Kids, cat, dyslexia - my life as a single Mum.

I'm back!

2017-02-11T08:45:00.001-08:00

Hey, yes I know it's been years. I had quite a bad time for a while and wasn't really up to documenting it. Things still are not fantastic but they are a little more stable so here I am.

Some things haven't changed. I still have a psychotic cat, teenage drama queen is still creating masses of drama although she is st university now so some of it is at a distance. Plus she turns 20 in June so I suppose I will have to think of a new name for her. My darling dyslexic daughter is now in year 8 at senior school and continues to battle her way through life.

I hope to update you more frequently from now on having finally managed to access this blog again. Thanks Google 😘

Progress

2012-10-10T05:57:00.001-07:00

Some things may be falling apart, including me, but the really important stuff seems to be getting better! I had a phone call today from the Speech and Language Therapist who recently assessed Rebecca. The school had asked her to see Rebecca this time because she had previously had speech therapy for receptive and expressive language delays but had not been reassessed for ages. Anyway, the Therapist carried out a Language Link assessment and the good news was that Rebecca has made huge progress. She was slightly behind in one area but doesn't need any further speech therapy.

I'm really pleased about this and Rebecca is continuing to make progress in literacy and maths too so we seem to be getting somewhere!

Some things stagnate though. The ex may be coming tonight to see the girls but I am still waiting for him to let me know. I have a stinking cold too so if he does turn up then hopefully Ill infect him!!

Bye for now

Love Riki xxx

In the name of the father.....

2012-10-09T04:27:00.000-07:00

I've written before about my ex not seeing the girls enough but it's becoming an issue again. He hasn't seen them for two weeks and hasn't had them overnight since August. He phones maybe once a week and when he sees them in the week its for two hours max at our house and most of that time is spent watching TV. He does continue to support them financially and when things come up like Teenage Drama Queen's trip to Paris then he will pay his share.

The problem is that he doesn't seem to understand that parenting is not just about paying for your kids. It's about giving them your time and attention and taking an active part in their life. There is no doubt that he loves them but I'm coming to the conclusion that this love at a distance is all he's capable of and it makes me really sad for them. Whether this is to do with hang ups from his own childhood, I don't know. He lost his Dad at 14 and his mum was never very demonstrative. I'm just frustrated that I can't fix this for the girls. I can't make him be a better Dad.

In the meantime I carry on parenting 24/7 which with a child with special needs can be exhausting especially when there is no sign of a break for me at any time. I'm good at multi tasking but its not easy to be the mother and the father too

Still here, hanging on and not quite sinking yet

2012-10-01T03:01:00.000-07:00

My poor neglected blog! I can't believe how long it is since I wrote. I am a very naughty blogger!!

Anyway, not much has changed. I'm still here and still broke, overworked and knackered. Currently have five jobs. Three of which involve writing, hurrah! None of them pay particularly well but they mean that we are just about hanging on.

The teenager is good at the moment, her hormones seem to have settled and the tantrums and bitchy outbursts have virtually ceased. She's actually working hard at school, looking at college applications and choosing A levels for next year.

Rebecca's statement of special needs was agreed in March but the extra help was not up and running until September and the start of the new year. It seems to be going well at the moment, she's happy and likes her teacher. We saw her paediatrician last month and I tried to ask him about sensory processing disorder but he was quite dismissive. I do still think that Rebecca has some issues with sensory processing though and I'm not quite sure how to proceed now. She had some behavioural problems over the summer and started lashing out, particularly at her sister. I think part of the problem is that she finds it difficult to express herself if she gets angry. The paediatrician has offered to send me to a group for parents who have children with challenging behaviour but I've cut down on her TV time, tightened up on discipline and routines and there has already been a big improvement.

As for the cat, he's less psycho now. I told him that he's now middle aged in cat years so he needs to start being sensible.

So that's where we are at the moment. We might not have moved forward a lot but sometimes its an achievement just to manage to stay in the same place!

Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

Mixed Emotions

2012-03-07T02:08:00.002-08:00

I finally heard from the Local Education Authority today about the statutory assessment for Rebecca. Basically I won and she is going to receive a Statement of Special Needs. This will guarantee her 20 hours per week of learning assistance which I presume will be a mixture of individual help and help in a small group.

Its strange though, I expected to feel really elated if I was successful and was prepared for this to be turned down. Instead I just feel sad. This really sets out her problems and I think it just reinforced for me how difficult it is for her and how it will probably always be difficult. Its stupid, but I'm actually welling up while I'm typing this! I've known Rebecca has problems for a long time but it always hits you just that little bit harder when you see it spelt out on paper.

Hopefully this will be a turning point for her. A statement is legally enforceable and carries over to senior school. Twenty hours help per week could make a real difference combined with the work we do at home as well. So, I won this battle (and everybody including her school told me I had no chance!) but the fight goes on!

Onwards and upwards!

Riki xxx

Just say No

2012-02-21T05:27:00.001-08:00

I did something today which might sound mean. But having thought about it, I am quite pleased with myself for doing it.

Rebecca went back to school today and even with my sprained knee, I planned to walk as driving is surprisingly more painful. I got a text from the mum of a girl in her class asking if she could drop her daughter at my house and I take her into school as she had a training course to get to by 9.30am and still had to drop her toddler off. My heart sank a bit reading it. I was worried about walking to school anyway as I am still limping. If she walks alone with me then Rebecca will walk slowly and hold my hand. I just didn't feel that I could deal with two kids who would probably try and run ahead of me too. Also, I wondered why this mum hadn't sorted anything out already and why couldn't she use the school's breakfast club. And I have done favours for her before.

I felt mean though and part of me just wanted to say OK, I'll take her. Previously this is what I would have done and then probably felt resentful all day as I know this mum wouldn't have done anything for me in return. I have been reading again about being assertive though. So I took a deep breath and texted her back saying no and explaining about my knee.

I know this seems like something really little but there are so many times in the past that I would do favours that didn't suit me and that I had genuine reasons for saying no to. So Yayy, here's to the new assertive me.

Hope it lasts!

love Riki xxx

Mother or a Muppet?

2012-02-20T14:56:00.000-08:00

It's been a long week but the end is in sight. Teenage Drama Queen went back to school today and Rebecca goes tomorrow. I have come to the conclusion that poor weather and lack of funds during a school holiday is not a good combination!

We did manage to go out a couple of times including one trip to see The Muppets. I was immediately transported back to my childhood and Saturday evenings spent watching the Muppet Show so it was a bittersweet feeling. The film was very funny though and Rebecca is now a big Muppet fan and according to her I can do an ace impression of Miss Piggy.

Half term was made more difficult by me damaging my knee. I was carrying some bags downstairs in one hand and the hoover in the other hand when I slipped. I dropped the hover but slid down the stairs with one leg twisted behind me. I think I've pulled a ligament, its slowly getting better but I'm still limping and have to strap it up every day. I always knew hoovering was bad for me!!!

The only other thing to happen this week was the ex made his evening visit. He really surpassed himself this time by turning up at quarter to eight and staying for less than an hour. He doesn't seem to phone anymore and has made no suggestions about having the girls again. It's so sad for them. Rebecca was talking about him again and asking again if it was her fault that he left. She said that she feels ashamed that her Daddy doesn't live with her. Its so sad and I really do despise him for the way he treats the girls.

Both girls were talking this week about me finding someone else. I said it couldn't be an option for me at the moment. A line from the song Jar of Hearts keeps going through my head "I've learned to live half a life". It seems appropriate for my situation.

Still, I'm hanging in there and yes, for the things that I've given up and the sacrifices I've made, some people might think I'm a bit of a muppet. But I'm a mother first and foremost and I would change that for the world.

