Krazy Everlastin' Real Supah Diva Single Mama

spring cleaning

2013-03-23T18:44:00.001-07:00

It's spring cleaning day according to my friends LaLa and Bee. So, while the two little boys were napping I took the opportunity to do a little theraputic make-up of myself and after hand scrubbed about 10 underwears my son peed on and hung them to dry in the bathroom. 3 year old under wear filled bathroom, check. Then, I moved on to my bedroom. I poured out the contents of my dresser and threw into a garbage bag clothes that maybe at 30 years old I should get rid of, and I did. I did however hold on to a dress I have had for 10 years that my ex boyfriend picked out, why do we do that to ourselves, why do we hold on?! I don't know, but I knew I wasn't ready to let go of it yet. So, dresser drawers, check. By the time that was done I was finished with my glass of wine, I looked over at my wine holder and decided to crack open another bottle. It was a cabernet saivignon a bottle I picked up on a recent trip to Seattle. I poured myself a glass and decided to sit in front of this computer to type away my sorrows of how turning 30 leads me to Saturdays of Spring Cleaning....but what I really need to do is change the pee pee sheets that I have been sleeping in for like 3 weeks. I know gross, but I was lazy. So, here I am drinking a glass of wine by myself in my diningroom and honestly the peace and quiet is quite nice and depressing at the same time....I heard a wimper from my three year old in the other room and I feel like a bad mom wishing in my head "please go back to sleep". I have 30 minutes left to savor some alone time before we head to a friends house for dinner, so while the little boys are sleeping I will sip on my glass of vino and finish my spring cleaning, changing the 3 week old pee pee sheets.

my blog

2013-02-04T00:40:00.000-08:00

My blog, I miss it. Writing is my outlet, I have not done it in here in a long time....because every time I typed something everything seemed inadequate. However, as a subsitute for a blog I had my handy dandy little note book to write down my random thoughts in which only I could see. I am writing in here today because as I was pondering what the hell am I going to do with my life....I could only think of writing as my most desired and passionate activity. I scrolled down a college catalog with all the degrees and certificates the school offered hoping that a subject would jump out at me....or rather pick me....and there! that would be the direction I would go in! That would be my calling. My eyes danced around the idea of Physical or Occupational assistant. I am just feeling the need to choose a concrete path right now, something solid & consistent. I've been living spontaneously and with uncertainty for awhile and my 30 year old self is pressuring me to finally start living with intention & boldness and most of all passion....so here I am writing.

xmas gift

2011-12-01T00:43:00.001-08:00

Colorful Joy Christmas Card

Creating Christmas cards has never been this easy.

View the entire collection of cards.

Accept this moment as it is

2011-09-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

I have been in denial for a long time, because it is scary to face the truth. Who wants to face rejection?! I have made countless reasons and created open possibilities that maybe one day.....it will be what I want.

But, I cannot live on that one string, that string of hope that maybe one day....
I have to live on the string I have. An unattached string with infinite possibilities:

1. work on business with Lindsay
2. get more money some how, better paying job?
3. read about starting my own business
4. give my son constant love, stability and discipline
5. practice a healthy lifestyle
6. save money
7. make money
8. meet new girlfriends
9. take care of my current friendships
10. take care of my home

Sade

2011-08-27T17:38:00.001-07:00

Skin Sade Lyrics

When I found out this love's undone

I was like a gun, sure as it was over

Felt like nothing good could come

Sure as it's gonna play and play

Like Michael back in the day

I'm gonna peel you away

Now as I begin to wash you off my skin

I'm gonna peel you away

'Cause you're not right within

I love you so

Sometimes love has to let go

So this time don't think it's a lie

I say goodbye

Now as I begin to wash you off my skin

I'm gonna peel you away

http://www.elyricsworld.com/skin_sade_lyrics_sade.html
'Cause you're not right within

Now it's time to wash you off my skin

Now as I begin, it couldn't be right

'Cause you're not right within

I say goodbye

Acceptance

2011-08-25T00:53:00.000-07:00

I focus on things I have lost......But I forget ALL the things I have.

Me, Myself, and I - The Ego

2011-08-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

My older sister always told me that the only person I could ever count on is myself. I didn't follow all the other advice she gave me.....but this statement always stuck with me. I always hear her saying it in my head.

I hear her right now, in the midst of my loneliness. It's funny though because my sister always wants to help me and despite our relationship rift she still does.

When my inner voice was telling me I was alone and have no one....my sister's voice was reminding me that I have myself. This is what got me up from the slight slump I fell into tonight.

It has been really lonely though especially when in the past year several of my relationship have changed, I'm not just talking about my relationship with my boyfriend....but the relationship I had with my sister, friend mel and my mom.

