Kiki's Adventures in eDating

Whirlwind Romance

2013-08-08T22:26:00.000-05:00

This summer got off to quite a start, dating-wise. I met some very interesting characters, though none that I really cared to meet again. (The most memorable is probably the Irishman who was completely devoid of a personality or sense of humour -- how is that even possible? Can't you get kicked out of Ireland for that?) We're into the end of summer now, as much as I hate the thought, and I think I may have just experienced the closest thing I'm going to get this year to a summer fling.  Let me start from the beginning...

Just over a month ago I made the mistake of meeting an ex for a drink.  He wasn't a significant ex - we only dated briefly in 2010 - so I thought nothing of getting back in touch. This turned out to be a mistake.  A funny thing happens when you reconnect with someone from your past. You can fall into an easy intimacy, if you're not careful, just out of an old familiarity. Well, I guess I wasn't careful. About a week after that, while I was still trying to sort out my feelings about him -- Do I like him, or did I just like remembering what a relationship feels like?  Could there be potential here? -- Oh the moping I did! And while I was moping, I met someone.

Naim is not someone I would have emailed first, if I came across his dating profile. Not because it was bad, but because there was nothing that especially grabbed me. So when Naim emailed on a Sunday to suggest we meet, I think I only agreed because he seemed nice enough, and because I needed to get outside and stop mulling over my thoughts.  I suggested we meet near my place and take my dog Winston to the park. (Yes, I was taking a cue from the romantic comedy 'Must Love Dogs'. It's smart, really -- dog antics are great conversation filler!)

My first impression of Naim was that he was handsome, with a great smile, and an adorable French accent. We talked in the park for a while, and although I can't say I really connected with him, I liked his optimism. Also, I found it fascinating to hear the perspective of someone who grew up in a part of the world so different from here. When we left the park, I didn't expect to hear from him again. But I did. Immediately! A few hours later he wanted to see a movie. I didn't feel like going out so I invited him over to watch something on Netflix. Now, a word of dating advice, if I may? Maybe watch something that makes you want to get closer on the couch. Don't do what we did and put on Braveheart for God's sake.
Read more »

There's something in the air

2013-05-31T12:47:00.004-05:00

I don't know what it is about springtime, but lately my dating site inboxes have been getting more emails than usual. I have to say, the winter seems to be the worst time for dating. Nobody really wants to leave the house. But now that it's patio season, everyone's in the mood to date again!

Lots to update you on, so I'm going to give you the short version. (Some of these would have made amazing posts on their own though, so I'm a bit sad at having to leave some things out. Oh well.)

Bad Break-up Brian: Back in March I met up with Brian for coffee, but he looked very familiar. Of course he did. I dated Brian already, six years ago. (Have I already dated all the single men, and now I'm back at the top of the list??) Anyway, he didn't seem to recognize me, so I just pretended it was our first first date and not our second first date. Back then, we went out a few times, but I realized he was a bit dim so I stopped seeing him. So this time when he asked me for a second date, I politely said 'no thanks' -- I already knew he wasn't for me. When most people get a 'no thanks' text message in reply to asking someone out, they leave it at that. What's there to say, right? Well if you're Brian, you dig deeper. If you're Brian, you continue to press the issue until the other person stops trying to politely let you down and just outright tells you to f*ck off. Poor Brian.
Read more »

On dating, heartbreak, birthdays, and puppies

2013-02-14T12:18:00.001-06:00

It's no secret that I've been avoiding this blog. Some of you have yelled at me through emails expressing concern that I've given up on dating. Most of you just yelled at me because you think you're missing out on some funny stories. One or two of you sent a congratulatory email, assuming that a lack of bad dating stories must mean that I've found the love of my life. Well, all of you are a little bit right!

In the fall, I wasn't especially into dating. I was more focused on eating healthy, learning to cook, and losing weight. I still checked my dating site inboxes, but there really wasn't anyone emailing me that I just HAD to meet, so I took a bit of a dating break.

When December hit, a flip in me must have switched because I signed up for every goddamn speed dating event and singles mixer I could find. Not kidding, December was a marathon of 7 minute dates, and all of them were disappointing. Also, there were some repeat dates. Remember the guy with the limp who I found kind of obnoxious? Click here for a refresher. He was at speed dating. TWICE. AND the holiday singles mixer. It was totally awkward. Another guy seemed really into me until I told him my name. He visibly deflated, then said quietly, "Oh. That's not a Jewish name. You're not Jewish." Then he kind of slunk away to the bar. I think that's the first time anyone has mistaken me -- a tall, buxom, freckly blonde -- for one of God's chosen people.

