The King of Lists

Top 7 Swimming Pool Mistakes

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 15:09:00 +0000

1 Diving head first into the shallow end
2 Humping the drain
3 Peeing in the pool is okay, but peeing INTO the pool...
4 After the first bite you realize that it really was not a Baby Ruth
5 Belly Flops
6 Throwing the cat in with you!
7 Trying out your new concrete "swimming shoes"

Top 7 Reasons Why Being Immortal Sucks

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:13:00 +0000

1 Blowing out all those candles
2 After the first 1000 years its all the same
3 Never discover the 'mystery of death'
4 Everyone you ever loved will die before you
5 If you had aids, man you're screwed
6 An eternity of alimoney
7 Just TRY and withdraw from the account you opened 140 years back.

Top 5 Banned Board Games

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:39:00 +0000

1 Scene It? Pornography
2 Don't Rape Daddy!
3 Clue: Special Victims Unit
4 Monopoly: Mobster Edition
5 The Game of Death

Top 20 Myths That Aren't Likely To Be On Mythbusters Anytime Soon - Part 02/02

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 14:38:00 +0000

11 The truth about Jamie's mustache.
12 Is Adam smarter than a fifth-grader?
13 Do goldfish bounce?
14 Does chewing gum really lose its flavor?
15 Just how much junk does Adam have in his home?
16 Who the Sam Hill is Sam Hill?
17 Is Buster the only dummy at M5?
18 Is there a law against talking in elevators?
19 The Way of the Weasel: Is it TRUE?
20 Killer Videotapes

Top 20 Myths That Aren't Likely To Be On Mythbusters Anytime Soon - Part 01/02

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 14:26:00 +0000

1 Alka-Seltzer and Seagulls: Eplosively funny
2 Can you really kick out the rear window of a cop car in high heels?
3 How many ways are there to skin a cat?
4 What is the fastest way to break up a fight?
5 How many ways can a cookie crumble?
6 How many Mythbusters can squeeze into a VW Beetle?
7 Can you really blow up Parliament ala Guy Fawkes?
8 Is it possible to kill a man using Christmas garland from the tree?
9 Rice and birds...
10 Just how weird is the Large Intestine Guy?

Top 20 Symptoms Of Being In Love

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 01:07:00 +0000

1. Sudden fascination with bands you couldn't stand last week
2. You change your underwear more often
3. Even Trigonometric equations remind you of *HER*
4. You can talk to women without wondering what they look like naked
5. Difficulty focussing on your wor.. What was I doing again?
6. Suddenly no extra money
7. Swallowing instead of spitting
8. He'll hold your purse, even in front of the guys
9. Carpet burns in strange places...
10. Extreme paranoia
11. Logic center of brain temporarily shut down
12. You finally have a reason to spend all day in bed
13. Inablity to wipe the smug smile from ur face
14. Painful postponement of flatulent outbursts
15. No need to exercise - you've attracted a mate
16. People wonder what is different about you
17. Being turned down by her seems like the end of the world
18. Unexplained Happiness
19. You see her face on almost every woman everywhere you go
20. The D on your physics test no longer bothers you

Dalai Lama : Instructions for Life!

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 03:09:00 +0000

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:

Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realise you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Top 20 Things Your Wife Really Means When She Says "Not Tonight, I Have A Headache"

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 11:15:00 +0000

1. I'm still tired after this afternoon's session with the delivery guy.
2. You didn't help with the housework, this is your punishment.
3. My lawyer is currently drafting the papers.
4. I don't find you all that attractive anymore.
5. Not tonight, I have a headache.
6. I already slept with your brother and your just as bad
7. I don't feel like preteding to have an orgy
8. Take a cold shower
9. You forgot our Anniversary again
10. You make me nauseous each and everytime you touch me.
11. Your smell is giving me a headache.
12. I'm constipated
13. I'm still a little raw after that Hockey team
14. I've gotten enough from my lover to compensate for your inadequacy.
15. Instead, let's cuddle and watch a movie about two large intestines in love.
16. Just go in the bathroom and spank it
17. She already did it with the mail man today
18. The mail man was great
19. The Milkman gave me the Bottle today
20. You will never see me naked again

Top 20 Things To Do If Your Girlfriend Says "I Love You"

