home in your soul, so don't fool yourself by consuming for entertainment value what devalues human life and worth.

Nugget #6.. Understanding your value is key in your battle to overcome sin.
There are sins in my life I never overcame until I believed that Jesus had indeed paid the price in full and He had made me new. Only then could I come out of hiding. Until we see ourselves through God's lens, we will not fight to win, because winning won't even be in our vocabulary.

Wherever you find yourself in this battle, from one sister to another, in Jesus there is victory. His death and resurrection gives us the power to stand firm where we once fell flat on our faces. It is only by His grace that we, broken people, declare with confidence that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." He doesn't lie, so we believe this to be true.

Start from scratch!

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 07:46:00 +0000

There are particular moments in our lives where it feels like God simply wipes the slate clean. And those times can be exciting, taxing and tremendously painful, if we are honest with ourselves.

The truth is that God's announcement of "making things new" involves growing pains and life adjustments. When God steps onto the scene, nothing remains the same.

It's been 5 months since I returned from Haiti. 5 months of God wiping the slate of my life clean. And all of this incoming newness begun with God's command to me to "surrender." No specifics on what I ought to surrender, because if you know me, you know He meant every part of me. And you'll know it was the most painful thing I've ever said "Yes, Lord" to.
It was so frightening to say those words, that unbeknownst to my team, I cried as I fell asleep...because I didn't know what tomorrow would hold. I was a slave of control and it treated me unjustly.

Though I am confident that God is completely in control of the ambiguity in my life and will do wonderful things with what looks like raw materials to me, I am also empty. For the first time in my life, I can't think past the day ahead of me.
I don't have the dreams I used to have, I don't have the list I used to keep, and I don't have the assurance of a career like I'd planned.

All i have is the steps I've taken as God has spoken. And yes, obedience is rewarded, but it is frightening none the less. Perhaps one day I won't feel like I wake up on the edge of a cliff being asked to jump and trust the God who promises to catch me and place my feet on solid ground. Perhaps one day I'll understand what it feels like to have a 5 year plan. I have a 24 hour plan; 8 hours of which I'm subconscious. Yay, adulthood!

I'm learning as I go that everything I held on to before entrapped the soul Jesus paid a heavy price to free (Gal. 5:1). I am understanding little by little what God meant when He told me almost 7 months ago now that He wanted to teach me what it meant to be a daughter. I feel as though I am living with a stranger, and that stranger is me.
I know that God is good and faithful, and I know that He will show me the way. I don't actually know anything else...and I'm not kidding.

My hope as I go through this season of rebooting is that somehow the person God is making me into reflects more of Jesus to the world around me, and that somehow He would teach me how to share His message with the world.

Hurry up and wait.

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 02:52:00 +0000

Boredom was illegal in the Mathai household! My mother wouldn’t have any of it.

The last time I exasperatingly said “Mom, I’m bored,” was when I was 10 years old after she’d taken me swimming at the Pan Afrique hotel in Nairobi.

What always followed my confession was a laundry list of things I could do. I learned after a long time of trial and error that if I dared utter out loud that I needed something to occupy my time, mom would help occupy the rest of my childhood.

No thanks, mom. I’ll just find something inane to do until the boredom passes. Anything, really, but all of the activities she'd somehow thought up in the space of 2 minutes. How did she do that???

When I think about times in my life when I’ve felt directionless or as though God had me in a time of waiting and hence, felt bored spiritually, I have thought of mom’s take on boredom.

“There’s always something you can do. You can’t possibly be bored.”

I am in that place now where waiting is the name of the game. And though I am frustrated that I don’t have clarity on where to get involved with this whole house church/missional communities gig, I’m learning that this interesting place I find myself in isn’t accidental. God has purpose for me in the midst of this.

Waiting has forced me to hanker down and ask God for direction while stepping out and seeing what areas might be a good fit. The gift in this time is that I can’t think of a time when I’ve felt freer to dream. Time to dream about the things I have wanted to invest my time in: the elderly, young children, college-age students, the needy.

Waiting isn’t the same thing as passivity. I think “waiting on God” gets a bad rap sometimes as we mistakenly equate it with sitting around and believing things will just happen as they ought to without any involvement—be it through prayer, seeking counsel or just trying things out.

Sometimes God intentionally makes us wait so we have sufficient time to evaluate the road ahead. As one who is prone to dive into pre-established groups/activities, I am finding that waiting on God right now is giving me time to hear my own thoughts and let my ideas rise to the surface--something I too often squelch with the mallet of "realism".

While I don’t claim to fully grasp this whole “waiting on God” thing, I know that I can wait well by being actively engaged in the world around me and by remaining faithful to what He has put before me to do.

Tomorrow marks the first day of a dream I didn’t dare step into until I landed solidly in this place of waiting. I hope to have photos up the next time I write.

For now, I would like to leave you with a verse that encourages me as I actively wait on this God who is so faithful in the minutia of our lives. I hope you are encouraged because it really is good to wait on the Lord!

“ Yet those who wait on the Lord will gain new strength. They will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." –Isaiah 40:31

Blessed to be a blessing.

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 23:28:00 +0000

I was 18 years old, had recently graduated from high school and was sitting in the living room with my mom who'd recently relocated to the States from a year spent in Nigeria vaccinating kids against Polio.
I opened the mail to find a crisp $20 bill from the Kenyan-American organization. I was 18 and the economy was good, which meant that $20 was a big deal to me.

I made the mistake of asking my mom what I should do with the money. I say "mistake" because my mother is literally the most generous person I've ever met, so I should have known she'd tell me anything but to keep the money. I was hoping she'd tell me what new shiny gadget I ought to buy, but clearly I was on crack, because that's never been her M.O.
"Why don't you give it to the people in Kenya (i think she mentioned a relative or somehing) who can use it to buy food or clothes?"my mom piped in.

I wish I could tell you that my response was a hearty "yes", but...it wasn't. In fact, I was so angry that my mom would suggest that I give away my money that I went into my room to think about it. I felt guilty for not wanting to give it away, but I wanted to keep that money for something new. After 20 minutes of wrestling with my conscience, I walked out to the living room and handed her the money to give it away to whoever needed it.

That day, though seemingly irrelevant, taught me a few lessons that God would cement down the road.

Genesis 12:1-2 says, " ¹ Now ^(A)the LORD said to Abram,
“Go forth from your country,
And from your relatives
And from your father’s house,
To the land which I will show you;
² And I will make you a great nation,
And I will bless you,
And make your name great;
And so you shall be a blessing

God chose a pagan and chose to bless him. Completely undeserved favor. Grace.
Secondly, God blessed him with a purpose in mind--so that out of Abram's life, others would be blessed. He was to be a conduit. He wasn't to amass blessings and just make life comfortable for himself.

