The Point Is… There Are Three Reasons People Don’t Succeed

It’s fast approaching the time when most people start to abandon their New Year’s Resolutions. It certainly doesn’t have to be that way, but statistically it is. And the people who persist… Well, let’s just say it’s obvious they have a big advantage when it comes to getting what they want.

The average person, in a recent Harvard study, reported having repeated the same New Year’s resolution 10 years in a row without achieving their goal. The average person only makes it 15 days into their resolution before something stops them. Primarily, we know what we want; we know technically how to do it but we’re spinning the hamster wheel, never getting anywhere. It’s as if we’re fighting a war we’re not committed to win.

What about our kids and the messages they get from seeing us giving up?

I’ve consumed a couple thousand sources of inspiration, personal development, parenting, achievement and success. A wide variety everything from Napoleon Hill’s, Think and Grow Rich the culmination of the interviews of 500 hugely successful people, Brian Tracy, W. Edwards Deming, Six Sigma, Dr. Gene Landrum, The Search Institute, Dr. Robert Maurer, Dr. Carol Dweck, Dr. Emmy Werner, Dr. Martin Seligman, The Gallup Organization, Pew Research, Dr. Barbra Fredrickson and dozens of biographies like Benjamin Franklin, Oprah Winfrey to Jack Welch, etc., etc…

None of this information is necessary for basic survival; all of my basic-needs and not so basic needs are met. I would have been alright and I would have been a pretty good father without any of those sources of information. So what’s the point?

I think the point is that we want to be better, and make the human condition better, especially for our kids and future generations.

I think one of the most compelling motivations in the world is to be a better person for the people around us, our kids and help them have a better life than we did. The point is you can have anything; win any prize in life, if you’re willing to devote yourself exclusively to it for enough time to have it become part of you.

The point is, you, me, our children, we can set ourselves up for unlimited inevitable success.

We can also settle…

Isn’t that what most of us do most of the time? We compromise. We trade this life for that one we dream about. You know what I’m talking about, the life where my kids are above average, we have a peaceful, cooperative, thriving family, my career is expanding and my waist line is contracting. Sounds like the life we all want doesn’t it?

I’m guilty of settling for a good life. Or at least I was. To borrow from one of the most influential authors in the business world Jim Collins in his book Good to Great, “Good is the enemy of great. And that is one of the key reasons why we have so little that becomes great. We don’t have great schools because we have good schools… Few people attain great lives, in large part because it is just so easy to settle for a good life.”

Success isn’t possible without changing the day-to-day behavior; but changing behavior is hard and even when new habits can mean the difference between life and death. In multiple studies of patients who have undergone coronary bypass surgery, only one in nine people, on average, adopts healthier day-to-day habits. They clearly see the value of changing their behavior, but they don’t follow through. The alternative is death and they still don’t make the change. They settle for…

The Weird World Between Our Ears

In 2006 a friend of mine came across a bizarre headline, it read:
“They’d Trade a Year of Their Life for a Thinner Waist.”

Excuse me, why don’t they just go on a diet. Did I read that right? Who would do that?

The article continued, “Nearly half of those responding to a Yale University survey said they would be willing to give up a year of their life rather than be fat.”

But it didn’t stop there 15% said they would trim a decade off their lives for a thinner waist. And it got worse; they’d trade their marriages, the possibility of having children, a limb, or trade being overweight for being an alcoholic. It seemed pretty surreal to me. I didn’t trust the newspaper, so I looked up the Yale study and read it for myself. Sure enough.

I thought about it for quite a while. “What if I could set up a trade a few minutes of my life for say all of the success I had previously dreamt about? I’d probably give up a few hours, maybe even days.” I thought. Obviously more than a few people are willing to give up a year or two to be healthier. There is probably a good deal more than 50% would give up a few weeks or months of life to have a smaller waist line.

If we want something so badly, why is change so difficult and success so elusive?

