My blah blah blah blog

Finally...Getting It Right

2012-10-12T11:10:00.002-05:00

When I'm doing my own homework assignment of getting it right with myself, I'm not looking to others to do my homework for me. I'm the only student who has sat in the front row through all the classes of my own life. When I'm open to seeing clearly what those lessons have taught me, I'm best able to do my homework and get it right for myself. In an effort to get it right with myself, just like any good student, I recognize when I'm stuck and needing some assistance from others who have experience doing similar homework assignments in their own recovery and path of discipleship.

Getting it right with myself means giving me what I need; truth and grace.

When I'm not doing my own homework of getting it right with myself, I too easily default into interacting with others all day long by sub-consciously relying on others to do my homework for me rather than getting myself tutors who will assist me in how to do it well for myself. I often need help from others who are further along on this road and have done more of these homework assignments themselves, but I've got to be the one doing the work myself. When either the cards I've been dealt, or the cards I've played on the table don't create favorable conditions for my heart or mind to thrive in, I tend to get hurt, be resentful of others, or submit to self-abasing thoughts much easier when I haven't been faithful in this.

I'm recently learning, by doing relationships, at a whole different level. It's at a high level of authenticity, and I'm finally learning the key to doing these kinds of relationships without backing out at the first sign of hurt or offense is to be doing my own homework on a regular basis which includes getting the assistance I need as needed. Procrastination in this area has cost me dearly. When I get it right with myself, I'm feeding my mind and my heart the vital nutrients it needs in order to thrive. When I'm thriving chances are that others will greatly benefit from me being better equipped, so I'll be of better service to others, so it's anything but selfish.

The two vital nutrients my mind and heart need on a regular basis: grace and truth.

My mind primarily needs truth, for when it's operating out of fallacies, it doesn't take too long for my heart to discern that somethings off in my mind and sends it off racing to make sense out of what it has to work with. When my mind is truth deficient, conflict to varying degrees ensues. Inwardly at first, then outwardly if I'm unresponsive for any length of time to this discrepancy.

My heart primarily needs grace, for when it receives truth in the absence of grace, it's only a matter of time before it starts to self-destruct.

Truth without grace can self-destruct, and often leaves a scar or two in the process.

Truth and grace are both needed, for I am a complex being with my heart and mind needing to be aligned with one another, and both getting their vital nutrients for me to thrive in response to whatever life serves up, either as a result of my choices or others. Who is my perfect example of operating out of this perfect alignment? -Jesus. I have to have my eyes fixed on that which I'm trying to emulate, because when my focus is ambiguous or vague, it leads to me being ambiguous and vague within and the fruit of that is not inner peace.

Operating from this foundation equips me to engage authentically with others at a whole different level of appearing insanely vulnerable, while I'm actually quite secured from doing my homework on a regular basis behind the scenes. On stage, to those who primarily watch but don't engage, I may appear like I'm being insanely vulnerable (that is where I've come from, being one of those critical spectators of the bold and crazy people). But in reality I'm much more vulnerable when I'm hiding my authentic-self out of fear and shame (consciously or sub-consciously) of how I'm perceiving myself being perceived by others who aren't invited insiders of my life. It's a premeditated and calculated vulnerability.

I'm able to be authentic because I'm not as vulnerable to others and what they may say or not say, do or not do -when I'm doing my homework and am getting it right with myself, behind the scenes, with the assistance of others as needed, on an ongoing basis.

I'm arming my mind and my heart with grace and truth. Others are needed to support me in this effort, by backing up the truth. And when my own wounds play into me misinterpreting what others say and do, I can work it out with my community of carefully selected people on my team who are on their own similar but unique paths themselves.

These members are an indispensable part of me learning to get it right with myself (recovery) and path to freedom, and they each represent different essential parts of the body of Christ.

Spiritual Bypass - Shame Fuels The Flame

2012-10-10T14:29:00.004-05:00

"Spiritual bypass" -- the use of spirituality to avoid or create a diversion from dealing with and confronting painful issues at the cognitive, emotional, physical and interpersonal levels.

"Involvement in spiritual teachings and practices can become a way to rationalize and reinforce old defenses. . . . Many of the "perils of the path" . . . result from trying to use spirituality to shore up developmental deficiencies.
—John Welwood (2000, p. 12) Awakening the heart: East-west approaches to psychotherapy and the healing relationship.

Well put. Sometimes I wonder if the people who are most prone to spiritual bypassing are in the evangelical church. I probably wonder that because that's been my own personal experience, and its aftereffects tend to linger.

Much of my individual work in recovery - including my recovery maintenance, heavily relies on applying a spiritual program of action -the 12 steps. Though it's a spiritual program of action, the applications have covered far more than just thinking along spiritual lines, and the manifestation isn't exclusively at spiritual levels, it encompasses the cognitive, emotional, physical and interpersonal arenas. For what good is a spiritual program of action if it doesn't have the capacity to make a profound impact at all levels?

I have not always interacted with life applying the tools from this program though. I'm still a babe in recovery and in working the steps. I was rather resistant in the beginning when I was initially introduced to the 12 steps and attended my first 12-step meeting. Why? Because I was an expert in spiritual bypassing, with my Pharisaical Evangelical Christian background, only recently having it challenged, by other Christians.

Whenever I sinned or behaved in a way in which I knew was nothing like Jesus, I would berate myself with Bible verses and shame (often while praying) for behaving or thinking the way I did. If I even felt slightly hurt or offended by a circumstance or another person's actions or words, I would engage in this "spiritual" practice of shaming "truth" into my psyche. I was addicted to using shame to medicate my aching heart, by anesthetizing its cries to be heard and to receive healing, from living most of my life with many basic emotional needs gone unmet or under-acknowledged.

The payoff? -Feeling spiritually elite and self-righteous as a result of this practice, and most of all not facing or feeling the uncomfortable pain, which robbed me of the opportunity of discharging it through the painful process of honest grieving through acknowledging it, instead of shaming it.

In recovery, I am learning to accept those aches and pains by acknowledging them and meeting them with compassion instead of judgment and self-criticism (usually using Bible verses), and with growing confidence from believing that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity, because I've turned my life and my will over to the care of God, as I understood Him.

I have spent the majority of my Christian life shaming myself for the way I've thought or felt, and tried to diligently pray and shame them away using Scripture -an extremely misguided use of both, but that is what I had in my own personal tool box of coping skills -spiritually and emotionally abusing myself, taking "truths" out of the context of grace, and in the stinging context of shame. I didn't realize just how dangerous this was, because it felt so damn normal, and even spiritual.

I believe this is what hardened hearts are primarily made of, at least from my own experience. Layers and layers of shame, gone unchallenged and un-resisted, because it's too painful to go there. Instead, the needs for healing in the cognitive, emotional, and interpersonal levels were resisted, while my unmet needs in those areas went challenged by operating out of a belief system that resisted accepting those as legit needs, as God-given needs.

Shame is what fuels the hardening of hearts, with the lie that it's protecting the heart. It is the gasoline that kept my engine running a hundred miles an hour while on the spiritual bypass. In contrast, it is in the context of empathy and compassion, led by grace and truth - which is the healing ointment for my soul's aches and pains.

I am now learning that the missing link in me receiving this was in the application of giving and receiving this from myself, which was always available from an unlimited source: God. I'm the primary one that's blocked its reception from Jesus, out of shame in holding false beliefs for years and years ~~even~~ especially as a Christian.

In recovery, with Jesus Christ as my Higher Power, I'm learning to get it right with myself, for then I'm much better equipped for dealing with humanity and its vast limitations, in real-time. It helps in preventing me from being as devastated and resentful as I historically have been when others didn't get it right with me, and vice versa.

By cutting out shame from my spiritual diet, I have a far better chance at ~~tolerating~~ loving humanity, including my own, one day at a time.

This Is Me, Like It Or Leave It - really?

2012-09-09T15:43:00.001-05:00

My sentiments expressed here are representative of my current reflections, while processing current thoughts I have and sorting through them. I reserve the right to share my truth of where I'm at, and change it the next day. I'm on a moving journey through life.. This is a freeze-frame using words indicating where I'm at during the time of writing this post.

"This is me, like it or leave it."
I've heard this said before. I've heard myself say it or think it before. Really though? I would like to challenge this core value that is spoken or held, but often produces more resentment than intimacy in the lives of those who choose to operate from this place. Is it really about who you are? Or is it more accurate and truthful to say this is how you are, like it or leave it? Or even closer to the truth in saying; "This is how I will treat you, like it or leave it."

There is a subtle but very significant distinction between these statements when you get to the heart behind this. Saying, "This is me, like it or leave it", is appropriate within the context of factors that are unchangeable. For instance; my age, race, gender, past, and family of origin... -these are all parts that make up who I am as a unique individual.

There are definitely more parts of us that make up who we are; our talents, interests, hobbies, the pace at which we process thoughts and feelings. This is our unique molding which the sum total of them make up our individual personalities. I cannot become a super outgoing person, who is super laid back and not particular about activities, but rather easily enjoys going anywhere. Some people could, this would fit well with their personality and there's nothing wrong with that. That's just not me though, and there's nothing wrong with that either. This is not compatible with my personality. I can still choose to do them or be cooperative if asked to do them, but preferring to do it on my own is a different story.

While some of the choices I make reflect my personality, not all of them do. Many choices reflect my character much more than my personality, and character reflects the current condition/position of my heart and the core values it holds, consciously or sub-consciously. Each individual living on this planet has their heart on a journey. They are headed somewhere, even if they aren't aware of where they're headed, they are headed somewhere for sure. Nobody's heart remains still for long. In the course of time, my heart is either growing harder and colder, or it's growing softer and warmer - towards myself, others and God.

There is nothing indicative of an unloving or cold heart in saying, "this is me, like it or leave it" when it's said within the context of the unchangeable facets of my makeup (age, race, family of origin, etc). Even if I didn't like these parts of myself, if I'm going to befriend reality and myself, I need to accept it because I'm powerless to change it. Likewise, if others chose to be in a relationship with me, then it becomes necessary for them to accept those factors about me, because they are unmalleable.

Now - change the context of where this mindset is operating from to reflect not personality, but character. Huge difference.

"This is me, like it or leave it." When this is said (by words or by deeds) within the context of not being willing to change or work on the following:
how I respond to you,
how I speak to you,
how I express my feelings to you,
how I will handle conflicts with you,
how I will view you
and how I will treat you -
..we have a very different story. A totally different ball game all together.

The different ball game reveals a different heart, a different belief system towards the self and others. Becoming aware and honest about it is the beginning of change. Aware, not ashamed.

We are dealing with a heart that is leaning in the direction of becoming less warm and less soft, but rather more cold and more hardened.

