Kevin Tan

Of Worlds, White men, and Children

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 07:49:00 +0000

Happy new year! In the spirit of the new year, a short review of last years resolutions that I made with my heart full of hope and enthusiasm, listed in the order I find favourable for the purpose of this post.

One: Learn a musical instrument

My own voice obviously not counting, and having made it probably worse with the shameless belting in the car and recurrent bouts of pharyngitis, this resolution is probably not going to happen anytime soon.

Two: Gain weight and look totally smoking hot(ter)

I have maintained a consistent 60 kilos for the past six years. Assuming that I've only gotten taller since then, I think it's quite safe to assume that my BMI is consistently plummeting into non-attractive (by society's media-obsessed standards, my own protests notwithstanding) levels. Bravo to that. I should start resolving to deteriorate for the sake of my self esteem I think.

Three: Do better in medical school

C+ for ophthalmology. Enough said, epic fail. Next.

Four: Go to a country with snow

Went to England this year. It was in the spring time, though. So no snow. Probably doesn't count. It can potentially count, but I'm not really that open to be easy on myself. Complacency is the ultimate bad hair day I strive to avoid like the bubonic plague. Funny thing is the vacation-nature of resolution number four probably contributed to resolution number three failing miserably.

Five: Win a tournament

Recently went to the World Universities Debating Championships held in Manila, the Philippines. Long story short, probably the most humiliating experience of my life apart from being one point shy of passing the basic life support exam the first time. Both extremely conceited events to quote. I am a work in progress.

New word learnt from the experience: Nuance. Meaning? A language tool that White people use to sneak in arguments that will give them the automatic win with White judges when put against unsuspecting Asian speakers no matter how incredibly unintelligent the argument sounds on the surface. The dictionary gives a whole other, less bitter and racist meaning. You are free to look it up yourselves. Insert smiley face here to offset awfully ranty tone with light heartedness.

Also to provide light heartedness, random touristy pictures of Manila. I imagine in a slideshow with Demi Lavato's "Skyscraper" playing in the background. This paragraph just took a creepy turn.

And so ends my debating career (a word I use lightly and laced with ample amounts of cynicism). I won a bunch of stuff. Just not a tournament, so resolution not achieved. Oh, well. Next.

Six: Find a speciality I am truly passionate about

Back in Malaysia, dread filled my wee little heart as I hear stories of my professor throwing a fit (well not literally) at the fact that I was absent from classes to ~~waste my time~~ debate in the philippines. For the record, not really my fault. Sluggish bureaucracy released the exemption letter late and failed to forward it to the paediatrics department.

Expecting a thorough telling-to, aggravated to no ends by the horror stories I've heard that painted him an unreasonable Nazi, I was pleasantly surprise with this man's reason. He is also brilliant, extremely funny, witty and not too bad on the eyes.

I am yet to decide whether I am truly passionate about paediatrics, but I can see myself drifting in that direction. So I've probably found a ~~specialist~~ speciality that I'm passionate about. Maybe.

All in all, It was a pretty okay year. It could have gone better, therefore I am not making any new resolutions. That's because I am going to try and finish up last years. I am also lazy to think up new ones. Remember how I said I hated complacency? I lied. Although I didn't manage to achieve anything I resolved to do last year, oh well.

Blogged lovingly from my iPad. How do you know a person has just gotten an Apple product? Just wait, they'll tell you in an obnoxious Facebook post or boring blogpost.

So far

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 10:08:00 +0000

The warm breeze or the shorter statures were not the things that truly slapped a "welcome back to Malaysia" on me. It was the ophtalmology clinic. A large room fitted with 6 cubicles, a section for visual acquity and a row of chairs against the wall with the hassle and hoi polloi reminscent of a morning market. Strangely, as comfortable and relaxing as the quiet clinics of the UK may sound in theory, I felt relaxed and calm for the first time amidst the haste.

I was home. =)

Sure, it's got its flaws. The traffic and politics, the racism and the homophobia. The heat and the humidity. But it was strangely home.

Ophtalmology has been enjoyable. Peeking into the window of the soul and seeing the inner workings of the human body manifested in that tiny peek hole. None of the secretions, saliva, and phlegm of ENT.

As I sit here now pretending to be an eloquent writer, 7 rounds of debate, a few dinosaurs, and a plethora of enlightening things later, I wonder whether my time could be better spent doing my case write up. And with that the post comes to an abrupt (and rather disgruntled) end.

Greetings from Ipswich

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 16:42:00 +0000

2 weeks and a dozen and a half common colds have passed since I stepped into this quaint little Ipswichy town. It seems rather cliché to comment on the friendly vibe you receive when entering the Ipswich hospital grounds, but just like slowing down to scan a road accident scene, it just can't be helped.