That brings us into January, which was pretty rough for me emotionally. I was struggling with the idea of being 30. Or more specifically, single, overweight, and 30. The media is pretty clear that this is a deadly combination for women. So when Scott, yet again, appeared out of nowhere -- yes this same Scott! -- and he charmed me and I began to care about him, despite him having pulled a disappearing act before, I was super careful not to fall for him. But...err..totally did anyway. Part of it was probably that I wanted it to work so badly that I gave him more chances than I should have. He has a track record of leading me on, and then disappearing into thin air, leaving me heartbroken. The douchebag signs were totally there, but I ignored them. To no one's surprise, he disappeared again, right before my birthday. To say I took it badly was an understatement. The timing was terrible! I was already feeling overly sensitive about the whole 'turning 30' thing, so to be duped by the man AGAIN just left me feeling sorry for myself, and really angry. Angry at him, but maybe even more angry at myself for being so stupid.
Read more »

Matchmaking

2012-12-10T21:39:00.001-06:00

I'm not one of those people who spends energy on trying to get people together. You know the stereotype of the woman that delights in setting up singles they know, and then taking all the credit for it's success? (I'm pretty sure I can think of at least 3 movies wherein that's the entire plot premise.) But anyway, that's not me. The only time I set friends up ended in a trainwreck.

The year was 2006 and I was about four chocolate martinis into our faculty pub night. (It takes at least four drinks to make library students fun, just a heads up.) For some reason Muffy wasn't there -- rare for a pub night, since I was the elected Social Coordinator and I used to force her out to all my events. Anyway, I was leading the martini charge when one of the guys from school asked if I knew any single girls. I yelled, "Muffy!" Looking back, I don't understand how this guy needed my help at all... Library school is about 85% women, and of those, 40% are straight. (Don't quote me on that. My love for gays and lesbians might be skewing my memory somewhat.) Hang on, I've forgotten the point of this story...Read more »

My date with Ricky Martin

2012-10-15T09:40:00.001-05:00

I finally -- FINALLY -- went on a date. It seems like it's been forever! Since August I've been concentrating more on learning to eat healthy and less on meeting someone online. So far so good though! I've lost about 10 pounds. (It's a good start, but it feels like a drop in the bucket sometimes.)

Anyway, a few years ago I signed up for a local matchmaking service. I enrolled for a year but I was really not impressed with them, and decided not to renew in the end. Despite not being a member anymore, every once in a while I get a call about a new match. That's how I ended up exchanging numbers with Ghani.

I really didn't know much about Ghani apart from what the matchmaker said of him. This is because when we tried to talk on the phone, there was a major communication gap. (His Venezuelan accent was too thick, and his cell reception less than ideal.) We had better luck with text messages though, and arranged to meet for a drink on Saturday.Read more »

50 more shades of... this guy

2012-09-20T12:34:00.000-05:00

He's back! This guy just keeps writing -- completely unsolicited. Prepare to be grossed out and uncomfortable.

How many more volumes do you think this guy will write??

I feel dirty...

2012-09-12T14:46:00.003-05:00

Sometimes you get an email that leaves you speechless -- and not in a good way. You're going to need a shower after this one...

Happy Wednesday readers! (Please pass the hand sanitizer.)

Cyberbullying

2012-09-05T22:24:00.003-05:00

This story starts in July. When I was on vacation in Florida, I chatted a bit with a guy named John who seemed like any other guy. He was your typical accountant-type, with slightly above average looks and a decent taste in movies. Nothing was really alarming about him, until after a while he started trying to turn the conversation to my sexual history. He wanted to know all about when and how and would persist even though I'd dodge his attempts at answering. Eventually I just had to tell him that it's none of his business, and I'm not comfortable discussing it.

Then something in him became completely unhinged, because the response I got was an all-caps rant about how I was a f*ing c*nt and a tease and on and on and on for a page and a half. I was in such shock I didn't know how what to do. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd shocked or upset me, so I wrote back, "You sound lovely. Coffee next week?" I guess he didn't like my sarcasm, because then he blocked me. I thought that was the end of him.
Read more »

Blendr - Just too many penises

2012-08-15T12:03:00.000-05:00

Hola readers! Sorry I haven't written in a while -- I've been busy with moving. I now have a larger apartment for less rent. Yay for me! But the packing, unpacking, and redecorating was grueling. Though I did have a team of amazing helpers! (Thanks guys!)