Many of us, myself included, have areas in our hearts where we tend to be softer and tend to be more hardened or resistant. Often the areas where I'm more resistant are areas securely hidden in my blindspots. I cannot see them without the help of another. On my own and aside from others, I will clearly see these resistant areas in my heart 0% of the time. The need for me to be vulnerable with others in my journey towards growth and healing is a non-negotiable. It is indispensable - period.

Our hearts are on a journey. The journey I've committed my heart towards is one that has its goal of reflecting more of Jesus Christ, and less of self. It's a crazy journey I've embarked on. It's a journey wrought on with much adversity and uphill battles, but it's a journey I've never been called to travel alone in. It involves great intimacy with my Creator and Savior, Jesus Christ - who never leaves me nor forsakes me. By the way, I believe it is possible to not leave someone, but forsake them. You can be physically present, but still forsaking them.

If my relationships and/or friendships with others on this journey are under-girded by the mindset of "This is me, like it or leave it." and isn't indicative of my personality or biological traits, but rather of my character, there is a problem. A big one. It cannot be overlooked or underestimated. It must be confronted and confessed:
to myself,
others in whom I trust,
and to God.

To confront and overcome this mindset, a battle ensues, a spiritual one. It is often a stronghold. Denying this supplies the enemy of my soul ammunition to cause much pain in my relationships with others and greatly hinders me from sharing in the blessings from sharing the gospel.

"Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings." -1 Corinthians 9:19-23

My mind goes searching for the loopholes and starts asking, "Does this include the people in my life who are already saved by the gospel? Does this include my family members? Where am I exempt from operating out of this mindset?" -Nowhere.

The gospel message isn't something we live for part-time. We don't put our gospel uniforms on when around certain people and punch into the gospel-clock, then take off our gospel uniforms and live differently for the remainder of the day, at least we're not called to operate like this in my understanding of the New Testament.

Operating out of the mindset Paul had, I think, would benefit the message of the gospel greatly but is often, (at least in the majority of Evangelical American Christian circles), not valued and not practiced.

What if I were to operate from this mindset of Paul's? The mindset that knows that though I'm a free woman that belongs to no other human, doesn't mean I can then operate from a position that says, "This is me, like it or leave it."

Quite the contrary - Paul says he became (willingly) a slave to everyone. Why? To win as many as possible. It's a brilliant strategic mindset, one that a soldier would operate from, not a civilian.

Paul was willing to become all things to all men, so that by all possible means, he might save some. It was for the sake of the gospel. And in doing so, his expectation for sharing in its blessings is present, and is consistent with reality.

THAT IS LIVING IN FREEDOM. When I can willingly become a slave to everyone. Not a slave in the sense of being abused as a powerless victim. But in the sense that I'm willing to offer myself up to being USED or of service to God and others, for the sake of the gospel, without feeling like I'm sacrificing something I can't live without (my pride/ego). For the sake of the gospel, (not in merely intellectually knowing the gospel), but in being SAVED by it (not just my soul from eternal separation, but my relationships from being separated or cut off from peace and intimacy) in being free to actually living free and being saved from a life filled to only please myself -which is true bondage and slavery. That is the gospel that saves. I no longer have to hang onto my life and demand that my rights are respected -for THAT is living in slavery. I don't need that to be free, I already am free. And I can only do this living in surrender to God, one day at a time, with the help of Him and others in the body of Christ.

Living in surrender to God, I'm pretty sure, doesn't look like me having a "this is me, like it or leave it" attitude because I don't need the approval of others. I AM free from needing the approval of others, so I can be a slave (be of service or of use to others) without feeling like I'm a slave to others because I know I'm really not, I'm really free.

Operating out of this mindset will greatly increase my possibility of saving some through the gospel message. I don't need to work at proving to others that I'm free, by showing that I don't care about other people's approval and telling them if they don't like me, they can just leave.

Quite the contrary-
When I'm operating out of truly being free, I can make myself like a slave - for the benefit of the gospel and others - without it hurting my ever so delicate pride and ego.

And that is a blessing.

The difference between this mindset, you could call "people-pleasing" is it's based on love and serving others to that end. The codependent people-pleasing that I wrote on in a previous post, is based on fear and is primarily self-serving out of that fear as a survival mechanism when operating out of fear. Doing regular gut-checks and motives-checks is imperative.

Beatitudes - Bon Appetit

2012-09-02T15:35:00.000-05:00

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled." -Matthew 5:6

When I hunger for food - I go searching for something to eat. When I'm thirsty, I'll get water and drink until I'm no longer thirsty. I'm very grateful that food and water are easily within my reach, that the threat of starvation isn't something I'm facing today - thank God.

Not all which I hunger for is filled, with such little effort on my part though. The search to fill specific hungers aside from food, require tenacity and persistence on my part. With the awareness that if I don't find what I'm searching for pain and discomfort ensues, provides a powerful driving force. This is why in recovery, it's said that pain and desperation are a gift - but it's usually viewed as such retrospectively.

I'm not referring to a hunger for food here, but rather for righteousness. Both searches involve finding something that exists outside of myself. I cannot conjure up food on my own, it exists entirely apart from my own self. Same with righteousness, it's the ability to see life with God's eyes, not my own. And this exists completely independent of myself.

As the body needs food and water to live, my spirit needs righteousness to be alive, living abundantly. I'm considering righteousness within this context:

Seeing myself and others aright as defined by God the Creator of reality, not by the patterns of the world- including but not limited to my Christian upbringing, or society's value system (religious or secular).

Is this the Greek or Hebrew definition of righteousness? Probably not. I'm not a Greek or Hebrew scholar, go ask them if that's what you want to know! Here, I'm just sharing my recent personal take-away, processing this on my blog. Take what you want, and leave the rest.

What does it look like to hunger and thirst for righteousness? I've gotten confused between hungering for the appearance of righteousness versus hungering for the fulfillment of righteousness. When I aim for appearing to be righteous by aiming for certain behaviors, what I really have is self-righteousness because that kind of righteousness is from within. Behaviors become a measurement of righteousness as defined by what I interpret as right. I don't really need God for that. There are many people in this world who lead very disciplined lives that function successfully, as is defined by this world (outward achievements) that don't ascribe to following God in the person of Jesus Christ. I can strive to behave a certain way on my own, though this will lead to self-righteousness. This keeps me from depending on God.

In order to identify what behaviors to imitate in order to appear righteous before others, I look to people to define what righteousness looks like. It's often looked like the following: knowing Bible versus, having regular church attendance, volunteering, not smoking or getting drunk, dressing modestly, not cussing, not listening to certain types of music (nothing wrong with these practices in and of themselves). If that's my understanding of righteousness then that is what I'll try to accomplish and upon completion of those, I'll feel righteous. Do these require me to depend on God? Actually to a certain extent, yes, but only as so far as I need for Him to modify my behaviors. Living this life of "righteousness" actually rewards me for being a performer or an actress, not the authentic me. Righteousness is not something that's measured by performance at the cost of authenticity. For that type of performance we have an over-abundant entertainment industry available to us. The body of Christ, as I understand it, is here to represent Christ, not the entertainment industry that's based on performing before a fickle human audience.

Performing can be done without requiring my heart and soul (foundation of my character and identity) to be transformed by and surrendered to God, but rather requires me to be good at what I'm doing for God in the sight of other people. Will trying to practice a certain set of behaviors make me feel or look more righteous? Perhaps. Not to God though. People can easily be deceived by outward appearances; not God. He is not impressed nor deceived by these "righteous" performances, while my heart and character remain unchanged.

Going back to my hunger for food image...

Let's say I'm hungry. Let's say my house is out of food. What could I do? I could do nothing and say it's not my fault and blame someone else. Doing nothing about my dilemma and blaming others will always be an option, no matter what the dilemma is. The blame could very well be deserved, but that does not solve my problem of being hungry. I need to take ACTION, or I will starve. I need to be humble enough to acknowledge my need for food, then go searching for food by taking initiative. This may include asking for help but whatever it includes, the fact remains - I will starve if I don't find food.

What about when it comes to righteousness? Seeing myself (past, present and future) aright? Seeing others aright? Do I have an appetite for this? Do I hunger for this? I may hunger for appearing to be righteous, but not necessarily for being filled by righteousness as I'm referring to here (seeing things as God sees them, in contrast to myself and others). Will I suffer if I don't search for righteousness the same way I'd continue to suffer if I was hungry and didn't go find food? Yes, but it isn't a physical manifestation of suffering (at least usually not upfront), rather a spiritual one. If I experience no pain or discomfort, then why would I get off my butt and put effort into searching for righteousness? Another note - I won't make the effort in searching for this if I do not believe it can be found. There is a critical role that faith plays in this pursuit of righteousness -that my pursuit to be filled or satisfied by it isn't in vain.

Seeing my life the way I see it with my own frame of mind has proven to be vanity. Emptiness. A chasing after the wind. I will only repeat mistakes and stumble in sin and affliction when I'm listening to the myopic narrative running through my mind. When I fool myself into thinking that just because I believe in Jesus and know some Bible and go to church regularly, that this gives me righteousness and then believe all or most of my thoughts are consistent with His, I am self-deceived. I won't go searching for what I falsely believe I already have.

This is where the appetite or hunger for righteousness comes in. No wonder why Jesus preceded this with brokenness as the path that leads to hungering and thirsting for righteousness:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled..." -Matthew 5:3-6

Pain and discomfort drive me to search for righteousness - UNTIL I FIND IT. That righteousness is something I cannot get on my own. I need God to provide that. I'm not talking about salvation here. I'm more so talking about sanctification or growth. If I continue to view life defined by my value system and judgments, I won't go searching for His righteousness. I'll be reluctant to exchange my value system (self-righteousness) for His value system (righteousness that fills).

I realize there are people, Christian or not, who do not hunger and thirst for righteousness. Some believe they have it already based on operating from their Christian upbringing. They've minimally if at all, questioned their value system because they were raised in the church. In my limited but honest observation thus far - this mindset tragically stunts growth and cripples discipleship. It's good to keep this sobering observation in mind when raising my own children, because they are being raised in the church, and it is my hope and prayer that they won't be blinded because of that, preventing them from hungering and thirsting for a righteousness that fills.

Jesus said what he said in Matthew 5:6 to his disciples not the crowds, so it was assumed the listeners were already following him...

"Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them, saying..." -Matthew 5:1-2

Aren't Jesus' disciples already walking with him? But are they hungering and thirsting for righteousness that fills? That is the difference between self-righteousness and God's righteousness. God's fills, so there is no need to depend on others' approval or fear their disapproval of me in order to be filled. I need to remind myself of that constantly, because everything else in my value system says to act like I don't care to hide the fact that I need to care because I have nothing else firmly holding me down. When I'm already filled by God's righteousness, I can see me more clearly, and that fills so I'm not needing or sub-consciously trying to find fulfillment in someone or something else.

