KIGATSUKU

Time Away or Time Out?

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:17:00 +0000

Time Away

I have taken the month of March as a time away from a book that I've been writing, well putting together for years (yes, I said years). A good friend, and fellow writer, listened to my frustration of getting lost in this project and gave me some great advice. He told me to just take some time away from it. So I took his advice and took an entire month off. I haven't look at my book at all, I haven't talked about it, I haven't even thought about it. I started reading a bunch of books, I started this blog, and I invested my time in others things.

I will say that I was tempted a few times to get cracking on the editing of my book but then I looked over on my cork board at the reminder my best friend wrote for me:

I WROTE A BOOK!

I have a complete first draft.

It is exciting & filled with inspiring, life changing principles.

I AM GREAT AND AMAZING

-Kylee

When I would read his reminder I would take a breathe and focus on something else. This month away from my book has been much needed and great for my perspective. I am again in love with my book. I am excited to dive in again on Friday April, 1, 2011. I hope to finish my book by the end of April and then start the publication process (more on that later...)

Time Out

Unlike taking a time away sometimes what you really need is a time out! Sometimes taking a time away helps you to gain perspective and you realize it is actually time to shelve a project. The Secret Archives of the Alliterati, love this blog, had a great post about this recently. Sometimes the fact that you are bogged down, keep getting rejection letters, your friends can't seem to finish reading your novel/project to give you feedback, means it is time to walk away for good—or at least for now.

I think it very important as writers that we learn the difference between a time away and a time out. Anyone have any experience with either of these they want to share??

How Stories Are Born

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:16:00 +0000

I often wonder when I'm reading a book how the author came up with their book's concept. I think most authors are asked this question when given the chance. Some have great stories as to why or how they conceived their book and others don't. I remember hearing about how Stephenie Meyer had a dream and from that dream she created the Twilight Series. A dream...really??

As a writer I am always looking for new ideas, listening to what people are talking about, inventing their back stories, and so forth. I have a bunch of stories I started and then they ended up in the graveyard. I sometimes wonder if I'll get a dream, an epiphany, some kind of real life turned fiction story I happen upon, or if I will just have to hunker down and dig out stories from the graveyard and make them happen.

Today I sent a regular old text message to my best friend and right after I sent it I had this brilliant YA Fiction Novel epiphany!! It was really strange actually. I rushed home and wrote what would sort of be on the back of the novel (the hook) and then I started to write out the characters. It was a bit crazy how fast they each came to life...I am still trying to get their entire high school world from my brain to my laptop ( I LOVE WRITING!!)

This got me thinking about how other stories are born? I am curious how you form your ideas for your stories?

Frindle: Book Review

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:16:00 +0000

Title: Frindle

Author: Andrew Clements

Genre: Young Readers

Publisher: Atheneum

Paperback: 105 pgs. (large print)

Nicholas Allen has plenty of ideas. Who can forget the time he turned his third-grade classroom into a tropical island, or the times he fooled his teacher by chirping like a blackbird? But now Nick's in fifth grade, and it looks like his days as a troublemaker are over.

Everyone knows that Mrs. Granger, the language arts teacher, has X-ray vision, and nobody gets away with anything in her classroom. To make matters worse, she's also a fanatic about the dictionary, which is hopelessly boring to Nick. But when Nick learns an interesting tidbit about words and where they come from, it inspires his greatest plan yet: to invent a new word. From now on, a pen is no longer a pen -- it's a frindle.

It doesn't take long for frindle to take root, and soon the excitement spreads well beyond his school and town. His parents and Mrs. Granger would like Nick to put an end to all this nonsense. But frindle doesn't belong to Nick anymore. All he can do now is sit back and watch what happens.

This quirky, imaginative tale about creative thought and the power of words will have readers inventing their own words. Brian Selznick's black-and-white illustrations enhance the humor in this unforgettable story.

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I absolutely loved this book! I don't know why I never heard of it before but it is genius! I read this little gem in less than an hour and admit that I got a little weepy (no actual tears mind you) near the end. I think that Clements does a wonderful job of bringing to life the importance of words and the difference one person can make. I also love the thinly veiled, until the end, difference a good teacher can make in the lives of her/his students.

This book is full of empowerment! I love the idea of a word spreading like wildfire—which happens more and more these day on YouTube and such things. This book is so easy to read and the story flows freely. Once I started reading I couldn't put it down b/c I wanted to see how far the Frindle would go!

Writing Off The Page

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:15:00 +0000

I don't remember when I first heard the literary term, "writing off the page" but I know I read about it in an amazing book about writing called, "On Writing" by Stephen King. Writing off the page is the kind of writing that J.R.R Tolkien or J.K. Rawling does. The kind of writing that leaves you feeling that you are only invited to part of the story—that each page has more.

Readers are entranced by book written off the page. They long for more, more story, more of the world they were invited into, more...

It is rare to find a book or movie that leaves you feeling or wanting more. Most books or movies wrap everything up with a bow and send you off feeling great—closure. But, every once in a while you want to discover what is written off the page, the stories you don't hear or get to see. Sometimes, you finish and you want more.

I watched a movie today that did such that. I went to see, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" and around every bend of the movie I wanted more. I wanted to hear every characters story. I want to sit and just be with the main character. I wanted to hold the hand of the mother and catch her tears. I wanted to exchange notes with the man who was mute. I wanted more. I found myself entrance by the cinematography, the colors, the characters, and especially the story. (see more about my experience on my personal blog.)

If you can, become a writer that writes off the page. Create an entire world, village, school, home for your characters to live and breathe. Give them stories and friends and personality quirks that never make it into your book. It should be painful to cut out your pages from story you have created. When you are done there should be lots of scraps left over where you have written off the page.

Try it, Good luck!

Date A Girl Who Writes

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:14:00 +0000

This blog was inspired by these blog posts: "Date a girl who reads", "Date an Entrepreneur"

Date a girl who writes. Date a girl who spends her money on pens, paper, and books rather than fancy-dancy clothes or expensive makeup. Date a girl who writes because she has a wonderful vocabulary but doesn't make you feel dumb.

Find a girl who loves paper. She writes on a computer for convenience but she prefers paper. She has cards ready on hand in her purse and loves to leaves a trail of notes wherever she goes. She is the one who is writing letters—the old fashion way of pen to paper, and sending them in the mail. She is a girl who owns a typewriter to actually use instead of admire.