Meanwhile on the romance front, my dating life has become nonexistent. It's gotten so bad that I think my online profiles are growing cobwebs. So in an attempt to liven things up, my GBF (gay best friend) recommended I try out an iPhone app called Blendr. He's a fan of Grindr, the gay version of the same app. Apparently it's whole purpose is to help you meet people in your general geographic area.

I'm not sure what the app developers intended with the app, but I'm told that the men on Grindr primarily use it to locate guys in their immediate vicinity for the purposes of hooking up. It's totally just about finding people for sex with no strings attached. Since this isn't what I'm after, I was pretty hesitant about downloading the hetero version. (Sex with strangers? No thanks. I'd be too nervous and self-conscious and awkward to even enjoy it.) But GBF said you can also just use it as a dating app, to meet local singles. Sold! I downloaded it.

It really didn't seem at all scandalous. I filled in a very basic profile, and noticed there was a drop-down menu for what you're looking for -- I selected 'Dating'. Next thing you know, I'm looking at tiny pictures of everyone nearby who also has the app. Electronic people-watching! It was fun for a while, and I chatted a bit with a neighbour about our favourite gelato flavours. Nothing sexual (or even all that interesting) about it. Then I went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and noticed 7 alerts on my phone from Blendr. Seven guys want to chat! I got all excited, thinking I was pretty popular. I clicked the first message and there was a small picture of something I couldn't quite make out... maybe sand dunes or some sort of desert scene? I enlarged it. PENIS. Not even a hello first. Then I went to my next message. This time I got a hello, and another picture. It was something blurry and back-lit, so I had to make it bigger to see. Again -- PENIS. At this point I started to think Blendr isn't really a dating app at all. The rest of the messages? Two were just to say hi, but the others? PENIS. PENIS. PENIS.

In case you lost count, that's 5 penises I had to wake up to. All before I'd even had my morning coffee.

So if hooking up with horny 20-somethings is what you're after, Blendr (or Grindr) is brilliant. Nearly everyone was exceptionally good-looking and fit. (Or maybe that's more a reflection of where I live.) But don't be deceived by the 'Dating' or 'Relationship' status thing. Nobody there is interested in just meeting you for gelato.

Coworkers on Parade

2012-07-27T14:33:00.003-05:00

Last night was another fun event with my coworkers! This time, thankfully, it started at a reasonable hour. (Click here to read about the last time I went out with these folks.) It was the boss' birthday, and everyone was geared up to make a night of it.

We started out at The Pilot in Yorkville around 5:30pm. Drinks and appetizers were served -- I stuck to drinking diet coke for a while because I really can't handle my liquor, and I wanted everyone else to get a good head start. The Pilot has a rooftop patio, which would have been amazing on a less sticky and humid day. (As usual, I left the house with fantastic hair and makeup only to arrive at my destination completely soaked. What's that expression? 'Girls don't perspire, they glow'? Oh I was glowing alright.)

The funny thing about my coworkers is that after you get a few drinks in them, all propriety goes out the window. (Interestingly, it's usually the HR gal that riles it all up.) For some reason they were completely fixated on my breasts last night, and the resulting pictures are truly horrendous. (There's an especially dirty one of me holding a beer with my cleavage while Deb pretends to mouth the bottle. Oh Lawdy, I hope that one doesn't end up on Facebook.)

Anyway, I did eventually start drinking. I ordered a glass of wine, trying to be classy, but that didn't last long. A bunch of us had a drink called a grenade -- a shot of tequila, quickly chased with a shot of Jägermeister dropped into a glass of Red Bull. It was truly disgusting. I followed it with 3 glasses of water. Then I discovered Long Island iced tea, which went down MUCH too easily.

Read more »

A bit of poetry

2012-07-26T12:18:00.002-05:00

It's not every day that you wake up to a poem in your Inbox. This particular gem comes from a guy on Plenty of Fish who, apparently, gets inspired in the wee hours of the morning.

I guess it's not bad considering that he wrote it at 4am. Over eight months of online dating and this is my first poem! An eDating milestone! (And you people wonder why I don't go on more dates...?)

