Getting followed by someone might have been creepy a decade ago, but it’s the biggest trend this year. Every day the number of twitter users keeps rising, and more people are embracing the magnificent social world of twitter. It starts off with confusion, but once you find the joy in @replying people, and using hashtags there is no going back.

Experts say 23% of world population now uses hashtags while texting, and facebooking.  Actually, I made that up but you get the idea. Twitter is awesome. However, (AND this is a big however) just like every other place in this world, twitter has its dark side. A site which should be about earning followers based on the quality of your content is turning into a exchange.” Follow me and I will follow you back”. You know what, I am cool with it. This type of follower exchange requires commitment, and is mostly very transparent.

But one thing that pisses me off is the MEGA SALE twitter accounts. Don’t know what I am talking about? Have a look at these screencaps below

Almost all these “famous relate-able” accounts which post stuff that will blow your mind away have one thing in common – TWEETS.  Follow 4-5 of these accounts, and you will same stuff hit your timeline over, and over again.

In this screen cap, the person promises 2000 followers. Well guess what? You won’t even get one. And you shouldn’t. You don’t deserve to. Don’t rely on deceit to accumulate followers. Every day follower greedy people fall for these “Follow this person, and gain 4000 followers instantly” tweets, only to be betrayed in the end. Guys, instead of waiting for these losers to gain you some robotic followers. Invest some of your brain cells into creating original tweets. And do this over a period of time, you’ll see the results.
 
So let’s separate ourselves from this greed for followers, and just tweet awesomeness. That’s what twitter is suppose to be all about.

Every desi girl has to, at some point in her life, go through a phase where she gets forcefully showcased in front of random people. Desi parents call it “rishta”. We call it “What the hell did I do wrong to deserve this?” We have to look the best, act the best, and often pretend to be a completely different person. Lonely, and sad scientists have been studying the rishtas and they have come up a flow chart which accurately depicts the fate, and intent of 99.97% of rishta talks.

(Actually I made the flow chart but let’s pretend its from some scientist because scientists are cool)

 

 

Twitter is where I let my imagination run wild.  A bit of boredom combined with the right kind of drink can produce twitter gold.

This gold happened for me in the form the “#thishouldbeasong” hashtag. I posted numerous 140 character long tweets in Punjabi with this hashtag and they all got great response. I also received a few DMs with people suggesting that I should write a “full song/poem”. Well, guess what? I am bored right now. So let’s give this a shot. Please provide me feedback – positive or negative.

Before we start things off I must warn you –  this is not going to be your average punjabi poem/song.  One thing which is common in all of my #thisshouldbeasong tweets is that they are intended to spread the disease of laughter. That trend will continue.

 (I am using Kamal Heer’s facebook song as the base because.. umm..its a very cheesy song and nobody takes it seriously. So less haters perhaps??

And just like every other Punjabi song. It revolves around a boy trying to stalk a girl. But the end result of the stalking is a bit unique.)

Raati Ohdi photo dekhi facebook te mein,

Photo dekh ke mein ta darr geya siga ji,

Aye lagge jive computer screen ch bhoot vadh geya siga ji.

Lage oho ek number di professional chudeil,

Gutt ohdi enni sohni jive bandar di tail,

Shakal dekh ke lagge eh nu honi koi bimari,

Mein dar ke uchi jihi ek Mummy nu vaaj maari.

Mummy nu request kiti meri akh ch acid paado,

Koi meri life ch UNDO button lavado.

2 minute baad ohi ho geya jidda c fear,

Message aaya. Kehndi I want “friendship my dear”,

Puri world ch ehnu milya ni koi hor,

bohat himmat kar k kiti friend request ignore.

Ignore karan toh baad vi darr jeha laggi jaave,

supneya de vich v ohdi photo aayi jaave.

Life naal menu meri ho geya pura hate

Chaleya c romance karan, karni paigi facebook DEACTIVATE

Fuck is an extremely versatile word. But I personally prefer using it to vent out my frustration. So here are some common situations I encounter daily which leave me thinking “WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

Texting with k :-  Texting is an immensely powerful tool. If used properly it can save you from awkward face-to-face conversations. But it also has the potential to ruin relationships. It can cheer you up on a boring day, suck all your energy out and put you in suicidal mode. But there’s one thing about texting which never fails to ruin my day – “K”. Yes. That one letter K has the proficiency to annihilate a conversation. Generally, I just end the conversation right there. If you can’t bother to type up a proper reply, then you’re not worthy of my time. I’d rather pretend to text someone who doesn’t even exist than continue texting the “kriminal”. Whoever started this “K” should be sentenced to death for spreading dangerous amount of boredom across the world. The fuck is wrong with you?

