Killed By Fish

Here's My Atheist Billboard

2012-01-25T14:35:00.000-08:00

There are two new atheist billboards up in Minneapolis, MN; the design, message, and pretty much everything about them has stirred some arguments in the comments on Pharyngula recently. Some atheists are embarrassed by the amateurish elements included in the design: eye-hurting yellow background, washed out picture of a baby, font that looks suspiciously like comic sans; some think it's not the right message. Others took issue with the line breaks, etc.
So I came up with my own design and message for a billboard to promote atheism. I may not be any sort of design professional, but I am mean. I hope that makes up for any lack of professionalism.

I Get These Catalogs In The Mail

2012-01-24T03:29:00.000-08:00

Admittedly, this isn't one of them. I made it up. It is not-so-loosely based, however, on a real, actual catalog for some outfit called "Fungi Perfecti," who make numerous claims of healthful results from consuming their mushroom products, only to negate each one with an official disclaimer at the bottom of the page.
*Note: this statement is not intended to convey the uselessness of Fungi Perfecti, or in any way denigrate their crappy products.

So I Had This Idea For A Game Show

2012-01-22T01:29:00.000-08:00

(Curtain raises, cue theme music)

The Newtlywed Game. A fun romp with three couples, competing to find out which couple really knows each other the best!

Ah, well...that's the idea, anyway.

I'll need some help, though; with Newt Gingrich apparently winning the South Carolina primary on Saturday, a show like this is a sure hit. So I'll need lots of questions for the couples! And just as in the original Newlywed Game, there are two rules that apply to each question:

1. All questions must have juvenile yet titillating sexual connotations; and

2. Sex is always referred to as "whoopie."

To get you started, here is a sample question by host Bob Eubanks, and some likely answers from Newt's wives.

Well, it looks like all three couples scored on this one!

For anyone else who wants to play, below the fold there is a blank Bob Eubanks/word bubble image (hereafter referred to as the "Eublank") and a blank "Newt's wives hold up cards to give their responses" image. Simply copy the imaage and slap your own text in by whatever software you may use for such things; comic sans is not required as a font, but, as always, is strongly recommended.

And If My Computer Crashes, I'll Just Click The "Help" Button

2012-01-21T17:17:00.000-08:00

I tried to take a picture of a camera once, but the shutter closed before I could swing it around in front of the lens.

I Got Your School Prayer Right Here

2012-01-17T16:53:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't follow news about legal rulings, or read any of the athier atheist blogs, last week a federal judge ruled in favor of 16-year old Rhode Island high school student Jessica Ahlquist in her lawsuit agaist her school district. For roughly the last 48 years, a banner has hung in Cranston High School West; it features a prayer written in 1960 by a seventh grader, and was given to the school by the class of 1963. Coincidentally, or not, it was in 1962 and 1963 that the U.S. Supreme Court issued a pair of landmark rulings deeming such things unconstitutional and therefore illegal in public schools. You can see it to the left; click to embiggen, but it's pretty standard stuff, calling on "Our Heavenly Father" to please grant us basic human decency and help us learn to be better, more honest people.
Today the school board is reportedly discussing whether or not to comply with the judge's ruling and take down the banner. And, much to everyone's surprise, the morally superior Christian population has ~~responded graciously~~ rained down threats of hellfire, damnation and violence on Jessica. Here is just a small, small sample of tweets about the case:

Margaret @jessicaahlquist U little brainless idiot, hope u will be punished, you have not win sh..t! Stupid little brainless skunk!

iCrothsnotTM @jessicaahlquist How does it feel to be the most hated person in RI right now? Your a puke and a disgrace to the human race. It’s still up!

Jessica Ahlquist My home address was posted in the comments on the projo website. I have little siblings and a sick mother. You cannot be serious. Retweeted by iCrothsnotTM

amanda aldridge she just destroyed a piece of cranston west’s history. hope you’re happy #stupidbitch

Matt Starchild May that little, evil athiest teenage girl and that judge BURN IN HELL!

Elijah Kilbane If this banner comes down, hell i hope the school burns down with it!

Sydney Magner Honestly I think the juniors are the most mad about the banner thing because all of us actually know the psycho bitch.

Gab Zaccaria I think everyone should just fight this girl.

Zach The Dog Fuck Jessica alquist I’ll drop anchor on her face

Caleb McDevitt im sabotaging her site on fb lets just say its going to be nuts you need in on dat dawg?

AJ St.Angelo Let’s all jump the girl who did the banner #fuckthatho

Im Dante Smith hail Mary full of grace @jessicaahlquist is gonna get punched in the face

And her state representative, Rep. Peter Palumbo, called her an "evil little thing."
Did I mention she's a 16-year old girl who won her case in court?

So, obviously, whatever the original intention of hanging a prayer banner in a school gymnasium was, either it didn't work or this is just what happens when a large group of people waits for a magical supreme being to grant them qualities they should probably work on acquiring by other means. In fact, it's obvious that the prayer needs a little work, to bring it more in line with its own ideal of "honesty." Here is an honest prayer for the good people of Cranston High School West. They won't be able to hang this banner in the gym, but perhaps every student could print out a copy and memorize it and carry it to school that way.

You Are Required To Fill Out All Fields Marked *Required

2012-01-12T18:09:00.000-08:00

Hey, Funboys, Get a Room

2012-01-09T00:26:00.000-08:00

With one day to go before the all-important New Hampshire primary, Mitt Romney (left) has reason to laugh and point at Newt Gingrich's stupid face; the most recent polls show Romney capturing 40.2% of the vote, nearly doubling the second place showing of Ron Paul at 20.8%. Gingrich, probably burping up some noxious gas here rather than laughing, is fifth at 8.6%, trailing not only Romney and Paul but also Rick Santorum (10.6%) and even Jon Huntsman (9.4). Source: realclearpolitics.com
What Romney is probably smart enough to realize, though, and worry about, is that the New Hampshire primary is rarely about winning, or gaining delegates; it's about expectations and whether you exceed them or fail to meet them. In 1968, Eugene McCarthy's strong showing against a sitting President, Lyndon Johnson, helped push Johnson into retirement. In 1972, George McGovern's close second place finish legitimized his campaign and propelled him toward the nomination; the immortal Ed Muskie's disappointing showing, and legendary crying jag on TV, doomed his chances. Jimmy Carter used a surpise victory to launch a campaign that ended in the White House, and four years later Ronald Reagan resurrected his chances with a win after a bad showing in the Iowa caucus. And in 1992, Bill Clinton resurrected his faltering campaign with a decent second-place finish; after this, he dubbed himself "the Comeback Kid" and proceeded toward the presidency. Of course, he had actually led in the polls a month before, and wound up losing, so "Comeback Kid" was only technically accurate, but that's why we loved Bill Clinton, right? He told us how things were, we knew it was bullshit, and we voted for him anyway.
Yes, it's all about expectations; and what you can expect is a mad attempt to spin the results by each camp to make it seem like things are going as planned.

"We wanted to leave room for the campaign to grow."