I want to be filled by His righteousness. I don't like feeling hungry, so it drives me to finding what will fill that need. And just like I need to eat several meals each day, I need to be filled on a regular basis by His righteousness. I don't eat just one meal until I'm satisfied, to never have to eat again. The difference is that when I am filled with His righteousness, I don't depend on something else to fill me on the side.

When it comes to righteousness, it requires me to go searching for it, it doesn't find me on its own, just as food and drink don't magically appear before me when I have an appetite for it. I need to seek it out. And many times, that search demands that I go out of my way in search of that. I may need to rearrange all that I thought was true, normal, ordinary and valuable in order to be filled with that righteousness. And that is a blessed thing.

My search will not be in vain, even though it requires effort...it will not be in vain. Seeing life in the bigger picture, and in the details as defined by God and operating out of His values is worth the hunger, the thirst and the search. I will be blessed in this search. I already have been. From feeding on the truth and grace that comes from Jesus, my hunger will be filled and I will feast upon that righteousness, I will enjoy its fruits, and may I regularly return to Him for my next meal, one day at a time.

Bon Appetit...

The Pleaser Games

2012-08-26T17:29:00.000-05:00

Without being aware of it, I have at times taken it upon myself to manage the moods of other people that seem rather difficult to please. I've felt it was a worthy accomplishment to earn the approval of people who seem challenging to win approval from. It doesn't count if nice and sweet people approve of me, for their approval is easy to get. I couldn't accept their approval without doubt and skepticism. I've thought: 'how can they so easily like or approve of me without having to work my tail off to earn it?' I'd then proceed to discredit their approval, going for the affirmation from rather un-affirming types of people. Receiving their approval felt good, because it came after hard work. It had to be earned, and also had a high price tag. Those willing to work so hard for this approval, to the point of compromising their own sense of identify, dignity and sanity, were the most desperate for it..and sadly, has historically, at times been me.

The problem with this modus operandi? -It often sets me up to work hard for diminishing returns.

I have a special gift for picking out the most critical, ungracious, shame-based judges in a crowd (birds of a feather flock together). With tunnel vision I'd go about the task of winning their heard-earned approval. It was too uncomfortable to sit in my anxiety from the assumption that they didn't approve of me, and that I must receive their approval as a prerequisite for me to be OK with being me.

People-pleasing. One of my personal downfalls which has proven to be alive and well in codependent family systems. These family systems can often appear to have peaceful, civilized and successful families. Yet, aside from pretense (pretending), there is a very different picture that emerges.. -A very dysfunctional and broken family that has little, if any tools to operate in truth and grace with one another, particularly in the presence of conflict.

I want out of this former way of life. It's failed me. Miserably.

In order to follow through with leaving this way of living and relating behind, I must first be ready to accept some temporary discomfort and anxiety. I must be OK with the disapproval, even if it's only perceived, from these hard-to-please types of people. I cannot allow them to occupy my Godspot any longer. I cannot fear their wrath or judgment (silent, vocal, or imagined). I must be OK from within, and not have that sense of being OK dependent on others. ESPECIALLY on those who are more critical and shaming than not, and those whose default is to withhold validation and affirmation, which in my personal experience includes ~~several~~ most people - regular church attenders or not. Historically, I myself would fit that description and would see no problem with that. In fact, I'd carry a sense of pride for making it into that category of people (self-awareness has been a true gift, but has come slowly for me).

That is changing. Praise God Almighty--that is changing.

In my beginning stages of exiting this former way of doing life, passed down through generations...-I've noticed a few things:

When I drop the responsibility of managing other people's moods and perceptions of me by surrendering my people-pleasing agenda, I get 'looks' I immediately interpret as disapproval (whether imagined or not). I have to be OK within, in order to sit temporarily in that discomfort and not default to people-pleasing as an escape and short-cut to very short-lived peace. The discomfort will pass.
I'm arming myself with new information on other people's character, coming straight from the source (their own behavior). I'm then able to choose my expectations with them based on their behavior, and not just my wishful thinking. The behavior of others carries weight when determining my expectations.
History is always in the making. Tomorrow's history includes today's events. I'm always participating in writing my history as long as I've been given the gift of this present moment. Currently becomes my currency.
Choices made today allow me to create a new history for my tomorrow. My yesterday's errors don't define me and don't have to be on repeat either. I can make different choices today.
In opting out of the people-pleasing game, I'm able to connect with people who love and accept me, the real imperfect me. I'm now in a much better position to connect with others who don't have a propensity to be hyper-critical. On the contrary...they are gracious, loving and accepting, and it shows. They are either settled or in the process of becoming settled in Who defines them (Who meaning God). They love without me having to earn it (grace). I in turn will build relationships with people who reflect more of God and mirror Jesus, in stark contrast with the way the world does love and acceptance (conditional & fickle). This new way is contagious, it's what I believe humans were created for. Being drawn to others like this, will in turn draw others who are open to this new way of life to me. Birds of a feather, flock together.
I become much less in-secure and much less dependent on trying to accurately read in between the lines, or interpret what the gestures or words of others really mean. I'm much less preoccupied with how I assume others view me, because it's irrelevant. If it was relevant, they'd be honest and gracious in sharing that information with me. Otherwise it's none of my business. When I'm not preoccupied with trying to mind the business of other people, I have a lot more freedom to show up in living my own life.

Transformation--it's well worth the cost of admission. The cost of admission? -willingness.

Dramatic Relationships -?- Shifting Paradigms

2012-08-24T15:01:00.002-05:00

A new thought came to my mind the other day while having a great heart to heart discussion with another woman...which has prompted this external contemplating...chewing on this with the teeth on my keyboard...

Is there a component of us that is made for drama? Drama within relationships? It sure as hell feels like that with me sometimes. Sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes it's not.

But..it seems like there is this drive for drama within human relationships..conflict and wrestling through conflict with the one you're in conflict with -or is it just my Korean DNA at work? ;) The drive or motivation as I personally see it is for the desire or purpose of getting to the next level of intimacy. Sometimes the only path that seems to land at intimacy is discovered behind the door labeled conflict. If I didn't care about intimacy in a relationship, if it wasn't something I desired, the conflict would easily be avoided without much second thought. But...when I care about a relationship being on a certain level of intimacy, anticipating the need to address conflict is often the best indicator that this relationship really matters to me and I want to go deeper in it. Some of the obstacles I see on my end are often related in one way or another to fear and/or shame. And it's usually either fear and/or shame that prevents me from initiating an encounter with the other person to address a matter that will bring about conflict, that if shared and received openly and graciously on both ends, will help us cross the bridge to the next level of intimacy within the relationship.

This is a common phenomenon within opposite-sex relationships, at least in my personal observations and experiences thus far. It seems much more common to have a conversation clarifying the perimeters or expectations of a relationship with a member of the opposite sex (be it a significant-other or a spouse), than it is with someone of the same-sex. We work on our marriages, but do we work on our same-sex friendships? True, I'm not in a covenant with them, as in a marriage, but then again...didn't King David and Jonathon enter into a covenant friendship? "And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself." -1 Samuel 18:3 King David was soon to be a married man after this, with Jonathan's sister (it was a platonic covenant, not sexual). I don't know about you, but I've personally never even considered covenants within the context of my same-sex friendships, it's not ever been on my to-do list. But marriage sure was.

As a heterosexual American female, I do not find myself historically having intense conversations with my female friends about where our relationship is, where I see it going and my hopes for it, nearly as often as I have with members of the opposite sex. And, speaking of personal history here...many of my hang-ups in life have involved a disproportionate dependency on that single relationship with the member of the opposite sex. I use the word disproportionate because I've had other simultaneous relationships, yet most of them lacked drama, conflict and deeper intimacy. Those other simultaneous relationships were much more often than not, with my female friends, while the drama was strictly reserved for the opposite-sex relationships.

I wonder if the reason I was so dependent on one single relationship (with opposite sex) at a given time had anything to do with me not allowing myself to experience healthy drama/conflict within my female relationships, which short-circuited me from having a more intimate friendship? I was more willing to be vulnerable with the opposite-sex, but didn't tend to be so with my girlfriends. I hid instead. I usually avoided these conflicts, thinking of them as lame and immature (shame-based thinking). I've thought: -only schoolgirls fight with their girlfriends or feel hurt by them and go tell them about it. In womanhood, where girls are grown-ups, they just don't get offended by their girlfriends as easily. They are above and beyond that level of immaturity, right?...hahaha..

Well, perhaps if that means they honestly aren't feeling hurt or disappointed in any of their other relationships particularly with members of the opposite sex. But as for me, historically speaking, this has not been the case, as much as I wish I could deny that fact, I cannot. When I get really honest with myself, I can see that I've been somewhat shallow with my female friends, avoiding conflict/confrontations which demands vulnerability, and have carefully placed all those eggs in the basket of opposite-sex relationships, which have caused me to have a disproportional dependency on opposite-sex relationships in meeting my needs and carrying me through life, even as a Christian.

A perfect recipe for resentment.

I'm now entering a brand new chapter in life.

Those schoolgirl relationships were like that because schoolgirls primarily had each other on their radar. It was before the days when boys came onto the forefront of their radar screens. Drama, joy and intimacy was experienced and expected within those friendships with other girls, not boys.

Well, I am now a woman. A grown-up, not a schoolgirl anymore but I find myself longing for those schoolgirl type friendships with other women. Not the silly conflicts necessarily, but sure...if that is what's part of the package for having close relationships with other women and balancing me out more in my relationship with my husband..then fine. So be it. But it's for the purpose of having an intimate relationship, not only reserved for one person of the opposite sex.

No wonder why so many women (and men) in our culture have such a longing for an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Could it be because that is the only context our culture doesn't get all weird about when there is conflict and drama involved? Opposite-sex relationship drama/conflict and intimacy sells. It's glamorized, critiqued and coveted starting at a young age. And what about same-sex, platonic, dramatic and intimate friendships? They are mostly brushed to the side. Most of us don't know how to do those. They are uncomfortable and cause many to feel awkward and uncomfortable. But we are all OK with the broken marriages and/or dysfunctional relationships between members of the opposite sex. Maybe OK isn't the right word, but we don't find it odd or weird. Nobody (at least that I know of) finds it odd when someone is in tears following a quarrel or conflict with a member of the opposite sex.

A bad fight with a member of the opposite sex that leads to tears? -NORMAL.
A bad fight with a female friend that leads to tears? -WEIRD.