The greatest force of inertia we received when starting our posting in this land was the vibe that we got from the health care professionals there. Our very first day in the hospital was greeted warmly by a "Oh, you're medical students? Bless your heart!" from a nurse, her face clad with a grin from one ear to the other. The contrast drew dramatically in our minds as we imagined many a time the nurses back in Malaysia squealing "Out of my way, useless medical students!" or something else along those lines. Of course, it's unfair to generalise but precedence exists back home while remaining absent here.

My favouritest part of medical school is and has always been the clinic. There's something about watching doctors in action and witnessing their train of thought manifest itself that peaks my interest and makes me not want to run away from home and join the cast of Glee. I never minded the overcrowded state of the clinics back home and was completely fine with standing for 4 hours while learning from the specialists and registrars.

My experience may be biased by the fact that it's summer and everyone's off for holidays, but the idea of a single student to a single doctor in the clinic with a neatly tucked chair in the corner for my to sit down blew my mind. And that was even before the nurse practitioner offered to make me tea.

Passive aggressive rants aside, the time in Ipswich has been good. Not sure I like the weather, but perhaps I neglected to buy proper warm clothes because I underestimated the cold. Nonetheless, looking forward to another week and going back to Malaysia.

LDN

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Tue, 24 May 2011 11:30:00 +0000

After about 12 hours of what can only be described as excruciating and painfully boring with a side of uncomfortable, my flight to London came to an end. At immigration, I practised in my head eloquently answering questions to prove that I'm not some illegal immigrant from a poverty-stricken South East Asian country coming to wash dishes in the underground dish-washer circuit. Failing to be eloquent, I managed to get past immigration nonetheless. I was stopped halfway to have my bags checked, probably because I was the only one wearing shorts in the airport.

Or that I look suspicious to a Londoner. Oh well, at least some things don't change.

Summer in London is like Reshmonu attempting to be a black RnB star. Dreadlock-clad, but just not there quite yet. Similarly, although the sun does shine more often than not, the temperature swings in the range of 16-24 degrees (staying at the lower ends most of the time, of course) with chilly frost-bite inducing winds that can literally set you off balance.

Should have bought thicker stuff to wear. Rusty on the right had the right idea.

In any case, the first day spent in London with aunty Jit included a lot of walking. That being said, the standard touristy pictures with semi-witty remarks follow suit.

The statue of Eros always seem to have people sitting around it chatting, taking pictures and smoking. Even as it approaches the evening.

Artsy fartsy style picture (not taken with those pretentious DSLRs though)

The view at Trafalgar Square. The National Gallery, a Statue of a King, and several other buildings that I've forgotten surround it. The timer counts down to the olympics in London.

The National Gallery

Initially excited about going in and looking at Renaissance-era paintings, I realised one can only appreciate so many depictions of infant Jesus and mother Mary and an assortment of other figures over and over again before feeling a twitch in my left eye. Nonetheless, it signifies the amount of history Europe has and the great minds and talents that walked its earth.

Obligatory fish and chips at a pub

I'm not posing, the winds are strong and my hair would've appeared very 80's if I had let it fly. And also I was posing.

Big Ben

Where that wedding everyone was obsessed about happened, Westminster Abbey

My first taste of London theatre.

In conclusion, the first day in London was a long, cold, tiring and an extremely new experience. Looking forward to familiarising myself with the place.

Sun is in the sky oh why oh why would I want to be anywhere else?

More artsy fartsy pictures

The whole album on Facebook

The thing about faith is...

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 15:15:00 +0000

It's extremely difficult to rationalise with people who cling to faith.

By definition, a belief in something without question (ie: not resting on logical proof or material evidence), it becomes infinitely difficult to come to a conclusion when one side decides to place such strong beliefs in something that has no substantial basis.

Imagine my elation when a brave artist stepped up to give an anthem to those who have long been outcast, bullied or teased because of life's "disabilities". The fact that teenagers who felt threatened and pushed towards suicide, now have something to listen relate to gave this world a new shade of hope.

And then finally when hearing this proud piece of music on Malaysian radio, I hear the line that embodies much of the meaning of the song: "No matter gay straight or bi, lesbian transgendered life, I'm on the right track baby I was born to survive" being brutally altered to "No vrofovrortrtworrrrfvroo I was born to survive".

I was like, bravo.

What objective could the censorship board possibly have had when they decided to cut out that line from the song? Was it in line with their ever valiant efforts to prevent the spread of this horrid and disgusting culture known as homosexuality? Were they appeasing the public who continued to use religion, conservatism and "social morality" as an excuse to continue their appalling and backward oppression of a minority?

Does the dogmatic nature of their faith completely blind them from the obvious backlashes of forcing people to suppress themselves and live a lie?

Backlash Number One
"Preventing the spread of gay culture" leads gay men to have relationships and get married to women in their efforts to please society and live away from controversy. But let me ask you, sir imams and priests of all spectrums of IQs, would you want your daughter to hook up with a gay man? Knowing very well that neither party could satisfy each other 100% in all aspects of the relationship, would you allow your little girl to stumble into a relationship where the likeliness of adultery, divorce and scarred childhoods are much, much higher considering the circumstances?

