kiwirevo

Sorry for the big delay

2008-01-24T22:59:32Z

Sometimes I wonder how I can possibly become one of those women who have it all when at the moment - if one thing goes out of sync, the rest falls apart.

Actually that sounds a bit melodramatic and things are OK.

Weight watchers - I thought I was going to do core because my friend K did so well on that and we both like cooking and I thought it would work. One day told me otherwise. I didn't know what I could have to snack on when I needed a bit of a sugar hit. Also, I had bought some healthy muesli the week before (on a 2 for 1 special too!) and found I couldn't have that because it had raisins in it. So anyway, I went onto points. or should I say POINTS. Don't you love branding?

Anyway, it went quite well. We were supposed to be doing kickstart but I couldn't cope with those few points so I just did the normal and I lost 4.5 lbs the first week. The second week I stayed the same after a very hungry week (you all know those ones) where I was well over points all week. I just weighed in for the 3rd time and I lost another 1.5 lbs. So 6 lbs in 3 weeks of no hardship. We've had wine, I've had chocolate (a creme egg is only 3.5 POINTS!), I've made spaghetti bolognese and yummy Thai Green Curry stir frys. It has been good. I think this could work - it could give me some structure and get me thinking about portion size for a change. I'm trying to eat real food for the most part but Boots shapers chocolate mint bars are 1.5 POINTS so I almost developed a habit for those. The last couple of weeks buying any kind of food has totally stopped. I am officially totally broke. Payday is 31 January and I have about £5 in coins on my person. My bank account and all my cards are maxed. So, no more Boots chocolate bars. No more skinny cappucinos. I am wondering if I might have weaned myself off the expensive coffee habit by the time payday comes...

I have done no exercise whatsoever. Work has continued to be really busy. I am loving my job right now but I just need a bit of a down time so I can use the gym for the last few days of our membership. It expires on 31 January...

I have also started my MA and Wednesday night is MA night. I can't get away with not doing the reading because there has only been 4 of us the last 2 Wednesdays... I think there are another 2 people doing the course but they have just been away. Still 6 people in a MA course is really tiny. And considering this is the ONLY MA History of Education course in the country, you would expect it to be in demand. Maybe people don't care about history anymore... I'm doing my coursework essay on the introduction of university tuition fees in NZ and UK. I feel really excited about it.

We went to our local Labour Party constituency meeting tonight and I have to tell you a funny story. My lovely Dan can sometimes be a bit 'foot in mouth' and we were looking at the minutes from the last couple of meetings, which we hadn't been at. He saw that the last one chose our local parliamentary candidate and he said quite loudly to me 'Oh God, RV is our candidate!' at which point the woman in front of me turns around and says 'yes?'. Of course, it was her. Apparently she is a right-winger in UNISON so Dan is not happy. But she has no chance. Our Tory has one of the biggest majorities in the country if not the biggest.

Right - off to catch a bit of Newsnight if I can. BTW: I loved Jeremy Paxman's comments the other night when everyone was talkign about his leaked email about the M&S undies. It's nice to know he an laugh at himself. ctually, I do have a bit of a crush on Mr paxman. Dan doesn't understand it but I love the withering comments he makes to hapless toffs in university challenge...

For a positive and happy 2008!

2007-12-30T14:17:39Z

I found out yesterday that one of my friends in NZ, K, has lost 15kgs with weight watchers. She was keeping that quiet until she saw me debating it on this blog and thought she'd give me some encouragement. I was rather surprised and was about to respond with a 'but you didn't need to lose weight' but I took a few seconds and just congratulated her instead. Anyway, it got me thinking about the way we view ourselves and the ways others view us. K has never been a skinny mini BUT I don't know anyone who would have used the f word to describe her. To me she represented the usual kiwi woman. She never seemed to be overly worried about what size she was and she enjoyed good food and wine and never let it stop her doing things.

Anyway, I am amazed and inspired by her achievement. I can't wait to see her in May to see the change. And it has convinced me that it can be done by WW and so I'm going to start on Thursday at a local meeting.

To put it in perspective, she lost 15kgs by eating real food and getting on with it. I lost 29 kgs abstaining from food and then put on 10kg since I've been eating again. End result = I've lost a few kgs more (but had way more to lose comparatively) but I'm sure she enjoyed the journey more...

Another woman I've met online who did the same wacky diet I did is constantly worrying about overeating and putting all the weight back on. In fact, I thought she had put on a bit judging by her posts until this week, when she posted her BMI, I realised she is overstating it somewhat. She has put on a few pounds during maintenance but had lost enough to do so. Her BMI is under 23 so she has no problems! I wish she could stop and smell the roses and let herself enjoy life in her skinny jeans. It seems such a waste to lose the weight and still be constantly critical of yourself.

I bought the New Year edition of Health & Fitness magazine yesterday. The life coaching section really spoke to me this time so I will reproduce it below. It might seem a bit new-agey but I do think we can be more positive if we harness our emotions. This exercise below reminds me of something we did in LighterLife.

If you fancy looking it up in the mag, it's on page 55. Not sure how legal this is so will properly attribute this to Suzy Greaves, Health & Fitness magazine.

Your happiest year ever!
There's a story about a Greek fisherman who brings in enough fish to provide for his family. Every day he sleeps late, plays with the kids, takes a siesta with his wife, drinks a few glasses of wine and , in his words, lives a 'full, rich life'. A businessman on holiday asks the fisherman to take him fishing, then says, 'I can help you buy a fleet of boats and catch more fish so you can be rich.' 'How long would that take?' asks the fisherman. '20 years perhaps,' replies the businessman. 'And then what?' asks the fisherman. 'You could retire, play with the kids, take a siesta with your wife, drink wine and have a full, rich life,' says the businessman.

We set resolutions and goals in January, hoping once we achieve them we'll be happy. How about making happiness your main goal instead?

There's nothing wrong with setting goals but work out why you want to achieve them and see if there's an easier way to get what you really want. for example, you may want more money. Why? So you can have a designer handbag, a fancy holiday or a new car? And what does that buy you? Freedom, security, feeling special and adventure perhaps. But what's the quickest, simplest way to feel like that?

Create a life pie by drawing a circle and dividing it into six slices - career, friends, health, relationship, money and me-time. What would be your top 2008 goal for each of these categories? Try to be specific - how much weight do you want to lose? How many times a week do you want to go out with friends? What would these goals give you? How would they make you feel? Loved, respected, attractive, confident? Write up to six adjectives for how you want to feel.

Now take that to a deeper level. Look at the adjectives. If you felt all of these things, are there one or two words that could sum up that feeling? Content, in your prime, at peace, fabulous? These are your 'power words'.

