Kernut the Blond

Giant Armadillo Invades Flea Market in Texas; Fleas Terrified.

Kernut — Sat, 11 May 2013 21:50:12 +0000

The shadow of a Giant Armadillo loomed over us as we entered the flea market, pushing against the stream of fleeing fleas. I’m not sure what the state animal of Texas is, but it should be the armadillo. Ok, so I just did a little googling extensive research and came to find the state animal is the armadillo. But, because Texas is so large, they need two state animals: the armadillo and the longhorn. I should’ve known. They’re all over this time of year: foraging in my...

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Ode to an Awning

Kernut — Wed, 01 May 2013 23:52:07 +0000

I know how much you all love my poetry, since Train and Tumbleweed got such rave reviews… (<—dripping with sarcasm), so I wrote another poem for you. This is what happened the other night to my neighbor’s awning during another huge storm in Texas. Ode To An Awning A fine product by Dometic, All shiny and new, It blocked out the sun, Providing shade for a few. Holding twinkling lights And wind chimes by the ton, It was a silent witness To all sorts of RV fun. One stormy...

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The Life of Pye: 30 Hours Without Pye

Kernut — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 22:55:53 +0000

The Life of Pye is about a cat. The cat who adopted me. And this is a short, sporadically posted series about her. The first post is Pye has a foot fetish. Pye is still quite pudgy. She’s been on a diet for several months (1/2 cup of kibbles as per the instructions on the bag), but it’s having little effect. (Her blood levels were tested when she got fixed in November and came back normal.) She gets a lot of exercise, still racing around the RV a few times a day — she uses...

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I just got felt up by TSA

Kernut — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 01:56:38 +0000

I’m at the Sioux Falls airport checking in for my return flight to Austin (via snowy Denver). At the security check point I put all my stuff on the conveyer belt and turn around to go through the metal detector. But there is no metal detector. In its place is something I’ve never seen… It’s a big, cylindrical glass container, with the outline of a pair of foot prints on the small carpet at the bottom. It’s one of those new-fangled x-ray screening machines. Oh....

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Too Cold To Snow and I’m Turning Blue

Kernut — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 18:56:57 +0000

‘Too Cold To Snow.’ I heard that phrase for the first time just before I left for the Frozen Tundra. (no, this is not about football – it’s about snow and ice) I now know there must be such a thing as too cold to snow because yesterday I landed in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, aka ‘The Frozen Tundra’, and am experiencing bone-chilling cold as I’ve never known. Here are some pictures taken before I knew better than to stand outside. The Frozen Tundra,...

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The Life of Pye: Pye Has a Foot Fetish

Kernut — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 21:38:21 +0000

The Life of Pye is about a cat. Well, the movie titled The Life of Pi isn’t entirely about a cat. Ok, the movie isn’t really about a cat at all, it just has a cat in it. Whatever, we can’t be picky. But this post is about a cat. It’s about the life, so far, of Pyewacket (aka “Pye”), the kitten who arrived on my doorstep adopted me in September of last year. This was originally going to be one Ten Things post, but she’s done so much goofy stuff I...

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All hat and no cattle

Kernut — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 23:32:12 +0000

Your lesson for today is a Texas saying: All hat and no cattle. It means pretentious. Like a guy who just bought himself an expensive cowboy hat, but doesn’t have any cattle. Used in a sentence, generally after some pontificating dork has just left the building, in your best Texas accent, “That guy is all hat and no cattle. My family has known his family since his grand-pappy and my grand-pappy were toddlers and they ain’t never had a pot to piss in. There’s no way in...

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The smell of money is a lot like methane, ammonia, and hydrogen sulfide.

Kernut — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 19:13:50 +0000

The smell of money stinks. No, really. Money smells like shit. Literally, like shit. Cow shit, chicken shit, and the gasses produced by drilling for oil all smell horrid and are toxic if inhaled for too long. But methane (cow), ammonia (chicken), and hydrogen sulfide (oil drilling) are the smell of money. Big money. You wouldn’t know it to spend any time in the middle of Nowhere, Texas (aka Cow/Chicken/Oil Country), but there is big money here. This county was recently named one of the...

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A smile a day keeps the buttheads away.

Kernut — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 02:08:14 +0000

(…and there’s a title which Google will never serve up in a search) Or it keeps the blues away. I don’t know. I can’t be expected to remember these things. It’s all I can do to remember what I had for breakfast this morning. (Go on, take a moment… can you remember what you had for breakfast? I rest my case. Probably. Maybe. Oh, never mind.) The small town of Bastrop, Texas, population around 7,300, is thirty miles southeast of Austin. Sadly, it is...

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Chocolate covered bacon is like sex.

Kernut — Sun, 10 Mar 2013 16:31:35 +0000

Yup… Chocolate covered bacon is like sex. (Maybe better, depending on the skill level of those involved.) They fry everything in Texas: all fish, pickles, bacon, candy bars, mallow pies, strawberry shortcake, cheesecake, oreos, twinkies, s’mores, etc. Y’all know I love a good festival. Since attending some of Texas’ festivals, fairs, and rodeos I’ve had some of THE BEST fried desserts ever. Fried cheesecake and fried oreos topped the list. That is, until...

