Koleksi Lawak GyLerZ

How To Save The World?

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 20:05:00 PST

It's too easy to save the world. Just type "The World" and click save. Easy right? Haha..

Email from: sman_hai_tiger

Who Says Our English Is Teruk?

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 20:15:00 PST

Just see below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-point, effective etc..

=============================
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
=============================
Britons : I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians : No Stock.

===============
RETURNING A CALL
===============
Britons : Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians : Hello, who page?

=========================
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
=========================
Britons : Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians : S-kew me..

=========================
WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
=========================
Britons : Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians : No-need-lah.

=========================
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
=========================
Britons : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians : (pointing the door) Can arrr..?

================
WHEN ENTERTAINING
================
Britons : Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians : Don't be shy-lah!

====================
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
====================
Britons : I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians : Where got?

=====================
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
=====================
Britons : I'd prefer not to do that, if you don’t mind.
Malaysians : Don't want-lah..

======================================
IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
======================================
Britons : Err..Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians : You mad, ah?

=======================================
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE
=======================================
Britons : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians : Shut up-lah!

======================================
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU
======================================
Britons : Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time..Do I know you?
Malaysians : See what, see what..?

===============================
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION
===============================
Britons : We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians : Die-lah..!!

=======================================
WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
=======================================
Britons : Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians : Wat happen? Why like that..?

===============================
WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
===============================
Britons : This isn't the way to do it here, let me show you.
Malaysians : Like that also don't know how to do! Aiyoo!!

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WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
================
Britons : Would you mind not disturbing me?
Malaysians : Celaka U!!!

Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

My Interview With Ultraman

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 21:32:00 PDT

Recently I met up with my idol Ultraman in Tokyo, Japan, the city he has saved many times over from evil; destructive monsters. We met at an intersection downtown, bought drinks from a vending machine and sat on the kerb for this interview.

Me: Konichiwa, Ultraman-san!

Ultraman: Apa khabar, Visiteur-san!

Me: Wow! Ultraman reti cakap bahasa?

Ultraman: Mestilah, beb! Gua ada ramai peminat di seluruh dunia. Gua kenalah belajar macam-macam bahasa.

Me: Cool! So, what you been up to, dude?

Ultraman: A bit tired. Fought a monster last night in Fukushima prefecture. We fought until we reached the seaside in Hamadori. A lot of people died.

Me: The monster killed so many.

Ultraman: Actually, gua terjatuh and terhimpit diorang.

Me: Er, I see. Banyak lagi ke monster kat dunia ni?

Ultraman: Adalah. Tapi diorang dah malas nak lawan. Dah ada agent and publicist. Merchandising rights. Suma lawan nak dapat market share je. Boringlah, beb!

Me:I see. So camne brader-brader lu? Ultraman Tiga, Ultraman Taro?

Ultraman: They all OK. Tiga dah bersara. Sekarang dia bukak restoran sushi kat Shinjuku. Bini dia baru beranak.

Me: Wow!

Ultraman: Yeah. Bini dia makhluk Bumi. So at first, family gua bantah, sebab we all boleh kahwin ngan orang Planet Ultra je. But thank the Ultra-Gods, my father, Ultraman yang bertanduk tu, finally gave his blessings. Cucu dia tu bertanduk jugak, so happylah dia.

Me: What about Taro?

Ultraman: Taro tengah buat multi-level marketing, jual ubat untuk kuatkan tenaga batin.

Me: Eh, naper Ultraman suma tak nak jadi superhero lagi?

Ultraman: Tulah. Nowadays terlalu ramai superhero. Gabanlah, Power Rangerlah, inilah, itulah. Yang paling teruk si Baja Hitam tulah. Lawan cam pondan tapi marketing power dia kuat. Sebab tu boleh jadi popular. I always say, never trust superhero yang bawak motosikal, superhero yang pakai topeng pelik-pelik. We all Ultramen don’t need all that cosmetic shit.

Me: Wow, marahnya Ultraman.

Ultraman: Siapa tak marah? Bagero! Superhero ciplak ni suma tak originallah. And they all no integrity or morals. Last week, I dengar Gaban kena tangkap ngan gadis bawah umur. You see?