Three years after the incident with the $20 bill, I was in college and felt compelled to sponsor a young boy from Eastern Kenya through World Vision. Just like when I was 18, I really struggled with the decision. I was shocked at the level of my selfishness. Only by God's grace did I commit to helping his community. It's been 7 years since that day in my dorm room at Western Washington University, and the lessons God has taught me about giving your life away have been immense.

My point isn't that God's blessings are simply material. Sometimes God blesses you with time, with a talent, perhaps with wisdom gained from your past. Whatever it is God has blessed you and me with, He expects us to be conduits of His love and grace to others.
As a single woman, I am blessed with time coming out of my ears. Yes, I have work, school and other commitments, but I am keenly aware that I will never have as much time in any other stage of life like I do now.
I have time to make dinner for friends and catch up with them. I have time to hang out with my friends' newborns and hold them for awhile to give the parents a break. I have time to serve my roommate. I have time to mentor.
The worst thing I could possibly do with this time is waste it.

I hope that when it's all said and done, we can all look back at our lives and see how other people's lives are better because we used God's blessings in ours to spill over into theirs.

22.

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 06:06:00 +0000

Every year as my birthday approaches, I do something silly. I ask those in my life who are older to give me one piece of advice for the upcoming year. I figure that life is too short not to gain wisdom from those who've gone before you. So each year I carry around a piece of paper in which I jot down wisdom for the year ahead...and yes, I do something with what I'm told.

This year I want to take the time to look back at when I was 22. I graduated from college, I moved from Bellingham, WA to Portland, OR "just because" and I embarked on the journey of living in the "real world." Knowing what I know now, what would I say to my 22-year old self?

Glad you asked. This is what I'd say.

Dear Cynthia,

Cynthia from the future here! Change your hair do.
You'll learn in time that rockin' a fro is only cool when you rock it intentionally and comb it, not because you'd rather not care about appearances.
You will be disappointed greatly. Not to be a buzz kill, but the dreams you have will NOT come true, and trust me you don't actually want them to. You want His dreams! Your idealism is beautiful and your drive to rock some portion of the world is great. In fact, it is how God made you. Fearfully. Wonderfully (Ps. 139).
But here's the thing. You chose to intentionally follow Jesus 5 years ago, so be prepared to follow into places you don't understand. Be prepared to wonder. Be prepared to pray hard about what to do when you grow up---because apparently you haven't figured that out yet and college only confused you more. Be prepared to be single for longer than you planned on and even in that, see God's infinite wisdom.

I want you to know that you will meet incredible people who shape your character in ways you couldn't have imagined. They will teach you that to serve is the most beautiful manner to live your life. They will teach you to be less harsh and more gracious.
You will want to quit your first job almost every other day. Don't! Persevere; because out of the burden you feel will be borne friendships that are worth their weight in corporate bureaucracy.

You can't see this now, but you'll visit the most beautiful place on the planet (Switzerland) because your first plan (Ecuador) did not pan out. Through this you will learn that sometimes plan B should have been plan A.
You will see your family in England again...and fall right back into the rhythm of life with them because though they are miles away, your family is your family. Their love knows no distance.
You will want to do something more than just give money to needy people in Haiti. A year later, you will apply for a trip to Haiti on a whim. You will go to Haiti, meet the best people in the world, and your life will change drastically.
You will start Seminary and discover as you take class after amazing class, that after all the searching, the pounding on doors, the disappointment and heartache to find your role, that this is God's evident grace in your life. To know God's Word and fall in love with Him, to learn how to serve others better by utilizing the gifts God has uniquely given you will fill up your life. You will finally feel like you've found your niche.

You will grow and change. You'll learn about a guy named Pitbull and rock out to his songs with Lindsey. You will play DDR on your 25th birthday because the kid inside of you will NEVER actually grow up. You will date a man who breaks your heart with his dishonesty and inconsiderate behavior, but your depth in prayer will reach a whole new level. God will redeem you. He will do something beautiful through your heartache. I want you to know that this will result in a bond with a beautiful friend you'll meet down the road and the nickname of the ages. Yes, God is into post-heartache nicknames.

Through every turn and bend in the road, this is what I want you to know little padewan...

There is nothing that will cause you to break down in tears....
Nothing that will astound you as much....
Nobody who will inspire you....

Like Jesus and His love for you! He is the ONLY solid ground upon which you ought to build your life. Everything else shifts, breaks, shakes, changes and/or disappears, but not Him. Not His love.

So I want you to take this moment. Here. Now. And I want you to soak this in.
This God who promises you the world WILL deliver. This Heavenly Father you don't know how to relate to, loves you with a love that changed the world.
There is nobody that is worth the seat of honor in your life but Him.

Dig deep into Him. Pursue Him like He's going out of style. Surrender to Him. Speak honestly to Him in prayer.
AND
Ask Him how His life in you can bring life to those around you.

This life you live is grace. Walk it with your head held high because you, fatherless girl, are a daughter of the Most High God.

Selah.

Afraid.

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 05:02:00 +0000

I read this article today that felt a little like reading bits and pieces of my journal. If you struggle with fear or find yourself even drowning in it, this is a great article that tackles fear at the root.
http://goodwomenproject.com/

When God spoke to me in Haiti about the need to "simplify my life", I thought He meant it in a financial sense. After months of praying through it and reading the Word, I'm discovering that He meant that I ought to simplify my life by what I devote my time to.
To simplify my time meant I had to really ask tough questions about what I did with my daily allocation of 24 hours.
That meant cutting out some things; pulling back in certain areas; creating more room to just "be" instead of always doing and deepening my relationships.

And it is in the simplifying of my schedule that the space was created for God to really show me a few things He desired to do in and through me.

Fear, it turns out, is one of the things He wants to free me from.

I am finding that I am more often ruled by fear than I am by faith.
Fear of not doing enough.
Fear of being terminally ill.
Fear of failing God when it really counts.
Fear, fear, fear.

God is calling me to live by faith, because the righteous live by faith (Hab. 2:4). I am praying, and I hope that you will pray alongside me in this, that God's perfect love would cast out all my fear, because I have not received a spirit that makes me a slave again to fear, but the Spirit through which I cry out, "Abba! Father!"

I hope that anyone who struggles with fear would know that even in this, Jesus is risen from the dead to bring new life.

We don't have to be slaves to fear, because it is for freedom that Christ has set us free (Gal. 5:1).

Here's to being more free to walk by faith every day of 2012.

The God of the gaps.

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 18:08:00 +0000

Resignation is easier, much easier than hope.

Mike Erre gave a sermon on the subject, "Alive and thirsty" years ago that has stuck with me and has spoken to me during seasons where the gaps have seemed burdensome; gaps between what I thought life would be like and what it actually looks like.
I'd venture to say that at any one point in your life this side of heaven, you have that gap somewhere in your life.

