Feel the Girl

Writer's Block: App Appreciation

elleabea — Fri, 07 May 2010 15:47:44 GMT

Of course it was sponsored by Sprint. I am not liking this question. Booo.

So much to say...

elleabea — Fri, 07 May 2010 15:46:44 GMT

Where to begin.

So this is the deal with me and my live journal. When my life is in shambles and rambles I get on here and the vomit just leaps from my fingers. I can't shut up. The thing now is, I'm not upset, unhappy or confused. Today I actually feel relieved. Like I've been set free. Like I can begin again.

My birthday is coming (again) and normally this is the moment of most introspection for me. I'm not doing that shit this year. I don't care that I'm turning 28. I don't want to reflect on goals I've met or not met, I just want the 24th to slip quietly into the 25th.

I'm focused man.

Super focused on my focus. My focus of being successful. Nothing else matters. Nothing else should. I basically took a vow of selfishness this morning and I swear to see it out til the end. I am generally a pretty driven individual, but I can say with conviction, I've been completely drawn off course for the past six months. My own doing. So now I get to undo it. I get to right my wrongs. Or at least ignore the wrongs and move on like they never happened.

I read a great blog post by a good friend today, who commented that you cannot know where you're going with out a vision. In fact, the bible says without a vision the people will perish. I've always been pretty clear about my vision. But somewhere in it playing out I alone, allowed it to get clouded, murky even. I started thinking maybe my original vision, should be modified, adjusted, abandoned.

Meaning what? Meaning I can change. Meaning I can make a more meaningful commitment to myself. This year so far I've committed to everyone but me. The moment it dawned on me that I had somehow strayed from my purpose in the process was powerful. Poignant.

Right now I am sitting at my desk absolutely full. Full of possibility and excited by them all. There was a moment when I wanted to scream defeat, tuck in my tail and retreat. What I am realizing is I am stronger than I've ever given myself credit for. I have a bad habit of looking to other for my strength, never reflecting inward. It's time for me to challenge myself to rise to the occasion. I know I can.

elleabea — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 06:47:31 GMT

RT @renreport: I defy you to watch this and tell me Marc Jacobs isn't positively BRILLIANT:::Louis Vuitton at Spring 2010 Fashion... http://ff.im/fzTwD

Louis Vuitton at Spring 2010 Fashion Week

Posted using ShareThis

elleabea — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 06:35:18 GMT

Chic Report TV

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Birthday Hangover

elleabea — Tue, 26 May 2009 15:57:25 GMT

The great thing about being born on May 24, is that my b'day usually falls on Memorial Day weekend as it did this year. Basically giving me an extra day to celebrate. However, amidst all of the gathering and socializing, what I did not do was really reflect on where I am at 27 years.

This was quasi intentional. I realized as the birthday began to approach that I didn't want to give too much thought to what it meant to be 27 years old. Knowing me I would focus so much more on what I've yet to accomplish. What milestones I've yet to meet. Dwelling on my shortcomings was not something I was interested in giving any retrospection. Yet now that the birthday has come and gone, it seems moot that I didn't take the time to reflect. Figure out what I want to achieve in the next year-set any goals give myself a bar to reach up to.

At 27 I still carry a great deal of fear. It's irrational but it exists. What if I set a goal I don't reach? At 27 I am realizing I have to move far out of my comfort zone. What is keeping me from doing anything is an overwhelming feeling of complacency. Like I am good where I am at in life now, but there is a larger feeling of how much more I can do. However, instead of further lamentation over the obvious, I am going to just go out and do it.

More on Monagamy

elleabea — Fri, 22 May 2009 20:32:20 GMT

See...this is EXACTLY what I am talking about.
http://community.livejournal.com/blackfolk/7385482.html

Writer's Block: There Can Be Only One

elleabea — Fri, 22 May 2009 20:19:28 GMT

How funny this is today's question. Because I don't. And its not because I don't think people CAN be monogamous, but I don't think that is the natural order of things. I want to point out I'm saying this as a very happy newlywed. Well not new, its been a year. But as much as I love my hubby, I still think, ooh that guy has really kissable lips. Wouldn't it be nice to just plant one on him?!

I don't know, maybe its all of the Elizabeth Edwards interviews I watched last week, but it just seems like you're asking someone to do the impossible to never ever step out on you. It doesn't have to be sexual, betrayal comes in all forms. I see marriage as a committment to build a life together more than a lifetime agreement that my body only belongs to you and you only. That goes against my concept of myself as this universally loving soul, who wants to love and be loved by as many people as possible.