Why didn’t they just go on a diet and then stick to it. Then it dawned on me, “They’ve already gone on a diet, maybe dozens of diets.” But they failed and now they feel defeated and helpless.

Here is the really good news: you and I don’t have to give up a year of our life to solve our problems or reach our most important goals.

Three Keys to Change & Success

One of the biggest benefits of researching all of those sources of information on successful people who develop success is that common themes or personal attributes begin to repeat and become clear. As I imagine this is similar to the process Napoleon Hill went through when he interviewed 500 of the most successful people to have lived.

There are many things successful people do to become successful. There is a unique and interesting story for everyone who has successfully made change or become successful. However, no matter what person, or source, or field of study; no matter if the author believes there are 14 or 4 characteristics of success, three essential traits are always present in each person, pursuit or piece of research. These three characteristics override or are the foundation of every other positive trait. They are so critical that success is almost impossible without them, Success Assets:

The First is RESILIENCE

Resilient people have the foundation of all of the other skills and attributes necessary for a happy, successful life. This doesn’t mean they are resilient, happy or successful all of the time, no one is. However they have the ability to recognize their situation for what it is and bounce back if they face adversity. The other words or skills that fall under this first Success Asset are; persistence, internally motivated, self-disciplined, driven, initiative, tenacity, courageous and task-commitment.

The Second is SOCIAL PURPOSE

They have purpose, a goal or mission. More specifically they have a Social Purpose that goes beyond their personal desires and serves a bigger audience than just themselves. The successful understand that their vision, their objectives serve more than themselves. This Success Asset is larger than the personal interest but is not necessarily altruistic or humanitarian. Social Purpose could be describe in other ways like visionary, mission bound, goal oriented, decisive, or problem solver. Yet, you would have to add the social element to these terms. Without finding that what they work toward is appreciated, admired or gains some attention their motivation eventually loses steam and so do they.

The Third is RISK-TAKING

Risk Takers aren’t always rewarded for taking risks. It is crucial that they have the resilience to test and play, having fun, feeling the exhilaration of success or failure. The Risk Taker also needs to have enough feedback to make decisions. Feedback based on experience, yours, theirs’ or a mentor’s. Whether an entertainer, a volunteer, investor, educator, or business leader no one succeeds without taking risks. The biggest risk is that there will be no one in the auditorium on opening night.

In the next few articles I’ll discuss how these Success Assets were and are cultivated. The first step is knowing that these are overriding characteristics of success. The next step is learning how they are cultivated in the successful child and adult to get what we want most in life and win our prize. You’ll be surprised at how simple it is to build and strengthen these traits in healthy supportive ways. The great thing is that you don’t have to focus solely on yourself or your child. You’ll get the best, simultaneously in each of you.

One Small Step Can Change Your Life

This podcast is an exciting one that most people will find counter intuitive as well as enlightening and liberating… because the subject matter will free you from some of the most stressful misconceptions we have today… I won’t spoil the secret… but I will tell you that you are so much closer to your goals and ideals than you ever thought you were. You can unleash this potent force in your life as well as in your children’s, achieving great and lifelong successes through small, steady steps.

This pod-cast will introduce you to one of the world’s foremost thinkers and experts on the science and art of personal success… Dr. Robert Maurer.

Dr. Maurer has appeared on ABC/TV’s “20/20″, USA TODAY and the LA Times regarding his work on Conflict Resolution, Creativity and Lasting Success. He is the author of the best-selling book, One Small Step Can Change Your Life… Bob is the Associate Clinical Professor at the UCLA School of Medicine and a behavioral health instructor. Through his consulting firm, “The Science of Excellence” he travels extensively consulting with businesses, organizations and even the British government.