So Romney, basically, has set himself up to win what the media will call the "presumptive nominee" tag with a margin on the order of what the polls show, but if he fails to win by at least 12-15%, and Paul or anyone else can make a close show out of it, the media will start to use words like "faltering" for Romney and "surging" for anyone who exceeds expectations.
More great Santorum headlines are a virtual certainty; another failure to make headway could result in calls for him to pull out.
And someone, likely Rick Perry (1%) and possibly even Gingrich, will be officially "hapless." As in "written off." As in "loser."

History note: Today, January 9, 2012, is Richard M. Nixon's 99th birthday. Or, rather, it would be if we still had him to kick around. We don't, at least not in corporeal form, but we do need to make sure that his name remains properly sullied. He was, despite his famous protestations to the contrary, a crook. Not to mention a liar, a racist, a bully, and a Generally Wrong Person. What baseball scouts call a five-tool player.

Happy birthday, Dick. Oh, and fuck you. You're still a pile of shit, and history will not vindicate you.

Bible Verse For Tim Tebow: Deuteronomy 23:1

2012-01-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

With Tim Tebow about to embark on his first NFL playoff adventure this Sunday, and the NFL still persecuting the poor man for his faith by not allowing him to wear his trademark Bible verse/eyeblack as he did in college, I wish to send him off, at least symbolically, with an appropriate selection. As always, I've found something football-related.

“He whose testicles are crushed or whose male member is cut off shall not enter the assembly of the LORD.”

While the deeper meaning of this verse is still being discussed today among theologians, one clear interpretation widely agreed upon is this: Tim is allowed to play football, but he has to wear a cup.

Romney Beats Off Santorum Challenge

2012-01-04T23:07:00.000-08:00

"I wanked 'em all!"

Well, obviously I'm going to play this little headline game, too.
According to the results I've seen at this point of Tuesday's Iowa caucus, former governor Mitt Romney has edged his way past former senator Rick Santorum to win by a handful of votes in some terribly archaic and arcane process that means nothing in terms of delegate power for next summer's Republican National Convention. It is, however, something that the media can scrutinize as it awaits next week's New Hampshire primary.
There isn't much of a lesson to take away from Santorum's showing in Iowa, other than the fact that this state, which has given strong showings and surprise victories to people like Pat Robertson and Pat Buchanan, has a penchant for supporting some truly unpleasant people in their quadrennial square dance. It might mean more scrutiny and focus on the former senator from Pennsylvania, and I'm guessing his ego and vanity and general cluelessness will cause him to believe that the Iowa results have somehow vindicated him, and he will be encouraged to put his full unpleasantness on display when he's under the spotlight.
Romney comes out clean, meanwhile, having avoided the two things he couldn't do: 1)come out of it looking like a loser, and 2)saying or doing anything noteworthy in any way.

Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann is reportedly calling it quits, having learned that even in the unlikely event of her winning the presidency she wouldn't be appointing senators, and Rick Perry is re-assessing.
I must confess I am surprised; I never saw Santorum coming, and I really wish I hadn't just written that. But Santorum seemed so unlikely to leave a mark on this election (no no stop) and so much more likely to slide into oblivion (dammit) that I didn't even deem him worth a campaign button.
I'll see about rectifying that...oh, I did it again...

Barbie's Facebook Page

2012-01-04T19:22:00.000-08:00

With all the talk online regarding dolls, girls, and the color pink recently, I thought this would be a good time to repost this, orignally posted at Cracked.com to celebrate Barbie's 50th birthday in 2009. And yes, the right-hand side has been deliberately cut off; I turned necessity (just not enough room provided for a whole Facebook page) into comedy with the ancient yet still effective gag of leaving the reader to imagine the end of key sentences. And since it was written for Cracked, it's pretty much one long dick joke at Ken's expense.

Ha Ha Ha. Of Course It's Not Funny, Ha Ha Ha, I Would Never Laugh At Such A Thing

2011-12-29T15:38:00.000-08:00

Here is a video taken at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, where baby Jeebus once lay in the manger. It is maintained by three religious denominations: the Greek Orthodox Church, the Armenian Orthodox Church, and the Franciscan Order of the Catholic Church. They seem to have regular disagreements regarding exactly who is responsible for the upkeep of the church, and here they try to settle things by hitting each other with brooms.

What would we do without priests? The world needs them; people who are willing, at any time, to sacrifice any pretense of dignity just to make us laugh.
Oh, wait--I'm thinking of clowns. My bad.

Owner Of A Clueless Heart

2011-12-27T21:10:00.000-08:00

Q: I was at a bar with some friends the other night, just partying a little, when I saw across the room a gorgeous young woman sitting alone at a table. I wanted nothing more than to go talk to her and ask her to dance, but I was so nervous I was practically shaking. Just too scared.
So I had a friend go over and ask for me. When she looked up, I grinned and waved at her. What I want to know is: is this a good technique for picking up women? I'm asking because it didn't work.
--Bill W., Chicago

A: If what you're aiming for is to let your friend pick up women, then yes, it is a good technique. For you to meet women, not so good.
You obviously need to work on your courage and self-esteem. As we all know, this comes from a bottle. Hey, you're already in a bar, why not have a few drinks to get loosened up? You, being extra nervous, might need to drink more than the normal amount. A lot more. This might cause its own problems, though--motor skills and judgment may be impaired. But it might be your only chance. Your best bet is to get completely soused, stumble over to her, and try to play the "I'm so drunk I can't help but be blunt and honest" card. The idea is you are so out of it, you are absolutely compelled to tell her how attractive you find her. It probably won't work either, but at least you'll be drunk when it fails. And if you're drunk enough, you won't care. If you're drunker than that, try not to throw up on anyone you know.

Q: The company I work for has recently hired a new receptionist. She is absolutely perfect--in looks, in style, intelligence--really, she has it all. I think she might be THE ONE. But she's always so busy at work, surrounded by people, and even after hours, it seems like she's always with someone, and I never really get a chance to talk to her alone. How can I get to know her? How do I slyly, without fanfare, let her know how I feel?
--Steve L., Detroit

A: At some point in her day, on some day of the week, I can guarantee she will be alone. You need to find out when, and be there to take advantage of the opportunity.
Obviously, you need to know her schedule better--know it inside out, if possible. This is why stalking was invented.
I would start out with something innocuous--either follow her home after work, or, if possible, get her address through your company. Go to her house late some night, make sure she's inside, and then, when you're positive there's no danger of being caught, look in her mailbox. Then, run away.
Do this a few times, until you've built up the courage to try the next step--walk past her on the street without saying anything. Try to do this at least 2-3 times a week, but no more--you don't want to make her suspicious. After a few weeks, walk by her again--only this time, do it with a stupid new haircut. This will let her know that your whole world has changed because of her.
That should get the ball rolling, so to speak.