Now visualise feeling your power words - imagine a time in the past when you felt like this, then imagine a time in the future where you feel utterly at peace, in your prime, fabulous, content. Where do you feel this in your body? See if you can start spreading it round your body, then up through the top of your head so it spills out like a fountain. Stay here feeling your power words for seconds. For those 90 seconds, you've already reached your goal!

See if you can base 2008 around living your power words. Create a daily schedule of new habits that focus on what you really want - your happiest year.

www.thebigpeace.com is Suzy Greaves' website with 90 day fee online coaching. I'm going to give it a go...

Anyway, I've got a plan and few goals for 2008. Good luck with yours too!

I've been sick!

2007-12-28T13:25:25Z

Typical, eh?

Left work on Friday and woke up on Saturday with a sore throat that clearly wasn't going away and a chesty cough. Dan had booked me a ticket to go with his work mates to see a game of football. He said several times that maybe I should stay home but I felt bad about that and also it only felt like a cold. However, sitting in the freezing cold for a couple of hours was not my best idea yet. By the time we got home, my temperature was raging and I was properly sick.
Sunday I didn't leave the bed at all. Dan brought back medical supplies. I ached all over and my lungs ached too. On Monday I got up early to get to an appointment and cancel it. I couldn't find their number to do it by phone. Christmas Day and Boxing Day were both difficult and we had to be out with Dan's family. Yesterday I thought I was getting better so we went to the movies. That really took it out of me`though. Today we are officially tidying but I can't do that much without having a rest.

At this rate I'm going to get better just in time to go back to work...

Spoke to the parents and my sister and two nephews on Christmas Day. That was nice. I received some lovely presents from friends and family. All in all it was a lovely Christmas despite the virus.

I have been eating comfort foods but have also been craving fruit and veg and my appetite hasn't been as raging as usual so have managed to maintain the weight I was before Christmas. The next step is to lose some. I'm not fussed about New Year's Eve. I'm now thinking I might like to stay home...

kiwirevo @ 2007-12-15T11:31:00

2007-12-15T11:54:22Z

Had an up and down week this week. The pressure feels off at this time of year and, despite the fact my desk still looks like a bomb has hit it and I could do with putting in a couple of long days to get up to date by the time we knock off next week, I don't feel stressed out. Even THAT time of the month passed and I didn't burst into tears! I'm making progress.

My team had Christmas lunch on Thursday and one of my team almost set fire to the place after putting his serviette on top of a tea light candle! We had quite a bit of wine and it was nice to let our hair down collectively.

Dan and I went to the last student union quiz of the year that night. The team we were on won the quiz but I felt quite rejected because I had asked the two members of my team who were going to the quiz to be in a team with me and Dan. While we were away getting something to eat before the quiz they joined another team and left us to be in a team with 3 people I don't work with, 2 of whom I didn't know. Perhaps I shouldn't automatically assume it's something to do with me but it felt like that and I was quite hurt by it.

Foodwise, things are not going well. I'm eating way too much chocolate and things that aren't good for me. My jeans are tight and that makes me feel bad - although I have to say I don't generally have the feeling fat and guilty thing YET.

I've been thinking a lot about January and what I'm going to do then. Weight Watchers sounds good but I know I always react badly when I'm on those kinds of things. As soon as I feel I have to restrict foods, that's when the rebellious child that I discovered on LL comes out big time. My friend at my old job has just started management after I inspired her to do LL. She looks fabulous and I'm so pleased for her. She made it work for her and has turned her life around. It's tempting to consider restarting LL in January and get the fast results but I just don't think I could do it now. I've tried to use my left over packs to have a few days of abstinence and have never managed one day of abstinence since I stopped. I guess I don't want it enough to cope with the first couple of days withdrawal. In any case, I don't want to be those people who does abstinence regularly as I think that feels like an unhealthy way of living your life. After all that, I think I will try WW as it is a healthy balance and the rest is up to me.

My new Simply Come Dancersize DVD arrived this week and I finally put it on last night - not to do but to have an initial watch. It looks scarily complicated but I'm sure you'd get used to it after a while. However, it's also quite long - designed to choose the dances you want to do. We can't do that because our DVD remote is broken and there aren't the arrow buttons on the main machine - it's either play or stop/eject - so there is no chance to pick and choose. So I'll get back to the Lesley Sansome ones.

Kiwi coffee and failed nanos...

2007-12-03T15:00:31Z

From the title, I bet you've guessed that I did not finish a 50,000 novel in November. Truth be told I hardly started one. I need to find a real cure for procrastination. I've heard people say (and read it in one book) that if you don't write every day you are not a writer and never will be. I accept this as a truth. However, the reason I don't write every day is not because I can't or don't want to. There is a barrier in the way. I want to get back to my teenage self when my friend Nicky and I would write screeds every day and swap our copy each day at school. Of course, this was trashy teenage hormone-driven soft (and not so soft sometimes) porn starring us and the members of Duran Duran BUT it was writing and, subject matter aside, we were both good writers. Why do I find myself slumped in front of the TV each night instead of entering the world of my imagination?

In the next two weeks I have to do some writing of a different kind. I have signed up for an MA starting in January, which is free through work. However, my NZ BA is apparently not equivalent to UK BA Hons. So I have to write a 2500 word essay as qualifying work. It is very ironic that, with my kiwi quals, I am able to teach in secondary school here but can't study for a MA...

I've just had a couple of days off work and I feel so much better about life. I'm back to work tomorrow and I don't dread it. I want to start a new routine that involves getting to the gym in the morning and having healthy lunches and leaving on time. The couple of days either side of the weekend has just opened up a space for me to relax and feel more positive. Being more active has helped too!

I've been to the gym both days of the weekend and will go this afternoon. I have realised I do need to start seeing a physiotherapist though. I think I have the same (although not as severe) knee issue as dietgirl. We had a physio doing taster sessions at work and when I asked her about the pains I get when I'm doing lunges she thought it was a tracking problem (which I think was the issue with DG) and involves building up the inner quad muscle. I have also realised I urgently need to do something about my right shoulder, which is constantly sore even when I am not working my shoulders. It hurt during RPM on Saturday and it hurt when I was on the treadmill and crosstrainer on Sunday. Neither time was I using my shoulder. Anyway these two issues have made Body Pump much less enjoyable and I've stopped going. I can't do the lunges even without weights and using the bar as a stabiliser. And the shoulder track is mega difficult even with only 1kg weights.

