Kit kats and all that jazz

Observations in a Coffeeshop

2017-03-29T15:29:00.002-07:00

The boy sitting beside me seems tortured by the notebook in front of him. He keeps toying with his pencil, setting it determinedly to the paper, and then lifting it again, sniffing, leaning back, and looking around. It’s almost as if he’s waiting for someone to come in and tell him what he needs to write down. He’s quiet, barely breathing when he finally sets to writing, but then suddenly he’d be overcome with a bout of thoughts, and he’d turn his pencil around and erase madly, and then the process begins all over again. He sharpens the pencil and watches the lead become pointed, and then tests it gently with his finger. With his right hand (for he’s lefthanded), he picks up the iced coffee patiently melting beside him and sips it. At first glance, he looks like just a student, in a colorful printed tank top and basketball shorts; but with a tool in hand and paper confronting him, he looks like a real writer--confused, unhappy, dissatisfied with every word that comes out.

Now he’s just staring at the page, reading and frowning and tapping his fingers of the table before he finally grows despondent. He looks as if he’s ready to give up. Then with a fervor, he picks up the pencil again and starts scratching at the notebook as if he’s on fire.

Now he’s put down the pencil and is sighing deeply into his hands, elbows on the table. His eyes plead with the page, but it yields nothing and he puts his face in his hands again. He shuts his eyes for a few seconds. He rubs the sides of his face, and his leg begins bouncing up and down. He sits there, coffee untouched, pencil in hand again, and contemplates.

Sitting further along the table is another young college student. She looks like a statue, sitting with her back straight and elbows bent at ninety-degree angles, but her fingers are flying across the keys as her gaze fixates on her laptop. She also seems wholly absorbed in her work, but unlike the boy she is unwavering and immensely focused. She’s not waiting for anyone or anything. Her fingers don’t hesitate.

The boy sneaks a glance over in one of his deep sighs, and he instantly becomes jealous of her.

She doesn’t notice, of course. The laptop has all her attention. Her lips part slightly as she leans forward a centimeter, like a vine crawling toward sunlight, and her eyes are unblinking. When her phone chimes, she doesn’t even notice. So absorbed is she that nothing can disturb her concentration.

The boy rests his forehead on his hand. He glares at the notebook. Leaning down, he opens the backpack by his chair and pulls out a laptop, and almost reluctantly he opens it. He taps at the keys a bit, and leans back, his face carved in frustration.

I just saw the page on which he’s writing. He’s just struggling with math homework.

Shower Thoughts

2017-03-26T16:57:00.001-07:00

I'm a bit more flexible than the average Joanna, so today while shaving my legs in the shower, I saw on the back of my thigh that I had a new mole. A surprise mole. A mole that wasn't part of me before, but now it's fully fledged and formed on my body for who knows how long. How did it get there? I haven't worn shorts in a while. And how have I never noticed it before, because I swear I shave on a fairly regular basis.

I moved my body back from its contorted position with my razor poised on the opposite leg. As I moved it up from ankle to knee, behold! Another mole awaited for me, this one raised. No, hold on, that's a...that's a scab. That's dried blood. Was I eight years old again and scraping my knees without noticing? My assumption has been that I would be consciously notified every time I bleed, but obviously this is not the case.

I suppose this could've been from the many occasions I've been practicing yoga in the mornings. I don't have a mat, so the carpet has been serving in its place, and maybe I got carpet burn at some point. Or perhaps I banged my knee on the coffee table and didn't find it memorable enough to check for bodily harm. It could happen. There was one time when I accidentally kicked the dresser by my bed and only realized ten minutes after that my sock was bloody and my toe throbbing. This probably paints me as someone who doesn't look after her body. I won't lie; that could be the case. As a martial artist, I have a high pain tolerance. Throbbing doesn't bother me.

Still, that scab confused me. But it shouldn't, when I think more on it. I'm doing stuff in the world, after all, active in all kinds of different ways and moving about. Even when I'm working specifically on my body and paying attention, I miss the ways it subtly evolves. So it's no wonder when I'm focusing on other things that parts of me still cut and bleed and heal and change and grow without my notice. I grow calluses on my feet when I walk, but I don't feel those. I practice writing everyday, but I haven't found improvement yet (or the opposite, thank goodness). I read and read and read for hours, hoping for enlightenment and a large brain and knowledge to seep in instantly and make me suddenly wiser, but honestly those growing pains sound terrible, and anyway they haven't come.

So I guess that mole and that scab are just evidence that I'm still alive. Which is nice. Being alive, I mean.

Reflections on bread

2016-03-06T15:46:00.003-08:00

How do I love bread? Let me count the ways:

Wheat, oats, grain - bread could be a celebration of the merry mixture of these three, of how the combinations of nutty and grainy and starchy can evoke different tastes and textures. Which type of grain? Which type of oat? Bread welcomes them all; and all fit comfortably in bread.

But linger not on what goes in to the creation because endless possibilities also lie on what goes on it. Perhaps some butter and honey, harvested from bees that have been feeding on the clover. Children may prefer peanut butter and jam preserves, strawberry or raspberry or even boysenberry. For a savory palate, cut a clove of garlic in half and rub it on a toasted slice of bread and top with freshly cut heirloom tomatoes and salt and pepper. For a sweet snack, have your bread with almond butter and sliced bananas.

