We all have it. We all have those “crazy” people in our lives. And, I am not going to lie, I was the queen of getting all up in people’s faces if I felt like they were acting irrational or belligerent. However, I have learned a lot over the last several years, the last year or so especially. You don’t realize, but when you engage with the crazy’s, you are just as crazy. There are times in my life where I literally sit down and try to figure out how I ended up where I am. Not necessarily in a bad way, just in awe of the twists and turns it took for me to be exactly where I am right now. How there is no way in this world that I could have ever foreseen what my life looks like right now. Again, not in a bad way. Honestly, I am happier now in a lot of ways than I have ever been. I struggle sometimes with the lessons the Universe is teaching me, but I respect that there are always lessons to be learned.

Lately, there are some situations in my life that I have little if not absolutely no control over. The only power I hold is in how I respond to the person or situation. I am convinced at this point that how I respond is something God is really working with me on. The amount of control and restraint that one person has to have when dealing with irrational people is overwhelming at times. What is even worse is when that irrational thinking/behavior starts to spread among those around you. It is terrifying at times. I, literally, have to stop, breathe and remind myself on a minute by minute basis that the only thing I have control over is how I react to the situation. As a friend advised me one day “Remember, do not pick up the other end of the rope. They cannot play tug of war with you if you do not pick up the other end of the rope.”

I try to think of these irrational people like little Tasmanian Devils. They are whirling so far out of control, they will eventually spin themselves out of that energy (or at least I can hope). I do not want to get caught up in their insanity. My focus has to be on staying calm and allowing the Divine to take the path it feels is best for all involved. I try not to take it personally, many times  the irrational behavior has to do with their own unhappiness bleeding into my world, or maybe I should say spraying. When I really sit down and look at my life, I am happy. I have been blessed with three amazing boys and a whole lot of people around me that love and support me. I feel them building a protective shield around my heart and helping me keep the insanity out of my life.

Take a minute and observe your life, do you find that irrational or insane people tend to suck you up into their vortex? Do you find yourself getting caught up in the drama they are choosing to drag you into? How would it feel to just do as our parents used to tell us in the past and “walk away”. Let them spin themselves to oblivion while you stay calm and centered in your integrity. I am not going to say it is easy, but it is worth it.

I tried everything to ignore it. I just kept stuffing any emotions that would come up around the broken record playing in my head over and over again. “Just one more…” I couldn’t do it again. I just couldn’t. Although I loved being pregnant I did not do well with the deliveries, especially considering it was necessary for me to have c-sections. Then there was the postpartum phase. I REALLY struggled with that. Hormones were raging, sleep was fleeting, babies were crying… “Just one more…” It got to the point where I, literally, could not think of anything else. I finally made the decision. It was time to bring it up with my husband (at the time).

I assumed he would tell me I was crazy as we had chosen a “permanent” solution to birth control after our second son was born. Well, he didn’t tell me I was crazy. He was all in, another surgery for him and all. My heart pounded. My pulse raced. Were we really going to do this?! Next was talking to my mom. I’ll never forget sitting in the backyard one Sunday afternoon and letting her know that we were considering having another baby. I thought for SURE she was going to tell me I was crazy! She didn’t tell me I was crazy. She felt in her heart that I was meant to have one more baby. Oh no! This was really happening! I started crying on the phone with my mom, telling her that “I didn’t want another baby!”. My soul knew what was meant to happen but my ego was scared.

The reason I share this very personal story with you today is because all to often in this world we hear the whispers in the dark and we don’t listen. We know deep in our heart what our next step is. But, we are scared. Scared of how difficult the path may be. Scared of the loss of what we once knew. Scared of the pain that may come from letting go of the past and moving forward. Scared that God may have a better plan for us than we do for ourselves.

