Kid Sis in Hollywood

Morphicon Convention next weekend!

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Sat, 16 Aug 2014 22:05:00 +0000

Okay Power Rangers fans...who am I going to see next weekend in Pasadena at Power Morphicon 4?

Geena Davis's Two Easy Steps to Make Hollywood Less Sexist

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Fri, 13 Dec 2013 18:25:00 +0000

Always love what Geena Davis is up to at her Institute on Gender in Media. Here's her simple, free and effective plan that could be enacted now and would do a great deal of good.

Pantene #WhipIt | Labels Against Women

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 03:56:00 +0000

I'm always leery of corporations adopting rebellions. advertisement was extremely well done, and I 'd thank them for making it if it was a short film. But it's not. And I'm not going to now buy Pantene in solidarity, or whatever, and whip my hair for equality. The problem with counterprogramming commercials like Whip It and the Dove campaigns is, it's still a big corporation trying to get you to buy their products because without them you're smelly, wrinkly, and have listless hair. I'm glad it's not a commercial about women being reduced to their sexuality, or being put down, or abused...but when it's still a COMMERCIAL what good does the content really do?

Star Trek: TNG christmas song "Make It So"

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Mon, 09 Dec 2013 00:15:00 +0000

"That's delightful." - Sheldon Cooper
"Shut up, Wesley!" - the Internet

Pssst!! Hey Kids! Want to know who wins Crash the Super Bowl VIII?!

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Sun, 08 Dec 2013 09:51:00 +0000

These two are so happy because they already know...

The Doritos Crash the Super Bowl contest is in year eight of its groundbreaking search for the best amateur 30 second Doritos commercial. The winner airs during the Super Bowl to an audience of 110 million people, and receives 1 million dollars, and the chance to work on the set of "Marvel's Avengers: Age of Ultron"!

The 24 semi-finalists have been announced, and voting is open. You don't need a time machine to know who is going to win February 2, 2014. My early pick for the winning entry is now in first place with a 4.2 rating from viewers around the world!

"Time Machine" is a clever short story about a naive man with a bag of Doritos who stumbles upon a cute little kid's time machine and...well here, you've got 30 seconds to be entertained and laugh out loud:
Time Machine - Watch, then click the red stars at the bottom left to rate it a 5!
This entry is by far my favorite of the 24 semi-finalists, some of which are mediocre, and some of which are hateful (see Dan L.'s terrific article here). I always root for the underdog, but this year the underdog also happens to be the clear, deserving winner.

I also think this entry is the one that has the spirit of the Marvel brand, and don't forget Stan Lee himself will be one of the judges!
Filmmaker Ryan Thomas Andersen read my articles analyzing the semifinalists and tracked me down to say hello. Luckily for us all, he graciously agreed to an interview!
Ryan is a self-made filmmaker, but a family man first. As you'll see, family is an integral part of this All-American's filmmaking process...

This year's forerunner is an unstoppable One-Man Production House!

Lis: Tell us about yourself and your filmmaking beginnings. Where do you live, where did you study?
Ryan: My name is Ryan Thomas Andersen. I am a single dad, and my filmmaking beginnings started in my 2nd semester (2004) of community college. I was going for architecture then thought..."never-mind I want to make films instead!" I joined a class and ever since have been in love with it! I live in Scottsdale Az, and I am a film student DropOut from Scottsdale Community College.
Lis: And now you'll be on the cover of their brochures as their latest success story, haha...You are the CEO of AndersenCrine Productions and have already directed commercials for big names like Netflix, Tide, Dannon, and WalMart. What made you decide to enter Crash the Super Bowl? Who is Crine, and was he/she a part of Time Machine?
Ryan: I have always entered this contest as something fun to do and a chance to win some serious money to fund my feature film! Of course the exposure would be amazing as well. "Crine" is my mothers maiden name. I took my dad's last name "Andersen". When I created my company I wanted to cary on my moms last name somehow, and also as a child My name "crine" was used to make fun of me daily..."cryin' Ryan" They would say! hahahah So I wanted to wear it proudly!

Cryin' Ryan Redux is a millionaire...

Lis: That's so cool. I love that you took back your name, and I'm sure your mom is proud! Plus you know some of those schoolyard bullies are going to send friend requests now.

Is this your first year entering Crash the Super Bowl? If not, which other entries have you made?

Ryan: This is my 4th year entering. here they are: Year 1: "Par For the Crunch" http://youtu.be/x_ASo084U78 Year 2: "Oh man oh man oh man" http://youtu.be/j3Fzy9vJZJM Year 3: "There Goes Brutus Again" http://youtu.be/52AY91REZqw

Lis: Wow, those entries are all really strong! I particularly like Year 1's setup, delivery, and punchline with the older woman. It's refreshing to hear that you've entered many times and grown as a contestant. I think people like seeing skill mastery rewarded, and you've clearly worked hard.

How did you develop the script for Time Machine? Did you spend all year thinking about it, have a brainstorm session and picked this idea? What's your creative process, and how important is the teleplay to you?

Ryan: I was actually thinking of ideas for another company that had hired me, and I came up with this spot randomly within seconds... I wish I could explain it better but that's how my mind works (VERY RANDOMLY) it all just poured into my head. I held onto the idea for 8 Months and thought I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR DORITOS. I immediately thought "This is the winning idea." Got together with my producer Raj Suri and told him the idea. He loved it, and then we collaborated and made it into what you see now! My creative process is pretty "by the seat of my pants". I'm not proud of that but its true. I have self diagnosed myself with ADHD and I feed myself that excuse daily hahahha! This is a very important script to me because It was the most thought out and most original idea I have ever had. Plus it allowed me to cast my adorable son in it!

The All-Americans

Lis: What was the production like? What camera, how many crew members? Did your main character improv, or stick to the script?

Ryan: The production was very minimal hahahah. There was our sound guy (Tommy shaeffer), me, our 3 actors (Daved Wilkins, Jim Coates, Gavin Andersen), a good friend that acted as a PA (Steve Gresser), and our producer (Raj Suri) and my mom ( Brenda Andersen )....and of course Hogan the dog! I set designed/shot/directed/edited/sound designed/colored. lol I'm kind of a one man Production House. We shot it all in about 7 hours, and it took about 80+ hours in the editing room! I shot on the Black Magic Cinema Camera with some Prime Cinema Lenses. Our main character Daved Wilkins Did a lot of improv but the final cut is almost EXACTLY what the script said!

Lis: I love that it's a family affair, and a minimalist set. Yours is one of the rare semifinalist entries that doesn't use professional crews. Also, you may have just sold me on the Black Magic camera. I've been thinking of trading in my Canon 5D.
You have the key ingredients to be the 2014 Doritos Winner (Can we skip past the pretense and just hand you the crown already?). You have an arresting and funny idea, told with precise set up/delivery/punchline, set in a domestic location, starring a white man who is the butt of the joke, co-starring an adorable kid and a dog. That's the very definition of the Doritos Crash the Super Bowl brand. We already know the kid is your handiwork...so now we want to know: is that your dog?

Gavin and Hogan Andersen

Ryan: Yes it is my son...my dog...and my parents house hahahaha. I found the refrigerator box on the side of the road...painted it brown with my producer and poked christmas lights into it and decorated it with my sons markers and toys!!! lol I did this all in their front yard while the whole neighborhood drove by and looked at me like I was a nut job. My mom was the "dog wrangler". Haha he's not even a trained dog. My son's first commercial with dialogue, too. I think he did great. I wanted my son to be as natural as possible and he loves his dog "Hogan" so i knew they would have good chemistry on screen...so it was a no brainer.