I saw the endocrinologist today and he was nicer to me now I'm not on LL. I have officially put on 7.9kg since the last visit with him. I don't mind that much because my weight has been stable for the last month and I'm convinced I'm not piling on the rest. I'm still 19kg less than I was when I started LL. I'm a 16-18 and not a 24. This is all good. However, it is time for me to start reducing again. I'm considering joining weight watchers. It's the one diet I haven't done since I was a teenager - nearly 20 years - and it has changed a lot. The points thing looks quite flexible. The endo simply wants me to see a dietician but that will takes ages before I get a referral (this is the UK after all!) so I'll get a move on myself and see what I can achieve before then. I see him again in March.

One of the things that has made me feel truly happy in the last couple of weeks is the discovery of a coffee kiosk near work. it always had a queue outside and I thought I'd find out what the fuss was about. They only do flat whites!!!! It's the kiosk outlet of a cafe near Carnaby Street called Sacred, which was started by kiwis. the guy who serves me each morning has a very strong kiwi accent and makes the most heavenly coffee. I remember why I used to turn my nose up at Starbucks!

Wipe out

2007-11-24T08:10:18Z

It has been another of those up and down weeks where I don't feel I've achieved very much. Started with a difficult meeting with 'that' staff member, which I had to call halt to because we were in an area where others could hear and it was getting out of hand. I've referred this to someone higher up who will meet with both of us to resolve things.
Then on Wednesday some temp dogsbody in the department came and had a go at me because I wouldn't accept his changes in my printer/scanner order. Like what the f***?

I am beginning to wonder if I did make a mistake with this job - I was desperately unhappy in the last one but in this job I seem to get everything dumped on me and they expect me to know what to do about that. I have had people try to help by asking me exactly what it is that is getting on top of me. Unfortunately, I find it hard to list the things because of the stress I'm under.

Time management is an issue because I ave so many meetings that I don't have the usual amount of hours in which to do my work. I almost feel like every meeting needs to be balanced by extra hours tagged on at the start or end of the day - but I really don't want to get into a long hours groove.

A job for me this weekend is to make a mind map of all the areas I am responsible for and trying to work out how I can share some of that around my team to give myself a break. I also want to list the things that I know I need to find out about to know more about my job.

I managed to get to the gym once this week on Monday. I also went last Saturday, which is within the week since it is only Saturday morning. I a not intending to go today as I have a body treatment at 9am and think that shouldn't be done before a hard work out. So I'll do something tomorrow instead. I think I'll have a go at getting back into my 'walk away the pounds' DVDs. That way, at least I am doing some activity each day, even if it's a small thing.

I tried to do a week on the packs this week. I've got about 18 packs left and thought I could use them up and drop a few pounds in anticipation of my endocrinologist appointment on the 3rd. But a few roadblocks got in my way (like my former boss who is on secondment inviting me for lunch to discuss her paper about what needs to be done in the section). Then the stress kicked in and it wasn't going to happen. But I started the week really well in my choices. The end of the week is another matter... We ended up with Chinese takeaway twice this week - when in the past I would hardly have ever got a takeaway. Something needs to give with the long hours or I need to buy some things I can easily and quickly cook that are healthy. I am craving vegetables and thinking of making a slimming world vege recipe like vegetable chilli or ratatouille pasta bake.

I might try doing the packs this week (not over the weekend!) and then maybe trying to refocus on vegetable dishes as a way forward.

On Thursday night we entered the student union pub quiz and tied for first place and then lost on the tie-break question. Doh! After that we met up with one of Dan's friend via Unison who was having a birthday party in a pub in Euston. That was quite funny because we got talking to a couple of people who were fairly new members of Socialist Appeal. The wide-eyes optimism was quite amusing. Listening to them you could easily think that the revolution was around the corner and I think they really believe that. The guy was saying that all the young people who were involved in anti-war stuff a few years ago are really angry and just waiting for their chance to rise up. He said that because they aren't organised in trade unions, the government can't control them. I smiled and said that I thought the young people on those marches had probably retreated into their personal lives again and the left wouldn't see any benefit. The radical solutions that tend to be growing are right-wing ones. But he wouldn't hear any of that. We had to leave pretty soon after as (a) the long journey back home and (b) the music became unbearably loud but it was quite amusing to see the blind optimism of a new leftie. I said to Dan that we were probably like that a decade ago! Now just old and cynical.

Very behind with Nanowrimo...

2007-11-17T09:49:15Z

I had a new idea last week but I haven't written since week 1. Oopps. Still Dan is off to the Labour Representation Committee conference today and I should have been going too but I've decided I need a day at home. I'll go to the gym and do a bit of cleaning up and get on with some writing.

The new idea should be able to incorporate what I've written. I'll just make a new start and paste the bit I've done in somewhere - so it's not a completely new start. I am determined to prove to myself I can do it.

Still having very busy weeks at work but realised I'm trying to be superwoman and not delegating enough. I need to be realistic that I have special tasks to do that are not getting done because I'm trying to do work that my team can do.

I'm still having problems with the staff member I mentioned last week but we have a meeting on Monday morning so hopefully I can sort things out then.

kiwirevo @ 2007-11-10T05:43:00

2007-11-10T06:24:44Z

This management (work not food) malarkey isn't all that easy is it? I have one troublemaker in my team who is a passive-aggressive personality type and can be just downright rude. She emailed me (and the ex-head of the section who is now seconded to another post) on Friday at 4.05pm in tell us (note - not ask!) that she and another member of staff were going to a talk at a neighbouring college on Monday afternoon. This comes after a number of other demands and issues such as we allocated work tasks equally between the 3 people in that part of the team and she passed her work tasks to the other two without reference to us. She is of a higher grade than the other two and (a) acts like she thinks she line manages them (she doesn't) and (b) wants to busy herself doing less challenging tasks while allocating them the work we have given to her! It's all a bit tricky because I am not officially her line manager but in the absence of the head of section, I'm the next in seniority.

If it was up to me I'd put a stop to it right now and have her on a very tight performance management regime. I tend to be fairly easy going but it winds me up when someone takes the mickey. However, there is a further complication that cannot be discounted. This staff member is black and she is the only black member of my team. Due to my political activities - anti-racist work etc - I am hyper-sensitive to any sniff of being accused of prejudice. In this case I am clear in myself that she is causing a problem due to her attitude at work but is that what others see?

Anyway - that's why I happen to be up at the crack of dawn on the internet. I woke up at 4am and lay there for ages, got up and had a cup of tea and back t bed and finally decided to do something productive. I've been churning it over in my mind. This is despite being in bed asleep by 11.30 last night after yawning my way through dinner with Dan's workmates. At 6.30pm I caught sight of myself in the mirror in the ladies and my eyes were bloodshot and I looked haggard. A typical week at work at the moment! It's wrecking havoc on my looks. Not helped by the fact that I am not drinking enough (or sometimes any) water. Need to find a way to change that.