LISTEN HERE

Charging uphill: When people want to make a change they usually first turn to innovation. Although you may think of innovation as type of creative breakthrough, Dr. Maurer uses the term as it’s defined in business schools, where the vocabulary of success and change is highly specific. According to this definition innovation is a drastic process of change. Ideally it occurs in a very short period of time, yielding a dramatic turnaround. Innovation is fast, big and sexy; it reaches for the largest result in the smallest amount of time.

And although we’re hearing the business school characterization; most people think about innovation and Big, Fast, Change applying to their own lives; whether it’s losing weight, making more money or changing personal habits. Similarities can be made between innovation as characterized here and our cultural quest for instant gratification. One of the most dangerous and damaging concepts we teach our kids.

Success usually involves change, and change is frightening; and our fear is inevitable in fact, it is a physiological truth, rooted in the amygdala – the mid-section of our brain. The amygdala is absolutely vital for our survival… it controls the fight – or – flight response.

This alarm system is a great asset for you to have, especially when real danger is present, like coming around a corner and seeing a city bus bearing down on you. You don’t want to take time to reason out an appropriate response – you want to react quickly and that’s what the amygdala does. It instantly shuts down all non-essential functions, such as digestion, sexual desire and, higher brain function and puts you into action – get out of the way!

As great as the fight or flight reaction is it has a big disadvantage; whenever we break from our normal routines or habits the amygdala’s alarm goes off. Anytime we attempt to do something new, even the thought of it will trigger some degree of fear. Whether its meeting someone new or trying a new jogging path we are alerted to “avoid if possible and prepare for action.”

The interesting thing is that we adults believe that if we are living life correctly, we can control the events around us. Children have no such illusion; they know they can only control themselves and not the world around them. For adults then, we have invented “conditions” and “names” for our lack of control… the modern medical terms for the feeling of no control is stress or anxiety or some type of disorder… but for generations it went by the old, familiar name of FEAR.

When we make assumptions that a “successful,” “correct life” or our “real life” is absent of fear we begin to grasp at straws and look for short term fixes, and avoid confronting it directly. In our “real life” when fear does appear, it seems wrong – so we call it names. Fear then becomes a disorder, something to put in a box with a tidy label of “stress” or “anxiety.” As Dr. Maurer put it, “This approach to fear is unproductive. If your expectation is that a well-run life should always be orderly, you are setting yourself up for panic and defeat. If you assume that a job or relationship or health goal is supposed to be easy, you will feel angry and confused when fear arises – and you’ll do anything to make it disappear.”

Looking at the most successful people you find that they are the people who gaze at fear unblinkingly. They acknowledge and speak openly about their fears. As Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric put it: “Everyone who is running something goes home at night and wrestles with the same fear: Am I going to be the one who blows this place up?” Or Lance Armstrong who said, “Fear is a priceless education.” These are people who don’t try and hide it, or rename it or classify fear in some nonthreatening way; its reality so they deal with it.

In times of difficulty, remember that fear is the body’s gift, alerting us to a challenge. The more we care about something, the more we dream, the more fear shows up. During the rough patches, understanding that fear is a normal, and natural sign of ambition, makes us more likely to hold on to hope and optimism – qualities that increase our willingness to take the kinds of small steps that slip right past fear.

Dr. Robert Maurer’s book is One Small Step Can Change Your Life; The Kaizen Way, and it shows us how close we really are to our goals and aspirations, we are all so much closer than we think we are. It also shows us how children are wired for success because they don’t fear failure and are willing to take each small step along to reach the next milestone. The challenge for parents then is how do we encourage children to keep taking risks and temper that adventure with a reasoned, self-disciplined approach to life?

Mindset

Dr. Maurer also references one of my favorite people on the subject of raising children Dr. Carol Dweck and her book Mindset. Her book is an excellent source for parents who want to keep their children in a growth mindset, always learning and looking forward to new challenges.

Increasing Cognitive Abilities We all know how fast kids grow up. Before you know it a new born infant is crawling, feeding them self, talking and walking – POOF – it’s their first birthday. …next thing you know they’re growing out of their first school clothes and won’t let you hug them in public anymore… remember how fast this summer passed?