Q: I had this big date last week with a woman that I've wanted to go out with for weeks. It couldn't have gone better--great dinner, good movie, and back to her place for sex.
Now, I'd always heard that fondue was a great aphrodisiac, so I indulged quite heartily earlier in the day, wanting to be fully charged when the action started. Everything was going great, until we got undressed and I discovered that I still had some cheese on my dick. It pretty much ruined the moment entirely, and I don't think it will happen again. What I want to know is: is there anything to that fondue idea, or is it just an urban legend?
--Mike D., San Antonio

A: I have no idea. And what's more, I don't want to have any idea. It's up to you, really. Maybe you should try it again--I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Well, I suppose you could burn the shit out of yourself. But, you know, no pain, no gain. Or something. So just keep trying, dude.

Q: I had something happen to me recently that I swear, was straight out of Letters To Penthouse.
I was riding home from work on a crowded bus, where most of us had to stand and hold on to the overhead railing. It was rush hour, and everyone was in transit. They had us packed into that bus like sardines, so much so that you couldn't avoid lots of bodily contact.
At one point, even more people got on the bus, and the resulting crush pushed me up against this beautiful woman. Right up against her, so close it was almost better than a lap dance. We gazed into each other's eyes for a long moment, and then she said in a sultry voice, "this is my stop. Want to get off?" She rang the bell.
Well, needless to say, we went straight to her apartment and got physical immediately, with no preliminaries. We practically ripped each other's clothes off, so eager were we to get things started. Then, with no warning, the mood changed abruptly. Turned out, to my horror, that I still had some cheese on my dick from an experiment the week before. My question is, how do women generally feel about that sort of thing? Is it always a deal-breaker?
--Joe P., Milwaukee

A: It's hard to say--every woman is different. But what I need to know is--did she know it was cheese? Maybe she mistook it for something really disgusting. Did you tell her what it was? An even better idea might be, from now on, to warn your pickups ahead of time that you might have cheese. To be really sure, you might even have the information printed on a T-shirt, a medic alert bracelet, or even a tattoo. It's always best to be up front about your condition.

Q: I have an active sex life, and because I don't want kids and don't want to risk disease, I use condoms. I have bought some from the local drugstore, but the old woman who is always working there always looks askance at me when I ask for them. She treats me like a criminal, and tries to embarrass me in front of other customers. So what I'm wondering, is there somewhere else where I could possibly buy a large number of condoms?
Hal B., Wilsonville

A: Yes. Try a condominium. Most towns have at least one.

Q: How do I know if a woman is attracted to me?
Jack T., Miami

A: She's not.

Q: No, really. Sometimes women give me mixed signals--they're interested, they're not interested, they say no but act like I should try again. Really, it's almost like that old song, "Your Lips Say No But The Cheese On My Dick Is Really Causing Some Discomfort." So tell me--I desperately need to know now--is there any one thing, any single sign to look for that would tell me if a woman might be interested in me?
Jack T., Miami

A: Probably. Now stop bloody stalking me.

Answer To Yesterday's Word Search Puzzle

2011-12-26T22:08:00.000-08:00

The subject, of course, was "things that go through your mind when you're doing a word search puzzle."

Gingrich Left Off Virginia Ballot; It's "A Date Which Will Live In Infamy"

2011-12-26T16:57:00.000-08:00

With the Iowa caucus only a week away, the race for the first batch of delegates to the Republican convention is awaiting the sound of the starter's pistol.

It's fortunate, then, that the pistol will not be in the hands of any of the Republican candidates, since their ability to tell the metaphor from the reality seems to be in short supply these days.

Newt Gingrich, the thrice-married Family Values candidate, received some bad news recently when he was informed that he had not collected enough signatures to be placed on the ballot in the state of Virginia. The campaign had this to say about that:

By now you’ve likely heard that our effort to gain access to the primary ballot in Virginia was not successful. This was not due to a lack of effort by our volunteers, but the cumbersome process in Virginia.

We are exploring alternate methods to compete in Virginia – stay tuned.

Going forward, we will be as in-front of the process as possible and with the help of our grassroots volunteers we will make all other deadlines.

Newt and I have talked three or four times today and he stated that this is not catastrophic – we will continue to learn and grow. Remember that it was only a few months ago that pundits and the press declared us dead after the paid consultants left. They declared that the decision not to compete in the Ames Straw Poll would mean that Iowans would ignore us. Some will again state that this is fatal.

Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941: We have experienced an unexpected set-back, but we will re-group and re-focus with increased determination, commitment and positive action. Throughout the next months there will be ups and downs; there will be successes and failures; there will be easy victories and difficult days – but in the end we will stand victorious.

To help achieve that outcome we each need to spend the next 24 hours enjoying our families and friends as much as possible. Enjoy their company. Be grateful for them. Gather strength from them. The promise of a better future for our family and friends is the reason we are committed to rebuilding the America we love.

May the spirit of the season fill each of you. Merry Christmas.

Michael Krull

National Campaign Director

"Oh, the humanity!"

Yes, the Gingrich campaign is likening his failure in Virginia to the attack on Pearl Harbor in December, 1941.
Not that things are going a lot better in Iowa of late--Gingrich's standing in the polls, which reached a high of 31% as recently as Dec. 13, has currently sunk to 14.7%, and the former House speaker now trails both Ron Paul (22.3%) and Mitt Romney (21%). If Gingrich is to lose this important opening battle for the 2012 nomination, it may well spell Dien Bien Phu for his campaign.

Ron Paul, meanwhile, has been attempting to deal with the fallout from some incendiary remarks in a pair of newsletters, the Ron Paul Political Report and the Ron Paul Survival Report, specifically a series of racist statements made mostly between 1989 and 1994. Among these was the observation that black criminals are particularly problematic given their ability to run really fast. Paul, as he did in 2008, is claiming to have no idea who wrote those newsletters; unfortunately, he either hadn't come up with this excuse as yet in the mid 1990's or no one informed him about the invention of videotape.

There was also an interview with the Dallas Morning News in 1996, in which he not only failed to deny authorship, but added "If you try to catch someone that has stolen a purse from you, there is no chance to catch them."

Well, maybe you could distract them with a watermelon, Dr. Paul.

Meanwhile, former front-runner and current Texas governor Rick Perry went for the sports analogy, declaring himself "the Tim Tebow of the Iowa caucuses." Since he's currently lagging in fourth place in both Iowa and national polls, Perry is obviously looking for a miracle comeback; aligning himself with a well-known sports figure would seem to be a good bet to gain some ground fast.

Or not. Tebow threw four interceptions in a 40-14 loss to the Buffalo Bills on Saturday. Somebody should tell Rick Perry about Aaron Rodgers. A fourth-place showing in Iowa could pretty well druckenmiller the whole campaign.