Singles Mixer Snooze-Fest

2012-07-19T12:15:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to a singles mixer at Parlour on Adelaide. Remember Cici the yoga instructor from my Vegas trip? Well she was my wing man for the night -- or rather, I think I was hers. I was just NOT in the mood to be charming, so I let her take the lead.

I tried out a hairstyle I saw in a magazine last night for the first time. It was supposed to give me beachy waves, but instead gave me Shirley Temple. And then the humidity on the walk to the bar gave me frizz. (I can't win.) Having bad hair at a singles mixer instantly saps your confidence, but on we went.

I wasn't wearing my glasses so I couldn't get a good sense of who was there, but Cici immediately noticed that the ratio of women to men was about 6 to 1. She seemed pretty discouraged, while I remained mostly indifferent. We did a short lap around the room and landed on a couch next to two very quiet Iranian men. Cici kept the conversation going while I tried very hard not to be bored. (I did, however, take a strong interest in my gin & tonic.)

On the way back from getting another drink, we chatted up one of the event organizers. He had the unforgettable name of Chris Brown. We talked about the statistics of dating events, and which events were more likely to attract either of the sexes. Pretty interesting stuff actually. Apparently their wine tasting event was packed with guys. (Will definitely make a note to go to their next one.)

Read more »

What are the odds?

2012-07-16T16:09:00.001-05:00

I've exchanged a few emails with a guy in the last day or so -- let's call him Larry -- who bears an uncanny resemblance to Ken, whom I dated in January. Even down to the limp. Over text, Larry said he walks with a slight limp, due to a tumor he once had in his spinal cord. I got the whole story, and it was kind of sad. (Apparently he just drew the genetic 'short straw'.) What are the odds that I'd meet two men on Plenty of Fish, of a similar age and build, who both walk with a limp? This is the question I asked Muffy today in a text, which got the funniest answer ever...

Were you in a limp chatroom? (Ha! Oh that could go so many ways.)

Anyway, he's been texting me all day. Not even kidding -- I've had four texts and it's only 5pm. He seems really nice, but gimme a break! He's taken all of the usual 'game' out of the situation. There's no mystery, no wondering if he'll call or text. I've complained about 'the game' a lot, but now that it's out of the equation, I kind of miss it. Without any challenge, and with the guy practically falling at my feet, I seem to be much less interested. Could it be that 'the game' is actually important to the human mate selection process? I'm storing this thought for later.

Party 'til the sun comes up

2012-07-12T22:24:00.000-05:00

You might remember from my last post that I was supposed to go out with Henry the landscaper last night. Well, it didn't happen. I slept through what was supposed to be our second date. Let me explain why...

On Tuesday night (which was technically Wednesday morning) I went to a work function that began at midnight and went to about 5am. It's not like me to go out drinking on a weeknight, but my company was sponsoring the event, and there was an open bar, so how could I pass it up? I also had the added incentive of maybe meeting a guy -- it was the after party to an IT conference, so the ratio of men to women was about 6 to 1. I liked the odds.

I wrestled myself into some spanx, troweled on some makeup, and put on the sexiest heels I could manage to walk in. I think I looked pretty good, so I'm sure I had a definite strut when I got out of the cab and walked toward the line-up. As soon as I got my VIP wristband on and got in the door, I knew instantly that my hair and makeup didn't stand a chance. The old hall, chosen no doubt because it had a stage for the live band, had NO AIR CONDITIONING. It started out hot, but quickly turned into a sauna as people arrived and began dancing. (I went from looking sexy to looking like a half-melted wax figure of RuPaul in less than 15 seconds.) Some guys were even down to undershirts, once they figured out that they had sweat stains to their waist.

"Well this shirt's ruined. Better just take it off and keep dancing. Shots! Shots!"

Being only about six months into my job, I've never had the opportunity to party with my coworkers before. This was the first time I got to see everyone feeling relaxed and tipsy, and it was surprising the personalities that came out. The cool guy in the office kept giving everyone the thumbs up all night, the quiet Italian guy who claimed to be too shy to network started drinking rum and cokes two at a time, and one of the programmers got completely tanked and took it upon himself to be my wing man -- basically he just ran around the room asking guys if they were single, and if he found one, he then found me and dragged over to them, asking them, "Have you met Kathy?" (That's not my name.)
Read more »

Eat, play, love (travel)

2012-07-10T11:02:00.000-05:00

Hiya readers! I have so much news! I wish I had time to write everything in separate posts, but I'm just going to have to write one post with point-form updates.

