tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031Sat, 13 Aug 2011 10:18:16 +0000I write funny stuff for tv.http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)Blogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-4065681741200642585Mon, 11 Jul 2011 21:07:00 +00002011-07-11T14:08:59.911-07:00KristineAKimmelKristine Kimmeltwitteri'm an attention whoreAll my tweets are personal AND disgusting. Check it out!@KristineAKimmelhttp://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2011/07/wont-you-follow-me-on-twitter.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-3493460176808655356Mon, 07 Mar 2011 21:35:00 +00002011-03-23T12:07:58.068-07:00DoritosKristine KimmelThe DishHilarious JokesSadly, the Dish has been canceled. I think it had something to do with zero advertising and no one having the cable channel it aired on. But it's hard to say. Here are some of my last jokes that didn't make it to air, but hold a special place in my heart.Lady Gaga admits that she writes most of her songs while high on weed. So that’s why so many of her songs are about Ranch Doritos.Dancing http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2011/03/last-dish-effort.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-2717792263181267408Thu, 07 Oct 2010 17:54:00 +00002010-10-07T15:57:33.110-07:00Things That Make You Go HmmmmTrending NowSpaghetti TacosOkay, on yahoo's homepage, they have a section in the upper right hand corner called Trending Now, which I have copy pasted into my blog for obvious reasons. TRENDING NOW 1. Spaghetti Tacos 2. Christina Ricci 3. Robert Downey Jr. 4. Cadillac SRX 5. Toni Braxton 6. Sylvia Plath 7. Lily Allen 8. Consumer Credit 9. Arizona Tornado 10. Back-to-School S…I am just glad that Sylvia http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2010/10/yahoos-trending-now.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-4365326381237255234Thu, 30 Sep 2010 23:18:00 +00002011-03-23T12:11:35.589-07:00trickle down economicsAwesome jokesjokes not on tvYes this is James Franco on the cover of Candy magazine, the first ever fashion mag to celebrate transvestism, transexuality, cross dressing and androgyny. Go ahead and keep trying to make me not wanna make out with you Franco, I will not break! It’s confirmed, The Real Housewives of Miami is the next series in the popular franchise. Hey Bravo, are you ever going to give us a Real Housewives ofhttp://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2010/09/silly-words-strung-together-aka-jokes.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-4300093508736566136Mon, 13 Sep 2010 19:27:00 +00002010-09-13T12:38:42.700-07:00Hilarious JokesI think it’s pretty obvious Katy Perry is trying to corner the market on people who love cotton candy and hate good music.Lady Gaga covers the new issue of Vogue Japan covered in raw meat. Remind me not to order the kobe beef if I ever go to Japan.Victoria Beckam reveals that inside of her there is a gay man trying to get out. I always suspected, I mean David’s hair is ALWAYS perfect.Paris Hiltonhttp://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2010/09/these-jokes-are-not-fit-for-tv.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-8254517498979008439Thu, 02 Sep 2010 05:00:00 +00002010-09-01T22:29:24.744-07:00root canalthings that suckhobbiesbooks I will never readI have a new hobby. You might have heard of it- high priced dental work.It’s so crazy because I wasn’t even looking for a new hobby. You might be wondering why I chose such an expensive hobby. You might even suggest something less cost prohibitive like collecting conflict diamonds.Look, I want to support genocide as much as the next person. But does this hobby come with the added bonus of http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-new-hobby.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-8265316700702982899Mon, 30 Aug 2010 20:32:00 +00002010-08-30T13:41:18.947-07:00Heidi Montag is reportedly in talks to release her rumored sex tape. So if you are a guy who loves porn but hates getting boners, this is the tape for you!The entire Real Housewives of New Jersey cast have been banned from the New Jersey Country Club in Wayne, N.J. They are always welcome though at another popular New Jersey club- Donny’s Waterslide Park and Waterbed Emporium.According to http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2010/08/how-did-these-jokes-not-make-show.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-3909240621699254942Sat, 31 Jul 2010 19:19:00 +00002010-07-31T12:24:56.479-07:00Angelina JolieAwesome jokesMel GibsonKris Kimmel jokesThe Jersey ShoreOkay, so it's not really a party, more of a small get together with a few close friends. I've decided to begin a new segment called, "My favorite Jokes This Week That Didn't Make it Into the Show."A few new Mel Gibson tapes have surfaced and in one of them he dropped 25 F-Bombs in two minutes. He could’ve said the F word a few more times, but then he wouldn't have been able to work in “Murder,”http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2010/07/joke-party-usa.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-5214687440475381606Sat, 31 Jul 2010 00:35:00 +00002010-07-30T17:47:00.161-07:00Anthony WeinerJames Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation ActFinally a Democrat with some teeth!Democratic congressman Anthony Weiner ripped Republicans in an almost two minute rant for opposing the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act. I don't have anything funny to say about it, I just think it's awesome.http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2010/07/now-thats-more-like-it.