I'm rambling b/c this has really been on my mind lately. I have no legitimate desire to be with a man who isn't my husband, but what if I did? Does that automatically mean I love him less? That our history is corrupted and disposed of? I hate the word infidelity. I don't think the worst thing my husband can do to me is sleep with another woman. I think it would be to sleep with her raw and then give me some contractable disease that turns my ovaries inside out. I think him hitting me or refusing to get a job, or so many other scenarios are much worse.

I'm not an advocate for an open marriage either. My personal opinion is society puts so many demands on what a marriage must be. Am I cheating when I have a really intimate intellectual conversation with a random man I meet in the coffee house who is reading the same book I am? I ask b/c the whole experience turned me on. Not in the I want to hump and jump you kind of way, but like wow, how stimulating. What a brother....

Maybe something is wrong with me and my very far flung concept of self. T liken myself to a muse who can use the beauty of their song, or the grace of their dance to heal the sick and comfort the heartbroken. This is my calling. I refuse to believe in forced notions of marriage that would deter me from loving, inspiring and comforting as many people as possible. Mongamy, schmogamy.

Bougie vs. Broke Negroes

elleabea — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 06:56:55 GMT

IMHO, it seems that once us black folks get money we immediately stop keeping it real. Why is is that in the process of going from ashy to class, it seems we totally lose ourselves in the process?! Has anyone else experienced what it is I speak of? And I'm not talking Bill Gates money, I'm talking about a slight come up. Which makes it even worse altogether. Should have never gave you n!gg@$ money.

x posted cause I'm curious.

Thus far in 2009, I have no complaints.

elleabea — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 07:24:18 GMT

Truly, its been a great first 4 days into 2009. The one new feeling I've encountered is adultness. All of a sudden I feel so responsible, and really that has traditionally been not me. I think its the difference between just wanting more, and knowing what it is that you really want. Outside of straight physical objects, having goals, etc. Yeah I guess thats it. So I had much more to say and write about all that I'm feeling in the new year, but I feel silly doing it knowing my intention for sitting down at the PC was to do all of the work I neglected to do while I was watching both my teams get their asses handed back broke. Fin.

Back for the first time, Again!

elleabea — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 18:04:15 GMT

I’ve not blogged in a severely long time and I have been meaning to. Nothing like humiliating events to make you want to course through every thought, good and bad, in a journal. For a simplified update, I am a writer who has landed my first magazine gig at Upscale Magazine as an editorial assistant. I only work part time, which is nice since I have half my day to myself to work on other projects. I’ve been married going on 8 months as of December 20th. Married life is good, its something new everyday.
Other than that I’m sure there isn’t much more happening in my life than in yours. Bad economy, fear of losing the job I do have, how will we pay the rent, how can I find better and more employment. All of those things. And also the coming holidays and Barack Obama’s inauguration. I’m pretty excited about both events even though I have no idea how I will fund them. Someone told me yesterday that I am in self discovery. I hope that is good and what I discover doesn’t frighten or kill me. I do have a mindset that no job is going to be as good as the one I create myself. Other than that, it’s the same ramblings of the inner mind as always. But I won’t bore everyone with my angst. It’s not a mature look at all. And I am rapidly realizing I’m rapidly approaching 30,therefore trying to act my age. Whatever that means.

H'ow do you pack for your wedding?

elleabea — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 06:03:07 GMT

I keep putting off packing b/c I'm concerned I'll leave something I really need in Atlanta. I'm sure thats a sign for something. I'm not nervous. At least I don't feel nervous, or unless those nerves are manifesting themselves in some un expected way. But honestly I just feel fine.

So now I have to move to making a list, checking it twice and zipping the bag. And then I wait. For whatever happens next. I think its the feeling of knowing the trip I'm going on doesn't end. I never come back.

And also, I caught glimpses of the Ms. Supreme Rap show last night. I'm listening to some new chick from overseas named Estelle. What I want to know is, why if you are a female rapper, must you be hard, spit nigga nigga nigga shit, or be skanked up out left and right. No sense of propriety or self.

I know commerically because the alternative isn't made available to the market. However, I believe there are bomb female MC's out there, who may also sing or play, and keep it real, and aren't afraid to express femininity in their art. I think there is something really beautiful about that.

This FDLS thing has me zonin, and really thinking about what it means to be a woman these days. Not a woman in America, just a woman.

Did anyone see Roots on Colbert Report?! God Bless America.

Don't quit your day job

elleabea — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 18:46:04 GMT

I know, I know I haven't updated in half past forever, but I'm doing the 9-5 thing, and the benefits of an office job are unlimited time to be on the internet goofing the eff off. Which is what I'm doing. I've been here since 7:30a. And I worked dilligently through 1pm, where I took launch by snoozing in the back seat of my car and listening to Al Sharpton. These are lifes little pleasures.