It's a complete minefield when you start to consider discrimination issues. In the papers in London this week has been the case of a young muslim woman who wears a headscarf and was refused a job at a funky hair salon because she wouldn't uncover her hair at work. (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/7087346.stm) Now, while the manager may have not wanted a muslim working there (but we can't really know that), the key issue is that the type of salon this was (cutting edge, avant garde) is driven by the image it projects. I would imagine that the other staff there would wear alternative or unusual clothes - not what you buy on the high street - and display weird and wonderful hair styles - almost as a marketing tool for the salon. I find it odd that a woman who, for whatever reason including strong religious beliefs, dresses modestly and covers her hair would aspire to work in such a place. It really strikes me as a planned piece of action designed to get media attention. Furthermore, I am surprised that someone whose identity is wrapped up in covering her hair would choose a career where she is styling other people's uncovered hair. The whole case is madness and it really disturbs me that this kind of thing gets precedence over real issues of discrimination. Why do we spend public money on this stuff where logic and reason show there are good reasons why the woman was not suitable to be working in that environment and - yes it was probably to do with her image and the way she dressed - but not directly due to religious beliefs. Or am I way out there on this one?

Anyway - enough esoterics and politics. Foodwise, things have stabilised a bit. My morning weighs are a couple of pounds down on last week and it is just before that time of the month again so I can expect some bloating. On the other hand, I can feel where my waistbands and the legs of trousers are feeling a bit tight, so I know I need to put some work in to not go up a size. Thankfully I am still in the same clothes I was in before and my fat clothes are too big for me. (I'm sitting here in my only warm pair of pyjamas, the bottoms of which are threatening to fall down of their own accord.)

I had a reflexology session this week, which was good. I have booked one in for a month and I might up my session to fortnightly next year if I can afford it. It's great because it ticks three boxes at once. It is enforced relaxation, which I am craving at the moment. I lie back in the chair and clear my mind and close my eyes but try not to fall asleep. This puts me in a meditative state. It's also quite nice having someone rub your feet - it's not quite a massage but feels pampering all the same. Thirdly, it does seem to have effects on digestive issues and maybe other things I haven't considered. All in all it's the best £25 I can spend right now.

I also got to the gym one morning this week and that day felt markedly better than the others. There is a lesson here!

We are going to the Lord Mayor's show today. (http://www.lordmayorsshow.org/) I have never been so I am looking forward to that and hoping I won't be too zonked from lack of sleep. Dan is very excited about the RAF flypast so I suspect this is the first time we'll be early for something!

Finally - yes I am writing and have got something started for NanoWriMo BUT it's not nearly enough and I am behind. Need to put in a few hours tomorrow to attempt to catch up and some evenings as well. It helps that I am still poor this month and don't plan any expensive trips or nights out.

AARRGGHH

2007-11-02T21:56:25Z

Nanowrimo started yesterday and I didn't - but I will. In fact I think I'll get something done after I log off from here and before bed.

The new job has made me work much harder than I've been used to. This is good because I get bored and surfing the net all day at work is boring - seriously! However, I don't seem to be able to post on here as much as I'd like. I think I'm settling down to once a week.

Speaking of work - I cried this week. Thankfully I managed to get out of the open plan office and into the ladies loos first. BUT I have the kind of face that just does not go back to normal afterwards. No matter how much cold water I splash on, it is obvious to everybody that I've been crying. Red blotchy face and bloodshot eyes. Hmm nice look! It was a stressful moment but I hope it was a turning point. I am still committed to this job and my team - eve if it is a steep learning curve.

The other reason for the aarrgghh is that I have been stress eating and the pounds have piled on this week. 4 more since last post - now 18 pounds on. This is serious and I am beginning to feel like I have blown it. Sparkpeople didn't last. I'm just too busy to log what I'm eating. I need something simpler. I just don't know what that is right now.

Mind you - went for a night out with 3 girls from the new job on Wednesday. 5 bottles of wine between 3 of us (the 4th was on barcardi) probably didn't help the weigh in situation! The thing is - I am not usually such a lush (and neither are the others by the sounds of things). We were just having such a great time that anytime someone suggested another bottle we all went 'yeah why not'. We did eat some bar snacks - chunky chips, wedges with cheese and mushroom, quesadilla and some olives and feta with bread. It was also over a long period of time. We started at 6pm and I stumbled out at 11.30pm.

I thought there was supposed to be a LL blogger meetup tomorrow but I've heard nothing so I guess the plans have changed or I'm not invited. In some ways I might as well accept that it's not really a feature of my life now. I don't think I could go back on the packs now. Anyway - it's the Defend NHS demo tomorrow starting at midday at Temple and I've got to go to the gym in the morning since I haven't been all week.

Still haven't found my car keys - so that's another aarrgghh! They've been missing two weeks now and I am beginning to fear that they've fallen out somewhere random outside the flat. We don't know where the spare is either since we moved. It got put somewhere and we haven't found it. I cleaned the computer room last weekend and didn't come across it. Nor did I come across my university transcripts which I need to finalise my MA application. I really don't want to have to order another one from NZ!

Anyway that's my life in a nutshell this Friday night.... Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

Nanowrimo time again!

2007-10-27T17:16:07Z

I may be mad (especially with new job etc) but I have decided to have another go at Nanowrimo. I signed up last year and did zilch, zero, nada. This time I have a few ideas floating around my head and it would be good to do something with them.

What is Nanowrimo? Google Nanowrimo for the website. See the snippet from the 'about' page below.

What: Writing one 50,000-word novel from scratch in a month's time.

Who: You! We can't do this unless we have some other people trying it as well. Let's write laughably awful yet lengthy prose together.

Why: The reasons are endless! To actively participate in one of our era's most enchanting art forms! To write without having to obsess over quality. To be able to make obscure references to passages from our novels at parties. To be able to mock real novelists who dawdle on and on, taking far longer than 30 days to produce their work.

When: Sign-ups begin October 1, 2007. Writing begins November 1. To be added to the official list of winners, you must reach the 50,000-word mark by November 30 at midnight. Once your novel has been verified by our web-based team of robotic word counters, the partying begins.

I have been reading a fabulous book called 'Mindless Easting' by Brian Wansink. He also has a webpage. This is about food psychology and how we eat too much without realising and also how we can eat less without realising.

I've ditched the South Beach idea. The reason? It started to affect me the way other diets have. I ended up bingeing ont he things I had restricted. Brian Wansink explains how that can happen - he says that if you think about food all day, you eat more of it. On a calorie counting (or any other conventional) diet I am always planning the next meal and working out what I can have and how much. I always used to find I was out of calories and would panic because I needed something. LighterLife was a complete change from all of that.

