Kool 1liners

Super-Funny Pick-Up Lines

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 16:17:00 +0000

PICK UP LINES!
(1) I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

(2) Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid because I scraped my knee when I fell for you.

(3) I hope you have a library card because I'm checking you out.

(4) Your tag says Made in USA, but I could have sworn you were made in Heaven.

(5) Hey lady, those are some nice clothes, can I talk you out of them?

(6) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

(7) Is your dad a terrorist? Cause baby your da bomb!

(8) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

(9) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

(10) Want to play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay
back while You blow the hell out of me.

(11) If you were a burger at McDonald's, I'd call you McBeautiful.

(12) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past you again?

Homeland Security Spoof! - Part 4

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Tue, 12 May 2009 11:22:00 +0000

	Only the coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the 'underground' rave in the shelter.
	In case of emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty item.
	In time of war, real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or poultry, please.
	There is a reason you failed chemistry.
	Watch out for people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt off your back.
	If you are trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.
	Radioactive materials come in 4 convenient sizes: - individual dose - family value size - neighborhood spray pump size - supersize!
	Satellite photos of Texas show the large embarrassing radioactive crop circle in Southeast Texas.
	When the looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio. Here we have a few examples of high value, low effort.

Homeland Security Spoof! - Part 3

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Tue, 12 May 2009 11:22:00 +0000

	No pyromaniacs admitted.
	A quick family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist attack may became a treasured family keepsake that will preserve precious memories for years to come.
	That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go there.
	The middle of a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on your reading or paperwork.
	If you see colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke yourself. Girls go for that.
	If your intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling over and watching the cool light show.
	If the weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the grass.
	After all life is gone, modern appliances will continue to run forever. Think about it.
	Your telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone with no numbers on it.
	"Wash your hands" of traditional long distance telephone providers.

Homeland Security Spoof! - Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Tue, 12 May 2009 11:21:00 +0000

	If your building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga postures.
	Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.
	After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
	If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.
	If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
	Your respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them aside if you feel you no longer need them.
	If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
	Survive a biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your knees, then rolling over and playing dead.
	Do not drive a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the hood.
	A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

Homeland Security Spoof ! - Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Tue, 12 May 2009 11:18:00 +0000

	If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.
	If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
	If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.
	If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
	Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
	To eliminate smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand under a faucet with no sink.
	Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary eyes, run away now.
	People, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.
	Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
	If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

Company Talk - What they really mean....

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Tue, 12 May 2009 10:34:00 +0000

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

Salute to Rodney Dangerfield!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Tue, 12 May 2009 06:16:00 +0000

Here are some of "Rodney Dangerfield" original quotes. Enjoy!

* I know what day of the week you were born. I was so poor growing up. If I wasnt born a boy, Id have nothing to play with.

* A girl phoned me the other day and said Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

* During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

* One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, Hey buddy, why are you doing that? He said, Because you came home early.

* Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. Im afraid to go to the bathroom.

* I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

* I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

* I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

* My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

The 10 Best puns of all time.

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:38:00 +0000

The best puns of all time are:

1. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

2. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

3. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

4. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

5. She used to have a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

6. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

7. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

10. Did you hear about the guy who emailed ten puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh? Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Ways To Tell Somebody is Stoopid !!!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 10:45:00 +0000

If she moved any slower, she'd rust.
If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
If stupidity hurt, he'd go through life on a morphine drip.
If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.
If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.
If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Ignorant, and proud of it.
Immune from any serious head injury.

Perfect face for Halloween.
Too dumb to be bothered when publicly displaying her ignorance.
Too dumb to know when you're getting smart/playing dumb with him.
Too many bad drugs, not enough good drugs.
Too many birds on her antenna.
Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
Too slow to catch a cold.
Too tall for his blood supply.
Took a spacewalk in the asteroid belt without his helmet.
Top paddock is full of rocks.
Tough as toenails after a hot bath.
Toys in the attic.
Train of thought derailed/still boarding at the station/has no caboose.
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Traveling without a passport/towel.
Tried to reinvent the wheel but ended up with a flat tire.
Tried welding two 2x4s together and burned down his house.
Trips over cordless phones.

Ways To Insult A Person !!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 10:44:00 +0000

You are a day late and a dollar short.
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
One more wrinkle and you'd pass for a prune.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.
You are so dull, you can't even cut a fart.