Backlash Number Two
Sodomy as a criminal offense within the penal code doesn't prevent "gross indecency". Whether or not the law exists does not erase the fact that homosexual intercourse continue to occur. What it does is force these people into hiding, propagating irresponsible sex by both preventing education to reach them as well as discouraging HIV/AIDS screening for fear of prosecution. And this is beside the fact that "sodomy" is a religious idea and imposing it as a crime via law goes against all sorts of "freedom of religion" we have.

Add those two paragraphs together and what do you get? A pathway of least resistance for the spread of the AIDS pandemic created by our wonderful values, conservatism, ignorance, and sense of morality, also known as Super-mega Combined Backlash of Ignorance. All in the name of one of the most popular of fairy tales in 20 centuries, of course.

I have nothing against religion per se. I think it's perfectly fine to have something to believe and and motivate you to be a better person. But when moderation goes out the window and dogmatism leads to hate and discrimination, that's when the credibility of faith starts to falter.

It doesn't help either when it gives people dumb reasons to be good when there are perfectly good reasons out there. If you think it's a better reason to be a doctor "for God and your entrance into Heaven" rather than for the sake of that patient lying there on your hospital bed, there are definitely some detachment or humanity issues that need to be discussed.

I truly believe that the death of my patient, the grief of her family, and the fact that a poor child would have lost their mother serves as a better motivation to be a good doctor rather than an all-powerful deity and an eternal vacation after life.

This is my opinion. I sorry if I offend anyone. I know I'm going to hell.

'10

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 05:19:00 +0000

"2010 has been an eventful year" would probably be one of those cliché sentences I would use to begin this post. But you know what, it totally was. I don't really remember what semester I was in when the year began, probably 4th semester or something, but a lot has happened since stepping into clinicals.

Obstetrics and Gynaecology was a fleeting blur. It was like my white coat was the harness and the wards and labour room were the deep ravine I would bungee jump into. You go down yelling and scared for your life, wind in your hair and your guts feeling the inertia as you pummel down into the unknown depths.

And then you come back up, exhilarated, trying to hear your thoughts amidst your deafening palpipations. And Surgery was the ride back home, only we used the road with lotsa good-looking people.

AMSA Academics Team

I was never a research kinda guy. Somehow I was thrown into the academics team. Thank goodness it was full of amazingly awesome people.

Our adventures took us to old folks' homes in two different states with a variety of interesting denizens ranging from post-stroke patients determined to walk again, the depressed, the delusional, and the active tree-climbers. A multitude of remedies and recipes to cure the average man's chronic disease you could find in the thoughts of those who have walked this earth before us.

Albeit somewhat negligible, I am glad to have contributed to our win. 3rd place was totally awesome and we'll definitely try better next time around.

Not long after the new year comes in we will be off to another conference, the very last time for me. Regardless of whether we win anything or not, I am sure that our work this time will benefit a lot of people.

I sure hope the stories of these girls will be told, and that we will do their tale justice.

UKM Debaters

We've come a long way since Royals in first year. Being put in UKM Senior 2 so that we could rush back for exams (under the assumption we had no chance in hell of breaking, of course) until now.

There have been a lot of wins and losses since our first Royals in first year.

The time Pau and I tied for last place in the best speaker ranking during our first National Health Science Debate. A feat I tried to pass off as an achievement during an interview, only to receive a cynical laugh from the professor.

The time Xu Vin and I broke into the octo-finals in the Asian BP, a feat I never expected to achieve at that time.

Or the time we got into the finals of Royals in our third try, with more or less the same team as first year. Sure, we didn't win the thing but I guess you can't have everything. =)

Reflections and Resolutions

There's been a lot of bad and a lot of good. I can't remember much of the bad that's happened this year, but I'm glad I experienced it. The bitterness makes the sweet taste oh-so-much sweeter.

They say that the 20's is the time you find yourself. Well I'm still searching. I hope I find it before I get too old.

This year I resolve to:

Do better in medical school
Find a speciality I am truly passionate about
Learn a musical intrument
Win a tournament
Go to a country with snow
Gain weight and look totally smoking hot(ter)

All of which I will probably be breaking. But I'm totally gonna try to reach them!

?

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 15:19:00 +0000

When I thought this was all this world could offer I was content
I was happy with the ignorance that this was all there was
And then I caught a glimpse of something more
And suddenly my world expanded
But its expanse too vast to contain the present
Without calling a deluge of emptiness to mock its pettiness
I feel this way because there can be something more than I fathomed

I finally figured out why.
This aching is called emptiness.
But the deluge was brought by fiction, what irony this is.

But now that I know I am dealing with "emptiness"
I can simply fill it.
Or at least I can keep on believing I can.