ESPN Doesn't Like Me

2011-12-19T00:23:00.000-08:00

I am proud, sort of, to announce, quietly, that for the first time in my online life, I have had my commenting privileges revoked at a major website. At least temporarily, I am told. Well, finally! I mean I won't be ignored, dammit.
The self-proclaimed "World Wide Leader" in sports media, ESPN, informed me yesterday on their website, ESPN.com that my account there, under the name feralboy12 of course, has been suspended for at least 24 hours and that I need to read the rules for commenting. Apparently, the moderator found my last comment offensive or hateful or something; unfortunately, the World Wide Leader is far too busy Leading Worldwide to give me any specifics.
I forget what the original post that was being commented on was about; probably something involving football. In any case, some yahoo burst in to inform us all that he measured "12 sexy inches," like we needed to know that.
So I naturally replied, "Yeah, but how big is your dick?"
For that, I am in sports exile.
This is not the first time, though, that ESPN has brought down the hammer on me; two years ago, when I was casting about for sites to post my old sports blog, Odd Growling Noises, I naturally tried the ESPN blogging network. I put up several posts there, only to have one, this one about Bill Belichick hiding bodies under his floorboards, removed by the moderator. Not pleased. So I gave up blogging there (it was a pretty feeble setup, as I recall; I couldn't tell if I was getting hits or not), and didn't even try to post this story about ESPN troops capturing Paris.
Now this is the same ESPN.com that recently published a piece by Jemele Hill that scolded everyone for mocking Tim Tebow's prayer pose; that mockery constitutes disrespect of his religious beliefs, and that is just wrong. Of course, Tebow's religion would have me tortured, in accordance with the will of his loving God, for all eternity but hey, it's his faith. Yeah, respect.
Whatever. It's possible I'll be able to comment there again soon; again, whatever. In the meantime, here's a little disrespect for the World Wide Leader. Their vast empire includes a magazine, cleverly called ESPN: The Magazine, which I received for a short time a few years ago. It sucked. It sucked so bad that I wish I could submit some suggestions for cover graphics; a nice collection of rejected ESPN covers would really add to my portfolio, I'm thinking. They're so cute when they're angry at me.
Here's something for their next issue.

Republican Debate Heats Up

2011-12-18T19:07:00.000-08:00

I Do Not Understand This Game

2011-12-18T14:09:00.000-08:00

As I've said before in this space, I am a Kansas City Chiefs fan.
This 2011 season was pretty much a lost cause roughly two months ago, after week two when the Chiefs got blown out for the second straight game. At that point, they were 0-2 with an aggregate score of 89-10 (if I remember correctly, and I'm damn sure not going to look it up).

And now this week, which they began with a 5-8 record and no real shot at the playoffs, they host the undefeated, defending Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers (13-0 and a riding 19-game winning streak going back to last season)...and win 19-14.
I do not understand this game.
And somewhere, the surviving members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins are popping the champagne corks. As the last team to finish a season with an unblemished record, nearly 40 years ago now, they are known for celebrating, every year, when the last unbeaten NFL team goes down.
There is a part of me that is somewhat disappointed in today's outcome, however; while I could never root against my team, the Packers were one team that I wouldn't have minded seeing going 19-0 and putting those Dolphins to rest. Really, that 1972 Miami team does not deserve to be remembered with the great ones.
It was a good team, with a solid, disciplined defense and a pounding running game. But they lucked into a rather easy regular season schedule, and they were gifted with the good fortune of not having to face the Oakland Raiders in the playoffs thanks to one of the flukiest, most horseshit-looking plays in NFL history (a play known as "The Immaculate Reception,"). Yes, they went 17-0, the only unblemished record in league history, but they were far from being the best ever.
I'm old enough to have watched the 1972 Dolphins, yet young enough to retain clear memories of that team. And how would I describe them? Two words: bo and ring.
They had a Hall-of-Fame quarterback (Bob Griese) who was best known for not throwing the ball to his Hall-of-Fame wide receiver (Paul Warfield, who averaged two catches per game). Their terrific defense, nicknamed the "No-Name Defense," is best remembered for not having any players that anyone remembers. Their crowning achievement, the 14-7 Super Bowl win over the Washington Redskins that capped the unbeaten season, had one and only one memorable play: a ridiculously botched field goal by the Dolphins that featured kicker Garo Yepremian attempting to pass and coughing up the ball for a Redskins touchdown.
Their strategy, essentially, was to get an early lead and then prevent anything else from happening for the rest of the game. Unfortunately, it worked. How interesting was it to watch?

How long until halftime?

And today, thanks to the 2011 Kansas City Chiefs, those Dolphins and their unique place in history is safe for another year.

Which is boring. And now, to continue today's theme of mixed feelings and cognitive dissonance, I'm going to get focused on the afternoon contest: The New England Patriots, a team I have despised for the last decade, taking on the Denver Broncos and Tim Tebow, whom I have loathed since the first time I heard his stupid name.

Ah, Those Children's Classics

2011-12-14T16:59:00.000-08:00

It appears that the anti-vaccination crowd has branched out into a new medium to get their message across; the horrible dangers of disease-preventing vaccines, and the joys of "embracing childhood diseases," will now be communicated early and effectively to children with the publication of Melanie's Marvellous Measles, a groundbreaking new book sure to become a classic piece of literature for the young.
Because diseases are natural, and nature is good and perfect, and Big Pharma or whoever don't want you to know that, and vaccines cause autism and communism and bagism and ismism and whatnot, it has become necessary to counter the lies and subvert the dominant paradigm as early in our children's lives as possible. Only through books such as this can we ~~immunize~~ defend our children against the daily deluge of propaganda from the Medical Community. Hey, it's all about keeping them safe, right? Safe from...doctors and stuff.
Shown here is an apparently real ad for an apparently real book for children, with Melanie taking off on the wonderful adventure known as the measles.
This is an adventure that I have been on myself, having had the measles sometime, as near as I can figure, in 1963 or 1964. The memories are somewhat vague, but I'm pretty sure it didn't involve running through fields of pretty flowers while waving my arms around. Perhaps this book would have been useful then; maybe I just didn't take the right approach. Although I do think I could make a good argument that I embraced my childhood disease, if by "embracing childhood disease" you mean "picking at the little red pustules covering my body."
This might not be the best subject for humor, what with measles being a potentially crippling and even fatal disease, but I just can't help myself.
Without further ado, here are some other potential new children's classics, re-done with an eye toward singing the sweet joys of childhood illness.

Bible Verses For Tim Tebow: Ezekiel 13:18-20

2011-12-06T17:34:00.000-08:00

Since I last wrote about him, Tim Tebow has risen from his position as third-string quarterback to successful starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos, having engineered five straight victories to pull his team into a tie for first place in its division. He has pulled off several "miraculous" finishes, bringing his team from behind to win, in the process setting the NFL basically on fire and even leading some writers to question their atheism. Tim, of course, is a devout evangelical Christian; in college, he wrote the names and numbers of bible verses on the eye-black tape he wore during games. This is not allowed in the NFL, a fact which, as we shall see, is merely one of the affronts to his faith that the league forces Tim to bear in order to play football.

Tim and his fellow Christians may wonder at my choice of verses, but I believe that such a rich source of utter nonsense should be mined with an eye to the truly weird, of which there is plenty in the well-known chapters, but there is ever more esoteric weirdness the deeper you dig. This week I have chosen a selection from Ezekiel, chapter 13, where God has denounced and is threatening those who "prophecy out of their own minds."