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 01:00:00 +0000

1. Aks her to repeat it, but with the words "Glorious One" included.
2. Mutter, "Damn! What's my wife gonna say about this?"
3. Fake epileptic seizure.
4. Tell her she needs to know you really love her brother, Barry.
5. distract her by throwing your shoe out the window and make a run for the door.
6. say it back
7. Have hot "Just-Said-I-Love-You" sex.
8. Mention the words "Menage a trois"
9. Nod vacantly and back away slowly.
10. Say "god bless you" and ask if she has a cold
11. say" thats what hannah said last week"
12. Bring her back to the Mental ward
13. Fart
14. Leave the "I Love You" hanging like a Florida chad.
15. Replace her wiring.
16. Snore.
17. give her the thumbs up and smile
18. Ignore her
19. Just say I know and continue on
20. Slow the car down to 50 and leap out.

Top 20 Symptoms Of Being In Love

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 13:03:00 +0000

Top 20 Barbie Dolls That You Most Likely Haven't Seen On Store Shelves

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 00:52:00 +0000

1. Drag Queen Ken (Comes with three, count 'em, three, of Barbie's dresses.)
2. Bulemic Barbie (Feed her, then make her throw it back up!)
3. Burqua Barbie (Complete with black dress and veil that hides all but her eyes)
4. Divorce Barbie (includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's crap)
5. Hippie Chick Barbie (with bell bottoms, protest sign and controlled substances
6. Rehab Barbie (comes with pal Lindsay)
7. Chain Smoker Barbie (complete tiny cigarette butts and lung x-rays)
8. Crack-Whore Barbie (comes with fun paint-on bruising kit).
9. Hooker Barbie (complete with pimp Ken)
10. Manic Depressive Barbie (with a set of Oriental throwing knives)
11. Lactating Barbie (complete with milk stains on Barbie's shirt and crying baby)
12. Trailer Park Barbie
13. Anatomically Correct Barbie
14. Bladder Control Barbie (comes with a free box of Depends undergarments)
15. Emo barbie (includes 3, yes 3, micro razor blades, and a MCR cd)
16. Goth Girl Barbie with black hair and lipstick, dog collar & 20-hole Doc Martens
17. Large intestine Barbie
18. Slut barbie
19. Amputee Barbie
20. Paris Hilton Barbie (includes easy to remove clothes and video camera)

Top10 Answers To "How Does Bill Gates Change A Light Bulb?

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 09:01:00 +0000

1. He doesn't; instead he declares darkness the industry standard.
2. Buys the company and orders the Board of Directors to change it
3. He first asks for the light bulb's registration number.
4. He holds onto the light bulb and lets the world revolve beneath him.
5. His first change would be a proprietary base incompatible with standard fixture
6. Insists that if one wants light one need only open windows.
7. He doesn't, he gives the old one a new color and calls it "Light Bulb XP"
8. Makes bulb without filament, bulb with filament called "bulb plus!"
9. Steals new bulb, pays cops $10,000 to look the other way.
10. (while rocking) That bulb Works! Don't you dare tell me it doesn't!

Top 25 Things Bill Gates Would Say to a Homeless Person

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 01:25:00 +0000

1. Get a job, Linux hippie.
2. But how can i own your soul if you don't have a computer?
3. Before I give you food, you'll have to upgrade to IE 6.0
4. You will code for food eh? (evil manical laugh).
5. Steve? Steve Jobs, is that you?
6. I lost $11 Billion last year, I can't spare a dime!
7. If no doors open for you, look for Windows
8. My new tablet pc would be great for a "will work for food" sign
9. "So... You make UNDER $18,000,000 annually? How?"
10. Sure you can have some change... Can ya break a $1000?
11. Not enough money to buy bread? Then why not just eat cake?
12. I made the X-Box and I won't stop. I'll see you in 4 years!
13. I pay $1000 per Apple and Linux delvoper and penguin killed.
14. Here's a free license for Windows XP Professional
15. Well, wouldn't YOU like to borrow some money?
16. Buy a home, put a computer in it, and install my software... You bum!
17. I bet you're sorry you worked for Apple, huh?
18. "Smooth move, Hammer!"
19. How much would it cost to add you to my collection of human souls?
20. Mua ha ha ha ha
21. "No, Mr. Jackson, not until you release a GOOD album!"
22. If only you temps hadn't have sued you wouldn't be laid off after a year
23. I'll 20 bucks for your soul.
24. Sorry buddy, all my pocket change is in 1000$ bills.
25. "you shouldn't have had that family, Ted, or you'd be a VP now."

