I’m reminded of “Kill Bill”. “You didn’t think it was going to be that easy did you?”

“Yeah…I really kinda did.”

Two weeks ago when I came to the hospital everday with Daddy and Tatsumi to visit my mom who was on a ventilator, I couldn’t show up without feeling like I was going to throw up. I even did once. I’ve been here all of about 30 hours and I want to turn tail and run like a little kid. I’d say my mom’s dog but at this point I’m fairly certain she has more guts then I have.

Don’t get me wrong. Let’s be positive here. My mom is SO much better then she was. She’s conscious, she’s speaking and off all the lines of meds and the ventilator. She has kidney function and despite a LITTLE bit of crud in her lungs her BIGGEST issues are pain (from laying on her back), a very dry mouth (from the feeding tube and them holding off on allowing her much more then a bit of ice to make sure she doesn’t allow anything to slip back into her lungs until the throat muscles are better, and very very very dry skin and some bed sores we’ll fix. When that feeding tube comes out, when she can drink and eat, when the pain is managable…I’m pretty sure she’s going to be talking and conversing JUST FINE.

But the dry mouth and the pain are eating her alive. Obviously not litterally but it sure feels that way to her right now I’m sure. And there isn’t SHIT I can do about it. Hearing your loved one repreat over and over “hurry” “hurts” “water” and “please” and the most you can do is repeat…”they are coming” or “I can’t let you have anything” hurts just about as much as some of the worst headaches I’ve had.

I’ve cried twice today and I still don’t know what I’m suppose to do tomorrow when she says all that all over again. I didn’t know what was worse yesterday…seeing her on the ventilator or hearing her say “hurry” until the meds made her pass out not sure if she is only saying that cause she’s not all there. Now I don’t know what’s worse, not knowing if she has some mental loss and doesn’t know she’s saying that or knowing for a fact that she’s full aware and in as much need as she’s demanding.

I’m not writing all this to get comments. I’m writing because though I wish and hope none of you ever have to go through this there’s a chance you might and I want you to be prepared and have some idea about what this is like. Hopefully, I’m going to have better tips in a week about how to handle the stress, what to do when they need something you can’t give them, how to not feel like you are falling down on the ones you love who are hurting watching along with you, and how to keep your life going in the process.

For today….all I can do is be proud that I signed up to curves, worked out, helped my Dad, was there for my mom to feed her ice/put lotion on her and help them move her in the bed, got my shit together twice, handled a couple phone calls well, took some pics that Daddy needed and got them to him and didn’t run out on my mom and my dad when it all got too scary to feel like I could deal with.

I have other gremlins running around in my head threatening my sanity and as soon as I find an “Overloard” with a big ass foot I’m gonna kick them really hard and tell em to get their damn pumpkins on and start marching. Till then, I think it’s bed time. I’ll be getting up every few hours to make sure the dog doesn’t poop on the carpet and then getting up at 7 to go workout before I get my dad up to run some errands.

I didn’t manage to write today and I’m sorry about that but maybe I’ll work it in tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll try and tell you about something cool that happened while I was working out that involves Guardians.

Laters. I’m tweeting most things and you can find them at http://www.twitter.com/kimidreams

You all know about what my plans were in June about getting my health and meds straightened out. Here is it in August and it’s not fully settled but we’ve gone through some changes and in the mean time more things have hit the fan causing a delay in my projects.

So here I am to tell you about all that and give you an update.

• My sleep schedule is not fully correct but it’s better
• My food isn’t great but it’s getting better
• My psych meds have been changed and aren’t set but are holding me together…still looking for a Dr for that
• I’m off my pain meds but still having headaches daily…we’re still looking for a Dr for that.
• I haven’t been able to work out like I need to…I have nothing but excuses for that one.

And then I got thrown another curve ball. Two weeks ago my mother went into ICU. Her kidneys shut down, she wasn’t coherent, and things were just bad. I, Soulhuntre, and Tatsumi all went to Kansas for five days. She slowly got better but was still not off the sedation when I left. It was decided that as she got better and when she was close to leaving the hospital I would come back and help her and my Dad.