We also know that there are windows of maximum opportunity for learning and development… things like potty training, social skills, math concepts, language… You’ve probably known someone who has talked about missing a developmental window like that haven’t you? It’s easy to relax after those early years, as a child becomes more independent we tend to let things happen, this frees us up to do (whatever)… And we should let things happen to a certain extent, however…

Diagram of Right Brain

Did you know that these developmental windows correspond with the brain’s physical growth? We’re all born with approximately 100 billion neurons. This neural network is the framework everyone is born with – it is our standard hardware if you will.

The physical development of the brain starts weeks after conception and is not fully developed until around age 20. The physical growth of the brain progresses in concert with mental abilities; from the back in the cerebellum, developing muscle control, vision and spatial awareness – to the frontal cortexwhere intellect, creativity, impulse and inhibitions are formed.

But neurons only make up 15% of the brain. The rest of the brain is actually a different group of cells (mostly glia cells) and make up the other 85%. This 85% is the white matter of the brain and gets “programmed” with experiences, memory, skills, talent, and intelligence… And it is in this white matter that we see huge differences in abilities and gives a select few an advantage… You could think of this as the software of the brain and this time frame, from 5 to 12 years old, has optimum programming potential… By the time a child is 5 they have wired or “programmed” most of the rear section of their brain and are working to develop their strategies for intelligence in the frontal cortex…

These years are easily taken for granted – kids are more independent and self-sufficient – but they haven’t become the challenging teenager yet either (Thank goodness!). This age is the best time to develop their intellect, talents, self-interests, creativity – in short, their high potential. It’s probable that developments of talents and skills at this age have a geometric progression, in effect multiplying intelligence and talents that will grow 50 fold by the time they reach 20 years old. This type of development is simply not possible at any other time; this geometric window of opportunity will close.

This window from 5 to 12 years old is an optimal time to form mental assets for success. Programming their software to tap into their real potential – – the other option is to allow their brain to be programmed by advertisers and media executives. Your kids can sit and watch TV and develop acute TV watching skills or they can pursue worthwhile self-interests and gain a completely different neuro-circuitry for the rest of their life.

The strategies a child uses to relate to problems and people changes dramatically in these years. Developmental Psychologist and world renowned researcher Dr. Carol Dweck has studied and documented child development for 30 plus years. Her observations show how difficult the changes are for children in this age group. How kids learn to cope with those changes largely affects how they form their self-image, confidence, their mindset, their ability to overcome challenges and take on a successful track. This is the opportunity to give your children a growth oriented self-image that will serve them forever.

For example: if a child begins playing chess at age 5, plays for 30 minutes a day, 3 days a week until she is 20; she will have developed 900% more brain function (related to chess) with approximately 500% faster connections than a young lady who starts playing at age 20 and puts in the same amount of time. That, not only, means that she has access to 900% more intelligence related to plays, strategy and even statistical variations she can access that intelligence 500% faster than the person who started when they were 20.

Chess is merely an example; you could use soccer, horse riding, a hobby or small business enterprise, anything that the child enjoys. So long as the child is in occupied with dynamics in play and variables that require engaged thinking, they will be building a better brain. Now compare that to a passive activity like being entertained by a television 4 hours a night. How will that affect building active and connected brain tissue? Not very much, television and passive entertainment are the worst activity for increasing cognitive abilities.

An internal asset most people don’t think much about today is the ability to delay gratification or self-discipline.  If you look at the subject matter of most parenting books you’ll find it is about some form of loving discipline – coming from an external source the parent.

The marshmallow experiment has been reproduced many, many times in the the US and abroad. The results are nearly identical and if they track to kids they find that the ability to delay gratification is a nearly perfect indicator of future success.

The trick is finding ways to teach and mentor these skills to our kids so they become internal, or self-regulated rather than relying on us to provide them.