AndersenCrine Productions!

Lis: Your son was awesome; methinks he'll start his acting resume with winning Crash the Super Bowl. And way to make your mom earn "Crine" Productions!
What is the craziest thing that's happened since making the Semi-Finalists out of over 4,000 entires?

Ryan: The craziest thing isn't really that crazy but My Facebook friend requests SKY ROCKETED... lol. My phone has been non-stop with notifications, and messages, phone calls etc.

Lis: I'm picturing Malcolm McDowell and James Earl Jones narrating your phone notifications. Actually, I know you're being modest. The coolest thing I've seen happen to you is you've already booked your next commercial directorial gig, and for a major corporation. Congrats!

You have some terrific award-winning shorts up at RyanThomasAndersen.com, including "The Fall," which won Best Picture at IFP's prestigious Masterpiece Film Challenge. Is directing commercials your goal, or is your endgame making feature films?

The big check! Okay, maybe not so big. But IFP!!

Ryan: I do short films from time to time to stay fresh and to practice my craft. And that is honestly why I did commercials as well..to practice! But then someone said hey you're good at this, you should get paid for it! SOOO now that has pretty much become my full time job! I haven't "clocked in" anywhere in a very long time and have been running my own show since 2008. I am very grateful as well because it allows me to spend enormous amounts of time with my son! But my endgame is feature films.

I'm making my first feature film at the end of 2014, and it's a visceral drama about second chances in life. We all do things or have things done to us that we cannot take back, and should not be the things that define us. ("Eyes Wide Shut" meets "Love Me If You Dare.") I also have two more feature screenplays I'm currently writing. The first one I acquired life rights to. It is based on a true story and will make for a fantastic story! The other I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO DO. It is an idea that is the most realistic thing that has ever been done in film. I know that is saying a lot, but it is an idea that I have only told three other people! It will change the way people look at films, and will be talked about for years. I have never felt this cray strong about anything creatively I have ever done.

Lis: Can't wait to see those feature films! Nothing Hollywood loves more than a confident under thirty filmmaker with a ton of ideas and drive! Thanks for the interview Ryan.

Isn't he cool, folks? Since it's supposed to be an amateur contest, it's so refreshing to see a semi-finalist who doesn't already work in Hollywood, didn't spend thousands of dollars, or have a suspicious advantage.

Considering last year's finalists got CAA agents and select meetings around town, sounds like some lucky Hollywood executives will soon be hearing this top secret idea! Count me on the record as saying someone is going to credit for starting this young filmmaker's Hollywood career! 'Nuff said!

Don't forget to go to Doritos to watch and rate "Time Machine." Best we can tell, you are allowed to rate it every day! The five finalists will be announced in 27 days, and we're Team Ryan! You can also "like" the official Facebook page here, and Tweet about it: @DoritosTimeMach #VoteTimeMachine '

Can the Hunger Games ignite a real revolution?

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Sat, 07 Dec 2013 10:47:00 +0000

"From now on your job is to be a distraction so people forget what the real problems are."
Haymitch, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Eyes bright, chins up, smiles on!

Did you see those freaky CoverGirl ads begging you to become a Capitol clown? 12 Districts. 1 Exquisite Collection. Choose your District.

The models look exotic and alien as District Tributes, but the message sends a shiver down my spine. Is this not the opposite meaning we were supposed to take away from The Hunger Games: Catching Fire? Do we really want to be the horribly immoral and clueless yet colorful pawns living in the Capitol?

It's a steal!

I complained to my Best Gay that this type of commercial brainwashing was exactly the mind control Suzanne Collins was trying to wake us all up from in her stellar trilogy The Hunger Games. And then we dissolved again into an impassioned discussion about the epic miscasting of Peeta and how it effects plot points, rewatched Peter K. Rosenthal’s hysterical "hotness" review for The Onion, and I quickly forgot all about the Capitol shilling fail.

"All things considered, not that hot."

Until I read web backlash a proposed theme park ride was generating.

The second happiest place on Earth!

In the comments section, people argued distractedly over the nuances: it’s just a roller coaster ride silly, not an actual reenactment theme park of the unthinkable Hunger Games depicted in the books and movies; of course there’s a corporate tie-in and what’s wrong with that it’s the Capitalist way? Anonymous posters aimed their flaming arrows at each other, on a website owned by one of the six corporations controlling 90% of American media.

Now my spider sense was tingling. Sure, everyone has a right to make money, blah blah Capitalism is always awesome or you aren't American. But at what point has The Hunger Games sold out? Perhaps Lionsgate, the studio behind everyone’s favorite Girl On Fire, was as duplicitous as President Coin?

Is that CEO Jon Feltheimer at the console?

So my best gay and I did an internet search to see if we were the only ones hearing the call of the mockingjay. We discovered…we are not alone.

There’s a real life Hunger Games media rebellion happening right now.

Protesting the icky corporate marketing tie-ins to the smash hit The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The Harry Potter Alliance has created an easy way for you to take a stand while other citizens volunteer for the real-life district battles known to us as Black Friday.

To join the resistance and hack the Hunger Games advertising, simply take a selfie. Sporting the signature three finger salute of District 11, natch.

Rebels allianced at Odds In Our Favor.org

The Harry Potter Alliance has a history of using fictional worlds to bring together activist partners who want an empowered world. A video on The HPA website implores “Enough with the distractions; The Hunger Games are real” before taking the real-life comparisons to Panem deeper. Lest you dismiss them as progressive crackpots, the Los Angeles Times found them substantial enough to publish an op ed piece by HPA’s Executive Director Andrew Slack points out the disturbing cracks in the movie tie-ins, and calls for citizens to hack the multimillion dollar ad campaigns by sending salute photos into Odds In Our Favor.org.

The HPA isn't the only one hoping Catching Fire will light a fire in viewers' bellies. In an article in The Guardian titled "Donald Sutherland: I want Hunger Games to stir up a revolution" the veteran actor who portrays evil President Snow states "I hope that they [youths] will take action because it's getting drastic in this country.” The infamous rabble rouser knows that movies are political activism, and made the film hoping the Millennials would wake up from their passive sleep and do something.

"They might create a third party. They might change the electoral process, they might be able to take over the government, change the tax system."

Author Suzanne Collins has weighed in at Variety on the overall effect of the marketing campaign by Tim Palen, and given the Lionsgate team a surprising thumbs up. “It’s appropriately disturbing and thought-provoking how the campaign promotes ‘Catching Fire’ while simultaneously promoting the Capitol’s punitive forms of entertainment…That dualistic approach is very much in keeping with the books.”

Santa, can you bring me the ironic Effie Barbie doll for Christmas?

Over at Women in Hollywood, producer Nina Jacobsen dodges Melissa Silverstein's question of whether the target audience actually can grasp this dualistic approach. I think Nina doesn't answer because we all know the answer is a resounding NO. We live in a country where most adults think reality TV is real, but kids whose brains haven't even stopped growing yet should be able to sort through the shiny propaganda without falling for it? You know, the same kids we don't teach media literacy to, which is why Suzanne Collins wrote the novels in the first place?

Actual licensed merchandise. Really, Suzanne? Still fine by you?

Suzanne??

These official responses about the offensive marketing disappoint me, as we know advertising works. That's why corporations spend a half trillion dollars on it annually.