Because she is a writer she is also well read. She knows that good writers are good readers. You will notice she always has a book in her bag next to her current writing notebook. Date a writer because all her books have dog-eared marked up pages with notes written in the margins that you secretly want to read. She is the one who doodles ideas on scraps of paper, napkins, and is always telling you her new story plot and fanciful ideas. You can find her at Bookstores lost in thought as she is doing research on what books are selling, what is the current YA trend, and trying hard to resist buying one more book she doesn't need.

Date the girl who is reading a book with all sorts of notebooks spread out around her. Sit by her, she might not notice at first, but challenge her with real questions and real desire to understand her world. Ask her about her book characters, the book(s) she is currently reading and share your favorite books. Challenge her on her ideas.

It is easy to date a girl who writes. Give her a book, notebook, gift card to a bookstore for her birthday, for Christmas, and anniversaries. Give her the gift of words in poetry, in song, in a simple letter. Give her Mary Oliver, Poe, Emerson, Rilke, any book on writing. "Let her know that you understand that words are love." Understand that she knows the difference between creating a world and the reality she lives. She will try to live her stories or fix her life problems through her characters and if you're lucky you will be privy to her sacred tears and triumphs in the process.

Let her really know how you feel about poetry, syntax, words, blogs. Don't be afraid when she wanders from reality to a place where she is generative, creative, and other worldly—she will wander back to reality.

Date a girl who writes because there is nothing like it. You will find she brings light, joy, and color into your life. If you want a safe half lived life filled with dull moments and splashes of color walk away from a writer. "If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who [writes]."

If you find a girl who writes keep her close. When you see her eyes glaze over and she is scrambling for something to write down a new idea—be patient. She doesn't know any better way to capture the stories, worlds, characters that are running around rampant in her head. When she is up at 2am writing furiously or crying over a book she can't stop reading, make her a cup of tea and hold her. She may talk to you about her characters and their story, as if they are real, because to her they are. "You may lose her for a few hours but she will always come back to you."

It's okay to fail a writer because she knows that failures lead to triumphs, that after the climax comes the denouement, that sometimes the story ends...but sometimes there is a sequel. She knows that life is full of heroes and villains and patterns hers after those who have affected her life. It is also okay for you to be her hero and give her plenty of fodder for her next novel. Don't be too worried or scared of being perfect. Girls who write understand character development and the idea that flaws make for better full rounded characters.

Marry a writer because you can't imagine spending you time with anyone else. Because your heart is ready to burst and bleed out all over the floor when she gives you that look. Marry a writer because even is she never gets published you will never have worry about life being boring or lack for entertainment. Together you will write the story of your lives and sometimes you will use paper.

Love a writer because she will introduce your children to "Green Eggs and Ham", "Boxcar Children", and Shell Silverstein. She will play tinker toys, Lego's, and build castles out of blocks while introducing to them the idea of creating stories and using their imagination. She will whisper poetry in your ear at the right time and will always be able to keep herself busy.

Find, date, marry, and love a writer because with her you will live a thousand lives, dream a million dreams, and never lack for a story.

Start Something That Matters

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:14:00 +0000

I just found this post in my blog history and for some reason it didn't get published. So here it is...

Today I saw this video when I was checking out TOMS website. I felt inspired. I went and bought Blake's book, "Start Something That Matters," and I read it in one sitting. It is full of inspiration and fabulous ideas. You should read it!

I bought and read this book today. Yes, you read that right I read it in one sitting. I LOVE it! For years my motto has been: Make it Happen and I love what Blake has to say about doing something that matters. Of course, in the case of this blog I would add—Write something that matters!

In the Meantime

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:13:00 +0000

As a precursor to my book coming out I decided to start writing about singles. I hope to find questions or topics from singles out their via this blog, comments, FB, etc. Leave me a comment if you have any questions or ideas for me to write about. My first post in this series comes from Derek, an AZ LDS midsingle. He suggested I write about patiently waiting. He shared a beautiful quote from President Uchtdorf given in a Conference talk in 2010 called, "Continue in Patience":

"Patience is not passive, resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well."

I talk a lot in my life and write in my book about ways to deal with the "in the meantime" so I thought I would share a few of the practical things I've learned (and tried to apply) along the way.

Do What You Love
People are attracted to other people who are full of passion. It doesn't really matter what you love just love it. When you love something you have something to talk about, to do, and to share. Doing something you love gives you an opportunity to really be yourself and people love and fall in love with people who are genuine and refreshing!

Find Your People
I'll never forget how it felt to be in my last year of my undergrad in my creative writing classes. It felt just like it did when I entered my grad school classes. I remember thinking...these are my people!

Find your people—those who are passionate about the same things as you. Find people who think on your intellectual level, eat foods like you (find your fellow foodies), collect similar things like, or just enjoy the same sports teams as you. Being around your people brings out out the quirky sides of you but also the best in you.

Start Something
I met my last boyfriend in a choir I started. I started the choir b/c my friend & I wanted to start singing on Sundays again and we didn't have time to be in the only other LDS choir we knew about. So we started one and now 10 months later I am loving every minute of joy it is to have started something that matters.

I am a huge fan of people who live out their dreams and make things happen in their lives. I already wrote a blog about this topic a few posts ago—if you are interested you can check it out here. When you start something you love you are bound to find your people.(see above)

Find the Best (FTB)
Nobody likes to be around people who are always negative. The saying "misery loves company" only lasts so long. Also, the more negative you are the more wear it actually takes on your looks, countenance, and your overall being. Negativity weighs you down.

Your single friends don't know how to help you and your married friends are tired of hearing about your woes (they have woes of their own). So finding the best in situations can only help you. Look for the best in people, in situations, in your job, and in your situation. You will be amazed and much better you feel when you try to find the best in life.

Listen More Talk Less (LMTL)

A co-worker of mine used to always tells our girls on the dorms at the residential treatment center, “you have two ears and one mouth for a reason.” I loved hearing him teach the girls the power of listening. A great quote on listening comes from Elder Ben Banks,

“[You] should spend a great deal of time listening, not just telling. This listening should be done with an open mind and heart. When [people] feel they can talk freely about their feelings, problems, and successes, wonderful relationships develop...” (Take Time for Your Children, Ensign, Nov. 1993, 28.)

There are far too many people wanting to talk in the world and not enough people who are willing to listen. It is amazing the things you learn, not just about others, but about yourself when you take the time to listen. There will be many times in your life that you will regret saying something but rarely ever will you regret taking the time to listen.

And so I hope a few of these ideas are applicable and helpful while you are patiently waiting or waiting patiently to make things happen in your life!

Opportunity For Growth

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:12:00 +0000

I got this quote from a friend and I like the message is shares,

"There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause us to abandon ourselves in search of our goal. As long as we believe that SOMEONE ELSE has the POWER to make us HAPPY then we are setting ourselves up to be VICTIMS. If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson." (Robert Burney)

I am not amazing at being in relationships but I am always learning from them. I would rather have my heart broken, and learn from love, than be alone.