I've put on 14 pounds since LL but that is due to allowing myself to go all 'free child' - i.e. eating anything and everything I want. Today that stopped. I've been to the gym. I had a granola-type cereal breakfast and soup and a roll for lunch. Dinner is 'warm kumara and chicken salad' (recipe from Jule's Gluten Free Geisha site). I've had snacks of 3 satsumas, a banana and a slice of brown soda bread. I also had something naughty (one of their chocolate cornflake squares) at Starbucks after the gym but I've counted it.

This is probably going to sound a bit strange after what I said above about diets but I've started again with Sparkpeople to log calories and exercise. The reason I am doing this is not to be on a 'diet' but to just make sure I'm drinking enough water and getting balance in my diet. I want to avoid getting too focused on the calories because of the panic thing I mentioned above.

Anyway, my next appointment with the endocrinologist is 3 December and I don't want to be heavier than I was last time I saw him! The plan is exercise and eat healthy. I'm going to get back into my 'Walk away the pounds' DVDs. Every morning before work. then I will do evening classes when I can. I've given notice at Esporta as I can join the student union gym for half the price. Once I start there, I will go every lunch time. Exercise works for me because I genuinely love it.

Anyway - hope you are all having a good time wherever you are...

Gee Thanks!

2007-10-19T20:29:59Z

I knew I had a few regular readers but your concerned comments were a lovely surprise.

In truth, I feel a bit embarrassed because I think it was just a hormonal dip. (Blokes might want to avoid the rest of the paragraph...) The acupuncturist I was seeing for a while told me my periods were most definitely not normal and she promised to sort them out - but I couldn't afford to keep paying £35 a week plus chinese herbs to see whether she could have sorted it out - and anyway I was a bit sceptical. What they call 'flooding' runs in my family and I always have one day (usually day 2 or 3 - this time it was day 4) where I bleed very heavily and pass about 5 or 6 50p (or cent) sized blood clots. And when I wrote that last post, it was the night before that day. I'm always suggesting to my partner that he keep a mood diary so he can tell his doctor if there are any patterns emerging - maybe I need to take my own advice?

Workwise I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. Before I go on, I will say that the new job is exactly the kind of thing I wanted and I am genuinely happy with my choice. So - taking that as a base, these are the challenges I am facing:
1. My new boss starting a 4 day a week secondment and her position being advertised as a secondment opportunity - so I really like my boss and I think I can learn a lot from her but she's disappearing except for 1 day a week (when she will have specific tasks to do) and I will have to be managed by an unknown person now.
2. The scope of the new role is massive. I have worked in universities for about 4 years now and have loads of skills and knowledge (or else they wouldn't have chosen me) but I am now 2nd in charge in a section which deals with everything from the time a student is enrolled until they graduate. Everything. Every question I've had asked of me since I started is different to the one before. The parameters of my role are massive.
3. My team are lovely but there has been an undercurrent (it is diminishing). I knew there had been a restructure which resulted in the vacancies. It turns out that at least one person in the office applied for the job I got and I beat them in the interview (I have suspicions about 1 or 2 others but don't know how it would look if I asked outright). This happened with each of the senior roles that were available so I imagine there are a few disgruntled people and their friends in the office. That they tend to know a lot more about the work involved than those of us who came from outside is a bit difficult. In my case, I feel secure that I was chosen because I had the right attitude and aptitude they were looking for - they knew I had no direct registry experience. But it is still a concern to me that my team members, who are on lower grades, know more about the rules and regs and ways of doing things than I do. I feel under pressure to bone up quickly.
4. All this is happening at our busiest time of year. There is no time to really sit down with anyone and learn properly. At the same time I spent all day yesterday in pointless 'management' meetings. Consequently I am really behind in the piles on my desk. I am already wondering how early I can get in in the mornings to try to catch up. I meant to bring some work home and forgot - which is probably a good thing. I've been to the gym twice since I started there and I know working out has a positive effect on my moods so that needs to be factored in somehow.

In summary - I am so pleased I left that awful job I had and this one opens up a whole new world - and one I am genuinely interested in. This is all good. I'm not thinking of running away. But I feel very behind and under a lot of pressure. If I can make it work, I think I'll be really happy there. But I need to find a way of coping in the meantime. (I've only been on facebook a couple of times since I started as well and my yahoo inboxes are getting out of hand!)

This weekend I am doing a one day writing course at City Lit on Sunday. It's an effort to start thinking about my creative side again. i have had some good ideas recently but have not had the headspace to develop them.

Anyway - thanks again. I do value the support I get online!

Not sure I should be posting right now...

2007-10-16T17:45:51Z

Hi

I think I've been reasonably upbeat lately so hopefully this depressing entry is a change of tack - but I apologise if I'm looking back with rose-tinted glasses and I've been a miserable git for ages...

Just feeling really really down at the moment. Quite alone as well.

I can't lay this down on Dan right as he's under pressure at work and in a bad phase with his depression. He burst into tears at work yesterday. I wonder if he needs a higher dose or to see another counsellor/support group?

My family are not a good sharing environment. I feel too far away from kiwi friends to talk about my feelings and I haven't done that with my UK friends before.

The thing is - I just don't know what's wrong with me. I'm enjoying my new job. It's pretty full on but I'm coping. My money situation sucks but it's temporary and I should be back on track in a couple of months. I've got social engagements in the diary. I've lost enough weight to feel normal for the first time in my life.

Yet here I am, sitting at my desk at work at 6.40pm, feeling like I've got the world on my shoulders. If I knew what would help, I'd do it. I just feel like I can hardly be bothered to leave to go home - and it's not that I don't want to be home - it's purely that low motivation that comes from feeling low.

Also - I've noticed I am feeling a bit paranoid - that people are talking about me or avoiding me or whatever. I think I'm just a bit insecure right now.

Anyway - I am going to leave now and head home. But if any of you have any suggestions for mood enhancement (legal and cheap!) - I'd be really grateful. I have to support Dan at the moment and just can't afford to be so gloomy myself! I guess it could be hormonal...

Drunk and about to watch the England-France game...

2007-10-13T19:02:01Z

I've had a delicious day at home and started on a few drinks in the afternoon. I'm now a bit squiffy and Dan and I are about to watch the rugby.

Feeling a bit sad because the All Blacks are not in the mix. I do think Graham Henry should be looking for another job. I thought he was the man for the job but he delivered the worst result we've had and the team performed badly last week. There was no space for Douggie Howlett, who was this week arrested for criminal damage in London, and I think he needed a super reason to not find any space for DH. The jumping on the cars could so easily be letting off stream after being left out of the team - our highest try scorer ever! After a week of thinking about it, Graham Henry has to take to responsibility. He's the boss.

Anyway - go England tonight. And happy birthday to my darling nephew Aidan, who I will call after the game.

Wow!

