Krisha's Kooking

Another Year

2010-10-24T16:57:00.000-07:00

Well as I prepare to enter my 32nd year on this journey, I begin to reflect and typically I go through a period of depression as my birthday approaches. While I am not really depressed this year (thanks to the medication), I am certainly reflecting. This year has been a big year for me and my family. Starting with my breakdown last November, Seeking help afterward, Justin moving, filing for bankruptcy, oportunities coming to possibly move on with my job that never panned out and coming to terms with the fact that I will be on medication for the rest of my life to treat my illness.

I have learned a great many things this year and found new ways of coping. I have learned that cooking releases lots of stress for me but blogging about it is too much pressure. Eating everything I make doesn't always work out for my waist line but I am also learning to be content with my self how I am. I have learned that love between my husband and I will only grow deeper as we age and to respect that we are different people and react to things differently. I have learned how to be apart from my child and to manage the guilt I have for how things came about and I have also learned he still loves me and that he is happier and thriving aty his dad's. I have learned to deal with a sucky work environment and be grateful that I have a job. While all of these lessons have been valuable to me, the most important thing I have learned this year is how to like myself again.

I have set goals for the coming year and am currently working on ways and plans to obtain those goals. One of my goals is to blog more often and I think that I am going to set aside one night a week while my husband is at work to do so. Another goal is to lose 20 pounds and I am working on a more consistent exercise plan as well as I will be adventuring into more healthful cooking. (this would be easier if my husbands pallete was more open minded). For Christmas I plan to buy myself Gordon Ramsay's healthful Eating cook book and expirement with new ideas.My third and most important goal is to find a new job. My current job is to much stress and to full of politics that create more stress. If I have to spend half my waking hours working, I need to be in an environment that I am happy in. While I am aware that there is stress and politics wherever I may work, there are levels of acceptability and my level has been exceeded. Ultimately I hope to be in a position to one day work for myself. I want to open and book and gift store. Dreams are important and this is my dream.

I probably should reread this and make it less disjointed but I just wanted to post a quick something so here it is.

God Bless Everyone!

KisS the KooK

Krisha

I am back

2010-07-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. I have not posted for awhile which is actually a good thing. Life has gotten back to a semblance of normalcy. I am still bi polar, I am still on meds, but I am functioning much better. A lot has happened over the past few months. My older son came home for the summer, we filed bankruptcy and I am still working in the same dead end job, but I have different goals. I have decided that in a few years I want to open a book store and work for myself. I think having this as an option is making the job I hate easier to deal with. Mentally I am a lot more stable now. emotionally I am dealing with the grief of Justin moving to his dads and I am accepting this decision as a positive one for Justin. Anyway this is a disjointed post but I just wnated to let the people who check it out know I am ok and doing well. I will try to give a more deatiled update in a couple days.

KisS the Kook Cook

Krisha

WISDOM

2010-02-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

"Wisdom has three stages. The first one is knowledge acquired by hearing or reading. We reach the second stage when we make this knowledge our own by taking its guidelines to heart and trying to actualize them through thought, speech and action. As we do this more and more, our thoughts, words and deeds are purified, and the third and highest stage of wisdom arises."

- AYYA KHEMA, Be an Island

Super Bowl Recipes Part 2 - WINGS

2010-02-07T17:55:00.000-08:00

These are super yummy, super easy!

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Separate a bag of wings into two zip lock bags, marinate one bag with a cup of veri veri teriyaki sauce, marinate the other with your favorite hot sauce (we use my mother in laws secret recipe - its a secret because I do not know it and she makes a tone and brings it to us). Let marinate about 20 minutes, spread on a baking sheet bake for 25-30 minutes, drizzle more teriyaki and hot sauce and bake for additional 5-10 minutes.

ENJOY

KisS the Kook Cook

Super Bowl Super Recipes Part 1 Nachos

2010-02-07T14:09:00.000-08:00

Last Hurrah to Junk Food!

SUPER BOWL SUPER RECIPES

Fully Loaded Chicken Nachos

CHICKEN

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F

3 6-8 oz breasts of chicken

Olive Oil

Salt

Pepper

oregano (dried)

Basil (dried)

cilantro (dried)

Drizzle chicken breasts with olive oil, sprinkle with salt,pepper, basil, cilantro, and oregano. Put on a rack and roast for 20-25 minutes until no longer pink. When cool enough to handle, chop into bite size cubes and set aside.

NACHOS

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F

Mission Tortilla Chip Strips

1 15 oz Can Kidney Beans, drained

1 15 oz Can Corn, drained

1 15 oz can diced tomatoes, drained or 2 cups fresh

4 cups Shredded Cheese (we use Cheddar and Jack)

1 cup diced onion

1 tablespoon Lime Juice

2 cups chopped cooked chicken

1 table spoonCilantro

***note: a 15 oz can of black beans and a 15 oz can of Garbonzo beans is good too (I just didn't have any today) if you use add an extra table spoon of lime juice and cilantro

Add beans, corn, onion, and tomatoes to a bowl add lime juice and cilantro and stir well. Add chicken to the mix and stir.

Line a baking sheet with foil. Put a layer of chips on the pan followed by a layer of bean/corn/chicken mixture and a layer of cheese. Repeat with a second layer.

Bake in oven for 15-20 minutes or until cheese is melted and bubbly, remove and enjoy!

**hint: A pizza cutter will help make serve able portions! Or just put the whole pan out and let your football fans go for it!

ENJOY!!!

Things are looking up.

2010-02-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

Well readers, it appears that things are looking up. This is the second week that I feel like I am on my way to "normalcy". The Geodon really does seem to be making a difference in all sorts of ways. For instance, I through out 3 huge boxes of paper (old bills, scraps, etc) without feeling the least bit anxious over it. I kept the important stuff and let the rest go. I also set deadlines on some of my scrapbook material. If I haven't got the books made by the end of the summer then I don't need it. I am also able to go into a room and know where to start cleaning, I don't feel so overwhelmed.