The King James version:

18 And say, Thus saith the Lord GOD; woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes, and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature to hunt souls! Will ye hunt the souls of my people, and will ye save the souls alive that come unto you?

19 And will ye pollute me among my people for handfuls of barley and for pieces of bread, to slay the souls that should not die, and to save the souls alive that should not live, by your lying to my people that hear your lies?

20 Wherefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I am against your pillows, wherewith ye there hunt the souls to make them fly, and I will tear them from your arms, and will let the souls go, even the souls that ye hunt to make them fly."

Now this concerns me immediately; Tim, in all the games he plays in, is clearly wearing shoulder pads, probably sewn together by poor women in a third-world country. And while Tim might not "prophecy out of his own mind," he does give instructions to his teammates based on radio signals heard inside his helmet. And since the NFL mandates the wearing of shoulder pads, as well as radio-equipped helmets, this is clearly another case of the league suppressing Tim's faith.

And let's not forget that he was drafted and forced to play in Denver, the mile-high city, perilously close to God's domain as was the Tower of Babel.

But wait--maybe there's a Biblical solution!

We are fortunate that God's chosen punishment for building a tower too high was to scatter the tongues of men into a multitude of mutually unintelligible languages. This, of course, allows us to consult multiple subjective translations of God's Holy Word when we need guidance, which gives us the wiggle room often required to justify our actions before Him. So let's try the Revised Standard Version of the same verses:

18 and say, Thus says the Lord GOD; Woe to the women who sew magic bands upon all wrists, and make veils for the heads of persons of every stature, in the hunt for souls! Will you hunt down souls belonging to my people, and keep other souls alive for your profit?

19 You have profaned me among my people for handfuls of barley and for pieces of bread, putting to death persons who should not die and keeping alive persons who should not live, by your lies to my people, who listen to lies.

20 Wherefore thus says the Lord GOD: behold, I am against your magic bands with which you hunt the souls, and I will tear them from your arms, and I will let the souls that you hunt go free like birds.

Oh...oh no...magic wristbands?

I will predict, here and now, that unless Tim stops wearing the special wristband that tells him which play to call in the huddle, the Broncos, while they may make the playoffs, will never get past the Baltimore Ravens.

And lastly, a bit of football talk to answer a couple of potential questions: 1) Is Timmy actually working miracles these days? And 2) was I wrong about Tim Tebow?

Answers: 1)No, and 2) no. Tim Tebow played quarterback for four years at the University of Florida, which competes in the Southeastern Conference (widely acknowledged as the best conference in the nation), won two national championships and a Heisman trophy. One professional team thought he was worth a first-round pick, and others saw him as a potential starting quarterback. It's really not a stretch, the idea that he might be successful in the NFL.

Those who thought he wouldn't be successful were almost entirely concerned with the way he throws a football; he has a long, loopy windup that takes an extra fraction of a second to get the ball in the air. That extra fraction of a second to react is important to defensive players at the level of professional football. It can, however, be compensated for, and doesn't matter much at all when your receivers are as wide open as Tim's guys were last Sunday in Minnesota. And when your defense is playing as well as Denver's is, you get multiple chances to make that big play/put together that great drive to win the game.

And he does compete. He will keep coming after it, and if, as one sports talk radio host said, you dangle victory out in front of him like a carrot long enough, he's going to grab it.

It's not magic, people. It's football. And Tim Tebow is a football player. If the balls he throws start growing little wings and shit in the air, and they show up on instant replay, I'll stand corrected. In the meantime, I'm willing to give him some credit for his football skill. As for spreading a religion that teaches children that people like me burn in hell for eternity, and that we deserve this for failing to believe an uncorroborated story about a guy who did impossible stuff 2000 years ago, not so much.

Cain Searches Soul, Doesn't Find Any Presidents

2011-12-04T15:06:00.000-08:00

The field of Republican candidates for President thinned slightly, and whitened considerably this week with the suspension of Herman Cain's campaign.

The former Godfather's Pizza CEO, fighting accusations of sexual harassment and the fallout from recent revelations of a 13-year extramarital affair, announced Friday that he would not be continuing his run for the presidency.

“Today with a lot of prayer and soul searching I am suspending my presidential campaign,” said Cain at an event in Altanta, Georgia. “I’m doing this because of the continued hurt caused on me and my family, not because we are not fighters, not because I’m not a fighter.”

Cain also said that he was proof that a "common man could lead this nation."

How exactly a millionaire suspending his first political campaign before receiving even a single vote could prove such a thing was left as an exercise for the student.

Cain thus wins the coveted Gary Hart trophy, awarded each election cycle to the first candidate to crash his campaign car due to a sex scandal. And, like Hart in 1988, Cain may well be leaving the door open to re-enter the race later; as he said, the campaign has only been "suspended." (Hart, driven from the Democratic race in 1988 after his affair with Donna Rice was documented in photographs, later re-entered, insisting on "letting the voters decide." Voters proceeded to point out that he had forgotten his pants.)

The chief beneficiary of Cain's "suspension" is expected to be former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who has effectively defused his own infidelity issues by prudently divorcing all the wives that he cheated on. That strategy appears to be serving him well in Iowa, where the first delegates will be chosen in a caucus in January. A recent poll in the Des Moines Register showed Gingrich with a clear lead in the state at 25%, followed by Ron Paul at 18% and Mitt Romney at 16%.

With the Cain campaign circling the drain for the past two weeks, Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota staked her claim to the eight percent of Iowa voters who had previously supported him. This includes the coveted Barkingly Ignorant of History demographic that Cain had laid claim to with his lack of knowledge regarding China's nuclear capabilities (the Chinese tested their first warhead in 1964).

Bachmann told a crowd in Iowa on Wednesday that if she were president, "We wouldn't have an embassy in Iran."

The United States has not maintained an embassy in Iran since April of 1980, when it ended diplomatic relations during a hostage crisis that began with American embassy personnel being taken prisoner by Iranian student revolutionaries in November of 1979.

To be fair, forgettable images like this stopped dominating the news after the first year or so.

Stay tuned.

Other Decision 2012 Articles

Ignorance, Scandal Boost Cain Candidacy

Palin Cites Lack Of Focus, Voices In Head; Won't Run In 2012

Republican Cupboard Is Rather Bare

Meet The Candidates!

Perry Train Pulls Out With a Jerk

Godwin Mit Uns

2011-11-18T22:37:00.000-08:00

From Wikipedia:

Godwin's law (also known as Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies or Godwin's Law of Nazi Analogies) is a humorous observation made by Mike Godwin in 1990 that has become an Internet adage. It states: "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1."

And when the Nazi card does get played, as it is played early and often against atheists, "evolutionists" and "Darwinists," my reaction is usually something like: This needs music. If you are going to parade the Nazis in front of me, let's give them something to dance to.