Her kidney’s are now functioning, she’s still being fed through IV but the ventilator came out and she’s not on all the huge lines of medication she was. It’s hard to say how long she’ll remain in ICU because we’ve now got to get her to be able to sit up as well as talk again before they can move her to a regular room and then hopefully home. My father who can’t drive again by himself until December will be needing my help to drive him around to the hospital, to errands, and to meetings.  All things considered…I think I handled this little crisis pretty damn well. I couldn’t have done as well though without Soulhuntre and Tatsumi. The support I received from my friends and my twitter pals was really great as well so thank you.

So where does that leave me and my projects, other then “behind”? Well it had been my intention to take the laptop with me to work while in Kansas. I may be gone as long as 3 weeks to a month. But it blew up on me. So I’ll be taking pen and paper and if NOTHING else writing on Guardians so that I can just crank it out to my actors and into audio form.

I’ve canceled a few voice overs I was going to be doing. I’ve made arrangements for the voice overs I can still do. I won’t be able to go to DragonCon which I’m very bummed about because I wanted to record the meetings and hang out with some of my new UF writing friends.

And I’ll be eating correctly and walking my mom’s dog alot while I’m gone to see if I can keep up with the loosing weight. The only thing I don’t have taken care of really is what happens if I run out of pain meds but I’ll be talking to my Dr. before I leave on Monday about that. I got samples for the psch meds I need so I am good on that.

This week will see me updating all the bills so Soulhuntre can do that while I”m away. I’ve made some deals with WndWolf of Wonder Radio to do some editing for me for TaleChasing and I’m going to try and get an PIP episode up before I have to go. I have a few TC eps that can go up and I’ll be taking along the Zoom for totally raw updates.

I think that pretty much covers it. It’s my intention to get Guardians back on track and going without loosing to many of you in the mean time. To keep myself sane I will repeat the wise words told to me by lots of people I admire: “If anyone complains tell them you’ll be returning their money as soon as you can….oh wait….they aren’t paying for it.”

Seriously, it means bunches to me that you are all supportive and sticking with me.

Love ya,

Kimi

Follow me on Twitter at KimiDreams if you want updates or call 201.830.1586 to leave comments.

Feel free to listen or look for twitters on how I’m doing.

However, this post kind of applies to all of them and it’s too long for twitter. So I’m updating you all here.

Ever since Oct 08 I’ve been working with an (as much as possible) honesty motto. This is hard to do when you’ve promised to be totally up front and above board with how you are doing your projects when you are slightly embarrassed and ashamed of some of the life-changes you are still working on changing. Things like procrastination, talking about your health (because it generally comes off whiny and honestly unless you’re waiting for a major organ transplant you aint got THAT much to complain about), bad habits, etc.

So for the keen observer I leave hints around when I’m less then eager to share what’s going on because I’m “ashamed” of what’s going on. When I say ashamed I’m not talking cause I’m like killing puppies and don’t want anyone to find out…I’m talking about sleeping more then I feel I should be, putting of working out or getting work on one of my projects done (no matter how legit, or not, the reasons) or just pissy, depressed or annoyed. The biggest hint is that I don’t twitter or update anything.

Over the last week and change I’ve been recovering from the flu and slowly really taking notice of how my medical cocktail seems to be failing me. I’m horridly tired constantly, I’m less then thrilled about doing things I WANT to do let alone things I need to do, I haven’t really talked to anyone, and my head has been killing me and I often feel sick.

So long story short and many tedious details left out, I went to the Dr today that we seem to like and just said…this is what’s going on…doesn’t seem like what I’m doing is working…what do we do? Here’s what the current plan is:

• She’s going to cover me until I can replace my therapist and psychiatrist
• She’s helping me find said doctors with the limits I have on my resources
• I have to get a set schedule of sleep. I need to sleep regularly and for a decent amount of time without waking up in between. The intent is to try to normalize my sleep pattern (mood, body and headache)
• I have to find an hour a day (and try and do it in some sort of schedule) to work out. Working up to at least an hour of cardio (help for my mood and my fitness health)
• I need to eat 4 to 6 times a day working with the limits I have for calorie count and record it (mood and fitness as well as some headache maintenance)
• I need to figure out how much caffeine I’m getting a day and regulate it. Don’t go over and don’t go under (this will help moderate some of my headaches)
• She gave me prednisone to try and stop the headache cycle I’m in (cause it sux big time)
• She gave me some pain meds to try that are different then what I’d been put on (she wasn’t happy with what they’d given me)
• The plan is to change my mood meds once I get a different dr because what I have is obviously not right for me

So I have to start slowly doing this and keep a record of how it goes then see her in a week.