Vulnerability

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:11:00 +0000

Okay so I have to admit a weakness of mine in order to drive (I hope) some dialogue about the topic of

Vulnerability

I am terrible at being vulnerable! My last boyfriend told me he liked it when I was sick or when I was down & out b/c I hurt my back because that was when he could serve me and I finally "needed" him. That was a wake up call for me!

As a therapist I work in a field where people tell me their troubles, worries, and share with me their deepest secrets and anguish on a regular basis. I also happen to be the person that for years people depended upon to share their hearts—knowing they were safe. Through the years I've learned when and where to let people "dump" on me. However, over time I became the dependable, independent, strong one. I learned quickly that I wasn't allowed (in my circle of friends) to be weak or vulnerable. In fact, a few times when I tried to let down my guard I was literally laughed at. I was seen as the one who people go to when they are weak—not the one who comes to them when I was weak.

And then there's that whole single, female, independence thing I've got going on. Some days I'm fierce because I don't have a choice and other days I'm fierce because I not comfortable letting down my guard. I know this is not good and I'm working on it.

I know that people, in general and specifically, want to be needed. I get that in order for someone to trust you enough to share their heart you have to share yours. I know these things and have even chosen a career based around them. I just find it extremely hard, at times, to live.

There is a quote I love by President George Washington, "Be courteous with all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence." This is me. Now, don't confuse being open as being vulnerable. I am an open book. I am confident in talking about most things openly in my life. I hold very little mystery. Where I run into trouble is when it comes to being vulnerable, letting down my guard/walls, speaking from my heart. For someone to hold my heart and catch my tears I need to feel I am safe and I can trust them.

I think because I am this way I close myself off from opportunities or conversations that could be life changing. I sometimes wrestle w/God because I feel like the older I get as a single female the more independent and strong willed I become. I sometimes feel like if I'm vulnerable I will appear as being needy or that my heart will ooze out my fingertips and eyelashes and I will appear too raw or naked—standing there arms outreaching with no one there to accept me...

And yet I know otherwise.

I know if there are people who love me unconditionally. I know there are people who will listen to my heart, catch my tears, and keep my secrets if only I would ask. In fact, I know there are people, right now in my life, who would be relieved if I would do this. I know these things and yet I struggle...

I would love to know how you invite vulnerability into your life?

Resources in Making Things Happen (CrowdFunding)

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:10:00 +0000

I am big fan of making things happen in my life and in the lives of others.

Do you have non-profit you want to start or are a part of and you need funding? Do you a group gift you want to people to pay into? Do you have wicked awesome ideas but don't know how to get them out of your head and into production? Do you have some money you want to invest in someone else (micro loan) and help them change their lives?

If so, and if you are just curious, please look just a few of the incredible resources there are out there to help you make things happen in your life and make your dreams come true!

Crowd tilt

We all love doing things as a group. Like with a lot of experiences, it's not what you do – it’s the people you do it with that matters more.

At Crowdtilt, we’re trying to make it easier for groups to do things together. Whether it’s a party-bus to the next Phish show or pooling money for a cause you know your close friends are passionate about – we just want to make that process of grouping those funds as easy as possible.

(from the About section on the website)

Start Some Good

StartSomeGood empowers people from around the world to become social innovators. By connecting social entrepreneurs with the financial and intellectual capital they need to transform an idea for improving the world into a reality, together we can turn ideas into action and impact.

There are no shortage of problems in the world, and no shortage of people with ideas to address them, yet they lack the resources that they need to get started. StartSomeGood provides social entrepreneurs with a platform to raise start-up funds and build a community of supporters -- all in a fun, engaging and community-driven way. Our site taps into the power of the crowd, allowing social entrepreneurs to ask for small amounts of money from supporters from around the world, and gives them the tools to update their supporters, provide unique rewards in exchange for support and run multiple campaigns over time.

We’ve taken the crowdfunding model -- which is growing in popularity world-wide -- and customized it to reflect the unique needs of social entrepreneurs.

If you are visiting for the first time, we know you will find many worthwhile initiatives and inspiring changemakers here. We hope you will choose to chip in to help make these important ventures start and thrive, to help those who are helping our world. And then we hope you think about what your community needs, and the good you might start yourself. We are here to help you turn your ideas into action and impact.

Creating a more sustainable, equal and just future will take all of us.

How will you StartSomeGood?

(from the About/Overview section on the website)

Crowdtap

The more you participate

the more you earn,

gaining you status,

privileges and cold,

hard gift-cards.

All of your participations on Crowdtap will help make donations to your selected charity.

Brands want your opinions and they want you to tell others. What better way than to give you their products.

(from website front)

razoo

What Can I Do on Razoo?

Donate

Search for and donate to 1 million officially registered nonprofit organizations.

Fundraise

Set up a fundraiser for a charity of your choice. There are no setup fees and no monthly subscription fees.

Collaborate

Raise money as a team on Razoo. Or simply help others spread the word about their cause.

(from the Learn More section on website)

kickstarter

What's Kickstarter?

Kickstarter is a funding platform for creative projects. Everything from films, games, and music to art, design, and technology. Kickstarter is full of ambitious, innovative, and imaginative projects that are brought to life through the direct support of others.

Since our launch on April 28, 2009, over $350 million has been pledged by more than 2.5 million people, funding more than 30,000 creative projects. If you like stats, there's lots more here.
How does Kickstarter work?

Thousands of creative projects are funding on Kickstarter at any given moment. Each project is independently created and crafted by the person behind it. The filmmakers, musicians, artists, and designers you see on Kickstarter have complete control and responsibility over their projects. They spend weeks building their project pages, shooting their videos, and brainstorming what rewards to offer backers. When they're ready, creators launch their project and share it with their community.

Every project creator sets their project's funding goal and deadline. If people like the project, they can pledge money to make it happen. If the project succeeds in reaching its funding goal, all backers' credit cards are charged when time expires. If the project falls short, no one is charged. Funding on Kickstarter is all-or-nothing.

(from the What's Kickstarter page on the website)

Oxfam

Oxfam is an international confederation of 17 organizations networked together in more than 90 countries, as part of a global movement for change, to build a future free from the injustice of poverty.

We work directly with communities and we seek to influence the powerful to ensure that poor people can improve their lives and livelihoods and have a say in decisions that affect them.

What we do

Find out how we work with others to end poverty and injustice, from campaigning to responding to emergencies.