Bread works not just as the main course but also can be used in dishes to create an even fuller, more divine experience. Imagine this: banana foster bread pudding. Or how about grilled cheese sandwiches dipped in tomato bisque. Leave out your loaf overnight, and even then the bread redeems itself the next morning with the promise of delicious French toast.

Just the simple mixture of flour and water and sugar, perhaps some yeast, perhaps some dried fruits or nuts - there are thousands of ways to prepare bread. Rest or no rest, bake or steam, it matters not.

But! Oh yes, there is a but. But! be wary of your lover.

Bread does not last forever.

It can be reduced to crumbs, and while that's not useless it is infinitely frustrating to clean up. It can go soggy very quickly, so don't leave it in wet mixture. It can turn black and burnt if you don't watch it tan in the toaster. It can turn stale as a rock and chip off your tooth.

But aren't all loves as flighty and capricious? Bread is also warm and loving and fragrant. Bread is toast is bread is love. So enjoy your bread - while you can.

How to Unwind on a Saturday Night

2016-03-05T19:54:00.002-08:00

While everyone else is out on the town, at the movies or at a bar, hanging out with friends, I decide to have a quiet night in and just relax. Just turn on the TV, cover myself with a warm blanket, and get Netflix on and marathon The Office. Can you believe I still haven't finished the series yet? It's going to happen tonight!

But first I decide to turn on the computer and check my email. See if there's anything interesting or important online. Maybe check the job boards, because who knows what's on there? Then I realize that I haven't applied for something I saw earlier this week, so I rush to open a Word doc and write a cover letter. I do some research on the company, look at my old cover letters, and labor over the spelling, grammar, and how the writing sounds. Oh, did I update my resume already? I double-check the email before I send, and then I find another listing I should check out. And another. It almost never ends. When were these posted? Oh gosh, there are just so many jobs to research and apply for. Okay, okay, I'll get to this later. Tomorrow. Maybe Monday. Anyway, I'm putting it off for now because tonight I'm finishing The Office.

So I bookmark a few pages I want to check back on and click off. Since my browser's open, I guess I'll just check what's on the Huffington Post. Really, this is what's happening in our world? Is Trump seriously the leading Republican candidate for the party right now? Why is Rubio making fun of his hands? This is what we've reduced to? I can't deal with this. Exit the window, exit now.

So I finally turn on the TV. I sit down and watch one episode, but I have to keep rewinding because my mind's on the job applications and the news coverage. I just can't concentrate. And soon I'm hungry and would like a snack. Ooh, maybe some cookies. Chocolate chip cookies! So I go to the fridge and take out two sticks of butter and two eggs, and then I begin to measure out flour and sugar in a bowl. Good thing I bought vanilla extract just yesterday, because we were out. I finish mixing up the dough with a light sheen of sweat on my brow, my arm tired now. In the fridge it goes now, perhaps until the oven finishes preheating.

I ready the cookie sheet by lining it with aluminum foil, but as I do so I pass all the used measuring cups and spoons and bowls, and I see that the sink is already full from the day. There is pasta sauce in some of those bowls, a hardened crust of something sticking to a plate, some leftover bits of meat and vegetables in a pan. I was basically baking in a room with a tub of dirty dishes right beside me. So I roll up my sleeves and turn on the water because I can't stand the look of them there. For good measure, I also wipe down the counter and refill the napkin holder. Then the oven finishes preheating, so I wash my hands again and roll out some dough balls to bake.

The leftover dough balls go back in the fridge, and I set the timer to go off in nine minutes. In the meantime, I pick up my old copy of Moby-Dick, an American classic that I've actually never read before. A pencil's already in my hand so I could take notes and underline parts of the text, and for a second I feel like I'm in school again, reading something dense and difficult that I definitely won't comprehend the first time around. Why am I doing this again? And why are they taking so long to get out on the sea? When do I get to the whale?

A smell reaches my nose and an alarm goes off somewhere. The cookies! I rush to the oven and open the door only to find black rounded shapes on the sheet. My alarm didn't go off for whatever reason, and now my cookies are burnt. I roll out more dough, my stomach angrily gurgling as I do so, and this time I check the clock on the microwave to make sure I knew when to check on the cookies if my timer doesn't go off again. Moby-Dick was a bad choice right now; I put it away.

I finally get the cookies out, and they've flattened so much more than I expected them to. Two dough balls had become one strange-looking cookie, and almost the whole sheet looks like that. I sigh. At least they'll taste fine, even if they look terrible.

I go back to the TV with my failed cookie in hand and a glass of milk, and turn on Netflix again because my PS3 signed me out. Time to de-stress after a stressful Saturday night now.

Sneezing

2015-10-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

The most terrifying times to sneeze

include:

Holding hot soup.

That's a danger. Especially if you're hungry, and the soup smells delicious, and you just cracked a bit of black pepper in it and am bringing it over to your table when suddenly your nose takes in some of that pepper too...