My mood seems to be stabilizing as well. I am not so quick to over react and am slower to get angry. The rage is under control. The real test will be to see how I do during my PMS cycle but things are going ok for now. I feel like I am getting my life back.

Things are improving on the financial side too. we have made the decision to file for bankruptcy which in a weird way has brought some relief. We retained an attorney and the phone calls have stopped. This was something I was way against but am now glad we are doing. I still blame myself because if I had not gotten sick last March and been hospitalized for so long, I don't think we would have gotten this far in debt. We have tried every other option though and are just unable to find another solution.

Another positive thing that should bring about a lot of stress relief is that I have an interview with a company here in the city that I live in. It is also outside of casino world. If I get this job I will be giving two weeks notice at my current job and working here in town. This will alleviate the stress in my current job which is getting worse by the day as well as save me time and about $400 a month in gas. My commute would be 5 minutes each way compared to the hour each way I currently drive. There should also be a financial upside to this position if I get it. I really want to work for this company and am praying that tomorrow evening goes well.

The last positive stress reliever that happened this week is that I now have a "home gym". We cleared out my older son's room and arranged it such that it will still be his room when he is here, but will also be a guest bedroom when needed and my gym the rest of the time. I now have a space dedicated to my pursuit of getting fit and in shape. It is also an area where I can go to meditate and relax the stress of the day away.

Well That about brings everything up to date for this week. Today is SUPER BOWL SUNDAY so my healthy recipe will wait until next week, I couldn't resist the opportunity to make my favorite nacho's and wings as well as air popped popcorn. So this is my last hurrah to junk food as I plan to start either the South Beach or Atkins diet after we go shopping next weekend.

I will post the nacho's and wings recipes later today.

Best wishes to everyone for a great week!

Enjoy!

KisS the Kook Cook

Quotes of Inspirations

2010-02-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

Just a quickie - came across these in my cleaning adventure today and wanted to share.

"Even a strong wind is empty by nature.
Even a great wave is just ocean itself.
Even thick clouds are insubstantial as sky.
Even the dense mind is naturally birthless."
- MILAREPA, DRINKING THE MOUNTAIN STREAM

"Since the old days, it is said that "anger is the fire in one's mind that burns away all of one's virtuous deeds." Anger should be absolutely surrendered".
-JAE WOONG KIM, POLISHING THE DIAMOND

"I was just thinking
one morning
during meditation
how much alike
hope
and baking powder are:
quietly
getting what is
best in me
to rise,
awakening
the hint of eternity
within.

I always think of that
when I eat biscuits now
and wish
that I could be
more faithful
to the hint of eternity,
the baking powder
in me."
-MACRINA WIEDERKEHR IN SEASONS OF YOUR HEART

A Brighter Outlook

2010-01-31T20:14:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!

This week was full of positives. I FEEL BETTER. the medication is working that is a plus. I also found a psychologist who can see me on Saturdays. I had my first appointment yesterday and it went really good, was extremely therapeutic. I was open and honest which is a big step, therapy only works when you can be honest and open about your issues, that insight comes from maturity I think. When I was younger it was much more difficult to be honest about my issues and problems when I tried therapy (probably why it did not work :)). I have another appointment next week and I am looking forward to it.

I also started a fitness routine yesterday. I am sooooo not happy with my weight and the only way that is going to change is if I do something about it. So here is the plan:

Sunday Power walk and High Cardio Workout plus Tone/Strength exercises
Monday Power walk plus Tone/Strength
Tuesday Power walk
Wednesday Power walk plus Tone/Strength
Thursday Power walk
Friday Power walk plus Tone/Strength
Saturday Power Walk and High Cardio Workout plus Tone/Strength.

This plan in combination with eating healthy should help me reach my goal of losing 45-50 pounds this year. I weigh 187 and I am only 5'3" so my Body Mass Index is a 29 and unhealthy. I hate the way I look and want to improve. My husband is on board with this and being very supportive, he is even willing to try stuff he wasn't a year ago such as whole wheat pasta and brown rice, more water less soda, etc. The other upside to so much physical activity is that the endorphins help to stabilize my mood.
The down side is right now my calves are killing me and I want to hurl stuff at the workout video lady! I made it through the entire video though. I did not think I was going to make it but I pushed myself to do it and I did!

The other positive thing that happened this week is that I got a really good lead on a job. I sent my resume and hopefully will have an interview soon. The best part is that it is here in town so no more commuting if I get it which means no more $400 bucks per month on gas!!! YEA YIPPY HURRAY! SO I am keeping my fingers crossed because I want this job even more than the last one I interviewed for.

Anyway, just a quick update, I am too the shower and to call my oldest son to wish him a happy birthday tomorrow! I can't believe he is going to be 14! WOW.

P.S.

Next week will feature a new HEALTHY recipe!

ENJOY

KisS the Kook Cook

Link Share

2010-01-30T15:29:00.001-08:00

This is a link to a blog I follow, I really like the information contained. Check it out:

http://hopeworkscommunity.wordpress.com/2010/01/28/second-look-on-getting-ready-for-war/

50/50 Week

2010-01-24T10:24:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been an interesting week. The first part of this week sucked, was still very emotional in the evenings and felt very lonely. Then I saw the Psychiatrist on Wednesday. We decided that I was having "withdrawals" in the afternoon form the Geodon, basically I was metabolizing it too quickly.

In order to prevent the withdrawal period I am now taking 60mg in the morning and 60mg in the evening. This has made a HUGE difference. I feel GREAT! Not manic, just good. the tricky part is that I am experiencing the sedation more during the day and feel a little keyed up at night. I am hoping that in a week or two this will have leveled out. In the mean time I am compensating with caffeine ( I know I know bad idea). I would rather be sweaty and have hot flashes and feel a little shaky than fall asleep at work.