Me: Man, that is sad.

Ultraman: Tulah. That’s why kalau tak Ultra, memang tak worldlah.

Me: Wuhu! Lu peminat Mawi ke?

Ultraman: Adalah sikit-sikit.

Me: So, Ultraman, what's your future plan? You going to give up being a superhero too?

Ultraman: No way. I love my job too much. But my girlfriend complains that I work such long hours. And when I come home at night, I'm always tired and my chest light is always beeping.

Me: Woooo! Sounds like you might need some of that ubat from your brader Taro.

Ultraman: Good idea! I better give him a call tonight.

At this point, Ultraman receives a distress call from Yokohama, where a monster is attacking the train station. So off he went, into the blue yonder, to fight yet another worthy adversary.

World!

Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

Is He My Son??

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 22:18:00 PDT

Old John married younger woman Mary and had four children. Three were normal and doing usual. But the fourth Pappy was out of way, ugly, naughty and causing anxiety to John that Pappy was really not his son. John was on death bed and he decided to clarify that with Mary.

He asked, "Mary, with your hand on your heart, please tell me Pappy is my son."

Mary with her hand on heart announced, "John, my dear husband, Pappy is your son."

John died happily leaving vast wealth to Mary. Mary crossed her heart and prayed, "Thanks Jesus that he did not ask the same for three other children, and you know I would not have lied."

Email from: sanskriti_patel

Super Duper Computer

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 21:04:00 PDT

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO : I’m going to click your blue ‘W’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

( A few days later )

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'....

Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

Jaguh Pedang Spanyol, Samurai Jepun Dan Pendekar Silat

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 23:54:00 PDT

Dalam satu pertandingan senjata tajam dunia, tiga orang peserta berjaya ke peringkat akhir. Jaguh pedang dari Sepanyol, samurai Jepun dan pendekar silat dari Malaysia. Di peringkat akhir, semua peserta dikehendaki menunjukkan kemampuan membunuh seekor lalat dengan menggunakan sebilah pedang.

Kotak lalat dibuka, seekor lalat terbang dengan lincahnya, sang jaguh pedang dari Sepanyol menghunuskan senjata dan mengibasnya dengan pantas. Tubuh lalat itu terpotong dua. Penonton bersorak mengkaguminya. Giliran samurai Jepun menghunuskan senjatanya. Kepantasan samurai Jepun memang tiada tandingan, dengan secepat kilat tubuh lalat kedua terbahagi tiga. Penonton berdiri bertepuk tangan memuji sang samurai.

Kini giliran pendekar silat dari Malaysia. Segera ia menghunus pedangnya, mengibas ke kiri dan ke kanan. Lalat ketiga masih terbang di udara, tetapi ‘penerbangan’nya agak berbeza. Juri dan penonton yang semenjak tadi menahan nafas terpaku dan kehairanan melihatkan lalat tersebut masih utuh dan terbang. Melihat reaksi demikian, sang pendekar segera berkata, "Tuan-tuan jangan salah sangka, lalat tu baru saja saya sunatkan."

Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

Dying Granny..

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 22:21:00 PDT

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter:

"I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash".

The granddaughter replied: "Wow!!" 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??"

Granny says with her last dying breath..."It's on my Facebook".

Email from: faizal afif

Would I Get Into Heaven?

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 06:34:00 PDT

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Email from: shammi.garg22

Aladdin Dengan Lampu Ajaib

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 20:26:00 PDT

Ada sorang negro ni telah sesat di padang pasir sorang-sorang, dah beberapa hari dia tak makan dan tak minum. Dia berjalan tanpa ada bekalan, perut dan terlalu lapar, dahaga dah tak boleh nak cakap, tapi dia masih berharap dapat keluar dari padang pasir tu.

Pada hari seterusnya, waktu panas matahari tengah terik, dia dah mula tak mampu nak berjalan, terlalu perlahan, hinggalah dia terpaksa merangkak, tiba-tiba semasa merangkak tu di pasir tu, macam cerita dulu-dulu, dia terjumpa botol, macam botol kicap, siap ada penutup gabus lagi.