2007-10-08T17:26:08Z

That RE post prompted some debate. I am astounded that things have changed so much in NZ since I was a teacher.

When I trained (late 90s) schools did not teach any RE (except faith schools as I said). I can see why some people would think it was a good thing to know something about religions in the world - but that's why I think it fits as part of social studies - learning about cultures and things like that. I taught in South Auckland and the Pacific Island communtiies tend to be quite religious but all that was taught by their own families at home and when they went to church.

I remember reading about a year ago that the Minister for Education wrote to schools reminding them that children were not be be expected to pray at assembly.

It's a far cry from UK schools. The state religion here is the Anglican brand of christianity and unless you go to a different faith school, the school will have elements of Anglican prayer etc in the assembly - i.e. where all children have to particpate. As an atheist it would incense me but I also felt for those who had different faiths. Why should they be expected to pray to a god they don't believe in?

I very much believe religion is something private and practised within a family or church community. that said, I do think children need to be brought up with values such as tolerance of other religions. I just can't stand the idea that someone would dislike someone else because of their religion. For me it's live and let live. I've got my ideas and you've got yours - they might not always coincide but that doesn't mean we don't have some things in common.

On that peaceful note, I'll sign off because it's 6.25pm and I haven't left the office yet!

We lost!

2007-10-07T10:25:41Z

Got quite depressed last night after the All Blacks were defeated by France. In hindsight it's a bit funny - I cheered on France's first 3 points as we were 13-0 up at that stage and I didn't want it to be a whitewash! How my generosity of spirit comes back to haunt me...

I wonder if Graham Henry will lose his job? He is supposed to be a genius but this is the first time ever that we have not gone to the semis.

I just watched a frightening programme on TV about whether creationism should be given any respect in science lessons at school. There was a science teacher of 25 years who tells her students that evolution is a theory and evidence such as fossils are not an absolute truth! I found myself in the uncomfortable position of supporting Clare Short when she said that woman was not fit to be a science teacher. Damn right.

I have a lot of friends from various religious backgrounds and with current faith beliefs and I defend everyone's right to believe whatever religious teachings they want. One of my facebook friends is an Anglican priest who I worked with on a local campaign. BUT I don't think this should be taught in school. And definitely not in science!!!!

In New Zealand, you only get RE if you go to a faith school. In state schools any religious stuff comes under the banner of social studies - and that's the way I like it. If we do find ourselves still in England with school age children (hope not!) I would demand they opt out of RE or home school. I feel that strongly about it.

Bye LighterLife and thanks for the 27 kgs gone!

2007-10-06T18:11:40Z

Within an hour of posting my last entry I had the realisation that I just couldn't afford LighterLife anymore. It's expensive to not eat! 28 Foodpacks (1 week's worth of packs) costs £66 and each LL counsellor is self-employed and has their own payment arrangements. Mine can't take credit cards. I'm broke and the only space I have at all until payday on 31 October is on two credit cards.

(I know this is not the best way to pay for essentials but needs must this month!)

In the UK we get paid monthly. My old job paid on the 24th of each month (although that included payment for up to the end of each month) and I left on the 20th. So immediately I only got 20/30 of my usual salary. I also owed them 5 days holidays I had taken over my limit for the time of the year. Ipso facto - I got paid less than half my usual monthly salary. My new job pays on the last working day of the month so I have 5 weeks to survive from 2 weeks worth of pay. Mortgage has to be paid and I thought I had covered my other bills but I had a few mishaps and ended up with £100 of charges! Not helping...

So anyway - long story short - I'm using my last week of packs in a kind of management style - 2 packs plus a meal and a snack. Then I think I'll follow the South beach diet. It's worked fabulously well for Jeanette of PastaQueen fame and it's low carb but not as extreme as Atkins. I also already have a freebie book that was handed out with Cosmo a couple of years ago.

Anyway, LighterLife has given my weight loss a tremendous boost and I am so grateful that I did it. It's pretty hardcore and not for everyone. I feel pretty confident I won't pile it all back on.

Got in a real snit today. I had a Clarins body massage booked for this afternoon (it was free as I had accumulated enough points from previous treatments) and an hour before I was due to be there, they rang to say there had been a mess-up with the bookings and the therapist couldn't do more than 2 in a day and she'd just had one before. At this point they offered to do a facial instead. I said no - if I wanted a facial, I would have booked a facial. Why should I have to pay for a treatment I didn't want and didn't book just because they had made a mistake? I made this appointment on 28/8/07 and they are only informing me of a problem now - one hour before the booking. You can't get another appointment in the next month. They were not prepared to do anything at all. They tried to say they had been calling before and my mobile had been switched off - it hadn't and there were no missed calls. I asked when they called and who called and the bitch hung up on me.

I've really had it with the poor customer service you get in England. No-one gives a shit. Everytime someone like this makes a mistake it's the customer who has to make concessions. I've made an alternative appointment with another skinspa but not until 24 November! What happens until then?

With the stress I've been under, I could really have done with the treatment! Especially since it wasn't costing me anything. If I book something with another spa, I'd have to find some way to pay for it...

Congratulations to England who beat the Aussies today. Of course, this cause a slight dilemma in our flat for next week - presuming the All Blacks beat the French tonight. It could be daggers at dawn...

Quickie

2007-10-03T21:02:21Z

A very quick post to assure you I haven't died. I have a proper post brewing in my head actually but no time tonight to type it.

New job is going OK. Overall it is 100% better than the ld one. The team are really busy with registrations and no-one really interacts with me. My new boss is lovely and encouraging but hasn't given me any structured work to do or a plan for spending time with the team members and finding out what they do or any of that. She is also being seconded to another area on a 0.8 basis - so soon I'll only see her once a week. I am debating whether I should write my own training plan and just take it to her for approval. It's difficult - does she want to see me show that kind of initiative or are they just waiting for the busy period to calm down and have plans? I think I might jot some stuff down and see what I think of it.

Weight wise - the trend is downwards but in a bit of a yoyo fashion. Two weeks ago I had put on and then I lost 10 lbs mid week. Then I put on 7 lbs. This week I lost 3 lbs. That's okay and it's a loss but I feel a bit shit about it because I haven't been abstinent this week and I know I'm not really following the plan properly. I am beginning to wonder if my time might be coming to an end... LL really works BUT you have to follow it. If I'm not giving 100%, I'm not sure what the point is. Still trying though. Will have another go at abstinence tomorrow...

Weekend away

2007-09-24T14:49:03Z

I have arrived home from a blissful weekend at Centreparcs Elveden Forest.

Six of us shared a 3 bed executive villa with ensuite bathroom in each bedroom and a private sauna. We were attending one of their Fitness Motivation weekends with Kevin Adams, Anton Simmha and Armand Beazley. However, it would be better named a girls just wanna have fun weekend.