The past few months have been about learning to acknowledge the gaps in my life. The mere acknowledgment of gaps has taught me anew what it really means for me to rely on Jesus. Times with Jesus have been soul-baring as the pretenses and escapisms have been exposed by the Holy Spirit.
Though God is really cementing the importance and beauty of contentment in my singleness, there are times, and they are plentiful, that my heart just doesn't want to choose contentment anymore. Can I learn that lesson later?

There aren't enough Nicholas Sparks novels to escape wanting a marriage and family. And every Nicholas Sparks book and every chic flick ends and my station in life is unchanged. And sure, I could pretend that I want my singleness to extend till the rapture, but that wouldn't be honest. And that solution isn't lasting. So what do I do when I am thankful for my place now and see God's amazing grace presently, but can't squelch the desire to be wife to a man and mother to children?
Surely God has thought up an answer to this present conundrum!
I recognize that drowning my mind into a carefully crafted Hollywood production may satiate my hopeless romantic side, but not for long. Eventually, I have to tune back into my own life.
So instead of cursing the fact that I really am hopeless romantic to my core, or satiating the thirst in my life with great love stories or million-dollar Hollywood productions, I come to the throne of grace to receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need (Heb. 4:15-16).
It means that I stop escaping and/or stop pretending and start talking...to God. It means I pray during these moments. I acknowledge that the desires I have are of Him and He does indeed make everything beautiful in its time. I then ask for grace to live reliant on Him and to please Him while i stand in the gap. I ask Him how to serve in this stage of life.

I realize as I get older that unless Jesus helps me, this whole operation that I call my life is in danger of going up in flames. That instead of contentment, bitterness will brew. In place of waiting with great expectation for God's timing, I will squander opportunities to run the race of faith with endurance, that in place of the servant heart He desires to mold in me, will be an entitled heart.
If I let Him, God will do with my confusion, my "lack", my hopes and expectations, something more beautiful to behold than what I brought Him initially. If I let Him, He will use even this gap to make me more like His son, Jesus. And that is worth this time of standing in the gap.

Pursued.

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 21:12:00 +0000

Throughout my life I have come to know better than the back of my own hand, that nobody does pursuit quite like Jesus. Maybe I view Jesus in this fashion because I'm a woman, I don't know.

Jesus...the Greatest Pursuer.

When I decided to own my faith as a 17 year old, instead of riding on the coattails of my family's faith, I didn't pray the quintessential "sinner's prayer." I think my prayer sounded more like a prayer of concession.
I knew who it is that had been after my heart all those years and I knew that he would never leave me alone. The Divine Stalker, if you will. Only less creepy and all love. Legit love. Poor analogy?

The story of my life is the story of pursuit: God's lifelong, hardcore, unashamed and unrelenting pursuit of me. The pursuit that came through words of affirmation spoken during the dark night of my soul, the people who walked into my life at exactly the right time, the Scriptures that would come alive and come to mind at my precise hour of need; usually during times when I felt uncertain of the course ahead.

One of my favorite passages of Scripture is Jeremiah 31:3

I have loved you with an everlasting love and drawn you to myself with loving kindness.

I love the word "drawn" because it reflects the nature of how God relates.

He doesn't bully.

He doesn't coerce.

He doesn't manipulate or try to sell Himself like the newest iWhatever.

He draws.

This is how God loves each one of us. This is how God pursues each one of us. This is the Love that saves the world
In Jesus and through Jesus I have learned what it means to find rest in Love.

Today as I sit back pondering the great unknowns of this new year, I find joy that I am the pursued and that the pursuit continues even though I have also been "caught", so to speak.

In 2011...

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 19:34:00 +0000

beautiful Haitian children.

I love New Year's. I even make New year's resolutions that I actually write down and intend to keep. I am that girl!

A New year offers a perfect time to reflect and to project A time to look back and learn, mourn, be grateful. And time to hope and dream for the future.

In 2011...

1. I cried like an itty bitty baby...

My times with the Lord consisted so often of tears, tears and more tears. I cried because of the weight of a particular weakness in my life at the time, a gnawing sense of despair, the unwise decision of friends and sometimes...I just cried because Jesus spoke so clearly, my heart could not contain the gravity of God Himself speaking to me. The voice of a Father to a child at the perfect moment.

I am a weeper; always have been. This year, I inducted myself into the weepers hall of fame.

2. I learned just how little I know...

It's particularly embarrassing that whenever I would reach for a conclusion, almost make a decision God would bring my genius to a screeching halt by declaring, "lean not on your own understanding." Of course, that meant I had to seek the opinion of the Master. I had to call on my Father for wisdom. And more often than not, whatever I thought I knew or understood was only half the story. God filled me in on the other half. Humbling. Truly humbling.

3. I learned, really learned, that unless I die, I shall not live (and thus, changed the theme verse of my blog).

I still remember this as though it was yesterday. We were sitting on the rooftop of the hospital my team and I would call home for the next 7 days. Grace village, Carrefour, Haiti. We all had our headlamps on, preparing for a time of worship. Right before Lilia begun strumming on her guitar, I heard the Lord say to me, "This is not about you. I am writing a much bigger story in the world and through your life." Little did I know that this theme of dying to self and surrender would be God's most poignant message to me while I was in Haiti.

4. I stopped lying to myself about "quitting" running...

AS IF! You know you've got a thing for a sport/hobby when you see people doing it and envy them. I would seriously drool as I saw men and women running on the trail by my home. I knew then that it was time to get back in the game. And I did...and I am...Eugene half marathon 2012, baby!

5. I visited my family in England and met incredible people in Haiti...

The trip to England was a great time to recuperate after a chaotic few months at work. I have an incredible and incredibly internationally family, so I was grateful for the chance to see them once more. They are lovely. My trip to Haiti was life-changing! I can't speak, write, express enough of just how much God did for everyone on my team. Needless to say, whenever you step out to serve, God meets you and your cup runs over.

6. I figured out (rather, God directed me in this) what to do with the rest of my life...

Ministry to women. There. All those years of grandiose plans to rock the world in some elaborate fashion came down to this: I want to shepherd women as they grow up in Jesus. That's all.

7. I broke a man's heart...

Nothing is worse than ending a relationship. Actually, scratch that-it's worse when you respect the man to pieces. While I know it was the right decision, it didn't make it any easier. I still respect the man (perhaps more now than I did before), and I am grateful for a God who gives us strength to do the necessary even when it's difficult.

8. I threw away "the list"...

You know, that list so many of us women have of what to look for in a potential spouse. Yeah, that one. Chucked it! While I don't advice that everyone do this, I needed to. God spoke very clearly to me about my reliance more on a list than on Him. And my list is not infallible, anyhow, so there it went. And in its place is a greater appreciation for living, breathing, flawed people and faith in a God who loves me and knows what's best even better than I do.