You are so dumb, you stand on a chair to raise your IQ.
You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
You are very smart. You have brains you never used.
You got more issues than National Geographic!
You must have a very large brain, to hold so much ignorance.
You are a black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
You are a couple of slates short of a full roof.
You are a couplet short of a sonnet.
You are a cup and saucer short of a place setting.
You are a deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
You are a few beads short in her rosary.
You are a half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A mud pack is good for the complexion. I suggest you leave it on.
A rejection letter from MENSA wouldn't be to much of a surprise for you now, would it?
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
All day I thought of you...I was at the zoo.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?

Kool "Yo Mamma " Jokes !!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 10:42:00 +0000

Yo momma's so dumb when the computer said Press any key to continue she couldn't find the Any key
Yo momma's so dumb when you she got pregnant she asked the doctor are you sure its mine?
Yo momma's so dumb when you were born she looked at your umbilical cord and said Wow it comes with cable too
Yo momma's so dumb you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in her ears
Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is expired
Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals
Yo momma's so old her first job was as Cain and Abel' babysitter
Yo momma's so old her memory is in black and white
Yo momma's so old her social security card is in roman numerals
Yo momma's so old her social security number is 1
Yo momma's so old her breasts squirt out powderd milk
Yo momma's so old she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said Lil Mary will never amount to anything
Yo momma's so old I looked in her year book and saw jesus
Yo momma's so old i told her to act her age and she died
Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer
Yo momma's so old it looks like the Wrinkle Fairy tap danced on her face
Yo momma's so old I've seen stale rasins with less wrinkles
Yo momma's so old Jurassic Park brought back memories
Yo momma's so old one of her pets was on on Noahs Ark
Yo momma's so old she babysat for Jesus
Yo momma's so old she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight
Yo momma's so old she co-wrote one of the Ten Commandments
Yo momma's So old she dated moses
Yo momma's so old she got hieroglyphics on her Driver license
Yo momma's so old she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments
Yo momma's so old she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook
Yo momma's so old she has all the apostles in her black book
Yo momma's so old she has an autographed bible
Yo momma's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince
Yo momma's so old she knew Captain Crunch while he was still a private
Yo momma's so old she knew Mr Clean when he had an afro
Yo momma's so old she left her purse on noahs ark
Yo momma's so old she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers
Yo momma's so old she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp
Yo momma's so old she owes Moses a quarter
Yo momma's so old she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch
Yo momma's so old she remembers what life was like before the ice age
Yo momma's so old she took her drivers test on a dinosaur
Yo momma's so old she uses her hot flashes to heat her cup of Tea
Yo momma's so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her
Yo momma's so old she went to an antiques auction and three people bid on her
Yo momma's so old she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible
Yo momma's so old that in the back seat of your car kids don't say Are we there yet they scream Is she Dead yet
Yo momma's so old that she had Jesus tattoo the ten commandments on her back
Yo momma's so old she was a waitress at the last supper
Yo momma's So old she went blind from the big bang
Yo momma's so old she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party
Yo momma's so old she drove a chariot to high school
Yo momma's so old that when God said let the be light she hit the switch
Yo momma's so old that when she was in school there was no history class
Yo momma's so old the candles cost more than the birthday cake
Yo momma's so old the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
Yo momma's so old they ask to check her bags and she's not carrying any luggage
Yo momma's so old vultures constantly circle her house
Yo momma's so old when Moses parted the Red Sea he found her fishing on the other side
Yo momma's so old when she gave birth, you came out with Dentures
Yo momma's so old when she ran the 100 meter dash they timed her with a sundial
Yo momma's so old when she reads the bible she reminisces
Yo momma's so old when she was a kid there was no old spice it was called baby spice
Yo momma's so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick
Yo momma's so old when she was young rainbows were black and white

Stupid & Kool Car Bumper Stickers !!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 10:39:00 +0000

" Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!
If you're rich, I’m single!
0-60 in 15 minutes!
A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
100% Irony Free
Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
Adults are just kids with money.
Baby on bored
HOME SCHOOL. Smarter than ever.
I talk to strangers
I Think Feminists Are Cute!
Keep honking, I am reloading!
Pain is inevitable misery is optional.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
Your honor student deals the best drugs.

The fastest way to a fisherman's heart is through his fly
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go
" I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!"
Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car
I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES
There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
All men are idiots, and I married their king.
Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.
Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes
Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.
Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!!
Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young
We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!
IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN
YOUR TURN SIGNAL IS STILL ON
IT'S IMPOLITE TO STARE
U.S.M.C. UNCLE SAMS MISGUIDED CHILDREN
Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?
I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me that way.
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want
They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!
(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.
...and i should care, why?
100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?
186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

The Junk Cheque Deposit !!!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 10:38:00 +0000

"Depositing the Junk Check"

On May 19th, I was one of thousands of people around the country who received a 'junk mail' letter touting a get-rich quick method for making $95,093.35 in just three weeks. That letter also came with a for the same amount, $95,093.35. Everything about the check looked real except for the words 'non-negotiable for cash' typed on the top right hand corner.