Cepat-cepat dia cabut penutup gabus tu, untung-untung ada air, tapi bukan air yang keluar, asap yang keluar, dan tiba-tiba satu jin menjelma depan dia..

"Terima kasih tuan, kerana melepaskan saya dari botol ini, buatlah tiga permintaan, wahai tuan."

Apa lagi, seronoklah si negro tu. Dia pun cepat-cepat minta perkara yang dia nak, untung-untung dapat.

"Wahai jin, aku nak tiga perkara tu, pertama, aku nak duduk tempat yang selalu ada air, kedua, aku nak jadik putih, ketiga, he he..yang ini tak taulah kalau boleh, aku nak selalu tengok punggung perempuan, boleh ke?"

"BOLEEEEEEEH, tuan bersiap sedia, saya akan penuhi sekarang juga."

PING!
Maka terciptalah mangkuk tandas kat rumah korang.

Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

Mahasiswa Dengan Pengemis Tua

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 21:16:00 PDT

Seorang mahasiswa sedang asyik berbicara dengan seorang pengemis tua di depan kampus UITM.

Mahasiswa: Sudah lama mengemis di sini pakcik?

Pengemis: Ya..lebih kurang sudah 8 tahun, nak.

Mahasiswa: Wah, sudah lama juga ya pakcik..sehari biasanya dapat berapa pakcik?

Pengemis: Paling sedikit RM50.00 nak..

Mahasiswa: Banyak juga ya pakcik

Pengemis: Bolehlah nak, untuk keluarga..

Mahasiswa: Ehhhh..keluarga ada di mana?

Pengemis: Anak pakcik semuanya ada 3 orang, yang pertama ada di Universiti Putra Malaysia di Selangor, yang kedua ada di Universiti Utara Malaysia di Kedah dan yang ketiga di Universiti Sains Malaysia di Penang..

Mahasiswa: Subhanallah, hebat-hebat keluarga pakcik ni..boleh tahan juga yerrr..Eh..Anak pakcik tu semuanya masih kuliah?

Pengemis: Tak arrrrrr..semuanya mengemis seperti pakcik..!!

Email from: Muhd Zumairi

Perempuan Tua Dengan Doktor

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 21:09:00 PDT

Seorang perempuan tua berjumpa seorang doktor dan bertanya, "Doktor, saya ada masalah dengan perut yang selalu berangin, tapi ianya tidak pernah mengganggu saya..kentut saya tak pernah berbau, dan senyap. Jadi saya selalu kentut. Doktor meminta penjelasan lebih lanjut dari perempuan tua itu dan perempuan tua itu berkata, "Sebenarnya, saya sudah kentut sebanyak 20 kali ketika berada dihadapan doktor. Mungkin doktor tak tau sebab kentut saya tidak berbau dan senyap." Sambil menarik nafas..dan tersekat2..Doktor itu menjawab, "Ok,sekarang ambil pil ini dan datang jumpa saya minggu depan."

Seminggu selepas itu, perempuan tua itu kembali. "Tuan doktor," panggilnya sambil marah-marah, "Saya tak tau pil apa yang yang doktor beri pada saya, tapi sekarang kentut saya..walaupun masih senyap..tapi baunya sangat busuk." Doktor itu membalas, "Bagus!!! kita sudah mengubati hidung makcik yang tersumbat, sekarang, mari saya periksa telinga makcik."

Moral of the story: Berjaga-jagalah ketika lepaskan angin tu, walaupun kita tak bau..tak dengar..tak bermakna orang lain pun tak dengar jugak! hehehehe..

Email from: Muhd Zumairi

Difference Between Complete & Finished

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 21:07:00 PDT

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

I beg to differ because, there is!!!

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "COMPLETELY FINISHED"!!

Email from: mjuliyana

Nama Panjaaaannnnnnnggggg...

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 21:16:00 PDT

Ajoi mendapat kerja sebagai guru sandaran di sebuah sekolah di Kulai.

Selepas memperkenalkan diri, dia menyemak nama murid-murid darjah 3 Raya dan merasa agak pelik semasa membaca nama seorang murid, iaitu "W.TAUFIK WWW".

Kemudian guru tersebut menanyakan perkara tersebut.