So now I've committed to myself to doing not a cot damn thing else today. Seriously. I'm not. After this LJ post, I'm back to Gilt Groupe for some fantasy shopping. I'm going to enter some booking reports into the data base and after thatg nothing. And I'm only doing that to keep up the illusion of work. Ooh goody its already 2:21p so my plan is working. I'm outta here at 4:30 and off to GaTech to participate in a memory study which they pay me $20.I mean thats half a tank of gas these days. Between that and the $60 bones I made babysitting last night, I've got weekend money. And normally there would be no weekend that didn't include being on my couch surfing between CNN, Comedy Central and E!, but the home skillets will be landing at Hartsfield around 8:30. Tomorrow is my bridal shower, and I'm beyond pleased that my friends will be here in Atlanta with me for a weekend. That alone is the best gift ever.

The wedding is less than a month a way. And I'm not excited only b/c I'm broke and ready for it to be April 21. I would have been married Jarv, and now we've gotten into this drawn out and very expensive process.

But here's a nice picture of me trying my dress on for the first time.

As overwhelming, daunting, annoying the whole process has been, I know without doubt we are going to have a phenomenal wedding day. For me its just the fact that at least for one day I will be surrounded by all of my closest friends and family. And we'll all be pretty hammered.

Whats your philosophy on life?

elleabea — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 08:40:36 GMT

A friend of mine and fellow LJ Homie, asked me what my philosophy on life was. This is what I came up with:

If I had to identify a philosophy for my life it would center around living live in faith and not fear. To live authentically and to strive for my truest self. To create and or be the changes I want to see in my life and my community, and to be a blessing to others since I have been so immensley blessed in so many ways in my own life.

To live beneath my means, and persue and redefine happiness everyday.

A lot of this stems from my re-reading of one of the most amazing books I've ever come across, titled Being Black: Zen and the Art of Living with Fearlessness and Grace. By author and spiritualist Angel Kyodo Williams. What amazes me about this book is how she puts zen teaching in the context of African-American living. There is no textbook example for Black life, but a lot of what she touches on are deeply rooted ideas, that many of us have either heard, experienced, or seen.

As I mentioned this was my second reading of the book and this time her words leapt off the page at me. The first time I was so confused and upset about the direction of my life, I was reading the book as a manual to mend the broken pieces. However, now I read it with openness. Not looking for any specific way, path, or idea, but just purely for educational purposes. I received so much from her words this time around, I’m already considering reading it again.

In addition, Barack Obama, gave what I think was the grandest speech I’ve ever heard delivered by a politician in my lifetime today. I am not moved by the Gettysburg Address, and MLK’s I Have a Dream speech has been so bastardized by the media and ill intented politicians its hard to reflect on it objectively any more.

But today Obama put it all out there. I’m not feeling encouraged by his discourse because I want to see him become the nation’s next president, but because as a person of color in America, its beyond refreshing to know there’s a political leader out there who really understands the complexity of race when it comes to America. And furthermore, isn’t afraid to speak to it. Its not something that is easy to do. As Obama said, most of our racial views are not discussed in polite company and in my opinion it’s a main reason why our nation languishes as a modern day society. But truth isn’t always comfortable, and in my experience, it’s when we embrace the uncomfortable that we grow as people. Confronting our fears only reveals to us there was nothing to be afraid of at the outset.

We have legitimate problems that need concerted attention within our country and race is only one of them. I truly believe however, when we lose the us vs them mentality most of us have, whether its I’m rich, you’re not, I’m young, you’re old, I’m from the city, and you’re country, we’ll make significant progress. When we let go of these faulty ideals we cling to in the name of “our beliefs”, we will take the steps needed to mend our country together.

Anyone who thinks America is a perfect nation is only fooling themselves. As individuals we have to want to end the disconnect. We have to want to see hungry people get fed. Abused children find safe homes, and illiterate men and women to have access to education, and an environment that will help them develop skills. We live in a nation that could end poverty for everyone with in our borders, but most of us can’t see past ourselves and our individual desires to help someone less fortunate than we. When that veil is removed, our nation will progress.

I feel so privileged to live in the time that I do. No matter who becomes president, theres a greater higher force ruling my existence, and I commit myself to changing the attitudes of people by living the best life that I can. A life that is cemented in my very rich heritage, but it by no means chained to it.

I’m beyond thankful that recent political events are ushering a much needed dialogue about race in America. I’m looking forward to seeing how it unfolds. Every single One of us will be better for it.