Top 20 Moments You Realize Your Partner Is No Good In Bed

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 04:08:00 +0000

1. He asks if his mom can watch to make sure he is doing it right
2. He keeps calling his mom asking what to do next
3. He brings a pump, magazine and a bottle of viagra to bed
4. They can't believe they are finally seeing breasts in person
5. She shouts keep that icky white stuff away from me
6. You start the new john grisham novel while having sex
7. He asks you to do a threesome with his blow up doll
8. Keeps humping your leg.
9. She just lies there
10. She brings a coach with her
11. When he asks, "is it in yet?"
12. She tells you that she is saving herself for marriage
13. Tells you this is the first time he has not been with a hooker
14. They finish before you even get started
15. When your excuses have gone from 'headache' to 'new sesame street episode'.
16. You fall asleep.
17. She falls asleep
18. During oral sex..."ow, my eye!"
19. She has a headache
20. Your partner is a jar of vaseline and a baseball glove.

Top 20 Things You Would Expect To Hear Over Hell's PA System

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 11:20:00 +0000

1. Hitler, you tank is incorrectly parked
2. Satan, party of four
3. Today's weather, 600 degrees with no chance of rain. Ever
4. Jefferey Dahmer to kitchen, please
5. The Red zone is for unloading of the eternally damned only.
6. Todays temperature "hot" and tomorrow we are predicting "damn hot"
7. Would the owner of the Pale Horse please remove it from Satan's lawn,thank you
8. Satan, you have a call on line one. It's God- should I ask him to hold?
9. Would Pat Robertson please report to the main office?
10. Mr. Bin Laden please report to Torment for your bacon grease and glass enema
11. Satan, your mother is on line two.
12. The ice machine is still broken so stop asking about it.
13. Barney Please report to the 7th layer
14. Paging George W. Bush. Paging George W. Bush.
15. Tonight we hear the singing of...Jessica Sinmpson!
16. "We just got in a shipment of free Celine Dion cds!"
17. We would like to remind you once again of our no "ice skating in hell" policy
18. Lemonade lemonade, too bad you can't have some ice cold lemonade
19. Mmm bop
20. Tommorow will be extreme heat punctuated by occasinail spouts of absoulate zero

Top 10 Reasons That Shaving Is A Good Idea

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 09:08:00 +0000

1. Hairy feet are only cool on hobbits
2. When a glimpse of your bikini bottom reminds you of Larry from the 3 Stooges
3. Three days of stubble make you look like a composite sketch
4. Crab infestations
5. No one wants to look like Fidel Castro
6. The werewolf look is so twentieth century...
7. Back hair sticks to the couch like velcro.
8. It's never good when you can grate cheese on your face
9. Keeps new life forms from evolving on your face
10. the "where are my keys???" situation over and over again

Top 20 Lesser Remembered Internet Acronym Definitions

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 08:57:00 +0000

1. Winraf (Well, I'm not really a female)
2. Ntbuswab (Not to bring up Star Wars again, but)
3. Emwipyombl (excuse me while I put you on my blocked list)
4. Hcp (Help call police)
5. 18/F/NYC (47/M/Detroit)
6. Omgidmso (Oh My God, I dropped my strapon)
7. Rstm (read the stupid manual)
8. TNAWIAM That's not a woman, It's a man!
9. Wombat (Waste Of Money Brains And Time)
10. Ghmtihctbaltyy (guess how many times i have claimed to be 20 yrs younger
11. IFTIAM I forgot what the internet acronyms mean
12. IJDIMP (I just downloaded in my pants)
13. ITFRS - It's not freaking rocket science
14. Asswipe (Alzheimers strikes suddenly when internet peeps emote)
15. Yngwijsomk (You'll never guess what I just spilled on my keyboard)
16. IANAQP, (I am not a quantum physicists) but
17. Iscgmfbootc (I seriously can\'t get my fat butt out of this chair)
18. L (lugash)
19. Vms -- very much so
20. ISPWOSO (Institute to slowly and painfully work out the surprisingly obvious).