When commercials prey on our primal needs, our brains switch into primal monkey mode where there is no higher functionality like empathy. Do we really believe that the fourteen-year-old girls who scrimped and saved to pay $60 to attend the Arclight's Capitol Bash in full costume and CoverGirl warpaint were full of compassion and sympathy for the poor Career Tributes? Or is it more likely that there was gleeful cheering akin to the coliseum stadiums of yore?

Free popcorn, costume contest, and I get to pretend to be a sociopath? Sold!

In my heart of hearts I can't really believe that Suzanne Collins doesn't see the misuse of her anti-totalitarian tomes against teens to place their focus on frippery. There has to be some corporate concern the little bastards might actually absorb the content of The Hunger Games and start Sutherland's longed-for rebellion.

Actual licensed merchandise. I just...can't.

Isn't change what Collins wanted? Or has she gone Establishment from diving into her Scrooge McDuck swimming pool of cash? I suppose this should be expected of an anti-estabilishment smash hit. That's what happens to all rebellions...they're absorbed and assimilated into the corporate machine and spit back out as more mind control. The odds are never in our favor.

Unlicensed fan-made merchandise

Luckily, I can think of no better time than during the gluttony and materialism of the Christmas holiday to take stock of our participation in the media machine. Are you going to raise your hand to purchase an officially licensed Capitol Couture lipstick so that you look your best for the Quarter Quell? Or, like defiant Katniss, will you be a hero who raises your hand in protest?

Rise.

What do you think? Has the The Hunger Games franchise sold out and lost the message through glib marketing tie-ins? Do you think young adults get the irony of the advertising? Or are they getting off on being Capitol Cuties embodying the fashion and fakeness of the richest District? Are you going to post a protest photo? Comment and tell us what’s happening in your District!

Doritos' Top 20 Semi-Finalists - Crash the Super Bowl VIII

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Thu, 05 Dec 2013 13:45:00 +0000

The 20 semi-finalist commercials were announced this morning. It must be true that scores and views didn't matter to the judges; many of these semifinalists have dismal ratings (one currently has 1 out of 5 stars!).

I hadn't seen most of these and feel disappointed some of my favorite highly rated choices were left out. Perhaps the style and content choices are different because it's the first time the contest has been open outside of the U.S., or because it's the top 20 and not the top 5. Whatever the reason, there are several weak semi-finalist contenders that break past winners' patterns and don't accurately represent the Doritos brand. The contest results have been so consistent in the past that I can't help but hope the anomalies will wash out in thirty days when the five finalists are chosen.

*UPDATE 1: Holy Doritos! They picked more than 20 Semi-Finalists, a fact I missed in the middle of the night. I have updated to include all 24 entries.

*UPDATE 2: Well now I couldn't love Dan L. more. Over at his terrific Video Contest News.com, he's posted a great article about the weirdly anomalous inclusion of misogynistic and offensive semi-finalists. Since people seem to take these issues more seriously when they are presented by a man, PLEASE check out his thoughts and picture me standing behind him nodding and mouthing "Preach!". And thanks again to Dan. L for all his terrific Crash the Superbowl coverage over the years.

Also I've had some emails and comments that indicate readers haven't seen my rather thorough analysis of the common elements of the twenty-six finalists since 2007. Please check it out. I'm not talking out of my ass here; I actually looked at the data and analyzed the patterns of what Doritos consistently tells us is their Crash the Super Bowl brand.

My predictions for the finalists (top 5) of Crash the Superbowl VIII:

5. Office Thief

Solid story that sells the brand, in the office location Doritos judges love to choose. **There was a similar entry this year with an ostrich being framed that was much funnier, but perhaps the ostrich was not enough of an other to avoid insult. Doritos judges prefer the joke victim to be a white male, and this commercial fits the bill. (**Actually the Breakroom Ostrich DID make the cut! He knocks my Office Thief pick out of the top 5 to join the other top 19). Goooo Ostrich!

4. Doritos Make Everything Better Cut 1

It's absurdist, domestic, has a cute kid and Doritos magic, with a terrific ending where a white dad is the butt of the joke. Fits the finalist pattern. But you know which one I WISH would be here instead?...

*Sorry Karl
I probably love it too much for it to make the top five, but a feminist can dream.Written by and starring snarky women who finally get their own fantasy instead of being the objects of desire. It would be a huge departure for the brand, which hasn't gone in for big sets and fantasy numbers before, let alone female leads owning their sexuality for their own pleasure. I fear they threw women a bone with this entry so they could bone us below with a bunch of misogynist semi-finalists.

3. Jim Figures it Out

Utterly original and buzzworthy, with a perfect funny ending that sells the chips.

2. Mants!

Wonderfully odd and arresting domestic humor. But Tori Spelling and the Gay Hoarder filmmakers may have a lawsuit.

1. Time Machine

I predicted it before and I'll say it again: here's your 2014 winner! Fresh, funny, clean middle American humor at the expense of a white man. That's the Doritos brand.

The remaining 19 entries:

Chips Before Chics

With an abysmal rating of 1 out of 5, this loser has three features that break the Doritos finalist mould: women in bikinis, sexualized women passed over for Doritos, and an exploitation ending straight out of a WWE match. I'm shocked Doritos picked this one, except look at the next loser:

Mermaid

This one makes me feel livid! As you know from my previous analysis, only one finalist has featured a death in the storyline. This is sexual attraction with the joke being instead he murders her, and then displays the female corpse over the fireplace. Shame on you Doritos!!! Completely beneath you, and not funny given three American women a day are killed by their lovers. Not a joking matter, and this ad should be disqualified IMMEDIATELY. If this is what your brand is now, then you deserve to be boycotted!

Dive

It looks great, is a well executed story with a beginning, middle, end, and a solid joke at the end. I predicted it for the top 20. But I don't love it. It's not funny or odd enough to be the Doritos brand.

Finger Cleaner

When someone explains to the Doritos Judges what a glory hole is, heads are going to roll. They've never even featured PG-13 humor, let alone this offensive XXX commercial. Enjoy the top 20 and the million hits; you should never have made it this far on a filthy visual joke people can't let their kids see during halftime.

Body Cast

Not an idea we haven't seen before, and the ending drifts off.

Inertia

Pretty cool. Out of the twenty-six past finalists, there weren't any that felt this cinematic. Content/story is king, and this one relies a lot on cool shots and lenses instead of nailing the third act. The ending burns out without a great joke, but the idea is arresting and well executed until then. If it makes it into the finalists it would become the third finalist to star an older actor.

Cowboy Kid

Hey, I was right about Cowboy Kid getting semi-finalist status! I still think it's a well-executed concept with a weak/weird ending. Why is the mom cheering?

Who's Your Daddy

What a shame that the last line trails off to an implied swear word. They had a real shot here if they'd just written a great ending joke.

Most Generous Man

This one is bizarre. But I don't know if people really want to see a grandma getting kissed during the Super Bowl.

Bold Moves

Male nudity as a joke is a frequent American subject, but it's never been finalist-worthy before. I don't think Bold Moves will be the exception.

Luchadoritos

As much as I would love to see us finally get a second finalist starring no white actors, and the first commercial to star Latinos, this one feels like an underdog. But boy do I root for an underdog...

A Snack Worth Saving

Every year there are dozens upon dozens of entries where the joke is that men choose Doritos over a beautiful woman who is crushed and hurt by the decision. Doubt the Asian feel and acrobatics is enough to propel this mean one into the top five, though it would finally be our second Asian lead actor.