Is there anything WRONG with our views of normal here?? Dysfunctional marriages are much more "normal" than healthy and intimate platonic friendships with members of the same sex. And what lies at the core of my obstacles for experiencing those types of relationships?

-Fear and Shame.

When Fear and Shame partner up, they create the perfect incubators for sin (that which separates me from God and His peace), because they function as perfect pockets for isolation from healthy and intimate friendships with members of the same-sex. And from there..we get tons of perfectly normal, dysfunctional, broken, opposite-sex relationships and marriages...yay for our normal.

Is it just me, or does anyone else see something incredibly disturbing about this?
Even more disturbing is that not many find it disturbing at all, but rather accept it as normal...

The Face of Humility

2012-07-05T14:14:00.003-05:00

I have an apparent desire to be in close fellowship with other women who are messed up, but got something going for them that many don't have -humility. I'm gonna try and coin humility here: being keenly aware of the fact that you're broken and messed up and making that problem yours to find solutions to, while admitting that you need the help of others in order to find this, which will carry you to increasing degrees of glory to glory.

At this very moment, I am keenly aware of the fact that I've got issues. I just got back from a psychological testing intake appointment, -really? Yes, really. I've got issues. And I want to walk with other women who know they've got issues too. Normal women are boring to me. Why? Because they are coated in intoxicating denial and/or exclusive blaming. I sometimes portray the boring woman when I step into that mindset, which tends to be my default.

When I come to grips with deeply sensing reality itself, I've then got something to work with. -Reality. Fact is, Christian or not, I live in a broken world. I live in a broken state. My relationships, my gifts and abilities are not being actualized to their full-potential to serve others and grow myself as a result. True, I was created for far more than what I actually experience, this side of heaven. I was created to long and yearn for something that I cannot experience 100% of the time here on earth. There is a huge. Huge, oh am I being over-repetitive here? Good...there is a HUGE chasm between what I personally experience here on earth for most of the time, in contrast to what I was created to long for...

-intimately being known and knowing others and my Creator at a profound level of acceptance and love.

Sometimes I don't think that others (Christian or not) ever come to grips with this reality, this chasm. I know it's taken me awhile and I'm just now starting to get some of it. There's this huge gap between our fallen selves living in a fallen world, and what we were lovingly created to long for. And not coming to grips with this, to me, is a facet of spiritual blindness. Wake up and smell the sin. Sin is brewing all around and within. I'm not saying this as a way to drive you away from God in shame, but as in a way to drive you to God BECAUSE of sin. Sin is evident that I have a heart beat and am trying to get my longings met without trusting in God to meet them, or demanding He meet them on my terms first. My sin or struggle with sin (whatever separates me from God-not an act in and of itself) is evidence of a desire, or of a fact that I long for something I'm not fully getting, and am trying to get with other things/people occupying my Godspot. It is evident that I was created for something else. Coming to grips with this takes humility. Learning to grieve over this huge gap between what is and what is meant to be, then surrendering that, trusting this chasm that I am keenly aware of to God, for Him to be overseer of...this is where I will be lifted up, in my surrender. In the face of my humility, I will be lifted up.

"Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourself before the Lord, and he will lift you up." -James 4:9-10

Calculated Vulnerability

2012-06-11T15:33:00.001-05:00

"Come near to God and He will come near to you."
James 4:8

Coming near to God means bringing the full measure of myself to Him. All of my parts, the good the bad and the ugly. God's response? -He comes near to me, He meets me there. He matches my vulnerability with intimacy. Intimacy; not rejection, not judgement, not shame, and not hiding himself from me.

How far of a cry my experience has been with people, i~~ncluding Christians,~~ especially Christians. I've not been exempt from doing that. When I've made myself vulnerable to another by showing all parts of me...especially showing my neediness, my experience starting from childhood, is that people tend to close up and act kinda funny. I run into a wall when I express needs, especially of an emotional nature.

Being needy has been taught to me to be a sign of weakness or a liability in one's psyche or personality. I've bought into that lie, way more than I wish. I've thought it was too dangerous to show my needs to others, especially "strong Christians", because it will and has scared some away. Now I can say, "Good riddance." and bid them farewell. They will not do me any favors by influencing me to be like that anymore than I already am. I'm asking God to grant me repentance from being like that and to give me courage to change what I can, with His aid. But the true fleshing it out is done precisely in fleshing it out. It's not by trying to brainwash myself in isolation and rewire my thoughts alone. It happens in relationships with others. The winning team includes God, me and others. I want to surround myself with people who will help me grow into the likeness of God, not the religious people I've grown to pitty. I'm realizing, how ungodly of a response to vulnerabilities that truly is...and it's contagious. I also realize since I'm not God with limitless resources within, I cannot meet all the needs I'm presented with, He will guide me though. But I don't need to shun anyone away because of their vulnerability factor. God will guide me in re-directing them as needed. He does that to me at times, by others. It grows my "trust muscles" in having to wait a little sometimes :)

When I'm shunned or judged after becoming vulnerable I know that God is not being reflected there. Far from it. People who cannot handle the needs of others for love and connection and intimacy on a deeper level reflect something other than God. Maybe their reflecting their fears, that's what I think I'm doing when I do that. God responds to expressed vulnerability and needs by drawing close. What a lie I've believed to think that it's the "dysfunctional" or "needy" people who are unsafe because of their needs, and to pull away from them in response, in a nice way of course. That is more of a reflection of me and my stuff, not their's. And the same goes for others who do this to me. God doesn't get intimidated by my needs or the longings to have them fulfilled. He weaved them into the human soul. Neither is He is fooled by people's lack of awareness of their needs or by their denial of them. He embraces those who accepts and not resists, their need for love and connection at a deep level. This need is a trait of humans which distinguishes us from the rest of creation, otherwise we are just very intelligent animals.

Making myself vulnerable is being willing to be hurt, criticized and even attacked by others. If I were not at risk for that, I wouldn't be vulnerable and I wouldn't be a reflection of Jesus. Love involves risk -loving others and being loved by others, puts me at risk for getting hurt. But it is a very calculated and premeditated risk. Jesus did this when He entered the human race as an infant. He came to a war-zone as a baby and entered this world which had powers and principalities in high places who hated him. He knew it would cost Him everything, including His own life - being nailed to the cross. Yet that is the very thing God used to defeat Satan and give us freedom from the enemy's charge of sin against us. God used the enemy's plan and hate tactics to work for His plan of salvation and redemption, and all the schemes of Satan backfired onto himself. God allowed Satan to play all his cards, to his own demise.

But none of this would have happened if Jesus didn't make himself vulnerable. There is strength in taking certain risks. There is wisdom in premeditated and calculated vulnerability, for the benefit of others. It'll likely come with an assault from the enemy, but the greater the assault, the greater the backlash on Satan and the greater the glory of God is revealed.

Remember, God is also a warrior, a brilliant one, not just a powerful one. And a part of His brilliant warrior heart is making Himself vulnerable.

Me First - Examination

2012-05-25T16:53:00.000-05:00

In being a Christ-follower I'm called to conduct self-examination thoroughly before I even consider conducting cross-examination. I am much better at conducting cross-examination though, because practice makes perfect :) To conduct self-examination aright, I need the help of others, trusted companions who can see my blind spots.

I tend to function like an accountant that keeps track of the balance sheets with a slight bias. I tend to keep track, in my favor. A trusted companion, a sister who will love me, comfort me, and tell me the truth in what she sees will tell me when I'm way off. When she's accepted my invitation to be in my life as an insider, she will help me see where I've misplaced blame onto others or myself. She will also help me see that my feelings, no matter how illogical they may sound to others, do have validity and an important place. She is indispensable.

Removing the logs in my eyes on my own is a scary business. If I have logs sticking out of my eyes, how the heck can I see clearly to remove them without further injuring myself? This is where the help of a loving and trustworthy friend's perspective and direction come into play. For if I'm walking around with logs in my eyes, I certainly will hurt others when trying to remove their specks while conducting cross-examination before or instead of self-examination. When it comes to examining conduct, attitudes and choices -it's me first baby. I'm to look at myself first. Ouch.

My trusted companions are an indispensable part of this path, and so am I to them. In learning to be a safe person for others to trust, and trusting others myself, I'm moving along on this path of sanctification, toward holiness, and holiness cannot be lived in loneliness. The backbone to all of this will become evident in whom or what I'm putting my faith in. If I want a solid backbone, I'm learning and re-learning that I need to put my trust, my faith in Jesus. He is my life-source, my Rock. No matter how painful it may be to remove my logs, sometimes to just grow a new one, or how patient I must learn to be when asked to help another be a part of their log removal project, I can trust Jesus with the process.

I can walk this path, seeing clearer and clearer, one day at a time. With the help of others showing up in my life, as I also chose to show up for others, including myself...I'll get this down more and more.

Seriously, taking one day at a time...

Needs or Chains?

2012-05-09T07:24:00.002-05:00

More often than I care to admit, I confuse my needs with my wants.

When my valid, God-given needs start demanding that they get met in a precise way and in a precise time frame, they aren't my needs anymore; they're my chains. They chain me to dependence on people instead of dependence on God. They chain me to resentment and to operating out of fearing how I'll feel if those I depend on don't come through for me in the way or time frame I think they should. When I demand that they do.

I'm learning to trust these needs to God, to submit my needs to Him, not people. My needs are so valid and significant that they must be surrendered to a sinless, all-loving, all-powerful Being. Thankfully one exists Who is willing and able to oversee them; His name is Jesus. He most often meets my needs through people, but I want my dependence to be on Him, not them, for that is where freedom and peace come. He will get my needs met in the right time. It may not be on my timetable, but the agenda behind His timetable for meeting my needs is love. The kind of love that results in transformation; becoming more like Him, who is full of grace and truth. After all, He is the Bread of Life, and it is He who holds that perfect and powerful love that my soul longs for. (See gospel of John)

When others do not fully meet my needs, and I start to lash out, resent, or judge them because of this; I have probably confused my needs with my wants. The need to be heard and valued is a need. The demand to be heard by a specific person, shown through specific words or actions, and in a specific time frame (that dishonor the value of the other person) is not a need, but rather a want disguised as a need. It becomes apparent when this "need" becomes a demand, which keeps me in chains. This hinders my freedom and growth, rather than engenders it.

My need for security, love, and connection etc., are each valid needs. My demand to have these needs met in a precise way or time frame isn't a need, but a want, usually driven by fear. I am learning to surrender all of my needs and wants to the One who can provide for them and can meet them in a way that will give me freedom and peace, apart from me having to demand them from others.

Doesn't this capture the essence of what the serpent capitalized on in his deceiving Eve? -To mistrust God with her needs? He used her valid needs, and deceived Eve into believing she needed to get them met on her timetable and in her own way, because God was withholding meeting them. And the rest is history.