I share this story because this is the story of how I decided to have my third son, Shawn. Anyone who knows Shawn (aka Pepper), knows exactly how much love and light that little boy brings to this world. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about that April in 2005. I have thought about not listening to those whispers in the dark. There were several times along the path where I got scared and tried to turn back. But my loved ones sat me down and assured me it was the right thing to do. There were times where I sat on my stairs in my house crying because of how hard it was to have a newborn and two toddlers in the house, but I still knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do. There were times I thought God would reward me with an “easy” baby because I was doing His work, but then I had to remind myself that each and every child that a mother raises is His work.

The path has not been easy, not by a long shot. However, it has been worth it. I’ll never forget the very first sounds of his cries in the delivery room set my tears into motion. I looked up and said, “We made the right decision.” Every time that beautiful sweet baby boy looks at me with those big blue eyes and tells me he loves me, my heart melts. Every time a “Shawnism” comes out of his mouth, I just shake my head and think about how much joy, love and entertainment that little miracle brings to my life.

I want to encourage you to listen to the whispers in the dark. Although the road may be rough and the journey may not be easy, I can promise you, it will be worth it. Following your heart will never steer you wrong. Never. I could have just ignored God’s whispers. I would still have two wonderful boys to fill my life with joy. But, because I listened to those whispers, I am blessed with three. Who knows the love and joy Shawn will bring to others throughout his life. He clearly has a purpose here, just as every child that is here on this earth.

What are your whispers telling you? To have “Just one more baby”, like me? To quit your job and start a business? To go out and start speaking for a living? To get up the nerve to tell your secret crush how you feel about them? Whatever it is, don’t just ignore it. Pay attention and watch for the signs to the next step. Don’t be scared, just listen and take one step at a time…

This morning while I was enjoying my morning yoga practice I had a major realization. That realization was this:

Each and every one of our soul’s has a journey. It is here to grow and learn. We have been blessed with our human experience to help this process. Spiritual transformation happens whether you want it to or not, in this lifetime or the next. We can learn our lessons the easy way, or the hard way. We really do get to chose.

I will admit, I have not always chosen the easy way to learn my lessons. My mother has always described me as a willful child. That can come across as a blessing and a curse at times. I look back on my life and I can see moments in time that the Universe was almost begging me to learn a particular lesson, but alas, I was going to prove everyone wrong, even the Universe. Well, we all know how that one ended up, right?

I thought I might share some insight and lessons I have learned that have made this human experience a little bit easier to handle when times get rough.

1. Take responsibility for your own actions - So often, I see people deflecting any kind of responsibility. I think one of the most noble things a person can do, no matter the situation (even if it appears as if the person on the other side is completely at fault) is to take a good hard look and see if there is any point at which they could have done better…and then following up with owning it. I will admit that for quite some time after it was apparent that my marriage was ending, I was not happy about it and tried diligently to point the finger at my ex-husband. However, this experience forced me to take a look at my actions over the fifteen years we were together. I soon realized that I certainly was not an unwilling victim. We both contributed to the demise of the marriage. That experience really opened up my eyes to how I treated people in my life. In the last year, I have very consciously paid attention to how I now treat the people closest to me. Once you take the time to examine exactly what has happened, you can see clearly that the Universe may be trying to help you look in the mirror so you can learn and grow.
2. Release the victim – For some reason our society really enjoys playing the victim. One of the things I have learned lately is that when we stand firmly in that victim role, we are giving our power away. Think about it for a minute, if we sit there and act like life is just having it’s way with us, where is the power in that? We tend to get stuck in our story and we just keep playing it over and over again. Trust me, I still struggle with this one sometimes. There are certainly times in our lives that we truly have no control over what happens to us. However, how we handle those circumstances is where our soul has room to shine. I have friends that have experienced things you would not wish on your worst enemy. Yet, they have handled it with such grace and dignity, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Next time life “happens” to you, take note of how you handle it. Recognize if you are in the victim role or the role of the victor.
3. Recognize it would not have been different, “if only”… – I had someone say to me recently regarding a particular situation in my life, “if only…”. I stopped them and told them that that statement was just not true. I recognize that for things to have changed, I needed to be, figuratively speaking, hit by a freight train. Now, I am not saying I enjoyed the experience, because I did not! I will also say that going forward I am going to be much more conscious and aware and try to make changes prior to that freight train barreling down the tracks at me. However, I do feel it is important to recognize that in life, while we are going through our toughest moments, it is very likely that it took something that big for us to really take notice and make the changes necessary in our life. Or that maybe we needed to go through that experience in order for us to be prepared for helping someone else through a similar experience later in life.