9. I discovered an all new passion for the NBA...no explanation necessary!

10. Some call it hypochondria, I call it lack of faith...

While I am not the worse hypochondriac I know, I feature among the top 25-at least. As an athlete, I am very aware of what my body is doing at all times. I have studied it and have identified my "normal." So whenever I get a headache (which I don't ever get), I don't reach for Advil, I assess why I would have a headache...and typically, I hope to God that it's not the sign of an aneurysm.
This year, I learned that what I have isn't a bad case of hypochondria. It's a bad case of unbelief. My biggest fear is having a terminal illness. Not necessarily even dying from one, just living with one. I can't stomach it. I wonder if I'd be able to praise God in my anguish. I fear the chronic pain. But I am praying that God would teach me that He is the same yesterday, today and forever-faithful, good, gracious. I am praying that I would remember that Jesus asks me not to worry about tomorrow. Jesus promises that I will have trouble in this world (John 16:33), but to be of good cheer, for he has overcome the world. And finally, I am wasting moments by worrying about moments to come. Lord, help me in the areas of my unbelief. Teach me that you are faithful through it all.

Thank you God for saying No!

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 07:30:00 +0000

I was in Standard 4 at Shepherds Junior Primary School in suburban Nairobi, Kenya. Prone to talking to my classmates at the most inopportune moments and eating in class though it was against the rules, I wasn't really paying attention to what my teacher was saying...until she said, "When you pray, God has three responses. Yes, no or wait!"
I was 10 years old at the time. I'm 26 years old now. That sentence is the only thing I remember about standard 4 because right after she said that, I was distracted by my thoughts of what that declaration meant, practically.
Yes, even then, theology had to be brought to life.

Tonight I sat in a booth laughing my face off with Jana when Matt begun to speak of how grateful he is that he didn't get married right after college. Thankful for the years of clarity, insight, "knowing thyself" that post-college has offered him. Thankful for the opportunity to step out of the bubble of college into the real world.
To face reality a little. Struggle a little. Ponder A LOT. To grow.
I agree with Matt heartily on this subject. While I can't speak of what would have happened if marriage would have happened years ago, it did bring up in my mind what I heard in standard 4 and how many times I almost begged God not to let another year go by without a man to call my husband.

Yes.
No.
Wait.

And as we kept talking over cajun tots, a West African rice bowl and gluten-free salad dressings, I begun to thank God for saying so many "no's" to my prayers over the years.

I can't imagine what life would be like had God said "yes" to so many of the prayers I've prayed. The prayers have ranged from the painfully mundane and childish to the radical utterances of a zealot. And though I can't speak for what God will say "no" to in my prayer life now, I can look back and thank Him for saying no as often as He did. I can look back and thank Him for the lack of peace I had about living in Kenya right after college, the closed doors to serving abroad, the rejections from people, not quite finding something "the right fit."

Had God answered my prayers in college, I would not live in Portland, I would not attend Western Seminary. I would not be a part of the great community I dearly love-Solid Rock. I would not live with Kelli, mentor Jackie, have gone to Haiti, have worked with the best people in the world, and I would not have discovered that there's nothing I'd want to do with my life more than minister to women.

None of what I KNOW is God's goodness and grace in my life would have happened had God said "yes" to my prayers. None of what has been absolutely necessary to His pruning of me would have happened, and goodness, I would have missed out on so much!

God's lesson for me in 2011 has been out of Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in ME (the Lord) with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge ME (the Lord) and I will make your paths straight."

I am a long way from home and from full Christlike perfection, but I know with more certainty today than I did on January 1st this year, that I can be grateful for the "No's" of God as much as His "Yes." I know that my understanding is limited and even the little I have is flawed. So I surrender, sometimes painfully, to the God who displays His love just as much in denying a request as He does in granting it.

Thank you God today for the no that made this reunion with Matt and time with Jana possible over tots and bomb salads in Portland, Oregon.

"Next year in Jerusalem"

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 05:46:00 +0000

Sunset over the Sea of Galilee looking towards Mt. Arbel. photo cred-Dr. Carl Laney

That's how Dr. Laney signs off his emails these days, and I LOVE IT!

In case you're just tuning in, on May 13th, 2012 30 students (myself included) from Western Seminary will be heading to Israel for a 3-week class on the Geographical and Historical Setting of the Bible. I must add "God wiling" to this hope as I would be more excited if Jesus returned instead.

The class will be through the Jerusalem University College. Which, as a side note, is on frickin' Mount Zion!

To say that I'm excited would be a lie.

I'm not excited.

I'm not even looking forward to it.

I am grinning ear-to-ear, jumping up and down, screaming at the top of my lungs frickin' ECSTATIC!

When I first started talking to Dr. Laney about my interest in the trip, he sent me an exorbitant amount of information--i could tell the guy loved taking students to Israel. But, along with the information and a few pictures, he also included a snippet of a love story. You see, a student from Western met a girl on the trip (from the South) whom he started dating and recently married. Now, if that's not a great response to "how did you meet?" I don't know what is.

That's actually why I'm going. I might have better luck in Israel. I kid.

In all seriousness, as Christmas looms only hours away, it is crazy to think that I will be walking, sleeping, eating, swimming, breaking bread and studying in the land my Messiah did all of the same things. I am sentimental by nature, so I foresee a lot of pointing and staring. I foresee a lot of silence as I stand in awe that God Himself (Creator and Sustainer of all life) chose to incarnate Himself among us. That's just other-worldly!

In only one week, "next year in Jerusalem" will be no more. And "countdown to Jerusalem will begin."

Merry Christmas, friends. Because of Him, we live!

Single-minded in the single years

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 07:46:00 +0000

On my cheap-o mirror in my room is written a simple prayer, "God, help me to be a woman of singular focus!"
I wrote this prayer one night after reading the gospels and noticing just how much Jesus modeled this focus.
What would my life look like if i lived as single-mindedly as Jesus did ALL his life?

And it's like, "Whoa! Chew on that for a minute!"

This life that I live as a single 26-year old woman wasn't plan B, or C for that matter. The idea of being unmarried and without children at my age was so unfathomable to me growing up, it sometimes feels like I'm living in a world I couldn't have invented. I used to think, "God forbid I am still single at 23!" Yeah, 3 years ago!

Someone once said that life isn't a dress rehearsal. Hm. How often I treat my life as a single woman as one. I treat it like practice. As though whatever I do now is only useful as it pertains to what will happen when I'm married. It's like the busy work that takes up time before the real work begins. I want to be in ministry with my husband, so maybe I'll really be ministering to people then. Yeah, I've thought that before. Like yesterday.
But what happens when a year goes by, two, three...and I am still single? What happens if God forbid, I spend my entire life as a single woman? The atrocity!
Was everything I did only kinda awesome?