When it comes to meeting my needs, God really does have my back. The way out of being in bondage to fear of not getting my needs met is through surrendering them to Him, one day at a time. For on the other side of surrender is freedom, especially when the One I'm surrendering to is completely trustworthy and faithful. Thankfully He is, He's Jesus.

Questions to Ponder

2012-04-22T15:58:00.001-05:00

If I, as a Christ-follower, am only able to relate to others who call themselves Christ-followers or Christians; through using Bible verses or other Christian jargon, how can I relate to the rest of the world?

If my love and words only seem to be relevant to those who call themselves Christians...there is something missing...what could it be?
- connection?
- authentic love in the presence of diversity?
- trust in the relationship over trust in having similar beliefs?

What kinds of messages does my life preach to those who do not personally identify with "Christianity"? With those I walk with or in close proximity to, whom have different philosophies on life and God, -am I relevant?

Love is always relevant.
Jesus was always relevant.

Jesus was found least relevant, but most troubling to the religious leaders/experts in the law.
He was found most relevant and safe to sinners and outcasts.

Can I relate to Jesus in whom I can relate to?
What kinds of people am I found to be the safest to?
Whom am I found to be the most offensive and troubling to?

Something to ponder over I guess...

Rhyme Time - My PoeTRY

2012-04-11T14:42:00.000-05:00

Slow and steady ~~wins~~ finishes the race,

Set your own rhythm, set your own pace.

Give to yourself, both time and grace,

Breathe, and acknowledge that He's in this place.

Enjoy your journey, trust His path,

Make time to play, and make time to laugh.

Embrace all life that's free & full

Seeing the mundane as all but dull.

Keeping a journal, and writing often

Helps to discern, and helps to soften,

A heart which is searching,

Or breaking or thanking.

Accepting the limits within all humanity,

Draws you to God, and away from insanity.

Gaining the courage to change what you can
And trusting God's work; redemption of man.

Honor His role, which cannot be taken

His grace and His love, will not be shaken.

Denial Speaks

2012-04-09T16:21:00.000-05:00

Hello, have we met?

Let me please introduce myself to you...My name is Denial.

Usually I don't do this sort of thing...make honest confessions. I am true to my name...but, then again my name is Denial, so being true to my name means I can deny its true meaning whenever convenient.

I like to pretend that I am your friend, that you need me to feel good about yourself. I love it when I'm embraced so that my Embracer feels as if they are a quasi-god, -they do not need to change because they are above reproach.

This is how I like to operate...

After any type of painful or negative experience, I, Denial, will woo, pursue and sweep people off their feet so they rarely, if ever, need to ask themselves questions, or more than that..answer these questions that could teach them self-empowering lessons. If they are self-empowered, they won't embrace me. These lessons could teach them that they willingly played a role that resulted in their painful experience, hence they could willingly play a different role and maybe be a part of the solution, rather than perpetuating the problem by clinging to me. No, I will come and save the day, I will rescue them from being victimized to that sort of thinking.

No, that is not the message I,Denial, want to give to.

This is the message I want others to believe with all their hearts and minds about me, Denial:

My address is on the Island of Paradise, on Easy Street, for when you reside with me there you'll see why I've chosen that as my homeland. You will never have to face anything unpleasant. And if you do, it's never your fault! Never! I will cater to you with illusions of selective forgetfulness and numbness. You can stare deeply into my eyes and feel as though that prickly thing called reality and self-examination dissipates when you lock your eyes with mine. You can believe whatever you fancy, and I will support you, as long as you trust me, Denial, 100% and never question me. I will be your caretaker, so that you'll never have to fall victim to taking care of yourself.

Questions, those icky things are what you'll never have to ask yourself or answer honestly...because asking questions will lead you astray from me, Denial. Searching and questioning are dangerous. Looking for answers which could lead to change within yourself is a huge no-no. The moment you'll start doing that, I'll start to depart from you. I cannot handle questions. I can only handle your complete blind trust in me, without questions. Close your eyes and turn your head away from questions. If you want to walk with me, you'll need to just trust me. When others try to dissuade you from submitting to me, Denial, it's because they do not understand, and want to buck the system of their norms. They are dangerous people who are to be avoided at all costs.

Denial is my name and denial is my game

Walk with me, and everything you hate fundamentally stays the same

But that's not my fault after all

You're the one who made the call

I am your greatest asset to remaining stuck

Cuz lack of self-awareness, makes you, the devil's sitting duck

Hate me, love me, I don't care

I got no heart, no soul to bare

Where we'll eventually end, is exactly where your troubles began

Because facing reality and change are what you won't ever need to withstand

Denial is my name and denial is my game

It gets you nowhere, but I ain't to blame

I'm staying true to my name, which results in your shame

But I sure won't admit that I, Denial, am to blame

-by kristen lopez.

Thank you for putting up with sarcasm to make a dramatic point...
Informal Disclaimer: This is NOT meant for people who blame themselves for their abuse or exploitation they received in which they were powerless to prevent or stop, like children for example. This is primarily for the adult who refuses to take ownership of their choices and instead..blames and hides behind denial.
We all fall short...own up and grow up.

T-R-U-S-T

2012-04-01T14:37:00.000-05:00

Trust...

I am not entitled to being freely trusted. Trust is something to be received with honor, I cannot take it for granted without regret. It is either gained or lost by how I choose to conduct myself in relation to others.

I'll work hard to earn trust, just like people work to earn a raise. Trust is a relational commodity, a valuable and necessary resource for a harmonious and healthy relationship to thrive.

To a certain degree, the depth or amount of trust I've been given is an indication of how much time and effort I've put into earning it, in how trustworthy I've shown up to be. When given blindly or freely, I may have the propensity to take it for granted and not esteem it as highly as it's worth.

But when all is said and done, the level of trust I'm given does not define me as a person. Though it may say something about where I'm at in my character development, it does not speak to my value or worth as a person. That has been spoken for already by the cross, just as yours has been.

I will work hard to earn trust in my relationships, I'm not entitled to it. But I will live knowing that the amount of trust I receive doesn't bind me to my worth or value.

No matter how hard I try, I make a lousy God, and only He can be consistently 100% trustworthy. This frees me from placing all of my trust in anyone or anything else. And it frees me from placing that expectation upon my own shoulders.

Trust God to be God. He's really good at it and has tons of experience with that role.

While I value being found trustworthy, it is not my worth that's defined by that. Live life free and trust that He fits the job description for God, therefore I don't need to. It's far more important that I'm found trusting in His trustworthiness, one day at a time, instead of trying to trust in my own trustworthiness.

Period.

My Kitchen Sink - My Brain

2012-03-23T09:27:00.001-05:00

This is how I ~~like~~ need my kitchen sink to look in the morning for my brain to feel sane.

Why? Because I'm anal like that. It's one of my little pet peeves. When I wake up in the morning, I can't even make coffee yet if there are any dirty dishes in my kitchen sink from the night before. If my kitchen sink doesn't look like this, then my brain hurts.

Well, this morning there were dirty dishes. My oh my. And they were left by my husband from the night before.

I just have to brag about myself here to cyberspace that I remained calm through finding several things early this morning that are on Kristen's little list of pet peeves. Okay...maybe it's not such a "little" list :)

But I refrained from the impulse to call, text or email my wonderful husband and rant to him about all these things I'm finding in the morning that are raising my blood pressure. Yes...being me is hard sometimes. I hope you're able to read this knowing my sense of humor can be sarcastic at times to make my points not so umm...pointy.

Anyways, back to my bragging...

I did some self-talk to not act out angrily towards my husband regarding the pet-peeves. And this is what I said: "it's okay Kristen, this will be dealt with, just not right now. I will address these all important things with him, just not at the moment" (This bought me time. Much needed time to calm myself down and focus on going about my other morning routines.)

I also said, "I got to go out last night. I got to hang out with a friend and enjoy time away from being home. I get to do this every week in fact. I'm pretty lucky. Lots of my friends with young children don't have this wonderful arrangement with their husbands or partners. He gave the kids a bath and got them down. Who cares if the house was a bit messier than I'd prefer and etc. He is the type of person who probably HUNG OUT with the kids and PLAYED with them last night before putting them to bed, and THAT'S why the house is not as clean and orderly as I'd prefer. Hmmmm....there's something admirable about that in fact. I can totally clean up and make the house more to my standards being GRATEFUL that the REASON I'm having to do this is because my children were being PLAYED with last night by their dad, while their mom was out enjoying her time with friends."

Wow. And I could have so so easily ruined this all by following along with my impluse to call, text or email my husband to rant and vent about my pet-peeves with the house and I would have totally missed out on all this. All this? What's "all this"?

1. satisfaction of gaining more experience of self-soothing without any harsh confrontations
2. self realization that I can turn my own feelings of anger and frustration into gratitude
3. choosing love over judgment without having said or done anything I later regretted
4. biting my tongue and walking myself through this brought focus to what I was doing...made me more present instead of being checked out by my anger

These things are HUGE for this little mama who has a hot, HOT tempter :) I practiced good relational fire prevention skills. Yay me!

These occurences are rather rare, but by God's grace...they will be piling up more and more.

~~And I'm not even going to go back and edit this one before publishing it because I'm can be carefree.~~
Babysteps, right?

Be BLESSED. Press on. Fight the good fight.

Laterz,
kristen

Rx: Love, PRN

2012-03-20T14:34:00.003-05:00

"Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?" Good question Jordin Sparks...good rhetorical question.

When I'm aware that I've fallen short, caused myself or another grief of any sort whether it could be classified as "sin" or not my tendency is to try and whip myself back into shape. I was outta line, gotta get myself back into line.

It feels righteous and dignifying. Getting pleasure out of beating myself over the head (in my head) when I've gotten myself into a pit. But it's completely unbiblical, ungodly and produces virtually nothing beneficial. Does it help when you use this method with your children? Did it with you when you were a child? So why is it so appealing? Because it comes natural and without much effort. And because I feel like I'm at least immediately "doing something about it." A little spoonful of shame and condemnation makes for a perfect recipe of Stuck-pie.

What then are my other options? What would my understanding of Scripture offer me as another pathway to change?

I believe this is what the great Physician, the great Healer Jesus would write out to me if I were to pay him a visit with this particular ailment:

Rx: Love, PRN.

My notion comes from 1 Peter 4:8
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

I've previously took this verse to mean when others have sinned against me, just turn the other cheek and pretend like nothing happened and this "love" will magically cover over my pain or offense caused from another's sins.

I now see a different perspective from reading this verse.

When I'm reminded of my humanity and my states of brokenness which cause me to do or say some stupid things that I later on regret, my default method of beating myself up about it does no good.