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Pescetarian or Bacontarian, can’t I be both?

Kernut — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 18:37:59 +0000

Pescetarian: It’s like vegetarian, but with meat. Pescetarian (from Wiki): (pron.: /ˌpɛskɨˈtɛəriən/) (also spelled pescatarianism) is the practice of a diet that includes seafood but not the flesh of other animals. A pescetarian diet shares many of its components with a vegetarian diet and includes vegetables, fruit, nuts, grains, beans, eggs, and dairy, but unlike a vegetarian diet also includes fish and shellfish. The Merriam-Webster dictionary dates the origin of the term...

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Itty Bitty Religious Committee

Kernut — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 02:18:57 +0000

A petite prayer. A diminutive denomination. It may be small, but it’s cute. (That’s what he said.) Ahem. St Martin’s Catholic Church, The World’s Smallest Active Church Size only matters in horseshoes and hand grenades. Wait, I think I have that wrong. Err, uhh, never mind. Moving on… Just as I love both extremes of the phases of the moon, the full moon and the littlest sliver that looks like a fingernail clipping, I love weird and wacky extremes. They...

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Large Longhorns and Giant Forks

Kernut — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 17:07:35 +0000

World’s Largest Longhorn One cannot spend any amount of time at all near Austin, Texas without hearing about Longhorns. Yup, they’re a breed of cattle. (see below) Some type of (pissed off) longhorn with curly horns. I blame the humidity for the curly horns; it does the same thing to my hair. But - more importantly to many Texans – the Longhorns are a college football team. Many years ago, I watched football all the time, particularly in the era of Joe Montana (past QB for...

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A Capital Capitol in Austin, Texas

Kernut — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 02:53:03 +0000

With an abundance of my much-missed Starbucks/any coffee shop and health food restaurants, Austin reminds me a bit of many cities in California. And there’s quite a bit of fun, wacky stuff to see in Austin, the capital of Texas – besides the big blue spider butt. This post was going to be about the Largest Urban Bat Colony, but my photography skills the photos suck could be better (but are shown below anyway because I still think that’s much more interesting than a state...

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Arachnophilia in Austin, Texas

Kernut — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 23:09:23 +0000

Arachnophilia = The love of spiders. It’s coming to get you! I love spiders. They fascinate me – provided they aren’t in my house or on me. Then they terrify me. (That last part is very important… in my house or on me = dead spider. Yes, my love for spiders is fickle.) Do any of you recall the name of the pest control company that had very large plastic black widows on the side of its white trucks? Anyway, I loved seeing those trucks driving around town in southern...

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Cat-butt-tongue Water

Kernut — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 22:02:48 +0000

This is another post about my cat. If you don’t have pets, or never had pets, you probably won’t get this. In fact, you may decide to never get a pet, ever. But they’re totally worth it. I went to visit my friends Ben and Jo in Rockport, Texas over the weekend. The following are snippets from a conversation I had with Jo. Conversation with my friend Jo about Pyewacket, my newish kitten: Me: Pyewacket is getting pudgy and is now on diet. I used to call her Princess Pye, but...

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San Antonio Riverwalk at Christmas and The Tower of Doom

Kernut — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 17:05:19 +0000

Sculpture near Tower of the Americas, aka The Tower of Doom. Most of my adventures and travels center around seeing those weird and the wacky sights you can only find in America. But every now and then I come across something wonderful in my travels, such as the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. While San Antonio’s Riverwalk and the Tower of the America’s may not be as awe-inspiring as the natural beauty and grandeur of the Grand Canyon, they still took my breath away. San Antonio...

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Ten Things Tuesday: I Pray For Roadkill

Kernut — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 03:19:35 +0000

This post is a mish-mash of Ten Things Tuesday randomness from the past week. It’s not Tuesday, I know, and there may not be exactly Ten Things in this post. If you’re one of those folks who is a tad OCD about such things, I recommend coming back to read this post on Tuesday. Then all will be right with the world. (I am not poking fun – I have a few of my own OCD “preferences”: Clothes in closet hanging by “rainbow order” is just one of them. Rainbow...

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I told my therapist about you. Because the zombie apocalypse is coming and you need a shirt.

Kernut — Sat, 15 Dec 2012 15:11:51 +0000

I told my therapist about you. t-shirts By now you’re all aware of The Great RV Roll-about. Maybe more so than you’d like. Hey, it could be worse – this could be another post about my cat. For those of you living vicariously through my experiences, I thought you’d like a few t-shirts and bumper stickers from places you haven’t yet been. If you have a shirt that says “I stood on the corner in Winslow, Arizona” or a bumper sticker that says...

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I’m feeling slightly less jaded than last week. Yeah, there’s that.

Kernut — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 22:37:00 +0000

I wrote most of the following post rant after the last of several crappy condescending and chauvinistic incidents in the three preceding weeks. Feel free to skip it. The quoted portion is what I wrote last week. I’ve since calmed down a bit and am now feeling slightly less jaded. I explain why at the end. I alluded to this in my previous post and on my Facebook page. And a dozen times in my Match.com dating disasters. <rant on> Recent events in Texas have reminded me of my pet...

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