Why we do it

We believe that respect for human rights will help lift people out of poverty.

Our history

Find out more about Oxfam.

Accountability

We strive to do what we say we will do. Read about our core values and operating principles against which we measure ourselves.

Until 2012, our work to achieve a just world without poverty will be guided by our Strategic Plan, "Demanding Justice."

(from the About Us section on the website)

Quirky

For centuries, becoming an “inventor” has been a hard gig to crack. Complexities relating to financing, engineering, distribution, and legalities have stood in the way of brilliant people executing on their great ideas.

Since launching in 2009, Quirky has rapidly changed the way the world thinks about product development.

We bring two brand new consumer products to market each week, by enabling a fluid conversation between a global community and Quirky's expert product design staff.

The world influences our business in real-time, and we share our revenue directly with the people who helped us make successful decisions.

(from the About Us section on the website)

causevox

OUR MISSION

For years, fundraising platforms stood between nonprofit and their donors. Non-profits had to send their donors to someone else’s site. We take a different approach. CauseVox brings your fundraising back to your own site. Because your story is unlike any others, your fundraising site should be unique too.

We have one purpose in mind: to tell your stories beautifully online, inspiring support & donations towards your cause. We do this through our simple, yet powerful, tools.

(from the About Us section on the website)

firstgiving

Since FirstGiving was founded over a decade ago, our organization has been dedicated to one purpose: empowering passionate nonprofit supporters to raise more money than they ever thought possible for the causes they care about.

We partner with nonprofit organizations to allow them to plan, execute, and measure successful online fundraising campaigns. For individual fundraisers, we aim to make the process simple, effective, and even fun!

Above all, we want nonprofit and fundraisers alike to meet and exceed their goals of raising money for important causes, building awareness, and expanding the world of giving.

(From the About Us/Overview section of the website)

Indiegogo

The Idea Behind Indiegogo

When our founders joined forces in 2007, they had diverse backgrounds and varied interests. However, they had one important thing in common: Danae, Eric and Slava each tried to raise money for something they were passionate about, but they came up short. They had great ideas, the passion to work hard, and good networks, yet access to funding through traditional channels proved limited. The trio was determined to find a solution to the problem. Indiegogo was born; the crowdfunding solution that empowers ideas and enables people to donate funds easily.

How We’re Fixing Funding

We’re fixing the funding process by empowering people from all over the world to accomplish extraordinary things through our platform. In 2008 we unleashed Indiegogo in the independent film industry and it was a smash hit. In 2009, we expanded to include all industries and today we’re the leading international crowdfunding platform, having raised millions of dollars for thousands of campaigns worldwide. Our belief is that anyone, anywhere who is passionate and works hard should be able to raise money.

Our Mission is to Get Your Passion Funded

At Indiegogo you’ll find a welcoming, supportive community that embraces collaboration, fearlessness and authenticity. You provide the passion, we’ll provide industry leading tools and support to help you promote your campaign and raise funds quickly, easily and securely. Have a look around and get inspired by the amazing people and campaigns raising funds every day. You could be the next, great success story!

(found on the About Us section of the website)

Kiva

We are a non-profit organization with a mission to connect people through lending to alleviate poverty. Leveraging the internet and a worldwide network of microfinance institutions, Kiva lets individuals lend as little as $25 to help create opportunity around the world. Learn more about how it works.

Since Kiva was founded in 2005:

844,334 Kiva lenders
$370,136,225in loans
98.97% Repayment rate

We work with:

168 Field Partners
450 volunteers around the world
66 different countries
(found in About section on website)

I hope I introduced some new wicked awesome fundraising/make it happen/invention-making/fund a project/friend, etc websites to you. I also hope it inspires you some kind of action.

"How To Be Alone" by: Tanya Davis

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:10:00 +0000

I absolutely love this video and poem!

A video by filmmaker, Andrea Dorfman, and Tanya Davis. Davis wrote the poem and performed in the video which Dorfman directed, shot, animated by hand and edited. The video was shot in Halifax, Nova Scotia and was produced by Bravo!FACT http://www.bravofact.com/

For more information on Andrea Dorfman, visit http://www.andreadorfman.com

This video was shot on a Panasonic HVX 200 and the animation was hand drawn+painted and then scanned into Adobe After Effects, exported as QTs and edited on FCP.

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

The Saxophone

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:09:00 +0000

My favorite Christmas gift this year was given to me by my dad before I even got home...

The Back Story: My grandpa, Leland Grant "Gus" Shields, use to play his saxophone in a dance band at BYU called the Y's Men Band. I loved imagining my grandpa playing his sax in that band and to this day still listen to his recordings. I loved my grandpa with all my heart and because of his love of jazz, then my dad's love of jazz, I too fell in love with jazz at a young age.

One day my aunt was telling me about the time her dad (my grandpa) had played the saxophone at her wedding and I thought that was awesome. So I asked my dad to play the saxophone at my wedding. This was so many years ago that I barely remembered asking my dad.

Years ago my dad found his dad's sax lying around collecting dust in the basement of his home and asked his mom if he could have it. She said yes so my dad took it home and it began to collect dust for a years at his house. My dad eventually bought a case off craigslist for the saxophone but the mouthpiece was missing and the sax needed a lot of work, if anyone was ever going to play it again.

Leland Grant "Gus" Shields' Saxophone

Then one day my dad began an unlikely friendship with a man, Don Degrady, that used to play in the Y's Men Band at BYU with my grandpa. Don gave my dad a beautiful mouthpiece for my grandpa's sax and told my dad of a wonderful place in Oakland, CA where they could fix up my grandpa's saxophone. So my dad sent it to that store.

Mouth piece given by Don DeGrady

The Christmas Story: So a few days ago my dad drove to Oakland early to pick up my grandpa's saxophone and then to pick me up from the airport to come home for Christmas. On the way home he told me the backstory of my grandpa's saxophone. He also told me that he had been praying for me to find a good man and get married but that he felt like he needed to do his part. So he decided to get the saxophone all ready to play, picked out a song, and is going to practice and prepare to play at my wedding!

I love my dad and LOVE his faith!

8 Tips to Writing a Wicked Awesome Blog Post

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:08:00 +0000

I have been doing a lot of blog writing lately and thought I write a post about a few suggestions of what I think makes for an awesome Blog Post. I’ve been blogging since 2006, one of the only times I was an early adopter, and have learned a lot about the particulars of writing blogs versus writing in other styles. So take it for what it’s worth.

