Killed By Fish

Money For Nothing, Chicks For Free, And All The Tobacco You Need Is Just Lying In The Street

2013-04-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

Poverty, as they say, is a great way to learn the difference between a habit and an addiction.

Okay, they don't say that, I did, but I'm pretty much one of them, so I'll occasionally speak for us (they).

And I think they (I) speak the truth. For instance, did you know that cigarettes are addictive? You find this out when you're poor and have a 30 year habit to support, all the while the state is trying to tax your habit out of existence. What to do? Well, it turns out that there are cheaper solutions, and at least one essentially free way to keep Mr. Jones at bay.

Smokers: did you know that all tobacco you need is lying in the streets, in gutters, in parking lots, in driveways? Just sitting there, waiting to be gathered in? This world has only produced one smoker who ever learned how to dispose of his butts somewhere other than at his own feet, and that's me, and I don't live in your town, most likely.

But everywhere else you look, people have tossed their cigarette butts, with numerous puffs of the good stuff still remaining, in the street, the parking lot, and anywhere else relatively horizontal. And really, twenty minutes of work can easily net you a stash that would fetch a good three or four dollars at the tobacconists, were there still tobacconists. So what are you waiting for? That tobacco is rightfully yours.

There are, however, a few pitfalls to this method, and you'll want to be aware of them before you set out on your quest.

1. I'm sure I hardly need mention the most obvious danger in scrounging the streets for tobacco, so well known is it for the horrors it has inflicted upon generations of smokers: that dreaded scourge known as menthol.

This noxious substance is added to many cigarettes, and often with a butt found in the gutter, there may be no way to tell it apart from those not so laced. One way is to examine the filter and the end of the butt for the presence of the color green, often used for the brand lettering on these abominations, and, for fancier cigarettes, a colored band where butt joins filter. If this color, or the color of the lettering is green, beware--you may have a menthol dreg. And if anything in this world is lower than a dreg, it's a menthol dreg.

So be on the lookout for anything green, and test any suspicious tobacco in a pipe or bong before rolling an entire cigarette out of it. So you don't forget, just repeat this simple rule to yourself a hundred times or so: GREEN: BAD.

What to do if you find yourself smoking your second gen ciggy and it tastes like mouthwash? Well, my advice is this: power down and finish that sucker. It's still reasonably effective as a nicotine delivery system, you probably can't reuse the rolling paper, and let's face it: one menthol cigarette does not reflect on your manhood, your character, or anything else of importance. It's only a preference for menthol that makes you a douchebag.

2. Never, ever put anything in your mouth that you've picked up off the street; this goes double for cigarettes, as they are known for a fact to have been in someone else's mouth at some point, and you know that's a much more germ and vermin infested environment than any street could ever be. And while, as they say, "you don't know whose mouth that's been in," you actually know everything you need to know: it has been in the mouth of a smoker. And remember: in today's world, only people like you still smoke cigarettes.

You want to roll them into new cigarettes, or use a pipe. Or a bong. Or, I don't know, an orange. Anything. Unwrap the leafy stuff, throw away the filters, and wash your hands. Get rid of nasty germs once and for all, leaving only the harmless tobacco.

3. Yes, people will see you doing this. And they will know. You can pretend to be picking at your foot all you want, but it is what it is. And no, they will not fall for any "I'm picking up litter" pretense you may try to pull off; to be believable at a glance, this would require at least a prison jumpsuit, and wearing this alone on the street creates its own issues.

So just do it. Who cares? Hell, they probably think you're scum for smoking already. They're the people who look at you like you're Hitler every time you light up! Probably. And fuck that shit. You need cigarettes!

YES!

4. There will be obvious places where cigarette butts are tossed on a daily basis. These are the dependable sources of clean, fresh butts, where regular smokers work and must do their smoking outside. You should avoid these places. Why? Because others with the same idea as you will be there, waiting like hawks. Hawks that smoke cigarettes. Intimidating, right? Not only does this become a competitive smoking situation, something to be avoided, but you will have the uncomfortable experience of seeing others like yourself, doing what you are doing. In other words, you will see how you are. And, possibly even worse, you will see how you used to be. Those gainfully employed workers, smoking fresh, virgin cigarettes they paid for with their hard-earned money? That was you, maybe, once upon a time. As much as you might want to claim their dregs, it is not healthy for you to see exactly how far you've fallen, to have it so quantified and laid out in an easy to read bar graph. Also, as I'm sure you'll remember, some of those workers are douchebags.

Addendum: Wow, turns out that caffeine is addictive, too. And there's none to be found lying in the streets. I mean, who knew, right? Who would have thought that ingesting a stimulant multiple times a day for 30 years would create some sort of dependence? Damn. This world is a freaking minefield. Well, you live and learn, I guess.

Still Raining, Still Dreaming

2013-03-19T14:33:00.001-07:00

On the slim chance that I have any readers left here after six months of inactivity, I want to update those happy few on my current condition.

When last I posted here, I informed the world that I was having a physical issue known as sciatica, which is caused by a nerve in my lower back being impinged and which resulted in my right leg going haywire.

The (mostly) good news is that, all these months later, the pain has receded enough that painkillers are not required most days, I can walk a bit, and can ride my bike a dozen or so miles in a day without paying too steep a price.

The bad news is that I need to get back to work, and I need to do it soon. Unless my readership here jumps a few thousandfold in the next week or so.

But I must say, this whole experience hasn't been without its bits of entertainment. For some reason, ever since I went down with this condition back in September, I have been dreaming and remembering dreams at a furious rate unprecedented in my life. In those six months I have remembered (and jotted down notes on) roughly three dozen dreams. There was a plane crash, several encounters with zombies, and at least a couple of childhood friends who turned up.

So I thought I would share a few here. And yes, I know other people's dreams are boring, so I'll limit it to my five favorites, the ones that really made me sit up and wonder "where the hell did that come from?"

The Sciatica Dreams

5. Is My Safety Off?
Okay, I'll admit it--I've been watching way too much Walking Dead since I got laid up. Zombies have turned up to threaten me and friends/family members on several occasions. And, at least this once, a character from the TV show was included.