I’m writing about this for a few reasons:

• My stated transparent policy – I hope that someone who has the same issues or is working on the same things realizes they aren’t alone or gets tips on how to help themselves through what I’m doing
• I know many of you like to know what is going on with me and I don’t want to leave you in the dark when I feel ok about sharing
• (And the hardest to write down) To give those who are following me and my projects an updated status to perhaps explain why things are going a little slower then we’d all like them – and to tell those people who are attempting similar projects that they aren’t alone if they have issues they are working to overcome while working their way to the top.

So there ya got it! What’s the plan and how does it fit with my projects?

1. Start getting the headaches lower so I can function
2. Start working on eating and sleeping right to help me be awake to function
3. Get right on that therapist/psych to get the meds right so my motivation gets fixed
4. Begin the workouts as soon as 1 is a bit better. Tiredness is easier to work through then pain.
5. Start to slowly pick at my to do list (small stuff first) until 1 and 2 are starting to pick up and I can focus on more/larger to do things in a day (and not beat myself up about it or think that people think I’m horrible)

Some of you might be wondering what this means for the kind of alternative lifestyle I lead. The gist of my duties was mostly to be available 24/7 for Daddy. The main change which is scheduling sleep, food, and working out kind of hampers this a bit. The good news is he’s talked to me about it and totally on board with working with me and the Dr to make this happen. There is a lot to do as you can see from above but in general we’ll begin working on me getting food and working out set (we’re working on that anyway for our working goals). What that means for my frequent checks on him is that we’ll arrange a number of hours as downtime in a row to normalize my sleep. There’s more but it’s taken me like 2 hours to write this post and we can talk about it later.

As for Guardians and TaleChasing I’m still on track but while these few things get stable I’m a little slower on the deadlines. You’ll however be able to see how things are getting better as I get on a more maintainable and steady turn out schedule for those projects. I’m going to be keeping tabs on all of this via Twitter, Tale Chasing and Guardians and Hash Kaizen.

I understand that’s a lot of places to look and don’t expect you to. But this is where you’ll be able to look if you want to check in on how things are going. I expect that Chapter 3 of Guardians will be released the second week of July due to issues with above and my actors being slightly unavailable this coming week. I’ll keep you up to date on that.

Yay! I finished the post. LOL

The Story up to now: Regan, a bodyguard for celebrities and socialites, escorts the mayor’s son to a museum benefit for a religious archeologist seeking more money. Before we get to find out much about the Dr or the people at the party, we find out that her contact Andre is missing, her sister goes out of her way to guilt her into coming to see her the next day and then that something is wrong that an old friend and one of the venue security think she needs to be in on. Find out what happens next in Chapter 2

Or, if you’d like to get creative and get an extra chance to win all you have to do is find some way to advertise the url and name of Guardians, then track me down at the convention and get your extra ticket. Write it on yourself, write it on a t-shirt or make a paper hat, post it on a sign on your back. I’ll even help you, several places around the Con I’ll put some temporary tattoos. Find one, wear it, and show me! And last but not least if you make such a big splash with your advertisement that I spot YOU in the crowd, I’ll come and give you 2 tickets.

Now you’re saying…but how on earth will I find you? Easy…I’m on two other panels and you can find those in the Balticon schedule. I’ll be at many of the new media and podcasting panels. I’ll be at the New Media Party on Saturday night. And I have twitter and I’ll be posting where I”m at and what I’m doing!

So…the info you need to know:
What to advertise: Guardians and http://www.guardiansnovel.com
My twitter acct: kimidreams
The drawing: Chesapeake Suite, Sunday at 6pm

Things are so crazy while I get ready for Balticon next week, and I have been trying to head off the flue that I slipped a bit on my time release. But I believe this is the best question answered so far! Check it out.