Cikgu Ajoi : "Cikgu nak tahu, siapa yang bernama W.TAUFIK WWW ?".

Taufik : "Saya Cikgu..." (Taufik menjawab & berdiri).

Cikgu Ajoi : "Taufik, saya ingin tahu nama panjang kamu apa?".

Taufik : "Maaf Cikgu Ajoi, panjang sangat..".

Cikgu Ajoi : "Takpe-takpe Taufik, cakap jer..".

Taufik : "Baik Cikgu , nama penuh saya ialah..Wabillahi TAUFIK-wal hidayah Wassalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh..".

Cikgu Ajoi menarik nafas panjang dan terdiam.

Setelah dari darjah 3 Raya, Cikgu Ajoi kemudian masuk ke darjah 1 Mawar dan menyemak nama murid-murid.

Mata Cikgu Ajoi tertuju pada 1 nama yang unik iaitu "BKBKBDB DIAN".

Kemudian Cikgu Ajoi menanyakan siapa muridnya yang mempunyai nama tersebut.

Berdirilah seorang murid dan menjawab "saya DIAN Cikgu..".

Semasa Cikgu Ajoi melihat wajah murid itu seiras muka Taufik darjah 3 Raya.

Cikgu Ajoi : "Dian ada abang di sekolah ini?".

Dian : "Ya Cikgu, nama dia TAUFIK. Abang saya darjah 3."

Cikgu Ajoi : "Saya ingin tahu nama panjang Dian apa pulak?".

Dian : "Baik Cikgu, nama panjang saya ialah..

Berakit-rakit Ke hulu Berenang-renang Ke tepian, Bersakit-sakit Dahulu Bersenang-senang kemuDIAN"

Cikgu Ajoi :@$%&#^%..Lalu pengsan~

Email from: Rizal Posmen

The Jokes of Nature

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 00:21:00 PDT

Email from: Dule121

Fools In The Paradise

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 23:17:00 PDT

Lalwa saw a wooden notice board in the middle of the big pond and had forgotten his eye glasses at home. He could not read, so he swam all the way to the board and read,

"Lake infiltrated with killing Crocodiles, do not swim."

Lalwa and Kalwa went to rob a bank and noticed they forgot to bring the gun from home. However, they did rob the bank.

They went to the Bank Manager Balwa their cousin, "Who told them go ahead rob the bank, I trust you, bring and show me your gun tomorrow."

Lalwa came from USA and was expecting wife to greet him at home who was not there. So he asked his son, "Hey Lallu, where is your Mom."

Lallu said, "Mom ran away with neighbor uncle."

Lalwa got mad and Yelled, "You SOB, how come you did not inform me when I talked to you so many times over phone."

Lallu explained, "Daddy, I thought you liked it, so I gave you a pleasant surprise."

Customer asked, "What it the guarantee that the mirror you trying sell would not break."

Delhi-ka-thug, "Sir if you drop this mirror from 100th floor it will not break until all the way to 99th floor down."

Lalwa, "99% strong OK pack it."

NASA sent three Lallu astronauts to moon flying their rocket.

But they returned from half way there. On inquiry they said, "It is dark moon day, there won't be any moon today in space.

Lalwa's dad died at home in India and he was crying in grief. A telephone rang, he responded and started crying even louder.

Friend asked what happened. He explained, "My sister called and her Dad also died today."

If Lalea want to dial 94494 94494.
how will he dial...?
He will first dial...94494
and then he will "REDIAL" 94494

Lalwa is this Banana for.

Vendor, "Oh $1.00 per pound.

Lalwa, "Would you sell it for 0.60 cents?

Vendor, "for 60 cents you would not get even pills of banana.

Lalwa, "Here 40 cents, do not give me banana pills just the banana inside.

Lalwa, "My wife fell down in our water well, must be badly hurt and she was screaming a lot."

Friend, "Oh what a mishap, but how is she now?"

Lalwa, "I guess she must be fine, I don't hear any scream from well any more."

Email from: Dule121

Giving Birth to Spaghettis

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 07:49:00 PDT

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted..