Go see pirates of the carribean

elleabea — Sat, 08 Jul 2006 20:04:54 GMT

I am estatic I am one of those people who caught the midnight showing of Pirates. It was so good, its what a good Disney movie should be.

I am seriously loafing today but trying to do a few productive tasks in the meanwhile. I am thinking I should start a financial diary since I am now committing myself to getting out of debt. I am on a double dose Suze Orman's Young, Fabulous and Broke, and Girl Get Your Money right...or something similiarly slngy and sisterly, by Glinda Bridforth? I am actually excited about tackling this project. It seems like the most worthwile side stint I could commit the next nine months to. Its like this super crowning Goal I have and can't wait to achieve. And my reward will be a trip to South Africa to the next world cup, that I will be able to aford, and not go in debt because of.

I think going to Chicago last weekend may have really snapped something in me as Jarvis suggested. It snapped a few things, and now instead of depressing me they are making me think. Think about what I want to be and want to have and how I will get there from here. I will change my situation if I change my behavior. It almost sounds like I'm committing to twelve steps, but I am starting to see making any major change in ones life is not accomplished by making grandiose and shallow changes to ones approach to the situation, but really addressing the most minute aspects of the dilemmas. Enough on that.

So now I must go to http://www.bofa.com, and check my account balances so I can budget the rest of my weekend and tomorrows tithes.

I know I've been type MIA

elleabea — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 02:53:26 GMT

Or incognegro as I was also called. But its been for a good reason. Professional Development. Check out my site that I built.
http://www.theren.net

#1 Shout out going to my west coast homie R. Thomas

elleabea — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 15:53:57 GMT

I just did some back reading of friends pages. And the reality is, is that I have not posted much in all of 2006, because I knew all I would write about was Steve and how great having a real fuffiling relationship is. And well after the now pointless drama of my libra, I felt a little uneasy about filling my journal up with the endless musings of how great love is.

That is until I read back over the entries of the world famous intlpopstar. I am so freaking happy for you, b/c basically the same thing is happening to me.

Steve and I met in 2003, when I was super un happy with my life but faking it well. I took a job downtown working in a new bar, where Steve was the bartender. I used to enjoy talking to him, I liked how he would always touch me really sweetly. But I never considered anything outside of a guy I worked with. He had a girlfirend, I was with Jason (ugh.)We never hung out after work or anything. However after he left the job we stayed in touch, hanging out every now and then. And we always had a great time. So somehow during the first week of January, Steve got it in his mind that I was the ideal girl for him, and we've been together ever since.

Jarv and I have really gotten to this point where we see how blessed we are to have each other, and just want to be husband and wife. Loving someone, and having them genuinely love you back is the most amazing feeling. I love waking up to him, I love rearranging my schedule to spend tiem with him, I love talking about our future. I thank God everyday because I kissed too many frogs looking for my prince. Speaking of which Steve is taking me to see Prince tomorrow night, OMG!OMG! I've never seen Prince live, ever! My life will be complete on Friday. Standby for pics.

Anyone heard about this?

elleabea — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 15:04:59 GMT

DAMAN WAYANS ACTIONS SHOULD BE AN INSULT TO ALL SELF-RESPECTING AFRICAN
AMERICANS

By H. Lewis Smith

Los Angeles, CA (BlackNews.com) - As a comedian and actor Daman Wayans is
about as good as they come, however and unfortunately, for the past 14
months Daman Wayans has been trying to trademark the term "Nigga" for a
clothing line and retail store and so far his application is being denied,
citing the word as being immoral, scandalous and disparaging. It is a sad
day in America when the system has to save us from ourselves. Have we become
our own worse enemy?

The N-word. Everyone knows it, but many will not use it. Except for African
Americans. They seem to have no problem using this derogatory term within
their communities and as part of their culture. Needless to say, that in
light of the explosive use of the word on rapper CD's, the green light has
officially been given to other races to freely use the word...and they do.
"Bury That Sucka", a new novel, and non-fictional account of a scandalous,
strange love affair that the black community has with the N-word, has just
hit bookstores.

There are those African Americans who simply do not get it or don't want to
get it...for almost 400 years they have been programmed and conditioned to
relate to the N-word and now find themselves inseparable from it. Back in
1945 when the Black soldiers returned home from WWII-after fighting for
their country-they were greeted with jeers of don't forget "You will always
be a nigger". Year 2006, 61 years later there are those African Americans
who have not forgot and still identify with this word and will go to any
length to justify their embracing and affectionate use of a word that they
have been programmed to identify with for almost 400 years.

For the African American users of the N-word who see nothing wrong in
referring to themselves as niggas try approaching a Jew and refer to them
affectionately as a kike or hymie, or a Latino as a wetback or approach a
police officer and call him a pig and then tell them its okay-its just a
word-and you should not mind being referred to in such a manner.