Bali 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 16:06:00 +0000

After a traumatic yet slightly exciting experience in the first semester of clinical years, a trip to Bali to rest and rejuvinate was just what the doctor ordered. We would know =)

Obligatory airplane picture

The hotel, and pretty much everything from shop houses to towering temples ornate with statues of Hindu deities, were heavily decorated with Hindu cultural designs.

On the first day we got to see a performance depicting a Hindu tale of good, evil, sacrifice and bad parenting.

It was entitled the "Barong and Kris" Dance.

The story tells of the Goddess Kurti sacrificing her stepson to the horrible monster Barong for some reason that I don't know because I couldn't understand their accent.
The costumes were really elaborate as can be seen in the above picture where the monkey was harassing the tiger (which totally doesn't happen in real life, you don't let your food harass you.)

But sneaky Lord Shiva granted the stepson (seen here tied to a tree) immortality,
so like, the Barong totally couldn't eat him HAH!

Lunch was in the highlands. In the background is Mt. Batur,
an active-ish volcano in Bali.

Followed by temple visiting

And chocolate and coffee tasting at the cocoa and coffee plantation.

There's this coffee called Luwak Coffee where they make a ferret like creature sniff out the coffee beans and eat them. As apparently the stomach of the luwak break down the proteins to shorter amino acid chains it produces an aromatic and less bitter coffee. And yes that was totally from wikipedia.

And the luwak is a chivet in English. Sounds like a car.

But nonetheless can I get a big EWW people? Like, seriously. But apparently it's really good. But even a coffee junkie like Pei Sun didn't want to try it.

-End of day one-

I am totally not 22

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 06:46:00 +0000

I've never been innately excited about birthdays, or anyone else's for that matter. It's always been another day for me, probably because growing up we never really had birthday parties. The most was a cake and a family dinner with the four of us, and that was just fine.

Up until the sixth form I never had friends going out of their was celebrating my birthday for me. That's why it was a refreshing experience when your classmates go out of their way getting an awesome card and a doggy stuffed toy for you one year and a little box full of good wishes and a cheese-flavoured Kit Kat another.

Triple birthday gathering with coursemates

We got a white chocolate slab individually labelled with our name, age, race and gender ala patient summary.
Mine was labelled Kevin 22/?/♂

The cake was like this vanilla peachy thing. Yummy.

Got a nice shirt from them which I am wearing and looking
totally hot in this picture.

But the fun ride doesn't end there, I also got some super coolio stuff from the debaters. Yes, I know this is like some totally typical omgmybdaysocoolteeheeheehahahahuhu blogpost but whateva.

The peanut thingy was messy and delicious

I also had an interesting conversation with Darryl via sms the day before my birthday.

So like after that conversation I assumed he was joking and wanted to like maybe send over the Royals winner cheque to my address or something so I can give it to them and that he wasn't involved in some money laundering and various other types of white collar crime and wanted to use my address to get away from the police or something.

And yes my phone totally turns yellow and displays Pikachu when I get messages from him.

A few days later I got this in the mail.

So sweet right? He even typed out the address. Oh wait that's his handwriting.

Awesome 3D Birthday card from Darryl! (Darryl not included)

Eventhough it fell in exam week as usual, it was still a good one. =)

Emancipation Needed

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 09:41:00 +0000

Just came back from Mid Valley after watching Step Up 3. Didn't exactly look forward to it, just a casual movie to watch seeing that we've completely exhausted our choices during the last week of O&G.

Obligatory movie poster

The movie was okay, predictable plot and mediocre acting, though I must admit it had amazing dance sequences. Reminiscent of a musical minus the singing, in some scenes the characters are so absorbed in their dance routine they cause collateral damage along the way.

But violent disrespect of public property aside, one thing about the movie that struck me and spiraled my into a state of utter depression was the reinforcement of idealistic standards of male beauty that reaked from the show.

Exhibit A: Rick Malambri, the main character

The brooding eyes, the bulging biceps and perfectly coiffed hair associated with super cool dance moves spelled out constantly throughout the movie the words "UNREALISTIC STANDARDS". Ever since the beginning of the concept of entertainment exceptionally beautiful people have set the standards of which we aim for when attaining aesthetically pleasing appearances.

In the efforts to sell their products, companies project an image that is beyond the reach of regular people who have stuff to do in their day other that hit the gym constantly and bombard their kidneys with protein drinks. In naive hopes of attaining this by some indirect way, they rush to purchase these products like the drones to capitalism they are.

This also has resulted in the mushrooming of fitness centres and gyms all over the place providing avenues for people whose self esteem are slaves to this standard set by Hollywood to bulk up. Resulting from this is the diversion of time from productive activities such as solving the energy crisis to pumping it up in the gym in order to attain a physique reminiscent of 10,000 b.c. (both the movie and the actual time period for those who neglect to man-scape.)

Those are examples of the market utilising insecurity as a selling point.