Zombies were coming at me. I had a handgun, which is a device I have never used in my life. My first concern was that I had not left the safety on, which many years of TV viewing has led me to understand prevents the gun from firing. I clicked a little switch on the thing, and noticed that a little red dot appeared.

I then asked Rick Grimes, character from The Walking Dead TV show, if that indeed meant that the safety was off. "The red dot means it will fire, right? That's what you told Andrea."

Apparently I was correct in this, because I then raised the gun, squeezed the trigger, and blew a zombie's head off. Success!

At this point, a former co-worker (whom I haven't spoken with in five years) congratulated me for "shooting a zombie in the face."

4. Why Can't I Walk Underwater Like Everyone Else?

In this one, myself and as many as a few hundred other people were heading out to watch some sort of display being put on over Coos Bay, in Oregon (the bay, not the town). And to get there, we needed to across a stretch of water.

For some reason, everybody but me had the ability to walk underwater, quickly, easily, and without needing to breathe. I did not possess this ability, forcing me to try to swim. This is something I'm not good at. As I flailed around in the water, my right foot began to cramp up, making things really dicey.

Yes, that's the foot/leg that has had the problems in the real world. Sometimes, my dreams try to explain real things to me. Unfortunately, my dreams know nothing of Occam's Razor.

3. Wait, I Thought The War Was Over

This dream consisted entirely of running around my old neighborhood in Coos Bay, attempting to find a place to hide from the Japanese soldiers that had invaded the west coast and wanted to kill me, what with me being a dangerous subversive intellectual and all.

I started out hiding in a hedge, but another person was living in it, and went in and out of it so many times that my covering vegetation was getting thin. I also looked at a concrete shed, but someone was already hiding inside, and it had too many openings that required only a flashlight to see into.

It ended after I ran into the neighbor's back yard, failing to find a good hiding place.

I blame the remake of Red Dawn for putting this in my head. Yeah, maybe it wasn't really responsible, but I'm doing it anyway. Ideas like that movie deserve all the criticism they get.

2. Do Not Mess With Me In Dreams, Especially When I've Just Done Something Vaguely Heroic

This dream began inside a building, one I had no familiarity with. I heard someone outside yell "emergency!" and ran out a door. The first thing I saw was a helium balloon beginning to float away. I jumped and grabbed it, only to begin floating away with it.

Then, some quick-thinking person shot the balloon, and I fell back to the ground, landing on my feet. I thanked the shooter for landing me in the grass.

The next thing I know, I'm back inside the building, and I see at the other end of the table the curly-haired guy from the show Bones. Hodgins, I believe his name is. He is pulling something out of a backpack; my first thought is he's going for a weapon, but no, he pulls out a ping pong paddle and serves the ball to me. Of course I have nothing to return that serve with.

So I turn around and look for something to play with, and a find a little tiny guitar, about six inches long. I pick up the ball and serve to Hodgins, acing the little bastard.

Hodgins then goes to his backpack again, only this time he pulls out...a chainsaw.

I say "are you serious?" and I run over and knock the chainsaw away. I pin the little jerk to the wall and suggest we have this fight straight up.

Do not mess with me in my dreams.

Then, Hodgins and someone else I can't identify are talking to me, and their voices echo strangely, like they do in movies and TV when people are going crazy. Everything takes on a purplish, underwater hue and the voices are echoing around me.

I realize, though, that it's just the two guys trying to convince me that I'm crazy by somehow altering their voices. With this realization, I wake up.

Fucker's lucky I woke up before kicking his ass again.

1. I Can't Be Dreaming, The Ground Is Solid and Everything

This one happened early on in my convalescence. I was walking down a street in Coos Bay, looking for somewhere to buy cigarettes. I'm walking along, having to problem with my leg--but the knowledge that my leg was actually messed up was with me in the dream. So it occured to me that I might, in fact, be dreaming.
I sat down on the ground and felt the grass beneath me. "Well, it feels real," I say, and I get up to continue walking.

At that point I notice that I'm carrying a big bag of nails. For no reason.

Some time later, I'm still walking but no longer carrying the nails. Instead, I'm carrying my shoes. Since this makes no sense, walking barefoot here, I stop and put my shoes on.

And for some reason, my left foot still feels bare. Even though I can see it has a shoe on it.

I assume that was the foot sticking out from under the covers. As I said, my dreams try to explain things to me.

I never did get any cigarettes.

As for my least favorite dreams during this time, there is really only one candidate: I dreamed that my favorite football team, the Kansas City Chiefs, went 2-14 this last season, never even holding a lead during the first nine games (that hasn't been done since the 1920's), and, to top it off, one of their players shot his girlfriend in front of his mother, drove to the stadium parking lot, and committed suicide.

That was my worst dream. Wait, what? That really happened?

Ladies and gentlemen, YOUR 2012 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS.

Well, it felt like a dream. And I'm sure, with a little help, that I can find a way to cope with this knowledge.

The official 2012 Kansas City Chiefs crack pipe.

And I must sign out again, for now. I promise, really and for true, not to wait another six months before I post again.

Rumors Of My Demise Have Been Mildly Exaggerated

2012-10-17T19:34:00.002-07:00

It's been nearly a month since I've posted here, which I'm given to understand can lead people to think maybe the blog is dead and no longer worth checking up on.

This blog is not dead.

I've been dealing with a physical problem known as sciatica for the last three weeks; it's a condition that involves irritation of a nerve running from the lower back down into one of the legs. If the irritation is severe, it can result in that leg going completely gunnybag, often involving cramping, spasms, and serious pain.

So I haven't been blogging. Pain: not funny.

But I'm getting better (albeit very slowly), and I wouldn't want anyone to think I've abandoned my baby.

So here, just for continuity's sake, is a funny picture of Mitt Romney.

"First, you get the sugar. Then you get the power. Then, you get the binders full of women."