Imaginary Friend

A little shocked this one made it in, as that sure looks like simulated sex grinding to me. The past twenty-six finalists have never even featured a kiss. Again, the woman is discarded in favor of the Doritos. I don't see this one happening. That joke trope has always been tired and beneath the Doritos brand.

Kickball Cowboy

This one is nice and bizarre, with some cool wish fulfillment. But I wish the ending was stronger and had a joke. Also, the editing is more fancy than any past finalist. Doritos likes their storytelling nice and simple, with the illusion any consumer could have made it.

Doritos Peacekeeper

I have no idea how this one made it in. Nothing like any past finalist, and the beeped "fuck" gives it slim to no chance of making the top five. Never had a finalist with even a hint of mouthed swearing, let alone an actual bleep.

*Valet
Cute but not fresh or funny enough. Always happy to see another non-white lead actor. Is it the only semi-finalist that chose rap music?

*Amish Paradise
There are always dozens of hateful entries every year about trading in your female significant other for a younger hotter model. This is the first time that story trope has been rewarded by Doritos, and it's another huge disappointment. Add on to it they're slagging a noble religion based on values that don't include objectifying women, and the "Amish! They're sexist just like us!" premise becomes even more offensive and unfunny.

The big question:

Is Doritos consciously changing their brand to be like all the other Super Bowl ads? That makes no sense, since they always won the Nielson and Ad Meter ratings, and stood out precisely because they were different?!

My Doritos Crash The Super Bowl VIII Top Twenty and Finalists Analysis

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Thu, 05 Dec 2013 04:07:00 +0000

Much of Doritos' Crash the Super Bowl VIII contest has been confusing and misleading (Do votes and views count? What are the voting rules?) Why did the contest rules say semifinalists would be announced on December 14th, while the website said December 4th at 3 am, and now states "Semifinalists will be revealed shortly?" How does Doritos define "shortly?"

While thousands of contestants drive themselves nuts refreshing their browser waiting for new information, I thought I'd educate nervous contestants on the patterns of past years' finalists to give them an idea of where they stack up, and how to shape their entries for next year. And show you my completely subjective guestimates for the Top 20, while hopefully boosting the visibility of these worthy entries.

Dan L. over at Video Contest News is the go to amateur analyzer of winning trends in the Doritos Crash the Superbowl Contest. Check out his site, which posts helpful articles like "Will press cover help your chances in the Crash the Super Bowl contest?" Keep in mind he is not affiliated with the contest and has no secret insight...he's a self-made expert and one of the only people who has studied and written about the contest over the years. There are definitely patterns to be gleaned. But he isn't knowledgeable about everything Crash the Super Bowl: Dan told me one of my entries would be disqualified for using stock footage. Actually using clips from partner Video Block was encouraged this year, and I followed the rules to the letter including submitting the exact file names of the stock footage. So of course take his feedback with a grain of salt, but remember studying the contest you're entering is always the right idea.

With that preamble out of the way, it's time to disqualify me as an expert as well...I've in no way seen all the entries for Crash the Superbowl VIII (Some guestimate there were 14,000 worldwide entries because of the numbering entries received. Others claim they've counted and there are between 4,500-6,000 entries...many of which will be disqualified for not following simple directions like avoiding visible trademarks, using unauthorized music, and being the wrong length.). I've watched hundreds of entries from this year's highest rated category. There were winning and losing patterns that emerged. In addition, I've entered the contest the last three years, and have done my research going over all the finalists since year 1. The Crash the Super Bowl contest has been in play 2007, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, with five finalists each year except 2010 (there were six finalists that year) for a total of twenty-six commercials to examine.

Dan is spot on in his Twitter advice that Doritos is looking for commercials that are: buzz worthy, outrageous, weird, wacky, with a punchline.

What doesn't get picked by Doritos? Gross. Raunchy. Sexist. Hateful. Bikinis. Wild parties. Zombies. Blood. War. Sad. Parodies of trademarked movies like The Hunger Games and Indiana Jones. Urinal settings. Animals hurt or threatened (unless it's a dog burying a cat). Bodily function humor. Some of those topics may fly for other brands during the Super Bowl, but Doritos keeps their brand middle America's version of clean.

Despite airing winners during the Super Bowl, the finalists almost never have a football or sport theme. Doritos continues to pick finalists that can air year round. 2013 Fashionista Daddy, Hot Wild Girls and 2007 A Chip Lover's Dream are the exceptions. The fashionista is missing out on a manly game of touch football with his friends, while in the last two you only hear audio implying a sport game on TV.

The lead characters are usually straight white males mid twenties to mid forties. If someone is getting a comeuppance, it better be funny and/or physically painful at a white man's expense. (See previous finalists Fetch, Goat 4 Sale, Hot Wild Girls, Duct Tape, Express Checkout, Underdog, Pug Attack, The Smackout, Kids These Days, Mouse Trap, The Chase, Power of the Crunch, Snack Attack Samurai, Free Doritos.) Why? White guys are deemed "safe" to pick on because like it or not, white men are top in our culture. Traditionally, humor is based in taking out the piss out of the ruling class. Plus they're in the least amount of actual daily danger, so the threat of comical physical violence isn't offensive to most people. That may change if the contest goes on another decade, but for now it's something to think about while you write your commercials. Most of the finalists are white male leads, and you can capitulate to that to try or win. Or be bold: be the person so funny Doritos has to break their whitewash mould. House Sitting, and House Rules are past years' finalist exceptions to the white man lead, and they are very funny. House Rules is the only Doritos finalist to not feature a white actor at all. Non-white male co-leads appear in The Best Part, Free Doritos, and Dog Park with the only prominent Asian (he's male). Kids These Days might have a Latino antagonist, but it's hard to tell and he reads pretty white. That's five out of twenty-six finalists with a non-white male lead/co-lead, or approximately 19%. Only House Rules features a female non-caucasian in a co-starring role.

Unlike most brands, Doritos doesn't do Super Bowl Sexy. Both Hot Wild Girls and Fetch punished horny superficial men hunting for sexy women with impending vicious animal attacks. That's very different from the tone of most Super Bowl ads, which amp up the sexy sexism to unbearable levels. The 2011 Adam and Eve commercial was as close as they got to racy, and that was pretty tame. You didn't see Eve's presumably hot body, and thematically it was still Bible Belt friendly. Birthday Wish makes a tame risqué joke about a stripper pole and ends with the doughy everyman dad swinging on it and yelling whee. Live the Flavor and Checkout Girl are the only flirtation-themed finalists, and their sexual heat is played to cartoonish comic effect. The 2009 Power of the Crunch starts with a woman's dress being ripped off by the male lead, but quickly escalates to larger criminal spree situations and ends in the perpetrator getting hit by a bus. Only Hot Wild Girls co-stars typical Super Bowl bimbos, and they appear for a few seconds in the tag as the punchline. Sex may sell, but Doritos is on to something because their finalists are consistently the most buzzed about Super Bowl commercials.

Doritos judges also don't pick cute, maudlin, low key. Or even sappy like last year's number one Super Bowl ad the Budweiser Clydesdales. Doritos has a wacky over-the-top brand, and so far they've stuck to it every contest (Casket).

We all know that Doritos loves selecting crotch injuries, cute babies and crafty animals who come out on top. These elements are such tropes, even the 2014 entries making fun of it are now tropes. The only meta commercial about making Doritos commercials to ever crack the finalist ranks was the hysterical New Flavor Pitch back in 2009.