For very little reason at all I deposited this check into my ATM. It was fun, like putting monopoly money into the bank. I walked home picturing a bank teller opening my deposit envelope and chuckling upon the sight of the ridiculously large, and obviously a sample, check. I fully expected that on Monday morning someone from my bank would call and say, 'Mr. Combs, the check you deposited on Friday wasn't real.'

On Monday when they didn't call, I figured they were mailing the check back to me and I forgot about the whole thing. Then two days later, while withdrawing $40, my ATM produced a receipt that stated my balance at over one hundred thousand dollars! Suddenly, I remembered the $95,093.35 deposit.

I walked briskly and excitedly home. As soon as I got in I called a friend and told them what'd happened. He made a quick phone call to his own bank and called me back: "It's standard policy to credit your account for any amount you deposit, but it's only a credit. You can't touch the money unless the check clears." Of course -- It was just a matter of days before the bank would erase the credit and return my account to a mere $5,000.

For the next two days I called my bank for my account balance. It remained over a hundred grand.

Friday morning I again called for my account balance. Still no change. Curiosity kicked in. I went to my bank, approached a teller, and posed this question: "If I need a cashiers check for $70,000 later this afternoon do I have the funds available?"

The teller typed my account number into her computer and said, "Yes, the money is available." -- I got out of the bank fast. And I felt supercharged with possibility and shock.

From that moment until the next Wednesday when I boarded a plane for a four day career-counseling conference in Orlando FL(I make my living as an author and speaker addressing career success), $95,093.35 was available for withdrawal from my account. My close friends and I contemplated, for fun, all the possibilities a hundred grand afforded. "To Leave the Country or Not To Leave -- That is the question."

I knew that the money was going to be taken out of my account -- and each day I figured it would happen tomorrow. I boarded my flight to Orlando confident, and glad, that in all likelihood the money would be gone upon my return. It had already possessed my thoughts for a week.

On Monday, the day after my return, I called for my account balance. Five thousand and something dollars was what I expected to hear. No such luck. "What's happening here!!!"

Two weeks and that money was still sitting in my account. "It will be gone tomorrow," I kept telling myself for the next five days. Then on Friday, exactly three weeks since I had deposited the sample check I, again, returned to the bank. I approached a bank teller at the special Customer Service window, and I sternly stated: "I recently deposited $95,000 and I don't want to spend any of the money if there is the possibility of the check being returned. How long should I wait?"

Again the teller keyed in my account number. Then she said, "$95,093.35 deposited on May 21st. You're safe to spend that money now because that check can no longer be returned. Depositors are protected by a law that says checks cannot be returned after 10 business days." I couldn't believe my ears. I couldn't believe my luck. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. On my way out of the bank, I grabbed every brochure and pamphlet that vaguely implied it might contain the law she had just referenced and I went home and read voraciously.

My reading didn't reveal the law I was looking for. Quickly I learned that bank brochures don't tell you your rights -- they tell you all the bank's rights. (Some of which I found quite interesting). But at the end of one of the brochures I found a reference that said, "For more information contact, The Office of Thrift Supervision." (O.T.S)

I called the O.T.S. and a man answered the phone. I gave my first name only and I gave him a quick synopsis of what had transpired. He treated my story with a cool intrigue. He told me that the ten day law the teller had mentioned was known as "The Midnight Deadline." But he suggested that the more important legal question had to do with "negotiability." He wondered if the check I deposited was a true negotiable instrument. He said, "The banking law book, Bradys, has specific criteria that a check has to match in order to qualify as legal negotiable instrument. I'm not sure what they are but if the check you deposited was actually a negotiable instrument that would explain why your bank passed it."

Within three hours I had found my way to the Hasting's Law Library and to the book, Brady on Bank Checks - The Law of Bank Checks
by Henry Bailey and Richard Hagedorn .

Uuggh! Reading a big thick law book. Suddenly I knew why law students always looked so beat and tired. I didn't know how I was going to find anything in the monstroserous tome in front of me, and then my eyes caught sight of a small pocket sized book titled, Negotiable Instruments and Check Collection . It was a heaven sent guide for laymen. And plain as day, it listed the nine criteria for a negotiable instrument. I flipped it open and as if by magic, I found myself staring at a page that read, "The Nine Criteria for a Negotiable Instrument." I dove in reading with ferocious intensity.