How To Draw Jesus

2012-09-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've seen by now the unauthorized restoration job performed on a priceless Jesus fresco by an 81-year old Spanish woman, who after becoming distressed at the deterioration of the 19th century painting applied her own brushwork in an attempt to fix it. I found this to be both funny and sad; funny, obviously, because the resulting image is inherently hilarious, and sad because not only did she mostly ruin a valuable old work of art, there's something about laughing at the ineptitude of old people that I find distasteful.

That is, until I saw in the news recently that the woman is currently suing the church to get a cut of the increased donations to that church that resulted. Really, I was worried that she'd feel bad that she did such damage to her place of worship. She needn't worry about that, as her restoration has increased traffic to the church and brought in a fair amount of money for the institution.

But then to sue? Hell, if she needs the money that bad, there are other ways. Perhaps she or some enterprising patron could commission a set of unfinished copies of some classic paintings, and she could then set about finishing them in her inimitable style. Sell them, charge people to view them, sell prints and maybe even produce a nice coffee table book that we all can enjoy. Who wouldn't enjoy her takes on the great paintings in history?

And someone should really get her working on Gilbert Stuart's great masterpiece depicting first American president George Washington; as it stands, it is unfinished.

I would be proud to hang any of these on my wall.

So I Heard This Funny Joke

2012-09-20T15:04:00.001-07:00

I can't take credit for this one, but it's too good not to share. And, to get technical, I didn't hear it but rather saw it on Teh Internetz.

Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
A: One is a flaming Nazi gasbag; the other is a magnificent German airship.

For direct comparison:

That's Limbaugh in the top photo, positively radiating intelligence as always.

Romney Pledges "Return To Normaldom"

2012-09-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

With most national polls continuing to show President Obama leading Republican nominee Mitt Romney in the race for the White House, and having extended his lead since the national conventions ended, the Romney campaign has begun to focus on statements designed to make the candidate seem more "presidential."

In a recent speech to a group of supporters in Fairfax, Virginia, Romney pledged that under his administration America would see a "return to normaldom," a phrase eerily reminiscent of Warren G. Harding's "return to normalcy" statement in 1920 that established a president's power to make up new words.

Other phrases also echoed the statements of past American presidents.

"Ask not what your country can do for you," said Romney to a cheering throng of roughly 3000 people, "but rather ask your parents to loan you money to start a business. Times are tough, but remember: the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and maybe being strapped to the roof of a car for a long road trip."

"I cannot tell a lie. I sold that cherry tree,
along with the rest of the farm's assets."

Romney paused to soak in the applause, then added: "Our long national nightmare is coffee."

The candidate also sought to defuse criticism of his business practices while CEO of Bain Capital, as well as defending the seemingly low tax bill he has paid on his considerable income. "My fellow real Americans, let me make one thing perfectly clear: under the current financial sector regulations and tax laws, I am not a crook."

Romney concluded by displaying a small plaque that he promises will adorn his desk in the Oval Office should he be elected, a plaque which reads: "The buck stops here." The plaque currently resides in Romney's wallet.

Republicans Show Their Understanding Of The Democratic Process Again

2012-09-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

This adorable political ad has been showing up around the 'net recently:

(Chip Cravaack is an incumbent Republican congressman from Minnesota.)

Welcome to Republicanland, where a political party trying to garner enough seats in congress to establish a majority is seen as an attempt at a takeover. Loaded word much?

Yeah. Obviously the Democratic Party is a dark conspiracy, a bunch of like-minded individuals banding together to gain legal authority by...winning elections. Eleventy!!!!

Meanwhile, Republican primary runner-up Rick Santorum was recently seen and heard decrying the fact that smart people aren't on his side:

Understand that this is a wealthy white man with three degrees from public universities, including a law degree, who thinks our laws should be derived from the holy book of his religion, complaining about "elites" who want to tell you what to do. Of course this is vastly different from people like Santorum, who merely want to be elected to positions in government where they have the authority to make laws and shit.

These people are about a hop and a skip away from accusing their opponents of being practicing thespians who are sometimes guilty of exacerbation.

Wait, sorry--I forgot that understanding what words mean makes me "elitist." Yeah, I went to college. Better take my vote away.

To sum it up: a political party is a conspiracy, and trying to gain a majority in congress is a takeover attempt. Wanting exceptional, intelligent, educated representatives in government is elitist. Elected officials drafting and passing laws are telling you what to do. Judges who issue legal rulings are activists legislating from the bench.

Next week: How Obama stole the 2008 election by getting more people to vote for him than his opponent did. Clearly he could only have accomplished this by using persuasive techniques. Did you ever think such a thing could happen in America?

Republican Celebrities Set To Debate Furniture, Appliances

2012-09-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

After a successful national convention, the Republican party is gearing up to begin the campaign for the White House, Senate and House of Representatives in earnest and plans to leave no stone unturned.

Taking a page from that convention, and one of its most memorable moments, the Republican National Committee announced today that it has lined up a series of debates seeking to emulate Clint Eastwood's impressive performance against an empty chair last Thursday night. The 82-year old actor had no trouble trouncing the piece of furniture on every point that came up, creating one of the great storylines of the convention and giving the Republicans some new ideas as they go forward.

An impressive lineup of Republican celebrities will be debating various articles of furniture, several types of kitchen appliances, and other well-known objects.

"Eastwood's performance was so impressive, it's shown us that we have a great untapped resource in today's Republican party," said National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus. "We have a powerful contingent of aging white celebrity men who are especially gifted at debating inanimate objects--they know how to prepare, how to do their homework, and especially how to think on their feet much better than any appliance or furniture that the Democrats can trot out. We plan to use this resource."

While details of the debate schedule are still being worked out, a few Republican celebrities have already signed up to participate.

"We already have Eastwood, and he's agreed to debate an entire dinette set," said Priebus. "This will be more of a challenge than what he faced at the convention, but that's what we want to do--line up appropriately tough opponents for all our celebrities. In the interests of having lively debates and really raising the level of political discourse in this country, we want to put our people up against the toughest opposition we can find."

