Lookin' Good

Thu, 17 May 2007 17:52:33 -0500

Hello. This is your man, Dave Hill, AKA the King of Miami, AKA dude who is pretty f%#king sweet in general. Anyway, as you probably know, we (and when I say we, I mean you and me and the rest of North America) are two episodes into my exciting new program and it has been pretty exciting for everyone involved, myself included. I am getting used to life as a high-definition television sensation and all the clapping and waving and stuff that happens whenever I walk down the street as a result of my newfound stardom. Sometimes I want my life back but I realize there is no turning back. I was born for this s%#t. Plus, if you don't want to take over the world, you don't just go having incredible hair like I do, do you now? I knew what I was getting into.

Speaking of life as a public figure, I have heard rumors that there is a huge billboard of Zane Lamprey, star of some show that is not as good as mine, on the side of a building at the corner of 6th Avenue and 23rd Street in New York City. If you are anything like me, I realize the temptation might be to deface this unreasonably large image of Zane. However, as a public figure and person of influence not unlike the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I would ask you to please not endanger yourself and/or others by trying to vandalize this billboard in your spare time (unless of course you think you can pull it off without getting into too much trouble, in which case I say go for it).

Getting back to me and my incredible program however, this week's episode features all sorts of excitement, including but not limited to my interview with Dr. Constantino Mendieta, Miami's (and the world's as far as I am concerned) foremost plastic surgeon specializing in butt sculpting. He is pretty incredible and also really nice. A lot of times in life you might think that we are stuck with the butts we were given by Jesus, but thanks to Dr. Mendieta that is no longer the case. As I learned from my intense one-on-one sitdown (no pun intended - actually, I'm not sure if that is really a pun, but you know what I mean) with Dr. Mendieta, pretty much anything is possible once you let Dr. Mendieta get his hands on your ass. He even showed me three women whose asses he had transformed and I have to admit they were really something. Neither the ladies nor Dr. Mendieta would let me touch them, but as far as I could tell they were really top notch asses. It was almost like they were from outer space or the future or something.

As for my own ass, Dr. Mendieta thought he might even be able to improve on my ass, which seemed impossible but he swore he could do it. After all, he is the ass master. In the end (no pun intended), I just decided to end things on a handshake however. Who knows though- maybe someday I will let Dr. Mendieta go to town on my ass. I mean hey- why not? Am I right or am I right? Or am I right?

Okay, that pretty much covers it for now. I will be in touch again shortly. In the meantime, why not become my close personal friend on MySpace at www.myspace.com/davehillexplosion ? The future is now!

Your man,

Dave Hill AKA the King of Miami

Ready to rule the #!$$* out of Miami

Thu, 17 May 2007 11:54:25 -0500

Hello. This is Dave Hill, the guy from the soon-to-be wildly popular program "The King of Miami with Dave Hill," which - as rumored on the Internet and also on some ads on the sides of telephone booths and stuff across North America - will be debuting on the futuristic MOJO television network on Monday, May 7 at 9:30pm. Yeah, I know, I'm pretty excited about it too. I mean, not only is it an incredible television show, but it is also in the futuristic high definition television format, which honestly I can't even wrap my head around sometimes. I hope I look as incredible in high definition as I do when I'm just sitting around my apartment and stuff. I guess it is really for the people to decide in the end though. And by the people, I mean you and then also a bunch of other people besides you who I am hoping will totally watch my show.

Anyway, it is at this point that you're probably wondering whether I have any wild behind-the-scenes stories from the making of my incredible television program "The King of Miami with Dave Hill." And to that I say yes, yes I do. But let's not get into that right now. I'll save all of that for another entry, once we've had a chance to get to know each other and stuff. I can't wait.

One thing I will talk about is the making of that incredible promo-type thing that you can watch on this website where me and all the guys from the other shows are totally cruising through the desert and then standing there looking all badass and all of that. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret here- I'm the only one who did his own driving. The other guys were all taking naps in the fancy trailers that the show business people dragged out to the middle of the desert for us that day - even Dr. Danger, who you'd think would have maybe taken off his skirt and hopped on the back of a motorcycle for a couple laps but whatever. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not calling Zane Lamprey a whuss or anything. That's not what this is about. I’m just saying that if you want to know which star of a MOJO television program goes the extra distance for you, the viewer, you're talking to him (or you are reading what I'm typing or whatever. You know what I mean.) Not willing to do their own driving aside, however, I will say that all the guys from all the other shows are really great guys, even Zane once you get to know him and are able to get past all sorts of things. I will say that Dr. Danger kind of scares me though. I think it's the glasses (and a bunch of other stuff too. But mostly the glasses. And then some other stuff besides the glasses.)

I should probably point out that I have the flu right now as I'm typing this, so between the medicine, the chocolate milk, the circus peanuts, and whatever else I could get my hands on, I am fairly delirious right now and would rather not be held accountable for anything I say here. Okay, I just wanted to get that out of the way. Let's continue.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, me. Another thing I really enjoyed recently aside from making my own soon-to-be-wildly popular television program "The King of Miami with Dave Hill" was making the incredible music video for my show that you can totally watch on this website whenever you want. The video was a lot of fun to make. There were snacks and everything and whenever I wanted one of those little bottles of water, dammit, somebody got me one of those little bottles of water. That's classy. That's MOJO.

We shot the video in some weird warehouse in Queens (or Brooklyn. I forget. Remember I am out of my gourd right now) where each room was made to look totally different. There was a room that was a subway car, a room that was a prison cell, a room that was like a dungeon from medieval times or something, a room that was from the future, and then a bunch of other rooms besides those. You get it. Anyway, we shot most of the video in a big room that you probably could have fit an airplane into if you wanted (not sure why we didn't. That would have been pretty cool now that I'm sitting here thinking about it.). It was me, Phil, and those three really pretty girls who, as you can probably imagine, were all hands. And even though the video is only a couple minutes long, Phil was running around in that Speedo for about two hours. He stuffs by the way. Let's just get that out of that way right now.

Well, that about covers it for this entry. In the coming days and weeks and stuff, I will continue to write (or "blog" as the kids say) on these pages and give you a little glimpse into my world both inside and outside of being the guy who is the star of the most incredible television program that has ever existed ever. I hope you'll come back and read it and stuff. Also, if you have any questions for me, Dave Hill AKA the King of Miami AKA your new best friend, please feel free to write in via this website or something and maybe they will send it to me and I will totally answer it. There must be some e-mail address somewhere or something. I don't know- just click around.

Until next time, I would like to restate the fact that my incredible television program "The King of Miami with Dave Hill" is totally going to be on MOJO on Monday, May 7 at 9:30. Please watch the ---- out of that ----. Also, I would encourage you to watch all the other fine programs on the channel. Just leave it on all the time. ---- it. You paid for that big fancy TV you might as well get some goddamn use out of it. What the hell is your problem anyway?

Your man,

Dave Hill

King of Miami on MOJO

Lookin' Good

Ready to rule the #!$$* out of Miami