Wednesday I also found out that I did not get the job that I interviewed for which bummed me out cause I really wanted it, but I did get a few leads on some other possible openings. And I am still grateful that I have a current job and am working.

Friday I had to leave work early because my Hubby's truck's drive shaft broke. He had to leave the truck on the side of the highway to get to work, so I had to leave early to have the truck towed and pick him up and then pick my step son up. So now we have another vehicle that needs to be repaired....again!

I started doing daily meditation again after reading a friend of mines book. I am currently using a Buddhist Inspirations book which has a compilation of different "gems" to meditate on. I wanted to share a couple that I think are worth pondering:

"Wisdom does not mean knowledge but experiential understanding. Wisdom helps you to change radically your habits and perceptions, as you discover the constantly changing, interconnected nature of the whole existence"- Martine Batchelor, MEDITATION FOR LIFE.

This statement resonated within me as being so simple yet so true. Just because you have a lot of knowledge it does not make you wise. I am striving for wisdom everyday.

And the other one I wanted to share also resonates within me :

"This mind and body is our household. If this inner household is not in order, no outer household can be in order." - Ayya Khema, BEING NOBODY, GOING NOWHERE

Again I understand this completely and can relate on so many levels.

Well, my mornings medication has kicked in and I am getting sleepy so before this becomes anymore jumbled I am saying TA TA for Now!

Enjoy!

KisS the Kook Cook

Shepherds Pie

2010-01-24T09:53:00.000-08:00

This week we made Shepherds Pie. One of the Favorites in this household! It really is quite easy to make and oh so yummy! Let me know what you think!

Ingredients:

Mash
8 Med potatoes peeled
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup butter

Meat Mixture:
2 lbs Ground Beef
3 Large Cloves of Garlic minced
1 Onion Minced
5-6 Large Carrots chopped
2 15oz cans corn drained
1 12oz bag frozen cut green beans
2 tablespoons butter
1 cup beef broth
1/2 cup (yes really) Worcestershire sauce
Salt and Pepper to taste
1 teaspoon Marjoram dried and crushed
1 teaspoon Oregano dried and crushed
1 Tablespoon Flour
1/2 cup Heavy Cream

Mashed Potatoes:

Boil the peeled potatoes in salted water about 30 minutes or till nearly falling apart, drain and put in large bowl. Add 1/2 cup butter (softened) and 1 cup sour cream, blend with a mixer or masher until smooth and fluffy.

Pie Filling:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees

Add to tablespoons butter to skillet and saute minced onions and garlic.

Add carrots,ground beef,marjoram, oregano and salt and pepper saute until no longer pink.

Add Worcestershire sauce and beef broth bring to a simmer and cook for 10 minutes.

Use a slotted spoon to remove the beef mixture to baking dish/pan

Bring broth mixture to a boil and whisk in flour until smooth, add cream and cook until bubbly (about 3-5 minutes).

Add corn and green beans to beef mixture, add gravy to top

Spread Mash on top, use a fork to make designs/peaks and sprinkle with paprika.

Bake in oven for 35 minutes or until bubbly and brown.

Serve with a salad or by itself. This dish is so yummy! Let me know what you think if you try it.

Geodon Adventure Update

2010-01-20T19:08:00.000-08:00

Just a quickie update. I saw the psychiatrist today. We are going to split my 120mg into two doses, one in the am and one in the pm (breakfast and dinner). Hopefully this will eliminate the weepy time I have in the evening. This will start on with tomorrow's dose ( I will take 60 at dinner tomorrow and 60 on Friday Morning.

Enjoy

KisS the KooK Cook

A game I found at another blog: BPD in OKC

2010-01-19T22:03:00.000-08:00

One of the Blogs I follow posted the following (SEE ORIGINAL LINK: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/)

The Queen's Meme #21 ~ The Wisdom At 21 Meme

This is a royal twist on an old meme. I just wish I'd found these gems when I was actually twenty-one.This is how it works: You must follow the directions to the letter.

1. Find the nearest bookshelf of your favorite reads, cookbooks, tech books, magazines. It doesn't matter. This will work for all print media. If you don't have seven books lined up on a shelf, grab the first seven you see around the house.
2. Book #1: Turn to page 21. Read the 21st sentence (you may have to turn the page).
Write it down.
3. Do the same with the first seven books or articles you see. The sentences will make a paragraph. You must write them down in the order you found them.
4. When you are finished, read over your "story" and title it.
5. Show us your bibliography at the end of this meme. Hmmm...I wonder if we'll be surprised at the reading material we may find.

So I decided that I would try it. Below is My Story.

The Eclectic

He Looked so weary. Unseen, amid the revels there, till growing bold, he laughed and leapt. The tiny microorganisms were dangerous to everyone. One of his first commissions was for a series of battle scenes for the viceregal palace. Motivation and Fitness are the other two. She stayed low knowing she would show up easily against the bright sunlit roof. And don't stop with humans.

Hot Blooded Anthology by Christine Feehan, Maggie SHayne, Emma Holly, and Angela Knight
Edgar Allan Poe Complete Tales and Poems
Dark Curse by Christine Feehan
Framing America a social history of American Art by Frances K Pohl
The all new Atkins Advantage by Stuart L Trager MD aith Colette Heimowitz, MSC
Hidden currents by Christine Feehan
Spiritual Literacy by Frederic and Mary Ann Brusatt

Enjoy

KisS the Kook Cook

The big move and things aren't always what you plan

2010-01-17T11:26:00.000-08:00

Hello readers. How was your week?

This week was EMOTIONAL and hard. My older son moved back to his Dad's house yesterday. My heart is breaking. I HURT! I am sad and I am ANGRY. Ok - now that the feelings are labeled, let's go on with the story.