What are some the ways you have (or would like to) raise your kids to be self-disciplined?

For example, do your kids have a savings account? Do they get to garden and wait for seeds to grow and produce?

What examples do you give them in your own life?

Smiling Mothers

What do these two women have in common? And why are they smiling?

The one on the right came from a well-to-do European family, married a dreamer who lost the family’s money three times, at this point she was broke and her normally bright child was arguing with his teachers in school and causing problems.

The woman on the left was a poor Mississippi farmer, left to raise her 3 illegitimate grandchildren on her farm, without enough money to put shoes on their feet.

Yet both of these women gave their children a defining gift, one that provoked greatness and inspired their children to be prodigies, exceptional. These are two children all of us know and all of our lives are touched by. With the gifts these mother’s gave their children they became unique contributions to the world. Children that grew more motivated, cooperative and happy with everything they did. Both of these women gave their children on common character trait that can be taught to any child.

In fact, as I have researched over one hundred of the world’s greatest achievers I’ve found one common thing the children received from their parents and it wasn’t genetic gifts either. And I’ll show you what that common thread is right here. These women couldn’t have been more different or come from more dissimilar backgrounds, but the things they did share were interesting: firmness, constantly learning, relatively relaxed and stress free even under bad circumstances and a deep caring for their child’s future. By the way, I’ll reveal to you who these women are in this video I made for you here.

We all want to best for our children to be Happy, Successful, Accomplished, but we all want to keep our sanity too.

What if I told you that we’re over-thinking our kids? What if I told you ‘simple’ is better?

What if I told you that we’re OVERPARENTING and we focused on the wrong things? What if I told you that parenting today is making everyone’s situation even worse, condemning our kids to a harsh life? And we’re doing it ourselves, like hamsters spinning the wheel faster and faster… getting nowhere, and resenting the wheel for it.

Now that Summer Vacation is starting wouldn’t it be nice to simplify your life, your kids’ lives and get a makeover for your parenting / life approach?

Here’s the video I just made for you showing you how I took kids from a bad situation and fixed it.

‘Simple’ and ‘Summer’ go together like ‘Ice’ and ‘Cream’, sounds good doesn’t it? So let’s simplify and get our kids going in the right direction and relax a little. Watch the video and you’ll see what I mean.

The interesting thing is that parents had this same problem 80 years ago, except that now the stakes are MUCH higher.

Admittedly, I made this word up because I could not find a word to describe the cultural evolution of protecting kids from their own exploration, interest, and passions; all while expecting less and less from them in terms of their contribution to their own families, community and society. So here is my definition of infantizum:

infantizum –

1. The cultural state of impeding adult thinking by sequestering children from their own explorations.
2. Misplaced protectionism by parents, schools and agencies to protect children and keep them safe from all forms of harm or discomfort leading to and overall acceptance that children are incapable and not expected to contribute to society.
3. Expecting children to do little of worth, example – school curriculum requiring less of students such as didactic thought processes.

This is not to be confused with the close cousin infantilisum which is an actual word.

infantilism – noun –
1. A state of arrested development in an adult, characterized by retention of infantile mentality, accompanied by stunted growth and sexual immaturity, and often by dwarfism.
2. Extreme immaturity, as in behavior or character.

To make my point I would offer the following examples and then ask you what you would think of your own children, at the sames age making their mark like these young people.

America’s first admiral, David Farragut was 12 years old when he took command of the captured British vessel, HMS Alert and sailed her from Peru to Boston in the War of 1812. Farragut was the same age as George Washington was when he dropped out of school, the same as Thomas Jefferson was when he took over and successful managed his deceased parent’s 250 acre plantation. Joan of Arc began her quest at the age of 12 as well. She petitioned the King of France twice before she was 15 years old and led a revolt to boot the British from France before the British captured her. The list goes on and on throughout history of great leaders and remarkable contributions made by young people who did not accept their role as children but rather their passion.