Driving.

Try keeping your eyes open. Then realize you'll fail, so slow down and keep your hands still on the steering wheel. Hope for a second one not to come.

Going through TSA.

I'm not sick! It's the pollen in the air, I swear. Ah ha, there's a dog nearby!

Washing a baby.

I'm assuming. I haven't done this.

Cooking.

Uh, you didn't see that.

Great times to sneeze

include:

When you're sick.

Sneeze-a-thons.

In the shower.

Where did it go? Who cares, keep washing.

A list of things related to tears

2015-10-13T10:35:00.002-07:00

What should make me cry

The Notebook

The Book Thief

Weddings

What actually makes me cry

The Rugrats Movie

This moment in Mulan

Onions

Delicious breakfast and School of Rock

2015-05-17T00:22:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

Today was a nice day, and I wanted to record it in a public place. Why? Because sometimes it's nice to share your joy with strangers, and why not?

My roommate and I woke up at 9:30ish today to get ready to go to another friend's house to make breakfast there for her. Well, at least we planned for breakfast. But breakfast turned into brunch, and by the time we left Safeway and actually got to her house, brunch just turned into lunch. What a sneak time is! It was 11:00 am when we arrived there, and we still actually had to make the food. Luckily, it was a snap and a half to make:

Preheat the oven and put in Pillsbury biscuits in to cook for 13 minutes.
Put a pan on medium-high heat and fry up some bacon.
Beat eggs and milk to maximum fluffiness and cook those suckers!
Assemble: Cut the biscuits in half and sandwich with sharp cheddar cheese, eggs, and bacon in between.
Enjoy with mango orange juice and pomegranate juice, and have some nicely washed blueberries and sweet tarts for dessert. (Credit for trying to be healthy there.)

We ate at the couch while watching Friends, and even though we didn't make a fancy meal (or really even a plan... it was all hastily put together), it was a good ol' time with friends. I also became friends with the grey cat my friend lives with.

I went to the library and got some more books, and then I just went home and chilled for the rest of the day. At night, my roommate and I decided to watch School of Rock because though I had misgivings (sorry, thought it looked stupid), she said she liked it and thought I would too. So I took a chance - and totally enjoyed myself! Rock music, children, and humor equals the perfect combination. It was a great way to end the night!

So now here I am in bed, reflecting on what a simple, unexciting, and yet great day it was. These kinds of days are totally underrated and should be appreciated more, so here I am, appreciating them.

I also booked two flights home for the next couple of months, so that's something else to look forward to. I've been feeling bouts of homesickness for a while now, and I think a week with my family should help with that. Uh, and did I mention that my little sister's graduating?! The only thing I'm not looking forward to is packing because I've got at least four, maybe five books I'm planning to bring for them (and two are hardbacks, noooo). The only times I lift are when I have to bring my bag to the airport.

I'll be leaving Monday after work. Can't wait!

Yesterday at work

2015-04-14T15:32:00.001-07:00

It was pretty unremarkable. I got in early, turned on what few lights we have working in the cave (aka our office), and clocked in. Checked my email, made a list of things to do for the day. You know, same-old.

I put my lunch in the mini-fridge and made myself some tea. Have you had 3:15 tea, the roasted milk tea flavor? You can buy it at Ranch 99. It's been my favorite for months now - how have I not discovered it before??

It began - and ended - like any other work day. But you know what was remarkable about yesterday?

It was the first Giants game of the year.

That means bustling crowds at noon, people draped head to toe in orange and black, a busier day for the restaurants and bars in the area.

It means that jerseys become the uniform for everyone, and families coming out in the middle of the day, and excitement brewing in the air, at least until the game begins and everyone's packed in the stadium.

It also means I end work and get stuck in masses of pedestrians walking back to BART. It means that even though I'm not a super fan, even though I can name probably two players on the team, even though I didn't know who the Giants were even playing, even though I am clearly dressed like I've just come from work, for ten minutes I'm with the crowd. I'm walking with the Giants fans, going to the same place to escape the city after its time. I'm one of them.

Long restless nights for me / Just want to lie down and sleep / Close my eyes, keep my mind free / Then maybe come the dreams

2015-03-17T01:30:00.001-07:00

It is currently 1:06 a.m. on a weekday (I used to say 'school night,' but now that doesn't seem appropriate anymore), and I'm still awake. Why? Not because I'm doing anything important or trying to reach a deadline; no, I'm not forced to stay awake for anything. I'm on YouTube listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Modest Mouse while going through the annotations for Mistborn on Brandon Sanderson's site. This would be normal - if it wasn't 1:06 in the morning. (Technically, it's now 1:08. Great.)

This is what I'd like to call insomnia. Or maybe it's stress. I can't tell. Night is the time of the day when I'm most awake, even when I'm tired from the rest of the day. Night is when my brain starts whirring and the wheels start turning, but still I try to quiet and slow it down by going to bed relatively early. I think to myself, If I close my eyes and get really nice and warm under the covers, maybe I'll fall asleep quickly. And then I spend maybe two hours tossing and turning in bed before finally drifting off to sleep. It takes a while. I used to think that was normal, to take a few hours to fall asleep. That is, until I met people who fall asleep in just 15 minutes after they hit the sack. Whaaaaa, how dey do dat?!