"For example, talk-show host Rush Limbaugh will be matched against an open refrigerator. Full of food. And while we feel this will not be easy, we feel confident that Rush will eat that refrigerator's lunch. Another event will feature Hank Williams, Jr., discussing Constitutional law with a partially deflated football. You know he'll be ready for that."

The toughest challenge will likely be faced by actor and martial arts expert Chuck Norris, who will square off against a blender. "That will be a real challenge for him," said Priebus, "especially when you remember that the blender can perform four functions (blend, liquefy, puree and whip) against Chuck Norris' three (eat, sleep, kick people in the head). But you know Mr. Norris will not back down from a challenge."

Other matchups will include Megadeth guitarist Dave Mustaine pitting his brain against a bag of wet firecrackers, 1970's guitar hero Ted Nugent doing battle with a fencepost, and child actor Kurt Cameron debating some toast. Also being featured is comedienne Victoria Jackson, who will attempt to avoid walking into a wall for 45 minutes.

"We want to showcase our best thinkers," said Priebus. "We want to challenge them, but we are confident of victory. These people are truly exceptional, and will represent today's Republican party in a way that will make us all proud."

Below: Clint Eastwood takes on the chair.

The 6 Articles Cracked.com Keeps Running Over And Over Again

2012-08-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing we know about comedy and the Internet, it's that everyone in the world has a distinct preference for receiving their jokes in list form. Everybody loves lists! It couldn't possibly be laziness or lack of creativity, or any number of other indefensible reasons. And even if it is--hey! Another list to laugh at!

Cracked.com, which grew out of what was considered the poor, or possibly homeless, man's version of Mad magazine, is one of the more popular list-based comedy websites, garnering hundreds of thousands of hits every day.

Lately, though, I've come to suspect those good folks at Cracked.com are recycling the same six articles week after week after week. And since I'm feeling lazy and uncreative today, I'll just make a list of them. Yeah, fuck work. Here's a list!

#6--7 Martial Arts Techniques That Will Cause You To Kick Yourself In The Face
Blah blah blah dickjoke. Blah blah Teddy Roosevelt blah blah. Blah blah blah Tesla, Edison, blah. Blah blah blah, you dumbass. Blah!

Caption too fucking small to read.

#5--8 Adorable Animals That Will Eat Your Face
Who's a pointless little list of cute animals? You are! Yes, you are!

Look at his nose! Look at his nose!

#4--6 Horrifying Insects That Want To Live In Your Face
As everyone knows, the world wants you dead. Dead, dead, dead! What you don't know is that insects can kill you. Dead! So, be careful or something.

The call is coming from inside your face! Get out of there!

#3--7 Comic Book Super Powers You Can Do With Your Face
You still read comic books? Jesus Harrypotter Christ. Grow up already! Unless, of course, you have a face. In which case you can do super stuff, just like your favorite comic book heroes! [citation needed]

Caution: mask may cause face to tan unevenly if worn in daylight.

#2--8 Badass Badasses That Are Secretly Badass And Could Badassedly Break Your Face
You think you're tough? Really? Nah, you're not. The world is full of wusses that could really mess you up. I mean, really fuck up your shit. Like, you know, big time. Like, you know...

You talkin' to me?

#1--7 Movies You Probably Saw That Are Sort Of Retarded...Your Face
Do you watch movies? Yeah, me too. And don't they suck? Yeah, they suck. Especially the ones with Kevin Bacon, which would be all of them. CGI? That just makes them suck digitally. 3D? Merely increases the number of dimensions in which they suck. Which would be all of them. Suck, suck, suck. Blah blah blah dickjoke.

Six degrees of suckitation. Also, dickjoke.

Speaking With Barack In The Oval Office

2012-08-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

Image credit: Eos, Always In Love

In the interests of fairness, or at least pretending to be fair and unbiased, here is an Obama joke.
Alternate title: Putting Barack in the White House.

Here's An Idea

2012-08-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

Since the Republicans are so enthralled with voucher systems these days, pushing them as a workable solution for everything from Medicare to public education (which is nothing but a back-door way of funding religious institutions in violation of the Constitution) how about this: rather than actually casting a vote for the Mitt Romney/Paul Ryan ticket, print and fill out a copy of this voucher, good for one vote in the upcoming election. Send it to:

Romney for President
575 Commercial Street
Boston, Massachusetts USA 02114-9756

Click on image to see full-size .jpg. Please. You may need to do so in order to read the tiny little jokes.

I'm sure the Republican candidates will appreciate your support.

Robertson Blames Temple Shooting On Jumbo Shrimp

2012-08-08T14:02:00.001-07:00

Televangelist Pat Robertson wasted little time in identifying the true culprits behind Sunday's shooting at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, Wisconsin that left six worshipers dead, pointing the finger of blame at "Satanic Atheists."

Although some may make the entirely verifiable claim that most violence against religious believers and destruction of places of worship is perpetrated by people of a different religion who worship a different god, Robertson has no doubt who is really to blame for this latest attack on believers.

"These non-believers simply hate God," said Robertson. "It's an open secret, and a bitter sweet truth, that this irregular pattern of deafening silence on the part of those who control this chaos is causing a forward retreat among those of us who see it as the most seriously inconceivable joke we can imagine."

(Here's the video. And before you ask, yes, that's a made-up quote.)

Stalking The Candidates

2012-07-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

Did I say stalking? No, no...I meant following. You know, on Twitter.

Yes, I recently signed up to follow both Barack Obama and Mitt Romney on Twitter. Not surprisingly, the Obama account seems to be producing far more tweets than the Romney account.

Not that I'm under any delusion that either man is actually tweeting, mind you. I'm sure both of them employ others empowered to tweet under their good names. And I suspect Romney, being Romney, is just itching to fire a couple of his tweeters (twitterers? twits?) as the campaign moves along, just because we know he gets a kick out of that sort of thing.

Neither am I under any delusion that they will ever see any replies I make to their tweets. Both men are obviously busy, Obama with being president and Romney with trashing our allies overseas (more on that in a bit).