So what are some of the winning elements you haven't figured out yet?

Settings: Over and over Doritos judges choose relatable setting like home, park, grocery store, gym and work. They are looking for fresh spins on their buyers' every day environments.

Smaller Patterns: Twice they've selected commercials co-starring "men in suits" (the industry term for stuntmen wearing animal costumes): Fetch and 2007's Mouse Trap. Two finalists have featured grandparent-aged co-stars: Sling Shot Baby, and Kids These Days. Four featured bizarre work situations: Too Delicious, Best Part, Birds of Prey, Free Doritos, Five commercials take place in a world where Doritos cause magic: Too Delicious, Fetch, Power of the Crunch, House Sitter, and Hot Wild Girls, The Chase has the only onscreen cat. Only 2012 million dollar winner Man's Best Friend has an actual death (other commercials have cartoonish violence; they all show endings that let us know everyone survived). It's a trope that Doritos ads feature cute kids, but there are actually only five finalists that do: Road Chip, Fashionista Daddy, Sling Shot Baby, House Rules and Birthday Wish. Three finalists have no human female actors at all: Under Dog, Fetch and Goat 4 Sale. (House Sitting has a Voice Over by a female newscaster, Snack Attack Samurai has one female extra, while The Best Part shows the back of a female extra twice). Road Chip is the only commercial to not feature a male actor, though the mom is heard but barely seen. Though gender and sexual preference shaming are normal and widely accepted in American humor, only two fit this style: Fashionista Daddy stars men shamed for dressing up and having fun like women instead of playing manly football, and The Best Part features a man behaving sexually towards other men in the workplace to get to their Doritos crumbs. There has never been a finalist that utilized voice over or an announcer's voice.

Finalists always have a crystal clear story: if you can't pitch your story in a one sentence logline, keep writing before you film it. Your story must be in the traditional format of three acts (Pick up Syd Field's screenwriting book if you don't understand telling a story with a beginning, middle, and end). And you absolutely need a killer joke at the end! Snack Attack Samurai, Goat 4 Sale, and Power of the Crunch are great finalists to examine for story structure. Write a logline for each, as well as its beginning, middle, end, and joke at the end. Once you've don't that for a few of the finalists, look at your entry and be honest with yourself about its weaknesses. Rewrite it so it it's strong and clear.

Later Doritos contests stressed the money prize and chances to break into Hollywood (2013's prize to work on Transformers 4, 2014's prize to work on Avengers 2). But the only finalists who have are the team behind New Flavor Pitch (2009 Crash the Super Bowl teammates get their own TBS Show).

Can anyone win?

Possibly not, if you're not a white male filmmaker in your thirties living in Los Angeles. Despite hyping the chance for any consumer to win, past years' data show the typical Hollywood bro coming out on top. Only three out of 26 finalists have been female (The typical industry 8%. Insert my eyeroll here. As usual this does not represent the number of women directing, but the number of women's work chosen by the content gatekeepers who deem a female perspective abnormal in our society.). A staggering 19 out of 26 (73%) finalists lived in southern California. Only one was from New York, but several of the outliers are working filmindustry professionals in their respective cities.

More disturbingly, there is a very real and outlandishly implausible streak of repeat finalists that suggests a judging bias. Our friend Joe Taranto of the Taranto Brothers made the top five last year with Fetch, got an agent at a top five Hollywood agency, and declined entering this year. I'm dying to take Joe and Vinnie out to lunch ask if this bias is why, but I'm sure I won't be able to publish their answer. Unfortunately, anecdotal real-life help dries up in the Hollywood industry if you rat out your friends. When the dust settles I'll do another analysis to see if this disturbing trend continues with 2014's semi-finalists, and you may infer for yourself. Doritos should be called out on it and change their rules to disqualify these contestants from entering again. It's one thing for a finalist who doesn't win money to get a second shot; it's a completely different thing for WINNERS who hang out and party with Doritos execs every year in their corporate Super Bowl box to keep taking the Top 5 spots. These white male repeat offenders are no longer nameless faceless contestants in this contest; they're Doritos "family" and shouldn't be eligible.

The great news is content is still king: your script trumps everything. TV production quality is necessary, but many flashy expensive entries don't become finalists. You don't need to spend crazy amounts of money to film your commercial. You don't need movie stars, or professional editing that includes digital effects. But as the contest has progressed through the years, the production quality has become more stringent. Now you do need professional sound, a tripod, and a real movie camera. Several finalists have had slow motion, so you might want to use a camera that can do slo-mo like a Canon 5D Mark iii (which can be rented for $114 a day plus shipping). Last year's finalists released their budgets as $300-$5,000 They all clearly used prosumer cameras, most likely RED which costs $1,000 a day to rent, needs professional lighting, and takes a prosumer computer to be able to edit.

As you go into thinking about your entry for year nine (IF they do the contest again), remember that what you need to spend the most time on is writing a relatable, crazy, absurdly funny story!

In keeping with these patterns, here are the top 20 contenders I've seen:

CRASH THE SUPER BOWL VIII TOP TWENTY:

You're So Old

I think this will be a top 5 finalist. We've got a positive portrayal of the chips, a funny and outrageous story with a beginning middle and end with the strongest point being the lol punchline at the end, a cute kid, and the joke is at the expense of a middle aged white man. Winner winner chicken dinner!

https://www.doritos.com/base/submissionsphase?region_id=us-en&content_id=9910&tab_id=7

The Doritos Bowl

Unique, outlandish, and memorable. Definitely the Doritos brand. But it's a sports theme so it wouldn't fit the pattern of being a finalist.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SOJD3Gacf0

The Chiplicator

Great to see a smart little girl, and the ending button is spot on. Reminds me of winner Fashionista Daddy, while still being different.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1AOhurAg7I

Stadium Power

Great play on the Super Bowl's bizarre power outage. Very clever, and a solid joke at the ending. Could this one be the second meta finalist ever chosen?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOlA1KLyraI

Close Encounter of the Nachos Kind

This one tickles me every time, and it looks great. I'm rooting for it for top 5.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdSFCcmDeUY

Doritos Dance Tutorial!!!

They always pick outlandish, memorable, buzz worthy, bizarre, safe jokes that aren't offensive...I could definitely see the airing the rest of the year during kids' TV shows. Not sure about the Super Bowl.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI8XWM46ZL4

Quality Control

I adore this one and have watched it many times. Very clever, and the robot costume is great even though the costume is reminiscent of 2011's Birthday Wish.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80tXWmIDbvQ#t=14

Sibling Rivalry

Super bizarre and well executed. It might be hurt by having two female protagonists and no men...Doritos likes its white male leads and might pick Doritos Have Kick V. 2 instead. (Is a fighting fetus the new zombie entry?)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwqpI0TQgq8 and https://www.youtube.com/doritos?x=us-en_submissionsphase_13665_

Wishing Well V.2

Crazy, fresh, bold, and weird. Perfect match for Doritos brand.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODXb8tOBOro

Mommy Daddy Time

Of all the sexual innuendo entries, I loved this one. I think it walks the line of being about something risque without actually being something parents would be upset about having their kid see. But it might be too sweet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZgi_5rnxeU

Doritos Fairy

Very absurd, and they don't usually pick female protagonists. But I love that they invent a new Doritos mythology AND have a burly guy in pastel drag. A nice echo of Fashionista Daddy while still being a new story and joke.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eD9K5QX-bPE