Battery low :- Phones lose battery like Indian cricket team loses matches. And when they reach that critical phase where they can sense that the end is near. Instead of saving what’s left. They  bombard you with “Low Battery” warnings. Listen phone – we get it. Ok. You don’t have to keep on repeating yourself.  May be if you didn’t vibrate every minute you’d last a little longer. The fuck is wrong with you? I thought you were a “smart” phone. Preserve your god damn battery until I find the charger you suicidal piece of  ****.

Call and dont pick up :- When people call you. You miss the call by a milli-second. You instantly call back, and they don’t answer. The fuck is wrong with you?Did a gigantic monkey come down and steal your phone? Did you flush your phone down the toilet because I didn’t answer? You using your phone as a vibrator? Did your phone explode in your hand? Did someone cut off your hands?

Grades: I often hear desis brag about their intelligence in front of their white counterparts. But the secret is that us desis don’t really have a choice. When you know that anything less than a 95 means your ass will spend some one on one time with your dad’s boot, you automatically study like a maniac, We have to study to survive. “B” is completely unacceptable, and could lead to confiscation of all your beloved possessions. So whenever you see a desi cramming in the library please shut the fuck up. The poor kid is just trying to live another day without getting his intestines eaten by his demanding family. If Einstein was desi, he would have got his ass beat for not being smart enough.

Aunties: Desi aunties spread their venom with unbelievable efficiency. They will jump onto any marginal mistake you make, and do everything in their power to make your life miserable. Have a bf? Weigh slightly more/less than they think you should? Low grades? Average cooking skills? Doesn’t matter what it is. They will exploit your flaw so much that your mom start regretting her decision to not swallow you.

The talented cousin: Grass is always greener on the other side. You learn this at a very young age in desi families as your parents start to comparing you to your cousins.  All your qualities and achievements will always get overshadowed by an evil cousin. This cousin doesn’t have to be more talented than you. Oh No. Parents will find or even make up something which gives them an edge over you. Growing up, I had a cousin who ran her mouth all day. I, on the other hand, used a limited quantity of words and preserved my energy for things more important like umm education.

Here’s how we matched up :-

Better grades? Check.

More athletic than her? CHECK.

More popular in school? CHECK.

Talk as much as her? ERROR.

And only I know how much bitching I had to deal with on a daily basis for my “unsocial” behaviour.

Round Roti issue: Desis love their food. You can tell by looking at the sheer quantity of over weight aunties and uncles. They jump onto food like they haven’t eaten in decades. Therefore, cooking plays a critical role in winning over your in-laws after marriage. If you can’t cook, they will bug you, and your family for not raising their daughter right. Our parents know this, and do their best to avoid this circumstance. As a consequence, girls spend a lot of their precious time in the kitchen (which could have otherwise spent of important things like twitter/ fb). Making rotis is easy, but making perfectly round rotis that don’t like a map of Canada could prove to be  a daunting task. Keep trying, and training, until you master this. I am 21, and still sometimes produce results that could potentially bring shame to my family down the road. But I couldn’t care less.

Dating: Dating is a big no-no in most brown families. And by most  I mean 99.9% of them. Brown parents don’t like their kids mingling with the opposite sex. Maintaining your sexual tool in brand new condition, and staying focused on your academic goals is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in your life. Now up until this point, the blog post has been very general. I have talked about stuff that most brown girls can relate to. However, the consequence of getting caught with a boy depends on the freak in your parent’s head, and your history with boys. It could range anywhere from “them not giving a fuck” to “your dead body in the news next morning” 

I am Kudi Punjaban and these are a few of the many problems desi girls have to deal with.

Today, we have amongst ourselves another “Kudi Punjaban”. Her name is Niamat Sekhon. Her original and hilarious tweets caught my eye and thankfully she has agreed to share her work of brilliance with us. I welcome her to the KP family.

Like any other Kudi Punjaban her life consists of large doses of bhangra, upbeat music, carefree attitude and trips to India. Hectic and problematic trips to India.

Here’s a list of main problems that Kudi Punjabans face when we visit our pind in India.

1. Everyone asking for an iPhone.
2. Packing insane amount of shit for yourself and the family.
3. Finding the best rate to convert dollars to rupees.
4. Getting your suits made on time.
5. Having to drink “Bisleri” water only.
6. When you Need to go somewhere in India, squeezing the whole parivaar in a “maruti”.
7. Cousins stealing your newly purchased clothes, and trying to find them when you get back home.
8. Waking up early in the morning in India to go somewhere so you don’t get stuck in traffic.
9. Lining up all the manje at night to go to sleep on.
10. Not wanting to come back.
11. Eating fresh picked subji that wasn’t even washed.
12. If you go for a wedding, you are expected to bring some american makeup for the girls to wear.
13. Buying lotions of bath and body works, and buying revlon nailpolishes for the ladies.
14. When your white clothes are washed they end up being returned blue because of the soap they use.
15. Having so much school work but don’t feel like doing it there.
16. Trying to cover your ears at weddings when everyone takes out their baithi bore gun.
17. Going to everyones house in the pind and sitting there talking about when everyone grew up together.
18. When you realize that 100 rupees is like two bucks; after family members give you it.
19. Having a flashlight in your hand while you’re using the bathroom at night.
20. Everyone staring at you in the bazaar cause you have american clothes on.
21. Having to bring toilet paper to india or buying some from there cause ppl there don’t use it.
22. Everyone asking you if the food was “tasty”.
23. Everyone telling you that you look “smart”.
24. Long ass air plane ride with desi people smelling like thurka.
25. Aunties trying to get you married to their son so he can migrate to America.