The first eight criteria went my way. Things like, must have a signature, a date, the words "pay to," - all the things you expect to see on a check. The check I deposited had all the right features however it also carried the words "non-negotiable" in the top right hand corner. Hopefully the ninth point would address this. It said, "The ninth issue is whether people can create an instrument that matches the first eight criteria, and then avoid negotiability by declaring on the instrument that it is not negotiable."

I took a deep breath. The roulette wheel was spinning to a stop, giving me a fifty-fifty chance at a hundred grand. I began reading the next sentence slower than any sentence I've read in my life, my finger uncovering one word at a time. "No, give me the word no," I said to myself.

"The... answer... is... ...yes."

Wham. Ugh. Game over.

Any fantasies I had about the $95,000 dollars fizzled. But then, I moved my finger a micro-inch further, and saw a comma. "The answer is yes, except on a check." It went on:

"A declaration on a check that it is not negotiable is ineffective.” The meaning of this sunk in quickly - I was the luckiest S.O.B. alive. The get-rich-quick company had accidentally designed a real check - and I had deposited it!

Crazy And Funny Billboards !!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 10:28:00 +0000

Government Ads on Traffic Light Buttons

Barebecue Grill Drain Outdoor

Wrinkled Poster for Skin Care Salon

Bus Poster for Duracell

"Drowned Child" Underwater Ad

Competing "No Dropped Calls" Billboards

Different Billboards for Different Shoe Sizes

The "Hip Ronald McDonald" Poster

"Kill Bill" Bathroom Promo

Offtopic: Weird Retro Ads
Taking a break from billboards and sharing a few bits from my growing retro ad collection. The guy on the second one is indeed Ronald Reagan.

Upskirt Promo for Che Magazine

Sopranos "Hand in the Trunk" Campaign in Russia

Giraffe Lamp Post Promotes Zoo

Kebab Poster's Weird Pun

McDonald's Sundial Billboard

Now That's why I Got Fired !!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 10:25:00 +0000

Real Stories About How & Why People Got Fired !!!

Never make out at work
Once I worked at a market and this cute guy and I Snook in one of the stalls in the bathroom to make out and the boss caught us and we both got fired. One time before that we made out So much we were in there for an hour making out and did not get caught.

10 cents my @$$
Well it started off like this. One of the managers that i worked for didn't like me too too much. I don't know why, everyone else did, just not her. I worked as a cashier at a pharmacy. So in the end.. one day i got called at home by her and she said, I'm sorry but we will need to find a new cashier. I asked her politely why, and she toled me, because you were TEN CENTS off on your cash's float. I hung up and cried so hard, i wanted to seriously go back there and kick some booty. Sadly, the manager that had fired me wasn't there when I had brought back my uniform so my feelings for her are still, "in the dark"

Why?
I was working with a friend (who I will keep secret) at a dim light fancy pancy type place. Someone was having a birthday party, and me and him had to do the stupid dance. any way, he tried to give the girl a pair of balloons, but he let go and they got caught up in the lights (wich have shaders so the balloon was rubbing up against the light). He said not to worry and he would bring her another one. 2 hours later...Half of the restraunt was on fire! Know what he did, of course, blame it on me! I was then fired after scraping the ashes out of my bosses office.

What a great reason to get fired!!
I went in for an interview on a Saturday morning and 8 minutes later I had the job.. I worked there a total of two days when I get a voicemail saying that I was being let go because "it wasn't going to work out". I went in to speak with one of the managers and she told me I caught on really fast and I was friendly to the customers yet her boss didn't think I was going to work out. Nice huh? Needless to say no one I know will ever go there again. ;-)

taxes away
well i worked disney about 6 months... until election time. florida was well over due for a raise in minimum wages, so when the people voted, and the raise was confirmed, disney, just because they are cheap,"fired" (not downsized) hundreds of employees including me even though i worked my butt of for that company without the much needed complaint... AND ALL BECAUSE ID ONLY BEEN THERE 6 MONTHS! - BASTARDS!

never come back
So my buddy was working at a full service car wash and we were really slow so our boss went up to him and asked if he wanted to go since we were slow he replied yes so as he was walking away the boss said you know what actually why dont you never come back

Too Good To Work,
I worked for a company that sold office suppies via the phone. My manager had the job she hired me for and was pleased she was promoted. The first day I started I was kickin butt. My sales number continued to grow. At the end of the first pay period I was told that I was the first employee ever to sell enough to get bonus pay. My newly appointed boss never even achieved this. As she handed me my check she told me I was fired. She said I worked hard to get where I am and I am not about to loose my job to a new person. I said you can't do that and went to the company owner who said sorry she makes the decisions for that department. I found out later he was having an affair with her. I went their competitor and started working there. After six months I became manager and needed to hire more workers to keep the volume up. Guess who came in for an interview? Thats right, the lady who fired me! I gave her the job....for two weeks!