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-570606329981108104Wed, 25 Nov 2009 07:09:00 +00002009-11-25T00:16:01.757-08:00After a Silkwood style shower and multiple hand washings I still can't get the smell of chocolate and vanilla milkshake off my person. I know what you're thinking, "Kris what's the problem with smelling like heaven dipped in rainbows? Well, sugary dairy confections don't tempt me. And after tonight, I will forever associate this sickening smell with one thing- humiliation.Occasionally on The http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2009/11/my-milkshake-brings-all-boys-to-yard.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-1939486904575296777Sat, 22 Aug 2009 02:19:00 +00002009-08-21T19:33:52.922-07:00genocideCongoHearst CastleCitizen CaneSwimming with DolphinsI have friends with “careers,” who go on “vacations,” therefore I am regularly assaulted with this command; “You must swim with the dolphins Kris- it’s magical. When I held onto that dorsal fin I felt so close to God. Plus the resort had the best margaritas.”I’m not going to swim with dolphins. I have social anxiety. I can get anxious in a group as small as three. I have trio anxiety. You can http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2009/08/stop-telling-me-to-swim-with-dolphins.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-1095107834198968278Mon, 10 Aug 2009 21:25:00 +00002009-08-10T15:03:07.932-07:00overstock.comclaire's boutiqueThe Hug Me Pillowspencers giftsLifeless HandLast night I was on Overstock.com purchasing new bedding. Look, just because I am not gainfully employed at the moment does not mean I am not going to do my part to stimulate the economy. Besides, I have to do something to offset the “Spencer’s Gifts,” theme I have somehow managed to adopt in my living room/bedroom (hint: it’s the same room). All I need is a lava lamp and a velvet Iron http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2009/08/introducing-hug-me-pillow.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-5809905708950874989Tue, 16 Sep 2008 17:54:00 +00002008-09-16T13:44:47.496-07:00Stefane ZamoranoJimmy DoreImpersonalReal Time With Bill MaherPaul F. TomkinsJesse ThornTodd GlassComedy and Everything ElseThe Sound of Young AmericaIf you enjoy emotions like happiness and glee, then you're totally going to dig these podcasts.Comedy and Everything Else- Comedy greats Jimmy Dore, Stefane Zamorano and Todd Glass deliver the goods in this hilarious and thought provoking podcast. I'm partial to episode 14 featuring the always brilliant Paul F. Tomkins (if you don't yet have his cd Impersonal, go buy it immediately, then come http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/09/podcasts-you-should-check-out-if-you.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-8831585501425640432Tue, 16 Sep 2008 16:05:00 +00002008-09-16T10:52:55.493-07:00Mike LeighGiganticHappy Go LuckyDoubtRachel Getting MarriedJonathon DemmeJohn Patrick ShanleyGhost TownZooey DeschanelI thought so.Here's a great interview from salon.com with director Mike Leigh (Secrets & Lies, Vera Drake) about his new film Happy Go Lucky (10/10). Here's the trailer. In the same article Stephanie Zacharek gives David Koepp's "Ghost Town," kudos, referring to it as "breezy and smart." I will see any movie that's referred to as breezy. Here's the trailer.I ran across another great piece http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/09/want-to-know-about-some-cool-movies.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-1515685193749643801Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:45:00 +00002008-07-08T00:00:18.787-07:00supergirlsuper groverunderooslos felizI miss Underoos. I think I might start wearing them again. I loved Underoos when I was a kid. I had Archie Comics Underoos and I am almost positive I had Supergirl Underoos too. Otherwise I was just running around in regular underwear with a towel tied around my neck screaming “I’m Supergirl!" And jumping on the furniture. Which is just as likely. How does Grover become SuperGrover? It only http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-miss-underoos_07.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-6392687547833339282Thu, 12 Jun 2008 21:00:00 +00002008-06-20T13:26:47.138-07:00Welcome to Thursday's Playlist Spectacular Fantastic. This is a new feature on the Kris Kimmel Show and certain to be a big hit with my core audience. Am I right core?As you can see by the catchy headline of this post, this playlist is thematic in nature, so throw on your flip-flops, put the top down* and head to the beach for some California grooves. *Convertible and computer not included.http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/06/if-you-think-california-sucks-you-suck.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-5633408854248078948Tue, 13 May 2008 04:14:00 +00002008-06-28T20:13:17.652-07:00Gossip GirlLisa LoebSerena and BlairEthan Hawke10. When Lisa Loeb sang "Stay," on tonights episode it reminded you of the Ethan Hawke obsession you had in college.9. You have an unusual fixation with Serena and Blair's smooth and dewy skin.8. All you keep thinking is "These kids are too gosh darn young too be f*cking so much!"7. You really wish they would be a little more respectful of their parents6. You can't remember guys ever being that http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/05/you-might-be-too-old-to-watch-gossip.