And if your child doesn’t have that kind of passion or interest, should we be asking why? Or should we be happy that they are safe at home playing Xbox?

If your not convinced 100 years ago, before we had billion dollar school budgets, required reading for fifth graders was William Shakespeare, Henry Thoreau, George Washington, Sir Walter Scott, Mark Twain, Benjamin Franklin, Oliver Wendell Holmes, John Bunyan, Daniel Webster, Lewis Caroll, Thomas Jefferson, Emerson and other literary greats. In fact, these were the authors included in in the Appleton School Reader for fifth grade students. Now, we’re told that students shouldn’t be expected to spell word correctly, like mother, night, little, people or morning.

A 30 year teaching veteran of the New York City public school system, John Taylor Gatto has some interesting and disturbing revelations for us in his books on the subject of schooling vs education and dumbing down our youngsters. One of my favorites from Weapons of Mass Instruction is;

“Now, you needn’t have studied marketing to know that there are two groups of people who can always be convinced to consume more than they need to: addicts and children. School has done a pretty good job of turning our children into addicts, but a spectacular job of turning our children into children. Again, this is no accident. Theorists from Plato to Rousseau … knew that if children could be cloistered with other children, stripped of responsibility and independence, encouraged to develop only the trivializing emotions of greed, envy, jealousy and fear, they would grow older but never truly grow up.”

So what do we need more of, Tiger Mothers or Helicopter Parents? I don’t think either is the answer, but having high expectations is a start. We have spent so much time telling kids what they can’t do, shouldn’t do and scheduling a full weeks of soccer practice they have little to rely on when it comes to real world experience. Then maybe encouraging our children in their own worthwhile interests might be the next step.

To Sophia and Jack,

All I want for Father’s Day are these few things:

1. Smile, it’s the best way to make friends, others feel good and disarm rivals.

2. Make friends, lots of them and honor them with your honesty and loyalty, because if you are neither honest nor loyal you will have none.

3. Be considerate and listen to others, there is always something to learn or understand in a new way but no matter what trust your internal compass, trust your morals and make your own decisions. You are allowed to have strong opinions and disagree, just do it respectfully.

4. Be decisive; trust your instincts most decisions can be made quickly. But you need to be ready to laugh at yourself when you’re wrong.

5. Put in the effort and never do things halfheartedly it’s a waste of everyone’s time. When you find things you want to do put everything into it.

6. Be courageous. Don’t be afraid to lead or make mistakes. Most people are just that “afraid”. You can tell who is the most afraid because they’re the loudest critics. Critics are even more afraid than the person hiding behind the curtain. Fear is a funny thing because it keeps us alive on those rare occasions, but mostly it keeps us from living.

7. Take responsibility and give credit to others. No one can accomplish much on their own so give other people the glory and be ready to take the blame.

8. Be grateful and don’t hold grudges, there is no more powerful force than forgiveness and gratitude.

9. Create, dream, build and make contributions. Never lose your curiosity, always pursue your dreams and build things that contribute to others. Treat everyone to your art, whether it’s a song, a home, or healing someone who’s sick; its how we leave our mark.

10. Have faith and guard it because it is the most precious treasure. Faith, hope and optimism are so important that little will ever happen without them. However, you need to beware of people who will tell you that faith is enough, especially if they’re asking for your money. (Anyone can sell you a ticket to heaven; it’s the delivery that’s a problem.)

In keeping with “giving credit” to others, I know there is some Winston Churchill in there, Lucile Ball and quite a few other greats. You need to know that your dad isn’t afraid to borrow good ideas; I believe they were meant to be shared.

I love you both very much and I’m very happy just watching you grow into such strong people of character.

Now, how about a new TV for the loft?

Love,
Dad

Ok, you guys keep asking me what I want for Father’s Day so here you go.