For a damn fine takedown of the idea, often claimed by religious yo-yos of all stripes, that Hitler and his Nazi buddies were atheists or "Darwinists" or supported the concept of common descent, go here.
I did have one tiny disagreement with the author, however; my understanding is that while Mein Kampf sold enough copies to make Hitler fairly wealthy, and was often given as a wedding or graduation present, no one actually read the damn thing. Not even the most devout Nazis could get through that turgid pile of crap. Hell, I own a copy, and I've certainly never read it; not all the way through, anyway, or anything even close to it. I sometimes check citations I run across reading online, but I am not likely to hazard an actual reading of the thing. It really is quite unreadable, and for so many reasons.

They Also Ran Good: Gerald Ford

2011-11-16T22:20:00.000-08:00

Welcome to part six of They Also Ran Good, a series dedicated to those who tried, and failed, to win the Presidency of the United States. Alert readers may note that Gerald R. Ford was, in fact, the 38th President; readers who maintained that alertness in history class will note that Ford never won a national election. His one attempt to do so, an attempt at being elected in his own right in 1976, resulted in a close defeat at the hands of one Jimmy Carter.
As always, this post will be (mostly) full of real historical information. Only the jokes are made-up shit. You should be able to tell the difference. If you can't, I recommend taking one monkey wrench to the temple and trying again in the morning.

Gerald R. Ford was born in Omaha, Nebraska, on July 14, 1913. Interestingly, his name at birth was not Gerald Ford, but Leslie Lynch King, Jr. His mother, Dorothy Ayer Gardner, separated from his father (Leslie Sr.) when the future president was only 16 days old; three years later, she married Gerald Rudolff Ford, Sr. At that point, young Leslie became Gerald Rudolff Ford, Jr., but since he was never actually adopted by Ford Senior, the name never became official until 1935, when he legally changed it (and simplified the spelling of the middle name). Somehow, his birth certificate never became an issue in any of his subsequent campaigns. One possible explanation for this is that Ford's career took place in a kinder, gentler era of American politics; it is also reasonable to conjecture that Ford was not a black guy with a funny, foreign sounding name. Both theories have merit.

Early Careers: Navy, Congress, CIA Stooge
Like his predecessors in the White House, John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon, Ford served in the Navy during World War II and entered politics shortly after the conflict ended. His naval service was notable for two distinctions: serving as a lieutenant aboard a ship in Admiral Halsey's Pacific fleet, and (in an event that eerily presaged his presidency) almost falling off his boat. From Wikipedia:

During the storm, Ford narrowly avoided becoming a casualty himself. As he was going to his battle station on the bridge of the ship in the early morning of December 18, the ship rolled twenty-five degrees, which caused Ford to lose his footing and slide toward the edge of the deck. The two-inch steel ridge around the edge of the carrier slowed him enough so he could roll, and he twisted into the catwalk below the deck. As he later stated, "I was lucky; I could have easily gone overboard."

Ford was elected to congress in 1948 and served there until he became Vice-President (more on that below) in 1973. He was popular and well-respected, being elected as House Minority Leader in 1965. This followed his service on the Warren Commission in 1964, a group convened to investigate the assassination of John F. Kennedy and allay suspicions that a conspiracy was involved in his murder

And we know what a roaring success that was.

Okay, it's probable that Gerald R. Ford was not, in fact, a C.I.A. stooge. I'm just saying the theory is out there.

Pardon Me, But Would You Like To Be Vice-President?

On October 10, 1973, Vice-President Spiro T. Agnew resigned his office. This was a result of a plea bargain with the Justice Department; after being investigated for a kickback scandal that occurred while he was a state official in and governor of the state of Maryland, Agnew cut the best deal he could and quit his office while pleading nolo contendre to charges of tax evasion. It is a measure of the man's mark on history that my spell check doesn't recognize his fucking name.

Under the new 25th amendment, Congress held the power to accept or reject Richard Nixon's appointment to the post. Nixon, already by this time swimming deep in the Watergate cesspool in which he was to eventually drown, was in no position to dictate to Congress on any matter; House Republicans drew up a recommendation, and Nixon yielded. In any case, Jerry Ford fit the bill perfectly for Nixon: acceptable to Congress, yet not so attractive as a potential president to make Nixon's impeachment more palatable. No one really saw him as Nixon's successor; he was simply too ordinary, too boring. And no one, at that point, really thought Nixon would be driven from the White House before his time was up.

On December 6, 1973, Gerald Ford was sworn in as the 40th Vice-President of the United States. And nine months later, on August 9, 1974, he became the 38th president when Nixon resigned. Without ever running on a national ticket, without ever receiving a vote outside his Grand Rapids, Michigan congressional district, Gerald Ford became president, largely through the actions of Richard Nixon.

Coincidentally, one of Ford's first actions as president was to issue a full and unconditional pardon to Richard Nixon, forever shielding him from the legal consequences of any criminal action taken while he was in the White House. Understandably, this raised accusations of a secret deal between the two men, Ford gaining the presidency in exchange for a promise to pardon Nixon, but Ford not only denied it, he took the unprecedented step of testifying before the House Judiciary Committee. No proof of a deal has ever turned up, and the wildly paranoid Nixon probably would have filmed the agreement had there been one.

"Here's the part where you say it was for the good of the nation."

Ford As President: A Short, Strange Trip

Ford's well-deserved reputation for candor and honesty made him a popular president and a breath of fresh air to many after the darkness and secrecy of the previous administration. For roughly three weeks.

The pardon was the first chink in the armor, raising questions about his integrity; Ford also had the misfortune to be taking office during a time of economic struggles which were largely beyond the control of the president. He did, however, seem to have one great gift: he hit his head on stuff a lot.

And he tripped over stuff. And hit people with golf balls when he teed off. All in all, not exactly the picture of dignity people wanted in their Commander-in-Chief.

At least he didn't get swine flu. Then again, neither did anybody else.

In short order, Gerald Ford, former college athlete, navy veteran, sportsman, became known as a bumbler--a well-meaning doofus, clumsy and prone to embarrassing himself. Nice guy, just played too much football without a helmet way back when. And while it can be endearing to many, becoming fodder for comedians around the country is not a good career move for a politician.

"Whoa, almost fell over."

See how easy that was?

Thus it was no surprise that Ford received a challenge for the Republican nomination when it came time to fire up the 1976 campaign. His image as a bumbler, as well as his relatively liberal viewpoints, made him a target of the right wing of his party, whose champion, Ronald Reagan, was able to win several primaries against the incumbent president.

In the end, however, Ford simply controlled too much of the party organization and campaign "machinery" from his seat in the Oval Office, and in those days, that still mattered. And Reagan, being Reagan, was running around the country with at least one foot in his mouth at all times, routinely making up stupid shit and believing it. And, remarkably, that also mattered in those days.
But Ford, nomination in hand, still needed to placate the conservative wing of his party--and, with that in mind, he announced that his running mate would not be his current vice-president, Nelson Rockefeller, but Senator Bob Dole from Kansas.

Yes. That Bob Dole.

And with that ~~erection~~ selection in place, the 1976 campaign was on.