While I was in Haiti, I kept reading 2 Peter 1:5-8, so I decided to memorize it. The whole book's rad, so you should read it, but this set of verses just wouldn't leave me alone.
As I read the last words of The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom, two words from 2 Peter jumped out at me: effective and productive. And I just told God that if I am to be single my entire life, I'd hope to be as effective and as productive as Corrie. That is a life I'd be happy to have even if what I desire most does not happen.

I won't do the simplistic thing and try to explain what I think God's purpose is for me being single. Truth is, I don't know. And it's not like explanations are what I am actually hoping for anyway. But I will say this, I know that God is sovereign and works out all things for the good of those who love Him. I know that He has created me with purpose. I know that He has work for me to do. I know that He loves me. I know that I am to live by faith and not by sight. I know that God is my inheritance. I know that marriage is good and thought up in the mind of God. And I know that my very desire for it is an act of God.

While I don't sit at home expecting Mr. Right to come knocking on my door with Bible in hand and Justin Timberlake moves to boot, I am also very keenly aware that it is honorable to living intentionally no matter what my station in life.

If Paul can rejoice in a prison cell, surely I too can rejoice in what I don't comprehend.

Coming to America...the 11 year anniversary!

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 20:32:00 +0000

normal is so last year.

On this day in the year 2000, the British Airways 737 flight ferrying my mom and I from Harare, Zimbabwe via London, England touched down at the SeaTac Airport tarmac...and thus begun my American life!
I joke about this often, but it is true: my greatest concern was deplaning and getting shot. America might have been the land of opportunity, but it was also (in my mind), the land of violent, senseless crime.

So I prayed for protection. And protected we were, for there were no shots fired at us...or anyone else for that matter.
These 11 years have been filled with growing pains, culture shock, sorrow, struggle, joys, and intense lessons. It's been quite a journey!
The first 6 months living in the States can best be described as a fog; a stifling fog of confusion and I have never felt more naked in my life as everything I had attached my identity to was stripped bare.

I tear up whenever I think of this season because I remember the weighty loneliness! Oh, the loneliness! But also because I remember more vividly then than ever, sensing strongly and knowing intimately the friendship of Jesus.

What a friend I found in Jesus!

I found myself limping African in an American world as I wondered why everything was so different (the individualistic bent of the culture, the food, the accent, the education system, and the priorities).
The processing I did was simple: I cried myself to sleep. Every night. For 6 months.

And God did an incredible thing in a unique way for those 6 months--without fail.

He spoke to me and said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you. I have a plan for your life!"

Every morning this is what would give me hope to keep pressing on..."Perhaps today is when I find out what that plan is."
I look back now and see so clearly how deep my desperation was, and I recognize how God held me close.

God did not forget me. God did not draw back. God REMEMBERED ME.

This God who saw my deepest needs when I couldn't even properly communicate them with anyone around me, met my needs in the most profound ways. He brought incredible believers as friends in the strangest ways (sitting accidentally at my (now) best friend's lunch spot, living across the street from the Church I would then begin attending, ending up at a College with the largest Chi Alpha organization in the nation). His goodness astounds!

two of the greatest-Jilly and Betie

I am thankful for the character formation delivered on a truck bed of tears and pain: weeping over my traveling mother, my absent father, my confusion at how to form relationships, the gnawing feeling of never being "at home." Feeling so foreign! You know, it's true what they say, pain can be the best teacher if you let it (James 1).

Jesus was the friend that was closer than a brother!

This is the God who spoke this truth, and has continued to deliver it:
"I have come that they may have life; and have it more abundantly."-John 10:10

Here's to not getting shot 11 years ago on the SeaTac tarmac, having my world collapse around me only to have God usher me into an even better Kingdom...His.

The attitude...is gratitude!

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 06:46:00 +0000

"Have an attitude of gratitude!" Pastor Dave McBroom used to say.

I am a forgetful vessel-leaky and broken, losing memory of God's goodness a little too quickly. I am constantly looking for a thrill. My mind moving at 100MPH; always to the next thing, the next adventure, the next epic truth to be unveiled.

But tonight as I sat with pandora whisking me into the presence of Jesus, Word open-hungering for some truth to meditate on and not being struck by anything in particular, I decided to open my prayer journal.

And I turned to the subject of gratitude. Hmm...perfect. Let's go back, Cynthia, to that "attitude of gratitude."

So I want to take the time and this space to say thank you specifically for how God has blessed me.

1. Life

2. Hope

3. Abundant food and water

4. Warmth

5. Shelter

6. Love--so much love

7. Family on the American continent

8. That I no longer cry myself to sleep as I wrestle with culture shock and belonging

9. Deep, authentic friendships

10. A car that runs well and is paid for (thanks, mom)

11. An upbringing in the faith

12. A Bible of my own, multiple, even

13. A calling

14. A home in Jesus

15. A smart phone

16. So many clothes that I'm confused about what to wear each day

17. A high school education, college education, opportunity to be pursuing a Master's degree

18. A healthy body and healthy mind

19. Literacy

20. A job

21. Western Seminary

22. The Church I had prayed for after graduating from college

23. That I am known

24. Having experienced Haiti, and still being changed by the experience.

25. Books

26. The smart people who write these books

27. That I go to sleep in safety ALWAYS

28. Homework that is intended to cement my understanding of Scripture

29. Youth

30. My Macbook Pro

This list could continue for pages and pages, and then some. Ever since I came back from Haiti, I have been acutely aware of just how many opportunities I have to say nothing to God but "thank you." He has outdone Himself in my life.

Love

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 08:16:00 +0000

"This is love: NOT that we loved God, but that GOD loved us and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." -1 John 4:10

I am floored by this verse. Nothing noteworthy I ever do will ever compare to the fact that what is AWEsome isn't my works or even my love, but rather's GOD's!
My love for Him isn't on the pedestal, His love for me ALWAYS will be.

I know a lot of godly people whose love for Jesus renders me speechless. Those people who I think have a secret connection with God that none of us know about. They love Jesus so well, it seems, that I might want to lower the bar to following them before I raise it to following the Master.
But even in all their love for Messiah, God's love for them still leaves their love in the dust!

I know you have heard this often. It may have become cliche to you. But hear this once more.

God

LOVES-sacrificially, generously, faithfully, patiently, gently, outlandishly, considerately, constantly, unconditionally, eternally, passionately

You!

Shhhh...keep it quiet in there!

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 06:34:00 +0000

1 Peter 3:3-4 talks about what godly beauty looks like. Fancy words like outward adornment and braided hair, unfading beauty pack a powerful punch in a set of verses that speak loudly, clearly and uniquely on what GOD considers beautiful in women.