But maybe I'm attributing my stress to insomnia. You know, sometimes I can't tell if I'm stressed or not. It's not like I have to write papers or go to exams anymore. But that doesn't mean I'm worry-free. These past few months, I've been thinking about taekwondo a lot. Other times, I think about my day and some significant moments that stand out to me. Or insignificant moments. Basically, all parts of my day I can't help but reflect back on and think about when I'm trying to fall asleep.

How do you turn off the brain? I've tried these breathing exercises people talk about, and they haven't really been working. One friend suggested I think of a color, just one color, and repeat that color in my head to keep my thoughts simple. "Black, black, black, black." Is the repetition supposed to tire me? Instead, my brain wanders when I try this exercise. "Black - not green. Black - not blue. Black - not red." You get the picture. And of course when I say "not [color]," the color I'm not supposed to think about automatically comes to mind.

I don't like to sleep in. That can be problematic, you see. I do fall victim to naps in the middle of the day sometimes, but I also want to cut that out. In my head, I think that if I deprive myself of sleep the whole day, then perhaps I'll have an easier time sleeping at night. Sometimes it works; sometimes it frustratingly doesn't.

I would ask if this is normal, but what does "normal" even mean? What do most people experience in trying to fall asleep, and what percentage of this population does "most" even refer to?

Honestly, I probably fall asleep easily more often than I make it out to be. It's just the bad nights that really stand out in my mind. It's not a caffeine problem, I'm sure. I don't know what it is.

Oh well. Hopefully I tire myself out soon. Who knows? Maybe it'll be a good night tonight.

Happy 2014!

2014-01-01T20:43:00.001-08:00

Whoo, welcome to 2014! At the end of every year, we have a chance to stop and look back on everything we've done for the past twelve months. So much has happened, some things have stayed the same, and more things have changed. And let's face it, we have changed, and that's a good thing. How strange would it be if 365 days have gone by, and we look back and find ourselves not progressing at all?

So let's reflect! What do I want to remember about 2013?

NEW JOBS

In addition to continuing my internship at Zest Books, I also interned at Chronicle Books this year for six months and started working part-time for No Starch Press. Not only have I learned so much, but I also met a lot of fantastic, talented people who I have actually become good friends with. I love the publishing industry and am so happy I got the opportunity to attend some parties and shows this year, where I was surrounded by people who share the love of books. Hopefully this coming year, I'll be able to further my career in publishing and continue to do what I love.

BOOKS I READ

I started blogging about books more in 2013 to keep track of what I read and what I think of the books. I loved my college English classes because discussions and lectures made me think more deeply and appreciate the book more, regardless of whether I liked it or not. Writing reviews helps me remember what I read and how I react to the books. This past year was also the year I discovered new books through blogging and booktube communities, so I read more than I usually do.

MUSIC AND ART

Who knew music would be so important this year for me? Everyone loves music (or at least everyone should), but this year I went to more concerts than I ever have in my life and now I appreciate musicians and singers so much more. I'm talking particularly about Muse (thanks to Odona). We went to see them in concert in LA, and it was amazing. Honestly, I was blown away by how good they are.

As for art, I discovered a love for finding talented artists through my internship at Chronicle, where I worked on art books. In fact, during NaNoWriMo one of the primary inspirations for my stories were drawings made by Yelena Bryksenkova, who has a very distinct aesthetic that is totally right up my alley. And I didn't even know I had an alley. Anyway, love her work and found so many other talented people through there thanks to art and design sites.

FRIENDS AND FAMILY

I wasn't going to mention this because it goes without saying, but my friends and family have a huge part in shaping who I am. For anyone who has come in and out of my life this past year, thank you for your friendship and love. I am grateful to meet and know you. Some people I hang out with infrequently while others I see on a weekly basis, and some others I met and interacted with every day before we moved on to our separate paths. It doesn't matter, because you all have a place in my experience this past year and make me who I am in small and large ways.

In speaking about family, all I can say is that every year I grow more and more appreciative of them. How is that even possible when they take up almost my whole heart? But every year they are different and change, and that also affects me and makes me change as well. That is neither good nor bad, but it's important that we grow and develop together, even when we're physically apart. I saw my family a lot more in 2013 than I did in previous years since I moved away for college. Eventually, I do want to move back to Los Angeles, but for now I'll make due with whatever family time I get because it's always fun and interesting (even if all we're doing is sitting in a room, talking about what we should do for the upcoming weekend).

Aside from these, here's what I want to say goodbye to:

THE THINGS I CAN'T CHANGE
Actually, I want to say goodbye to the anger I feel about this. Along with the good came tough times in 2013. Much of these are things beyond our control unfortunately, and though they remain with us to this day we cannot do anything other than move past it. Despairing won't make things better. The most we can do is keep our chins up and have hope in our hearts. I have been touched by some events that are tragic and cannot be forgotten, but I am learning to accept them and approach with a more helpful attitude than just one of anger and frustration.