But aside from that, if you think about it, is it really necessary with regards to a modern lifestyle to have the same physique required for survival back in the stone age? Does it really require such great strength and amazing biceps to push paper or operate a machine or type on a notebook? Unless you teach martial arts or are a tool of the media to sell stuff ie: models, actors, etc etc there really is no real need, practically, to require such a high amount of potential strength.

Do we really need this to happen all the time?

The fact that you'd need to consume an excess amount of calories to maintain the bulk that you have built upon your bones means you'd have to spend the extra money you've earned from your job (minus the constant pay cuts you suffer as you destroy one keyboard after another) to purchase foods that you don't really require.

It's hard to deny the health benefits of this lifestyle. Cardiovascular diseases and metabolic syndromes etc would have no relevance in the healthcare allocation if everyone hit the gym regularly. But extreme measures, especially undertaken by those who are unable to afford professional monitoring result in hernias, sprains, and a victimised kidney and liver. Aggravating this is the fact that the intent that exists in pursuing these activities are almost never one of health but of vanity.

Of course it is still a choice of the person whether or not he wants to succumb to these standards and hit the gym. Those who reach the standard appease the tastes imposed upon their peers and get a lot of action. But one must question whether it is a truly valid informed choice when the media and members of society who adhere to the media's standards of beauty constantly coerce men to abide by the rules it has set.

I don't believe it is a choice to do something if there is an imbalance of consequences between the choice, especially when this imbalance has been imposed by other people. When a person is compelled to compromise his self esteem in order to practice moderation because societal perception insists upon this standard, it is a form of indirect coercion as he is no longer making a true choice that is free of pressure from society that acts to sway his decisions. Although the simplest solution to this is to just discard this standard and disregard the opinions of those around you, it seems like something that is impossible to do and even if you manage to do it, you'll never be happy about it.

Why is it okay for people to think of skinny models as vile creatures that promote anorexia upon young, innocent, and unsuspecting females but it is not okay to protect the male species from being expected to achieve something that is unnecessary, unrealistic and impractical?

I wonder what choices I would make and how they would play out if I was free to make them without a mould constantly nagging at me to follow it.

2 posts in a row talking about image issues. I need to see a psychiatrist I think.

There is some kind of black hole in me

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 13:59:00 +0000

Serious shit.

Evidenced by the picture above, I lost 2 kilos in the past 2 months. And of course I have been telling people loss of weight due to constitutional symptoms of malignancy in O & G.

HAHAHAHAHA MEDICAL JOKE SHADDAP KEVIN

Anyway, my life is cursed. Enjoying life by not eating so much my stomach feels like exploding leads to rapid loss of weight making me a walking skeleton, threading across this earthly plane.

Only when I get a multitude of comments such as

"OMG you lost weight!"

"Kevin you look like you've not eaten for decades"

"Haaar why you so skinny d??"

"Eeyer, geli."

do I have the motivation to eat up and regain the measly 2 kilos. Not that it would make much of a significant difference anyways.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a black hole somewhere along my gut that sucks away the nutrients like an annoying black hole of evilness. Or something is wrong with my thyroid gland that forces upon me such a high metabolic rate. Or life is just cruel.

And yes, I know millions of girls out there would kill to have my metabolism. But I am not a girl the last time I checked therefore my superficial narcissistic issues of outward appearance does not apply to you people okay. You succumb to stereotypical standards of gender beauty I also can okay.

I have contemplated getting those protein powders but I sympathise with my kidney gravely.

I have contemplated going to the gym but have neither the time nor the personality to maintain such a regime or do such unattractive repetitive actions in public.

I have contemplated ~~anabolic steroids~~ not being bothered with physical appearance.

But then again I was never and will never be a person that would suit a super buffed up body anyway, and the possibility that I would have such a physique is utterly geli, so I guess eating a bit more and a little exercise will just have to do.

After all, I am on team Edward. =)

I'd choose depth of character over protein-acquired appeal any day.

The Climb

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 14:16:00 +0000

At the risk of being all Hannah Montana up on your face, a week of clinicals seems like a month. The steep slope just gets steeper and steeper as I learn more and more things I am required to do that call for a serious widening of my comfort zone and a large dose of guts. (which doesn't imply that I like kueh chap now, I still think it smells and tastes like livestock.)

Take the plunge and go talk to pregnant ladies
Take the plunge and palpate pregnant ladies
Take the plunge and take blood from pregnant ladies
Take the plunge and do a vaginal examination
Take the plunge and present a case to a doctor
Take the plunge and deliver a baby

Although at this point in doesn't sound like climbing a hill and a bit like skydiving repeatedly.
Okay I suck at analogies.
Anyway, just pretend I used some super cool climbing hill defying gravity figure of speech.

Having debated for 2 years now I should be used to sucking it up and taking the plunge. I shouldn't feel introverted when in the wards and shy to talk to patients. I only managed to clerk 3 cases last week, a lot of it due to the fact that I wasn't confident enough to go up and talk to the patients because I knew squat about asking a proper history and even when I was talking to them I so so wanted to get it over with, leaving tidbits of stuff here and there left out.