Doritos Truck Heist

Stealing Doritos and running from the police was an idea several did...but none with such a strong punchline. I LOL every time!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8y0YuAGrhI8

Space Monkey

Bunch of Gravity-type entries this year. But this is the only one with monkey puppets!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxG-XwjmZfc

Promised Hand

Definitely fits Dorito's penchant for outlandish and weird. What do you think; would it get people talking like Goat 4 Sale?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWPJfVREPig

Nacho Dealership

Funny, inventive, great ending. Solid contender!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u05Ha-Y5vus

Doritos Push

Not as gross as some of the other baby birth ones, and the vending machine punchline is spot on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6GLxYuqnho

Cowboy Kid

I think it's a contender for top 20, but not for the finals. It looks great but the end punchline is soft. Not funny enough, and when you think about it would that really be the mom's reaction?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHY5pwgCY3w

The Care Package

As Dan pointed out on his Twitter account @Dan_VCN this one might be too dark. But the execution is terrific, and man if you've ever hung out with nurses you know this ain't the half of it. ;p Real life hospital humor is pitch black.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSrD6zGpQN8

Boomerang

I think it's a tad too close to my friends The Taranto Brothers' top five 2013 entry Fetch. Then again, Fetch was a lot like the previous year's Hot Wild Girls. So maybe taking a previous finalist and putting your spin on that joke is a golden strategy? This certainly fits the Doritos mold.

https://www.youtube.com/doritos?x=us-en_submissionsphase_12716_

For the Birds Version 2

This one made the competitor in me sad when I first saw it because it's so damn good. Clearly done by a professional, what with the great effects. Looks like a top 5 to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFdporc46j4&feature=youtu.be

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Best World Entry:

A Man's Gotta Do V. 1

It's soooo UK. I love their sense of humor.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxmlTmnx4qc

Best Amateur:
Pre-Game War

No fancy production values or editing, just a funny story about two grandmas playing war and battling for the last Doritos chip. Wish it had a better punchline at the end!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XvdzqVKHtw

Best Professional:
Dive

Personally I think these ads should be disqualified when they're clearly done by industry vets. How about we make a no After Effects software rule? Luckily for true outsiders, Doritos doesn't usually go for high budget flare, but for story execution. This one has both:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlZNWDlqvt4

Best Disqualified Ad:

(Someone forgot to turn off Youtube's ad generator...oopsie!)

Beware of Doritos Dog!

I will always laugh at Monty Python references. Always. That dog's got big teef!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xg7cBxRxiQ

So Close But Needed a Stronger Ending:
Grandma Loves Doritos
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7SgiBFuAp0

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Want to see the two commercials my sister Brenda and I entered? We made them for the cost of the Doritos bags. They demonstrate the two biggest problems: Not going far enough, and needing a punchier ending.

Top Dog Hero
Dan L. said it needed a stronger ending.
https://www.youtube.com/doritos?x=us-en_submissionsphase_11679_

Call of the Wild
Wish we could have put a bear in at the end like we wanted, but Video Blocks only had that one shot from far away that we used in the middle.
https://www.youtube.com/doritos?x=us-en_submissionsphase_11381_7

For more movies by The Fies Sisters, click here.

We Saw Your Hate

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 00:08:00 +0000

Jokes are an important tool of those in power for reinforcing the status quo. The Oscar telecast was viewed by 1 billion people around the world, and the complete disrespect of anyone who wasn't a straight white male MATTERS. It showed the world Hollywood is in control of its women, people of color, gays, and other nationalities. It said "You don't belong and aren't welcome." When naive online commenters say the Oscar telecast doesn't matter or that feminists are taking the jokes out of context, they are lacking the context of daily life for industry women and minorities in Hollywood...and the fact that Hollywood's largest export is its view of the world.

What is extra infuriating about this telecast is that three months ago Kathryn Bigelow was a shoe-in for another directing nomination and her movie was the front runner for Best Picture. "They" run a public campaign against ZERO DARK THIRTY for its torture portrayals, and a private campaign in Hollywood Oscar Screenings spreading the rumor that Bigelow wasn't capable of directing the film and her younger boyfriend screenwriter Mark Boal had to take over onset because he was the brains and talent. Next thing you know, we have the most sexist telecast I've seen in twenty-five years of watching the Oscars, and Kathryn Bigelow is erased from it. Did you see a red carpet interview with her? A close-up during the 3 1/2 hour telecast? Any mention of her or her 2013 directing nomination snub? As a woman working in Hollywood, I can tell you that all of my fellow female friends got the message loud and clear: "One win was enough, little ladies. Now lay down and squeal like a pig or you're a poor sport who will get even less next time. And DON'T GET FAT."

Beat cancer with the ugly sweater stick

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 14:32:00 +0000

Are you seeing more Ugly Christmas Sweaters than usual this holiday season?

Hopefully it's due to this ingenious anti-cancer fundraiser.

I wouldn't say fugging for charity is painless, but it's surely a fun way to get people's attention and dineros. You can get pledges for as many days as you dare, throw an ugly sweater party, or just make it rain cash while maintaining your sartorial style. Choose! Cake or death!

Who knows what good your fundraising could do...you might save a superhero's life.

IAN MCKELLAN HAS PROSTRATE CANCER :(

MEANWHILE....

Are you in The Tribe? Just a quarter awesome like me? If you're feeling like a Lonely Jew on Christmas waiting for Mr. Hankey's questionable love...No problem!

YOU can proudly purchase a Hideous Hanukkah Sweater to become a cancer superhero!

This week I've felt pissed off at our USA jingoistic corporations. During my midnight trips to avoid the zombie holiday hordes, I've noticed stores' (Target, Rite Aid, CVS, Big Lots) paltry four-foot section of Chanukah goods are:

1. lame

2. still full price, while all the Christmas Crap is already 20%-50% off weeks in advance.

Even at the Rite Aid smack dab on Beverly Hills' Bedford Drive.

Circumcised Dickheads!

Makes me feel like staging my own Yoko Ono Protest Scream:

Need to feel better about cancer or other injustices in your life?

Here is Pajiba's arbitrary list of The 13 Most Satisfying Revenge Movies.

Haywire!

Are you going to wear a fugly to f*ck cancer? Will you stream a revenge movie tonight? Let us know below!

Do you love movies?

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:30:00 +0000

Then this post is for you.

Hollywood Reporter's Uncensored Directors Interview. These are the guys they're banking on to be Academy Award nominees. Yes, just guys. :(

If you know me well in real life, you might be getting one of these in the coming weeks: Popcorn Christmas Ornaments

Pop Potpouri

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 14:20:00 +0000

15 Best Character-Driven Fight Scenes

Southpark Cripple Fight

Create your own cheap and cool Holiday Art

Three cool videos teach how to make your own photo Christmas ornaments.

Hollyweird

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 01:27:00 +0000

No matter what they say, truly almost all of them have had one: 10 Great Celebrity Nose Jobs

The 100 Greatest Movie Insults

As one does... Keisha Says She Had Sex With a Ghost

The Claire Danes Cryface Project

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 00:08:00 +0000

Je t'aime HOMELAND, so

this clever Pinterest site made my day.

And for my friend who missed it, here is SNL's brilliant parody:

Superhero Holidays

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 23:55:00 +0000

Honest Trailers - a healthy addiction. Here's the Screen Junkies' take on *plotholes in The Dark Night Rises.