About a week before thanksgiving, we found out that my older son was failing in school on purpose. You see, when we first made the custody switch form his dad back to me two years ago, his dad made a condition that my older son needed to maintain a 3.0 grade point average to stay living here. So J (my older son) decided that the easiest way for him to go back to his dad's was for him to purposely fail in school, that way he wouldn't hurt my feelings. I found out about this plot after I had grounded J for poor grades and removed the cell phone privilege, I had asked J to call his dad to let him know he would not be able to reach him on the cell phone and as I was walking past J's room I heard the fail on purpose so I can move back plan being explained as the reason for the poor grades. THIS CRUSHED ME. I was hurt because he wanted to move back and devastated that he didn't think he could talk to me about it.

As it turns out, the major reason he wanted to move back is because his dad can't see him regularly. Originally he was supposed to drive up (we live about 5 hours away) and see J once a month. It has been more like every other to every 3 months that he has seen J. My son naturally misses his dad and his other family, friends, cousins and grand parents. What makes it worse is that when J's dad does come to see him they stay at the cabin instead of driving back to his dad's house, so J's solution to this "homesickness" is to move back to his dad's.
This makes me ANGRY. Why should I be "punished" for my exe's lack of commitment! I drove down there and back every other weekend and holiday for over two years because my son was the priority! Why can't my ex do the same! This is especially hard because physically and financially I can no longer make that drive.

This was the trigger for the massive breakdown that happened that weekend and the cause for the complete and utter disfunction after. the pain and the hurt was the catalyst to send my already deteriorating mental state over the edge. (The discovery happened on Friday, by Monday it had gotten so bad that I actually forced my husband to walk out on me ( we reconciled by Thursday - Thanksgiving - after I agreed to get professional help and go back on meds, which is how I ended up here).) Besides which I feel is a major factor in my son's desire to move back to his dad's, the screaming, the yelling, the feeling of walking on egg shells so as to not upset me all played a part in this, which adds to the compound of guilt and shame and remorse and fear and failure that I feel.
But I digress.......

So the move happened yesterday after a very tense week of packing and arrangements and transfers and loose ends. VERY STRESSFUL. J on the other hand seemed relieved to finally be leaving this nightmare, this only adds to my pain.

My husband, GOD BLESS HIM, had the foresight to take yesterday off. After J's dad came and we packed everything into the back of an SUV with the seats folded down, I was a wreck. I managed to keep it together while my ex was here, however as I hugged J good bye whispering in his ear that he can always come back the tears began to fall. and continued to fall as they pulled out and drove away. My husband, stepson and I decided that being in the house would not be the best thing for me and after I put together a list of what I needed for last nights dinner we headed out the door and ran several errands that really amounted to a lot of window shopping and keeping me away from the house. The constant walking seems to be a very good stress reliever for me and by the time we got home I was tear free and ready to cook. I made Steak Au Poivre, a salad, steak fries, and lava cakes for desert (which did not turn out as I planned, they flattened out, I think my "lava" balls were to big). I f you wan the recipe, I will post, just let me know.

Today, I am sad, I am weepy, I am tired. We increased my dose of Geodon last night to 120 mg. About an hour after I took it I felt "high". I felt like my heart beat was going to slow and I just did not feel "right". I am hopeful that that will go away as it metabolizes into my system. And I am still alive so my heart beat must be fine. To complicate the huge emotional mess I am in, my period also started ten days early. Good old Aunt Flo, always there when you LEAST need her!

Anyway, I realize that this post is disjointed and jumbled and if any one is reading it they probably don't care but I made a commitment to myself that I would post once a week at least and here it is. I am going to stop for today though as the more I type the more the tears threaten to break through and I need to stay in control for my younger step sons sake.

As always if you want to comment please do, I will respond. I don't think any one does though as no one has, and that is ok too.

Thanks for Reading.

KisS the Kook Cook

Part Two - Pork Chops and Creme Puffs

2010-01-10T21:26:00.000-08:00

Ok - here is part two as promised.

Tonight's recipes are especially special because my younger stepson chose them. You see, my older son is part of Sea Cadets and this weekend he had drill. Each time he has drill my younger stepson feels left out, so I started a tradition about a year ago that on drill weekends, my younger stepson gets to pick the recipes I cook. He also loves to help in the making. My favorite part of this tradition is how it has strengthened the bond between us.

Apple Cider Braised Pork Loin Chops

Created by me!

Preheat oven to 375

4 loin chops ( I buy mine at Costco and the are about 2 inch cuts)
2 tablespoons of butter
about a 1/4 teaspoon of Rosemary for each side of each chop
salt and pepper
1/8 CUP of Worcester Sauce
4 cups of apple cider.

Using a the flat side of a meat mallet, pound chops to about 1 to 1 1/2 inch thick, season with salt, pepper and rosemary on each side of chops.

Heat a skillet on the stove and add butter, sear the chops on all sides and immediately transfer to a glass baking dish.

Add the cider to the skillet and bring to a boil scraping all the browned bits from the pan, add the worcester sauce, proceed to the next step.

Pour the cider over the meat and bake in the oven for 45 min or until a thermometer reads 160 degrees.

*the cider braises the pork and creates a wonderfully savory, flavorful, tender, and juicy chop. Melts in your mouth GOODNESS!

Serve with Wild Rice (cooked according to package directions except substituting chicken broth for the water) and Steamed Green beans sprinkled with parmesan cheese.

CREME PUFFS

(from the BHG Celebrating the promise cookbook)

1 cup water
1/2 cup butter
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup flour
4 eggs

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

In a saucepan Bring the water, salt and butter to a boil.

Add flour all at once, stirring vigorously.

Cook and stir until mixture forms a ball this only takes about a minute.

Remove the pan from heat.

Cool for 10 minutes. SET A TIMER!! THIS STEP IS IMPORTANT!

Add eggs, one at a time, beating well with a wooden spoon after each addition.