I feel it is important for us to see the beauty in every situation. With the awakening I have experienced lately, I feel like I can look back on my life and see how each and every experience I have in some way helps my soul grow and learn. We have a dance that we do and it is important for us to participate in it willingly. That way, it will go much smoother. Our attitude can change everything. We really do chose how easy or how hard this life is. See the beauty in EVERY experience.

I have very consciously made the decision that I will do that no more! Gone are the days of me apologizing for things that are out of my control. Gone are the days of me apologizing for things that are very much in my control, but, honestly, I should not be apologizing for. Things like…

Well, things like, the fact that my number one core value happens to be freedom and independence. Believe it or not, I just recently figured that out. I have always assumed that my number one core value was family. News flash!! It’s not. Do you want to know why I just assumed it was family? Because isn’t that what a good mom’s number one core value should be? At least, that is what society has told me. Well, this woman has just had the major realization that I am an individual with a brilliant mind of my own and I can make my own choices and I do not have to conform to what society feels I should think. Phew! Did that ever feel good…

I want to make something abundantly clear before I get a bunch of hate mail from people who feel like I should care about their opinion. My boys are everything to me. I live and breathe for them. Every single decision I have made since September 13, 2001, the day I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, has revolved around those sweet and precious gifts. Anyone who knows me personally can see that in every thing I do. So, family is very high on my core value list, it just happens to not be number one. And, that is okay… And, I am not apologizing for it. Why not? Because that is who I am and I am not willing to stifle who I am to satisfy society.

I would like to share with you some thoughts on this…if you are still reading. One thing I have learned over the last decade or so since I first became a mother, is that you have to take care of yourself first. If, as a mother, you do not take care of yourself first, you are not giving your best to your family. You truly are not serving them as best you can. I am not saying you should be selfish and spend your last $100 on a massage instead of food for your children. But, I am saying that you should take time for yourself, take care of yourself. Figure out your top ten core values so you can make sure you are living your life to it’s fullest potential…that way you can give your best to your family.

See if you can follow my logic here for a minute. Up until recently I did not realize that my number one core value was freedom and independence. So I went through college and got my degree in business. Went and got a job at one of the “Big 4″ accounting firms…and was completely miserable. I was a zombie. My body was literally shutting down on itself because I felt like I was dying inside. Things got a little better when I started my CPA practice because at least I set the tone for how I would run my business, but I was still in an industry that is highly regulated. So, again, very tough on me. I was so drained all the time, my poor boys certainly did not get the best of me. For years I was miserable from the inside out because I was doing what society thought I should do and not what my heart was trying to tell me I should do.

Now, I am in a position and I own a business where my heart is the leading factor. I work with people and get to use my skills and intuition to help them through whatever situation they bring to me, whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual. I am living my life as my heart has lead me to live it. I have figured out what my top 10 core values are and now those are used to help make every decision so I can move forward…on purpose. Every day I wake up, I want to make sure that my cup is as full as it can be. That way I can serve my children, my loved ones and my clients the best I can, straight from my heart.

I am going to encourage you to sit down and figure out what your core values are…not what society says they should be. I typed mine up and put them on the wall in my bedroom next to my vision board as a reminder of exactly who I am every single day. That way I can serve from a place of authenticity, every single day. I am not apologizing for who I am anymore. I am who I am, your approval is not needed. I hope that this post inspires you to feel the same.

I’m not dead.

Yup, you read it right…

I’m not dead.