These verses used to confuse me and then they straight-up offended me! I had too many strikes against me, and this wasn't looking pretty. Let's count the ways i was missing the mark:

-I had outward adornment

-I had braided hair often

-I wore gold jewelry

-I wouldn't use gentle as a self-descriptor

-I wasn't and I am not quiet!

Even though I despised reading about qualities I did not believe I possessed, I was drawn to these verses like a moth to light. I couldn't let go of the fact that in just two verses, God had told women what He believed was beautiful. And as a woman, being beautiful is critical to how I perceive myself and my role in the world.

Over the years of wrestling with Peter and his fancy words, I've had my theology set a little straight. I'm not "there" on this yet, but the theology is less crooked than it was before.

I have learned that God cares about beauty. He made things beautiful ON PURPOSE. He created us to appreciate and be drawn to beauty. His idea on what is beautiful may differ, just a smidgen, from our ideas of beauty. Juuuuust a little bit.

I learned that to possess a quiet and gentle spirit has nothing to do with the MPH of my mouth or the gregariousness of my personality! It has everything to do with faith.

A heart that trusts God and has cast its faith in God is quiet. It is not fretting. A quiet and gentle spirit is so because that woman knows in whom she has believed, and He is faithful! So her heart submits to His Lordship. The waters are stilled within and there is an air of peace that is intangible yet powerful about her.

Because she knows God is who He says He is, what proceeds from her demeanor--whether she's the loudest one in the room or the wallflower, is a beauty that is inexplicably attractive! And this beauty, this spirit, has influence in a room, in a home, in a group, in a workplace, in a society that is more powerful than any ten words spoken forcefully through a megaphone.

I dare not claim to understand the intricacies of beauty because this is controversial ground in our day and age. I have discovered, though, while reading and wrestling with God's words for years, that the world's standards are rubbish from the pit of hell; chains that continue to entrap lives Jesus died for. I pray you wouldn't be caught up in the ever-changing, never-enough rat race of the culture. God's truth about beauty does not fade and is what is worth striving for.

So ask God to help you keep it quiet in there. You will bless so many lives as you learn to have a spirit that is quiet and gentle.

Andres...the Haitian hugger

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 02:54:00 +0000

Scott asked one night around the dinner table to share something that took our breath away. The answer came to my mind embarrassingly fast-embarrasing because my real answer had I shared it was "good hugs." Corny, I know. Which is partially why I thought of the second closest thing that took my breath away-the sunrise over the Indian Ocean at the Kenyan Coast. I can't quite tell you why I felt dumb saying "a good hug", but had I the chance to re-do that question, I'd suck it up and be corny.

Andres is the young guy I spotted standing quietly by himself in the boy's orphanage as the younger kids excitedly ran to the camera to view photos of themselves come up instantly after they'd been taken. Something about his demeanor made it impossible for me not to approach him and try to get to know him. I pulled the three Creole lines I knew and then finally just asked if he spoke French so I could ask him better questions other than, "how are you?" and "what's your name?"

Thankfully, he spoke French. We stood side-by-side in the corner chatting: I asked questions about his life and he just kindly responded. It was in those moments that I pulled my French together enough to draw out this precious boy that my teammate told me to ask Andres for a hug. He apparently gave the best hugs around.

You'd think she'd told me this kid knew where to find the fountain of youth! I gave him my sunglasses (a pair that is still somewhere in the boy's home in Carrefour) and asked to get a photo with him. I'll tell you, Andres is an epic hugger. Find him if you ever go to the boy's home and decide for yourself.

Andres became my buddy that day as he ran up to me consistently during the dodgeball game to tag me. It's as though those minutes of questions, a photo and a hug were all he needed to feel close to me. I wasn't complaining; I thought he was pretty rad.

Later that afternoon Andres wanted to introduce me to one of the older guys in the home--something I chuckled at. Playing wingman and my personal matchmaker already--this kid wears many hats, I thought.

I loved a lot about Haiti and miss the place immensely. But this particular afternoon stands out in my mind as I realized how language barriers and cultural differences didn't stand in the way of showing and receiving love. I'm blessed to have spent a little bit of time with a boy whose smile was radiant and whose ease in showing love blessed me immensely.

Here's to you, buddy! Keep hugging it out!

Weak sauce

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 21:02:00 +0000

If you're anything like me, you hate being weak. Weakness blows chunks. Hercules? He wasn't weak. Jack Bauer? Not weak either.

Your mom? I know mine's not weak!

The point is, weakness is not an attractive trait. Almost everything we do (okay, no need to include you in my madness)--everything I do, is either to make me stronger, or to minimize the impact weak areas have on my life; sometimes, I even do things to avoid looking weak. I'm crafty like that. Yes, I know, I need help.

So, with my own special need for therapy here, you can imagine that I didn't quite understand what in the world God was talking about when I was sitting in my room on the floor, praying (and eventually crying) as God said, "Do not despise your weakness!"

Excuse me? Say what now?

Umm...not cool. Not hip. Not happenin'. But there He went again and said it, "Do not despise your weakness."

I blame all of these renewed truth lessons on Haiti. I mean, seriously. God just keeps sayin' stuff.

I learned that night, as I have ever since I got back from Haiti a month ago, that God isn't interested in my pretenses of strength. He isn't interested in what I think I've got covered.

He isn't looking for displays of grandeur. Are you kidding me? He knows me, the Bible says, and remembers that I was made from the dust...

Just the other night I was in my room praying about my body acting up when I ended my prayer and heard God tell me to leave my room and ask my mom to pray for me. Easy enough. That's what I did. It's only after she'd prayed for me and I heard the truths she spoke as she talked to Jesus on my behalf that it hit me.

I was coming out of hiding.

I was refusing to believe the lie that "it's so small, I shouldn't bother anyone with this" or just pretending it wasn't really bothering me. It's petty. I just need to get over it. Instead, I took that weakness and put it on display.

It honestly felt like standing in the nude. Which is what vulnerability often feels like.

You know what, though, God isn't afraid of nudity...(please don't take me out of context here). He doesn't get all bent out of shape when I admit that sometimes I just don't get Him. He's not sitting on His throne with mouth agape right now that I still screw up...even when I know better!

Being weak and feeling weak is humbling. It reminds me that I'm not "Cynthia-Queen of the Hill."

But what if His grace is in putting my weakness on display SO THAT I can experience the full expanse of His love? What if the point isn't me at all? What if He's greater than the weakness I despise?

Making like a Kenyan and running

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 06:41:00 +0000

I sat down to do my homework after responding to an email from my new Haitian friend, Cholomy, when I realized that it being November 23rd today meant that in only 2 months and 2 weeks, I would be turning 27!

I. FLIPPED. OUT!

I normally look forward to getting older every year. I look forward to new experiences, meeting new people, learning lessons that come with having lived longer and finally learning from the foolish mistakes of the prior year. I look forward to being wiser and less driven by selfish ambition.

This was not my perspective tonight.

