Kids Playing with Skulls

Holy crap, it's 2012!

2012-01-01T12:33:00.000-08:00

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman

Well, Neil, I plan on surprising myself all over the place this year. And I'm hoping the madness will all be good.

It's been hard for me to get back into blogging. I've been considering it for a while, but couldn't come up with a story or "script" to get the ball rolling again. I haven't been doing much of the things that I would normally blog about (cooking, crafting, art making) for various reasons, and my self-imposed exile from all things social that began last spring/summer has been difficult to break. I only recently re-activated my facebook profile, and even that was a big step.

But New Years Day seems to bring a good excuse to do some public reflection, and I think I'm up for it...

So, what's changed in the last year?

I'm no longer vegan. I'm still largely vegan, but choose to eat some dairy. It started out as a way to get some extra protein and calcium after learning I shouldn't be eating soy, and it turns out I kinda like it. I still prefer my pizza & nachos cheeseless, and don't like lattes made with dairy, but I do eat organic yoghurt pretty much every day and don't always ask for "no cheese" while eating out. I even had ice cream cake at Kirk's last birthday. Honestly, I was afraid to say this online, as I know some people read this blog because it's a vegan blog, but I'm not ashamed of doing what I think is right for myself and hope that most won't judge too harshly. I'm still a committed vegetarian and have been for 2/3 of my life.

I found out, after four surgical procedures and a lot of tears, that I can in fact get pregnant. And then I miscarried, twice. This whole roller coaster fertility journey has taught me a lot, about myself and about life in general. I learned that I can be very fragile yet very strong all at the same time. I learned all too well that, as we've always heard, life is not fair. I learned who I can count on when the shit really hits the fan. I learned that people with good intentions sometimes say the wrong thing, and you can't hold a grudge. I learned that life is short and tenuous and we should never, ever forget that.

I am not the kind of person who believes that everything happens for a reason. I believe that it's a good idea to search for a positive outcome, no matter how tiny, when things are bleak, but I also believe that we're mostly out here flailing about on our own with no "plan" from some god or universal force. That's not a negative to me, but a very strong argument for keeping ourselves grounded, making the best choices we can, and not beating ourselves up for things that are out of our control. I do believe, however, that everything that has led me to this point in my life has helped prepare me for what lies ahead. More specifically, the ups and downs of trying to become a mother have helped prepare me, in whatever small way, for the joys and heartbreaks that come with motherhood.

I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with a little boy. I believe he is the one we will finally meet and share a life with. Kirk and I are both joyous and terrified to meet our son, and after everything that's happened it still seems very surreal.

My only New Years resolution this year is a vague one:
I plan on keeping my head up and facing whatever life throws at me with strength and dignity. 2012, I'm ready for you.

Some Reflections

2011-07-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

So 2011 is more than halfway done, and it's not been what I had envisioned at all. When I made my list of resolutions last winter I didn't anticipate having two miscarriages within 5 months. It's really throwing me for a loop, and it's hard not to just lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself. That accomplishes nothing, so I've decided to revisit my goals and see what I can do to salvage some of them...

1. Lose 10 more pounds and stay at a healthy weight.
Well, I'm an emotional eater, so I am nowhere near accomplishing this goal. Quite the opposite, in fact.

2. Exercise more regularly. Find an activity I like doing, other than yoga.
Yeah, not so much. But this can be fixed quite easily and would help with #1.

3. Raise at least $5000 for Save the Brains.
Save the Brains is happening on August 26th this year at the Biltmore. I had a really hard time getting into planning it, as my head has been elsewhere. Thank goodness to my friend Stephanie, who has been an enormous help. Thanks Steph - xo.

4. Get our finances under control. We won't be able to pay off all our debt this year, but we can come up with a plan and stick to it. This will alleviate an enormous amount of stress.
Not at all...

5. Take the time to paint and craft more, and sell some stuff. I'd really like to actually get a viable online business going by next fall.
I'm working on this. I'm currently refinishing a chair for the bedroom, and have a bunch of other home decor projects planned. No online business in the works, but that can happen next year and I'm fine with it.

6. Cook more. I got Great Chefs Cook Vegan from my brother and sister-in-law for Christmas, and I already have The Artful Vegan, so I plan on making some new fancy dishes. I'm also planning on taking advantage of my slow cooker and making regular hearty dishes on the cheap.
Not really.