My dad’s best friend, Joel was a school teacher and he was (still is) a great guy. To this very day he is one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. He would laugh about the good things and the bad equally hard, just like God had let him in on “the joke” and he was there to translate for us.

My dad and Joel took us kids on many memorable adventures as well as some character building drudgery. Often I remember him with a wry smile and he would say to my dad, “Happy Father’s Day, Lucky!” He would say that even though it wasn’t father’s day, and I didn’t really understand why until recently.

Joel would come and stay with us and work with dad during the summer months. They would tell stories and jokes and make fun of politicians. At least that’s what I remember. They would try to explain worldly things to my brother and I and then have a great time listening to us retell what we had learned to anyone that would listen. I guess our interpretation was funnier than theirs.

After working long days we’d quickly drive to the lake and water-ski in the calm of the evenings before sunset. My dad, taught me to water-ski, snow-ski, drive, fly a plane and thousands of other things; they all seem like such adventures now. The interesting thing is that Joel was right there for a good deal of it. I never really thought about it much before, it was what it was; and it was pretty fun.

There were times when more of mom and dad’s friends would come and stay and if they had enough people they would get out a blanket and pull it tight between all of them. Us little guys (one at a time) would get to climb up on the blanket. Then the adults would let it go slack and on the count of three… 1, 2, 3 PULL! They would send us sailing straight up into the clear blue summer sky, like a rocket! We would come down screaming like it was a carnival ride and they would catch us in the blanket and SPROING… straight up into the wild blue yonder again. Wow! It was just so fun we never wanted it to end.

So, back to what I want for father’s day.

I didn’t know it at the time, but the last summer Joel stayed with our family he was getting a divorce. You see for a long time he and his wife tried to but were never able to have children. This troubled his wife in a way that drove her to do strange and hurtful things. But while Joel was around us you just knew he was the happiest guy on earth. Just like I didn’t know what he was going through, I didn’t know why he would say to my dad, “Happy Father’s Day, Lucky!” For a long time, as a teenage boy, I thought it was a sarcastic joke and he took some type of pity on my dad for being tied down with us. Now I have come to understand just how lucky he really though my dad was.

You guys ask me what I want and I already have it. I’m the luckiest dad in the world, I am so grateful for you. Happy Father’s Day Lucky!

Junior high and high school are probably one of the most difficult periods in life. Your kids are coping with a lot of changes right now. They are transforming from children to adults, developing crushes on that special boy or girl in their class, and noticing the differences between themselves and their peers.

It’s important for parents to reinforce positive values and morals in their children in the face of peer pressure and outside influences. At the end of the day, you as a parent have a huge effect on the choices your kids make outside of the home. Here are some ways to help your kids cope with negative forms of peer pressure.

Talk To Them

Though the US is known as a melting pot of cultures, religions, and people, it is not always easy to be different. Your kids may feel extra pressure to conform to the mainstream of society in order to fit in. Try to understand where they’re coming from, and talk to them about it. Remind them that everyone deserves equal respect, and that school is only a temporary period in life. Make sure you know what’s going on in their lives and at school. If they are being subject to bullying, address it with school officials. Remind them that being different is not wrong and comfort your child.

Teach Them

One great way to help your kids combat the effects of peer pressure is to ensure they are well educated regarding their own culture. Teach them about significant historical events, great people, and the importance of brotherhood. Instill in them pride and self-confidence so that they will not easily be strayed by others.

Involve Their Friends

If your child has several friends from different cultures or even from other countries, invite them over for a share day. Each child or family can present a different aspect of their culture, such as food, clothing, or a bit of history. It’s a great way for your kids to feel proud of their heritage, teach their friends a little bit about their background, and learn about other lifestyles as well.

They Will Get Through This

Children who enjoy familial support are less vulnerable to outside influences like peer pressure. Know their friends, talk to them about their day, and answer any questions or concerns they may have about being different. Not all children fall under the influence of peer pressure; your child can be one of the ones to rise above.