The remedy is love, not self-abasement.

I'm simply and frankly in need of more love, that is why I'm hurting others and/or myself. I've taken my love deficit and made it somebody else's problem. When I make it somebody else's problem, then I'm giving the solution away and out of my hands. I'm now learning to make it my problem, not another's. It's up to me to find a remedy that actually works and makes a difference, for me. My creative techniques of shaming myself don't bring about any transformation, it's a futile diversion. My invitation from Jesus is to simply get loved more by Him. He isn't a dry well. His love never runs dry. His love and basking in that is something I will never outgrow the need for, no matter how mature I become in this lifetime.

How does this happen? What does this look like?

It's all internal at first. It's all invisible. It's where transformation takes place...in what I tell myself. In what thoughts in my head I choose to make an agreement with or a disagreement with. Loving myself isn't selfish. Or maybe it is. I need to give myself permission to be selfish at times then, or I will become devilish. In loving myself, I'm internalizing the truth of God's love, I'm making it real for myself. I'm doing what an adult and grown woman can learn to do for herself, but that which a young child cannot. -Love and accept myself without depending on others to do this FOR me. It's a much easier task when that was experienced while growing up, but not impossible...not with God.

Love really is the answer. I'm becoming more and more convinced, the crap that I feel and then generously pass along to others, is because of this love deficit I feel from time to time. More often than I'd care to admit.

"Love your neighbor as yourself."
Jesus says.

If my love towards my neighbor is mirrored or reflective of my love towards myself, then my capacity to love my neighbor lays in my capacity to love myself. If I hear this command not just as a command, but as a reality of a physical law of love and how it works, then what I hear is that I can only love my neighbor as well as I can love myself. Therefore it is not selfish to love myself, for my love towards neighbor is directly linked to my love towards self.

Love is the key. Love is the answer. When I'm faced with the temptation to shame and ridicule myself out of my ruts, the first question I can ask myself to act as a buffer can be: "is this loving towards myself?" And the same goes when I'm tempted to shame and ridicule my neighbor, my spouse, my sister, my in-laws or the person in front of me who's taking forever at the Redbox machine.."is this loving towards my neighbor?" I bet I'll discover quickly that when I'm finding the answer is "no" to the second question it's because I'm acting out of a love deficit. This is a symptom of a love deficit, towards myself. Thankfully I have a Lord I can go to 24-hours a day. He'll never get sick of me coming to Him to get this filled, for He knows His love is the remedy to all my aches and pains -self inflicted and others inflicted.

So to answer the rhetorical question this started out with, I've done a little turn-a-round..
"Tell me how I'm suppose to breathe with no air?" -to- "Tell me how I'm supposed to love my neighbor with no love towards myself"? --same answer to both questions...-can't.

Primal Wound

2012-03-16T14:49:00.001-05:00

I'm reading "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Newton Verrier.

Great stuff. Insightful stuff. Lots of it. But as I read, I feel overwhelmed with being validated for my "wonderings" or suspicions. And there's a part of me that wants to put a wall up and say "enough is enough".

Here's what my wall is built of; thoughts, questions, ponderings. Not necessarily making any discernible point or answers, but this is my wall nonetheless:

We live in a broken world. A world where things that are not supposed to happen do happen. And they happen frequently and with little remedy. That's what living in this world involves to varying degrees for each individual. I was abandoned by my birth mother as a newborn in what feels like a foreign country (South Korea), and adopted in another foreign country (USA) because I have no history here, no ancestors that I can call my own. What's a "homeland" anyway? I don't know how old I was. I don't know how it was done (my relinquishment), whether I was left by my birth mother or birth father or someone else. I don't know what it's like to live a life that got off with a good start and not off on the foot of abandonment and trauma. I don't know those kinds of experiences and there's nothing I can do to change all that.

That's life, right?

I don't know what it's like to grow up being mirrored back by physical, hereditary visible markers, yet alone emotionally or physically feeling bonded to any caregiver. I don't know what it's like to be picked up by my parents who look like we belong to each other. I don't know what it's like growing up being told how my mother's labor and childbirth and pregnancy experiences were as it relates to me. I don't know what kind of baby I was. I don't know what it's like to have my mom tell me anything about the first year of my life because she doesn't know either. How would she? She didn't know me during that part of my life. I don't know what it's like to be hugged or shown physical affection by my parents and not feel a very evident awkwardness about it, even though it's a completely appropriate expression of love. It sounds wonderful though.

I don't know what it's like to know that certain medical conditions run in my family history. I don't know what it's like to grow up in a Korean home, even though I am Korean. I don't know what it's like to look at a mother, a father, an aunt, an uncle, a grand-parent and be mirrored back in any way shape or form. I don't know what it's like to feel like I belong in my family of origin. Ancestors? What are those? A family tree? I have none that I can identify with. I don't know what it's like to be able to say, "oh, my temper? My analytical side? I get that from my mom, or dad or grandma or uncle blah". I don't know what it's like to feel proud of my heritage and to participate in it with a clue. I don't know what it's like to be able to fit into any group of people without feeling like I sorely stick out in my own mind. I don't know what it's like to be able to identify with my own name. Whether it's Kristen Fabian or Kristen Lopez. I don't look like either one. What does it feel like to have a name, first or last, that resembles what you look like? It's beyond me.

But, I do know that many of the things I have never experienced, and probably never will...my daughters will and already have with the exception of anything that relates to their biological extended family on my side. And with this, I am eternally grateful and count this as a tremendous blessing.

So...there's a great deal of loss. A great deal of unknowns. But I don't know what it's like to live any other life in which I did have these things either, so it's all things I wonder about but can't say I miss it because I never had it in the first place. It's like an American who was born and raised in the USA trying to miss being a Brit...they never were! But maybe this is different, because I once did know that elusive person called a birth mother...prenatally there is a primal bond that takes place...hence...the Primal Wound title of the book I'm reading...

Anyways...

I do know what it's like growing up with a feeling that I'm in an ocean of emotions called anger and misplaced grief. Hmmm....interesting. Glad I at least had a family given these heart-wrenching emotions as a child.

Well, that's life. And by the way, only I can say that to myself about these things, or another who can personally relate because that's been a part of their own life. If this comes from others who cannot, it's called ignorance.

That's all. Thanks for reading :)
Kristen

PS.

If the solution of closing the door to international adoption (like South Korea is threatening to do) seems like a plausible solution to someone's grief..then please think again. Think hard.

BECAUSE I was adopted into a loving and stable home, I do know what it's like to come home to a mom and dad who I never feared would harm me or leave me. If I was sick, my mom was there to care for me. If I had a math problem, my dad was there to take it to. If I wanted to play, I had sisters to play with. My family life with my parents, despite the abandonment and trauma and all the loss that incurs, was a stable force. They fed me healthy meals, educated me, brought me to church, brought us on lots of family vacations, threw us birthday parties every year etc. They provided a stable home in which I was safe, so safe that I rebelled against them to test them out, and still...they never abandoned me, no matter how much I sub-consciously set them up to do so.

They were not perfect. They were not infallible. They made many mistakes, as do all parents that are of the human race. But none that were so bad that I wished I'd never been adopted by them. They have been a constant and stable force in my life, my parents. They were committed to that from the day we arrived off the airplane and have done that still. My hope is that other Korean babies are not robbed of having a family by the Korean government placing such a life-altering decision for many babies on only partial information of hearing negative experiences without hearing others' experiences which differ greatly. The saying, "Don't throw out the baby with the bath water" translates perfectly here.

peace.

Step One - Admission & Powerlessness

2012-03-09T14:54:00.002-06:00

I'm in the process of working the Twelve Steps for the first time.

Several months ago, I couldn't have pictured myself considering doing this. Now, I am in awe of it.

Some have wisely said to not get stuck on working step one. The way it's been working out in me, is that by doing a thorough and investigative step one, I am launched into being ready for a step two and three.

I have gained a lot of insights from only this first step. I'll share some of my own thoughts about working step one for myself.

Step One from Alcoholics Anonymous reads:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

While I am not an alcoholic, I clearly have my own set of personal addictions or compulsive behavioral patterns that have created painful consequences throughout my life. Though it isn't at the hands of a drinking problem, it nonetheless has caused great affliction, for myself and others.

Step one is an admission of a sickness/struggle/addiction - and the powerlessness that surrounds me being able to conquer or control it on my own. Instead, it has conquered or controlled me.

To me, I cannot or need not believe in a Higher Power to restore me to sanity (step two) if I'm believing I can manage just fine on my own. I must admit that I am really sick before I can admit that I really need a doctor.

This first step is very significant for me. If I do not get this, I cannot live a sober life. When I say sober, I mean live free from that which causes great pain, but that which I keep defaulting to despite its negative consequences. Step one paves the way for my willingness and necessity for a step two, (which is having faith/belief in a Higher Power), and then a step three (which involves me making a tremendous decision based on coming to that faith/belief).

Jesus (who I've chosen as my Higher Power) said it is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick. He came to call not the righteous, but sinners. (Mark 2:17, Luke 5:31, Matthew 9:12-13)

When I believe I am not sick (or not that sick), not in need, or pretty okay overall, then I am a self-made woman. I will continue to walk in the faith of me being my higher power. My faith will need to consist of me relying on myself, which works fine. Why not? I can manage my life and have enough power over my demons, and see that all is pretty well. I therefore will not feel the need to believe in any power greater than myself. To me, this is the essence of my insanity. And nobody can argue or coerce me into admitting it. It must be freely realized on my own.

I'm ill inclined to draw this conclusion and make this admission of my powerlessness on blind faith alone. I need evidence. Writing out my first step has provided great understanding. It gives me clear evidence that I am, indeed in need. I am powerless over my addictions/struggles or spiritual sickness that esteems self-sufficiency, and because of that, my life has become unmanageable. I've lived long enough to see a trail of evidence throughout my life which becomes quite apparent when I'm open to seeing it, despite my feeling offended by it.

I can then confidently admit, based on clear facts and evidence by doing an inventory of the effects of my addictions, whatever they may be, that I am powerless. I am in need. I am truly sick. I'd better get a Doctor.

And this paves the way for my step two...
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

My Life Will Speak For Itself, For Better Or For Worse

2012-03-05T22:40:00.000-06:00

This evening I was listening to a Christian radio station while I was preparing dinner. The radio host was talking about Whitney Houston's faith. He had mentioned that Oprah Winfrey was going to do an interview with her daughter and he wondered if the topic of Whitney Houston's faith would be discussed. The radio host went on to say that he had hoped her faith would be talked about because Whitney had publicly spoken about her faith in Jesus Christ on a number of occasions and that her last song was "Jesus Loves Me". Her belief in Jesus and her faith was something he hoped would be shared.