Bye for now

love Riki xxx

Instruction Manuals

2012-01-24T15:19:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking tonight how much easier life would be if kids came with their own individual instruction manual. It could pop out with the placenta!

If the Teenage Drama Queen has kids and they give her the sort of grief that she gives me, I will laugh hysterically. Today was a prime example. Her school contacted me this morning to ask why she was late. We live less than 10 minutes away from school so there is no excuse for her to ever be late. She had no proper excuse, her friend who normally knocks for her was off and she just didn't look at the time. If this was a one off then I wouldn't have made a big deal of it but she has been late about eight times so far this school year. The last time it happened,I told her that I would be harsh with her if it happened again so today I had to follow through with that. She has 6 weeks of very early bedtimes with no phone or laptop allowed in bedroom. I hope if she is in bed earlier then it might be easier for her to get up in the morning. She called me an idiot and told me I was overreacting but I did manage to get her into bed by half ten. It was supposed to be ten o'clock though.

Rebecca has been giving me a little bit of trouble lately too. She had her annual meeting with the Educational Psychologist last week which was brought forward so he could submit a report for her Statutory Assessment. One of his recommendations was that she follows the Toe by Toe scheme. I tried starting this with her in the summer. It is very good and I'd recommend it for anyone whose child has difficulty in reading. It has to be done every day for 10 - 15 minutes. The school are only working on it with Rebecca on a Thursday so the responsibility falls on me for the rest of the week. Rebecca is always quite tired after school and has been very grumpy and tearful so it has taken a lot of cajoling to get her to work on it. She also had a medical this week for the Statutory Assessment. I was disappointed as I didn't feel it was very thorough. She still has problems due to the hyper mobility in her joints and although I mentioned this, the Doctor didn't even examine them.

As for me, I'm still the same. Still knackered, still got a cough and still broke, but at least I'm still here!!

Speak soon

love Riki xxx

Sinking

2012-01-19T15:08:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a nice up beat post this evening but now I'm not! You can blame the Teenage Drama Queen for the change of mind as she just thoroughly pissed me off by casually announcing that she has yet again gone more than twenty pounds over the Internet allowance on her phone. She knows that I am scrimping and saving every penny to try and clear our debts but still persists in just wasting money like this. I'm at my wits end with her. She contributes nothing to this family, is rude and lazy and expects the world to revolve around her and everything to be handed to her on a plate. I don't think its just because she's a teenager either. It makes me sad as I wonder if I've failed her in some while to make her grow up like this? It's a terrible fault of mine that I tend to blame myself for every thing and am always looking inward to analyse what have I done wrong or what could I do differently. There's nothing wrong with a little introspection but I am prone to take it to extremes!

I was already in a grotty mood tonight. The ex came over to see the girls. He was here for about an hour and a half. I had to keep telling Rebecca to calm down and stop being silly in front of him. After he had gone, she said she was trying to get his attention as all he was doing was talking to the Teenage Drama Queen. How sad is that? There was also another hint from him tonight that he reads our Twitter accounts. That annoyed me. He won't like mine anyway as it's never very complementary.

I ought to be working instead of talking to you, but I feel so grotty that I think I'll give up for tonight. I've had a cough since New Years that I can't shake and it's really starting to drag me down.

Speak soon and I promise to try and be more upbeat then

love Riki xxx

Birthday Blues

2012-01-16T04:24:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday

Guess what?? It's my birthday.

As soon as I woke up this morning, the radio started bombarding me with stories about how this is the most miserable day of the year and everyone is depressed today. I opened the paper and it was the same story. Now I'm not into huge birthday celebrations now, it's more just a feeling of dread that I'm another year older. But it is a bit much to hear that everyone is so miserable on your birthday.... Even Rebecca asked me why my birthdays are so sad. I think she expected me to have a party or something. We would normally have gone out for a meal tonight but I am so broke that we are staying in.

I have no money to go out shopping and treat myself either. So far the highlight of my day has been having a long bubble bath.