Funny Away Messages !!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 10:12:00 +0000

ok...so you're bored of the person you're chattin wid.
how do u get the message to him ???
here's how !!

To Tell Him/Her That You're Eating !

Consuming food.

Damn I'm hungarian

Did I Eat Today?

Eating... because fat kids are harder to kidnap.

Exercising my taste buds.

Expanding my stomach.

Gone hungry be back soon

Hunger struck, be back when the fridge is empty.

Hungrier than you!

Hunting for food.

To Tell Him/Her Your At the Phone !

Did you ever notice that girls are always on the phone? Hold on I'm on the phone right now...

Doo,doo, doo! The Screen name you are trying to reach is unavailable at this time. Please hang up and try again.

Even though you love me and I love you, i'm talking on the phone so too bad for you.

Exercising my vocal cords.

Help! There's someone hiding inside my phone, and they're talking to me.

Help, I'm on the phone and I can't stop talking.

Help, the phone won't come off my ear and the voice on the other end won't stop talking.

Hey ****, I actually have real friends to talk to on the phone instead of virtual friends like you.

Hey ****. I'm not here at the moment because I'm answering the phone. Even though I know it's not that hottie from school.

To Tell Them Your Jus Bored Of Him/Her !!!

Doing something better than talking to %n

A millennium is 1000 years. Thats how long I don't want to talk to you.

A pretty girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the rising sun can kiss the grass, but you my friend!! Yes You!! YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!!

Cancel my subscriptions ... I'm tired of your issues

Doing something better than talking to %n

Don't let your mind wander. It's way to small to be outside by itself!

Don't piss me off today, I'm running out of places to hide to bodies

Don't take it personaly.. but you smell like an ice cube

Earth is full. Go home.

Go find a straw %n cuz you suck! God made mountains, god made trees, god made you but we all make mistakes.

Crazy Bids for Crazy Items!!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 10:08:00 +0000

Haunted Lower Denture
Description: These teeth were made in late 1959 for my father.He wore them home and came into the kitchen door with them on. My sister who was older than me was there at the door to meet Dad. He smiled and she screamed blue bloody murder. She ran from the room and hid. Nothing my father could do would appease her.

My Gold Tooth
Description: This gold tooth stayed in my mouth for about twenty-five years. Then one day it started slightly moving trying to break free from its prison walls. Finally, it started flopping around like a fish out of water. I didn't want the dentist bill, so I finally manage to free it from its imprisonment.

Ghost In A Jar
Description: It was back in the early 1980s that while I was out metal detecting one morning I came across an old abandoned cemetry. Nearby were some old foundations of what had once been houses or a possibly a church. It was around one of these foundations that my metal detector suddenly began to sound off.

		Never Ending Roll Of Toilet Paper Description: This is a roll of toilet paper with no hole in the middle. Great gag because there is no way to put it on a roll. Of all the many valuable and can't possibly afford items this has surely got to be the most sought item ever. I'm surprised that the bids aren't up in the thousands since it so unique. Not really

Magic Skittles Wrapper
Description: This is a sacred skittles wrapper. With this wrapper life becomes a constant joy to behold. This is special to me and I want you to have it.Why buy an old skittles wrapper? Why indeed. If you cannot fathom why then its not for you.Let me let you about this wrapper a little bit more.


		Potato Chip Shaped Like Mickey Mouse Description: This is a real Lays Potato Chip that looks like either a bear or Mickey Mouse. The beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This potato chip would mak a great collectors item. All items are from an animal and smoke free environment. So there you have it now all you have to do is bid on it if you would like to own it.

Unlucky Penny
Description: If you have an enemy and you want them to be cursed, just carefully drop this penny on the table while wearing rubber gloves and ask them to pick it up. When they touch it bad luck will be cast upon them. I was told that this bad luck LUCK penny was found on a freeway at the site of a fatal car crash.

Tongue Twisters for Youse !!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 09:52:00 +0000

Sum Dumb Crimes ...Sum Dumb People really Committed !!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 09:49:00 +0000

Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.

Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

A man was arrested for stealing a car. When he was taken to court for his arraignment the judge asked, how do you plead? Instead of saying guilty or not guilty the man said: "Before we go any further, judge, let me explain why I stole the car." The judge ruled in record time.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

After drinking a little too much, Stewart Butcher went to sleep on a West Virginia railroad track. A while later, something woke him-- a 15 car coal train. "I raised up," said Stewart, "and it knocked me out..."

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta, Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten it was their only means of escape.

Joseph Owens of Mount Pleasant, Michigan, didn't think police were listening to his complaints that someone was harassing him, so he came up with a brilliant plan. Owens convinced his friend to shoot him in the shoulder with a shotgun so police would take him seriously. After a trip to the emergency room, Owens faces up to four years in prison for filing a false police report...next time, a little higher and to the left...

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Reno, Nevada: A 78-year-old man shot and wounded five people in a Reno, Nevada casino, and was caught as he made his escape with his walker.

Crazy And Dumb Warnings !!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 09:46:00 +0000

Hairdryer:
Do not use while taking a shower.

Fire Extinguisher:
Caution: Non-Flammable

500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.

Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.

Bottled Drink:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.

Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.

Orange Juice Can:
100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate.

Funny Palindrome PIcs !!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 09:40:00 +0000

Palindrome: A word, phrase, verse, or sentence that reads the same backward or forward

Funny Book Titles !!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 09:36:00 +0000

Almost Missed the Bus by Justin Time
Ambulance Driving: Adam Muhway
Ambush! by May T. Surprise
And Shut Up! by Sid Downe
And the Other People by Allan Sundry
Animal Illnesses by Ann Thrax
Animal Scents: Farrah Mones
April Fool! by Sue Prize
Archery: Beau N. Arrow
Armed Heists by Robin Banks
Artificial Clothing by Polly Ester
Artificial Weightlessness by Andy Gravity
As Solid as...: Rocco Gibraltar
Assault with Battery by Eva Ready
At The Bottom Of The Can: Hazel Nutt
Athletic Supporter: Jacques Strap
Back Row Of The Orchestra: Clara Nett
Bad Cow Jokes: Terry Bull
Bad Falls by Eileen Dover
Bad Gardeners: Wilt Plant
Bad Investment: Les Riches
Banquet at McDonalds: Tommy Ayk
Baseball Tales by Homer
Battle Axes: Tom A. Hawk
Big Fart! by Hugh Jass
Blonde Hair by Bim Bow
Blowout!: Vlad Tire
Body Parts by Anne Atomy
Boring Midwestern Cities: Cole Lumbus
Boy Scout's Handbook: Casey Needzit
Brane Surjery Maid Simpel: Sarah Bellum
Breaking the Law by Kermit A. Krime
Bring to the Grocer's by R. List
Bubbles in the Bathtub by Ivor Windybottom
Cab Calloway's Garden: Heidi Ho
Candle-Vaulting by Jack B. Nimble
Car Capital Of The World: Mitch Egan
Car Repairs: Axel Grease
Care For A Chop?: Marsha Larts
Carpet Fitting: Walter Wall
Caulking Made Easy by Phil McKrevis
Chauvinistic Men by A. Lone
Cheaper than IBM: P.C. Clone
Cheating on His Wife: Izzy Backyet
Chest Pain by I. Coffalot
Chicago Gangs Of The '30's: Tommy Gunn
Chicken Dishes by Nora Drumsticks.
Children's Songbook: Skip Tumalu
Chinese Apathy: Hu Cares
Circle Perimiter: Sir Cumference
Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt
Cloning by Irma Dubble II
Clothes for Germ Kings by Mike Robes
College Athletics: Nancy Dubblelay
Columbus, Vespucci, And Me: Enzo DiUrth
Come on in! by Doris Open
Computer Memories: Meg Abight
Confessions Of A Gold Digger: Emile Ticket
Cooking Spaghetti by Al Dente
Cosmetology: Rosie Cheeks
Covered Walkways by R. Kade
Crackdown: Lauren Order
Crocodile Dundee by Ali Gator
Cry Wolf by Al Armist
Cut the Grass!: Moses Lawn
Daddy are We There Yet? by Miles Away
Danger! by Luke Out
Dangerous Animals by Mann Eaters
Decorating your Mousehole: Minnie Blinds
Defunct Nations: Sophie Etunion
Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel
Do It Yourself: Tyrone Shoelaces
Don't Do Anything Rash: Jacques Itch
Don't Tread On Me: Amanda B. Reckonwith
Downpour! by Wayne Dwops
Drafted!: Abel Boddeed
Drinking Problems by Al Coholic

