So come join me! I’ll post about pregnancy, motherhood, food, exercise, and ways to cut the toxins and excess from our lives.

I’ll still be posting here too, about everything else!

Thanks for your support, friends!

But joy comes from something outside of ourselves. It’s a gift that reminds you there’s a bigger story unfolding, a loving God who knows you and speaks life into existence, and a peace that comes when you realize shit happens, but beautiful, amazing things do too (and you can’t really control any of it). Joy can’t be conjured up or staged or planted. Or explained, I think.

So here are some pictures in lieu of my attempt to explain joy. This is the first three months of our baby’s life, captured with my iPhone.

Read about the first stage of childbearing: Agreement.
Read about the second stage of childbearing: Peace.
Read about the third stage of childbearing: Adjusting.

But you do throw a totally awesome surprise party for your husband’s 30th birthday. I was only able to do it by the help of some good friends and family. It. was. awesome.

Here are the invitations I created. The surprise was kept under wraps, and he was completely shocked when we walked into the wine bar and everyone yelled out, “Surprise!”

To make the perforation, I used a sewing machine without thread. Actually, my mom did, because she’s a whiz at sewing.

Each ticket got the guest a glass of Colorado wine or a bottle of Colorado beer. Not too shabby!

And now for the best part, the photo booth. I giggle every time I look at these pictures. Love them.

The birth story, the nursery pictures and the rest of the childbearing stages to come … later.

I’ve been too busy gazing at a little button nose and tiny tootsies to do much blogging!

I go from laughing to crying in a matter of seconds, and back again. A comment can encourage me one day, and the very same comment might fill me with self-doubt and anxiety the next. My husband gets the brunt of it. … Not that all of his remarks would even be appreciated by a non-pregnant me. Below are four things he has really said to me — most of them more than once — and the thought process that led me to my emotion.

When he saw this, he said it’s also a good indicator of my overall emotional state – bright, expressive lines going every which way in jumbled chaos. I’m not sure how I feel about that …

But I can say that I’m adjusting to the here and now, being pregnant.

I expect to wake up three times a night, parched and bladder-filled. I know that before I fall asleep and before I wake up, baby will be kicking/punching on both sides of my belly in her most aggressive routine. Pregnancy is the new norm: I have less wine and more whine, and thankfully my husband has also adjusted (by way of trips to Little Man Ice Cream and letting me cry on his shoulder for no other reason than I feel like it.)

This adjustment stage means seeing my body differently than I ever have in the past. Watching your body change drastically in nine months can be traumatic. Escaping the cultural expectations and goals for beauty is no easier when pregnant, even though their superficiality seems even more shallow in light of the deep mystery and timeless gift of childbearing. But I’ll admit: a rounder face, softer body, incessant breakouts and steady weight gain can call into question what it means to be a woman, much less a beautiful woman.

Instead of mourning the loss of my maternity pants that are already too small (seriously?!) or scheming and planning a workout plan now to achieve my pre-pregnancy body after baby comes, I want to celebrate my body now. That’s why I got henna on my belly. An ancient practice, women often decorate their belly with henna during the third trimester for its calming, soothing effects (much like a Western pedicure) or to ward off evil spirits and protect the mother and child. My henna was a fun way to rejoice in the miracle growing inside me.

My body may never be the same, and that’s as it should be, because I will never be the same. I’m adjusting to the idea that motherhood, like all of life, is a continual process and the only way to prepare for what’s to come is to embrace what’s happening now. For me, that means cucumber-infused water is the new Cabernet Sauvignon, sensible wedges are the new sexy stilletos and a secretly decorated belly is the new delicate lingerie (because who am I kidding — granny panties are my friend now).

Read about the first stage of childbearing: Agreement.
Read about the second stage of childbearing: Peace.

But before I got pregnant, before we even considered starting a family, I was gripped by fear. Fear of getting pregnant and having something growing in my body and all the things that can go wrong and — gasp! — how to get the thing out of my body and then how to be a parent for the rest of my life. For someone who likes order, control and predictable situations, pregnancy is terrifying and parenting is out of the question.

Thankfully, I’ve been learning that control is just a facade, and my perceived control is damaging to my spirit. Letting go and trusting God is how we’re meant to live.

I think I entered the second stage of childbearing, peace, when I realized how little control I have over anything. Baby started fluttering, and reminded me that she’s in there, growing and developing and training for a soccer tournament upon her arrival, judging by the kicking that’s going on now. I didn’t do anything to teach her to move or position her in my body so she could kick my bladder so accurately. I didn’t attach her to me so she could be nourished. I didn’t make sure that my pulled pork sandwich (yum …) would be the perfect amount of protein to feed us both. That was all by design and guided (and controlled) by God. How else can it be explained?

Walking through the aisles of a book store, it’s clear that this stage has an ugly other side that likes to rear its head: anxiety. There are a bagillion books that tempt soon-to-be-parents’ desire for control. Everything from what not to eat during pregnancy, how to exercise, what music to expose your growing belly to, how to potty train your baby before she’s a year old, what to do now to have the most perfect baby and situation for the rest of your life … It’s exhausting.

Of course there are things that we need to do now to prepare for parenting, and taking care of my body is in my control and should be taken seriously. But I am embracing the peace of child bearing, knowing that things can and will go wrong, I’ll make mistakes and baby will not be perfect because I drank just the right amount of raspberry leaf tea. I have peace because this is ultimately God’s handiwork and not mine. Takes a lot of the pressure off.

… Just not the pressure on my bladder; that’s still there.

Read about The first stage of childbearing:  Agreement here.