As I started with a song today, I'm going to end with one. Love the lyrics to this, saw her on stage this year and she was phenomenal!

Jessie

And no, I'm not going to tell you how old I am now!!

Love Riki xxx

Running out of Rabbits

2012-01-13T15:07:00.000-08:00

I used to compare being a single parent to being a juggler with the endless multi tasking being the balls you have to keep in the air. But now I think my role is probably more like a magician. I'm constantly having to find ways of achieving what looks impossible. Whether it's hacking the teenage drama queen's phone when she's forgotten her password, juggling credit cards to get another 6 months 0% credit or finding yet another source of income to try and keep a standard of life that is frankly becoming impossible to maintain.

So I've spent years pulling rabbits out of various hats and continued to achieve the impossible with no help. But lately it's become harder and I'm running out of rabbits hence the title of this post! I'm not sure why it seems so much harder. I've been ill since New Year so that certainly hasn't helped and it is exactly 5 months tomorrow since the ex had the girls over night so single parenting 24/7 with no respite for that long has worn me down. Also I'm feeling guilty about not doing enough extra work with Rebecca as well. Her reading hasn't really improved over the last year even though her writing has and with the Statutory Assessment coming up, I just feel like I should be doing more but there's only so much you can cram into each day. If the teenage drama queen would get off her butt once in a while and help around the house then it might make life easier.

I'm also feeling a little depressed as it's my birthday on Monday and I've now reached the age when instead of celebrating, I just think Oh Christ, another year older! Still, with any luck someone might buy me some rabbits!!!

love Riki xxx

Absentee Father

2012-01-06T15:04:00.000-08:00

Its a constantly recurring topic in the media to talk about fathers who are denied access to their children. Its an important issue and does need public attention but what about fathers who just don't bother to see their kids?

The access arrangements with my ex have always been very flexible. I told him he could basically see the girls whenever he wanted. As we live in Essex and he has always lived some distance away, I felt that I needed to be very flexible and I wanted the girls to have regular contact with him. I am concerned now though that the contact with the girls seems to be dwindling. The girls have not stayed overnight with the ex since last August!

Last summer the ex and the girlfriend gave up their flat and moved in with his mother due to their finances. This does mean that space is limited and I appreciate that it might be difficult to have the girls overnight, but surely he could take them for the day? Things were made worse in October when the ex broke his leg. Obviously he couldn't drive or travel on the tube. I did offer to take the girls over during the half term holiday but when the ex discovered that I couldn't just leave them and come back later (its a 2 hour journey there by the way!) he made an excuse. He saw the girls once before Christmas for 4 hours when the girlfriend drove over and they took the girls out (found out this was because he were driving somewhere else later and we were on the way)

The ex is now out of plaster and driving again. I spoke to him yesterday to ask if he wanted the girls for his mum's birthday next month. He waffled a response and its clear that he's unlikely to have them. I feel like reminding him that he may have divorced me, but that doesn't mean that he's divorced the girls! I don't really know what to do, I can't make him be more interested in seeing them. There's no way to enforce custody.

I think the thing that bugs me the most though is that he has never said anything to me about not having them overnight. If he had said about not being able to have them stay due to lack of space while he's living at his mums, then I would have understood. That would have been the courteous thing to do, but the ex has never be strong on courtesy!

Speak soon

love Riki xxx

Carpe Diem - Seize the Day

2012-01-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note before bed. I am feeling quite positive tonight. Perhaps because this is the calm before the storm and I drop back into the maelstrom of school runs, homework, work, housework and debts tomorrow.

I'm not really sure why I feel OK tonight tonight but I suppose I'd describe it as having a feeling of inner peace (Jesus, that sounds really cheesy so I apologise for that!!). AnywayIi have a real feeling that I could change things for the better this year. I have four jobs sorted at the moment and job five is lined up to apply for once job three's contract finishes in Feb. Perhaps I'm just light headed as the New Year diet started today and my body may have gone into shock that I've stopped trying to consume my own body weight in food every day! Maybe its just that the St Johns Wort was stronger than normal today.