Drop by rounded teaspoons onto a greased cookie sheet (Just like you would chocolate chip cookies)

Bake for 25-35 minutes or until firm and golden brown.

In the mean time make your pudding for a filling. We made lemon pudding and chocolate pudding and fresh strawberries and fresh blueberries as well. (YOU WILL HAVE A LOT OF PUDDING LEFT OVER!!!)

When the cream puffs are done, remove form oven and let cool.

Cut in half remove the soft dough and fill with your choice of fillings. (DO THIS RIGHT BEFORE SEVING). If you want you can also sift powder sugar on the tops.

These are so easy to make! This was the first time we had made this recipe and it was a big hit. All the cream puffs were devoured and I am sure it will be requested again.

Enjoy!
Love,
KisS the KooK Cook

http://hopeworkscommunity.wordpress.com/?blogsub=confirming

2010-01-10T10:58:00.000-08:00

http://hopeworkscommunity.wordpress.com/?blogsub=confirming

The week behind us now and a little background. Part one of Two for today

2010-01-10T10:37:00.000-08:00

Hello readers,

When I left off Wednesday I had just increased the dosage of Geodon to 60 mg. (by the way the Kitten is fine). Still no really bothersome side effects. This is really working for me. It really is starting to help me stay calmer and and I am sleeping great! The only major issue is it is really really hard for me to get my eyes open in the morning. My older son was late to school 4 out of 5 days this week and I was late to work once. So we are working on that.

Also, at the new dosage I can drink coffee as long as I only have one cup (I use a tall coffee mug and it seemed to be the perfect amount).

I am still struggling with the impending move of my son but I am starting to be able to cope with it. My living room and kitchen are spotless as I am taking out all of my frustrations on them.

Today however, I plane to take it easy and COOK!COOK!COOK! My younger step son and I are going to make Cream Puffs (to use with our Chicken Salad Lunch and as Desert for tonight's dinner of Pork Chops, Wild Long Grain Rice, and Green Beans accompanied by a crisp romaine and veggie salad. That will be the cooking section of this weeks blog and I will post it tonight.

A friend of mine who is reading this blog suggested that I give a little back ground of myself and my life to help "you" the reader understand where I am coming from. I gave it some thought and agreed so below is the synopsis of the story of my life.

The Life of KisS the Kook Cook

I was born 30 some years ago in a small town in Northern Utah. My parent's divorced when I was around 3. (KEEP IN MIND- I was young and my memory may be a little off).

My mother is a wonderful woman who is smart, strong, loving and is more than a mother to me, she is my best friend. We had our struggles though especially when I was a teen ager (prior to my diagnosis) and during my "drug" years, we have however moved past that and I can not imagine having anyone else for a Mom. I always knew that even when she did not "like" me, she always loved me and I would not be the person I am without that love and support.

My father is not and has never been a major part of my life. This was by his choice when I was younger and by my choice now as an adult. My father has/had his own issues, however, when I was younger and sometimes (rarely) I still do long for a father that loved me and wanted to be a part of my life. It took me a very very long time to understand that there is nothing wrong with me and that him not loving me was not my fault. I even remember having a "breakdown" when I was in 4th or 5th grade because I wanted him to care about me. I will be honest though, this is still an issue that I struggle with on occasion.

During my teen age years I was blessed with a step father that has been more of a father to me than my biological father could have ever imagined to be and for that I am truly grateful.

I have 1 sister and 3 half sisters ( we all have the same father). I also have 2 step brothers from my mom's marriage to my step dad. I am extremely close to my sister whom is also one my best friends. I wish I was closer to my half sisters. I have repeatedly made efforts to try and reestablish that connection in our adult lives but have not had much success. I also wish I was closer to my step brothers and their wives. However since we did not have that "sibling" connection when we were younger (we became step siblings as teen agers and adults), it is hard to make those sibling relationships as we all live in different areas and have very busy lives. I am the oldest of my "sisters" and younger than my "brothers".

My grade school years were calm as far as I can remember, most of my memories of this age range are pretty fuzzy. All I really remember is being teased about my red hair.

Right before 6th grade we moved to Northern California. My 6th grade year was fine as well as far as I can remember. We then moved again to another city in Northern California. This is when My issues started. 7th grade was horrible. I was teased, humiliated and tortured by other girls in my class. I was skinny, had red hair and was the new kid. These other girls were in a gang and this was part of their inititiation. "Break 'em down and Jump them in". To protect my self I made up horrible lies thinking that it would get them to leave me alone, it just made things worse. I only had one close friend during this period.

These problems continued into 8th grade where I began experimenting with drugs, smoking, and lost my virginity at 14. I finally let the girls jump me in right after my 14th birthday thinking this would stop the tormenting, it didn't. Due to my behavior and having drug's at school, I was almost expelled during my 8th grade year. I had multiple behavior issues at home as well and was sent to live with my grandparents to finish out the school year and for the summer.

When I returned. My mom and my now stepdad had moved in together in another city in California. I started as the new kid again my freshman year in high school.

I did make friends but most of the two years of high school are kind of fuzzy. When I was 15 I tried to kill myself due to depression, feelings of worthlessness and "not feeling normal". Looking back I think this when the Bipolar started and that it was much more than teenage hormones.

I became pregnant at 16 and took my CHSP and GED tests. I had my older son 3 months after my 17th Birthday. I was married at 18 and divorced at 19.