7. Blog more. I totally shit the bed on the last 10 days Vegan MoFo 2010. I tried my best, I really did, but work and school just killed it.
Kinda. There's still room for improvement, but it's getting there.

8. Join some classes and meet some new people. Maybe I'll start a meet-up of my own. I went to a Knit n' Sip at a pub in Nanaimo last year that was a lot of fun...
Well, I tried doing a knit & sip, and only two people showed up and spent quite a bit of time complaining about the location. I went to a vegan meet-up and had a great time and had some fabulous food. Maybe I'll look into a class for September.

So it's not as bad as I thought. I just need to put my mind to getting out of this funk and moving on.

Flowers!

2011-07-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

If people are going to keep giving me flowers, I'm going to have to buy a vase...

Flowers from Shaunna in a Bodum carafe,
and from Jessy in a Hurricane glass from Pat O'Brien's in New Orleans.

Thanks guys!

Lost another one

2011-07-11T20:11:00.001-07:00

Well, we lost another pregnancy this past weekend. I am heart-broken, and not sure what to do now.

This Week in My Kitchen: Stuffed Peppers and Chocolate Chai Cookies

2011-06-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

Stuffed Peppers Two Ways

I love stuffed peppers. So much so, that one day I had it twice, for breakfast and lunch!

For this one I used a poblano pepper stuffed with Yves Ground Chicken and taco seasoning, baked it in the toasted oven and topped with melted Daiya cheese and salsa. I had some leftover rice, so I served it with that. Fantastic breakfast, if I do say so myself.

For lunch I stuffed a red bell pepper with a bit of ground chicken and a bunch of sauteed mushrooms and onions. I baked it in the toaster oven and melted some daiya cheese on it. Served with salsa, it was a delicious lunch.

Chai Chocolate Chip Cookies

These are the the Chocolate Chai Shortbread Cookies from Vegan Cookies Take Over Your Cookie Jar. I had trouble slicing them because they're so crumbly, so I shaped them into little pucks and baked them that way. Despite the trouble forming them, they were really tasty. Recommended.

Family Photos

2011-06-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

I've been going through the photos on my computer, trying to get them organized. Here are a few family photos, mostly from last Christmas. I thought I'd share so you can see how lucky I am!

Kirk painting at his desk.

Kirk with his mom & sister. Adorable.

My Mum...

...and my brother, in almost the same pose.

Mum's dog Toto. Kirk & I got her a lobster dinner toy set,
and promptly put the lobster on her head to take photos.

Jerry. She's my best girl.

Chaos.

Monkey, the "tough one", making biscuits on a blanket.

Seattle 2011, part 6, the final one

2011-06-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

I have a few leftover Seattle photos, so here they are:

Here's the hallway in our hotel, Inn at Queen Anne. Each floor had different light fixtures, and these were my favourite. Inn at Queen Anne is a pretty neat hotel. It looks like it used to be a rooming house, many many years ago. Every room has a kitchenette that's in a little alcove, and there are non-functioning doorbells at each door. You even get a real key for your room, not those goofy cards that always get demagnitized. On the downside, the parking lot is tiny and there's no guarantee you'll get a space, and there's garbage pick up or something at 4:45 that woke me up because we had the window open. There is air conditioning in each room, but I prefer fresh air. Overall though, we liked it and would definitely go back.

A crayon paste up in Capitol Hill, right outside the Blick's Art Supply store.

More paste-ups near Seattle Centre. I love these ones!

On Wednesday we went to Roq La Rue gallery, which is a great little low-brow, pop-surrealist gallery on 2nd. The art there was amazing!John Brophy is my new favourite artist - Man, I wish I could paint like that! They also have a nice selection of art books. Kirk got one about Robert Williams and I finally got Tara McPherson's second book, Lost Constellations.

We had a great time in Seattle, which is a good thing, since it's the only vacation Kirk and I are taking together this year.

Seattle 2011, part 5

2011-06-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

THIS IS MY 100TH POST! WOOHOO!

My absolute favourite restaurant in Seattle is Roti, an Indian place in Queen Anne. The name makes it sound like a fast food joint, but that is certainly not the case! It's the most beautifully ornate restaurant I've ever eaten in (and I eat in a lot of restaurants, in case you hadn't noticed), and the food is to die for! Every time I go to Seattle I have to go there and have the Mango Jal-frezi. More about mango jal-frezi later...