1. Pick a GREAT Title/Heading:

When you write a book you have to give your reader a hook in the first chapter. When you write a blog post you have to give them a hook in the title. You get about 3-5 words to summarize and interest your reader. Choose your title/header wisely. Some of the best titles come directly from your content. Choose strong appealing titles that draw your reader in. Remember that you are competing with so much media you get a short chance to draw in your reader.

3. Visual scanning:

I think this is one of the biggest blogger mistakes. Many times if a reader sees that the blog post is longer than they can scan w/o scrolling down on the page they won’t read the blog at all. So...writing short, to the point, brilliant blogs are much more attractive to readers.

When a reader looks at your blog it should be visually pleasing and easy for their brain to process. So be sure to write short, easy to swallow, paragraphs. Run-on-sentences will KILL your blog post.

Less is always more when writing a blentry (blog entry).

4. Good quality content:

Become besties with a dictionary/thesaurus. See if you can find unique vocabulary to say what you want to say. It is amazing what synonyms make your writing more applicable to readers. Don’t get to preachy, intelligent, or use too big of words, but adding variety really does make a difference

Focus on ONE subject. Although many readers need a lot of stimulus, have ADHD, or are in the instant gratification—to many topics are a buzz kill and lead readers to drop out or leave your page in pursuit of more information on many of your topics. Stick to what you know and what you want to talk about. In other writing situations this is called your Thesis Statement, or the point you are trying to get across.

5. Utilize Links:

Readers love links BUT be careful or you might just be asking your reader to leave your blog and go wandering elsewhere. NEVER use a link to introduce new content. Utilize links to define words, to give clout/evidence to back up your ideas, or to give your readers other resources about your topic. Try not to put too many links in your post or that gets distracting.

6. Media/Pictures:

Like the links above be careful with your media (youtube videos, etc) and your pictures. They should go directly along with your post. Avoid putting in pictures or media in your post just for aesthetic effect. I know sometimes we get tempted to make things pretty and visually pleasing but if they are too distracting, again you will lose your reader.

Choose media that looks professional. Make sure they are cropped appropriately, that the quote is correct and actually by the attributed author, etc.

It is brilliant if you can use images to replace words. Never use words if you can accomplish your ideas with an image.

7. Call to Arms/Challenge/Question to Readers:

Not every blog post needs a challenge at the end or a question BUT they are a really good way to get your reader to think about your post long after they have finished reading it. HOWEVER, don’t just plop don’t any blanket blah question at the end. This is also the death of your post. Readers don’t like writers/bloggers to be condescending or treat them like idiots. If you want to ask a questions or issue a challenge then make it count and be sure to invite your reader to come back to the blog.

8. SHARE. SHARE. SHARE:

Readers of the world have WAY too many options out there to read. Most actual readers, not the readers that just happen upon your blog, but actual readers have certain blogs they visit, re-visit, and again go back to. They usually have a news blog, a music blog, Pinterst, Facebook, etc and so you need to pull them into your world. You do so by sharing your writing with people who are already invested in your and your life!

Don’t just “share” your posts online. Remember that people in your life are interested in what you love, what makes you tick, and what you are passionate about so open your mouth and invite people to your writing place. You might be surprised at how many people will end up jumping in your boat (when you invite them).

Modern Mormon Men

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:07:00 +0000

I love men! I get along with them better, I like facial hair, and I love a man who is not only strong but also intelligent. I especially love men who like to write. Do yourself a favor and check out the blog below.

www.modernmormonmen.com

Dear Single Men

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:06:00 +0000

Dear Single Men,

Don't worry so much about planning the perfect date
Chances are I didn't go out with you b/c of your plans
No matter what happens I will say thank you

If you give me an opportunity I will help you get my number
I will try to not always be in a gaggle of girls
But even if I am—be brave

When you finally get up the nerve to ask me out
I will do my best to be honest
If I say yes I will be ready and on time

If you ask me out again and I'm not interested
I'll find a way to say no—instead making of excuses
And sometimes, it's not about you, it's about me

Remember being a gentleman never goes out of style
I will try much harder to let you open the doors for me
And not downplay my strengths

It's okay if you take a break from dating now and again
It can be exhausting and expensive
In life there is no prize for serial dating

If you try not to judge my brains by my body
I will try not to judge your heart by your wallet
And we'll be happier

Challenge me and you might be surprised
I'll try to steer clear of the boring questions
ambiance, ambiance, ambiance

Take me somewhere where we can talk
But just long enough for me to want to know more
I promise I will listen

If you want to date my roommate
Be honest and upfront
I make a wicked awesome wingman

I will try not to count calories
If you won't talk about your WOD
And we can discover each other's passions

If you see me smiling a lot and genuinely laughing
I am having a great time
This is a good thing

Please walk me to the door
Help me to know if you are still interested
I will be gracious

Love,
Single Ladies

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly of Online Dating

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:06:00 +0000

ONLINE DATING

First of all I don't understand why anyone under the age of 28 would ever do online dating??

Secondly, Here are some of my thoughts—good and bad about the online world of dating.

Thirdly, Don't get bothered by anything I post here—just laugh about it! :)

Fourthly (is that a word?), I am going to be a little judgie in this post— If you can't handle the truth please skip this post!

The Good

--You can check out people in your area while in your pjs, during boring moments in your life, and in your own time.
--If you want a good laugh just read people's profiles—hilarious.
--If you are over the age of 28 (see note above) and people are wondering why you are still single they tend to leave you alone when they know you are at least "trying" the online dating scene.
--Most online dating sites nowadays (E Harmony, Match.com, etc.) have a filter for religion. This helps if you are Mormon and looking to only date other Mormons or Catholic looking to date other Christians, etc.
--Some people do actually meet & get married through online dating.
--The profile blurb section is really helpful to weed out people.
--Pictures, Pictures, Pictures. Current pictures in a few different settings really helps.

The Bad

--Online dating is basically Tinder (Hot or Not) with a little more information.
--Dating is all about attraction so people PLEASE put up your most attractive pictures of yourself and in the same year you are trying to date people. I don't want to see what you looked like on your mission if you are now 35.
--Why anyone would lie online baffles me. At some point you want to actually meet and date someone from online so you will have to show up and talk with them. If what you write and what you live doesn't match up....seriously stupid.
--People—I understand not everyone is a good writer but the profile blurby section is for you to attract someone to you. It is there for someone to read about your life and for them to be interested enough to drop you a line. If you can't figure out how to represent yourself appropriately then please find a friend or someone to write your blurb for you.
--Sometimes the matching/filter/test program thingy that matches up people has such high walls that it takes FOREVER to actually have any kind of conversation with another person.
--Online dating still has a negative stigma.