FLORIDA
Vacation in Florida was amazing! I went with my mom and sister for a week of laying by the pool and shopping. I came back with a [very slight] tan, and lots of great clothes. I would just like to say, however, that the house we rented seemed to have some creatures living in it. I woke up in the middle of the night to use the washroom, and on my way I saw something dash from one shadow to the next, and I heard little footsteps. I stood there for a minute trying to decide whether to grab my phone (to use as a flashlight) and investigate, or go back to bed. Since the creature was actually IN the washroom, I went for option #2. Anyway, that was the last night of the trip, so I didn't get too creeped out. There were lots of tiny lizards around the pool though, which were more cute than creepy. (I'm pretty sure lizards can't hurt me, and these ones were definitely not heavy enough to have audible footsteps on lineoleum... *shudder*)

DATES

The night before I left for Florida I had a date with Dan the elementary school teacher. He was very nice, and we had a good time, but I'm not sure we really connected. We've exchanged a few messages, but I think I was the one to initiate, so unless I hear from him again, which seems unlikely, I'll chalk that up to a nice evening, but no chemistry.

I've also just this past Sunday been out with another guy, Henry the landscaper. We just did the typical Starbucks thing, but I think we had great conversation. And I'm sure he felt a spark, because he asked me out for tomorrow night before I even got home from our first date -- I had to travel to the end of the subway line, so it was a bit of a journey. Anyway, my initial thoughts on him are that he is soft-spoken, has a great smile, and seems family-oriented. He's not the classiest guy around, but that seems to matter less and less with each loser I go out with.

WORK

Do you ever have days (or weeks) where you feel like you can't do anything right? Yep, that's me. Apparently I was so excited on the Thursday before my vacation that I ran out the door without officially telling anyone, and I missed a big staff meeting. That's a pretty big oops. Like, 'official HR warning' oops. Where was my head?

I've always been a bit flighty and forgetful -- my sister once summed it up nicely when she said I'm the dumbest smart person she knows. This isn't an insult at all, despite how it sounds. I didn't take it that way, and she didn't mean it as one. I just read a book where the main character's 20-something son possessed a seriously high IQ but was always a little 'out to lunch'. I sort of feel like that too, except my IQ isn't as impressive. Mostly it just seems like I'm always saying the wrong thing. Anyway, until I'm put on a project that really highlights my strengths, I'd better be careful not to come across as too absent-minded, or these people will wonder why they hired me in the first place.

In other news, I'm going to a work party tonight that starts at midnight and goes until 5am. My company is sponsoring the after party to a big conference, and my instructions were to 'look cool'. What am I going to wear?? At least it should be good for a blog post!

LIFE

Kind of related to work, I've noticed I'm a major stress eater. This is definitely working against my goal of getting healthy this year. Since I don't see work getting less stressful anytime soon, I've decided something's got to give, and that's my diet. I've made a decision to start Weight Watchers, which should at least make me more careful about what I eat when work is getting to me. I guess my first step is to find a meeting? I don't know. I'll report back.

So that's it from me for now! Lots going on, so I'll have lots to write about!

Wake-up call

2012-06-25T23:22:00.002-05:00

This morning, at around 7:45, I was woken up by my phone. Nobody calls me that early, so I was really startled. Also, it was from a blocked number. It turns out, it was a woman on the verge of tears, who wanted to know how I knew Doug. Thus began a very dramatic morning.

I confessed that I hadn't met Doug yet, but we met on a dating site, and were supposed to go for coffee this evening. She told me that she has been with Doug for two years, and they just got a puppy together. Not only that but three months ago she uprooted her life in Alberta to move to Newfoundland to be with him. Needless to say, she was completely distraught.

We talked on the phone for a while, and I answered all of her questions as best I could. She asked me if I thought Doug was just looking for sex, and I had to tell her that I didn't think so -- my profile is extremely wholesome, since I don't want to be solicited for casual hook-ups. In a way, I wish I could have told her he was just looking for sex. Maybe it would have been easier to understand, and feel like less of a betrayal.

She was determined to confront Doug with evidence and catch him in his lies, so I did everything she asked of me. Women need to stick together in these situations. I sent her a screen shot of Doug's dating profile and the emails we exchanged, which included dates and times that he said he was available to meet.