Instead, I begun feeling the tears well up inside of me as I realized that my being almost 27 meant that being a young mom (what I consider young) was something I should now bid farewell. I wasn't necessarily focused on the not being married yet part...mostly coz I limit myself to one breakdown per evening, but that too stung! I know this might sound dramatic to some (and trust me, I know all the good "it'll be ok" comebacks)-but this is time for honesty. Time to put what's in my heart on the table.

There are times I know that if I started crying, I would only stop when i finally pass out on my bed and fall asleep. And that causes headaches. I hate headaches. Some emotions for me seem too strong to be dealt with in that fashion. When I feel really sad and can't even express that sadness in a communicable way, I find my Brooks and I run...and run...and run.

So that's what I did. And as I ran, I almost stopped to cry. I almost stopped to just sit and listen for God's voice of comfort. But I was still too wrapped up in emotions to stop for anything, so I ran faster. The thoughts that ran through my mind were fast and furious: "God, you are good, I know you are, but what in the world?" "What if I don't ever have children-biologically or through adoption?" "Jesus, forgive me for whining about this when I KNOW people who just want a decent home to live in-how pathetic of me." "Wait, but even David's Psalms weren't all rainbows and lollipops, so I know you aren't freaked out by this." The faster the thoughts came, the harder I ran-the stride lengthened, my feet tapped the ground more nimbly, as though understanding would come on the heels of a faster mile pace. If only...

I am faced with the reality of two things that I hold in tandem: God's goodness and my limited understanding. Wedged in the middle of both of those are heart's desires that are unfulfilled; the acuteness of which feels torturous sometimes. I can't keep running forever. I have to stop running at some point and sleep, eat, go to work, engage with friends. So what do I do?

I admit that I worship a God whose ways I don't fully understand. I admit that primary among my fears is making a god of good things that should always come second to my love for Jesus; while at the same time I fear hiding the fact that marriage and children are things I honestly desire...and not in a "some day" way, either. Those days of "yeah, some day" are long gone. Can anyone say, so 4 years ago?!

While God has made some things perfectly clear:

1. Stay in Portland

2. Sharpen your skills of pastorally caring for women

He has left others completely unknown...and you know, that's how He rolls. Something about walking by faith or something.

So, as I fight for contentment and trust with my Brooks and my workout gear, my Bible and my friends, my tears, the love of my family and the blessings I choose to be consciously aware of, I do my best to run-not just for a healthier heart, but to run the race that matters; the race of faith that believes even when things don't make sense...and they may not make sense for awhile.

Trust me...

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 03:01:00 +0000

This entire year of my life can be summed up in two words: "Trust Me." Almost from day one, God has been cautioning me about my sinful bent of leaning on my own understanding, instead of trusting Him.

I have discovered in the past 11 months just how much I rely on what I think I know/understand. And I'm discovering that the understanding I think I have is very little. God asks me to do something that scares the living daylights out of me everyday--to Trust Him over and above my own understanding.

This summer, I switched my program focus from Coaching to Pastoral Care to Women. I was kicking and screaming the entire way. It had become apparent to me as I took more classes at Western that I loved the Word of God and wanted to teach it. It also became clear to me as I begun mentoring Jackie, that I loved discipling women--and in fact, had been doing so since I was 18 years old. Spiritual gift tests had always indicated that I was most suited for a shepherding role of some kind.
I sat in Ron Marrs' office and talked about these two passions, and uttered words I never thought I'd hear myself say, "I feel as though my calling in life is to disciple women and to teach them the Word of God in context of these relationships. I think Pastoral Care to Women will be the best training for this."

Why was I scared of this?

1) the first thing most people said to me when I was throwing this idea around was, "All the guys who want to be pastors will be flocking to you." Or, "Ah, pastor's wife, huh?" I didn't want to seem like I'm just trying to win over a man because of his role (this sounds so silly as I write it).
2) the last thing I wanted to spend my life doing was hanging out with Christians all day. I wanted to be interacting with non-believers and talking to them about the good news that Jesus saves. I wanted to disciple, but not to be in a bubble;to evangelize, but to work in the context of an outwardly-focused Church.
3) what kind of job title does a PCW grad have? What would I tell my family I was going to school for exactly? to hang out with people and talk about Jesus? Couldn't I do that on the weekends like other normal Christians?

But I knew that this was what God was asking me to do. I knew that putting aside my need for a title or a position in the secular world "because that seems more legit" was what God desired. It wasn't that I would live with one foot in my "regular" life and the other in what I am actually passionate about because I was scared of all the unknowns of trusting God with this passion.

Going to Haiti only cemented that God wants more than an M.A. after my name after my degree is done. He wants more than my weekends-He wants my life!

I have been praying that I would TRUST Him day-by-day. Obedience is, after all, simply putting one foot in front of the other as God gives direction.

I don't know where this road leads, but I am thankful for a God who can be completely trusted with the desires of our hearts.

His workmanship

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 08:15:00 +0000

Ephesians 2:10 is stalking me. Straight up! I begun praying for God to speak to me specifically about my Pastoral Care to Women degree track (and the future that He has planned for it) and boom-this verse landed on my lap.
There is special significance for me with this particular verse that states, "For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do." It's a verse Mark Polhamus (my friend Aaron's dad) spoke to me about 3 years ago. A verse, at the time, that didn't seem to have any logical application to what I was thinking about/pondering in life.

But here I was again, with God's words through the apostle Paul circling about in my mind. Okay, God, I hear you, but what truth am I being asked to believe once more?
I then picked up a book by the founder of Forward Edge International, Joseph Anfuso "Message in a body" and what do you know--this one verse of all the thousands of verses in Scripture, is written about 3 times in his book!

SERIOUSLY???!!!

There are some practical implications to the good works God is calling me to do. But I am realizing now that the difficulty is more in the first part of the verse than the second.

1. God's workmanship. ME? One translation says "masterpiece." I can believe that water was turned into wine at the wedding in Cana. I can believe that Jesus rose from the dead on the third day. But what is it about actually believing that God intentionally created me do I have such trouble ingesting?
All of it. It seems too good to be true. Perhaps because I know that if I believed that truth, it would change my life in such a radical manner, I wouldn't know what to do.

So before I even go about adventuring into the question, "what are these good works?" I am asking God to help me simply believe the first half--I, Cynthia Njeri Mathai, am God's workmanship. It's not proud to say so, it's not self-elevating, self-absorbed, self-focused. It's what God says, and somehow, I pray by the power of the Holy Spirit, I would take God at His word.

Simplicity breeds creativity...

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 06:27:00 +0000

Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Man, how this phrase has applied to my life recently...mostly as a result of what God spoke to me about while in Haiti: simplify your life. At first I thought all He was referring to was my finances. So I begun to think of ways to cut back on some expenses.