That won't stop me from replying, of course. I just can't shut up. The challenge, though, will be to fit those replies into the woefully inadequate 140-character limit. So what you likely will see will be stuff like this:

Not that I'm going to let Obama off easily; I'm sure I will feel the need to respond to him as well, especially when he barfs up oatmeal like he did here:

Yes, I know. Tilting at windmills, and all that.

If you want to track my pointless arguing at these two famous men who will never respond, I suggest you sign up to follow @feralboy12 on Twitter. I will also try to put up a feed here at this site, somewhere over in that column on the right-hand side of this page.

Meanwhile, Romney recently trekked to England, where they are opening the 2012 Olympic Games. He's making friends fast, especially with quotes like this about our erstwhile allies (from his book):

England [sic] is just a small island. Its roads and houses are small. With few exceptions, it doesn’t make things that people in the rest of the world want to buy. And if it hadn’t been separated from the continent by water, it almost certainly would have been lost to Hitler’s ambitions. Yet only two lifetimes ago, Britain ruled the largest and wealthiest empire in the history of humankind. Britain controlled a quarter of the earth’s land and a quarter of the earth’s population.

Ignorant prick.

So how did England rule that large, wealthy empire, spread out over a quarter of the earth's land?

They did so with the most powerful naval force the world had ever seen. Which also, I suspect, helped them keep control of that water that separated them from the continent and protected them from Hitler's ambitions.

Oh, and...Battle of Britain, jerk. The only way Germany was ever going to be able to invade the British Isles against a superior naval force was to gain control of the air with their vaunted Luftwaffe. They tried...they failed. After that, there was virtually no chance of an invasion of ground troops. The plans for that ("Operation Sea Lion") were shelved once England opened up that can of whoop-ass.

"We saved your ass in World War II, you silly
limey bastards! I saw a John Wayne movie on the telly!"

This left England able to host a build-up of troops, including a whole lot of our brave American fighting men, in a staging action that made D-Day possible.

The Brits won this battle at great cost in lives and material. Thanks, Mitt, for belittling their sacrifices.

The Luftwaffe was never the same after their failure in the Battle of Britain. And as rough as D-Day was, it would have been much worse, and quite possibly disastrous, had Germany still possessed a powerful air force to throw into the mix.

Criminy. Read a book, Mitt.

Limbaugh Reaches, Trips, Faceplants Again

2012-07-18T14:30:00.002-07:00

Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh had this to say this week about the latest installment in the Batman movie franchise:

“Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bain?
You may think it’s ridiculous, I’m just telling you this is the kind of stuff the Obama team is lining up. The kind of people who would draw this comparison are the kind of people that they are campaigning to. These are the kind of people that they are attempting to appeal to.”

Oh, no Rush, that's not ridiculous at all. How could a character created for a graphic novel in 1993 not be an attempt to swing an election in 2012? Obviously, 1993 is well within the range of Obama's Magic Time Machine. You know, the one he used to plant those birth announcements in Hawaiian newspapers in 1961 to hide the fact that he was born in Kenya and thus not eligible for the presidency.

But it goes even further back! My 1934 edition of Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines the word "bane" thusly:

Ah, the conspiracy reaches back nearly 80 years! This pinko commie Webster fellow, whoever the hell he was, surely didn't come up with that definition by accident. Yes, this is the kind of stuff the Obama team is lining up. Of course it's a collegiate dictionary, and we always knew we couldn't trust those liberal professors. Fucking socialists, thinking they can define words for everybody!

Wait! It gets better! The Online Etymology Dictionary has this to say regarding the word "bane."

Modern sense of "that which causes ruin or woe" is from 1570s.

So either Obama's Magic Time Machine is way more powerful than we thought, or he has hated America since before there was an America, or Rush Limbaugh stopped doing his homework when he graduated from high school in 1969.

Or maybe, just maybe, the people who named Bain Capital knew what they were naming it after. You don't think it was an accident, do you?

The truth? You decide! That is how truth works, after all. Pretty sure.

Science vs. Religion: Piltdown Man And The Golden Plates

2012-07-15T16:54:00.000-07:00

Every so often in my internet wanderings I run across a True Believer In Jesus throwing out Piltdown Man as a prime example of the unreliable nature of science; invariably it is presented as something scientists got horribly wrong and thus evolution is disproved, despite the fact that it was a deliberate, elaborate hoax that was always controversial and was uncovered and revealed to be a hoax by none other than scientists nearly 60 years ago, about the same time the structure of DNA was worked out by Watson and Crick.
No, it's not an example of what science does wrong; rather the contrary, I would think. By the time science got done with it, the thing was pretty well nailed to the wall. But it might be a good example to use for comparison with the way religious faith works. Here is a direct comparison of two major "archaeological finds" of the last 200 years.

Penn State: Sure, You Can Keep The Statue...

2012-07-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

...just paint some blood on the hands and you're good to go.

And while you're at it, you can send that 1995 Rose Bowl trophy to Rich Brooks.

African-Americans Respond To Romney NAACP Speech

2012-07-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

Mitt Romney spoke before the NAACP this week. I haven't actually read his speech, but by the reaction you see in the photo above, I'm guessing Romney was suggesting African-Americans borrow money from their parents and start businesses.

America Be Warned: The Shania Menace

2012-07-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

This is the first draft of a mass e-mail I would like to send out if I ever figure out how to do that, or if I get tired of mostly not being an obnoxious idiot. Note: any misspellings, oddly placed quote marks or randomly capitalized words should be seen as stylistic elements, not fuckups.

AMERICA: BE WARNED

The Menace of Canadism is coming TO A CITY NEAR YOU!

Yes, it's true.

Not satisfied with knocking down our skyscrapers OR blowing up marketplaces, Teh Evil Canadists will not rest until they have implemented the final stage of their devious plans to TAKE OVER AMERICA. And you know what? THEY'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIDE IT ANYMORE.

They announced it on multiple websites recently, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

SHANIA TWAIN IS COMING TO AMERICA. THIS YEAR!