She called me again after she talked to Doug, and said that Doug was lying about being on the site, and claimed someone 'hacked' his account. She knew this was ridiculous, but wanted to warn me that Doug might try and get in touch. (He never did, he just deleted his account off of Plenty of Fish.)
Read more »

He fouled my nest

2012-06-20T11:16:00.000-05:00

I don't have any recent dating stories to tell, but I do have one from Friday involving a barely-dressed man in my bed. (Don't get excited, it's not one of those stories.)

So there I was, at home alone on a Friday night at 1am, tootling around the internet trying to find an apartment. I was dressed in a sundress that I think was on its third wear, and my hair was especially dirty -- not expecting company, obviously. Then out of nowhere, a knock at my door. I just assumed someone got lost on their way to the party down the hall, so I didn't even look through the peep hole. But it wasn't a party-goer.

It was Dan. We used to be neighbours until just over a year ago, but now we're mostly just Facebook friends. He's also the guy I'd call if my computer started acting weird. (Everyone needs one of those friends.) Anyway, Dan is a bit of a weekend partier, and the fact that I now live in the club district near all of the bars hasn't escaped him. Sometimes he crashes on my couch -- no big deal.

Anyway, I opened the door and I swear the smell of booze hit me before I fully recognized him. He stumbled in with a bottle of Brio, barely managing to kick his shoes off and sit down. He looked like he was heading to the couch, so I figured he'd be passed out in no time. I left him alone to begin my bedtime routine of showering and teeth brushing, and when finished, I came out of the bathroom to a seemingly empty apartment. Did Dan leave?

Nope. Found him. He had stripped down to an undershirt, boxers, and tube socks and was sprawled out face first on my bed. Now, ordinarily a woman who finds a good-looking, half undressed guy in her bed might be a bit excited. But my first thought was "Damn it get off my duvet before your stink gets on it!". Priorities, am I right? I yanked him up into a sitting position, the first step to getting him out of my room, when I heard him mumble something that sounded a lot like "garbage can". JESUS ROLLERSKATING CHRIST! I barely had time to shove my waste paper basket under his chin before he started vomiting. IN. MY. BED.

At that point all I could do was hold the garbage pail until he was done. I did eventually get him on the couch, after putting down a drop-cloth, and got him some water. He passed out again within seconds of his head hitting the pillow. Poor Dan. At least he had the courtesy the next morning to take his puke bucket with him. Oh, and he left me $5 to buy a new one! Enough to buy a new basket AND some Febreze, methinks.

Blog neglect

2012-06-14T08:42:00.001-05:00

Hello readers! It's been a really long time since I last posted, and I'm starting to feel really guilty about it. The last you heard from me, I was about to go into surgery. Well, it went swimmingly. I am definitely enjoying my lack of gallbladder.

You know what I'm not enjoying lately? Online dating. In the past few weeks I've been exchanging emails with a bunch of people, and a pattern is emerging. After about the fourth exchange, they lose all interest. It's very frustrating. Also, it leaves me with very little to write about! Oh, and remember Finn? Well he hasn't remembered me. His life is all baseball, all the time. I'm not terribly disappointed we never got that second date.

At the moment, the only guy on my radar is Doug. He seems very nice, but also extremely busy with traveling back and forth between Toronto and the east coast for work. As a result, our emails or texts are infrequent. I have little to no hope that we'll ever meet.

So that's about all that's going on in my dating world. I have another speed dating event in a few weeks, which I'm going to with Stacey. I think she's more excited than I am. It's a 'mix and mingle' format, which is a bit more nerve-wracking than the standard table rotation speed dating. I'm nervous! (Also, not sure I have a cocktail dress that I like. This is important.)

I enjoyed my break from the blog, but I'm back! Maybe my next post will be all about the comedy of errors that was my surgery. Stay tuned!

Bye bye gallbladder!

2012-05-24T21:22:00.001-05:00

If you know me, you know that I've been complaining about my gallbladder for about 2 years. (I know that some of you had to suffer through a lot of whining, and for that I'm mostly sorry.) But as of tomorrow night, I will be free of it at last! My surgery is scheduled for the morning, and I'll be home and on awesome drugs by dinnertime. I'll be out of town at my parents' place recuperating, likely high as a kite, so I won't blog again until next week.