Jasmine Stephenson is a guest blogger for My Dog Ate My Blog and writes on accredited online colleges for Guide to Online Schools.

The Myth of the Conventional – The Myth is expecting things to remain the same, to buy into convention. It’s reassuring to think, what worked for my parents will work for me, study techniques, subjects haven’t changed, or even that the Post Office will always be there. They’re all comforting ideas. It’s comfortable to assume we don’t have to adapt, change and we can depend things.

The highly successful don’t depend on things to remain the same; they are the people who force change to happen. Conventional and conservative can sometimes be confused and parenting styles associated with them controlling, overbearing and strict. But when I looked at the discipline styles of parents of the super successful the had what I would call an unconventional parenting style. They would carefully select the few rules they chose to have and then enforced them with great consistency. On they other hand they would not sweat the small stuff and their children would respond in kind.

These high achievers were allowed a great deal of creative latitude to pursue their interests, encouraged to explore, make mistakes and live out nearly delusional fantasies. Nearly all of the high achievers came from conservative families ranging from poor to middle class, but none of them came from homes with loose rules. Yes, these families were liberal in the fact that they didn’t have many rules and their children were encouraged to dream big. However, these children excelled because they had firm boundaries to operate and be creative in. These children were free to make change and live without convention, overbearing rules stifling their creative change.

When we open our eyes and rub the sleep from the corners we see change everywhere. Change in the school system, changes in how we spend our time, what we consider entertainment, how we pay for things, the sophisticated gadgetry everywhere we look. Change isn’t a bad thing especially if we’re nimble enough to anticipate it, adapt to it and embrace the positive side.

Business consultant and philosopher Jim Rohn says it this way, “There is enormous power in getting up on any given day and knowing that you can create evolution or revolution in your life; incremental evolutionary change or radical revolutionary change any day you want.” It’s very common for the highly successful person to have this attitude toward their ability to change. They know that change is going to happen whether they like it or not. For them it is a matter of how much they can control or influence the effects of change.

The myth that we can depend on institutions, businesses, people and our health to remain the same or be dependable is risky. Speaking strictly in an earthly sense, “The only thing we can depend on is change.” Dr. Gene Landrum put it this way in his book Profiles of Female Genius, Thirteen Women Who Changed the World, “Unfortunately, conservative well-meaning, over-protective parents almost always prefer their offspring to preform “excellently” in contrast to performing “differently.” In Profiles the thirteen women included Margret Thatcher, Madonna, Oprah, Mary Kay Ash, and Liz Clairborne; they all came from homes and parental guidance that was permissive in terms of convention, but conservative when it came to morals and work ethic.

How often do we resist trying new food, or driving a new route? How often do we openly challenge why we did something “stupid”? Worst of all is how we react to mistakes our children make. The tendency to overreact to a poor grade or missed goal is powerful when we’re so invested in our children’s successes that we overlook learning and skill building opportunities. We teach them to depend on a steady, unrestricted climb to the top. We teach them to rely on convention.

Psychologists call them coping mechanisms, but for most of us it is simply how we learn to deal with uncertainty and change. The highly successful person commonly has the ability to look at things objectively rather than personally. When they make a mistake or even try something new they approach it from a perspective of curiosity or experimentation. If they try something and it doesn’t work they don’t take it personally, they chalk it up to experience. The next natural step is to innovate from what they have learned about their mistake. Learning the “wrong way” is often more important than learning the “right way” to do things, because it provokes the high achiever to innovate and create “their way.”

Teaching or parenting children to remain objective and ride waves of change isn’t as difficult as our adult minds might think. For all practical purposes children are agents of change; they’re changing at a rapid pace, learning, growing and experimenting. We mostly need to get out of their way and resist the urge to train them to fear their mistakes.

The high-successful learned from their upbringing to cope with change by being the agents of change. Rather than fearing what’s coming they see the tsunami and decide to ride it.