The Ugly

--Whoever invented the flirty, poke, caged phrases you send to someone if you are "interested in them" should be shot. NO ONE likes these things.
--If you are old enough to be my dad I don't find your "flirty" messages romantic I find them creepy.
--People ask me what I think about online dating, I've dabbled in a few different sites, so I can honestly tell them that I don't really like it. Why? Mostly, b/c in my real life I am interested in guys who aren't interested in me and guys are interested in me that I'm not interested in. This is only AMPLIFIED online when it comes to dating. Why anyone wants to live their not-so-great dating life in real time and then repeat that online is beyond me!
--If I reject your advances online, for whatever reason, it doesn't help your case to write me and tell me things like, "you aren't getting any younger" or " can you really afford to pass me up?" This is not the way to woo me.

I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas, experience, etc. with online dating??

Unspeakable Things

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:05:00 +0000

There are these moments in time when I am sitting listening to someone and I realize they are about to or are telling me unspeakable things of their heart. Usually, they cry, or make excuses for their almost tears. People find it so awkward or uncomfortable being raw and honest. Most of the time they throw out a caveat before they let go of their deep pain/secret(s.) I consider these moments sacred.

It is never easy to sit in those moments. Pain, anguish, heartache, loss, betrayal, shame, addiction, etc. are such heavy burdens to carry. Often they consume the hearts of those who can't speak. When someone shares unspeakable things with someone else it is almost impossible to know how to react. And so I usually sit in gratitude. I am grateful, for whatever reason, they felt safe enough to share their unspeakable things with me.

I have listened as friends have told me of their addictions, child's sudden death, their desires to end their own life, the hope that one day they will actually feel happy—secrets they were either ashamed or not allowed to share with their family, and so much more. There have been so many moments...

In those moments I felt relief for them as they spoke anger to God, whispered heartache they felt they couldn't share with others, and admitted shame they thought they would never be able to speak. As a result of sharing their unspeakable things I've seen people take needed and healthy steps forward. For some it is to let go and for others it is to cling to what they know.

I am not one to trust very many people with my unspeakable things. A few times when I've tried it ended in disaster. However, I keep trying. Every now and again my unspeakable things have landed on safe ears and hearts. I am truly grateful for those who are willing to listen.

This post isn't about people burdens, their choices, or their circumstances. It is about people finding places or other people where they can speak their unspeakable things. I hope wherever you are when you read this post that you have someone in your life that you can share your unspeakable things. I also hope that you are or can become someone who can listen and be with someone when they are ready to share. Those moments, either way, will change your life forever!

Sit With Me In My Pain

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:04:00 +0000

When I was about 25 I remember a friend asked me, "what do you fear?" I thought a lot about that question and, at the time, I remember saying, "regret". That was it. I wasn't afraid of death or a number of things that fill my heart with fear today. At 25 I felt invincible, like the world was my oyster, and my adventures were just about to begin...and they did.

Eight years later I find my heart filled with fears I NEVER dreamed I would have. I fear I won't get married, have kids, get out of Grad School debt, own a house, etc. If I'm honest, some nights I lie awake paralyzed with these overwhelming fears that seem to choke my faith and hope.

I know that I'm blessed. I have so much good in my life that sometimes even that is frustrating. (Ha!) I find myself wrestling w/ God over how thankful I am for all my blessings but they aren't the ones I REALLY want. I know I sound ridiculous. I know I should be more grateful but that doesn't stop the aching.

And right then in that moment all I want or need is someone to sit with me in the pain. They don't need to solve the problems or give me the answers. They don't need to tell me it will be okay. They don't need to say anything. Just sit there and grieve with me. Acknowledge with me my loss. I am stronger with you next to me, sitting in my pain, than I am alone.

My parents have always been really good at this. Recently, I wrote my them an email expressing some of my pain and I love my dad's response. He said, "...knowing that God knows your dreams and hopes and righteous desires, and yet nothing has happened may even make it harder. Do you remember Orson F. Whitney’s famous quote about adversity?"

No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven. (Orson F. Whitney)

It seems to be the natural tendency to want to fix others when they are suffering. We have great difficulty seeing others in pain. We somehow feel safer, less vulnerable, if we can fix someone else's pain. However, loss, suffering, and pain, the deep aching of a soul, can not be fixed.

I would offer a different help. Those who are struggling or in pain long for hope and stillness. I don't want you to fix me b/c these are the moments that make me stronger. But, let me know you are there, cry with me, accept my loss with me, buoy my faith, and sew seeds of hope in my path.

If you sit with me in my pain, then when I am ready to rise, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will be the first person I will want next to me in my joy and triumph!

New Beginnings

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:03:00 +0000

What Makes a Good Adolescent Therapist?

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:03:00 +0000

I get asked all the time by my clients, friends, and parents what makes a good adolescent therapist. Mind you, these are just my opinion—and as I am an adolescent therapist myself—I am quite biased. I thought I would put together this list as an easy reference and as a place to collect my thoughts on the subject.

A good adolescent therapist should be young-hearted and relate to teens. There are many adult therapists that also work with teens I DON'T recommend this kind of therapist. You should find an actual adolescent therapist to work with your teenager. They work specifically with teens.

They should be willing to do therapy in a way that isn't just sitting in an office (box) and talking/listening. They need to be willing to walk around, do some art therapy, music therapy, teens cognitively process better when they can move around, hold something in their hands, etc.

A good therapist should help the client/adolescent move in a forward direction. When I ask the teens I work with, "What is it that you don't like about therapy?" they usually tell me they don't like going week after week to a therapist that is just "listening". A good therapist should help them set goals that they can work towards and in the end feel a sense of accomplishment/self worth.

They should have a plan and not just be doing therapy sessions for months on end. Don't just pay someone to sit with your kid. They should have a plan and work themselves out of a job. When the client/child has accomplished their goals for going to therapy—a good therapist should let you and your child know.

A good therapist should be willing to collaborate with previous therapists or those who have been working directly with your teen. In this way they are adding to what experience she/he already has built up in previous relationships.

They should be confident in their area of expertise and licensed accordingly. If your child has needs they are unable to meet they should refer you to another therapist.

I am sure there are many other things that make up a good adolescent therapist but these are on the top of the list I give to those who ask me on a regular basis. I hope this has in some way been helpful.

Why I Don't Give Advice About Parenting

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:02:00 +0000

Just because you have the right to an opinion doesn't mean that you should always share it!

I find it rather interesting these day how much "other people" as in many times complete strangers feel the need to weigh on how another should parent. I find this ridiculous. Don't ask people when they are going to have a baby. Don't worry if someone uses the "Elf on the Shelf" to help motivate their children or if someone thinks it is the creepiest thing ever. Be careful not to share your opinions and what works for you in a way that makes others feel stupid or belittled. Parents have enough to worry about I think we should empower them more where they stand to do what they need to become the best parents they can. To each his/her own.

