Kill Your Lunch Hour

Smart/Dumb Like a Fox (in Faux Fur)?

2009-09-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

My friend Laura Benedict has lost her mind. Or has she? You may know Laura from her novels,Calling Mr. Lonely Hearts and Isabella Moon, or the anthology she edited, Surreal South, or her blog, Notes From the Handbasket. How do I know her? From MySpace, of course.As I learned today, however, she's got a brand new bag, so to speak. She's decided, as she explains, "to spend a year shopping

Wine Saves Lives

2009-08-19T18:13:00.000-07:00

Today I sent Sophie on her first day of kindergarten. The whole way there, I felt like hurling. "Are you OK, Soaf?" I kept asking her. "Are you OK, honey?" She was. When it came time for her to go, she got in line and left without even saying goodbye. She looked like she'd been going to elementary school her whole life. The pride! The relief! The exclamation points! Looking back on her short

Kindergarten Krisis

2009-08-17T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am avoiding going to the store for school lunch fixin's. I am most decidedly dragging my feet on this, the day before the day before Sophie starts Kindergarten. I had no idea I would feel so much anxiety, such nostalgia, such terror. I've spent the better part of today feeling fragile and weepy, probably because it seems impossible that I'm going to commit my little girl to a big brick

The Roughshod Guide to Being Five

2009-07-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

Congratulations! Now that you're almost five years old, there are all sorts of things you can do and understand for yourself. Your motor skills are now sophisticated enough to hold you in place for a good five seconds after spinning yourself around for the entire length of your favorite song. This is a triumph, despite all the puking. Don't worry; that's a trait that's harder to kick, and just

The Dad From "Uncle"

2009-06-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

In honor of Father's Day this weekend, here's one from the "Men are From Mars" files, and one of my favorite true stories. (Hi Wendy and Brian!)Wendy and Brian recently had their first child, and as Wendy closed in on her due date, Brian was going through the motions of first-time fatherhood. He reminded Wendy to keep her phone handy. Then he had another idea. "I know," said Brian, "let's have a

You've Waited Too Long to Potty Train When...

2009-06-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

After April's breastfeeding frenzy post, "You Know You've Been Breastfeeding too Long When..." the clamoring for more of my child-rearing advice has reached new (and totally fictional) highs. Today, a loyal reader in Fort Lee, New Jersey asks, "My three-year old son is still happy to wear diapers, and shows no interest in potty training. When is it time to lay down the loo law?"Sincerely,Poopy

New Mom Felony Prevention

2009-06-11T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'll never forget the days and months when nap time was THE most important time of the day. And even though we lived then on a dirt road in a tiny mountain town, a solicitor or delivery person of some kind would find us, and knock on the door. This meant tears for everyone, as the dogs would bark wildly, waking up little Sophie, who would, upon noticing that she had been tricked into falling

Forty Five Minutes

2009-06-09T12:04:00.000-07:00

A month after Sophie was born, I made arrangements for her to stay home with Alex for an hour so that I could go someplace and write. I'll never forget how he looked holding her tiny, sleeping body as I closed the door: Scared to death. And because Sophie and I hadn't been away from each other longer than the length of time it took me to use the bathroom, I made skid marks in the driveway

An Adult's Guide to Children's Entertainment

2009-06-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

One of the most overwhelming parts of parenting or babysitting a youngster is choosing from the vast array of materials that have been created for consumers under the age of 18. Without discussing the quality of these offerings--*cough*Hanna Montana*cough*--Disney alone is responsible for an astounding number of movies, shows, and CDs that exist today, and that's only one very fertile fish in

Fictional Ad Campaigns: Metamucil

2009-06-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Metamucil,Please call me regarding a new ad campaign I have in mind, the focus of which is targeted toward the aging Generation X population and its collective love of the Young Guns trilogy. I have it on good authority that Emilio Estevez, a huge fan of the Berry Burst flavor in your product line, is excited about the opportunity to step in as Metamucil's new spokesperson; further, Jon

Overheard at My House: Father's Day

2009-05-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

Her: With Father's Day coming up, I want to get Jim a really great gift, but he always finds his gifts before I have a chance to surprise him.Me: That's what you get for buying in advance.Her: I just need a really good hiding place.Me: If he's anything like Alex, you could put it next to the vacuum cleaner, or the laundry detergent.Her: (thinking) I guess I'll keep it next to my clitoris then.Me:

Great First Dates: Achilles

2009-05-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

"All you girls can talk about is my heel."--Achilles, at a TGIFridays, 1994, moments before buying his first Porsche

Reverse Makeover

2009-05-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

Dear TLC, please call me, I have a new show idea. It's called Reverse Makeover. The premise is this: you take a nice, normal enough gal or guy, and over the course of time, strip away any and all qualities that may have made him or her attractive in any way. It's the home version of the game show called life. You may have heard of it.The "before" and "after" reveals at the end are startling, to