I mean how do you ask someone about their lochia?
Apa warna cecair yang keluar dari faraj puan?
Sigh.

Climbing the hill with the extra weight of having to finish up a poster and present it in a conference, meaning I will miss an entire week of posting, of course adds to the whole "omgimgonnadie" feeling.

Sigh.

Well, I can't let these things pull me down anymore.
I'll try reading up on the theory more to add some confidence.
I'll just suck it up and go talk to patients so that it comes second nature eventually.
I'll watch like 70 deliveries if need be to get confidence to perform one myself. (Hopefully I only need to watch 2 la)
I think I'll try defying gravity.

On a side note, it is now a lifelong goal of mine to watch Wicked on Broadway someday. I hope it doesn't stop showing by the time it's within my means.

My lifelong goal damn gay wan, right. =)

Back to reading about labour. I'm guessing Obs Illustrated omitted all the blood when they drew the pictures.

Uncle Hunting in HUKM

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 10:52:00 +0000

Remnants of BPH research looming over their heads, a pinch of IRT from Seng Wee from across the South China Sea.

In white coats we clad, with questionnaires and urine sample containers we wield, we're going uncle hunting in HUKM today. =)

Footprints of an AMSA Academic Officer

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 13:06:00 +0000

With our spirits up high and our ambitions SWAT, we step into the university hospital with a mission. Pei Sun and I had a mission to do, get the research proposal for AMSC paper submitted.

Or die trying.

Our journey begins at 9 am, the sun young and naive, basking the sleepy earth with its juvenile rays.

5 pm, weary and worn out, our mission accomplished.

We smiled at the sun as it sunk into the horizon, as it has watched us stride the grounds with undying determination.

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 11:15:00 +0000

When two people are being selfish, how do you decide which person should back down?

If a person is selfish because the consequences otherwise would be grave, is it then justified?

Is it love to blackmail someone with exaggerations of one's sacrifices? Does it imply that the other has felt nothing? Can a sacrifice be so perfect that it leaves those under its care unscathed?

My face show sadness.
I feel defeated.

But I will not wallow in self pity. =)

Brimstone

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 13:01:00 +0000

Forgiveness is as beautiful as it is difficult. When one has been hurt, our pride and pain stops us from forgiving and forgetting, stops us demanding restitution.

But oh the freedom it commands and the happiness it brings. Forgiveness heals.

But healing can only happen if you pull the bullet out first. Thus is the paradox of life. It is naive to wish otherwise.

Then again we do not discriminate all iron just because some decide to take the shape of a bullet.

On another note, why is it so easy to burn things down in Malaysia?

Churches, temples, mosques, oh my. The only people dumber than those who bare the flame are those who bare the badge.

If so many things are out of your capacity why do we waste tax money to fund your lunch. I say fire every police officer in a 5km radius of the arson sites and use the money to build more fire stations.

Reflections of 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 10:11:00 +0000

Smartness is not something innate. It is acquired through hard work, determination, and persistence. That's what I always tell myself whenever I feel inadequate.

Whenever I feel I'm about to fail at my clinical skills, or whenever I feel defeated and completely behind in debate as my peers rush past me, leaving me behind in their dust.

There's no such thing as being born capable. Awesomeness is something to be acquired.

The year of 2009 was filled with awesomeness. The factor of awesomeness is something that I strive to acquire, and it is a process that never ends.

When choosing medicine, serving society was always at the back of my mind.
I'm not naive to think that it's the only driving factor for me as I used to, however it never fails to pick me up and set things into perspective whenever I feel lost and crushed under the pressure of this course.

Going for community service in a rural area taught me some things was a unique experience.

Speaking of medicine, I've been doing pretty well
However the last semester exam was dangerously close towards non-awesomeness. Getting past the 3.5 mark by a mere 3rd significant figure as well as practically failing the history-taking component of my clinical exam is a very bad sign.

Putting aside the fact that a lot of people failed for our group because certain individuals that had the responsibility to take marks were hard of hearing, I believe I need to improve on my Malay language tremendously.

Honestly, my opinion of that language is one of vast inferiority and commonness and I just wished that everyone would just learn English already.

However I can't escape the fact that not everyone converses in the same language I do.

I guess I just have to suck it up and learn the damn language already and quit complaining.

The one thing we all share in common, whether rural or city-folk, is good friendship
It's something that everyone needs. It's that primal instinct unexplainable by simple words that pulls us through the tough times. Without a word, without a whisper, it fills a person's life.

Speaking of friends, I think my perception really needs to change a little.

Sometimes competitiveness can be an ugly thing. Especially in debate. It can bring out the worst in people, even amongst close friends. Especially when you have a combination of a sore winner and a sore loser in a single person. Or two.

I think that support is really an important aspect of friendly competition. It's really hard to swallow your pride and offer support and reassurance, or even acknowledge another's achievement amidst your own failure.