Please  follow Niamat Sekhon and induce some juice into your timeline.

Now this post isn’t about me yapping about how cool it is to have a white guy speak Punjabi. I am not going to go in a conceited Punjabi pride mode, I promise.

I am Kudi Punjaban

Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful and often annoying dads out there. Now, if you are like me, father’s day is accompanied by a fair share of complications. I always get confused what to give my father for this special day. The fact that we try to kill each 365 days of the year, kind of contributes to this dilemma. So over the years, based on my experiences, I have come up with a list of things not to give your dad on father’s day. Here we go :-

• Condoms
• Naughty America subsciption
• A new mom.
• AK-47 (especially if your father is actively involved in terrorist activities)
• A big screen TV (because the TV will become the only reason for him to live)
• Poptarts
• Bricks
• Miss Pooja CD
• Access to your facebook account
• Access to your twitter account
• Parenthood for dummies book.
• A stolen vehicle.




• Your credit card.
• Your mark sheet.
• Viagara pills.
• An itunes gift card.
• Dance lesson admission
• Your browser history
• Civil rights

Hate is a powerful word, but sometimes it just isn’t powerful enough” – Nobody. Who would say something like this?

Humans are unique photocopies of each other. What I mean to say is although we are all individuals, there are certain things that we all have in common. HATE is one of them.

Do you know someone that you don’t like but you’re not quite sure why? I believe our brain has two databases – one for people we like, and second for the opposite. And some unfortunate souls get saved into the second database without a reason. We just see them and instantly communicate a negative signal.

This unexplainable dislike button which has been programmed into our brains isn’t just restricted to average people. We use it  for politics,  sports, even when we pick a career. It has major implications on how our life shapes up.

So in this post, I am going to post my list of famous people that “I JUST DON’T LIKE FOR WHATEVER REASON”

Serena Williams -> May be it’s because she looks like the Incredible Hulk to tennis.

Justin Bieber -> Canadian boy. Kind of good looking. I think its his fans that I hate, not him.

Angelina Jolie -> Weird eh? I might be the only person in the world who doesn’t want to lick her private parts.

Nicolas Cage -> Something about him really turns me off.

Jay Leno -> He shouldn’t be allowed on television. Or anywhere.

Daler Mehndi -> I change the channel when his songs come on.

Imran Hashmi -> He may get a lot of action in his movies, but his movies don’t get any action in my house.

Zdeno Chara ->Playing for division rivals hasn’t helped his cause. Bruins trade him. Far..far away.

Derek Jeter -> He got money, girls, rings. What’s not to like eh?

B.J. Penn -> Could it be because of the name? Not a fan of BJs.

LeBron James -> Ok. I think I do have reasons to hate him but I just wanted to put his name on the list. NBA Playoffs. He will choke again, just watch. King James – my ass.

From individuals let’s now move on to sports franchises.

Rajasthan Royals -> Can’t stand this franchise for some reason. I hope it gets relocated or something.

Chelsea -> Even if they got my boy Torres, I still am having a difficult time bonding with this franchise. It’s not because I support Liverpool. I am not a hardcore fan, and don’t really care about soccer rivalries.

Pittsburgh Steelers – >This one is a bit weird because I am huge Pittsburgh Penguins fan

LA Galaxy -> I love Beckham. Hate Galaxy.

I am Kudi Punjaban and I HATE YOU

This morning Twitter told me that I should follow the foot prints of Al-Qaeda. According to the social networking site, I would be a perfect fit for their terror regime and would help them significantly improve the process of taking innocent lives.

 

This got me thinking. What if Al-Qaeda were actually recruiting? Would it make sense for me to apply for the job?

Let’s evaluate the pros (+)and cons (-) : -

+ I’d get to play with guns.

+ I’d save money on cosmetics since I’d covered from head to toe.

+ No more books.

+ I’d get to meet new people (dead or alive) and experience a different culture.

+ Possibility of becoming an over night celebrity. My face on front page of every major newspaper.

+ I’d become a trending topic on twitter.

- I may end up getting gang raped before getting blown into tiny pieces by an American missile.

- No 3G for my iPhone.

- No home-cooked meals.

 

Hmm..You know what Twitter, I am going to stick to making head shots in Call of Duty.