All of their menus are housed in beautifully painted and embroidered covers. Each is different, and I've never gotten the same one twice.

Everything in Roti is ornately detailed, from the ceiling tiles, the walls, and every piece of furniture. There's no shortage of things to look at and admire.

I thought Kirk was taking a photo of the painting behind me. Look at the carved wood wall. Amazing!

The tables are carved and enameled wood. Even the dishes are beautiful. The water mugs are hammered brass, and the cutlery has copper handles. Even the glass Kirk's Coke came in was beautiful.

Oh, and the food is delicious too... We started with the vegetable pakoras because Kirk cannot resist a pakora. I love them too. They bring you three little dishes of condiments, two red and one green. I have no idea what they might be, but the green one is my favourite.

This is my plate. We had mango jal-frezi, which is a spicy mixed vegetable dish with mango and coconut milk. It might just well be the best thing I've ever eaten. We also had channa masala, which is equally amazing, with rice and garlic naan. I'm salivating just thinking about that meal. Sigh.

The portions were big and we had enough leftover for two more meals.

Tomorrow, Seattle stuff that does not involve food - imagine that!

Seattle 2011, part 4

2011-06-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday morning we slept in. Well, Kirk slept in and I watched old episodes of Reba on tv and listened to him snoring. After we were both up and ready to go, we set out in search for lunch. Although Kirk had enjoyed breakfast at Sunlight Cafe, he was disappointed that there was no bacon involved. Being the wonderful wife that I am, I found LunchBox Laboratory on the internet. Their catchphrase is "Where 6 pieces of bacon is just average!", and they have a pretty good-sounding veggie burger, so I thought it was the perfect compromise.

We trudged up the hill to the South Lake Union neighbourhood, which is a pretty cool place with boutique stores and a college campus.

The restaurant is in a beautiful space with lots of light and lava lamps all over the place. The service was amazing, the waitress quick and friendly (and pretty too).

This place is condiment city! They have J&D's Malt Salt on every table (J&D are notorious for developing Bacon Salt - Malt Salt seems to be their first foray into non-bacon-based condiments), as well as a selection of their own flavoured salts and the usual Tabasco and ketchup.

Yes, there's a bite out of that pickle. I couldn't wait until after I took the photo!

I won't show you Kirk's burger, because it was truly disgusting (and he was very happy). Mine was a house made black bean patty with sauteed onions and bbq sauce, with tater tots on the side. It was big and messy and delicious. We were so stupidly full when we left that we decided to walk up to Capitol Hill and then back downtown to catch a movie (Pirates of the Caribbean 4), stopping at numerous art supply stores along the way. A good day, to be sure.

Tomorrow, my favourite Indian restaurant ever!

Seattle 2011, part 3

2011-06-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday after breakfast we drove to Tacoma (why not?) and went to a motorcycle parts shop. Fun for Kirk, tolerable for me. We drove around downtown Tacoma, which is actually quite pretty and has nice looking museums. The only thing I knew of Tacoma previously was the Neko Case song:

We drove back just after noon and parked the car at the hotel, had a little nap (another big part of our vacation ritual), and went for a walk. We walked all the way through downtown, around Pioneer Square, and back. It's about a 5 mile walk (I checked on Google Maps).

On the way back we were pretty tired and hungry, so we stopped at Petra Mediterranean Bistro in Belltown.

The decor was beautiful and it was full of nice looking, well-dressed people in their fifties, so we figured it must be pretty good. I had a glass of French white wine, and the red lentil soup to start.

Now, the red lentil soup at Nuba is my favourite and a lot to live up to. It's the kind of soup I dream about at night. This soup was really good, but not quite Nuba-worthy. Still, I enjoyed it all the same.

As an entree I had the Veggie Combo, which was piled high with Spanish rice, falafels, dolmathes, hummus and baba ganouje. Other than the rice, which was pretty dry, it was fantastic! I pretty well licked every morsel of the baba ganouje off the plate it was so good. Kirk had the spanakopita plate, which was disappointing. It had three small spanakopitas and he said it tasted like they had been previously frozen and they were dry. I felt a little bad eating mine with such gusto, and I did offer to share.