Of course you would not dare...because these people would immediately be up
in arms against you. Yes! They think too much of themselves to go around
degrading and demeaning themselves and will not allow you to degrade and
demean them, their standards are way too high and they have too much
self-respect to allow that to happen.

African American users of the N-word on the other hand have no self-respect,
self-esteem is virtually non-existent combined with self-hatred, have set
and accepted the lowest of standards for themselves and wonder why...they
can garner no respect from other races.

This mindless act of self-contempt should be totally unacceptable by those
African Americans who are not confused and do have high self-esteem and
opinion of themselves as well as of their rich, rewarding history and
tradition. Lest not forget that silence implies approval and acceptability.
A national hot-line has been established to explore what can be done to stem
this escalating tide of traveling down the road of self-disrespect and
self-contempt.

If you are interested in taking part in a national movement to derail the
current trend...of an indigenous lackadaisical attitude with regards to
self-respect, pride, dignity, integrity and strength of character...please
go to my website, click on the Contact Us page let your feelings be known
and information will be forwarded to you as to how to gain access to the
national hot-line. Do not think for one moment that you are helpless and can
do nothing about this insane, contemptible, self-defeating usage of the
N-word; you have more power than you realize. Let's learn to work together
to raise the bar towards higher excellence and standards. No longer should
we be content and complacent with wallowing in the mire of lower standards
than the rest of the human race.

H. Lewis Smith is the author of "Bury That Sucka". To learn more about him
and his book, visit his web site: <http://www.burythatsucka.com/>
www.burythatsucka.com

Thanks to his_influence for making me feel missed.

elleabea — Sun, 12 Feb 2006 02:56:33 GMT

I got a nudge...didn't know you could do that on LJ. Well most immediately I'm coming down from cloud 9 as me and Steve the man I'm seeing pretty intensley celebrated Valentines Day last night. He told me to get dressed up, picked me up in a limo, took me to a restaurant over looking the city of Atlanta and Buckhead where we ate seafood appetizers adn drank wine and cocktails. The server gave me a bouquet of flowers right before we left. We then went to dinner at McCormick and Schmicks-honestly at this point I was so insanely turned on that he went through all of this, of which I had no idea what was planned for the evening, I just wanted to fast forward to the end part of the itienerary. We left dinner and the limo took us up to the Georgian Terrace Hotel, which is the oldest most famous of Atlanta hotels and spent the night, he bought me an alarm clock for my ipod, a black babydoll nightie from VS and a matching thong. It was insane. Our room had a little balcony you could step on and our room looked east down Ponce-you could see all the way to Decatur. Soo we spent the night in what felt like a super luxurious 1 br apartment.

Still this incredible experience was completely trivialized to its ultimate meaning when I came home and found out a close girlfriend of mine lost her baby, and shes 5 weeks from her due date. This is a woman who lived to be a mother. Another friend went into labor 2.5 weeks early and delivered a baby she carried uncertainly for only 2 months because she didn't know she was preganant until she was four months along. She was immediately put on bedrest, and didn't tell any of us she was expecting because her doctors were unsure she would carry the baby to term. She didn't, but her baby is alive and incredibly alert considering she is only 3lbs.

I don't know what it all means right now, and I'm incredibly moved to see them both. I've been longing for the companionship of my women friends lately and I wonder if in some twisted way, life is forcing me to their sides, for my growth, learning, and healing, and theirs.

My profession ya know?

elleabea — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 18:57:09 GMT

"Why bother with newspapers, if this is all they offer? Agnew was right. The press is a gang of cruel faggots. Journalism is not a profession or a trade. It is a cheap catch-all for fuckoffs and misfits— a false doorway to the backside of life, a filthy piss-ridden little hole nailed off by the building inspector, but just deep enough for a wino to curl up from the sidewalk and masturbate like a chimp in a zoo-cage."
- Hunter S. Thompson

elleabea — Tue, 17 Jan 2006 20:22:36 GMT

Am happy to report things are great as ever with me and libra. What is so great is that I ultimately decided,he and I MUST be friends. And what a great firendship we have-you need a friend that will get in your ass when you're being neurotic, start each morning singing princes greatest hits with you and practice "doin it" by mirroring each other, and hold their finger on your throat and nose to make sure you're inhaling your nary smoke properly. God bless America.