I'm really excited for this new year. It's bound to be better than the previous year if we all just work towards a better and happier future. Happy new year!

NaNoWriMo 2013 Reflection

2013-12-01T11:39:00.001-08:00

Happy December, everybody! Wow, time does fly, doesn't it? Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving, and don't you fret if you're feeling down and completely stressed -- the best month is coming, and with it at least a few days of rest time again! Wheeee!

Congratulations to all the wrimos who were working hard in November. Whether you finished your novel, "won" this year, or just worked as hard as you could with the time you had, you should be proud of yourself for even taking on the challenge. It's not an easy feat, writing a novel in just one month. You pretty much have to dedicate all your spare time to it, and that time is usually spent doing important things like resting, socializing, reading, etc.

How I accomplished my 50,000 word count goal was through dedication and discipline. It didn't matter how tired I was in the mornings because I would force myself to write at least a few hundred years on the commute to work, or at a Starbucks before going in. Lunch would similarly be spent with one hand holding a pen and the other my sandwich. And, of course, I wrote on the commute back home and at night before bed. It quickly became routine, and that helped a lot. It was like my brain knew it was time for writing and nothing else.

I had No Plot? No Problem! to help me along the way, but honestly I didn't read it much. By the time I got the book, it was almost November, so I had already prepped on my own. And my own NaNoWriMo journey fell on a different timeline than what most people's writing journeys are like. For me, the first two weeks breezed by quite easily, and it was actually the last two weeks that were harder. I was running out of steam, I was getting tired, Thanksgiving was taking up a lot of time, I was sick, etc.

But somewhere around the last 5,000, I had regained motivation and excitement for my novel. I knew the ending and how it was going to wrap up, but writing it was so much more fun than I had thought because my character was now different and changed. She had truly developed by month's end and was stronger than she was before. Writing the end of my novel gave me such a rush because I was proud of her and I was proud of myself. I had finally done it. I had never written this long of a story from beginning to end before because I usually never stuck out this long for a character before.

It's going to be a monster of an edit when I get around to it. But that won't be for a while because I'm giving myself a nice, lengthy break. I will be reading again, which I'm excited about because I am now tired of how I write and want to see how other people write. I'll also be hanging out with people more to thank them for their support and encouragement throughout the month of November.

Oh poop. I'll also have to do Christmas shopping. I knew there was something important I was forgetting.

** Thanks to my friend for drawing daily in solidarity for my writing daily. Check her out here!

Nano day 29: WINNER!!!!

2013-11-29T02:03:00.003-08:00

You guys.

I did it.

I DID IT!

On Friday, November 29, at 1:49 AM, I wrote the last words to my novel and won NaNoWriMo. This is the best, craziest, most wonderful writing experience I've had so far, and it's all because of this ridiculous challenge that I have always wanted to do but never got around to doing. I'm so thankful for everyone who has supported me and helped me through this month. I've had a wonderful time!

I just wanted to explode with happiness here before I go to bed. Not to worry, there will be a more in-depth reflection on this journey. But for now, thank you thank you thank you. And also YAYAYAYAYAYAY I DID IT I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID IT!

50,000 words in a month? Totally doable if you stick to it. I'm not saying it's a great or even good novel, but it's a novel all right, and I've never written such a long piece of anything before. I am so happy I decided to participate this year after several years of just wishing I had the energy to do it.

So, YESSSS!!!!!

Okay. Sleep time!

Nano day 17: More than halfway there!

2013-11-17T16:42:00.002-08:00

We're now in our third week, and I'm more than halfway into my story. After flailing a little bit in my story and where exactly it was going, yesterday I finally settled on a new outline to follow and now I have the finish line in sight! I know where to go and what to do, and now I just have to write it. Finally, I've found my way again!

I am discovering how much I love outlines. It really helps to have a plan, at least for me, because I'm one of those people who like to know what I'm writing about. I've tried the write-as-I-go method before, and while it does get my characters to do fun stuff, the plot never goes anywhere. And this is just one of the few things I've learned this month about my writing habits.

I also learned that the afternoons are difficult times for me to write. Around 2-5 pm is generally a sleepy, lethargic time of the day for me where all I want to do is eat, watch TV, and sleep. I don't even get the reading bug around this time! And while I can work in the mornings, I find myself writing more quickly and easily at night after dinner. Of course this is the only free time I have from work and meals and sleep. As a kid, I did all my schoolwork right when I got home and did the studying at night, so this might also have carried on to my habits today. But just because those are the prime times doesn't mean I only write in these time slots. I got about 500 words in this afternoon after all, even if I was very distracted by the 49ers vs. Saints football game.

As for the atmosphere, writing with music or in silence is most conducive to getting into my story. It's hard to write with the TV on (which is what I do a lot anyway) because there are other story lines and actions going on. Lately I've been listening to a lot of soundtracks from Disney films and Pitch Perfect. But this doesn't help me write. It actually makes me stop writing so I can sing along and wave my arms and pretend I'm Mulan, staring into the river, lamenting about how I will never bring honor to my family. So I would recommend music that you cannot sing along to.