I turned 21 while I was pregnant with my younger son. Right before I became pregnant with my younger son, my father (who was living with me) and my boyfriend at the time introduced me to methamphetamine. ( I do not blame my boy freind - he left the room as he did not want to be a part of it the first time. I DO blame my Dad who should have known better)WOW! boy did I like meth. It stopped the constant racing of my thoughts and made me fell "calm". (LET ME BE CLEAR HERE - I DID NOT USE WHILE I WAS PREGNANT or BREAST FEEDING!!!). Shortly after I became pregnant I was evicted from my apartment. My boyfriend left as he did not believe he was the father of my child. (as it turns out he was the right - the father was a one night stand while I was in a fight with my boyfriend). I ended up living in a shelter during my pregnancy and after the birth of my younger son. Again, looking back my life was out of control, I had many Manic Episodes and would not sleep for days while I was NOT using any drug's. I had risky behavior and made impulsive, stupid decisions, I could not hold a job and was quickly spiraling down hill. At this point I was still not truly diagnosed. I believed that my boyfriend was the father of my baby and made his life miserable as well as most of the people around me.

After my younger son was born and I had stopped breast feeding. I began doing Meth again. I used off and on for 4 years. The stuff that happened while I was using was horrible and could fill pages upon pages, some of which I am still not ready to come to terms with, an example of this is that my younger son was adopted out at 9 months old. I think that wa spart of the catalyst that really sent my addiction out of control. I went into an inpatient recovery facility and began the process of getting clean. I was "dual diagnosed" and determined to be Bipolar and have Borderline Personality Disorder as well as addiction issues. I was put on medications and was stable for about 6 months. I then had a small relapse and determined that I could not get clean in that area for any significant period of time and moved to Nevada.

I am proud to say that I have 5 years completely clean and recently I even quit smoking. I do have a glass of wine now and then but I am not an alcoholic....(that is a topic for another day).....

I met my husband shortly after moving to Nevada. He is a wonderful man that loves me for me and is supportive. Although he does not understand all of what being Bipolar means he is trying. He is also my best friend. (if you have been paying attention you will realize that the majority of my friends are family). I have also been blessed with two awesome step sons. One whom is only 6 years younger than me and one whom is only 7. My son is nearing his 14th birthday and my son that has been adopted is just turned ten.

SO I guess that brings us up to date. Some of the things I have mentioned in the above synopsis of my life I am sure I will expand on in the future, If you have any questions please ask and as always, feedback/comments are appreciated, encouraged, and welcomed.

Thanks for Reading! I will post the recipes and cooking portion of today this evening.

Love,

KisS the Kook Cook

Just a Quickie

2010-01-06T22:08:00.001-08:00

Well, its late and I am only posting that I feel better than yesterday emotionally, had zero caffeine today and felt great. Our Kitten has been crying all night and I am worried, so that is why I am posting I am waiting for an answer at Justanswer.com. Oh ya - talked to the psychiatrist today and it is time to increase the dose so I am on 60 mg now for the next few days.

Enjoy,

Love,

KisS the Kook Cook

Adventures with Geodon Part three of tbd and the blow up

2010-01-05T22:21:00.000-08:00

Update to yesterdays adventure......

I woke up this morning feeling normal thank goodness. No mania, no anxiety, no oily skin or icky feelings. I did wake up late and had to rush, older son was late for school AGAIN...not a good thing!

I had a bowl of oatmeal at my desk when I got to work so I did not skip breakfast. Work was ok as it can be right now. I have many frustrations but will not get into them right now. Felt pretty normal for most of the day at work. I started to feel a little restless late this afternoon, not quite manic just restless. I think that could be from the pepsi I had with lunch. I am going to cut out all caffeine until I can determine if it is the Geodon or if it is the combo of caffeine and Geodon.

I stopped at Walmart on my way home to fill the prescription as I am down to 3 days of the samples. OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG! I have insurance and the insurance covered 2/3 of the cost and my cost was STILL OVER $100.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is going to put a dent into the already strained budget!

I wish I could say that I was 100% calm today but I can't. My older son and I got into an argument and I went off the deep end, overreacted and was screaming at the top of my lungs. NOT A GOOD THING!

Things are extremely tense between us already as I am not coping with the upcoming move back to his father's very well if at all. The fighting and the screaming and the yelling are only compounding the situation and making us both miserable. I hate the feeling of being out of control and not able to stop what is coming out of my mouth or the volume of how it is coming out. I also hate the fact that it just makes things worse. I can't take back the damage it does or the guilt I feel afterwards. That is one of the major reasons I am trying desperately to get help, both with medication and therapy.

This sucks! I love my son with all of my heart and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. I really wish I could be detached from all of the emotion that is coming along with this move. It is bringing up issues and heartache that have nothing to do with my son and I am having difficulty separating the feelings. I know that this is not intended to hurt me personally but it does. My heart is breaking and I am ANGRY that I have no control over this, that I can not change his mind, that the reason he wants to move has nothing to with me but with his father and yet I am the one being "punished". I know he is not trying to "punish" me and that this is hard for him too. I need to be there for him and I am having a very hard time doing that. In the moment it is hard to see past my own pain and grief, yet somehow I need to find a way to do just that and do it fast. I am the one that needs to be the grown up now. I feel like I am failing.

ok - it's late, I am obviously tired and do not want to depress any of my readers. so for tonight this is it. Thanks for listening ergghh I mean Thanks for Reading!

Good Night and Enjoy,

Love,

KisS the Kook Cook

Adventures with Geodon Part two of who knows how many

2010-01-04T21:00:00.001-08:00

Good Evening to all the bloggers and blog readers out there. What can I say, it was a very interesting day. First of all let me clarify, I am still on the small dose of 40 mg of Geodon once daily. And I thought the side effects were small so far, but as my son says "and then I woke up".

To be completely honest though, I may have contributed to the experiences I had today by doing something that I normally do any other day, I drank a Redbull! I also skipped breakfast.

I was fine when I woke up this morning except that I woke up late, had to rush and my older son was late for school. I grabbed my Redbull same as I usually do and headed out the door. I drank the red bull on my way to work intending to get a bagel or a yogurt when I got to the office.(that did not happen due to the volume of stuff I had to do once getting to my office-some of which my assistant should have done but that is another story).