General Election: Jimmy Carter, Playboy, And The Accidental Liberation Of Eastern Europe

James Earl Carter, Jr., was an obscure one-term governor from Georgia, who, once out of office, was able to devote full-time to the pursuit of the presidency for at least two years. Campaigning tirelessly, he worked the small states of Iowa and New Hampshire for months, flying under the media's radar but building a strong foundation. In early 1976, those efforts came to fruition and his success led to increasing media coverage, financial support, and the aura of a "winner." Coming off refreshingly open and honest after more than a decade of presidents who often used their power in a vengeful fashion, Carter became known as a man of integrity, a caring and devout man who could be trusted above all else. He promised never to lie to the American people; when questioned about any policy matter, he would openly and honestly mumble something vague about cutting wasteful spending.

And it worked. Well, it worked well enough and long enough for Carter to clinch the nomination well before the Democratic National Convention; in the last few weeks, it seemed that voters were catching on to his act, and Jerry Brown kicked his ass all over the country in the last batch of primaries. But it was too late to stop him.

Carter chose Walter Mondale as his running mate.

Now you should understand that, despite misgivings about the vagueness of his plans for America, this election was Jimmy Carter's to lose, at least at the outset of the fall campaign. Severe distaste with Richard Nixon and the Republican party seemingly guaranteed a Democratic victory in 1976, and the man who pardoned Nixon of any and all crimes committed against the American people while president was beginning the race already hobbled. Couple that with Ford's image as a clumsy oaf, it seemed to spell doom for the Republican campaign. Carter left his convention and went home to Plains, Georgia, with polls showing him winning with as much as 61% of the vote.

What we didn't know at the time, however, and what we learned in 1976 and again in 1980, was that Jimmy Carter had a positive gift for jumping out to huge leads in the polls only to piss away his advantage and end up hanging on for dear life. (It worked three times out of four; in the 1976 primaries, the 1976 general, and the 1980 primaries. Only when he faced Reagan in 1980 did a late collapse actually cost him the election.)

Jimmy's first big move in this campaign seemed, on the face of it, like a good idea; he would grant an exclusive interview to a major magazine in which he finally revealed himself and his ideas to the public and thus remove the "enigma" label and the reputation for vague, insubstantial promises. The sometime Southern Baptist Sunday school teacher would open up on a range of topics, allowing voters to get a clear, unobstructed, everything-on-display, laid-bare kind of picture of the man. And this is the magazine issue in which the interview appeared:

So first Carter took a raft of shit for simply allowing himself to be interviewed for Playboy; really, the mere fact that he allowed himself to actually be quoted in a magazine that also contained photographs of nude women was a major issue for a time in 1976. There was such controversy that it took another two weeks for anybody to actually take issue with the things he actually said.

And even then, it was his remarks about sex, and sexual mores, that got all the attention. Why, he actually uses the word "screwing" when he talks about it! And "shacking up!" Now, Jimmy's whole point was that he didn't believe it was up to him to judge people who shacked up and screwed, and that he, as a good Christian, believed that when he looked upon a woman with lust he was, as Jesus taught, "committing adultery in my heart." He admitted that he had committed this particular thoughtcrime, and Americans were actually shocked.

Hilariously, this subject even came up during the vice-presidential debates between Bob Dole and Walter Mondale; at one point, Dole made the sort of witty, cutting remark that he was known for and accused Carter of making a play for the "bunny vote." Referring, of course, to the famous Playboy Bunnies. The "bunny vote." Yes, that Bob Dole.

Later, Carter had to go down to Texas and defend the remarks he made in the interview about former President, and Texan, Lyndon B. Johnson. In the interview, Carter accuses Johnson of being a liar and a cheater, and having lied to the American people repeatedly about the Vietnam war, among other things. This didn't go down well in that important state, and he attempted to backtrack and praise Johnson; unfortunately, damage was done, as far too many people, this writer included, had already purchased the magazine. For the interview, obviously.

And even with the lengthy interview, Carter still hadn't revealed any actual plans for his government; specific policy seemed to be beyond his ability to formulate until he was actually president. He didn't want to box himself in prematurely, he seemed to say.

And Gerald Ford was always a fighter on the campaign trail; a veteran of 12 House of Representatives elections, he was used to the storm and stress, the push and the shove, and the thrust-and-parry of the modern political process. Really, he was like a skilled, battle-hardened boxer, not afraid to get hit in the chin once or twice. Or, alternately, a football player who wasn't afraid to take the field without a helmet.

So when the two took to their respective podiums for their second debate on October 7, things were tightening up. And then Gerald R. Ford, attempting (he later claimed) to say something inspirational about the indomitable spirit of the Polish people then under the rule of the Soviet Union, managed to convince everyone that he had no idea of the political situation in Europe despite the advantage of, you know, being President and everything.

"There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe and there never will be under a Ford Administration."

"I do not believe that the Poles consider themselves dominated by the Soviet Union"

It seems difficult, in retrospect, to believe that our 38th president was unaware of Soviet domination in Eastern Europe, a situation that had influenced politics since the end of World War II. It is easy to imagine, in fact, that he meant the statement exactly as he later claimed he did, and it was only his image as a stumbling bumbler constantly hitting his head on airplane doorways and the like that caused everyone to assume he had said something stupid.

"Whoa, almost fell over."

Unfortunately, he had invented the modern gaffe, the thing that all modern politicians fear when they hit the big stage. Most of those politicians nowadays avoid this danger by not actually saying anything, lest they accidentally free Poland. But presidential debates were new again in 1976; none had been held since Nixon's disastrous debates vs. Kennedy in 1960. Candidates today know better how to prepare for these things, and how best to counter negative perceptions.

"Whoa, almost fell over."

Election Night

I had to stay up late for this one; I wasn't old enough to vote, but I was rather fascinated by the process and besides, this was the first election night in my memory that wouldn't end with Richard Nixon giving a fucking victory speech. So I stayed up, and watched....

It was close; so close that a shift of 25,000 votes in two states, Ohio and Wisconsin, would have swung the all-important electoral college vote to Ford. As it was, Carter won 50.1% of the popular vote and 297 electoral votes, while Ford totalled 48% and 240 electors.

Gerald Ford considered running again in 1980, but in the end, decided against it, much to the relief of his wife, Betty. So, yes: Ford is at least partially responsible for the fact that both Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan became president.

C.I.A. stooge? Conspiracy? You make the call.

Gerald R. Ford died and was buried with honors in 2006, having lived to be 93. All men should be so clumsy.

Eleven Eleven Eleven Eleven Eleven Eleven

2011-11-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

This is Eleven, a kitty cat who went pitty-pat from 1980-1993.
I still regard her as the greatest cat who ever lived, and this is her day.

5 Questions About Lord Of The Rings

2011-11-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

As much as I have enjoyed The Lord Of The Rings, both books and movies, over the years, I still find that I have unanswered questions regarding some of the scenes and even the central premise. There are just a few things that don't make sense.
Granted, there aren't nearly as many inconsistencies in the story as there are in some other epic tales I've read, like say The Holy Bible (that thing is a mess), but I still come away wondering about the following things:

1. What did Sauron want with the ring?

Yeah, I understand that Sauron forged the ring and poured all his evil power into it, but still, it's clear: in his last incarnation, the Dark Lord was nothing but a big flaming eye. An eye. What was he going to do with the ring, stick it in his eye?