Landscaping: I Need a Miracle

2009-05-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

Behold, this is the result of a mere weekend's worth of yard work, and I've still got tons to do, based on the mess I've made that was intended to eventually improve things. In short: Landscaping is hard, as evidenced by the top of my forearm pictured here, which is pretty scraped and scratched up from pruning various bushes, trees, and shrubs. This is the result of watching too many DIY home

Cute Overload

2009-05-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

Teacher Appreciation Week was last week, and Sophie's preschool went into full-tilt celebration mode, with all kinds of special treats for teachers, including two days in which one teacher from each classroom got to take off for two hours in the afternoon while a parent helped out the remaining teacher in charge. When I got there for my volunteer shift, I was assigned the toddler classroom, a

You've Got Snail

2009-05-12T10:16:00.001-07:00

You've Got Snail is my new 7-minute Zenumentary dedicated to one of our favorite pets: Dorothy the Snail. In all honesty, I know I'm the only one who is fascinated and comforted by her, but I also like to think that the snail cam might add some peace to your day, and that watching it for a few would be something someone like SARK would recommend. Give it a watch, and remember, sometimes it's

Six More Weeks of Winter

2009-05-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

Behold, Sophie's first YouTube-published film. I think she's a minimalist, and really good at capturing the angst of what it's been like dealing with the cold, wet Colorado weather all month. Here she is (or at least a glimpse of her shoes), doing what we always do while we wait for Old Man Winter to take a hint and head for Australia. (Specifically, we hang out indoors, listening to Jeff Kagan.)

Happy Mother's Day, Even if it is Fake

2009-05-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

Why yes, actually, I am the 2009 Mother of the Year. And because I'll suspend my disbelief six ways from Sunday for any amount of appreciation, I'll take the award and pretend it really exists. Now if you'll excuse me, I've only got a few minutes before the press corps shows up wanting to know what's next for a woman like me.

Four is a Magic Number

2009-05-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

What I'm noticing about being a first time mom is that every new stage that Sophie reaches in life is better than the one before it. I imagine this stops being the case sometime during the teens, but I'm still holding a half-full cup. At four and a half, Sophie is real character, with her ability to hold long conversations about her feelings, and short ones about her mini existential crises. "

You Know You've Been Breastfeeding Too Long When...

2009-04-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

New mothers ask me all the time (by which I mean never), “Jody Reale, what’s your take on breastfeeding?” I usually tell them that, whether you decide to breastfeed or not, it’s your choice. Don’t be bullied; weigh the benefits against your personality, your own happiness.They then usually ask me, “That sounds good, but how long should I breastfeed?” I like to say that, again, it’s totally up to

Here's Looking Up Your Old Address

2009-04-16T13:45:00.001-07:00

From 2000-2006 we lived in Nederland, Colorado, where we enjoyed a simple mountain lifestyle 20 minutes and 3,000 vertical feet from Boulder. Our house was small, our driveway was steep, our dogs were off-leash, and everyone was more or less happy. What I wonder now, three years after having left, is this: How did it escape my attention (until now) that the same town that keeps a frozen dead guy

How to Give Parenting Advice in the Most Annoying Way Possible

2009-04-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

Make sure that the person you're advising wants no part of your insight. Your input should come out of nowhere, without provocation, and at the most inconvenient time. If you can muster a condescending tone, use it as much as possible. When "offering" your coaching, make sure it stems from information that is either clinically unsubstantiated, or was popular in the 1950s. As a next step, begin

Is it Me, or is it Windy In Here?

2009-04-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

The Winds of Change takes what looks like a much-needed break in the Turks and Caicos Islands, Caribbean How do you feel about change? Considering Barack Obama's success in the last presidential election, most folks seem like they're a-OK with it. But me? (All political leanings aside) not so much.I say this, not because of any particular feeling I can put my finger on, but because of the

Twitterverse Curse

2009-03-31T06:54:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, I'm going to acknowledge that it's one thing to blog about a dream I had--sure, that's gross enough. It's another to blog about a tweet I wrote while I was dreaming, but that's exactly what I'm about to do. Biz Stone, honey, congratulations. You win.I've been catching a lot of messages in the media and in more personal communications about why Twitter is--or isn't--the hot new

Domestic Activism

2009-03-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

I admit it: as my life changes, the things, the causes, I'm most passionate about change along with it. I used to think of myself as an activist; now I'm lucky to consider myself at all. I think that's OK, so long as I don't become so bland that I forget that it's not all about the dishes, the laundry, the house, the big aspirations yet unmet. So long as I don't forget that life is messy, and