Angellus Journal #7 is up where I’m is asked what she recommends reading wise to help you prepare of Guardians release on May 22nd.

Many great things are in the works including: a cover, a prize giveaway at Balticon, and so much more.

I’ve adding a mailing list that you all can join for any new news. Just go to the site and fill in the form on the right side. Don’t worry I won’t spam you. Feel free to sign up and tell your friends about this group or my site! Spread the Guardians word!!

So here’s what all that’s going on.
Things are really good. My relationships are doing very nicely. I’ve been spending some time as a practice bunny for someone working on their hypnosis skills. That’s been very helpful to my stress, urge to interact with others, and getting me out of the house.

Right now, my main focus is on my book and the upcoming Balticon. I promised the release of Guardians the weekend of Balticon, May 22-25. I’ll be on several panels there and I want to pimp the podcast novel while I’m there. So I’m spending a lot of time writing, revising, working with my plot and back story and planning for things like my cover art, giveaway items to advertise it, and all the other things to help with that like an audio promo and a picture promo to be displayed at Balticon. It is a time of stressful creative challenge. But I’m enjoying it.

Chapter one is done and off to the actors to be recorded. I’m working on the sound effects and intro/outro for it and spending time just trying to spread the word. One of the ways I’m doing that is I’ve come up with weekly 1-5 min audio casts answering questions from my listeners about the book.

If you feel like helping please feel free to pimp me to your friends or link my site. I’d love that.
Other then that I’m working out in prep for…yes you guess it…Balticon. Going to yoga and dance classes has been helpful to get me to go as well as to get me to work out longer. My food intake has been relegated to good food only. So no sweets or soda. Fun huh? I’m getting ready to see what happens if you do 200 abs a day for two months. Just as a, ya know, experiment. LOL

Other then that…I’m doing voice over work for extra cash. Playing a few parts in different podcast novels, helping Daddy with work, and just working to be the best me I can.

So there ya have it. That’s what you’ve been missing.

Remember to send in your questions by leaving comments here on the site, by email or calling 201.830.1586

Check it out!

I’m going to visit my parents in March. I’ll be gone from the 9th to the 24th. I am hoping to spend time writing and working with my mom’s dog. Should be fun. I’m also making an appt for my dad to get the same tattoo that I have on my inner arm.

Daddy will be getting another tattoo session on March 10th but since we are showing Christian how to do live video I should be able to watch from Kansas. You can see the video of what we did the other night at http://www.tinyurl.com/cmasot

I just found out today that I will going to Balticon in May. May 22-25th I will be doing a live recording of Tale Chasing as well as a part in the live audio drama being done for Metamor City. I’m very excited about it!

Things are going good with the book. I found a friend who’s been super encouraging, seriously helpful, and just great at helping me stay on track and keep my excitement up. I’ve finished Chapter 1 and it’s out to the actors for recording. I’m working on edits for Chapter 2 and writing Chapter 5. I’ve got several small shorts in the work as teasers. And I have been thinking of some concepts for a trailer video for Guardians.

I’ve been doing voice over auditions and am hoping to get some work from it. I was asked to consider doing interviews for someone which might turn into a paying gig as well, which I’m psyched about.

I’m still swamped with a billion things on my plate and I’m hoping to find some fun stuff to do like maybe an mmorpg to play when I feel happy with all the work I’ve accomplished for a day and want some down times. But we’ll see.

Overall, things seem to be shaping up really well and I’m really happy.

I realize I haven’t written here in a while either. Part of that was because I went back and forth about the issue of “does anyone read the posts”? (hint - feel free to speak up in the comments section if you do so I can get a count)

Of course then there are all the other life reasons. I experienced some seasonal depression, there were holidays, and amongst all of that I spent time pulling myself further into unhappiness because I couldn’t figure out why I had things I knew needed to be done, things I wanted to get done…but not the ability to get myself motivated enough to do it.

This is a problem I’ve had for quite a while. And I expend a decent amount of brain power beating myself up about it. I found myself at Barnes and Nobel in the self-help section a week ago quite by accident. On a lark I decided to look through the books to see if anyone had any big advice on how to get motivated. There were a few on procrastination and I picked up one that I’m going thru a little at a time. I’ll be happy to recommend it if I find that it becomes helpful. I’m sure I can’t be the only one out there with this issue.