It is something I have done.

I have changed....and honestly I wish I could get back to the old me or at least part of the old me, but I don't know how.

Heartbreak has jaded me, motherhood has disciplined me, Lost has stripped away the bliss I use to radiate with ease. I don't know if I am a better person? I know I am better in certain ways: in responsibilities, will power, strength wise, patience, but what kind of person am I where my boyfriend, sister, and friend have all decided to step away from my life?!

If I carry on this way I truly will have ONLY Myself to ever count on.

i LOVE sex and the city

2011-08-22T21:07:00.001-07:00

Miranda: What's the big deal? In 50 years men are gonna be obsolete anyway. I mean, already you can't talk to them, you don't need them to have kids with, you don't need them to have sex with anymore, as I've very pleasantly discovered.

Dream 2

2011-08-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

I remember Clay, Evony and Will in my dream and Will being very distant.

Dream 1

2011-08-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

I could not sleep very well last night. Little noises kept waking me and my mind was running. I remember a short dream where I was with my girlfriends out to dinner, then I had to go to the car. My friend Lindsay accompanied me to the car and we were in the parking lot and she called her BF and son who were at home.

Love: enriching, flexible, and strong

2011-08-17T23:35:00.002-07:00

...That is my definition of Love. "Love" for me has evolved so much from the time I was 17 years old when I first "fell" in love to Today. Today, I feel it is more a state of being than more of a feeling. Feelings/emotions are fleeting and a state of being is more of a practice or a habit....which I have learned to practice more of. Pain and hurt have pushed me to be more loving and patient and to understand what I want LOVE to be....in my life and how I would like to practice love with others.

Love: enriching, flexible, and strong

2011-08-17T23:35:00.000-07:00

The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire

2011-08-16T23:33:00.000-07:00

I am RE- reading this book, titled above, by Deepak Chopra. It explores coincidences and what the author calls synchrodestiny. It is interesting because it explores scientifically proven experiments and ties it together with the synchrodestiny theory. Do you believe coincidences are Random acts in Life? or are they Meaningful insights into life?

keeping busy

2011-08-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

I rode my bike to work today! I was so proud of myself for getting up early enough to do it. I have been putting it off due to how delicious it feels in bed sooooo early in the morning.....but the night before I set my mind to getting up early and I did!

It was a good ride, I got to work early and felt so energized. So, not only am I benefiting myself, but I'm being green as well : ) Plus, I get a good work out in and save gas money!!

Here's my little bike

I run solo about 3 days a week, when Will is with his father, this is my circumstance that I have to accept as sucky as it is. To stay busy and keep my mind off missing my little guy I recently started a Salsa class last week. My first class was really fun, I'll tell you more about the second class when it happens tomorrow!

Sunday Adventure

2011-08-14T23:13:00.000-07:00

We woke early today to check out the Antique Fair. There was a lot of cool things and I almost splurged on 2 lamps that I have been wanting, but didn't. Good Job for me on self control : )
I was starving after an hour at the fair and so I went back home cooked breakfast and headed to a soccer game. After, I took Will to our favorite Park (well it's my new favorite park) and our Sunday Adventure begins.....

First feed the ducks...

Then Chase the ducks....

Then, Finally the playground and LOT's of running around...

And after I methodically and peacefully pull him away from the park and into my car...the chaos begins in trying to lock him down into the car seat (no picture of that scene) and then Finally home for some painting....

and gardening

Then Melt Down.......The End.

Saturday

2011-08-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

We had quite a long day today. A lot of walking because of my stupidity, but it turned out ok. The baby didn't have to walk. We went to the 2nd Annual Banana Festival! After a couple hours at the festival we began our long trek back to the car. We walked though William Land park and stopped at the playground next to the wading pool to rest, rather for ME to rest. Will had a blast and I loved the idea of the pool, it only goes up to 6 inches and the area is small. There were a good amount of kids that Will enjoyed the play time. He is so Social.

Dreams do Come True......at least in my head!

2011-08-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

I hope I win the lottery tomorrow! The first thing I would do is put in my 2 weeks notice at work, then I would go visit my parents with my son. I would vacation in the Philippines for awhile and plan out how I would share my winnings.

When I return I would send the people I decided to share my money with, a check. I would enjoy my days at my rental home with my son.....until I found a home I wanted to purchase. I would get a dog too!

I would fix my car window and buy myself either an Audi A7, Lexus RX, Porsche 911 Carrera or heck all 3. Then, as I look for the perfect home for my son, dog and I, I would start my re-furbishing idea as my hobby.