So how is my NaNoWriMo experience so far? I am happy to say I haven't hit any walls or encountered writer's block yet. The most negative thing I've had to deal with so far is just being too tired to write, and even then I just push through my exhaustion to get in some words for the day. I am discovering how inspiration works, too. I used to think it would hit you and suddenly everything in your story would come together, but I haven't felt this bolt during this whole month. What actually works for me is the experimentation with plot outlines. I try something out, and if it works, then something else pops into my head to follow that. For me, creativity comes from trite ideas that are used, then tossed, then exchanged and developed and eventually transformed into potentially good ideas.

November's passing by so quickly because all my attentions are put on writing my novel. Can you believe it's already the 17th? I'm working hard on this thing to try to finish on time. If you're writing for NaNoWriMo as well, good luck on the rest of November! We're halfway there!

NaNoWriMo Day 10

2013-11-10T12:30:00.002-08:00

We're in week 2! I've heard/read a lot about the dreaded week 2, when the novelty of your story wears off and now you're heading towards murky waters. Here we go!

So far I've been keeping myself on track. I got through most of my outline I made in October of how the story was going to being and the adventures they go on -- but now I actually need to develop the story and the characters. I know what the ending is, so it's just getting the characters to that place now. I want to write a believable and gradual transformation in my main character, so that's taking a good chunk of my daily word count.

I've been tallying 1,667+ words almost every day. On Friday, I was only able to get in 900-some words because I had work and then had a birthday dinner to prepare. (It was a fantastic night and I don't regret not making my word count. Don't let writing rule your life and relationships!) But I made up for that yesterday and am pretty satisfied with what I'm doing in my story. It's kind of a mess when I think about it overall, but the point of NaNoWriMo for me is not to look back and to keep going. Material is better than a blank page!

I haven't hit the wall yet and I haven't gone crazy yet. Yay, success!

Update! What's going on, and is this NaNoWriMo Day 6?

2013-11-06T11:30:00.001-08:00

Hello! If you are new here, then welcome to my strange little blog where I write short little stories and fun thoughts that come into my mind. I used to write a bit more regularly here in the past, and now not at all because I've been concentrating on my other blog.

But! I hope for that to change. See, the reason why I've been slacking here is because I felt for a long time that I just wasn't a writer. I don't know how to write, but I like to fake it. I'm not very creative, but I like to pretend I am. I'm not very dedicated, but I would like to be.

That last one is important, because I've decided to take on a ridiculous challenge this month. I've pledged an effort to try for a 50,000-word novel written during this month of November, and so far I've been pretty on track. Go, me! And as for not knowing how to write and not being very creative--I think these can definitely be developed over time and experience. Writers don't automatically become great at writing. Practice, practice, practice, my friends.

I've always wanted to do NaNoWriMo, but I never signed up because I felt too intimidated by the gigantic word count to even try. Last month though, there were new developments in my work life, with two internships coming to an end a new part-time position at a publisher. I knew that in November I would have more time to myself for self-improvement, and since my copywriting at least was getting tons better, I thought my writing deserved further exploration again. And hey, wouldn't it be perfect timing since NaNoWriMo was coming up? I decided to toss out my fears and just bite the bullet. So I've been writing every single day this month, at least 1,667 words! That's not to say I'm writing a masterpiece (toooooootally far from it, which I'm proud of). But writing a terrible story is better than not writing at all.

This is just a personal project for me, inspired by a national movement, to get the writing juices flowing. To keep myself on track, I asked my friend to do daily creations with me, except her project is illustration-based. It's just the 6th day, but so far we've both been keeping up.

I'll be blogging here sometimes about my NaNoWriMo experience and what I'm learning. And hopefully after this month is over, I'll be reinvigorated to write stories again. Can I get a high five? Anyone?

That's okay; I got it. I'm also learning self-sufficiency!

2013-09-10T22:18:00.000-07:00

He'd thought to find some place in the road where the snow had melted off completely but then he thought that since their tracks would not reappear on the far side it would be no help. They kicked snow over the fire and went on through the trees and circled and came back. They hurried, leaving a maze of tracks and then they set out back north through the woods keeping the road in view.

-- The Road, by Cormac McCarthy. Vintage Books: pp 104

But there was no sign left of the bears from the night before. He put out his hand and stopped, waiting, listening in the whistling wind for the hungry animals that stalk the forest.

"I think we're safe," the girl said.

He shook his head but began moving anyway, ignoring the way the cold cut his cheeks until he couldn't feel them anymore. They couldn't stop after this, not for more than five minutes at a time, and only if they have to. The woods are never safe. He shouldn't have listened to her. Their tracks, no matter how confusing, are still a sign of food.

The girl walked beside him and wrapped her coat more tightly. Her hands were pale, probably numb, but at least they weren't blue. Yet. "Sorry I made that fire last night," she said. "Are you still mad at me?"

A twig snapped nearby, and immediately they stopped moving, holding their breaths as they took in the sounds around them.

He finally relaxed. "No," he said. It wasn't worth it, dealing with things that have already passed. The next best option would be to leave her, but they've come this far and there was still farther to go. Besides, the bears have better ears in the wintertime for careless, arguing people.