Funny names Of Real People !!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 09:31:00 +0000

Military Names:
Colonel O. Korn
Corporal Punishment
General Admission
General Anethstisia
General E. Speaking
General Incompetence
General Principles
General Store
General Weakness
Major Asshole
Major B. O.
Major Disaster
Major Hardon
Major Lee Small
Major Payne
Major Paynin D'Arse
Major Problems
Major Snafu
Private Parts
Private Road
Rear Admiral Butts

Foreign Names:
Alcott Yubolsov
Chew Man Chew
Di A. Rea
Dobe Fugin Widdat
Dook N. Pants
F. R. Ting
Haka Lue Gie
Henotter Titiov
Ho Hum
Hoo Flung Pooh
Hu Flung Dung
Iman S. Hole
Kis Myass
Pee Don Yu
Schrivalup Andropov
Shiek Yiboudi
Som Dum Guy
Som Yung Chick
Tai Mai Shu
Tai Mi Shu
Wong Tern
Wong Wei
Yung N. Dum
Yura Stinker

Doctor's Names:
Dr .Ken Hurt
Dr. A. Sickman
Dr. Achey
Dr. Aikenhead
Dr. Albright
Dr. Alden Cockburn
Dr. Anger
Dr. B. Sick
Dr. Bacon Moore
Dr. Bjerk
Dr. Bloodgood
Dr. Bonebrake
Dr. Bones
Dr. Bozzo
Dr. Bratt
Dr. Brilliant
Dr. Busyhead
Dr. Butcher
Dr. Call
Dr. Cheek
Dr. Chew (dentist)
Dr. Chu (dentist)
Dr. Crook
Dr. Daryl B Payne
Dr. De Kay (dentist)
Dr. Deadman
Dr. Drewel (dentist)
Dr. Duck Lim
Dr. Ether
Dr. Fang (dentist)
Dr. Fear
Dr. Filler (dentist)
Dr. Flash Gordon
Dr. Frank Staggers
Dr. Frye (burn specialist)
Dr. Gentle
Dr. Gore
Dr. Grossberger
Dr. Grunt
Dr. Gutman
Dr. Hand
Dr. Harm
Dr. Harry Bear
Dr. Hart
Dr. Heine
Dr. Hipps
Dr. Holler
Dr. Howard Hertz
Dr. Hurter
Dr. Hurtt
Dr. Hyman
Dr. J.A.W. (dentist)
Dr. James D. Cure
Dr. Khan Do
Dr. Kidder
Dr. Klotz
Dr. Klutts
Dr. Kwak
Dr. Lana Cain
Dr. Lancit
Dr. Les Plack (dentist)
Dr. Lipkiss
Dr. Lipp
Dr. Lips
Dr. Long Vu
Dr. Looney
Dr. Mangle
Dr. Meek
Dr. Mehmet A. Okay
Dr. Mohammed Behairy
Dr. Mollar. (Dental school professor)
Dr. Myracle
Dr. Nasti
Dr. Nervo
Dr. Nightengale
Dr. Ohno
Dr. Pain
Dr. Patient
Dr. Payne
Dr. Pepper
Dr. Pick (dentist)
Dr. Pullen (dentist)
Dr. Pullman (dentist)
Dr. Pulse
Dr. Rash
Dr. Ricketts
Dr. Root (dentist)
Dr. Schotz
Dr. Seymour Frankfurt
Dr. Seymour Weiner
Dr. Shugar
Dr. Si Yoo
Dr. Skinner (dermatologist)
Dr. Slaughter
Dr. Smiley
Dr. Spine
Dr. Spits (dentist)
Dr. Spot
Dr. Swallow (dentist)
Dr. Thomas Glasscock
Dr. Toothman
Dr. Waki Ho
Dr. Whitehead (dermatologist)
Dr. Yankum (dentist)
Dr. Yellin

Veteranians:
Dr. Barker
Dr. Barksdale
Dr. Basset
Dr. Bowser
Dr. Butcher
Dr. Doolittle
Dr. Fish
Dr. Fox
Dr. Hogg
Dr. Howell
Dr. Katz
Dr. Leash
Dr. Lyons
Dr. Nay
Dr. Parrott
Dr. Pett
Dr. Render
Dr. Shepard
Dr. Wagy
Dr. Wolff
Dr. Woof

Sum Kool Oxymorons !!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 09:24:00 +0000

baby giant
baby grand (piano)
bad health
bad luck
Bad Sport
balanced insanity
balding hair
Ball Club
baggy tights
Band Jocks
bankrupt millionaire