We arrived on Friday and when I met up with the others they had devoured 2 bottles of wine with lunch. We settled into the villa and drank some wine that we had brought with us. That night we ate at the family steak restaurant (I had a sirloin) and we drank two bottles of wine between us. After dinner we went to the welcome party and I danced nonstop until the other girls wanted to go home.

On Saturday we had powerdance with Kevin Adams at 11am and I had booked a Decleor Body treatment for 12. Pure luxury. I was exfoliated from head to toe and then showered. The therapist then applied oils and moisturiser and spent half an hour on a very good firm back massage. Back at the villa I drank some water and had a sauna. Karen arrived back from here 1-2-1 session with Armand Beazley and we all oohhed and aarrhhed over the result. (Karen is a beautiful woman who can sometimes be a bit OTT (in my opinion) with her makeup and he had made her look glamorous without going too far.) At 3pm we had yoga with Anton Simmha and then we went back to the villa and drank some wine while getting ready to go for dinner. We ate at the Indian restaurant on Saturday night (I had chicken dhansak) and we shared 2 bottles of wine and a large jug of water. Back at the villa we watched 'The Devil wears Prada' on DVD and drank yet more wine.

On Sunday I woke up at 8am and went out for a 40 minute bike ride. Everyone wanted some Sunday papers and I offered to go on the bike and get them but I absolutely refused to bring back a Mail on Sunday! Kim went for her 1-2-1 session and again we were impressed with the results. I had my 1-2-1 session with Armand at 12pm and that was good. I will take his advice. Back at the villa, 3 of us had a pina colada while the others were using the bikes. At 3pm, we had the 'You're Gorgeous' presentation with Armand and after that Karen and Jo rushed off to take Andrea to the train station (she hadn't taken Monday off work and had to get back). The other 3 of us headed back to the villa and got ready for our 'World of Spa' session. In the world of spa there are various steam rooms and a hydrotherapy pool and water beds to relax in. We spent 2 hours in there and then met the others at the same steak restaurant for dinner. I had a Texan burger. The five of us shared two bottles of wine and a jug of water. I slept like a log !

The whole weekend was warm and sunny. We woke up this morning to heavy rain and the spell had been broken. Packed the car and got back to Romford by lunchtime... Now back on the diet - to frightened to get on the scales and see what I've gained. One of the other women was also on the same diet but we were both very naughty indeed. Still I had a fabulous time and really don't regret it.

Facebook

2007-09-19T22:29:31Z

After what seems like an age of deleting the emails from friends wanting me to join Facebook... I have relented and joined Facebook.

Please don't let this turn into another obsession...

If any of my bloggy friends are on Facebook, look me up...

BTW: My email is kiwirevo@yahoo.co.uk which should link you to me - or email me and I'll tell you my name in full...

politics for a change...

2007-09-19T21:06:26Z

Not sure if this is going to work or not but I saw one of the most disturbing you tube vids on a friend's blog today. I wanted to share it because I just think we should be aware of the ways free speech is being eroded every day.

So what's it all about? The guy on the video is at a student meeting in the US where John Kerry (former Democrat presidential candidate) is leading a Q&A. This student asks John Kerry a few difficult questions - why did he concede the 2004 election to George Bush when it can be proved that Kerry actually won that election plus another about Iran. At that point a group of police drag him away and he's yelling 'I just want to ask my questions' and they force him to the ground and cuff him and because he still hasn't 'gone quietly' they shoot him with a tazer gun. oh yes. I don't know how many volts in a tazer but who cares.

Oh - and by the way - tazers are being distributed to every UK police force as we speak... I had better be careful about the kinds of questions I ask in meetings from now on...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CheY0jYXJjY

Ok - it doesn't work - but cut and paste into your search engine and it goes straight there...

Things to be thankful for...

2007-09-15T18:50:07Z

Happy happy happy today! And I am counting the ways...

1.   I lost an amazing 10 lbs in my pop-in this morning. Trying not to be unrealistic about it - after all I know that with my normal weigh in being at 8pm and I usually am 4 lbs heavier in the evening compared to the morning, I need to lose 4 lbs in the next 3 days to be the same weight on Tuesday night. I'm going to try really hard! Also that 10 lbs is glycogen that I had put on over the past fortnight. BUT it means I am back on track - and the BMI is under 35!

2.   I leave that horrible job this week. Even if the new job is difficult, I can start afresh with a clean slate in the new place. I just can't wait!

3.   I got to see my friend's baby today. He is turning 6 months old on Monday and is so adorable! Such a happy baby and I got lots of cuddles...

4.   West Ham won 3-0 and for a brief moment we were 4th in the premiership table. Now 5th apparently.

5.   New Zealand seem to be going from strength to strength in the World Cup. Although the Springboks beat England last night, I didn't see a team capable of beating the All Blacks on a good day. Australia are another kettle of fish and look really strong. I am predicting a NZ v Aus final.

6.   David Tennant and Patrick Stewart are playing the RSC season of Hamlet next year. I have just become a member so we can book tickets early.

Life is good.

Check out my new waist! I've uploaded my progress shot to flickr (can't upload it to here as I don't have the right account). http://www.flickr.com/photos/danandsandra/

Where to start?

2007-09-12T09:53:39Z

I haven't posted for a few days and there is a lot to go through,so I'll divide into categories...

Work: Has been truly awful. Some of that my own fault and other bits due to the poisonous bitches in the office. I am really trying not to let their negativity affect me so close to leaving (only 7 more working days!) but it is really hard to smile and grit your teeth when they are just so nasty. One picked a fight with me the other day and I should have just let it go but I did bite back. then yesterday they did their usual trick of talking really loudly about how management are going to crack down on certain people. I'm not sure what they think they are going to achieve. I walk away from here next Thursday - management can bluster all they like about whatever but they cannot sack me or discipline me so I am hardly going to be quaking in my boots...
The thing I did was - last week on Friday I was running late. We were going to Manchester for the weekend and I hadn't packed everything and I felt really tired from Prince the night before. Anyway I finally got on the train after 9am (we have flexitime where you work your 35 hours and as long as you are in by 10am, it's up to you how you work them) and I looked in my diary to see what time my afternoon meeting was - and I saw that I should ahve been at a 9am meeting. This is a quarterly meeting with senior management of the college and one of our partners and I had completely forgotten about it. I was mortified and called one of the PAs to apologise and explain that I was on my way but wouldn't make it in time for the meeting. I genuinely felt bad about what happened. I sent an email out to everyone as soon as I got in apologising and taking full responsibility for what happened. Still the big cheese came out of his office and hit the roof. He yelled and hopped about (I know what hopping mad is now) and I apologised again. Now I have stopped feeling bad - although I obviously wish I'd been better orgainsed but I can't turn back time. End of. I had made a mistake and took responsibility and apologised. What more could I do - and I'm leaving next week anyway.
The fact is that man is a bully. I know what is really getting to him is that he cannot punish me as I am leaving.