One of my favourite past times in the U.S. is to look at the selection of alcoholic beverages they sell in grocery stores (gasp!). After dinner we went browsing and I found this single bottle of organic ale at the Metropolitan Market near our hotel. The beer lived up to it's gorgeously irresistible label.

Tomorrow: Another burger bar post. Seriously, wasn't one enough? Apparently not...

New Art: Miranda

2011-06-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

My friends are prettier than your friends. Just sayin'.

Seattle 2011, part 2

2011-06-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

Day 2 in Seattle: We didn't have parking at the hotel for the first night so we had to get up early and move the car. Luckily we got a space for the second night and didn't have to get up early again - Who wants that on a vacation?!

But it did give us a chance to explore a bit and go for breakfast. I found Sunlight Cafe on the internet while looking for places where I could eat breakfast. It's a cute little vegetarian cafe in the Roosevelt district.

We got there at 8:30, and they don't serve breakfast until 9, so we got a table and had a coffee while we waited. Well, Kirk had coffee and I had yogi tea, which is like chai and delicious.

For breakfast I had Sunlight Huevos Rancheros with tofu and avocado. Deelish! The tofu was marinaded in something yummy, and served with black beans, salsa, guacamole and potatoes. Pretty well exactly what I'd pick for breakfast if I could choose anything in the world...

We didn't just eat in Seattle. We walked all over the place too. Here's the fountain in the middle of Seattle Center.

And here's Kirk at the fountain.

Tomorrow, Neko Case, falafels and beer.

My deck

2011-06-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

Here's some of what's going on on my deck right now. It's a good place to be.

Seattle 2011, part 1

2011-06-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

Kirk and I decided to get out of town for a few days (good timing too, what with all the rioting in Vancouver) so we drove down to Seattle last Monday. Now, when Kirk and I go on vacation, we generally enjoy walking around and eating a lot. This was no exception!

We took our time driving down (depending on the traffic and border waits it takes about 3 hours to drive from Vancouver to Seattle), stopping in Everett where we marveled at the giant battleship in the harbour. We checked into our hotel (Inn at Queen Anne - awesome) and had a little nap, then headed out for dinner. The Queen Anne district in Seattle is full of great food, so we stepped across the street to The Signature Restaurant, a nice Vietnamese place on 1st. We hadn't been there before, and were suitably impressed. It's not terribly authentic, but definitely yummy.

I started with a beer I'd never tried before - Maui Brewing Co's CoCoNut Porter. Heavenly! Nice and dark and caramelly, with just a hint of coconut. And the can is attractive too, a big plus in my books.

As it was happy hour, we had the Salt & Pepper Fried Tofu. My terrible photo does not do it justice at all - It was lightly breaded, crispy and delicious. I've had salt & pepper tofu at a tonne of places, and this was definitely top 5.

I was thrilled to see that they had vegetarian phở on the menu. Not beef broth with no meat chunks, but actual animal-free soupy goodness. It was amazing, with a depth of flavour that I haven't yet been able to achieve at home and a tonne of crisp veggies. Love love love!

We spent the rest of the evening watching tv in the hotel room. With no tv at home, that was kind of a treat for us.

More Seattle posts to come. Not all about food, but mostly :)

New hair

2011-06-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

I have more interesting posts in the works, I swear. But in the meantime, here's my new short summer haircut. Thanks Heather!

She originally cut it so the bangs were straight across my forehead, which I thought was a good idea at the time, but I think I looked like DJ from Roseanne, and Kirk said I looked like Spock. So side-swept bangs it is...

This Week in My Kitchen: Cauliflower Leek Soup, Rainbow Pasta Salad, Chocolate Chip Cookies

2011-05-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

Cauliflower Leek Soup
I don't even really like cauliflower. I've always thought of it as a bland, white broccoli wannabe, and I love broccoli. So what possessed me to buy a head of cauliflower? Who knows? It sat in the fridge forever, and my friend Stephanie suggested I make soup. Good call. Three leeks came in the Spud delivery that very day, so cauliflower leek soup it was.
I cut the cauliflower into florets and the leeks into half-inch strips and put them into a pot with about 2 cups of vegetable broth. I covered the pot and let it cook for a little while, maybe 15 minutes, then pureed it all. I added some salt & pepper and there you have it. It was probably the simplest soup I've ever made, and it was delicious. Kirk raved about it and ate two bowls.
Maybe cauliflower is alright after all...