(I may have just come up with a good idea how to get blog posts to those people who only listen to my feed.)

Anyway, one of the things the book was useful for was finding out “why” you procrastinate. At first I couldn’t answer this question. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what to do. I even liked doing a bunch of the things I keep putting off. I’m not really afraid of making a mistake while doing them. So why did I put off things like putting up a post or a podcast? Why did I promise myself tomorrow I’d write some on Guardians? Or the same with any number of things I put off? It’s certainly not the full answer…because there is a hint of fear that what I write won’t be good enough or that I’ll write it and find out it’s wrong and needs to be re-written (an upcoming post)….

But the answer is…I find so many cool ideas I want to pursue that I bury myself in projects. Podcasts (I help with 3 right now), my book (short stories to draw attraction until it’s finished), voice work (for pay or for traffic - I’ve got two parts I’m currently playing besides mine), working on my fitness (food, trainer, cardio and weights), interviews (I have 3 ARC’s to read and at least 6 other people lined up I want to interview for the podcast), critique partner auditions (5 currently “auditioning”…3 who’ve sent return scenes to critter), helping others in my circles (I have 3 people expecting me to eventually get around to reading their current projects and maybe crit for them), and the endless list of podcast novels and shows I want to listen to (don’t even ask me how many that is).

Are we seeing a trend? I simply get overwhelmed by the amount of things I need/want to do. I don’t look at it that way in the moment. When I’m thinking about how I don’t want to write right now or “I think I’ll edit that later”…it’s just this dread…this tiredness. But when I look at the larger picture it’s clear to me…why on earth would I want to do any of the things I have to do when I’ve picked so many things and have so many people counting on it to all be done NOW.

There are people waiting for new episodes of Tale Chasing, people waiting for Guardians to come out, people waiting for the voice work, and expecting me to interview them. There are people who are looking forward to seeing my fitness progress. And I’ve told them all I’m working on each thing right this minute. Though no one but me knows it….each track has the same deadline. The immediate future. I think that calls for a reason to feel overwhelmed.

So…what am I going to do about it now that I know what’s happening. It’s not a perfect plan and like the book says, the object is not to “cure” procrastination but to do it less. I was referred to a site called Team WorkPM. It is a project management site and I’ve found it useful to seperate the projects I have and list the tasks that need to be performed and in what order to get them done. That has a least let me get it all out of my head so I don’t feel like I might forget something. And knowing what to do next is helpful.

Another suggestion from the book is to pick something little and accomplish it. Even something so small as writing an email is enough to get the ball rolling. Accomplishment gains momentum the more you add to it, and the more you add to it the more motivated you are to get things done. Because you feel that you can, you know that you are capable.

The last note on how I’ve been working on this is the obvious. Stop adding to the pile until I get something significant done. I have already caught myself twice going … “no, now is not the time to take that on.” And to me that’s a huge success. (of course reading back on this post I realize that while my idea on how to help those of you who don’t read the blog is part of the “Podcast Project”…techniquely it’s a new thing to add to the list of things to do. Some habits are hard to break but at least I caught it.)

So….if any of this sounds familiar…I hope this entry helps you.

(as a side note: There are two podcasts recorded and set to be put up shortly. Guardians is on it’s 5th chapter and I’m at 8500 words. I’m set to re-write the first chapter and get it back to a crit partner. I’m doing well with my fitness and have done two training sessions and have a plan on how to get better progress. I’ve also managed to stay away from foods I shouldn’t eat and keep with the every 4 hours eat thing.)

1) Things I thought about being when I was a kid: Miss America, Singer, Dancer, Author

2)In seventh grade I ate lunch by myself for several weeks and often pretended I was eating lunch with Menudo.

3) I once kicked a boyfriend out of my car because I warned him if he didn’t stop being a dick I would. (I did go back and get him.)

4)The very first roses I ever got were from a boy who stole them from a neighbor. They were pink.

5)The largest number of words I’ve produced on a project is 15,723. I’m close to passing that with Guardians.

6)The first time I met my ex-husband I put on a co-workers name tag so I could decide if I liked him or not before I told him it was me.

7)I collect dragons and lately fairys.