I noticed myself thinking these thoughts...

Why does there need to be an interview to know about Whitney Houston's faith? Wasn't it obvious where her faith was? Not in terms of merely theological beliefs or intellectual agreements regarding Jesus, but by the life she lived? By her walk, and not merely her talk...let that speak for itself.

I love Whitney Houston's music. She had an undeniable talent. This is in no way, shape or form about Whitney Houston. I had no relationship with her. I only was one of millions of fans that enjoyed listening to her music or watching her perform. That's all.

A sermon I heard from my pastor in the past came to mind on James 2:14-25. It talks about faith and deeds. Our faith is demonstrated by how we live our life. Not only in reference to doing good deeds in terms of charitable contributions. But in our actions. In our walk. In our relationships. In our pocketbooks. In our free time. In our private time. In how I use my time, day in and day out. These can speak volumes about where one places their faith -apart from merely intellectually giving accent that is incongruent with how I actually live my life.

Where or what I place my faith in at the center core of my heart...my actions will surely follow. Again, I'm not talking about theological beliefs and creeds I verbally subscribe to or click "like" on in Facebook. I'm talking about where the rubber meets the road in real life.

I then thought to myself, "where Whitney Houston's faith was placed in is really none of my business to judge." Which is what I found myself doing, judging. I was aware that she had a drug addiction. I concluded that she placed her faith in drugs at some point and believed they were the answer to something.

But wait...I am the last one to judge on this matter. Really. For I am in no superior position. None.

Based on the choices I've made...my life speaks as to where or what or in whom I place my real faith in. And I must be honest with myself and take inventory of myself, not others. What others do with that is none of my damn business, unless they've made it my business by giving me a personal invitation.

I believe in God the Father. Jesus Christ as His only begotten Son, He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. I believe that the Bible is the Word of God. That Jesus will return. That I was born into sin and Jesus' atonement on the cross is sufficient for my sins. That God is the Creator of heaven and earth. Blah. Blah. Blah. What good does this do if my actions...my deeds...my life, tell a completely different story.

James says boldly:
"What good is it my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds?" (2:14)

and..

"But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."
Show me your faith without your deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that -and shudder." (2:18-19)

Ouch man.

I need to apply that to myself. Not to you. Not to Whitney Houston. Not to my pastor, my husband, my neighbor. Nope, nope, nope. It is for me to apply to me. I need to sit with that myself. It's using Scripture as a mirror, not a deflector.

I've got a loooong ways to go. My story involves me surrendering my life to Jesus when I was 19. Yet my life's story also reveals many areas, time after time, of me handling situations and taking actions that are not indicative of my "faith in Jesus Christ", but rather my faith being placed in myself, others, relationships, money, how other's view me, so on and so forth. The deeds of my faith, before and after making a decision to surrender my life to Jesus Christ, are being rigorously and fearlessly, to the best of my ability, inventoried as I've set to work a step one in the twelve steps. Powerful stuff.

And dang...there are eleven more stinkin steps to go? What a ride...

Though my deeds are not what "saves" me. They are a representation of what I am or have placed my actual faith in. Having all the "right" theological beliefs about the world, God, the devil and humanity does me absolutely no good. They actually do me more of a disservice as I deceive myself into thinking there is security in believing the certain things...in having the "right" kind of faith or beliefs.

What good is having the "right" kind of faith if it's, well...dead?

THIS is sobering...and it all began with me judging the "faith" of another, and then pausing for a moment and reflecting on those auto-pilot thoughts. Perhaps God, in His grace, turned it around to myself. For He so passionately desires for me to have faith that is alive and vibrant. Not a theological or intellectual faith that is dead...but a real one that is alive. After all, He is the God of the living, not the dead.

For...as James put it in his no non-sense way of saying things...

"As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." (2:26)

Let my faith speak for itself through my deeds, through how I live my life, through my struggles and my joys.

For as the old saying goes...actions speak louder than words.

Worth watching..

2012-02-20T22:18:00.000-06:00

my monday afternoon rant

2012-02-20T14:11:00.000-06:00

One of them days.

Well, not one of them...this seems to be on a string of days like today. Not feelin it. Not in a very cheery mood today. Just how am I going to manage this summer with having my oldest daughter home from school all day and probably other children to watch as well? I love children, but I also find myself growling at them from time to time. I don't know how them moms or dads can take it, and do it so patiently, graciously and calmly. *sigh*--it's GOT to be an illusion that all other parents do that all the time...oh please let it be an illusion.

I can't wait to start back in school this summer. But then again, I don't want to be too loud and proud about that. I'm not feeling tons of assurance I'll make it. I guess it's fear of history repeating itself when it comes to going back to school. I love to study. I love to read. I love to discuss things with others about what I'm studying or reading. I love writing about things I'm reading and studying. But I don't do too well with always doing it according to someone else's criteria and actually finishing one book from cover to cover without starting on the next venture. I see too many "squirrels" when I'm reading...distractions..distractions..

I guess that's why I'll be majoring in Psychology. At least I'll be studying a topic that's fascinating to me. But still. I've tried going back to school, um how many times now since having children? Umm..well I guess only once. And it wasn't easy. I only took one class and then dropped out feeling defeated and embarrassed. I guess the business-field wasn't a good fit for me after all, didn't take too long to realize that one.

I don't know how people can hold down a job, have several children, run a household AND function sanely all simultaneously without everyone in the household up in arms. Or tears.

I am not one of those people who can take on a lot of things all at once. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...up to the point of signing myself up for stuff...then....the I think I can's turn into what the hell have I gotten myself into?

Well, stress in life is inevitable. I tell myself, -c'mon, roll with the punches. Sink or swim. But that's just survival. I don't wanna just survive as I live day to day. I want to thrive. I don't want to just go through the motions day in and day out. That ain't abundant life to me. I want to be present as I go through the motions, and enjoying it, knowing I'm making a real difference in this world, even as I go about the mundane daily routines.

So, how much of this falls within my say-so, and how much isn't?

As a human being, I find that I am freakishly powerful, yet I am also freakishly powerless. This seems like such an odd paradox.

I have say-so in what I agree to. I have say-so in what I disagree to, inside and outside of my head. In terms of outside of my head -my time, my words, my finances are a few. But these all begin with either agreements I make inside of my head. Well, right now I feel over my head, inside of my head. Why?

Up tight. High-strung. These are a few adjectives I've heard in reference to me...Obsessive-compulsive tendencies (though not severe enough to be diagnosed as a disorder apparently), impulsive and self-diagnosed ADHD. Well, I guess that's why I'm feeling stressed out right now. Wrap this all into a grocery trip with children playing tag around the grocery cart, a screeching toddler and all the stuff going on inside of my head...and this is what you get.

It's leaving though as I clickety-clack on my keyboard.

Pull out my hair. Vent on the computer. Breathe. Call a friend...adios stress..

Welcome back sanity. So nice of you to come in. Please, take off your coat and do stay awhile.

Later.

Madonna - Frozen [Official Video]

2012-02-06T15:05:00.000-06:00

At first I listened to this and was thinking of applying it to someone else and aiming it's lyrics and message to another. But...as I pondered to myself, I opened myself up to hearing this as a song to myself, from myself. Sound weird? That's ok. I'm ok with weird, more ok with being weird than status quo. Yes, it's a typical Madonna music video and a little creepy...but it sure gets the message across with some entertaining visual effects to accompany its message nonetheless. Perhaps consider listening to this as a song and receiving it as a loving plea from your own heart to yourself...at least consider it if you can get past some of the unconventional and unorthodox visuals...just consider it and perhaps it will speak to you, and perhaps it won't..that's ok too..

My Tuesday Morning

2012-01-31T14:05:00.003-06:00

Today I had my first appointment with a new therapist. I'm feeling very optimistic towards my work with this lady.

It started off with me getting there almost 20 minutes late. If you know me, I HATE being late. If I'm on time, I consider myself almost late. I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive when it comes to punctuality. One of my little qwirks. I got completely lost, thanks to my iPhone maps app and Mapquest. The appointment started with the therapist calling me on my cell phone wondering if I was running late because I was lost. This was right after I got off the phone leaving a not so sweet message on the voicemail with the "front desk". Well, apparently there is no front desk and there is no full time office staff. This is totally a private practice, not a clinical setting with office staff running the clinic. Opps. In my defense, I've never been a client of any provider that works out of a private practice, so I thought the front desk people were being slackers and not answering the phones, and it was costing me my appointment. Another one of my many flaws, I make assumptions based on my limited scope of experience, but in the height of my frustrations, I don't stop and think I could possibly be totally wrong.

So we started this appointment off with me being very late and a little snappy at her staff not answering my phone calls, and discovering there was no full time staff. I walked into this office building, and the therapist's door was open, and I walked right in and sat down on her couch. Weird, I thought. I didn't even need to check in. I like this though. But I felt a little stupid and embarrassed for my attitude that I started with this new adventure. Opps. Well, she was very gracious and understanding as I explained by assumptions.

We got to talking about my background. It was a basic Intake appointment, getting all my basic background information and what brought me into therapy. Well...hahaha...too many things to start with. She was asking me questions about my history. I started asking her questions about herself. I found out she is a mother of 3. Two out of her three children are adopted from India. She is a clinical social worker who has also worked in an adoption agency, so she's gotten to see two sides of this thing called adoption. She has lots of experience and interest in international adoption. Wow. I had no idea. I told her I was adopted from South Korea. She asked me what I knew of what happened in Korea before I came. She asked me what my adoptive family dynamics are like. I felt very comfortable talking with her. I think I'm really gonna like this. And this all happened about 30 minutes after me cussing up a storm in my minivan as I was totally lost but only about 1/2 a mile away and about to just "eff this whole thing", and quite. Well, I'm glad I didn't.

My new therapist is not a Christian counselor. She respects and works with people wherever they are at with regards to their faith, or lack of one. She mentioned to me towards the end of the appointment that she was glad I had this faith and that she can see it's saved me from a ton of stuff. She almost seemed surprised that I'm not a whole lot more messed up than I am, and she accredited to this faith I have. Wow. That's to God's doing only. But there is a ton of work ahead. A lot of plowing through. And the means to plowing through and moving forward in life is being able to plow through and dig up past events. I thought I've done all that, but there's more I guess.