The plan, they say, is to begin by implementing Shania Twain in that most American of cities, Las Vegas, by the end of 2012. It will proceed then, no doubt, from city to city and state to state until ALL OF AMERICA HAS FALLEN UNDER THE BARBARIC RULE OF THIS INSIDIOUS FORM OF CANADIC FUNDAMENTALISM.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in America who understands what Shania Twain is!

But that's why I'm RAISING THE ALARM.

With this cup, Shania will drink the
blood of Christians. Unless
you act now!

And, of course, the America-hating LEFTIST LIBRULS in "Hollywood" are falling all over themselves to hand our country over to this menace.

THEY HAVE GIVEN AWARDS TO SHANIA.

YOU CAN DOWNLOAD SHANIA TWAIN FROM iTUNES. Anyone can do this! Our children are being exposed to this evil influence! CHILDREN! Children, Mandrake!

Parents, check your home computers. SHANIA TWAIN MIGHT BE ON THERE RIGHT NOW!

WHY IS THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA IGNORING THIS?

THIS IS THE WORST THREAT AMERICA HAS FACED SINCE THE "YELLOW TIDE" SWEPT IN AND FORCED HAIKU DOWN OUR THROATS BACK IN THE 1960's. And we know how that ended, don't we? It was the end of free verse as we knew it. NEVER AGAIN.

They hate our free verse. They hate our country. THEY HATE OUR COUNTRY-WESTERN. The Canadists want to remake it in their own image. BUT WE WILL STAND UP AND FIGHT. And that's the Good News. The Resistance is under way!

LAWS ARE ALREADY BEING DRAFTED IN KANSAS AND OKLAHOMA. These Good Christian Americans understand the threat of Shania and are saying no. WE WILL NOT ALLOW SHANIA in our courtrooms, our homes, our schools, our iPods. NOT NOW, NOT EVER.

It's like President ~~Batman~~ Bush said: we will rid the world of these evil-doers.

BUT I NEED YOUR HELP TO FIGHT THIS DARK MENACE.

Please. $10 or $20, that helps. BUT ONLY SO MUCH. SO MUCH MORE IS REQUIRED. $500 OR $1000 WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE. YOU CAN DO THIS! Please send whatever I think you can afford, and send it now. THE BATTLE IS ON FOR AMERICA'S SOUL.

IT'S UP TO YOU. STOP SHANIA NOW!

So Long, Ernie

2012-07-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

Ernest Borgnine, Oscar winning actor, has died at the age of 95.
Despite that Oscar, and a career that spanned six decades, the ABC story linked above chose to mention McHale's Navy in its headline; that was a dumb TV show in a dumb TV era of dumb TV shows noted for their dumbness, and yet that's the epitaph some are choosing here.
News flash: the man won a fucking Academy Award for Best Actor for the film Marty in 1955. More recently, he was heard as the voice of Mermaidman in Spongebob Squarepants. In between? His IMDb page is roughly as long as my arm.
He became a favorite of mine when he was chewed up by Willard Stiles' unholy army of rats in 1971's Willard. And a dozen years later, my then rock 'n roll band featured him on a couple of our promotional posters, for no good reason other than he was just flat-out cool.

I believe the artist here is Drew Friedman. I think. I dunno, we pretty much cut stuff out of magazines, pasted them to cardboard, wrote shit like "awesome oatmeal solos" around the margins and made posters to staple up around town. We were promotional geniuses, of course.

Anyway, so long, Ernie, and fuck McHales's Navy. You were better than that.

It's A Minefield Out There These Days

2012-07-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

Q: My girlfriend recently admitted to me that the only reason she's with me and not some other dude is because I drive the hottest car in school. I always knew she really liked my car, but I'm wondering: should I be insulted, or worried? Does this mean she doesn't really care about me? Is she just shallow, or what? --Hot Rod, Indianapolis IN

A: No, no, not at all. Your girlfriend understands that the choices a man makes reflect what he is really all about. The car he drives, the clothes he wears, the way he combs his dick--these are all statements about what he considers important. Kudos to your girl for getting it!

Q: In the past, i have enjoyed going to certain conventions and conferences around the country. While I do occasionally enjoy the speakers at these gatherings, what I really enjoy is being in the middle of a big crowd where I can wander around and hit on every modestly attractive woman in attendance. Now I hear many of these conferences are adopting anti-harassment policies. I am being shamed for my scattergun approach to relations with women.
The question is, have I been out of line all these years? --Fisher of Women, Austin TX

A: Absolutely not. These policies are being put forward by "feminazis," with help from a bunch of pencil-necked PC jockeys who are terrified that women will think badly of them. I mean, who cares if a few women get tired of being approached constantly for sex by guys they don't know? Who cares if they're all there for some completely unrelated purpose? This is about you, after all. Hell, how are you supposed to catch any fish if you can't cast your line out?
Your best solution, to continue with the fish analogy, is simply to quit inefficiently casting one piece of bait at a time out into that ocean, and approach the whole mating game as an actual fish would. In other words, at your next convention, just walk around the crowd jacking off on everything. Leave a big cloud of sperm floating around; it's bound to fertilize something.

Q: I like tits!
--Titmouse, Titsville USA

A: Jeez, is this how you approach women? You have so much to learn.
For instance, have you ever tried actually talking to a woman, ask her questions, talk about how she feels about stuff, get her to open up? There are many approaches that accomplish this. For example, rather than just expressing your approval of her tits, try asking her how long she's had them. This lets her know that you are interested in her life story.
Also, try to find out what sort of interests she has. Ask her about hobbies. For example, does she play tennis? And if so, do her tits get in the way?
Bottom line: you can't just talk about her tits. Get her to talk about her tits. Then she will know without a doubt that you, rather than being just another horny guy, are actually deeper and more caring. You have to show her that you respect her tits.