Anyway, whatever has caused it, I shall try and hang on to the positive mood of Carpe Diem and seize my day. Or as Homer Simpson put it, I will seize my donuts! particularly if I fall off the diet.

Love and peace

Riki xxx

Death

2012-01-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

I know nobody is particularly keen on the thought of dying; but I am absolutely and completely terrified and the feeling has got worse as I've grown older.

Eastenders set me off tonight as it was the extended episode with the death of Pat. At first I was upset because it reminded me of when my mum died and brought back my guilt about her dying alone. I then got depressed because its my birthday in two weeks and my mum was only 8 years older than mecwhdn she got cancer the first time.

Now I just feel bad because I know I'm quite unhealthy at the moment and really need to lose some weight. I eat when I'm stressed so, with my life, that's fairly constant!

Only way I can manage to snap myself out of this mood generally is by thinking yes, we all die including me, but it won't be today.

NOT TODAY!

Love Riki xxx

I hate New Years Eve

2011-12-31T13:07:00.000-08:00

I know I'm probably in a small minority when I say this, but I really don't like New Years Eve and never have done.

When you're younger, New Years Eve means the pressure of having to go out. I can remember frantically ringing round trying to find someone having a party that we could go to. When we were first going out, my ex used to go to Ireland for Christmas and New Year so I'd be stuck at home. My mum would probably be ironing and I'd sit there bored stiff through hours of dire tv.

Now New Years Eve means just me and the girls. I have no real family left and no close friends to go to. Took the girls out to eat and the cinema but now we are back home.

New Years also makes me look back and think what I've achieved over the last year and, to me, it's ever enough!

Anyway I hope that everyone else has a Happy New Year and may you get everything that you deserve in the New Year

Love Riki xxx

Lego

2011-12-29T09:01:00.000-08:00

Ed Sheeran - Lego House

I really feel like this should be my theme song for the last few days. Rebecca got some Dr Who Lego for Christmas for her day and it came with 80 pages of instructions. It took two whole days to put together during which time various pieces were lost and found under the couch and there were several collapses including one of epic proportions when psycho cat took a flying leap and landing right on top of it.

I finally finished it last night with the help of a large brandy. Rebecca was very pleased this morning and managed to play with it for five whole minutes before breaking it! So probably not one of her most successful presents.

One present which has been much more successful is the Innotab. This is basically like an ipad for kids and is fantastic. Rebecca has struggled with other laptops designed for kids as most require you to read instructions on the screen. Being dyslexic, this obviously takes her longer and can be frustrating for her. The innotab though is different as all instructions are spoken and appear on screen as well. Also, it is completely touch screen. I would thoroughly recommend the Innotab for any children with dyslexia or any problems with auditory processing or co-ordination.

Bye for now,

Love Riki xxx

Statutory Assessment

2011-12-27T02:31:00.000-08:00

I haven't written about this before, but I thought some people might find it useful to read about my experiences. I recently requested a Statutory Assessment for Rebecca. Although her school has I insisted that they are doing all they can for her, even without a fogmal diagnosis of dyslexia, her progress has been slow and tortuous. Her teacher has said several times that she wished she could spend more time helping Rebecca.

I first wrote to the head of the Local Education Authority using a sample letter provided by www.IPSEA.co.uk. This is a fantastic site who offer impartial help and advice to parents with special needs children. I stressed in the letter that I was prepared to appeal if rejected a d to go to a SEN tribunal if necessary.

I was then asked to submit evidence about Rebecca to support my application. I would advise other parents to make this as detailed as possible. I covered all problems she'd had since birth and also quoted the codes of practice that Education Authorities are supposed to follow. I also included copies of all reports I had ever received about Rebecca as appendixes. Her school and the Educational psychologists also provided evidence.