She frowned, and closed her eyes. "You're lying."

They followed the road silently for the rest of the way, stopping just once to empty the snow out of their boots. The sun disappeared in the grey sky, its silhouette just a shadow of itself until finally it wasn't there anymore, and the forest was black and angry again. But in the distance he could see faint lights blinking their way through the trees.

He could see the girl stumbling and caught her arm just as she tripped, her eyes tiredly staring into his before they narrowed into the distance. "Ah," she said, her voice a faint sigh. "We're here."

sash

2012-09-16T15:45:00.000-07:00

Today I went shopping and found The One. The love of my life, my dream come true; I found the perfect dress.

Pale pink silk, white sash draped loosely around the waist, it was girly and flirty and romantic. I was just passing by to the jeans section, but my eyes got caught and suddenly I was frozen as my mind whirled with possibilities. I could dress it up with a blazer and heels. I could dress it down with black tights and flats. I could accessorize it with that gold necklace I never found to match anything. Oh my god, that sash is removable? The dress seduced me before I could even think.

I had to tread carefully. You can't just buy a dress like that! You had to be careful, try it on, touch and feel it before it will commit to you. I brought it to the dressing room and zipped it up. The mirror smiled at me as the dress accentuated my legs and hid my hips. Perfect. Beautiful. I adore you.

I twirled around in the room for a while before finally switching back to my clothes. It was settled, of course. I brought the pink beauty to the register and took out my wallet.

"One hundred and sixty three dollars, thirty nine cents, please," the lady behind the till smiled.

My face reddened with shame as I could hear a trill of laughter. What a tease.

Journal

2012-07-16T13:26:00.001-07:00

My journal is my best friend because I tell her my secret thoughts and hopes and dreams that I've never told anyone else before. And of course, I'm her best friend because she reveals herself only to me. She's a loner that way. But if she ever interacts with anyone else, I would cry and jump off a cliff. There's some seriously embarrassing and even incriminating things that my journal knows about me.

So I did what any logical person would do. I burned my journal.

My mother screamed as I shredded the pages of my best friend into the smoking grill. It wasn't too painful, tearing apart my only confidant that I've shared laughs and tears with over the last two years. I've had other best friends before, and I've gone through this same exact ritual. But this was the first time my mother has caught me in the act.

Her eyes were wild with panic. "What are you doing?"

I couldn't let her ruin my best friend's death, so I continued tearing pages as I stepped in front of the watering can. The flame grew as I finished up, and I smiled with satisfaction as my mother stared in wonder and fear.

For her sake, I should keep to inanimate best friends.

bliss

2012-06-01T11:24:00.002-07:00

Shackles and weights and heavy stones in your pocket, pulling with your weight so you trudge your feet, slowing you down until you can't and won't move.

Bliss is when you open the window and jump into the blue. Just jump, eyes closed, wind in hair, hands open. There's a moment - fear, pain, something gripping the insides and pulling you back, or trying to, at least. It goes away. Don't worry. Scream with joy, cry with the heart, laugh with love, and don't look down. Nothing follows because nothing else jumps, and now the rope is loose, falling, gone, and you are gone. Fly in the blue, and always keep the hands open.

pendant

2012-05-16T18:41:00.002-07:00

It was our two-year anniversary. I was wearing a new dress, one that cost more than my last paycheck, and it took over two hours to do my hair and makeup. I've been waiting all month for this. He smiled at me from across the table, a twinkle in his eye. It's happening today.

It was a candlelit dinner under the stars. The wine was excellent, the entrees delicious, the atmosphere so romantic. Everything was perfect. After dessert, he reached out and held my hand, and he told me I looked beautiful. "I love you," he said. I told him I loved him too. He slid the black box across the table and looked nervous. My heart pounded against my chest as I slowly opened it.

Unsexiest surprise ever.

busy

2012-02-07T22:25:00.000-08:00

I'm learning about priorities. I'm learning that being busy is being productive. Procrastination is fun and all, but it's all about pushing through and getting things done.

It's really hard when I keep getting interrupted. Can't they see me working? So then I have to stop what I'm doing and help them out. Yeah, I know. I'm too nice. Gotta work on that sometime.

amazon

2012-02-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

Deep in the amazon where the trees grow to be so thick so that no light passes through, there is a well. The well is made of stone and isn't too deep because if you shine a flashlight, you can see the bottom of it.

In the bottom of the well lives a big fish. It swims around in circles, doing nothing except looking up every now and then when someone shines a light down. No one knows how it got there and no one knows why it's still alive. But it is.

I only know the well exists because my grandfather's friend's uncle's wife's nephew promised he's seen it. I don't know who my grandfather's friend's uncle's wife's nephew is, but if he's seen it then I believe him. He said that only people dying of thirst ever find the well. When he was in the amazon researching mosquitos, he became suddenly dizzy and dehydrated. He moved so deeply into the shade that he fell through some trees and found the well.

He said he tried to get water from the well, but once he lowered a bucket, the fish spoke out to him. Fish don't speak, if you've tried to talk to one. At least a fish has never spoken to me. But this fish in the bottom of the well could speak, and when he did his voice was low and echoed on the walls of the well.