For the first hour at work I was also ok. Then all of a sudden MANIA kicked in and not only was I feeling manic but i was having hot flashes and sweating in my climate controlled 72 degree office. My skin started to feel oily, and I started to have some minor anxiety. Now - the only thing that I had done differently than I did this weekend was drink the Redbull and not eat breakfast. I am truly hoping that this action was the trigger and not the Geodon itself.

The mania actually helped me at work as I was able to focus completely and totally on what I was doing and systematically finish several projects. Today was not a great multi tasking day though and luckily my projects did not require multi tasking as they normally do. I also tried to avoid any unnecessary interactions with people as much as possible as I had the strong desire to talk and talk and talk.

Unfortunately, the mania and icky feelings of anxiety and slight paranoia did not wane or fade as the day progressed although I did feel slightly better after I ate something at lunch. The drive home sucked because I was shaky and nervous. Once I got home, my husband helped to put the mania to good use as we focused on packing up the Christmas decorations. All we have left is the Tree and outside lights. I had intended to make tacos tonight but could not pull the focus together to do so and was so intent on getting the Christmas packed away that it was after 8:00 before I was ready to start. I had a bowl of oatmeal and toast and my husband and son had pizza.

I am finally starting to calm down and it is almost time for bed. I did take my dose of Geodon and I keep telling myself that this will pass and it is not permanent.

I am also trying to consciously search for the positives each day and focus on the lessons that I have learned whether they are large or small.

Todays Positives Are:

This Mania was a happy mania and not an angry rage filled mania.
I got to spend time with my husband (not a normal thing during the week)
Emotionally even though I am manic, I handled the ups and downs of today without overreaction.

Todays Lessons Are:

DON'T SKIP BREAKFAST!
REDBULL AND GEODON DO NOT MIX!

Tomorrow I will make sure I eat breakfast and will skip the redbull. I also will pass on replacing the redbull with coffee until I see how I feel tomorrow. If I feel ok tomorrow then I will try Coffee on Wednesday.

I will keep everyone updated with another installment tomorrow. And as always, feedback and comments are appreciated and welcomed. I can't promise to agree with you but I will keep an open mind.

Love,

KisS the Kook Cook

Tuna Casserole for One

2010-01-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

Ok - So I said I would post the recipe for my casserole. Well as it turned out, I ended up making up a recipe on the fly.. By the time I took my step son home and got back my older son had already fixed himself the leftover pasta and my husband was still at work. I still wanted casserole however and thought that this would be a good night to make Tuna casserole for myself (Neither my husband or my older son eats Tuna). I also wanted to try these whole wheat, yolk free egg noodles I had bought. The casserole is in the oven now so this is a perfect time for me to post the recipe.

The Pasta

Half a package of Egg noodles or any pasta of your choice cooked according to package directions, rinsed and set aside. (As I said, I used Whole Wheat Yolk Free Extra Wide Egg Noodles ***please note - I had to almost double the amount of salt I usually use in the water for this pasta to get rid of the off taste).

The Roux

4 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons flour
2 cups Heavy Cream or Milk ( I prefer the heavy cream for its richness in flavor)
3/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese
Approximately 1 teaspoon granulated Garlic (ok - I eyeballed this so add more or less to taste)
Salt and pepper to taste
A quick sprinkle of paprika

Melt the butter in a sauce pan until it starts to get "frothy" turn the heat to low, add the flour and stir or whisk quickly until there is no lumps and the mixture starts to bubble.
Add the cream/milk, turn heat to medium. Stir constantly until the sauce begins to bubble.
Add the granulated garlic, salt and pepper, and paprika. Then add the cheese and stir until melted and smooth.

The Casserole

Noodles from above
Roux from above
1 12 oz package frozen corn
1 12 oz package frozen peas (I also think a package of peas and carrots would be good in this recipe as a sub for the peas and corn)
1 can tuna fish (7 oz). You could also use Salmon.
Toasted Crumb topping (how to is below)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Add the Noodles, Roux, Tuna, Corn and Peas to a large bowl and mix well.
Put into a 8"x8" Glass baking dish and top with toasted Crumbs.
In this recipe I used crushed club crackers since I was out of my normal panko crumbs.

The Crumbs

Melt about a tablespoon of butter in a skillet and add the crumbs tossing to coat evenly. As soon as the crumbs start to brown add to the top of the casserole.

Sprinkle the top of the casserole with a few turns of fresh cracked pepper and sea salt and sprinkle cheese on top as well if desired. Bake in oven about 45 minutes or until casserole is bubbly and top is brown.

Oh - I hear the timer now.........Yep 45 minutes is perfect!

Yummm......This turned out so good! The best part is that I have dinner for tonight, lunch for the next TWO days and dinner for tomorrow! This would also be one meal with zero leftovers if My husband and the boys would eat Tuna!

If you try it, please let me know what you think and what your feedback/suggestions/likes or dislikes are!

ENJOY!

Love,

KisS the Kook Cook

Adventures with Geodon

2010-01-03T12:27:00.000-08:00

Ok - I am on day 3 of the new med Geodon. I am on a small dose and so far the side effects are not bad. It does seem to wire me up just a little bit a couple of hours after I take it so I have not been getting to bed as early as I should and it is hard for me to get up in the morning. (I slept till 11:00 AM today! that won't work for getting up for work!)
However I SLEPT GREAT!!!!!! The best sleep I have gotten in quite awhile and I wake up feeling rested. The best part is unlike the other medications we have tried so far (Depakote, Lexipro, Wellbutrin) I do not feel Stupid or Slow. I still feel like me only calmer, and not numb or have the "I just don't care Feeling". Hopefully as we increase my dosage the side effects will remain small. I really need something that will work for me.

I even had something very upsetting happen this morning and instead of going off the deep end screaming and yelling and over reacting I was able to keep my emotions in check and stay in control. I still got angry and upset and frustrated, but I calmed down quickly. THAT IS PROGRESS!!!!!