A Fine Mess
A just war
A little big
a little pregnant
A new classic
absolutely unsure
abundant poverty
academic fraternity
Academic sorority
Accidentally on Purpose

casual chic
casual dress
casual formality
casual intimacy
casual sex
casually concerned
catfish
Cautiously Optimistic
cavalier concern
center around
Central Intelligence Agency
centrally-planned economy
Certain risk
certainly unsure

daily special
dangerously safe
dark day
dark light
dark star
dark victory
Dead livestock
dead right
deaf listener
debugged program
defensive strike

Fair trial
Fairly Accurate
fairly explicit
fairly obvious
Fallout shelter
false fact
false hope

geniune imitation
gentle turbulence
gentleman bandit
genuine fake
genuine imitation
genuine(ly) fake
genuine-imitation leather
giant dwarf

half dead
Half dressed
half empty
half full
half naked
half true
Halfway done

IBM compatible
IBM-Apple compatible
icy hot
Idiot Savant
idly laborious
ignorant professor
ill fortune
ill health
Income Tax

Sum Crazy Laws In Sum Places in the U.S !!!

noreply@blogger.com (CrAzYdAnStEr) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 09:21:00 +0000

Hawaii
• All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
• Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.
• Honolulu: Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird.
• In Hawaii it is illegal to get a tattoo behind your ear or on your eyelid unless in the presence of a registered physician.
• It used to be the law in Hawaii that children had to obey all "lawful and moral" commands of their parents.
• It's illegal for a shooting gallery to offer liquor as a prize. The shooter might want to come back after drinking the prize and try again.
• You will be fined if you do not own a boat.

Maine
• After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.
• In Augusta to stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.
• It's illegal to clean salmon along Maine's upper Kennebec River. Enforcement of this law has been made easier for many years by the fact that, because of a dam, there are no salmon on the upper Kennebec River.
• In Maine, it is illegal to sell a car on Sunday unless it comes equipped with plumbing.
• In Maine it's illegal to catch lobsters with your bare hands.
• In Portland shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
• In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.
• It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland.
• Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
• Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.
• You may not step out of a plane in flight.

North Dakota
• Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
• Fargo: One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
• In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.
• In North Dakota, charitable groups can hold stud poker games to raise money, but only twice a year
• In North Dakota it is illegal to keep an elk in a sandbox in your backyard.
• In Waverly you better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.
• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
• It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon.
• State law of North Dakota prohibits serving beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

South Carolina
• A railroad my not remove itself from a town of more than five hundred people.
• All schools must prepare a suitable program for Francis Willard Day.
• By law, if a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, the marriage must take place.
• Charleston: It is against the law to drive a motorized vehicle on King Street. The Fire Department may blow up your house. This law was made so that the fire department could create a fire brake.
• Dance halls may not operate on Sundays.
• Every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks.
• Fortune tellers are required to obtain a special permit from the state.
• Fountain Inn: Horses are to wear pants at all times.
• Horses may not be kept in bathtubs.

Texas
• A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
• A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
• Abilene: It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
• Austin: Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
• Beaumont: Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.
• Borger: It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.
• Clarendon: It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
• Dallas: It's illegal to possess realistic dildos.
• El Paso: Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."
• Galveston: It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.
• Houston: Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday. It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
• If two trains going in opposite directions on the same track meet each other, one can't move until the other does.
• If you went to church in Texas years back, you'd better be recognized. An old law made it illegal to go to church in disguise.
• In Alamo a person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.
• In Corpus Christie it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.
• In Dallas County it is illegal to own any realistic looking, phallic shaped, personal massager more than one foot in length.
• In Houston you cannot buy beer after midnight on Sunday, but you can buy it on Monday.
• In Kingsville, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
• In Lefors, Texas it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer at any time while standing.
• In Mesquite, Texas it is illegal for kids to have unusual haircuts.
• In Texas criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
• In Texas it's legal for a chicken to have sex with you, but it's illegal to reciprocate.
• It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
• It is illegal to carry a pair of wire-cutters in your back pocket.
• It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
• It is illegal for a person to shoot a buffalo from the second story of their hotel.
• It is illegal to have an open container in a car.
• It is illegal to have anything protruding from your bumper unless it is attached with a chain
• It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
• It is illegal to spit on the sidewalk.
• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
• It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.
• It is legal for a husband to beat his wife as long as he uses something no bigger than his thumb.
• It is legal for the blind to go hunting as long as they have someone with them who isn't blind.