And speaking of the parents, it turns out that bad gallbladders run in my family. Tons of relatives have already had this surgery, so it's no big deal. As far as I can tell, you can live normally and eat normally pretty soon after surgery. Thank God! It's barbecue season!

Check out that picture. Who knew something so small could cause so much pain?

Wish me luck! I'll be back next week, with one fewer vestigial organ.

My date with Finn

2012-05-24T21:03:00.000-05:00

Hiya readers! Ok, so let's talk about my date with Finn. We met last Thursday night after his baseball game -- it was about 11pm by the time he got to my place. As he was on his way up from the parking garage I tried to sneak a look at him in the security monitor. His pictures were really good on OkCupid so I had my fingers crossed that he was as handsome in person. When he stepped off the elevator I formed an immediate first impression based on these thoughts:

Holy crap he's a giant! I guess "6'8" on his profile wasn't a typo after all.
Is it my imagination or does he look a bit like The Situation? Maybe a little -- but no six-pack, tan, or douche-vibe.
Dear Lord, I need to burn that shirt.

All of those thoughts happened in about 3 seconds, then I gave him a big hug -- on tiptoes, obviously. We decided to walk along King Street until a bar caught our fancy. Finn is a really chatty guy, so conversation was light and breezy.

Quick dating update

2012-05-17T13:42:00.000-05:00

Hi readers! I'm going to make this brief, but I've been asked to do a bit of a summary of some of the guys I've mentioned over the past little while. (Not that there's a lineup forming to meet me or anything.) Here goes:

Steve the boot guy -- Starts a new job in Atlanta next week, so no plans to meet. We rarely even say hello over skype, so the book's now closed on this guy.

Shawn from speed dating -- A total flake. Texts occasionally but can't seem to make a firm plan to meet. Not interested.

Nikola from speed dating -- Would have been interested to meet, but our emails tapered off. Probably won't hear from him again.

And now there's a new guy to tell you about! His name is Finn and we found each other on OkCupid. We're meeting for a drink tonight after his baseball game. What I know about him so far is that he's nearly 30, lives just north of the city, and is a case worker for the welfare office. He has one of those jobs that must be extremely difficult and emotionally draining at times. (I know I couldn't do it.) Also, he seems really into sports. Even bowling! As the world's worst bowler, I secretly hope he never suggests we play. (I hate bowling.)

Since Finn is driving down after his baseball game, he was worried he wouldn't smell good. He sent me a text message this afternoon explaining that he wouldn't want me to get the wrong impression, and that his baseball shoes don't 'breathe'. I wrote back that I can't judge -- I have a few pairs of ballet flats make my feet stink for the same reason. He then responded with, "This conversation is getting pretty hot." Gotta like a guy with a sense of humour! Full date report coming soon...

My contribution to science

2012-05-14T22:34:00.001-05:00

I really wasn't sure if I should write this post, because it definitely falls into the category of "Too Much Information". But, as with most things that have been happening to me lately, this story was too funny not to share. Just a heads-up though, in case there are any men who read this blog -- this post is about the kind of doctor visit that no woman looks forward to, and I'm going to make mention of 'down there'. Cool? Cool.

Yesterday while showering I found a lump in a private area. Is there anything more terrifying? I don't think so! I probably spent a good hour afterward trying to further investigate, maneuvering mirrors and lamps in countless ways, but without success. (What am I, a gymnast?) Anyway, time to call the doctor.

Funny thing about doctors. As soon as you tell them you found something strange crop up in a private place, they can't wait to get you in to see someone. I called at 2pm and had an appointment for 7. According to Rose the receptionist, they prioritize the 'down there' cases in an attempt to stem the flow of any sexually-transmitted epidemics. Honestly, by the time Rose hung up I felt like I was patient 0 of some kind of scary new STI.

In a brief moment of panic I began googling pictures of all the STIs I could remember from grade 10 health class. What did I learn? I learned that NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO SEE THAT. F*ck you, Rose! And also, you pretty much have to have sex to catch anything. So... Moving on.
Read more »

Fitness Singles

2012-05-12T21:28:00.000-05:00

A while ago a reader emailed in and asked if I'd tried the dating site FitnessSingles.com. I wrote back and said that no, I haven't checked it out, but I would register and then review it -- all in the name of research! (This was like 3 months ago, and I'm only just writing about it now.) Of course, me going on a fitness site is a bit of a laugh in itself. I mean, yes I do bootcamp classes a few times a week, but I am far from 'fit'. (Between us, I think I need to lose like 50 pounds. But I can still rock a cocktail dress!)