Rainbow Pasta Salad
My new favourite pasta is Mrs. Leeper's Corn Rotelli. The beautiful golden colour is what attracted me. The ingredient list is what convinced me: 100% organic corn flour. That's it. Sold.
For this pasta salad I cut a shallot, a yellow bell pepper (red would have been prettier, but yellow's what I had), and some baby carrots into pea-sized bits. I boiled the pasta and added the veggies, plus some frozen peas, in the last few minutes of cooking just to blanch them. I drained everything and added the dressing I made from Spectrum Eggless Canola Mayonnaise, dried dill, salt, pepper and a bit of turmeric for colour.
After chilling it for a couple if hours we dug in. It was pretty good and very pretty and fed us for two days.

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies
I had a sweet tooth the other night and made the Basic Chocolate Chip Cookies from Vegan Cookies Invade Your Cookie Jar. The last time I made them they came out a little greasy, so I used a bit less canola oil and a pinch more flour. They came out good. Not fabulous, but good.

Vegan Eats Vancouver: Romer's Burger Bar

2011-05-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

Burger Bar? A burger bar on a mostly vegan blog? I know, it sounds weird, and Romer's Burger Bar on West 4th is definitely a meat-lover's paradise, but I've discovered they can feed me well too. Kirk had a burger craving (of the meaty variety), and he'd been to Romer's before. He knew they had a veg option and he convinced me to give it a try.

Romer's is a pretty typical Kitsilano yuppie hangout. It's definitely a step up from most Vancouver casual burger places (read: Vera's and the like), both in menu and decor. The service was good, and so was the food. They use lots of local ingredients, which I appreciate, and everything is fresh made in-house. And for Kits the prices are totally reasonable.

They scored their first point with me by featuring Ginger Beer on their drink menu. I had a bottle of Fentiman's Natural Ginger Beer, which was heavenly. I also had their Maple Whiskey Ginger Martini, which is made with Canadian maple whiskey liqueur, maple syrup and ginger beer. It was a great after-dinner drink. They also have a cocktail called the Dark n' Stormy, which features Appleton VX rum, Fentiman's ginger beer, lime juice and cane syrup. Next time...

Their vegetarian option is a stack of roasted veggies sandwiched between two roasted portabello mushroom caps. It's served with red pepper vinaigrette, some salad greens and a peperoncini pepper. I asked for no goat cheese. Kirk and I shared a basket of the garlic fries - probably not a good first date option, but after 9 years we don't care about garlic breath - which were heavenly. The portabello stack was good, but not special. It's a nice change from the typical veggie burger options, though, so I'm not complaining and I'd order it again. But I can't lie - if I were to go back it would be for the fries and the cocktails!

This Week in My Kitchen: Vegan B.L.T., Gnocchi n' Cheeze, Spicy Szechuan Stir Fry with Quinoa

2011-05-15T03:35:00.000-07:00

I'm finally starting to get back into the habit of cooking at home. For a few months we ate out all the time, which is disastrous for our waistlines and our budget!

Vegan B.L.T.
Lately I've been having more of an appreciation for fake meats. I was never huge on them, and I don't know what brought this on, but I'm going with it. Yves Veggie Bacon (which I've never tried before) was on sale at Safeway this week, so this morning I made a B.L.T. for breakfast. I toasted two slices of Silverhills Squirrely bread in the toaster oven with two slices of bacon on top of each. That way the bacon cooked with minimal effort and dishes, and it kept the bread from toasting on both sides, which is how I prefer it for sandwiches. I put mustard and Spectrum Eggless Canola Mayonnaise on the untoasted sides and layered the bacon, some sliced tomatoes and salad greens in between. It was delicious!

Gnocchi n' Cheeze
Kirk and I are big fans of gnocchi. It's light and fluffy and yummy, and best of all, cooks up in no time! For dinner one night I whipped up some of this cheeze sauce and served it with mini gnocchi. Yum! Definitely not a nutritionally-balanced meal, but great comfort food.