Eventually, as I savor my moments of financial security and have a little fun with lavish spending I would like to open my own furniture store with furniture I Re-do and a dessert/cupcake/cafe!

Wish me luck!

Good Things ONLY

2011-08-04T06:34:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for my son
I am thankful for my health
I am thankful for Lindsay and her supportive, comforting, calming ways
I am thankful for Sharon who makes work amusing and fun and for her advice and ear
I am thankful for my home
I am thankful for my car
I am thankful for my sister

things will be ok

2011-07-07T19:43:00.000-07:00

My Car stopped working, I hope I didn't permanently break it. It's my own stupidity. I am reading my car manual from now on, I have to learn to be more of aware of car maintenance, my dad used to do that for. Whenever I spoke to my dad it was mostly about car stuff. I miss him.

I am trying to have a better attitude (even though it feels like things have not been going smoothly) about obstacles. Right now it feels like when something in my life is going good, something has to go wrong. I do remember a time in my life when everything was good! Maybe, the feng shui or good and bad in life is just part of growing up...or being an adult bleh!

Things could be worst, I could be really unhealthy, my car could have blown up.....so I'll be grateful for my problems. But, if there is a God.... I hope you could just give me some kind of sign that no matter how tough things seem to be, things will be ok: that i'll be able to take care of my son and I by providing us what we need and that we are both healthy........that's all.

Oh, and Thank you to the four strangers that stopped to help me : )

a deep breath

2011-06-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

I hate when I freak out!! Once I have a melt down I roll with it and freak out about every possible thing.....When I was driving home from work I started freaking out about my job security, then about my ability to even do my job, then how I would see my son less because his father may get a permanent job in the Bay Area, then how I don't have money.....and I kept rolling and rolling in negativity until I started crying and the weather made me feel even worse with it being rainy and grey. I calmed down once I couldn't see behind my tears and rain.

All I wanted was to be with Will and the baby.

But, instead I came home to an empty house.

I was done with my pity party and so I had a glass of wine and corn bread and a talk with my friend Huan......He helped me feel better.

the end.

My little Artist is the only one that can paint my sorrows away.....He makes me happy

i love this, REALLY love it

2011-06-14T00:17:00.000-07:00

"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don't think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold relationships with open hands, then people come in and out of your life as gifts of grace to be cherished and enjoyed, not objects to be owned and manipulated. And then when you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small."

I'm done trying to look ahead.PERIOD.

2011-06-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

I met a guy today who supposedly reads tarot cards and palms. He read mine. He said:I would have 3 kids, It will take 5 men to get to "the one" (I'm 3 down).....so one more heartbreak to go and I'll finally meet him. I will always have to work for everything I have. He also said I will always be the bread winner, and that I need to stop trying to do things for men, but allow them to do things for me.

mmm....interesting.

I don't know what my future holds, but I do know I should never take short-cuts. Short cuts in trying to make money, obtaining love, career, a home. I realized that because I lost an opportunity to make some profits recently because I tried to take a short cut, well if you knew all the details of my last relationship it spells out NO SHORT CUTS, and as cliche as it is Life is a lot about the journey not the destination. So, if I took more short cuts, then I would lose A LOT of Life.

I lose patience often, like yesterday with my son. He kept crying and crying and I didn't know why he was crying and being so fussy....I sternly got really angry with him which didn't help the situation and then I felt even more horrible. I tried to take a short cut with my son's emotions, it didn't work.

I think my life path is a slow and steady pace....not a short cut journey for me. My friend the other day said why can't periods be one hour?! Why can't we sit on the toilet for one hour and bleed it all out and be done with it?!

Because, that my friend would be a SHORT-CUT.

If periods lasted for an hour maybe we wouldn't have the cravings, the bitchiness, the emotional roller coasters that make us Women! More importantly we wouldn't have our Periods to blame for the bitchiness, the cravings, the emotional roller coasters.

So, maybe it's good that our periods don't last for an hour it gives us a short-cut to explain why we are women! especially when we are bitchy.

These are my craving, bitchy, emotional, LOVELY girlfriends that I have missed. I ADORE THEM
PERIODS AND ALL.

No Short-Cuts to Marriage, either

Me and my thoughts

2011-06-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

As I was lying in bed putting Will to sleep I started to think about a friend of mine who just had a baby girl. She and her boyfriend, who is also the father of her daughter, broke up. The baby is only 2 months old. I started wondering how she was feeling, I started thinking about how I felt.

When you're child-less and single, it is pretty great. Sure, there are those moments of loneliness and the need for affection, but over-all being single in your mid to late twenties was fabulous, at least from what I remember. But, when you're single and have a child, it sometimes feels lonelier and sometimes the need for affection is greater.