The other more important reason I'm harping on the friend note is my friend of 4 years Jarv is showing interest in me now..and I'm honestly not mad about it. Here's why:

Like all women, I've fantasized about my ideal man, who will wine me, dine me....and just spoil me unconditionally. Jarv is totally that guy. Back in 04 he and I had a talk that made me wildly uncomfortable-b/c I realized that he liekd me and I was still caught up on Ryan. http://www.livejournal.com/users/elleabea/2004/02/16/
But now everything has changed. Literally. I realized this weekend that I am NOT one of those women who always finds herself involved. To date I've had two real relationships, and they both started out as friendships. Angelina says she is known for falling in love with her co-workers, I'm known for falling for my guy friends. And I personally think there is a major benefit in me doing so. In my realization that I'm not a serial relationship type chick I also realized when it comes to guys I really have the emotional capabiiity of a 12 year old. Real shit. I can talk to anyone about anything, however, when it comes to guys I become extremely shy. It takes me forever to warm up to men and feel comfortable enough to really allow them to see the real Lauren. In Steve's case he's seen the real Lauren for damn near 4 years now. And that makes me incredibly open to something blossoming between him and I.

Jarv makes me feel amazing. And inlight of my new found understanding of my approach to dating its actually relieving that a decent man, who I feel comfortable around, who massages my feet before bed, and won't let me leave the house without at least a glass of juice in the morning, and insists on taking me to nice dinners is attracted to me.

My main frustration with dating is that whole awkward period you go through. Its very difficult to find someone who at a minimal level interests you. Its only been a week or so, that we've been spening more time together, and already I'm addicted to the feeling of him holding me while I sleep. I came into work today and all I could think was how I wanted to be back in bed in his arms. I could still feel them around me. I'm so open to this whole experience, its unbelieveable.

I know what I need from a man to be happy, and Jarv is already hitting on around 65%. I'm incredibly affectionate, so I need someone who constantly hugs and kisses me like Jarv does, who makes me cd's, who looks at me like I'm the most beautiful thing they've ever seen. Heres to being a hopeless romantic, because our little idealistic dreams can come true.

Thought I'd share with the congregation.

elleabea — Tue, 03 Jan 2006 01:05:16 GMT

I learned a lot in 2005.

I can call this the year of education. Truly. In 2005, I’ve learned:
#1 Perspective is the basis of overcoming every situation.
There were times during this year where I truly felt I had hit rock bottom. But it was in those moments that I learned to open my eyes and see a situation for what it really is. Some people make careers out of worrying and complaining. What we all know at this point, is there are unpleasantries in life. So when we face these life challenges, we must make a conscious decision to learn from whatever it is we’re going through. We become defeatist when we begin to lament about how tough this world is, how unfair, and how hard life is. Life is hard? Compared to what?

If you choose to see the positive even in the worst circumstances, bad situations automatically become good. And that is all due to perspective.

#2 I’ve been looking for leadership, and leadership is me.
I got lost during the latter part of 2005. So when I realized I was lost, me being the thinker that I am, had to really analyze how I wound up lost. Where was I trying to go? And did I stray? Did someone thwart my path without my knowledge? What I eventually came to, is that my problems began, when I put my faith in everyone but myself. And I know I’m an exceptionally capable person. So why would I trust someone else with my life and livelihood? Ludicrous.

#3 Its time to grow up and get what I want out of life.
I’m in my 20’s so I’m really caught between the longing for childhood, and the obvious next step which is becoming an adult. Now what I’m learning about that is, there is no proper standard for what adult life must be. However, it does require one to be responsible for all of their actions, that is the individual difference between an adult and a child.

#4 Men are necessary parts of life, just don’t fool yourself about what or whom you’re dealing with.
The funny thing about this lesson is that I actually learned it from my father. I was realizing that I was having some pretty general problems with men. And I asked myself who should I look to for help? A man obviously, but what man would educate me and could I also trust? In advertently during this time, my father gave me a damn near brand new car. Now, I have went through times with my dad where I wanted to x him out of my life completely and keep it moving the other way. As a child I was terrified of my father and his disciplinarian ways. Still, he had his fun Daddy Cosby moments until our family split when I was 10. And my father became less of a fixture. However, what I discovered was, is my father is not a bad man. The situations he and I have been forced to endure, and overcome, were destined to happen. And in turn they have made each of us the strong people we are today.

We all must have a father…even if our parents are gay, the sperm and egg that kicked off our life process had to come from a man and a woman. Having said that realize whether you love, hate, or don’t know your father he, whoever he is, whoever you consider is the dad, is the primary male figure in your life-setting the tone for how you will accept, appreciate, even approach every OTHER male you meet in your life. Like it or not, nature has provided you with this person. You need him in order to be you.

As a woman, I am forced to deal with men as the creatures I’m passionately attracted to. I’ve gone through three real relationships in my 24 years, and I’ve gone through enough crash and burn mini marriages and on again off again dating scenarios to know, men are the most necessary creatures on earth for the straight single woman.