Spicy Szechuan Stir Fry with Quinoa
The stir fry is a vegetarian staple, isn't it? I can't even count how many bad or just bland sir fries I've been served at dinner parties, restaurants, and even weddings! But at home it's a different story - you can experiment with ingredients and flavours to your heart's delight. One night this week I realised that we had some veggies in the fridge that we needed to eat before they went bad. I washed and cut up some green beans, an onion, an orange bell pepper and some mushrooms and stir fried them with garlic and Szechuan sauce. Near the end of cooking I added some chopped spinach. Since I didn't add any protein to the veggies, serving it over quinoa was an obvious choice, and I sprinkled black and white sesame seeds over the top. Bam - a healthy, cheap, nutritious meal in 20 minutes.

New art: Kate

2011-05-14T08:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't been very creative lately. Between working a lot and other recent events, I just haven't had the time or the inclination.

Then I saw a photo of my friend Kate that inspired me to make a portrait of her. It was fun, and now I'm raring to go on more creative projects.

Vegan Eats Vancouver: The Templeton

2011-05-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

The Templeton is one of my favourite restaurants in Vancouver. If I didn't hate going downtown so much I'd eat there a lot more often.

The Templeton is a cute little retro diner on Granville Street, with mini jukeboxes on the tables and updated diner comfort food. The service is always amazing, despite the fact that they are always busy, and they have a creative vegetarian food selection that's not just veggie burgers. They even have Italian sodas made with coconut milk! Yum!

Last time I was there for dinner I had my old standby, the Vegan Lentil Loaf with fries and mushroom gravy. The loaf, which is made with lentils and nuts, is always delicious, although it was a little overcooked and dry around the edges this time. The gravy fixed that, and I enjoyed it immensely. The fries and gravy are made in-house and are SO delicious! As good as their side salad and garlic mashed potatoes are, I almost always choose the fries because good home made fries are just irresistible.

Why don't I ever make lentil loaf at home? Anyone have a good recipe?

Know someone who has experienced a loss?

2011-04-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

This is brilliant, and something that everyone should read if they know someone who has experienced a miscarriage or a similar loss. It's really hard to know what to say, even if you've been through a loss yourself. This helps. It doesn't all apply to me, but it all applies to someone.

PS - I promise to lay off the miscarriage stuff soon. I just need to get this all out there first so I can move on.

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

2011 so far can suck it.

2011-04-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, I've been away from the computer for a few months. I deleted my facebook and twitter accounts and ignored my blog. I'm slowly making my way back into it, so bear with me.

Here's what's been going on. It's a real bummer, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Kirk and I tried to conceive for two years. Over the past year and a bit I've had surgeries for endometriosis and blocked fallopian tubes (twice - the first was unsuccessful). We did two rounds of Clomid with no luck, and decided to take a break from trying. We were both emotionally exhausted from the whole process, and I wanted to give my body and our marriage a break. Then we found out I was pregnant on January 10th, and we were so happy! No drugs or peeing on sticks involved! It was meant to be - a Christmas miracle! We told our families right away.

I had an ultrasound at six weeks to to rule out ectopic pregnancy, as the surgeries increase the risk quite a bit. We were both so nervous! But everything was perfect - the baby was in the right place, there was only one, and it had a strong heartbeat. Seeing that little fluttering heartbeat on the screen felt like such a relief! I finally let myself get really excited about this little life inside of me, and we told a couple of close friends about it. I'll never forget that image of our first baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor.

At eight weeks we went for a check up with our fertility specialist, and she did another ultrasound. She told us that the baby had stopped growing pretty much immediately after the previous ultrasound and that there was no heartbeat. I was (and still am) devastated. We wanted this so badly, and I couldn't stop crying.

Because I've already had so much medical intervention our doctor suggested that I wait for a couple of weeks to miscarry naturally. If nothing happened by then, we'd try a drug to induce miscarriage. A D&C is a last resort for me, since I really didn't want any more surgeries on my uterus. Three in six months is more than enough.

I ended up choosing to take the medication to induce miscarriage on February 11th. Carrying a baby that was no longer alive felt horrible to me. It was too hard and stressful to wait any longer, and I just want to move on. The first dose didn't work and I felt SO frustrated! My uterus can't get anything right! But the second did, and the worst was over with in a few painful (in more ways than one) days.