One of the questions she asked me really stumped me. I couldn't for the life of me find an answer. She had asked who it was that I was closest to growing up and felt safe with and had a significant relationship with. It could have been a parent, a friend, a grandparent, a relative, a coach, a neighbor, a teacher or a pet dog. I kept trying to answer her question with more questions. I didn't understand what she meant. Then...it kinda hit me, something I've always kinda felt and suspected. -Nobody. The closest thing I could think of was a string of boyfriends I had going through my teenage and young adult years. So I guess I just hopped around trying to find that one significant "somebody" through boyfriends, but never really did. Then I got married, and am experiencing a familiar feeling of this detachment. I don't know about that one..or do I? Anyways, one thing she said is that we need to get Kristen strong and secure in being Kristen, while not needing to attach or find that outside of Kristen. I guess that is a completely appropriate and healthy thing for a child to do and that a child needs in order to thrive in their environment..a secure nurturing attachment, an anchor in at least one relationship. But Kristen is no longer a child. She is an adult. Hmmm....and this is without the spiritual jargon. Hmmm...

I've always considered myself a fighter. There are two ways of dealing with life's conflicts when they're dished out, either self-inflicted or not. And that's fight or flight. And I've always, with pride, considered myself to be a fighter. I fight for the things that matter to me. I fight for the relationships that I value, and I don't give up easily, I don't give up without a good fight. And I think in many respects that is true about me. Accept one thing...myself.

Have I abandoned myself and instead of fighting for myself, I've done the flight thing? Have I tried to escape my own stuff by hiding in relationships with others, namely with a guy? And when that doesn't seem to work, I just feel I need another guy? I think there might be something to this, it's been happening on a sub-conscience level, a primal survival mechanism? But in the meantime, I'm running away from myself. I'm running away from being alone, and sitting in that. Why can't I stand being alone? I mean I love my alone time. That's why I'm enjoying this very minute as I type up this blog entry...my alone time. But I don't live alone, or do I? I've often found myself in relationships with others...feeling alone. Hmmm...I don't know what the heck I'm talking about here...or do I?

Ok...blah blah blah...I'm rambling here for absolutely no focused purpose but to just rattle on...

Laterzz~~

My Intro Notes from "Loving What Is"

2012-01-28T15:54:00.002-06:00

I've only begun a book that is incredible. I hope I won't get into trouble for plagiarism. I've only read the free sample so far, so I'm quoting from things that are available to you without purchase. And if anything, this is a promo for the book -go buy it and read it for yourself!

Anyways, I'm reading "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie at the recommendation of a dear friend. A-MAZING. From only reading the intro from the sample, I've jotted down my own notes and footnotes and thoughts and this is what I've got so far. I hope you can draw something beneficial from this and apply it to wherever you find yourself in life. If not, just leave it here. You don't have to agree with my theories or opinions. I'm ok with that. Really, I am. Sometimes I find myself reading back to my previous posts I've written and seeing how I've personally grown and changed...that's ok. It's a journey. And I'm just sharing with you where I'm at now on that path, just in case and in hopes it could help out another fellow human being on the path. So, take it or leave it. You know your story more than anyone else.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Four Questions - The Work - The Inquiry based from "Loving What Is" -my notes..

Where are you lying to yourself? - welcome persistence, welcome inquiry - trust the work, this is from writing out statements about how we feel about whatever, any given subject, person or circumstance.

1.) "Is it true?" - "shoulds" are not the same as truths, they often keep us locked up from dealing with WHAT IS --> Reality. The "shoulds" are opinions/judgments that lead to expectations. They are different than truths, or WHAT IS (reality).

My footnotes (not in the book) - This is from eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It's feeding off of lies. Off of the "shoulds" based on this knowledge of good and evil, that was forbidden for us to have in the first place. But we eat from this, we feed off of the "shoulds" which are judgments. For when we eat of it, we will surely die. Not because we are being naughty and God wants to punish us for our sins. But because we were not created to NEED that knowledge in order to live. We were not created with the need to live out of our own judgments and constantly assessing things and judging things. There is a place for this now, but it's because now, since we ate from that tree and sin entered into the world, there is a basis for this. Why? Because we cannot trust with abandon, or at least this is very difficult in our fallen state. We have broken that perfect union with God, and have placed ourselves in that place, of knowing good and evil, apart from trusting God. We were never meant to live in a world where the "shoulds" are a burden because of the unatainablility or the unsustainablity of living and walking in the "shoulds"..because of sin.

2.) "Can you absolutely know that it's true?" Is it what's actually happening, or is it what you think should be happening? -there's a difference. Truth is dealing with what's actually happening, not our opinion of what's happening.

3.) "How do you react when you think that thought?" - You don't need to rehearse giving perfect sounding answers. I'm not after perfection, I'm after honesty. I always have the option open to keeping my thoughts, however beneficial or detrimental they are, I can keep them. Getting behind the thought and following through an an investigative role reveals to me whether or not I will WANT to keep that thought (I am free to choose). Remember, "What's true is always what's happening, not the story about what SHOULD be happening." It's dealing with the facts of what is happening, not the thought of what SHOULD be happening -this point is important to keep in mind.

-Added question when further investigation is warranted: "Can you see a reason to drop the thought? This thought could be a belief or an expectation. I'm not being asked to drop my story. Get clear on this..-I can keep my story. I can keep my thoughts. This is not about getting rid of thoughts or about overcoming, improving, or surrendering them. None of that. This is about realizing for yourself, internal cause and effect. The question is simply, "can you see a reason to drop this thought?" or "Can you find a stress-free reason to keep this thought?" -this statement, which you thought was truth but was actually a should, which is a judgment that's coupled with an expectation...Can you find a stress-free reason to keep this thought?

My footnote - This is the essence of eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The lie is that you think you're getting what you're after (knowledge of good and evil). But there was a reason why Adam and Eve were commanded not to eat from this tree..."for if you eat of it you will surely die." -Gen 2:17. Why would it kill them? -Because they were not created to receive it...it was in reality -poison. Poison to their souls. They did not surely die. The serpent was right in a sense, they would not surely die. But he completely missed the heart of the warning...the warning was in regards to their very hearts, or their souls, for we are far more than just physical matter. They ate, they kept living. They did not physically die. They spiritually died. The spiritual death that resulted from eating the spiritual poison was because God did not create them to be compatible with obtaining this knowledge of good and evil. So we THINK we have this knowledge and that we're better off with it. To the extent that we judge and believe our judgments without ever questioning these judgments...we live or die, we suffer or thrive. The fact that we NEED to question our own judgments proves the fact that our own judgments are indeed faulty. And the fact that one believes they never have to question their own judgments or thoughts -they are tragically deceived!

4.) "Who would you be without that thought?" or in my own words, "how would you feel without that thought (judgment/conclusion/belief)? Picture it. Envision it. Walk it out. Are you more free or are you more of a prisoner?

My footnote - The fact that we need to do this work, this inquisition of our internal cause and effect processing goes to show that there is something wrong with our thinking to such a core level that it requires so much conscious effort to do this. We are THAT screwed up. We are THAT damaged! What would happen if you drank kerosene? Is your digestive system equipped to deal with that without seriously harming itself? -Hell no! Just like the knowledge of good and evil isn't inherently bad in and of itself. It's just that as humans, who are designed and wired to be fully and beautifully dependent upon our Creator..we were not designed to NEED that knowledge or to process that knowledge if we got it. Only God is! An airplane jet engine runs smoothly with kerosene pumping through its system. But a human would not!

God works beautifully having that knowledge of good and evil. But humans do not! This is why this work of renewing our minds is necessary...because our minds have eaten that poison from eating from the knowledge of good and evil. With sin, we need to discern and judge right from wrong. But that need is precisely BECAUSE of sin. It's BECAUSE we ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the first place that we now need to be able to discern right from wrong. If there wasn't ever any eating from that tree, there would be no sin, therefore there would be no need to have to discern right from wrong! But now we have to be leery of our own press releases (beliefs/conclusions/judgments) that are announced in our brains by our brains! Because all of our thinking is screwed up from eating from that tree of the knowledge of good and evil!!

For those who are familiar with Christ-Life or The Ultimate Journey, this is a very similar line of thought, but with a "secular" twist. You don't need to have an extensive theological background to get to the bottom of your thoughts and decide if you want to keep them or not.

The most dangerous things in the world are our own uninvestigated beliefs and thoughts which form the concepts and basis of how we relate to ourselves and others. Every single terrorist or abuser never investigated their own thoughts and questioned their thoughts. Or if they did, they didn't do it with a reference point of truth or reality and accept it to the point of exchanging it. Yeah, I've been guilty of that one, as we all are. THAT can be a dangerous thing. But it doesn't have to be that way. And it starts with loving what is...what is real and what is true, not rejecting it because of the "shoulds", but loving it...that is where it all starts.

Journey on Purpose

2012-01-19T16:40:00.001-06:00

I've been told that if you yourself are unhappy and un-whole and bring this to a relationship, you will only have a unhappy and unwhole or empty relationship.

While I do believe there is a significant element of truth and insight here, I also have a few questions to challenge the cut and dry approach to this concept.

Yes, if I am going to my relationships and looking for my identity, because I do not know who I am, and so go looking outside of myself and into a relationship, this is a recipe for heartache. But at the same time, I do believe that to a certain degree, we will only see in part of who really are this side of heaven. Different degrees of glory. We are human. We are fallen. We are in a fallen state of reality at this present time. To fully know who you are is a lifelong journey, an adventure that we choose to embark on during this life on earth. We grow into knowing more of who we are as we seek that out. But to think that there is a certain level where I can arrive at in my knowing of myself and being whole and happy with that, and believing this is a guaranteed pre-requisite for a happy and fulfilling relationship (ie. marriage), I'm not sure I totally understand like I thought I once did.

I think the same could be said for this being the reason why people stay in certain relationships, and these relationships turn into ambivalent relationships. Because I do not know who I am to a satisfying degree, and because I'm not okay with sitting in that and responding in that (my searching and growing), so I hide in my ambivalent relationship, even though it's empty. This could be said for why people remain in cold, distant and disconnected relationships. Not because they are healthy and whole, but rather because they hide from that journey, and they find their relationship serves that purpose. Usually for this to work though, it has to be a mutual thing..takes two to tango, and it takes two to mango.

Why? If one is unhappy and finds a relationship to be empty and distant, does that necessarily mean that this individual is unhappy, empty and distant? I do not think so, perhaps, but not always. Could it be that it may also mean that this person is embarked on a journey of growth, healing and discovery and that part of this journey is greatly harmed or hindered because of remaining as is? Perhaps...I cannot answer that and I'm looking for the answer myself. All I know is that we are all on a journey to somewhere. Even if you are hiding and not actively steering the wheel, you are on a journey to somewhere, you are just forfeiting your ability to participate in the adventure. But we are all moving somewhere, and the scariest of all the journeys are those that have closed their eyes and forfeited their choice in directing it somewhere on purpose.

May that not be me, ever. At least may that not ever be my default, but rather, may I journey on purpose.