2. Why did Sauron make a ring in the first place?

Okay, now imagine you are going to construct a powerful, magical item to wear in battle. You are going to pour your entire evil soul into this thing, and then wear it as you lead your evil minions into an epic war that will cover all the world. What sort of item do you make?
Do you make a little piece of jewelry, to be worn on an appendage? Seems vulnerable to amputation, doesn't it? Sticking out there just asking to be cut off every time you reach for something. Really, a ring?
No, the only sensible thing to make would be some sort of item that you could wear under your armor. Something that wouldn't come off easily. Something like, say, a pair of magic underwear.* That's what I would do, and I'm not even a thousand year-old sorcerer. How hard is this?

*Totally not a Mormon joke.

3. Did Theoden ever look at a map?

When Aragorn suggests to King Theoden of Rohan that perhaps he should call on the neighboring kingdom of Gondor to assist in fighting off the evil armies attacking his keep, Theoden scoffs at the idea and asks, "Where was Gondor when the Westfold fell? Where was Gondor when our enemies closed in around us? Where was Gondor..."
This guy is a king? A supposedly wise man? The answer should be obvious.
Gondor was in Gondor. Where the hell else would it be?

4. Is Elrond a dick or what?

Elrond, the Lord of the Elves, is supposed to be one of the three or four most learned and wise beings in the entirety of Middle Earth. And yet, he's either a freaking racist or just a total dick. Or both.
Again and again, he blames the race of Men (people; you know, us) for all the problems facing the world--the fact that Sauron still wields power is due to the failure of Isildur, who took the ring from the dark lord but refused to destroy it once and for all by casting it into the fires of Mt. Doom where it was made.
Yes, Isildur finds himself standing right there at the edge of the fire pit with the power to end all evil forever, but he chooses to keep the ring for himself. Yeah, that's bad.
But hey, that's just one guy. Why condemn all men? Why such disgust for an entire race over one guy's failure? Elrond never misses an opportunity to diss mankind for the next thousand years, making horrible sweeping statements, like "Men are weak." Men are weak. The world cannot put its trust in men, he insists, for "I was there when the strength of men failed."
Yes, Elrond, you were there when Isildur, and the "strength of men," failed. In fact, you were five feet away. What did you do? Yo, little help? How about a tackle, maybe, or even a little shove? Too much to ask?

5. Why didn't everybody just sail to the Undying Lands in the first place?

At the end of both the movie and the book, the Elves are boarding a ship bound for the "Undying Lands." They have made a special place aboard this ship for the two hobbits, Bilbo and Frodo, who carried the burden of bearing the Ring of Power for so many years. Happy ending for everybody!

Wait, what? There's a place called The Undying Lands that's accessible by ship? You can sail there? And not die?
Okay, maybe it's one of those "Greenland" things, where somebody just gave a place a nice, pleasant sounding name to encourage settlers or tourists or something. But isn't it at least worth building your own ship and doing a little exploring across the sea? To maybe find a place where nothing dies? I mean, the Elves seem to believe in it, and they're supposed to be wise and knowledgeable. They would know, right? So why not check it out?
Or is it just for Elves, and their invited guests? That would suck. But wait--would anybody just accept that? Would we all just go, "Oh, just for Elves? Oh, okay. Never mind then. I'll just crawl over here and die, if that's okay with you."
No. I don't think it would go down that way. As long as we're already geared up for warfare, what with Sauron and all, maybe...
I sense a war brewing over The Undying Lands. Maybe we'll just put that "undying" thing to the test, what do you think? How about we manifest us some destiny, what say? Move over Elrond, if that's your real name. I got your "men are weak" shit right here.

Ignorance, Scandal Boost Cain Candidacy

2011-11-05T15:25:00.000-07:00

With the Iowa caucus less than two months away, Republican presidential candidates continued to jockey for position this past week while a new leader emerged in the polls.

Herman Cain, former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, has moved into first place in a survey of the Republican contenders, now holding a slight lead over former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

Herman Cain 26%

Mitt Romney 23%

Newt Gingrich 14%

Rick Perry 8%

Ron Paul 7%

Michele Bachmann 2%

Jon Huntsman 2%

Rick Santorum 1%

Cain's gains came after a concerted effort to shore up support from the ignorant misogynist demographic within the Republican party, a key element that is expected to play a pivotal role this election season. While multiple accusations of sexual harassment dating from the 1990's remain unproven, Cain clearly established himself as one of the party's least knowledgeable candidates when it comes to international affairs with the following statement about China:

And secondly, we already have superiority in terms of our military capability, and I plan to get away from making cutting our defense a priority and make investing in our military capability a priority, going back to my statement: peace through strength and clarity. So yes they’re a military threat. They’ve indicated that they’re trying to develop nuclear capability and they want to develop more aircraft carriers like we have. So yes, we have to consider them a military threat.

Although he has received some criticism from opponents and liberal pundits, some quick fact-checking reveals the accuracy of the statement. China has indeed indicated on numerous occasions its desire to develop nuclear capability, beginning with its first successful test of a nuclear weapon in October of 1964. Cain's elimination of China's nuclear stockpile with a single statement is possibly the most effective use of political rhetoric since Gerald Ford freed Poland from Soviet domination during a debate in 1976.

Cain also scored with those most concerned about national security, a group that can usually be assumed to support prioritizing military spending during critical times of military superiority.

Romney continues to tread water with 23% of the survey's respondents indicating support, with Newt Gingrich now a distant third at 14%.

Most interestingly, Texas governor Rick Perry continued his free-fall in the polls, and now is receiving the support of a mere eight per cent of those who indicated a preference. He has fallen from 23% in September of this year to 12% last month to his current share, indicating the loss of nearly two-thirds of his support in roughly six weeks. He remains unshaken, however; the battle-hardened campaigner showed his confidence and poise this week by showing up drunk for a speech:

His slide in the polls must be worrying to campaign insiders, but it's heartening to see the candidate himself taking it so well.

Libertarian Ron Paul was fifth with seven per cent.

Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann, one of four Republican candidates exclusively endorsed by God, is currently pulling 2% in the polls amidst reports of abandonment by key consultants, while Rick Santorum nailed down the title of "Senator Irrelevant" with a showing of one per cent. Former Utah governor Jon Huntsman, who had the temerity to accuse his climate change-denying, evolution non-believing opponents of being "anti-science," also pulled two per cent in the survey.

The contest kicks off for real on January 3, when the Iowa caucus will be held. This caucus marks the first public delegate selection and has historically resulted in increased media coverage, campaign contributions and heightened credibility for the winner despite the fact that candidates often outnumber the voters.

The first actual primary in scheduled for New Hampshire on Jan. 10, while the biggest delegate prize is up for grabs on March 6 on what has come to be called "Super Tuesday," a combination of seven primaries and three caucuses on the same day. Most of these contests are in southern states, lumped together in an effort by those states to increase their influence on American elections between attempts to secede from the union.