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without..
Send extra sauce

Tajupakalee

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 20:52:00 PDT

Lepas habis presentation kat kelas tadi perot gua jadi lapar tak tentu arah. Terus gua 'drop-by' kat sebuah kedai jual roti canai berhampiran kelas. Pelayan kedai roti canai yang berbangsa mamak ambil order gua berupa roti canai 2 keping banjir dan kopi 'o' ais.

Selesai urusan nafkah perot, gua ternampak satu dua kutu main laptop dari tadi, gua syak kedai mamak ni ada menyediakan perkhidmatan wifi secara free. Sebagai customer, gua rasa ada hak untuk guna wifi kedai roti canai tersebut secara free juga. Laptop di start-up dan wifi di carik. Tetiba laptop gua prompt satu window tanya password..

"Dey mamak, sini kejap" Gua memanggil mamak dan melambai tangan cara macam nak tanya soklah susah-susah kat lecturer dalam kelas.

"Yes boss?"

"Sini wifi aper dia punya password?"

"Ooo fast-wood kalu, manyak shinang..boss masuk sana wifi..sudah ka?" pelayan kedai roti canai mengarahkan gua masuk wifi sampai ada prompt window mintak password.

"Ok mamak, sekarang you bagi apa password"

"Ok boss amik ni arr..saya cakap satu kali boss terus tulis sana...dia punya fast-wood 'tajupakalee'" Style mamak tu bagi password kat gua macam nak bagi dadah, siap cakap slow kat tepi telinga.

Gua pun cekal menaip di ruangan password 'tajupakalee' dalam hati bercakap jugak "Giler susah password mamak ni..tinggi bahasa digunakan. Lantas gua tekan 'OK'

Ting..tong.. laptop canggih gua prompt lagi window tulis 'Password error!'. Hati gua dah start panas, mentang-mentang gua makan roti canai ajer 2 keping, takkan password pun tak leh nak bagi. Terus gua memanggil balik mamak tadi yang tengah sibuk amik order kat meja depan pulak.

"Dey tambi, betol ke you punya password. Tak boleh lah!!! main-main lah you!"

"Butol lah boss, sini tempat fast-wood musti 'tajupakalee'. Tak boleh tukar"

"You tengok sini saya tulis arrr 'tajupakalee', sekarang saya tekan 'OK'..haa you tengok salah lagi" Gua tengok mata mamak tu tepat2 sebagai tanda marah, mamak tengok mata gua sambil geleng kepala.

"Boss, lain kali saya cakap satu kali you dengar baik-baik..saya sudah cakap itu fastwood 'tajupakalee' you dengar arrr 'tajupakalee' dia punya tulis ini macam'taju, taju, taju, taju'. You ada sekolah ka?" Celaka betol mamak ni, boleh tahan gampang ayat dia.

Gua terus tekan butang 'shutdown' sambil cakap "tak per lah mamak, lain kali lah gua datang pakai lu punya wifi. Lain kali sebut betul-betul 'tujuh empat kali' boleh tak?"

Email from: Rizal Posmen

Mirror

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 01:54:00 PDT

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. "How 'bout that!" he exclaims, "Here's a picture of me Fadder."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror..

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

Email from: Liyana

Not All Rules To Be Followed

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 19:55:00 PDT

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look..I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only..Smith, Jones, Baker..that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling..My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is.............."

Email from: sanjana.rules

Cerita Orang Sakit

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Sun, 29 May 2011 10:39:00 PDT

Atas saranan doktor, Mamat dihantar untuk berubat di USA kerana penyakitnya yang
agak kritikal. Sesampainya di Hospital New York, Mamat dibawa ke bilik bedah dan
dipasangkan tiub getah kiri dan kanan.

Beberapa jam kemudian, seorang pesakit dari UK yang kelihatannya lebih parah dibawa
masuk dan diletak bersebelahan katil si Mamat. Si Mat Saleh ini walaupun kelihatannya
lemah, dia masih mencuba untuk berkomunikasi dengan Mamat. Dia mengangkat
tangannya dengan susah payah dan berkata: "United Kingdom..."
Mamat yang juga sedang lemah, menjawab: "Malaysian...”"