And yes, it was a decision, a very well thought out and deliberate decision I have made. Some of you may be curious about my mental stability at this point, but rest assured, I have not lost my mind. A few things have happened over the last few days that have made me think about this quite a bit and steered me into making this choice.

First of all, I had that monumental anniversary on Monday. I don’t want to go back and beat a dead horse, but now that the anniversary has passed, I have made the decision that I want to make that date mean something new to me. I want it to be a kind of resurrection day anniversary for me. Starting this year and going forward, every April 1st will mean a rebirth and new life for me. April 1st will signify moving forward in my life. And, to do that, I have to stop looking back. I love spring time. I always have, especially when I owned my CPA practice. Mid-April meant freedom for me. Now spring time means so much more. It truly is a time for new life to sprout and new things to grow into something special. April is a time where the weather is changing from the bitter cold, dark and rainy days of winter (although not this year in California) to the bright sunshine and warmth of the spring. Spring is a time when my boys are starting to get antsy about the upcoming summer and excited about all the possibilities it holds for fun and new friends. Any way you look at it, spring is joyous. So, why would I not want to be “not dead”?

The other day someone close to me suggested in a very loving and supportive way that it might be time for me to start moving forward in my life. Until someone pointed it out to me, I really didn’t realize how much I did look back and focus on the lessons I had learned over the last couple of years. While I do think it is very important for everyone to take the time to learn the lessons they need to learn in their life from their experiences, we all run the risk of getting caught up in the story and the lessons. It is a little bit like a vortex, sometimes it doesn’t want to let go of us. And, sometimes, we may be reluctant to let go of it. This comment made to me reminded me of another friend a couple of months ago bringing up the fact that some people get stuck in the “rebirth” process. Wow, could that really be me? Definitely not my intention, but I can see how it was starting to take that form. So I am eternally thankful and grateful for this person giving me the nudge I needed to recognize the fact that I may be getting caught up in my lessons…but now it is time to move forward. Please forgive me for not quoting this exactly, but Kevin Hall was speaking at an event I was at once and he mentioned that the past is supposed to be a guidepost, not a hitching post. Duly noted, time to stop looking in the rear view mirror and start focusing on the road ahead.

Lastly, I was assigned the role of Invocation and Pledge today at my Toastmasters club. For the invocation I found the following quote:

“May you live every day of your life.” – Jonathan Swift

At first when I found it, I giggled just a little bit. The initial thought is, “Well I hope so!”. But, when you really stop to think about it, how many of us really live every day of our life. I know I am 37 years old and I can honestly tell you that unfortunately I have not lived a whole lot of those 37 years. However, I plan on changing that right now. I keep finding that pains from my past keep creeping into my current life and trying to snuff out the joy and beauty that lies within that moment. I have found that many people, including myself, tend to get up every morning and live life as if we are a zombie, going through the motions, but not really living. That is when I realized how very poignant this quote is. Read it again. Now, think about it, are you really living every day of your life?

Today and every day going forward, remind yourself every morning that you are not dead…so it is time to start living!

While last year I was reeling from the reality that was my life, this year I look back on that day with joy. Why? Because I am so proud of myself for not only the strength I found on that day one year ago, but for the strength I found each and every day after that. This day for me is all about being reborn. To me it is very serendipitous that Easter happens to coincide with this anniversary for me this year. I took a great deal of time yesterday looking back over the last year and recognizing exactly how far I had come.

I am not going to lie, there were times that I wondered if I was going to make it. There were days I struggled just to get out of bed, but that is when I would think about those three precious lives that my ex and I created together and realized that they were my life support and I theirs. They were going through a lot too and I had to set the example of feeling the pain, yet moving forward despite it.

When I say that I did not fall down to my knees and ask God, “Why me?” I want to make it clear that I did several times throughout the last year, but just not on that fateful day one year ago. I also want to make it clear that when I did, each time, I would for a period of time and then I would raise my head up and made the choice to pick myself back up again. We have to allow ourselves the chance to fall down and feel the pain, what makes the difference is making the choice to get back up and try again….like the phoenix rising from the ashes.