*Blogger helpfully suggested "potholes" become "plot hoes"...and I agree, two hoes are a large part of Bruce Wayne's 99 problems. Smart Blogger!

MEANWHILE...

The gals of Happy Looks Good On You teach us how to make our very own fancy big Superhero Balls.

And she's got big balls, but we've got the biggest balls of them all...

What do you think? Are the Screen Junkies right, or do you diehard love TDKR? Are you going to make your very own Superhero Balls for Xmas?

Learn Stuff

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 01:09:00 +0000

Holiday Cards

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:47:00 +0000

Just ordered our Christmas Cards from Shutterfly!

Happy Holidays from The Fies Sisters -xoxo

5x7 Folded Card

View the entire collection of cards.

We need heroes! Please help us Crash the Superbowl!

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 09:02:00 +0000

My sister Brenda and I have made two entries for the million dollar Doritos contest. Out of five thousand entries, they're going to pick 5 to win cash - and they're looking for fan favorites so we need your views and feedback!

Please take 30 seconds each to watch our commercials on Facebook. You win "I'm extra Awesome!" points if you leave us a comment and rate our entry 3 stars or higher!!! No signups necessary; it's done through your current Facebook profile. Fast, easy, painless, but a HUGE help to us!

KEEPAWAY starring Jamison Reeves, Gregg Silver and Melanie Leanne Miller.
https://apps.facebook.com/crashthesuperbowl/?page=watch&video=4581

IDOLIZE starring Jamison Reeves and Gregg Silver.
https://apps.facebook.com/crashthesuperbowl/?page=watch&video=4125

Thanks so much for your help! We're super proud of our two entries and spectacular actors. Couldn't do all this without your support! xoxo

Le sigh...

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:46:00 +0000

One of the many things I've been interested in lately is Fashion and Lifestyle bloggers - ordinary people who post pictures of their daily outfits to help you choose yours. While the hubris and narcissism alternately turns my stomach or makes me giggle, I totally identify with the creative self-expression and fascination with style.

Blogger Tara up in San Francisco struck a chord today with me posting about her longing to once more visit the incomparable city Paris...

Take Me To Paris

NEW GIRL spec - first five pages

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 22:49:00 +0000

NEW GIRL is the number one new show for 18-34 year olds, and I absolutely adore it. The series has great heart, unconditionally loves its socially retarded characters, and has the lofty goal of gently teaching tolerance lessons as it demonstrates partnership between men and women. I'm thrilled to hear it has won the hearts of many teen girls who have adopted the Jess lead character as a role model.

I've watched all 21 episodes at least three times, and studied the crap out of Zooey, show creator Liz Merriwether, and their Paley panel. I think this spec is the funniest thing I've ever written. So far I've received great feedback from working screenwriters I trust. I made the three storylines topics I really care about: woman on woman violence, the vintage fur debate, and the hilarious narcissism of fashion/lifestyle bloggers. As per my writing signature, this spec is funny, emotionally raw, informative, and has something to say.

I'm adding this NEW GIRL spec to my portfolio: feature action/thriller PISTOLERAS (Winner of Creative Screenwriting Magazine's Best Thriller Award); my filmmaking resume (Associate Producer of Indie Spirit Winner CONVENTIONEERS, writer/director/producer of THE COMMUNE, first ultra-low budget female filmmaker invited to The Masters of Horror dinners); and a new comedy pilot script based on my feature THE COMMUNE that will be ready to read by the end of May 2012. Fingers crossed this portfolio will do the trick for getting an agent and going out for staffing season. If you want to help, providing a referral to your agent/manager would save me mucho stress!

You can see this version of the script performed live Sunday night at 8:30pm at the famous iO West in Hollywood. Here is the preview of my current first five pages which will be revised Monday after the reading. What do you think?

NEW GIRL
EP #21.5: "Female"
Written by Elisabeth Fies

ACT ONE

INT. LOFT. DAY.

NICK’S LATEST ONE NIGHT STAND sneaks out the door, running into WINSTON waving the morning mail.

WINSTON
I got my test results!

The girl grimaces and cuts him a wide birth.

WINSTON (CONT’D)
Not that kind of test--

REVEAL NICK AND JESS on the couch, eating cereal.

NICK
Cool. Now I don’t have to call her.

Winston stares at his test results envelope, frozen.

JESS
Standardized tests can’t measure the real you. It’s not about what’s here...
(pointing to her brain)
...but what’s in here.
Jess grabs her heart. SCHMIDT runs in like a human labrador.

SCHMIDT
(pointing to his crotch)
--Or what’s in here! Boom!

JESS
Besides, we really needs substitute teachers.

WINSTON
That’s what’s so horrible. If I’m not better than those people--

INT. GARFIELD ELEMENTARY. CLASSROOM. FLASHBACK.
Winston finishes and triumphantly slams his pencil down.

WINSTON
First!

REVEAL his competition: like Mos Eisley Cantina rejects. Winston reinforces his pencil marks on the Scantron form.

BACK TO PRESENT:

WINSTON (CONT’D)
That room smelled like fear. Sweat. And Maker’s Mark.

JESS
Fancy. In Oregon subs can only afford Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Winston tears open the envelope.

JESS (CONT’D)
Oh my god. Winston, you scored 99%!
Winston “Cruises” on the couch, the afghan flying. Nick mimics him with a surprisingly sexy lack of skill.

SCHMIDT
(joining in)
And 5, 6, 7, 8!
--And they start the routine from the New Girl music video.

SMASH TO MAIN TITLES.

INT. LOFT. CONTINUOUS.

CECE walks into the kitchen carrying a ritzy coat bag.

CECE
What’s going on?

JESS
Winston passed the C-Best.
(in Cagney voice)
Say, what do we have here, see?

Cece pulls out a vintage floor length mink coat.

JESS (CONT’D)
Yowza.

CECE
(touching the stitching)

It was Nanna’s. Her name’s sewn in.

JESS
I wonder how many animals died to make this fur coat.

CECE
I wonder how many animals she had to sleep with to get this fur coat.
(then)
I want to wear it.

JESS
(judgy)
Cece. You should hide it in your closet- Or get rid of it- before someone throws paint on you.

CECE
That’s crazy. Nobody throws paint in this century. Glitter bombs maybe, and I look fabulous in glitter.
(then)
Besides, the animal died fifty years ago. I don’t understand how hiding it in my closet or dumping it in the landfill honors its memory more than me proudly wearing it.
(petting the fur)
I remember being a little girl and hugging Nanna in it. Wearing it makes me feel close to her still.

JESS
Awww... put it on.
Cece dips her arms in. Nuzzles her nose and inhales.

CECE
Nanna.

JESS
You should do what makes you happy.

CECE
You’ll still be seen with me?

JESS
Always!

CECE
Cool. Be my Plus One for this red carpet charity event I’m working.

JESS
Proudly.
(then)
Can I wear my flannel?

Schmidt lopes up and throws a casual arm around Cece.

SCHMIDT
Sweet coat. Red mink, N’est ce pas?

CECE
You’re such a chick.

SCHMIDT
Give me a snap of it for “Cardi’s and Chutney”.

CECE
No, Schmidt. I told you I’m not going to be on your lifestyle blog.

SCHMIDT
Emily, Kimberley, and all the fashion blogging gang will love it! Having a real model will skyrocket my hits. I won’t tell anyone you’re my Pillow Pal- My Toe Tickler- My Indian Samosa of Sexy Time-

CECE
Jess, The limo will be here at 7.