8)I use to try to change traffic lights as if I was psychic.

9)I enjoy wearing a silver band on my thumb. Currently I need a new one.

10)My first voice role was for Chris Lester’s Metamor City as Leena!

11)I once wrote an acceptance speech for my Miss America win.

12)My name was once said on Romper Room (yes it was MY name)

13)I spoke to Santa Clause on the CB when I was little.

14)My CB handle was Little Bo Peep

15)I found my dad’s playboys when I was young and use to go and read them sometimes when I had to do laundry downstairs.

16)I’m an objectivist, and despite myself really liked the story Atlas Shrugged (minus the monologues)

Now to tag others: Soulhuntre, Angela, Lexi, Daddy David, Flagg, Seraphin, MindTweaks, and TheJLDOdornment
IF you do the meme, comment below so that I can come read about you.

Sometime last year…I decided that I should make the bed anytime someone got up from sleeping. I don’t know if it was Daddy’s preference or it just made the room less messy and I liked it, etc. But I started doing it each time we got out of the bed. Occasionally, while I’m making the bed…I realize I’m doing it because it’s a habit….but for the most part I don’t think about it. I get up, I go to the bathroom, and then I come back and make the bed before I do anything else if I’m up for any length of time. (Weird schedules and all that).

There are many things I have wanted to make a habit of, working out everyday and writing among them. Aside from that there are other “service habits” I need to have that I currently don’t. Sometimes it feels like a long overwhelming list, but I have enrolled the help of Remember the Milk and I’m hoping they will help.

About a month ago, after I recovered enough from my extended sinus and ear infections…I started going to the gym as often as I could. Daddy was going at least 5 times a week and I made it just something I did. If he went to the gym…I went to the gym. It’s not a full blown habit yet but it’s set enough that I felt like crap the other day when I didn’t feel good enough to go. I get up wondering what time we’ll be heading to the gym. If Daddy resets his schedule I panic for a moment wondering how I’m gonna make it to the gym. When I get there…much of the time…I’d so rather not have the pain of working out. But the habit of going to the gym is getting set and I’m happy about that.

Next to add to the list is writing everyday. I have other things I have to set in stone and again I’ll say it…I feel a little overwhelmed…(not zombie after me overwhelmed, Daddy) but overwhelmed none the less.

As a side note…a long time ago I learned to make a habit of expressing my immediate urge to comment back to what people say in my head before I speak it. Usually this works. When I’m in a good mood I don’t slow down enough to do that and I need to learn because sometimes I think I’m in a decent mood and I’m not projecting that. So….add that one to the list.

So here’s a list of a few of the habits I want to get into…so maybe that will help a little:

going to the gym 5-7 times a week
writing daily
working on podcasting at least once a week
entering gyminee info daily
picking up the rooms daily
vacumming weekly
checking the money daily
doing all my health routine daily (including always taking my meds)
choosing good food (more protein daily)
always thinking before i speak
….
there are so many more…i will not get overwhelmed…i will not get overwhelmed….

Last week I went to see Twilight with @slaveangela. OMG I’m in love. Edward from the movie is….made of WIN! The movie left me wishing I could write like that, I could meet a guy like that, and in this semi state of confidence/sureness/serious state of hormone arousal. LOL I was grinning like I fool the rest of the day, making conversation with complete strangers, giddy, and pretty sure I was the shit who had PLENTY of reason to be picky with my wants and desires. As you can imagine…some of the drug has worn off but I’m sure if I can only loop the movie on my TV 24/7 it’ll all be good. LOL Needless to say I can’t wait for the DVD to come out. I wanted to write a personal thank you to Robert Pattinson who plays Edward but doing some youtube research reveals I’d be lucky to even have one of his managers agency’s interns even see my letter long enough to hit the delete key let alone get him to actually read it.

I may someday write an “open letter to Robert Pattinson” but not right now. All I know is that the performance was amazing. And everyone who enjoys vampires and being seduced by gorgeous guys needs to go see it…NOW and take me with you preferably. It did a lot for helping me understand that if I have an ideal there is nothing wrong with being picky about getting it and that I have plenty of time. It also inspired some thought on my book.