Let's take the way the computer came to be as an example. For years it was all about the big box that only companies could afford and that was the way it was. Then someone came along and thought I think we should make computers that people can have in their homes. This, of course, was unheard of. Then later someone else came along and said I think we should make computers that are mobile and that you can carry around. Crazy making! Then, of course, someone suggested we make computers/phones that you can literally hold in your hand. Absurd! Thank goodness there is really NO one way to make or use a computer.

This is how I see parenting. Creative, individualized, personal, crazy making, absurd, unheard of, delightful, surprising, hard, eternal, heart-breaking, etc. You have seen how it goes, someone comes out with the best way to discipline a kid and writes a best seller and just around the corner is someone else disproving that technique. It used to be that only way to train or teach a kid was to spank them. Then it was decided that we can't spank children but we can put then in time-out. Then it came out that time-out doesn't stimulate or teach your child so we should create a reward system and natural consequences and the list goes on.

So you can see there a multitude of choices, books, classes, advice, etc. on how to be a good parent and how to do parenting the right way. The thing is I have always believed that the best way for a parent to parent their child is for them to do it. I can't imagine giving someone else (unsolicited) advice about how to parent their child. I have 3 sisters that are married and 2 that have children. Even though I am a professional adolescent therapist and have spent years talking with kids and parents about to best communicate, set boundaries, and get along—I think they would laugh me out of the room if I started to tell them what I thought about their parenting skills.

Now don't get me wrong—clearly there are better ways to parent and bad ways to parent. That is where my job comes into play. I feel confident when someone is seeking professional help to better parent or communicate with their child that I have the training and experience to give them help/advice. When solicited or when one is seeking help this is a great time to share what you know, have read, think works best. You are empowered to have your own opinions and experience and when asked to share what you think. The opposite, seems to drive people away. Unsolicited advice never seems to work.

And Then I Asked

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:02:00 +0000

A few weeks ago I had a really bad day. I was having a "faith crisis", feeling lonely, and really just struggling. It was as if I was drowning in the kiddie pool. You know that feeling you get when you feel like you are falling through the ice and you are surrounded by a million people who love you but nobody seems to notice your falling until you are already under the ice. That was me.

I knew for certain that all I had to do was put my feet down in the kiddie pool and I would be okay. I knew all I had to do was yell out to someone—anyone that I was on thin ice and they would have thrown me a rope. I knew it without a doubt, but I also hated that knowledge.

I didn't want to have to ask to be helped. I didn't want to have "scream out" and cause a scene. I didn't want to come across as needy. I didn't want to have to tell those, that should already know, that I was hurting/struggling. I didn't want to ask.

And so I was stuck in this awful place of isolation surrounded by perfectly capable people.

I kept thinking, who helps the helpers? I realized, unintentionally, that I set myself up with many of my friends to be the capable, confident, happy, motivated, busy, listener-friend. These things are true about me, I hadn't been putting on a facade. But, anyone who knows me and has been around me long enough knows I cry, have bad days, make mistakes, and have LOUD weaknesses. I watched myself fall from a pedistal (I never put myself on) in their eyes, as I reached out for help. oh, I thought I'm no allowed to be weak, struggle, ask questions....I see.

You know how people tend to have a role in your friendships? The "clown", the "drama queen", the "thinker", etc. I had become to many, "the helper" and so when I had turned to them, in the past, they had a hard time seeing me as someone who was struggling. Just as was about to inch out my little turtle head of hurt—they shut me down and I retracted into my shell. This happened time and time again. So this time I wasn't inclined to ask for help.

After a battle with my pride, some self pity, and some great advice from a dear friend I finally asked the only person who I KNEW would listen and understand. I uttered a simple prayer, God, Please help me to feel loved. I need help and I don't know who to ask. I know you know who will understand and who is prepared to listen. So please send them my way.

As someone who has always believed in miracles, has relied on my faith many times—even I was amazed at the answers I received. The next day I got a letter from my friend who is South Carolina at Boot Camp and the entire letter was about the impact my friendship had made on his life and he was so specific about my strengths/gifts. He sent me such a tender mercy and I felt it. I got a VM that same day from a friend that said, Kylee, I don't know why but I feel like I need to listen to you. So if you have something on your heart that you need to share, give me a call. And the list goes on and on and on.

My problems aren't solved, my crisis hasn't gone away, but I was reminded what happens when I ask.

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find, knock, and it shall be opened unto you" (Matthew 7:7)

Somewhere Between

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:02:00 +0000

Birthdays make me nostalgic. Having a birthday on New Years Day not only has me reflecting on the past year but also has me looking forward with unbelievable possibilities. And so days like today I feel somewhere between lost and found. Between hope and heartache. Between possibilities and grieving.

I know I am blessed. I know I am loved. I know I have a God who counts the hairs on my head and is deeply in the details of my life. I know I won the lottery when it came to picking families in heaven—and speaking of heaven—I even have a cheering section there as well. I know I have a million things to be grateful for and the most secure & amazing safety nets in my life. I will be nearly impossible to be bomb out of life—even if I tried. I know I am blessed to have traveled the world, to have a started a business with one of my best friends, and to work at a job I absolutely adore. I know all these things and more. I am extremely grateful. It truly am.

It is these things and the things I will write below that keep me in the space somewhere between

Sometimes I take a moment at night to cry and grieve the story I thought my life would be. Sometimes I look at married couples and I'm not jealous of their marriage, or that they somehow miraculously found each other, but I long for the simple things. The reassuring hand on the knee, the gently guiding hand on the small of the back, the tired eyes exchange that speaks of late nights and personal secrets. I long for a place to hang my pictures and muddy shoes laying strewn at the door. I long for petty arguments that end with grand passionate kisses and tears of sincere forgiveness. I actually long for the hard days together because that would mean there would be someone to share them with. I know I have no control of the future but I also don't have any unrealistic expectations. I love love and I can't wait for more of it personally in my life.

So here's to a new year filled with hope, gratitude, love, laughter, kindness, real heart-to-hearts, understanding, healing, support, change, friendship, travel, and so much more!

"Say everything you've always wanted

Be not afraid of who you really are

Cause in the end we have each other

And that's at least one thing worth living for"

The Splat Theory: Why It Doesn't Work

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 04:01:00 +0000

The Splat Theory is simple. You splat on me and then I splat on you and now we're both covered in splat.