One year later, I look back and realize that everything happens for a reason. I am a new woman as I sit here today and write this blog post. I know now that the life I had was not what I thought it was. I know now that I am free to live my life as I see fit. I know now that I have found a passion and purpose inside of me that I do not think I would have found if the events of the last year had not happened. I am thankful for every minute of the nearly fifteen years that my ex and I were together because each minute held a lesson for me that I have had the blessing of learning. I am also thankful for each minute of the last year. While the pain was sometimes unbearable, the lessons were priceless. They have transformed me on a soul level. You can’t get that just anywhere. My soul was literally torn in two. It has not only healed, but it has grown bigger and stronger than ever before. I look now at the opportunities that lie in front of me and acknowledge the fact that they would not be here had the events of the last year not happened.

When life happens, we have a choice to make. Do we want to allow the flames to destroy us? Or, do we want to rise up bigger, better and stronger than before? Like the phoenix rising up from the ashes…

So, here I am, starting another business. I have some vague thought of the fact that I want to help people, be here for my boys and…I don’t know, I am sure there is more. But, once again, there is a serious lack of focus. And with that, my business is meandering around again. Until today…

A dear friend of mine is running a mastermind that I am currently in that is studying the book “The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth” by John C. Maxwell. Today in the meeting one of the other members brought up the question of his “why” when it comes to running his business, as John Maxwell is a firm believer in the fact that you should start with your why and go from there. My friend pointed out to him that his son was his why. When she said that, it was as if a lightning bolt came down from the heavens and struck me.

I spoke to her after the meeting and told her that I needed her to help me. It is time for me to get serious about my business because I just figured out my “why”. I am a single mom now, and while I do not want that to define me, it is a fact. With that said, it is now solely my responsibility to support my boys while they are here with me. While I do receive support from my ex-husband, I feel it is time for me, personally, to step up to the plate and make every effort I can (without compromising my integrity) to support my children when they are with me…fully. Do you want to know why?

Because that is the example I want to set for my children.

Although my ex-husband was always a great provider, that contract is now over. And, while I am eternally grateful for the family court laws that protect spouses and children and provide support so they can get on their feet, the woman that I am recognizes that I want to show my children that I can do this. Not only can I do this, but I can live authentically and make money following my passion. Why?

Because that is the example I want to set for my children.

For 20 years, I spent my life doing what I thought I was supposed to do. What I was good at and not necessarily what was feeding my soul. I made okay money, but I sure could have made a lot more. More importantly, my health was suffering terribly. I was miserable, professionally speaking. I want my boys to not only find what their passion is, but I want them to pursue it. Through finding my passion, my purpose has started to reveal itself. I am now a woman that is starting to live on purpose and once you find your purpose, I believe you are unstoppable. When you are unstoppable, anything is possible. Does anyone wonder why I might want to live my life like that?

Because that is the example I want to set for my children.

On September 13, 2001, my life changed forever. That is the day I found out I was pregnant with my eldest son. My priorities shifted. When I look back at the last 12 years, it has slowly been catching up to me. I am here now to tell the world that I get it. Do I want to provide for them? Yes. Do I want to show them that mommy is strong? Yes. But, most importantly I want to set an example that they can follow. While I recognize that there are a whole lot more pieces to the puzzle, This is the umbrella to which all else must fall under. Those boys have people that will come in and out of their life setting examples for them. But…I am their mother. The only one they will ever have. I carried each of them in my womb for nine months. I have loved each and every one of them from not only physical conception, but even just the original thought of conception. They are my blood. They are my heart, my soul and my life. They are everything to me.

I recognize that I will not always be here. I will not always be able to lead them in the way I want to. So, it starts now. Right here. Right now. I am walking the walk and talking the talk. I have finally answered my “why”.