Top 33 Tattoos Bill Gates Might Have

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 02:58:00 +0000

1. The Flying Window logo
2. A bloody penguin
3. "640kb" on his penis, because in his mind, it ought to be enough for anyone
4. Clippit (the Microsoft Office paperclip)
5. "Billion$" spelled accross his fingers so you see it when he shows his fists.
6. Blue Screen of Death
7. Byte me.
8. Calvin (of "Calvin & Hobbes") peeing on the Macintosh logo
9. The face of Rich Uncle Penny Bags (from monopoly)
10. Born To Monopolize
11. A Human Head with a boot crushing it
12. Lips on his butt
13. "Monopoly or Bust"
14. All your base are belong to us
15. Nerds Rule!!
16. Super Mario bleeding to death, with "Die Nintendo Die" written around him
17. MS Dos forever
18. 100011101100100101001
19. Gothic-lettered "Bug Life", across abdomen
20. A heart with mom written inside it
21. FTC logo with a knife through it
22. Heart with "Born to Own It All" inscription
23. -$-
24. Don't use Linux!!!
25. 666
26. Digital Bling Bling King with a Microsoft window thing under it
27. Instead of "Mom", it says "Parental Unit"
28. I am so rich!!! HAHAHA!! (on his forehead)
29. "My income exceeds my ego by mere bytes."
30. A dos prompt, C:>
31. Die IBM die!!! (across his chest)
32. Bar codes & Serial Numbers

Top 20 Things Found In George Bush's Christmas Stocking

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 11:10:00 +0000

1. 2005 Version of the game Risk
2. Cowboy Dress-Up set
3. Pretzels
4. The missing Ohio ballots
5. Economics For Dummies book
6. Hooked On Phonics gift set.
7. Coal
8. Notification that his job has been outsourced to Bombay
9. His contract with the devil
10. The brain he misplaced twenty years ago.
11. Spongebob Squarepants Season One DVD set
12. Weapons of mass destuction.
13. Lint
14. "Spelling and Vocabulary for Dummies"
15. human souls, in case hes hungry
16. A bag of sh!t
17. His balls... hopefully.
18. My large intestine
19. A lump of coal
20. Donald Rumfeild's letter of resignation

Top 20 Suggested Epitaphs For George W. Bush's Tombstone

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 11:20:00 +0000

1. Democracy Was Getting Old Anyway
2. I Put The "Duh" In W
3. You Misunderestimated Me
4. Honey I Shrunk The Surplus
5. Of The Rich, By The Rich, For The Rich
6. This Is My Final Contribution to The Environment
7. Gone Away, Owin' More Than he Could Pay
8. here lies not an idiot for a village, but for an entire nation
9. One last vacation
10. Twit Happened
11. Austin looks a lot different from here.
12. Born To Kill, Born To Drill
13. Here lies the first weasel to gain world power.
14. Bush may be lying here, but he may also be AWOL
15. God's a woman? I am so screwed.
16. Underneath this sod lies another
17. A New Look That Suits Him Well
18. Don't Mess With Texas, Mess With His Grave
19. Engrave a bullseye on Bush's tombstone!
20. He had a way with words.

Top 25 Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be A Barbie Doll

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 12:48:00 +0000

1. No vagina
2. Tattoo on her butt says "made in taiwan"
3. She can't walk upright because of her measurements
4. All she has to do to put her makeup on is rub her face with a wet sponge.
5. Ratcheting elbows and knees make distinctive clicking sounds, when bent.
6. She's only twelve inches tall
7. She's over 50 years old, but she doesn't look a day over 25
8. Her boobs are hard and plastic like, but she doesn't have implants
9. The tattoo that says 'mattel'
10. You are a eunuch named ken
11. When you push on her head, it caves in.
12. Has 4 sisters and no parents
13. Her ears are pierced, but you notice the earrings go straight into her head.
14. The painted on panties is a dead giveaway
15. No nipples.
16. She doesn't own a bra
17. Her hand melted when she put it on the microwave
18. Living in a one square foot "dream house"
19. She's literally made out of plastic
20. She asks you what country north dakota is in
21. You can brush her ghair and take her every where
22. She someday hopes to own her "dreamhouse" in malibu.
23. You submit list items (wow, you guys know too much about barbies)
24. She puts stickers on herself when she tans.
25. Faked smile is painted on her face.