I am sure you have a very good reason to fling your splat on me. As you will quickly understand that it doesn't feel good to be covered in your splat and so I feel much better, more empowered, when I fling my splat back at you. Kind of like a food fight. Sooner, than later, it's almost as if we've forgotten why we started to splat in the first place. And worse, the reason there is splat everywhere suddenly has become more important than either of us. The thing more important than the person.

The Splat Theory doesn't work. It never has and it never will.

It's not about tolerance, or hating the sin not the sinner, or even about laws. It's not about who is right and who is wrong. It isn't about the minority or the majority or even the fad of the hour. It's not about who can shout the loudest or longest or who has the most signatures. In fact, it's not about taking sides at all.

It's about love.

Not the kind of love you think you are giving with your protesting picketing signs and your passive aggressive Facebook posts. Not the kind of love you falsely preach in the name of God. Not the kind of love you manipulate and guilt upon others. Not the kind of love that says I need to believe the same as you or you can't love me. Not the love you say everyone deserves but then withhold when it is suits you. No, not that kind of love.

The kind of love that listens. The kind of love that decides if you splat on me I have a choice in what I do next. The kind of love that heals. The kind of love that says it doesn't matter what the issues are but let's talk & listen to each other as humans with hearts that easily break. It's the kind of love that says I see you—you, naked and raw—and I'm okay with THAT you. The kind of love that understands there is enough light for everyone and this feeling of scarcity is false and crippling. That kind of love.

I find that quiet, honest, heart-felt conversations can make more impact at times than marching in any parade or signing any petition. I have found that compassion turns hearts towards others more than any kind of rhetoric or written law. Sometimes the only way I know how to show you love, when you keep throwing splat, is to love you anyway—not splat returned. Some of the most powerful lessons are learned in silence.

Let's stop splatting on each other.

Let's Talk About Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Kylee) — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 03:59:00 +0000

*Warning there are going to be adult words/content in this post*

Recently, a male friend of mine asked, "Can I ask you a very personal question?" Because I trusted him and because I knew if I didn't want to answer that would be the end of that I said, "Yes." He continued, "Can we have a conversation about how you deal with your sex drive as a 34 y.o single female?" That was the beginning of an incredible conversation.

About 3 weeks previous to that conversation I was sitting with a friend who had left the LDS church and we, among other things, ended up talking about sex. My friend, who was struggling with many things in the church, had "messed up" with his girlfriend and got his temple recommend taken. He talked with me about how hard he had struggled, as a guy, to not give into his sexual desires. How he tried to avoid pornography and masturbation. Sure, he struggled in those areas but he was really trying to be "a good man." He wanted to work with his Bishop and his girlfriend but he could no longer do his calling, take the sacrament, or attend the temple. He just felt like a failure and being in the church hurt more and brought on more shame than just leaving it. So he left. The conversation broke my heart.

Rewind a few years earlier to a conversation I had with some girlfriends of mine, all of whom were divorced, previously sexually active, and now struggling with their sex drive. I remember each of them, during this open conversation, remarking how relieved they were to finally be able to talk out loud about their concerns. They shared how difficult it was to be in their late 20's/early 30's, at their sexual prime, and not have anyone to really talk to concerning this topic. One of my friends mentioned that there seems to be really only two options to talk about this subject with: 1. your Bishop, if you "made a mistake" or 2. A Therapist. Either way, it was as if thinking or being concerned about your sexuality, sex drive, etc. was a problem—rather than a natural occurrence.

In all these conversations I've learned a lot about myself, my peers, how the LDS culture is viewed so differently from one person to the next. This topic has been percolating in my mind for some time but it is a sensitive topic. I have had parts of it in draft form for over a year. So here are some of my personal thoughts and I'd love to here what you think on the subject.

I made the choice to not have sex until I'm married. One thing that helps me in my situation (being a 34 y.o. virgin) is to remember that I made the choice to be as such. No one made me not have sex. the Church didn't make me choose to have self mastery. I know that if I really wanted I could most likely go out and have sex with someone somewhere. I know that sex is natural and good. I know these things and I also believe what I believe. I choose to put the responsibility and choice where it actually lies—in me.

I choose to love, listen, connect people to resources (when appropriate) instead of judge. There is too much shame, embarrassment, comparison with members of the Church about masturbation, pornography, sexual desires, etc. There is too much hyperawareness, especially in the LDS YSA/MSA scene, about lines being crossed in the law of chastity and not nearly enough focus on the power of the atonement, forgiveness, and love.

I choose positive self talk, not shaming, when I'm struggling with my own sex drive. I choose to work out, do yoga, talk with peers that are open and willing, and to be mindful and present in my life. I choose to address the issue rather than stuff it down or not acknowledge it.

I choose to acknowledge and grieve the bad days. I strive to be active in my life, maintain healthy relationships, create, express my passions, and when I have really hard days—when I get depressed or think it's not fair—I choose to grieve, cry, and let myself feel disappointed. I don't know anybody around my age who doesn't want to be in a healthy sexual relationship. I find it very healing and cathartic to acknowledge what I lack.

Sex does not solve everything. Having sex, getting married, and having children has its own set of trials, struggles, and affect on libido. I know these things will not solve anything for me. Really sitting in this reality for me, at times, is helpful. Having sex is not really what I want. Having sex in a meaningful relationship with someone I can trust, love, and be myself with—completely vulnerable, is what I want.

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, in her blog post "Let's Talk About Sex" wrote:

Most of the women in my research were undermined in their relationship to their own sexuality as they had internalized a message that eroticism and desire are unfeminine and risky to their desirability—a trait essential to femininity...That is to say, women are taught that they are naturally less sexual than men—inherently lacking hedonistic desire, and even morally superior to the supposed depravity of male sexuality. While superficially approving of women’s nature, this cultural prescription leaves women little room to legitimately experience, express or integrate their own eroticism. To be feminine is to suppress or disconnect from sexual desire, or feel ashamed of its presence...In my experience, many if not most LDS women struggle pre-maritally and in marriage to integrate a sense of legitimate sexuality and desire.

On so many levels I think this is true. I have had many conversations, as a therapist & as a friend, with lots of female friends/peers/clients who literally are afraid of their sexuality, their hormones, their desires. There is some kind of internal/external/Mormon Culture voice that tells them it is bad to get aroused or to have sexual desires. This is so damaging!

I choose to love my body. I choose to accept my desires/passions. I think it is very important to be free to express myself sexually in the right times & places, and with the appropriate boundaries. I not only want to feel equally yoked in my relationships socially, spiritually, mentally, but also sexually.

So, what do you think? I would love to hear if others agree, disagree, or what other thoughts you have on the topic?