Q: So I saw this chick I liked in a video online and went to hear her speak at a conference. Afterward, I hung out near her in a bar for a few hours, just watching her without attempting to speak to her or introduce myself. Then, after she announced she was tired and was going to bed, I followed her out of the bar and into an elevator. Finally alone with her, I told her how much I admired her and asked her to my room for some coffee. That's totally not stalking, right? --E. Guy, Dublin

A: That was you?
Seriously, don't worry about it. There's no reason a woman should get nervous about such behavior. After all, stalking is just another word for "romantic comedy." And if you can't give voice to your obsessions, what fun are they?
Although, given that she said she wanted to sleep, offering coffee was probably a bad idea. Much better, and more appropriate, would have been to approach her while still in the bar and offer to put downers in her beer. This would have relaxed the whole situation immensely, and really allowed you to work your special "magic."

Q: I once playfully pretended to bite a woman I knew in the leg, and she thought it was funny. That means feminism is bullshit, amirite? --T. Foot, Somewhere In Time

A: Many feminists make unscientific claims about what sort of behavior is threatening and contributes to a misogynistic culture. It's good to see someone finally approach the topic with the proper skepticism and study it under carefully controlled conditions, such as in a bar. It's all about the evidence, after all.
And now that you have empirical evidence that women enjoy being bitten in the leg, don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Least of all those woman who claim not to like being bitten in the leg. They are, after all, just the exception that proves the rule. And you do rule, dude!
Seriously, I'm envious. I never would have thought of that approach. The best way I've come up with to set myself apart from all the other guys is to wear sunglasses at night. Occasionally, I might wear a motorcycle helmet backwards as well. Or, if I'm feeling particularly brave, wear my underwear on the outside. That way, women know I'm a rebel.
I never would have thought of biting them, though. And no, I can't possibly see any way consent could ever be an issue; it's certainly never been an issue with me. You agree, right?

Q: How many pick-up artists does it take to change a light bulb?
--P. Cock, Negging Meadows NY

A: Just one. But there have to be a lot of light bulbs available if he is to have any success.

Revelation Land: A Family Place To Be

2012-06-24T22:20:00.000-07:00

There is a person called Ken Ham who runs a creationist website called Answers In Genesis as well as an abomination of a "museum," which is called, duh, The Creation Museum. Among other laughable bits of "history," this museum promotes the idea that man walked with dinosaurs a few thousand years ago.
Apparently there be some dragons about as well.
He's recently tapped his appreciable revenue to produce the following set of billboards, of which he is evidently very proud:

Note the billboard in the middle of the top row.

Kenny has been seen on his website recently bragging about the quality of these billboards, insisting that they put all recent advertising efforts by atheists around the country to shame. And really, they do. At least as far as design and graphics. But hey, that's what bilking people can do for you.

Ken is currently working with the state of Kentucky to finance a "replica" of Noah's Ark, for which he'll also need billboards with animals.

But why stop there? Really, the animals named by Adam & Eve and loaded two-by-two onto Noah's Ark are all just boring, real animals who actually walked the earth, with the possible exception of dragons. The Bible has so much more to offer. The interesting creatures, the ones today's young Christian children will want to see, don't turn up until later in the story--right at the end, in fact, in the book of Revelation.

Ah, but I can hear you saying: "that hasn't happened yet! You can't put that stuff in a museum!"

Well, no, it hasn't happened. Yet. But it's Revelation, people, it's fore-ordained. It's prophecy. A vision of the End Times. It will happen.

So let's put those creatures into a museum, shall we? Let's get started on some billboards featuring some of the critters you will meet on your family vacation of the future at Revelation Land:

I would like to add, as I have before, my suggestion for a more concise, artistically pleasing, professional looking atheist billboard:

Meet Bad Hat Railroad

2012-06-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already, which, if you're not related to me, you haven't.
I've noticed a lot of music videos on YouTube these days with no more than a still shot of an album cover standing in for the video, and I thought: I can do that, too. Hell, I could do that shit in my sleep. And do it better! I could write better songs in the bathtub on acid than what you kids listen to today!
Okay, maybe not on acid. But I did go to music school, and I do have some old tunes about. And I can always shoot some pictures of Ken dolls in dumb hats and pretend I'm a band. This one is entitled "The Dog In The Rocket." Lyrics are below the fold.. And I do want to give a shout-out to Laika, the Russian dog that did fly in a rocket back in 1957. She gave her life for the Soviet space program and deserves honor. Also, I do like dogs and none were harmed during the making of this "video."

They put the dog in the rocket
And they shut the door and locked it up inside
They put the dog in the rocket
Lit the engine and they sent it for a ride

They put the dog in the rocket
And they shut it up inside and locked the door
They put the dog in the rocket
Now they never have to walk it anymore

They put a helmet on her face
Shot her up in outer space
Now she's the bravest dog
In the whole human race
She went flying all around
But they couldn't bring her down

They put the dog in the rocket
Now they never have to walk it anymore
Any more

You can tie him to a tree
You can chain him to a pole
And he still get loose & get
Out of control
Can't leave him in the yard
Can't take him in the store

You put the dog in the rocket
And you never have to walk it anymore

Well he's man's best friend
He'll be loyal to the end
Give you back every bit of the
Lovin' that you send
He can sit up and beg
But sometimes he'll ride your leg

You put the dog in the rocket
And you never have to walk it anymore
Any more

Earth To Get New CEO; Yahweh Managerial Competence Questioned

2012-06-13T01:50:00.000-07:00

In a move that had been brewing for centuries, the Pantheon of Gods announced after a meeting last week that Yahweh, long-time CEO of Earth, LLC, would be removed from the position He had held for the last 6000 years. In a brief, and rather terse, statement, the Pantheon revealed that repeated mismanagement of the Mankind Project was the reason.

At the peak of His power, Yahweh was considered Almighty.

"While we appreciate all the hard work Yahweh put into launching the Mankind brand, it's obvious to us that the project was riddled with problems from the start and we feel at this time that a change at the top is necessary," read the prepared statement released on Monday.

While the official statement did not go into details and did not overtly blame Yahweh for the struggling project, behind the scenes chatter told a different story as members of the Pantheon as well as former Yahweh underlings came forward to tell a tale of managerial incompetence from the First Day.

"It's no secret, really. His time as CEO was a disaster from the beginning," said one minor god who asked not to be named as that automatically summons his presence. "The first prototype humans were obviously flawed, failing to respond to the simplest of commands. And what does Yahweh do? He goes into production anyway. That's just asking for failure."