But then He expanded it to simplifying how I spend my time. So, I stopped triple booking, set more time aside to just be, contemplate, pray, take one day off a week to rest, and dig deeper into important relationships.

I believe it was Josh White that spoke of the creativity that is sparked when you begin to live simply. You have to find creative ways of living your life since you can't just run out to the store to purchase the next hottest deal. You have to think through things a little more intently.

I have found this to be true of my life as I simplify it. I am discovering little things along the way that make this less mundane and incredibly fun.

-I cook very creative meals (and dare I say, delicious meals) because I won't just give in to a food craving by calling the Thai restaurant that I have on speed dial. Instead, I put that thinking cap on and come up with a concoction that I eat for days on end. Joy!
-I spend my money a lot more wisely now that I won't just indulge in Express' next "spend $60 and save on all fall sweaters." Sorry folks, you are lovely, but I'm not falling for that one again!
-I cook for friends more and host more people in my home--since spending money eating out isn't second nature anymore. And you know what? I LOVE cooking for people! I love welcoming people into my home and getting to know more of their stories, what's been going on in their lives.

Featured below is Sophia Langston...the beautiful daughter of my friends, Andriel and Desiree Langston. Ah, what a beauty! And a blessing from God as I learn to simplify in order to go deeper in my relationships, to bless, to serve.

Blessed beyond belief

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 01:32:00 +0000

I wake up most days AMAZED at almost everything: the gift of life, to live in freedom, to have a healthy body, mind, spirit. I spend a good portion of my life staring into the distance and just thinking about life. Thinking about God. Thinking about how generous God is.

One of the greatest blessings in life has been seeing how God moves so powerfully, so beautifully and so mysteriously through godly people. I am so thankful that God has pursued me my entire life and been so good to encourage me with fantastic examples of His great love. I have met people who radiate the beauty of God in ways that stop my heart.

Pictured below are two incredible people: Bishop and Madame Jeune at the Forward Edge Int'l banquet. They are the founders of Grace International in Haiti. I stayed on their property while in Haiti and had the privilege of hearing the story of how God brought Madame and Bishop together, and how the ministry has grown. They are wonderfully humble, faithful and joyful people whose lives are a testament of God's ability to use earthen vessels for His glory.
Thank you God for great examples. Thank you once again for evidence of faithfulness through faithful people.

I'm blessed!

LORD. Not just Savior.

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 07:28:00 +0000

I had to turn the car engine off, lay my head back against the headrest and just say, "Jesus, I am done hosting the Cynthia show!"

On January 8th, 2002, I took official ownership of my faith and made a declaration that I would follow Jesus intentionally for the rest of my life, so help me God.
That was the beginning of the most gruesome 6 months, and the most adventurous journey I have ever been on in life. It has been a journey that thrashes my self-indulgent, independent soul to the wayside and invites me to abundant life that springs from being weak in the hands of a Mighty God.

What has become glaringly obvious to me since my return from Haiti is just how much of Savior I get and relish, treasure and celebrate...but how little of Lord I embrace and submit to.
Of course, my perspective comes from where I am on the journey now, so this is not to say that I was living in complete rebellion to my Lord's leading. It is merely an observation that has come from having God peel back a layer of my soul to reveal truth. It took leaving the comfort of my suburban life for the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere to learn this.

I am in tears as I consider just how much of my life has been about where I feel I need to be, what I feel I need to know, how many of the answers I need to have, where I am going, etc. Fighting for control, control, control. At what cost?
Trust.
Freedom.
Surrender.
The joy of the surrendered.

I mourn the moments in life that I have pushed for my will to be done. All the times I have sought to manipulate (subconsciously, sometimes) God into believing that I have thought through all the angles and feel that I have reached the best conclusion. All the wasted moments of trying to sit on a throne that is not my own. Foolishness.

But now I hear the voice of God challenging me...as He has been since this morning. "Do you actually believe in the Holy Spirit? The Counselor? The One sent to lead you into all truth? Do you believe that He leads YOU?"
Hmm...sometimes I live like an orphan, even though in the book of John, Jesus promises that He will not leave us as orphans. He will come to us (in the person of the Holy Spirit). The implication of this truth is material for another post. Suffice to say that it should boggle your mind.

So, what now? How do I allow Jesus to be Lord of my life in this new way? For me, it is the simplicity that makes it difficult: abandon yourself recklessly. To what?
The only certainty is Jesus here. Not my plans, not my wishes, not what I feel sure of now that will be questionable later. Just Jesus.

Practically speaking, it means that my passions are submitted to Jesus. I go where He leads, I do as He says, I move when He says move, I pause when He says pause. I say "I don't know" instead of presuming a direction when He has yet to enlighten me on one.

Funny...since that's what being a disciple has been about all along. I'm grateful for a God who is longsuffering.

For His glory,
Mathai

The ruminations of a Seminarian...

noreply@blogger.com (Cynthia Mathai) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 04:47:00 +0000

I've been a graduate student at Western Seminary for a year now, and in that time God has done a great work in me. Some tectonic shifts have occurred in my thoughts about ministry, calling, God's heart for the lost. But as some things change, other things get more confusing. Perhaps clarity will come with time; we'll see.

I have been incredibly blessed to be surrounded by some of the most brilliant minds. I feel at home at Western. I am encouraged, challenged and understand a little bit more of how great our God really is. I would recommend Western to anyone, at any time, without reservation!

My trip to Haiti continues to affect several aspects of my life, this one included. I came home feeling like God wanted to do more with my Seminary degree than what I walked into my program thinking. To be honest, I also had one or two things I said to God: "I'll do anything but that." Ha. We all know how that goes!

*I feel like God specifically called me into the Pastoral Care to Women program.*

(I am still figuring out whether God "called" me to this, or whether I simply evaluated my passions, strengths and made a wise choice). Are these the same thing? Are they diametrically opposed?

I have had a very strong inclination since surrendering my life plans to God in Haiti that ministry will become a stronger aspect of my life than I can even foresee in my life now. Some prophetic words have been spoken to me very specifically in this regard (something I trust God to reveal to me in His time).

So, of course, the questions come, and come fast.

1. Is God calling me to a specific work? Does God call all people to specific work, or does He give us wisdom to evaluate that for ourselves?

2. Is it okay to ask God what His purpose is for my life, or is it sufficient to read the Word and God's overarching purpose for the Church and leave it at that?

3. Is there anything to my growing passion for learning and teaching the Bible?

4. Do any of these questions even matter, or do I walk forward in faith without trying to seek God for these answers?

I am prone to "overthink" as my friend and Professor Ron Marrs says. None of these things might matter in the long run, but I am ruminating on these issues and welcome input.

Of course, I will continually search the Scriptures for direction, but I know I come to the Word with presuppositions; which is why as a check, I welcome others to speak to these matters.