Once my evidence had been submitted iwas I voted to meet with the SEN officer assigned as my caseworker. This was useful as I was able to stress what outcome I wanted. The caseworker then presented my case to the SEN panel and thankfully they agreed! So Rebecca will now receive a full Statutory Assessment and will receive either a statement of special needs or a note in lieu. Either way, Rebecca will get extra help at school. The assessment is still ongoing so I will let you know what happens.

Speak soon, love Riki xxx

Gone in a flash

2011-12-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

I spent months preparing for it and scraping money together, spent days wrapping presents and yet it sped by in the wink of an eye. Yep, Christmas is over for another year.

I love watching the kids open their presents and thankfully they were thrilled with everything this year; but once that's over then my spirits always sink a little. I think its the effort to be so bloody cheerful and jolly, including smiling at the ex when he makes his morning visit instead of sitting and working out what hes spent on the girls.

I suppose he should be grateful that he actually managed to see them on Christmas Day this year The stupid man broke his leg off roading on a motorbike in October and has seen the girls only twice since then. He hasn't had them overnight since August either.

So even Boxing Day is over now and it's back to hideous normality and working out whether my overdraft will cover the shopping bill this week or if not, which credit card can i squeeze it onto. My internet assessor contract finishes at the end of February and I seriously need to sort out a replacement job. This has been made even more urgent by my bank realising that I earn nowhere near as much as I used to and deciding to downgrade my bank account. I wouldn't care about this in itself but it also means my overdraft is reduced by 75% from March. I may need to sell a kidney!!!

Good job really that Christmas is over as the Christmas spirit has definitely left me now!

Baa Humbug! And speak to you soon

love Riki xx

Hiding in the bunker! Pass the tin helmet now!

2011-05-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

Well, have spent the last few weeks dodging teenage verbal bullets so if I had a bunker then, believe me, I'd be cowering at the bottom.

Things got so bad with the Teenage Drama Queen that I actually appealed to the ex for help. This was after she had been so unremittingly nasty to me that I had ended up in tears for the fourth night running. Needless to say, he was no use at all and even gave her money for the weekend. I only managed to get through to her a bit when I really told her exactly how she was making me feel which I think surprised her. I don't know how much of this was due to hormones as she has just started her periods too. Anyway, she started to come out of evil teenager mode and apart from a few relapses, she hasn't been too bad for the last week.

I am still having problems with how she treats Rebecca and Rebecca was definitely bothered by her sisters attitude to me. Poor Rebecca has been exhausted anyway as she has been trying again to stop sucking her thumb which means she hasn't slept as well and she is doing her SATS at school. The school has adapted the SATS for Rebecca. Her teacher agreed that it could be demoralising for her and we already know she is below the national averages so there's no benefit in her struggling through the ordinary paper.

On top of all this drama at home, i have been working like a dog at my Internet assessors job and finding it really difficult to fit the required hours in. Shame, because I need as much money as I can get especially with the Teenage Drama Queen's birthday coming up. I'm hoping the ex might help out financially with that, but am not holding my breath!!

If the peace treaty at home holds, there hopefully i will be around more regularly. Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

I Depend On Me

2011-05-01T16:10:00.000-07:00

If Russell Crowe walked into my house now, told me he was single and I was the woman of his dreams, what would I do?

This might seem a random question if you didn't know that I'm watching Gladiator at the moment.

Anyway, I honestly think that I'd say Hi Russ, I'm very flattered but no thanks, not at the moment mate. The more I think about it, the more I can see me continuing on my own. I can't see how I could fit a relationship into my life as it stands and make it work. Part of me also doesn't want to have another person to take into consideration all the time. I do miss being in a relationship though, it's the sharing of stuff and having someone to rely on to help instead of knowing that the only person I can rely on is me. It makes you strong, but it's a bloody lonely position to be in. I swore when the ex walked out that the girls would be my priority in life and they would always know that they come first. If I succeed in that, then nothing else matters really.