Even harder to do is to ask for help, especially when that aspect puts you in the position of a sore loser, and the other in the position of a sore winner.

But perhaps I don't have to swallow my pride. Perhaps this pride arises because of the perception I have on the whole concept of "sore-winnerness". If I can feel proud of myself for an achievement and yet still want to help others without feeling any condescension I'm sure that others are fully capable of doing so as well.

I'm sure that things will be much easier when we give others the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure awesomeness can be acquired much faster when we assume good in others simply because humanity is capable of doing so.

And I'm sure that even if condescension exists, there has to be a cause for it. And the vicious cycle needs to break somewhere. Even if it's a figment of my imagination.

Perhaps breaking that cycle needs more than a change of perception. A little swallowing of pride is needed as well.

That's from my point of view anyway. I wonder if it truly reflects reality.

But I'm sure things can change for the better, from my side at least. =)

If I am successful, I want you right there next to me.

Even if you're a ~~little bit~~ lot ahead.

But not in a gay way la. (¬_¬)

Speaking of Debate, It's been a full season.
We flew off to Thailand and went for the Royals in University Malaya.

Broke past the preliminary rounds for the first time in Thailand. Unfortunately we lost by 1 point after that.

Didn't really do that well in the Royals.

Just wasn't my Royals, I guess. I wonder when will it ever be.

I wonder sometimes if my expectations for myself is set to high. But then I wonder whether I would get anywhere without these high expectations. And then I start to wonder whether the grief of not reaching these expectations is worth the sub-par achievements I currently have under my belt.

I guess everyone has their own learning curve and everyone needs to carve their own paths in life. I guess it's important to have an aim, however even more important than reaching it is how you handle yourself if you don't.

Giving up is never an option. Neither is beating yourself up about it.

So I guess we need to have high expectations for ourselves but at the same time acknowledge that we are human. Limited and unique, not to be compared with anyone and to be forgiven sometimes, eventhough your best just wasn't enough.

But then again a person's "best" is never a stagnant thing.

Perhaps my "best" in 2010 would be even better that it was in 2009.

No, I'm pretty sure it will be.

Here's to more awesomeness to come. =)

Christmas at Beatrice's

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 03:37:00 +0000

Christmas is good. It's peaceful and holy full of warmth and calm as we commemorate the birth of the Saviour.

Unless you invite a whole bunch of debaters to your house

THEN CHAOS ENSUE!!!

In totally awesome white costumes

As the accident-prone pants of Kok Joo is prone to recieve blessings of spills.
First, from the curry and then from the ais kacang.

And attacks of rabid camwhoring reindeer totally outshines everyone RAWR

You want Thai massage?

Fea getting very excited over her food

No party will be complete without a nice accusatory game of Murderer

Dev being perverse as usual

And randomly finding my long lost kindergarten friends!!!

Huge thanks to Beatrice and family for hosting a totally beawesome Christmas party of coolioness!

And also thanks to the mysterious person who bought me this for the gift exchange...

The Inaugural Asian British Parliamentary Debate Championship

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 13:59:00 +0000

In Chulalongkorn University, Bangkok, Thailand

British Parliamentary brings two people in a team to debate in a round of four teams fighting for the first ranking. It involves strategy, non-evident back stabbing and incessant reminding of each team's presence.

I was lucky enough to go to this tournament.

As part of the UKM Contigent

Our flight took us off Malaysian soil at around noon and after 2 hours we arrived in

...with it's Pink Taxis

...it's beautiful architecture

...full of spirit

...and mystique

...with a bustling night life.
(that isn't stifled by irrational religious conservatives)

Break Night

My debate is an unstable one. Something I've realised ever since the training camp just before exams began. Wanting something badly made me shoot up to 2nd place, however as easily as it can improve with determination, it can also spiral down with defeat.

The night after the final preliminary round, we were brought to a river and introduced to a Thai culture that paid homage to the river Goddess and appreciation for water.

Reflected upon the dark waters I saw nothing. I felt defeated during that round. Not because I felt outwitted by the competition. Not because I couldn't necessarily think of anything to say during my speech.

I felt defeated because I had no material to work with in my speech. What can a whip do in his speech if there was barely anything substantial in that room rebut. At what point did the sense of defeat started me on the spiral down to this level? The entire room was empty and substandard, and I felt as if being in that room reflected upon my ability.

We got first place for that round, but a shallow victory.

On another note, however, the people in that room were one of the friendliest I've met throughout the tournament. They were friendly even to each other during the round.

Was skill in one's speech inversely proportionate to how grounded one is? I've met several examples that refute that theory, however the snobbish effect I feel from the very few who are good leave an impression enough to create a tinge of fear to speak to those people, with fear of being patronised.

I shot these two cuties with a rifle. Apparently I'm quite good at shooting. Hmm.

I guess debate is unpredictable. Even as I look through the tabs, the best team didn't get first ranking all the way. Perhaps it takes a transcendent amount of skill for it to be predictable. Or maybe there's no such thing.