The fish said, "If you want to drink, then drink. But if you want to eat, then pick me up yourself."

My grandfather's friend's uncle's wife's nephew was only thirsty, but he was curious. He asked the fish, "Have you met people who wanted to eat you?"

He was shining the flashlight down the well to watch the fish swim around in circles. But when he asked that question, the fish stopped swimming. "If you want to eat, then pick me up yourself," the fish said again, softer and more persuasively.

He got scared and just drank some water, leaving the bucket for the next person. But if you ever go to the amazon and find the well yourself, remember this: a fish should not be talking.

hanker

2012-01-30T20:27:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling really lazy right now. Just wanna bum on the couch and watch a movie.

Could have it with popcorn. But I'm hankering for some chips. I mean I could really go for some Doritos, nacho-cheese flavored. Extra cheese.

Maybe some dip to go with that. Maybe make a spread, have cheese and chips and dip and grapes. Then might as well get soda. Or wine. Or both. Maybe get something healthier. Like frozen pizza with some olives on it or something. That's a fruit, right?

Pizza and breadsticks. Marinara sauce. Ooh, ranch sauce. That goes with everything. Could buy buffalo wings for ranch sauce. This'll all be just a light snack, enough until dinner.

I guess I'll have to go out.

btw - go read hyperbole and a half

hurdle (by ophelia)

2012-01-28T20:05:00.000-08:00

He stares at his fingers at the line. His feet were already in the blocks, filled with nervous energy as he waits for the crack of the starting pistol. Go!

He begins slowly, his legs pumping steadily to gain momentum with his arms swinging, higher and higher to face-level as he brings his head up. There were three beside him right now, one in front. He pumps harder and times his jumps over the hurdles perfectly, eventually losing two of his opponents and closing the distance with the lead.

He passes him, but one is still running beside him at the same pace, jumping at the same time he jumps. They're nearing the finish line and he can hear the crowd screaming, but all he can think about is how tired he is, how heavy his legs are, how strong he can be, how he is stronger than this other guy.

Fifty meters. Forty. The other guy's getting tired, he can tell. His mind screams at him as he pushes harder and runs faster. He can win. He's going to win!

He does. And then he trips over his shoes.

crust

2012-01-23T15:51:00.000-08:00

If there was one person in the world that I would never want to meet, it would be my next-door neighbor. It's not so much that I didn't like him. I've never really talked to him because he would come and go at odd times while I had the regularized schedule of any high school student. No, I would never want to meet him because I was terrified of him. I say that with ardor because even as a child I remember peering at him in his house through the blinds of my window, watching him cook his dinner. He handled a butcher's knife more adeptly than a butcher, and I didn't want to know how he learned that.

But it's too late anyway, meeting him I mean. I have met him. Several times, in fact, because my parents seem to want to meet him a lot more than most normal people should. Mom's always worried about older people and Dad knew him when he was younger. All those times when I was in the same room as our neighbor though, he glared at me with such disdain that I wondered why no one else has ever noticed.

Today Mom wanted me to bring him some year cake for the Chinese New Year. Alone. "Can't you come with me?" I complained, trying to hide the fear I felt reserved for him slowly numb my insides. "I don't even know him and I won't know what to say."

"Just say happy new year. I have to get going, you know that." Mom had to run to the supermarket before all the whole chickens and fresh fish and whatever else you eat for Chinese New Year were out. "Be nice, okay? He's always been so nice to you. Smile."

I snorted, rolling my eyes even though my fingers were trembling. He was not nice. He told me when I was younger that I was short enough to be his cane. Then he told me in middle school that makeup was for tramps. When I took my dog on a walk and he decided to visit the lawn next door, he bursted out of his front door and just glared at me. Didn't say anything. Just glared.

But Mom was already kissing me goodbye and ran out the door. I did some breathing exercises to calm myself down (didn't work) before going over to my neighbor's house. Best to get it over with.

I stood in front of his big brown door, the oak and chipping paint wearing down on my nerves. I rang the doorbell, but I didn't hear anything inside. Maybe it didn't work. It would be so easy to just slip away and tell Mom he wasn't home, but we both knew he was. So softly, I knocked on the door. I waited for a minute again and then knocked louder. Waited for another minute and then knocked again, louder.

The door opened and there was my neighbor, glaring at me again. He was a crusty old man, his face drawn in fine lines and his lips permanently curled downwards. He used to tower over me when I was younger, but now I stood above his bent figure. It didn't matter. I still felt small.

"Why'd you bang on my door? The doorbell's right here," he pointed with his stubby finger. "Can't you use it? It's rude to bang on someone's door."

"S-sorry," I mumbled. I held out the year cake and looked down at his brown sweater. "Mom wants to give this to you. Happy new year."

He grunted and took the cake. Immediately, I turned around and walked back to my house. "Wait," he called out, his voice authoritative and demanding. My heart beat rapidly as I slowly turned around to face him.

He reached around his pockets and pulled something out. "Here," he said, holding out a red envelope. He was glaring at me still, but his eyes were calm. "Happy new year."

I took the envelope and didn't breathe out until I ran back into the house.