I am new to all this and I have read other single mama's blogs who beg to differ on the cons of being a single mom.....most toot the horn on the greatness of it, which makes absolute sense, but since I am a new single mama I am still going through the process of completely and contently accepting it. I understand all the great things about it, but I also understand the great things about having a partner.

Part of the difficulty with it is that I grew up in a traditional family. Traditional family meaning a mom and dad. I wanted that for my child too. I loved my childhood so it's only normal to want it for my little guy as well.

My life, however has taken on a different path and I have to really practice on controlling my Shenpa so that I don't develop resentment, sadness and un-acceptance due to my circumstance. I find peace in knowing that there are great things in my circumstance, like baby Will of course! and that I am taking care of myself and my son and that is an empowering feeling.

US

Shenpa

2011-06-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

I used to pour every thought out of me as if my mouth were a faucet and my words were water gushing out turbulently. I still do sometimes, that's just who I am and I guess this blog is sort of that. However, I know I have turned that faucet off a bit or at least I'm learning how to trickle my words out rather than spraying it out with great force. I just recently learned the tibetans have a word for fleeting feelings turbulently being sprayed out. It's called Shenpa. Shenpa means hooked, hooked on a thought, that a person makes it tangible enough that a reaction occurs. A physical and mental reaction.

For example if someone said a hurtful comment like, mmmm? let's use something relevant. If someone that you were in love with said," I'm not in love with you, we are like oil and water we will never mix" how would you feel? Well, speaking from experience my body started to tighten and my stomach ached, I wanted to cry but I couldn't because I wanted to sob uncontrollably but I couldn't because I was at work. Then, I began to feel sadness and anger throughout my veins- that's Shenpa. I got hooked by that statement and allowed the feelings to control me rather than taking control of my feelings.

What if I reacted differently? Instead of reacting the way I did, What if I took several deep breaths and paused for a moment? I don't know how I would have felt because that did not happen. Instead I left work early that day sick to my stomach.

I just finished my book, "Practicing Peace In Times of War" by Pema Chodron and that is where I learned about Shenpa. I am currently practicing pausing before I react. It is a very difficult practice because I am so accustomed to reacting out of thin air and getting hooked by anything said to me, whether it be a compliment or an insult.

Getting that hooked feeling is not a good thing for me because I begin to run with my thoughts to places I shouldn't run and I only create anxiety, sadness, anger. So, when I am aware of that hooked feeling I take a deep breath and give that thought some space and it usually works to make that icky thought dissipate, but it is constant practice. Another skill I am pro-actively trying to practice, being consistent. It's June first a new month, a fresh clean slate so here's to practicing consistency and my Shenpa, Wish me luck!

An In-Between Moment

2011-05-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

During the in-between moments of my life (when i say in-between i am referring to in-between bigger moments like my "love" life, goals, my son but that's my own scale of bigger moments and a whole other story) like when I am at work really examining the paper work. So, in my in-between moment at work on Friday as I was finishing the last five minutes of my day I started reading an Advance Care Directive. An Advance Care Directive is a document that a person has instructing health wishes in the case that he or she is incapable of verbalizing/expressing it them self. Yes, it is not a very fun subject, but something real that I think is important.

I think if I wasn't a mommy I wouldn't really care or think it was important, because before I was a mommy I saw this document a million times never thinking once that I should have one for myself. That's one thing mommy-hood did to me, think about this kind of stuff, like life insurance. Life insurance wasn't really something i considered getting for myself until I had Will.

It's a strange feeling to feel as if your life is much more important and more fragile when you have a child depending on you......Anyway back to my in-between moment. So, I was sitting there reading this Advance Directive....and thought that I should work on one this weekend (mind you it's a 3 day weekend and this is what I got all excited to do ) yes this is what my life has come to at the moment, lol.

So, I got the California Advance Directive off of www.caringinfo.org. You can download your specific state's Advance Directive and it is pretty self explanatory. To make it legal all you have to do is get it notarized, let the people you assign as Power of Attorney's for Health know and give them a copy as well as your physician and tada your set.

So, if anything happens to you like you get into a coma....your loved ones know what wishes you would like. It could possibly make it a little easier for your loved ones to make some sort of decision knowing your wishes are documented and instructed as well.

When I got home that day, my babysitter who is also my best friend started talking about death and how life is short and how we should take care of our health....there was more to the story, but that was the bottom line. So, since we were on the subject I let her know I would be putting her down as my 3rd choice for Power Attorney for Healthcare, the first one would be my mom and the second choice would be my little brother, I have yet to tell them.

Although I call that moment on Friday an in-between moment, It feels like my life right now is at an in-between stand still. Does that even make sense?