On a separate note - Yesterday's Turkey Soup turned out AWESOME!!! I am about to give the boys a bowl for lunch and then start separating it into meal size batches for freezing. We should get 4 or 5 good meals out of this particular batch. After I freeze the soup, I need to start working on tonight's dinner. It will be a casserole of some type. If it turns out well I will post the recipe so stay tuned!

Love,

KisS the KooK CooK

The First Recipe - NEW YEARS TURKEY SOUP

2010-01-02T17:04:00.000-08:00

Ok - So here is part two of my first posts (so technically this is the second post I guess). Since part of what is therapeutic for me is cooking I am going to be sharing some of my favorite recipes. The first being what is traditionally the first big thing I make each year - HOMEMADE TURKEY SOUP. My recipe is world famous - well world famous to my kids and husband anyway. It is the first thing I make in the new year because typically we have a turkey dinner for Christmas/Christmas Eve and then I put the carcass out in my outside fridge which freezes it and I make Turkey Soup on New Years Day. I am one day lat this year :)

The first part of making Turkey Soup is the stock. You will need a really big pot for this recipe. I use a 15 quart Stock pot.

You will also need to bare in my mind that I "eyeball" a lot of my cooking. I am trying to get better about writing down my measurements so I can always replicate it. I think this blog is going to help with that.

One meaty Turkey Frame ( we use the frame and the drum sticks if they are left over form turkey dinner)
3-4 onions peeled and quartered ( I use yellow sweet onions)
4-5 celery stocks (leaves are optional)
4 Green onions chopped (including the green part)
4-5 carrots (peeled) or 4 cups baby carrots.
3 cloves garlic minced
3 cloves garlic whole.
5 chicken bouillon cubes
1 Large Green Bell Pepper -seeded and rough chopped
1 tablespoon (aprox) whole pepper corns
1 sprinkle of course sea salt
a handful of fresh chopped parsley
a couple sprigs each of fresh thyme, rosemary, sage and basil
Approximately 1 cup of chardonnay wine (ok this I am really not sure on the measurement. I typically hold the bottle of wine and pour following the circle of the pot 3-4 times quickly I think based onwhat is left in the bottle it is about 1 cup)

Ok put all of that into the pot. If your turkey frame is really big, cut or break it in half.

add 12-16 cups of water (this depends on how much your pot will hold - fill until it is about 2 inches from the top of the pot)

Turn the heat up high and bring to a boil. Boil for about 15 minutes then cover, reduce heat and simmer for 1 1/2 to 2 hours.

Now, take the frame out of the pot (usually it is in several pieces). I use tongs to do this and put the frame and as much as the meat as I can onto a baking dish, when the meat is cool enough to handle, separate it form the bones. (discard the bones).

While waiting for the meat to cool put a layer of cheese cloth in a colander that is sitting inside a bowl bid enough to hold all the liquid or another stock pot. Slowly strain the liquid through the colander, removing more meat as you do so. Through away all the solid veggies.

Next, skim the fat. I do this one of two ways. If I making the stock the night before, I put the strained stock in the fridge and in the morning remove the solidified fat. If not then I skim it using a large metal spoon. My mother in law has one of those really cool fat separator pitchers which works really well. I need to buy one for myself.

Ok, add the now fat free stock back to the pot. It is time to make the soup.

TURKEY SOUP

All the stock from above,

1 small onion - diced (about 1 cup)
1 12 oz bag frozen corn
1 12 oz bag frozen cut green beans
1 12 oz bag frozen peas
3 cups chopped carrots ( I like to use baby carrots for this part)
3 cups chopped celery
3 cloves of minced garlic ( I really like garlic - taste the stock if you don't want to add more garlic then don't)
1 1/2 tablespoons oregano ( I put it in the palm of my hand and guess)
2 whole bay leaves
Noodles of your choice (we use either egg noodles or cellentani pasta) Cook the noodles according to the package directions, drain and set aside, I add a few bouillon cubes to the water to help season the noodles.

Add everything EXCEPT noodles to stock, return to boiling, reduce heat, cover and simmer for about 20 minutes. Add Turkey and heat through.

Put desired amount of noodles in a bowl and ladel Turkey Soup over the top, stir, add salt and pepper to taste and ENJOY!!

We make the noodles separate because they tend to absorb all of the broth. I usually use any left over noodles for making casserole in following day or two. This makes alot of soup and it freezes really well without the noodles.

If you try this recipe, please give me your feedback and let me know what you think!

Love,

KisS the Cook

New Year, New Idea's, New Blog.

2010-01-02T12:41:00.000-08:00

Well this is a new idea for me. I read blogs but have not really ever posted to one (other than for a short while on MySpace). I was watching Julia & Julie and became inspired to do two things, 1) Make Turkey soup today and 2) start a blog.

Of course the movie is not the only reason I wanted to start blogging. I have been thinking about it for awhile now. I am bipolar. I have for the past 6 years been able to manage my illness without medication until 6 months ago when my moods started deteriorating. At Thanksgiving I agreed that it was time for me to seek medical help again. This is devastating to me. However, I am committed to getting well and having a more peaceful family life at home. I do not want my children to be traumatized or my husband hurt by my behaviors.

I need to keep a journal to document my feelings and emotions and my ups and downs, however a journal does not give you feed back. A blog may be able to provide that. Mostly I am hoping to hear form other people like me and learn what helps them whether it be meds or activities or alternative therapies.

The three things that have helped me keep my sanity over the past few months are the love of Family, reading and COOKING!!!

For whatever reason when I cook, I become happy and calm. It is extremely therapeutic for me. So this blog will be about my adventures through life and the recipes that help me through it. I am going to make a commitment to post at least once a week, maybe more but no less. Please leave comments if you want.

Even if no one reads it. I already feel better.

Love,

KisS the Cook Krisha!