So I made a profile, just to check out the site. Unlike most sites, this one will ask you for your exact height and weight -- thankfully there's a "rather not say" option in the drop-down menu. On a fitness site though, that's pretty much code for "I'm fat but I don't want you to know how fat." I also had to indicate 3 sports or activities that I participate in, and my proficiency level for each. I picked skiing, golf, and aerobics -- I couldn't figure out if bootcamp should count as 'aerobics' or 'weight lifting', but after a quick search of the women's profiles, women who indicated 'weight lifting' as their activity kind of looked like the East German swim team, so I went with 'aerobics'. The rest of the profile questions were completely ordinary, and I wrote the same blurb I write on all sites: "I work in IT, I like dogs, blah blah blah." At this point I could write a dating profile in my sleep.

So three months later, it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I'm not exactly popular on this site. I'm just not what these guys are looking for, and I totally get that. I think if you want to be a success on this dating site, you have to post a picture of yourself in tight, yoga clothes. Or a bikini. It's basically a dating site for hot athletes, is what I'm saying. You'll see a lot of guys like this:

Not exactly hard on the eyes, right? Unfortunately none of these men emailed me. Here's who did:

Yeah, this site isn't for me. I can't attract anyone younger than 50. (And/or, closeted gays? Anyone else getting that vibe from bachelors 1 and 4? Maybe it's just me.)

Anyway, I'm just glad I didn't have to pay to browse this site. You do have to be a paying member to read the emails you get though. So if you're a hot, fitness maven, I'd love your review! Has anyone out there joined FitnessSingles.com?

Please tell me this has happened to you

2012-05-08T22:05:00.003-05:00

You know how they say that a butterfly flapping its wings in Canada can cause a tsunami in Japan or whatever? (I'm pretty sure Ashton Kutcher said this.) Well I totally had one of those days. It all started with a misaligned lid on my afternoon mochaccino. It bugs me when the mouth spout of the lid opens over the seam of the cup, so I tried to swivel it around. Unfortunately the lid was on tighter than I thought, and my hands fumbled. On any other day, with my usual reflexes, the cup and its foamy contents would have dropped to the ground. Today though, I was like a ninja -- I caught the cup alright, but upside down. I looked like the victim of a drive-by wet T-shirt contest.

I stood there a minute letting what had happened sink in. I mean literally -- my bra was acting as a giant DD-cup sponge. I didn't have time to go home and change before choir practice, so I came up with a game plan. Hop on the subway and hit up Walmart for a fresh set of clothes. It's right next to where we rehearse, and I only would only have to sit in my own mess for a few subway stops. Off I went.
Read more »

Disappearing act

2012-05-06T20:38:00.000-05:00

Hello lovelies! Wasn't the weather amazing today? I treated myself to a mani-pedi and a frozen yogurt. I started out in such a good mood!

But then my mood hit a bit of a snag. Last night I exchanged emails with a guy on plenty of fish who seemed really amazing. He said his name was Alex, 29 year old, an accountant, who lives downtown. Nothing out of the ordinary, right? So he gave me his number and I said I'd call him this afternoon to meet for a drink. Fast forward to me calling him... and the number didn't work! I was given a fake number!

"The number you have dialed is not in service."

I called him on it and he said he was having some trouble with his phone. I suggested we should still meet after dinner, because we don't live far from each other, and then *POOF*. All of a sudden his messages and his profile disappeared from view. So what happened? He blocked me.

This is an example of someone who goes online, creates a profile, and has absolutely no intention of meeting anyone in person. He's a dating site creeper. There could be many reasons... maybe he's married, or an old dude trying to chat with younger women. Or maybe the creeper is a woman! There's no way to know.

The surefire way to suss out a creeper is to insist on meeting them in person. You demand a first and last name, and a phone number, and then you make plans to meet in some public place. Not too much to ask at all, right? There was a time when I was naive and far too trusting of those 'people' I met online -- which ended in me feeling like an idiot for having wasted my time. Readers, please learn from my mistakes and don't trust anyone until you get DETAILS. You can definitely meet some fantastic people on dating sites, but if someone seems too good to be true, well, they probably are.