In other news, I started the process of cleaning out our storage unit. Everything must go (pretty much). Tat and Daddy came with me yesterday to help me start sorting and tossing. We made a small dent but there is still so much left to do. I found a few things there were amusing. My Renaissance dress and cape. My self designed prom dress. Some nick nacks I’d packed a long time ago. And I found a great deal of my old printed out writing. Oh and the Barbara Nitke pics she took of me and Daddy. I honestly thought those were lost. I tossed the nick nacks and the clothing. Went and read through the poetry and the writing. I now have a printed copy of the first 6 chapters of the first book I ever attempted. Something COULD be done with it if I ever felt the need to. But I can’t see myself wanting to. I got over historical romance long ago.

Anyway…lots of stuff for me to do. Looking forward to Christmas and my birthday. It’s been suggested we go here for my bday. Looks fun. I’ve added to my amazon list for anyone who wants to buy a present. Though it’s obviously not required.

Tat started reading it and we’re all gonna finish it. I’ll do that when she’s done with it. But since Daddy took her to the path this morning I was sitting around waiting for him to get back before I fall back into a coma for a bit. I picked up the book from where I left off and the section I am reading is on “living consciously”.

As many of us know…I am the queen of avoidance. I can avoid like no other. Amusing since I also can self anyalise really well to. (btw I”m too tired to worry about my spelling so deal with it :P) The section I started reading talks about how in order to live in things that may not be good for us (like drugs, toxic relationships, etc) we must first turn down our ability to “see” by use of other methods like avoidance. In the book’s example…you can later go “i should have known x would happen if I indulged in “pick a bad thing”.” But that at the time you are in those situations if you don’t live consciously it’s easy /not to see/. I do this all the time. It’s something I have to get over.

He recommends sitting down each morning for a few days and writing “If I bring a higher level of consciousness to “x” (my relationship, the way I act when I do x) I see that…” and just write ten things off the top of your head that you realize about that you can /see/ what you are usually attempting to avoid seeing. And that this can help you live life better as well as help your self-esteem. Keep in mind it’s possible to do this exercise and get good results. I did it for a few things in my life and at least 2 of them listed all happy things I would see if I only paid attention.

What I haven’t figured out (and maybe the book will get to it) is what you do when you do see but have a hard time accepting. When you see but you don’t /want/ to see and how you make changes in yourself to live better and to your potential. So…when I find out…if I find out…I’ll let you know.

This has been your daily revelation. You can now go back to whatever you were doing. Thanks for playing.

I was thrilled to find out that the head of the fitness classes was in the room and I got to beg her for more dance like classes. She seemed happy for the advice and here’s to hoping we get more of those. Then I’ll just have to figure out how to get in my 30 mins of weight training on nights I do an hour of dance.

One thing I’m not sure about though is that when I get very into my workout my face turns all red. It happened today during the class and the day before when I did 30 mins of eliptical on lv 3. I looked a little on the net and with my lame google foo skills found one or two things that said it wasn’t bad but nothing that told me why it happens, etc. So if you have good google foo tell me ok!

I took the last two days off to be emotional apparently and I’m hoping in the morning I’ll shake that shit off and get back to writing and being productive. I’m not the queen of avoidance for nothing and while I’m not trying to avoid stuff….placing a little perspective in there might be useful.

Oh and I have one of the cool new avatars on Xbox so you can find me there at (duh) Kimikodreams

Sa’ll for now. Maybe an episode of Angel is in order. (Tabz I really want a part in Angel between the lines next year!)

So here’s a tossed off list of things that are good about me before I go to the gym…

*i AM making an effort to go to the gym and dedicating my time even when i don’t want to do do it
*i created a concept, proposed, recorded, edited and published a product for someone i admire and it came out well
*i came up with an entire plot and ending by myself (with a little side help)
*i handled tesfest security and volunteering at the last few events (many people said i did a good job)
*i’ve kept to my word about not lying for the last several months
*i’ve kept my code of not saying things to intentionally hurt people even when i really want to
*i continue to fight even when i want to give in
*i have created, recorded, edited, and produced several good podcasts
*i won “best webcam girl” one year
*i have a way of making connections with people
*i have a talent for reading body langauge and helping people sometimes
*i’m occasionally very photogenic

that’s all you get. it’s all i can manage for the moment….later

Things are going ok. Daddy is still treating me better then I feel I deserve and lots of things are being worked on in all areas. I’ve been writing more. Been going to the gym regularly. Making an effort to be closer and good to my families. I haven’t lied knowingly except for once and I ended up coming clean with my Mom on that lie.