This has sort of been my theme song for the last 7 years

However brave I'm being though, Adele still makes me cry...

Bye for now

love Riki

Eeeeek, now this could be interesting!!!

2011-04-26T04:22:00.000-07:00

We got an invitation today which was really nice. It's from the ex's family. His cousin's son is having his first Holy Communion and the girls and I are invited. I was really happy about this as I've made efforts to keep in touch with them and they were really nice to me when the ex walked out. But then I had a thought......

The ex is the boy's godfather.

Leaving aside the fact that I don't think he has seen him since his christening, the ex will definitely be invited to this. According to Teenage Drama Queen, her dad and the girlfriend were talking about an invitation at the weekend but changed the subject and wouldn't tell her what it was about when she asked.

You are probably thinking what is the fuss, we have been separated for a long time so what is the problem about both attending? Well, that is what normal people would think, but we are talking about the ex here! Since he walked out, we have only been at the same party once. Funny, that was a Holy Communion too. The ex acted liked a complete prat that day and every time I walked into a room, he walked out. He made the situation so awkward that i ended up apologising to the friends hosting the party. The next time they had a party, he was invited along with the girlfriend and me and the girls were not invited. I was really hurt by that as I had acted maturely and we were the ones pushed out.

The only family function he has attended was a wedding that I couldn't go to anyway.

I am definitely going to this party so it could be very very very awkward especially as the party bit is in a house where it's not easy to avoid people and this time the girlfriend will be in tow as well. I'll be driving so I can't even have a drink for dutch courage.

It's in 4 weeks time so Hello Crash Diet (girlfriend is 10 years younger than me and very skinny) and I definitely need a new outfit. It's silly ,I know, but if I feel that I look good then I'll be able to cope more with whatever happens. If he starts the walking out the room thing again, then I think I'll tell the stupid man to grow up!!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

Fight, Fight with all your might. Teenagers can argue all night!!!

2011-04-25T15:59:00.000-07:00

Well, it's the end of the Easter holidays and Teenage Drama Queen has finished them in style, Ha! Nothing I have done or said has gone down well with her since they got back from their Dads.

Easter Sunday, she stayed in her bedroom virtually all day on her laptop. I dragged her out for our traditional egg hunt and she did it with such a bad attitude that it ruined it for me. She moaned that the clues were too easy and then tried to push in front of Rebecca every time to get to the eggs and the next clue. Rebecca actually ended up in tears at one point. I told her to grow up and was it the end of the world if she let her little sister get there first? She is sooooo competitive! I'd made a special Easter cake as well which neither of them liked very much so I failed there as well.

Today she got up and said she felt ill again (I should mention that she has been an absolute nightmare to get to bed all through the holiday!) I convinced her that fresh air might help and she came in the garden this afternoon. All she did though was snipe at Rebecca and call her names. Then tonight I tried to get her to bed at ten and it was half eleven before I succeeded. I tried talking to her about her attitude but the only response was how much she hates school and how everything is soooo bad. She really is in the frame of mind where she thinks that no-one could possibly be worse off than her. She does worry me and her attitude to Rebecca seems to be getting worse. She knows all about Rebecca's problems and issues but still persists in calling her weird and other nasty comments. Rebecca already has self esteem issues and it worries me what effect her sister's comments are having.

I am really not sure what to do about her, I hope it's just a phase. She's only thirteen so don't tell me I have years of this type of behaviour to endure! I feel like a really bad, bad mummy for writing this next sentence. I know she's my daughter and i love her unconditionally, but I don't like her very much at the moment.....

Still, it's school for both of them tomorrow so a bit of peace for me and a chance to recover. Bye for now

love Riki xxxxx

Mean Mummy!!

2011-04-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

The girls have gone to their Dads overnight and while I am grateful for my 24 hours off from being Super Mummy. I am feeling a bit mean!