Diet: Really struggling right now. I just don't seem to be able to get through a whole day without eating something. Talked about it in group last night and I'm going to try really hard this week. I have a pop in on Saturday. It's only 10.30am but so far, so good. Mind you my difficult time seems to be on the way home from work or when I first get in. So I need to plan my routine.

Social: Had a great time at Prince but just almost caused a fight and that made Dan really nervous. We were in the last row on the first tier at the venue and behind us was a space for people to stand and wheelchair users etc. There were 3 women sitting there - one with her ankle raised on another chair and clearly completely pissed out of her head. She was talking to her firends at the top of her voice in the way drunk people do - not making any sense - over the top of all the quiet songs. Every now and agains he seemed to remember she was ata concert and let out a hugh WOO but always at inappropriate times (i.e. not at the end of a song or the end of a rift or whatever). Several people were turnign around and glaring at them but they were oblivious and these people didn't have the guts to do anything about it. After several songs of this, I stood up and turned around and told them to shut up. Probably not in the most polite of ways but I doubt that would ahve made any difference. From then on she turned on me calling me a miserable bitch and threatening to punch my lights out and an f***ing c***. As Dan said later - she was a rough-as-old-boots South London bird. Still - it was result as her fiends obviously decided she was causing too much of a comotion and moved her away somewhere else and we didn't see her again. I know Dan would rather I stayed out of it but if everyone does that she ruins our night. I just objected to having spent that money and be stuck having to listen to some drunk cow raving on at her friends.
So a bit of drama for the night but Prince was amazing. It was one of the best concerts I have ever been to.

I enjoyed being in Manchester. I was there for the AGM of an organisation I am involved with. That went well. Dan went to the Doctor Who exhibition and the People's History Museum. On Sunday the meeting finished early enough for us both to be present on a demonstration supporting Karen Reissman. Karen is a psychiatric nurse who has been suspended by her Trust for speaking to the media about cuts in mental health in Manchester. Unison members have been taking strike action to call for her reinstatement. It is a significant case to be defended - for the rights of union activists and whistleblowers.

Anyway - I'd better get back to clearing my emails and my desk. Yippee!

Quickie

2007-09-06T16:02:00Z

A quick one as I'm off to have a shower and then go meet Dan and we're off to see Prince at O2.

At weigh in last night I put on all the weight I lost last week. It has been a difficult week. Probably, if I'm honest, starting with my planned birthday dinner. Then away for the weekend I ate the cooked breakfast because we stayed in a B&B and I'd paid for it. The thing with the endocrinologist upset me and I felt down for the next few days. Down for me equals eating and I really did go to town in the couple of days before weigh in.

Still I did turn up to group! I accepted the gain. Now to move on. I had hoped for a perfect day today but I've been really hungry as I'm out of ketosis and it's like day 1 again. The only difference is it's easier to slip up. So I started my packs a bit too early I think and about an hour ago, having had 3 packs, ate 2 boiled eggs, some canned tuna and 3 small pots of low fat custard. Still that's done with and I have a pack left today, which I'll have before walking out the door, and take my water to concert. Tomorrow is another day. I'm only taking packs with me to Manchester so I can only lapse if I buy something. I might leave my money with Dan.

Anyway - off to shower now...

Bloody doctors...

2007-09-03T16:13:11Z

Apologies to Kylie though - I never think of you as one of them...

Had an appointment this morning with an endocrinologist, which has finally come around since my fertility specialist asked me to be referred due to my weight. An endocrinologist knows about hormones and things - and usually is involved in diabetes treatment and one of the usual treatments for women with PCOS and who are overweight is diabetes meds. Anyway, I've lost 25kg in the time they've been mucking about with waiting lists and I felt pretty proud of myself and was aboutt eh tell him all about it and he took one look at the booklet I'd brough in and said 'oh - you're on lighterlife are you?'. His SpR came in and he said sarcastically 'we've got another one on lighterlife'. So that was me put into my hole. He then proceeded to ask me questions about my medical history and whenever I tried to expand on something or give some explanation, he cut me off. His general tone was as though I was a naughty child. At the end he decided not to give me any medication and to allow me to continue on the diet but he couldn't resist giving me a lecture and asking me how much it cost (guffaws at that) and then how many calories it was (more guffaws) and so on. Actually it was clear by the questions he was asking that he didn't know very much about it at all.

All in all, I felt quite annoyed by the end. I'm not here to defend the diet because if it was making me ill, I'd stop it. If he had told me to stop it and to do something else, I would have followed his advice. But it all just seemed like a power trip. He expected to be the great god of weight loss for me but I'd already done something for myself. He cannot produce the results LL is.

I see him again in December for review. I think I'll be just about finished with LL by then. I've been rethinking my goals. When I started the diet I thought I'd take it as far as I could and get into a healthy BMI range. While I still think that would be cool, the reality is that would take me into February 2008. I am now thinking that I want to be finished by the end of the year and to start trying to conceive again early next year. By the end of the year I will definitely be below BMI30, which I need to be for treatment. I did this to get pregnant - not to be a size 10. It's time to refocus on what is really important. The clock is ticking and I'm not going to waste time striving for something I didn't really want in the first place.

Thanks for the comments on my work colleague. I thought a lot about that later. I think part of my feelings were to do with feeling a bit put out that they are using my departure to offer something better to her - and why couldn't they have offered that to me? But then again, I don't want to be here. Another offer would not have changed that! So time to put it behind me. Anyway, I have decided that in the next 3 weeks I do what i need to do to finish and no more. If she wants the job and the responsibility - she can have it! Makes my next few weeks a lot easier...

kiwirevo @ 2007-08-30T15:45:00

2007-08-30T15:00:49Z

Following on from last night's post about anger - I feel a bit betrayed today at work. Someone I like a lot has been playing her cards close to her chest and I've just found out that she is benefitting from my resignation and has been offered a position linemanaging my replacement and the person I would have line managed had I stayed.

On the one hand - good for her. I like her and I want her to do well. But on the other hand - why was she so secretive about it? It makes me wonder if there is something else going on...

I'm quite an open and upfront person. You ask me what I know and I tell you. (Not particularly good at keeping secrets!) I happily share information. Maybe it just irks that others aren't like that. This person had been asking me for all kinds of information and I've been passing it on because I do that - I don't build empires. But now I know that information was part of planning this new managers role and I feel a bit used.

Is this unreasonable of me? I thought this person was a friend...