Top 16 Signs Your Date Is Not Having A Good Tim

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 12:09:00 +0000

1. She went to "powder her nose" 3 hours ago.
2. Came to the beach with you ... Leaves with red-haired guy carrying a pay phone
3. Each time you speak, she spins the chamber and pulls the trigger
4. Looks at you then downs another shot of tequilla.
5. You spot her adding items to this list.
6. You've already been smacked by her 3 times
7. The paramedics say she is flatlining
8. She notices your wedding ring
9. Constantly looks at her watch.
10. She accepts another guys number at the bar
11. She just dumped her drink over your head
12. You are Jar Jar Binks
13. You're both in prison
14. She is a Raiderette cheerleader and you are a Denver Broncos fan
15. She finds her celery more entertaining then you - gives you no eye contact
16. She is naked on the floor

Top 27 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New Girlfriend

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 11:50:00 +0000

1. I'm just two operations away from being a complete woman.
2. You're my first since the operation!
3. I have 5 kids... Can they call you dad?
4. That will be $50. Leave it on the dresser on your way out.
5. That's funny ... Your brother never had that problem with me ...
6. My ex just made parole.
7. Abstainance is the only 100% effective form of birth control
8. After meeting your parents, "Hey, that's my dad too!"
9. Are you ready for commitment? And Marriage? And babies? My clocks tickin!
10. Those "increase your penis size" pills really do work! Wanna try some?
11. Ya, the operation was a big success. Even I can't tell I used to be a guy!
12. Honey... We need to talk...
13. The test came back positive...
14. Bet mine's bigger than yours
15. Do you have a sister?!
16. I have a thing for fat guys
17. Is it in yet?
18. That was it?
19. We need to talk.
20. Whose bra is this?
21. About the results of her prostate exam
22. Lets try something new, you put on a dress, bend over and i'll put this on...
23. "Back when I was in the mental ward..."
24. I love you
25. I'm your daughter
26. "that's all you've got?"
27. Eueeeww whats that?

Top 25 Things You Don't Want Your Girlfriend To Find

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 01:45:00 +0000

1. Your wife
2. A better man
3. Naked pictures of her roommate sleeping.
4. The test results
5. Another girl's panties in your car.
6. Her best friend in your lap
7. Your boyfriend
8. A framed picture of your last ex.
9. Religion...
10. List of things I don't like about her
11. A Fat chixxx magazine under your bed.
12. Those videos of her that you accidentally shared on kazaa
13. You in bed with her sister
14. Phone numbers of your 3 other Girlfriends.
15. Receipt from www.realdoll.com
16. A Dildo That Couuddles Afterward
17. About those sexual inspiration group orgies you've been attending
18. One condom missing from the box.
19. Those private naughty pics you took of her and submitted to 8 adult websites
20. Your realdoll
21. Your stash of midget porn
22. Find out that the 2 of you are cousins
23. Your stash of Playgirls.
24. 3 dead hookers in your trunk.
25. A 1-900 number on the phone bill.

Top 25 Anti Bush Bumper Stickers

noreply@blogger.com (Lucas) — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 09:02:00 +0000

1. It takes a village idiot
2. More Trees Less Bush
3. Leave No Billionaire Behind
4. One person One Vote* May not apply in all states
5. Putting the "Con" in Conservative.
6. (re)defeat bush
7. Another Bush Another Recession
8. Bush Cheney 2004 Farewell Tour
9. Even Lesbians hate this Bush.
10. I wasn't using my civil liberties anyway
11. If you had oil, we'd care about you to
12. Keep America green: Transplant a Bush to Texas.
13. Mission accomplished - NOT
14. Regime Change Begins At Home
15. Regime change starts at home
16. Someone voted for Bush and all I got was this lousy recession
17. Why change horsemen mid-apocalypse?
18. Bush/Satan 2004
19. Lick Bush Beat D!ck
20. Who did vote for an idiot twice?
21. Don't trust Florida to choose the president
22. i protest
23. The village of Crawford, Texas is missing its idiot.
24. The Shrub needs to be uprooted
25. Bu** Sh**