Setelah itu dua-duanya pengsan karena keletihan. Beberapa jam kemudian mereka kembali sedar dan cuba berkomunikasi lagi. Si Mat Saleh berkata dengan lemah: "James..." Dijawab dengan susah payah oleh
Mamat: "Mamat..."

Habis itu mereka pengsan lagi. Beberapa jam kemudian setelah sedar, mereka berdua
masih mencuba melanjutkan percakapannya. "Birmingham..." kata si Mat Saleh.
Dijawab Mamat: "Kuala Kangsar..." Pengsan lagi..

Tak lama kemudian mereka sedar dan masih mencuba untuk berbual. Si Mat Saleh yang
sudah hampir kehabisan nafas berkata: "Cancer..."
Dan dengan sisa-sisa nafas yang ada Mamat menyahut: "Capricorn...!"

Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

Muntah

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Sun, 22 May 2011 08:09:00 PDT

Seorang gadis kecil merasa badannya lemah dan sakit ketika dia berada di pasaraya bersama ibunya.

"Mama" kata gadis kecil itu.."Bolehkan kita balik sekarang?"
"Tidak" jawab ibunya.
"Ma, saya rasa hendak muntah!!" Kata gadis kecil itu.
"Keluarlah, pergi ke tandas di tingkat atas.."

Setelah kira-kira 20 saat, gadis kecil itu kembali ke tempat duduknya.

"Sudah selesai?" Tanya ibunya.
"Ya"
"Cepatnya?"
"Saya tidak pergi ke tingkat atas..Ma" kata anaknya lalu menyambung.."Kat tepi tu ada
sebuah kotak derma..di situ tertulis: UNTUK ORANG YANG SAKIT"

Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

Kisah Ajis Si Kaki Pancing

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Thu, 19 May 2011 20:06:00 PDT

Ajis memang kaki pancing, mana saja lubuk & sungai semua dia pergi, kalau ada yg cakap kat sungai tu ada ikan, ajis mesti pi try mancing kat situ.

Satu hari masa minum kat kedai kopi Pak Ngah Jiman, Ajis terdengar rakan2 sekampungnya bercerita tentang satu lubuk baru yg banyak ikan ditemui kat sungai di kampung seberang, kampung tu agak jauh & pedalaman sungai tu lebih kurang 5 km dr kampung tu, dekat tepi pinggir hutan.

Tengahari tu, Ajis dah bersiap nak pegi memancing kat lubuk yg diceritakan, siap pakai helmet, Ajis masukkan bekalan minum petang dan pancingnya dlm raga motor. Sepanjang perjalanan Ajis bernyanyi riang, jauh jugak nak kekampung seberang tu, dah hampir masuk waktu Asar baru Ajis sampai, teringat pulak dia tak sempat solat Zohor tadi & dia terpikir, karang kalau terus pi sungai tu, tak sempat plak solat Asar.

Tak lama kemudian Ajis nampak sebuah surau yg agak uzur kat tepi jalan sunyi kampung tu. Bergegas dia berhenti, ditengoknya keliling tak ada orang, sunyi saja surau tu.

Ajis segera mengambil wuduk dgn tergesa2 sbb waktu Zohor dah hampir nak habis.

Masa Ajis di rakaat yg kedua, Ajis tiba-tiba terdengar bunyi suara orang ketawa. Bulu romanya tiba2 meremang, "Hish, sapa pulak yg gelak2 tu?" bisik hati Ajis, setiap kali Ajis sujud, Ajis terasa kepala & tengkuknya berat dr biasa, Ajis tak sedap hati, ni surau tinggal ker, sbb dah uzur sangat dan alahai, sapa pulak duduk kat tengkuk dia ni.

Sedaya-upaya Ajis tenangkan hati, selesaikan solat dgn segera, dia nak tinggalkan cepat surau tu. Bulu romanya semakin meremang-remang sbb suara org ketawa semakin ramai, ada yg sampai terbatuk-batuk.

Syukur, Ajis dah berada di tahiyat terakhir, selesai memberi salam ke kanan dan ke kiri, Ajis meraup mukanya dgn tangan dr atas ubun2 kepala sampai ke dagu, then tiba-tiba Ajis tersedar.