Teenage Drama Queen staggered out of bed this morning and announced that she felt ill and didn't want to go to Dads. This is nothing new as she never wants to go. She got no sympathy from me and I told her she had to go as she wasn't staying at home on twitter and facebook all day (how she has occupied herself for the last two days). Anyway she went in the end as she didn't want to leave Rebecca to go on her own. This is the only time she actually gets protective about Rebecca and she does look after her.

So they drove off with the ex who was wearing a really hideous pair of shorts. I keep wondering when his mid life crisis will actually end, it must be stressful keeping up with a girlfriend that much younger than him. Sorry,I got distracted into bitching about the ex, but they went and i went off to Tesco. I was in the middle of shopping when Teenage Drama Queen texted to say she had been violently sick at Dads and felt awful. We had a bit of a conversation and she has been sick a couple of times since then. Rebecca was ill earlier this week (threw up in my bed one night) so she obviously has the same bug.

I just feel like a mean Mummy for making her go today when she did want to stay at home and said she felt ill. Her Dad lives two hours away so he can't just drop her back. I must admit though that part of me is thinking it's good that he has to deal with an illness once. He normally refuses to visit if they are ill in case he catches it. I had to get out of bed with gastric flu once to look after the girls who were ill too.

But still my baby is poorly and I'm not there to look after her. So while i am enjoying the sunshine and sitting in the garden with a beer,I do feel guilty. Aaaaah, the guilts of motherhood!!

Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

Running the Mummy Marathon

2011-04-17T16:45:00.000-07:00

We watched the London Marathon today, mainly because the ex was running and the girls wanted to try and see him. We had intended to go to London to watch but Rebecca was sick last night and this morning (once in the car, three times on the front room carpet and once in a bowl!).Anyway, we didn't see him but he did finish apparently.

Anyway tonight I got to thinking about everything I had to do today and everything I didn't have time to do and decided my life is like a Mummy Marathon!! Today, I fetched and carried and cleared up after Rebecca who lay on the couch for most of the day, cleaned the kitchen and cleared out some cupboards, did all the washing and got it dry, changed the beds, cooked Sunday dinner, worked for a while on the laptop and did the ironing. I should also mention the time spent consoling Teenage Drama Queen who came home yesterday from holiday with her friend's family and has been depressed every since. She is moping around complaining and generally acting like it is such a bad thing to be home. This hasn't exactly made me feel good...

So all in all, I think the marathon runners may have have it easier today. The London Marathon appeared to be less stressful than the Mummy Marathon.

Bye for now

love Riki xxxx

I do love meerkats!

2011-04-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

I think we've all had days when we feel like this -

I know I did after the news from ex about divorce but I shook it off and took Rebecca to the zoo to the day which is where we met the meerkat who had collapsed in the sun. We had a lovely day and it reminded me again how lucky i am to have my girls. They are what I fight for every day and the reason why i have 3 jobs and a possible lead on job number 4. I'll say no more about that at the moment but watch this space.

The ex has gone silent. I don't know whether to be worried about that or not. One one hand it could be that he thought I was in a stupid panic about the house and he doesn't need to comment or it could be that he doesn't want to say anything about the house because he has other plans for it. That is the possibility that is worrying me. He pays the mortgage at the moment. It's the only way to keep the house. If he refuses or says he can't afford it anymore, then I will have to sell and I won't have enough to buy anywhere and I don't earn enough for a mortgage. He has never had legal advice before so I am concerned that now his guilt over his actions (cheating while i was pregnant and walking out when Rebecca was only 3 months old) have subsided, the incentive to pay the mortgage has lessened. Especially with his girlfriend's biological clock clanging in his ear like Big Ben!

Worrying won't help me so will try and not think too much about it.

Teenage Drama Queen is having a good time on holiday with her friend's family. I've missed her lots and it's been very quiet but she's texted me every day. I'm looking forward to her coming home on Saturday so we can have a big family hug -

Bye for now

love Riki xxx