All I can do for myself is aim to improve the portions of my skillset that needs work.

Knowledge of current events in the world.

Thinking outside the box.

Thinking analytically and creatively.

Structure.

Better support and communication towards my team mates.

Friendlier and less bashful to socialise with the
other debaters from other universities.

Speaking of unpredictability, it ends up that our team broke to the octo finals.
We broke the 27th team, I remember feeling surprised, elated, and totally turned off by the fact that I still had to debate the next day.

I guess sometimes unpredictable things happen to your favour. =)

Championship Dinner

I remember being at awe when Ganeshry stood up and obliterated the government's case on genetically modified foods last Royals. As I watched the finals, I felt less at awe.

Hopefully it means the gap between that stage and me has narrowed, if not just a little.

Experiencing Bangkok with the company debaters

Perhaps it's time I become smarter. Like this guy.

Managing Emotions?

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 11:26:00 +0000

I thought that after Pendidikan Moral and Pengajian Am in secondary school that the government would stop forcing its students to study perfectly useless subjects. (even if it isn't useless, the way the syllabus is fashioned by whoever numbnuts that are involved within the ministry makes it useless.)

Then entering university I discovered I had to learn Tamadun Islam and Hubungan Etnik.

I personally don't really care about what a bunch of people did billions of years ago regardless of what basis you categorise them, whether by religion or otherwise. And even if I were to care about it, I do not see any benefit it will bring any of us.

If these courses are meant to bring about racial harmony, I simply salute the idiocy of the people sitting in the MOHE for thinking a few lectures given by an imbecile with fleas in his beard who throws pencils at you from the stage will improve racial harmony whatsoever.

After I was done with that in first year, I thought it was finally over. I thought that, finally, no more courses seething with the dripping scum of uselessness will ooze over my path.

Then I was forced to take "Managing Your Emotions".

The course involved some guy from Bangi blabbing random theories about emotion to us. I'm not even going to bring up the fact that he failed to show up for about 3 classes and didn't even tell us beforehand. But aside from the fact that they assign completely and utterly incompetent lecturers to teach these equally lackluster subjects (which takes a way even more incentive for us to give a shit) the syllabus they prepare doesnt achieve their objective at the end of the day.

Example:

Primary Emotions - The Pros and Cons

Pros

Nervous system and neural structure capable of mediating few emotions.
(I have no idea why this is a pro. There's nothing evidently pro-ish about this statement. It's just a neutral statement that doesn't make me like primary emotions more or think it's very useful)

Cons

No such thing as "primary emotion"
This is when you hear "Kua Kua Kua" playing in the background with a broken wind instrument.

Why are you telling me about something that doesnt exist???

A question from the exam

Apakah emosi di atas?
A. bimbang
B. gembira
C. takut
D. dulan

There's nothing wrong with the format of question per se, but the picture they gave was severely distorted and they didn't give "constipated" as one of the options. Oh ya that's not an emotion.

But then again if since "constipated" is propagated by the nervous system it is a primary emotion and there's no such thing anyway so who cares.

.
.
.

Next semester I have to go through "Managing Time".

If they teach me about the theory of time and space I would be half interested. Then again these people are idiots so they will probably ask me to write down what I do each day every 15 minutes in some diary thing.

Inilah varsiti kita.

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 06:25:00 +0000

Many things approaching

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 04:26:00 +0000

Need to finish urinary. And respiratory. And implant it all in my head by the time the clock strikes 2 this coming Thursday.

Study week on the second November starts. Remnants of Blood and Lymph and CVS haunts me.

Debate after that. Plethora of information needs to be sucked up before heading into the battlefield.

Why cant I just be pretty and marry into royalty and live happily ever after.

Oh yeah because that's boring.

Nevermind.

A note: Maxis Broadband is being a totaly friggin bitch. Blessing in disguise?

This House Will Arm Local Militia to Fight the Taliban

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 09:25:00 +0000

So now they want to give guns to the locals to help fight the Taliban.

Because they don't have enought police.

Because violence is increasing.

Because the locals can supply intelligence and know the ins and outs of their own village.

Because it worked in Iraq.

But people are worried about

Starting a civil war amongst Afghans

Bringing in even more weapons into the region.

I wonder if the Taliban are open to negotiations.

Mwahahaha I've finished my homework! This is just an excuse to post a doodle RAWR

This World

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 02:15:00 +0000

This world I live in.
Beating in its veins only superficial feelings
the blood of lust coursing through its circuit
as it bleeds through the skin
as bodies caress
it leaves me in pallor
with nothing left.

My faith is languishing.

I want to know what love is.
I want you to show me.

...speaking of which, the new Mariah album sucks phenomenally. Like, srsly.

Awesome Bottle

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Tan) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 07:13:00 +0000

with free hypnotising design

+

sharpener with wood shavings
(accidentally given, of course)
=)