February 2011 was definitely the most terrible month of mine and Kirk's life together, but as we discussed, if we can get through that we can get through anything. The most joyous day of my life so far, and the most devastating, were weeks apart. That's a lot to take.

I am still trying to accept that this baby would never have been healthy and it's for the best. I spent so much time dreaming about being pregnant, giving birth in September, what the baby would be like, and how our lives would change. That's really hard to let go of, even now. I feel like I should be 19 weeks pregnant now and I'm not. That really really sucks.

It also sucks that nobody ever talks about this stuff. If you're someone who knows me and/or Kirk personally, you probably feel a little uncomfortable right now. Sorry about that. I felt pretty alone during this whole thing. Yes, I had Kirk and my mother who are amazing, and a few friends reached out (I didn't always answer, but I appreciated the gestures just the same), but I don't feel like anyone really understands.

Things are getting better every day, but it's a long road, and I will never, ever be the same again.

This Week in My Kitchen: Phở, step-by-step

2011-01-31T09:06:00.000-08:00

Kirk and I both love phở. Kirk goes to Vietnamese restaurants and gets phở with all sorts of gross animal bits in it, but I rely on home made vegetarian phở. Here's how I make it, step-by-step.

1. Gather your ingredients.
Here are the ingredients for the broth, minus the soy sauce, which didn't make it into the photo. I use this recipe as a base for my broth. I have no idea how traditional it is, but it sure is delicious! Never leave out the star anise - it will not smell or taste like phở without it. And I don't add salt, as the soy sauce is salty enough.

2. Char the veggies & spices.
Roughly chop the aromatics and throw them in a dry pot on medium high. Stir around a bit until they start to char and smell fantastic, then add the veggie broth (I do half broth and half water) and soy sauce.

3. Boil the broth.
Bring the broth to a boil to get all the flavour out of everything.

4. Prepare the protein.
My protein of choice for phở is tofu. This time I sliced extra firm tofu nice and thin and marinaded it in soy sauce, sri racha and rice wine vinegar. This is the first time I've cooked with tofu in a long time (other than the almond ricotta).

5. Prepare the noodles.
Boil some water and pour it over thin, flat rice noodles. Let them soak for a few minutes, but not for too long or they'll get mushy.

6. Prepare the accompaniments.
Green onions, enoki mushrooms (I couldn't find any nice bean sprouts, and the mushrooms made a nice substitution), lime wedges, tofu and sliced jalapeno. I forgot to pick up some basil, which is unfortunate, but not tragic. I did miss it, though.

7. Assembly, part 1.
Put some noodles in a bowl and ladle some strained broth over top.

8. Assembly, part 2.
Add the accompaniments to your taste. Here's my bowl, with jalapeno, tofu, lime, enoki mushrooms and sri racha.

9. Dig in!

Vegan Eats Vancouver: Bandidas Brunch

2011-01-30T12:35:00.000-08:00

Remember that time my friend Shaunna and I had dinner at Bandidas Taqueria and I was so excited to discover that they had vegan brunch? Well, do you? Anyway, I finally made it to brunch there last Sunday, and it was everything I dreamed it would be...

Kirk and I got there just as they opened at 10, and it's a good thing, as it filled up really quickly. We got a great seat by the window, the waitress brought us menus and water in little mason jars, and we proceeded with our indecision. Kirk is terrible at deciding at what he wants in restaurants, but I generally don't have much choice, so this was new territory for me. At first I kinda balked at the prices, but then I read that the menu prices include HST, so it's not so expensive after all.

Even though everything is veganizable (isn't veganizable a great fake word?), I decided on the already Vegan French Toast with sausage. It's been many years since I had french toast, and I was super excited.

The french toast did not disappoint! Four huge slices (I ate three and Kirk finished the last one) with a generous quantity of real maple syrup, fresh pineapple and little breakfast sausages. Yum! I can't wait to go back to Bandidas for brunch!

Nooooooo!!

2011-01-15T20:50:00.000-08:00

My favourite lunch place, Loving Hut, had a fire a few doors down in mid-December. For weeks they were closed and had signs in the window saying they'd reopen in January. This week those signs came down, and a big For Lease sign went up! This is so upsetting.

Their website still states they'll reopen in January. I still have a bit of hope that they're moving to a new location, but I'm probably deluding myself...