And a failure it was, by all reports, leading to a massive recall in 2349 B.C. Not only humans, but the entire line of earthly life forms was so flawed that nearly the entire inventory had to be destroyed on the factory floor. Although somewhat controversial at the time, it could be argued that it was a necessary shake-up for a company whose products had simply grown too complex and unwieldy for the market.

The PR department tried to put a positive spin on the recall, but such a
disaster is not easily dismissed.

But it was Yahweh's next move that really left industry observers scratching their heads.

"I still can't believe He went back into production with the same designs," said another minor deity, an expression of disbelief on one of his faces. "I mean, what the hell was the recall for? It accomplished nothing. I even heard He saved a few of the flawed units to serve as the new prototypes. That makes no sense.

"Duh. You don't need an MBA to figure out that wouldn't work."

And then, to compound difficulties even further, Yahweh's "Tower Of Babel" decision split the entire line of Mankind products into a plethora of mutually incompatible devices unable to communicate with one another. This decision was particularly problematic given the obvious market demand for products that could work together.

Another sign of trouble was evident from the start: a heavy-handed, authoritative, dictatorial management style that relied on severe punishment for the most minor of transgressions; rarely was good performance rewarded with anything more than vague promises of untold riches in some other realm of existence.

"Yeah, the whole bonus package was really back-loaded," said a former employee, who also asked not to be named for fear of incurring Yahweh's wrath. "Nothing was ever really guaranteed. It's like we were supposed to take it on faith.

"And the dental plan sucked."

These problems often resulted in a corporate environment of near-anarchy.

"He couldn't even get His hand-picked people to listen to Him," said another well-placed source within the organization. "Every time He left them to their own devices, they started looking for another leader, ready to follow anybody else's commands."

Those rival candidates for power included not only Baal, a well known rival god, but on one memorable occasion, alternate leadership was sought from an inanimate metal statue of a cow.

"Yeah, that was hilarious, although maybe it didn't strike me that way at the time," said a former high-ranking officer. "I was carrying down a set of executive orders to the senior staff, only to find everybody taking orders from this statue. I was so taken aback I dropped the damn tablets and Yahweh had to issue another set. It was a comedy of errors around there."

Factory-floor accidents like this one were all too common under Yahweh's leadership.

The final straw, most agree, was the hiring of Yahweh's son Jesus to oversee the restructuring of the project despite Jesus' lack of executive experience. Brought in to be Mankind's savior, he rarely leaves the Pantheon's corporate office these days, despite promises to return to Earth in person and resume a day-to-day role in operations. And the nepotism inherent in the choice was lost on no one.

Jesus is expected to be fired as soon as the new CEO is named, a decision that will likely be made over the next few weeks. In the meantime, it was announced that Hindu goddess Kali will serve as interim Head of Operations.

"We expect that Kali will provide the company with several firm guiding hands while we are forming the search committee that will recruit Yahweh's successor," said the official statement. "She will be taking on this role, temporarily, in addition to her regular duties, but we believe she's more than capable of juggling the various responsibilities. She's a real multi-tasker."

Earth stock prices rose sharply after the announcement.

Look! A Cat! On The Internet!

2012-06-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

Well-known fact: cats rule the Internet.

So, in the interests of increasing my traffic here, it's become obvious that I need more cat pictures. Unfortunately, I do not have a cat of my own at this time. But I have had cats in the past, and I did take pictures. And just because this cat lived in that dark pre-Internet age doesn't mean he doesn't deserve his rightful share of Internet fame.

This is N'Gawa, a Siamese cat that I got for Christmas when I was in high school. He lived his entire life in the 1970's. No, he's not playing the piano, he doesn't look like Hitler, and he will never talk in that mangled grammar rife with adorable misspellings known as LOLspeak. But he was a great cat.

Always feisty and playful, on one occasion he climbed up the back of the big, upholstered chair I was sitting in and clawed the fuck out of my ear. Man, that hurt.

But he could be sweet, too.

He had this adorable habit of climbing into the little cat bed we bought for him and spending several minutes patting it down with his paws, all the while purring loudly and contentedly. Then, still purring, he would straighten up, turn around in the bed once or twice, and claw the fuck out of my ear.

I miss you, N'Gawa.

Romney Unveils Economic Plan: America To Borrow Money From Its Parents

2012-06-07T16:00:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON--Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney unveiled his economic plan for America today, saying that if he is elected in November, the country would begin on the road back to fiscal strength and financial independence by borrowing money from its parents and starting a business.

"This is an option more young nations should look at," said the former Massachusetts governor, giving the commencement address to a group of recently graduated third-world countries. "Find a way to get an education, borrow money from your parents, start a business."

"That's my plan for America."

"We'll do our laundry at Mexico's house."

Romney was vague on what sort of business America should start, as well as which European nation is actually America's father. (America's mother, England, could not be reached for comment.) But he made it clear where the country's priorities should lie.

"The business of America is business," opined the former CEO of Bain Capital, a business known for purchasing American businesses and putting them out of business. "The government needs to be run like a corporation, for the profit of all Americans. Also, I like the idea of being able to fire the electorate, if necessary."

"Of course, in order to properly present itself to the world and avoid offending its potential customer base, America will need a haircut," Romney continued. "Whether it wants one or not. So there may be a difficult period still ahead, a period in which our nation will be pinned to the ground by 'bullies' and have sharp scissors waved in its face. But, I promise you, this period will be short-lived and in a few years, I will have forgotten all about it."

"To those around the world who doubt our ability to rebound from our recent difficulties, to those other countries who question the viability of our plan, I would say this: we'll bet you ten trillion dollars that it works."

"A rising tide lifts all boats," Romney went on to say. "The new American economy will have room for everyone, be they young or old, black or white, male or female. Everyone will be included. No one will be left behind. Although some may have to be strapped to the top of the car."

Romney also indicated that America can keep its expenses relatively low by continuing to live in Canada's basement, as it has for much of its history.