However, when it comes to men, you cannot blind yourself to what or whom you are dealing with. With my father, I feel a $30,000 car is only the beginning of a list of things I’m owed from adolescence spent without him, and a string of screwed up male experiences I could have avoided with his guidance. But who I’m dealing with is a man, who’s generosity truly knows no limits, but is a very tough love, no bullshit type of individual. Someone who is extremely sensitive, but will whip your ass verbally or physically, just let him know which one you’ll enjoy least. So if I have any delusions of taking for granted this gift he’s recently bestowed upon me for granted. I’ve got another thing coming, and probably a hurt feeling or two.

Men on the dating scene are no different. And what makes them such an important commodity is that we as humans are designed to desire companionship. Even more so than desire it but actually have it! We as women just need to open our eyes and recognize when we are dealing with Mr. Hit it and Quit or the D-boy with three other chicks he keeps on hand. And when we recognize who we’re dealing don’t accept the knowledge you can out the other three chicks and keep your hustler happy. Because men are necessary we owe it to ourselves and the decent, sexy, goal-oriented, brothers out there to know what type of man works best for us, and what type of relationship we truly thrive in.

So fucking thankful.

elleabea — Tue, 27 Dec 2005 10:21:22 GMT

And its odd I can say that after the crash and burn landing that was the end of 2005. I mean we completely missed the runway on this one folks. However, no matter what kind of year I have, December is always a revelatory month for me, and this one has been no different. You know you want to go out on a good note and all that jazz. So inspired by SP, I’ve been working on a post in MS Word called lessons learned. I think I’ll post it when I wake up from the haze of NYE.

**This is a faux newz alert, if you escape you deserve to be free**

Moving on, what has primarily contributed to my newfound soon to be unfettered in 2006 happiness, was the simple realization that my life can’t possibly go in any other direction than the one its headed in. That’s not to say I’m on a permanent collision course in life, but I enrolled in the school of pre-determination. So everything that is happening to me is a part of the greater plan yet to be revealed to me.

I’m thankful that I realized all I had to do was open my eyes, and see that everything I’ve ever wanted is right in front of me. Libra played a big role in this, b/c a portion of my recent unhappiness has been that he and I haven’t been getting on as we normally do. I’ve come to understanding where he is concerned as well. Because he is the greatest friend I have. We all long for the people or persons who we can be completely ourselves around. And that’s what he is for me and nothing more. When I realized that it was like our relationship evolved overnight, back into the comforting, peace giving union it was at its incept.

That’s all for now, I was reading Seneca’s journal and was amazed at her knack for being informative, entertaining, and even more important concise.

Growth is such a painful and necessary process

elleabea — Sat, 19 Nov 2005 20:42:08 GMT

And pain isn’t always a bad thing.

I think I’ve discovered the issue that most artists have. When you create at first, you are always creating for yourself. You’re making art to satisfy your creative desires. Then you develop and audience, and then making the art becomes a quest to satisfy those that consume your art. And in that process most artists get lost (ahem: Nas) and it takes them continuing to create to go back to the original emotion that pushed them to create soley for their own personal satisfaction.

I’m that artist that is lost. My journal used to be this highly therapeutic place for me to vent and keep my sanity. And then at some point, I felt I had to meet some standard for those I know who read it. My life-while going well now, and satisfying me for the most part, seems like its on a similar path, at some point, I stopped living for me, and started living for others, and that has brought me some emotional confusion as of late. I honestly, don’t even want to begin the process of getting myself found, b/c I fluctuate between, super stable and raw nerve lately. More to the super stable side tho. However, I will have those days where I just burst into tears. I allow it to subside and bring myself back to equilibrium.

Still, I have to ask, what I are these random outbursts about? And what can I do to heal them? And I don’t know. I know the source of my pain, but I don’t know how to heal it. In some ways I don’t think I can. But I do know I need to find my raison d’etre. I need to fix my art.

That’s all for now.

I rob in my black tee

elleabea — Sat, 01 Oct 2005 19:12:44 GMT

I’m good for telling people they need to get black tee about a situation and make something happen. Well I am great for taking my own advice today. Cute black muscle tee and all!

I am REALLY feeling better. Not in that way where two hours later I post that I spent the previous two hours crying, b/c I was only saying that to convince myself that I was feeling better. I stayed in last night, after much talk of how I needed to get out and party. When what I really needed to do was stay home and take care of me. Get my mind right so to speak. I got home from being at 13 hours stint at Ian’s apartment about 4 am Friday morning. I took a shower and lay down, and thought about my grandmother who died my senior year-that I was super close to. I started bawling and wailing.