Cece leaves. Schmidt thrusts a camera into Jess’ hands.

SCHMIDT
Snap today’s outfit. My new Espadrilles are right on trend.

Jess takes a few photos as Schmidt poses.

SCHMIDT (CONT’D)
Now a close up of the Espadrilles.

JESS
I have a thing about men’s feet...

SCHMIDT
Come on, Jess! Snap my ‘drilles!

JESS
(clicking without looking)
All set.

Winston shakes his head disapprovingly at Schmidt.

SCHMIDT
My blog is douche-jar exempt. It’s the anti-douche.

WINSTON
(gives Schmidt a “whatever look. Then:)
Jess, I’m not the type to wait for the school to call me in. I want to introduce myself to Tanya now.

JESS
Ohhh I think she remembers you.

INT. SCHMIDT’S PARTY BUS. NIGHT. FLASHBACK.

TANYA LAMONTAGNE, Jess party-hungry Vice Principal, slaps Winston’s ass and shoves dollar bills down his jeans.

WINSTON
Lady, the stripper is over there!

Points to MARTIN FULLER, the straight middle-aged man sadly dancing for other dudes. Tanya slaps Winston ass again.

TANYA
Nah. Shake it, black thunder!

BACK TO LOFT:
Winston grabs his briefcase. Clips on a tie.

WINSTON
That’s why I’m reintroducing myself as Business Winston.

JESS
I’m leaving if you want a ride.
(hands Schmidt his camera back as if it’s infected)
Uggh.

Winston and Jess leave. Schmidt reviews Jess' photos.

SCHMIDT
Amateur. Light is all wrong. You can’t see the texture of my V-neck.

NICK
Nobody cares what you’re wearing.

Schmidt flips open the laptop on the coffee table to pull up his blog.

SCHMIDT
Wrong! Cotton is the fabric of our lives.

There's a NEW GIRL in town...

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 22:16:00 +0000

I've finished my fourth draft of my spec screenplay of FOX's hit sitcom NEW GIRL, starring The Zooey Deschanel. I'm super proud of it. It's the funniest thing I've ever written, and it's a very personal story about women judging each other and committing women on women violence.

I'll be having a live reading of it this Sunday April 22nd at 8:30pm at the world famous iO West Theatre in Hollywood. The fun, food, and funny are FREE!

Please join me if you can - I need to get your feedback on making it the best script possible to send out to agents to go out for staffing season.

Watch This Movie: OTIS

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 05:48:00 +0000

- Elisabeth Fies

OTIS
(2008) minutes
Genres: Family, Comedy, Horror, Thriller, Satire, Family, Gender Issues
Feels: Funny, Empowering
Directed by: Tony Krantz
Written by: Erik Jendresen, Thomas Schauz
Starring: Bostin Christopher, Ashley Johnson, Daniel Stern, Illeana Douglas, and Kevin Pollack

LOGLINE: When their bright daughter is kidnapped by a loser serial killer, a dysfunctional family pulls together to bring her home and avenge her honor, American-style.

REVIEW: 4.5 out of 5 stars. Watch it now!

Sooooo funny. Has a terrific horror-comedy tone, which I didn't not realize from the main poster and trailer (I much prefer the ones I've posted here, though the trailer still doesn't capture OTIS's excellent mood). Guess I should have paid more attention to the cast, as Illeana Douglas and Kevin Pollack are their usual badass selves. All the actors are top notch including the wonderful Ashley Johnson who makes mincemeat of the prototypical victim role.

The screenplay is brilliant. I'm incredibly proud to report that this is not another torture porn against teen girls, but rather a dysfunctional family comedy about a smart teen who gets kidnapped, and what the family does to the serial killer (yes, with a lot of blood). Just typing that description makes me want to go watch the movie again. Director Tony Krantz knocks this one out of the park. Add it to the top of your queue!

Watch on AMAZON INSTANT
Rent DVD from NETFLIX
Watch the TRAILER

Interview with Suzanne Lyons

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 07:02:00 +0000

Here I am with my mentor Suzanne Lyons discussing some details about financing indie films using THE COMMUNE as an example. :)

Watch This Movie: LISA

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 09:55:00 +0000

- Elisabeth Fies

LISA

(1990) 95 minutes

Genres: Mystery, Psychological Thriller, Drama, Coming of Age, Gender Issues, Romance

Feels: Scary, Real, Disturbing, Melodramatic, Involving

Written and Directed by: Gary Sherman

Starring: Staci Keenan, Cherl Ladd, D.W. Moffett, Jeffrey Tambor

LOGLINE: A precocious, boy-crazy fourteen-year-old who isn't allowed to have her first date channels her energy into stalking a handsome ladykiller her mom's age. But instead of finding love with Mr. Wrong, she unwittingly makes her mother the serial killer's next target.

REVIEW: 4.5 out of 5 stars. Watch it now!

Absolutely adored it. A beautiful little time capsule that embodies the soul and angst of every teen girl blossoming in the late 80's. Don't understand your hormonal daughter? Watch this movie. This is the best kind of thriller: one where the filmmaker took the time to make you care what happens to the leads so you want them to be okay...but then makes dang sure every horrible thing that could happen to your beloved characters DOES.

The suspense scenes are handled perfectly, as are the mother/daughter bonding and bickering blocks. Staci Keenan is once again an absolute powerhouse (Why oh why did she disappear into the ghetto of "faith based" films?). Cheryl Ladd is lovely, and very effective. I had empathy for both characters and felt like I knew them. Director Gary Sherman brilliantly uses every chink in their Gilmore Girls-esque relationship against them as their house of cards collapses. Terrifying results ensue.

See the movie now on Netflix Instant

Because it's not on DVD and I don't want this gem to disappear: psssst search YouTube *wink wink. But I think you're horrible if you watch a movie this way, and owe the cast and crew a good review on IMDb and a note to MGM to release LISA. I even made it way easy for you by providing the linky-links.

Watch This Movie: PEACOCK

noreply@blogger.com (Kidsis) — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 12:30:00 +0000

I'm an acclaimed feature writer/director in Hollywood who has studied over 6,000 films. Since 2007, millions of Netflix members have ranked me as a Top 10 reviewer. Here is a movie I think is worth your time and money, and will enrich your life.
- Elisabeth Fies

PEACOCK
(2010) 90 minutes.
Genres: Mystery, Drama, Gay & Lesbian, Gender Issues, Period Piece, Psychological Thriller
Feels: Creepy, Cerebral, Hitchcockian, Satisfying, Empowering
Directed by: Michael Lander
Written by: Michael Lander, Ryan O Roy
Starring: Cillian Murphay, Ellen Page, Susan Sarandon, Bill Pullman

LOGLINE: In a small 1950s town, a train crash thrusts a recluse into scrutiny that dangerously unravels the false persona he has protected all his life.

REVIEW: 4 out of 5 stars. Highly recommended, and something I would watch again.

Gorgeous! A fresh take that does justice both to Hitchcock and disassociative identity disorder. A lot of love went into this film, from the tight screenplay to the lovely cast and period touches. Cillian is again superb, and the other characters surround him in a warm web of intimacy John/Emma are not built to handle. They really care about "him", and we really care about all of them...which makes the suspense build to an unbearable level. Is John/Emma a killer? Will the abused become an abuser? Can someone this outside of society survive it? A delicate, mindful, and disturbing film.

See the TRAILER
See the movie at Netflix
See the movie at Amazon