My motivation has been coming and going over the last week or two. I’m in the process of seeing if it has anything to do with taking (or in this case…not taking) the Xanax. When I went to see my psychaitrist she was pretty upset that my primary care doctor had given it to me. Both she and my therapist are concerned of the possibility of addiction and I get that. But she’s also under this impression that Xanax often kills people…thru various means. So I spent about two weeks actively refusing myself the Xanax when I felt like I needed it.

After a phone call to my mom where I felt a bit unstable I agreed that maybe I was being a little TOO cautious. I’ve felt better over the last two days but I’m keeping track to see if that’s due to other factors like active focus on my accomplishments, etc or if the help of the Xanax is a factor. Regardless I plan to talk to my psychatrist soon and I’m thinking of going to see an Endocrinologist to double check that all my chemistry is good. See I have a plan. LOL

I’ve been using the laptop a lot more and getting more writing done. I’m on Chapter 3 of Guardians and I actually finished mostof my plot points and wrote the ending in my head the other night. For the most part I feel like all that’s left to do is just write it. A very interesting feeling since it’s the first time I’ve felt that way. LOL

Other then those things….that’s about all that’s going on. Puppycat has been a wonderful companion and I’m feeling very blessed to have him around. (Thanks Tat!) I’m looking foward to more outside activities. I’m hoping to go ice skating soon now that my fricken sinus and ear infection is primarily over.

I have links I’m going to post soon so be on the look out for that. For now I just wanted to get something posted.

A TC episode is also coming to explain why I’m asking and where I’m at! It’ll be a good one. I’m really hyped about progress!

More then anything I need to know if you’d feel gyped if an episode was under 15 mins. Thanx!

Btw…I’m participating in a new blog doing video blogs at the moment. If you’d like to see go to http://www.atomalon.com

Anyway, I’m still sick and when we went to lay down I tossed and turned and coughed. So I got up so I wouldn’t wake him up and thought maybe I could do a little work while I was still awake. My machine was slow so I rebooted and rooted around for anything that might be slowing it down. Found some files in the delete bin…got lost for a few minutes. It left me feeling really really ill so I rebooted and used the time to just calm my stomach down, get my head straight, focus. I looked above my desk while I waited and saw two things that called to me. 1) A piece of paper I just taped up the other day that Daddy brought home for me. 2) My tarot cards…this deck is for when I need to do a reading and I’m at my desk.

They were both important and good for me to remember. They won’t fully make sense to you probably…but they do to me and I think in the future…some day I”m gonna look back on this post and go…”oh yeah…right!” and smile. That’s the hope anyway. I’ve made it impossible not to read ahead…I know….but I don’t really care much right now. LOL

The cards:
1) Tell me what lays ahead:
Eight of Swords Reversed, The Empress, The Knight of Cups, The Nine of Pentacles, The Queen of Swords

2) Is this really true?
Four of Cups, The Wish Card (Nine of Cups), Two of Pentacles, Eight of Pentacles Reversed, Ten of Pentacles

The Paper:
Failure is Never Final
Failure is never final! The only time you can’t afford to fail is the very last time you try. Failure doesn’t mean I’m a failure; it just means I haven’t yet succeeded. Failure doesn’t mean I have accomplished nothing; it just means I’ve learned something. Failure doesn’t mean I’ve been a fool; it just means I had enough faith to experiment. Failure doesn’t mean I’ve been disgraced; it just means I dared to try. Failure doesn’t mean I don’t have what it takes, it just means I must do things differently next time. Failure doesn’t mean I’m inferior; it just means I’m not perfect. Failure doesn’t mean I’ve wasted my time; it just means I have reason to start over. Failure doesn’t mean I should give up; it just means I must try harder. Failure doesn’t mean I’ll never make it; it just means I need more patience. Failure doesn’t mean I’m wrong; it just means I must find a better way.