I read this quote on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and it literally left me breathless. Literally. I have never seen a better description of a soul mate. I love it so much because Elizabeth was willing to say it as it really is. She was not conforming to societies “perfect” picture of what a soul mate is. She is real. She is stating it like it is. She is saying that love is not always pretty, but, if done right, will change your life for the better. I plan on going a few steps further in this post and taking soul mate to a whole different level.

I will admit, I have learned an enormous amount about soul mate’s over the last couple of years, but especially in the last few months. The first point I would like to make about soul mates is that I do not think that soul mates have to be “significant others”. I realized the other night as I was driving over to a girlfriend’s house that the Universe has placed some of the most amazing women in my life over the last several months. When I got married (many moons ago), I had a Maid of Honor and two bridesmen. Yes, you read it correctly…bridesmen. At that point in my life, I did not have a whole lot of close girlfriends. I always used to say that I got along so much better with men than women. Over the years, I have been increasing my abundance when it comes to girlfriends. However, since my separation from my ex-husband, the women that have come into (or back into, as the case may be) my life are unbelievable. These are women that get me. They do exactly what Elizabeth Gilbert describes above. They love me and support me, but they also hold up the mirror for me. They call me on my stuff when it needs to be called on. They are helping my soul grow and change. I call these women “Soul Sisters”. I have an abundance of them these days and I feel so blessed that they are in my life and walking my path with me.

I also want to point out that family members can also be soul mates. For example, my children also do for me what Elizabeth Gilbert describes above. For me, it is mainly my oldest son, Derek. Although he makes me want to pull my hair out sometimes, that boy gets me. He can walk in the room, look at me and tell if I need a hug. The other night I was sitting out on the couch after the boys had gone to bed. The television was off and I was just sitting there…thinking. Derek came out to say goodnight because he saw the light was still on. I will admit, I was having a rough evening and I was very pensive. He came over to me on the couch, sat down and snuggled with me. I don’t know about you, but my 10 year old is not really into snuggling that often anymore. He has also told me in the past that he thinks he is one of my guardian angels…I believe that is true as well. My mother is another example. She knows exactly when to hold up the mirror and when to put it down to give me some love.

Now, I would also like to make it very clear that although I do very firmly believe all that I have stated above, I feel like there is something very special about the “classic” soul mate. That is what left me so breathless that night a couple of weeks ago when I first saw this quote. As I am now a single woman, I have taken the time to think about what I would like to attract into my life. There is much more on the line now than there was when I met my ex-husband. I don’t want a “yes” man. I don’t want someone that is going to just agree with me all the time and give me whatever I want. I want someone that is going to push me to be the best person that I can be. I want someone that is going to love and support me for who I am but also encourage me to reach for the stars. I want someone that will call me on my stuff. I have been very transparent in my posts about all the things I am discovering about myself. I need someone in my life who will not let me get away with my patterns from the past. That is true love. Don’t run away, stand by my side and walk with me. When I try to run…grab my hand, let me know you are there to walk it with me. Hold up that mirror. When I flinch, gently encourage me to keep looking in the mirror. When I am hurting, hold me. When I am standing tall, stand beside me. …And I will do the same.

Someone notified me on Facebook that a soul mate should never want to change you. Although I do agree with the gentleman that sent me that message, I don’t believe that is what Ms. Gilbert is saying. It is wanting to support you to be the best you can be and loving and supporting you through the changes that are inevitable over time.

So take a minute and look at your relationships. Are you blessed to have soul mates in your life? If so, be grateful of the ones you do have. Cherish those relationships. Make sure you are being a true soul mate to them.

When I look long and hard in that mirror that I have chosen to hold up and not flinch away from, I can see it. I can see it so clearly. I hold very high expectations for myself. This has served me well over time…and not so well at other times. The hardest part is for me to look back on my life and realize again that path of destruction that I have left in my wake with all the expectations I have put on others, and then the ensuing judgment I have of them if they don’t meet the expectations I have placed on them.