Hehehe...Rupa-rupanya dia terlupa nak tanggalkan helmet masa nak sembahyang tadi, sbb terlampau nak cepat, bila dia toleh belakang, patutlah dengar orang ketawa, rupa-rupanya tok imam, bilal dan orang2 kampung yg dtg nak sembahyang Asar duk gelakkan dia sebab Ajis sembahyang pakai helmet, patut ler kepala dia rasa berat semacam.

Terus Ajis blah macam tu ajer, tak jadi pi memancing, dia pusing balik, sembahyang Asar kat rumah sendiri sajalah jawabnya...

Email from: Rizal Posmen

Jatuh Kerusi

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Wed, 18 May 2011 21:05:00 PDT

Anak: Ibu tadi ada seorang pelajar jatuh dari kerusi.

Ibu: Jadi?

Anak: Semua orang gelak, kecuali saya.

Ibu: Awak anak yang baik. [Ibu mencium dahi anaknya]

Anak: Ibu nak tahu siapa yang jatuh tu?

Ibu: Siapa?

Anak: Sayalah.

Ibu: Cis...

Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

Selamat Hari Guru

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Sun, 15 May 2011 21:03:00 PDT

Maka tersebutlah kisah memurid tahun 6 Purple menyambut hari guru. Masing-masing berebut-rebut nak bagi hadiah kat cikgu kesayangan mereka..Ms. Choo (kira-kiranya cikgu mithali le nie). Bila lonceng berbunyi dan waktu Bahasa Inggeris tamat, maka beraturlah memurid tahun 6 Purple nak bagi hadiah buat guru kesayangan mereka nie. Dari kad berukuran biasa hinggalah kepada kad yang sebesar gajah..ada yang bagi hadiah..Selepas bagi hadiah/kad masing-masing mengucup pipi Ms. Choo sambil mengucapkan Selamat Hari Guru.

Maka tibalah giliran Anita Mui; si ketua kelas..Dengan kotak hadiahnya yang bersaiz besar..lain dari yang lain..beriben merah cantik bungkusannya..dengan senyum simpulnya si Anita Mui meminta Ms. Choo meneka apa yang dihadiahkannya..Maka jenuhlah si Ms. Choo meneka dari kek sampailah kepada lampu tidur..semuanya disambut dengan geleng kepala oleh si Anita Mui tadi.

Tiba-tiba adalah cecair yang meleleh dan menitis dari bucu kotak tu..Ms. Choo segera menyambut titisan cecair tu dan memasukkan ke dalam mulutnya dan merasa.."Hummm..masam, Cikgu dah tau dah..kamu hadiahkan cikgu Jeruk Pelam yeak..cikgu suka jeruk pelam tau".

"..Errrrr..sebenarnya cikgu..saya..saya hadiahkan ANAK KUCING.."

Email from: Jejaka Jiwang

Kenapa Tak Ketawa?

noreply@blogger.com (Aby) — Sun, 08 May 2011 21:22:00 PDT

Dalam sebuah pertunjukkan lawak, sekumpulan pelawak terkenal membuatkan seluruh dewan gamat dengan gelak ketawa. Penonton tidak henti-henti ketawa sebaik anggota kumpulan itu muncul hinggalah selesai persembahan.

Bagaimanapun, dalam keriuhan itu terdapat seorang wanita yang hanya mendiamkan diri seolah-olah tiada apa yang menggelikan hatinya. Bahkan sikap berdiam diri wanita ini membuatkan penonton lain kehairanan.

Oleh kerana merasa tidak puas hati, seorang gadis segera bertanya kepada wanita tersebut sebaik saja persembahan pelawak-pelawak itu selesai.

"Apakah persembahan mereka tidak kelakar?" Tanya seorang gadis kepada wanita itu.

"Sungguh kelakar," jawab wanita itu singkat.

"Tetapi kenapa kakak tidak ketawa? Apakah kakak sakit gigi?" Tanya gadis itu lagi.

"Tidak.." jawab wanita itu.

"Kalau begitu, apakah alasannya yang buat kakak tak mahu ketawa," gadis itu masih tak berpuas hati.

"Habis, kau ingat elok sangat ke mentertawakan suami sendiri di khalayak ramai?" Getusnya.

Email from: Jejaka Jiwang