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-506594007830744205Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:09:00 +00002008-04-29T13:10:42.104-07:00BeckViolet Hillfree Coldplay showTheivery CorporationRadioheadFiestColplayGnarls BarkleyIf you live in New York, you can see Coldplay for the low low price of free on June 23. If you don't live in New York, maybe you should stop listening to Coldplay. It's your choice.There are a plethora of cool bands playing at the Hollywood Bowl this summer including Thievery Corporation, Fiest, Gnarls Barkley, Radiohead and Beck. That's right. BECK.Back to Coldplay, for just a sec, you can http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/04/free-coldplay-show.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-8450707533848000160Mon, 28 Apr 2008 17:08:00 +00002008-04-28T18:27:59.913-07:00CoachellaRadioheadPrinceRolling StoneCheck out this pic from Coachella. If you look closely, you'll notice only one dude actually had a good time. So if you didn't go, you don't have to feel bad. For more cool pics and for full coverage of the event head to rollingstone.com. I'm pretty sure they were there and can give you a better idea of what went down than I can. I spent most of the weekend looking for an apartment in Silver http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/04/few-more-words-about-coachella-and-then.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-2579902711807363828Mon, 28 Apr 2008 03:01:00 +00002008-04-28T18:56:49.828-07:00HBOMr. ShowVanity FairBob and DavidFor all you Mr. Show fans, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the dynamic comedy duo have reunited for David's Situation. I am planning to get my act together so by the time the show airs I will have HBO. Step one in my plan is to get a television.I absolutely know what I'm doing.Read the recent Vanity Fair interview with Bob and David. Or David and Bob depending on how you see the http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/04/this-post-is-only-for-comedy-nerds.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-7623734860321081740Fri, 25 Apr 2008 19:05:00 +00002008-04-25T16:40:55.312-07:00Missed ConnectionsBaby MamaCraigslistI'm heading out to see Baby Mama in a few minutes, but not before I leave you with this great missed connection from Craigslist.http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/04/kind-of-girl-you-wanna-bring-home-to.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-6185444266206787001Thu, 24 Apr 2008 20:08:00 +00002008-04-24T15:21:07.601-07:00CoachellaPortisheadDeVotchkathe Racanteurs.The Bird and the BeeRogue WaveHot ChipTegan and SaraCoachella is this weekend. If you're going...awesome! If you've been to the festival before, you must know you are a person who thrives on huge crowds of people on ecstasy and assorted other drugs, enjoy the fiery hot burning rays of the desert sun and delight in warm beer in plastic cups.If this is your first time in Indio, I hope you LOVE the smell of patchouli!For the rest of us, not headinghttp://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/04/bands-are-so-great-at-coachella-i.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-5751845073392101646Thu, 24 Apr 2008 19:22:00 +00002008-04-24T15:13:19.768-07:00Mike NicholsLaura LinneyThe SavagesCloverfieldOne Missed CallPhillip Seymour HoffmanCharlie Wilson's WarI finally saw Cloverfield last night. I screamed out loud twice and was wide awake until about 3 am, so mission accomplished.It was so fun being scared, I didn't mind how cheesy the character names were. "Miranda Diamond," as the funny, sarcastic not quite as hot but still pretty smokin' girl. Ha ha! Did the screenwriter pull his character names from softcore porn? I couldn't help thinking http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/04/monsters-induced-insomnia.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-1297302626991526314Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:26:00 +00002008-04-24T14:08:18.636-07:00Earth DayConan O'BrianRadioheadLate NightIn Honor of Earth Day, I did NOT cut down any Rain Forests. I did unplug all of my appliances not currently being used. Please do the same. For a list of other cool and easy things you can do Al Gore's site is great. Also, I found this other super cool site called Earth911 that lists places to take your electronics, paint and other kooky items you should NOT be throwing in the trash. For myhttp://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/04/this-post-is-earth-friendly.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930408376890226031.post-6031407477562936182Tue, 15 Apr 2008 21:02:00 +00002008-04-15T16:52:00.774-07:00Lars and the Real GirlJunoCloverfieldIf you like endearing indie films and you LOVE anatomically correct sex dolls, then I've got a pic for you! Lars and the Real Girl, one of my favorite films of 2007 was released on DVD today.Another sweet indie favorite, except for the people that hated it, Juno also hits today. I thought it was adorable. Stop being a jerk about it already.Cloverfield doesn't come out until the 22nd. Sorry http://kriskimmel.blogspot.com/2008/04/my-absolute-favorite-movie-ever-about.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Kristine Kimmel)1