It began b/c I was thinking of how much I missed her (Note: I had just read some spiritual texts that said, when you go over to the other side, you are conscious of where you are, like I know I’m on earth right now, but there is an invisible realm that keeps you from interacting with the undead…if that was too much for you I apologize.) then I thought about how my life seemed so flawless when she was here, and how if she saw what my life was now she would be beyond disappointed, then I thought about all the sacrifices and trials she and my grandfather probably went through so I could have a better life. And after thinking that, I really felt like shit, b/c I’ve always felt that while I wasn’t the richest bastard on the block, I certainly have been given a lot. Enough that at 23 I shouldn’t be sitting under my comforter hiding from the world, wallowing in my own self doubt and insignificance. I kept crying until I got it all out, b/c I knew I needed to have these feelings if I was really going to start feeling whole again.

I woke up Friday morning around 9-made plans to get my car out of the shop and made a commitment to myself to be on some renegade carpe diem from here on out. After a little confusion, I was able to pick my car up and was ecstatic that my baby was driving better than ever with a new battery, fresh oil, and new front brakes. (Surprise, surprise my rear brakes are off the chain now, but I’ll get to it when I can.) Oh and I still have no drivers side window, but I’ll get that taken care of too. In fact, a lot of people offered to help me out, and I was so hesitant to take it. But if anyone wants to donate to getting my window fixed. (It’s going to cost $165) I’d be really grateful.

Today I’m in the office, getting shit done and it feels marvelous. I have no where to be, so I’m actually excited to sit here and write and draw up some proposals for potential clients. Last night while I was relaxing, I drew up an entire campaign for someone I had been meeting with about an hour before I got arrested. They are aware of my situation, and I pray (and you please do to) that they won’t not want to work with me because of what happened. This has the potential to be a lucrative and on long term account and it will really get the ball of my business rolling if she decides to move forward with me.

So that’s the skinny. I’m glad to report that I’m good. Really good. And more importantly I’m back!

Meme

elleabea — Wed, 21 Sep 2005 17:33:01 GMT

LJ Interests meme results

beach:
The beach makes me feel so whole. I don't know if its because I'm a gemini, or that my earliest years were spent around Charleston in the coastal regions of SC. But I feel complete when I'm there. I detest being naked, and you couldn't pay me to keep my clothes on when I ocean side.
black people:
I grew up around white people most of my years from 5th grade until 12th. Outside of chruch and my moms homies, everyone I knew was white. After leaving to go to college, I felt like I was transported to another world, b/c when I got to school all my friends were black, and I literally had to learn another culture. At the same time it was really comforting, b/c I saw a lot of my home life refelcted in my peers, which was something that always made me feel like and outsider when I was in school.(I had someone come over my house and say-"you actually dirnk kool-aid?" WTF?!) As a result though, I developed this incredible love for myself, and anyone else who can relate to our plight.
cheers:
Its my favorite sitcom, and I'm not even sure why. I remember it came on after the Cosby Show. And when Nick at Nite was doing their muhphukkin job, and playing it regularly I was quite pleased. But now I can deal with NightCourt, its equally as humorous but its no Cheers.
cuddling:
I love being held. This is funny b/c request for holding have gone up and yet, I have no one to cuddle with. I'm really in this if you dont' know me. And I mean known me in a excess of 3 months. Do not put you ficking hands on me. And sadly I see a lot of people are having problems following the rules.
days of our lives:
I haven't watched Days in a hot minute, but from about 98-2003 I was a fanatical avid watcher. I would watch it now, but I don't own a TV and the stroylines seem to be getting worse and worse. But I love soaps. Y&R is still decent.
hopeless romantics:
Its funny, b/c I haven't updated my interests since I started my LJ-and I def don't think this one describes me anymore.
jay-z:
Because all things Jay-Z are pure and right. I hate that he has to live under the guise as being the greatest rapper alive-because I feel he has proven himself to be just as good if not better than Big or Pac. Not only that, but he has been successful at everything he's ever done. He's the new face of black music. That nigga jigga.
la chat:
I don't even know what I meant by this...cats? I like them.
marijuana:
Aww, the joys of herbal relaxers. Trees are just good for your spirit. No need to really elaborate on this.
nyc:
The first 8 of these were decent picks, but now this thing is getting shitty. I like nEw York for all of its culture, but its not a superemly huge interest of mine. I'm hoping to move there at the end of the year for a few months, so maybe then I will fall inlove with NY, I like the city, but I don't LOVE the city. And I know there is a lot to love. That Amex Deniro commercial is off the chain.

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.