This is a thread that runs through my life, in just about every aspect. I see it with my immediate family, friends and past significant others. When I put expectations on the people I care about, I think that my way is the best way. And, honestly, who the heck am I to think that my way is the best way! I understand that I hold high expectations for myself, but not everyone is on the same journey I am. And, if they are, they may not be in the same place. I am the one that has decided to climb this mountain, not them. Who am I to say they should exercise five days a week like me? Who am I to tell them how much alcohol they should be drinking? Who am I to tell them how to spend their money? Whom am I to tell them how they should eat?

All I can do is live my life to the best that I can live. Now, if they come to me for guidance because they would like to live more like me, then so be it. I will be more than happy to help them. But if they don’t then I need to let them live their life without my expectations and judgment. Now, I may chose not to keep them in my life if I do disagree with how they are living. There is no judgment there, just a personal decision based on how I chose to live my life. But, I should not expect them to change for me. Why would they? I have never chosen to make changes for anyone but me. And, that is how it should be.

If you decide to make a change and quit smoking. Do it for you and the benefits to your health, don’t do it for anyone else. As I mentioned above, I live my life the best way I can. I hope that is inspiring to people. But, for me to expect others to live to my standards is just crazy really. But, in hindsight, I can see where I have done that quite a bit throughout my life. I want to be an inspiration, not hindrance in someones life.

So, remember as you go through your day. Who are you to put expectations on others? It is a great way to increase disappointment in your life. Who are you to judge others for the choices they make? Live your life the best way you can and let others be. Live and let live…

With that said, I wanted to share with you a realization I had just this weekend. For several years now I have been trying to figure out why my youngest son, who is now six years old, seems to still have tantrums as if he is two. My older two boys outgrew that very quickly, yet my youngest seems to be holding on tight to this pattern. Insert major realization…

This past Saturday evening I was sitting on the couch having a conversation with my mom about the day. She had watched my three boys while I had gone down to South San Francisco for the National Speakers Association’s Speakers Academy. It started at 9:00 a.m. and finished at 5:00 p.m. that day. My mom was explaining about an enormous tantrum Shawn had had during the day. I then shared with her about my day and how we had to sit in traffic for hours. It took us an hour and fifteen minutes to get from South San Francisco to the Bay Bridge alone. What took us two hours in the morning took us three and a half in the evening. I was exhausted to say the least. While I was stuck in the traffic (I was driving), I kept getting really frustrated and anxious. Because I had two other professional women in the car with me, I kept my cool (to some degree). But I was fighting it. I was fighting one of my demons that lurk in those shadows I mentioned above.

I realized that night that the reason Shawn still throws tantrums at six years old is because he has watched his mother, who is now 37 years old, doing it for years. In a previous post, called Painful Realizations, I shared with you that I had some old habits that I was trying to work through. One of them was the fact that I have had a habit of manipulating people to get my way. Well, my tantrums have been one of the tools in my tool belt. I look back at my marriage and I realized that my tantrums were one of the ways I would get my way with my husband. He never liked to see me unhappy, so all I had to do was throw a little snit and voila! I saw it start to creep out in a recent relationship as well. It went over like a lead balloon there. Which is good really. Because I can see how destructive it has been. Rather than sitting down and just discussing what is bothering me, I would give them the silent treatment or completely lose it and scream like a crazy woman.

I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. It is not only sabotaging my life, but it is potentially sabotaging the lives of those closest to me. I have also realized that I cannot just break the chains from the past, but I have to release them as well. This is a pattern that I have had my entire life. This is not something that wants to let go of me easily. If I just break the chains, I will still have pieces of them tethered around my wrists and ankles. Once I break the chains, I have to lovingly release the cycle. I recognize that it was coming from my subconscious mind and it felt like it was protecting me in some way. However, it is no longer serving me anymore.

It is time to move past my past, if not for me then for my boys. It is so clearly affecting them on many levels. The good news is that the first step towards freedom is awareness. I am committed to working diligently to shine the light on those demons lurking in the shadows. Once the light is shined on them, it is time to escort them out of my temple. The healer is healing. Freedom is a beautiful thing.